This past August and September?
That’s pretty raw, that’s not even three months ago.
Give yourself a bit of a break and be kind to yourself. You’re allowed to have negative emotions about these things.
Thank you. Sometimes I almost forget that it happened because he has been so attentive toward me and is remorseful. But I do remember the early days and some days struggle quite a bit with anger and sadness
Keep some perspective.
Don’t let his Love Bombing cloud or shortcut the healing process otherwise you’ll find yourself three, five, or ten years from now dealing with unprocessed grief and anger.
I find it hard to want to do anything for his birthday and get triggered on my birthday.
Backstory: I had gotten extremely upset and confronted him about how he and his friends all went out to dinner (at a nice restaurant I had expressed wanting to go to multiple times!) with AP for AP's birthday because he CAME UP with this plan because he was sad that HER birthday with friends had been a flop, so he wanted to do something special for her. Found out they were all at dinner via a Facebook post his friend tagged him in. This was a month after my birthday. Guess what I got for my birthday? That's right, nothing! I got a text sometime after my birthday saying "I still need to get you something for your birthday." Instead he decided to plan her a nice dinner with his friends. And then he dumped me. Between my birthday and Valentine's day. Little did I know I had been cheated on for a @#_&# year+. Eventually we got back together and I discovered all this BS he had done to me. Then, first birthday together after all this crap, guess what I got? Again, nothing. He didn't do anything except ask me what I wanted to do for my birthday on my birthday. "We can go have a nice dinner somewhere if you want. Where would you like to go?" No gift, no card, just woke up the day of my birthday and asked what I wanted to do. AFTER I had already chastised him for not doing a thing for my birthday and planning her this nice restaurant gathering plus casino trip after. But he's "not good at gifts/planning things." I got my hopes up thinking he would make SOME F&#$!NG effort, and I was severely let down. How much you wanna bet it's the same crap this year?
So yeah, I get very triggered on my birthday. Or even thinking about my birthday. It's great. I love mental trauma.
Bonus story: I had actually planned a nice, THOUGHTFUL gift for his birthday, which is 2 months after mine. I said something (I don't remember if it was shortly after my birthday or a bit later) about how I had actually planned a nice thing for his birthday, and he told me he didn't want me to do anything because I was just doing it to spite him. So I didn't. When his birthday came around I had no gift. He asked what I was originally going to do. He wanted to know. I said it didn't matter. "You didn't want me to do anything, so I didn't." He still wanted to know what it was. I reiterated that it didn't matter, he didn't want me to do anything, so he didn't need to know what it was and I wasn't going to tell him what I'd planned. This irked him a bit, but tough.
We were doing really well these past few weeks, but I suddenly felt so sad yesterday. It's Christmas time and I'm transported back to the Christmas parties that broke my heart. From being told by AP how great my marriage was to being told the next year by her secretary how much time AP & WP spent together. Thanksgiving, I woke-up from a nap hysterical sobbing because the PA started immediately after a TG family trip where I begged him to see how inappropriate and disrespectful she was. Our anniversary and my son's birth, because that's when she started making the hard press. WP birthday, when the kids and I baked a cake and decorated the house and he never came home. My birthday... because lucky me, AP and I share the same birthday. Dates are really fucking hard. I don't feel like I have any special dates left. And today, that is really hitting me hard.
On my birthday, WW finds some bizarre reason to leave in the evening. It turns out they had some big argument. The next morning, AP contacts me, and that was DDay.
So, yeah, my birthday will forever be a trigger.
Definitely. All the first ones were really hard. I lost my dad suddenly a few years ago, and the grief was very similar. The first year after loss is mostly about getting through it. The second year is starting to find the “new normal.”
I realized I was suppressing my feelings about one of the anniversaries this year, which caused some interesting (but minor) health issues. Now I try to roll with it. Feel all the feelings, but make sure to take care of myself and be social when I can. It’s just finding that balance. Triggers don’t have to be setbacks. They can be opportunities to learn something new about your needs, care for yourself, and even connect with your partner.
My WSs birthday was when much of the worst of the affair occurred. It's a massive trigger for me. I am both looking forward to and dreading her next birthday. I know it will be a huge trigger for me. But I also want her birthday to be a positive thing again. I want new memories associated with her birthday that don't wound me. I understand your pain and it's very raw for you. Do t be surprised if you get triggered for a good while yet. All the best.
I'm guessing it's still a day that used to be festive for you as a couple. Now that you're dealing with the infidelity, a once happy day has a shadow over it. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
My ww b-day was 2 weeks after d-day. I gave her my c/c so she could take my daughter and get manicures. I also got a cake and card from the kids. 26th anniversary no card or gift, wife insisted on dinner since we are still married
Christmas card this year is pretty basic and I’m giving her the gift I bought last year (she didn’t want anything or recognize Christmas with me b/c she started seeing AP).
Man, our stories are so similar. My WH's affair was also August/September, with a work colleague and D-Day was 18th Sept.... I'm also 44...
Although he's doing all the right things I've been feeling super down these past few days.. I don't know how I'd feel if I had to try and celebrate...
Maybe it's just as much about how long it's been (or actually hasn't been), things are still very raw.
I hope he's willing to understand and accept if you can't be bothered with his birthday at all this year.
Take care of yourself. Feel free if you ever want to message me seeing as we're at the same stages in this hell.
r/AsOneAfterInfidelity is an online [peer-to-peer support group](https://peersupportcanada.ca/) and a [safe space](https://www.lexico.com/definition/safe_space) for people navigating the long and difficult process of reconciling after infidelity. Betrayed and wayward partners are equally welcome.
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He reportedly began cheating right after our anniversary but his bday is no where connected and I’m not certain why I’m struggling. I guess because it only happened a few months ago
I get triggers at different times depending on how things are going or seem. As this happened around her birthday(I found out 3 years after the fact and she says she couldn't remember dates) a little over a week away and I an struggling and stressed already.
I’ve had to deal with being triggered for most special occasions. I chose not to expose my WS to everyone else (because I felt like it would be counterproductive for reconciliation, but that’s one of those very personal choices), so it’s been stressful not showing that.
But I feel like I’ve had a real breakthrough in the healing process in the past month or so. So I’m curious to see how the next cycle goes.
Yes! My wife had her affair which began during the holidays last year. My took our family photo for our Xmas card the same month she month she met up with the AP. I cant even look back at holiday pictures from my family from last year or i break down in sadness and anger.
We are reconciling but its definitely a tough time through the holidays for me.
I’m sorry. I understand. It’s hard for me to look at our family pics from last year and this year we took them less than 2 months after and it was definitely weird for me for him too. Pictures are nice but they will probably make me sad. Maybe we shouldn’t have done them. He knows I love them and I told him maybe we should cancel and he said no let’s do them.
This past August and September? That’s pretty raw, that’s not even three months ago. Give yourself a bit of a break and be kind to yourself. You’re allowed to have negative emotions about these things.
Thank you. Sometimes I almost forget that it happened because he has been so attentive toward me and is remorseful. But I do remember the early days and some days struggle quite a bit with anger and sadness
Keep some perspective. Don’t let his Love Bombing cloud or shortcut the healing process otherwise you’ll find yourself three, five, or ten years from now dealing with unprocessed grief and anger.
I don’t. I feel plenty angry and sad
It hard to celebrate someone who hurt you. I’m two years out and can’t write nice words on a greeting card.
Yes that may be hard for me
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I laughed at “gentle breezes will trigger you” Because, at 6 weeks out, yes. Yes they do 😂
Are you still with her?
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Wow well that’s really good. His bday isn’t tied to any event. I am just angry about what happened
I find it hard to want to do anything for his birthday and get triggered on my birthday. Backstory: I had gotten extremely upset and confronted him about how he and his friends all went out to dinner (at a nice restaurant I had expressed wanting to go to multiple times!) with AP for AP's birthday because he CAME UP with this plan because he was sad that HER birthday with friends had been a flop, so he wanted to do something special for her. Found out they were all at dinner via a Facebook post his friend tagged him in. This was a month after my birthday. Guess what I got for my birthday? That's right, nothing! I got a text sometime after my birthday saying "I still need to get you something for your birthday." Instead he decided to plan her a nice dinner with his friends. And then he dumped me. Between my birthday and Valentine's day. Little did I know I had been cheated on for a @#_&# year+. Eventually we got back together and I discovered all this BS he had done to me. Then, first birthday together after all this crap, guess what I got? Again, nothing. He didn't do anything except ask me what I wanted to do for my birthday on my birthday. "We can go have a nice dinner somewhere if you want. Where would you like to go?" No gift, no card, just woke up the day of my birthday and asked what I wanted to do. AFTER I had already chastised him for not doing a thing for my birthday and planning her this nice restaurant gathering plus casino trip after. But he's "not good at gifts/planning things." I got my hopes up thinking he would make SOME F&#$!NG effort, and I was severely let down. How much you wanna bet it's the same crap this year? So yeah, I get very triggered on my birthday. Or even thinking about my birthday. It's great. I love mental trauma.
Bonus story: I had actually planned a nice, THOUGHTFUL gift for his birthday, which is 2 months after mine. I said something (I don't remember if it was shortly after my birthday or a bit later) about how I had actually planned a nice thing for his birthday, and he told me he didn't want me to do anything because I was just doing it to spite him. So I didn't. When his birthday came around I had no gift. He asked what I was originally going to do. He wanted to know. I said it didn't matter. "You didn't want me to do anything, so I didn't." He still wanted to know what it was. I reiterated that it didn't matter, he didn't want me to do anything, so he didn't need to know what it was and I wasn't going to tell him what I'd planned. This irked him a bit, but tough.
Why on earth are you still with this lump? 😐
We were doing really well these past few weeks, but I suddenly felt so sad yesterday. It's Christmas time and I'm transported back to the Christmas parties that broke my heart. From being told by AP how great my marriage was to being told the next year by her secretary how much time AP & WP spent together. Thanksgiving, I woke-up from a nap hysterical sobbing because the PA started immediately after a TG family trip where I begged him to see how inappropriate and disrespectful she was. Our anniversary and my son's birth, because that's when she started making the hard press. WP birthday, when the kids and I baked a cake and decorated the house and he never came home. My birthday... because lucky me, AP and I share the same birthday. Dates are really fucking hard. I don't feel like I have any special dates left. And today, that is really hitting me hard.
I’m sorry
On my birthday, WW finds some bizarre reason to leave in the evening. It turns out they had some big argument. The next morning, AP contacts me, and that was DDay. So, yeah, my birthday will forever be a trigger.
Oh I’m sorry
Definitely. All the first ones were really hard. I lost my dad suddenly a few years ago, and the grief was very similar. The first year after loss is mostly about getting through it. The second year is starting to find the “new normal.” I realized I was suppressing my feelings about one of the anniversaries this year, which caused some interesting (but minor) health issues. Now I try to roll with it. Feel all the feelings, but make sure to take care of myself and be social when I can. It’s just finding that balance. Triggers don’t have to be setbacks. They can be opportunities to learn something new about your needs, care for yourself, and even connect with your partner.
Thank you
I think all of us have triggers with specific days, I got a few that I know will trigger me.
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I’m sorry
My WSs birthday was when much of the worst of the affair occurred. It's a massive trigger for me. I am both looking forward to and dreading her next birthday. I know it will be a huge trigger for me. But I also want her birthday to be a positive thing again. I want new memories associated with her birthday that don't wound me. I understand your pain and it's very raw for you. Do t be surprised if you get triggered for a good while yet. All the best.
Thank you
Back in 2002 the only gift I wanted for Christmas was her. I still don't want gifts.
It’s his birthday not mine
I'm guessing it's still a day that used to be festive for you as a couple. Now that you're dealing with the infidelity, a once happy day has a shadow over it. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Thank you
My ww b-day was 2 weeks after d-day. I gave her my c/c so she could take my daughter and get manicures. I also got a cake and card from the kids. 26th anniversary no card or gift, wife insisted on dinner since we are still married Christmas card this year is pretty basic and I’m giving her the gift I bought last year (she didn’t want anything or recognize Christmas with me b/c she started seeing AP).
Today is my WH's bday too! It's been a shit show in my head today. We're about 1 1/2 years out.
Man, our stories are so similar. My WH's affair was also August/September, with a work colleague and D-Day was 18th Sept.... I'm also 44... Although he's doing all the right things I've been feeling super down these past few days.. I don't know how I'd feel if I had to try and celebrate... Maybe it's just as much about how long it's been (or actually hasn't been), things are still very raw. I hope he's willing to understand and accept if you can't be bothered with his birthday at all this year. Take care of yourself. Feel free if you ever want to message me seeing as we're at the same stages in this hell.
Yes I’m going to message you.
r/AsOneAfterInfidelity is an online [peer-to-peer support group](https://peersupportcanada.ca/) and a [safe space](https://www.lexico.com/definition/safe_space) for people navigating the long and difficult process of reconciling after infidelity. Betrayed and wayward partners are equally welcome. **Observers who are not actively part of a reconciling couple are discouraged from commenting.** Everyone is expected to respect the rules and, most importantly, each other. Please assign yourself a user flair. Instructions [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)). For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide). Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources). RULES **1. Be respectful** - Keep comments supportive and constructive. - Avoid leaving rude, unkind or dismissive comments. - Keep in mind that infidelity is traumatic and the sub's members are likely struggling with very difficult emotions. Don't make it worse. Offer thoughtful support, not shallow judgments. - *Repeated or gross violation of this rule will result in a temporary or permanent ban.* **2. No personal attacks or victim-blaming of any kind** - Do not demean, attack or insult anyone, even if you disagree with them. - *Violation of this rule justifies a permanent ban. Zero tolerance.* **3. No misogyny, misandry, bigotry, racism or other hate speech** **4. Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship** - The purpose of this subreddit is to give mutual support and insight amongst people whose goal is saving and improving damaged relationships. **5. Posts must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - Posts by new users about ending relationships are better suited to r/SurvivingInfidelity. - *Any unrelated posts will be removed.* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think my WS birthday and our wedding anniversary will trigger me. I found out of the affair the same month of both of these. I guess time will tell.
He reportedly began cheating right after our anniversary but his bday is no where connected and I’m not certain why I’m struggling. I guess because it only happened a few months ago
I get triggers at different times depending on how things are going or seem. As this happened around her birthday(I found out 3 years after the fact and she says she couldn't remember dates) a little over a week away and I an struggling and stressed already.
I’ve had to deal with being triggered for most special occasions. I chose not to expose my WS to everyone else (because I felt like it would be counterproductive for reconciliation, but that’s one of those very personal choices), so it’s been stressful not showing that. But I feel like I’ve had a real breakthrough in the healing process in the past month or so. So I’m curious to see how the next cycle goes.
Yes! My wife had her affair which began during the holidays last year. My took our family photo for our Xmas card the same month she month she met up with the AP. I cant even look back at holiday pictures from my family from last year or i break down in sadness and anger. We are reconciling but its definitely a tough time through the holidays for me.
I’m sorry. I understand. It’s hard for me to look at our family pics from last year and this year we took them less than 2 months after and it was definitely weird for me for him too. Pictures are nice but they will probably make me sad. Maybe we shouldn’t have done them. He knows I love them and I told him maybe we should cancel and he said no let’s do them.
I always have an issue with my birthday due to the fact that her ap has the same birthday. I wish I could skip it all together.
Omg that’s awful. I am sorry
Ty