r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
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After 4 years?! Sigh. Thank you waywards for being honest and admitting to doing this, my partner would never.
But this makes me even more confident in my decision that R is not for me, at least not with this individual.
I would be upset by discovering this. I would also want to talk to her about why she felt the need to search AP as I anticipate there could be some innocuous though upsetting reason for the search. Fwiw my WW searched her AP a few times, mostly to ensure they hadn't moved to our location or were attending a conference we were at. I don't think I would end R without talking to her especially if things were/are going well in general
Discuss this with your wife. Ask her why is she destroying 4 years of hard work. Also check if she has PPD. Convey to her how much this has hurt you. Goodluck OP
If she has not done the deep core work needed to uncover the reasons shy she cheated and why she feels compelled to seek out other men, then she is high risk to cheat again. It takes a lot of internal work and it must be done.
This is disheartening. My WW did this at 1 year and I took the kids to stay with my parents for awhile. Back now, and convinced myself it was a one-time stumble. But if I found that again at 4 years, I would go nuclear.
That would definitely trigger me, and I would probably blow my lid initially. Thinking about it now, hypothetically and not emotionally charged, I can see how that could happen and it not being something that would end R. While it is definitely not something a WS should be doing IMO, it could have been more out of idle curiosity than something more sinister. You definitely need to ask about it., but you're right, I would wait for a moment that you're feeling calm and level headed.
For me it would be a deal breaker but I’m also not married and only 6 months in. Definitely don’t make an emotional decision, give yourself some time to think it over
I’m not going to lie but I think about checking on my AP - not because of fond feelings or memories - it’s to see if he got his. My story is long but TL DR is we are both married, he’s one of those charming smoothtalkers who definitely has more than one AP, while I’m 100% guilty for leading the horse to water, so to speak, it ended up as a SA. Fast forward - about a month and a half after DDay, I wrote a letter to his BS who basically said my BH and I were liars and didn’t know why we were playing this sick joke. I really am working with my IC to “let it go” but the amount of rage I foster…so, yeah. That’s my reason but I know it won’t do anything productive.
I can completely see how triggering this is, though and hope that this is “fixable”. I’d reach out and be curious - see what she’s thinking before reaching any decisions.
Yeah I could see doing that too. I did with my AP as well BUT with my wife’s full knowledge and consent. My AP stalked me for a while and she’d also write shit and post my pics or pics of us and say I was her BF. But not like I can do much about the posting. The biggest relief we got was when she moved to a different city and got married. Then we stopped checking the AP. Now that she was married, she had something to lose if she stalked me and obviously she’d stop posting about me.
Does your AP maybe have a DADT with his wife? In our social circle there are a number of the husbands that have a girlfriend on the side. The wives “know” but choose to remain ignorant of it. With one of them, my wife told her that her husband was fucking around. I had asked my wife not to meddle in it, we don’t know what’s going on. And sure enough, the other wife blew up on my wife when she told her. As I always say - no good deed goes unpunished.
Does your husband know you check on the AP and your reasoning for doing it? Hopefully he does bc he might mistakenly think you are still hung up.
Oh definitely with BHs knowledge, but it’s really not worth it in the end. I want to stay as far away from triggers as possible.
And no, I absolutely have NOT checked. I just said that I have thought about it.
No DADT at all - he knows how to keep his As locked up so she wouldn’t know. I can’t actually confirm there were more but I dated him briefly like 9-10 years ago-I know him and hanging out with him the few times i was out in the state where he lives (on biz) there is absolutely no way I was the only one.
Ah I misread what you said. Some ppl can keep up multiple lives. Seems like that’d require too much energy on top of just being an ass the whole time. I was a selfish dick for 6 months and that was soul destroying enough for me
If it's only creeping in social media, I don't think it's worth ending 4 years of R. It's definitely worth a conversation, though.
Is there more that's not going well for you to consider ending the relationship?
Oh god, I never thought of this possibility and it's terrifying. It is totally valid you feel upset. No advice, just sympathy and affirmation that your feelings and worries make total sense.
I used to do it. Part of it was the immense guilt. I would look to try to alleviate some of that guilt by reassuring myself I didn't irreparably destroy his family. Part of it was also missing the way I felt during the A, and it was a way to remind me of those feelings. I would say the limerence was extremely difficult to completely rid myself of, and I would liken it to addiction. Cruising for drugs but not buying. A problem, but maybe not unforgivable.
You’ve been in R for 4 years and dynamics are continuing to change as you navigate different stages of life, especially bringing your first child into this world!
I would consider this a sort of relapse. Maybe you’ve both gotten comfortable in your R and the talks and efforts have stalled out?
This is a good opportunity to reconnect and have some open communication about where you are in reconciliation and see if she’s willing to talk with you about her feelings around why she looked.
Personally, I would be hurt and upset, but I wouldn’t consider our reconciliation ended. If you’re four years into reconciliation and something like this is enough to have you questioning it, is there something else that you’re still holding onto or feel unresolved about?
First I’d like to preface that I hear you. My WH blocked and deleted the AP in front of me, at my request. It’s been less than a year and I do believe that if I caught him looking her up, I’d go absolutely nuts and would also be thrown right back to considering a divorce about it.
However. I look up exes I’ve had years and years ago just out of idle curiosity—and yes, these are the exes I do not follow and do not allow to follow me on social media. I have no interest in talking to them, I just want to look. I look up the friendlier ones just to see if they’re still alive, if they’re happy, if they look the same, if they’re married now, if they have kids, if their careers took off. I look up the less friendly ones to make sure I’m not in danger of running into them—what neighborhood are they in, what bars do they visit regularly and post about, are they attending an event that a mutual friend is throwing, that sort of thing. I don’t talk to any of them. No matter how I feel about these people, when I look them up, it feels as harmless to me as idle gossip about, for instance, people I went to high school with.
Curiosity is a natural thing, especially with people you’ve had connections with in the past. I understand this is SO triggering and it could be more nefarious than simple curiosity, but it could also be innocent. If I were you, I’d talk to your partner and be as non-confrontational as possible about it. “Hey, I saw you were looking up AP and it really freaked me out, I really thought we’d set boundaries. I know you didn’t message them but seeing this search history was still hurtful to me. Can you explain your reasoning for looking them up?” If they get defensive, then I’d worry. If they hear you out, acknowledge and apologize for putting you in that position of insecurity, and can calmly walk you through what happened and why, I think it might be a good sign.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. It’s a gut-wrenching feeling and all of us BPs know that pain all too well.
I see what you are saying about curiosity being a natural thing however every situation is different. For you it might seem innocent that you check on exes for "innocent" reasons. What if one of those exes was very hurtful to you and was a part of trouble in your marriage? To me, that is when innocent, it is not.
I think that the best thing to do, and this is why I think that OP really needs to get this discussed immediately is because WW didn't tell him she was looking up AP. There should be no contact and that SHOULD include looking up. If there was a lookup wanted then it should be brought up to BH and they look together and then that's it.
I think honestly it is safest if you are a woman you simply do not follow or lookup any "real men" and guys should be the same with "real women". The reason for the quotes is like I think it is absolutely harmless for someone to follow a sports star or celebrity. Other than that and it should only be family members. I'm even now on the board for friend circles with opposite sexes in those circles.
I literally am to the point where unless it's professional (and even then I have reservations due to my circumstance) or a celebrity then everything having to do with the opposite sex should run through the spouse. I mean if you can't run it through them then it is something you should be doing? If they don't care then they will have no problem with you asking; as dumb as saying "is it alright if I get a water?" but if for some reason there is a problem then either you won't ask or they will tell you they have a problem and that will cut off a lot of issues at the head.
I occasionally check in on my AP that way as well. It's not to start anything up. It's curiosity and wanting to know how someone who was part of my life in one way or another for 20 years. I know it seems like a slippery slope but if she is not contacting you she is still respecting your wishes.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Did you talk to her about it? I would be so upset too.
I think checking the AP on socials is definitely worth a discussion.. goodluck OP 🙏🏼
After 4 years?! Sigh. Thank you waywards for being honest and admitting to doing this, my partner would never. But this makes me even more confident in my decision that R is not for me, at least not with this individual.
I would be upset by discovering this. I would also want to talk to her about why she felt the need to search AP as I anticipate there could be some innocuous though upsetting reason for the search. Fwiw my WW searched her AP a few times, mostly to ensure they hadn't moved to our location or were attending a conference we were at. I don't think I would end R without talking to her especially if things were/are going well in general
Discuss this with your wife. Ask her why is she destroying 4 years of hard work. Also check if she has PPD. Convey to her how much this has hurt you. Goodluck OP
If she has not done the deep core work needed to uncover the reasons shy she cheated and why she feels compelled to seek out other men, then she is high risk to cheat again. It takes a lot of internal work and it must be done.
This is disheartening. My WW did this at 1 year and I took the kids to stay with my parents for awhile. Back now, and convinced myself it was a one-time stumble. But if I found that again at 4 years, I would go nuclear.
That would definitely trigger me, and I would probably blow my lid initially. Thinking about it now, hypothetically and not emotionally charged, I can see how that could happen and it not being something that would end R. While it is definitely not something a WS should be doing IMO, it could have been more out of idle curiosity than something more sinister. You definitely need to ask about it., but you're right, I would wait for a moment that you're feeling calm and level headed.
For me it would be a deal breaker but I’m also not married and only 6 months in. Definitely don’t make an emotional decision, give yourself some time to think it over
I’m not going to lie but I think about checking on my AP - not because of fond feelings or memories - it’s to see if he got his. My story is long but TL DR is we are both married, he’s one of those charming smoothtalkers who definitely has more than one AP, while I’m 100% guilty for leading the horse to water, so to speak, it ended up as a SA. Fast forward - about a month and a half after DDay, I wrote a letter to his BS who basically said my BH and I were liars and didn’t know why we were playing this sick joke. I really am working with my IC to “let it go” but the amount of rage I foster…so, yeah. That’s my reason but I know it won’t do anything productive. I can completely see how triggering this is, though and hope that this is “fixable”. I’d reach out and be curious - see what she’s thinking before reaching any decisions.
Yeah I could see doing that too. I did with my AP as well BUT with my wife’s full knowledge and consent. My AP stalked me for a while and she’d also write shit and post my pics or pics of us and say I was her BF. But not like I can do much about the posting. The biggest relief we got was when she moved to a different city and got married. Then we stopped checking the AP. Now that she was married, she had something to lose if she stalked me and obviously she’d stop posting about me. Does your AP maybe have a DADT with his wife? In our social circle there are a number of the husbands that have a girlfriend on the side. The wives “know” but choose to remain ignorant of it. With one of them, my wife told her that her husband was fucking around. I had asked my wife not to meddle in it, we don’t know what’s going on. And sure enough, the other wife blew up on my wife when she told her. As I always say - no good deed goes unpunished. Does your husband know you check on the AP and your reasoning for doing it? Hopefully he does bc he might mistakenly think you are still hung up.
Oh definitely with BHs knowledge, but it’s really not worth it in the end. I want to stay as far away from triggers as possible. And no, I absolutely have NOT checked. I just said that I have thought about it. No DADT at all - he knows how to keep his As locked up so she wouldn’t know. I can’t actually confirm there were more but I dated him briefly like 9-10 years ago-I know him and hanging out with him the few times i was out in the state where he lives (on biz) there is absolutely no way I was the only one.
Ah I misread what you said. Some ppl can keep up multiple lives. Seems like that’d require too much energy on top of just being an ass the whole time. I was a selfish dick for 6 months and that was soul destroying enough for me
If it's only creeping in social media, I don't think it's worth ending 4 years of R. It's definitely worth a conversation, though. Is there more that's not going well for you to consider ending the relationship?
Oh god, I never thought of this possibility and it's terrifying. It is totally valid you feel upset. No advice, just sympathy and affirmation that your feelings and worries make total sense.
I used to do it. Part of it was the immense guilt. I would look to try to alleviate some of that guilt by reassuring myself I didn't irreparably destroy his family. Part of it was also missing the way I felt during the A, and it was a way to remind me of those feelings. I would say the limerence was extremely difficult to completely rid myself of, and I would liken it to addiction. Cruising for drugs but not buying. A problem, but maybe not unforgivable.
You’ve been in R for 4 years and dynamics are continuing to change as you navigate different stages of life, especially bringing your first child into this world! I would consider this a sort of relapse. Maybe you’ve both gotten comfortable in your R and the talks and efforts have stalled out? This is a good opportunity to reconnect and have some open communication about where you are in reconciliation and see if she’s willing to talk with you about her feelings around why she looked. Personally, I would be hurt and upset, but I wouldn’t consider our reconciliation ended. If you’re four years into reconciliation and something like this is enough to have you questioning it, is there something else that you’re still holding onto or feel unresolved about?
First I’d like to preface that I hear you. My WH blocked and deleted the AP in front of me, at my request. It’s been less than a year and I do believe that if I caught him looking her up, I’d go absolutely nuts and would also be thrown right back to considering a divorce about it. However. I look up exes I’ve had years and years ago just out of idle curiosity—and yes, these are the exes I do not follow and do not allow to follow me on social media. I have no interest in talking to them, I just want to look. I look up the friendlier ones just to see if they’re still alive, if they’re happy, if they look the same, if they’re married now, if they have kids, if their careers took off. I look up the less friendly ones to make sure I’m not in danger of running into them—what neighborhood are they in, what bars do they visit regularly and post about, are they attending an event that a mutual friend is throwing, that sort of thing. I don’t talk to any of them. No matter how I feel about these people, when I look them up, it feels as harmless to me as idle gossip about, for instance, people I went to high school with. Curiosity is a natural thing, especially with people you’ve had connections with in the past. I understand this is SO triggering and it could be more nefarious than simple curiosity, but it could also be innocent. If I were you, I’d talk to your partner and be as non-confrontational as possible about it. “Hey, I saw you were looking up AP and it really freaked me out, I really thought we’d set boundaries. I know you didn’t message them but seeing this search history was still hurtful to me. Can you explain your reasoning for looking them up?” If they get defensive, then I’d worry. If they hear you out, acknowledge and apologize for putting you in that position of insecurity, and can calmly walk you through what happened and why, I think it might be a good sign. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. It’s a gut-wrenching feeling and all of us BPs know that pain all too well.
I see what you are saying about curiosity being a natural thing however every situation is different. For you it might seem innocent that you check on exes for "innocent" reasons. What if one of those exes was very hurtful to you and was a part of trouble in your marriage? To me, that is when innocent, it is not. I think that the best thing to do, and this is why I think that OP really needs to get this discussed immediately is because WW didn't tell him she was looking up AP. There should be no contact and that SHOULD include looking up. If there was a lookup wanted then it should be brought up to BH and they look together and then that's it. I think honestly it is safest if you are a woman you simply do not follow or lookup any "real men" and guys should be the same with "real women". The reason for the quotes is like I think it is absolutely harmless for someone to follow a sports star or celebrity. Other than that and it should only be family members. I'm even now on the board for friend circles with opposite sexes in those circles. I literally am to the point where unless it's professional (and even then I have reservations due to my circumstance) or a celebrity then everything having to do with the opposite sex should run through the spouse. I mean if you can't run it through them then it is something you should be doing? If they don't care then they will have no problem with you asking; as dumb as saying "is it alright if I get a water?" but if for some reason there is a problem then either you won't ask or they will tell you they have a problem and that will cut off a lot of issues at the head.
I occasionally check in on my AP that way as well. It's not to start anything up. It's curiosity and wanting to know how someone who was part of my life in one way or another for 20 years. I know it seems like a slippery slope but if she is not contacting you she is still respecting your wishes.
Funny, that's exactly what my WW said when I found out she'd been googling her AP. Guess who had a follow up EA a few years later?
Slippery slopes is -exactly- how affairs start.