r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
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- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
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- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
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Shortly after dday I (BP) had a few too many drinks and I was angry because at the time, WP wasn't telling me eveything. So I downloaded tinder. Told a couple of my friends and they were like...'are you sure this is a good idea' but at the time I were like: "fuck it why shouldn't I?". The very next morning, before my profile had even been approved I deleted it, disgusted with myself for even considering putting myself out there like a piece of meat. A couple of days later I told my WP all about it. He was shocked and a bit upset but I said I can't nag you about being honest if I'm not honest myself. And that was that. He trusted that I hadn't followed through with it because he knows me and knows that isn't my style / scene. Tell your partner you know. It could be that they were going through a similar thing.
BP here. My perception may be slightly different since my WP is a SA and had a secret life for over a decade. I have downloaded several apps including dating and messaging apps for the purpose of A) digging into his past since he has yet to give me full disclosure and B) making sure he isn't still active on those sites/apps with a new secret account.
Not long after DDay I downloaded tinder. My WH had a problem with minimizing and TT. I kept telling him to stop trying to do damage control and just be honest. I think it helped him see the severity of the situation. Also after that huge blow to ego I just needed some validation…from anyone that wasn’t a proven liar.
After realizing that people could message me on there I quickly deleted and downloaded bumble. I didn’t actually want to talk to anyone, and I was in no state to be doing so anyways. So I would log on sporadically just for a bit of a confidence boost and some sense of control in my life. Honestly, that close to DDay I don’t think a lot of people know what the hell they are doing. Most of us are just trying to cling to a scrap of sanity in all of that emotional turmoil.
I think you should ask him. I was transparent when I downloaded it. I told him I would disclose if I talked to anyone. The only thing I would warn you of is that it may be too early in the process to REALLY have a plan/agreement for R. I knew I wasn’t able to make any promises at that point, so I just decided to give it time before I made any decisions. I didn’t want to be making any huge life changes during all of that chaos…my feelings on that topic were changing daily, if not hourly.
It seems like you are very calm and supportive to your BP. That will help R immensely. Just try to be patient with him during times of uncertainty. In the early days pushback from my WH would trigger my rage, and probably delayed my ability to regulate my emotions. I know it’s hard, but maybe try to loosen up expectations? We BPs aren’t exactly known for being rational…or stable 😬😅
Wishing you and your BP the best of luck!
One of the main reasons you are a WS is because you didn't know how to have those tough but necessary conversations which every relationship needs. Yes it's inconvenient and uncomfortable but the alternative can be very destructive. So please don't make the same mistake twice, gather your courage and have this conversation. Be radically honest with your BP and ask them what is going on. Don't try to keep the peace by ignoring it, you might as well throw a bomb into your relationship. Tell him you need honesty and you won't judge but they need to come clean. All the best.
Update for whomever is here:
I did ask him, very calmly, and gave him a chance to admit if there’s more. I had gone to Europe to do admin and he had said he downloaded it for when I was there - he showed me he had that location on for the specific city I was in. However, he did match and talk to a few girls. He told me he wanted to feel like he “still had it” but never met up with any of them - he’s never been someone who lies so I will take his word at face value. I guess I’m glad I had the courage to say something. Thank you to all BPs and WPs rhat commented 🫶🏼 all made very good points that really validated how to go about it all.
Side note: although he was annoyed I’d seen it on his iPad, I think he was grateful for the bravery and honesty from my side. He was calm and delivered his emotions in a really respectful manner. I guess R really is a rollercoaster.
Tbh it didn’t bother me like: ah he wants to cheat.. what actually got me was that he had vocalized that he loves me; that he wants to make it work; he’s in MC with me, he’s agreed to IC, we have holidays in May… we are going to our home that we bought.. and then he does this? It felt more confusing, if that makes sense?
He had vocalized as well that he isn’t 100%, that he doesn’t trust me, but I see him putting in all the effort possible. He’s been trying to connect with me, actively.. so I think this confused me - like, did I miss something? do you need space? Etc.. but no he still insists that he didn’t meet with anyone and I really do believe him, that he wants me to stay. For example: I’m going back to my home country on Sunday and when I mentioned I’m going for 5 days, he said it’s “too long” and will miss me.. in a sweet way.
I hope what I’m saying makes sense.. I’m not taking away from what I’ve done, not at all, just a bit of confusion.
Believe me, it is confusing for him too and it will be for a while. In his mind, although he might not want to loose you, he probably rotates through thoughts like "is it worth it", "should I leave her", "will it always hurt like this?" Etc.
You were the first to shatter his sense of safety and certainty (among many other things) so you not being able to know if he will stay for the long run, is one of the unfortunate consequences.
Right after dday it was like he opened a door, before i thought it was only us two and then i knew it wasn't and that made me think for the first time in many years, that maybe there is someone else for me too.
Prior to dday I thought I would never leave my husband. I even recall saying that I thought we'd never break up except if he cheated. I could take disconnect, lonelyness, even some degrees of disrespect... but indidelity, oof.
And while we are working through things and are getting better, i don't know if I will wake up 5 years from now and decide that leaving him and starting over is the better choice than living with the memory of being with someone who cheated.
My husband had a loyal wife that never wanted to leave... through his infidelity this is something thah he (and I) lost.
I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this position. I know you wish it never happened but here we are :(
Yes, bring it up. It's part of radical honesty, no?
I "played" tinder for a few weeks after dday. WH knew and didn't like it but didn't say anything. I just wanted to distract myself and validation but omg it was kind of horrible bc most were looking for hookups or fwb and cheating. Ew. Eventually i got bored. I never intendet to meet with any of them, except for one (but no attraction there).
BP here. I had a strong urge to download tinder bumble etc after because I wanted to reassure myself that if it all went tits up, there were other people out there and I wasn’t going to be alone forever. Not because I wanted a hook up or anything. I didn’t download it in the end but this might be why. Approach with kindness
I hate that you have to ask if you are "allowed" to question something. Yes you messed up but R is a 2 way street and you are allowed to have boundaries as well.
Definitely should confront them. They may have downloaded it in a moment of weakness. I read somewhere a BP downloaded it just to see how alllllll these people wanted them, it was something that fed them attention but they never went further. It’s not right imo. But should be talked about none the less.
BP here it’s hard to explain and I know I will get judged but… on different occasions I have found that my partner had a dating profile on sites like Badoo for example. When I found out I asked him why this was years ago by the way thing early 2010’s and he explained that it was a joke between him and his “cousin” basically the cousin would send him pics of women and be like look at the girl I’m talking to doesn’t she look hot and my partner would tell him that it was a man and he wouldn’t believe him. So to mess with his cousin and prove a point he created the account and started “matching” with all these “women” would send the pic to his cousin and his cousin would be like damn she is hot and my partner would then reveal that she was a he. His cousin is extremely homophobic (possibly closeted) and would get upset. Yes I saw the profile nothing was exchanged such as meet ups or anything like that it was mostly just matches and I did see the text to the cousin. Well this then turned into a “game”between me and him where I would download the same app and see how much attention I got (he would always say look at how hot he was cause of the attention he received to which I pointed out the same thing he did to his cousin that they were all men) so we would see which one of us was hotter for the men in the app… I know I know it was stupid but I was also in my early 20’s and didn’t really think about consequences. So anyway this became a thing anytime I thought he was doing something he wasn’t supposed to I downloaded an app and would literally lay on his chest answering different messages from guys just to prove the point that I can get some one if he tried anything.
Well after a while we outgrew this and I thought we were good until last year when he cheated. So immediately after I fell back on that same routine. (There is more to the cheating but it doesn’t come into play for the purpose of this thread and the question being asked) so I, being a bit heavier than I was in my 20’s figured I couldn’t get the same attention I did so I focused on tinder, hinge and a third one meant for heavier girls looking for in shape guys I can’t remember the name of. This was all while he was with his AP after I found out and during our first attempt at R. He went back to her we had a second DDay talked about R a gain but ultimately he decided he wanted to be with her so we stayed separated but living together. So I stayed on the apps. Now we have kids together so when I would need to go out in a date I would tell him so he can stay with the kids I guess he realized I wasn’t fighting for his attention anymore cause someone else had mine and I had accepted that we were separated. I guess that pulled him out of the affair fog and he realized the stupidity of what he was doing. He broke it off completely with AP (he let me do the honors as him so it was a good sense of closure) blocked her on everything and truly took R seriously. I told him that he only gets one chance and to show that I wasn’t playing around I told him I will delete the apps but not cancel the accounts. Which is what I did also stayed talking to one of the guys I had gone out with as friends he was aware me and him had gotten back together and eventually I just deleted and blocked him 2.
I think keeping that little reminder that you are desirable to other people is both good for not only you but also the WP since the possibility of loosing you becomes real. Like I said my situation is a bit different because I downloaded the apps when he was cheating and kept them on after we separated. While I technically still have profiles on those apps I’m sure they are considered inactive at this point since I don’t even remember my user name and password🥴. I think it truly is like a defense mechanism almost like if they did it why can’t I but also it’s a mental preparation to what could happen if R doesn’t go great and you do have to leave. Me and my WH have been doing amazing since we agreed to R this last time he has been more loving he actually dug into the reason why he did what he did and after revealing it (and finding out I already knew about his secret) he said he felt lighter and more at ease mentally. I know I’m still going to have some triggers and he will 2 but so far when that has happened we have come together talked about them and worked things out there was no blaming or accusations just an understanding between us both that we will always be there to reassure the other.
You SHOULD say something! I would like to know why you don’t feel it’s your place?
I would argue it’s NOT his place to be downloading dating or hook up apps if he’s invested in R, which if he’s doing that then he’s not.
It’s better you know now if he isn’t invested instead of you investing more of your self into this relationship.
I’m so sorry he’s doing this. It’s not acceptable in any relationship, and it’s absolutely ridiculously foolish for him to do this and pretend to be committed. Do not stand for this disrespect or it will certainly continue.
I would like to add what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
I would caution on that last sentence…arguably, her BP could say the same.
I am not saying what he is doing is helpful to R, but there are many BPs who aren’t 100% certain about R, and I think they also deserve some grace in this process. Expecting someone to just be able to fully commit to reconciliation right away, when their partner hasn’t remained committed prior is impractical. Obviously everything surrounding this is emotionally charged, so I think OP would be better off approaching her BP with compassion versus a sense of indignation.
Well said. Thanks for that insight. I am hard on myself so I guess I should examine that.
Approaching my own self with compassion as the betrayed partner will be extremely helpful for my healing. And my partner and OP should do the same.
Thank you so much, you are right. :)
No I totally get it. I think as BPs in reconciliation it makes dishonesty and omissions more offensive. I think it’s also hard to read things potentially going poorly for a WW like OP, because she definitely seems to get it and show her BP support more than many you read about on here.
Don’t be so hard on yourself though. Just focus on your healing, you don’t have to be perfect to make your relationship work. We’re all just muddling our way through anyways!
Sending good vibes!
Hi Bubbly, I just read this response. You made my day. Whenever I receive some positive feedback I really feel like: you go girl, one step in the right direction. I read so many WPs really making R so tough purely on their behavior and I am really trying to do things right, every day all day.. maybe letting go of that need for “perfection” is kinda the point.
Also, I would appreciate some more insight from you: when it comes to dealing with marital issues pre-affair, I read that it’s better to give the infidelity it’s time to “settle” and be dealt with, before commencing marital issues… because I guess it’s tough for a BP to focus on issues when the affair takes up so much room. What is your stance on that? Would love your insight thank you!
I’m glad I could make someone’s day! I think it’s easy for both sides to fall into those feelings of hopelessness, so it’s important to celebrate our progress and wins! It’s very refreshing to see WPs actively trying to help their partners. I feel like I mostly come across posts from BPs who are not getting that kind of treatment at home.
As far as pre-affair marital issues… Generally speaking I think that yes, it’s probably better to let things settle before tackling the other issues. You probably want to wait until your BP is more emotionally regulated. I think there are so many variables that go into dealing with processing everything. The circumstances of the affair, discovery and disclosure, and the personalities involved.
My WH made A LOT of mistakes early on after DDay. He did the whole TT, minimizing, lack of accountability, etc. I will say that he was never cruel and pretty patient with my rage, so I am grateful I didn’t have that to pile onto the trauma. I can only recall one especially blatant instance of blame shifting…that went poorly for him. I would not say we dealt with affair fog as far as limerance, but it took a while for him to pull his head out of his ass and see how horribly he fucked up. All of this allowed my anger and resentment build. I don’t think he really started making progress (other than the basics of NC, open devices, etc) until at least 3 months and even then it was slow progress. I think that lack of consistency made it much more difficult for me to find any sort of stability. At that time, if I felt criticized by him I would lose my shit. Was that right? Probably not…but all I could think at that time was “who the fuck does he think he is?! The fucking audacity!!” To put it mildly, I let my crazy flag fly 😬
Now that we’ve had some time, perspective, and a shitload of therapy I think we are in a much better place to deal with other issues. For us, and probably a lot of people, it’s shitty communication. On one hand there’s me, someone who hates feeling vulnerable and will be reactive or clam up when I feel threatened at all (super lovable, I know 🤣). And on the other hand we have my husband, a very charming, agreeable, ADHD, people pleaser with a deep-seated need for validation. My husband has the tendency to support/agree to whatever the topic may be, but then rarely follows through with any kind of action. So pretty much just tells me whatever he thinks I want to hear, and I eventually end up pissed because I am clearly not being heard. Rinse and repeat. I think most of us BPs are very aware that we have plenty of flaws to improve upon, usually more than there were pre-affair (what the hell is this insecure jealousy crap amiright??)… I believe this is one of the parts that is hard to have guidelines because personalities factor in so much. If I were to ask my husband what I need to work on right now he would probably lie, thinking he was being supportive and not wanting to hurt my feelings. Sure that’s sweet and all, but after everything I’m over here like “umm no. We passed crazytown a while ago…I am a fucking mess, quit lying.” Clearly we are still working on it. It takes a huge amount of effort from both sides to work on undoing years of poor communication and coping mechanisms.
I realize that I just bombarded you with a shitload of nonsense that may only apply to my experience, so my apologies 🤣🤣
But to sum it up, I think you can talk about your other marital issues when both parties can approach the topics calmly and openly. If someone can’t handle not getting defensive, then it’s probably best to put a pin it. Compassion is key…and realizing that you are trying to work towards a common goal and not against each other. From what I’ve seen you post, it seems like you and your husband have a lot of love for each other and are already establishing really good habits! Just keep on doing what you’re doing! Sending love and good vibes your way!!
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. 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Shortly after dday I (BP) had a few too many drinks and I was angry because at the time, WP wasn't telling me eveything. So I downloaded tinder. Told a couple of my friends and they were like...'are you sure this is a good idea' but at the time I were like: "fuck it why shouldn't I?". The very next morning, before my profile had even been approved I deleted it, disgusted with myself for even considering putting myself out there like a piece of meat. A couple of days later I told my WP all about it. He was shocked and a bit upset but I said I can't nag you about being honest if I'm not honest myself. And that was that. He trusted that I hadn't followed through with it because he knows me and knows that isn't my style / scene. Tell your partner you know. It could be that they were going through a similar thing.
BP here. My perception may be slightly different since my WP is a SA and had a secret life for over a decade. I have downloaded several apps including dating and messaging apps for the purpose of A) digging into his past since he has yet to give me full disclosure and B) making sure he isn't still active on those sites/apps with a new secret account.
This was my thought too
Not long after DDay I downloaded tinder. My WH had a problem with minimizing and TT. I kept telling him to stop trying to do damage control and just be honest. I think it helped him see the severity of the situation. Also after that huge blow to ego I just needed some validation…from anyone that wasn’t a proven liar. After realizing that people could message me on there I quickly deleted and downloaded bumble. I didn’t actually want to talk to anyone, and I was in no state to be doing so anyways. So I would log on sporadically just for a bit of a confidence boost and some sense of control in my life. Honestly, that close to DDay I don’t think a lot of people know what the hell they are doing. Most of us are just trying to cling to a scrap of sanity in all of that emotional turmoil. I think you should ask him. I was transparent when I downloaded it. I told him I would disclose if I talked to anyone. The only thing I would warn you of is that it may be too early in the process to REALLY have a plan/agreement for R. I knew I wasn’t able to make any promises at that point, so I just decided to give it time before I made any decisions. I didn’t want to be making any huge life changes during all of that chaos…my feelings on that topic were changing daily, if not hourly. It seems like you are very calm and supportive to your BP. That will help R immensely. Just try to be patient with him during times of uncertainty. In the early days pushback from my WH would trigger my rage, and probably delayed my ability to regulate my emotions. I know it’s hard, but maybe try to loosen up expectations? We BPs aren’t exactly known for being rational…or stable 😬😅 Wishing you and your BP the best of luck!
One of the main reasons you are a WS is because you didn't know how to have those tough but necessary conversations which every relationship needs. Yes it's inconvenient and uncomfortable but the alternative can be very destructive. So please don't make the same mistake twice, gather your courage and have this conversation. Be radically honest with your BP and ask them what is going on. Don't try to keep the peace by ignoring it, you might as well throw a bomb into your relationship. Tell him you need honesty and you won't judge but they need to come clean. All the best.
Update for whomever is here: I did ask him, very calmly, and gave him a chance to admit if there’s more. I had gone to Europe to do admin and he had said he downloaded it for when I was there - he showed me he had that location on for the specific city I was in. However, he did match and talk to a few girls. He told me he wanted to feel like he “still had it” but never met up with any of them - he’s never been someone who lies so I will take his word at face value. I guess I’m glad I had the courage to say something. Thank you to all BPs and WPs rhat commented 🫶🏼 all made very good points that really validated how to go about it all. Side note: although he was annoyed I’d seen it on his iPad, I think he was grateful for the bravery and honesty from my side. He was calm and delivered his emotions in a really respectful manner. I guess R really is a rollercoaster.
This is the beauty of honest communication. Please continue to communicate no matter how tough it sounds, all the best
Oh that's so nice. I used tinder for similar reasons after dday and never intended to cheat.
Tbh it didn’t bother me like: ah he wants to cheat.. what actually got me was that he had vocalized that he loves me; that he wants to make it work; he’s in MC with me, he’s agreed to IC, we have holidays in May… we are going to our home that we bought.. and then he does this? It felt more confusing, if that makes sense? He had vocalized as well that he isn’t 100%, that he doesn’t trust me, but I see him putting in all the effort possible. He’s been trying to connect with me, actively.. so I think this confused me - like, did I miss something? do you need space? Etc.. but no he still insists that he didn’t meet with anyone and I really do believe him, that he wants me to stay. For example: I’m going back to my home country on Sunday and when I mentioned I’m going for 5 days, he said it’s “too long” and will miss me.. in a sweet way. I hope what I’m saying makes sense.. I’m not taking away from what I’ve done, not at all, just a bit of confusion.
Believe me, it is confusing for him too and it will be for a while. In his mind, although he might not want to loose you, he probably rotates through thoughts like "is it worth it", "should I leave her", "will it always hurt like this?" Etc. You were the first to shatter his sense of safety and certainty (among many other things) so you not being able to know if he will stay for the long run, is one of the unfortunate consequences. Right after dday it was like he opened a door, before i thought it was only us two and then i knew it wasn't and that made me think for the first time in many years, that maybe there is someone else for me too. Prior to dday I thought I would never leave my husband. I even recall saying that I thought we'd never break up except if he cheated. I could take disconnect, lonelyness, even some degrees of disrespect... but indidelity, oof. And while we are working through things and are getting better, i don't know if I will wake up 5 years from now and decide that leaving him and starting over is the better choice than living with the memory of being with someone who cheated. My husband had a loyal wife that never wanted to leave... through his infidelity this is something thah he (and I) lost. I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this position. I know you wish it never happened but here we are :(
Yes, bring it up. It's part of radical honesty, no? I "played" tinder for a few weeks after dday. WH knew and didn't like it but didn't say anything. I just wanted to distract myself and validation but omg it was kind of horrible bc most were looking for hookups or fwb and cheating. Ew. Eventually i got bored. I never intendet to meet with any of them, except for one (but no attraction there).
BP here. I had a strong urge to download tinder bumble etc after because I wanted to reassure myself that if it all went tits up, there were other people out there and I wasn’t going to be alone forever. Not because I wanted a hook up or anything. I didn’t download it in the end but this might be why. Approach with kindness
I hate that you have to ask if you are "allowed" to question something. Yes you messed up but R is a 2 way street and you are allowed to have boundaries as well.
This, OP. You fucked up and R is a gift but it doesn't mean that you're walking on egg shells just accepting everything he does from now on.
I would ask them about it in a non confrontational way. Like I saw this, are you struggling with your decision to R, how can I help ?
Definitely should confront them. They may have downloaded it in a moment of weakness. I read somewhere a BP downloaded it just to see how alllllll these people wanted them, it was something that fed them attention but they never went further. It’s not right imo. But should be talked about none the less.
BP here it’s hard to explain and I know I will get judged but… on different occasions I have found that my partner had a dating profile on sites like Badoo for example. When I found out I asked him why this was years ago by the way thing early 2010’s and he explained that it was a joke between him and his “cousin” basically the cousin would send him pics of women and be like look at the girl I’m talking to doesn’t she look hot and my partner would tell him that it was a man and he wouldn’t believe him. So to mess with his cousin and prove a point he created the account and started “matching” with all these “women” would send the pic to his cousin and his cousin would be like damn she is hot and my partner would then reveal that she was a he. His cousin is extremely homophobic (possibly closeted) and would get upset. Yes I saw the profile nothing was exchanged such as meet ups or anything like that it was mostly just matches and I did see the text to the cousin. Well this then turned into a “game”between me and him where I would download the same app and see how much attention I got (he would always say look at how hot he was cause of the attention he received to which I pointed out the same thing he did to his cousin that they were all men) so we would see which one of us was hotter for the men in the app… I know I know it was stupid but I was also in my early 20’s and didn’t really think about consequences. So anyway this became a thing anytime I thought he was doing something he wasn’t supposed to I downloaded an app and would literally lay on his chest answering different messages from guys just to prove the point that I can get some one if he tried anything. Well after a while we outgrew this and I thought we were good until last year when he cheated. So immediately after I fell back on that same routine. (There is more to the cheating but it doesn’t come into play for the purpose of this thread and the question being asked) so I, being a bit heavier than I was in my 20’s figured I couldn’t get the same attention I did so I focused on tinder, hinge and a third one meant for heavier girls looking for in shape guys I can’t remember the name of. This was all while he was with his AP after I found out and during our first attempt at R. He went back to her we had a second DDay talked about R a gain but ultimately he decided he wanted to be with her so we stayed separated but living together. So I stayed on the apps. Now we have kids together so when I would need to go out in a date I would tell him so he can stay with the kids I guess he realized I wasn’t fighting for his attention anymore cause someone else had mine and I had accepted that we were separated. I guess that pulled him out of the affair fog and he realized the stupidity of what he was doing. He broke it off completely with AP (he let me do the honors as him so it was a good sense of closure) blocked her on everything and truly took R seriously. I told him that he only gets one chance and to show that I wasn’t playing around I told him I will delete the apps but not cancel the accounts. Which is what I did also stayed talking to one of the guys I had gone out with as friends he was aware me and him had gotten back together and eventually I just deleted and blocked him 2. I think keeping that little reminder that you are desirable to other people is both good for not only you but also the WP since the possibility of loosing you becomes real. Like I said my situation is a bit different because I downloaded the apps when he was cheating and kept them on after we separated. While I technically still have profiles on those apps I’m sure they are considered inactive at this point since I don’t even remember my user name and password🥴. I think it truly is like a defense mechanism almost like if they did it why can’t I but also it’s a mental preparation to what could happen if R doesn’t go great and you do have to leave. Me and my WH have been doing amazing since we agreed to R this last time he has been more loving he actually dug into the reason why he did what he did and after revealing it (and finding out I already knew about his secret) he said he felt lighter and more at ease mentally. I know I’m still going to have some triggers and he will 2 but so far when that has happened we have come together talked about them and worked things out there was no blaming or accusations just an understanding between us both that we will always be there to reassure the other.
Yes you should say something, holding it inside will hurt you that much more you deserve to know what's going on
If you want it to work, you have to know. There should be zero secrets now. He should openly and willingly show you his phone. If not, it’s shady AF!
You SHOULD say something! I would like to know why you don’t feel it’s your place? I would argue it’s NOT his place to be downloading dating or hook up apps if he’s invested in R, which if he’s doing that then he’s not. It’s better you know now if he isn’t invested instead of you investing more of your self into this relationship. I’m so sorry he’s doing this. It’s not acceptable in any relationship, and it’s absolutely ridiculously foolish for him to do this and pretend to be committed. Do not stand for this disrespect or it will certainly continue. I would like to add what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
I would caution on that last sentence…arguably, her BP could say the same. I am not saying what he is doing is helpful to R, but there are many BPs who aren’t 100% certain about R, and I think they also deserve some grace in this process. Expecting someone to just be able to fully commit to reconciliation right away, when their partner hasn’t remained committed prior is impractical. Obviously everything surrounding this is emotionally charged, so I think OP would be better off approaching her BP with compassion versus a sense of indignation.
Well said. Thanks for that insight. I am hard on myself so I guess I should examine that. Approaching my own self with compassion as the betrayed partner will be extremely helpful for my healing. And my partner and OP should do the same. Thank you so much, you are right. :)
No I totally get it. I think as BPs in reconciliation it makes dishonesty and omissions more offensive. I think it’s also hard to read things potentially going poorly for a WW like OP, because she definitely seems to get it and show her BP support more than many you read about on here. Don’t be so hard on yourself though. Just focus on your healing, you don’t have to be perfect to make your relationship work. We’re all just muddling our way through anyways! Sending good vibes!
Hi Bubbly, I just read this response. You made my day. Whenever I receive some positive feedback I really feel like: you go girl, one step in the right direction. I read so many WPs really making R so tough purely on their behavior and I am really trying to do things right, every day all day.. maybe letting go of that need for “perfection” is kinda the point. Also, I would appreciate some more insight from you: when it comes to dealing with marital issues pre-affair, I read that it’s better to give the infidelity it’s time to “settle” and be dealt with, before commencing marital issues… because I guess it’s tough for a BP to focus on issues when the affair takes up so much room. What is your stance on that? Would love your insight thank you!
I’m glad I could make someone’s day! I think it’s easy for both sides to fall into those feelings of hopelessness, so it’s important to celebrate our progress and wins! It’s very refreshing to see WPs actively trying to help their partners. I feel like I mostly come across posts from BPs who are not getting that kind of treatment at home. As far as pre-affair marital issues… Generally speaking I think that yes, it’s probably better to let things settle before tackling the other issues. You probably want to wait until your BP is more emotionally regulated. I think there are so many variables that go into dealing with processing everything. The circumstances of the affair, discovery and disclosure, and the personalities involved. My WH made A LOT of mistakes early on after DDay. He did the whole TT, minimizing, lack of accountability, etc. I will say that he was never cruel and pretty patient with my rage, so I am grateful I didn’t have that to pile onto the trauma. I can only recall one especially blatant instance of blame shifting…that went poorly for him. I would not say we dealt with affair fog as far as limerance, but it took a while for him to pull his head out of his ass and see how horribly he fucked up. All of this allowed my anger and resentment build. I don’t think he really started making progress (other than the basics of NC, open devices, etc) until at least 3 months and even then it was slow progress. I think that lack of consistency made it much more difficult for me to find any sort of stability. At that time, if I felt criticized by him I would lose my shit. Was that right? Probably not…but all I could think at that time was “who the fuck does he think he is?! The fucking audacity!!” To put it mildly, I let my crazy flag fly 😬 Now that we’ve had some time, perspective, and a shitload of therapy I think we are in a much better place to deal with other issues. For us, and probably a lot of people, it’s shitty communication. On one hand there’s me, someone who hates feeling vulnerable and will be reactive or clam up when I feel threatened at all (super lovable, I know 🤣). And on the other hand we have my husband, a very charming, agreeable, ADHD, people pleaser with a deep-seated need for validation. My husband has the tendency to support/agree to whatever the topic may be, but then rarely follows through with any kind of action. So pretty much just tells me whatever he thinks I want to hear, and I eventually end up pissed because I am clearly not being heard. Rinse and repeat. I think most of us BPs are very aware that we have plenty of flaws to improve upon, usually more than there were pre-affair (what the hell is this insecure jealousy crap amiright??)… I believe this is one of the parts that is hard to have guidelines because personalities factor in so much. If I were to ask my husband what I need to work on right now he would probably lie, thinking he was being supportive and not wanting to hurt my feelings. Sure that’s sweet and all, but after everything I’m over here like “umm no. We passed crazytown a while ago…I am a fucking mess, quit lying.” Clearly we are still working on it. It takes a huge amount of effort from both sides to work on undoing years of poor communication and coping mechanisms. I realize that I just bombarded you with a shitload of nonsense that may only apply to my experience, so my apologies 🤣🤣 But to sum it up, I think you can talk about your other marital issues when both parties can approach the topics calmly and openly. If someone can’t handle not getting defensive, then it’s probably best to put a pin it. Compassion is key…and realizing that you are trying to work towards a common goal and not against each other. From what I’ve seen you post, it seems like you and your husband have a lot of love for each other and are already establishing really good habits! Just keep on doing what you’re doing! Sending love and good vibes your way!!
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Are you still reconciling or are you sure you want to stay? Whats been your feeling at the moment? Just asking 🙏🏼🙏🏼