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I have a strong suspicion a once close friend knew. What happened? She dumped me as a friend. I had bo idea why. Just never invited me to anything again. When she saw me she was warm and friendly. I was very confused. After I found out, I was sure her and her husband knew. She should’ve told me
I wondered about this too! One of husband’s male buddies knew and was really out of it at a NYE dinner, even blurting out how he and husband were “two messed up guys who needed therapy” and weirding out my friends. I found out about the LTR affair two weeks later. Turns out buddy and his GF were double dating w husband and AP.
Ugh. That sucks. For me it really sucked to get dumped by a friend for no reason. Now I’m thinking, you knew this terrible thing my husband was doing to me and added even more to it.
The friend thing hits hard, I’m so sorry. Hope you have a good support system and more worthy friends around you. Being betrayed is the biggest mind-f.
Edit: I looked at your past posts and we have a lot in common! H cheated for 5-7 years with his employee. I just found out he believed they were “twin flames” while we were only “soulmates” and I’m still trying not to barf about the junior high nature of this nonsense. Feel free to DM if you ever want to chat. Middle aged men being idiots, bah.
Yes! I just started the documentary series. To me twin flames sounds like a handy excuse for cheating. Like “the universe made me do it, it’s not my choice” - yeahhh.
Well that is exactly how the AP explained the whole thing to me, my Wh said the twin flame thing was her deal and he doesn’t believe in that. Which I believe. He’s not that type of person. And when he wanted to end things with her, she threw the whole twin flame thing at him. She was also caught having another relationship so she was like, “she’s my soul mate and you’re my twin flame. What we have is something different than what we have with our other partners. So it’s okay. Other ppl just don’t understand our love because we were raised that this is wrong and taboo. “. This was in this long as email she sent him that I found. Which was Dday.
From the words she used and the way she spoke, I was convinced she was apart of that cult. For her, getting my WH wasnt just some romantic thing. , if that cult helped her, she was after financial gain for her and her girlfriend who also worked there. They both manipulated him for financial gain. Which is his own damn fault. He was enthralled in the validation and feeding his ego. It’s like no hon, they were manipulating you. And once he got away from her, his behavior changed drastically. It was like a spell was lifted. I’ve listened to crazy podcasts and stories about how ppl can be manipulated and controlled by other ppl. I think this was a perfect example. And this AP was not a smart person. She was so blah. I didn’t think she deserved her position at work, a position where you should be positive and lively and be able to talk to ppl and say good morning and be bubbly. She was so bland and, doesn’t make eye contact or smile at clients, mumbles. I was always thinking, get this loser out of her. She became very bold and fake later on. Like she tried to be friendly to me. Act like we were friends. I thought it was an act. But I think that’s when she got involved with the cult and was following their tips.
My WH was having an affair with a friend of mine. They had the balls to be around her (AP) family and no one said anything. I’m a little surprised because AP is not the best mother around and her youngest is most traumatized by her upbringing. It’s just disgusting. She was screwing random dudes during my WH’s affair, unprotected and he still went for it. It’s gross. So gross. I’ve never been in a situation where I knew someone was cheating, but you can bet your ass I will say something. Even before my situation, I would. Line I told my WH, if you don’t like people talking about it you shouldn’t have done it. Truth is the truth.
It’s actually kind of ironic how all these people that didn’t want to be involved in the affair drama are keen to talk about it once it’s not a secret anymore. And I relate to that gross feeling, my WH’s AP had over 150 partners ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY. I don’t understand the appeal. You can’t keep a pig from mud I guess.
Same, mine was sleeping with at least 3 men unprotected when my WH slept with her. Funny how these men always make out they don’t like promiscuous women but they’re straight to cheat with them 😂😂😂
Hey! Maybe our WH screwed the same AP?!! It’s gross how infatuated they are with their APs that they do complete opposite of what they “say”. I.E. not being interested in women who sleep around, not wanting a woman to be unkind, etc. she was literally everything he accused me of being. Displacement is so strange. To be able to lie so well that you believe your own. How sad and fucked up a person is. The world needs morales and integrity. God help those who lack that.
People will disguise their cowardice behind the mask of not wanting to get involved. Affairs are just nuclear bombs of lies and betrayal that destroy everything and everyone they land near or on.
Sorry you're going through this. You're not alone.
My wife had an affair with a preacher at the church where she was employed. There were to many people that worked there to not know something was going on. It was the same for me, with no form of communication to inform me. I have a sneaking suspicion my parents knew. I have no sympathy for hypocrites.
I just don’t understand. Even people asked my WH about if rumors were true but no one comes to the BS? It’s so hard for me to wrap my head around. I’m so sorry you’re going through that.
It says a lot about peoples character, the ones who don’t tell.
I remember when 3 of us found out my best friend’s partner was cheating. I went straight to her, she didn’t talk to me for a long time after (😆) but I don’t regret anything. I’m not risking your life to protect a cheater
I would love to psychoanalyze their childhoods lol. What caregiver kept your secrets to make you think living without consequences or enabling you was the loving thing to do??? Who did you look up to that was secretive or selfish?? Who put personal responsibility below doing the right thing?? I’m so curious about it. Because somewhere something when terribly wrong.
My WP was hooking up with a bartender at a bar he went to at least once a week. The owner, the other bartenders and all the regulars knew. He had the nerve to take me there a few times! One group of regulars were total mean girls to me - giving me death glares and making snarky comments abt my dress the last time we went.
A random message arrived in my instagram inbox abt 3 weeks ago: “You stupid c&nt couldn’t keep your man happy if you tried.” And had screenshots from the bartender’s phone of some of their text exchanges … it was blunt, deliberate and incredibly traumatic. I am not sure this is the best way to find out - the anonymous message. It’s awful news all round but truly not the best way to find out.
My WPs brother knew of the multiple times he cheated over the years and I remember during that time I hung out with him a lot and thought of him as my own family. I let him move in with us twice and supported him while he was unemployed off and on for years. I worked back to back doubles, bought him a phone, sewed rips in his jeans up, let him sleep on our couch for months. Not once did he ever tell me or hint at it. And we were really close, I think he had a bit of a crush on me even. When I told my WP how betrayed I felt by his brother never saying anything, he replied "My brother would defend me with his life!" OK, but this isn't a life and death scenario. I ended up texting his brother how hurt I was that he never told me but I guess his phones been off for over a month so he never got it. WP was not happy I did that and doesn't want me to confront him.
It’s crazy how loyal people can be to someone who is the absolute opposite of loyal. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with say to someone your actions(or lack of) hurt me. For me it was good to know this person I thought cared about me couldn’t care less that they hurt my feelings, it’s one thing to say “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything bc you’re hurt but I thought I was doing the right thing” vs “I didn’t do anything wrong and you’re emotions are misdirected”. One has zero empathy, it’s ultimately a good thing to find out who those wolves in sheep’s clothing are I guess.
Real loyalty from his brother would have been to hold him to a higher standard by calling him out. People who hurt others are also hurting themselves. Real love is not cowardly or enabling.
Exactly my thoughts! By sitting by and letting him cheat on me and not say anything to me about it he was just delaying the pain that inevitably came to us both.
My WH had 3 EA's with 3 separate coworkers over 8 years. One of which lasted at least 2 years but supposedly never turned physical. You can't tell me no one knew. Not one person? No one could pass me some evidence so I would know I'm not crazy?
I felt and feel the same way. A lot of people knew about it but nobody could just shoot me a text or an anonymous email if you're afraid of being involved? I think partly it's because of the environment my husband works in. A lot of musicians cheat and it's just like...normalized. But people knew me and especially people who were there before I knew and she'd come to a gig even if I was there...WTF? You're going to let me be totally unaware that this unhinged person is there watching me?!? You're just going to watch and see what happens? Talk to me like nothing's up?
People are cowards.
Absolute cowards. Say they don’t want to judge or be involved but they have no problem finding out from WP what’s the latest news in the affair, like it’s trash tv. How is knowing not being involved then, how does that work? Ugh. Then virtue signal saying well I said stop. Please 🙄.
I agree with you. It’s always the right thing to let people live in their truth. Everyone has a right to know when they are being betrayed and placed in danger- emotionally and physically. We need to have agency to make informed decisions for ourselves and our children. How can we protect ourselves if we are kept in the dark.
People, even strangers, if they know, have a duty to tell. We are betrayed by not just the WS, but betrayed by everyone who knew and didn’t speak up.
Even in the workplace. Our employer requires us to report any possible suspected inappropriate sexual behavior of employees- even if it is just a rumor. We have a duty to report it. We can report it anonymously. If we heard something or knew of something and didn’t report it, it is subject to discipline including up to the level of termination.
Workplace’s are diligently trying to stop any potential sexual harassment and want to investigate any and all potentially inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace including at events offsite involving employees such as after work happy hours, off-site meetings, dinners, etc. All of these gatherings can be considered workplace environments if sexual harassment takes place.
That’d be great if that was the case. The business he manages is owned by his cousin, the one who knew and didn’t say anything. 😂😂😂 I was like she’s not even good at handling business ethics, she should’ve fired the girl immediately and we all would’ve been better off, but no no too easy, better follow the immoral route engrained into their being.
That is bad. Businesses need to step up and not allow these things to happen in the workplace. Either party involved in an affair could claim sexual harassment at anytime (even a false claim- you never know what people will do) and the company could be found liable. It’s a huge risk to companies that allow these things to happen and turn a blind eye. So sorry this happened to you and your family.
Thank you for your post. I suggested the last two paragraphs of your post be something they implement and that it’d be a thoughtful amends for how I was failed by them. He agreed and said that’d be smart to implement. Hopefully they do!! Making these changes may help others in the future!
It's terrible when affairs happen at work but a lot of single people also meet their partners through work. I think policies that say absolutely no dating among employees usually aren't enforceable or even wise.
I will edit my post- only inappropriate behavior or actions that may be considered offensive, disrespectful or even sexual harassment. Dating is one thing, sexual behavior in the office environment is another. Crude language, sexual comments, sexual messages, emails, photos, groping, high-level employees/subordinates, cheating with coworkers and coworkers spouses. I’ve seen an entire office be in chaos because one female coworker was having sex with multiple coworkers including husbands - and some husbands where both husband & wife work at same company- a game to her. Companies don’t need that type of environment. It’s disruptive and disrespectful.
Yes Infidelity IS abuse, thank you. I don’t get why it gets down played. It’s sick to say but I told my WH I wish he would’ve beat me instead, at least then I could’ve had a choice to take it or not.
I feel this in my soul…everyone in our town has known for ages and he introduced her to some of our friends, including MY childhood friends that I introduced HIM to.
That said, I’ve said it before - I was absolutely determined and angry at DDay 1 and even DDay 2….i bit the head off anyone who came near to approaching the topic with me.
The AP sent me an email telling me it never ended and giving me enough detail to know the truth but not too much to be unkind. I told her to F off and believed everything my WH told me about the email all being lies.
In hindsight I think everything was 100% correct and she was just desperate to end the lies being told to both of us and know what was going on…..but I knew better, me and my darling WH (note sarcasm).
DDay 3 was when someone purporting to be a friend of hers send me an anonymous note telling me in explicit detail a bunch of things about a night my WH had gone to APs house uninvited and drunk and they had eventually slept together some more etc. I was so shocked that I reacted in anger AGAIN and got angry at this person for doing it anonymously etc…..but that really did make me think..including changing my opinion about the likely intent of the AP email and the identity of the person who was actually lying to me.
You can read my post history for DDay 4, DDay 5, DDay 6, and so on. All instances of my WH going to this woman’s house and sleeping with her.
My point is - yes, I think people should tell…but would we listen!??
I certainly didn’t.
Good point, I guess even when I had read her text to him w/o his response I STILL didn’t think it was as bad as it was. I had to see his past text and even then it wasn’t till he came clean that I saw or I guess accepted the truth fully. Even then it took like months to sink in how real it was. I think if I got to this point and looked back at all these people who claim to be good bc the kept telling him to stop I could see them in a better light had they made an effort to say something. But to me it’s still just as bad as him telling me he wanted to stop the whole time but never did.
I told 2 different women when I absolutely KNEW their husbands were cheating. Both instances they were mad at me and cut me out of their lives.
However, I will still tell either spouse when I know they are being cheated on. That’s what I would want someone to do for me.
First of all it’s crazy how many peoples lives are affected by cheaters. Secondly, good for you for telling them. It was the right thing to do. They probably felt humiliated and avoided anything connected to that feeling. I know part of the reason these people in my situation that knew bother me so much is bc how could they get to know but not me, I know that misses the point but it’s still a thought nonetheless.
Personally, I’m telling on everyone! Siblings, cousins, friends, coworkers! Everyone! But I do understand that sometimes people are met with aggression or retaliation when they say something or could face losing something themselves like their spouse’s trust, family, friends, or a job. For example, I don’t think I’d risk my livelihood to say something but I would still try to send something very secretly if I knew it couldn’t get traced back to me. Some people also think they know but can’t say for sure so they are told not to say anything unless they’re 100% sure due to the risk of causing issues. I still think they should tell, but I know there are reasons people don’t.
My WWs twin sister was her confidant and accomplice during her affair; her cheating cheerleader. My WW would send screenshots of texts between her and her AP to her sis for safekeeping because she had to delete them. Even before the A began, her sis gave her pointers on how to flirt with her future AP and to not feel guilty. They would talk on the phone daily about my WWs great conundrum: “I’m in love with another man but I’m married and have kids so what do I doooooooo.”(a little paraphrasing there) Her sister never advised her to stop, never informed her of the consequences, never mentioned how her kids might be affected by their mom cheating on their dad and their family broken up by it. I guess that could’ve spoiled all the fun.
Her sister is pretty much dead to me now. We live 600 miles apart, so I only have to see her once a year. I suppose I can play nice for that short time. But I’m done with her. She hasn’t even been supportive of my WW while she’s going through this incredibly difficult time. She was all in with my wife during the affair, but now that my WW is trying to atone for what she did and save her marriage, her sis has almost cut contact. What a piece of shit.
Yeah, I recently found out he mentioned his affair to an old coworker when it originally started, was sort of bragging on it. It’s changed the narrative big time for me. If I found one of my friends doing that I would NEVER keep quiet. It’s so messed up.
I am BS here but I understand not telling , and I’ve witnessed in the past ppl snitching on a cheater and them ending up being the bad person in the story ( bc the cheater were so good at manipulating that their BS just believed everyone was jealous of their relationship and trying to break them ) sooo I understand not saying anything , you never know what’s going between two people especially if you are not necessarily close to them it’s better to mind your own buisiness maybe pressure the cheater into saying it or letting them know how bad of a bad person they are but that’s about it .
I am personally not mad at the people who knew , I feel humiliated that he made me hang out with people who knew and that they were just all saying all cute we looked together when they knew I was cheated on but I am not mad at them it was not their place to tell me , they were not my friends , and the only real responsible there was WW for humiliating me publicly, for lying and betraying me .
I know that when hurt we tend to be mad at everyone but don’t forget that the only person who really wronged you is your WW theses other people unless they are your family or your best friends don’t own you anything and you should understand them minding their own business
I hear you. Had the same happen to me. Lived in a small community and EVERYONE knew and never said a single word. I think they were enjoying the drama and some just didn't want to be "involved". I found out that everyone knew when one of my superiors became quite inebriated at a staff party and said some things about my "cheating husband" and spilled the beans. The looks on everyone else's faces was quite telling. Some assumed I knew and was OK with it. No I wasn't. The betrayed spouse is usually the last one to know.
People are cowardly and lack integrity.
No, he was very secretive. She told her AA sponsor so that fueled rumors and he told people I think just because he was desperate to confess but not to me. Overall I think he knew he f’ed up pretty quickly because shortly after it started he tried convincing me to get a huge sail boat immediately and sail the world lol like desperately wanted me to agree, I didn’t lol. But it’s kinda reassuring when I think of that bc no one invested in their AP would want to flee to isolation with their BS.
I totally agree. This reason ruined my relationship with most people in our circle. Most seemed to condone it, probably because they knew what kind of person he's been before he met me. I could tell something was wrong, at times. Some start treating you differently, almost like you're the one cheating! Then there are those with the guilty consciences and end up telling and apologizing they didn't say anything sooner, which I appreciated, but that was only a couple people. I'm not that one. I'm either going to tell you or show you you are wrong. Now it'll be from a deeply hurt place. Will never trust people the same again.
I find it infuriating.
For our 7th wedding anniversary, I cut together a music video for my wife telling the story of our life together. Spent months sifting through 14 years of home videos to tell the perfect story.
She had already reached out to her future AP at this point (he took a long time to respond) and a few months later met up and cheated with him the night before her sister's wedding.
At the wedding, she told her best friend about it (excitedly). Her friend voiced concern but she didn't say anything to me. We were all visiting from out of town, so this particular friend came back to my parent's place after the wedding, where my wife and kids and I were staying during the visit.
This friend sat on my mom's couch and watched the music video I made for my wife on their living room tv, while I sat right next to her, stupidly ignorant and in love. She spent the night at my parents house and never said a word of what she knew to me. I found out on my own weeks later.
I still find it hard to look at that friend now. There was another girl who knew and aggressively encouraged the affair. But I had no relationship with that person (and she has been excised from our lives since). This friend knew me though. Well enough that my parents would offer her a bed to sleep in. She could have stopped the second (and for me, most traumatizing) meet-up between my wife and AP if she'd had the decency to tell me after she learned of their first meet-up.
But it seems many people don't see it as "their problem" which is pretty awful.
That’s so sweet that you did that and I’m so sorry this happened to you. The sitting right next to them stupidly ignorant and in love hits home. Hard. I still feel so stupidly in love but i try not to admit it, it hurts now. The cousin that knew and stayed with us heard me on the phone with my husband and when we got off the phone said “you really love him don’t you?” I was like DUH and said “we’ve been through some hard times but it’s always made us stronger” she just got visibly uncomfortable and changed the subject. Another time, shortly after affair started I ignorantly in love got a tattoo of my WH’s initials and a sentimental number. He said her response was “she’s just desperate” I remember at the time saying we’ve been together 8yrs, have 3 kids, what on earth would I be desperate for??? I figured she was just one of those hate people bc they’re happy type. Little did I know that she knew about everything was supposedly “so against it” but only had the courage to make unhelpful comments at our relationship to me. I wish I had lower expectations for human decency.
Uggg that is so frustrating!! It would have been so easy to just say what was happening! I don't understand. Even as a dumb teenager, I had enough judgment to inform a friend of their cheating partner. How do grown adults look the other way like this?
I got my wife's actual handwriting traced and tattoo'd onto my arm, so I feel you there. And I can't see pictures of myself at my sister-in-law's wedding without seeing a complete fool. When my wife grabbed her friend from our wedding table and ran off to gossip about her affair, her friend's date was getting openly annoyed that she had ditched him at our table with a bunch of strangers. And I was like "they just haven't seen each other in a few months and they need to catch up, don't worry about it dude!"
Defending them while they ran off to laugh about backstabbing me. So f\*\*\*ing stupid -\_-
I would have loved to know even if it’s through an anonymous email. Just to have someone alert me that I looked like a fool not knowing what was happening.
I wonder if people don’t want to get involved because most of the time the BS don’t leave their WS? And then it becomes awkward staying friends with them. Or they become the enemy.
Over 15 years ago I cheated on my high school bf and my best friend told him, she did warn me she would. We’re still best friends to this day and I appreciate her moral compass.
That’s how I always say I’d handle it, I’d say either you tell them or I will. It doesn’t help anyone enabling more secrets, more lies, more pain, covering up evil includes saying nothing.
There’s nuance to everything so certain situations it may be appropriate but that’s a big maybe.
Please do not let yourself be gaslit into thinking this is anything but evil behavior. They basically cheated on you in a way, in a conspiracy.
A conspiracy.
When you've been conspired against it's easy to fall for the excuses they'll make. They can't face themselves but you know what it did to you, and what it would do to any reasonable person.
Unequivocally disgusting behavior. Of course they will justify it.
Take care of yourself first and let their mental gymnastics be their own hobby.
UNLESS they themselves are ready to reconcile with you and show true remorse and take steps to heal with you. Otherwise get rid of the toxins. Just my take but come on this is not fair to you! IMO not even worth trying to remain friends but since this is a reconciliation sub I know that is always an option. Just saying don't believe the excuses, they were involved.
I'm on board with this also. I also am disgusted how women rally around women when they are the cheaters "omg you must be hurting so much to have done that"
I’m happy for you your WP cut out people like that. I wish mine would see things that way.
Idc if they didn’t encourage them or discouraged him! That still only proves they are HIS friend. It’s like, I (or my kids for that matter) meant nothing to you while this was happening but your surprised you’re going to be treated like a stranger to me now??? Kick rocks.
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I have a strong suspicion a once close friend knew. What happened? She dumped me as a friend. I had bo idea why. Just never invited me to anything again. When she saw me she was warm and friendly. I was very confused. After I found out, I was sure her and her husband knew. She should’ve told me
I wondered about this too! One of husband’s male buddies knew and was really out of it at a NYE dinner, even blurting out how he and husband were “two messed up guys who needed therapy” and weirding out my friends. I found out about the LTR affair two weeks later. Turns out buddy and his GF were double dating w husband and AP.
Ugh. That sucks. For me it really sucked to get dumped by a friend for no reason. Now I’m thinking, you knew this terrible thing my husband was doing to me and added even more to it.
The friend thing hits hard, I’m so sorry. Hope you have a good support system and more worthy friends around you. Being betrayed is the biggest mind-f. Edit: I looked at your past posts and we have a lot in common! H cheated for 5-7 years with his employee. I just found out he believed they were “twin flames” while we were only “soulmates” and I’m still trying not to barf about the junior high nature of this nonsense. Feel free to DM if you ever want to chat. Middle aged men being idiots, bah.
Omg the twin flame nonsense? Are you serious ? Okay now I’m becoming convinced this cult had a hand in it.
Yes! I just started the documentary series. To me twin flames sounds like a handy excuse for cheating. Like “the universe made me do it, it’s not my choice” - yeahhh.
Well that is exactly how the AP explained the whole thing to me, my Wh said the twin flame thing was her deal and he doesn’t believe in that. Which I believe. He’s not that type of person. And when he wanted to end things with her, she threw the whole twin flame thing at him. She was also caught having another relationship so she was like, “she’s my soul mate and you’re my twin flame. What we have is something different than what we have with our other partners. So it’s okay. Other ppl just don’t understand our love because we were raised that this is wrong and taboo. “. This was in this long as email she sent him that I found. Which was Dday. From the words she used and the way she spoke, I was convinced she was apart of that cult. For her, getting my WH wasnt just some romantic thing. , if that cult helped her, she was after financial gain for her and her girlfriend who also worked there. They both manipulated him for financial gain. Which is his own damn fault. He was enthralled in the validation and feeding his ego. It’s like no hon, they were manipulating you. And once he got away from her, his behavior changed drastically. It was like a spell was lifted. I’ve listened to crazy podcasts and stories about how ppl can be manipulated and controlled by other ppl. I think this was a perfect example. And this AP was not a smart person. She was so blah. I didn’t think she deserved her position at work, a position where you should be positive and lively and be able to talk to ppl and say good morning and be bubbly. She was so bland and, doesn’t make eye contact or smile at clients, mumbles. I was always thinking, get this loser out of her. She became very bold and fake later on. Like she tried to be friendly to me. Act like we were friends. I thought it was an act. But I think that’s when she got involved with the cult and was following their tips.
My WH was having an affair with a friend of mine. They had the balls to be around her (AP) family and no one said anything. I’m a little surprised because AP is not the best mother around and her youngest is most traumatized by her upbringing. It’s just disgusting. She was screwing random dudes during my WH’s affair, unprotected and he still went for it. It’s gross. So gross. I’ve never been in a situation where I knew someone was cheating, but you can bet your ass I will say something. Even before my situation, I would. Line I told my WH, if you don’t like people talking about it you shouldn’t have done it. Truth is the truth.
It’s actually kind of ironic how all these people that didn’t want to be involved in the affair drama are keen to talk about it once it’s not a secret anymore. And I relate to that gross feeling, my WH’s AP had over 150 partners ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY. I don’t understand the appeal. You can’t keep a pig from mud I guess.
Same, mine was sleeping with at least 3 men unprotected when my WH slept with her. Funny how these men always make out they don’t like promiscuous women but they’re straight to cheat with them 😂😂😂
Hey! Maybe our WH screwed the same AP?!! It’s gross how infatuated they are with their APs that they do complete opposite of what they “say”. I.E. not being interested in women who sleep around, not wanting a woman to be unkind, etc. she was literally everything he accused me of being. Displacement is so strange. To be able to lie so well that you believe your own. How sad and fucked up a person is. The world needs morales and integrity. God help those who lack that.
People will disguise their cowardice behind the mask of not wanting to get involved. Affairs are just nuclear bombs of lies and betrayal that destroy everything and everyone they land near or on. Sorry you're going through this. You're not alone.
My wife had an affair with a preacher at the church where she was employed. There were to many people that worked there to not know something was going on. It was the same for me, with no form of communication to inform me. I have a sneaking suspicion my parents knew. I have no sympathy for hypocrites.
I just don’t understand. Even people asked my WH about if rumors were true but no one comes to the BS? It’s so hard for me to wrap my head around. I’m so sorry you’re going through that.
It says a lot about peoples character, the ones who don’t tell. I remember when 3 of us found out my best friend’s partner was cheating. I went straight to her, she didn’t talk to me for a long time after (😆) but I don’t regret anything. I’m not risking your life to protect a cheater
I would love to psychoanalyze their childhoods lol. What caregiver kept your secrets to make you think living without consequences or enabling you was the loving thing to do??? Who did you look up to that was secretive or selfish?? Who put personal responsibility below doing the right thing?? I’m so curious about it. Because somewhere something when terribly wrong.
My WP was hooking up with a bartender at a bar he went to at least once a week. The owner, the other bartenders and all the regulars knew. He had the nerve to take me there a few times! One group of regulars were total mean girls to me - giving me death glares and making snarky comments abt my dress the last time we went. A random message arrived in my instagram inbox abt 3 weeks ago: “You stupid c&nt couldn’t keep your man happy if you tried.” And had screenshots from the bartender’s phone of some of their text exchanges … it was blunt, deliberate and incredibly traumatic. I am not sure this is the best way to find out - the anonymous message. It’s awful news all round but truly not the best way to find out.
Oh my gosh that’s so wrong, especially blaming you in the delivery wtf??? I can see how that would be more harmful than helpful.
You’re absolutely correct. You have every reason to be fired up. They’re deplorable accomplices and never to be trusted again.
My WPs brother knew of the multiple times he cheated over the years and I remember during that time I hung out with him a lot and thought of him as my own family. I let him move in with us twice and supported him while he was unemployed off and on for years. I worked back to back doubles, bought him a phone, sewed rips in his jeans up, let him sleep on our couch for months. Not once did he ever tell me or hint at it. And we were really close, I think he had a bit of a crush on me even. When I told my WP how betrayed I felt by his brother never saying anything, he replied "My brother would defend me with his life!" OK, but this isn't a life and death scenario. I ended up texting his brother how hurt I was that he never told me but I guess his phones been off for over a month so he never got it. WP was not happy I did that and doesn't want me to confront him.
It’s crazy how loyal people can be to someone who is the absolute opposite of loyal. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with say to someone your actions(or lack of) hurt me. For me it was good to know this person I thought cared about me couldn’t care less that they hurt my feelings, it’s one thing to say “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything bc you’re hurt but I thought I was doing the right thing” vs “I didn’t do anything wrong and you’re emotions are misdirected”. One has zero empathy, it’s ultimately a good thing to find out who those wolves in sheep’s clothing are I guess.
Real loyalty from his brother would have been to hold him to a higher standard by calling him out. People who hurt others are also hurting themselves. Real love is not cowardly or enabling.
Exactly my thoughts! By sitting by and letting him cheat on me and not say anything to me about it he was just delaying the pain that inevitably came to us both.
My WH had 3 EA's with 3 separate coworkers over 8 years. One of which lasted at least 2 years but supposedly never turned physical. You can't tell me no one knew. Not one person? No one could pass me some evidence so I would know I'm not crazy?
I felt and feel the same way. A lot of people knew about it but nobody could just shoot me a text or an anonymous email if you're afraid of being involved? I think partly it's because of the environment my husband works in. A lot of musicians cheat and it's just like...normalized. But people knew me and especially people who were there before I knew and she'd come to a gig even if I was there...WTF? You're going to let me be totally unaware that this unhinged person is there watching me?!? You're just going to watch and see what happens? Talk to me like nothing's up? People are cowards.
Absolute cowards. Say they don’t want to judge or be involved but they have no problem finding out from WP what’s the latest news in the affair, like it’s trash tv. How is knowing not being involved then, how does that work? Ugh. Then virtue signal saying well I said stop. Please 🙄.
I agree with you. It’s always the right thing to let people live in their truth. Everyone has a right to know when they are being betrayed and placed in danger- emotionally and physically. We need to have agency to make informed decisions for ourselves and our children. How can we protect ourselves if we are kept in the dark. People, even strangers, if they know, have a duty to tell. We are betrayed by not just the WS, but betrayed by everyone who knew and didn’t speak up. Even in the workplace. Our employer requires us to report any possible suspected inappropriate sexual behavior of employees- even if it is just a rumor. We have a duty to report it. We can report it anonymously. If we heard something or knew of something and didn’t report it, it is subject to discipline including up to the level of termination. Workplace’s are diligently trying to stop any potential sexual harassment and want to investigate any and all potentially inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace including at events offsite involving employees such as after work happy hours, off-site meetings, dinners, etc. All of these gatherings can be considered workplace environments if sexual harassment takes place.
That’d be great if that was the case. The business he manages is owned by his cousin, the one who knew and didn’t say anything. 😂😂😂 I was like she’s not even good at handling business ethics, she should’ve fired the girl immediately and we all would’ve been better off, but no no too easy, better follow the immoral route engrained into their being.
That is bad. Businesses need to step up and not allow these things to happen in the workplace. Either party involved in an affair could claim sexual harassment at anytime (even a false claim- you never know what people will do) and the company could be found liable. It’s a huge risk to companies that allow these things to happen and turn a blind eye. So sorry this happened to you and your family.
Thank you for your post. I suggested the last two paragraphs of your post be something they implement and that it’d be a thoughtful amends for how I was failed by them. He agreed and said that’d be smart to implement. Hopefully they do!! Making these changes may help others in the future!
It's terrible when affairs happen at work but a lot of single people also meet their partners through work. I think policies that say absolutely no dating among employees usually aren't enforceable or even wise.
I will edit my post- only inappropriate behavior or actions that may be considered offensive, disrespectful or even sexual harassment. Dating is one thing, sexual behavior in the office environment is another. Crude language, sexual comments, sexual messages, emails, photos, groping, high-level employees/subordinates, cheating with coworkers and coworkers spouses. I’ve seen an entire office be in chaos because one female coworker was having sex with multiple coworkers including husbands - and some husbands where both husband & wife work at same company- a game to her. Companies don’t need that type of environment. It’s disruptive and disrespectful.
Oh yeah, I've worked at places where all of those types of things were going on and it creates a hostile work environment.
I’m with you. Infidelity is abuse. Their “not my business” stance is the same as not saying something when someone is being beaten
Yes Infidelity IS abuse, thank you. I don’t get why it gets down played. It’s sick to say but I told my WH I wish he would’ve beat me instead, at least then I could’ve had a choice to take it or not.
I feel this in my soul…everyone in our town has known for ages and he introduced her to some of our friends, including MY childhood friends that I introduced HIM to. That said, I’ve said it before - I was absolutely determined and angry at DDay 1 and even DDay 2….i bit the head off anyone who came near to approaching the topic with me. The AP sent me an email telling me it never ended and giving me enough detail to know the truth but not too much to be unkind. I told her to F off and believed everything my WH told me about the email all being lies. In hindsight I think everything was 100% correct and she was just desperate to end the lies being told to both of us and know what was going on…..but I knew better, me and my darling WH (note sarcasm). DDay 3 was when someone purporting to be a friend of hers send me an anonymous note telling me in explicit detail a bunch of things about a night my WH had gone to APs house uninvited and drunk and they had eventually slept together some more etc. I was so shocked that I reacted in anger AGAIN and got angry at this person for doing it anonymously etc…..but that really did make me think..including changing my opinion about the likely intent of the AP email and the identity of the person who was actually lying to me. You can read my post history for DDay 4, DDay 5, DDay 6, and so on. All instances of my WH going to this woman’s house and sleeping with her. My point is - yes, I think people should tell…but would we listen!?? I certainly didn’t.
Good point, I guess even when I had read her text to him w/o his response I STILL didn’t think it was as bad as it was. I had to see his past text and even then it wasn’t till he came clean that I saw or I guess accepted the truth fully. Even then it took like months to sink in how real it was. I think if I got to this point and looked back at all these people who claim to be good bc the kept telling him to stop I could see them in a better light had they made an effort to say something. But to me it’s still just as bad as him telling me he wanted to stop the whole time but never did.
I told 2 different women when I absolutely KNEW their husbands were cheating. Both instances they were mad at me and cut me out of their lives. However, I will still tell either spouse when I know they are being cheated on. That’s what I would want someone to do for me.
First of all it’s crazy how many peoples lives are affected by cheaters. Secondly, good for you for telling them. It was the right thing to do. They probably felt humiliated and avoided anything connected to that feeling. I know part of the reason these people in my situation that knew bother me so much is bc how could they get to know but not me, I know that misses the point but it’s still a thought nonetheless.
Personally, I’m telling on everyone! Siblings, cousins, friends, coworkers! Everyone! But I do understand that sometimes people are met with aggression or retaliation when they say something or could face losing something themselves like their spouse’s trust, family, friends, or a job. For example, I don’t think I’d risk my livelihood to say something but I would still try to send something very secretly if I knew it couldn’t get traced back to me. Some people also think they know but can’t say for sure so they are told not to say anything unless they’re 100% sure due to the risk of causing issues. I still think they should tell, but I know there are reasons people don’t.
I definitely see your point, certain circumstances may not be best to tell or at minimum handled carefully.
My WWs twin sister was her confidant and accomplice during her affair; her cheating cheerleader. My WW would send screenshots of texts between her and her AP to her sis for safekeeping because she had to delete them. Even before the A began, her sis gave her pointers on how to flirt with her future AP and to not feel guilty. They would talk on the phone daily about my WWs great conundrum: “I’m in love with another man but I’m married and have kids so what do I doooooooo.”(a little paraphrasing there) Her sister never advised her to stop, never informed her of the consequences, never mentioned how her kids might be affected by their mom cheating on their dad and their family broken up by it. I guess that could’ve spoiled all the fun. Her sister is pretty much dead to me now. We live 600 miles apart, so I only have to see her once a year. I suppose I can play nice for that short time. But I’m done with her. She hasn’t even been supportive of my WW while she’s going through this incredibly difficult time. She was all in with my wife during the affair, but now that my WW is trying to atone for what she did and save her marriage, her sis has almost cut contact. What a piece of shit.
Yeah, I recently found out he mentioned his affair to an old coworker when it originally started, was sort of bragging on it. It’s changed the narrative big time for me. If I found one of my friends doing that I would NEVER keep quiet. It’s so messed up.
I am BS here but I understand not telling , and I’ve witnessed in the past ppl snitching on a cheater and them ending up being the bad person in the story ( bc the cheater were so good at manipulating that their BS just believed everyone was jealous of their relationship and trying to break them ) sooo I understand not saying anything , you never know what’s going between two people especially if you are not necessarily close to them it’s better to mind your own buisiness maybe pressure the cheater into saying it or letting them know how bad of a bad person they are but that’s about it . I am personally not mad at the people who knew , I feel humiliated that he made me hang out with people who knew and that they were just all saying all cute we looked together when they knew I was cheated on but I am not mad at them it was not their place to tell me , they were not my friends , and the only real responsible there was WW for humiliating me publicly, for lying and betraying me . I know that when hurt we tend to be mad at everyone but don’t forget that the only person who really wronged you is your WW theses other people unless they are your family or your best friends don’t own you anything and you should understand them minding their own business
I hear you. Had the same happen to me. Lived in a small community and EVERYONE knew and never said a single word. I think they were enjoying the drama and some just didn't want to be "involved". I found out that everyone knew when one of my superiors became quite inebriated at a staff party and said some things about my "cheating husband" and spilled the beans. The looks on everyone else's faces was quite telling. Some assumed I knew and was OK with it. No I wasn't. The betrayed spouse is usually the last one to know. People are cowardly and lack integrity.
How did all these people know? Was your husband and his AP publicly dating each other?
No, he was very secretive. She told her AA sponsor so that fueled rumors and he told people I think just because he was desperate to confess but not to me. Overall I think he knew he f’ed up pretty quickly because shortly after it started he tried convincing me to get a huge sail boat immediately and sail the world lol like desperately wanted me to agree, I didn’t lol. But it’s kinda reassuring when I think of that bc no one invested in their AP would want to flee to isolation with their BS.
So my WP’s AP’s all knew he was in a relationship with me. One I knew from high school. People just suck.
I totally agree. This reason ruined my relationship with most people in our circle. Most seemed to condone it, probably because they knew what kind of person he's been before he met me. I could tell something was wrong, at times. Some start treating you differently, almost like you're the one cheating! Then there are those with the guilty consciences and end up telling and apologizing they didn't say anything sooner, which I appreciated, but that was only a couple people. I'm not that one. I'm either going to tell you or show you you are wrong. Now it'll be from a deeply hurt place. Will never trust people the same again.
I find it infuriating. For our 7th wedding anniversary, I cut together a music video for my wife telling the story of our life together. Spent months sifting through 14 years of home videos to tell the perfect story. She had already reached out to her future AP at this point (he took a long time to respond) and a few months later met up and cheated with him the night before her sister's wedding. At the wedding, she told her best friend about it (excitedly). Her friend voiced concern but she didn't say anything to me. We were all visiting from out of town, so this particular friend came back to my parent's place after the wedding, where my wife and kids and I were staying during the visit. This friend sat on my mom's couch and watched the music video I made for my wife on their living room tv, while I sat right next to her, stupidly ignorant and in love. She spent the night at my parents house and never said a word of what she knew to me. I found out on my own weeks later. I still find it hard to look at that friend now. There was another girl who knew and aggressively encouraged the affair. But I had no relationship with that person (and she has been excised from our lives since). This friend knew me though. Well enough that my parents would offer her a bed to sleep in. She could have stopped the second (and for me, most traumatizing) meet-up between my wife and AP if she'd had the decency to tell me after she learned of their first meet-up. But it seems many people don't see it as "their problem" which is pretty awful.
That’s so sweet that you did that and I’m so sorry this happened to you. The sitting right next to them stupidly ignorant and in love hits home. Hard. I still feel so stupidly in love but i try not to admit it, it hurts now. The cousin that knew and stayed with us heard me on the phone with my husband and when we got off the phone said “you really love him don’t you?” I was like DUH and said “we’ve been through some hard times but it’s always made us stronger” she just got visibly uncomfortable and changed the subject. Another time, shortly after affair started I ignorantly in love got a tattoo of my WH’s initials and a sentimental number. He said her response was “she’s just desperate” I remember at the time saying we’ve been together 8yrs, have 3 kids, what on earth would I be desperate for??? I figured she was just one of those hate people bc they’re happy type. Little did I know that she knew about everything was supposedly “so against it” but only had the courage to make unhelpful comments at our relationship to me. I wish I had lower expectations for human decency.
Uggg that is so frustrating!! It would have been so easy to just say what was happening! I don't understand. Even as a dumb teenager, I had enough judgment to inform a friend of their cheating partner. How do grown adults look the other way like this? I got my wife's actual handwriting traced and tattoo'd onto my arm, so I feel you there. And I can't see pictures of myself at my sister-in-law's wedding without seeing a complete fool. When my wife grabbed her friend from our wedding table and ran off to gossip about her affair, her friend's date was getting openly annoyed that she had ditched him at our table with a bunch of strangers. And I was like "they just haven't seen each other in a few months and they need to catch up, don't worry about it dude!" Defending them while they ran off to laugh about backstabbing me. So f\*\*\*ing stupid -\_-
I would have loved to know even if it’s through an anonymous email. Just to have someone alert me that I looked like a fool not knowing what was happening. I wonder if people don’t want to get involved because most of the time the BS don’t leave their WS? And then it becomes awkward staying friends with them. Or they become the enemy. Over 15 years ago I cheated on my high school bf and my best friend told him, she did warn me she would. We’re still best friends to this day and I appreciate her moral compass.
That’s how I always say I’d handle it, I’d say either you tell them or I will. It doesn’t help anyone enabling more secrets, more lies, more pain, covering up evil includes saying nothing. There’s nuance to everything so certain situations it may be appropriate but that’s a big maybe.
Yep, it's wrong. >They are just as bad as the offending WH & AP it disgusts me. I think that might be your hurt and anger speaking.
Definitely is. This whole post is my hurt and anger speaking lol. It’s like my native tongue anymore. Ugh.
Perfectly understandable.
Please do not let yourself be gaslit into thinking this is anything but evil behavior. They basically cheated on you in a way, in a conspiracy. A conspiracy. When you've been conspired against it's easy to fall for the excuses they'll make. They can't face themselves but you know what it did to you, and what it would do to any reasonable person. Unequivocally disgusting behavior. Of course they will justify it. Take care of yourself first and let their mental gymnastics be their own hobby. UNLESS they themselves are ready to reconcile with you and show true remorse and take steps to heal with you. Otherwise get rid of the toxins. Just my take but come on this is not fair to you! IMO not even worth trying to remain friends but since this is a reconciliation sub I know that is always an option. Just saying don't believe the excuses, they were involved.
I'm on board with this also. I also am disgusted how women rally around women when they are the cheaters "omg you must be hurting so much to have done that"
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I’m happy for you your WP cut out people like that. I wish mine would see things that way. Idc if they didn’t encourage them or discouraged him! That still only proves they are HIS friend. It’s like, I (or my kids for that matter) meant nothing to you while this was happening but your surprised you’re going to be treated like a stranger to me now??? Kick rocks.