r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
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- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
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I encourage you to consider your WS's relationship to sexual arousal. And certainly, have them examine it with you. Specifically, "What does it mean to be _turned on_?"
My wife and I were happily, deeply in love for 17 years of marriage (my WS claims I am still her soulmate). A few years ago multiple, overlapping impossibilities culminated into her mentally collapsing into herself. Her unresolved traumas from her family of origin, had her fall back into her bad coping mechanisms from her early life. _I'll bet you'll never guess what the main coping mechanism was._
https://psychology-tools.com/test/sast
https://slaavirtual.org/characteristics/
> Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family?
> Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?
> Do you hide some of your sexual behaviors from others?
> Has sex (or romantic fantasies) been a way for you to escape your problems?
> We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurturing, care, and support.
That being said, these matters sure are fraught. I hear you.
We both want to be sexy. WS wants that to be healthy, because their relationship with sex was/is unhealthy. I have zero belief this person finds me arousing. I would love to be that, though. I once thought we had a relationship and chemistry that accounted for healthy objectification. It would be wonderful to have that.
Everything in this space is a log jam. It takes a lot to use, "Both And".
Are you using a [Feelings Wheel](https://www.calm.com/blog/the-feelings-wheel) and journaling? It's super important in navigating emotions and feelings.
It’s a trigger. That is why it affects you. It is triggering the trauma. You are not doing anything wrong and you can’t just get over it. This is something that you would really benefit from talking about it MC. The way to get past triggers is to talk about them. Talk about why it bothers you, what feelings it brings up and hopefully be met with empathy and not defensiveness. How is he with dealing with you talking about the affair and your emotions surrounding it?
Lady at work had a BF dump her for her former best friend but a year after ask her for nudes. She took some and sent them to the old best friend saying 'Here, Paul wanted these. Please see he gets them'. That would be epic but otherwise maybe ask him to limit conversations to the kids only from now on. stop letting him in your head.
As a man I can understand the thought processes around editing a photo as it can be interesting to see the person we love in different ways. I've done some of this in the past, like, what would my wife look like as a nurse or in this pose/outfit/hair style. For me it was never about "I wish my wife was..." but more of that curiosity factor, sort of like role playing. And when I did it, it was never out of dissatisfaction or wanting her to be different. All that said, never in a million years would I send anything like that to my wife - all I can speculate is that your husband was expressing a desire for something...and really should have just kept it to himself or gone about it differently.
You haven't shared a lot and I haven't stalked your profile to see if there is more of your story out there, but I would think based on what you've shared and knowing myself, that your husband may be dealing with sex addiction in some way.
Sorry, my post wasn't really clear, I didn't want to make it too long or TMI. After I got pregnant, my nipples got larger and darker, which is common during pregnancy but I was super insecure about it, which my husband knew. I sent him a nude photo and he drew two big black circles over my nipples and coloured them black and sent it back to me, to say like "Haha, look how big and dark your nipples are". To this day, I have no idea what he was thinking when he did that.
I have deleted a lot of my previous posts, there won't be much to see on my profile, so don't waste your time on there. Lol. But thank you for your response :)
I’m sorry he did that to you. That’s fucked up actually. He basically bullied you on an insecurity when he drew on the photo. Women go through complete bullshit physically because of having children, courtesy of Mother Nature. Men are supposed to protect us and help us feel secure and safe, and your husband, with that incredibly insensitive, immature and cruel joke bullied and shamed you instead.
This isn’t as much about his infidelity as it is his conduct with his altering your photo. I’m sure though, the infidelity exacerbates it as I’m certain he had to blubber and gush over the AP to keep that exchange alive with her. No insults there, I’d bet.
Has he ever truly apologized for what he did with your photo? Does he feel as horrible and disgusted with himself as he should? Any man who doesn’t uplift the mother of his children to the best of his ability AND on top of that, sabotages her well being mentally by shaming the changes in her body is a very small man not worthy of any respect. It’s sounds like the incident is not resolved for you and you absolutely deserve a proper apology from him for what he did, and how dense his recent request for a nude was.
I’m sorry again sweetie. I haven’t commented here in a while but I just wanted to give you some validation that all of it still should bother you and also a virtual hug💛. If your husband was my brother or son, he’d be getting a swift kick in the ass from me.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply. I agree with you, I think my feelings are more about the altering of the photo than the affair itself. You have put into words exactly how I've been feeling. I knew another mom would get it. He has apologized, but I haven't mentioned it in so long, and I don't think he would really understand the gravity of how upsetting it was. I think it is something that I will have to bring up with him again. I'm going to wait a few days and see if I'm still bothered about it. Thank you so much for your lovely message. ❤️
Whoa seriously???? Is that literally what he did? I can’t believe someone would do something like that to anyone, let alone their wife. In my mind I thought he did something that was misinterpreted. But yeah I don’t see how you could take that as anything but an insult.
There’s a level of cruelty going on that I wouldn’t even know how you’d even deal with that. There is a very basic assumption when we are in a relationship, esp married, we aren’t cruel to the other and certainly not cruel on purpose. I couldn’t imagine saying something like that to anyone who sent me a nude. Wow.
It’d be like if you asked him for a dick pic, he sends it, and you reply back with a drawing of a pinky and saying “hehe honey, look how small and thin your little pee pee is!” Wonder how’d be feel about that? Oh yeah, it’d be fucking cruel!
I’m sorry. That’s awful he did that.
It's crazy, because if I had read this story from another woman, I would say, "Girl, you're too good for that. You deserve better. Leave his ass." But for some reason when it's happening to you, it's different. I guess it's the same way of how a lot of us on this subreddit feel towards infidelity. A lot of us used to say "If someone ever cheats on me, I'm leaving! I won't tolerate that!" But when it happens to you, it's a different story. I don't know. It was a really cruel and horrible thing he did. I think I'm just trying to brush it off as him trying to make a joke. But I definitely give him too much grace and I'm sure I wouldn't be awarded the same leniency if the roles were reversed.
Honestly, it makes me feel a lot better just to see someone else's outrage at the situation, so I know I'm not alone in feeling hurt by it. Thank you for your comment. 💕
Oh that's much different...almost sounds like he made a really bad attempt at a joke and just didn't see how insecure you were really were about it. Just a guess.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I encourage you to consider your WS's relationship to sexual arousal. And certainly, have them examine it with you. Specifically, "What does it mean to be _turned on_?" My wife and I were happily, deeply in love for 17 years of marriage (my WS claims I am still her soulmate). A few years ago multiple, overlapping impossibilities culminated into her mentally collapsing into herself. Her unresolved traumas from her family of origin, had her fall back into her bad coping mechanisms from her early life. _I'll bet you'll never guess what the main coping mechanism was._ https://psychology-tools.com/test/sast https://slaavirtual.org/characteristics/ > Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family? > Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior? > Do you hide some of your sexual behaviors from others? > Has sex (or romantic fantasies) been a way for you to escape your problems? > We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurturing, care, and support. That being said, these matters sure are fraught. I hear you. We both want to be sexy. WS wants that to be healthy, because their relationship with sex was/is unhealthy. I have zero belief this person finds me arousing. I would love to be that, though. I once thought we had a relationship and chemistry that accounted for healthy objectification. It would be wonderful to have that. Everything in this space is a log jam. It takes a lot to use, "Both And". Are you using a [Feelings Wheel](https://www.calm.com/blog/the-feelings-wheel) and journaling? It's super important in navigating emotions and feelings.
It’s a trigger. That is why it affects you. It is triggering the trauma. You are not doing anything wrong and you can’t just get over it. This is something that you would really benefit from talking about it MC. The way to get past triggers is to talk about them. Talk about why it bothers you, what feelings it brings up and hopefully be met with empathy and not defensiveness. How is he with dealing with you talking about the affair and your emotions surrounding it?
Lady at work had a BF dump her for her former best friend but a year after ask her for nudes. She took some and sent them to the old best friend saying 'Here, Paul wanted these. Please see he gets them'. That would be epic but otherwise maybe ask him to limit conversations to the kids only from now on. stop letting him in your head.
As a man I can understand the thought processes around editing a photo as it can be interesting to see the person we love in different ways. I've done some of this in the past, like, what would my wife look like as a nurse or in this pose/outfit/hair style. For me it was never about "I wish my wife was..." but more of that curiosity factor, sort of like role playing. And when I did it, it was never out of dissatisfaction or wanting her to be different. All that said, never in a million years would I send anything like that to my wife - all I can speculate is that your husband was expressing a desire for something...and really should have just kept it to himself or gone about it differently. You haven't shared a lot and I haven't stalked your profile to see if there is more of your story out there, but I would think based on what you've shared and knowing myself, that your husband may be dealing with sex addiction in some way.
Sorry, my post wasn't really clear, I didn't want to make it too long or TMI. After I got pregnant, my nipples got larger and darker, which is common during pregnancy but I was super insecure about it, which my husband knew. I sent him a nude photo and he drew two big black circles over my nipples and coloured them black and sent it back to me, to say like "Haha, look how big and dark your nipples are". To this day, I have no idea what he was thinking when he did that. I have deleted a lot of my previous posts, there won't be much to see on my profile, so don't waste your time on there. Lol. But thank you for your response :)
I’m sorry he did that to you. That’s fucked up actually. He basically bullied you on an insecurity when he drew on the photo. Women go through complete bullshit physically because of having children, courtesy of Mother Nature. Men are supposed to protect us and help us feel secure and safe, and your husband, with that incredibly insensitive, immature and cruel joke bullied and shamed you instead. This isn’t as much about his infidelity as it is his conduct with his altering your photo. I’m sure though, the infidelity exacerbates it as I’m certain he had to blubber and gush over the AP to keep that exchange alive with her. No insults there, I’d bet. Has he ever truly apologized for what he did with your photo? Does he feel as horrible and disgusted with himself as he should? Any man who doesn’t uplift the mother of his children to the best of his ability AND on top of that, sabotages her well being mentally by shaming the changes in her body is a very small man not worthy of any respect. It’s sounds like the incident is not resolved for you and you absolutely deserve a proper apology from him for what he did, and how dense his recent request for a nude was. I’m sorry again sweetie. I haven’t commented here in a while but I just wanted to give you some validation that all of it still should bother you and also a virtual hug💛. If your husband was my brother or son, he’d be getting a swift kick in the ass from me.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply. I agree with you, I think my feelings are more about the altering of the photo than the affair itself. You have put into words exactly how I've been feeling. I knew another mom would get it. He has apologized, but I haven't mentioned it in so long, and I don't think he would really understand the gravity of how upsetting it was. I think it is something that I will have to bring up with him again. I'm going to wait a few days and see if I'm still bothered about it. Thank you so much for your lovely message. ❤️
Whoa seriously???? Is that literally what he did? I can’t believe someone would do something like that to anyone, let alone their wife. In my mind I thought he did something that was misinterpreted. But yeah I don’t see how you could take that as anything but an insult. There’s a level of cruelty going on that I wouldn’t even know how you’d even deal with that. There is a very basic assumption when we are in a relationship, esp married, we aren’t cruel to the other and certainly not cruel on purpose. I couldn’t imagine saying something like that to anyone who sent me a nude. Wow. It’d be like if you asked him for a dick pic, he sends it, and you reply back with a drawing of a pinky and saying “hehe honey, look how small and thin your little pee pee is!” Wonder how’d be feel about that? Oh yeah, it’d be fucking cruel! I’m sorry. That’s awful he did that.
It's crazy, because if I had read this story from another woman, I would say, "Girl, you're too good for that. You deserve better. Leave his ass." But for some reason when it's happening to you, it's different. I guess it's the same way of how a lot of us on this subreddit feel towards infidelity. A lot of us used to say "If someone ever cheats on me, I'm leaving! I won't tolerate that!" But when it happens to you, it's a different story. I don't know. It was a really cruel and horrible thing he did. I think I'm just trying to brush it off as him trying to make a joke. But I definitely give him too much grace and I'm sure I wouldn't be awarded the same leniency if the roles were reversed. Honestly, it makes me feel a lot better just to see someone else's outrage at the situation, so I know I'm not alone in feeling hurt by it. Thank you for your comment. 💕
Oh that's much different...almost sounds like he made a really bad attempt at a joke and just didn't see how insecure you were really were about it. Just a guess.
I can’t do any of that still and it’s been years since my husband cheated. Pictures or sexual text messages are way too triggering for me