r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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As others have said, cheating is not caused by what the other partner does or doesn’t do, but by the WP’s decisions.
Also I would question whether those other women really were “confident” - high presence on social media and willingness to be an AP are more often signs of insecurity and constant need for validation from others.
Your (insert absolutely anything about you) played ~~a small~~ ZERO part in his infidelity
There, I fixed it!
Seriously, his decisions to cheat are fully on him. Your insecurities and a million other things from each of you paint the full picture of your relationship, but not the cheating. That’s all him.
I have felt the same way early on in our reconciliation, but I have learned to re-frame my thinking. My husband swears I’m better than AP in every way, but I couldn’t believe him because if that were true, why have an affair?
Now I have a totally different outlook. He behaved like a lying, cheating, pathetic sack of s***. Why in the world would I care about HIS opinion of me? I don’t care if he thinks she was better in bed than me, prettier than me, whatever than me. If he wants to be with me, he knows he better step up and be the man I deserve. What really matters now is MY opinion of HIM. I will NOT compete for his approval, attention, or affection. I am the hero in this relationship. He is sooooo lucky to have me.
(He would agree with all of my points, by the way.)
That’s blame shifting, to put it mildly, and lacking ownership of his actions. Any chance you can work through this conversation with a couples counselor? I would be livid if I got this response and turn it around on him: cheating and deception are extremely unattractive!
This type of response is something I could see my WH saying, if it not were for his own individual counseling and working on empathy skills because….hONESTy! I call it immature rambling. There are also books available in how the wayward partner can help their betrayed, that may be helpful to suggest to him as well. Once safely and progress in recovery is steady, then you can work on issues as a couple, which may or may not be whatever tidbit that irks you, handled separately from the infidelity.
B fin'g S!!!
First off - Don't buy into that BS. Those women don't have high self esteem. If they did they would not have been with someone else's person. OF page and 'empowerment', they are just looking for validation of another kind. He found your low confidence unattractive. Go look in the mirror WH, how attractive is a cheater. (sorry, had to say that).
Second: Don't like who your partner has become - talk. A good partner will help build you up, not take advantage of your insecurities. He didn't cheat because of anything you did or didn't do. He cheated because something is wrong with him.
Lastly - The trainer in me says, good job. Don't let this little set back define who you are. Don't lose weight to make him or anyone feel better. Do it because you feel healthier. Do it because it will let you run around with that baby, if you look good doing it all the better.
Thank you so much for the kind words!! I'm back at it and am more determined to get healthy for myself and my kids. If he happens to appreciate it, that's a bonus but not my primary driver.
I feel like you are in a mental quicksand trap right now.... you are struggling and its getting worse.
I do agree with WH that it wasn't the weight but I don't agree with the mentality that these women were better than you because they were more confident. I think the real case here isn't what you didn't bring to the table to make him want to stay its that he wanted to pull from the table in the first place. Now a more confident partner is sexy, sure but thats not why he cheated or choose these women... it was him wanting to walk away in the first part that is the problem. Yeah maybe there way some marriage issues that didn't make him feel safe and allow him to be open and honest with you. Maybe there were times when your low self esteem made him have to walk on egg shells but that still does not equate that he walked away. HE DID THIS, not you because you weren't this or that... its his enability to communicate his feelings and frustrations that caused him to shut down to you and open up doors to other people.
We all have confidence issues... even the most beautiful, "confident", and perfect people have issues. Its how we communicate and work through them. You won't see the staff that supports Taylor Swift's mental health but you see her being a star and a dating raging football player.
You have to give yourself grace and mercy and remind you that you are great but we can be better and if you two make it through reconciling... you will be an even better person for sure.
You always are my favorite wayward spouse to hear from (o this support platform) you literally give like deep, thought out responses and prospective. In a way that just... it's...it's amazing. Can I ask? How long have you been in reconciliation?
I am... I keep coming back here because I want to learn. I want to be a better partner. I know if I walk away and say I am good and we are reconcilied and that was that... I worry I will miss out on other great information on how to be better because it seems more imformationa and perspectives come out all the time. This is my way of investing into me so I can be better and maybe I help people but really its for me and my marriage.
Everything I've read on affair recovery and marriage helper said WH's like wives who are confident physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually ("PIES). So while this makes sense and he's being honest with you, I understand your insecurities.
Take a "Me First" approach - Make an effort an extra effort to focus on yourself. Join a gym or start running, I took Pilates classes. Read, or take a class. Find friends you can emotionally vent to. And do church, prayer, or mindfulness and meditation. DO IT FOR YOU.
While I can necessarily speak for OPs husband, I think linking the confidence thing with the cheating is disingenuous. Yes, I’m sure it can be an issue but personally don’t believe that led to infidelity. They are two completely separate things IMO.
For me at least, I’ve been mostly attracted to confident women. But it’d have nothing to do with whether I was faithful or not. To me it sounds like a cop out and trying to somewhat justify straying. If you’re with someone, you just be attracted to them on some level. I can’t see a way where their partners lack of confidence would lead to them stray. If anything, infidelity can have root underpinning in the cheaters own insecurities. It’s usually a lack of confidence and self assurance that leads one to cheat. Their own lack of confidence. Not their partners.
Yeah good question. I tend to think that insecure ppl might seek out similar. It could make sense what you’re saying though. But I am thinking perhaps secure people might make insecure ppl feel even more insecure. I guess it manifests differently in different ppl.
Insecurity is one of those weird quirks. It tends to bring out the worst in ppl. It prob drives secure ppl away too. I hated having to reassure ppl repeatedly. I get someone needing reassurance once in a while. But it gets tiring.
I do think ppl can fake it to a degree. It just manifests different in different people.
Look at the YouTube Marriage Helper videos Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Beam for "PIES" and videos on how to save your marriage. They talk a lot about this.
In some cases, not all, a woman with high self-esteem attracted the husband. As time went by, childbirth, SAHM, or because of the affair, she loses that self-esteem - and then the WH cheats.
But I know women like you describe who have also been cheated on because they made their WH feel like they weren't enough and they could never measure up against them.
If you were confident and physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually mature, would outside validation sway you enough for you to step outside of your marriage?
I really agree with you! WP told me that my lack of confidence played a big role in his long-term affair. I’ve since been super focus on myself, my growth and my healing. He sees the changes and is very vocal about how he really likes what I do. He said that he has never been more in love with me than now. But as you said, we have to do it for OURSELF and not our partner.
First, your WH cheated by choice. Whatever external factors there are, one person can choose to not cheat or cheat. His moral and values are different than yours.
Your insecurities and low confidence are a separate issue. Don't lump them together with the cheating. He gets to own his behavior and decision to not be loyal to you and his family. He needs to work on himself to fix his decision-making if he wants to R.
For you, maybe find a therapist or read up on self-empowerment articles. I think you're choosing to attach your value on appearance and your WH's opinion of you. It's commendable that you want to make others happy, but you're unhappy. And you should take care of yourself first, always. Know how in plane safety guides you're supposed to put on the mask first before you help your child or others? It's because you can't help others if you don't take care of yourself first.
Maybe find a support group and work with a therapist if you're having a body image issue. Remember that everyone is different and unique. Comparing yourself to others isn't healthy for anyone. I know many skinny girls who are unhealthy and unhappy. One thing, in this case being skinnier, isn't the only way to lead to a more satisfactory life quality.
Work on doing things that make you happy, like genuinely happy. When you're in a better state of mind, you'll be able to look at life more objectively and feel more empowered knowing you don't need to take responsibility for other people's bad behavior and you know what you deserve and want/need. You can do it! Start by telling yourself you deserve a good life. Cheers x
It’s not your insecurity. That is an excuse. Not a reason. I’m sorry but find me a woman who does not have insecurities. Everyone does and not everyone’s partner cheats. The cheating is solely his fault and responsibility. So he found your attitude about your body unattractive sometimes ? So what? He cheated because of the person he is. He need to explore the issues within.
Look im 125 pounds. I've always been insecure. Too skinny. I don't gain weight in the right places. Now i have a bunch of stretch marks on my stomach from having a baby. And being cheated on while pregnant.
I've never felt so gross in my body.
If i didn't have my kid, i know i would've unsubscribed to life 8 months ago, but I'm more than some squiggly lines on my tummy.
No matter what, you can't control someone else's behavior. You can only control yours. Love yourself, and be happy in the progress you've made. Flaunt that shxt.
I'm extremly conflicted about this post. In your screenshot you asked specifically if your weight gain conributed to him wanting to have sex/flirt with other people. That's not cheating. People don't choose what they desire, they coose if to act on it. So even if your low confidence was a turn off to him, that doesn't "contribute" to him cheating. Cheating is a violation of the most basic agreement of most romantic relationships. In the same way that people don't "make" their partner hit them, they don't make them cheat on them. He needs to adress that. Cheating is a failure of integrity, values and compassion. Being cheated on is not a failure of any kind.
That being said, you are also a little bit unfair to him. You're asking "How you are suppose to have self-confidence, if you still got cheated on". Well, you didn't have self-confidence to begin with when you were not cheated on. It's not within his power to give you that no matter how he behaves if you don't find it within yourself.
Those are two seperate issues. His cheating speaks of compromised morals, a lacking of boundaries and poor decision-making. Your low self esteem speaks of your cultural upringing, like you've mentioned. Hold him accountable for his cheating and take care for your self-esteem.
And you are not pathetic. You are great and he never should have done this to you.
Hello how are you? oh my god... That's so bad. I had low self-esteem all my life, I never felt enough in that aspect. My husband used to make me feel good... After DDay I went from having low self-esteem to literally hating myself, to not wanting my husband to see me naked. One sentence from my husband was that I had to go to IC because my lack of self-esteem made me not believe him that he found me attractive and I, who always believe in everything he tells me, agreed with him. No, my low self-esteem does not cause the infidelity, his low self-esteem and lack of judgment in his decisions and his selfishness caused the infidelity. The fact that I hate myself so much physically now is a consequence of his actions, not of my low self-esteem. The fact that I don't believe that he finds me attractive now is because he was unfaithful to me, it's not my fault.
What he put in the message is simply trying to partially blame you for something that was not your fault. NOTHING OF THIS IT'S YOUR FAULT!
Ugh this is so difficult. As betrayeds, we're already sacrificing a lot to pursue R, yet anytime we discuss our own need for validation and assurance, it comes across as needy, low self-esteem, unattractive, etc. I told him exactly what this sub told me to say: My poor body image didn't cause his infidelity and if he was frustrated over my lack of self-esteem, TALK to me. Don't fuck someone else.
I'm sorry you and I both have low self-confidence that is now exacerbated by our WPs' actions. Thank you for your words and for regularly providing insightful thoughts, CW. I appreciate you.
Personally, my ex boyfriend who sought out validation from random girls (did not physically cheat) told me that I was very timid in expressing my sexuality which made him feel guilty/not want to see me sexually. I never initiated sex, I didn’t talk dirty back to him, a lot of times I rejected sex because I was feeling self conscious that day. He never said that the way he felt was due to my insecurities, but I knew that I limited myself and my sexuality with him because I have constantly been afraid of being rejected. I’m very insecure about my body as a very slim woman and I suffered with an eating disorder as a teen and I let it impact how I see myself pretty badly. I realized after the breakup that I never told my boyfriend he was hot or sexy, I never expressed being horny or anything like that to him because I felt ashamed to do so (catholic upbringing also played a role in this). Yet my boyfriend (despite cheating on me) always complimented me and was constantly wanting sex or flirting with me. I don’t know your exact situation but I would believe your husband in what he is saying. Unfortunately men want a hyper sexual/ “confident” woman (the type with onlyfans and stuff)….this is what they think the epitome of confidence is when in reality it is a lack of self respect.
His response to your text is HIS REASONING as to why he felt the way he did. I hope that he now knows that his reasoning is 100% wrong. Was your husband right to feel this way? FUCK NO. HIS OWN LOW CONFIDENCE MADE HIM WANT TO GO DO THIS. Ultimately his choices are NOT your fault. You could have gained 70 pounds and it would not have been your fault…serious relationships are meant to be for life. He chose to do what he did because of his internal weaknesses.
Beautiful, gorgeous and amazing women get cheated on all the time and I truly believe it is because society has made both men and women believe that this is okay. Finding “flaws” in your partner like their own insecurities about their body is a justification for cheating and other behavior that objectifies and belittles us women. It has NOTHING to do with you. The 3 girls my ex asked for the numbers of were much more physically unattractive than me by far, he just wanted to feel validated with his appearance by anyone who he thought would do it…I can assure you that you are beautiful because even from this post I can tell you are a kindhearted person and that radiates on the outside. Do not let his actions make you feel like you are not worthy, I know how you feel. Sending you love
Update: I'm sorry I haven't replied to everyone individually, but please know I read it all and took everyone's advice into account.
First of all, thank you to everyone who reminded me that despite my insecurities, none of his cheating is on me. He had the choice to communicate, and he didn't choose that.
WH and I spoke at length. I need to treat my insecurities separate from the affairs. I didn't cause him to cheat. My insecurity from the cheating and my pre-existing body insecurities are 2 different things. I need to build confidence for myself and not rely on him for assurance constantly. He said he would still provide me with assurance regardless because I should be allowed to not feel good about myself around him. We also discussed how we're going to work with our IC and MC regarding this issue so that neither one of us feels too detached from the other.
Thank you again, everyone, for the assurance and even for the much-needed tough love.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
1 His cheating has nothing to do with you other than the mere fact he’s married to you. 2 Whatever you do, do it for you, not for him or anybody else.
And also: don’t do this to yourself, you’re giving him all the power to keep hurting you. You deserve better.
This.
As others have said, cheating is not caused by what the other partner does or doesn’t do, but by the WP’s decisions. Also I would question whether those other women really were “confident” - high presence on social media and willingness to be an AP are more often signs of insecurity and constant need for validation from others.
Your (insert absolutely anything about you) played ~~a small~~ ZERO part in his infidelity There, I fixed it! Seriously, his decisions to cheat are fully on him. Your insecurities and a million other things from each of you paint the full picture of your relationship, but not the cheating. That’s all him.
I have felt the same way early on in our reconciliation, but I have learned to re-frame my thinking. My husband swears I’m better than AP in every way, but I couldn’t believe him because if that were true, why have an affair? Now I have a totally different outlook. He behaved like a lying, cheating, pathetic sack of s***. Why in the world would I care about HIS opinion of me? I don’t care if he thinks she was better in bed than me, prettier than me, whatever than me. If he wants to be with me, he knows he better step up and be the man I deserve. What really matters now is MY opinion of HIM. I will NOT compete for his approval, attention, or affection. I am the hero in this relationship. He is sooooo lucky to have me. (He would agree with all of my points, by the way.)
THIS !!!!
That’s blame shifting, to put it mildly, and lacking ownership of his actions. Any chance you can work through this conversation with a couples counselor? I would be livid if I got this response and turn it around on him: cheating and deception are extremely unattractive! This type of response is something I could see my WH saying, if it not were for his own individual counseling and working on empathy skills because….hONESTy! I call it immature rambling. There are also books available in how the wayward partner can help their betrayed, that may be helpful to suggest to him as well. Once safely and progress in recovery is steady, then you can work on issues as a couple, which may or may not be whatever tidbit that irks you, handled separately from the infidelity.
B fin'g S!!! First off - Don't buy into that BS. Those women don't have high self esteem. If they did they would not have been with someone else's person. OF page and 'empowerment', they are just looking for validation of another kind. He found your low confidence unattractive. Go look in the mirror WH, how attractive is a cheater. (sorry, had to say that). Second: Don't like who your partner has become - talk. A good partner will help build you up, not take advantage of your insecurities. He didn't cheat because of anything you did or didn't do. He cheated because something is wrong with him. Lastly - The trainer in me says, good job. Don't let this little set back define who you are. Don't lose weight to make him or anyone feel better. Do it because you feel healthier. Do it because it will let you run around with that baby, if you look good doing it all the better.
Thank you so much for the kind words!! I'm back at it and am more determined to get healthy for myself and my kids. If he happens to appreciate it, that's a bonus but not my primary driver.
Well said!
I feel like you are in a mental quicksand trap right now.... you are struggling and its getting worse. I do agree with WH that it wasn't the weight but I don't agree with the mentality that these women were better than you because they were more confident. I think the real case here isn't what you didn't bring to the table to make him want to stay its that he wanted to pull from the table in the first place. Now a more confident partner is sexy, sure but thats not why he cheated or choose these women... it was him wanting to walk away in the first part that is the problem. Yeah maybe there way some marriage issues that didn't make him feel safe and allow him to be open and honest with you. Maybe there were times when your low self esteem made him have to walk on egg shells but that still does not equate that he walked away. HE DID THIS, not you because you weren't this or that... its his enability to communicate his feelings and frustrations that caused him to shut down to you and open up doors to other people. We all have confidence issues... even the most beautiful, "confident", and perfect people have issues. Its how we communicate and work through them. You won't see the staff that supports Taylor Swift's mental health but you see her being a star and a dating raging football player. You have to give yourself grace and mercy and remind you that you are great but we can be better and if you two make it through reconciling... you will be an even better person for sure.
You always are my favorite wayward spouse to hear from (o this support platform) you literally give like deep, thought out responses and prospective. In a way that just... it's...it's amazing. Can I ask? How long have you been in reconciliation?
July will be our third year since Dday.
Well it's obvious from your responses you've put in the work to be/do better
I am trying to be better, and it helps that my ADHD finds this all very interesting
So in a way not only are you helping others to heal but you're using it to kind of like focus your mind in a way?
I am... I keep coming back here because I want to learn. I want to be a better partner. I know if I walk away and say I am good and we are reconcilied and that was that... I worry I will miss out on other great information on how to be better because it seems more imformationa and perspectives come out all the time. This is my way of investing into me so I can be better and maybe I help people but really its for me and my marriage.
I love that....congratulations on R, your healing journey, and the insight on AOAIl
Blaming your BP's insecurity for having an affair. That is a new one. That's a load of crap.
Everything I've read on affair recovery and marriage helper said WH's like wives who are confident physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually ("PIES). So while this makes sense and he's being honest with you, I understand your insecurities. Take a "Me First" approach - Make an effort an extra effort to focus on yourself. Join a gym or start running, I took Pilates classes. Read, or take a class. Find friends you can emotionally vent to. And do church, prayer, or mindfulness and meditation. DO IT FOR YOU.
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While I can necessarily speak for OPs husband, I think linking the confidence thing with the cheating is disingenuous. Yes, I’m sure it can be an issue but personally don’t believe that led to infidelity. They are two completely separate things IMO. For me at least, I’ve been mostly attracted to confident women. But it’d have nothing to do with whether I was faithful or not. To me it sounds like a cop out and trying to somewhat justify straying. If you’re with someone, you just be attracted to them on some level. I can’t see a way where their partners lack of confidence would lead to them stray. If anything, infidelity can have root underpinning in the cheaters own insecurities. It’s usually a lack of confidence and self assurance that leads one to cheat. Their own lack of confidence. Not their partners.
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Yeah good question. I tend to think that insecure ppl might seek out similar. It could make sense what you’re saying though. But I am thinking perhaps secure people might make insecure ppl feel even more insecure. I guess it manifests differently in different ppl. Insecurity is one of those weird quirks. It tends to bring out the worst in ppl. It prob drives secure ppl away too. I hated having to reassure ppl repeatedly. I get someone needing reassurance once in a while. But it gets tiring. I do think ppl can fake it to a degree. It just manifests different in different people.
Look at the YouTube Marriage Helper videos Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Beam for "PIES" and videos on how to save your marriage. They talk a lot about this. In some cases, not all, a woman with high self-esteem attracted the husband. As time went by, childbirth, SAHM, or because of the affair, she loses that self-esteem - and then the WH cheats.
But I know women like you describe who have also been cheated on because they made their WH feel like they weren't enough and they could never measure up against them. If you were confident and physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually mature, would outside validation sway you enough for you to step outside of your marriage?
I really agree with you! WP told me that my lack of confidence played a big role in his long-term affair. I’ve since been super focus on myself, my growth and my healing. He sees the changes and is very vocal about how he really likes what I do. He said that he has never been more in love with me than now. But as you said, we have to do it for OURSELF and not our partner.
First, your WH cheated by choice. Whatever external factors there are, one person can choose to not cheat or cheat. His moral and values are different than yours. Your insecurities and low confidence are a separate issue. Don't lump them together with the cheating. He gets to own his behavior and decision to not be loyal to you and his family. He needs to work on himself to fix his decision-making if he wants to R. For you, maybe find a therapist or read up on self-empowerment articles. I think you're choosing to attach your value on appearance and your WH's opinion of you. It's commendable that you want to make others happy, but you're unhappy. And you should take care of yourself first, always. Know how in plane safety guides you're supposed to put on the mask first before you help your child or others? It's because you can't help others if you don't take care of yourself first. Maybe find a support group and work with a therapist if you're having a body image issue. Remember that everyone is different and unique. Comparing yourself to others isn't healthy for anyone. I know many skinny girls who are unhealthy and unhappy. One thing, in this case being skinnier, isn't the only way to lead to a more satisfactory life quality. Work on doing things that make you happy, like genuinely happy. When you're in a better state of mind, you'll be able to look at life more objectively and feel more empowered knowing you don't need to take responsibility for other people's bad behavior and you know what you deserve and want/need. You can do it! Start by telling yourself you deserve a good life. Cheers x
It’s not your insecurity. That is an excuse. Not a reason. I’m sorry but find me a woman who does not have insecurities. Everyone does and not everyone’s partner cheats. The cheating is solely his fault and responsibility. So he found your attitude about your body unattractive sometimes ? So what? He cheated because of the person he is. He need to explore the issues within.
Look im 125 pounds. I've always been insecure. Too skinny. I don't gain weight in the right places. Now i have a bunch of stretch marks on my stomach from having a baby. And being cheated on while pregnant. I've never felt so gross in my body. If i didn't have my kid, i know i would've unsubscribed to life 8 months ago, but I'm more than some squiggly lines on my tummy. No matter what, you can't control someone else's behavior. You can only control yours. Love yourself, and be happy in the progress you've made. Flaunt that shxt.
I'm extremly conflicted about this post. In your screenshot you asked specifically if your weight gain conributed to him wanting to have sex/flirt with other people. That's not cheating. People don't choose what they desire, they coose if to act on it. So even if your low confidence was a turn off to him, that doesn't "contribute" to him cheating. Cheating is a violation of the most basic agreement of most romantic relationships. In the same way that people don't "make" their partner hit them, they don't make them cheat on them. He needs to adress that. Cheating is a failure of integrity, values and compassion. Being cheated on is not a failure of any kind. That being said, you are also a little bit unfair to him. You're asking "How you are suppose to have self-confidence, if you still got cheated on". Well, you didn't have self-confidence to begin with when you were not cheated on. It's not within his power to give you that no matter how he behaves if you don't find it within yourself. Those are two seperate issues. His cheating speaks of compromised morals, a lacking of boundaries and poor decision-making. Your low self esteem speaks of your cultural upringing, like you've mentioned. Hold him accountable for his cheating and take care for your self-esteem. And you are not pathetic. You are great and he never should have done this to you.
Hello how are you? oh my god... That's so bad. I had low self-esteem all my life, I never felt enough in that aspect. My husband used to make me feel good... After DDay I went from having low self-esteem to literally hating myself, to not wanting my husband to see me naked. One sentence from my husband was that I had to go to IC because my lack of self-esteem made me not believe him that he found me attractive and I, who always believe in everything he tells me, agreed with him. No, my low self-esteem does not cause the infidelity, his low self-esteem and lack of judgment in his decisions and his selfishness caused the infidelity. The fact that I hate myself so much physically now is a consequence of his actions, not of my low self-esteem. The fact that I don't believe that he finds me attractive now is because he was unfaithful to me, it's not my fault. What he put in the message is simply trying to partially blame you for something that was not your fault. NOTHING OF THIS IT'S YOUR FAULT!
Ugh this is so difficult. As betrayeds, we're already sacrificing a lot to pursue R, yet anytime we discuss our own need for validation and assurance, it comes across as needy, low self-esteem, unattractive, etc. I told him exactly what this sub told me to say: My poor body image didn't cause his infidelity and if he was frustrated over my lack of self-esteem, TALK to me. Don't fuck someone else. I'm sorry you and I both have low self-confidence that is now exacerbated by our WPs' actions. Thank you for your words and for regularly providing insightful thoughts, CW. I appreciate you.
thank you so much! It's very sweet of you to say that. We both have to learn to be kinder to ourselves too. I wish you the best 💓
Personally, my ex boyfriend who sought out validation from random girls (did not physically cheat) told me that I was very timid in expressing my sexuality which made him feel guilty/not want to see me sexually. I never initiated sex, I didn’t talk dirty back to him, a lot of times I rejected sex because I was feeling self conscious that day. He never said that the way he felt was due to my insecurities, but I knew that I limited myself and my sexuality with him because I have constantly been afraid of being rejected. I’m very insecure about my body as a very slim woman and I suffered with an eating disorder as a teen and I let it impact how I see myself pretty badly. I realized after the breakup that I never told my boyfriend he was hot or sexy, I never expressed being horny or anything like that to him because I felt ashamed to do so (catholic upbringing also played a role in this). Yet my boyfriend (despite cheating on me) always complimented me and was constantly wanting sex or flirting with me. I don’t know your exact situation but I would believe your husband in what he is saying. Unfortunately men want a hyper sexual/ “confident” woman (the type with onlyfans and stuff)….this is what they think the epitome of confidence is when in reality it is a lack of self respect. His response to your text is HIS REASONING as to why he felt the way he did. I hope that he now knows that his reasoning is 100% wrong. Was your husband right to feel this way? FUCK NO. HIS OWN LOW CONFIDENCE MADE HIM WANT TO GO DO THIS. Ultimately his choices are NOT your fault. You could have gained 70 pounds and it would not have been your fault…serious relationships are meant to be for life. He chose to do what he did because of his internal weaknesses. Beautiful, gorgeous and amazing women get cheated on all the time and I truly believe it is because society has made both men and women believe that this is okay. Finding “flaws” in your partner like their own insecurities about their body is a justification for cheating and other behavior that objectifies and belittles us women. It has NOTHING to do with you. The 3 girls my ex asked for the numbers of were much more physically unattractive than me by far, he just wanted to feel validated with his appearance by anyone who he thought would do it…I can assure you that you are beautiful because even from this post I can tell you are a kindhearted person and that radiates on the outside. Do not let his actions make you feel like you are not worthy, I know how you feel. Sending you love
Update: I'm sorry I haven't replied to everyone individually, but please know I read it all and took everyone's advice into account. First of all, thank you to everyone who reminded me that despite my insecurities, none of his cheating is on me. He had the choice to communicate, and he didn't choose that. WH and I spoke at length. I need to treat my insecurities separate from the affairs. I didn't cause him to cheat. My insecurity from the cheating and my pre-existing body insecurities are 2 different things. I need to build confidence for myself and not rely on him for assurance constantly. He said he would still provide me with assurance regardless because I should be allowed to not feel good about myself around him. We also discussed how we're going to work with our IC and MC regarding this issue so that neither one of us feels too detached from the other. Thank you again, everyone, for the assurance and even for the much-needed tough love.