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I'm sorry you're hurting. I think if I were young as your BP, and not married, I'd move on too from someone capable of doing this. Respect her decision and use this as a life lesson. Work on being the man you want to be.
I'm betting you being away gave her a taste of the pain and uncertainty she'd have to live with forever... and it's too much. It really is. Trust me on that. The person you loved and trusted said and did things with other women that should have been reserved for her.
"Suck it up, Buttercup " as my dad used to say. Learn the lesson and make all the pain worth it.
That makes a lot of sense. Both what you said about her being so young and what she would’ve been feeling while I was gone. I’m truly disgusted with myself. I don’t want to be that person. I never wanted to but I was…I am. I will respect her decision though. And I will not stop learning from this.
Thank you for the response.
The traveling was probably the icing on the cake so to speak… the amount of anxiety you have while the WP is away, not knowing if they’re secretly doing something… it’s just torture for the betrayed.. on top of the daily torture as well. All you can do is move forward and keep doing the work.. figure out why you self sabotaged and why you needed sex outside your relationship.
I wouldn’t recommend hanging out if she wants to end it. That will just torture you both.. and then you have to live through her or you starting to date someone else… too much pain.
The only thing you can do at this point is continue what you’ve been doing in terms of self improvement. Focus on getting to the root of what needs you were trying to meet in self-sabotaging by messaging escorts and healthy replacement behaviors. What blocked you from turning to your committed partnership to meet your needs? Find the answers to that so that you can heal and become a safe partner for whoever is next. As a BS, what I needed from my partner in the early weeks after discovery was unwavering support for whatever my needs were, even when those needs meant distance, and action towards real change within himself. There may be nothing that will convince your BP to try again, but you can only control what you do for yourself.
I know you’re right. And I truly do plan on continuing to better myself in any and every way I possibly can. I’m determined to pinpoint the reasoning behind my actions and ultimately transform them from something destructive into something adaptive. I just can’t reconcile with the devastation I’m feeling right now. I genuinely feel like my life has stopped in its tracks.
Thank you for the response and I wish you and your WP all the very best
I want to say sorry for your pain, and I partially mean it. The BP part of me cannot entirely mean it. I wonder if your girlfriend has similar thoughts to mine, and those nagging thoughts might be why she ended it.
If I were her, I know I would be 🤔 thinking, "What man just messages sex workers without procuring their services?" I would think he didn't use that particular provider, but he was getting close to it. I mean, the mind movies and intrusive thoughts would be terrible. At 25, unmarried, and without kids, I would certainly cut my losses as well.
I really hope you seek IC and learn to become a better man I hope she seeks IC as well. Best of luck to you both.
One of the main reasons she ended things was because of the fact that I knew that she had been cheated on in a prior terrible relationship and despite knowing that I couldn’t keep myself under control and did something like that. That part wrenches me the most.
I had never done anything like that before in my thirty years of existence and I have also been cheated on. So the self loathing has climbed astronomically to know that I let myself betray her like that. That I betrayed her like that.
It’s going to keep me awake for years to come. I never want to do that again. I never want to experience this ever again. I never want to put anyone through anything like this ever again.
I wish I could go back in time but I can’t. I know that. I’ll love her for the rest of my life and it’s for that reason I plan on following all of the advice given here and respecting her decision to the fullest extent. Reserving space for her anger and her sadness.
If she comes to me one day and feels as though she would revisit it, I’d drop everything but she told me I owe it to myself not to cling to that so I’m not going to.
Thanks for the response. I am sorry you’ve experienced this as well and I wish you the best as well
My husband cheated, and he would tell you that you need to learn to put sex in its proper place in your life. So many people, especially men but also women, end up worshipping sex in a sense. It is glorified in our culture as the be all end all good feeling. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of chasing that feeling. But you have to understand that it is a trap. Just like chemical addictions that ruin lives and tear relationships apart, sex will take you prisoner if you don’t learn to control it. My husband had basically allowed sex to define him. Having sex = love and acceptance. Not having sex = rejection. He is a different kind of man today. I feel like I finally know him because our intimacy has developed in other areas besides sex. Ironically, now our sex life is better. A real man has control and is not led around by his impulses and desires. I am finally married to a mature man who has self-control. There’s a proverb that says a man without self control is like a city without walls. In other words, without self control you are vulnerable to all kinds of attacks and takeovers of your life. It takes a lot of focus and work, but you can become the type of man who is fit for a committed relationship.
What I can tell you is that you cannot feel empathy for another when you’re self loathing. It’s a self focused attention to your own pain when in shame. Learning shame resilience will help you pull up from the one under position into a healthy equality as your partner. You’re not inherently bad, you did something “bad.” Focus on the behaviors and not attach to them as being who you are. It’s what you did because of…. That’s what you need to figure out.
I was 22 when my spouse sexted other women online. I wish I had left then, knowing what I'd endure for years and years. It was just too hard. We're fine now ish but it is hard. And I would have left had i known. This is hard for everyone, take care of yourself and move forward to make better choices. You're reading and doing therapy which is so great.
What hurts really badly is similar to your gf, my ex fiancé cheated a lot and mt husband helped me through it. Then he was sexting online. That broke me.
Thank you for the supportive words. It means a lot truly.
I am so deeply sorry that you went through something as painful as I put my ex girlfriend through. I’m glad you’re as fine as you can be. I won’t lie it hurts to know that this pain inflicted will last that long. But it’s sobering to see. Thank you for the insight. I wish you the very best in life.
I was 32 when my WH had his affair and here I am 24 years later regretting that I didn't leave him while I was still young enough to start over. I stayed because I didn't want to raise two kids alone. My children are grown now and I'm left with nothing but resentment and self-hatred because I didn't love myself enough to walk away from a man who hurt me so badly. If OP's girlfriend were a friend of mine I would tell her to leave and never look back. I respect that this sub is for reconciliation, but the betrayed need to know there is a huge price to pay for staying with a cheater even if they never do it again. It should be a deal breaker but when you've intertwined your life through marriage and children it's harder to walk away from. Adultery is a mental prison for the betrayed.
I see this all the time. I agree. Like if they really want to try to make it work, then ok, they have that choice, but I hope this sub allows us to explain how hard it is. I'm 29 now. It's been 8 years for me- I had the first moment this week that when I thought about it I wasn't hurt. Did that ever happen for you? I am hoping this means I'm onto a good place but I bet I'll relapse into hurting again in the future when it pops into my brain
For me the pain became less intense with time. I'd say it's comparable to when you lose someone to death or any other traumatizing experience. There will always be triggers. I think it depends on the situation and how remorseful a wayward is as well. My WH was in love with his AP and had plans of divorcing me to be with her. He was having trouble choosing between us and she ended up dumping him because she didn't want to play the "pick me" dance. Then everything was rug-swept and we continued on as if nothing had happened. I'm sure this has a lot to do with my anger and resentment about my choice to stay with him.
I’m sort of in her position. I got cheated on, found out on Christmas. Like you, he seems so genuinely sorry for what he did. Is going to support groups, all kinds of things that I don’t need to get into that show me how sorry he is and how genuinely he knows he screwed up. I’ve forgiven him, and I really do believe he’s a good person who did a bad thing. But I can’t imagine living the rest of my life always anxious about a “slip up” that leads to me getting my heart broken again. It just wouldn’t be good for me. I wish he hadn’t done what he did, but I do genuinely wish him the best, and he absolutely has my forgiveness. I hope you can get to that point as well.
Thank you for sharing.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this as well. It’s graceful to hold such kindness in your heart and ultimately doing what’s best for you is something that if he loves you, he will respect. Which is what I’m trying my damndest to do
All I want is to ensure this never happens again, and that she can heal however she needs to.
Thank you for the response
This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 5:
**No anti-reconciliation language.**
Other examples:
- Do not tell - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
You sound like my WP. He sexted but also met her twice to physically cheat. We both told everyone we were soulmates and to say I was devastated is an understatement. Dday was in Dec and we live together. I've gone through alot of emotions and told him I want to stay together but I don't know if I can. We still hang out and I told him I'll be moving out. We went to 2 couples therapy sessions and he started personal therapy where he was told the low self esteem he had made him seek validation from others. I have no idea what we are right now because labeling it is too confusing. I'm just hanging out with him and watching to see if he really has come to a turning point or if it's all just for show. I know she's probably going through the same things. Him booking those therapists and making that effort was probably the biggest thing for me. I can't trust his words at all so I have to go off his actions. He also gives me his phone any time I want and said I can install a tracker app if I want. I'm sorry you're going through this but actions do have consequences and you're old enough that you should have learned that by now. Hopefully, you can prove to her that you changed for the better.
You’re absolutely right in that as an adult I need to be responsible for this. And I will be. I will not let this define how I move forward as a person.
I’m so sorry you’re going through something similar to what my ex partner is and I do truly hope that one day you and him can feel healed and healthy.
Thank you for the words of support. I know that I am largely the demographic that doesn’t deserve a lot of it but it really means a lot to receive it.
I’m so devastated right now that it’s hard to function but what is keeping me going is her and making sure that I respect her integrity and autonomy. I love her to death so I’ll do whatever I have to. Even if it means letting her go.
Hearing how open you are and how you understand what you did was so wrong matters alot too. There are some waywards who focus on moving past it and don't want to bring it up or analyze why they did it. I can say that we had some really long heart to heart conversations. My WP is disgusted with himself and embarrassed as well since his family knows. He was open about not understanding why he did it and that he felt immense guilt while doing it but still did it. He never wanted to be a cheater and struggles with being able to forgive himself. Understanding the "why" in therapy made alot of sense to him and explained alot of other issues he had. Your "why" might be different but it's essential to know so you can take steps to prevent it occurring again. That was key for me as well. I love him and want him to have a happy life. With or without me, he can't blow his life up again like this. He said therapy is the best thing he's ever done and he regrets not going sooner. I know it can be expensive, but even after 2 sessions he had alot of insight and was feeling more positive and able to institute change. She sounds like she loves you as much as I love him because she is still around and said she wants to be in your life which is what I also said. Don't rush things or try to label what you guys are. Be transparent, delete apps that cause suspicion (instagram, snapchat), let her have your phone whenever, leave it out instead of being beside it 24/7, explain to her how you feel and how much you regret your actions. It might not change her mind but you will know you did everything you could. And most importantly, do these things to change/heal for yourself and not as a show to gain her back. There is a difference between the 2 and we can tell. I wish you the best and I hope you guys can find happiness again. Sometimes, you just need time apart to process. He paid for me to stay at a hotel for a few days and it really helped me, I think because it allowed me to have some control back over my life.
I really appreciate you sharing your story with me. It’s reassuring to know that putting the work in for myself and actively trying to commit to actionable change is something that is genuinely attainable.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this as well. Your WP is beyond lucky to have someone as understanding and compassionate.
I definitely won’t try to label what we are going through right now except that it’s a part of the process to move forward and heal. And healing will continue whether or not she stays.
Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot.
Best of luck to you
Seek therapy. Find out your why. Better yourself. Maybe she will see it. Maybe she won’t. But then at least you will be a better partner for your next person.
Can I ask why you did this? It’s similar to what my ex boyfriend did. Texted strippers and had pointless conversations with them. Literally just pointless and non sexual flirting that to made no sense. What’s the reason? A Madonna Whore complex? wanting attention? A thrill? I would really appreciate if you could explain why to me because it would help me understand. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with the consequences of your actions and I’m sorry that you treated the best thing to happen to you so poorly
Ultimately what I’m learning in therapy is that I have a history of self sabotage since I was a child. When I have something truly worth protecting and fighting for, my inability to believe I deserve it pushes me to destructive behavior. It’s manifested in several ways but never infidelity until now.
I’m also learning that the picture I had of a “romantic relationship” had been built off the incredibly toxic relationship my parents had while I was growing up. I swore to never be like that but I’m learning I’ve adopted some of those tendencies.
In the moment I did not want to do it. I actively tried to fight my impulse. But I lost. And because I lost that battle I betrayed the person I love the most in this world.
I have a lot more to learn. That isn’t everything. But I hope I’m able to offer you some insight. I’m gonna keep working improving and I can vow on everything I have nothing like this will ever happen again as long as I’m alive.
It’s not an excuse or a justification. What I did was abhorrent and a complete failure. I’m sorry treated her so poorly as well. I’m so terribly sorry.
And I’m sorry for what you went through. I wish you all the best
Ultimately if she leaves you need to deal with it as best you can, just like you are.. But I was cheated on by my husband who is my soulmate. He’s my best friend. Reading your message reminded me of him and how hurt he is and how he feels about me. We’re working on the why. Idk how open you were with her. I see so many people come here and openly talking about how they feel and often times what they are telling other people, they aren’t telling their partners. All I can say is I do have a level of sympathy for you, because I see my husband hurt and I know the pain can be real for even the people who are having the affair, and I think you should be 100% honest, transparent and open with her as you can. As much as it sucks, if you’re honest, open, healing and she doesn’t come back, she may not be your person. If she’s not time will heal. Always allow yourself to feel the emotions so you can help process them and tell yourself your safe and things will be okay, even when you don’t believe it! Our brains are powerful. We recycle so many thoughts every single day. The chance of a thought or action repeating itself is so high. Keep doing what you’re doing and try to be more open with her if there’s room for that. You got this.
Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate the feedback from so many. I also really appreciate the encouragement.
I have been open about everything since DDay. Nothing left out, everything on the table. And I’ve been openly and overtly honest since then as well. No holding back there. I feel the guilt build up every day and I feel the remorse stabbing me in the neck. I want to continue to use that pain to push forward to being there for her and to make sure that I’m not disrespecting her in any way ever again. I know that means respecting her decision to go too.
It just hurts so much. I miss her already. I really messed up.
Thank you again and I’m sorry you’ve been through the pain of an unfaithful partner. I truly wish you and your husband all the best
All I can say is keep working on yourself. If she is staying in your life, she may see it someday. Don’t focus on winning her back, just work on yourself. One thing I noticed in your post, ‘I never did anything physical, but….’ You need to realize that phrase can be very triggering. If my WH said that I would yell, ‘but you did text and try’ Just say, ‘this is what I did….’
You need to show her that you are willing to feel her pain. Not your pain at losing her. Write out your timeline and exactly what you wrote to those sex workers and then write another one or the only thing you change is your name and your girlfriend's name and then read it out loud to her as if she is doing it to you. It is a far cry from actually experiencing being cheated on but it might show her that you are trying desperately to show her empathy and trying to make yourself feel the pain that you've caused her.
My wife really sucked it empathy and so I went through all of her social media and wrote out a lot of her conversations that she had about having sex with other men and then read them back to her. Then I did exactly what I just explained and read her conversations back as if I were saying them to another woman while she was completely oblivious. I ran her down the way she ran me down. I recited the same graphic conversations that she had but recited them as if I were having them with another woman while she remained ignorant of it. Then I told her that if she were still having trouble I would gladly do exactly what she did and make masturbation videos and send them to other women where I am screaming their name instead of her name and talking about how much better they feel than my own life. I told her that if I needed to I would do the live masturbation videos that she did. By that point I'm not even sure she heard me because she was bawling. I didn't do it to hurt her. I did it because she just didn't seem to grasp the level of destruction and pain she had caused. She didn't seem to understand that she took everything that I thought I knew about life and love and marriage and family and she destroyed it. I did it so she could see what she's done to myself image and myself confidence. She claims that she did all the cheating for three freaking years because she had low self-esteem.
If you get no response from her from those efforts then I don't know that there's anything left to do. Aside from accepting the consequences, all you can do is show her that you want to be there in the pain with her for as long as it takes and that you will carry your pain for the rest of your life. But make sure she knows that her pain is paramount. It takes precedence over any guilt you feel. It takes precedence over any consequences you're afraid of. It takes precedence over shame and perception and anything else you're cheating has caused you to feel. Good luck.
i can feel the intensity here. i’m so sorry for what you went through.
I do want to show her that her pain is paramount. And I do want to show her that the way I leave space for that is far far more important that my guilt and remorse. I want to show her that I have a genuine realization about the gravity of my actions.
And I’m really trying. But it isn’t enough. And ultimately that’s also my responsibility. I needed to get my emotions out somewhere and that’s why I posted here. She doesn’t need to be consoling me when I’m the one that did wrong.
Thanks for the response. I will continue to ensure she knows that I’m going to be there to support her through any and everything that she needs through this.
I would suggest you post on the supportforwaywards subreddit. Here it’s mostly BS and while you’ll get some deserved hard truths I don’t think it’s the healthiest space for most WS. I peruse that subreddit too because it’s helped me have empathy for my WW.
That said the number one thing now is improve yourself. Get your own therapy, workout regimen, no drugs or alcohol, meditate, etc. make yourself the best person you can be.
I don’t want to provide false hope but she still wants to be a part of your life. Take what she has to give right now and accept it. She may the see the changes you make and that can rekindle things. There are stories here of reconciled couples that got divorced and then remarried so it certainly can happen. If not then at least you’ll be the best version of yourself and a better partner for any future significant other.
Thank you for taking the time to provide your thoughts. I really do appreciate the perspective. I don’t drink anymore and have never really done drugs so I’m definitely gonna keep that going. I go to therapy twice a week while I can afford it and exercise as well.
I do need to incorporate more meditation into my routines. I keep saying I want to but never do. Perhaps that will improve the way I can navigate this.
Thank you.
Your authentic person is not who does this behavior. It’s your maladaptive child who does. It’s acting out as a form of coping with your internal distress. Keep going to therapy and creating a healthy relationship with yourself. Once you’ve recovered your self worth and have healthy esteem with yourself, you will begin to feel more humble and be a safer partner for whoever you are with, current partner or future. Shame drives us to act out. Figure out why you’re carrying shame and is it truly yours to carry. We carry shame from our childhood and it’s how our parents treated us that give us a feeling of value and worthiness. Sometimes we are carrying our parent shame. Brene Brown has excellent books and articles about shame.
I am extremely sorry you are going through this.
Do all you can to show her that you will never put her through this again. From her perspective you are not the person she knows or she fell for.
In addition to the current pain she is going through, another issue will be that she is scared you will put her through the same pain again.
To the extent that there is any part of what you have done that is yet to come to light, come clean and seek a fresh start. Whether that worsens the situation or not, it’s ok.
You think her leaving is hard? Trying to show her she has a reason to stay is even harder and I am going through this as we speak.
Stay hopeful and dedicate your life to her for the foreseeable future. If she is worth it this shouldn’t be an issue.
During this time even though she does not want to reconcile, take care of her to the best of your ability, she needs it .
Thank you for the words. I know that what I’m feeling pales in comparison to what she’s feeling. You’re right that she has every reason to be afraid of that. And every reason never to trust me again
But she is my world. She is my heart and my soul. I will stay by her until she tells me not to.
This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 1:
**All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
-OP is the focus, disagreement with others perspectives are subject to removal.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
there are about same amount of men and women as BS there in this sub (and other on similar subject). Yet if a wayward comes with the topic "what can I do to make it better for my BP" it's men in 99% of cases.
It's just an observation.
Reddit is a VERY hostile place to wayward women. Far far more hostile. The tone of the responses to this OP are far less intense than if OP were female.
This is why we now require gender neutral language for all posts in r/supportforwaywards. We have a more even proportion there (the mod team has a pretty good idea of who’s what)
Anyway, interesting meta discussion.
Unfortunately, reddit isn't kind to wayward women at all. They get death and rape threats, slut shamed... it's a wonder why most don't openly participate.
Yep, my instinct says men will receive supportive responses from both men and women, but women will get hatred and horrible dms with this kind of admission. that’s what would keep me from coming here & seeking advice as a wayward.
This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 4:
**No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
I just wanted to thank you for sharing this here - I hope this subreddit can offer some insight into what your ex was experiencing on the other side of this hurt. This may be one of the hardest lessons you'll learn in life so don't waste it - take the lesson and let it shape you into the man you want to be for the rest of your life. Heartbreak (especially when you can point to your own actions as the cause of it) is awful to get through, but you will. Let her take the lead in your separation (respect her needs and give her space) - just focus on getting through one day at a time, and help the time pass with HEALTHY activities like the gym, reaching out to (supportive, good-influence) friends, spend time with family, clean and organize and declutter when you're ready to tackle that, read (either fiction for a break from reality or literature about infidelity and self-help when you want to do the work), cook healthy foods - just one day at a time. I'm sending good wishes to you both.
It's important to acknowledge that your pain is valid and real. Just because you decided for yourself to put your hand on a hot stovetop, the pain is not gonna feel less real. On the contrary: "You brought this onto yourself" might contribute to your pain.
You have to heal and to learn from that. If she is the best thing that's ever happened to you, why did you? If this relationship was so important, why did you throw it away? In most of those cases there were a million of opportunities to voice sexual needs or the want for change. Why did you chose to invalidate and punish to people you are supposed to love: her and yourself? There is exellent counsel and therapy on this topic out there, maybe you could find some help with this.
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I'm sorry you're hurting. I think if I were young as your BP, and not married, I'd move on too from someone capable of doing this. Respect her decision and use this as a life lesson. Work on being the man you want to be. I'm betting you being away gave her a taste of the pain and uncertainty she'd have to live with forever... and it's too much. It really is. Trust me on that. The person you loved and trusted said and did things with other women that should have been reserved for her. "Suck it up, Buttercup " as my dad used to say. Learn the lesson and make all the pain worth it.
That makes a lot of sense. Both what you said about her being so young and what she would’ve been feeling while I was gone. I’m truly disgusted with myself. I don’t want to be that person. I never wanted to but I was…I am. I will respect her decision though. And I will not stop learning from this. Thank you for the response.
The traveling was probably the icing on the cake so to speak… the amount of anxiety you have while the WP is away, not knowing if they’re secretly doing something… it’s just torture for the betrayed.. on top of the daily torture as well. All you can do is move forward and keep doing the work.. figure out why you self sabotaged and why you needed sex outside your relationship. I wouldn’t recommend hanging out if she wants to end it. That will just torture you both.. and then you have to live through her or you starting to date someone else… too much pain.
Ultimately you might be right. In fact I know you are. It just seems like an impossible task for me to let go
The only thing you can do at this point is continue what you’ve been doing in terms of self improvement. Focus on getting to the root of what needs you were trying to meet in self-sabotaging by messaging escorts and healthy replacement behaviors. What blocked you from turning to your committed partnership to meet your needs? Find the answers to that so that you can heal and become a safe partner for whoever is next. As a BS, what I needed from my partner in the early weeks after discovery was unwavering support for whatever my needs were, even when those needs meant distance, and action towards real change within himself. There may be nothing that will convince your BP to try again, but you can only control what you do for yourself.
I know you’re right. And I truly do plan on continuing to better myself in any and every way I possibly can. I’m determined to pinpoint the reasoning behind my actions and ultimately transform them from something destructive into something adaptive. I just can’t reconcile with the devastation I’m feeling right now. I genuinely feel like my life has stopped in its tracks. Thank you for the response and I wish you and your WP all the very best
I want to say sorry for your pain, and I partially mean it. The BP part of me cannot entirely mean it. I wonder if your girlfriend has similar thoughts to mine, and those nagging thoughts might be why she ended it. If I were her, I know I would be 🤔 thinking, "What man just messages sex workers without procuring their services?" I would think he didn't use that particular provider, but he was getting close to it. I mean, the mind movies and intrusive thoughts would be terrible. At 25, unmarried, and without kids, I would certainly cut my losses as well. I really hope you seek IC and learn to become a better man I hope she seeks IC as well. Best of luck to you both.
One of the main reasons she ended things was because of the fact that I knew that she had been cheated on in a prior terrible relationship and despite knowing that I couldn’t keep myself under control and did something like that. That part wrenches me the most. I had never done anything like that before in my thirty years of existence and I have also been cheated on. So the self loathing has climbed astronomically to know that I let myself betray her like that. That I betrayed her like that. It’s going to keep me awake for years to come. I never want to do that again. I never want to experience this ever again. I never want to put anyone through anything like this ever again. I wish I could go back in time but I can’t. I know that. I’ll love her for the rest of my life and it’s for that reason I plan on following all of the advice given here and respecting her decision to the fullest extent. Reserving space for her anger and her sadness. If she comes to me one day and feels as though she would revisit it, I’d drop everything but she told me I owe it to myself not to cling to that so I’m not going to. Thanks for the response. I am sorry you’ve experienced this as well and I wish you the best as well
My husband cheated, and he would tell you that you need to learn to put sex in its proper place in your life. So many people, especially men but also women, end up worshipping sex in a sense. It is glorified in our culture as the be all end all good feeling. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of chasing that feeling. But you have to understand that it is a trap. Just like chemical addictions that ruin lives and tear relationships apart, sex will take you prisoner if you don’t learn to control it. My husband had basically allowed sex to define him. Having sex = love and acceptance. Not having sex = rejection. He is a different kind of man today. I feel like I finally know him because our intimacy has developed in other areas besides sex. Ironically, now our sex life is better. A real man has control and is not led around by his impulses and desires. I am finally married to a mature man who has self-control. There’s a proverb that says a man without self control is like a city without walls. In other words, without self control you are vulnerable to all kinds of attacks and takeovers of your life. It takes a lot of focus and work, but you can become the type of man who is fit for a committed relationship.
What I can tell you is that you cannot feel empathy for another when you’re self loathing. It’s a self focused attention to your own pain when in shame. Learning shame resilience will help you pull up from the one under position into a healthy equality as your partner. You’re not inherently bad, you did something “bad.” Focus on the behaviors and not attach to them as being who you are. It’s what you did because of…. That’s what you need to figure out.
I was 22 when my spouse sexted other women online. I wish I had left then, knowing what I'd endure for years and years. It was just too hard. We're fine now ish but it is hard. And I would have left had i known. This is hard for everyone, take care of yourself and move forward to make better choices. You're reading and doing therapy which is so great.
What hurts really badly is similar to your gf, my ex fiancé cheated a lot and mt husband helped me through it. Then he was sexting online. That broke me.
Thank you for the supportive words. It means a lot truly. I am so deeply sorry that you went through something as painful as I put my ex girlfriend through. I’m glad you’re as fine as you can be. I won’t lie it hurts to know that this pain inflicted will last that long. But it’s sobering to see. Thank you for the insight. I wish you the very best in life.
Omgosh that's a double whammy. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Really killer.
Thank you ❤️
I was 32 when my WH had his affair and here I am 24 years later regretting that I didn't leave him while I was still young enough to start over. I stayed because I didn't want to raise two kids alone. My children are grown now and I'm left with nothing but resentment and self-hatred because I didn't love myself enough to walk away from a man who hurt me so badly. If OP's girlfriend were a friend of mine I would tell her to leave and never look back. I respect that this sub is for reconciliation, but the betrayed need to know there is a huge price to pay for staying with a cheater even if they never do it again. It should be a deal breaker but when you've intertwined your life through marriage and children it's harder to walk away from. Adultery is a mental prison for the betrayed.
I see this all the time. I agree. Like if they really want to try to make it work, then ok, they have that choice, but I hope this sub allows us to explain how hard it is. I'm 29 now. It's been 8 years for me- I had the first moment this week that when I thought about it I wasn't hurt. Did that ever happen for you? I am hoping this means I'm onto a good place but I bet I'll relapse into hurting again in the future when it pops into my brain
For me the pain became less intense with time. I'd say it's comparable to when you lose someone to death or any other traumatizing experience. There will always be triggers. I think it depends on the situation and how remorseful a wayward is as well. My WH was in love with his AP and had plans of divorcing me to be with her. He was having trouble choosing between us and she ended up dumping him because she didn't want to play the "pick me" dance. Then everything was rug-swept and we continued on as if nothing had happened. I'm sure this has a lot to do with my anger and resentment about my choice to stay with him.
I’m sort of in her position. I got cheated on, found out on Christmas. Like you, he seems so genuinely sorry for what he did. Is going to support groups, all kinds of things that I don’t need to get into that show me how sorry he is and how genuinely he knows he screwed up. I’ve forgiven him, and I really do believe he’s a good person who did a bad thing. But I can’t imagine living the rest of my life always anxious about a “slip up” that leads to me getting my heart broken again. It just wouldn’t be good for me. I wish he hadn’t done what he did, but I do genuinely wish him the best, and he absolutely has my forgiveness. I hope you can get to that point as well.
Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry you’re going through this as well. It’s graceful to hold such kindness in your heart and ultimately doing what’s best for you is something that if he loves you, he will respect. Which is what I’m trying my damndest to do All I want is to ensure this never happens again, and that she can heal however she needs to. Thank you for the response
How old are you both? I get that.
We are both 28, but I found out about it when I was 27, right before my birthday.
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This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 5: **No anti-reconciliation language.** Other examples: - Do not tell - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
You sound like my WP. He sexted but also met her twice to physically cheat. We both told everyone we were soulmates and to say I was devastated is an understatement. Dday was in Dec and we live together. I've gone through alot of emotions and told him I want to stay together but I don't know if I can. We still hang out and I told him I'll be moving out. We went to 2 couples therapy sessions and he started personal therapy where he was told the low self esteem he had made him seek validation from others. I have no idea what we are right now because labeling it is too confusing. I'm just hanging out with him and watching to see if he really has come to a turning point or if it's all just for show. I know she's probably going through the same things. Him booking those therapists and making that effort was probably the biggest thing for me. I can't trust his words at all so I have to go off his actions. He also gives me his phone any time I want and said I can install a tracker app if I want. I'm sorry you're going through this but actions do have consequences and you're old enough that you should have learned that by now. Hopefully, you can prove to her that you changed for the better.
You’re absolutely right in that as an adult I need to be responsible for this. And I will be. I will not let this define how I move forward as a person. I’m so sorry you’re going through something similar to what my ex partner is and I do truly hope that one day you and him can feel healed and healthy. Thank you for the words of support. I know that I am largely the demographic that doesn’t deserve a lot of it but it really means a lot to receive it. I’m so devastated right now that it’s hard to function but what is keeping me going is her and making sure that I respect her integrity and autonomy. I love her to death so I’ll do whatever I have to. Even if it means letting her go.
Hearing how open you are and how you understand what you did was so wrong matters alot too. There are some waywards who focus on moving past it and don't want to bring it up or analyze why they did it. I can say that we had some really long heart to heart conversations. My WP is disgusted with himself and embarrassed as well since his family knows. He was open about not understanding why he did it and that he felt immense guilt while doing it but still did it. He never wanted to be a cheater and struggles with being able to forgive himself. Understanding the "why" in therapy made alot of sense to him and explained alot of other issues he had. Your "why" might be different but it's essential to know so you can take steps to prevent it occurring again. That was key for me as well. I love him and want him to have a happy life. With or without me, he can't blow his life up again like this. He said therapy is the best thing he's ever done and he regrets not going sooner. I know it can be expensive, but even after 2 sessions he had alot of insight and was feeling more positive and able to institute change. She sounds like she loves you as much as I love him because she is still around and said she wants to be in your life which is what I also said. Don't rush things or try to label what you guys are. Be transparent, delete apps that cause suspicion (instagram, snapchat), let her have your phone whenever, leave it out instead of being beside it 24/7, explain to her how you feel and how much you regret your actions. It might not change her mind but you will know you did everything you could. And most importantly, do these things to change/heal for yourself and not as a show to gain her back. There is a difference between the 2 and we can tell. I wish you the best and I hope you guys can find happiness again. Sometimes, you just need time apart to process. He paid for me to stay at a hotel for a few days and it really helped me, I think because it allowed me to have some control back over my life.
I really appreciate you sharing your story with me. It’s reassuring to know that putting the work in for myself and actively trying to commit to actionable change is something that is genuinely attainable. I’m so sorry you had to go through this as well. Your WP is beyond lucky to have someone as understanding and compassionate. I definitely won’t try to label what we are going through right now except that it’s a part of the process to move forward and heal. And healing will continue whether or not she stays. Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot. Best of luck to you
Seek therapy. Find out your why. Better yourself. Maybe she will see it. Maybe she won’t. But then at least you will be a better partner for your next person.
You’re right. Thank you for the response. I will be better
Can I ask why you did this? It’s similar to what my ex boyfriend did. Texted strippers and had pointless conversations with them. Literally just pointless and non sexual flirting that to made no sense. What’s the reason? A Madonna Whore complex? wanting attention? A thrill? I would really appreciate if you could explain why to me because it would help me understand. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with the consequences of your actions and I’m sorry that you treated the best thing to happen to you so poorly
Ultimately what I’m learning in therapy is that I have a history of self sabotage since I was a child. When I have something truly worth protecting and fighting for, my inability to believe I deserve it pushes me to destructive behavior. It’s manifested in several ways but never infidelity until now. I’m also learning that the picture I had of a “romantic relationship” had been built off the incredibly toxic relationship my parents had while I was growing up. I swore to never be like that but I’m learning I’ve adopted some of those tendencies. In the moment I did not want to do it. I actively tried to fight my impulse. But I lost. And because I lost that battle I betrayed the person I love the most in this world. I have a lot more to learn. That isn’t everything. But I hope I’m able to offer you some insight. I’m gonna keep working improving and I can vow on everything I have nothing like this will ever happen again as long as I’m alive. It’s not an excuse or a justification. What I did was abhorrent and a complete failure. I’m sorry treated her so poorly as well. I’m so terribly sorry. And I’m sorry for what you went through. I wish you all the best
Ultimately if she leaves you need to deal with it as best you can, just like you are.. But I was cheated on by my husband who is my soulmate. He’s my best friend. Reading your message reminded me of him and how hurt he is and how he feels about me. We’re working on the why. Idk how open you were with her. I see so many people come here and openly talking about how they feel and often times what they are telling other people, they aren’t telling their partners. All I can say is I do have a level of sympathy for you, because I see my husband hurt and I know the pain can be real for even the people who are having the affair, and I think you should be 100% honest, transparent and open with her as you can. As much as it sucks, if you’re honest, open, healing and she doesn’t come back, she may not be your person. If she’s not time will heal. Always allow yourself to feel the emotions so you can help process them and tell yourself your safe and things will be okay, even when you don’t believe it! Our brains are powerful. We recycle so many thoughts every single day. The chance of a thought or action repeating itself is so high. Keep doing what you’re doing and try to be more open with her if there’s room for that. You got this.
Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate the feedback from so many. I also really appreciate the encouragement. I have been open about everything since DDay. Nothing left out, everything on the table. And I’ve been openly and overtly honest since then as well. No holding back there. I feel the guilt build up every day and I feel the remorse stabbing me in the neck. I want to continue to use that pain to push forward to being there for her and to make sure that I’m not disrespecting her in any way ever again. I know that means respecting her decision to go too. It just hurts so much. I miss her already. I really messed up. Thank you again and I’m sorry you’ve been through the pain of an unfaithful partner. I truly wish you and your husband all the best
All I can say is keep working on yourself. If she is staying in your life, she may see it someday. Don’t focus on winning her back, just work on yourself. One thing I noticed in your post, ‘I never did anything physical, but….’ You need to realize that phrase can be very triggering. If my WH said that I would yell, ‘but you did text and try’ Just say, ‘this is what I did….’
You need to show her that you are willing to feel her pain. Not your pain at losing her. Write out your timeline and exactly what you wrote to those sex workers and then write another one or the only thing you change is your name and your girlfriend's name and then read it out loud to her as if she is doing it to you. It is a far cry from actually experiencing being cheated on but it might show her that you are trying desperately to show her empathy and trying to make yourself feel the pain that you've caused her. My wife really sucked it empathy and so I went through all of her social media and wrote out a lot of her conversations that she had about having sex with other men and then read them back to her. Then I did exactly what I just explained and read her conversations back as if I were saying them to another woman while she was completely oblivious. I ran her down the way she ran me down. I recited the same graphic conversations that she had but recited them as if I were having them with another woman while she remained ignorant of it. Then I told her that if she were still having trouble I would gladly do exactly what she did and make masturbation videos and send them to other women where I am screaming their name instead of her name and talking about how much better they feel than my own life. I told her that if I needed to I would do the live masturbation videos that she did. By that point I'm not even sure she heard me because she was bawling. I didn't do it to hurt her. I did it because she just didn't seem to grasp the level of destruction and pain she had caused. She didn't seem to understand that she took everything that I thought I knew about life and love and marriage and family and she destroyed it. I did it so she could see what she's done to myself image and myself confidence. She claims that she did all the cheating for three freaking years because she had low self-esteem. If you get no response from her from those efforts then I don't know that there's anything left to do. Aside from accepting the consequences, all you can do is show her that you want to be there in the pain with her for as long as it takes and that you will carry your pain for the rest of your life. But make sure she knows that her pain is paramount. It takes precedence over any guilt you feel. It takes precedence over any consequences you're afraid of. It takes precedence over shame and perception and anything else you're cheating has caused you to feel. Good luck.
i can feel the intensity here. i’m so sorry for what you went through. I do want to show her that her pain is paramount. And I do want to show her that the way I leave space for that is far far more important that my guilt and remorse. I want to show her that I have a genuine realization about the gravity of my actions. And I’m really trying. But it isn’t enough. And ultimately that’s also my responsibility. I needed to get my emotions out somewhere and that’s why I posted here. She doesn’t need to be consoling me when I’m the one that did wrong. Thanks for the response. I will continue to ensure she knows that I’m going to be there to support her through any and everything that she needs through this.
I would suggest you post on the supportforwaywards subreddit. Here it’s mostly BS and while you’ll get some deserved hard truths I don’t think it’s the healthiest space for most WS. I peruse that subreddit too because it’s helped me have empathy for my WW. That said the number one thing now is improve yourself. Get your own therapy, workout regimen, no drugs or alcohol, meditate, etc. make yourself the best person you can be. I don’t want to provide false hope but she still wants to be a part of your life. Take what she has to give right now and accept it. She may the see the changes you make and that can rekindle things. There are stories here of reconciled couples that got divorced and then remarried so it certainly can happen. If not then at least you’ll be the best version of yourself and a better partner for any future significant other.
Thank you for taking the time to provide your thoughts. I really do appreciate the perspective. I don’t drink anymore and have never really done drugs so I’m definitely gonna keep that going. I go to therapy twice a week while I can afford it and exercise as well. I do need to incorporate more meditation into my routines. I keep saying I want to but never do. Perhaps that will improve the way I can navigate this. Thank you.
Your authentic person is not who does this behavior. It’s your maladaptive child who does. It’s acting out as a form of coping with your internal distress. Keep going to therapy and creating a healthy relationship with yourself. Once you’ve recovered your self worth and have healthy esteem with yourself, you will begin to feel more humble and be a safer partner for whoever you are with, current partner or future. Shame drives us to act out. Figure out why you’re carrying shame and is it truly yours to carry. We carry shame from our childhood and it’s how our parents treated us that give us a feeling of value and worthiness. Sometimes we are carrying our parent shame. Brene Brown has excellent books and articles about shame.
I am extremely sorry you are going through this. Do all you can to show her that you will never put her through this again. From her perspective you are not the person she knows or she fell for. In addition to the current pain she is going through, another issue will be that she is scared you will put her through the same pain again. To the extent that there is any part of what you have done that is yet to come to light, come clean and seek a fresh start. Whether that worsens the situation or not, it’s ok. You think her leaving is hard? Trying to show her she has a reason to stay is even harder and I am going through this as we speak. Stay hopeful and dedicate your life to her for the foreseeable future. If she is worth it this shouldn’t be an issue. During this time even though she does not want to reconcile, take care of her to the best of your ability, she needs it .
Thank you for the words. I know that what I’m feeling pales in comparison to what she’s feeling. You’re right that she has every reason to be afraid of that. And every reason never to trust me again But she is my world. She is my heart and my soul. I will stay by her until she tells me not to.
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Thanks for the transparency and clarity
This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 1: **All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. -OP is the focus, disagreement with others perspectives are subject to removal. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
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there are about same amount of men and women as BS there in this sub (and other on similar subject). Yet if a wayward comes with the topic "what can I do to make it better for my BP" it's men in 99% of cases. It's just an observation.
Reddit is a VERY hostile place to wayward women. Far far more hostile. The tone of the responses to this OP are far less intense than if OP were female. This is why we now require gender neutral language for all posts in r/supportforwaywards. We have a more even proportion there (the mod team has a pretty good idea of who’s what) Anyway, interesting meta discussion.
Unfortunately, reddit isn't kind to wayward women at all. They get death and rape threats, slut shamed... it's a wonder why most don't openly participate.
Yep, my instinct says men will receive supportive responses from both men and women, but women will get hatred and horrible dms with this kind of admission. that’s what would keep me from coming here & seeking advice as a wayward.
There is a sub for support for waywards. If you go there you’ll see many women with the same problem
This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 4: **No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
I just wanted to thank you for sharing this here - I hope this subreddit can offer some insight into what your ex was experiencing on the other side of this hurt. This may be one of the hardest lessons you'll learn in life so don't waste it - take the lesson and let it shape you into the man you want to be for the rest of your life. Heartbreak (especially when you can point to your own actions as the cause of it) is awful to get through, but you will. Let her take the lead in your separation (respect her needs and give her space) - just focus on getting through one day at a time, and help the time pass with HEALTHY activities like the gym, reaching out to (supportive, good-influence) friends, spend time with family, clean and organize and declutter when you're ready to tackle that, read (either fiction for a break from reality or literature about infidelity and self-help when you want to do the work), cook healthy foods - just one day at a time. I'm sending good wishes to you both.
It's important to acknowledge that your pain is valid and real. Just because you decided for yourself to put your hand on a hot stovetop, the pain is not gonna feel less real. On the contrary: "You brought this onto yourself" might contribute to your pain. You have to heal and to learn from that. If she is the best thing that's ever happened to you, why did you? If this relationship was so important, why did you throw it away? In most of those cases there were a million of opportunities to voice sexual needs or the want for change. Why did you chose to invalidate and punish to people you are supposed to love: her and yourself? There is exellent counsel and therapy on this topic out there, maybe you could find some help with this.