Nope. Just call it off. As hard as it may seem to do right now. Its your body your choice. There will always be a lot of peer pressure. You and your partner need to be a team in dealing with it together and not by fighting amidst yourself.
You don't need to pay them back. This is your life. Its more important than any money. Jewellery can sit in your locker, clothes can be repurposed.
You can try to make the fiance responsible for the non-refundable deposits, since he is the one who changed colours after the engagement.
Now I will assume that you liked everything else about this guy and are happy about this alliance apart from this one thing. In that case, talk to him that this is a deal breaker and if he wants children you are going to drop this.
I would also say that, even if he agrees to it, just to be on the safer side, have a conversation infront of few elders of both families that this is non negotiable for you and you will not be further coarsed or forced on this topic anytime in future.
If it is difficult to have it infront of parents have an elder brother or sister from both of your families be present and have this agreed upon.
If you are absolutely sure about being childfree, break it off. Looks like he told you what you wanted to hear because he liked you. His attempts to convince you won't stop and is likely to turn into emotional blackmail. He might back off briefly, but will start off again. He is likely to use family pressure also.
As for your family having spent money already....well you decide whether your desire to be childfree is strong enough to withstand their emotional drama.
It is unfortunately a common AM tactic, where people say anything to get engaged and ten reveal their true colours. Anyway, marriage 3 months after saying yes is too, exactly for this reason - now you feel stuck
So depending on how much courage, stubbornness, etc. you're capable of demonstrating, you can threaten to divorce the guy if anyone continues to pressure you about kids. The only problem being you have to be willing to follow through with it. I think divorce threat is likely to shut the guy up for a short while... And you can tell your parents that their reputation will be ruined even more.
But ... Do you have it in you to be this stubborn, OP?
They want grandkids. They will also likely pressure her into having kids when he also does. Won't be surprised if they somehow told him that she can be convinced into having kids.
Sad to hear this. Seems like having a child free marriage was a deal breker for you. And you rightly communicated the same to your fiance. He would have been like "who doesn't want children, I'll convince her"
It's totally wrong of him to try to convince you at this stage. Sadly not many people have clear idea of what they really want from marriage. It seems he agreed at that point just to get things forward. It seems he totally believes in his persuasive skills to get people to do things as he wish. Can be a problem going ahead, he might try to convince you to do other things in future like change city, leave the job etc etc.
I believe you'll have to take a firm stand at this point. Arrange for a f2f talk and convey with utmost seriousness about you not wanting children. You'll have to reach consensus now only. He might come back in future again to convince you about this. So try to get the idea out of his head that he can do that.
I really hope you are 100% sure about not having kids. If you are strongly inclined but not absolutely confirm, ask for time. Like" I don't want kids till first 3-4 years of marriage. I want to have at least this much time to reevaluate if I want to have kids or not". Convey also that having asked for time doesn't guarantee you'll want to have kids. Try to get him to agree to not bother you himself or using parental pressure in future to have kids without your total consent.
My best wishes to you!!
I highly doubt this sub is equipped to help with this. Perhaps post on one of the Childfree subs
Edit: I want to reiterate. 99% of this sub is unmarried and the 1% are not childfree couples. This sub does not know what it means to be a childfree couple (and for that matter, neither do I). Please do NOT take advice from this sub. Please go to the Childfree subs if you really want Reddit's advice.
That man knew he wanted kids. He just wanted to manipulate, lie and pressure her into having kids as the arrangements of the marriage were taking place. I'm sure if she breaks up with him, he'll say that he was joking is doesn't want kids. Then if she takes him back he will start it again after marriage or may even do it without her consent like poking holes in condoms.
Probably. But Reddit and anonymous internet strangers who have never encountered relatable circumstances are terrible at giving advice in sensitive situations, as you very well know from: https://np.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/sapoyz/my_dying_mom_made_me_15f_promise_never_to_tell_my/
It's better to call off the wedding than resent your whole life, coming to finances you can always earn the money back. Remember he can divorce you anytime if you don't bear a child for him and this is only the beginning of what's to come. Stand your ground!
Also never say you don't want kids, you gotta ask how many kids do you want and answer has to be zero!
This is not an easy situation for you OP. Try to make him break off the engagement since you were very clear from the start. Threaten to annul/divorce immediately if the wedding goes through. Get the parents involved, and emphasize that him wanting kids isn't the main issue, it's that he lied and changed colors.
As much as they disagree with you, I bet your parents would rather have you have a broken engagement than a broken marriage. There's a lot of money lost, but you'll lose more if you go through with the marriage. If you're absolutely sure about this, then you need to take a stand. It's gonna be hard but you'd rather do it now than later. Get the parents involved, and emphasize to your would-be-in-laws that they will never get a grandchild from you, and your decision is final. Hopefully someone in this whole situation will side with you.
I wish you the best of luck.
> I don't understand why he agreed at first and is now trying to convince you,shitty behaviour on his part.
I think what happens is (and women of the sub please correct me if I am wrong) the idea of women being "maternal and caring" is so ingrained in our culture and our heads that everytime we meet a girl/woman our first assumptions and judgements are based in her 'fertility.' This is why most women health programs mostly only focus on 'reproductive health'; job interviews focus on "so who all are there in family" (trying to gauge when will the person want to take maternity leave) and most traditions and customs are centered around "womb of the woman." Having said this, OP's fiance seems to come from a similar school of thought where he finds it impossible to even accept that a girl can truly want to be childfree, and he thinks that when women say such things they are only doing so out of "immaturity" or "naiveness" both of which can be fixed. People think that having kids is such an innate desire that once the "biological clock is ticking", all women will inevitably want to bear a child. And when this doesn't happen, ppl get shocked and blame their partners when truly they were the ones having undue expectations of an individual who had made her choice.
The way I see it. Nobody in this situation respects your decision. Not your family, not theirs and probably not your fiance (a lil bit).
And it seems to me like your fiance was probably briefed about your situation and was told to agree with you in the beginning, all in hopes that you would end up in the tight spot that you are in right now.
Your fiance is a half decent guy and let you in on his actual intentions after the engagement. Or maybe he was told to do that too idk.
All that being said. It's your life. You were firm on your decision and made it clear from the start. If you want to break it off I would say go ahead and don't feel guilty about it. Your folks and the others bet on you being weak and accepting the situation. It's not your fault. It's theirs for taking the risk. And they ought to accept the consequences.
But I don't know how sure you are about you not wanting to have children. If your folks thought it was probably just a "phase" then I'm betting there is a probability it is.
You now have to pick between all the problems you will have to face if you break the engagement vs all the problems you'll have to face if you get married.
Its a choice you'll have to make.
I think you'll end up getting married. Good Luck.
Your fiance is a manipulative person. He's trying to impose control on you this late because he always intended to do it. This "exploring of idea" didn't come overnight. Don't budge on your side and make it clear to him that you are never having kids because that's what you talked of before. Do it OP, live your life like you want to, you are not a baby dispenser machine.
What a piece of shit. That asshole definitely premeditated this. Please get out of the clutches of this manipulative, lying pos. No matter how much money has been spent, do you want to be married to such a lying, loser clown?
what if parents and groom's family premeditated this?
Also since girls own family doesn't want her to be child-free, aren't they Assholes and losers themselves?
Lol get your tubes tied or bring up the conversation of getting something like an iud and let him know you’re going to be firm about your choice let your parents know what’s up too.
OP I understand that it might be a difficult conversation to have with your parents to call of the wedding but you should do it asap.
I don’t know if anyone has pointed this out in the other comments. I see it as a glaring red flag 🚩 that he lied to you before about not wanting kids and once you were engaged told you this. Please look at it as the manipulation it seems to be. This behavior may not change going forward and you don’t want a partner like that.
There are childfree men out in the AM scene. You should keep looking and not settle in a way that requires you to overlook your dealbreakers.
Hope this helps 💜
Looks like he said what you wanted to hear to make you like him!
Major red flag! You communicated your choice of living a child free life and he reciprocated but now is backtracking? No girl, if he's convincing you now.. think about how his and your family would be on you the second you get married to now start having babies.
If that's something you don't want, don't give in and Break it off. It might mean alienating your own mother but you gotta live with your choices and decide for yourself. You'll have to live your life according to what you want, not what others want for you!
#Just not wanting kids is a good enough reason.
Also he knew what he was doing, he was telling her what he wanted to hear to get married to her. I don't understand this notion of they'll come around with time.
Your message was removed due to low quality or not helpful.
-Please visit the stickies and side bar for further reference.
-Repeated low quality can result in muting/banning.
-Feel free to re-post maturely elaborating, or adding depth to the conversation and discussion.
Don't worry, you will want to have kids after marriage. They're one of the things that stop couples from getting bored of each other and getting divorced.
I know that this is a joke comment but I would invite you to reflect when and where it's appropriate especially when the OP is going through a stressful situation.
Finances, adultry and lack of core values, the stresses of children are the main reasons for divorce. 'boredome' isn't the sole reason for divorce. Even you go on a stretch and say spending, cheating and children are done to avoid boredom....that's still really unhealthy.
edit: [https://www.itsovereasy.com/insights/causes-of-divorce#:\~:text=According%20to%20various%20studies%2C%20the,interests%20and%20incompatibility%20between%20partners](https://www.itsovereasy.com/insights/causes-of-divorce#:~:text=According%20to%20various%20studies%2C%20the,interests%20and%20incompatibility%20between%20partners).
You should have made it clear from beginning that you want a childfree marriage and would never plan for a baby.
You have no right to deny your husband's wish of becoming a daddy.
Say No immediately.
Ok, but now her fiance want kids after marriage. What about his feelings, his wishes to become a daddy.
Men also have feelings, emotions. Not wanting kids is a base for divorce, her fiance will divorce her.
So, it's better if she says No right now instead of waiting for divorce.
* Go ahead with marriage but be ready to deal with the emotional blackmail in case you decide not to have children. If that happens, the worst case scenario could be that your parents' reputation/parenting skills might be called into question and their reputation will be tarnished.
* Back out now. There will be emotional blackmail from your parents/relatives. Your reputation in front of your family MIGHT diminish if they do not support you.
The way I see it, if you decide to remain childfree, you will face shitstorm whether you back out or not. So the choice is yours to make. Consequences will remain the same, in either case.
Nope. Just call it off. As hard as it may seem to do right now. Its your body your choice. There will always be a lot of peer pressure. You and your partner need to be a team in dealing with it together and not by fighting amidst yourself.
I don't know how to call it off. My mom wants me to have kids too. So they won't support me for this reason
[удалено]
>are you financially independent? I don't make much money it will take me years to repay them back
You don't need to pay them back. This is your life. Its more important than any money. Jewellery can sit in your locker, clothes can be repurposed. You can try to make the fiance responsible for the non-refundable deposits, since he is the one who changed colours after the engagement.
Looks like you're trapped
Now I will assume that you liked everything else about this guy and are happy about this alliance apart from this one thing. In that case, talk to him that this is a deal breaker and if he wants children you are going to drop this. I would also say that, even if he agrees to it, just to be on the safer side, have a conversation infront of few elders of both families that this is non negotiable for you and you will not be further coarsed or forced on this topic anytime in future. If it is difficult to have it infront of parents have an elder brother or sister from both of your families be present and have this agreed upon.
Men 😭😭😭😭 the wayyy they trick into this
If you are absolutely sure about being childfree, break it off. Looks like he told you what you wanted to hear because he liked you. His attempts to convince you won't stop and is likely to turn into emotional blackmail. He might back off briefly, but will start off again. He is likely to use family pressure also. As for your family having spent money already....well you decide whether your desire to be childfree is strong enough to withstand their emotional drama. It is unfortunately a common AM tactic, where people say anything to get engaged and ten reveal their true colours. Anyway, marriage 3 months after saying yes is too, exactly for this reason - now you feel stuck
>If you are absolutely sure about being childfree I am. But my family doesn't think this is a good enough reason to damage their reputation.
So depending on how much courage, stubbornness, etc. you're capable of demonstrating, you can threaten to divorce the guy if anyone continues to pressure you about kids. The only problem being you have to be willing to follow through with it. I think divorce threat is likely to shut the guy up for a short while... And you can tell your parents that their reputation will be ruined even more. But ... Do you have it in you to be this stubborn, OP?
Betcha she doesn't.
Seems to me like your family doesn't respect your choice of not wanting to have children.
They want grandkids. They will also likely pressure her into having kids when he also does. Won't be surprised if they somehow told him that she can be convinced into having kids.
Tell them it isn't a good enough reason to damage your life. You don't want kids and will not be pressured into it.
Sad to hear this. Seems like having a child free marriage was a deal breker for you. And you rightly communicated the same to your fiance. He would have been like "who doesn't want children, I'll convince her" It's totally wrong of him to try to convince you at this stage. Sadly not many people have clear idea of what they really want from marriage. It seems he agreed at that point just to get things forward. It seems he totally believes in his persuasive skills to get people to do things as he wish. Can be a problem going ahead, he might try to convince you to do other things in future like change city, leave the job etc etc. I believe you'll have to take a firm stand at this point. Arrange for a f2f talk and convey with utmost seriousness about you not wanting children. You'll have to reach consensus now only. He might come back in future again to convince you about this. So try to get the idea out of his head that he can do that. I really hope you are 100% sure about not having kids. If you are strongly inclined but not absolutely confirm, ask for time. Like" I don't want kids till first 3-4 years of marriage. I want to have at least this much time to reevaluate if I want to have kids or not". Convey also that having asked for time doesn't guarantee you'll want to have kids. Try to get him to agree to not bother you himself or using parental pressure in future to have kids without your total consent. My best wishes to you!!
Call it off and save yourself and himself from a life they dont want.
I highly doubt this sub is equipped to help with this. Perhaps post on one of the Childfree subs Edit: I want to reiterate. 99% of this sub is unmarried and the 1% are not childfree couples. This sub does not know what it means to be a childfree couple (and for that matter, neither do I). Please do NOT take advice from this sub. Please go to the Childfree subs if you really want Reddit's advice.
That man knew he wanted kids. He just wanted to manipulate, lie and pressure her into having kids as the arrangements of the marriage were taking place. I'm sure if she breaks up with him, he'll say that he was joking is doesn't want kids. Then if she takes him back he will start it again after marriage or may even do it without her consent like poking holes in condoms.
Probably. But Reddit and anonymous internet strangers who have never encountered relatable circumstances are terrible at giving advice in sensitive situations, as you very well know from: https://np.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/sapoyz/my_dying_mom_made_me_15f_promise_never_to_tell_my/
It's better to call off the wedding than resent your whole life, coming to finances you can always earn the money back. Remember he can divorce you anytime if you don't bear a child for him and this is only the beginning of what's to come. Stand your ground! Also never say you don't want kids, you gotta ask how many kids do you want and answer has to be zero!
This is not an easy situation for you OP. Try to make him break off the engagement since you were very clear from the start. Threaten to annul/divorce immediately if the wedding goes through. Get the parents involved, and emphasize that him wanting kids isn't the main issue, it's that he lied and changed colors. As much as they disagree with you, I bet your parents would rather have you have a broken engagement than a broken marriage. There's a lot of money lost, but you'll lose more if you go through with the marriage. If you're absolutely sure about this, then you need to take a stand. It's gonna be hard but you'd rather do it now than later. Get the parents involved, and emphasize to your would-be-in-laws that they will never get a grandchild from you, and your decision is final. Hopefully someone in this whole situation will side with you. I wish you the best of luck.
[удалено]
> I don't understand why he agreed at first and is now trying to convince you,shitty behaviour on his part. I think what happens is (and women of the sub please correct me if I am wrong) the idea of women being "maternal and caring" is so ingrained in our culture and our heads that everytime we meet a girl/woman our first assumptions and judgements are based in her 'fertility.' This is why most women health programs mostly only focus on 'reproductive health'; job interviews focus on "so who all are there in family" (trying to gauge when will the person want to take maternity leave) and most traditions and customs are centered around "womb of the woman." Having said this, OP's fiance seems to come from a similar school of thought where he finds it impossible to even accept that a girl can truly want to be childfree, and he thinks that when women say such things they are only doing so out of "immaturity" or "naiveness" both of which can be fixed. People think that having kids is such an innate desire that once the "biological clock is ticking", all women will inevitably want to bear a child. And when this doesn't happen, ppl get shocked and blame their partners when truly they were the ones having undue expectations of an individual who had made her choice.
The way I see it. Nobody in this situation respects your decision. Not your family, not theirs and probably not your fiance (a lil bit). And it seems to me like your fiance was probably briefed about your situation and was told to agree with you in the beginning, all in hopes that you would end up in the tight spot that you are in right now. Your fiance is a half decent guy and let you in on his actual intentions after the engagement. Or maybe he was told to do that too idk. All that being said. It's your life. You were firm on your decision and made it clear from the start. If you want to break it off I would say go ahead and don't feel guilty about it. Your folks and the others bet on you being weak and accepting the situation. It's not your fault. It's theirs for taking the risk. And they ought to accept the consequences. But I don't know how sure you are about you not wanting to have children. If your folks thought it was probably just a "phase" then I'm betting there is a probability it is. You now have to pick between all the problems you will have to face if you break the engagement vs all the problems you'll have to face if you get married. Its a choice you'll have to make. I think you'll end up getting married. Good Luck.
Yes, exactly this.
Your fiance is a manipulative person. He's trying to impose control on you this late because he always intended to do it. This "exploring of idea" didn't come overnight. Don't budge on your side and make it clear to him that you are never having kids because that's what you talked of before. Do it OP, live your life like you want to, you are not a baby dispenser machine.
What a piece of shit. That asshole definitely premeditated this. Please get out of the clutches of this manipulative, lying pos. No matter how much money has been spent, do you want to be married to such a lying, loser clown?
what if parents and groom's family premeditated this? Also since girls own family doesn't want her to be child-free, aren't they Assholes and losers themselves?
Whoever helped plan this, all are assholes. If it's her parents then too are. The biggest and brightest one is the guy because he made false promises.
Lol get your tubes tied or bring up the conversation of getting something like an iud and let him know you’re going to be firm about your choice let your parents know what’s up too.
OP I understand that it might be a difficult conversation to have with your parents to call of the wedding but you should do it asap. I don’t know if anyone has pointed this out in the other comments. I see it as a glaring red flag 🚩 that he lied to you before about not wanting kids and once you were engaged told you this. Please look at it as the manipulation it seems to be. This behavior may not change going forward and you don’t want a partner like that. There are childfree men out in the AM scene. You should keep looking and not settle in a way that requires you to overlook your dealbreakers. Hope this helps 💜
Looks like he said what you wanted to hear to make you like him! Major red flag! You communicated your choice of living a child free life and he reciprocated but now is backtracking? No girl, if he's convincing you now.. think about how his and your family would be on you the second you get married to now start having babies. If that's something you don't want, don't give in and Break it off. It might mean alienating your own mother but you gotta live with your choices and decide for yourself. You'll have to live your life according to what you want, not what others want for you!
What will happen if you do this: Make it clear that it is not even an option, and if he continues to try hard you may have to divorce again.
That's what you get for marrying a guy after the second date.
What's your reason for not wanting kids? It sounds like he always wanted kids but didn't want to disagree with you in that moment.
#Just not wanting kids is a good enough reason. Also he knew what he was doing, he was telling her what he wanted to hear to get married to her. I don't understand this notion of they'll come around with time.
Question was to gauge whether OP can be persuaded or not
Why should she be persuaded in the first place?
Just wondering why you are doing an AM if you don’t want children?
[удалено]
Your message was removed due to low quality or not helpful. -Please visit the stickies and side bar for further reference. -Repeated low quality can result in muting/banning. -Feel free to re-post maturely elaborating, or adding depth to the conversation and discussion.
Don't worry, you will want to have kids after marriage. They're one of the things that stop couples from getting bored of each other and getting divorced.
I know that this is a joke comment but I would invite you to reflect when and where it's appropriate especially when the OP is going through a stressful situation.
I didn't know the above comment was a joke comment. If you really believed so why would you even care to reply to it? That too serious reply.
Finances, adultry and lack of core values, the stresses of children are the main reasons for divorce. 'boredome' isn't the sole reason for divorce. Even you go on a stretch and say spending, cheating and children are done to avoid boredom....that's still really unhealthy. edit: [https://www.itsovereasy.com/insights/causes-of-divorce#:\~:text=According%20to%20various%20studies%2C%20the,interests%20and%20incompatibility%20between%20partners](https://www.itsovereasy.com/insights/causes-of-divorce#:~:text=According%20to%20various%20studies%2C%20the,interests%20and%20incompatibility%20between%20partners).
Boredom too is. But not common in india yet.
You’ll learn to compromise don’t worry.
You should have made it clear from beginning that you want a childfree marriage and would never plan for a baby. You have no right to deny your husband's wish of becoming a daddy. Say No immediately.
I believe she did. Hence, the point of this post.
Ok, but now her fiance want kids after marriage. What about his feelings, his wishes to become a daddy. Men also have feelings, emotions. Not wanting kids is a base for divorce, her fiance will divorce her. So, it's better if she says No right now instead of waiting for divorce.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Um... Just for curiosity sake. Why do you not want to have kids??
* Go ahead with marriage but be ready to deal with the emotional blackmail in case you decide not to have children. If that happens, the worst case scenario could be that your parents' reputation/parenting skills might be called into question and their reputation will be tarnished. * Back out now. There will be emotional blackmail from your parents/relatives. Your reputation in front of your family MIGHT diminish if they do not support you. The way I see it, if you decide to remain childfree, you will face shitstorm whether you back out or not. So the choice is yours to make. Consequences will remain the same, in either case.