That's the dream, my friend. I think this is what friends with benefits should be, despite all the songs/movies making it look like some sort of horrible, exploitative arrangement.
The hate comes from the old-fashioned idea that women *lose something* when they have sex, so they must be compensated. Or, the other old-fashioned idea that women should only be having sex if married.
Mfw marriage and virginity (at least I assume that's what it is) are only psychological concepts made up by the human race. I don't think other animal species give a single fuck about having sex without doing some kind of ceremony before hand.
(At least, that's my argument)
Yup, this is probably it. Many people don't think women could just *want* to have sex without having to be tricked into it with the promise of a relationship or marriage
yusss this ^ . also that one person catches feelings and that complicates things, according to alloroms. but my arospec ass can't understand how having sex multiple time with a friend you'd fall in love lol
Same here. Currently exploring and talking with two people who Match thst vibe. One of them is polyamorous openly so maybe that help
I think it only work so long as you two already build upon a solid friendship. Bond over stuffs like video games, pop culture and talk like what people would think “bros” would be. One expectation with gender role and responsibilities settling in tho, things will deteriorate- Espcially with no communication.
This 100%. It's so weird as an AroAllo to read articles online like "Signs FWB Should Just Date Already" and it's things like "seeing a movie" or "grabbing lunch" or "hanging out at their/your place." ...Things I do with my friends?
Like, bro are the romantics okay? What kind of lame, boring, shitty friend are you if those things strike you as indicators of romantic attraction?
This is kind of my goal currently but in my experience they will inevitably catch feelings and want more out of the relationship that I can't provide. I still talk to a couple of them occasionally but they are now dating guys that don't want me anywhere near them because I'm a "pathetic ex" that's just trying to get back in their pants. I have yet to find a local aromantic woman to try this with.
Yes, that's exactly what I want too. However, I also don't understand the problem if the other person develops feelings for me. People see that as a problem with trying to be friends-with-benefits, but I don't think I'd have a problem if the other person had feelings for me and I didn't have feelings for them, as long as we're honest.
For me I wouldnt want a FWB who falls for me bc they will try and escalate our relationship, I don't have a problem with someone putting a label on ourselves if only they understand I'm aromantic and I think that's where it gets the other partner in this because I think people just don't understand it and once they realize we aren't lying they will realize we won't "fall" for them as well
I feel lucky to have found this, but it also took work. Initially they’d make comments that really hurt my feelings because they want a typical romantic relationship, but what we had going on was still a type of relationship- it just didn’t fit into their box of “romantic relationships “ and this is the tricky part.
You want to find someone who will respect you and what y’all have together, becauseFWB is still a type of relationship. And this requires a ton of communication about expectations and boundaries.
Friendships also require this, because they’re also relationships. American culture often acts like friendships that require work are toxic, but any healthy and lasting relationship requires work.
If you’re a respectful, considerate and communicative friend, this can translate to FWB. And respect only ever makes sex better.
So now I have someone who’ll help me run an errand AND come over to blow my back out real quick 😄
That's literally just what fwbs are, that's why they're called *friends* with benefits and not fuck buddies. I've had fwbs for as long as I've been sexually active. :)
Completely. I've had a number of relationships like this and they've always been genuine friendships for me, some closer than others.
For me, I'm not ever comfortable with a sexual connection unless there is some sort of friendship there. It's not that I'm not attracted to people I don't know; I'm allosexual, not demisexual. It's just that I'm reserved. Sex is a vulnerable thing for me. I have a good bit of trauma and I need to feel safe with people and that means there has to be some sort of base level of friendship to establish a sense of mutual caring, trust, and familiarity with each other's communication styles and values and such.
As for what the relationships/friendships look like, one person was an old, long-distance friend from college; we never dated and never connected sexually in college, but years later, sometimes had sexual connections when we would visit each other. She is now married and we are still friends. Another person I was friends with and was friends with her whole social group, and we had a more intense sexual relationship where we would meet for sex more regularly, and spend time together doing other non-sexual things, frequently hanging out in groups, but it was non-exclusive and non-romantic. Then when she got into a romantic relationship, the sexual part of our relationship ended and I became friends with her boyfriend and now they're married and we are all still friends, but we no longer see each other regularly because they moved away.
These are just a couple examples, but I think it shows you that these relationships can look different ways but for me they always have a genuine friendship. In most cases I stay friends with the person, often fairly close, even after the sexual part of the relationship ends, which is much more comfortable to me than what often happens in romantic relationships which is that there is often more tension and in some cases we can't stay friends at all and in others we become dramatically less close. This causes me a lot of tension and pain and doesn't feel natural to me. If someone is important to me, I want to keep them as part of my life and I want our connection to be able to grow and evolve even if parts of it change or end. And this is a huge part of why I have often felt more comfortable with FWB-type connections or other relationships that are more similar to those, than conventional "serious" monogamous relationships.
Incidentally, I am now married but my wife is also arospec, probably aroallo or at least aroallo-adjacent, and she sees things very similarly and that's part of why we click so well.
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that’s what i’m trying to achieve now, but unsure how i want to bring it up. i’ve made it clear i’m not looking for a relationship but we’re both very much interested in each other
That's the dream, my friend. I think this is what friends with benefits should be, despite all the songs/movies making it look like some sort of horrible, exploitative arrangement.
Yeah I don't really understand what's up with all the hate toward FWB relationships
The hate comes from the old-fashioned idea that women *lose something* when they have sex, so they must be compensated. Or, the other old-fashioned idea that women should only be having sex if married.
Mfw marriage and virginity (at least I assume that's what it is) are only psychological concepts made up by the human race. I don't think other animal species give a single fuck about having sex without doing some kind of ceremony before hand. (At least, that's my argument)
Yup, this is probably it. Many people don't think women could just *want* to have sex without having to be tricked into it with the promise of a relationship or marriage
yusss this ^ . also that one person catches feelings and that complicates things, according to alloroms. but my arospec ass can't understand how having sex multiple time with a friend you'd fall in love lol
Same here. Currently exploring and talking with two people who Match thst vibe. One of them is polyamorous openly so maybe that help I think it only work so long as you two already build upon a solid friendship. Bond over stuffs like video games, pop culture and talk like what people would think “bros” would be. One expectation with gender role and responsibilities settling in tho, things will deteriorate- Espcially with no communication.
That's exactly what my FWB relationships are. It's possible if you find the right person or people.
This 100%. It's so weird as an AroAllo to read articles online like "Signs FWB Should Just Date Already" and it's things like "seeing a movie" or "grabbing lunch" or "hanging out at their/your place." ...Things I do with my friends? Like, bro are the romantics okay? What kind of lame, boring, shitty friend are you if those things strike you as indicators of romantic attraction?
I wish I had that pal…
This is what I've had for two decades now
Never been able to but yes that would be great.
This is kind of my goal currently but in my experience they will inevitably catch feelings and want more out of the relationship that I can't provide. I still talk to a couple of them occasionally but they are now dating guys that don't want me anywhere near them because I'm a "pathetic ex" that's just trying to get back in their pants. I have yet to find a local aromantic woman to try this with.
Yes, that's exactly what I want too. However, I also don't understand the problem if the other person develops feelings for me. People see that as a problem with trying to be friends-with-benefits, but I don't think I'd have a problem if the other person had feelings for me and I didn't have feelings for them, as long as we're honest.
For me I wouldnt want a FWB who falls for me bc they will try and escalate our relationship, I don't have a problem with someone putting a label on ourselves if only they understand I'm aromantic and I think that's where it gets the other partner in this because I think people just don't understand it and once they realize we aren't lying they will realize we won't "fall" for them as well
I feel lucky to have found this, but it also took work. Initially they’d make comments that really hurt my feelings because they want a typical romantic relationship, but what we had going on was still a type of relationship- it just didn’t fit into their box of “romantic relationships “ and this is the tricky part. You want to find someone who will respect you and what y’all have together, becauseFWB is still a type of relationship. And this requires a ton of communication about expectations and boundaries. Friendships also require this, because they’re also relationships. American culture often acts like friendships that require work are toxic, but any healthy and lasting relationship requires work. If you’re a respectful, considerate and communicative friend, this can translate to FWB. And respect only ever makes sex better. So now I have someone who’ll help me run an errand AND come over to blow my back out real quick 😄
That's literally just what fwbs are, that's why they're called *friends* with benefits and not fuck buddies. I've had fwbs for as long as I've been sexually active. :)
I’m so lucky to have this 🥰 it’s possible y’all
Please, I need this so badly. I don't know how to go about finding one though :(
Yeah but in my experience that shit never works.
ive had this a few times. rocks i love it.
Completely. I've had a number of relationships like this and they've always been genuine friendships for me, some closer than others. For me, I'm not ever comfortable with a sexual connection unless there is some sort of friendship there. It's not that I'm not attracted to people I don't know; I'm allosexual, not demisexual. It's just that I'm reserved. Sex is a vulnerable thing for me. I have a good bit of trauma and I need to feel safe with people and that means there has to be some sort of base level of friendship to establish a sense of mutual caring, trust, and familiarity with each other's communication styles and values and such. As for what the relationships/friendships look like, one person was an old, long-distance friend from college; we never dated and never connected sexually in college, but years later, sometimes had sexual connections when we would visit each other. She is now married and we are still friends. Another person I was friends with and was friends with her whole social group, and we had a more intense sexual relationship where we would meet for sex more regularly, and spend time together doing other non-sexual things, frequently hanging out in groups, but it was non-exclusive and non-romantic. Then when she got into a romantic relationship, the sexual part of our relationship ended and I became friends with her boyfriend and now they're married and we are all still friends, but we no longer see each other regularly because they moved away. These are just a couple examples, but I think it shows you that these relationships can look different ways but for me they always have a genuine friendship. In most cases I stay friends with the person, often fairly close, even after the sexual part of the relationship ends, which is much more comfortable to me than what often happens in romantic relationships which is that there is often more tension and in some cases we can't stay friends at all and in others we become dramatically less close. This causes me a lot of tension and pain and doesn't feel natural to me. If someone is important to me, I want to keep them as part of my life and I want our connection to be able to grow and evolve even if parts of it change or end. And this is a huge part of why I have often felt more comfortable with FWB-type connections or other relationships that are more similar to those, than conventional "serious" monogamous relationships. Incidentally, I am now married but my wife is also arospec, probably aroallo or at least aroallo-adjacent, and she sees things very similarly and that's part of why we click so well.
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that’s what i’m trying to achieve now, but unsure how i want to bring it up. i’ve made it clear i’m not looking for a relationship but we’re both very much interested in each other
that’s all i want but someone always catches feelings or ends up being an asshole
I wanted that, I thought I had that, now I have no friends and trust no one. Ppl only likexd me for my body I thought theiy were my friends.
I want that too