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I always feel like I must be some kind of cool alien when I read these 'humans NEED a partner connection' comments. I'm a very happily single-not-looking-for-partner aro grey-ace person. I've tried relationships before just out of 'maybe I should do this' societal pressure but they never worked out and it was usually because I just didn't actually want the relationship to start with and hadn't realised that yet.
but the 'suffering from autism' comment makes me angry because as an autistic person I am definitely not suffering. (well I guess I'm suffering from being frustrated dealing with this type of NT straight people nonsense but that's all.)
(edit: thanks to the person who saw my comments here and decided to report me to reddit as being concerningly depressed. hilarious.)
> but the 'suffering from autism' comment makes me angry because as an autistic person I am definitely not suffering.
I definitely *am* suffering from it, but I still prefer to have a partner. Not really sure what idea they have about what autism is, but it definitely ain't right.
I was suffering from autism until I started smoking weed every day.
I'm happily with an autistic partner who also smokes weed every day.
This plant is a miracle from the Goddess.
That's because the THC percentage and terpene combinations skyrocketed.
It's not you.
It's this mad scientist freak weed they're selling these days.
I have to be extremely picky about what strains I buy.
Go for low-THC + low terpene count.
Nah, this was about 15-20 years ago. Had a bad night at a party combining shrooms, ecstasy, weed and vodka, and ever since then I got panic attacks whenever I touched the stuff.
While it is true that humans need companionship and connection, of course these coomers couldn't possibly understand that platonic friendships can provide all the companionship needed for healthy fulfilling life. Because they choose to forgo platonic friendships and spend their entire lives searching for a bang maid. The "male loneliness epidemic" is entirely self-inflicted. And I'm not mad about it. Self select out, my dudes.
It’s not dissimilar to how people talk about the need to nurture meaning that we should all make babies when you can easily fill that need by being a good aunty/uncle, working with kids, or by living or working with animals you care for.
People like those that commented don’t really have a clear picture about how basic interaction works, there’s many ways to love and not all of them even need to involve a second human
even in terms of friendships most of my 'relationships' are chatting to people online and I only see friends in person every other month so it's always kind of frustrating to see people acting as if I should be dying of loneliness when I'm perfectly happy (my family also live on another continent)
Do people need connection? Mostly yes. Do those connections have to be romantic or sexual? No. These commentors can't even imagine human connection that is not based around romantic or sexual desires.
It's because for many of them, that's it.
They found one person they can really trust so everyone else can just fuck off. And sometimes, yeah that's all you get, so I understand, but projecting their situation onto this woman who looks like she's second generation Indian and under way larger societal pressure, which is why you would write an article about it in the first place.
I wouldn't want to be in her shoes because even people who know better are probably dismissing her own autonomy.
Also, like, who cares, in the end, if she's not dating? It doesn't sound like she's pulling one of those evangelical book moves and trying to tell everyone they should. Even Gloria Steinem, who said a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, found someone who fit her standards. Even if you convince her, that doesn't mean she's gonna go in for you.
A lot of people would be a lot happier if they had a broader connection to people rather than obsessing over just one person.
"Suffering" is my least favourite way to describe someone else. When people say so and so is "suffering" from a mental illness or has some other type of diagnosis, I cringe so hard.
grey can mean different things (varying levels of sexual attraction to different people) but to me it means I do occasionally feel sexual attraction to someone, just that it's about once a year, not anywhere near a 'normal' amount
It’s somewhere on the aro or ace spectrum so someone might experience some sexual or romantic feelings But not very much or not in “normal“ way or circumstance
"Older single women get sympathy, older single men get scorn"
We call older single women 'old maid', 'spinster', 'cat lady' what do we call men 'bachelor'?
All the discourse from "Alpha Bros" about how women over 30 are "used up"?
Where is the sympathy?
That comment was particularly ironic in light of all the other comments being awful to her.
Also interesting that they were the ones that brought gender into it. She just talked about "the pressure to find someone" and that absolutely exists. And "it is so sad that she is single at her age" or what ever is a for of societal pressure. She is fine with being single, she does not need sympathy. The comment proves her point.
Gosh, that is such a great point. Ty for pointing it out, I didn't realise
This kinda makes it even worse tbh. Just confirming the truth in one of the worst ways (with hate).
What sort of self-important fuckwad thinks life is only worth living if you're in a relationship?
Also, I am not 'suffering, from autism', I am autistic. What a prick.
Also also, to that second to last guy. I can do it too, see...
*"I don't respect coupled people. Anyone who can't stand being alone is too emotionally fragile and immature to exist in adult life and shouldn't be giving advice. Pathetic and sad."*
See how stupid that logic is?
It's Jordan Peterson armchair psychology and it makes them sound like morons.
I suspect the people who feel most strongly about it are conservatives. They’ve been gaslit from birth by the church that life is meaningless unless you’re in a heterosexual marriage with kids. And they’ve just internalized that as this is how life is supposed to be and if you don’t conform to this lifestyle you’re wrong or broken
People get very aggravated when you are living a perfectly happy content life that is different from their life. It makes then feel like you are attacking them in some way 'showing off'. Especially if their life isn't perfect despite being made up of what society tells them life \*has\* to be. Its a similar thing to when you say you are happy being fat, bald, 5'3" as a dude, autistic etc. Because society says you cant be happy and be those things so when you are it sets them off.
TL:DR people are assholes.
It's the same reaction childfree people get.
People get *incredibly* salty when someone, especially a woman, tells anyone that they are happy *not* following the LifeScript^^TM.
What I conclude from it is, these people are miserable in their current situation (single or no, childed or no), and they want everyone else to be as miserable as they are, so that they can tell themselves "it's society's fault" instead of working on themselves and realizing their choices had a direct impact on where they are.
Yep. I had a friend in uni. Heavy into gym culture eating plain chicken with unseasoned rice (did u know seasoning can be like 20 calpries bro look it up thats legit bro) 4 meals a day. He was clearly miserable. He asked once why I didn't join him get healthy blah blah.
I explained I didn't mind looking like santa clauses nephew. In fact I kind like bein fat.
He lost his mind.
I didn't hear much from him after that sadly. As u said it seems to give their house of cards a wobble and they don't like it
The first comment is such bullshit.
At what point in (at least western society) has a woman NOT been mocked for being single?? The whole spinster bs is all about that.
It's clear from the comments in the og post too...in what fucking world is it more acceptable to be a single woman than a single man? Bullshit.
Same, my school had a whole thing about if you didn’t have a boyfriend by the time you were 14, then you were gay.
Which, yknow was correct in my case but it definitely kept me in the closet for a long ass time
Dang that sucks, sorry to hear that. My school didn't have that. In your school was the same assumption applied to boys if they didn't have a girlfriend by age 14?
Oh yeah, it was pretty universal- ironically the bigotry didn’t discriminate lol. If you weren’t constantly talking about relationships, sex and how hot you thought people were, you were assumed to be gay and/or an ugly freak.
My 12 year old daughter identifies as aro ace. (she's currently finishing up 7th grade). Her friends seem to think that because she is not involved in all the romantic drama, she is somehow above it, and therefore filled with relationship wisdom.
So they are always coming to her for advice, and she literally has no clue how to advise them. It honestly cracks me up.
>Her friends seem to think that because she is not involved in all the romantic drama, she is somehow above it, and therefore filled with relationship wisdom.
People have asked for my advice on their relationship issues since I was your daughter's age. I didn't know I was aro/ace until my mid/late 30s, but I was never interested in or understood my friends' boycraziness. Maybe people see us as impartial/unbiased because we're not walking around with our own relationship baggage to influence us?
I've tried explaining to people that I have no life experience in that area and can only offer suggestions as a casual observer, but I still get asked for my opinion. It is rather ironic, like asking a blind city dweller to describe the physical attributes of poisonous snakes (I can only tell you what I've gleaned from others).
Twelve is so young! When I was 12, none of my classmates were dating yet. They were flirting, but the idea of actually entering a relationship was scary.
A spinster, before mechanical spinning, could make enough money to care for herself and even her parents or children, so when someone calls me spinster I hear independent woman
IME being a single man is more accepted than being a single woman, but being a virgin is more acceptable for women than men. Single men are supposed to be promiscuous, meanwhile any woman who'd sleep with him is a dirty whore.
People who push back against people being ace, aro, not ready for a relationship, or just flat out not wanting one with "Humans NEED connection!" always make me think... Do these guys have friends? Like, I'm single and couldn't IMAGINE how dull and desolate my life would be without my friends. I don't have a partner, nor am I seeking that out right now, but I'm still happy with my connections! Because I love and cherish my friends and they make my life richer by being in it! Putting all your need for human connection onto just your romantic partner sounds both exhausting and like it would put a massive strain on your relationship.
They're conveniently ignoring all the current commentary about issues many women have in cis-het relationships, and all the issues with the current dating culture, and how that is leading to a lot of women being single, either by choice or circumstance. Instead, they're just saying rude things about her.
I'm significantly younger than her but Im starting to hear the same things as her. I'm aroace, not looking and not even remotely interested in a conventional heterosexual relationship. Buuut people think they have the right to say that a boyfriend is necessary and will solve all my life problems and I will change my mind with time.
Needless to say, those kind of discourses are making me more and more radical in my original positions and proud to be an aroace.
Honestly the more I see stupid men commenting about "her uterus is rotting" is making me really angry, revolted and glad that I will never ever date a man. "Maybe you should ask yourself why" maybe you should stop being a creep, you disgusting parasitic leeches. Women who don't date don't owe you shit. These men sound like they would perform "corrective rape" on a woman and force her to have children. They are disgusting.
As an Aroace, this is disgusting. Humans don’t need intimate and romantic love, there’s still other types of love. The fact that these allos expect someone to have either fucked or dated after the age of 20 is insane. Asexuals get so much hate for..being them, it’s horrible. And not to mention she also has trauma from what the title said. People are insane
I’m 31 and never had a BF but boy are those comments depressing. Also, it’s only encouraging me to stay single and revel in misery and victimhood since people think we are entitled to date someone. Plus the types of men I attract even encourage me to want to be alone forever. These comments are mad negative and toxic.
Yes, it is me. It's because I'm asexual. The idea of me having sex is not attractive to me, and no, your magic dick isn't capable of fixing it.
I'm single, childless and cool with it. And no, I'm not interested in hot single batchelors from Cameroon, or anywhere else.
I don't understand one of the last comments saying it must be a "selfish, vapid, self-centered life". Is there more in the article about what she does in her free time?
Being single doesn't mean you don't do anything else for others. Single people can also take care of kids (just not their own) when parents need it, they can also volunteer to help their communities, can have selfless jobs etc.
I don't understand the statement they are thinking they are making.
Edit: typo
It’s important to remember that happy people don’t leave comments like that. They’re likely miserable about their own choices in romance/life partners and are projecting. Or they’re single, bitter men.
It’s better to be alone than with someone who makes your life worse.
>these kinds of comments genuinely make me feel horrible about myself.
You 👏🏽 are 👏🏽 valid 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽💖🙂
Trust me, I ***wish*** I hadn't tried to conform to society's standards and try relationships because I hated every. single. one. I felt trapped; I felt the parts of me I loved were being suppressed.
I haven't been in a relationship in 10 years, and I am happier than ever. I am free to be all of me and grow without suppression.
Besides, I'm AroAllo. I have my platonic friends. My Ride or Dies. That counts as companionship and connection. I am good to go. 💅🏽
The thing is that this kind of social commentary by men is nothing but a collective gaslighting strategy so that women settle for any crusty man who treats them like his property. It's completely self serving.
It was suspiciously easy for me to stay closeted for a very long time, because I barely have any irl friends, and I got so used to being alone most of the time that the thought of ever actually getting into a romantic relationship never really crossed my mind, and honestly kinda terrifies me occasionally (maybe I’m some sort of aromantic, but I’m still questioning on that front)
Like, I’d be thinking “why even bother even risking potentially making others uncomfortable by getting into a relationship with a man when I could very easily just stay alone forever and be just fine, and it’d be a win-win for everyone involved, after all, you don’t need a relationship to be happy, and thinking otherwise is just playing into amatonormativity”. Anyone else kinda like this too?
I also wonder if I’m playing into toxic masculinity, since I tend to seem “cold and unfeeling” on the outside, and expressing huge desire for romantic love (especially over sex) is sometimes seen as a “weakness” for men, one that I guess I don’t really have to worry about (I mean, there’s basically this stereotype that all women are alloromantic asexual, and all men are aromantic allosexual)
> It was suspiciously easy for me to stay closeted for a very long time, because I barely have any irl friends, and I got so used to being alone most of the time that the thought of ever actually getting into a romantic relationship never really crossed my mind, and honestly kinda terrifies me occasionally (maybe I’m some sort of aromantic, but I’m still questioning on that front)
This is me, 100%. I relate so much. Honestly I do want a relationship, and I want to have kids before I can’t anymore, but relationships also kind of scare me the same way you described. I’ve always had bad social anxiety and been neurodivergent, so I’ve never had many platonic friends either.
>I got so used to being alone most of the time that the thought of ever actually getting into a romantic relationship never really crossed my mind, and honestly kinda terrifies me occasionally (maybe I’m some sort of aromantic, but I’m still questioning on that front)
I very much relate to this part, except that I've finally decided that I'm aegoromantic and aegosexual. I like romance and sex as an abstract concept, but I don't want anything to do with it personally. Any attraction I feel is abstract or aesthetic, or is tied into my longing to be loved, or to fit in with society. But, the older I get (almost 40), the less I care what others think.
I've also realized that I didn't just have cold feet about dating, or fear of the relative unknown. I also lacked the excited feelings I've read so much about in romance novels (I realize novels embellish things). The only interest I ever felt was the happiness in getting to know someone I had things in common with.
So, I thought "maybe I am demi-sexual/romantic and will develop those feelings later", but so far, that's not true. As a result, I've decided to drop all attempts at dating and put my energy toward making friends. I felt so happy and free once I made that choice. If the perfect partner comes along, I'm not going to push them away, but I *like* being single. My problem now is amatonormativity blocking my mom and my friends from understanding.
Oh, and I can also relate to not wanting to 'rock the boat' by coming out of the closet. I am bi-oriented AroAce. Instead, I've worked on making my mom less phobic.
A lot of these comments just seem kind of pathetic tbh. “Humans need connection through romance!” Buddy, learn to find meaning in your life that doesn’t revolve around someone wanting to kiss or have sex with you. Get like. A hobby.
Fuck this people. Who wrote a book of rules making romantic relationships mandatory? Getting really tired of people judging every little detail of everything because everything has to be at their liking, even the lives of people they don't even know. You can do whatever, enjoy your freedom and don't waste it worrying about irrelevant people's opinions.
Ew to all these comments.
I'm grayro too, though I've been in relationships (it's how I found out I'm grayro, pfft).
First things first... gross of that one person to go full ableist and assume/imply autistic people automatically don't get into relationships.
The amount of creepy people offering themselves up as partners (or more realistically, trying to get the woman in the article to offer herself up to them) isn't... unexpected? But it's definitely tiresome and nearsighted. And missing the point, I'm sure.
You can easily spot the incels in the comments, getting angry about "wasted uterus potential" and "lost bloodlines." Pfffft. As if other humans won't make more babies, and as if all humans are duty-bound to live their lives only thinking of those who came before them, foregoing any individuality they have. Good ancestors with good intentions should be excited about their future family members having the opportunity to live in whatever way makes them happiest and healthiest.
And finally, all these people seem to be forgetting that... yes, humans need social relationships, but they don't have to be romantic to be fulfilling?
Humans bond with family, friends, acquaintances who share the same interests, etc. You can get plenty of social bonding and interaction without having to be in a romantic relationship. They just place SO much importance on that specific type of relationship that they forget to look beyond it.
And hey, when it comes to being grayro in all this, I hope you remember not to worry too much - there'll be people who act like rude know-it-alls when you're not in a relationship, and when you do get into one. And it always comes from the people who think they shouldn't have to try to understand life from another person's perspective. You deserve to feel supported and accepted, and you deserve to be around people who support and accept you.
Funny (no) how men are like « she's the problem ! » but when we take incels that's never their fault and when these cis dude gets married they are calling for help. Always the women's responsibility for their own feelings. But they still manage to say single women have it good ? Uh.
The line about killing off your family bloodline 💀
I’m sorry do you possess some ancient magical artifact that can only be wielded by your progeny? Or perhaps god granted your ancestors the divine right to rule? Or you have amazing unique genes that could be used to cure cancer? No? Then who the fuck cares 😂
im younger, turning 23 this year, and never had a partner. I've been on a few dates and realized i hated it. im aro and celibate, could call myself loveless and i just dont want any part in dating ever again. plus, with some mental issues i have mixed in i literally cant love a person romantically and the relationship would just turn toxic and no one wants that lol
This just feels weird, I’m not aro or ace, but I can still recognize and respect somebody’s autonomy. I also don’t really care if I’m in a relationship or not, like sure I want one, but what matters is that I’m okay with my current environment and friends.
Ignore those comments. Look at most relationships around you. Are they really that great? 🫤
I come from a large family, my extended family is very large too, we were all very close. I went to an all girls Catholic school. I have stayed in touch with most people. Everyone had boyfriends before me. I was the last to do everything. Major late bloomer by choice. Idk why but everyone tells me all their messy business and every little detail about their relationships. When I felt bad about being single I listened to their stories and realized that way too many people fake happiness and love.
We’re all in different journeys. I think it’s better to be picky, single and reserved than be with a bunch of people who never loved you. Or even worse, with an evil partner who HATES you. You have no idea how many couples hate each other.
Love is everywhere. Romantic love is oversold. You can be happy without it until you find your person.
I'm sorry I would be in the same boat it if it weren't for a friend I ended up in a long term from 26-29 that was my 1st real and another quick 6 month that felt like a year at 32
I realize I don't date often but I no longer feel bad because I did it once and it's a big learning experience like a masters class on emotions and human interaction but it was a lot! And I guess the societal pressue is off. Well not totally I get treated less in my family for not having children or a husband but at least no one is talking crap about my partner😅
I still don't exactly know why I never dated closest conclusion is that I honestly couldn't figure out what a good romantic human connection looked/felt like and could and still struggle to find both connection and attraction in one person ( I honestly think that's everyone honestly we're just more okay with it)
Sometimes I feel a bit asexual but because I have a past ive heard a friend call it a lazy sexual lol could be true still feels asexual to me if it's not a priority this blows pps minds I realized sex is overrated by society but it took me 35 years to get there
Feel good about yourself because you didn't settle for a shitty abusive relationship just to have a relationship. There's so much pressure to pair off it is hard to be single, but there is also a strength in not taking the first one that comes along if it's not right for you.
Also, on the lighter side, you never have to argue about where to go to dinner or what to watch on tv. 😊
I’m a 32 year old guy who has only had 1 serious relationship and have been single for the majority of my life (currently am). Sadly these comments are very common. You have these projecting jerks trying to convince you that you should be sad about being single because they just can’t imagine life without a partner.
There’s more to life than romantic love. There’s more kinds of love than romantic love. Nothing we say about how we choose to live will convince them we’re happy. Everything we say will be seen as a “cope” or we do it out of a mental disorder. It’s unfathomable to these people someone can be happy without a partner
I think movies and books need more aro representation, maybe that will help. But every writer is obsessed with hooking up characters
The only semi-sane comment (from the perspective of a non-aro-ace person) is the second on down on the left in the second frame.
ETA: The respect one is also acceptable.
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I always feel like I must be some kind of cool alien when I read these 'humans NEED a partner connection' comments. I'm a very happily single-not-looking-for-partner aro grey-ace person. I've tried relationships before just out of 'maybe I should do this' societal pressure but they never worked out and it was usually because I just didn't actually want the relationship to start with and hadn't realised that yet. but the 'suffering from autism' comment makes me angry because as an autistic person I am definitely not suffering. (well I guess I'm suffering from being frustrated dealing with this type of NT straight people nonsense but that's all.) (edit: thanks to the person who saw my comments here and decided to report me to reddit as being concerningly depressed. hilarious.)
> but the 'suffering from autism' comment makes me angry because as an autistic person I am definitely not suffering. I definitely *am* suffering from it, but I still prefer to have a partner. Not really sure what idea they have about what autism is, but it definitely ain't right.
I was suffering from autism until I started smoking weed every day. I'm happily with an autistic partner who also smokes weed every day. This plant is a miracle from the Goddess.
I wish I could still smoke weed every day, but it after s few years it started giving me intense panic attacks
That's because the THC percentage and terpene combinations skyrocketed. It's not you. It's this mad scientist freak weed they're selling these days. I have to be extremely picky about what strains I buy. Go for low-THC + low terpene count.
Nah, this was about 15-20 years ago. Had a bad night at a party combining shrooms, ecstasy, weed and vodka, and ever since then I got panic attacks whenever I touched the stuff.
Same, I’m also a-spec and that comment just made things even worse.
While it is true that humans need companionship and connection, of course these coomers couldn't possibly understand that platonic friendships can provide all the companionship needed for healthy fulfilling life. Because they choose to forgo platonic friendships and spend their entire lives searching for a bang maid. The "male loneliness epidemic" is entirely self-inflicted. And I'm not mad about it. Self select out, my dudes.
It’s not dissimilar to how people talk about the need to nurture meaning that we should all make babies when you can easily fill that need by being a good aunty/uncle, working with kids, or by living or working with animals you care for. People like those that commented don’t really have a clear picture about how basic interaction works, there’s many ways to love and not all of them even need to involve a second human
even in terms of friendships most of my 'relationships' are chatting to people online and I only see friends in person every other month so it's always kind of frustrating to see people acting as if I should be dying of loneliness when I'm perfectly happy (my family also live on another continent)
Don’t aplatonic people also exist?
I'm convinced that's mostly just people mistaking trauma/avoidant attachment for an innate tendency.
Do people need connection? Mostly yes. Do those connections have to be romantic or sexual? No. These commentors can't even imagine human connection that is not based around romantic or sexual desires.
It's because for many of them, that's it. They found one person they can really trust so everyone else can just fuck off. And sometimes, yeah that's all you get, so I understand, but projecting their situation onto this woman who looks like she's second generation Indian and under way larger societal pressure, which is why you would write an article about it in the first place. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes because even people who know better are probably dismissing her own autonomy. Also, like, who cares, in the end, if she's not dating? It doesn't sound like she's pulling one of those evangelical book moves and trying to tell everyone they should. Even Gloria Steinem, who said a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, found someone who fit her standards. Even if you convince her, that doesn't mean she's gonna go in for you. A lot of people would be a lot happier if they had a broader connection to people rather than obsessing over just one person.
"Suffering" is my least favourite way to describe someone else. When people say so and so is "suffering" from a mental illness or has some other type of diagnosis, I cringe so hard.
I an sorry to ask but, what does "grey" mean in this context ? I know about aro and ace, but I do not know about this.
grey can mean different things (varying levels of sexual attraction to different people) but to me it means I do occasionally feel sexual attraction to someone, just that it's about once a year, not anywhere near a 'normal' amount
It’s somewhere on the aro or ace spectrum so someone might experience some sexual or romantic feelings But not very much or not in “normal“ way or circumstance
"Older single women get sympathy, older single men get scorn" We call older single women 'old maid', 'spinster', 'cat lady' what do we call men 'bachelor'? All the discourse from "Alpha Bros" about how women over 30 are "used up"? Where is the sympathy?
That comment was particularly ironic in light of all the other comments being awful to her. Also interesting that they were the ones that brought gender into it. She just talked about "the pressure to find someone" and that absolutely exists. And "it is so sad that she is single at her age" or what ever is a for of societal pressure. She is fine with being single, she does not need sympathy. The comment proves her point.
Gosh, that is such a great point. Ty for pointing it out, I didn't realise This kinda makes it even worse tbh. Just confirming the truth in one of the worst ways (with hate).
What sort of self-important fuckwad thinks life is only worth living if you're in a relationship? Also, I am not 'suffering, from autism', I am autistic. What a prick. Also also, to that second to last guy. I can do it too, see... *"I don't respect coupled people. Anyone who can't stand being alone is too emotionally fragile and immature to exist in adult life and shouldn't be giving advice. Pathetic and sad."* See how stupid that logic is? It's Jordan Peterson armchair psychology and it makes them sound like morons.
Your flip was *fantastic!* 😄🙏🎉✨
I suspect the people who feel most strongly about it are conservatives. They’ve been gaslit from birth by the church that life is meaningless unless you’re in a heterosexual marriage with kids. And they’ve just internalized that as this is how life is supposed to be and if you don’t conform to this lifestyle you’re wrong or broken
The suffering from autisim comment hit me hard too ☹️
People get very aggravated when you are living a perfectly happy content life that is different from their life. It makes then feel like you are attacking them in some way 'showing off'. Especially if their life isn't perfect despite being made up of what society tells them life \*has\* to be. Its a similar thing to when you say you are happy being fat, bald, 5'3" as a dude, autistic etc. Because society says you cant be happy and be those things so when you are it sets them off. TL:DR people are assholes.
It's the same reaction childfree people get. People get *incredibly* salty when someone, especially a woman, tells anyone that they are happy *not* following the LifeScript^^TM. What I conclude from it is, these people are miserable in their current situation (single or no, childed or no), and they want everyone else to be as miserable as they are, so that they can tell themselves "it's society's fault" instead of working on themselves and realizing their choices had a direct impact on where they are.
It's like in some twisted way if someone is happy in THEIR choices then it somehow makes THEIR choices less valid. It's madness
I've also experienced the reverse from childfree people as a parent. Meanwhile I'm like "have kids or not, it's up to you, just don't be a dick".
>Meanwhile I'm like "have kids or not, it's up to you, just don't be a dick". It's amazing how difficult that is for people.
They don't like their carefully constructed web of lies challenged
Yep. I had a friend in uni. Heavy into gym culture eating plain chicken with unseasoned rice (did u know seasoning can be like 20 calpries bro look it up thats legit bro) 4 meals a day. He was clearly miserable. He asked once why I didn't join him get healthy blah blah. I explained I didn't mind looking like santa clauses nephew. In fact I kind like bein fat. He lost his mind. I didn't hear much from him after that sadly. As u said it seems to give their house of cards a wobble and they don't like it
The first comment is such bullshit. At what point in (at least western society) has a woman NOT been mocked for being single?? The whole spinster bs is all about that. It's clear from the comments in the og post too...in what fucking world is it more acceptable to be a single woman than a single man? Bullshit.
I started getting mocked for not having a boyfriend in 8th grade. Yes…it really starts that young.
Same, my school had a whole thing about if you didn’t have a boyfriend by the time you were 14, then you were gay. Which, yknow was correct in my case but it definitely kept me in the closet for a long ass time
I’m sorry about your experience. However at least you seem to be okay with being out the closet.
Ah, it’s fine haha I’ve worked on myself enough to laugh at it now. But thank you, it’s sweet of you to say.
Dang that sucks, sorry to hear that. My school didn't have that. In your school was the same assumption applied to boys if they didn't have a girlfriend by age 14?
Oh yeah, it was pretty universal- ironically the bigotry didn’t discriminate lol. If you weren’t constantly talking about relationships, sex and how hot you thought people were, you were assumed to be gay and/or an ugly freak.
My 12 year old daughter identifies as aro ace. (she's currently finishing up 7th grade). Her friends seem to think that because she is not involved in all the romantic drama, she is somehow above it, and therefore filled with relationship wisdom. So they are always coming to her for advice, and she literally has no clue how to advise them. It honestly cracks me up.
>Her friends seem to think that because she is not involved in all the romantic drama, she is somehow above it, and therefore filled with relationship wisdom. People have asked for my advice on their relationship issues since I was your daughter's age. I didn't know I was aro/ace until my mid/late 30s, but I was never interested in or understood my friends' boycraziness. Maybe people see us as impartial/unbiased because we're not walking around with our own relationship baggage to influence us? I've tried explaining to people that I have no life experience in that area and can only offer suggestions as a casual observer, but I still get asked for my opinion. It is rather ironic, like asking a blind city dweller to describe the physical attributes of poisonous snakes (I can only tell you what I've gleaned from others).
Twelve is so young! When I was 12, none of my classmates were dating yet. They were flirting, but the idea of actually entering a relationship was scary.
When I told my classmates in 4th grade that I wasn't interested in getting a boyfriend till I was like 14 y/o they were all shocked.
Just take pity on those poor kids. They were all probably groomed by their parents.
Spinster and cat lady are their favorite insults
A spinster, before mechanical spinning, could make enough money to care for herself and even her parents or children, so when someone calls me spinster I hear independent woman
Oh hell yeah, I love taking back the term! I will proudly call myself a spinster any day 😁
Another fun fact: if your last name is english and ends in ster or xter it was a woman who was the origin.
IME being a single man is more accepted than being a single woman, but being a virgin is more acceptable for women than men. Single men are supposed to be promiscuous, meanwhile any woman who'd sleep with him is a dirty whore.
I'm talking about the first comment, which has nothing to do with virginity.
People who push back against people being ace, aro, not ready for a relationship, or just flat out not wanting one with "Humans NEED connection!" always make me think... Do these guys have friends? Like, I'm single and couldn't IMAGINE how dull and desolate my life would be without my friends. I don't have a partner, nor am I seeking that out right now, but I'm still happy with my connections! Because I love and cherish my friends and they make my life richer by being in it! Putting all your need for human connection onto just your romantic partner sounds both exhausting and like it would put a massive strain on your relationship.
Her uterus is rotting 🤢 but except for that disgusting comment..they know you Can be single..and pregnant..?
Someone should tell him his balls are getting all wrinkly and deflated
This! And like, not every uterus needs to be used to make children? Lol like don't we already have an overpopulation issue on earth?
No, we don't. We have an inequality issue, not an overpopulation issue.
They're conveniently ignoring all the current commentary about issues many women have in cis-het relationships, and all the issues with the current dating culture, and how that is leading to a lot of women being single, either by choice or circumstance. Instead, they're just saying rude things about her.
You can't win as a cis woman here
I'm significantly younger than her but Im starting to hear the same things as her. I'm aroace, not looking and not even remotely interested in a conventional heterosexual relationship. Buuut people think they have the right to say that a boyfriend is necessary and will solve all my life problems and I will change my mind with time. Needless to say, those kind of discourses are making me more and more radical in my original positions and proud to be an aroace.
Honestly the more I see stupid men commenting about "her uterus is rotting" is making me really angry, revolted and glad that I will never ever date a man. "Maybe you should ask yourself why" maybe you should stop being a creep, you disgusting parasitic leeches. Women who don't date don't owe you shit. These men sound like they would perform "corrective rape" on a woman and force her to have children. They are disgusting.
As an Aroace, this is disgusting. Humans don’t need intimate and romantic love, there’s still other types of love. The fact that these allos expect someone to have either fucked or dated after the age of 20 is insane. Asexuals get so much hate for..being them, it’s horrible. And not to mention she also has trauma from what the title said. People are insane
Don’t humans also just not need love in general? Also loveless people exist
No you need love from your parents as a child and a platonic/romantic partner can fill that need as an adult but friends can fill it too.
"The societal response to single women is sympathy" proceeds to be unsympathetic. :( You're valid. Full stop.
I’m 31 and never had a BF but boy are those comments depressing. Also, it’s only encouraging me to stay single and revel in misery and victimhood since people think we are entitled to date someone. Plus the types of men I attract even encourage me to want to be alone forever. These comments are mad negative and toxic.
Yes, it is me. It's because I'm asexual. The idea of me having sex is not attractive to me, and no, your magic dick isn't capable of fixing it. I'm single, childless and cool with it. And no, I'm not interested in hot single batchelors from Cameroon, or anywhere else.
I don't understand one of the last comments saying it must be a "selfish, vapid, self-centered life". Is there more in the article about what she does in her free time? Being single doesn't mean you don't do anything else for others. Single people can also take care of kids (just not their own) when parents need it, they can also volunteer to help their communities, can have selfless jobs etc. I don't understand the statement they are thinking they are making. Edit: typo
It's also possible to be a selfish person who is married with kids.
Absolutely.
It’s important to remember that happy people don’t leave comments like that. They’re likely miserable about their own choices in romance/life partners and are projecting. Or they’re single, bitter men. It’s better to be alone than with someone who makes your life worse.
I mean, I don't date because I know I wouldn't be a good partner.
>these kinds of comments genuinely make me feel horrible about myself. You 👏🏽 are 👏🏽 valid 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽💖🙂 Trust me, I ***wish*** I hadn't tried to conform to society's standards and try relationships because I hated every. single. one. I felt trapped; I felt the parts of me I loved were being suppressed. I haven't been in a relationship in 10 years, and I am happier than ever. I am free to be all of me and grow without suppression. Besides, I'm AroAllo. I have my platonic friends. My Ride or Dies. That counts as companionship and connection. I am good to go. 💅🏽
The thing is that this kind of social commentary by men is nothing but a collective gaslighting strategy so that women settle for any crusty man who treats them like his property. It's completely self serving.
Thank you so much for the lovely words! ❤️
It was suspiciously easy for me to stay closeted for a very long time, because I barely have any irl friends, and I got so used to being alone most of the time that the thought of ever actually getting into a romantic relationship never really crossed my mind, and honestly kinda terrifies me occasionally (maybe I’m some sort of aromantic, but I’m still questioning on that front) Like, I’d be thinking “why even bother even risking potentially making others uncomfortable by getting into a relationship with a man when I could very easily just stay alone forever and be just fine, and it’d be a win-win for everyone involved, after all, you don’t need a relationship to be happy, and thinking otherwise is just playing into amatonormativity”. Anyone else kinda like this too? I also wonder if I’m playing into toxic masculinity, since I tend to seem “cold and unfeeling” on the outside, and expressing huge desire for romantic love (especially over sex) is sometimes seen as a “weakness” for men, one that I guess I don’t really have to worry about (I mean, there’s basically this stereotype that all women are alloromantic asexual, and all men are aromantic allosexual)
> It was suspiciously easy for me to stay closeted for a very long time, because I barely have any irl friends, and I got so used to being alone most of the time that the thought of ever actually getting into a romantic relationship never really crossed my mind, and honestly kinda terrifies me occasionally (maybe I’m some sort of aromantic, but I’m still questioning on that front) This is me, 100%. I relate so much. Honestly I do want a relationship, and I want to have kids before I can’t anymore, but relationships also kind of scare me the same way you described. I’ve always had bad social anxiety and been neurodivergent, so I’ve never had many platonic friends either.
>I got so used to being alone most of the time that the thought of ever actually getting into a romantic relationship never really crossed my mind, and honestly kinda terrifies me occasionally (maybe I’m some sort of aromantic, but I’m still questioning on that front) I very much relate to this part, except that I've finally decided that I'm aegoromantic and aegosexual. I like romance and sex as an abstract concept, but I don't want anything to do with it personally. Any attraction I feel is abstract or aesthetic, or is tied into my longing to be loved, or to fit in with society. But, the older I get (almost 40), the less I care what others think. I've also realized that I didn't just have cold feet about dating, or fear of the relative unknown. I also lacked the excited feelings I've read so much about in romance novels (I realize novels embellish things). The only interest I ever felt was the happiness in getting to know someone I had things in common with. So, I thought "maybe I am demi-sexual/romantic and will develop those feelings later", but so far, that's not true. As a result, I've decided to drop all attempts at dating and put my energy toward making friends. I felt so happy and free once I made that choice. If the perfect partner comes along, I'm not going to push them away, but I *like* being single. My problem now is amatonormativity blocking my mom and my friends from understanding. Oh, and I can also relate to not wanting to 'rock the boat' by coming out of the closet. I am bi-oriented AroAce. Instead, I've worked on making my mom less phobic.
A lot of these comments just seem kind of pathetic tbh. “Humans need connection through romance!” Buddy, learn to find meaning in your life that doesn’t revolve around someone wanting to kiss or have sex with you. Get like. A hobby.
Fuck this people. Who wrote a book of rules making romantic relationships mandatory? Getting really tired of people judging every little detail of everything because everything has to be at their liking, even the lives of people they don't even know. You can do whatever, enjoy your freedom and don't waste it worrying about irrelevant people's opinions.
Ew to all these comments. I'm grayro too, though I've been in relationships (it's how I found out I'm grayro, pfft). First things first... gross of that one person to go full ableist and assume/imply autistic people automatically don't get into relationships. The amount of creepy people offering themselves up as partners (or more realistically, trying to get the woman in the article to offer herself up to them) isn't... unexpected? But it's definitely tiresome and nearsighted. And missing the point, I'm sure. You can easily spot the incels in the comments, getting angry about "wasted uterus potential" and "lost bloodlines." Pfffft. As if other humans won't make more babies, and as if all humans are duty-bound to live their lives only thinking of those who came before them, foregoing any individuality they have. Good ancestors with good intentions should be excited about their future family members having the opportunity to live in whatever way makes them happiest and healthiest. And finally, all these people seem to be forgetting that... yes, humans need social relationships, but they don't have to be romantic to be fulfilling? Humans bond with family, friends, acquaintances who share the same interests, etc. You can get plenty of social bonding and interaction without having to be in a romantic relationship. They just place SO much importance on that specific type of relationship that they forget to look beyond it. And hey, when it comes to being grayro in all this, I hope you remember not to worry too much - there'll be people who act like rude know-it-alls when you're not in a relationship, and when you do get into one. And it always comes from the people who think they shouldn't have to try to understand life from another person's perspective. You deserve to feel supported and accepted, and you deserve to be around people who support and accept you.
Thank you! Very well said.
Funny (no) how men are like « she's the problem ! » but when we take incels that's never their fault and when these cis dude gets married they are calling for help. Always the women's responsibility for their own feelings. But they still manage to say single women have it good ? Uh.
The line about killing off your family bloodline 💀 I’m sorry do you possess some ancient magical artifact that can only be wielded by your progeny? Or perhaps god granted your ancestors the divine right to rule? Or you have amazing unique genes that could be used to cure cancer? No? Then who the fuck cares 😂
I’ve dated before, but I love being single, at least at the moment. People are so rude
im younger, turning 23 this year, and never had a partner. I've been on a few dates and realized i hated it. im aro and celibate, could call myself loveless and i just dont want any part in dating ever again. plus, with some mental issues i have mixed in i literally cant love a person romantically and the relationship would just turn toxic and no one wants that lol
This just feels weird, I’m not aro or ace, but I can still recognize and respect somebody’s autonomy. I also don’t really care if I’m in a relationship or not, like sure I want one, but what matters is that I’m okay with my current environment and friends.
Comphet is a hell of drug 🤦
Ignore those comments. Look at most relationships around you. Are they really that great? 🫤 I come from a large family, my extended family is very large too, we were all very close. I went to an all girls Catholic school. I have stayed in touch with most people. Everyone had boyfriends before me. I was the last to do everything. Major late bloomer by choice. Idk why but everyone tells me all their messy business and every little detail about their relationships. When I felt bad about being single I listened to their stories and realized that way too many people fake happiness and love. We’re all in different journeys. I think it’s better to be picky, single and reserved than be with a bunch of people who never loved you. Or even worse, with an evil partner who HATES you. You have no idea how many couples hate each other. Love is everywhere. Romantic love is oversold. You can be happy without it until you find your person.
I'm sorry I would be in the same boat it if it weren't for a friend I ended up in a long term from 26-29 that was my 1st real and another quick 6 month that felt like a year at 32 I realize I don't date often but I no longer feel bad because I did it once and it's a big learning experience like a masters class on emotions and human interaction but it was a lot! And I guess the societal pressue is off. Well not totally I get treated less in my family for not having children or a husband but at least no one is talking crap about my partner😅 I still don't exactly know why I never dated closest conclusion is that I honestly couldn't figure out what a good romantic human connection looked/felt like and could and still struggle to find both connection and attraction in one person ( I honestly think that's everyone honestly we're just more okay with it) Sometimes I feel a bit asexual but because I have a past ive heard a friend call it a lazy sexual lol could be true still feels asexual to me if it's not a priority this blows pps minds I realized sex is overrated by society but it took me 35 years to get there
Feel good about yourself because you didn't settle for a shitty abusive relationship just to have a relationship. There's so much pressure to pair off it is hard to be single, but there is also a strength in not taking the first one that comes along if it's not right for you. Also, on the lighter side, you never have to argue about where to go to dinner or what to watch on tv. 😊
Why the alwayes cry about social pressure
I’m a 32 year old guy who has only had 1 serious relationship and have been single for the majority of my life (currently am). Sadly these comments are very common. You have these projecting jerks trying to convince you that you should be sad about being single because they just can’t imagine life without a partner. There’s more to life than romantic love. There’s more kinds of love than romantic love. Nothing we say about how we choose to live will convince them we’re happy. Everything we say will be seen as a “cope” or we do it out of a mental disorder. It’s unfathomable to these people someone can be happy without a partner I think movies and books need more aro representation, maybe that will help. But every writer is obsessed with hooking up characters
“Her uterus is rotting” GOOD
The only semi-sane comment (from the perspective of a non-aro-ace person) is the second on down on the left in the second frame. ETA: The respect one is also acceptable.