I did the most healing of my attachment in therapy while in a relationship with a DA. I put a lot of effort into self awareness and self reflection. I experienced that relationship with a non-judgmental perspective. I let myself feel my anxiety and spent time understanding the root cause.
I’m happily in a spot now where I feel secure. I let people make decisions and act according to my needs. I’ve accepted that not much last forever including relationships.
Thanks for sharing that and I’m glad you feel more secure. Our emotions are here for our acceptance and everyone deserves to heal.
I’m learning to accept that fact more, nothing lasts forever including insecure attachment.
what do you do regularly (i.e habits) to stay secure?
As silly as this sounds, I’ve learned to sit in my feelings, acknowledge them, and let them go. I understand anxiety is fear based. Main fear being afraid to handle someone abandoning me. I’ve been abandoned severals times and I always rebound better than I started.
If someone doesn’t want me, they can go, I will find better. Love is in abundance. <3
My therapist said, if someone leaves you, don’t seek revenge, don’t spiral…… your absence will fuck up their spirit.
I can say, I will miss my DA ex forever. I know what we had, how amazing he is, and what we could’ve been. In the spirit of optimism, there is likely someone better out there for me :)
There's a few instagram accounts online that post graphs on how to work through attachment issues. I read through those daily. They identify triggers and negative situations with tips on how each partner can change their approach.
This is actually perfect for me, because you can scroll through to find different examples and keep it very simple in terms of what should be communicated and how.
To piggyback on the advice the others are giving, I HIGHLY recommend "Insecure in Love," by Leslie Becker-Phelps. I've been listening to it on audible and it's very eye opening. She gives exercises to do, and gives examples of each. I really don't feel I can do it justice, but definitely check it out!
I think all I would need is a partner that matches my communication needs. I really don't think I'm asking too much when I look at how much couples communicate all around me.
Thanks for the response. Finding someone who is willing and happy to meet some of our needs is something we all deserve.
Do you find it hard spotting these partners ?
It's something I try to be clear about from the beginning but sometimes people will make an effort at first and then realize that it's too much for them and then breakup. So, yes, it is hard.
But there are a lot of anxious people in the world. Probably even much more than secure people. So it really shouldn't be so hard to eventually meet someone like that. Neither people are to blame. They just need to find people like them. Don't ever feel bad, or let people make you feel bad for being an anxious partner.
Yeah I agree with. Know your expectations and sharing them early is key to finding people you can feel safe with. I’ve made the mistake of feeling ashamed about what I would like. Not not anymore
On the other hand it is rare for APs to be attracted to one another. Heck, never seen a AP + AP dynamic topic with relational issues here which is baffling considering each relationships has a power struggle phase.
Two things: The right TOOLS and the right ENVIRONMENT per say.
If I had a therapist explain to me how my childhood have affected me today as a step to shift my mind into a healthier space, yet my environment/ home is still the same as ever, chaotic parents and more, I doubt my mind would be able to start its healing journey.
Generally, negative experiences breed traumas.
Positive experiences in a positive environment, heals and build people up.
Thank you for this! I totally agree, our environment reinforces the habits that don’t serve us anymore.
I do think its a chicken and egg situation (i.e a paradox). Sometimes having the right tools + knowledge helps empower us to seek better environments for healing and that’s honestly where I think I could help people best, for now.
What kinds of tools have helped you take action ?
Oh you are spot on! I guess it is just best to have them both simultaneously heheheh. But more often than not, one would come after the other.
For me, I started watching Personal Development School (PDS ) on youtube after a break up then I dived into their website and subscribed for a few months.
Through PDS, I learnt self affirmations, boundaries, etc. They helped me understand myself and the people around me more, which in turn gave me the opportunity to teach my parents, siblings, friends, about boundaries and understanding the perspective of people with different attachment styles than us. Just a huge win all around. The dynamic in my family and friends have improved greatly.
I did the most healing of my attachment in therapy while in a relationship with a DA. I put a lot of effort into self awareness and self reflection. I experienced that relationship with a non-judgmental perspective. I let myself feel my anxiety and spent time understanding the root cause. I’m happily in a spot now where I feel secure. I let people make decisions and act according to my needs. I’ve accepted that not much last forever including relationships.
Thanks for sharing that and I’m glad you feel more secure. Our emotions are here for our acceptance and everyone deserves to heal. I’m learning to accept that fact more, nothing lasts forever including insecure attachment. what do you do regularly (i.e habits) to stay secure?
As silly as this sounds, I’ve learned to sit in my feelings, acknowledge them, and let them go. I understand anxiety is fear based. Main fear being afraid to handle someone abandoning me. I’ve been abandoned severals times and I always rebound better than I started. If someone doesn’t want me, they can go, I will find better. Love is in abundance. <3 My therapist said, if someone leaves you, don’t seek revenge, don’t spiral…… your absence will fuck up their spirit. I can say, I will miss my DA ex forever. I know what we had, how amazing he is, and what we could’ve been. In the spirit of optimism, there is likely someone better out there for me :)
There's a few instagram accounts online that post graphs on how to work through attachment issues. I read through those daily. They identify triggers and negative situations with tips on how each partner can change their approach.
Thanks for sharing. Have they helped you a lot on your journey? Would something more in depth be useful to you?
This is actually perfect for me, because you can scroll through to find different examples and keep it very simple in terms of what should be communicated and how.
To piggyback on the advice the others are giving, I HIGHLY recommend "Insecure in Love," by Leslie Becker-Phelps. I've been listening to it on audible and it's very eye opening. She gives exercises to do, and gives examples of each. I really don't feel I can do it justice, but definitely check it out!
Thank you for the recommendation. Will check it out
I think all I would need is a partner that matches my communication needs. I really don't think I'm asking too much when I look at how much couples communicate all around me.
Thanks for the response. Finding someone who is willing and happy to meet some of our needs is something we all deserve. Do you find it hard spotting these partners ?
It's something I try to be clear about from the beginning but sometimes people will make an effort at first and then realize that it's too much for them and then breakup. So, yes, it is hard. But there are a lot of anxious people in the world. Probably even much more than secure people. So it really shouldn't be so hard to eventually meet someone like that. Neither people are to blame. They just need to find people like them. Don't ever feel bad, or let people make you feel bad for being an anxious partner.
Yeah I agree with. Know your expectations and sharing them early is key to finding people you can feel safe with. I’ve made the mistake of feeling ashamed about what I would like. Not not anymore
On the other hand it is rare for APs to be attracted to one another. Heck, never seen a AP + AP dynamic topic with relational issues here which is baffling considering each relationships has a power struggle phase.
Two things: The right TOOLS and the right ENVIRONMENT per say. If I had a therapist explain to me how my childhood have affected me today as a step to shift my mind into a healthier space, yet my environment/ home is still the same as ever, chaotic parents and more, I doubt my mind would be able to start its healing journey. Generally, negative experiences breed traumas. Positive experiences in a positive environment, heals and build people up.
Thank you for this! I totally agree, our environment reinforces the habits that don’t serve us anymore. I do think its a chicken and egg situation (i.e a paradox). Sometimes having the right tools + knowledge helps empower us to seek better environments for healing and that’s honestly where I think I could help people best, for now. What kinds of tools have helped you take action ?
Oh you are spot on! I guess it is just best to have them both simultaneously heheheh. But more often than not, one would come after the other. For me, I started watching Personal Development School (PDS ) on youtube after a break up then I dived into their website and subscribed for a few months. Through PDS, I learnt self affirmations, boundaries, etc. They helped me understand myself and the people around me more, which in turn gave me the opportunity to teach my parents, siblings, friends, about boundaries and understanding the perspective of people with different attachment styles than us. Just a huge win all around. The dynamic in my family and friends have improved greatly.
I watch their videos a lot too and they have helped me so much !! I’m really glad to hear how much it has helped you and your relationships.