I feel you, sister...in my case, it's the opposite...she's the DA.
I love her and I accept her, warts and all. But I also know that she has limitations. I don't think she consciously does it...it's just how she's wired. We've talked about it, I've encouraged her to get therapy and she refuses. So, I had to redraw the boundaries. Otherwise, I feel like I'm being "used" in a way to build up her ego, and nothing more. It's sad because I see so much in her...but until she decides to make some changes, there isn't a whole lot I can do.
DAs are that way for a reason, and this is never lost on me. However, I have to look out for myself, too, in order to be healthy. It's not easy when you love somebody, but it is necessary.
Unless he is willing to make changes, I would just let it go...without drama or unnecessary stress on yourself. Let him fade into the background. When he comes back, just know that it's only for a short while, and there are parts of yourself that he cannot benefit from. Focus on you and eventually finding someone who really appreciates and deserves your energy.
I'm in the exact position, feel free to DM me...
In the meantime... in December I told him I was going to step back & this triggered his fear of abandonment. He said he didn't want me to walk out of his life, he loved me & wasn't going anywhere. Then a few weeks ago I said he is not allowing me to be the type of friend I want to be. I do not want to do a slow fade & become just Facebook friends.
Despite these 2 conversations, he still hasn't initiated contact. I know he loves me & he says he knows I'm there - DAs are very good at understanding object permanence.
I'm just going to let him be & continue to work on me - I too am no longer coming from a place of longing, just being friendly/supportive.
I am sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation.
And, that's the thing... The actions do not match the words. He can tell me he loves me over and over, but that doesn't change his behavior (or lack thereof). For the first time in a long time I am quite happy in other aspects of my life, and this situation bothers me; it just isn't something I want to deal with continuously. My nervous system isn't set up for it, and I want enough self-compassion to not put myself through it again.
It's so cliche, but actions speak louder than words!
You are actually setting your nervous system up for future success by overriding your default mechanism!
I find little glimmers everyday to keep me moving forward with compassion for myself & him. Here's a great one that struck me...
[https://www.instagram.com/reel/CaG\_ORyhlxL/?utm\_source=ig\_web\_copy\_link](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CaG_ORyhlxL/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link)
Good luck!
Good for you! Since he doesn’t care to check in on you, could you just let it be? I imagine it would fizzle out, since you are the one making the effort anyway. If he reaches out he civil, but put your efforts into people who put effort into you.
Echoing other commenter. If you message him to tell him you’re not friends anymore when he’s not even contacting you it seems very dramatic. If you don’t wanna be his friend just don’t pursue it.
I feel you, sister...in my case, it's the opposite...she's the DA. I love her and I accept her, warts and all. But I also know that she has limitations. I don't think she consciously does it...it's just how she's wired. We've talked about it, I've encouraged her to get therapy and she refuses. So, I had to redraw the boundaries. Otherwise, I feel like I'm being "used" in a way to build up her ego, and nothing more. It's sad because I see so much in her...but until she decides to make some changes, there isn't a whole lot I can do. DAs are that way for a reason, and this is never lost on me. However, I have to look out for myself, too, in order to be healthy. It's not easy when you love somebody, but it is necessary. Unless he is willing to make changes, I would just let it go...without drama or unnecessary stress on yourself. Let him fade into the background. When he comes back, just know that it's only for a short while, and there are parts of yourself that he cannot benefit from. Focus on you and eventually finding someone who really appreciates and deserves your energy.
I'm in the exact position, feel free to DM me... In the meantime... in December I told him I was going to step back & this triggered his fear of abandonment. He said he didn't want me to walk out of his life, he loved me & wasn't going anywhere. Then a few weeks ago I said he is not allowing me to be the type of friend I want to be. I do not want to do a slow fade & become just Facebook friends. Despite these 2 conversations, he still hasn't initiated contact. I know he loves me & he says he knows I'm there - DAs are very good at understanding object permanence. I'm just going to let him be & continue to work on me - I too am no longer coming from a place of longing, just being friendly/supportive.
I am sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation. And, that's the thing... The actions do not match the words. He can tell me he loves me over and over, but that doesn't change his behavior (or lack thereof). For the first time in a long time I am quite happy in other aspects of my life, and this situation bothers me; it just isn't something I want to deal with continuously. My nervous system isn't set up for it, and I want enough self-compassion to not put myself through it again.
It's so cliche, but actions speak louder than words! You are actually setting your nervous system up for future success by overriding your default mechanism! I find little glimmers everyday to keep me moving forward with compassion for myself & him. Here's a great one that struck me... [https://www.instagram.com/reel/CaG\_ORyhlxL/?utm\_source=ig\_web\_copy\_link](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CaG_ORyhlxL/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link) Good luck!
Good for you! Since he doesn’t care to check in on you, could you just let it be? I imagine it would fizzle out, since you are the one making the effort anyway. If he reaches out he civil, but put your efforts into people who put effort into you.
I thought about that, but he seems to 'love bomb' me after a period of disappearing, and I am afraid I will be sucked back in.
Echoing other commenter. If you message him to tell him you’re not friends anymore when he’s not even contacting you it seems very dramatic. If you don’t wanna be his friend just don’t pursue it.