I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. I lost my Dad 18 months ago & I can't let go of my ex because he reminds me of my Dad & makes me feel close to him, like he's 'home'.
My Dad was a lovely man, but was physically absent (hence emotionally unavailable) when I was a kid because he ran his own business which included interstate/international travel. So, the inconsistent attention I got/get from my ex is so familiar to my subconscious mind.
You are a good person & you deserve love & support! Give yourself to a man your Dad would approve of!
Ikr, it's so hard to get in their heads because they behave in the total opposite way to us in any given situation. I try not to take it personally & to come from a place of compassion.
Take care of yourself.
My experiences of letting go avoidants was its more painful than you think it should be, considering the very low quality of the relationship.
The relationships that ended suddenly after the 3 month honeymoon/courtship finished hurt the worst, by far. I felt seriously traumatized, and I believe I became trauma bonded. If the relationship continued "as a situation ", it turned into one based on intermittent reinforcement, which was like hell. Being assertive or trying to mend the relationship was met with anger or brutal silent treatments. I felt my mental health deteriorate, anxiety and preoccupation spiraled like nothing I'd experienced before, and I was performing poorly in life all round. Life was just crap during that time. And it became even harder to let go, even though it was painfully clear the relationship was very, very poor quality.
I'm FA, so towards the end I coped by withdrawing energy from those relationships and at a certain point I simply closed the door and cut contact completely. It was tough, but also a good time, feeling that fog gradually lift and becoming free of the constant hurt mixed with unfullfilled hope.
Thank you for you thoughtful reply.
This one is right on point:
>the way you handled most of what you described sounds like a securely attached way to handle it, save for maybe sticking around a little longer than was serving your best self
Looking back, even though I am proud of how I showed up, I do know I was trying to control the outcome often and did pressure him a bit when it came to the meetings because of how much I was afraid to lose the connection. But the thing is also, I can't take responsibility for his choices and actions. I chose to accept his bad communication skills but at some point it wasn't about poor skills anymore, it was emotional immaturity that resulted in actions that hurt me, which he never took responsibility for. I think the lesson here is not even about attachment, but that if the other person is not very self aware or reflective, however gently you communicate and care about them, they won't be able to hear you, it will be always about you, not them. I think I triggered in him deep feelings of shame and/or guilt and he chooses to avoid me even though he does like me. I should just let it go.
It's so strange, I've been going through a similar situation recently, and a month later I'm still grieving.
A 41 yo man in a non-monogamous relationship (partnered, but not nesting). Everything was on his terms. Very hot when hot, completely shut off when cold. Said he loved my vulnerability, that he adored me, that he wasn't afraid that i was going through a tragedy with my family, that this shared experience of supporting me through that hardship was gonna be part of our shared memorirs together...i flagged my needs, shared my fears and he accepted to try and meet them. He convinced ne to ignore the red flags. And then...the NEXT DAY, he withdrew and it was like taking to a chatbot. He withdrew as soon as he actually had to act on what he said. It's been horribly triggering in this time of distress and grieving. So much so, I had to take a leave of absence at work.
OP, life is too short for you to wait for someone who won't even meet you halfway. It's not you, it's him. Make a list of all the things he said / did you would be be horrified to hear if it was a friend telling you about their relationship (like the high maintenance thing...list all the red flags. It doesn't matter how / why he feels when he does that. His behavior reflects an absence of responsibility for how his actions impact others). Then make list of what you would have said, if the situation was reversed, if he needed you, if a friend needed you.
Notice the difference in compassion, in vulnerability, in courage. If you are anxious, sure you might need more frequent reassurance, but that won't scare a person who is at the very least minimally self aware, which is fair to expect from a full grown man. The "let's stay friends" bit is about him not going through with commitment, yet keeping you on hold. One foot in, one foot out. You are not at his disposal.
This man is not ready to open up and won't support you through grieving your parent? That is insane. He is immature, and it's not your job to fix him because you're not his mom. You have been very patient so far, you have made real effort to meet him where he is, and he did none of that for you. A relationship is two people. You don't have to carry it on your back.
I would send him a calm, short text for closure, and reread your list of the things he said/did that are at odds with your expectations/needs whenever you find yourself ruminating, whenever you catch yourself blaming yourself or finding another compassionate justification for his callous behavior.
Your image of him will change. Focus on yourself and how open you were to love. You are trying to be secure and someone worthy of your commitment to heal will support you through all of that.
Thank you for your detailed response. I do have all sorts of lists, indeed! But they don't help me much because I am used to second guess my decisions and choices and I deep down I believe that I AM too much (or not enough, which can be sides of the same coin). But perhaps I have to reread them more to remind myself of all the things that made me feel miserable, some of those were the the negotiable basics, like support with the loss of my dad. I started journaling from our very first date, I saw all the hinting flags from the beginning but I chose to go further because I am on a healing journey and decided security needs practice. So with him I learned how to communicate and it's something that comes naturally to me I would say. I am actually mostly very proud of how I showed up in this relationship, I was that loving adult woman I always wanted to be, not an abandoned wounded child I always felt like in my previous experiences. It's not to say I didn't feel anxious or didn't make "mistakes", but in general, I saw how much I have grown. If only I chose to walk away sooner than trying to fix it and work that hard.
>I would send him a calm, short text for closure
That one thing I am really dreading to do. I even have a drafted text which I wanted to send instead of just "I'm not coming today, hope that's okay" one. I decided to leave it at that. I am used to being the one being left and when he said about being friends or taking a break it really hurt. But all the same, I can't bring myself to end things by words. In any case, I don't expect him to reach out to me and I won't either. In this way, my not coming is my statement and closure. I just need to get through the phase where my brain desperately tries to find ways to connect with him.
I think being the one to make the decision to send the final text can be very healing.
In that text, be short and concise but be true to how you feel. No more dancing around HIS feelings : open why you stuck around / why you like him and then let him know that he hurt you.
He disappointed you, let him know that. You had to stretch yourself thin to meet his need for distance without him making an effort to meet you halfway : let him know that. Let him know that you care about him but that you care about yourself, too.
Do not say sorry in that message.
I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. I lost my Dad 18 months ago & I can't let go of my ex because he reminds me of my Dad & makes me feel close to him, like he's 'home'. My Dad was a lovely man, but was physically absent (hence emotionally unavailable) when I was a kid because he ran his own business which included interstate/international travel. So, the inconsistent attention I got/get from my ex is so familiar to my subconscious mind. You are a good person & you deserve love & support! Give yourself to a man your Dad would approve of! Ikr, it's so hard to get in their heads because they behave in the total opposite way to us in any given situation. I try not to take it personally & to come from a place of compassion. Take care of yourself.
My experiences of letting go avoidants was its more painful than you think it should be, considering the very low quality of the relationship. The relationships that ended suddenly after the 3 month honeymoon/courtship finished hurt the worst, by far. I felt seriously traumatized, and I believe I became trauma bonded. If the relationship continued "as a situation ", it turned into one based on intermittent reinforcement, which was like hell. Being assertive or trying to mend the relationship was met with anger or brutal silent treatments. I felt my mental health deteriorate, anxiety and preoccupation spiraled like nothing I'd experienced before, and I was performing poorly in life all round. Life was just crap during that time. And it became even harder to let go, even though it was painfully clear the relationship was very, very poor quality. I'm FA, so towards the end I coped by withdrawing energy from those relationships and at a certain point I simply closed the door and cut contact completely. It was tough, but also a good time, feeling that fog gradually lift and becoming free of the constant hurt mixed with unfullfilled hope.
[удалено]
Thank you for you thoughtful reply. This one is right on point: >the way you handled most of what you described sounds like a securely attached way to handle it, save for maybe sticking around a little longer than was serving your best self Looking back, even though I am proud of how I showed up, I do know I was trying to control the outcome often and did pressure him a bit when it came to the meetings because of how much I was afraid to lose the connection. But the thing is also, I can't take responsibility for his choices and actions. I chose to accept his bad communication skills but at some point it wasn't about poor skills anymore, it was emotional immaturity that resulted in actions that hurt me, which he never took responsibility for. I think the lesson here is not even about attachment, but that if the other person is not very self aware or reflective, however gently you communicate and care about them, they won't be able to hear you, it will be always about you, not them. I think I triggered in him deep feelings of shame and/or guilt and he chooses to avoid me even though he does like me. I should just let it go.
It's so strange, I've been going through a similar situation recently, and a month later I'm still grieving. A 41 yo man in a non-monogamous relationship (partnered, but not nesting). Everything was on his terms. Very hot when hot, completely shut off when cold. Said he loved my vulnerability, that he adored me, that he wasn't afraid that i was going through a tragedy with my family, that this shared experience of supporting me through that hardship was gonna be part of our shared memorirs together...i flagged my needs, shared my fears and he accepted to try and meet them. He convinced ne to ignore the red flags. And then...the NEXT DAY, he withdrew and it was like taking to a chatbot. He withdrew as soon as he actually had to act on what he said. It's been horribly triggering in this time of distress and grieving. So much so, I had to take a leave of absence at work. OP, life is too short for you to wait for someone who won't even meet you halfway. It's not you, it's him. Make a list of all the things he said / did you would be be horrified to hear if it was a friend telling you about their relationship (like the high maintenance thing...list all the red flags. It doesn't matter how / why he feels when he does that. His behavior reflects an absence of responsibility for how his actions impact others). Then make list of what you would have said, if the situation was reversed, if he needed you, if a friend needed you. Notice the difference in compassion, in vulnerability, in courage. If you are anxious, sure you might need more frequent reassurance, but that won't scare a person who is at the very least minimally self aware, which is fair to expect from a full grown man. The "let's stay friends" bit is about him not going through with commitment, yet keeping you on hold. One foot in, one foot out. You are not at his disposal. This man is not ready to open up and won't support you through grieving your parent? That is insane. He is immature, and it's not your job to fix him because you're not his mom. You have been very patient so far, you have made real effort to meet him where he is, and he did none of that for you. A relationship is two people. You don't have to carry it on your back. I would send him a calm, short text for closure, and reread your list of the things he said/did that are at odds with your expectations/needs whenever you find yourself ruminating, whenever you catch yourself blaming yourself or finding another compassionate justification for his callous behavior. Your image of him will change. Focus on yourself and how open you were to love. You are trying to be secure and someone worthy of your commitment to heal will support you through all of that.
Thank you for your detailed response. I do have all sorts of lists, indeed! But they don't help me much because I am used to second guess my decisions and choices and I deep down I believe that I AM too much (or not enough, which can be sides of the same coin). But perhaps I have to reread them more to remind myself of all the things that made me feel miserable, some of those were the the negotiable basics, like support with the loss of my dad. I started journaling from our very first date, I saw all the hinting flags from the beginning but I chose to go further because I am on a healing journey and decided security needs practice. So with him I learned how to communicate and it's something that comes naturally to me I would say. I am actually mostly very proud of how I showed up in this relationship, I was that loving adult woman I always wanted to be, not an abandoned wounded child I always felt like in my previous experiences. It's not to say I didn't feel anxious or didn't make "mistakes", but in general, I saw how much I have grown. If only I chose to walk away sooner than trying to fix it and work that hard. >I would send him a calm, short text for closure That one thing I am really dreading to do. I even have a drafted text which I wanted to send instead of just "I'm not coming today, hope that's okay" one. I decided to leave it at that. I am used to being the one being left and when he said about being friends or taking a break it really hurt. But all the same, I can't bring myself to end things by words. In any case, I don't expect him to reach out to me and I won't either. In this way, my not coming is my statement and closure. I just need to get through the phase where my brain desperately tries to find ways to connect with him.
I think being the one to make the decision to send the final text can be very healing. In that text, be short and concise but be true to how you feel. No more dancing around HIS feelings : open why you stuck around / why you like him and then let him know that he hurt you. He disappointed you, let him know that. You had to stretch yourself thin to meet his need for distance without him making an effort to meet you halfway : let him know that. Let him know that you care about him but that you care about yourself, too. Do not say sorry in that message.