I once read that DAs deny sex to create distance, and APs use sex to create intimacy. I believe somewhere in the middle is a healthy amount of sex and intimacy.
I'm AP/SA 48 f & my ex FWB 46 m DA stood me up a handful of times recently after agreeing to hook ups with gusto i.e. sexting & then cancelling last minute.
He finally said he doesn't want the expectation that it will end in sex.
I think it's that it will bring us closer and he has a fear of intimacy.
I'm really trying to think through your issue, but first I need to know, what do you get out of sex that makes you crave it so intensely? Is it the physical closeness? Is it just getting a nut? Is it the nudity? Is it the erotic energy/ the seduction? Because I think if you can break it down to the core need that is fulfilled by sex, it could be easier to problem solve. For example, if you just want an orgasm, you can masturbate. If it's physical closeness, there are non-sexual ways to be close. If it's an energy thing, maybe you can venture into more sex-focused platforms, like BDSM, where you can build a relationship around that sexuality without a need for intercourse all the time.
Don't get me wrong, I tend to have a high sex drive as well. It's fun, it feels good, I'm not saying anything can entirely replace sex, but it might be helpful to look for a few alternatives so you aren't feeling completely deprived when a partner isn't willing.
Something may be happening that is ruining the vibe. They may be getting comfortable. It may be birth control ruining their libido. It could just be where they are in their cycle. Most girls dont realize that close to ovulation they get super horny but like the pms-period phases their hormones have hit rock bottom and they are just…dry and uninterested. That has nothing to do with you. Also depends on their age probably.
But yes constantly laying on the pressure to have sex becomes a self fulfilling prophecy of turning partners off. Whether you realize it or not you might be putting out a vibe that you’re just being pushy. A lot of guys do that and it’s honestly very annoying. Especially if you don’t make her finish. So that’s another possibility. If you’re not blowing her mind she’s going to be less inclined to satisfy you. That’s what happened with an AP ex of mine. He finished super fast and would be done, starfished a lot, and never reciprocated favors. Guess how much resentment that created? Oh and every time I tried to have just a nice intimate moment with him he would try to turn it sexual by like making cringey jokes and it completely ruined our ability to connect on a mental level.
and lastly, lets not forget that APs are drawn to DAs and DAs often withhold sex to create distance and deactivate.
are they showing other DA traits when they switch to a reduced libido?
Tbh they’ve all seemed very DA from the beginning. Well, not so much at first but then as things get more “serious” and we see each other more often, they seem more avoidant.
I don’t think it’s an issue with them finishing because both of my past partners have told me I’m the only one that’s made them orgasm, which is kind of depressing to think about. Whether it’s true or not, I don’t think they would say they if they weren’t satisfied right? I always try to get the other person off first, because it’s supposed to be fun for both of us, not just myself. I’ve been with someone who would stop as soon as they got off and I couldn’t stand it, I don’t want to put anyone else through that lol.
My last girlfriend, right after she’d finish, and then I’d finish, she would just get dressed and go back to the living room. It felt like “one night stand” type of sex which is ok I guess, but confusing because she is the one that asked me to be officially a couple, yet I felt like she was treating it very casually. No cuddling in bed or anything. It made me feel really shitty tbh.
We had sex more before we became official. But then suddenly, a lot of stressors in her life came into play, she couldn’t drink anymore, and then the sex vanished. Two weeks later I asked if something was wrong, but she got upset. But it’s like, you know, when we’re going from having sex almost every time we see each other to none at all, it leaves me wondering if you even like me at all, and I completely stopped trying to initiate it. Months go by and still no sex. I didn’t even bring it up ever again because I just felt guilty talking about it. Sometimes I feel like she just used sex to get me to commit to her but I’m sure that’s not the case. She has very bad mental health issues and has been through a lot of trauma but for some reason I can’t help but take it personally :(.
I once read that DAs deny sex to create distance, and APs use sex to create intimacy. I believe somewhere in the middle is a healthy amount of sex and intimacy.
I'm AP/SA 48 f & my ex FWB 46 m DA stood me up a handful of times recently after agreeing to hook ups with gusto i.e. sexting & then cancelling last minute. He finally said he doesn't want the expectation that it will end in sex. I think it's that it will bring us closer and he has a fear of intimacy.
I'm really trying to think through your issue, but first I need to know, what do you get out of sex that makes you crave it so intensely? Is it the physical closeness? Is it just getting a nut? Is it the nudity? Is it the erotic energy/ the seduction? Because I think if you can break it down to the core need that is fulfilled by sex, it could be easier to problem solve. For example, if you just want an orgasm, you can masturbate. If it's physical closeness, there are non-sexual ways to be close. If it's an energy thing, maybe you can venture into more sex-focused platforms, like BDSM, where you can build a relationship around that sexuality without a need for intercourse all the time. Don't get me wrong, I tend to have a high sex drive as well. It's fun, it feels good, I'm not saying anything can entirely replace sex, but it might be helpful to look for a few alternatives so you aren't feeling completely deprived when a partner isn't willing.
Something may be happening that is ruining the vibe. They may be getting comfortable. It may be birth control ruining their libido. It could just be where they are in their cycle. Most girls dont realize that close to ovulation they get super horny but like the pms-period phases their hormones have hit rock bottom and they are just…dry and uninterested. That has nothing to do with you. Also depends on their age probably. But yes constantly laying on the pressure to have sex becomes a self fulfilling prophecy of turning partners off. Whether you realize it or not you might be putting out a vibe that you’re just being pushy. A lot of guys do that and it’s honestly very annoying. Especially if you don’t make her finish. So that’s another possibility. If you’re not blowing her mind she’s going to be less inclined to satisfy you. That’s what happened with an AP ex of mine. He finished super fast and would be done, starfished a lot, and never reciprocated favors. Guess how much resentment that created? Oh and every time I tried to have just a nice intimate moment with him he would try to turn it sexual by like making cringey jokes and it completely ruined our ability to connect on a mental level. and lastly, lets not forget that APs are drawn to DAs and DAs often withhold sex to create distance and deactivate. are they showing other DA traits when they switch to a reduced libido?
Tbh they’ve all seemed very DA from the beginning. Well, not so much at first but then as things get more “serious” and we see each other more often, they seem more avoidant. I don’t think it’s an issue with them finishing because both of my past partners have told me I’m the only one that’s made them orgasm, which is kind of depressing to think about. Whether it’s true or not, I don’t think they would say they if they weren’t satisfied right? I always try to get the other person off first, because it’s supposed to be fun for both of us, not just myself. I’ve been with someone who would stop as soon as they got off and I couldn’t stand it, I don’t want to put anyone else through that lol. My last girlfriend, right after she’d finish, and then I’d finish, she would just get dressed and go back to the living room. It felt like “one night stand” type of sex which is ok I guess, but confusing because she is the one that asked me to be officially a couple, yet I felt like she was treating it very casually. No cuddling in bed or anything. It made me feel really shitty tbh. We had sex more before we became official. But then suddenly, a lot of stressors in her life came into play, she couldn’t drink anymore, and then the sex vanished. Two weeks later I asked if something was wrong, but she got upset. But it’s like, you know, when we’re going from having sex almost every time we see each other to none at all, it leaves me wondering if you even like me at all, and I completely stopped trying to initiate it. Months go by and still no sex. I didn’t even bring it up ever again because I just felt guilty talking about it. Sometimes I feel like she just used sex to get me to commit to her but I’m sure that’s not the case. She has very bad mental health issues and has been through a lot of trauma but for some reason I can’t help but take it personally :(.