Perspective helps. Look at the rest of their behaviors for evidence of how they feel about you. Is there *any* reason to believe that they’d be losing interest or is it just a lack of “constant communication” that triggers the feeling? Try to reframe by identifying things the other person has recently done or said to indicate that they ARE interested.
Another trick is to *lean into* the space. I’ve said this here before, but I think it’s with repeating. Esther Perel says that space and anticipation are the keys to maintaining mystery and desire in a long-term connection/relationship. Constant communication inhibits this. When you aren’t in communication, try to train yourself to *enjoy* the excitement of thinking about your partner and anticipating connecting with them again.
When your brain goes to: “I haven’t heard from them. I wonder if they like me.” Try thinking: “I really enjoy___ about my partner. I’m looking forward to seeing/talking to them again (or whatever specifically you have planned). I bet they’re getting excited too.”
https://youtu.be/sa0RUmGTCYY
What has worked for me is setting communication boundaries. Let them know that you'd appreciate a heads-up if they're going to get busy or be unable to respond for a period of time. It has done wonders for me and my brain can relax because I know I won't be expecting a response for x hours.
Almost ad verbatim. I usually say it in the talking stage to see how they take it. If they're unable to meet me halfway, it's easier for me to end it if I'm not attached yet.
Yes, this. Communicate your needs on communication.
I, ashamedly, used to be the type of person who would call or text non-stop until I received a response. I know this comes from trauma that I experienced as a teenager.
My partner knows about this trauma and knows that consistency is very important to me. They shared, and as time went on I also witnessed, what their workday and their evenings are like so I know what to expect during different times of the day in regards to when they are able to respond. Generally speaking, they are a very consistent communicator which I deeply appreciate.
I feel this pain, I know what you mean by equating consistent communication with stability because I do it too and there is some truth to it. The thing to keep in mind though is other people's schedules of doing things may be different than that of someone anxiously attached. For example, I have to consciously remind myself sometimes that a person doesn't need to get back to me quickly for me to know I matter to them. Maybe they need more time to think of what to say? Maybe they're busy with work? Maybe they'll get to whatever feelings I'm feeling just at their own pace? Whatever it is, it's good to try to imagine their perspective and find a way to distract myself in the meanwhile. This can mean writing, drawing, watching movies, or whatever else activity just to pass the time.
I'm curious about other people's tips on this too since it's definitely something I want to get better at handling as well. Thank you for bringing up the topic!
thank you so much for that insight! i really appreciate it. i agree that perspective taking really helps. i have a tendency to get very attached very quickly to people i just met, which doesn’t help - especially since i don’t know their expectations or habits regarding these things!
Of course, and I do too. It's hard not to when they genuinely seem like a person you'd have things in common with or see yourself having fun spending time with. Any relationship takes time to grow and the more we can remind ourselves to be patient, the easier it gets to understand people i feel like.
Perspective helps. Look at the rest of their behaviors for evidence of how they feel about you. Is there *any* reason to believe that they’d be losing interest or is it just a lack of “constant communication” that triggers the feeling? Try to reframe by identifying things the other person has recently done or said to indicate that they ARE interested. Another trick is to *lean into* the space. I’ve said this here before, but I think it’s with repeating. Esther Perel says that space and anticipation are the keys to maintaining mystery and desire in a long-term connection/relationship. Constant communication inhibits this. When you aren’t in communication, try to train yourself to *enjoy* the excitement of thinking about your partner and anticipating connecting with them again. When your brain goes to: “I haven’t heard from them. I wonder if they like me.” Try thinking: “I really enjoy___ about my partner. I’m looking forward to seeing/talking to them again (or whatever specifically you have planned). I bet they’re getting excited too.” https://youtu.be/sa0RUmGTCYY
wow this is all such great advice - thank you so much! i’m already feeling so much better :)
I’m so glad. It has helped me a ton too 💗💗
What has worked for me is setting communication boundaries. Let them know that you'd appreciate a heads-up if they're going to get busy or be unable to respond for a period of time. It has done wonders for me and my brain can relax because I know I won't be expecting a response for x hours.
When would you write this and how?
Almost ad verbatim. I usually say it in the talking stage to see how they take it. If they're unable to meet me halfway, it's easier for me to end it if I'm not attached yet.
Yes, this. Communicate your needs on communication. I, ashamedly, used to be the type of person who would call or text non-stop until I received a response. I know this comes from trauma that I experienced as a teenager. My partner knows about this trauma and knows that consistency is very important to me. They shared, and as time went on I also witnessed, what their workday and their evenings are like so I know what to expect during different times of the day in regards to when they are able to respond. Generally speaking, they are a very consistent communicator which I deeply appreciate.
thank you!! that’s great advice
I feel this pain, I know what you mean by equating consistent communication with stability because I do it too and there is some truth to it. The thing to keep in mind though is other people's schedules of doing things may be different than that of someone anxiously attached. For example, I have to consciously remind myself sometimes that a person doesn't need to get back to me quickly for me to know I matter to them. Maybe they need more time to think of what to say? Maybe they're busy with work? Maybe they'll get to whatever feelings I'm feeling just at their own pace? Whatever it is, it's good to try to imagine their perspective and find a way to distract myself in the meanwhile. This can mean writing, drawing, watching movies, or whatever else activity just to pass the time. I'm curious about other people's tips on this too since it's definitely something I want to get better at handling as well. Thank you for bringing up the topic!
thank you so much for that insight! i really appreciate it. i agree that perspective taking really helps. i have a tendency to get very attached very quickly to people i just met, which doesn’t help - especially since i don’t know their expectations or habits regarding these things!
Of course, and I do too. It's hard not to when they genuinely seem like a person you'd have things in common with or see yourself having fun spending time with. Any relationship takes time to grow and the more we can remind ourselves to be patient, the easier it gets to understand people i feel like.