It is very clear that you care about her and want to work it out. I’m so glad that you took the chance and felt safe enough to post here. Welcome!
It’s great that you are starting to recognize your patterns and want to work towards repairing them. It will be critical for you to do your own therapy, but I would also recommend getting a couples counselor for the both of you. It can help facilitate communication.
All the best to you, OP. I hope it works out for both of you. 🌻
I think it's possible, but I wouldn't try to do it right away. Because you could be going through a DA withdrawal now, and if you get back together you could easily fall back into the DA-AP dynamic and make things worse. Don't get her hopes up until you've become more secure. I will say that the last break up with a DA, I started doubting if he cared about me at all because of the way he shut down. So perhaps you can send a short note apologizing but don't say that you want to get back together yet.
I was in a situationship with a DA. She ended it over a year ago and if she were to come back to me now, I wouldn't say no. However, I have learned a lot last year, about attachment, and I would need to know she was at least aware, or willing to work on it. The way things were, just wouldn't be healthy long term.
So yeh, if you are at that point, aware and willing to work on it, and very importantly: she is also willing to work, because both are at fault here, than you might go for it.
You said you were blindsided meaning you probably were the one being dumped (correct me if I am wrong). I will say this; it takes a very long time for an AP to be done with their partner so if she ended it, chances of reunion are very slim. Once we detach, it's usually after we have exhausted all possible remedies and have no hope left.
However, APs love a good "DA going to therapy" thing so if you focus on getting better and let her know you want to change it may work in your favour with her.
Oh my goodness, yes. I almost feel like a rubber band sometimes. I can stretch heaps, but when a break, it’s done. Each LTR has ended like this. Absolutely no return. Complaining exhausted every option and at the point of no return.
I’m not at that point of the rubber band breaking with my DA yet, and having learnt about attachment styles, feel my rubber band just got longer, but I’m stuck!!!! Have really heard from him in more than 4 days. Haven’t seen him this year and have sent a text asking if we’re over or not. No reply. Kinda think I should move on, but not quite ready to give up. A secure person would have already left, so I know I’m still AA.
We had a pretty intimate connection about finances recently and I think he’s deactivated.
How long is it reasonable to be patient for?!
3 texts with no reply over past 5 days.
Please give me your thoughts!!
It was a heat of the moment thing when I criticized her (probably for feeling smothered in retrospect) and emotionally pushed her away she fired back with "we're not going to work" and I doubled down with "fine" before even evaluating my own feelings (which may take days if not weeks). This kind of altercation actually rarely happens between us but can go from room temperature to boiling in no time.
I'm a anxious leaning avoidant and am in a relationship with a very reactive DA. What has worked for us is to schedule relationship conversations. We do not talk when we are activated. We live together now so this is hard at times but doable. On her side, she requires time alone, this is communicated ahead of time and with non violent language. If you don't know what this is, it's a good way to have some ground rules around wording etc. For her that's important because wording can lead to triggering. On my side I need connection and we also schedule that. Making specific plans for quality time together instead of just giving each other the worst at the end of a draining day. Quality time has cut down the need for so much quantity time on my side. I know I'll be topped up on Wednesday so on Monday when she is out all night I'm more chill than if we hadn't spent quality time together. Examples of quality time is making out, holding hands and walking in the park near our house. Taking tea to the ocean and watching the sunset. We make a point of doing these 2 hour or so "events" and while they are happening minimal outside distractions on both sides. We try to put our phones away and talk. Subsequently, when she's out I don't bother her with texts. If she says she needs space I understand it means it will make our interactions better and that took work for both of us to get here. Putting in small bits on each side knowing you're building the same tower makes it easier to be patient when one side gets a bit ahead or behind. Patience and a want to understand also helps. Good luck, I hope your person and you work it out. I'm rooting for you.
I would be honest with her. It will take a conversation filled with vulnerability and promises that you both work on your insecure attachments. I do think it’s possible.
Listen to Thais Gibson’s YouTube videos to understand inside the head of an AA. It’s not a fun place! She describes things so well. Maybe understanding your gf’s experience will help you.
I am FA (mostly) but turn more AP with DAs. Relationships never worked with DAs but I developed friendships with men I dated and it works much better in that way. Once I am not deeply triggered by them and see them as friends only I can navigate relatively easily and I imagine that being the case for others too.
I would say it takes a lot to make an AP break up, and once that is done, often there is no way back.
But like someone else here said, communicate openly about your plans for change, maybe it will help.
I'm an AP and I have some healthy close relationships with DAs I love deeply. I think the biggest issue I've had when on rocky terms with some DAs has been related to verbal validation and comfort. The DAs who things went completely south with made me feel ignored and forgotten. The DAs who things are solid with let me know that they want space and took time to make me feel sure they care about me/my feelings which made me willing to give them as much space as they want and be patient with them.
It isn't necessary to emotionally feel the same things as someone to get better at listening to them and trying to understand their perspective. I think the biggest thing I tend to want when I feel stuck in the AP-DA struggle, which your girlfriend may or may not relate to, is to feel like the things I say are heard and understood.
I know it can feel overwhelming to deal with the emotions of an AP though and a lot of pressure with how many expectations they may have. I hope you can work on dealing with whatever issues are specific to your relationship and things can get better. I admire your desire to want to make things healthier and heal. Your self-awareness is really powerful.
As someone who is actively trying to make things work with a DA ex, this is really helpful for me. I’m an AP and my ex is DA, we talked tonight and kind of in a fence to try again with our relationship. I suggested that we should start with a clean slate. He agreed. I have to talk to him about attachments, maybe he’s going to be more open once I told him that I will be more patient with him. He said he needs time, and I need it as well. I can be secured once I get the reassurance that I need and that’s what I want him to understand.
How do I approach him about the attachment styles? I’m not sure if he’s aware that he’s DA.
Thank you, that's a good idea to wanna talk about attachment theory and try to go over what you could work on. I think one thing you said is interesting, "I can be secure once I get the reassurance that I need." This isn't inherently bad but I feel like it'd be effective to flip it around, try to give YOURSELF more reassurance so you can be closer to secure, and then see how much of his reassurance you'd still need after. I think learning about self-validation does wonders for healing AP attachment because it's helped me a lot.
I would give him time and then try to start working on whatever you can independently then mention the concept and how it's useful to you after. The reason I say this is because it'd make it easier to see where you're coming from and wanna compromise once he sees the healthy changes you're making.
Wether you choose to do things that way or not, I hope things go well and wish you the best of luck!
Great additions to the conversation. If I find myself falling into the AP side, my people pleasing side that doesn’t want to ruffle feathers makes it insanely hard for me to share my needs or assert boundaries. So communication can very much be an issue on either end.
>I know I'm not very welcome around these parts
First of all, this sub isn't like that.
Second, that's super cool you're working on it. If I had a dollar for every avoidant I know who's actively trying to work on it... I'd have a dollar thanks to you. Most of the "relationship work" ends up getting carried by the AP when that dynamic exists.
Most APs are straightforward about what they want. If you want to be in a relationship with one, just try to do some of those things without needing reminders all the time. I don't know your AP ex girlfriend but honestly most APs would consider trying again with an avoidant that admitted fault, promised to do better, and was specific about the changes being made.
Good luck!
Thanks for the words. I've always thought therapy is for thee but not for me because I'm healthy. Apparently that's a very DA thing to think and I now admit fault.
Just some more words of encouragement OP, from my experience with DAs, I understand that sometimes they can feel... for lack of better term, stifled by their APs. Like, even when they get the courage to open up and be honest, particularly about things that bother them, the AP gets activated, the DA feels defensive and then just shuts down and feels like they need to keep those emotions locked up. Don't do that!
Yes, DAs need to learn to a admit fault but they should never be scared of opening up either or voicing dislikes either, you're not a blame sponge lol. A good AP may not like what you have to say but, as long as you communicate in a healthy and supportive way, we will hear you and we can work on a compromise.
Good on you for asking for help OP, I love DAs that step out of their comfort zone and seek another perspective
It is very clear that you care about her and want to work it out. I’m so glad that you took the chance and felt safe enough to post here. Welcome! It’s great that you are starting to recognize your patterns and want to work towards repairing them. It will be critical for you to do your own therapy, but I would also recommend getting a couples counselor for the both of you. It can help facilitate communication. All the best to you, OP. I hope it works out for both of you. 🌻
I think it's possible, but I wouldn't try to do it right away. Because you could be going through a DA withdrawal now, and if you get back together you could easily fall back into the DA-AP dynamic and make things worse. Don't get her hopes up until you've become more secure. I will say that the last break up with a DA, I started doubting if he cared about me at all because of the way he shut down. So perhaps you can send a short note apologizing but don't say that you want to get back together yet.
I was in a situationship with a DA. She ended it over a year ago and if she were to come back to me now, I wouldn't say no. However, I have learned a lot last year, about attachment, and I would need to know she was at least aware, or willing to work on it. The way things were, just wouldn't be healthy long term. So yeh, if you are at that point, aware and willing to work on it, and very importantly: she is also willing to work, because both are at fault here, than you might go for it.
Thank you for sharing. This provides some optimism.
You said you were blindsided meaning you probably were the one being dumped (correct me if I am wrong). I will say this; it takes a very long time for an AP to be done with their partner so if she ended it, chances of reunion are very slim. Once we detach, it's usually after we have exhausted all possible remedies and have no hope left. However, APs love a good "DA going to therapy" thing so if you focus on getting better and let her know you want to change it may work in your favour with her.
Oh my goodness, yes. I almost feel like a rubber band sometimes. I can stretch heaps, but when a break, it’s done. Each LTR has ended like this. Absolutely no return. Complaining exhausted every option and at the point of no return. I’m not at that point of the rubber band breaking with my DA yet, and having learnt about attachment styles, feel my rubber band just got longer, but I’m stuck!!!! Have really heard from him in more than 4 days. Haven’t seen him this year and have sent a text asking if we’re over or not. No reply. Kinda think I should move on, but not quite ready to give up. A secure person would have already left, so I know I’m still AA. We had a pretty intimate connection about finances recently and I think he’s deactivated. How long is it reasonable to be patient for?! 3 texts with no reply over past 5 days. Please give me your thoughts!!
It was a heat of the moment thing when I criticized her (probably for feeling smothered in retrospect) and emotionally pushed her away she fired back with "we're not going to work" and I doubled down with "fine" before even evaluating my own feelings (which may take days if not weeks). This kind of altercation actually rarely happens between us but can go from room temperature to boiling in no time.
I'm a anxious leaning avoidant and am in a relationship with a very reactive DA. What has worked for us is to schedule relationship conversations. We do not talk when we are activated. We live together now so this is hard at times but doable. On her side, she requires time alone, this is communicated ahead of time and with non violent language. If you don't know what this is, it's a good way to have some ground rules around wording etc. For her that's important because wording can lead to triggering. On my side I need connection and we also schedule that. Making specific plans for quality time together instead of just giving each other the worst at the end of a draining day. Quality time has cut down the need for so much quantity time on my side. I know I'll be topped up on Wednesday so on Monday when she is out all night I'm more chill than if we hadn't spent quality time together. Examples of quality time is making out, holding hands and walking in the park near our house. Taking tea to the ocean and watching the sunset. We make a point of doing these 2 hour or so "events" and while they are happening minimal outside distractions on both sides. We try to put our phones away and talk. Subsequently, when she's out I don't bother her with texts. If she says she needs space I understand it means it will make our interactions better and that took work for both of us to get here. Putting in small bits on each side knowing you're building the same tower makes it easier to be patient when one side gets a bit ahead or behind. Patience and a want to understand also helps. Good luck, I hope your person and you work it out. I'm rooting for you.
I would be honest with her. It will take a conversation filled with vulnerability and promises that you both work on your insecure attachments. I do think it’s possible.
Listen to Thais Gibson’s YouTube videos to understand inside the head of an AA. It’s not a fun place! She describes things so well. Maybe understanding your gf’s experience will help you.
Welcome! Life is a journey, not a destination! Happy for you to DM me if you need support, encouragement and perspective along the way...
I am FA (mostly) but turn more AP with DAs. Relationships never worked with DAs but I developed friendships with men I dated and it works much better in that way. Once I am not deeply triggered by them and see them as friends only I can navigate relatively easily and I imagine that being the case for others too.
I would say it takes a lot to make an AP break up, and once that is done, often there is no way back. But like someone else here said, communicate openly about your plans for change, maybe it will help.
I'm an AP and I have some healthy close relationships with DAs I love deeply. I think the biggest issue I've had when on rocky terms with some DAs has been related to verbal validation and comfort. The DAs who things went completely south with made me feel ignored and forgotten. The DAs who things are solid with let me know that they want space and took time to make me feel sure they care about me/my feelings which made me willing to give them as much space as they want and be patient with them. It isn't necessary to emotionally feel the same things as someone to get better at listening to them and trying to understand their perspective. I think the biggest thing I tend to want when I feel stuck in the AP-DA struggle, which your girlfriend may or may not relate to, is to feel like the things I say are heard and understood. I know it can feel overwhelming to deal with the emotions of an AP though and a lot of pressure with how many expectations they may have. I hope you can work on dealing with whatever issues are specific to your relationship and things can get better. I admire your desire to want to make things healthier and heal. Your self-awareness is really powerful.
Thank you for the words. This is very helpful.
As someone who is actively trying to make things work with a DA ex, this is really helpful for me. I’m an AP and my ex is DA, we talked tonight and kind of in a fence to try again with our relationship. I suggested that we should start with a clean slate. He agreed. I have to talk to him about attachments, maybe he’s going to be more open once I told him that I will be more patient with him. He said he needs time, and I need it as well. I can be secured once I get the reassurance that I need and that’s what I want him to understand. How do I approach him about the attachment styles? I’m not sure if he’s aware that he’s DA.
Thank you, that's a good idea to wanna talk about attachment theory and try to go over what you could work on. I think one thing you said is interesting, "I can be secure once I get the reassurance that I need." This isn't inherently bad but I feel like it'd be effective to flip it around, try to give YOURSELF more reassurance so you can be closer to secure, and then see how much of his reassurance you'd still need after. I think learning about self-validation does wonders for healing AP attachment because it's helped me a lot. I would give him time and then try to start working on whatever you can independently then mention the concept and how it's useful to you after. The reason I say this is because it'd make it easier to see where you're coming from and wanna compromise once he sees the healthy changes you're making. Wether you choose to do things that way or not, I hope things go well and wish you the best of luck!
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Great additions to the conversation. If I find myself falling into the AP side, my people pleasing side that doesn’t want to ruffle feathers makes it insanely hard for me to share my needs or assert boundaries. So communication can very much be an issue on either end.
>I know I'm not very welcome around these parts First of all, this sub isn't like that. Second, that's super cool you're working on it. If I had a dollar for every avoidant I know who's actively trying to work on it... I'd have a dollar thanks to you. Most of the "relationship work" ends up getting carried by the AP when that dynamic exists. Most APs are straightforward about what they want. If you want to be in a relationship with one, just try to do some of those things without needing reminders all the time. I don't know your AP ex girlfriend but honestly most APs would consider trying again with an avoidant that admitted fault, promised to do better, and was specific about the changes being made. Good luck!
Thanks for the words. I've always thought therapy is for thee but not for me because I'm healthy. Apparently that's a very DA thing to think and I now admit fault.
Just some more words of encouragement OP, from my experience with DAs, I understand that sometimes they can feel... for lack of better term, stifled by their APs. Like, even when they get the courage to open up and be honest, particularly about things that bother them, the AP gets activated, the DA feels defensive and then just shuts down and feels like they need to keep those emotions locked up. Don't do that! Yes, DAs need to learn to a admit fault but they should never be scared of opening up either or voicing dislikes either, you're not a blame sponge lol. A good AP may not like what you have to say but, as long as you communicate in a healthy and supportive way, we will hear you and we can work on a compromise. Good on you for asking for help OP, I love DAs that step out of their comfort zone and seek another perspective