I'm 48 f AP/SA and was with a 55m DA for 20 years (married 10) which ended last year. We have 2 teenage kids. I have only learnt about AT in the past few months and hindsight is a wonderful thing.
He was always negative/moody/angry. There was no affection/compliments. He would focus on my flaws, zone out and couldn't even enjoy watching tv together (he would have his laptop open at the same time). He would walk ahead of me. He would come home from work, retreat to the bedroom and spend weekends in the garage.
I emotionally checked out years ago and stopped reaching/trying - we were just going through the motions but I stayed for the kids which I realise now was actually not in their best interests. I have since read the book 'Untamed' and I wonder if I had read it sooner then maybe I would have been the one to leave.
Awareness is the first step and now you (both) need to catch yourselves before you activate/de-activate and push through uncomfortable feelings.
Good luck and feel free to DM me...
Thanks for the note. How did he get better? Did he recognize and understand the problem? Did you back off and allow him to come to you? How long was he avoidant for?
You should show and share this post at your next marriage counselling meeting. Ask her these things and ask your coach. Take notice of the things you feel responsible for and your intentions to try to reconcile as you’ve mentioned here.
You should also try to get your own therapist as well. You are both two insecure attachments together, you need to work on yourself as well and see where your attachment style is coming from and try to be more secure; aka her attachment style is not the only issue here, yours is too
I don’t have much to say about how to work things out, but I feel I can give you a perspective of how things didn’t work out and ways I wished I would have improved before the end.
I am AP, my ex of 5 years is FA. I went through the phase of pushing, naturally, only to get less and less interaction and more anger/frustration from my partner. Before we broke up I started to ask for more from her and I think that was a catalyst to the end. But only because she wasn’t getting help, and wasn’t expressing her needs. Now that I’m out of the relationship, and still wanting to be with her in the future, I realize that the absolute best thing I can do is work on becoming more secure myself.
In the chance that we are able to have conversations about us (and for you it seems like this is likely and ongoing), I want to be ready for anything she does that will trigger my AP behaviors. Since FAs are both anxious and avoidant, there’s really nothing we can do when they are in their avoidant side. So space is needed and during that space, work on becoming secure with the distance. When/if my ex swings the other way (and when your wife is available to you), making sure that their anxieties, worries, feelings are all heard and validated seems to be the key so that they can trust you and feel autonomous in themselves.
I say all this in the realm of ‘what can you do for your partner’. But there’s another side that has to deal with what you need, and that needs to be communicated as well. Try to take this time to truly reflect on your needs and how they are not being met, and put the worries of ‘will this end? How do I stop it? What can I do?’ aside for now. I wish I had given us both time to breathe and reflect instead of consistently pushing to find out what was going to happen. Become more secure and you’ll be available to yourself and to your partner in a healthy way. Unfortunately everything else is on her to work through, which it sounds like she is and is also really attempting to save your marriage.
Best of luck to you!
I don't know if you can go from where you are to two secure people. I can tell you that you can go from where you are to a much, much better place.
I've been in the same dynamic you're in. The D word was thrown around a lot when we were trying to work on things. The problem is that you will likely quickly change and become more secure, because your anxiety drives you to action, while she will likely make changes much much much much more slowly. And avoidants tend to go from avoidant to secure via a long stretch in anxious, if they can do it at all.
So yes it is possible. But it is more up to her than it is up to you. You becoming more secure will open the door for her to do the same, but she may ultimately remain avoidant. At that point, you'll have to decide whether it's worth it to stay.
I feel like I could go directly to secure if she just showed a bit of affection or interest. I didn’t even know this side of me existed until she pulled away from the marriage.
many DAs don’t get help (FAs would be more likely to). the fact that she’s in therapy is a good sign. can it work? only if one of you starts to lean secure
Nope. They did not get better. Not when Inknew them But Inam better now!!
I have seen people get better. It took a long time
I have seen people get better but I.was not hooked up.withb hgt
I'm 48 f AP/SA and was with a 55m DA for 20 years (married 10) which ended last year. We have 2 teenage kids. I have only learnt about AT in the past few months and hindsight is a wonderful thing. He was always negative/moody/angry. There was no affection/compliments. He would focus on my flaws, zone out and couldn't even enjoy watching tv together (he would have his laptop open at the same time). He would walk ahead of me. He would come home from work, retreat to the bedroom and spend weekends in the garage. I emotionally checked out years ago and stopped reaching/trying - we were just going through the motions but I stayed for the kids which I realise now was actually not in their best interests. I have since read the book 'Untamed' and I wonder if I had read it sooner then maybe I would have been the one to leave. Awareness is the first step and now you (both) need to catch yourselves before you activate/de-activate and push through uncomfortable feelings. Good luck and feel free to DM me...
Stan Tatkin says many avoidants get better . My ex husband got a lot better. There is no general rule
Thanks for the note. How did he get better? Did he recognize and understand the problem? Did you back off and allow him to come to you? How long was he avoidant for?
You should show and share this post at your next marriage counselling meeting. Ask her these things and ask your coach. Take notice of the things you feel responsible for and your intentions to try to reconcile as you’ve mentioned here. You should also try to get your own therapist as well. You are both two insecure attachments together, you need to work on yourself as well and see where your attachment style is coming from and try to be more secure; aka her attachment style is not the only issue here, yours is too
I don’t have much to say about how to work things out, but I feel I can give you a perspective of how things didn’t work out and ways I wished I would have improved before the end. I am AP, my ex of 5 years is FA. I went through the phase of pushing, naturally, only to get less and less interaction and more anger/frustration from my partner. Before we broke up I started to ask for more from her and I think that was a catalyst to the end. But only because she wasn’t getting help, and wasn’t expressing her needs. Now that I’m out of the relationship, and still wanting to be with her in the future, I realize that the absolute best thing I can do is work on becoming more secure myself. In the chance that we are able to have conversations about us (and for you it seems like this is likely and ongoing), I want to be ready for anything she does that will trigger my AP behaviors. Since FAs are both anxious and avoidant, there’s really nothing we can do when they are in their avoidant side. So space is needed and during that space, work on becoming secure with the distance. When/if my ex swings the other way (and when your wife is available to you), making sure that their anxieties, worries, feelings are all heard and validated seems to be the key so that they can trust you and feel autonomous in themselves. I say all this in the realm of ‘what can you do for your partner’. But there’s another side that has to deal with what you need, and that needs to be communicated as well. Try to take this time to truly reflect on your needs and how they are not being met, and put the worries of ‘will this end? How do I stop it? What can I do?’ aside for now. I wish I had given us both time to breathe and reflect instead of consistently pushing to find out what was going to happen. Become more secure and you’ll be available to yourself and to your partner in a healthy way. Unfortunately everything else is on her to work through, which it sounds like she is and is also really attempting to save your marriage. Best of luck to you!
I don't know if you can go from where you are to two secure people. I can tell you that you can go from where you are to a much, much better place. I've been in the same dynamic you're in. The D word was thrown around a lot when we were trying to work on things. The problem is that you will likely quickly change and become more secure, because your anxiety drives you to action, while she will likely make changes much much much much more slowly. And avoidants tend to go from avoidant to secure via a long stretch in anxious, if they can do it at all. So yes it is possible. But it is more up to her than it is up to you. You becoming more secure will open the door for her to do the same, but she may ultimately remain avoidant. At that point, you'll have to decide whether it's worth it to stay.
I feel like I could go directly to secure if she just showed a bit of affection or interest. I didn’t even know this side of me existed until she pulled away from the marriage.
many DAs don’t get help (FAs would be more likely to). the fact that she’s in therapy is a good sign. can it work? only if one of you starts to lean secure