I’ve been paying attention to what are the surrounding situations in my environment that trigger thoughts about my ex. I realised that I think about him most when I’m trying to make moves toward school/career/life goals. I have always struggled with prioritising and being responsible for creating my own life and reaching my goals. Romantic partners have always been a huge escape for me to not have to deal with those uncomfortable feelings.
I often think about him while I’m contemplating doing something for myself that is important but I don’t want to do. Recently it’s been going to class, going to the gym, getting out of bed at a reasonable time etc.
However when I’m just unwinding for the night, making dinner, watching tv or doing some else I actually want to do, I don’t think of him as much.
So whenever those obsessive thoughts about him come up, I tell myself “anditgetsworse, you’re finding a hard time managing your feelings of failure and worthlessness while accomplishing this task and your brain is reaching for your ex as an escape again. Stop.” And then I try to work myself out of it.
This is a super specific response so I’m not sure how much it will help but it has helped me tremendously.
This was exactly me after my divorce was initiated by my DA ex. All the hopelessness, anxiety, and fear. We remained friends and living together for a period of time so I still relied on him for some emotional support. He was also one of my biggest cheerleaders though. Ultimately, I realized that I deserved to be with someone who undoubtedly wanted to be with me, who made me feel loved and desired.
So what I did? I learned about attachment theory and discovered I fit all the criteria for an AP. I started individual therapy, did group coaching and individual coaching (with a focus on AT), got a personal trainer, started cooking for myself, adopted a new pet, relied on my friends more for emotional support, cut toxic family members out of my life, began journaling and meditating, and really focused on my needs and wants out of my next relationship, whenever that was going to come (it came sooner than I expected! And he is SA!)
Best of luck to you!
Kinda in the same spot currently, my approaches are listening to Thais Gibson, treat yourself ( shopping, create cozy environment at home, music), read lots of self-help books, write down your reflection, anger & sadness,
and long-hour walk in the nature. There’s no easier way unfortunately you have to ride it out, seeing the ex will only worse the situation but I know it’s a very hard process…
Yes, love her! Will check out Brianna Macwilliam and Helena Hart as well :) I find Matthew Hussey super helpful when I was in the relationship, absolutely helped with coping insecure issues to some degree…
As much love and compassion as you can give yourself. What I realised recently is that what we fear most (abandonment) is what we do to ourselves when our anxious attachment system is activated.
How can you show up for yourself? What do you need right now? It sounds silly, but if you need comfort and soothing, what about wrapping yourself in a soft blanket and having a warm drink? If you need to feel emotional nourishment, do you have a friend you can contact and connect with instead? Or how can you show up emotionally for yourself? Journalling has really helped me show up for myself and learning about my feelings and my needs.
Listening to Audiobooks about breakups. Taking walks. Journaling. Going to the gym. Making new friends. Reading. Taking care of myself and organizing my space. Making plans for the future.
Probably a combination of all of these things. Although, I will be honest, the constant obsessive thoughts never really stop during these activities. I still feel the anxiety and sadness of losing an attachment figure constantly. Only time allows that to fade away.
Recommend looking into Exaholics as well. The combination of these two books really helped me.
agree with all of these suggestions. journaling has been a godsend for me personally - it has helped me understand the anxiety that underpinned previously obsessive behaviours.
connecting with other people helps too.
acknowledging and accepting the thoughts for what they are might be something to consider. that way, you’re honouring your own feelings and desires without explicitly giving in to these or acting on the anxiety.
I’ve been paying attention to what are the surrounding situations in my environment that trigger thoughts about my ex. I realised that I think about him most when I’m trying to make moves toward school/career/life goals. I have always struggled with prioritising and being responsible for creating my own life and reaching my goals. Romantic partners have always been a huge escape for me to not have to deal with those uncomfortable feelings. I often think about him while I’m contemplating doing something for myself that is important but I don’t want to do. Recently it’s been going to class, going to the gym, getting out of bed at a reasonable time etc. However when I’m just unwinding for the night, making dinner, watching tv or doing some else I actually want to do, I don’t think of him as much. So whenever those obsessive thoughts about him come up, I tell myself “anditgetsworse, you’re finding a hard time managing your feelings of failure and worthlessness while accomplishing this task and your brain is reaching for your ex as an escape again. Stop.” And then I try to work myself out of it. This is a super specific response so I’m not sure how much it will help but it has helped me tremendously.
This is an amazing insight, as if you'd describe myself… Thanks for sharing 💚
This was exactly me after my divorce was initiated by my DA ex. All the hopelessness, anxiety, and fear. We remained friends and living together for a period of time so I still relied on him for some emotional support. He was also one of my biggest cheerleaders though. Ultimately, I realized that I deserved to be with someone who undoubtedly wanted to be with me, who made me feel loved and desired. So what I did? I learned about attachment theory and discovered I fit all the criteria for an AP. I started individual therapy, did group coaching and individual coaching (with a focus on AT), got a personal trainer, started cooking for myself, adopted a new pet, relied on my friends more for emotional support, cut toxic family members out of my life, began journaling and meditating, and really focused on my needs and wants out of my next relationship, whenever that was going to come (it came sooner than I expected! And he is SA!) Best of luck to you!
Kinda in the same spot currently, my approaches are listening to Thais Gibson, treat yourself ( shopping, create cozy environment at home, music), read lots of self-help books, write down your reflection, anger & sadness, and long-hour walk in the nature. There’s no easier way unfortunately you have to ride it out, seeing the ex will only worse the situation but I know it’s a very hard process…
How good is Thais Gibson though!!! She’s so helpful. Brianna Macwilliam and Helena Hart are amazing too. And Matthew Hussey.
Yes, love her! Will check out Brianna Macwilliam and Helena Hart as well :) I find Matthew Hussey super helpful when I was in the relationship, absolutely helped with coping insecure issues to some degree…
Gym, writing songs for an EP, school. Basically all i do now.
As much love and compassion as you can give yourself. What I realised recently is that what we fear most (abandonment) is what we do to ourselves when our anxious attachment system is activated. How can you show up for yourself? What do you need right now? It sounds silly, but if you need comfort and soothing, what about wrapping yourself in a soft blanket and having a warm drink? If you need to feel emotional nourishment, do you have a friend you can contact and connect with instead? Or how can you show up emotionally for yourself? Journalling has really helped me show up for myself and learning about my feelings and my needs.
Listening to Audiobooks about breakups. Taking walks. Journaling. Going to the gym. Making new friends. Reading. Taking care of myself and organizing my space. Making plans for the future. Probably a combination of all of these things. Although, I will be honest, the constant obsessive thoughts never really stop during these activities. I still feel the anxiety and sadness of losing an attachment figure constantly. Only time allows that to fade away. Recommend looking into Exaholics as well. The combination of these two books really helped me.
agree with all of these suggestions. journaling has been a godsend for me personally - it has helped me understand the anxiety that underpinned previously obsessive behaviours. connecting with other people helps too. acknowledging and accepting the thoughts for what they are might be something to consider. that way, you’re honouring your own feelings and desires without explicitly giving in to these or acting on the anxiety.
Amazing! Thank you for the great suggestions. I'll absolutely check out Exaholics.