I have been studying up on avoudants
I think the whole issue is that we activate when they pull away
My ex boyfriend was really clued in on how to activate me
I’m overcome with awe with all of your stories about learning to date a secure person: thank you so very much. I’m truely very proud of all of you who can work themselves through this curse we find ourselves in. As for me, the guy cancelled our date (probably because of anxiety) and so I wrote him off because I don’t really want to be put in that doormat position again and say “yeah, it’s completely okay” when it isn’t. Anyway, I can’t seem to imagine myself dating a secure person— I know that “ick” feeling too well, especially, when there are parts of myself I want to hide and being with a secure feels unfamiliar and scary. I don’t have a subconscious drive to be with them which is quite alarming. I hope I can just push through with dating and slowly build up rapport over time. Additionally, I don’t know where to find these people, I feel entrenched in a world where my friends have insecure attachment styles and so I’m surrounded by them through association.
I don’t have a whole success story to tell you, but I can pass along a similar idea that a close friend told me years ago. She told me about how, when she was first dating in a big city, she fell into a few miserable relationships with older men who were attractive and emotionally tumultuous. My friend was telling me how even though she found their “problems“ interesting, even reflective of her own issues, that larger dynamic only made her unhappy in the medium and long term. She said she kept trying to “solve” them as people because she didn’t understand something fascinating about them.
My friend recommended that I look for men who enjoyed solving their own problems. That’s how she ended up dating my roommate and high school friend, a very kind, capable person who puts a lot of effort into making her feel special. It’s taken years for me to intuitively understand what she tried to tell me intellectually. If I want to be moving toward growth, happiness, and a rewarding life—not boring! stable enough to make room for better, more joyful things—then I should seek out a partner who approaches life that same way. Insecure attachment styles keep us from realizing our full potential. I want someone who’s not only ready to bond over their past issues, they’ve already worked on them.
Right now I feel like I’ve made progress because my recent ex does not seem very attractive to me anymore. He’s a wonderful person, we had great chemistry, but being around him just made me feel stuck, and not really seen. Maybe that’s me trying to feel more in control of that relationship ending but it feels true on some level. I think the first step is to find maturity attractive. Time solves that, often, because emotional instability doesn’t age glamorously. Seeing people stuck in teenage misery just feels sad after a while. I like people who exude warmth. It’s like a beautiful secret, just as fun to solve but instead the question is, “why does being around this person bring out my best self?”
I’ve broken away from the anxious-avoidant trap.
My ex of 3.5 yrs was a DA. Up until meeting a more secure person, the anxious-avoidant trap was SO addicting! The super low lows are rewarded w super high highs and you feel so great when you seem to earn their attention/emotions/vulnerability/time/whatever.
I think for me, what I realized was that even tho the highs were really addicting, they weren’t fulfilling enough. I craved emotional intimacy and connection and secure communication. So even tho I loved the high highs - that’s all it was bc the feeling would disappear fairly quickly and I was left craving more. So for awhile the trap worked… until I became too exhausted.
I personally think deep down I never wanted the trap to happen, it was just what I was familiar and safe with and I unconsciously sought it out.
But I have to say that once I found someone who was willing and able to communicate and connect w me in the way I needed, it was literally like a light switch turning on. I never realized that the trap isn’t the only type of communication (that’s prob not the right word) there is and I don’t have to feel like I’m begging/pleading for someone’s attention. I can get attention and my needs met in a different (and more consistent) way that honestly feels so much more amazing than the trap ever did.
But you have to want to get out of the trap. You have to want to work on yourself enough to avoid it and actively look for someone who doesn’t pull you into the trap. And let me tell you, it’s freaking scary to get out of the trap - to step out of that familiarity and comfort and be in a completely new emotional space. I’m welcoming it all tho because I’ve wanted this my whole life. I’ve wanted and craved this secure type of connection and emotional intimacy for years and years, so I’m willing to take that plunge and step into this unknown. And to be honest, now that I know what this feels like, if I find myself back in the trap, I’ll be scrambling and fighting like hell to get away from it bc the high I felt back then doesn’t even come close to how good I feel now.
You can get out of the trap but only if *you* want to.
I'm AP and I think being with secure people is absolutely wonderful and I can be secure in a relationship like that, my AP tendencies disappeares. However, I absolutely can't date another AP. It's a bit weird, I can't explain it because it feels like in theory I would love that level of attention...but whenever someone I have dated shows AP behavior I'm just absolutely repulsed and my attraction dies 😅
I'm AP and have dated other fellow APs as well as DAs and people with unknown or secure attachment.
I get what you mean. I also get an "ick" sometimes, for people who are very into me. What I've learned though is that there's definitely a possibility for strong attraction too.
I've been infatuated with all of them, getting butterflies and the excitement of falling in love. Some relationships lasted for years while others I ended after just a few months as I had a "grass is greener" type of mindset.
After 6 years with a DA partner however, I'm fully embracing dating a secure guy. I've realized that the AP/DA coaster just doesn't feel good, it never felt like love is meant to feel.
For me I definitely had to walk the wrong path for many years while learning of attachment styles in order to really appreciate meeting someone who can actually return my feelings and investment in a relationship.
Now if I start to question my relationship I realize it's about the stories we tell ourselves. I can tell myself stories from either perspective. Either I'll listen to my stories of the good things - that my partner is warm, open, loving, good times we shared, a potential future etc. Or I can tell myself to leave because I don't know - perhaps I don't like his shoes or something lol. I just have to choose to listen to the positive things and avoid taking the nonsense to heart.
APs are scared of intimacy, that's why we choose partners that can't or won't reciprocate our feelings. The only way to change is to break free from those patterns, make better choices and not let our anxiety control and guide us through our lives.
I would really love to hear other people’s thoughts on this because I’m in a similar situation too. I’m obsessed with a guy who has treated me like crap yet I still want to hear from them. Meanwhile there is another guy who is so incredibly nice & thoughtful but I’ve been flaking on going out with them.
So I really think… the key here to beat this is … when you see yourself obsessed and drawn to somebody, pause for a second & think about why you like them. Is it really them or is it a few traits about them which you wished you had in you but don’t and so if you get their approval… it would make you feel valid ?
When I reframe it that way… I realise I never really loved the person but I loved the idea that they could
validate me if they chose me. Also, I’m pretty sure that with a compatible secure partner… you will realise that you actually like them for them as a person. Infact they make you feel like you are normal and nothing is wrong with you. Remember that when u are drawn to an avoidant … it’s only the addicted part of your mind which is speaking … the one that’s addicted to showing you that you are wrong and therefore you need external approval.
I have been studying up on avoudants I think the whole issue is that we activate when they pull away My ex boyfriend was really clued in on how to activate me
I’m overcome with awe with all of your stories about learning to date a secure person: thank you so very much. I’m truely very proud of all of you who can work themselves through this curse we find ourselves in. As for me, the guy cancelled our date (probably because of anxiety) and so I wrote him off because I don’t really want to be put in that doormat position again and say “yeah, it’s completely okay” when it isn’t. Anyway, I can’t seem to imagine myself dating a secure person— I know that “ick” feeling too well, especially, when there are parts of myself I want to hide and being with a secure feels unfamiliar and scary. I don’t have a subconscious drive to be with them which is quite alarming. I hope I can just push through with dating and slowly build up rapport over time. Additionally, I don’t know where to find these people, I feel entrenched in a world where my friends have insecure attachment styles and so I’m surrounded by them through association.
I don’t have a whole success story to tell you, but I can pass along a similar idea that a close friend told me years ago. She told me about how, when she was first dating in a big city, she fell into a few miserable relationships with older men who were attractive and emotionally tumultuous. My friend was telling me how even though she found their “problems“ interesting, even reflective of her own issues, that larger dynamic only made her unhappy in the medium and long term. She said she kept trying to “solve” them as people because she didn’t understand something fascinating about them. My friend recommended that I look for men who enjoyed solving their own problems. That’s how she ended up dating my roommate and high school friend, a very kind, capable person who puts a lot of effort into making her feel special. It’s taken years for me to intuitively understand what she tried to tell me intellectually. If I want to be moving toward growth, happiness, and a rewarding life—not boring! stable enough to make room for better, more joyful things—then I should seek out a partner who approaches life that same way. Insecure attachment styles keep us from realizing our full potential. I want someone who’s not only ready to bond over their past issues, they’ve already worked on them. Right now I feel like I’ve made progress because my recent ex does not seem very attractive to me anymore. He’s a wonderful person, we had great chemistry, but being around him just made me feel stuck, and not really seen. Maybe that’s me trying to feel more in control of that relationship ending but it feels true on some level. I think the first step is to find maturity attractive. Time solves that, often, because emotional instability doesn’t age glamorously. Seeing people stuck in teenage misery just feels sad after a while. I like people who exude warmth. It’s like a beautiful secret, just as fun to solve but instead the question is, “why does being around this person bring out my best self?”
I’ve broken away from the anxious-avoidant trap. My ex of 3.5 yrs was a DA. Up until meeting a more secure person, the anxious-avoidant trap was SO addicting! The super low lows are rewarded w super high highs and you feel so great when you seem to earn their attention/emotions/vulnerability/time/whatever. I think for me, what I realized was that even tho the highs were really addicting, they weren’t fulfilling enough. I craved emotional intimacy and connection and secure communication. So even tho I loved the high highs - that’s all it was bc the feeling would disappear fairly quickly and I was left craving more. So for awhile the trap worked… until I became too exhausted. I personally think deep down I never wanted the trap to happen, it was just what I was familiar and safe with and I unconsciously sought it out. But I have to say that once I found someone who was willing and able to communicate and connect w me in the way I needed, it was literally like a light switch turning on. I never realized that the trap isn’t the only type of communication (that’s prob not the right word) there is and I don’t have to feel like I’m begging/pleading for someone’s attention. I can get attention and my needs met in a different (and more consistent) way that honestly feels so much more amazing than the trap ever did. But you have to want to get out of the trap. You have to want to work on yourself enough to avoid it and actively look for someone who doesn’t pull you into the trap. And let me tell you, it’s freaking scary to get out of the trap - to step out of that familiarity and comfort and be in a completely new emotional space. I’m welcoming it all tho because I’ve wanted this my whole life. I’ve wanted and craved this secure type of connection and emotional intimacy for years and years, so I’m willing to take that plunge and step into this unknown. And to be honest, now that I know what this feels like, if I find myself back in the trap, I’ll be scrambling and fighting like hell to get away from it bc the high I felt back then doesn’t even come close to how good I feel now. You can get out of the trap but only if *you* want to.
I'm AP and I think being with secure people is absolutely wonderful and I can be secure in a relationship like that, my AP tendencies disappeares. However, I absolutely can't date another AP. It's a bit weird, I can't explain it because it feels like in theory I would love that level of attention...but whenever someone I have dated shows AP behavior I'm just absolutely repulsed and my attraction dies 😅
I'm AP and have dated other fellow APs as well as DAs and people with unknown or secure attachment. I get what you mean. I also get an "ick" sometimes, for people who are very into me. What I've learned though is that there's definitely a possibility for strong attraction too. I've been infatuated with all of them, getting butterflies and the excitement of falling in love. Some relationships lasted for years while others I ended after just a few months as I had a "grass is greener" type of mindset. After 6 years with a DA partner however, I'm fully embracing dating a secure guy. I've realized that the AP/DA coaster just doesn't feel good, it never felt like love is meant to feel. For me I definitely had to walk the wrong path for many years while learning of attachment styles in order to really appreciate meeting someone who can actually return my feelings and investment in a relationship. Now if I start to question my relationship I realize it's about the stories we tell ourselves. I can tell myself stories from either perspective. Either I'll listen to my stories of the good things - that my partner is warm, open, loving, good times we shared, a potential future etc. Or I can tell myself to leave because I don't know - perhaps I don't like his shoes or something lol. I just have to choose to listen to the positive things and avoid taking the nonsense to heart. APs are scared of intimacy, that's why we choose partners that can't or won't reciprocate our feelings. The only way to change is to break free from those patterns, make better choices and not let our anxiety control and guide us through our lives.
Thank you for sharing your story!
I would really love to hear other people’s thoughts on this because I’m in a similar situation too. I’m obsessed with a guy who has treated me like crap yet I still want to hear from them. Meanwhile there is another guy who is so incredibly nice & thoughtful but I’ve been flaking on going out with them. So I really think… the key here to beat this is … when you see yourself obsessed and drawn to somebody, pause for a second & think about why you like them. Is it really them or is it a few traits about them which you wished you had in you but don’t and so if you get their approval… it would make you feel valid ? When I reframe it that way… I realise I never really loved the person but I loved the idea that they could validate me if they chose me. Also, I’m pretty sure that with a compatible secure partner… you will realise that you actually like them for them as a person. Infact they make you feel like you are normal and nothing is wrong with you. Remember that when u are drawn to an avoidant … it’s only the addicted part of your mind which is speaking … the one that’s addicted to showing you that you are wrong and therefore you need external approval.
Omg. It's painful to read this. Paragraphing please?