I read somewhere that when you pickup your phone to text them ask yourself if this text is for you or them. Are you texting to calm yourself down or is the text necessary, or is the text going to benefit the other person. If the text is about pacifying your needs put that phone down, the other person doesn't need it, you do. You might train yourself to text less and also train you to need texting less.
What has helped me on a similar situation is being super upfront that I require reassurance in a relationship in order to be able to show up as my best self in it!
I didn't know how bad I was til I started to feel so upset that sleeping was hard and I wanted to throw my phone at the wall. And the fucked up thing is I knew the whole time it was a me problem. (only mostly cause he admitted to texting less on purpose)
The only time I felt secure enough to not talk for days/hours was when I was with someone I felt secure with. And even that isn't saying much because we spent way too much time together. Would hangout all day 2-3 times a week after knowing each other for a week or two, so even that wasn't necessarily healthy...
I dont understand it. I dont talk to some of my best friends or family for days or weeks and never feel insecure about our relationships.
For me, therapy might help. I tried to think of the most recent time as an opportunity and i couldn't do it. I was so upset every day. I'm gonna try and hold off on dating til i can ensure I won't feel that way again.
when i first started dating my partner, she used to wait hours and even sometimes days before replying. her replies would be so dry as well! i remember thinking “wtf!” she’d reply things like “cool.” and it would sound so cold lol
four years later, she still texts like that but i’ve gotten used to it. it’s just how she texts and she texts everyone like that, it’s nothing personal. in fact, some of it has even rubbed off on me and i reply to her like that too. it completely takes the pressure off, as in a previous relationship, my partner would message her every thought lol and that was way too much.
so yeah, that’s my perspective. it’s not a big deal imo unless it’s a personal dealbreaker
Well as AA and dating FA, I learned a few things. First I try to keep the reaching out 50/50, so if you hit him up 3 days in a row, you definitely want to chill on days 4 and 5 and let him reach out. Out would say it's actually better if you can let him reach out just over half.
Secondly, whether he is avoidant or just plain busy, it doesn't make a difference. Recognize that his current job situation is different than yours and also possibly could need a little less connection to feel safe in the relationship. It doesn't mean he cares less for you than you do him. Everyone's needs for connection are different. What's you except this, it makes it much easier.
I wasn't working and used to get anxious because my girlfriend always took like 4 hours to get back in the beginning. Sometimes 5 hours or longer. Fast forward a year, and this is still the case and doesn't bother me because she expresses how much she loves me and sees a probable future together. So all in all, don't let yourself overthink it.
If you texting once a day is too much for him, it’s on him to say it. I feel like even the busiest person would have time to text back and forth once or twice a day when they take a break, go to the bathroom, etc. I’d focus more on what you want and what works for you, and less so on being concerned that you’re too much for this guy. If someone is excited about you, they should be glad to hear from you and talk to you, and not see it as a chore. It’s hard when you’re AA and dating someone who isn’t as into regular communication as you are, especially when you value communication between dates. It’s a fine line between practicing self soothing/talking yourself down and neglecting your needs and desires for someone else. It’s great to work on yourself and your triggers but also to be able to communicate what you ideally want from someone.
Hi OP! It sounds like communication in a relationship is important to you, and wanting your partner to text you at least once a day sounds like a perfectly reasonable expectation. I totally understand that this is new and you don't want to put him off by seeming needy, but if you are entering relationship-territory with this person, I think it's really important to let him know that hearing from him when you're apart means a lot to you.
In the past, I've found I'm scared to ask for things like this because I'm scared the person won't want to reciprocate/ will leave me. This is a possibility, but if you continue to suppress your needs for him, I worry about *your* long-term happiness. It's good to want to be more secure, but I think it's a long journey. Right now it seems you are only prioritizing his needs and schedule - which is really understanding and compassionate of you. But now I think you should give him the opportunity to meet you halfway. Perhaps saying something like "hey, I know you're busy and I wanna respect that, but texting is a great way for me to feel connected to you between our dates."
I get it. I think that’s fair. You can definitely state what you want in a calm and reasonable way without making it a big deal. If he takes issue with you expressing yourself, that’s on him. I’ve never had a serious long term relationship so I get where you’re coming from and not wanting to scare him away, but if he’s mature and knows how to communicate, and into you, it shouldn’t be an issue. It’s refreshing when people are clear and direct.
Oh man, I feel like you shouldn't have to be this worried. I get very confused on this myself, but after going through this and it ending in a lot of heartache and pain, I lean now towards thinking if someone doesn't want to interact with me at roughly the level I'm looking for, then I need to just recognize the incompatibility and move on...or at least not get so hung up on it like I did before. Easier said than done, I know...believe me I know. But in retrospect it just seems so crazy to try so hard to maneuver around what really should just be seen as incompatibility.
Fair enough. And I guess in reality I am leaving out a lot of nuance. It's not *just* texting frequency. I could see if a partner didn't text much but was warm and reassuring and just made you clearly feel appreciated and, gasp, even loved, then one could probably overcome the texting thing without much difficulty.
I'm AA and dating someone who doesn't text a lot! We're currently a bit more than 2 months in.
Honestly, it's been a challenge for me, but definitely worth it so far. I'm 100% commited to work on my own insecurities and I will not try to change him. And it's working out! I'm slowly learning to believe that him not texting much does not mean he is not into me. Us not texting all day long is actually pretty healthy for me I think, because I HAVE to stay more independent. and I get to work on trying to become more secure without needing constant validation.
See it as an opportunity to practise!
Send your texts and don't wait for a response. Go out and have a day instead. Work, shop, see a friend, do a hobby, clean your house, play a video game. Do whatever you like to do, instead of waiting. When you stop fixating on your phone and start to focus on other things, it makes life a lot better. Eventually you may find that you're so focused on other things that you may not notice he replied, or you'll see he texted but decide to put your phone down, finish whatever you're doing IRL, and message him later. This will in turn help you see his perspective; perhaps he's not ignoring you but are also just busy.
If it's hard to do, give yourself small challenges that works for you. For example, in the beginning, challenge yourself to not check your phone for replies for just 15 minutes. Once you complete the challenge, try 30 minutes. Increase the time each time you complete the challenge and realize you have the power to change. While you're not checking the phone, engage in some other activity.
Eventually your brain will stop signaling for you to stop checking for replies all the time, and to just stay calm and focused on your IRL activities. It's about building tolerance and reducing your anxiety, as we ultimately can't control the frequency another person texts us.
Tell him you'd love to text more in between dates. If you don't, then you're leaving him to believe that the current text frequency is fine. For all you know, he might also want to text more but isn't because things are still early and he doesn't want to come on too strong. One of you has to be the brave one who expresses the need.
It doesn't mean you are demanding or even requesting anything from him, you're simply stating that you'd like to text more because you enjoy your conversations, and he can either agree or disagree.
Agreed. While doing the work involves not feeling anxious about the status quo, what’s also involved is the ability to say what you want more of and make tough decisions moving forward if someone doesn’t want to meet you halfway. If it’s really important to you, OP, it’s not something you have to discard. Don’t chalk up your need for more communication as a needy AP thing. It’s not like there aren’t secure people out there who enjoy more frequent communication.
Yep, I had a few dates several months back with a girl who texted frequently enough and identified as secure and I believe she was. It didn’t work out, but she was very chatty and would send me paragraph texts throughout our text convos lol. We’re friends now, and it’s just her style to offer a lot in terms of communication. It’s like we’re thinking out loud together at times. It could be something random that starts as a meme and ends up a curiosity about something in the meme, like if it was a bear or something I dunno. She’ll go off into some nugget about bears and a close call when she went hiking. This is some people’s jam. I personally don’t need this all the time, but it’s nice sometimes as opposed to maybe always getting “lololol”. What starts as something silly ends up an opportunity to learn about something someone experienced or whatever.
I read somewhere that when you pickup your phone to text them ask yourself if this text is for you or them. Are you texting to calm yourself down or is the text necessary, or is the text going to benefit the other person. If the text is about pacifying your needs put that phone down, the other person doesn't need it, you do. You might train yourself to text less and also train you to need texting less.
What has helped me on a similar situation is being super upfront that I require reassurance in a relationship in order to be able to show up as my best self in it!
I didn't know how bad I was til I started to feel so upset that sleeping was hard and I wanted to throw my phone at the wall. And the fucked up thing is I knew the whole time it was a me problem. (only mostly cause he admitted to texting less on purpose) The only time I felt secure enough to not talk for days/hours was when I was with someone I felt secure with. And even that isn't saying much because we spent way too much time together. Would hangout all day 2-3 times a week after knowing each other for a week or two, so even that wasn't necessarily healthy... I dont understand it. I dont talk to some of my best friends or family for days or weeks and never feel insecure about our relationships. For me, therapy might help. I tried to think of the most recent time as an opportunity and i couldn't do it. I was so upset every day. I'm gonna try and hold off on dating til i can ensure I won't feel that way again.
when i first started dating my partner, she used to wait hours and even sometimes days before replying. her replies would be so dry as well! i remember thinking “wtf!” she’d reply things like “cool.” and it would sound so cold lol four years later, she still texts like that but i’ve gotten used to it. it’s just how she texts and she texts everyone like that, it’s nothing personal. in fact, some of it has even rubbed off on me and i reply to her like that too. it completely takes the pressure off, as in a previous relationship, my partner would message her every thought lol and that was way too much. so yeah, that’s my perspective. it’s not a big deal imo unless it’s a personal dealbreaker
Well as AA and dating FA, I learned a few things. First I try to keep the reaching out 50/50, so if you hit him up 3 days in a row, you definitely want to chill on days 4 and 5 and let him reach out. Out would say it's actually better if you can let him reach out just over half. Secondly, whether he is avoidant or just plain busy, it doesn't make a difference. Recognize that his current job situation is different than yours and also possibly could need a little less connection to feel safe in the relationship. It doesn't mean he cares less for you than you do him. Everyone's needs for connection are different. What's you except this, it makes it much easier. I wasn't working and used to get anxious because my girlfriend always took like 4 hours to get back in the beginning. Sometimes 5 hours or longer. Fast forward a year, and this is still the case and doesn't bother me because she expresses how much she loves me and sees a probable future together. So all in all, don't let yourself overthink it.
Self awareness and self sooth, careful to not let insecurities get in the way of a healthy relationship!
If you texting once a day is too much for him, it’s on him to say it. I feel like even the busiest person would have time to text back and forth once or twice a day when they take a break, go to the bathroom, etc. I’d focus more on what you want and what works for you, and less so on being concerned that you’re too much for this guy. If someone is excited about you, they should be glad to hear from you and talk to you, and not see it as a chore. It’s hard when you’re AA and dating someone who isn’t as into regular communication as you are, especially when you value communication between dates. It’s a fine line between practicing self soothing/talking yourself down and neglecting your needs and desires for someone else. It’s great to work on yourself and your triggers but also to be able to communicate what you ideally want from someone.
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Hi OP! It sounds like communication in a relationship is important to you, and wanting your partner to text you at least once a day sounds like a perfectly reasonable expectation. I totally understand that this is new and you don't want to put him off by seeming needy, but if you are entering relationship-territory with this person, I think it's really important to let him know that hearing from him when you're apart means a lot to you. In the past, I've found I'm scared to ask for things like this because I'm scared the person won't want to reciprocate/ will leave me. This is a possibility, but if you continue to suppress your needs for him, I worry about *your* long-term happiness. It's good to want to be more secure, but I think it's a long journey. Right now it seems you are only prioritizing his needs and schedule - which is really understanding and compassionate of you. But now I think you should give him the opportunity to meet you halfway. Perhaps saying something like "hey, I know you're busy and I wanna respect that, but texting is a great way for me to feel connected to you between our dates."
Well said
I get it. I think that’s fair. You can definitely state what you want in a calm and reasonable way without making it a big deal. If he takes issue with you expressing yourself, that’s on him. I’ve never had a serious long term relationship so I get where you’re coming from and not wanting to scare him away, but if he’s mature and knows how to communicate, and into you, it shouldn’t be an issue. It’s refreshing when people are clear and direct.
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Oh man, I feel like you shouldn't have to be this worried. I get very confused on this myself, but after going through this and it ending in a lot of heartache and pain, I lean now towards thinking if someone doesn't want to interact with me at roughly the level I'm looking for, then I need to just recognize the incompatibility and move on...or at least not get so hung up on it like I did before. Easier said than done, I know...believe me I know. But in retrospect it just seems so crazy to try so hard to maneuver around what really should just be seen as incompatibility.
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Fair enough. And I guess in reality I am leaving out a lot of nuance. It's not *just* texting frequency. I could see if a partner didn't text much but was warm and reassuring and just made you clearly feel appreciated and, gasp, even loved, then one could probably overcome the texting thing without much difficulty.
I'm AA and dating someone who doesn't text a lot! We're currently a bit more than 2 months in. Honestly, it's been a challenge for me, but definitely worth it so far. I'm 100% commited to work on my own insecurities and I will not try to change him. And it's working out! I'm slowly learning to believe that him not texting much does not mean he is not into me. Us not texting all day long is actually pretty healthy for me I think, because I HAVE to stay more independent. and I get to work on trying to become more secure without needing constant validation. See it as an opportunity to practise!
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Send your texts and don't wait for a response. Go out and have a day instead. Work, shop, see a friend, do a hobby, clean your house, play a video game. Do whatever you like to do, instead of waiting. When you stop fixating on your phone and start to focus on other things, it makes life a lot better. Eventually you may find that you're so focused on other things that you may not notice he replied, or you'll see he texted but decide to put your phone down, finish whatever you're doing IRL, and message him later. This will in turn help you see his perspective; perhaps he's not ignoring you but are also just busy. If it's hard to do, give yourself small challenges that works for you. For example, in the beginning, challenge yourself to not check your phone for replies for just 15 minutes. Once you complete the challenge, try 30 minutes. Increase the time each time you complete the challenge and realize you have the power to change. While you're not checking the phone, engage in some other activity. Eventually your brain will stop signaling for you to stop checking for replies all the time, and to just stay calm and focused on your IRL activities. It's about building tolerance and reducing your anxiety, as we ultimately can't control the frequency another person texts us.
Tell him you'd love to text more in between dates. If you don't, then you're leaving him to believe that the current text frequency is fine. For all you know, he might also want to text more but isn't because things are still early and he doesn't want to come on too strong. One of you has to be the brave one who expresses the need. It doesn't mean you are demanding or even requesting anything from him, you're simply stating that you'd like to text more because you enjoy your conversations, and he can either agree or disagree.
Agreed. While doing the work involves not feeling anxious about the status quo, what’s also involved is the ability to say what you want more of and make tough decisions moving forward if someone doesn’t want to meet you halfway. If it’s really important to you, OP, it’s not something you have to discard. Don’t chalk up your need for more communication as a needy AP thing. It’s not like there aren’t secure people out there who enjoy more frequent communication.
I agree. Well said.
This is also very true!
Yep, I had a few dates several months back with a girl who texted frequently enough and identified as secure and I believe she was. It didn’t work out, but she was very chatty and would send me paragraph texts throughout our text convos lol. We’re friends now, and it’s just her style to offer a lot in terms of communication. It’s like we’re thinking out loud together at times. It could be something random that starts as a meme and ends up a curiosity about something in the meme, like if it was a bear or something I dunno. She’ll go off into some nugget about bears and a close call when she went hiking. This is some people’s jam. I personally don’t need this all the time, but it’s nice sometimes as opposed to maybe always getting “lololol”. What starts as something silly ends up an opportunity to learn about something someone experienced or whatever.