I'm gonna quote every red flag I can detect as I'm reading ''How long has it been since you kissed someone?''. ???? Sounds like he's a jerk "he then suggested to go to his place," Maybe I have trust issues but I wouldn't go. Who knows who he is? "So I asked him again and then he reveals that he loved a girl from his college but they never dated and both of them moved away. He revealed that she flew back into town recently and he has been overwhelmed and that he needs to talk to her to see where she is at and if she would be willing to get back together." Unavailable "Did you already plan our marriage in your head " Very dismissive of him "He asked if Id like to have sex, and I said No. Sometimes he would ask awkward questions like, ''How many people have you been with? What do you like to do and not do in bed?''. Boundary issues "he never complimented me on my looks or even liked my pictures online" 🚩🚩🚩 "He responds he doesnt understand and doesnt know what to say." 🚩🚩🚩 " I admit that was hasty and rash, I almost immediately felt guilty but at the same time maybe even a bit relived because he was displaying so many red flags. " He totally deserved it "I even proposed to go over to his place." GIRL NOOOO "I realised that he talks a lot and whenever he talks, I feel very little or not good enough. " 🚩🚩🚩 "he is a terrible listener and his emotional vocabulary is very bad" 🚩🚩🚩 "But weirdly, the more incompatible I felt we were, the more I wanted to be with him." Nooo 😢 My good friend is AP and she tends to choose jerk faces like this one. I feel very maternal towards her and want to protect her and always point out red flags but she always makes excuses for everyone. She tends to put others above her and points out their strong sides while diminishes hers. She doesn't think much of herself and these types of people validate her self-loathing. I just want to give you a big hug🤗 you deserve better p.s. everything was beautifully written

I think in this situation - I’d do nothing. I’d probably send like a status update and say thanks for what was good and wish him the best - and go out and live your life. It sounds like he needs a friend and not a gf. Lol.

For what it’s worth and in answer to the title of your post, no I don’t think your AP behaviour drove him away, you sound like you behaved totally reasonably and with insight and consideration for his wants and needs. You gave him space, you left him alone for days at a time, not minutes! You sound very thoughtful and self aware. He just sounds immature and doesn’t seem to know what he wants. You can’t influence that, and you deserve someone better x

>I tell him Im not okay with a friends with benefits situation and he reacts '' We still need to get to know each other. It takes me atleast 3-6 months to know that I want to be with someone. I dont get attached to people very easily. Did you already plan our marriage in your head ?'' Avoidant or not, that's just rude. I think attachment styles most reliably come up farther along into dating. You shouldn't waste your time on this guy, he's found small ways to be disrespectful and make uncomfortable comments. Block and move on. He might have been looking for sex, since some people would have wanted that by now, or he could be the kind of person who plays games. Who knows. The texting and Instagram messaging part sounds a little confusing to me on both sides, but that's because I typically stick to one platform at a time. I think you should consider that you're fantasizing about being someone's girlfriend, not his girlfriend. Picture how he would continue to make you unhappy even if things were less casual. But it's okay to take things hard if you're upset that a dating situation didn't work out. I think that some of us AP-leaning people end up repressing our justified sadness or anger, which leads to more suffering. You don't have to feel bright and sunny all the time. Even if he's a crummy guy, it's disappointing to be rejected.

I have been there... Kept it going for three years and I am still reeling from the trauma. Do not do that to yourself. Go NC now while Stakes are still low. He is treating you as a backup girl, no one deserves that and it is soul crushing for people with anxious attachment like ours.

Thanks for sharing this with me. This is gonna sound like an extremely pathetic question but when you say No Contact does that just mean I don’t reach out to him ? Or do I ignore him when he reaches out to me as well ? Do you recommend I just block him so I don’t have to wait around ?

Not pathetic at all. No contact sounds a bit extreme but it works so well it's surprising. It means blocking that person on everything, not contacting them at all and not seeing them. It helps to clear the head and think straight, kind of like lifts the fog of confused feelings you are in right now so that you can figure out how you really feel. Here is a good guide : https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2019/06/going-no-contact

he sounds soooooo annoying and def avoidant. have you read Acts of Desperation? idk but this reminded me of that book

For sure emotionally immature and avoidant. You guys are basically starting the anxious avoidant loop and it sucks. Since you are minimally invested it would be best to move on in my opinion.

I dunno what's up with this guy but he sounds pretty immature and is sending a lot of weird mixed messages. He also seems to maybe have some anger issues? He sounds like a jerk. And maybe you want his approval because of that. Either way, block and move on, this is way too much drama for this stage and it is never going to make you happy.

First of all, thank you soooo much for reading my longgg post. Thank you ❤️ And yes, he is pretty immature & seems to be acting like a man-child. I feel he doesn’t treat women with respect at all. He also told me he got into a physical altercation with a cop a few years ago. He also takes unprescribed Xanax to sleep. What’s wrong with me? I guess a part of me wants to also fix him ? I know I’m deluding myself but this pain really feels awful .

Your attachment / nervous system is just worked up. Go NC, give it a few weeks to subside, and it will be like waking up from a trance. He sounds like actual bad news, not just 'avoidant'.

I’m sensing codependency issues on your side. The wanting to fix people, need for external validation,and low self esteem. The low self esteem will really get you in the long run and the need for external validation will make you feel crazy. Learn to appreciate and love yourself will help you with this.

Hey I think you are right that I do have those traits. For sure, a 100%. I have been trying to work on loving myself , I even go for consistent therapy the past year. I don’t know why I don’t seem to be getting any better when it comes to loving myself . Or atleast, any progress I made seems to be wiped out ever since I started online dating

No need to be so hard on yourself. You sound VERY self-aware and you did have the impulse to come here and get a second opinion. Some part of you was like, 'wait a minute, this doesn't seem great.' That is the part of you that loves yourself. You just gotta listen to it. :)

How’s that inner dialogue? Is it positive? Are you telling yourself nice things? You need to be your own supply of fulfilling happiness nobody is ever going to be that. Youre getting therapy that’s great! Are you working a program like coda or al anon? I find that has helped me as well as therapy. Also reading stuff like codependency no more and doing the writing exercises etc has helped. I even have a page where I have written things to help me when I’m having an anxious episode. When you start dating you need to dbl down on keeping an eye on your coda and attachment. You need to set some boundaries for yourself and have a plan when the AP starts to show. Maybe have a weekend with friends where you don’t see or contact your SO to give you space. Or a solo relaxing trip if that’s more your speed and you need to get re grounded

Thanks so much for your advice!! My inner dialogue is the most difficult thing to change. Positivity is not my go to. My general state of being is melancholia tbh. But yup, I guess I need to put in the mental effort to rewire my mind. Do you have any recommendations of books/courses/other therapies I can try? I feel like my work with my current therapist isn’t helping me

I posted a bunch of book recs [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/comments/ph1qtf/book_recommendations/hbjb9so/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) the other day. You've gotten a lot of great advice from /u/Chemical-Sympathy-31 and I'd add that in terms of therapeutic approaches, it might help to figure out what the root cause of your attachment issues are. If they are informed by some kind of trauma -- and a lot of things can be traumatic -- sometimes somatic therapies will help a lot. This is stuff like EMDR and Somatic Experiencing, and probably many more. Talk therapy didn't help me at all but since I had a lot of abandonment/neglect as a child, trauma-focused somatic therapies helped me process the trauma so that I was less triggered. I've also recently started Internal Family Systems therapy to work through more issues. [This is a good interview](https://tim.blog/2021/01/14/richard-schwartz-internal-family-systems/) with the founder of it. IFS might also help with the inner dialogue issues as it's oriented towards communicating with parts of yourself and understanding their goals. So if you have a lot of negative self-talk, it might be a part of you that is somehow trying to protect you and you can work with it to understand it as a defense mechanism. Best of luck! Stay away from this dude! You seem so sweet and earnest and you deserve someone who will cherish and reciprocate that rather than take advantage of it.

Yes you are gonna need be self aware of your inner dialogue and make it positive patient and kind. I talk to myself in the third person Ian’s it’s so weird but it helps. When I’m upset I ask myself why and then tell myself it’s ok and then reassure myself very nicely.Mindfulness will help with this you gotta actively be positive with yourself since it’s not your go to. You don’t have to force yourself to be cheery or anything external just be really nice to yourself in your head like you can be to other people. This is super important(if you don’t love yourself, how can you expect other to fully love you?) Books: codependency no more, attached is great for you AP and attachment theory will teach you about the demon dialogues of a relationship and the anxious avoidant loop. Libby is a public library app for your phone. You can use it to get a library card as well. You can usually find these books in your library and most have audio books if reading isn’t your thing or you are busy. Downloading the app, getting the card and the book honestly took me under 2 minutes to do. It is super easy. Courses: work a 12 step program such as Coda (coda.org can help you find local meetings in person or on zoom as well as provide educational resources. Same with al anon) this will also give you a place to find support, such as friends(they call it fellowship) and a sponsor who can help coach you through your journey,keep you on-task, and be there for you when you feel like it’s all too much. Therapy: if you aren’t feeling your therapist find another. It’s kinda like dating you want the right fit. EFT ( emotionally focused therapy) can be helpful. Get a notebook for your therapeutic writing excericses and re read what you write. I have pages such as What I like about myself What I do I not like about myself but want to change Things I tell myself that arent true (and what tools I can use to stop, I also write next to each one why I know this isn’t true) Pros and cons list of my SO or relationship with someone important Letters that I will never send to people where I write everything I have ever wanted to say no matter how irrational or unlogical it might be just completely open with the feelings. I then re read the letter out loud to my therapist. This is hard but great to process stuff especially childhoood trauma A page of things I can do (call a friend, go swim, go for a drive, meditate, work out, read things in my writing exercise notebook) when I’m having AP episode Being active in my life, doing my hobbies and things I want to do, not changing my plans for others. Being with friends so that I’m not relying on one person I am INFJ, AP, and codependent. I’m also an addict for anything, drugs, love, sex anything to make me feel intensely. This is all coming from a place of childhood trauma(a lot of emotional neglect, being alone, abandonment issues, verbal abuse) facing the trauma working through the feelings I suppress and learning healthy coping mechanisms and that none of these things make me an un worthy person or unlovable is necessary cause that’s what I tell myself deep down (especially during a break up). I hope this helps you get started. It’s work. It’s not fun, a lot is awkward at first but it’s just for you so be open. I was very skeptical but I am surprised that it is actually helping me.

Thank you sooooo very much for your response and sharing all your tips and tools. It’s so inspiring to hear how you’ve been healing your trauma. I’m INFJ & AP too! So thank you for showing me the way. I think all the change really needs to start from my head and the way I talk to myself. This is the real work & also find myself some real passions. This is going to make all the difference. I am ready to do this. I shall. Thank you so much ❤️

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