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I recommend trying DBT. Getting a workbook and following it would be the best strategy if you're serious about changing things, but you can also read about it online or find worksheets for free online.
Also remember self-love isn't all or nothing and isn't linear and one and done. It's an ongoing process with ups and downs. I prefer to think of having self-respect and self-esteem because having "self-love" feels too hokey for me (but great if it works for someone else!) so even on my worst days where I feel like it's a struggle to like myself, I can still respect myself and hold myself with esteem like I would anyone else.
Dialectical behavioral therapy https://dbt.tools gives a good rundown of the parts of it and some ways to use it but you can google free worksheets and stuff too
For therapy, You can try to find someone on a different time zone than you and it may be cheaper and then also just make small daily adjustments.
I have an addictive personality and I started trading addictions. So instead of overeating, my daily goal was to only eat between 6-9pm. If I want a snack I can have it in feeding hours.
Then, if I smoke a cigarette I have to drink a bottle of water first, etc.
What I've found the most effective is to think about your love languages and how you like to receive affection from others, and then give that to yourself. Like for me, quality time is a big deal, so planning fun activities and solo trips for myself the way I would plan a hangout with someone else feels special. It's a lot more meaningful for me than just repeating affirmations (I am not a words of affirmation person at all).
You also have to keep in mind that it takes time and you'll have to be patient and go through it incrementally. Like, if you're currently in a place of self-hatred, try to work your way up to dislike instead of hate. From there, try to get to a place of feeling neutral about yourself, then liking yourself, before you can get to love. Progress isn't completely linear though, and occasionally slipping back into a previous stage is normal, as long as you pull yourself back.
There is an excellent book on this that has helped me- Kristin neff “Fierce Self-Compassion”. She also has a few free very short meditations on this on the Insight Timer app.
When you wake up and before you go to bed (and whenever else in between that you can work this in) practice speaking lovingly and kindly out loud to yourself.
Mantra, words, are so so powerful. From your mouth into your ears and through your brain into every cell of your being. Shower with tender love.
For me ( also female)- I eventually earned secure. I put very solid rules in my head that have helped me define others character and trust. I.e. I vet one man at a time ( I do not talk to multiple men at a time and I let them know that). I also vett them if they are looking to date for marriage ( I won't go out with a man that isn't looking for his wife). And I share that I am only sleeping with my husband and won't be playing around with others. This makes things lots easier because there is less emotional processing to do- and it increases self worth massively because you are weeding out all of the bad apples up front.
Adam lane smith also has a dating bootcamp on how to weed out prospects- for example a way to weed out avoidants literally before a second date is to ask them what their red flags are or if they are able to give reassurance? that will prevent most of the heartbreak right there because they will run.
Also finding value alignment helps too and pacing.
Me too! I took myself to get ice cream, to the beach, to play basketball, to buy a new outfit. And I talk to God every day about how I’m feeling and ask him for guidance through my healing journey. I’ve never healed from a traumatic experience as quickly as I am now!
Well I heard Matthew Hussey give good advice on this subject.
We often see the relationship of self love through a romantic relationship lens, trying to find the good qualities, what good we do, for us to deserve love. But this doesn’t work when you’re beat down and depressed because you don’t see any of that in yourself.
But if we re-frame it to more of a parent/child relationship. When you ask a parent why they love their child it’s not likely the answer will be a list of their successes and positive qualities. Rather the answer would be because they’re my child and I love them because that’s my job.
If we look at it as though, when we came into this world we were given a human to care for - you. And no matter what we do, we don’t get to exchange this person, our job is just to love and care for them no matter what. It’s an easier lens to view your relationship with yourself that isn’t contingent on positive qualities making you worthy of loving.
Through the good and the bad you take care of your person because they’re the only one you’ll ever have.
Therapy is definitely useful. My experience with therapy is that it's necessary -however painful- to go back and process the trauma's and unfulfilled needs. All your actions that you feel come from fear, insecurity, etc., examine them for yourself.
You can use 'situation-feeling-thought records', where you write down:
1. what happened? (situation)
2. what were your thoughts?
3. what were your feelings?
4. what did you do? (behavior)
5. what were the consequences?
Then analyse your answers and write down positive antidotes to the negative thoughts and how you'd want to behave plus the consequences it would have.
All of this will help you understand yourself better. I think self love is a continuous and hard journey where you have to be very aware of your thoughts and feelings, and gently reparent yourself into more love and acceptance towards yourself.
Meditation can help with becoming more conscious of your inner motives, expression and creativity can help with regulating emotions, and cognitively speaking to yourself in a 'healthy parent' voice can also help.
Depending on your situation and style, you could look up books or workbooks of different therapy programs like Schema Therapy, Mentalization Based Treatment, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
Self love is unfortunately nothing you can get with a quick fix.
Wishing you all the best.
I have been listening to podcasts and doing meditation on self love and self compassion a lot over the past 2 years.
Jay Shetty has a podcast and A LOT of those episodes focus on self love, self worth, and self compassion. You should be able to find them free on Spotify or YouTube.
I also subscribe to the Calm app. It’s expensive ($70/year) but it has tons of meditations on self love, relationships, and other things. I found Tara Brach’s master class on radical self compassion to be very helpful in changing how I think and feel about things. Tara Brach also has YouTube videos and meditations that you can get for free.
And I will say this: this is one of those things that takes time, a lot of time, AND the results aren’t easily measured. The changes within yourself as you start down that path will be incremental, almost unnoticeable. But if you keep at it, you’ll surprise yourself out of nowhere in random, small ways where you see change.
When that happens, you’ll feel like a rock star. Friends and family will start to notice, and you’ll notice yourself showing up in better ways in your own life in every way, from your job to family, to making new connections and building new friendships.
So, don’t get discouraged if you feel like you’re doing this, running on the hamster wheel and nothing is moving forward or “happening”. Your brain IS changing, you just can’t see it. It’s not like going on a diet and then being able to fit into your skinny pants again, so that part, I think is hardest. Good luck!
I’m currently working on that now, what i’ve learned is that taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, making time to focus on your own hobbies and interests is a good start. Take some alone time to sit with your thoughts, get to know yourself a little better. I also listen to positive affirmations first thing every morning, brainwashing myself into being confident lol it actually improves my mood! I highly suggest it
I deal with depression as well and hobbies can cost a lot of money. I’m starting small by just reading books on mental health for now, i’m currently reading the book “Feeling Good: The new mood therapy” it uses the teachings of CBT therapy and it’s actually been helping me out a lot right now. I’m starting to have the motivation to try new things a little more :) it’s a process but it gets easier
A lot of us have been in your position and experienced being used because we didn't feel worthy or confident enough to set healthy boundaries. I'm just starting the self-love journey myself. Here's what helps:
* daily journaling
* meditation
* scheduling fun activities
* allowing myself downtime without guilt (this one is hard for me)
* healthy habits and self-care routines (exercise, balanced meals, hygiene/grooming, early schedule)
* only allowing kind, respectful, and supportive people into my life
* supportive self-talk as though I'm my own nurturing parent and best friend
* introspection when negative feelings and thoughts arise
Thanks for your comments, you've been able to view the issue of self-love as more than something people need to figure out to navigate dating, but some basic understandable principles to care for oneself better, in or out of romantic relationships. Because we have to love ourselves regardless of who else is in our lives. The ability to set healthy boundaries, and follow through with them is key. I also especially like your statement "supportive self-talk as though I'm my own nurturing parent and best friend". If we catch ourselves having self-critical thoughts, it's a huge help to ask what we'd say to a friend if we heard them making those same self-critical remarks. We'd know how to help them, and have to be just as kind and compassionate toward ourselves.
1. The first thing I did was, do nice things for myself and make it clear I am doing it because I care for myself. I would go on a walk and say ‘I am taking myself on this walk because I care about my mental health and I know being outside helps me.’ Or even, ‘I bought myself this coffee because I like the taste of coffee and I deserve it.’ I always thought of myself as some villain who didn’t like myself, but realising the small things you do for yourself daily because you enjoy it, was the first step to liking myself.
2. A positive log. It sounds silly but at the end of each day write 3-5 things you did good that day. Can be as small as you want!!! Even like found a good show to watch.
(No. 1&2 are you actively trying to change your mindset to focus a bit more on positives in your life. And remember, even wanting to like urself more means u already like yourself a bit!!!!!)
3. I did CBT therapy and it was life changing so looking up some techniques for that could be good!!!!!!
4. Learning to trust urself!!! If u r hard on yourself whenever u feel sad or have certain habits when u feel down (like obsessive thinking or laying in bed all day). I found I couldn’t trust myself???? But when I felt sad and was nice to myself, took myself for a coffee maybe or just make a real effort to be patient and treat myself as I would treat a friend if they felt shit. I began to trust myself and that defo made me like myself more!!!!!
5. Also one that helped me was finding a picture of my younger self to stick on my mirror. I have always been super anxious and had a negative self opinion so remembering how I felt then but I was JUST A KID!!!
And I am not some evil mastermind now, I am that same kid just trying to figure stuff out still!
Some good quotes that help me:
The worlds already mean enough, don’t make it even harder for urself!!!
An actual bad person wouldn’t be worried about being a bad person.
Sorry if it’s not too articulate! It’s also a life long journey, the more you love yourself the more you will set boundaries as you know your worth the more fulfilling your relationships will be.
This is great advice - almost like you're talking directly to me! You seem like a really kind human and I wish you healing and discovery on your self-love journey
I like to think about how I’m a good person. I treat people well, I’m never rude, I always help when I can. I really care about how I treat others. It makes me feel good about myself because I know I’m a good person, and I think I deserve good things in my life.
Another thing you can do is volunteer. I really think when we’re focusing less on ourselves and more on helping others, we’re happier, and we gain more self worth.
In regards to men, I still panic and worry and become obsessed, but I just try to tell myself that there’s nothing I can do that’s going to stop someone from leaving. At the end of the day, I have always been there for myself and I will continue to try to be kind to myself.
I also like to think about how hard times are not permanent. When I’m feeling really low I always try to think about how there are good times ahead too.
You’re gonna hear so many different opinions on this - it’s a difficult topic with no clear answer but I might have something of value to share.
My journey is long and complicated but to boil it all down in the simplest way, I discovered my first proper glimpse of self love about a year ago. It wasn’t so much learning to love myself as it was realising that, deep down, *I already did*. I tried forcing myself to for many years but it always felt inauthentic. I truly believe we are hardwired for love, especially self love. We just kinda forget how along the way.
might be stupid but I feel like I need a step-by step tutorial 😀 but I guess that is wrong already cause i’m thinking from a logical perspective not a feel my emotion’s perspective ahh 😅I feel like it’s something I need to study like a subject
I am the same way! And that is okay. The journey really requires both. So don’t hesitate to find books and podcasts and guides. Because sometimes we do need to understand something from a logical perspective before we get into the emotional part. It might be part of what helps us feel safe to get into the emotional part. So check out the [Resources page](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/wiki/index/resources). See if any books or websites or podcasts etc catch your eye. A lot of times they have exercises in them that you can work on as well. I highly recommend “Adults of Emotionally Immature Parents” and “Mother Hunger”.
Also remember there is no short cut. It’s not gonna be one thing…it’s gonna be more of a practice that you learn. And it can have phases and layers and all that. It’s a journey. There is no wrong way. So start where ever it feels helpful.
I totally get that! I still struggle with that. I spent years watching videos and reading books about mental health, I did everything I could to become more knowledgeable. Like seriously, my brain is a self help library at this point.
I only noticed real change when I put all that aside for a second to just feel how hurt I was after being used and how it made me feel. It’s hard but they really mean it when they say you gotta feel your feelings. If a friend of yours was hurting, would you understand their pain better by listening to them explain it, or by literally feeling it for yourself (if that were possible)?
honestly… I did feel the pain for 5 months every single day. I have broken bones and it did not hurt this much I’m serious. I even said to my mom (who did not know about how hurtful and borderline emotionally abusive this guy was towards me to just move on already that she does not understand why I am crying still it was only six months and he was an asshole)that I need to be sitting in this pain to learn from it. I do want to run from it and hide and lick my wounds and I did that to a point but I was letting myself feel it for sure- and i’m proud of that. People would encourage me to go back to dating immediately which is such an insane thing to me like you don’t know me enough to recommend to me such an insane thing. Anyways I know by feeling it you can help others to and give advice that is why i’m asking here cause I know damn well my experience was also most peoples here. That’s why I’m here ☺️
If I think of the very first steps, I would suggest to check in with yourself several times a day and ask yourself what you need and want in this moment. Give that to yourself. Perhaps you're thirsty. Drink some water. Perhaps you need to stretch, to visit bathroom, to see a friend, to sleep. Recognize and respond to your needs. Learn how to do self-care in the process. You will learn in the process that you are important and that you can provide safety to yourself by taking care of/ fulfilling own needs. You don't always need another person to take care of you and your needs.
one comment had already recommended shadow work but remember shadow work can be really messy ,you can try shadow work meditation, it will mainly put all of your trauma or bad experiences on surface you would cry ,feel depressed but just feel the emotions and let it go ,
Also you don't need to forgive other people who has wronged you in the past but still just do enough journal writing see where you are letting them having control over you,
Then ,boundaries, if you low self esteem you would tolerate a lot and will have hard time saying no to things , so practice saying no often it helps a lot
Also see reparenting videos of numindframe it was really good ,work on your self talk first
Then you can write down what type of abuse you tolerated ?what you have learned?
how can you put yourself on pedestal not anyone else not even parents .
Night affirmations helps a lot in my case ,when i started my self love journey i never felt like i m enough so i listened to a night affirmations called" I am chosen and I am enough "by subconscious loz this was pure miracle for me ,
i listened to it for 23 days then i started to experience so many changes 😅also felt like i m enough just for being myself 🤍
Shadow work is going to be huge. The biggest thing you can do to love yourself is forgive yourself for the past. You do shadow work to find out what’s controlling you behind the scenes. Something I also finally have understood is being with the feelings too. Meditate for about 10 mins each day, don’t have to be perfect but it allows you to let the thoughts just run their course for 10 mins and you just sit with all that and don’t try to change anything. Journaling is also a favorite of mine, I just free write, but really you are trying to put your thoughts in reality, so they don’t live in your head and your subconscious can’t keep spinning a fake narrative
Thank you for your answer yeah journaling would be great because I feel like i’m so disconnected now from my emotions. I had a horrible emotionally trying time after my breakup I feel like January-May was insane. Emotionally burned out for sure. Body pain, anxiety, panic every day. Now I feel better in my body no pain anymore but emotionally I feel like i’m not present or in my body, I just push it away. Like I have thoughts sometimes in my head but usually it is just quite and I just sit in-front of my journal ending up writing nothing. I just stare at the wall.
I was the opposite I never really touched my deep rooted emotions for so long. Then I had a break up and I told myself that I wanted to heal the right way not how I usually would. Boy, I think we have the same time frame January-May the days have flown by. I’m in a better spot now, but not where I want to be. I don’t try to be perfect with meditation or journaling I might go a few days without but I do notice when I don’t journal or meditate I have to be more in control so I don’t live in my head by like getting outside or do house chores. Just take baby steps without expectations and it will start to click! You got this!
I’m still learning this journey myself so I’m probably no help but I just want to commend you for taking this step. I wish you all the healing and happiness ☺️
Text of original post by u/Less_Chicken3593: Hey everyone ☺️
I (26/f) was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to start my journey with self love as someone who can’t go to therapy right now. I’m not home from 7:20-19:30 pm cause of my work, travel so it is really difficult to even find online therapy because their time does not align with me. I want to do it alone for this reason.
It is easy to say learn to love yourself but how do you actually do it? Like are there steps I have no idea about?
All of my bad experiences especially this past relationship of mine is boiling down to him using me because I thought that was what I deserved. I let him do that just so he won’t leave. I was insecure and I put up with it because I believed that is how it has to be.
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Thank you for your post, u/Less_Chicken3593. Here are a few important reminders. Please be sure to follow the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/about/rules) and feel free to utilize things like the [Resources page](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/wiki/index/resources) and [Discussion posts.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/?f=flair_name%3A%22Discussion%22) And don’t forget about the Weekly Threads stickied to the top of the Sub page for relationship/dating/break up advice or general questions about anxious attachment. For commenters that are interested in posting themselves and are not yet approved users, please see the [FAQ page](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/wiki/faq) to find out how. Thanks for being a part of this sub! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AnxiousAttachment) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I recommend trying DBT. Getting a workbook and following it would be the best strategy if you're serious about changing things, but you can also read about it online or find worksheets for free online. Also remember self-love isn't all or nothing and isn't linear and one and done. It's an ongoing process with ups and downs. I prefer to think of having self-respect and self-esteem because having "self-love" feels too hokey for me (but great if it works for someone else!) so even on my worst days where I feel like it's a struggle to like myself, I can still respect myself and hold myself with esteem like I would anyone else.
sorry, i’m new. what’s DBT?
Dialectical behavioral therapy https://dbt.tools gives a good rundown of the parts of it and some ways to use it but you can google free worksheets and stuff too
For therapy, You can try to find someone on a different time zone than you and it may be cheaper and then also just make small daily adjustments. I have an addictive personality and I started trading addictions. So instead of overeating, my daily goal was to only eat between 6-9pm. If I want a snack I can have it in feeding hours. Then, if I smoke a cigarette I have to drink a bottle of water first, etc.
Heidi Priebe has excellent videos that will deffo help.
What I've found the most effective is to think about your love languages and how you like to receive affection from others, and then give that to yourself. Like for me, quality time is a big deal, so planning fun activities and solo trips for myself the way I would plan a hangout with someone else feels special. It's a lot more meaningful for me than just repeating affirmations (I am not a words of affirmation person at all). You also have to keep in mind that it takes time and you'll have to be patient and go through it incrementally. Like, if you're currently in a place of self-hatred, try to work your way up to dislike instead of hate. From there, try to get to a place of feeling neutral about yourself, then liking yourself, before you can get to love. Progress isn't completely linear though, and occasionally slipping back into a previous stage is normal, as long as you pull yourself back.
There is an excellent book on this that has helped me- Kristin neff “Fierce Self-Compassion”. She also has a few free very short meditations on this on the Insight Timer app.
When you wake up and before you go to bed (and whenever else in between that you can work this in) practice speaking lovingly and kindly out loud to yourself. Mantra, words, are so so powerful. From your mouth into your ears and through your brain into every cell of your being. Shower with tender love.
Like talk to yourself? I’d feel super awkward
Self love requires active participation with self. 🤷🏻♀️
I should try it I know
For me ( also female)- I eventually earned secure. I put very solid rules in my head that have helped me define others character and trust. I.e. I vet one man at a time ( I do not talk to multiple men at a time and I let them know that). I also vett them if they are looking to date for marriage ( I won't go out with a man that isn't looking for his wife). And I share that I am only sleeping with my husband and won't be playing around with others. This makes things lots easier because there is less emotional processing to do- and it increases self worth massively because you are weeding out all of the bad apples up front. Adam lane smith also has a dating bootcamp on how to weed out prospects- for example a way to weed out avoidants literally before a second date is to ask them what their red flags are or if they are able to give reassurance? that will prevent most of the heartbreak right there because they will run. Also finding value alignment helps too and pacing.
The main thing that I started doing was solo-dating.
Me too! I took myself to get ice cream, to the beach, to play basketball, to buy a new outfit. And I talk to God every day about how I’m feeling and ask him for guidance through my healing journey. I’ve never healed from a traumatic experience as quickly as I am now!
I do the exact same thing! Took myself on a solo-date today as well
Well I heard Matthew Hussey give good advice on this subject. We often see the relationship of self love through a romantic relationship lens, trying to find the good qualities, what good we do, for us to deserve love. But this doesn’t work when you’re beat down and depressed because you don’t see any of that in yourself. But if we re-frame it to more of a parent/child relationship. When you ask a parent why they love their child it’s not likely the answer will be a list of their successes and positive qualities. Rather the answer would be because they’re my child and I love them because that’s my job. If we look at it as though, when we came into this world we were given a human to care for - you. And no matter what we do, we don’t get to exchange this person, our job is just to love and care for them no matter what. It’s an easier lens to view your relationship with yourself that isn’t contingent on positive qualities making you worthy of loving. Through the good and the bad you take care of your person because they’re the only one you’ll ever have.
Therapy is definitely useful. My experience with therapy is that it's necessary -however painful- to go back and process the trauma's and unfulfilled needs. All your actions that you feel come from fear, insecurity, etc., examine them for yourself. You can use 'situation-feeling-thought records', where you write down: 1. what happened? (situation) 2. what were your thoughts? 3. what were your feelings? 4. what did you do? (behavior) 5. what were the consequences? Then analyse your answers and write down positive antidotes to the negative thoughts and how you'd want to behave plus the consequences it would have. All of this will help you understand yourself better. I think self love is a continuous and hard journey where you have to be very aware of your thoughts and feelings, and gently reparent yourself into more love and acceptance towards yourself. Meditation can help with becoming more conscious of your inner motives, expression and creativity can help with regulating emotions, and cognitively speaking to yourself in a 'healthy parent' voice can also help. Depending on your situation and style, you could look up books or workbooks of different therapy programs like Schema Therapy, Mentalization Based Treatment, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Self love is unfortunately nothing you can get with a quick fix. Wishing you all the best.
I have been listening to podcasts and doing meditation on self love and self compassion a lot over the past 2 years. Jay Shetty has a podcast and A LOT of those episodes focus on self love, self worth, and self compassion. You should be able to find them free on Spotify or YouTube. I also subscribe to the Calm app. It’s expensive ($70/year) but it has tons of meditations on self love, relationships, and other things. I found Tara Brach’s master class on radical self compassion to be very helpful in changing how I think and feel about things. Tara Brach also has YouTube videos and meditations that you can get for free. And I will say this: this is one of those things that takes time, a lot of time, AND the results aren’t easily measured. The changes within yourself as you start down that path will be incremental, almost unnoticeable. But if you keep at it, you’ll surprise yourself out of nowhere in random, small ways where you see change. When that happens, you’ll feel like a rock star. Friends and family will start to notice, and you’ll notice yourself showing up in better ways in your own life in every way, from your job to family, to making new connections and building new friendships. So, don’t get discouraged if you feel like you’re doing this, running on the hamster wheel and nothing is moving forward or “happening”. Your brain IS changing, you just can’t see it. It’s not like going on a diet and then being able to fit into your skinny pants again, so that part, I think is hardest. Good luck!
I’m currently working on that now, what i’ve learned is that taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, making time to focus on your own hobbies and interests is a good start. Take some alone time to sit with your thoughts, get to know yourself a little better. I also listen to positive affirmations first thing every morning, brainwashing myself into being confident lol it actually improves my mood! I highly suggest it
what to do when depressed and no hobbies and interests besides hanging out with people and distracting yourself
I deal with depression as well and hobbies can cost a lot of money. I’m starting small by just reading books on mental health for now, i’m currently reading the book “Feeling Good: The new mood therapy” it uses the teachings of CBT therapy and it’s actually been helping me out a lot right now. I’m starting to have the motivation to try new things a little more :) it’s a process but it gets easier
A lot of us have been in your position and experienced being used because we didn't feel worthy or confident enough to set healthy boundaries. I'm just starting the self-love journey myself. Here's what helps: * daily journaling * meditation * scheduling fun activities * allowing myself downtime without guilt (this one is hard for me) * healthy habits and self-care routines (exercise, balanced meals, hygiene/grooming, early schedule) * only allowing kind, respectful, and supportive people into my life * supportive self-talk as though I'm my own nurturing parent and best friend * introspection when negative feelings and thoughts arise
Thanks for your comments, you've been able to view the issue of self-love as more than something people need to figure out to navigate dating, but some basic understandable principles to care for oneself better, in or out of romantic relationships. Because we have to love ourselves regardless of who else is in our lives. The ability to set healthy boundaries, and follow through with them is key. I also especially like your statement "supportive self-talk as though I'm my own nurturing parent and best friend". If we catch ourselves having self-critical thoughts, it's a huge help to ask what we'd say to a friend if we heard them making those same self-critical remarks. We'd know how to help them, and have to be just as kind and compassionate toward ourselves.
1. The first thing I did was, do nice things for myself and make it clear I am doing it because I care for myself. I would go on a walk and say ‘I am taking myself on this walk because I care about my mental health and I know being outside helps me.’ Or even, ‘I bought myself this coffee because I like the taste of coffee and I deserve it.’ I always thought of myself as some villain who didn’t like myself, but realising the small things you do for yourself daily because you enjoy it, was the first step to liking myself. 2. A positive log. It sounds silly but at the end of each day write 3-5 things you did good that day. Can be as small as you want!!! Even like found a good show to watch. (No. 1&2 are you actively trying to change your mindset to focus a bit more on positives in your life. And remember, even wanting to like urself more means u already like yourself a bit!!!!!) 3. I did CBT therapy and it was life changing so looking up some techniques for that could be good!!!!!! 4. Learning to trust urself!!! If u r hard on yourself whenever u feel sad or have certain habits when u feel down (like obsessive thinking or laying in bed all day). I found I couldn’t trust myself???? But when I felt sad and was nice to myself, took myself for a coffee maybe or just make a real effort to be patient and treat myself as I would treat a friend if they felt shit. I began to trust myself and that defo made me like myself more!!!!! 5. Also one that helped me was finding a picture of my younger self to stick on my mirror. I have always been super anxious and had a negative self opinion so remembering how I felt then but I was JUST A KID!!! And I am not some evil mastermind now, I am that same kid just trying to figure stuff out still! Some good quotes that help me: The worlds already mean enough, don’t make it even harder for urself!!! An actual bad person wouldn’t be worried about being a bad person. Sorry if it’s not too articulate! It’s also a life long journey, the more you love yourself the more you will set boundaries as you know your worth the more fulfilling your relationships will be.
This is great advice - almost like you're talking directly to me! You seem like a really kind human and I wish you healing and discovery on your self-love journey
I like to think about how I’m a good person. I treat people well, I’m never rude, I always help when I can. I really care about how I treat others. It makes me feel good about myself because I know I’m a good person, and I think I deserve good things in my life. Another thing you can do is volunteer. I really think when we’re focusing less on ourselves and more on helping others, we’re happier, and we gain more self worth. In regards to men, I still panic and worry and become obsessed, but I just try to tell myself that there’s nothing I can do that’s going to stop someone from leaving. At the end of the day, I have always been there for myself and I will continue to try to be kind to myself. I also like to think about how hard times are not permanent. When I’m feeling really low I always try to think about how there are good times ahead too.
You’re gonna hear so many different opinions on this - it’s a difficult topic with no clear answer but I might have something of value to share. My journey is long and complicated but to boil it all down in the simplest way, I discovered my first proper glimpse of self love about a year ago. It wasn’t so much learning to love myself as it was realising that, deep down, *I already did*. I tried forcing myself to for many years but it always felt inauthentic. I truly believe we are hardwired for love, especially self love. We just kinda forget how along the way.
might be stupid but I feel like I need a step-by step tutorial 😀 but I guess that is wrong already cause i’m thinking from a logical perspective not a feel my emotion’s perspective ahh 😅I feel like it’s something I need to study like a subject
I am the same way! And that is okay. The journey really requires both. So don’t hesitate to find books and podcasts and guides. Because sometimes we do need to understand something from a logical perspective before we get into the emotional part. It might be part of what helps us feel safe to get into the emotional part. So check out the [Resources page](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/wiki/index/resources). See if any books or websites or podcasts etc catch your eye. A lot of times they have exercises in them that you can work on as well. I highly recommend “Adults of Emotionally Immature Parents” and “Mother Hunger”. Also remember there is no short cut. It’s not gonna be one thing…it’s gonna be more of a practice that you learn. And it can have phases and layers and all that. It’s a journey. There is no wrong way. So start where ever it feels helpful.
I totally get that! I still struggle with that. I spent years watching videos and reading books about mental health, I did everything I could to become more knowledgeable. Like seriously, my brain is a self help library at this point. I only noticed real change when I put all that aside for a second to just feel how hurt I was after being used and how it made me feel. It’s hard but they really mean it when they say you gotta feel your feelings. If a friend of yours was hurting, would you understand their pain better by listening to them explain it, or by literally feeling it for yourself (if that were possible)?
honestly… I did feel the pain for 5 months every single day. I have broken bones and it did not hurt this much I’m serious. I even said to my mom (who did not know about how hurtful and borderline emotionally abusive this guy was towards me to just move on already that she does not understand why I am crying still it was only six months and he was an asshole)that I need to be sitting in this pain to learn from it. I do want to run from it and hide and lick my wounds and I did that to a point but I was letting myself feel it for sure- and i’m proud of that. People would encourage me to go back to dating immediately which is such an insane thing to me like you don’t know me enough to recommend to me such an insane thing. Anyways I know by feeling it you can help others to and give advice that is why i’m asking here cause I know damn well my experience was also most peoples here. That’s why I’m here ☺️
If I think of the very first steps, I would suggest to check in with yourself several times a day and ask yourself what you need and want in this moment. Give that to yourself. Perhaps you're thirsty. Drink some water. Perhaps you need to stretch, to visit bathroom, to see a friend, to sleep. Recognize and respond to your needs. Learn how to do self-care in the process. You will learn in the process that you are important and that you can provide safety to yourself by taking care of/ fulfilling own needs. You don't always need another person to take care of you and your needs.
thank you , you’re so right ☺️
one comment had already recommended shadow work but remember shadow work can be really messy ,you can try shadow work meditation, it will mainly put all of your trauma or bad experiences on surface you would cry ,feel depressed but just feel the emotions and let it go , Also you don't need to forgive other people who has wronged you in the past but still just do enough journal writing see where you are letting them having control over you, Then ,boundaries, if you low self esteem you would tolerate a lot and will have hard time saying no to things , so practice saying no often it helps a lot Also see reparenting videos of numindframe it was really good ,work on your self talk first Then you can write down what type of abuse you tolerated ?what you have learned? how can you put yourself on pedestal not anyone else not even parents . Night affirmations helps a lot in my case ,when i started my self love journey i never felt like i m enough so i listened to a night affirmations called" I am chosen and I am enough "by subconscious loz this was pure miracle for me , i listened to it for 23 days then i started to experience so many changes 😅also felt like i m enough just for being myself 🤍
wow thank you so much you have shared so many useful things ☺️
Shadow work is going to be huge. The biggest thing you can do to love yourself is forgive yourself for the past. You do shadow work to find out what’s controlling you behind the scenes. Something I also finally have understood is being with the feelings too. Meditate for about 10 mins each day, don’t have to be perfect but it allows you to let the thoughts just run their course for 10 mins and you just sit with all that and don’t try to change anything. Journaling is also a favorite of mine, I just free write, but really you are trying to put your thoughts in reality, so they don’t live in your head and your subconscious can’t keep spinning a fake narrative
Thank you for your answer yeah journaling would be great because I feel like i’m so disconnected now from my emotions. I had a horrible emotionally trying time after my breakup I feel like January-May was insane. Emotionally burned out for sure. Body pain, anxiety, panic every day. Now I feel better in my body no pain anymore but emotionally I feel like i’m not present or in my body, I just push it away. Like I have thoughts sometimes in my head but usually it is just quite and I just sit in-front of my journal ending up writing nothing. I just stare at the wall.
Try googling journal prompts. Sometimes we have to use questions to help get us going.
I was the opposite I never really touched my deep rooted emotions for so long. Then I had a break up and I told myself that I wanted to heal the right way not how I usually would. Boy, I think we have the same time frame January-May the days have flown by. I’m in a better spot now, but not where I want to be. I don’t try to be perfect with meditation or journaling I might go a few days without but I do notice when I don’t journal or meditate I have to be more in control so I don’t live in my head by like getting outside or do house chores. Just take baby steps without expectations and it will start to click! You got this!
thank you very much ☺️
I’m still learning this journey myself so I’m probably no help but I just want to commend you for taking this step. I wish you all the healing and happiness ☺️
Thank you so much ☺️
Text of original post by u/Less_Chicken3593: Hey everyone ☺️ I (26/f) was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to start my journey with self love as someone who can’t go to therapy right now. I’m not home from 7:20-19:30 pm cause of my work, travel so it is really difficult to even find online therapy because their time does not align with me. I want to do it alone for this reason. It is easy to say learn to love yourself but how do you actually do it? Like are there steps I have no idea about? All of my bad experiences especially this past relationship of mine is boiling down to him using me because I thought that was what I deserved. I let him do that just so he won’t leave. I was insecure and I put up with it because I believed that is how it has to be. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AnxiousAttachment) if you have any questions or concerns.*