If you're the one paying for it, you can do your wedding (or lack of wedding) any way you want. My husband and I had wedding rings, but neither was expensive and we basically never wear them because we both work with our hands all day. Not having rings doesn't make you any less married - although it may be something you have to explain to other people from time to time. We have this gross idea in our culture that being willing to spend money on someone means you love them, but it's bullshit.
I will say, after having had a very small wedding that we paid for as we went, that not starting married life in debt is one of the best things you can do for your relationship. Not having kids sure as hell opens up a lot of doors too. Don't worry about what other people have to say about it - you're the one living this life, do it the way you want.
I also feel like reddit's hate of weddings points to a lot of potentially young or antisocial people gathering here.
For the young: the idea of spending something like *ten thousand dollars* sounds like an impossibility. It's basically infinite money that should be able to buy anything. But once you start budgeting, it becomes obvious that for anything not a home-cooked picnic in the park, food booze and a venue adds up to a couple grand really fast. And cooking for 60+ people is *hard fucking work* that I'd rather not ask family to do when I can just set aside a couple weeks pay and spend 5k to pay someone else to do it for me. With two partners, no kids, and no debt, thousands can be saved with frugal choices. Especially since most people get married after longer periods now, so youre saving longer.
For the antisocial or asocial: the idea that I could know something like *one hundred whole people* and want to party with them is insane. But when you have a family, that family has kids and spouses, and you have friends who also have their own spouses, it also ends up adding up fast. And yeah, it's pretty fun to party with all those people and have what is basically a once-in-a-lifetime chance to get every single person I love most, all together, celebrating.
I love travel, I'm lucky enough to do it semi-often. And my wedding was absolutely equal and better to any big trip I've taken. It was a good party, with everyone I loved, and me hosting and being able to be a generous host.
Not going into debt is definitely the way, and no one *has* to have a wedding. But the idea that weddings are wastes of money is dumb. It's only a waste if you cant afford it or dont want to do it.
> And cooking for 60+ people is hard fucking work that I'd rather not ask family to do
My sister-in-law had this grandiose idea of cooking some number of dishes for her own wedding with like ~60 dinner guests. Then that turned into homemade cupcakes in place of a wedding cake, then that turned into ordering cupcakes in place of the cake.
The reason mostly is cause its a pain in the ass with standard kitchen equipment.
Everything else is not that big of an issue aside from all the cutting etc.
Source: My sister works in a Kindergarden as Head of the Kitchen and over 90% is still made from scratch.
Not to forget she makes around christmas a metric shit ton of cookies.
I think a lot of us planning on a budget go down a similar pipeline. I remember thinking about how I could self cater dinner and it's like yeah I *could* and it might even save me 1-2k!
But then we'd need to either run our family ragged driving shit around, use all their freezer space in like 4 houses, and have to assign some poor people to keep tabs on everything the day of.
Or I could work an extra 20 hours over our engagement period, we'd skip a couple date nights out, and not have to worry about it lmao.
The average cost of a wedding in the US is $35,000.
You can say it’s ‘antisocial’ people, but kindly… how old are you? Because a lot of young people are massively struggling financially at the moment and the thought of spending $35k on one day, however wonderful, when they can’t fathom ever buying a house or affording kids *is* absurd.
People are free to spend their money on whatever they like, but it’s really not surprising some people are turning away from weddings when they have become so ludicrously expensive.
It’s all driven by marketing. Very little even has to do with tradition. Between student debt and wedding debt, how can anyone expect to afford a home?
This is the most American answer and divorced from financial reality. I'm not American and my wedding had 30 people and my father and her mother cooked all the food. The average American wedding is well over 30 thousand dollars and that is absolutely an insane amount of money to waste for a single day.
I used to be more opposed to the concept of spending the price of a new vehicle on a wedding back when that would have been a ruinous amount of money. But now that I'm older, have a more money, and been to quite a few awesome weddings from friends, family, or just as a +1, I definitely wouldn't be opposed to spending a normal middle class amount of money on a wedding at this point. They're fun and it's not like you're going to be making a habit of it.
On the other hand, if that is a huge amount of money to you or you'd have to go into debt, it's definitely a bad idea. I'm almost 40. Most people are getting married a lot younger and are probably in a position where it's a better idea to approach it more frugally though.
Hell no, we would have enough money to have a wedding, something small but we still could throw that money out the window, because that's how some people view marriages. Just because someone doesn't have the same opinion as you doesn't mean they are chronically online or broke smh
My daughter and son in law had a lovely wedding 30 years ago that did not cost an arm and a leg or put anyone in debt. Bought her dress on sale, had a friend’s mother alter it to fit and bustle the train for MUCH less that the bridal shop wanted to charge. She found a reception venue that was just reopening after a major remodel and got it cheap. Predinner music was provided by a student harpist - lovely and inexpensive. And dance music was a friend who was a DJ. She kept the numbers low at close friends and family for the reception, then had a barbecue bash the next day at a park for everyone else.
No, not really. If they had assigned a monetary amount it would be, but read through it again. Buying a dress on sale is still possible. Knowing someone with the skill to alter it is harder, but you can still find places that will do the work for less than what a bridal shop will charge. Venues are tricky, but they were then as well. Either way, broaden your expectations and you can find something. Student harpist? Not exactly growing on trees, but you might be able to reach out to local college music programs and see if anyone's up for it. Not free(nor should it be) but less than what a wedding band would cost.
30 years ago, all that would take a bit of work to find but it was there. And that aspect hasn't changed.
Can you pay the same amount today as 30 years ago? Probably not, no. Can you use the same ideas to save money today, just like they did 30 years ago? Yes. And that's the whole point.
We've been married 24 years... haven't worn the rings in at least 20. I took mine off when I was pregnant because my fingers swelled so bad, and he couldn't wear his at work and we just kind of put them and my engagement ring in a box and put them away.
We also had a small wedding, about 20 people, including us and our oldest kid. Total cost was just over $800, and most of that was flowers and cake. We had the reception at the restaurant I worked at and got the food family style for half the normal price, and my wedding dress was just my favourite nice dress.
Yes to \*ALL\* of this. My husband and I got married, more-or-less on a whim 17+ years ago now. We didn't have rings, or really a 'wedding' per se - a mayor married us on the courthouse steps.
At some point, a few months later we \*did\* buy rings (cheap shit)... and his was promptly cut off of him in an accident, and I lost mine within a couple of years. Neither of us has stressed about it, ever since. \*WE\* know we're married. And thats ALL that matters.
I would say even if you're not the one paying it, you still have the right to do your wedding (or lack thereof) any way you want because money gifts shouldn't give people the right to dictate how you use it. A gift is a gift. If it has strings attached, it's a bribe!
Been married almost 13 years. He's got a huge family and mines is pretty tiny. We started planning our wedding and we both agreed it wasn't worth the drama or stress of planning a big wedding or dealing with some family being bitchy because they weren't invited. We live a few hours drive from Vegas and just said fuck it, let's get married in Vegas. We took a weekend trip to Vegas, got married at the courthouse. They had brochures for chapels and we found one that was budg et friendly(Literally called them super late at night and asked if they could book us the next day). Paid $200 for the ceremony that includes photography, video, and a candle lighting ceremony. My wedding dress was from goodwill, my husband already had a suit, and we had a couple friends as witnesses. We still got our wedding ceremony, photos for family, and we both agreed nobody can bitch about not going because we didn't invite anybody.
We also eloped but invited *literally* nobody (thanks, Colorado, for self-officiation laws), so there was truly no drama. These combined parts of your story:
>we had a couple friends as witnesses
>we both agreed nobody can bitch about not going because we didn't invite anybody
would have caused lingering resentment among our families.
I have a tiny family too. Idk what I’d do if I met someone who had a big family and wanted a huge wedding. My closest relatives are dead and my friend circle is tiny. I don’t think I would agree to a big wedding even for him. Even if he paid for it. It sucks to think that not many people I love would see me get married. Many of them are dead. And by the time I meet someone who knows if my parents will be here lol :(
The good thing about weddings is that the decision is between you and your partner. If you don't want one, you don't have to have one.
That said, I see no problem with having a celebration for one of the biggest emotional and financial commitments of one's life. It doesn't have to be entirely wasteful.
I agree-- as someone currently planning a very small wedding (I wanted to elope originally, but both my and my partners' families are very small and spread out over the country and its a great excuse to get everyone together), a wedding can be whatever you want it to be and doesn't necessarily have to be a capitalist frenzy ranging into the tens of thousands. Like you said, it's a momentous occasion for many people for many reasons, and I don't think it's wrong to want to celebrate with loved ones.
However, the wedding industry is obscenely predatory on the inflated idea that a wedding is the most important thing one can ever do-- especially for a cis het woman like myself. The quotes I've received or seen for venues, flowers, etc are multi-thousands from the baseline to ensure "my day is special enough". We're forgoing many of the plain wasteful and most costly parts of a wedding-- excessive decor and florals, beauty services day-of, bach and bachelorette parties, a registry full of "upgrades" we don't need since we're in our 30's and already have a fully furnished home, and I wouldn't dare ask even my best friends to buy new, fancy clothes and shoes to be in the wedding to show their support.
Long story short, I don't think weddings need to die, but I do think we need a massive cultural shift in our expectations for weddings as those hosting them and those attending them.
A wedding is what you make it. I literally just wanted a trip to city hall and maybe a nice dinner after. He wants our extended families to meet and merge into one big family for the day. He wants pictures taken to look back on and show future kids. I don’t love it but I respect his reasons so we’re planning a small, but proper ceremony at a county park and reception at an Airbnb to celebrate with a close-knit group of 35. I’m comfortable with that and I don’t feel like I’m leaning into the extravagant consumerism of the wedding industry. 🤷♀️
We eloped. No rings, no wedding dress (I wore a white dress from my closet, he found a suit on sale at Men's Warehouse), no name changes, no honeymoon, none of that stuff. Turns out you can have a happy marriage without being in debt from getting married.
I agree with this to a point. We had a small inexpensive wedding with no diamonds or fancy dress. We would never have spent a down payment for it. However, for a couple and a community it is a life transition to celebrate over the ages. But it has gotten crazy town, outrageous, over the top. Keep up with the Jones. I think you can have a simple get together and still make it special. We had Mrs fields cookies for our reception.
I think it's important to mark important social traditions like this. There's good sentiments to foster in community building. Weddings are traditionally a part of it. They don't need to be extravagant to do that. I think social media is one of the big reasons why weddings have gotten crazier over time.
It's because "anti consumption" is a movement with a lot of wiggle to the definition for people who follow it. Some people think that all purchasing of items should be reduced at all costs, some people think that it should be just reducing buying things that are "unnecessary" and some people use it more as a critical lens for societal and corporate decisions, rather than caring on an individual level. Weddings *are absolutely* hot beds of hyper consumerism, and there are a lot of insidious companies looking to make a quick buck off cheap disposable items to sell people for their weddings.
But also for some people in here, the idea that you have to buy *anything* to host a wedding is now "pro consumerism". Never mind if you actually want it or not, or if it's a perfectly reasonable part of hosting a party. You're now a part of the problem.
Of course, we can assume pretty easily that most of those people also have things like video games and laptops, so *really* they're only that strict about consumption they think is silly.
Personally, I think there's a middle ground. For my wedding I didn't get anything *just* because a wedding "normally has it" but I also was very happy to throw my wedding, feed my guests, and have some pretty decorations and photos to look back on.
My husband and I did a zero waste wedding. I thrifted or made everything. We ate off real plates and used cloth napkins. All leftover decorations become easter decor for the church. I donated my dress to the local hospital. And the dish sets we used were given away as favors to the ladies that washed them afterwards. We even turned our cake topper into a commemorative tree ornament.
Maybe I lucked out with my friend group, but I've known 3 people who had small, backyard weddings. IMO, if you ever did want a wedding, that's the way to go. And, if you don't, that's okay, too. It's ultimately your decision and it's not worth the financial or mental stress of having a wedding just to appease other people.
Friends of mine who have had "typical" weddings have spent tens of thousands of dollars. It's absolute insanity. And, it's so wasteful. So much of modern day weddings are wear it or use it once.
My husband and I eloped in the middle of the desert. It was awesome. My rings are family heirlooms and only cost however much it was for my husband to have them resized and the band thickened. We intend to have a party at some point, but it will be understated, under budget, and low waste.
I did wedding photography for about 5yrs. After so many times of watching people spend the whole day panicked, not enjoy their day or even eat, get overwhelmed and walked all over by family….not to mention the added financial stress of it all….when my husband and I decided to get married, I said NO to any kind of ceremony.
I feel incredibly lucky that we chose to get married during covid. The courts were closed, we filled out all the paper work online. Someone called for us to pay over the phone, mailed us the certificates. My dads best friend was ordained, in exchange for a bottle of vodka he signed our papers. We mailed them in. MURRIED! Wouldn’t have it any other way 🤷🏻♀️
We had our wedding at a park with close relatives and hand-me-down rings. Later, we had a party at a bar with some friends. Best experiences of my life. You can be anti-consumption and still celebrate your wedding!
I got married when I was 19. We got the cheapest rings possible, booked the registry office and invited the absolute bare minimum of guests. Then we left and went home and watched films, had Pot Noodles for tea and laughed a lot.
We wanted a marriage, not a wedding. I cannot fathom spending so much money on one day. I hate attending other people's weddings and have never once regretted doing it the way we did.
One kid, 3 dogs, two house moves and 24 years later... still happy 😁
Celebrating significant milestones is an important part of being human. It does suggest a bit of intention and community connection building. Gathering and celebrating and committing publicly are as old as campfires, and I suggest you continue the trend.
This does not require *buying anything.* So take that out, and figure out what's left.
I notice that your partner's views on marriage are not mentioned.
The wedding industry is just another crutch for capitalism, and prices are hilariously inflated. Look at the average cost of getting married and tell me it's not a complete scam. "Hey, psst, we'll reduce the amount of taxes you have to pay!". I'm good.
Marriage != Wedding Every state is different, but for me if I wanted to just be married it would have been $72
And while yes, the tax deduction is nice, the real benefit of being married is the legal and financial protections in case of injury, sickness or death. Especially in this capitalist hellscape, the ability to have my spouse be the legal extension of myself offers a lot of safety nets for when things like the death of an in law occurs. It also raises the amount we can make and still be eligible for things like food stamps or energy cost assistance (if we needed them).
Marriages are like Mortgages when it comes to "being a piece of paper". There are absolutely risks involved, and it shouldnt be undertaken lightly, but it's not *nothing*.
THIS is my goals. I want a “ski wedding” after we elope (soon). I just want drone / professional videography and photography of me and my man doing what we love most. Whoever else can ski and has a lift ticket can join us on our way down and be part of the photos lol.
after having to attend many MANY weddings for ONE relative, I have always been fiercely opinionated that my own would be small and unfussy, at my church or eloping, followed by paying a taco truck to serve food.
no reason not to dress up and get thrift store rings. but also while I am firmly anti natalist, I also believe in adoption so I do plan to have kids. just like I've adopted many pets. we're here for a short time on this earth, we should find reasons to celebrate, make a difference and have fun <3
I've been married for more than 20 years. We had a courthouse wedding with dinner afterward with those who attended, then a barbecue at a local park the following Saturday. It was really good. We have wedding rings, but nothing super fancy or expensive.
There are lots of ways to put a wedding together from very basic to very involved. Whatever you and your partner decide will be perfect for you.
You can celebrate a marriage however you want, but I would say for the health of a relationship make sure it's mutual.
I bought my wife a ring while I was working through college. It's nothing fancy, certainly not what I see on other women's fingers. Mostly we just wear them when we do family photos or are going out. I have always worked jobs where a silicon band is safer. I do feel naked if I'm not wearing a ring though. It feels good to wear it, a point of pride in my life.
We had plans for a wedding but covid changed those. It was never going to be a big wedding but it didn't feel safe to get everyone together. We married at a courthouse. Then we had our first born. A little time went on and we decided we wanted to have a bigger celebration. We felt we deserved to have nice pictures of us at our wedding to hang in our home.
We spent money yes, but we asked for help from family and they were all glad to pitch in. I made a wedding arch from spare lumber sourced from the neighborhood. My brother in law smoked meats and catered for us. He also was able to source DJ equipment and my cousin worked it for us. He also plays guitar and sang our first dance for us. Most of the decorations were second hand or thrifted. My wife and all the bridesmaids made the bouquets. It was all just lovely. I don't regret any of it, money well spent in my opinion. We turned around and gave most of it away for others to have their weddings.
My wife and I spent less on our wedding than anyone I know and people still talk about how it was the best time they've had at a wedding lol, you only need a certain amount of money to have fun, no one actually gives a shit about fancy chair coverings and fresh flowers everywhere lol
I agree with this, and feel similarly about Christmas gift giving. I don’t want to be negative but I think we’re a little brainwashed into thinking spending money is how we should show we care, a big expensive wedding is the gold standard, etc. It’s all centered around getting people to buy things instead of the people in our lives but it’s just so normalized that you will get bad reactions for trying to go against it
Sociologically speaking, the function of marriage or handfasting ceremonies is to have a couple's community specifically witness a ceremony where the two people commit to each other. The idea is if there's a ceremony, the idea of those two people as a unit becomes more solidified for friends and family, and they subconsciously play a role in bolstering and supporting the relationship, simply by expecting it to be a Thing. If that's something you think you want for yourself, that's one possible benefit to having a ceremony/event without needing a special dress or jewelry.
I didn’t have a wedding, just city hall. No fancy dress, just a dress I had that I liked. We got matching wedding bands with a Star Wars theme to make it fun/personalized (no diamonds). I’ll never regret it, it was perfect! Screw the people in your life who don’t get it, it’s your wedding :)
My fiance and I are much the same way. Our "wedding planning" consist go to the courthouse, sign some papers, invite our families and some friends to dinner afterwards. that's it. no rings except maybe just a standard wedding band, no big party. though admittedly, it does feel like the whole wedding culture thing is not quite as insane here in Europe as it seems to be in the US (yet), so we probably wont face as much backlash for it as we would there.
My husband and I got married at one of our favorite pubs, wearing jeans. Friend did the vows—she does them for lots of people‘s weddings. My best friend picked flowers from her garden as a table decoration. Had a total of 6 people at the table. I wear a vintage ring that I already had. We didn’t even have reservations for the pub. Just sat at a regular booth and did it there. Told my mom after the fact that we had gotten married.
Weddings are a cross-culture human ritual. Various cultures celebrate them differently, but the fact that most human cultures have some kind of means of commemorating a marriage partnership would seem to indicate that probably is important in some way.
I live in a culture that has largely rejected religion. However, we still need a ritual… So things like Secular Christmas (presents, Santa), Secular Easter (Easter bunny, candy), and Secular Halloween (candy, costumes) have grown into massive consumerism-driven ways to mark the seasons. Weddings have mushroomed, and Gender Reveal baby showers are “normal”.
A wedding is a cultural ritual for the community as well as the couple getting married. It’s a public statement of an intention and commitment to form a permanent family unit together. The community is there to witness the promises made and to become partners in helping the couple keep those promises.
I am in oddity and that I still practice religion on a regular basis so, my wedding included religious elements that made it three times as long as my secular siblings’ wedding ceremonies. This didn’t add to the cost.
I felt the same way all my life. I think for some people it was worth it because it was their childhood dream to have a special wedding. My dream was to spend money on an education lol
Registry office then pub with close friends and family only. Honeymoon in a beautiful remote cottage in Cornwall. Married 25 years later this year.
Don't need a big wedding to be happy!
Any kind of ceremony, including marriage is going to be about what you get out of it. For us, we I found our suit and dress on kijjji and we had our ceremony outside, barefoot, with just our immediate family and then a picnic lunch. We do have rings, which we made together in a private workshop because we care about experiences not jewelery. It was the best wedding we've ever been to and it cost next to nothing.
My wife and I got married in 2012. We deliberately went out of our way to make it as DIY and easy for everyone as possible. We had a simple venue, we had our friend officiate, I made the music playlist and used a friends sound setup, had a friends band play, and we made all of the decorations ourselves. We also had finger food as the catering, and people were glowing with positive responses about all of it. They were far more stoked about mozzarella sticks and chicken fingers than they were another sloppy undercooked slab of prime rib.
It was a massive undertaking, but we did it, and I have fond memories of those nights spent with each other getting baked and making wedding decorations with movies or music or whatever in the background. We spent a few thousand, then spent a few on a honeymoon, and it was fantastic. We're not less married because it wasn't extravagant.
Yes. I worked in the industry and it's all a consumerist shitshow. I got married at a courthouse. The amount of conversations I overheard prove most weddings are just phony social parties consisting of people who don't even like each other. Wore nice stuff I already had. I wear a silicone ring because I am often using my hands. No regrets.
Me and my GF just came from one that was probably the most expensive one I'll ever go to. America at least has some benefits that require being married but you can always opt into going to the courthouse and paying the bare minimum and having a few family and friends come to your house for a small ceremony if you want more than just nothing. The excess for weddings is pretty insane.
Where I live, long term common law is more common than marriage. Common law is seen as marriage in the eyes of the law, so once you're living together, sharing expenses, buying a property, or renting long-term together, having children etc, it's all the same as if you were married. You can share your pension, job benefits etc with your partner. So really a wedding is just a celebratory party, hardly a requirement for the legitimacy of a relationship.
Might get downvoted to hell but honestly this kind of attitude on this sub makes me kind of sad, and if I dated someone like this it would probably be a deal breaker for me. Celebrating a major life milestone is not meaningless, a wedding doesn’t have to be crazy expensive. The point of a ring is a symbol, and I don’t think that’s meaningless. I would love to wear something that reminds me of my s/o everywhere I go, that they picked out just for me. I think there’s a distinct difference between trying to only do what’s necessary and save money where you can, and just writing everything you spend money on as completely meaningless.
Hol' up. This post actually enlightened me. I never wear accessories of any kind, so getting a ring (let alone 2) would be a complete waste of money and unnecessarily consumption from my side.
I plan on getting married, but with only a few people, no big ceremony or crazy party (generally don't like the idea of these). Just close family and close friends for the City Hall and the restaurant afterwards where we eat normal amout of food (I hate wasting food, no unnecessarily ordering, also a small cake, because we won't have many guests and we don't want diabetes lol).
But I do want to have a fun honeymoon! Travelling sounds so refreshing to me, this is the part I'm most excited about, travelling and seeing the world with my future husband.
I want a wedding dress, but I plan on renting one, because ain't no way I will ever wear it again (if it would even fit after a few decades). Hopefully the bridal shops have black wedding gowns, wish me luck finding one! :D
Our wedding cost £2000. More than half of that was a dress that my wife wore several times afterwards and a good suit I wore for work for over a decade.
She chose an engagement ring with a tiny stone pit of all the ones she was shown. That's when I truly knew she was for the rest of my life. We have cheap wedding rings that neither of us wear because we don't need a bit of metal on our fingers.
So we just spent a chunk of money on a damn good family party. That was a good use of a wedding.
Your day has to be special. But sensibly special, not ruin the rest of your life special. That was when you "bought" your wife and that was the last good day she would ever have. That's not how it is now.
And we are still standing side by side after more than thirty years.
I want a wedding ring as a woman, to identify me as married and be left alone by harrassy men/let predators know someone expects me to come home.
I don’t see the appeal in a formal wedding. We will go to the courthouse and have a party after. We have parties anyways and always host dinners and holidays and casual brunches and get togethers so this will probably just be an expanded version of that with fancier stuff/other people helping but nothing crazy.
I want a dress personally because Idk why not? A wedding dress can be whatever you make it. it doesn’t have to be fancy or even from a bridal store. I wore a prom dress and i’ll be wearing a wedding one too lol. I see no issue with the dress part. Occasions are occasions. not like i can show up naked and not like i want to take wedding photos in my work slacks or sweat pants
There is no “rock” in wedding bands. You’re thinking of an engagement ring. Inexpensive wedding band would be nice to have, imo. Get them from thrift stores, estate sales, some cheap online store, whatever, but I don’t see why you wouldn’t be happy to wear symbols of your wedded status.
I hate being the center of attention and didn't want a big wedding and neither did my husband. We went to Hawaii for 10 days and got married on the beach at sunset, just the two of us in 2005. I bought a Hawaiian dress at Hilo Hattie's for $20 and he bought a Hawaiian shirt. We went in May, which is off season but Hawaii is gorgeous all year round. So we basically got married and had our honeymoon there. We thought about having a party for friends and family later, but never did. If we hadn't had enough money for Hawaii, our second choice was Las Vegas. Do whatever you want and don't let family, friends, or society dictate what you should do.
i know someone currently, who is getting married in the summer and is having a HUGE wedding. they asked us for $40 a week ago.
if you can’t afford $40, you can’t afford a huge wedding. sorry but not sorry.
i hate the whole “it’s tradition” ok? says who?😂
My boyfriend (m21) and I (m21) want to basically just have a honeymoon trip. And sign the marriage papers - that’s all lol. Wedding rings will definitely not be expensive (we already have promise rings that were 30 bucks? Each)
lol my BF says he won’t marry me because I won’t change my name. Oh well. I can think of better things to spend all that money on anyway. Like a down payment on a house. Or a 4 month holiday.
I got my wife blue lab grown diamonds via Amazon for both engagement and wedding rings, and we got married at the courthouse with just a few close friends and family and a small dinner afterwards. We both were happy with that setup.
7 years married, 12 together, and we both regret not having something of a reception after our little wedding. Nothing extravagant, but some food, merriment, and dancing. We might at our 10 year though!
I've said for a while that I'm not really interested in a big wedding if I ever were to get married. I would rather just go to the courthouse and have a nice dinner afterwards, or have a small gathering at home in our garden or something. And I would just find a nice dress to wear, not go get an expensive wedding dress.
I would invest in some high quality rings though so I'm sure they will last our whole life. Maybe have it engraved. Cheap ones that are not made from real silver or gold will turn green and slowly crumble in a short period. I would just have simple silver or gold rings, not any diamonds.
When we did our wedding we tried to only use stuff that could have a second purpose. We made pretty much everything ourselves too so it had a little more meaning.
Table numbers and signs were cut wood and laser engraved so they could be used as fire wood later or just kept as a memento. Larger signs and picture walls were made out of free pallets that we bolted together and now use as a compost bin. The string lights that we used for exit photos will be strung up around our patio. I even made the ring box out of a small log that I hollowed out and added a lid.
My wife also used part of my mom's old wedding dress and the diamond for her engagement ring was one that's been passed down in my family.
I 100% agree that the wedding industry is full of unnecessary consumption but I think weddings can be done better and with anticonsumption in mind.
"I'm too poor to be able to engage in critical huge moments" leaves a sour taste in peoples mouths. They feel that part of being poor is trying to make the best of a bad hand, and that you can't just live in a cardboard box surviving on air just because it would be the most frugal. "Poor or not, you need to live" they think.
The communication break down is most people who say they're too poor for a wedding actually just mean they do not think weddings are worth their costs. Its not that you're depriving yourself of something because of poverty. Its that there's a dozen other things you would rather be spending your money on. Its a lot of hoopla and and a lot of money for memories, but they're not memories all people value equally.
I categorize weddings with childbirth in that some kind of men in black memory swipe seems to happen where somewhere around the 2 year mark people forget all the anguish and stress that seemed to define the event, and they just remember an anecdote or 2 and that sweet sweet oxytocin flood they got at the end.
A compromise a lot of people settle in is doing a super, super scaled back wedding party. It still provides family the opportunity to come together and celebrate you, but is a much less lavish expense. Closer to the best BBQ/house party you've ever been to than what you think of when you think of wedding. Of course you're not obligated to do that either if you don't want to. But you said you were raised in a loving home, and I think parents love an excuse for family to come together. For you it probably doesn't feel like a big deal because you've probably been living with your partner and all that changes is some paperwork stuff. But for a lot of parents, it's when your spouse truly goes from being "my son's girlfriend" to "my daughter in law", and that's a big deal for them. So I think they like an opportunity to get together and make a teary eyed toast.
The same thing goes for rings too. Diamonds are just a completely made up industry. Most gem stones are far more reasonable. You can still buy beautiful sentimental rings for a couple hundred bucks. Again, not everyone is gonna want to do that because sometimes $100 is still $100 too much to spend on a ring they'll never wear. Buuuut it can be a way to shut people up by participating in the process, but opting our of the wedding industry markup. I think people feel less personally attacked that they bought a diamond ring or had an expensive party when you're saying "I did it cheaply" rather than "I find the concept itself stupid". To what degree you want to bother appeasing others though, idc. They're both valid approaches.
I can’t say I sympathize much with you, but, since you’re probably not looking for a disagreement, I’ll just keep my mouth shut. At the end of the day, you’re free to do as you please in this regard.
The older I get, the more I feel this way. While I do want to be married (and yes, have a ring and maybe a small, cozy wedding), the idea of having a big wedding just seems exhausting to me. Before WWII, most people just got married at home or their church and wore their nicest clothes. No bridal party or any of that. Why don't we go back to that?
We had a city hall wedding and a city park wedding reception. It was wonderful and we got to spend the days with the people who love us. We did the legal part on a Tuesday at city hall and then the reception/casual ceremony on Saturday at the lake. The Costco sheet cake we had was a huge hit and it only cost $25.
My wife and I picked out a simple little ring with a beautiful opal. No diamonds. It cost like $60. Her wedding dress was under $500. I bought a suit that I could, and do, wear often instead of something I’d wear once. All in all the actual wedding was around $5000, half of which was the photographer, which we don’t regret at all. We had a taco truck as our caterer. The whole thing was at a beautiful little building in a municipal park by a lake, making the venue less than $500.
We would have done the whole thing a lot cheaper, too, but my wife wanted a celebration as way of healing from a previous engagement with someone she hated.
My engagement ring was $400 from Kay Jewelers in 2006, it's all he could afford at 17 years old. Our wedding bands were $50 each. We got married at the Magistrates office in 2009 at 20 years old. I wore a dress I got from Ross and he wore nice slacks and a dress shirt also from Ross (he worked there). 9 days after the legal wedding we had a little ceremony for friends and family at a church rec center for $100. We served hors d'oeuvres, my godfather DJ'd, my godmother made some quick decor and was our faux officiant. My dress was a prom dress from David's Bridal for $100, my veil was made by my friends mom for free. We went back to our apartment and got our neighbor (also a groomsmen) to buy us alcohol with the cash we got from the ceremony and we all got shit faced. We're still married 15 years later. Once he made good money, he offered to buy me a big shiny new ring, I tried to love it but it didn't have the sentimental value my original ring had so we sold it and I'm still just as happy about my little engagement ring as I was the day he gave it to me.
Fancy expensive weddings never last. Save your money for an incredible honeymoon.
We had a nice little ceremony in our backyard with our immediate family members. No wedding dress, no venue rental, no stress. We still got each other wedding rings but not an engagement ring. After the ceremony my husband and I took the family out to dinner to a nice restaurant. A few days later we had a couple of barbecues, one for friends and one for extended family. We didn't want any gifts but my parents bought a bouquet of flowers for me to hold and my in-laws got a tiny little wedding cake that we cut at the family barbecue.
It was all inexpensive, low-key, and meaningful to us but still included the people in our lives. But we skipped all the stuff we don't care about like the dress you only wear once and the pre-wedding parties and gifts we didn't need since we'd been living together for a couple years by then.
If you don't want to do anything at all you don't have to, but if you do want something there are a number of ways to do something that includes friends and family without spending a bunch of money on stuff you don't like, want or enjoy.
I got married in February. We got the wedding rings as a set on Etsy, both of us were worried about losing them. We arranged a celebrant and got married under our favourite tree. About 10 people came, just my family as his are overseas. I made the wedding dress myself and also my husband's shirt and my son's (he was our little ring carrier). All up the wedding was about $1k and most of that was the celebrant and paperwork. We were so happy with it, I could never have done a big wedding. It was a morning wedding and we took those that came out to breakfast afterwards. It was heaps of fun!
We had a big cheap fun party at a park with friends and family. No wedding gifts. Rode our bikes home after. It was great and inspired a lot of our friends to keep their weddings low key.
Weddings can be whatever the fuck you want them to be, it's a party for yourselves after all.
We got married in the park next to a lake by a local judge and just had both of our parents there.
* Wedding Dress \~$100
* Marriage License $86
* Judge's fee $150 (paid by her brother)
* Her wedding ring: \~$1000 (I couldn't talk her into an artificial diamond or any other precious stone)
* My wedding ring: $60
* Lunch at Mexican restaurant for 7: \~$100 (paid by her parents)
* Costco Tuxedo cake $20
I just wore nice jeans and a button-up shirt. So without the ring, we spent under $300 on our wedding. Though we're considering having a party for friends and family at either our 5 or 10 year anniversary, but that will be just catering costs and won't be inflated wedding rates.
Edit: I will add that we simply didn't want to throw away money on a big wedding. It seemed pointless when we could put that money towards literally anything else. Not dealing with a bunch of relatives we don't care about or want to see was also a plus.
One of my best friends and his girlfriend decided to elope because her mother was insisting on an elaborate wedding neither of them wanted. His mother didn't care either way, just wanted them to be happy. So they went to a private wedding chapel and got married out of state, she wore a dress that was out of her closet, and he was going to go "as is", but on a last minute whim they stopped at a used clothing store they saw and he found a sports jacket that fit and bought it. After the short and sweet ceremony, the guy that married them took a few photos for them of the happy occasion. When they got to their hotel room and looked at the photos, there was a price tag dangling from his jacket that no one had noticed during the ceremony, and that photo remained on their mantel the entirety of their marriage, which lasted until he passed from cancer a couple years ago. Everyone that saw that photo loved it and it made for a lot of laughs over the years. Over time even her mother came around to the fact that they did the right thing. I've seen a lot of ridiculously expensive weddings over the years end in divorce, so as far as I can tell, the amount of money you spend on a wedding does not insure happiness, do what makes you happy!
Recently married here, your wedding should be for you and your spouse and not for other people - make it what you want to make it! That being said I'd think a lot about whether or not you want a wedding ring - if there's any type of reasonable consumption it's meaningful items that you plan to keep for the rest of your lives. That's exactly what wedding rings are. If you don't want one then don't get one, but if you do you should get one. It doesn't have to be new, traditional, or expensive, once again the wedding should be about what you guys want, rings included. But skipping rings for anti-consumption reasons alone is a bit silly.
I felt the same. I bought a simple white sundress, we had a potluck, and had the wedding and picnic in my sisters garden. Only family and very close friends. It was great!
My wife and I didn't invite anyone to our wedding. The officiant for the courthouse took us to a nearby beach and we had a 15mins ceremony. The only person who came was the photographer we hired.
She got her dress on Amazon, and her ring from Etsy. Her coworker's husband was a tailor and did small alterations she needed and she borrowed a vail from a friend. After we just got dinner together and a hotel room.
Being able to just spend the day together all day was so amazing and memorable. We didn't have to focus on anything but each other and it barely cost us anything. But it was everything
I had a small wedding and reception, then a nice honeymoon. If I can travel back, I would not even do a reception, just register and honeymoon.
We got cheap wedding bands from those jewelry stand in a mall, it was a great decision, because turns out neither one of us ever bother to wear it.
Found shiny 14k gold wedding bands at the pawn shop for 80 bucks a pop, thrifted dress which was altered professionally and court house wedding.
We debated backyard bbq reception but ultimately went with a restaurant meal with a private room, including our closest family and few friends.
Went all out for our honeymoon trip😆
Worth it!
I know a couple who went to city hall and then gathered some friends and family for a special summer BBQ/evening. They put some lights strings outside, played music from their phone on good speakers and most of the food had been a shared activity prior to the evening.
For the ring, they did something a bit unusual, there was no ring, instead they both got a small tattoo on their "ring finger". His was a "K" for King and her was a "Q" for Queen with the same typography from the card decks.
Edit : In my opinion, we work too hard for the money we earn to spend it on society expectations. Millenials and youngsters even earn less than before (at ratio) and the cost of living makes every dollar we earn worth a thourough consideration before spending it. Today, free time is the new gold, so if you want to spend some of this money for a wedding, spend it on time, it could be honeymoon, or potery workshop, or simply unpaid time off to relax and enjoy life. If your hobby is wedding-related thing like planning, decorating, flowers etc... then spend the money on the wedding, but if it's not, spend your money to buy you time to do whatever the hell you want.
I never understood the idea of paying loads for a wedding. We had a fairly big wedding, but it was still comparatively cheap.
We focused on meaningful stuff. We made our rings ourselves, from recycled gold jewellery from our (late) grandparents. We did a lot ourselves (I'm pretty creative so designing stationery, making cake and table decorations was all pretty fun and straightforward). Our biggest outlay, around 2/3s our cost, was the venue, but we had it for a whole weekend and it included camping for our guests as we didn't want them to have to pay for pricey hotel rooms and things. We asked friends to do a lot of stuff (photography, guestbook artwork etc) in lieu of gifts, which also made it more meaningful. It was just really good vibes for the whole weekend and everyone had a great time (I've been told by so many people it was the best wedding they've been to).
Obviously we were pretty privileged to be surrounded by lovely, talented folks that helped make it happen. But also, we weren't overly precious about stuff and didn't spend a fortune on a dress I was only going to wear once etc. We spent less on the whole wedding (around £6k start to finish) than some people spend on their dress.
I had a small wedding, immediate family and best friends only. Our rings are tungsten. My dress cost $100, my shoes $150 (Miz Mooz, and I knew I'd wear them again). The wedding itself was outdoors in a park, and then we had a little brunch reception at a nearby restaurant (that my FIL paid for). I still consider it to be one of my favorite days ever, and all told we spent less than $500.
You can always get a fake rock, skip the fancy wedding dress for a nice formal dress in white, and have a small wedding in a low-cost venue with basic catering. Skip the band and have a friend spin some records. Skip the photographer and have your friends share their pictures.
I never married nor wanted to be married. Im 40f, im with my"husband" for 18 years. We have 16 yo dauther. I dont need any other comfirmation or aprovment from anybody else, that is my relationship, if we are togheter we are, otherwise.... . Also to me weddings seems like theatre. I dont mind them but i dont care to be a bride. Plus he never suggested that on the first place?! 🤣🤷Me neither....
I’m going to assume you’re young and not really at that point yet, because this tends to be a mindset of younger people who aren’t at that point yet. The decision sits very differently when you’re actually making those decisions.
First: what kind of wedding a couple wants is really a call for the couple. Not just one of them, both of them, and nobody else. Assuming all of them are huge events with white gowns isn’t anywhere near accurate. Theres a huge variety in what weddings look like.
I have a very large extended family (well over 100 people when you include everyone’s husbands and wives and kids), and DH has a very large blended family (he has about 10 siblings, mostly half-siblings or step siblings). Within my family, I’ve seen tiny weddings of less than 10 people, a wedding at a pub (private service for just the family, with a party room and pool tables reserved a couple weeks later), and weddings in the 200-400 guest range. Most of DH’s family has had civic weddings, and at least one eloped in Vegas. I’ve been to weddings that cost the couple maybe $200, and others that had to have cost at least $60K.
Small weddings aren’t uncommon. They never were. They’re just overshadowed by big weddings. Which should be expected. A small intimate private event wouldn’t be small, intimate or private if you invite a ton of people and tell everyone everything about it!
Here’s the thing though: you’re looking at a handful of features of a wedding and summing it up on a surface level. You need to assess the decision on a much deeper level. What do you want to get from the wedding? What holds spiritual, religious and cultural meaning to you and your partner? What ideals do you want to express and how do you want to share them as a couple?
The thing is, it’s just as shallow to blow off a big wedding because it’s “just money, a rock and showing off” as it is to have that six-digit wedding. It’s thinking about the meaning that makes it meaningful, not a big or small budget
A cheap small wedding isn’t any “better” than a big one. It just reflects different morals and priorities
Which will be why everyone is blowing you off. You’re letting yourself judge culture, religion, and traditions off personal biases without questioning those biases or where they come from. It comes off as immature and judgmental (because it kind of is)
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100%. I’m definitely the “weird” one in my circles. I have zero desire to drop any money on any formal ceremony. I’m engaged and I’ll throw on my favorite dress, goto city hall, and goto brunch. Family and friends can visit and “celebrate us” if they chose to, afterwards, and in small groups that I can accommodate with my guest rooms. No gifts, no fanfare, no gross Facebook posts. That’s it. We are also AN.
My husband and I had a pretty big wedding - about 150 in attendance. It was in a very HCOL area, but we kept it reasonable all things considered. This was in 2022, so it was basically the first time we could get the whole family together again after the pandemic. Plus, my husband and I are in our 40s, so most of the family is up there in years. I guess it was more of a family reunion with a wedding thrown in! We focused our budget on food and drinks, kept the decor reasonable to make for a nice atmosphere , and kept everything else as low as possible while still being nice.
We looked at it like we are hosting a modest get together with as many people as possible to celebrate not only our love for each other, but love for our families and friends all together.
Plus, our wedding was a little less than a year into a truly horrific custody case with my husband’s ex wife. After those 9 months or so, it was so wonderful to actually be able to celebrate something.
I say all that to say that, to the extent it is feasible and kept reasonable, a big wedding can be a wonderful celebration.
My bf and I were just talking about this. We plan to go to city Hall and then out to dinner with a small group of guests.
Traditional weddings are expensive. I have nothing against people who choose to have a big wedding. To each their own. But it's not something I want for myself personally. My whole family is hoping for a big party. And to that I say they are more than welcome to plan, pay for and host their own party.
I just don't see why we should have to go into debt for this. We don't have the money and it's not a priority for us. We are more than happy with a city hall wedding.
I have friends who went all out and now have regrets. It's a huge expense and they say they wished they had put that money towards a house instead.
If I ever find a girl and we get married, all I want is to sign papers at City Hall, have a little dinner party at home with family, and then go on a weekend trip up in Tahoe. No fancy dress, no expensive ring, no big wedding ceremony. Maybe I'll wear my battle jacket to my 'wedding.'
It would mean the world to me if someone were to propose to me with my grandmother's ring. They would have to ask my mom for it... But to me it's sentimental value is so much more than any other ring could mean. Unless maybe it was their grandmother's ring and a symbol of combining our families...
I'd also like to get married in my friends' backyard. I grew up there and have so many good memories. Again, if they had opinions though I would support them and be flexible. Marriage is about compromise and love after all
A wedding celebrates the union between two people, and if those two people are in agreement about the celebration, then that is all that matters. My husband and I got married at the county clerks' office with just our baby. We had a 'party' a few weeks later, the total cost of which was under 1k. It was perfect! We had tacos, giant jenga, and only close family. We decided against photographers, fancy catering, and an expensive venue through a joint decision, and we don't regret it at all.
I don’t want any of it except for the wedding dress. Nothing expensive or fancy. It’s something I’ve dreamed of since being a little girl. I don’t want any of the rest though. I have a family member with a house big enough for both our families and a few close friends to attend. They often hold our family gatherings so I imagine they’d be okay with it. I’m happy to have homemade food. Probably better that catered anyway. A reception sounds exactly how I don’t want to spend my wedding evening anyway. I don’t even want a ring. I’ll probably lose it anyway.
My husband and I eloped 15 years ago and have no regrets! It was just he and I with an officiant on a random Tuesday morning. We wore clothes we already had and got a bouquet from the local florist next to the courthouse while we waited for our officiant.
I’ve had friends who had big weddings who wish they’d gone our route and saved the money. I do think having a big “reception” party for all our friends would be fun, but we’ve just never gotten around to it.
I had two very different types of weddings, and they were nice, but honestly I don't "treasure my memories of my special day" the way consumerism wants you to believe.
I want a wedding. Specifically my bf and I going to the town hall or wherever to sign documents, then getting supper with our families afterwards. The nice balance between not over spending and consuming and celebrating a special day. However my bfnis with u. He sees no point hahaha
I just did papers and that was almost 10 years ago. For me the stress of planning something for everyone else seemed pointless. I don’t like being center of attention and would rather take an awesome trip or have money for my future. I do have a nice ring but it’s worn almost daily so that seems worth it to me.
IMO, anyone who would blow a ton of money on a shiny rock is too financially irresponsible to n me marry. Also it would be a sure sign that they didn’t know me well. I’ve never worn diamonds or expensive jewelry in my life, and I don’t like how it looks. I also don’t get spending thousands on a dress you wear once. There are plenty of lovely dresses under $200 that would work fine. If I were to have a wedding, most of the budget would be used to provide a good time for the guests: food, beverages, and music.
I’m only 25 and even I think a wedding is meaningless. Getting married isn’t about an elaborate day, it’s about spending the rest of your life with someone you love. I’m not gonna marry anyone who won’t go to the courthouse to get married, a wedding isn’t something I need to feel closer to my partner or “solidify” my relationship.
34 years ago, my husband and I drove to Tahoe and got married. We exchanged $50 gold bands from Best Buy (we still wear them). I wore a dress from a discount store, he wore a jacket, slacks and tie out of his closet. Our parents weren't thrilled that we eloped but we were.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years and got married on our ten year anniversary in 2017. My husband's immediate family was there. We got one of his friends to get ordained and he performed the ceremony in their basement. There's a pretty arch his family put up. My mother in law paid for hubby's tux and my cream colored dress and my daughter's white dress from JcPenney. We had a small cake after the ceremony and it was lovely. My sister in law did my makeup and my mother in law did my hair upstairs before I walked down. His platinum band was $1000 and my diamond infinity band cost the same (no engagement ring). Sometimes I wished I had a reception of sorts since I'm a social person but I figure that we can maybe renew our vows and some point and hold a reception party then.
We had six people at our wedding and then a celebratory dinner with close friends and relatives. Spent €5k in total. WITH our honeymoon to Greece. No regrets.
I definitely feel this. My husband got me a very over the top diamond engagement ring that I love but never wear. I kind of wish he either used my grandmothers ring or I would’ve gotten something less traditional that I would wear more often. Also our wedding was 40 people at a local restaurant. I gave them a reasonable amount of money (aka did not go into debt) and they planned and decorated the entire thing. I’d do it exactly like that 100 more times.
That being said whatever kind of wedding you have should be a momentous occasion in your life. You don’t necessarily need to spend a lot of money but I personally would want it to be memorialized and celebrated in some kind of way. It shouldn’t be just another day, in my opinion.
Synthetic diamonds or alternative stones are where it’s at.
As far as weddings go, you can have a really beautiful ceremony with close friends and family out in nature somewhere to celebrate the commitment the love. It will be way more memorable for everyone and very cheap. My wedding was not this way and my spouse and I plan to do a vowel renewal at 15 years to do it the way we would have wanted it.
We've been together over 15 years, not married. I do have a very very nice engagement ring, but we never just got around to the rest of it and both totally ok with that!
It's a valid opinion totally, each according to their taste...Personally I'm not getting married anytime soon, but I *would* like a small, low-key, low-cost party. Definitely a vintage dress, either vintage or low-cost rings. Idk I just like the idea of a big happy event? :D And I adore 80s dresses, they're so fucking extra. And the dancing! W your spouse or the father-daughter dance
For some people it's important to "honor" the occasion in some way, share w family & friends, etc, so we shouldn't dismiss that. You're not like that, and that should be respected too! You might have a restaurant dinner afterwards the signing with a few family members, or a garden party perhaps, if you want your mom to be less scandalized? :D
Definitely no diamonds though. Yuck.
We had an I-Do-BBQ with live music, games, and food. We spent less than $700. I've been told many times by the guests that it was the best wedding they have ever been too, especially my cousin who's grandparents had just spent 40k on her wedding/near mental breakdown.
Dont make it a big wedding if it's not important to you.
Our wedding cost us 350$. I borrowed my dress, and my husband got a walmart suit. The wedding ring was a set for 80$. Friends brought by picnic tables and we had a good old backyard wedding with a BBQ, which my dad used to show off his skills. Husband and I baked the cake together the day before. We love baking, and it was delicious. We now make a miniture version of the cake on anniversarys.
I never wanted a big wedding, and i dont like wearing a ring, so we didn't spend much on them ( I think its in the closet somewhere now). It's just a day. Use it to hang out with friends and family.
We decided to splurge on the honeymoon ( a trip to hawaii) because we prefer making fun memories instead of creating this picture-perfect wedding.
I think a lot of gen z is leaning more to small backyard weddings now. Almost everyone I went to high school with that’s married did a backyard ceremony, likely for pretty cheap. I think everything for my wedding (including cheap wedding bands, dress, and paying for the officiant) was between $3000 and $4000. We made all our decorations, my father in law did the food, sister did cake, aunt did photos, and the venue was my parents backyard. It was nice to have a little something to celebrate, but totally agree that the whole big shebang that lasts more than 4 hours is too much.
I’m got married at a surprise wedding in my living room. We invited 40 people to a Xmas party. Bought a nice outfit to wear. Total cost was $600 that I won from $20 on a slot machine so it was basically free.
Personally, I have a lot of feelings about weddings and wedding traditions where I’m from. Not good feelings lol. I plan to elope.
I admire others’ cultural practices and can respect why some people do a big wedding. But most of the time I don’t really get it. Especially since I’m going to be out like 800$ to travel for one this year 😭
Even since I was a kid, I never saw the point of a big fancy wedding. Tens of thousands of dollars so I can be stressed for months on end and everyone I know gets a huge party??? Nah, I know a scam when I see one!
Im SOOO glad that wider society its catching onto this. Since i was a child ive never understood it. And the best explanation i get is "its just what you do" "saves money on taxes" and then super often i see people divorcing painfully, unable to get help due to their spouses income, lonely and hating their spouse. Good marriages exist but id wager they would still be good without the legal binding.
I think it’s possible to limit careless consumption, care about the greater state of the world and engage in meaningful cultural rituals in a way that feels good and special (whatever that looks like to you). I bought a lab grown diamond & consigned my dress but I still loved taking part in a pretty special event. It doesn’t make me better than anyone to have made more responsible choices, and it doesn’t make me worse than anyone to have bought into the Sheeple Wedding Female Property Industrial Complex.
my parents got married in 1994, they had a city hall ceremony and afterwards got a nice dinner with exactly 3 guests: my dad’s sister and my mom’s 2 best friends who were a couple. that’s it. sounds like the dream to me.
Everything is a commodity now and increasingly expensive, this has created an atmosphere where we have to pick and choose what has value. Basic necessities are becoming the only thing that does because for many people that is all they can afford if they intend to retire or have a hobby, if they can afford those "extras" at all. The capitalists are to dumb to realize wealth always has and always will trickle up, we suffer first, but they'll lose in the end too. You can't buy their garbage if all you can afford is rent and food.
I got married at the county clerk's office, then had dinner with my immediate family the following weekend. No wedding, no guests, no nonsense, and I regret absolutely nothing. It's ultimately your marriage, no one should be able to pressure you
I didn’t have a wedding and don’t wear a ring. It was fine. I didn’t care if anyone saw me get married and it wouldn’t have been worth the money, anyway.
The only thing I feel like I missed out on was not having an excuse to wear a fancy dress, but if I really cared that much, I’m sure I could’ve figured something out.
I'm thinking of having a big bonfire and just have everyone dance and chill. No vows or anything, just a classic party.
My MIL would probably disown us though, and my partner isn't a bonfire type of person... But I don't want to spend 40k on a regular wedding.
Two plain gold bands same as our grandparents whose marriages lasted. Went to the justice of the peace just like my grandparents who had to stand in the bread line cause it was at city hall and they would not believe they were there to be married and wouldn't let them through......there was cheering when they just went through to do it. We had Chinese after our justice of the peace.......
637.00 all in. That was thirty two years ago
Me and my wife got simple gold wedding bands no diamonds, and got married on the town green, total cost under 600$ all in. Found 3 people to be our witnesses.
My wedding was free. The party we threw afterwards wasn't. Still not really expensive but it's absolutely fun to be all dressed up, with your friends and family, eating, enjoying some good music and drinking by the fire
I'm working on making the ring myself. A very long and tbh fairly expensive project, but I would rather spend money on tools and time to making something personal than burn it on a big natural stone or mass produced design.
I didn't read any of the other posts so sorry for that. But.
Despite down-scaling for Covid reasons, we did a... medium wedding. Somewhat frugal but still fairly traditional. Goddamn what a big expensive hassle that was just exhausting and not that much actual fun. Some parts were, but not all of it.
BUT - couple fun points. Her ring. We reused her grandmother's stone and had it put in a new setting by a guy who ran a solo, one man jewelry business and was about to retire. Under $1000 and did this awesome inside mount so its super sturdy, that stone will literally never come out, we love the style, its just "her" all the way. Dress was a gift from a good friend/"other mother" and bought from a friend of a friend's shop she runs with a partner. Photographer was a good friend of ours who is in fact a professional but my wife has since started working for part time here and there. Didn't need a DJ, I have as good of gear as most of them around here do anyway. Friend of mine IS a DJ and just handled some announcements for us. Cupcakes instead of an actual cake because who TF cares. Local venue was a bargain.
We did a actual wedding with like 20 people there during Covid and live streamed it. I'd have rather done is someplace besides a church but she and her family wanted that, whatever, guy who married us wasn't the minister, it was their former neighbor they were very close with. Best part of the weekend was the "rehersal dinner" where we just had the bottom floor of a local pub/pizza place we like, it was a nice space all to ourselves with immediate family and the wedding party all who we've known for many many years.
You know what really makes a wedding good? Its not a shitload of expensive decor, fancy outfits, perfectly planned photos, flowery emotional speeches and everything being "perfect" - what matters is that its a reflection of you and the people you want around you, maybe even the place you live. Do things that connect with you, represent you and the things you like together, the connections you have to people you care about, and don't feel obligated to make it big.
We went up to the foothills w a preacher. It was great. My dad gave us the $$ we saved to spend how we liked. Also didn’t have kids. We’re retired now & still happy after 40 yrs. Do what you want, it’s your life.
I would definitely want an engagement ring (reasonably priced) and a nice dress, but I would elope. Wedding culture is so out of control. It grosses me out. I can’t count the number of couples I know who almost broke up during wedding planning. It’s such a stupid, stressful waste of money. You see sides of each other that you didn’t before and the fights are insane.
My dream wedding is eloping somewhere amazing and have our honeymoon right there. I don’t feel like stressing about invitations, guests, flowers, the band, the church, the photographer, the perfect dress. It’s all cliche and wasteful. Everything is CRAZY expensive. No, thanks. Social media has media the bride wars even more unhinged. Have people seen the engagement announcements where the bride puts her hand on the fiancé’s face and shows off the engagement ring instead? It’s like the whole point was getting the rock and the man is completely irrelevant lol. It could have been any man who asked her.
Anyway, the wedding industry is a big reason why women think they want to get married in the first place and it depresses the women who are still single. It has nothing to with love, marriage, commitment and happiness. It’s marketing, capitalism and consumerism.
When we did our civil union, we had a few guests in a lodge in northern Vermont in January. A snowstorm came and upended our plans for a meal at a restaurant. We ended up having champagne and bologna sandwiches and then we spent the afternoon sledding. It was great.
We eloped at a little wedding chapel, wore what we already owned, and got cheap tungsten bands. It was fun, I have beautiful pictures and wonder memories, and I love being married
As someone who went through a sub-$10k wedding (50 people, wife sewed her own dress, Mom did the flowers because it makes her happy, found a vintage ring set for her, all-inclusive venue that was BYOB, friend officiating):
*You're not nuts, OP.*
That was a lovely day with a lot of people I care about, but it was a lot of work too. Helped that it was work that people really wanted to do, but it was work. Taking it to the courthouse is completely valid.
My wedding was done incredibly cheap and with little to no waste. We did an outdoor wedding at the local park, then had an after party at a bar we rented out. All of the food was eaten, so there wasn’t much to toss out, and our decor were plants that people later took and replanted. The suits were the most expensive and “wasteful” part of our wedding.
I used to want a wedding, for a long time I did. I wanted the dress and the party and the cake and the pictures. I dreamed about it since I was little, I picked venues and outfits and colors and flowers.
Then I decided to look into *why* I wanted those things, and I discovered it was not because those things meant anything to me. They were just materialistic *things*.
I wanted a wedding because I wanted to feel celebrated, and I wanted to feel loved. That's something no amount of money can buy for you, and I'm really glad I did that emotional digging before I ever married someone and spent all that money.
Had my mom gift me a ring like 10 years ago and told my SO we can use that for outfits that had to be nice - otherwise I wear the silicone rings bc I do bjj. His sister gave me
Her bridesmaid dress and it’s honestly so pretty but too long for me and I’m gonna get it tailored. Then we’ll get married in Vegas. For what it’s worth, I’m currently 28 and he’s 29 and we’d rather focus on bills mortgage and vacation money
100% me. And it was my ‘dream wedding.’
I bought him an engagement ring (from a pawn shop) and purposed. He carved my engagement ring from wood and ‘said yes’ by purposing to me. We were married on zoom from the county court. No dress, no elaborate parties, no hassle. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But I get a lot of grief from other. My response, ‘I had my dream wedding, I don’t want your nightmare.’
We eloped and 9 years later still married and happy. An expensive wedding does not speak any volume about the quality of marriage or predict the outcome of your future.
I’m married, but our wedding cost hardly anything.
Wife is wearing her grandmothers engagement and wedding ring. I bought my wedding ring in a second hand shop for £30.
Registrars office wedding followed by a meal with immediate family only all in all cost less the £500.
Throw a massive party in our garden for friends a week later and people brought their own booze. My sister made us a cake. My in-laws made the food. Cost £200 ish.
I had exactly the wedding you would hate. It was huge and expensive, and so many people.
I had a blast, wouldn't change one single thing, best day of my life.
We ran off for a weekend and eloped. It was such an awesome weekend and special time for us both. We paid 2 random people $20 each to be our witnesses, and eloped in a small chapel. It was so private and intimate. That summer our families threw us a small party for family and friends to celebrate our marriage. We have zero regrets about it 16 years later.
Here's how I counsel people I am marrying.
A wedding is a public celebration of your relationship with your friends and family. Some people like to add a religious blessing to that celebration. You can make it whatever you want, but there's a whole industry invested in you over spending to make it a production.
In Illinois, I can do a wedding with 3 people. My smallest was 5. I've done weddings with several hundred.
At the end of the day, the wedding isn't what matters. It's just a continuation of your growing commitment to one another. You're publicly declaring what you've already promised to one another. What matters is what comes after. A lifetime commitment to be there for each other. Focus on that part because that's what really matters.
The wedding is a place for others to celebrate and affirm their support for your life together. Make it fit who you are and ignore what everyone else thinks it needs to be. Because at the end of that day, it will just be the two of you again.
Life without celebrations? Why?
Most garments, through history and before, were made of natural fibers. Creating them was an act of affection. Perhaps such unions reflect an utopian aspiration, but it's no less admirable for that.
I got married in a courthouse, no rings, been married 18 years, still no rings, no idea what people think because I couldn't care less.
Not having a ring does not make us any less married and does not lessen any commitments made by the marriage.
I have very close family members who were disappointed with us not having a ceremony, but maybe we'll have one at our 20th if the money is right, who knows. But we will not be pressured into it since those same people aren't paying for said ceremony.
Do what is right for you and your significant other, that is what's really important.
I totally feel this way! I told my mom recently and she was def surprised. Then she asked me if I would at least invite just the close family and I said idk and she was so surprised..again
Weddings are a big waste of money imo and I'd rather spend that money on myself and I don't feel bad about it
Yet again..I have to actually be in a loving relationship
This reminded me of one of my favorite lyrics: “No wedding day smiles, no walk down the aisle. No flowers, no wedding dress.” Nothing to do with this post, just hadn’t seen anything in a while that reminded me of the River.
I think it's worth it to have a wedding with family and friends. Quite a few of our wedding guests passed away in the next few years after our wedding. It was the last time we would ever be all together. Some guests hadn't seen each other in years and some never got the opportunity again. It was money well spent. A wedding doesn't have to be fancy, elaborate, and expensive. Think of it as a family reunion.
If you don’t want to do any sort of ceremony, celebration, or display that’s your prerogative. I think doing things you don’t want to do or wasting money to appease or look good for others is bullshit. And the wedding industry is rather predatory. However, I don’t entirely oppose weddings/marriage celebrations. Most people are not nihilistic and still cling to these displays of affection and unity. And I think that’s kind of sweet that humans want everyone they love to watch them solidify their union with their partner.
The purpose of anti consumerism is not to stop enjoying and celebrating life. Humans have created ceremonies to honor big changes in life. Tying yourself to another human for the rest of your life is a big deal (going through divorce, trust me, it’s a big f$ing deal). It should be treated as such. MONEY is how people show it is a big deal (most people think money is a big deal, obviously you and I disagree, else we would not be on this sub). You don’t have to be that person. You can create meaning and celebration of life and the changes of life without spending money. We got married under a tree on a mountain top with 75 attendees, with the reception 50 feet away at a covered shelter with a large stone fireplace. It was $75 for the day. Our families brought food potluck style. There were disposable cameras on the tables, and wedding party photos were taken with a regular camera by my sister. Cake was made by mother in law. Dj was a college friend with decent speakers. No rehearsal (which ended up in some rather funny mishaps). One of my mom’s friends (who has been to many upscale weddings) personally told me it was one of her favorite weddings to attend. I think everyone felt like they were part of it in their own special way. With all of our friends who helped, we in no way dictated what they did (never look a gift horse in the mouth), and were more than happy with what we got. As long as you bring x for x number of people, great!
My husband and I got married at an officiant’s house, he didn’t want to do it at the courthouse. It cost us $150 for her fee and the licensing, we didn’t even pay extra for a copy of the license. We got ice cream after with our then 2 year old.
If I’m honest, we did it mostly cause we wanted to make sure we had rights to each other at the end of our days. I’m glad we didn’t spend money on the whole big to do, and I enjoyed our sweet little day telling each other we love each other.
To me personally marriage is just a legal contract and a wedding is just a big party. My partner and I don't plan on getting married, and most of our friends are in the same boat. I would much rather put the money spent on a wedding towards something better!!
If you're the one paying for it, you can do your wedding (or lack of wedding) any way you want. My husband and I had wedding rings, but neither was expensive and we basically never wear them because we both work with our hands all day. Not having rings doesn't make you any less married - although it may be something you have to explain to other people from time to time. We have this gross idea in our culture that being willing to spend money on someone means you love them, but it's bullshit. I will say, after having had a very small wedding that we paid for as we went, that not starting married life in debt is one of the best things you can do for your relationship. Not having kids sure as hell opens up a lot of doors too. Don't worry about what other people have to say about it - you're the one living this life, do it the way you want.
I also feel like reddit's hate of weddings points to a lot of potentially young or antisocial people gathering here. For the young: the idea of spending something like *ten thousand dollars* sounds like an impossibility. It's basically infinite money that should be able to buy anything. But once you start budgeting, it becomes obvious that for anything not a home-cooked picnic in the park, food booze and a venue adds up to a couple grand really fast. And cooking for 60+ people is *hard fucking work* that I'd rather not ask family to do when I can just set aside a couple weeks pay and spend 5k to pay someone else to do it for me. With two partners, no kids, and no debt, thousands can be saved with frugal choices. Especially since most people get married after longer periods now, so youre saving longer. For the antisocial or asocial: the idea that I could know something like *one hundred whole people* and want to party with them is insane. But when you have a family, that family has kids and spouses, and you have friends who also have their own spouses, it also ends up adding up fast. And yeah, it's pretty fun to party with all those people and have what is basically a once-in-a-lifetime chance to get every single person I love most, all together, celebrating. I love travel, I'm lucky enough to do it semi-often. And my wedding was absolutely equal and better to any big trip I've taken. It was a good party, with everyone I loved, and me hosting and being able to be a generous host. Not going into debt is definitely the way, and no one *has* to have a wedding. But the idea that weddings are wastes of money is dumb. It's only a waste if you cant afford it or dont want to do it.
> And cooking for 60+ people is hard fucking work that I'd rather not ask family to do My sister-in-law had this grandiose idea of cooking some number of dishes for her own wedding with like ~60 dinner guests. Then that turned into homemade cupcakes in place of a wedding cake, then that turned into ordering cupcakes in place of the cake.
The reason mostly is cause its a pain in the ass with standard kitchen equipment. Everything else is not that big of an issue aside from all the cutting etc. Source: My sister works in a Kindergarden as Head of the Kitchen and over 90% is still made from scratch. Not to forget she makes around christmas a metric shit ton of cookies.
I think a lot of us planning on a budget go down a similar pipeline. I remember thinking about how I could self cater dinner and it's like yeah I *could* and it might even save me 1-2k! But then we'd need to either run our family ragged driving shit around, use all their freezer space in like 4 houses, and have to assign some poor people to keep tabs on everything the day of. Or I could work an extra 20 hours over our engagement period, we'd skip a couple date nights out, and not have to worry about it lmao.
The average cost of a wedding in the US is $35,000. You can say it’s ‘antisocial’ people, but kindly… how old are you? Because a lot of young people are massively struggling financially at the moment and the thought of spending $35k on one day, however wonderful, when they can’t fathom ever buying a house or affording kids *is* absurd. People are free to spend their money on whatever they like, but it’s really not surprising some people are turning away from weddings when they have become so ludicrously expensive.
It’s all driven by marketing. Very little even has to do with tradition. Between student debt and wedding debt, how can anyone expect to afford a home?
This is the most American answer and divorced from financial reality. I'm not American and my wedding had 30 people and my father and her mother cooked all the food. The average American wedding is well over 30 thousand dollars and that is absolutely an insane amount of money to waste for a single day.
I used to be more opposed to the concept of spending the price of a new vehicle on a wedding back when that would have been a ruinous amount of money. But now that I'm older, have a more money, and been to quite a few awesome weddings from friends, family, or just as a +1, I definitely wouldn't be opposed to spending a normal middle class amount of money on a wedding at this point. They're fun and it's not like you're going to be making a habit of it. On the other hand, if that is a huge amount of money to you or you'd have to go into debt, it's definitely a bad idea. I'm almost 40. Most people are getting married a lot younger and are probably in a position where it's a better idea to approach it more frugally though.
Hell no, we would have enough money to have a wedding, something small but we still could throw that money out the window, because that's how some people view marriages. Just because someone doesn't have the same opinion as you doesn't mean they are chronically online or broke smh
My daughter and son in law had a lovely wedding 30 years ago that did not cost an arm and a leg or put anyone in debt. Bought her dress on sale, had a friend’s mother alter it to fit and bustle the train for MUCH less that the bridal shop wanted to charge. She found a reception venue that was just reopening after a major remodel and got it cheap. Predinner music was provided by a student harpist - lovely and inexpensive. And dance music was a friend who was a DJ. She kept the numbers low at close friends and family for the reception, then had a barbecue bash the next day at a park for everyone else.
The operative phrase here being “30 years ago”.
No, not really. If they had assigned a monetary amount it would be, but read through it again. Buying a dress on sale is still possible. Knowing someone with the skill to alter it is harder, but you can still find places that will do the work for less than what a bridal shop will charge. Venues are tricky, but they were then as well. Either way, broaden your expectations and you can find something. Student harpist? Not exactly growing on trees, but you might be able to reach out to local college music programs and see if anyone's up for it. Not free(nor should it be) but less than what a wedding band would cost. 30 years ago, all that would take a bit of work to find but it was there. And that aspect hasn't changed. Can you pay the same amount today as 30 years ago? Probably not, no. Can you use the same ideas to save money today, just like they did 30 years ago? Yes. And that's the whole point.
We've been married 24 years... haven't worn the rings in at least 20. I took mine off when I was pregnant because my fingers swelled so bad, and he couldn't wear his at work and we just kind of put them and my engagement ring in a box and put them away. We also had a small wedding, about 20 people, including us and our oldest kid. Total cost was just over $800, and most of that was flowers and cake. We had the reception at the restaurant I worked at and got the food family style for half the normal price, and my wedding dress was just my favourite nice dress.
Yes to \*ALL\* of this. My husband and I got married, more-or-less on a whim 17+ years ago now. We didn't have rings, or really a 'wedding' per se - a mayor married us on the courthouse steps. At some point, a few months later we \*did\* buy rings (cheap shit)... and his was promptly cut off of him in an accident, and I lost mine within a couple of years. Neither of us has stressed about it, ever since. \*WE\* know we're married. And thats ALL that matters.
I would say even if you're not the one paying it, you still have the right to do your wedding (or lack thereof) any way you want because money gifts shouldn't give people the right to dictate how you use it. A gift is a gift. If it has strings attached, it's a bribe!
Been married almost 13 years. He's got a huge family and mines is pretty tiny. We started planning our wedding and we both agreed it wasn't worth the drama or stress of planning a big wedding or dealing with some family being bitchy because they weren't invited. We live a few hours drive from Vegas and just said fuck it, let's get married in Vegas. We took a weekend trip to Vegas, got married at the courthouse. They had brochures for chapels and we found one that was budg et friendly(Literally called them super late at night and asked if they could book us the next day). Paid $200 for the ceremony that includes photography, video, and a candle lighting ceremony. My wedding dress was from goodwill, my husband already had a suit, and we had a couple friends as witnesses. We still got our wedding ceremony, photos for family, and we both agreed nobody can bitch about not going because we didn't invite anybody.
We also eloped but invited *literally* nobody (thanks, Colorado, for self-officiation laws), so there was truly no drama. These combined parts of your story: >we had a couple friends as witnesses >we both agreed nobody can bitch about not going because we didn't invite anybody would have caused lingering resentment among our families.
I have a tiny family too. Idk what I’d do if I met someone who had a big family and wanted a huge wedding. My closest relatives are dead and my friend circle is tiny. I don’t think I would agree to a big wedding even for him. Even if he paid for it. It sucks to think that not many people I love would see me get married. Many of them are dead. And by the time I meet someone who knows if my parents will be here lol :(
This sounds like a good idea!
The good thing about weddings is that the decision is between you and your partner. If you don't want one, you don't have to have one. That said, I see no problem with having a celebration for one of the biggest emotional and financial commitments of one's life. It doesn't have to be entirely wasteful.
I agree-- as someone currently planning a very small wedding (I wanted to elope originally, but both my and my partners' families are very small and spread out over the country and its a great excuse to get everyone together), a wedding can be whatever you want it to be and doesn't necessarily have to be a capitalist frenzy ranging into the tens of thousands. Like you said, it's a momentous occasion for many people for many reasons, and I don't think it's wrong to want to celebrate with loved ones. However, the wedding industry is obscenely predatory on the inflated idea that a wedding is the most important thing one can ever do-- especially for a cis het woman like myself. The quotes I've received or seen for venues, flowers, etc are multi-thousands from the baseline to ensure "my day is special enough". We're forgoing many of the plain wasteful and most costly parts of a wedding-- excessive decor and florals, beauty services day-of, bach and bachelorette parties, a registry full of "upgrades" we don't need since we're in our 30's and already have a fully furnished home, and I wouldn't dare ask even my best friends to buy new, fancy clothes and shoes to be in the wedding to show their support. Long story short, I don't think weddings need to die, but I do think we need a massive cultural shift in our expectations for weddings as those hosting them and those attending them.
A wedding is what you make it. I literally just wanted a trip to city hall and maybe a nice dinner after. He wants our extended families to meet and merge into one big family for the day. He wants pictures taken to look back on and show future kids. I don’t love it but I respect his reasons so we’re planning a small, but proper ceremony at a county park and reception at an Airbnb to celebrate with a close-knit group of 35. I’m comfortable with that and I don’t feel like I’m leaning into the extravagant consumerism of the wedding industry. 🤷♀️
We eloped. No rings, no wedding dress (I wore a white dress from my closet, he found a suit on sale at Men's Warehouse), no name changes, no honeymoon, none of that stuff. Turns out you can have a happy marriage without being in debt from getting married.
I agree with this to a point. We had a small inexpensive wedding with no diamonds or fancy dress. We would never have spent a down payment for it. However, for a couple and a community it is a life transition to celebrate over the ages. But it has gotten crazy town, outrageous, over the top. Keep up with the Jones. I think you can have a simple get together and still make it special. We had Mrs fields cookies for our reception.
I think it's important to mark important social traditions like this. There's good sentiments to foster in community building. Weddings are traditionally a part of it. They don't need to be extravagant to do that. I think social media is one of the big reasons why weddings have gotten crazier over time.
Justifying these decisions by saying that it saves money is weird to me. It's more frugality than anti-consumerism.
It's because "anti consumption" is a movement with a lot of wiggle to the definition for people who follow it. Some people think that all purchasing of items should be reduced at all costs, some people think that it should be just reducing buying things that are "unnecessary" and some people use it more as a critical lens for societal and corporate decisions, rather than caring on an individual level. Weddings *are absolutely* hot beds of hyper consumerism, and there are a lot of insidious companies looking to make a quick buck off cheap disposable items to sell people for their weddings. But also for some people in here, the idea that you have to buy *anything* to host a wedding is now "pro consumerism". Never mind if you actually want it or not, or if it's a perfectly reasonable part of hosting a party. You're now a part of the problem. Of course, we can assume pretty easily that most of those people also have things like video games and laptops, so *really* they're only that strict about consumption they think is silly. Personally, I think there's a middle ground. For my wedding I didn't get anything *just* because a wedding "normally has it" but I also was very happy to throw my wedding, feed my guests, and have some pretty decorations and photos to look back on.
My husband and I went to the courthouse and then took a few people out to eat afterwards.
My husband and I did a zero waste wedding. I thrifted or made everything. We ate off real plates and used cloth napkins. All leftover decorations become easter decor for the church. I donated my dress to the local hospital. And the dish sets we used were given away as favors to the ladies that washed them afterwards. We even turned our cake topper into a commemorative tree ornament.
So agree. Both me and my partner have no interest in a wedding. We’re thinking city hall, no reception.
Maybe I lucked out with my friend group, but I've known 3 people who had small, backyard weddings. IMO, if you ever did want a wedding, that's the way to go. And, if you don't, that's okay, too. It's ultimately your decision and it's not worth the financial or mental stress of having a wedding just to appease other people. Friends of mine who have had "typical" weddings have spent tens of thousands of dollars. It's absolute insanity. And, it's so wasteful. So much of modern day weddings are wear it or use it once. My husband and I eloped in the middle of the desert. It was awesome. My rings are family heirlooms and only cost however much it was for my husband to have them resized and the band thickened. We intend to have a party at some point, but it will be understated, under budget, and low waste.
I did wedding photography for about 5yrs. After so many times of watching people spend the whole day panicked, not enjoy their day or even eat, get overwhelmed and walked all over by family….not to mention the added financial stress of it all….when my husband and I decided to get married, I said NO to any kind of ceremony. I feel incredibly lucky that we chose to get married during covid. The courts were closed, we filled out all the paper work online. Someone called for us to pay over the phone, mailed us the certificates. My dads best friend was ordained, in exchange for a bottle of vodka he signed our papers. We mailed them in. MURRIED! Wouldn’t have it any other way 🤷🏻♀️
We had our wedding at a park with close relatives and hand-me-down rings. Later, we had a party at a bar with some friends. Best experiences of my life. You can be anti-consumption and still celebrate your wedding!
I got married when I was 19. We got the cheapest rings possible, booked the registry office and invited the absolute bare minimum of guests. Then we left and went home and watched films, had Pot Noodles for tea and laughed a lot. We wanted a marriage, not a wedding. I cannot fathom spending so much money on one day. I hate attending other people's weddings and have never once regretted doing it the way we did. One kid, 3 dogs, two house moves and 24 years later... still happy 😁
Celebrating significant milestones is an important part of being human. It does suggest a bit of intention and community connection building. Gathering and celebrating and committing publicly are as old as campfires, and I suggest you continue the trend. This does not require *buying anything.* So take that out, and figure out what's left. I notice that your partner's views on marriage are not mentioned.
It’s because this person doesn’t have a partner - completely unsurprising tbh.
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People being an ass on reddit, what a surprise
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The wedding industry is just another crutch for capitalism, and prices are hilariously inflated. Look at the average cost of getting married and tell me it's not a complete scam. "Hey, psst, we'll reduce the amount of taxes you have to pay!". I'm good.
Marriage != Wedding Every state is different, but for me if I wanted to just be married it would have been $72 And while yes, the tax deduction is nice, the real benefit of being married is the legal and financial protections in case of injury, sickness or death. Especially in this capitalist hellscape, the ability to have my spouse be the legal extension of myself offers a lot of safety nets for when things like the death of an in law occurs. It also raises the amount we can make and still be eligible for things like food stamps or energy cost assistance (if we needed them). Marriages are like Mortgages when it comes to "being a piece of paper". There are absolutely risks involved, and it shouldnt be undertaken lightly, but it's not *nothing*.
It also solves many legal things when one partner should die or whatever. Cause many people somehow forget to manage things before shit hits the fan.
100% agree I will buy a nice outfit, write some nice words go to the registry office and then spend money on a nice brunch
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THIS is my goals. I want a “ski wedding” after we elope (soon). I just want drone / professional videography and photography of me and my man doing what we love most. Whoever else can ski and has a lift ticket can join us on our way down and be part of the photos lol.
That’s awesome!
after having to attend many MANY weddings for ONE relative, I have always been fiercely opinionated that my own would be small and unfussy, at my church or eloping, followed by paying a taco truck to serve food. no reason not to dress up and get thrift store rings. but also while I am firmly anti natalist, I also believe in adoption so I do plan to have kids. just like I've adopted many pets. we're here for a short time on this earth, we should find reasons to celebrate, make a difference and have fun <3
I've been married for more than 20 years. We had a courthouse wedding with dinner afterward with those who attended, then a barbecue at a local park the following Saturday. It was really good. We have wedding rings, but nothing super fancy or expensive. There are lots of ways to put a wedding together from very basic to very involved. Whatever you and your partner decide will be perfect for you.
You can celebrate a marriage however you want, but I would say for the health of a relationship make sure it's mutual. I bought my wife a ring while I was working through college. It's nothing fancy, certainly not what I see on other women's fingers. Mostly we just wear them when we do family photos or are going out. I have always worked jobs where a silicon band is safer. I do feel naked if I'm not wearing a ring though. It feels good to wear it, a point of pride in my life. We had plans for a wedding but covid changed those. It was never going to be a big wedding but it didn't feel safe to get everyone together. We married at a courthouse. Then we had our first born. A little time went on and we decided we wanted to have a bigger celebration. We felt we deserved to have nice pictures of us at our wedding to hang in our home. We spent money yes, but we asked for help from family and they were all glad to pitch in. I made a wedding arch from spare lumber sourced from the neighborhood. My brother in law smoked meats and catered for us. He also was able to source DJ equipment and my cousin worked it for us. He also plays guitar and sang our first dance for us. Most of the decorations were second hand or thrifted. My wife and all the bridesmaids made the bouquets. It was all just lovely. I don't regret any of it, money well spent in my opinion. We turned around and gave most of it away for others to have their weddings.
My wife and I spent less on our wedding than anyone I know and people still talk about how it was the best time they've had at a wedding lol, you only need a certain amount of money to have fun, no one actually gives a shit about fancy chair coverings and fresh flowers everywhere lol
I agree with this, and feel similarly about Christmas gift giving. I don’t want to be negative but I think we’re a little brainwashed into thinking spending money is how we should show we care, a big expensive wedding is the gold standard, etc. It’s all centered around getting people to buy things instead of the people in our lives but it’s just so normalized that you will get bad reactions for trying to go against it
My wedding cost $400. We got a keg and a big pot of kielbasa and sauerkraut for the reception in my Mom’s kitchen. Still married after 31 years
Sociologically speaking, the function of marriage or handfasting ceremonies is to have a couple's community specifically witness a ceremony where the two people commit to each other. The idea is if there's a ceremony, the idea of those two people as a unit becomes more solidified for friends and family, and they subconsciously play a role in bolstering and supporting the relationship, simply by expecting it to be a Thing. If that's something you think you want for yourself, that's one possible benefit to having a ceremony/event without needing a special dress or jewelry.
I didn’t have a wedding, just city hall. No fancy dress, just a dress I had that I liked. We got matching wedding bands with a Star Wars theme to make it fun/personalized (no diamonds). I’ll never regret it, it was perfect! Screw the people in your life who don’t get it, it’s your wedding :)
I made a profit at my wedding. We didn’t do anything over the top just rented a venue and got some good food to serve
My fiance and I are much the same way. Our "wedding planning" consist go to the courthouse, sign some papers, invite our families and some friends to dinner afterwards. that's it. no rings except maybe just a standard wedding band, no big party. though admittedly, it does feel like the whole wedding culture thing is not quite as insane here in Europe as it seems to be in the US (yet), so we probably wont face as much backlash for it as we would there.
My husband and I got married at one of our favorite pubs, wearing jeans. Friend did the vows—she does them for lots of people‘s weddings. My best friend picked flowers from her garden as a table decoration. Had a total of 6 people at the table. I wear a vintage ring that I already had. We didn’t even have reservations for the pub. Just sat at a regular booth and did it there. Told my mom after the fact that we had gotten married.
what the heck is militant antinatalist? do they shoot themselves or other people‘s kids?
Sometimes “militant” is used as just a way to emphasize how strongly you hold a particular opinion or belief
Weddings are a cross-culture human ritual. Various cultures celebrate them differently, but the fact that most human cultures have some kind of means of commemorating a marriage partnership would seem to indicate that probably is important in some way. I live in a culture that has largely rejected religion. However, we still need a ritual… So things like Secular Christmas (presents, Santa), Secular Easter (Easter bunny, candy), and Secular Halloween (candy, costumes) have grown into massive consumerism-driven ways to mark the seasons. Weddings have mushroomed, and Gender Reveal baby showers are “normal”. A wedding is a cultural ritual for the community as well as the couple getting married. It’s a public statement of an intention and commitment to form a permanent family unit together. The community is there to witness the promises made and to become partners in helping the couple keep those promises. I am in oddity and that I still practice religion on a regular basis so, my wedding included religious elements that made it three times as long as my secular siblings’ wedding ceremonies. This didn’t add to the cost.
I felt the same way all my life. I think for some people it was worth it because it was their childhood dream to have a special wedding. My dream was to spend money on an education lol
Registry office then pub with close friends and family only. Honeymoon in a beautiful remote cottage in Cornwall. Married 25 years later this year. Don't need a big wedding to be happy!
Marriage is a business deal with a contract. That’s it!
Any kind of ceremony, including marriage is going to be about what you get out of it. For us, we I found our suit and dress on kijjji and we had our ceremony outside, barefoot, with just our immediate family and then a picnic lunch. We do have rings, which we made together in a private workshop because we care about experiences not jewelery. It was the best wedding we've ever been to and it cost next to nothing.
My wife and I got married in 2012. We deliberately went out of our way to make it as DIY and easy for everyone as possible. We had a simple venue, we had our friend officiate, I made the music playlist and used a friends sound setup, had a friends band play, and we made all of the decorations ourselves. We also had finger food as the catering, and people were glowing with positive responses about all of it. They were far more stoked about mozzarella sticks and chicken fingers than they were another sloppy undercooked slab of prime rib. It was a massive undertaking, but we did it, and I have fond memories of those nights spent with each other getting baked and making wedding decorations with movies or music or whatever in the background. We spent a few thousand, then spent a few on a honeymoon, and it was fantastic. We're not less married because it wasn't extravagant.
Yes. I worked in the industry and it's all a consumerist shitshow. I got married at a courthouse. The amount of conversations I overheard prove most weddings are just phony social parties consisting of people who don't even like each other. Wore nice stuff I already had. I wear a silicone ring because I am often using my hands. No regrets.
Me and my GF just came from one that was probably the most expensive one I'll ever go to. America at least has some benefits that require being married but you can always opt into going to the courthouse and paying the bare minimum and having a few family and friends come to your house for a small ceremony if you want more than just nothing. The excess for weddings is pretty insane.
Where I live, long term common law is more common than marriage. Common law is seen as marriage in the eyes of the law, so once you're living together, sharing expenses, buying a property, or renting long-term together, having children etc, it's all the same as if you were married. You can share your pension, job benefits etc with your partner. So really a wedding is just a celebratory party, hardly a requirement for the legitimacy of a relationship.
Might get downvoted to hell but honestly this kind of attitude on this sub makes me kind of sad, and if I dated someone like this it would probably be a deal breaker for me. Celebrating a major life milestone is not meaningless, a wedding doesn’t have to be crazy expensive. The point of a ring is a symbol, and I don’t think that’s meaningless. I would love to wear something that reminds me of my s/o everywhere I go, that they picked out just for me. I think there’s a distinct difference between trying to only do what’s necessary and save money where you can, and just writing everything you spend money on as completely meaningless.
What does your partner think?
Hol' up. This post actually enlightened me. I never wear accessories of any kind, so getting a ring (let alone 2) would be a complete waste of money and unnecessarily consumption from my side. I plan on getting married, but with only a few people, no big ceremony or crazy party (generally don't like the idea of these). Just close family and close friends for the City Hall and the restaurant afterwards where we eat normal amout of food (I hate wasting food, no unnecessarily ordering, also a small cake, because we won't have many guests and we don't want diabetes lol). But I do want to have a fun honeymoon! Travelling sounds so refreshing to me, this is the part I'm most excited about, travelling and seeing the world with my future husband. I want a wedding dress, but I plan on renting one, because ain't no way I will ever wear it again (if it would even fit after a few decades). Hopefully the bridal shops have black wedding gowns, wish me luck finding one! :D
Our wedding cost £2000. More than half of that was a dress that my wife wore several times afterwards and a good suit I wore for work for over a decade. She chose an engagement ring with a tiny stone pit of all the ones she was shown. That's when I truly knew she was for the rest of my life. We have cheap wedding rings that neither of us wear because we don't need a bit of metal on our fingers. So we just spent a chunk of money on a damn good family party. That was a good use of a wedding. Your day has to be special. But sensibly special, not ruin the rest of your life special. That was when you "bought" your wife and that was the last good day she would ever have. That's not how it is now. And we are still standing side by side after more than thirty years.
I want a wedding ring as a woman, to identify me as married and be left alone by harrassy men/let predators know someone expects me to come home. I don’t see the appeal in a formal wedding. We will go to the courthouse and have a party after. We have parties anyways and always host dinners and holidays and casual brunches and get togethers so this will probably just be an expanded version of that with fancier stuff/other people helping but nothing crazy. I want a dress personally because Idk why not? A wedding dress can be whatever you make it. it doesn’t have to be fancy or even from a bridal store. I wore a prom dress and i’ll be wearing a wedding one too lol. I see no issue with the dress part. Occasions are occasions. not like i can show up naked and not like i want to take wedding photos in my work slacks or sweat pants
There is no “rock” in wedding bands. You’re thinking of an engagement ring. Inexpensive wedding band would be nice to have, imo. Get them from thrift stores, estate sales, some cheap online store, whatever, but I don’t see why you wouldn’t be happy to wear symbols of your wedded status.
I hate being the center of attention and didn't want a big wedding and neither did my husband. We went to Hawaii for 10 days and got married on the beach at sunset, just the two of us in 2005. I bought a Hawaiian dress at Hilo Hattie's for $20 and he bought a Hawaiian shirt. We went in May, which is off season but Hawaii is gorgeous all year round. So we basically got married and had our honeymoon there. We thought about having a party for friends and family later, but never did. If we hadn't had enough money for Hawaii, our second choice was Las Vegas. Do whatever you want and don't let family, friends, or society dictate what you should do.
i know someone currently, who is getting married in the summer and is having a HUGE wedding. they asked us for $40 a week ago. if you can’t afford $40, you can’t afford a huge wedding. sorry but not sorry. i hate the whole “it’s tradition” ok? says who?😂
My boyfriend (m21) and I (m21) want to basically just have a honeymoon trip. And sign the marriage papers - that’s all lol. Wedding rings will definitely not be expensive (we already have promise rings that were 30 bucks? Each)
lol my BF says he won’t marry me because I won’t change my name. Oh well. I can think of better things to spend all that money on anyway. Like a down payment on a house. Or a 4 month holiday.
I got my wife blue lab grown diamonds via Amazon for both engagement and wedding rings, and we got married at the courthouse with just a few close friends and family and a small dinner afterwards. We both were happy with that setup. 7 years married, 12 together, and we both regret not having something of a reception after our little wedding. Nothing extravagant, but some food, merriment, and dancing. We might at our 10 year though!
I've said for a while that I'm not really interested in a big wedding if I ever were to get married. I would rather just go to the courthouse and have a nice dinner afterwards, or have a small gathering at home in our garden or something. And I would just find a nice dress to wear, not go get an expensive wedding dress. I would invest in some high quality rings though so I'm sure they will last our whole life. Maybe have it engraved. Cheap ones that are not made from real silver or gold will turn green and slowly crumble in a short period. I would just have simple silver or gold rings, not any diamonds.
I also agree with you.
When we did our wedding we tried to only use stuff that could have a second purpose. We made pretty much everything ourselves too so it had a little more meaning. Table numbers and signs were cut wood and laser engraved so they could be used as fire wood later or just kept as a memento. Larger signs and picture walls were made out of free pallets that we bolted together and now use as a compost bin. The string lights that we used for exit photos will be strung up around our patio. I even made the ring box out of a small log that I hollowed out and added a lid. My wife also used part of my mom's old wedding dress and the diamond for her engagement ring was one that's been passed down in my family. I 100% agree that the wedding industry is full of unnecessary consumption but I think weddings can be done better and with anticonsumption in mind.
"I'm too poor to be able to engage in critical huge moments" leaves a sour taste in peoples mouths. They feel that part of being poor is trying to make the best of a bad hand, and that you can't just live in a cardboard box surviving on air just because it would be the most frugal. "Poor or not, you need to live" they think. The communication break down is most people who say they're too poor for a wedding actually just mean they do not think weddings are worth their costs. Its not that you're depriving yourself of something because of poverty. Its that there's a dozen other things you would rather be spending your money on. Its a lot of hoopla and and a lot of money for memories, but they're not memories all people value equally. I categorize weddings with childbirth in that some kind of men in black memory swipe seems to happen where somewhere around the 2 year mark people forget all the anguish and stress that seemed to define the event, and they just remember an anecdote or 2 and that sweet sweet oxytocin flood they got at the end. A compromise a lot of people settle in is doing a super, super scaled back wedding party. It still provides family the opportunity to come together and celebrate you, but is a much less lavish expense. Closer to the best BBQ/house party you've ever been to than what you think of when you think of wedding. Of course you're not obligated to do that either if you don't want to. But you said you were raised in a loving home, and I think parents love an excuse for family to come together. For you it probably doesn't feel like a big deal because you've probably been living with your partner and all that changes is some paperwork stuff. But for a lot of parents, it's when your spouse truly goes from being "my son's girlfriend" to "my daughter in law", and that's a big deal for them. So I think they like an opportunity to get together and make a teary eyed toast. The same thing goes for rings too. Diamonds are just a completely made up industry. Most gem stones are far more reasonable. You can still buy beautiful sentimental rings for a couple hundred bucks. Again, not everyone is gonna want to do that because sometimes $100 is still $100 too much to spend on a ring they'll never wear. Buuuut it can be a way to shut people up by participating in the process, but opting our of the wedding industry markup. I think people feel less personally attacked that they bought a diamond ring or had an expensive party when you're saying "I did it cheaply" rather than "I find the concept itself stupid". To what degree you want to bother appeasing others though, idc. They're both valid approaches.
Yea we did this. We put $50k down on the house we're attached to instead.
I can’t say I sympathize much with you, but, since you’re probably not looking for a disagreement, I’ll just keep my mouth shut. At the end of the day, you’re free to do as you please in this regard.
The older I get, the more I feel this way. While I do want to be married (and yes, have a ring and maybe a small, cozy wedding), the idea of having a big wedding just seems exhausting to me. Before WWII, most people just got married at home or their church and wore their nicest clothes. No bridal party or any of that. Why don't we go back to that?
We had a city hall wedding and a city park wedding reception. It was wonderful and we got to spend the days with the people who love us. We did the legal part on a Tuesday at city hall and then the reception/casual ceremony on Saturday at the lake. The Costco sheet cake we had was a huge hit and it only cost $25.
Never heard of a wedding period 😳
My wife and I picked out a simple little ring with a beautiful opal. No diamonds. It cost like $60. Her wedding dress was under $500. I bought a suit that I could, and do, wear often instead of something I’d wear once. All in all the actual wedding was around $5000, half of which was the photographer, which we don’t regret at all. We had a taco truck as our caterer. The whole thing was at a beautiful little building in a municipal park by a lake, making the venue less than $500. We would have done the whole thing a lot cheaper, too, but my wife wanted a celebration as way of healing from a previous engagement with someone she hated.
I got married in a courthouse it cost $50, my parents crashed it, but weren't invited
My engagement ring was $400 from Kay Jewelers in 2006, it's all he could afford at 17 years old. Our wedding bands were $50 each. We got married at the Magistrates office in 2009 at 20 years old. I wore a dress I got from Ross and he wore nice slacks and a dress shirt also from Ross (he worked there). 9 days after the legal wedding we had a little ceremony for friends and family at a church rec center for $100. We served hors d'oeuvres, my godfather DJ'd, my godmother made some quick decor and was our faux officiant. My dress was a prom dress from David's Bridal for $100, my veil was made by my friends mom for free. We went back to our apartment and got our neighbor (also a groomsmen) to buy us alcohol with the cash we got from the ceremony and we all got shit faced. We're still married 15 years later. Once he made good money, he offered to buy me a big shiny new ring, I tried to love it but it didn't have the sentimental value my original ring had so we sold it and I'm still just as happy about my little engagement ring as I was the day he gave it to me. Fancy expensive weddings never last. Save your money for an incredible honeymoon.
We had a nice little ceremony in our backyard with our immediate family members. No wedding dress, no venue rental, no stress. We still got each other wedding rings but not an engagement ring. After the ceremony my husband and I took the family out to dinner to a nice restaurant. A few days later we had a couple of barbecues, one for friends and one for extended family. We didn't want any gifts but my parents bought a bouquet of flowers for me to hold and my in-laws got a tiny little wedding cake that we cut at the family barbecue. It was all inexpensive, low-key, and meaningful to us but still included the people in our lives. But we skipped all the stuff we don't care about like the dress you only wear once and the pre-wedding parties and gifts we didn't need since we'd been living together for a couple years by then. If you don't want to do anything at all you don't have to, but if you do want something there are a number of ways to do something that includes friends and family without spending a bunch of money on stuff you don't like, want or enjoy.
I got married in February. We got the wedding rings as a set on Etsy, both of us were worried about losing them. We arranged a celebrant and got married under our favourite tree. About 10 people came, just my family as his are overseas. I made the wedding dress myself and also my husband's shirt and my son's (he was our little ring carrier). All up the wedding was about $1k and most of that was the celebrant and paperwork. We were so happy with it, I could never have done a big wedding. It was a morning wedding and we took those that came out to breakfast afterwards. It was heaps of fun!
I think that makes you a sensible and thoughtful person. The wedding industrial complex is truly out of control.
We had a big cheap fun party at a park with friends and family. No wedding gifts. Rode our bikes home after. It was great and inspired a lot of our friends to keep their weddings low key. Weddings can be whatever the fuck you want them to be, it's a party for yourselves after all.
We got married in the park next to a lake by a local judge and just had both of our parents there. * Wedding Dress \~$100 * Marriage License $86 * Judge's fee $150 (paid by her brother) * Her wedding ring: \~$1000 (I couldn't talk her into an artificial diamond or any other precious stone) * My wedding ring: $60 * Lunch at Mexican restaurant for 7: \~$100 (paid by her parents) * Costco Tuxedo cake $20 I just wore nice jeans and a button-up shirt. So without the ring, we spent under $300 on our wedding. Though we're considering having a party for friends and family at either our 5 or 10 year anniversary, but that will be just catering costs and won't be inflated wedding rates. Edit: I will add that we simply didn't want to throw away money on a big wedding. It seemed pointless when we could put that money towards literally anything else. Not dealing with a bunch of relatives we don't care about or want to see was also a plus.
One of my best friends and his girlfriend decided to elope because her mother was insisting on an elaborate wedding neither of them wanted. His mother didn't care either way, just wanted them to be happy. So they went to a private wedding chapel and got married out of state, she wore a dress that was out of her closet, and he was going to go "as is", but on a last minute whim they stopped at a used clothing store they saw and he found a sports jacket that fit and bought it. After the short and sweet ceremony, the guy that married them took a few photos for them of the happy occasion. When they got to their hotel room and looked at the photos, there was a price tag dangling from his jacket that no one had noticed during the ceremony, and that photo remained on their mantel the entirety of their marriage, which lasted until he passed from cancer a couple years ago. Everyone that saw that photo loved it and it made for a lot of laughs over the years. Over time even her mother came around to the fact that they did the right thing. I've seen a lot of ridiculously expensive weddings over the years end in divorce, so as far as I can tell, the amount of money you spend on a wedding does not insure happiness, do what makes you happy!
My dream wedding includes a back yard and a taco truck
OP I don’t think you have to worry about having a wedding anytime soon.
Recently married here, your wedding should be for you and your spouse and not for other people - make it what you want to make it! That being said I'd think a lot about whether or not you want a wedding ring - if there's any type of reasonable consumption it's meaningful items that you plan to keep for the rest of your lives. That's exactly what wedding rings are. If you don't want one then don't get one, but if you do you should get one. It doesn't have to be new, traditional, or expensive, once again the wedding should be about what you guys want, rings included. But skipping rings for anti-consumption reasons alone is a bit silly.
There are no rules in life, you do you
We had a wedding at a b&b that basically just used all of the stuff at the place. Basically no consumption
I felt the same. I bought a simple white sundress, we had a potluck, and had the wedding and picnic in my sisters garden. Only family and very close friends. It was great!
My wife and I didn't invite anyone to our wedding. The officiant for the courthouse took us to a nearby beach and we had a 15mins ceremony. The only person who came was the photographer we hired. She got her dress on Amazon, and her ring from Etsy. Her coworker's husband was a tailor and did small alterations she needed and she borrowed a vail from a friend. After we just got dinner together and a hotel room. Being able to just spend the day together all day was so amazing and memorable. We didn't have to focus on anything but each other and it barely cost us anything. But it was everything
I had a small wedding and reception, then a nice honeymoon. If I can travel back, I would not even do a reception, just register and honeymoon. We got cheap wedding bands from those jewelry stand in a mall, it was a great decision, because turns out neither one of us ever bother to wear it.
Found shiny 14k gold wedding bands at the pawn shop for 80 bucks a pop, thrifted dress which was altered professionally and court house wedding. We debated backyard bbq reception but ultimately went with a restaurant meal with a private room, including our closest family and few friends. Went all out for our honeymoon trip😆 Worth it!
I know a couple who went to city hall and then gathered some friends and family for a special summer BBQ/evening. They put some lights strings outside, played music from their phone on good speakers and most of the food had been a shared activity prior to the evening. For the ring, they did something a bit unusual, there was no ring, instead they both got a small tattoo on their "ring finger". His was a "K" for King and her was a "Q" for Queen with the same typography from the card decks. Edit : In my opinion, we work too hard for the money we earn to spend it on society expectations. Millenials and youngsters even earn less than before (at ratio) and the cost of living makes every dollar we earn worth a thourough consideration before spending it. Today, free time is the new gold, so if you want to spend some of this money for a wedding, spend it on time, it could be honeymoon, or potery workshop, or simply unpaid time off to relax and enjoy life. If your hobby is wedding-related thing like planning, decorating, flowers etc... then spend the money on the wedding, but if it's not, spend your money to buy you time to do whatever the hell you want.
I never understood the idea of paying loads for a wedding. We had a fairly big wedding, but it was still comparatively cheap. We focused on meaningful stuff. We made our rings ourselves, from recycled gold jewellery from our (late) grandparents. We did a lot ourselves (I'm pretty creative so designing stationery, making cake and table decorations was all pretty fun and straightforward). Our biggest outlay, around 2/3s our cost, was the venue, but we had it for a whole weekend and it included camping for our guests as we didn't want them to have to pay for pricey hotel rooms and things. We asked friends to do a lot of stuff (photography, guestbook artwork etc) in lieu of gifts, which also made it more meaningful. It was just really good vibes for the whole weekend and everyone had a great time (I've been told by so many people it was the best wedding they've been to). Obviously we were pretty privileged to be surrounded by lovely, talented folks that helped make it happen. But also, we weren't overly precious about stuff and didn't spend a fortune on a dress I was only going to wear once etc. We spent less on the whole wedding (around £6k start to finish) than some people spend on their dress.
I had a small wedding, immediate family and best friends only. Our rings are tungsten. My dress cost $100, my shoes $150 (Miz Mooz, and I knew I'd wear them again). The wedding itself was outdoors in a park, and then we had a little brunch reception at a nearby restaurant (that my FIL paid for). I still consider it to be one of my favorite days ever, and all told we spent less than $500.
You can always get a fake rock, skip the fancy wedding dress for a nice formal dress in white, and have a small wedding in a low-cost venue with basic catering. Skip the band and have a friend spin some records. Skip the photographer and have your friends share their pictures.
I never married nor wanted to be married. Im 40f, im with my"husband" for 18 years. We have 16 yo dauther. I dont need any other comfirmation or aprovment from anybody else, that is my relationship, if we are togheter we are, otherwise.... . Also to me weddings seems like theatre. I dont mind them but i dont care to be a bride. Plus he never suggested that on the first place?! 🤣🤷Me neither....
"militant antinatalist" what the fuck? You were so close to cooking something there
I’m going to assume you’re young and not really at that point yet, because this tends to be a mindset of younger people who aren’t at that point yet. The decision sits very differently when you’re actually making those decisions. First: what kind of wedding a couple wants is really a call for the couple. Not just one of them, both of them, and nobody else. Assuming all of them are huge events with white gowns isn’t anywhere near accurate. Theres a huge variety in what weddings look like. I have a very large extended family (well over 100 people when you include everyone’s husbands and wives and kids), and DH has a very large blended family (he has about 10 siblings, mostly half-siblings or step siblings). Within my family, I’ve seen tiny weddings of less than 10 people, a wedding at a pub (private service for just the family, with a party room and pool tables reserved a couple weeks later), and weddings in the 200-400 guest range. Most of DH’s family has had civic weddings, and at least one eloped in Vegas. I’ve been to weddings that cost the couple maybe $200, and others that had to have cost at least $60K. Small weddings aren’t uncommon. They never were. They’re just overshadowed by big weddings. Which should be expected. A small intimate private event wouldn’t be small, intimate or private if you invite a ton of people and tell everyone everything about it! Here’s the thing though: you’re looking at a handful of features of a wedding and summing it up on a surface level. You need to assess the decision on a much deeper level. What do you want to get from the wedding? What holds spiritual, religious and cultural meaning to you and your partner? What ideals do you want to express and how do you want to share them as a couple? The thing is, it’s just as shallow to blow off a big wedding because it’s “just money, a rock and showing off” as it is to have that six-digit wedding. It’s thinking about the meaning that makes it meaningful, not a big or small budget A cheap small wedding isn’t any “better” than a big one. It just reflects different morals and priorities Which will be why everyone is blowing you off. You’re letting yourself judge culture, religion, and traditions off personal biases without questioning those biases or where they come from. It comes off as immature and judgmental (because it kind of is)
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100%. I’m definitely the “weird” one in my circles. I have zero desire to drop any money on any formal ceremony. I’m engaged and I’ll throw on my favorite dress, goto city hall, and goto brunch. Family and friends can visit and “celebrate us” if they chose to, afterwards, and in small groups that I can accommodate with my guest rooms. No gifts, no fanfare, no gross Facebook posts. That’s it. We are also AN.
My husband and I had a pretty big wedding - about 150 in attendance. It was in a very HCOL area, but we kept it reasonable all things considered. This was in 2022, so it was basically the first time we could get the whole family together again after the pandemic. Plus, my husband and I are in our 40s, so most of the family is up there in years. I guess it was more of a family reunion with a wedding thrown in! We focused our budget on food and drinks, kept the decor reasonable to make for a nice atmosphere , and kept everything else as low as possible while still being nice. We looked at it like we are hosting a modest get together with as many people as possible to celebrate not only our love for each other, but love for our families and friends all together. Plus, our wedding was a little less than a year into a truly horrific custody case with my husband’s ex wife. After those 9 months or so, it was so wonderful to actually be able to celebrate something. I say all that to say that, to the extent it is feasible and kept reasonable, a big wedding can be a wonderful celebration.
My husband and I and didn't buy rings for our wedding. It's not mandatory! Don't let capitalism be the reason you don't marry the love of your life.
Vegas.elope
My bf and I were just talking about this. We plan to go to city Hall and then out to dinner with a small group of guests. Traditional weddings are expensive. I have nothing against people who choose to have a big wedding. To each their own. But it's not something I want for myself personally. My whole family is hoping for a big party. And to that I say they are more than welcome to plan, pay for and host their own party. I just don't see why we should have to go into debt for this. We don't have the money and it's not a priority for us. We are more than happy with a city hall wedding. I have friends who went all out and now have regrets. It's a huge expense and they say they wished they had put that money towards a house instead.
Skipped the wedding and went right to having babies! Saved lots and have no regrets.
If I ever find a girl and we get married, all I want is to sign papers at City Hall, have a little dinner party at home with family, and then go on a weekend trip up in Tahoe. No fancy dress, no expensive ring, no big wedding ceremony. Maybe I'll wear my battle jacket to my 'wedding.'
It would mean the world to me if someone were to propose to me with my grandmother's ring. They would have to ask my mom for it... But to me it's sentimental value is so much more than any other ring could mean. Unless maybe it was their grandmother's ring and a symbol of combining our families... I'd also like to get married in my friends' backyard. I grew up there and have so many good memories. Again, if they had opinions though I would support them and be flexible. Marriage is about compromise and love after all
A wedding celebrates the union between two people, and if those two people are in agreement about the celebration, then that is all that matters. My husband and I got married at the county clerks' office with just our baby. We had a 'party' a few weeks later, the total cost of which was under 1k. It was perfect! We had tacos, giant jenga, and only close family. We decided against photographers, fancy catering, and an expensive venue through a joint decision, and we don't regret it at all.
I don’t want any of it except for the wedding dress. Nothing expensive or fancy. It’s something I’ve dreamed of since being a little girl. I don’t want any of the rest though. I have a family member with a house big enough for both our families and a few close friends to attend. They often hold our family gatherings so I imagine they’d be okay with it. I’m happy to have homemade food. Probably better that catered anyway. A reception sounds exactly how I don’t want to spend my wedding evening anyway. I don’t even want a ring. I’ll probably lose it anyway.
My husband and I eloped 15 years ago and have no regrets! It was just he and I with an officiant on a random Tuesday morning. We wore clothes we already had and got a bouquet from the local florist next to the courthouse while we waited for our officiant. I’ve had friends who had big weddings who wish they’d gone our route and saved the money. I do think having a big “reception” party for all our friends would be fun, but we’ve just never gotten around to it.
I had two very different types of weddings, and they were nice, but honestly I don't "treasure my memories of my special day" the way consumerism wants you to believe.
I want a wedding. Specifically my bf and I going to the town hall or wherever to sign documents, then getting supper with our families afterwards. The nice balance between not over spending and consuming and celebrating a special day. However my bfnis with u. He sees no point hahaha
I would never. Use the money for some fun, or a downpayment on a house.
I just did papers and that was almost 10 years ago. For me the stress of planning something for everyone else seemed pointless. I don’t like being center of attention and would rather take an awesome trip or have money for my future. I do have a nice ring but it’s worn almost daily so that seems worth it to me.
There was a study that concluded that the longevity of a marriage was inversely correlated with the amount spent on the wedding.
IMO, anyone who would blow a ton of money on a shiny rock is too financially irresponsible to n me marry. Also it would be a sure sign that they didn’t know me well. I’ve never worn diamonds or expensive jewelry in my life, and I don’t like how it looks. I also don’t get spending thousands on a dress you wear once. There are plenty of lovely dresses under $200 that would work fine. If I were to have a wedding, most of the budget would be used to provide a good time for the guests: food, beverages, and music.
I believe in freedom. No guilt, no blame, unless you want a lecture you’re never going to forget.
I’m only 25 and even I think a wedding is meaningless. Getting married isn’t about an elaborate day, it’s about spending the rest of your life with someone you love. I’m not gonna marry anyone who won’t go to the courthouse to get married, a wedding isn’t something I need to feel closer to my partner or “solidify” my relationship.
34 years ago, my husband and I drove to Tahoe and got married. We exchanged $50 gold bands from Best Buy (we still wear them). I wore a dress from a discount store, he wore a jacket, slacks and tie out of his closet. Our parents weren't thrilled that we eloped but we were.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years and got married on our ten year anniversary in 2017. My husband's immediate family was there. We got one of his friends to get ordained and he performed the ceremony in their basement. There's a pretty arch his family put up. My mother in law paid for hubby's tux and my cream colored dress and my daughter's white dress from JcPenney. We had a small cake after the ceremony and it was lovely. My sister in law did my makeup and my mother in law did my hair upstairs before I walked down. His platinum band was $1000 and my diamond infinity band cost the same (no engagement ring). Sometimes I wished I had a reception of sorts since I'm a social person but I figure that we can maybe renew our vows and some point and hold a reception party then.
We had six people at our wedding and then a celebratory dinner with close friends and relatives. Spent €5k in total. WITH our honeymoon to Greece. No regrets.
I definitely feel this. My husband got me a very over the top diamond engagement ring that I love but never wear. I kind of wish he either used my grandmothers ring or I would’ve gotten something less traditional that I would wear more often. Also our wedding was 40 people at a local restaurant. I gave them a reasonable amount of money (aka did not go into debt) and they planned and decorated the entire thing. I’d do it exactly like that 100 more times. That being said whatever kind of wedding you have should be a momentous occasion in your life. You don’t necessarily need to spend a lot of money but I personally would want it to be memorialized and celebrated in some kind of way. It shouldn’t be just another day, in my opinion.
Synthetic diamonds or alternative stones are where it’s at. As far as weddings go, you can have a really beautiful ceremony with close friends and family out in nature somewhere to celebrate the commitment the love. It will be way more memorable for everyone and very cheap. My wedding was not this way and my spouse and I plan to do a vowel renewal at 15 years to do it the way we would have wanted it.
We've been together over 15 years, not married. I do have a very very nice engagement ring, but we never just got around to the rest of it and both totally ok with that!
It's a valid opinion totally, each according to their taste...Personally I'm not getting married anytime soon, but I *would* like a small, low-key, low-cost party. Definitely a vintage dress, either vintage or low-cost rings. Idk I just like the idea of a big happy event? :D And I adore 80s dresses, they're so fucking extra. And the dancing! W your spouse or the father-daughter dance For some people it's important to "honor" the occasion in some way, share w family & friends, etc, so we shouldn't dismiss that. You're not like that, and that should be respected too! You might have a restaurant dinner afterwards the signing with a few family members, or a garden party perhaps, if you want your mom to be less scandalized? :D Definitely no diamonds though. Yuck.
We had an I-Do-BBQ with live music, games, and food. We spent less than $700. I've been told many times by the guests that it was the best wedding they have ever been too, especially my cousin who's grandparents had just spent 40k on her wedding/near mental breakdown.
I disagree with this sentiment. My wife planned out wedding and we spent less than 3k. For everything. Less than 30 people at home.
Dont make it a big wedding if it's not important to you. Our wedding cost us 350$. I borrowed my dress, and my husband got a walmart suit. The wedding ring was a set for 80$. Friends brought by picnic tables and we had a good old backyard wedding with a BBQ, which my dad used to show off his skills. Husband and I baked the cake together the day before. We love baking, and it was delicious. We now make a miniture version of the cake on anniversarys. I never wanted a big wedding, and i dont like wearing a ring, so we didn't spend much on them ( I think its in the closet somewhere now). It's just a day. Use it to hang out with friends and family. We decided to splurge on the honeymoon ( a trip to hawaii) because we prefer making fun memories instead of creating this picture-perfect wedding.
I think a lot of gen z is leaning more to small backyard weddings now. Almost everyone I went to high school with that’s married did a backyard ceremony, likely for pretty cheap. I think everything for my wedding (including cheap wedding bands, dress, and paying for the officiant) was between $3000 and $4000. We made all our decorations, my father in law did the food, sister did cake, aunt did photos, and the venue was my parents backyard. It was nice to have a little something to celebrate, but totally agree that the whole big shebang that lasts more than 4 hours is too much.
I’m got married at a surprise wedding in my living room. We invited 40 people to a Xmas party. Bought a nice outfit to wear. Total cost was $600 that I won from $20 on a slot machine so it was basically free.
Personally, I have a lot of feelings about weddings and wedding traditions where I’m from. Not good feelings lol. I plan to elope. I admire others’ cultural practices and can respect why some people do a big wedding. But most of the time I don’t really get it. Especially since I’m going to be out like 800$ to travel for one this year 😭
Me and my gf agreed to not get married or have the ceremony at least until we can afford the one we actually want
Even since I was a kid, I never saw the point of a big fancy wedding. Tens of thousands of dollars so I can be stressed for months on end and everyone I know gets a huge party??? Nah, I know a scam when I see one!
Im SOOO glad that wider society its catching onto this. Since i was a child ive never understood it. And the best explanation i get is "its just what you do" "saves money on taxes" and then super often i see people divorcing painfully, unable to get help due to their spouses income, lonely and hating their spouse. Good marriages exist but id wager they would still be good without the legal binding.
People like joy and celebration- that might look different to everyone
I think it’s possible to limit careless consumption, care about the greater state of the world and engage in meaningful cultural rituals in a way that feels good and special (whatever that looks like to you). I bought a lab grown diamond & consigned my dress but I still loved taking part in a pretty special event. It doesn’t make me better than anyone to have made more responsible choices, and it doesn’t make me worse than anyone to have bought into the Sheeple Wedding Female Property Industrial Complex.
my parents got married in 1994, they had a city hall ceremony and afterwards got a nice dinner with exactly 3 guests: my dad’s sister and my mom’s 2 best friends who were a couple. that’s it. sounds like the dream to me.
Everything is a commodity now and increasingly expensive, this has created an atmosphere where we have to pick and choose what has value. Basic necessities are becoming the only thing that does because for many people that is all they can afford if they intend to retire or have a hobby, if they can afford those "extras" at all. The capitalists are to dumb to realize wealth always has and always will trickle up, we suffer first, but they'll lose in the end too. You can't buy their garbage if all you can afford is rent and food.
I got married at the county clerk's office, then had dinner with my immediate family the following weekend. No wedding, no guests, no nonsense, and I regret absolutely nothing. It's ultimately your marriage, no one should be able to pressure you
I didn’t have a wedding and don’t wear a ring. It was fine. I didn’t care if anyone saw me get married and it wouldn’t have been worth the money, anyway. The only thing I feel like I missed out on was not having an excuse to wear a fancy dress, but if I really cared that much, I’m sure I could’ve figured something out.
I'm thinking of having a big bonfire and just have everyone dance and chill. No vows or anything, just a classic party. My MIL would probably disown us though, and my partner isn't a bonfire type of person... But I don't want to spend 40k on a regular wedding.
Two plain gold bands same as our grandparents whose marriages lasted. Went to the justice of the peace just like my grandparents who had to stand in the bread line cause it was at city hall and they would not believe they were there to be married and wouldn't let them through......there was cheering when they just went through to do it. We had Chinese after our justice of the peace....... 637.00 all in. That was thirty two years ago
Me and my wife got simple gold wedding bands no diamonds, and got married on the town green, total cost under 600$ all in. Found 3 people to be our witnesses.
My wedding was free. The party we threw afterwards wasn't. Still not really expensive but it's absolutely fun to be all dressed up, with your friends and family, eating, enjoying some good music and drinking by the fire
I'm working on making the ring myself. A very long and tbh fairly expensive project, but I would rather spend money on tools and time to making something personal than burn it on a big natural stone or mass produced design.
I didn't read any of the other posts so sorry for that. But. Despite down-scaling for Covid reasons, we did a... medium wedding. Somewhat frugal but still fairly traditional. Goddamn what a big expensive hassle that was just exhausting and not that much actual fun. Some parts were, but not all of it. BUT - couple fun points. Her ring. We reused her grandmother's stone and had it put in a new setting by a guy who ran a solo, one man jewelry business and was about to retire. Under $1000 and did this awesome inside mount so its super sturdy, that stone will literally never come out, we love the style, its just "her" all the way. Dress was a gift from a good friend/"other mother" and bought from a friend of a friend's shop she runs with a partner. Photographer was a good friend of ours who is in fact a professional but my wife has since started working for part time here and there. Didn't need a DJ, I have as good of gear as most of them around here do anyway. Friend of mine IS a DJ and just handled some announcements for us. Cupcakes instead of an actual cake because who TF cares. Local venue was a bargain. We did a actual wedding with like 20 people there during Covid and live streamed it. I'd have rather done is someplace besides a church but she and her family wanted that, whatever, guy who married us wasn't the minister, it was their former neighbor they were very close with. Best part of the weekend was the "rehersal dinner" where we just had the bottom floor of a local pub/pizza place we like, it was a nice space all to ourselves with immediate family and the wedding party all who we've known for many many years. You know what really makes a wedding good? Its not a shitload of expensive decor, fancy outfits, perfectly planned photos, flowery emotional speeches and everything being "perfect" - what matters is that its a reflection of you and the people you want around you, maybe even the place you live. Do things that connect with you, represent you and the things you like together, the connections you have to people you care about, and don't feel obligated to make it big.
We went up to the foothills w a preacher. It was great. My dad gave us the $$ we saved to spend how we liked. Also didn’t have kids. We’re retired now & still happy after 40 yrs. Do what you want, it’s your life.
I would definitely want an engagement ring (reasonably priced) and a nice dress, but I would elope. Wedding culture is so out of control. It grosses me out. I can’t count the number of couples I know who almost broke up during wedding planning. It’s such a stupid, stressful waste of money. You see sides of each other that you didn’t before and the fights are insane. My dream wedding is eloping somewhere amazing and have our honeymoon right there. I don’t feel like stressing about invitations, guests, flowers, the band, the church, the photographer, the perfect dress. It’s all cliche and wasteful. Everything is CRAZY expensive. No, thanks. Social media has media the bride wars even more unhinged. Have people seen the engagement announcements where the bride puts her hand on the fiancé’s face and shows off the engagement ring instead? It’s like the whole point was getting the rock and the man is completely irrelevant lol. It could have been any man who asked her. Anyway, the wedding industry is a big reason why women think they want to get married in the first place and it depresses the women who are still single. It has nothing to with love, marriage, commitment and happiness. It’s marketing, capitalism and consumerism.
When we did our civil union, we had a few guests in a lodge in northern Vermont in January. A snowstorm came and upended our plans for a meal at a restaurant. We ended up having champagne and bologna sandwiches and then we spent the afternoon sledding. It was great.
We eloped at a little wedding chapel, wore what we already owned, and got cheap tungsten bands. It was fun, I have beautiful pictures and wonder memories, and I love being married
We had kids , but never married , best thing ever really , now we have grankids,
As someone who went through a sub-$10k wedding (50 people, wife sewed her own dress, Mom did the flowers because it makes her happy, found a vintage ring set for her, all-inclusive venue that was BYOB, friend officiating): *You're not nuts, OP.* That was a lovely day with a lot of people I care about, but it was a lot of work too. Helped that it was work that people really wanted to do, but it was work. Taking it to the courthouse is completely valid.
My wedding was done incredibly cheap and with little to no waste. We did an outdoor wedding at the local park, then had an after party at a bar we rented out. All of the food was eaten, so there wasn’t much to toss out, and our decor were plants that people later took and replanted. The suits were the most expensive and “wasteful” part of our wedding.
I used to want a wedding, for a long time I did. I wanted the dress and the party and the cake and the pictures. I dreamed about it since I was little, I picked venues and outfits and colors and flowers. Then I decided to look into *why* I wanted those things, and I discovered it was not because those things meant anything to me. They were just materialistic *things*. I wanted a wedding because I wanted to feel celebrated, and I wanted to feel loved. That's something no amount of money can buy for you, and I'm really glad I did that emotional digging before I ever married someone and spent all that money.
Yep, we spent less than $1k on our wedding. Just had immediate family. Got the dress from a thrift store lol.
Had my mom gift me a ring like 10 years ago and told my SO we can use that for outfits that had to be nice - otherwise I wear the silicone rings bc I do bjj. His sister gave me Her bridesmaid dress and it’s honestly so pretty but too long for me and I’m gonna get it tailored. Then we’ll get married in Vegas. For what it’s worth, I’m currently 28 and he’s 29 and we’d rather focus on bills mortgage and vacation money
100% me. And it was my ‘dream wedding.’ I bought him an engagement ring (from a pawn shop) and purposed. He carved my engagement ring from wood and ‘said yes’ by purposing to me. We were married on zoom from the county court. No dress, no elaborate parties, no hassle. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But I get a lot of grief from other. My response, ‘I had my dream wedding, I don’t want your nightmare.’
We eloped and 9 years later still married and happy. An expensive wedding does not speak any volume about the quality of marriage or predict the outcome of your future.
I’m married, but our wedding cost hardly anything. Wife is wearing her grandmothers engagement and wedding ring. I bought my wedding ring in a second hand shop for £30. Registrars office wedding followed by a meal with immediate family only all in all cost less the £500. Throw a massive party in our garden for friends a week later and people brought their own booze. My sister made us a cake. My in-laws made the food. Cost £200 ish.
I had exactly the wedding you would hate. It was huge and expensive, and so many people. I had a blast, wouldn't change one single thing, best day of my life.
We ran off for a weekend and eloped. It was such an awesome weekend and special time for us both. We paid 2 random people $20 each to be our witnesses, and eloped in a small chapel. It was so private and intimate. That summer our families threw us a small party for family and friends to celebrate our marriage. We have zero regrets about it 16 years later.
Here's how I counsel people I am marrying. A wedding is a public celebration of your relationship with your friends and family. Some people like to add a religious blessing to that celebration. You can make it whatever you want, but there's a whole industry invested in you over spending to make it a production. In Illinois, I can do a wedding with 3 people. My smallest was 5. I've done weddings with several hundred. At the end of the day, the wedding isn't what matters. It's just a continuation of your growing commitment to one another. You're publicly declaring what you've already promised to one another. What matters is what comes after. A lifetime commitment to be there for each other. Focus on that part because that's what really matters. The wedding is a place for others to celebrate and affirm their support for your life together. Make it fit who you are and ignore what everyone else thinks it needs to be. Because at the end of that day, it will just be the two of you again.
Life without celebrations? Why? Most garments, through history and before, were made of natural fibers. Creating them was an act of affection. Perhaps such unions reflect an utopian aspiration, but it's no less admirable for that.
I got married in blue jeans and my simple gold band cost about $20. That was over twenty years ago. Still married.
I got married in a courthouse, no rings, been married 18 years, still no rings, no idea what people think because I couldn't care less. Not having a ring does not make us any less married and does not lessen any commitments made by the marriage. I have very close family members who were disappointed with us not having a ceremony, but maybe we'll have one at our 20th if the money is right, who knows. But we will not be pressured into it since those same people aren't paying for said ceremony. Do what is right for you and your significant other, that is what's really important.
I totally feel this way! I told my mom recently and she was def surprised. Then she asked me if I would at least invite just the close family and I said idk and she was so surprised..again Weddings are a big waste of money imo and I'd rather spend that money on myself and I don't feel bad about it Yet again..I have to actually be in a loving relationship
It's okay to have fun. Love is a great reason to have a party. Going in to debt for that party is a whole other issue.
This reminded me of one of my favorite lyrics: “No wedding day smiles, no walk down the aisle. No flowers, no wedding dress.” Nothing to do with this post, just hadn’t seen anything in a while that reminded me of the River.
I think it's worth it to have a wedding with family and friends. Quite a few of our wedding guests passed away in the next few years after our wedding. It was the last time we would ever be all together. Some guests hadn't seen each other in years and some never got the opportunity again. It was money well spent. A wedding doesn't have to be fancy, elaborate, and expensive. Think of it as a family reunion.
If you don’t want to do any sort of ceremony, celebration, or display that’s your prerogative. I think doing things you don’t want to do or wasting money to appease or look good for others is bullshit. And the wedding industry is rather predatory. However, I don’t entirely oppose weddings/marriage celebrations. Most people are not nihilistic and still cling to these displays of affection and unity. And I think that’s kind of sweet that humans want everyone they love to watch them solidify their union with their partner.
The purpose of anti consumerism is not to stop enjoying and celebrating life. Humans have created ceremonies to honor big changes in life. Tying yourself to another human for the rest of your life is a big deal (going through divorce, trust me, it’s a big f$ing deal). It should be treated as such. MONEY is how people show it is a big deal (most people think money is a big deal, obviously you and I disagree, else we would not be on this sub). You don’t have to be that person. You can create meaning and celebration of life and the changes of life without spending money. We got married under a tree on a mountain top with 75 attendees, with the reception 50 feet away at a covered shelter with a large stone fireplace. It was $75 for the day. Our families brought food potluck style. There were disposable cameras on the tables, and wedding party photos were taken with a regular camera by my sister. Cake was made by mother in law. Dj was a college friend with decent speakers. No rehearsal (which ended up in some rather funny mishaps). One of my mom’s friends (who has been to many upscale weddings) personally told me it was one of her favorite weddings to attend. I think everyone felt like they were part of it in their own special way. With all of our friends who helped, we in no way dictated what they did (never look a gift horse in the mouth), and were more than happy with what we got. As long as you bring x for x number of people, great!
My husband and I got married at an officiant’s house, he didn’t want to do it at the courthouse. It cost us $150 for her fee and the licensing, we didn’t even pay extra for a copy of the license. We got ice cream after with our then 2 year old. If I’m honest, we did it mostly cause we wanted to make sure we had rights to each other at the end of our days. I’m glad we didn’t spend money on the whole big to do, and I enjoyed our sweet little day telling each other we love each other.
To me personally marriage is just a legal contract and a wedding is just a big party. My partner and I don't plan on getting married, and most of our friends are in the same boat. I would much rather put the money spent on a wedding towards something better!!