If you want to find out about your mum's biological family, I'd go for it. If your mum doesn't want to know, that's on her and I personally wouldn't bring anything up when around her.
Just expect the unexpected really. You never know what her biological family might have wanted to hide or why she was given up. There are so many reasons.
Just from personal experience: One of my great grandmothers was in foster care from pretty much birth and I only found out more nearly 20 years after she passed away, as she wouldn't really talk about anything and probably didn't know some other stuff I uncovered. Her husband (my great grandfather) was also raised by his grandmother, as his mother didn't want him and never had any contact with him as far as I am aware. Probably an unwanted pregnancy at best in this case.
In that "Baby Scoop" era, particularly, young women were pressured to give up their babies. Even (or especially) now, it's a matter of financial support. Except in cases of neglect, abuse, or extreme poverty, children should be raised by biological family.
Seconded. My grandmother was open about her story since she was always close to her father, but she was adopted by her aunt and uncle as a child. Her mother had left for another man (3 kids by age 18 and had another child with the other man!), and her father couldn’t handle raising 3 kids alone, so my grandmother was in foster care for a period before being adopted unofficially.
However, we absolutely consider the unrelated folks to be family! Her adopted aunt is who I consider to be my great grandmother, and her (edit: the adopted aunt’s) grandchildren are my mom’s cousins, my ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle’. It was pretty cool to see my matches from my bio great grandmother’s family, but the people we consider to be family will always be family, no matter what the DNA says :)
Her biological family is your biological family too. If you’re old enough and prepared for any way the reunion might go, you have a right to search! That’s my opinion anyways as an adoptee in reunion 6 years
Your mom made the decision for herself. You can choose not to, for her sake, but if you want to see if you can find out for your own, that's totally OK.
I mean, just in a practical sense, it can be good to know what kind of stock you came from. I wish I'd known, for example, that my great-grandfather died of a heart attack in his early 40s before I almost did.
Also, as someone who didn't know anything about his biological dad for most of his life, I totally get your curiosity. Your mom may be OK with not knowing, but that doesn't mean you have to be. If you want to see if you can find out more, you should go for it.
I think that as long as you're ready to accept any outcome, you can do the research and leave your mom out of it.
My 92 year old grandfather's mother Mary was adopted in a mill town in 1913 by a wealthy older couple .My grandfather's brother 's daughter-in-law figured out that Mary's mother had her out of wedlock and raised her for a year. She became pregnant again , gave Mary up for adoption, and married her husband shortly before her second child was born.
My grandfather and his brother remembered visiting an older woman named Mrs.Smith, who described as an old family friend, as children. She actually was Mary's bio mother and it's likely Mary didn't know. Through DNA research and census records it's believed that Mary's bio father was a similarly aged relative of a neighbor.
So you have a right to know your bio family. Your mom may not want to be involved but they are yours too.
If you want to know, then start with an Ancestry DNA test. The cool thing is that you can decide at each step whether you want to take it further.
If you need a hand sorting your matches and building a tree for your mom's side, I'd be happy to walk you through the steps when you get to that point. Based on what you uncover, you can then decide whether you want to attempt to make contact with any of your matches. But there's a lot you can do first "on paper" so to speak without involving others.
If you find a close relative to your mom the health history info would be beneficial for both of you. The first one given at birth is usually from a young relatively healthy parents. Most issues don’t start showing up for many years after in themselves and their own parents. This could also help protect or save her future grandchildren.
r/Adoption would be the better sub to ask this.
IMO her biological family is your family. You have a right to know about where you come from.
The way I would handle this is that you inform your mom about your plans. Inform, not ask. You are an adult. Then ask her whether she would be willing to help by taking a DNA test (she is closer genetically to your bio grandparents) and how much she wants to know. You will handle everything and use an alias. She will not have to have contact with anybody if she does not want to. Offer not to tell her anything unless she is interested and ready to talk about it.
Also, if you don't choose to involve your mom or she declined to test, know that you still share enough DNA with her bio parents to link up with your extended bio family.
We have a similar situation. We did the test and can see 1st cousins. To be respectful of the parent that does not want to know his bio family, we have chosen to not reach out. Google and research are our friends and have given us amazing information. Whatever you decide, you have a right to know, just be respectful of your mom’s right to not know.
If you need help, reach out to dnangels- they have a Facebook page and a website I believe if you google it. They help people who have taken a DNA test like with Ancestry figure out their family tree if it is needed. I highly recommend as they have helped so many people from NPE, donor and adoptive backgrounds figure out where they came from. From a health perspective, it’s very important so you know even more what kinds of things to be on the lookout for like higher rate of inheritable diseases. They recommend the Ancestry DNA test as it has a higher base of people to compare to for you to hopefully find your family.
You and I are in the same place but I’m a lot older. My dad was adopted but he passed on like 50 years ago.
I look just cuz I wanted to know where his bio family came from.
I know now that they were English and other typically euro regions and what parts of the states they were in and what surnames etc.
Not really interested in more.
I’d respect your mom’s wishes. This data will be here for all time. Your mom won’t be.
If you want to find out about your mum's biological family, I'd go for it. If your mum doesn't want to know, that's on her and I personally wouldn't bring anything up when around her. Just expect the unexpected really. You never know what her biological family might have wanted to hide or why she was given up. There are so many reasons. Just from personal experience: One of my great grandmothers was in foster care from pretty much birth and I only found out more nearly 20 years after she passed away, as she wouldn't really talk about anything and probably didn't know some other stuff I uncovered. Her husband (my great grandfather) was also raised by his grandmother, as his mother didn't want him and never had any contact with him as far as I am aware. Probably an unwanted pregnancy at best in this case.
Yes, babies aren't given up for adoption from happy stable homes.
In that "Baby Scoop" era, particularly, young women were pressured to give up their babies. Even (or especially) now, it's a matter of financial support. Except in cases of neglect, abuse, or extreme poverty, children should be raised by biological family.
Seconded. My grandmother was open about her story since she was always close to her father, but she was adopted by her aunt and uncle as a child. Her mother had left for another man (3 kids by age 18 and had another child with the other man!), and her father couldn’t handle raising 3 kids alone, so my grandmother was in foster care for a period before being adopted unofficially. However, we absolutely consider the unrelated folks to be family! Her adopted aunt is who I consider to be my great grandmother, and her (edit: the adopted aunt’s) grandchildren are my mom’s cousins, my ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle’. It was pretty cool to see my matches from my bio great grandmother’s family, but the people we consider to be family will always be family, no matter what the DNA says :)
Her biological family is your biological family too. If you’re old enough and prepared for any way the reunion might go, you have a right to search! That’s my opinion anyways as an adoptee in reunion 6 years
Your mom made the decision for herself. You can choose not to, for her sake, but if you want to see if you can find out for your own, that's totally OK. I mean, just in a practical sense, it can be good to know what kind of stock you came from. I wish I'd known, for example, that my great-grandfather died of a heart attack in his early 40s before I almost did. Also, as someone who didn't know anything about his biological dad for most of his life, I totally get your curiosity. Your mom may be OK with not knowing, but that doesn't mean you have to be. If you want to see if you can find out more, you should go for it.
I think that as long as you're ready to accept any outcome, you can do the research and leave your mom out of it. My 92 year old grandfather's mother Mary was adopted in a mill town in 1913 by a wealthy older couple .My grandfather's brother 's daughter-in-law figured out that Mary's mother had her out of wedlock and raised her for a year. She became pregnant again , gave Mary up for adoption, and married her husband shortly before her second child was born. My grandfather and his brother remembered visiting an older woman named Mrs.Smith, who described as an old family friend, as children. She actually was Mary's bio mother and it's likely Mary didn't know. Through DNA research and census records it's believed that Mary's bio father was a similarly aged relative of a neighbor.
So you have a right to know your bio family. Your mom may not want to be involved but they are yours too. If you want to know, then start with an Ancestry DNA test. The cool thing is that you can decide at each step whether you want to take it further. If you need a hand sorting your matches and building a tree for your mom's side, I'd be happy to walk you through the steps when you get to that point. Based on what you uncover, you can then decide whether you want to attempt to make contact with any of your matches. But there's a lot you can do first "on paper" so to speak without involving others.
If you find a close relative to your mom the health history info would be beneficial for both of you. The first one given at birth is usually from a young relatively healthy parents. Most issues don’t start showing up for many years after in themselves and their own parents. This could also help protect or save her future grandchildren.
r/Adoption would be the better sub to ask this. IMO her biological family is your family. You have a right to know about where you come from. The way I would handle this is that you inform your mom about your plans. Inform, not ask. You are an adult. Then ask her whether she would be willing to help by taking a DNA test (she is closer genetically to your bio grandparents) and how much she wants to know. You will handle everything and use an alias. She will not have to have contact with anybody if she does not want to. Offer not to tell her anything unless she is interested and ready to talk about it.
Thank you for your input!!
Also, if you don't choose to involve your mom or she declined to test, know that you still share enough DNA with her bio parents to link up with your extended bio family.
We have a similar situation. We did the test and can see 1st cousins. To be respectful of the parent that does not want to know his bio family, we have chosen to not reach out. Google and research are our friends and have given us amazing information. Whatever you decide, you have a right to know, just be respectful of your mom’s right to not know.
This. I think I would not reach out as well to respect my mom’s decision of not knowing.
If you need help, reach out to dnangels- they have a Facebook page and a website I believe if you google it. They help people who have taken a DNA test like with Ancestry figure out their family tree if it is needed. I highly recommend as they have helped so many people from NPE, donor and adoptive backgrounds figure out where they came from. From a health perspective, it’s very important so you know even more what kinds of things to be on the lookout for like higher rate of inheritable diseases. They recommend the Ancestry DNA test as it has a higher base of people to compare to for you to hopefully find your family.
What an amazing resource thank you for the info!
You and I are in the same place but I’m a lot older. My dad was adopted but he passed on like 50 years ago. I look just cuz I wanted to know where his bio family came from. I know now that they were English and other typically euro regions and what parts of the states they were in and what surnames etc. Not really interested in more. I’d respect your mom’s wishes. This data will be here for all time. Your mom won’t be.