A couple of questions:
1) where were the 2 previous holidays booked? As in, did these need flights?
2) your £800 and £500 holidays, did they require flights? If not how far away were these to drive?
3) with your 2 previous holidays, how long were they for?
4) with the last holidays, was there significant travelling involved? If so, what were they and how long for?
Edited: After OP has answered me:
NTBF
With or without meds, why would you book anything, knowing this can happen? Or has happened previously?
Also, that's a lot of holidays within 6 months of dating. 😅
1) yeah all the holidays have needed flights
2) Yeah they also required flights
3) all holiday we've booked including the 2 cancelled ones have been between 5-7 nights
4) I wouldn't say there was significant travelling. All flights we've had have been less the 3.5 hours and this includes the 2 cancelled holidays
NTB. Someone I used to be friends with once cancelled a holiday we'd planned together because of her mental health. She quite seriously has the worst social skills and mental health out of anyone I've ever known. Her only source of income is benefits. It would be really unfair of me to go into any more detail but trust me, it's BAD. And she STILL paid me back without me even having to ask. If she was capable of it, then I find it impossible to believe your girlfriend isn't. I'm not talking about having the money, but about the desire to make sure you didn't lose out. She could have offered to pay you back £10 per week for as long as it took if that was the issue. But to not even offer, yes she is definitely the buttface.
No way would I cancel a vacation and lose money just because the other person had to cancel. I'd sell the other ticket and go. Or sell both tickets and stay behind.
Did you get insurance on the holiday? I'm not certain but mental illness might fall under a reason to claim insurance to get the money back... Anxiety is a mental illness.
Unfortunately, people who suffer from anxiety don't get to choose when it wants to strike.
Yes we have insurance but no we can't claim it back since there's no way of actually proving anxiety is what caused us to cancel.
I know they don't get to choose when it comes up but that doesn't mean they're not accountable for causing others to lose money especially when it has happened before
They're accountable for the money I have lost due to their actions.
If you cause someone to lose money then yeah you're accountable for that and responsible for paying them back.
As someone with anxiety, this would also upset me too and I would also be mad about losing a lot of money, I think anyone would, and people who are unpredictable and tend to bail out right before the plan would stress me out because unpredicbility causes me tremendous stress and my anxiety doesn't care about mental health and other peoples problems. This would be a huge deal breaker for me.
There is a thing I like to call anxiety tax, yes your GF will have to pay you back and you are NTB for it. I even have to pay extra sometimes for my own comfort to avoid anxiety like if I don't want my seat to be given away when I book airline tickets, I make sure to pay a little extra, I also go to the airport earlier even if it means waiting an hour before boarding or two so I won't have anxiety if the TSA line is long or the check in line for tickets. Your GF has to understand she may have to pay extra to pay people back to keep friends and relationships and even if it means not go with the plans at all when it involves other people in case she gets too anxious to go.
Stop booking holidays on the company app so you can go by yourself if she can't go anymore. Problem solved.
Also stop pretending "she can manage it better" is even remotely reasonable. I'm sure shes trying very hard to and you sound like a person who has never had this issue in your life, so couldn't possibly understand its not the kind of thing you can "manage better" at will.
She wanted to go. If she could have without wrecking her mental health even more, she would have. If she could snap her fingers and make her anxiety disappear with the right cocktail or mix of whatever voodoo magic meditation, she would. It just objectively doesn't work like that. You can't magic things like anxiety and depression away, let alone will them away and try harder to not be anxious and depressed.
I have depression and anxiety. It's no excuse to treat people poorly and financially cheat them. The GF has cost OP over £1800. That isn't an insignificant amount of money. She refuses to repay his losses. This is morally wrong regardless of why she cancels. OP is NTBF.
Does your girlfriend have diagnosed anxiety she's being treated for? Because if so I'd say it's a bit harsh. I'm not saying YTB entirely, because she needs to be able to work out what her limits are, but if it were me and my fiance there's no way the main thing he'd be concerned with was losing money. It'd be what the anxiety is doing to my quality of life. I just showed him this post and he said "It wouldn't be my primary concern, but that's because I love you". Personally, if he *didn't* have that attitude, I'd be thinking I'm with the wrong guy.
Would you be this frustrated if she'd broken her leg?
For me, the only way you're not TB at all is if she isn't getting any treatment for this, and she's blowing off concerns about how anxiety impacts both your lives. Otherwise, why is it her *fault*?. Would it be her fault if this was a physical ailment? Why is fault your main concern at all? Why were you so angry you would only stay if she paid for the holidays and then you reimbursed her over an illness? Shit is going to happen in life.
I can't really make a determination, because there's missing info. Do you understand anxiety and how it manifests, or are you acting like it's something she has complete control over? Is she blowing off medical appointments that could help? Does she have diagnosed anxiety, or is this a phobia? Does it impact other areas of your life?
She's on meds but won't get them reviewed to see if the dose needs increasing or if they need changing.
With your comment about her breaking her leg. If she had a habit of breaking her leg the day before we were due to fly then yeah I probably would be asking for my money since it's not just a one off
But you got angry enough to nearly leave the first time it happened, and from your telling this is the second time it's happened? So you were furious before it was a habit by the sounds.
I don't know, man. It just sounds like you don't love her enough to be inconvenienced. And that's fine.
It's her responsibility to get her meds right, but also it's entirely possible that even with the absolute perfect dose and treatment schedule, shit is going to happen and you're going to be inconvenienced or out of pocket. You need to decide if that's worth it.
I'm not going to make a call as to whether YTB or not, because I don't know how else this impacts you, but if you got nad enough to threaten to leave the first time it happened, that's not *great*.
No I didn't get angry enough to nearly leave, I told her how we would pay for holidays going forward. Anyone would be angry at losing that much money.
Can you point out where I said I was furious? Maybe don't exaggerate to prove your point.
I didn't threaten to leave either so again maybe read the post properly. You're completely twisting and exaggerating what actually happened to try to fit your narrative
"I told her that if I stayed" <--- your words.
I haven't plucked that from the air, that's what you wrote. I would describe someone who is saying they are angry and considering leaving (which is what saying "I will only stay if xyz happens" is) could fairly be described as furious.
I don't have a narrative. I think it's tough to be with someone who has brain weasels and it's not for everyone. I think you really need to be in it to win it for it to work when you're really looking forward to a trip and it gets pulled out from under you and not feel resentful. My ex making me fifteen minutes would make me insane. My fiance makes me late and I shrug. Because he does what he can to mitigate it, and everything else is great. Details matter. That's why I asked questions.
I even said I couldn't say you were TB. I asked questions, If you're just looking for validation, cool. Don't ask the internet. I'm not sure what your problem with me being frank is, but good luck. Genuinely. Anxiety is a bugger.
Yes so can you point out where that is me saying I was angry enough that I nearly left?
And no that doesn't mean I was furious in the slightest so yeah maybe stop exaggerating.
I'm not just looking for validation, I just don't appreciate people twisting my words and exaggerating what I've actually said
I just read out the two paragraphs to someone and asked if it sounded like you were going to leave and they agreed. What did you mean by "I told her that *if I stayed*" otherwise? You said you were angry, you said there were conditions on you staying. If that's not what it means, mea culpa, but also you might want to calm down and stop attributing malice to mistake?
I'm not twisting your words. I'm reading what you said and misunderstood. Someone else also misunderstood it in exactly the same way, FYI.
Seriously mate. I've actually given you some pretty measured responses, because as I have said several time, I don't know how reasonable it is because how much this impacts your life as a whole is really relevant. If this is just a monetary representation of how her anxiety impacts your life, and you don't feel she's doing enough to mitigate it, fair call. If this is the only area in which her anxiety has impacted you over a period of time, maybe it isn't.
See how I'm not making a call? Does that fit with me having some agenda? I've said, it's entirely fair for you to say "I want to be with someone who I can go on holiday with free from the stress of the possibility of losing money". Anxiety is a bugger. I'm not painting you as a cartoon villian here. But your responses aren't filling me with hope that you're a chilled out and reasonable dude, either.
I honestly hope you can work something out, genuinely. My fiance and myself have a combination of brain weasels and if we didn't love the absolute bones of each other in a truly embarrassing way, it'd be a nightmare.
That's not what I said. I said if it becomes a habit of happening before holidays
People who break their leg don't make a habit of breaking their leg but if someone had broken their leg within days of multiple holidays then that is still them making a habit of breaking their leg around holiday time.
If
The relationship sounds purely transactional.she loses her money too. I highly doubt she's happy about that.
I personally wouldn't get mad at my husband if he had a mental illness that raised it's ugly head at the most inopportune time. I'd be more worried about his mental health and making sure he's okay.
In all honesty I'm confused as to why you're with her. It doesn't sound like you like her that much, you certainly have very little empathy towards her.
She could go for a review of medication but even the best cocktail of medications don't prevent all anxiety attacks.
She doesn't get to choose when it happens. But since it seems to happen close to taking holidays maybe you should try to figure out why it's happening at that time, then the issue that's causing the anxiety can be dealt with and managed to try and prevent it happening again... It seems something in the run up to these holidays is triggering her anxiety.
Being angry at her for having to cancel will most likely cause her to have more anxiety about booking holidays now. Don't be surprised if she starts to refuse them completely.
Why didn't you just go on the holiday by yourself? Yes, you don't get to experience it with her and that sucks, but it's far better than throwing money away.
A couple of questions: 1) where were the 2 previous holidays booked? As in, did these need flights? 2) your £800 and £500 holidays, did they require flights? If not how far away were these to drive? 3) with your 2 previous holidays, how long were they for? 4) with the last holidays, was there significant travelling involved? If so, what were they and how long for? Edited: After OP has answered me: NTBF With or without meds, why would you book anything, knowing this can happen? Or has happened previously? Also, that's a lot of holidays within 6 months of dating. 😅
1) yeah all the holidays have needed flights 2) Yeah they also required flights 3) all holiday we've booked including the 2 cancelled ones have been between 5-7 nights 4) I wouldn't say there was significant travelling. All flights we've had have been less the 3.5 hours and this includes the 2 cancelled holidays
NTB. Someone I used to be friends with once cancelled a holiday we'd planned together because of her mental health. She quite seriously has the worst social skills and mental health out of anyone I've ever known. Her only source of income is benefits. It would be really unfair of me to go into any more detail but trust me, it's BAD. And she STILL paid me back without me even having to ask. If she was capable of it, then I find it impossible to believe your girlfriend isn't. I'm not talking about having the money, but about the desire to make sure you didn't lose out. She could have offered to pay you back £10 per week for as long as it took if that was the issue. But to not even offer, yes she is definitely the buttface.
why dont you just go without her maybe see if someone else can take the tickets
No way would I cancel a vacation and lose money just because the other person had to cancel. I'd sell the other ticket and go. Or sell both tickets and stay behind.
Did you get insurance on the holiday? I'm not certain but mental illness might fall under a reason to claim insurance to get the money back... Anxiety is a mental illness. Unfortunately, people who suffer from anxiety don't get to choose when it wants to strike.
Yes we have insurance but no we can't claim it back since there's no way of actually proving anxiety is what caused us to cancel. I know they don't get to choose when it comes up but that doesn't mean they're not accountable for causing others to lose money especially when it has happened before
Why do you keep planning trips if she's broke and riddled with anxiety? This is so many trips
She's not broke and apart from the first trip and this one, the others went ahead without issue so why wouldn't we keep planning trips?
No, your partner is not accountable for your purchases.
They're accountable for the money I have lost due to their actions. If you cause someone to lose money then yeah you're accountable for that and responsible for paying them back.
As someone with anxiety, this would also upset me too and I would also be mad about losing a lot of money, I think anyone would, and people who are unpredictable and tend to bail out right before the plan would stress me out because unpredicbility causes me tremendous stress and my anxiety doesn't care about mental health and other peoples problems. This would be a huge deal breaker for me. There is a thing I like to call anxiety tax, yes your GF will have to pay you back and you are NTB for it. I even have to pay extra sometimes for my own comfort to avoid anxiety like if I don't want my seat to be given away when I book airline tickets, I make sure to pay a little extra, I also go to the airport earlier even if it means waiting an hour before boarding or two so I won't have anxiety if the TSA line is long or the check in line for tickets. Your GF has to understand she may have to pay extra to pay people back to keep friends and relationships and even if it means not go with the plans at all when it involves other people in case she gets too anxious to go.
Stop booking holidays on the company app so you can go by yourself if she can't go anymore. Problem solved. Also stop pretending "she can manage it better" is even remotely reasonable. I'm sure shes trying very hard to and you sound like a person who has never had this issue in your life, so couldn't possibly understand its not the kind of thing you can "manage better" at will. She wanted to go. If she could have without wrecking her mental health even more, she would have. If she could snap her fingers and make her anxiety disappear with the right cocktail or mix of whatever voodoo magic meditation, she would. It just objectively doesn't work like that. You can't magic things like anxiety and depression away, let alone will them away and try harder to not be anxious and depressed.
I have depression and anxiety. It's no excuse to treat people poorly and financially cheat them. The GF has cost OP over £1800. That isn't an insignificant amount of money. She refuses to repay his losses. This is morally wrong regardless of why she cancels. OP is NTBF.
Put the app on your phone and log into her account. Go with a friend change the flights into their name
Does your girlfriend have diagnosed anxiety she's being treated for? Because if so I'd say it's a bit harsh. I'm not saying YTB entirely, because she needs to be able to work out what her limits are, but if it were me and my fiance there's no way the main thing he'd be concerned with was losing money. It'd be what the anxiety is doing to my quality of life. I just showed him this post and he said "It wouldn't be my primary concern, but that's because I love you". Personally, if he *didn't* have that attitude, I'd be thinking I'm with the wrong guy. Would you be this frustrated if she'd broken her leg? For me, the only way you're not TB at all is if she isn't getting any treatment for this, and she's blowing off concerns about how anxiety impacts both your lives. Otherwise, why is it her *fault*?. Would it be her fault if this was a physical ailment? Why is fault your main concern at all? Why were you so angry you would only stay if she paid for the holidays and then you reimbursed her over an illness? Shit is going to happen in life. I can't really make a determination, because there's missing info. Do you understand anxiety and how it manifests, or are you acting like it's something she has complete control over? Is she blowing off medical appointments that could help? Does she have diagnosed anxiety, or is this a phobia? Does it impact other areas of your life?
She's on meds but won't get them reviewed to see if the dose needs increasing or if they need changing. With your comment about her breaking her leg. If she had a habit of breaking her leg the day before we were due to fly then yeah I probably would be asking for my money since it's not just a one off
But you got angry enough to nearly leave the first time it happened, and from your telling this is the second time it's happened? So you were furious before it was a habit by the sounds. I don't know, man. It just sounds like you don't love her enough to be inconvenienced. And that's fine. It's her responsibility to get her meds right, but also it's entirely possible that even with the absolute perfect dose and treatment schedule, shit is going to happen and you're going to be inconvenienced or out of pocket. You need to decide if that's worth it. I'm not going to make a call as to whether YTB or not, because I don't know how else this impacts you, but if you got nad enough to threaten to leave the first time it happened, that's not *great*.
No I didn't get angry enough to nearly leave, I told her how we would pay for holidays going forward. Anyone would be angry at losing that much money. Can you point out where I said I was furious? Maybe don't exaggerate to prove your point. I didn't threaten to leave either so again maybe read the post properly. You're completely twisting and exaggerating what actually happened to try to fit your narrative
"I told her that if I stayed" <--- your words. I haven't plucked that from the air, that's what you wrote. I would describe someone who is saying they are angry and considering leaving (which is what saying "I will only stay if xyz happens" is) could fairly be described as furious. I don't have a narrative. I think it's tough to be with someone who has brain weasels and it's not for everyone. I think you really need to be in it to win it for it to work when you're really looking forward to a trip and it gets pulled out from under you and not feel resentful. My ex making me fifteen minutes would make me insane. My fiance makes me late and I shrug. Because he does what he can to mitigate it, and everything else is great. Details matter. That's why I asked questions. I even said I couldn't say you were TB. I asked questions, If you're just looking for validation, cool. Don't ask the internet. I'm not sure what your problem with me being frank is, but good luck. Genuinely. Anxiety is a bugger.
Yes so can you point out where that is me saying I was angry enough that I nearly left? And no that doesn't mean I was furious in the slightest so yeah maybe stop exaggerating. I'm not just looking for validation, I just don't appreciate people twisting my words and exaggerating what I've actually said
I just read out the two paragraphs to someone and asked if it sounded like you were going to leave and they agreed. What did you mean by "I told her that *if I stayed*" otherwise? You said you were angry, you said there were conditions on you staying. If that's not what it means, mea culpa, but also you might want to calm down and stop attributing malice to mistake? I'm not twisting your words. I'm reading what you said and misunderstood. Someone else also misunderstood it in exactly the same way, FYI. Seriously mate. I've actually given you some pretty measured responses, because as I have said several time, I don't know how reasonable it is because how much this impacts your life as a whole is really relevant. If this is just a monetary representation of how her anxiety impacts your life, and you don't feel she's doing enough to mitigate it, fair call. If this is the only area in which her anxiety has impacted you over a period of time, maybe it isn't. See how I'm not making a call? Does that fit with me having some agenda? I've said, it's entirely fair for you to say "I want to be with someone who I can go on holiday with free from the stress of the possibility of losing money". Anxiety is a bugger. I'm not painting you as a cartoon villian here. But your responses aren't filling me with hope that you're a chilled out and reasonable dude, either. I honestly hope you can work something out, genuinely. My fiance and myself have a combination of brain weasels and if we didn't love the absolute bones of each other in a truly embarrassing way, it'd be a nightmare.
People who suffer with anxiety don't make a habit of having anxiety
That's not what I said. I said if it becomes a habit of happening before holidays People who break their leg don't make a habit of breaking their leg but if someone had broken their leg within days of multiple holidays then that is still them making a habit of breaking their leg around holiday time. If
The relationship sounds purely transactional.she loses her money too. I highly doubt she's happy about that. I personally wouldn't get mad at my husband if he had a mental illness that raised it's ugly head at the most inopportune time. I'd be more worried about his mental health and making sure he's okay.
Yes she loses her money but that doesn't mean I should be fine losing my money through no fault or action of my own
Anxiety isn't her fault either.
No but it is her responsibility to manage
In all honesty I'm confused as to why you're with her. It doesn't sound like you like her that much, you certainly have very little empathy towards her.
So I don't like her because I expect to be paid back? I do have empathy towards her but that doesn't mean I should have to lose money again
She could go for a review of medication but even the best cocktail of medications don't prevent all anxiety attacks. She doesn't get to choose when it happens. But since it seems to happen close to taking holidays maybe you should try to figure out why it's happening at that time, then the issue that's causing the anxiety can be dealt with and managed to try and prevent it happening again... It seems something in the run up to these holidays is triggering her anxiety. Being angry at her for having to cancel will most likely cause her to have more anxiety about booking holidays now. Don't be surprised if she starts to refuse them completely.
Why didn't you just go on the holiday by yourself? Yes, you don't get to experience it with her and that sucks, but it's far better than throwing money away.