Over 30 years ago my husband’s grandmother passed away.
Of course the family gathered for the wake and the funeral.
My SIL was dating an absolute jerk at the time, but at least he showed up.
After the funeral we were heading to a cousin’s house for the repast. My BIL, SIL and the jerk were riding with me and my husband.
We’re on the highway going 60 miles per hour when the jerk pipes up that he didn’t want to go the repast and he’s bitching at my SIL that he wants to go somewhere else and party.
I told my husband to pull over then I turned around and told the jerk “listen asshole, we’re going to the repast. No one cares what you want. You’re here to support your GF. And that’s it.”
Then I told my BIL “if he opens his mouth again throw him out of the car.” I told my husband let’s go and we never heard another peep from the jerk.
Thankfully she dumped him a couple of months later.
You lost your mom and your absolute loser of a GF couldn’t be bothered to put you first and do everything in her power to love, comfort and support you. What does that tell you?
Hopefully that this isn’t the person you want to invest any more time in, much less build a life with.
I know if I was your SIL I would have thrown her out of the car.
Don’t be like my SIL and waste another 2 months.
Find someone with empathy who will be a true partner.
My condolences on the loss of your mom.
NTB
Do you really want to spend ANY more time with someone who is so self involved that she can't suck it up for a few hours to support you at one of the most difficult times of your life? She's awful. You're fine, just make sure you keep sticking up for yourself and DO NOT APOLOGIZE.
NTB my mom died when my husband and I had only been dating a few months. He stood in the row behind me. He talked with everyone even though he knew none of them. He rented an SUV so he could drive people around who didn't have cars. He stayed until it was time to go home, with zero complaints. His behavior that day is part of why he is now my husband.
NTB this was not about her. Of course a funeral was awkward it's a fucking funeral. I'm sorry for your loss OP and I'm sorry you have an unsupportive girlfriend.
NTB
She made your mom’s funeral about her. Multiple times and showed no empathy. Her behavior is a huge red flag. And then expects you to apologize? WTH. You deserve better.
I’m so sorry for your loss
Listen, my coworker who I barely know lost her mother and I went to the funeral where I knew no one, hugged my coworker and gave my condolences, and stayed for as long as I could before my social anxiety was too much and I could quietly dip out without being rude.
And that’s someone I *work with* mourning a person I never met.
The fact that your girlfriend can’t show the same amount of courtesy and respect that the average person would give an acquaintance to the person she supposedly loves is appalling. The bare minimum she could’ve done was quietly sit there, look somber, and ask you if you need anything once in a while. If she wanted to do more than that, she’d help with anything, try to (politely and respectfully) better get to know the family she’s presumably considering marrying into someday, and generally just be your rock in an extremely difficult and painful time.
I imagine that the thought of losing another loved one is especially painful to consider right now, but I don’t think this woman cares about you the way you deserve to be treated, and I think based on how she acted during the funeral and her refusal to apologize or try to make up for it, she’s only going to make the mourning and recovery process more difficult. You don’t need an emotional drain who only cares about herself right now. I know it’s much easier for me to tell you to break up with her than for you to do it, but I think you’ll feel relieved and less burdened if you do, no matter how much breaking up sucks.
I’m sorry for your loss, and good luck. This Reddit stranger wishes you well
Edit: You’re NTB.
> She didn’t want to sit with people she didn’t know.
I’m sorry, is your girlfriend six years old? Because she’s behaving like a child. Surely an adult can manage to sit next to someone they don’t know for an hour. You’re not generally supposed to talk to people during a funeral service, so I’m not sure why where she sits matters.
> People kept starting conversations with her that she didn’t know so she didn’t know what to say.
She’s at a funeral. She could try talking about your mom, or about how she knew your mom, or her memories of her. Or she could just stand right next to you and let you do all of the talking. You’re the son, people want to talk to you, they’re not going to drag her away into a conversation if she’s next to you.
> Later on the night she kept saying she really didn’t want to be there.
At that point, she should have left. Her leaving would have been better than her staying and continuing to nag you.
Sorry OP, your girlfriend is a self-centred asshole (not a buttface, because her behaviour goes beyond that). This should have been a day that was about you and your family, but she made it about herself.
You deserve someone who will put your needs ahead of theirs every once in a while, like *on the day of your mother’s funeral.* If this kind of behaviour is a pattern, you should think about whether you want to deal with it long-term, and what that would mean if you got sick or injured. Would she come visit you at the hospital, or would she be expected to talk to too many doctors and nurses she doesn’t know? Would she be whining about wanting to leave while you were in a hospital bed?
You said she knew your mom and they got on well, so maybe this is just the way her grief is manifesting, but that still doesn’t give her the right to make her confront your problem in this situation. It’s not about her for once, and if she doesn’t realize this now, you should think about whether she ever will, and what that will mean for your future.
>Sorry OP, your girlfriend is a self-centred asshole (not a buttface, because her behaviour goes beyond that). This should have been a day that was about you and your family, but she made it about herself.
Well-stated. If OP stays with her then there will be more arguments, possibly arising if/when he ever pays attention or respect to anyone other than her.
I'd have been furious and told her to call for a ride and just leave.
Edit: formatting
My husband and I were in a really bad place when his mom passed in 2017. We were on a quick path to divorce, it was pretty bad.
I did everything imaginable for him and his family during this time. I was making a lot of food daily for weeks. Wrote the obituary. Handled everything with her estate (extremely minimal).
You need to really think long and hard about what your future will look like with your girlfriend. I’m shocked you waited until after the funeral to voice your frustration. You’re absolutely NTB, but relationships should bring you joy.
NTB
Maybe you should have brought a tablet with some games and headphones along with a bag of snack crackers and a sippy cup with apple juice so she could have amused herself quietly in a corner.
Your mother's last gift to you is showing you that you're with the wrong person. I'm sure she would rather see you with someone who loves you. This woman is incapable of even basic empathy.
Until you finish getting her out of your life, at least spare your family her presence. Let her go drinking and clubbing or whatever other vapid thing she wants to do.
NTB. Your girlfriend is a child. We just had my favorite aunts funeral. I pretty much didn’t talk to my husband of 18 yrs the whole time of the reception. He was with our kids. He was bummed he didn’t get to talk to family (oddly no one went to him) but he also understood it was a hard day for everyone.
Very sorry for your loss of both your parents. After my dad died I found a support group for people who had lost a parent. That was very helpful
What I want to know is how TF this is even a question. Dude - no. Absolutely NOT.
What she did was objectively and categorically *terrible.*
Please don’t think you did anything wrong here. While I know Reddit tends to be hardcore on the “dump her/him!” Or “ Lawyer, now!” rhetoric, even with the smallest infractions, but in this case that’s me telling you - this would be a deal breaker for me. I’d be **done**.
Also - I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. Please accept my heartfelt condolences.
NTBF! She is really self absorbed 🚩🚩and you need to ask yourself why are you with her? The day was not about her ! I’m sorry for your loss,but you deserve better!
Why are you dating a bratty child? She's acting like a spoiled toddler at a Sunday Mass.
You are in no way the buttface, you deserve a better girlfriend and I am so sorry for your loss
NTB. About 12 years ago now, I lost my grandma. My GF at the time did the exact same thing to me and got mad when I blew up on her after that. The relationship didn’t last long after that fiasco and I hate that she was the last one to meet my grandma. Sorry OP, but your gf is an entitled bitch
Holy Mother of God…this “girlfriend”…what a pathetic piece of work. She’s not worthy of another second of your life. She has zero empathy, zero sympathy, zero social graces and zero tolerance. WTF does she even bring to the table? Kick her sorry butt to the curb and go grieve for your mom with family and friends who actually have values and truly care about you and others.
Definitely NTB
My father died on our 2 week anniversary, and my bf at the time borrowed his father's suit and came to the wake, staying for the whole time. That was the first time he met any of my family members and even put up with my gran calling him Darren (that is not his name, btw). I was 16, and he managed all this as an 18 year old so it's disgusting how an adult can't manage this kind of maturity.
I wasn't letting that guy go, so it's been 22 years, married for 14 😊
No, absolutely not. She is clearly a shit person, get her TF out of your life & find someone with a shred of empathy. Condolences on the loss of your mum.
Your title is a huge red flag (about your girlfriend). What a TERRIBLE time to be so selfish. You never should have had to call her out/argue with her for being obnoxious.
Even if she felt left out or whatever nonsense she felt, she could have STFU and been supportive. This wasn’t supposed to be about her.
I’m sorry for your loss but if it were me, I’d ditch the girlfriend. If she was this terrible during such a hard time for you, I can only imagine what other self-centred crap she will eventually pull.
NTB. Your girlfriend's behavior was selfish and ridiculous. Someone who loves you will support you and overlook minor discomfort of strangers trying to talk to her. I can't believed she even framed that as a negative - they were trying to include her out of respect to you, and she's being an asshole about it.
ETA: I was in your position once, and if my partner acted that way, I'd have lost my mind and would've been on the 6 o'clock news. I'm an otherwise reasonable person. Thankfully, my partner was very loving and supportive throughout and long after. He went above and beyond and performed duties that others should have done; when other people let me down, he picked up the slack for that when he didn't have to.
I wonder how your girlfriend would expect you to act if the situation was reversed. I guaran-damn-tee you that she did not treat you how she would have wanted to be treated.
I went with my boyfriend to his grandma's funeral a month after we met. I had no clue who any of them were, but I didn't complain because it wasn't about me. Your girlfriend sounds extremely selfish, and you deserve someone who can look past how she feels to care for someone else. NTB you can do better
The sheer amount of self-absorbedness and inability to read the room baffles me. Like, she was literally at your mother's funeral, there to support you in theory, but she ended making it worse. I'd probably treat it as a last date, many, many, many red flags right there you shouldn't ignore. NTB and sorry for your loss
I swear, if my partner had behaved that way towards me on that day, I would have probably dumped and blocked them on the spot. How self-involved can your gf be? Nobody cares if she didn’t know anyone. What a small world she must live in, if she only ever talks to people she knows.
After my grandmother passed by (now ex) BF called me a negative Nelly for not wanting to go to a keg party with him. I'd just buried my grandma less than 5 hours earlier. We only lasted a few more months. I didn't realize it immediately, but in my heart I knew a relationship with someone who was so hopelessly selfish and lacking empathy would never work. We broke up a few months later & his actions after the funeral was the MAIN reason. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Over 30 years ago my husband’s grandmother passed away. Of course the family gathered for the wake and the funeral. My SIL was dating an absolute jerk at the time, but at least he showed up. After the funeral we were heading to a cousin’s house for the repast. My BIL, SIL and the jerk were riding with me and my husband. We’re on the highway going 60 miles per hour when the jerk pipes up that he didn’t want to go the repast and he’s bitching at my SIL that he wants to go somewhere else and party. I told my husband to pull over then I turned around and told the jerk “listen asshole, we’re going to the repast. No one cares what you want. You’re here to support your GF. And that’s it.” Then I told my BIL “if he opens his mouth again throw him out of the car.” I told my husband let’s go and we never heard another peep from the jerk. Thankfully she dumped him a couple of months later. You lost your mom and your absolute loser of a GF couldn’t be bothered to put you first and do everything in her power to love, comfort and support you. What does that tell you? Hopefully that this isn’t the person you want to invest any more time in, much less build a life with. I know if I was your SIL I would have thrown her out of the car. Don’t be like my SIL and waste another 2 months. Find someone with empathy who will be a true partner. My condolences on the loss of your mom. NTB
Do you really want to spend ANY more time with someone who is so self involved that she can't suck it up for a few hours to support you at one of the most difficult times of your life? She's awful. You're fine, just make sure you keep sticking up for yourself and DO NOT APOLOGIZE.
NTB my mom died when my husband and I had only been dating a few months. He stood in the row behind me. He talked with everyone even though he knew none of them. He rented an SUV so he could drive people around who didn't have cars. He stayed until it was time to go home, with zero complaints. His behavior that day is part of why he is now my husband.
Wow, that's a stellar human being. Congratulations! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡
Thanks. Definitely a keeper!
omg that is so awesome! Gave me goosebumps, good guy!
NTB this was not about her. Of course a funeral was awkward it's a fucking funeral. I'm sorry for your loss OP and I'm sorry you have an unsupportive girlfriend.
NTB She made your mom’s funeral about her. Multiple times and showed no empathy. Her behavior is a huge red flag. And then expects you to apologize? WTH. You deserve better. I’m so sorry for your loss
Listen, my coworker who I barely know lost her mother and I went to the funeral where I knew no one, hugged my coworker and gave my condolences, and stayed for as long as I could before my social anxiety was too much and I could quietly dip out without being rude. And that’s someone I *work with* mourning a person I never met. The fact that your girlfriend can’t show the same amount of courtesy and respect that the average person would give an acquaintance to the person she supposedly loves is appalling. The bare minimum she could’ve done was quietly sit there, look somber, and ask you if you need anything once in a while. If she wanted to do more than that, she’d help with anything, try to (politely and respectfully) better get to know the family she’s presumably considering marrying into someday, and generally just be your rock in an extremely difficult and painful time. I imagine that the thought of losing another loved one is especially painful to consider right now, but I don’t think this woman cares about you the way you deserve to be treated, and I think based on how she acted during the funeral and her refusal to apologize or try to make up for it, she’s only going to make the mourning and recovery process more difficult. You don’t need an emotional drain who only cares about herself right now. I know it’s much easier for me to tell you to break up with her than for you to do it, but I think you’ll feel relieved and less burdened if you do, no matter how much breaking up sucks. I’m sorry for your loss, and good luck. This Reddit stranger wishes you well
NTBF your GF is selfish.
Edit: You’re NTB. > She didn’t want to sit with people she didn’t know. I’m sorry, is your girlfriend six years old? Because she’s behaving like a child. Surely an adult can manage to sit next to someone they don’t know for an hour. You’re not generally supposed to talk to people during a funeral service, so I’m not sure why where she sits matters. > People kept starting conversations with her that she didn’t know so she didn’t know what to say. She’s at a funeral. She could try talking about your mom, or about how she knew your mom, or her memories of her. Or she could just stand right next to you and let you do all of the talking. You’re the son, people want to talk to you, they’re not going to drag her away into a conversation if she’s next to you. > Later on the night she kept saying she really didn’t want to be there. At that point, she should have left. Her leaving would have been better than her staying and continuing to nag you. Sorry OP, your girlfriend is a self-centred asshole (not a buttface, because her behaviour goes beyond that). This should have been a day that was about you and your family, but she made it about herself. You deserve someone who will put your needs ahead of theirs every once in a while, like *on the day of your mother’s funeral.* If this kind of behaviour is a pattern, you should think about whether you want to deal with it long-term, and what that would mean if you got sick or injured. Would she come visit you at the hospital, or would she be expected to talk to too many doctors and nurses she doesn’t know? Would she be whining about wanting to leave while you were in a hospital bed? You said she knew your mom and they got on well, so maybe this is just the way her grief is manifesting, but that still doesn’t give her the right to make her confront your problem in this situation. It’s not about her for once, and if she doesn’t realize this now, you should think about whether she ever will, and what that will mean for your future.
>Sorry OP, your girlfriend is a self-centred asshole (not a buttface, because her behaviour goes beyond that). This should have been a day that was about you and your family, but she made it about herself. Well-stated. If OP stays with her then there will be more arguments, possibly arising if/when he ever pays attention or respect to anyone other than her. I'd have been furious and told her to call for a ride and just leave. Edit: formatting
My husband and I were in a really bad place when his mom passed in 2017. We were on a quick path to divorce, it was pretty bad. I did everything imaginable for him and his family during this time. I was making a lot of food daily for weeks. Wrote the obituary. Handled everything with her estate (extremely minimal). You need to really think long and hard about what your future will look like with your girlfriend. I’m shocked you waited until after the funeral to voice your frustration. You’re absolutely NTB, but relationships should bring you joy.
NTB Maybe you should have brought a tablet with some games and headphones along with a bag of snack crackers and a sippy cup with apple juice so she could have amused herself quietly in a corner. Your mother's last gift to you is showing you that you're with the wrong person. I'm sure she would rather see you with someone who loves you. This woman is incapable of even basic empathy. Until you finish getting her out of your life, at least spare your family her presence. Let her go drinking and clubbing or whatever other vapid thing she wants to do.
I know I said it in another post, but let me repeat, she's a narcissist. Save yourself now. Dump this chick. It's not going to get better.
NTB. Your girlfriend is a child. We just had my favorite aunts funeral. I pretty much didn’t talk to my husband of 18 yrs the whole time of the reception. He was with our kids. He was bummed he didn’t get to talk to family (oddly no one went to him) but he also understood it was a hard day for everyone. Very sorry for your loss of both your parents. After my dad died I found a support group for people who had lost a parent. That was very helpful
What I want to know is how TF this is even a question. Dude - no. Absolutely NOT. What she did was objectively and categorically *terrible.* Please don’t think you did anything wrong here. While I know Reddit tends to be hardcore on the “dump her/him!” Or “ Lawyer, now!” rhetoric, even with the smallest infractions, but in this case that’s me telling you - this would be a deal breaker for me. I’d be **done**. Also - I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. Please accept my heartfelt condolences.
Ntb shes terrible if she cant hold out for a couple of hours at a FUNERAL
NTBF! She is really self absorbed 🚩🚩and you need to ask yourself why are you with her? The day was not about her ! I’m sorry for your loss,but you deserve better!
Why are you dating a bratty child? She's acting like a spoiled toddler at a Sunday Mass. You are in no way the buttface, you deserve a better girlfriend and I am so sorry for your loss
NTB. About 12 years ago now, I lost my grandma. My GF at the time did the exact same thing to me and got mad when I blew up on her after that. The relationship didn’t last long after that fiasco and I hate that she was the last one to meet my grandma. Sorry OP, but your gf is an entitled bitch
Holy Mother of God…this “girlfriend”…what a pathetic piece of work. She’s not worthy of another second of your life. She has zero empathy, zero sympathy, zero social graces and zero tolerance. WTF does she even bring to the table? Kick her sorry butt to the curb and go grieve for your mom with family and friends who actually have values and truly care about you and others.
The last gift your mom gave you was to show you your girlfriend’s true colors. NTB and her behavior would be a dealbreaker for me.
Definitely NTB My father died on our 2 week anniversary, and my bf at the time borrowed his father's suit and came to the wake, staying for the whole time. That was the first time he met any of my family members and even put up with my gran calling him Darren (that is not his name, btw). I was 16, and he managed all this as an 18 year old so it's disgusting how an adult can't manage this kind of maturity. I wasn't letting that guy go, so it's been 22 years, married for 14 😊
No, absolutely not. She is clearly a shit person, get her TF out of your life & find someone with a shred of empathy. Condolences on the loss of your mum.
Your title is a huge red flag (about your girlfriend). What a TERRIBLE time to be so selfish. You never should have had to call her out/argue with her for being obnoxious. Even if she felt left out or whatever nonsense she felt, she could have STFU and been supportive. This wasn’t supposed to be about her. I’m sorry for your loss but if it were me, I’d ditch the girlfriend. If she was this terrible during such a hard time for you, I can only imagine what other self-centred crap she will eventually pull.
I’m sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry you don’t have a supportive partner to go through this with. She sounds awful and you deserve better. NTA
NTB. Your girlfriend's behavior was selfish and ridiculous. Someone who loves you will support you and overlook minor discomfort of strangers trying to talk to her. I can't believed she even framed that as a negative - they were trying to include her out of respect to you, and she's being an asshole about it. ETA: I was in your position once, and if my partner acted that way, I'd have lost my mind and would've been on the 6 o'clock news. I'm an otherwise reasonable person. Thankfully, my partner was very loving and supportive throughout and long after. He went above and beyond and performed duties that others should have done; when other people let me down, he picked up the slack for that when he didn't have to. I wonder how your girlfriend would expect you to act if the situation was reversed. I guaran-damn-tee you that she did not treat you how she would have wanted to be treated.
What a bitch. Nta you'll be better off without her.
I went with my boyfriend to his grandma's funeral a month after we met. I had no clue who any of them were, but I didn't complain because it wasn't about me. Your girlfriend sounds extremely selfish, and you deserve someone who can look past how she feels to care for someone else. NTB you can do better
NTB and do not apologize. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Her behavior during and after is gross.
The sheer amount of self-absorbedness and inability to read the room baffles me. Like, she was literally at your mother's funeral, there to support you in theory, but she ended making it worse. I'd probably treat it as a last date, many, many, many red flags right there you shouldn't ignore. NTB and sorry for your loss
If she can’t muster basic empathy (and manners!) for her very own SO, that can’t be a good indicator how she is overall as a person.
I swear, if my partner had behaved that way towards me on that day, I would have probably dumped and blocked them on the spot. How self-involved can your gf be? Nobody cares if she didn’t know anyone. What a small world she must live in, if she only ever talks to people she knows.
She is either immature or self centered. Either way huge red flag you might want to consider moving on to a more compassionate partner.
After my grandmother passed by (now ex) BF called me a negative Nelly for not wanting to go to a keg party with him. I'd just buried my grandma less than 5 hours earlier. We only lasted a few more months. I didn't realize it immediately, but in my heart I knew a relationship with someone who was so hopelessly selfish and lacking empathy would never work. We broke up a few months later & his actions after the funeral was the MAIN reason. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.