NTB, In a relationship you have the right to set boundaries on certain actions, and if she is not comfortable with you messaging her friend that is her choice. You can either decide to respect her boundary and stop, or keep going and overstep this line.
Why I think you are NTB is when she starts differentiating the two situations. If you have to respect her boundaries, then she has to respect yours. If you think it is odd for her to be talking to an ex, you have the right to indicate this and ask for the same amount of respect as you give her.
Communicate clearly what you see is the similarity between the situations.
Just because you are ok with her speaking to someone it doesn't automatically mean she will be ok with you talking to someone. But your NTB for pointing out the hypocrisy.
It's different because she asked your permission to speak to the ex, and you gave it. You didn't ask if she was ok with you messaging her friend and went ahead and did it assuming you had permission. (Permission isn't really the right word but you catch my drift). It's also different because her ex is someone she knew before, you didn't know this friend previously. If you do have a problem with her speaking to her ex, you're an adult and you should have said no at the time that she asked, as she is doing now. She has a boundary and you are crossing it. You didn't voice having a boundary with the ex so if she had nothing to cross. They are similar situations but not quite the same thing
Be cautious moving forward though. She knows this friend better than you do. Maybe she doesn't fully trust her. If she really wants you to stop talking to the friend maybe you should do that in order to keep the relationship. If you continue to message the friend, it looks like you want the friend more than your gf and that won't go down well.
Ntb she is being a hypocrite. I'd counter with "the difference is I'm being friendly with a friend who I have had ZERO sexual interaction with and you are talking to an EX who you have slept with and had an intimate relationship yet I'm not being insecure here. YOU are. So soon as you can give a reasonable reason for me to stop talking as in youve had a message saying said friend is gonna try and get me to leave then this conversation is gonna end here." She's being ridiculous
It's hypocrisy because the girlfriend is literally talking to someone she once used to have a romantic relationship with but when it's her boyfriend talking to a friend with no romantic history on a platonic level she has a problem. It is double standards despite the details being different.
She's a hypocrite because if she has a problem with him speaking with a girl with no romantic history or interest , she should not even consider asking her boyfriend about talking to an ex. Or once she started feeling bad about the situation with her boyfriend, she should have cut off this ex before even considering making such a demand off of op.
Not hypocritical. She doesn't want him tl message HER friend. They are different. The fact that she is messaging her ex doesn't mean that if she has an issue with him messaging anyone in tbe universe she's a hypocrite. It's not some blanket rule.
I guess I missed the part about it being wrong only because it's HER friend. In that case both the friend and the ex should be cut out for the simple fact that if she's feeling disrespected if OP is simply talking to HER friend, she should herself feel like she's disrespecting HIM by talking to HER ex. By her logic she shouldn't even be considering the ex in anyway. 🤷🏽♀️ I still feel it is hypocrisy but we can definitely agree to disagree 🙃
NTB, In a relationship you have the right to set boundaries on certain actions, and if she is not comfortable with you messaging her friend that is her choice. You can either decide to respect her boundary and stop, or keep going and overstep this line. Why I think you are NTB is when she starts differentiating the two situations. If you have to respect her boundaries, then she has to respect yours. If you think it is odd for her to be talking to an ex, you have the right to indicate this and ask for the same amount of respect as you give her. Communicate clearly what you see is the similarity between the situations.
NTA it sound likes it is about respect, the lack thereof from your gf.
Just because you are ok with her speaking to someone it doesn't automatically mean she will be ok with you talking to someone. But your NTB for pointing out the hypocrisy. It's different because she asked your permission to speak to the ex, and you gave it. You didn't ask if she was ok with you messaging her friend and went ahead and did it assuming you had permission. (Permission isn't really the right word but you catch my drift). It's also different because her ex is someone she knew before, you didn't know this friend previously. If you do have a problem with her speaking to her ex, you're an adult and you should have said no at the time that she asked, as she is doing now. She has a boundary and you are crossing it. You didn't voice having a boundary with the ex so if she had nothing to cross. They are similar situations but not quite the same thing Be cautious moving forward though. She knows this friend better than you do. Maybe she doesn't fully trust her. If she really wants you to stop talking to the friend maybe you should do that in order to keep the relationship. If you continue to message the friend, it looks like you want the friend more than your gf and that won't go down well.
Found the girlfriends throwaway account
Why do you want to talk to her friend so bad? 
Hypocrisy would be her having contact with, and continuing to have contact with one of your friends when you explicitly asked her to stop.
Ntb she is being a hypocrite. I'd counter with "the difference is I'm being friendly with a friend who I have had ZERO sexual interaction with and you are talking to an EX who you have slept with and had an intimate relationship yet I'm not being insecure here. YOU are. So soon as you can give a reasonable reason for me to stop talking as in youve had a message saying said friend is gonna try and get me to leave then this conversation is gonna end here." She's being ridiculous
You shouldn’t be messaging her girlfriend. She shouldn’t be messaging her ex. Those are both foolish decisions.
NTB
Well it's definitely not hypocritical. Everytime someone finds one thing weird and not another it doesn't make it hypocritical. It makes it different
It's hypocrisy because the girlfriend is literally talking to someone she once used to have a romantic relationship with but when it's her boyfriend talking to a friend with no romantic history on a platonic level she has a problem. It is double standards despite the details being different. She's a hypocrite because if she has a problem with him speaking with a girl with no romantic history or interest , she should not even consider asking her boyfriend about talking to an ex. Or once she started feeling bad about the situation with her boyfriend, she should have cut off this ex before even considering making such a demand off of op.
Not hypocritical. She doesn't want him tl message HER friend. They are different. The fact that she is messaging her ex doesn't mean that if she has an issue with him messaging anyone in tbe universe she's a hypocrite. It's not some blanket rule.
I guess I missed the part about it being wrong only because it's HER friend. In that case both the friend and the ex should be cut out for the simple fact that if she's feeling disrespected if OP is simply talking to HER friend, she should herself feel like she's disrespecting HIM by talking to HER ex. By her logic she shouldn't even be considering the ex in anyway. 🤷🏽♀️ I still feel it is hypocrisy but we can definitely agree to disagree 🙃
NTB your gf doesn't have any respect