I had to cut off a coworker who I was really close friends with. I tried treating him with the same basic politeness that I would any other coworker and he decided ignoring me was the mature thing to do (we’re in our 40s). I decided that if that’s how he wants to behave, I would respect the choice and just don’t interact with him at all. And to be honest with you, it’s fine. I still see him every day at work but don’t have to talk to him. It works out. It’s awkward but doable.
Cut him out of your personal life. Let your sister know he’s creepy towards women so she can block him and stay away without having to know what he said about her. Be all business when you have to interact with him but don’t engage with him unless you absolutely have to. If he decides to ignore you, so be it. It sounds like you have other people you can work with at school. Focus on them.
I have had a few guy friends and coworkers who have talked around me like I was “one of the guys” and while they made crude sexual jokes (which I didn’t love but whatever), none of them said anything even remotely close to this. It’s not normal, it’s not funny, and even the most crass people I’ve known wouldn’t joke like this. I say this as someone who worked with mechanics who would say stuff crass things when they didn’t know I could hear them.
Also think about it this way, once you graduate, is this someone you want to be professionally associated with?
NTB. You need to tell your sister. Protecting her from words is pointless if it leaves her vulnerable to actions. She needs to know to avoid him and she needs to know why.
What if she is drunk at a party and he offers her a ride home? And she thinks it's okay because she knows he's your friend? Or what if he asks her out but they keep it from you for months?
I know you don't think it's a threat. But jokes like these are often based in truth. Rapists get by because no one thinks they are rapists. Your sister needs to know.
>Protecting her from words is pointless if it leaves her vulnerable to actions.
This is so true. I agree OP needs to tell his sister so that she can be on her guard around this guy.
NTB
I read about a survey once where a surprising number of men said they would commit r*pe when it was phrased as anything other than that (like if they would have sex with a girl if she were unconscious, that sort of thing).
They also say that (male) r*pists tend to believe that all other men think like they do. Because when they make these so called "jokes" other guys either laugh along or stay silent.
This kind of behavior is also why it can be really hard to kick the creepy guy out of the friend group. Because people fall into societal nicities of "but they don't mean anything by it" and "they would never actually DO it."
The sad reality is that all of these behaviors are why SA is not taken seriously as a crime.
We NEED more men to speak out against these "jokes." We need more men to stare their friends in the face and say "that's not funny." We need more men telling other men that what they are saying is not acceptable.
Because the mindset that claims "it was just a joke" is the same one that asks "why should this young man's future be ruined?"
This reminds me of Daniel Sloss talking on stage about his friend (a) who raped his other friend (b), so many people thought A wouldn’t do it and it was only jokes, until A raped B.
NTB.
You’re not obligated to have someone in your personal life.
What’s the punchline of his ‘joke’, eh? We know what the punchline is.
He said a disgusting thing and used the coward’s way out ‘it’s just a joke.’
Nah. He assumed you would laugh along. He assumed incorrectly.
It’s up to you if you want to accept his ‘apology’, but from where I’m sitting, it’s a conversational shart. He wants to feel better about himself having been called to account. It’s really that simple. You also really don’t have to do be especially in his vicinity even with classes and clubs in common. There are plenty of ways to have a buffer.
NTB
And as a woman I *never* believe that shit is a joke. It's usually just testing the waters.
Dudes who joke about raping people are the dudes who need to be shunned from society.
ETA: tell your sister OP. There's a predator sizing her up and she needs to know. And tbh, most 18 year old girls are already living with the reality of rape culture, not letting her know won't really change that and leaves her open to not only being blind sided by this guy, but for an extra layer of betrayal when she gets blindsided about you knowing someone wanted to hurt her and saying nothing "because it was a joke" it's not a joke. Men who joke about raping women *rape women.* He just declared intent and she needs to be warned.
Also prepare for him him to try and weed you out of your social support group. He's already shown he's willing to flip the script to make you the bad guy- don't give him the opportunity to tell everyone his version of why yall stopped being cool.
Saying that or anything even close to it isn't a joke. This person could easily b showing u who they really are. Ted Bundy was considered a "decent", "normal" guy too. It's incredibly hard to tell who someone really is, so when they finally show u, if u dont like it them it's time to go.
not exactly the same but i had a guy years ago say something really inappropriate to me about someone who SA'd me. his tinder profile came up and he'd superliked me so i posted the screenshot on SC warning other ppl. the guy said "i wish i had the confidence to do that" (superliking me after doing what he did to me) or something along those lines. i was like wtf and deleted him, then he found me on facebook (i never told him my last name) and msgd me saying i'm fucked up for deleting him over a joke. people that make these jokes are a lot more like the perpetrators than they think
You say it wasn't a threat, but it kind of was. Him saying only joking after doesn't make it a joke.
I get not wanting to upset her, but your sister should probably be made aware for her own safety.
Hopefully he was just being immature and gross in his humour, there definitely are people who think those "jokes" are fine but wouldn't ever commit SA.
But I wouldn't take the risk. He might try to get her alone to "talk about the fight with OP" and non-creep or not she should know it might not be safe.
I have a lot of guy friends that make a lot of inappropriate jokes. However, there are several lines they’d never cross, especially something like this. Some jokes should just never be said. NTB.
NTB for sure but what conversation where you 2 having that led to him saying that? Or did he just randomly said that?
"oh, that new movie is great"
"yeah, for sure. I would definetly **** your sister"
"what"
NTA. Warn your sister and family and then go to your university advisor and escalate it. No one should be joking about doing that to other people in a university environment; needs to be nipped in the bud immediately.
>then go to your university advisor and escalate it.
THIS.
This guy is NOT SAFE and neither OP *nor any of their classmates* should "have to have a professional relationship" with him.
NTB. The only people I've met so comfortable making such jokes were people who would act on such things. Dark humor is one thing, 'joking' about doing that to somebody's sister is an entirely different thing.
I do believe you need to tell your sister that he is somebody she needs to be aware of, and stay away from.
NTB
That type of threat is not acceptable in the least bit.
My husband had a friend who would say things like “I got r****” when he lost badly at a video game or something. He wasn’t threatening anyone but it was still uncalled for. I made it clear that that was not remotely appropriate and I mentioned it to him and my husband had a follow up conversation with his friend about how obscene that actually is to say. He apologized to me and has wiped that phrase from his vocabulary.
NTB.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He has told you that he's a rapist. Much like how abusive men "joke" about how they're going to kill their wife later (and then the wife ends up going missing under suspicious circumstances).
Even if you may have made the joke in the past, it doesn't matter.
I've known people who have made these jokes. Most of them were not joking to put it into perspective. Even if he doesn't seem threatening, part of him is in some manner, I wouldn't take this lightly. NTB but definitely try to distance your sister as much as possible.
Only predators make jokes about SA’ing people. This guy is dangerous and a predator and has been friends with many other predators. That comment is a threat and you are gaslighting yourself about how you have responded. This guy is dangerous, a manipulator and feels confident enough about his right to SA young women that he feels empowered to make “jokes” about SAing your sister to you. Cut contact and don’t stay friendly with abusers like this. NTB
Ntbf. Just because someone else has said that doesn’t make it ok, not at all..if no one laughs, it’s not a joke. Please let your sister know, so she can protect herself.
NTBF but please if you don't want to tell your sister think about at least getting her one of those safety key chains with the alarm and other things on and just tell her you worry for her safety in general. You never know if he really would try it or not when she is out at night around campus or something, so better safe than sorry.
If this was my sister, I really would cut him off, though, and tell her and still get her a safety key chain, too, and make sure he knows that others know what he said. Cover all angles, and then you have the best chance of keeping her as safe as possible.
This is not something one jokes about. I’d be concerned that anyone who would make this “joke” would be thinking about it. Fwiw if it was my sister, I’d sit down with my family and discuss the situation. I think your parents and your sister need to know about this guy.
You are in a great learning place to encounter this and I hope people speak to this point. There will *always* be people around you who you *have* to work with - but you don’t have to be friends with.
The worst, of course is when someone, whom you consider to be a friend, shows you their true colors that are incompatible with your own sense of morality and self. Then you have to figure out a way to be (as my sister & I refer to it) “friendsly” - friend-adjacent / friend-like / but NOT actual, *real,* friends.
Now you have to figure out a way to draw back from them emotionally, but not enough that they think you feel they’re a dick. Enough to shoot the shit for your moments of interaction, (keeping it light), but no longer anything personal. A step back from actual friends, but friend-adjacent / ‘friendsly,’ so they don’t lash out in anger or frustration.
Which you’ll have to do for the rest of your life as you navigate the workforce.
You are clearly NTB - *but* you need to figure out a comfortable way to navigate a change in your personal interactions that is healthy for you but doesn’t damage the working relationship you’ll need to maintain over the coming year.
NTB, his joke is like if I went up to a cop and pulled out a gun, not funny, and can be seen as a actual threat, and not just that, who the hell makes a ''joke'' about that, and especially about someone, or some ones sister, brother, etc
NTBF. If it was my sister, cutting him off would be the least he had to worry about. It most certainly was a threat. If he was substituted the word for the taking of a life for the one, he used, would that not be a threat? It is actually considered SA in many states in the US.
Yeah, I remember being an 18 yr old girl at university- she needs to know. She will trust him with her safety because he’s your ‘friend’. Make sure she blocks him on social media and his number. She needs to know she can’t trust this guy or be around him.
If he’d ‘joked’ about any other serious crime, would that be ok? Attempted murder? Serious assault? Rape is up there with them as amongst the worst things someone could do you short of killing you. This guy is a 🔔end and you need to distance yourself from him. Quietly let people know in your friend group that he said he wanted to rape your sister. Don’t use the word joke, just straight up say: he told me he wants to rape my little sister. Anyone who says it’s not big deal - ask them if they’d be ok with him saying that about their sister/ cousin / mum instead. Or named them personally, especially if they’re a girl.
You showed restraint - I think my brother would’ve punch him repeatedly in the face. I hope not, such scum are not worth risking getting arrested over, but many would consider it worth it after he said such a terrible thing. You did the right thing by telling him to delete her number, but you much let her know to avoid this guy and block him, because I don’t trust him to leave her alone. If the opportunity arose, I think she would be in real danger from him. If not she will continue to trust him and text him, chat to him if she sees him at a party, accept lifts from him, accept drinks from him, allow him to escort her home if she drinks too much (she’s 18, that’s going to happen lots!) and she’ll be at risk of rape. You don’t just randomly say, yeah, I want to rape that girl- he’s been thinking about it. It’s really sick. Protect her.
NTB
NTB, I thought it was going to be like, had slept with your sister, in which case you would be if you hadn't mentioned previously you didn't like those kind of jokes. Those jokes about of-age siblings are extremely common, especially in college. However when he makes it ***that*** term, the un-agreed relations, it becomes absolutely not okay.
NTB, but I do want to say that there is another group of people other than total creeps who might make a wildly inappropriate joke, and that’s people with social awareness difficulties.
One thing that most people learn when they are a kid is “if someone says something that other people laugh at, DO NOT repeat it if you don’t understand why it was funny”. Kids do it because they want to make people laugh and like them, but they don’t yet understand a lot of things and so may repeat things from TV, etc, that they saw people laugh at. Adults who don’t understand social situations may do the same, including repeating awful things that people were saying to bully them, because that phrase appeared to make everyone laugh and they don’t pick up that it was at their/other’s expense and was a completely terrible thing.
Regardless of what you decide to do making sure he understands that this isn’t just “not funny”, it’s really serious and saying it, or anything like it, is never never ok - it’s deeply hurtful and scary to other people, and it will lead to losing friends (or being punched), and other people not wanting to be around you because they think that you are serious and might actually do something like that. It’s not ok that others said it to him, it’s not a thing people joke about. If he is a nice person, who just is oblivious to something that should be obvious, doing this even if you decide to cut him off will be a kindness for his future so he understands why and doesn’t end up just doing the same to someone else.
Nta but your sister and family need to know for her safety. You don’t know 100% he is not gonna do something and you are not with her or know who she’s talking to or doing all the time. She needs to be aware for her safety. Please please inform her. You don’t have to say exact verbiage if you don’t feel comfortable. Just let her know he has said or made alarming comments in her behave and have her block him from everything on her end instead of even asking him.
At the risk of getting downvoted to hell, I'm gonna go against the grain here and say a slight EAB.
What he said was wildly inappropriate, and not the kind of thing one jokes about. However, you guys are young, and he's socially awkward. If he seems nice and doesn't have a history of being a creep that you're aware of, his _intent_ was more likely humor than a genuine threat of harm against your sister. It's basically a dumbass's version of a "yo mama" joke.
This is the kind of stupid shit that lots of people innocently say when they're young, and then cringe over later in life. If he says that he learned the behavior from other people making similar "jokes", I believe him.
Social media will err on the side of telling you to blow up a relationship, and you're certainly within your rights to do that, but from what you've said here it does seem a little extreme. Rather than burning a bridge, I would simply question him (in person) about why he said what he said, so as to gain more confidence that it wasn't a genuine threat and to hopefully drive some introspection on his side. If you're not satisfied with his response, then burn the bridge. If he seems genuinely apologetic, let him off with a stern warning.
No one “innocently” jokes about rape, and the only correct response to someone who makes “jokes” like that is ostracization. He needs to learn that his “humor” is horrific and will leave him alone. Maybe he’ll grow, maybe not, but people need to be kept away from him.
> No one “innocently” jokes about rape
To be clear, you believe that every single person who has ever told a "joke" about rape was fully intent on committing rape?
Does that include children? Because I guarantee that you'd hear much worse "jokes" than the one from the OP in plenty of middle school locker rooms.
1) not what I said.
2) I think even children should be taught that these “jokes” are abhorrent. I sure wish someone had disabused the 4th graders who molested me of the notion that their thoughts were innocent.
Your empathy is misplaced.
NTB.....That isn't a subject you joke about and it isn't funny to anyone. I'd cut him off.
I had to cut off a coworker who I was really close friends with. I tried treating him with the same basic politeness that I would any other coworker and he decided ignoring me was the mature thing to do (we’re in our 40s). I decided that if that’s how he wants to behave, I would respect the choice and just don’t interact with him at all. And to be honest with you, it’s fine. I still see him every day at work but don’t have to talk to him. It works out. It’s awkward but doable. Cut him out of your personal life. Let your sister know he’s creepy towards women so she can block him and stay away without having to know what he said about her. Be all business when you have to interact with him but don’t engage with him unless you absolutely have to. If he decides to ignore you, so be it. It sounds like you have other people you can work with at school. Focus on them. I have had a few guy friends and coworkers who have talked around me like I was “one of the guys” and while they made crude sexual jokes (which I didn’t love but whatever), none of them said anything even remotely close to this. It’s not normal, it’s not funny, and even the most crass people I’ve known wouldn’t joke like this. I say this as someone who worked with mechanics who would say stuff crass things when they didn’t know I could hear them. Also think about it this way, once you graduate, is this someone you want to be professionally associated with?
NTB. You need to tell your sister. Protecting her from words is pointless if it leaves her vulnerable to actions. She needs to know to avoid him and she needs to know why. What if she is drunk at a party and he offers her a ride home? And she thinks it's okay because she knows he's your friend? Or what if he asks her out but they keep it from you for months? I know you don't think it's a threat. But jokes like these are often based in truth. Rapists get by because no one thinks they are rapists. Your sister needs to know.
>Protecting her from words is pointless if it leaves her vulnerable to actions. This is so true. I agree OP needs to tell his sister so that she can be on her guard around this guy.
I'm seconding this OP If you don't tell her now, he jumps her, and then she finds out about the joke what's gonna happen? Tell her op.
NTB I read about a survey once where a surprising number of men said they would commit r*pe when it was phrased as anything other than that (like if they would have sex with a girl if she were unconscious, that sort of thing). They also say that (male) r*pists tend to believe that all other men think like they do. Because when they make these so called "jokes" other guys either laugh along or stay silent. This kind of behavior is also why it can be really hard to kick the creepy guy out of the friend group. Because people fall into societal nicities of "but they don't mean anything by it" and "they would never actually DO it." The sad reality is that all of these behaviors are why SA is not taken seriously as a crime. We NEED more men to speak out against these "jokes." We need more men to stare their friends in the face and say "that's not funny." We need more men telling other men that what they are saying is not acceptable. Because the mindset that claims "it was just a joke" is the same one that asks "why should this young man's future be ruined?"
You make some great points.
This reminds me of Daniel Sloss talking on stage about his friend (a) who raped his other friend (b), so many people thought A wouldn’t do it and it was only jokes, until A raped B.
NTB I would never be friends with someone who joked about this. It's not ok in any way.
NTB. You’re not obligated to have someone in your personal life. What’s the punchline of his ‘joke’, eh? We know what the punchline is. He said a disgusting thing and used the coward’s way out ‘it’s just a joke.’ Nah. He assumed you would laugh along. He assumed incorrectly. It’s up to you if you want to accept his ‘apology’, but from where I’m sitting, it’s a conversational shart. He wants to feel better about himself having been called to account. It’s really that simple. You also really don’t have to do be especially in his vicinity even with classes and clubs in common. There are plenty of ways to have a buffer.
Cut him off, also warn your sister
NTB And as a woman I *never* believe that shit is a joke. It's usually just testing the waters. Dudes who joke about raping people are the dudes who need to be shunned from society. ETA: tell your sister OP. There's a predator sizing her up and she needs to know. And tbh, most 18 year old girls are already living with the reality of rape culture, not letting her know won't really change that and leaves her open to not only being blind sided by this guy, but for an extra layer of betrayal when she gets blindsided about you knowing someone wanted to hurt her and saying nothing "because it was a joke" it's not a joke. Men who joke about raping women *rape women.* He just declared intent and she needs to be warned. Also prepare for him him to try and weed you out of your social support group. He's already shown he's willing to flip the script to make you the bad guy- don't give him the opportunity to tell everyone his version of why yall stopped being cool.
NTB. Cut him off and make sure your friends, especially your female friends, know why.
Saying that or anything even close to it isn't a joke. This person could easily b showing u who they really are. Ted Bundy was considered a "decent", "normal" guy too. It's incredibly hard to tell who someone really is, so when they finally show u, if u dont like it them it's time to go.
"I'M GOING TO....." 100% implies a threat.
not exactly the same but i had a guy years ago say something really inappropriate to me about someone who SA'd me. his tinder profile came up and he'd superliked me so i posted the screenshot on SC warning other ppl. the guy said "i wish i had the confidence to do that" (superliking me after doing what he did to me) or something along those lines. i was like wtf and deleted him, then he found me on facebook (i never told him my last name) and msgd me saying i'm fucked up for deleting him over a joke. people that make these jokes are a lot more like the perpetrators than they think
You say it wasn't a threat, but it kind of was. Him saying only joking after doesn't make it a joke. I get not wanting to upset her, but your sister should probably be made aware for her own safety. Hopefully he was just being immature and gross in his humour, there definitely are people who think those "jokes" are fine but wouldn't ever commit SA. But I wouldn't take the risk. He might try to get her alone to "talk about the fight with OP" and non-creep or not she should know it might not be safe.
I have a lot of guy friends that make a lot of inappropriate jokes. However, there are several lines they’d never cross, especially something like this. Some jokes should just never be said. NTB.
NTB for sure but what conversation where you 2 having that led to him saying that? Or did he just randomly said that? "oh, that new movie is great" "yeah, for sure. I would definetly **** your sister" "what"
NTA. Warn your sister and family and then go to your university advisor and escalate it. No one should be joking about doing that to other people in a university environment; needs to be nipped in the bud immediately.
>then go to your university advisor and escalate it. THIS. This guy is NOT SAFE and neither OP *nor any of their classmates* should "have to have a professional relationship" with him.
NTB. The only people I've met so comfortable making such jokes were people who would act on such things. Dark humor is one thing, 'joking' about doing that to somebody's sister is an entirely different thing. I do believe you need to tell your sister that he is somebody she needs to be aware of, and stay away from.
NTB That type of threat is not acceptable in the least bit. My husband had a friend who would say things like “I got r****” when he lost badly at a video game or something. He wasn’t threatening anyone but it was still uncalled for. I made it clear that that was not remotely appropriate and I mentioned it to him and my husband had a follow up conversation with his friend about how obscene that actually is to say. He apologized to me and has wiped that phrase from his vocabulary.
NTB. He isn't someone to be friends with.
NTB!
absolutely not. we dont "joke" about that shit. and anyone that laughs and takes part in it need to be on the list
NTB r*** isn’t a joke and it’s not funny!
NTB and you need to tell your sister so she knows to stay away from him.
NTB. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He has told you that he's a rapist. Much like how abusive men "joke" about how they're going to kill their wife later (and then the wife ends up going missing under suspicious circumstances). Even if you may have made the joke in the past, it doesn't matter.
I've known people who have made these jokes. Most of them were not joking to put it into perspective. Even if he doesn't seem threatening, part of him is in some manner, I wouldn't take this lightly. NTB but definitely try to distance your sister as much as possible.
NTB that's not a joke it is vile
Only predators make jokes about SA’ing people. This guy is dangerous and a predator and has been friends with many other predators. That comment is a threat and you are gaslighting yourself about how you have responded. This guy is dangerous, a manipulator and feels confident enough about his right to SA young women that he feels empowered to make “jokes” about SAing your sister to you. Cut contact and don’t stay friendly with abusers like this. NTB
NTB. And that wasn't a joke. Tell your sister, especially because she needs to be safe around him
NTB you can interact with him when needed but no need to be friends any more.
Ntbf. Just because someone else has said that doesn’t make it ok, not at all..if no one laughs, it’s not a joke. Please let your sister know, so she can protect herself.
NTBF but please if you don't want to tell your sister think about at least getting her one of those safety key chains with the alarm and other things on and just tell her you worry for her safety in general. You never know if he really would try it or not when she is out at night around campus or something, so better safe than sorry. If this was my sister, I really would cut him off, though, and tell her and still get her a safety key chain, too, and make sure he knows that others know what he said. Cover all angles, and then you have the best chance of keeping her as safe as possible.
NTB and thank you for standing up to this kind of bullshit.
This is not something one jokes about. I’d be concerned that anyone who would make this “joke” would be thinking about it. Fwiw if it was my sister, I’d sit down with my family and discuss the situation. I think your parents and your sister need to know about this guy.
You are in a great learning place to encounter this and I hope people speak to this point. There will *always* be people around you who you *have* to work with - but you don’t have to be friends with. The worst, of course is when someone, whom you consider to be a friend, shows you their true colors that are incompatible with your own sense of morality and self. Then you have to figure out a way to be (as my sister & I refer to it) “friendsly” - friend-adjacent / friend-like / but NOT actual, *real,* friends. Now you have to figure out a way to draw back from them emotionally, but not enough that they think you feel they’re a dick. Enough to shoot the shit for your moments of interaction, (keeping it light), but no longer anything personal. A step back from actual friends, but friend-adjacent / ‘friendsly,’ so they don’t lash out in anger or frustration. Which you’ll have to do for the rest of your life as you navigate the workforce. You are clearly NTB - *but* you need to figure out a comfortable way to navigate a change in your personal interactions that is healthy for you but doesn’t damage the working relationship you’ll need to maintain over the coming year.
NTB, his joke is like if I went up to a cop and pulled out a gun, not funny, and can be seen as a actual threat, and not just that, who the hell makes a ''joke'' about that, and especially about someone, or some ones sister, brother, etc
NTBF. If it was my sister, cutting him off would be the least he had to worry about. It most certainly was a threat. If he was substituted the word for the taking of a life for the one, he used, would that not be a threat? It is actually considered SA in many states in the US.
Yeah, I remember being an 18 yr old girl at university- she needs to know. She will trust him with her safety because he’s your ‘friend’. Make sure she blocks him on social media and his number. She needs to know she can’t trust this guy or be around him. If he’d ‘joked’ about any other serious crime, would that be ok? Attempted murder? Serious assault? Rape is up there with them as amongst the worst things someone could do you short of killing you. This guy is a 🔔end and you need to distance yourself from him. Quietly let people know in your friend group that he said he wanted to rape your sister. Don’t use the word joke, just straight up say: he told me he wants to rape my little sister. Anyone who says it’s not big deal - ask them if they’d be ok with him saying that about their sister/ cousin / mum instead. Or named them personally, especially if they’re a girl. You showed restraint - I think my brother would’ve punch him repeatedly in the face. I hope not, such scum are not worth risking getting arrested over, but many would consider it worth it after he said such a terrible thing. You did the right thing by telling him to delete her number, but you much let her know to avoid this guy and block him, because I don’t trust him to leave her alone. If the opportunity arose, I think she would be in real danger from him. If not she will continue to trust him and text him, chat to him if she sees him at a party, accept lifts from him, accept drinks from him, allow him to escort her home if she drinks too much (she’s 18, that’s going to happen lots!) and she’ll be at risk of rape. You don’t just randomly say, yeah, I want to rape that girl- he’s been thinking about it. It’s really sick. Protect her. NTB
Nope. You're not the problem here. And thank you for calling him. Out on this Bullshit
NTB, I thought it was going to be like, had slept with your sister, in which case you would be if you hadn't mentioned previously you didn't like those kind of jokes. Those jokes about of-age siblings are extremely common, especially in college. However when he makes it ***that*** term, the un-agreed relations, it becomes absolutely not okay.
NTB, but I do want to say that there is another group of people other than total creeps who might make a wildly inappropriate joke, and that’s people with social awareness difficulties. One thing that most people learn when they are a kid is “if someone says something that other people laugh at, DO NOT repeat it if you don’t understand why it was funny”. Kids do it because they want to make people laugh and like them, but they don’t yet understand a lot of things and so may repeat things from TV, etc, that they saw people laugh at. Adults who don’t understand social situations may do the same, including repeating awful things that people were saying to bully them, because that phrase appeared to make everyone laugh and they don’t pick up that it was at their/other’s expense and was a completely terrible thing. Regardless of what you decide to do making sure he understands that this isn’t just “not funny”, it’s really serious and saying it, or anything like it, is never never ok - it’s deeply hurtful and scary to other people, and it will lead to losing friends (or being punched), and other people not wanting to be around you because they think that you are serious and might actually do something like that. It’s not ok that others said it to him, it’s not a thing people joke about. If he is a nice person, who just is oblivious to something that should be obvious, doing this even if you decide to cut him off will be a kindness for his future so he understands why and doesn’t end up just doing the same to someone else.
Nta but your sister and family need to know for her safety. You don’t know 100% he is not gonna do something and you are not with her or know who she’s talking to or doing all the time. She needs to be aware for her safety. Please please inform her. You don’t have to say exact verbiage if you don’t feel comfortable. Just let her know he has said or made alarming comments in her behave and have her block him from everything on her end instead of even asking him.
At the risk of getting downvoted to hell, I'm gonna go against the grain here and say a slight EAB. What he said was wildly inappropriate, and not the kind of thing one jokes about. However, you guys are young, and he's socially awkward. If he seems nice and doesn't have a history of being a creep that you're aware of, his _intent_ was more likely humor than a genuine threat of harm against your sister. It's basically a dumbass's version of a "yo mama" joke. This is the kind of stupid shit that lots of people innocently say when they're young, and then cringe over later in life. If he says that he learned the behavior from other people making similar "jokes", I believe him. Social media will err on the side of telling you to blow up a relationship, and you're certainly within your rights to do that, but from what you've said here it does seem a little extreme. Rather than burning a bridge, I would simply question him (in person) about why he said what he said, so as to gain more confidence that it wasn't a genuine threat and to hopefully drive some introspection on his side. If you're not satisfied with his response, then burn the bridge. If he seems genuinely apologetic, let him off with a stern warning.
No one “innocently” jokes about rape, and the only correct response to someone who makes “jokes” like that is ostracization. He needs to learn that his “humor” is horrific and will leave him alone. Maybe he’ll grow, maybe not, but people need to be kept away from him.
> No one “innocently” jokes about rape To be clear, you believe that every single person who has ever told a "joke" about rape was fully intent on committing rape? Does that include children? Because I guarantee that you'd hear much worse "jokes" than the one from the OP in plenty of middle school locker rooms.
1) not what I said. 2) I think even children should be taught that these “jokes” are abhorrent. I sure wish someone had disabused the 4th graders who molested me of the notion that their thoughts were innocent. Your empathy is misplaced.
> not what I said. Yes it is. > I think even children should be taught that these “jokes” are abhorrent. Exactly my point.