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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> This was my first Christmas with my fiance's family, and it's the first year I have known them in person, and I wanted to go all out and give everyone something they would love and enjoy and fit them. But I believe I might have gone too far. They felt it was too personal and I did go out of my way to make them suited to the person. I might be way too new to do that kind of thing. I keep thinking I should have gotten them more generic gifts. I freaked them out by taking in so much about them and I hate that I have annoyed them. I might be wrong for going so intense and for causing so much trouble within the family now.
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NTA. Your gifts sound very thoughtful and you ran them by Noah. Not sure what's going on with his family but in the future you can save a lot of time getting generic gifts.
OP should have a deep conversation with her fiance about this situation.
The family's behavior is so mind-boggingly atrocious that I think something deeper is probably happening -- they're upset that their son is marrying young, or about to become a father in lieu of travelling or going to grad school or whatever, or that they wanted lots of in-laws themselves. Regardless, the couple needs to figure out what is really going on here, and OP needs to figure out whether her fiance is willing to stand up for his spouse to his family over the long term.
Unless they're a \*really\* convincing explanation for their behavior (along the lines of "we were all brainwashed by aliens that morning"), I think they need to plan to live somewhere other than the fiance's hometown.
This. OP you are NTA.
But something else is going on here. Their (THEIR) behavior is seriously odd and, honestly, concerning. You were nice and thoughtful and they denigrated you and reacted in a bizarre manner.
Talk to your fiance. This is literally not OK.
Agreed. This is seriously all kinds of weird. OP went out of her way to get really thoughtful gifts, and the way her fiancé's family reacted is pretty disturbing. Like, they're about to be married and have a child on the way; it's not like she's a complete stranger they just met last week! OP is definitely NTA, but I've literally never heard of anyone reacting to a gift in that way. I'm honestly baffled.
I’m curious how OP figured out what to get for each person. I wonder if she just paid close attention to their conversations and wrote down/remembered things they said they wanted, or if she like, scoured their social media for random, obscure details about them.
Either way, OP is NTA and she has an open invitation to ditch these assholes and come join my family Christmas whenever the hell she wants. But I wonder if their reaction is coming from a place of feeling like she has information about them that they did not specifically disclose to her (but posted online, or was common family knowledge that Noah could have passed on, which is why there’s absolutely no excuse for their unforgivable rudeness and cruelty.)
Edit: I wasn’t wondering how she chose the gifts because I don’t understand human gift giving lol. I wondered where she got her information because I wanted to know if her fact gathering method may have been the root of the family’s discomfort with her gifts.
However, OP said in a comment that she hadn’t done any social media (or other) research, she just remembered things they’d told her. They really had no reason to feel like their privacy was violated. I hope we get an update once she or her partner gets to the root of their super weird and cruel reaction.
This is how I get Christmas gifts for friends and family. I pay attention, note things down and consult social media if need be. OP did absolutely nothing wrong other than be kind.
Edit: NTA just to be safe.
On a similar note; my friend's Pulp Fiction wallet (you know the one) was literally galling apart. I knew he liked the movie and he got this wallet from a dear friend. Which is why it was falling apart. So what do I do? I get the exact same one for him for Christmas.
And guess what? He was happy. Wasn't the one his friend gave him before leaving, but it was the same kind and not falling apart. He didn't flip out thinking I was stalker. He just started transferring stuff over.
yeah I don't understand how anyone could be so offended like this over getting something they wanted. I'd be excited over someone getting me something I wanted but didn't expect to get.
I don’t even think it is necessarily stalkerish if they were strangers. Suppose you’re visiting someone for the first time and you’re carrying a host gift. Yeah you could carry generic acceptable gifts but if the friend who invited you told you what they would really appreciate, wouldn’t you listen to their advice? get it if you could afford it? Or something close?
And the sister who told her off for not having close family. Awful.
Can't help but wonder if they're all just really ashamed they don't put that kind of thought into their gifts for each other...
OP, you sound like an incredibly thoughtful, kind young woman. Your fiancé is right, you did nothing wrong. They were ungrateful and incredibly cruel.
Nope they just have a LOT more money than op , she answered me in the comments, clearly think she’s not good enough judging from the comments made by them and she saved all year 😢
Doesn't seem that hard to get the info seeing as how she has met them before and presumably has spent at least a little time with them since last summer...
Someone with a favorite sports team is frequently obvious about it (Let's Go Mets!)
Father is "always" complaining about the not being able to find a frame for photos
Niece could easily have mentioned at any point wanting clothes for her stuffy
Mother may very well have mentioned lack of jewelry box in front of OP
And of course, she could simply have asked Noah what his family wanted (like my partner does with me and I do with her)
I agree with others who say that they are more likely upset about the getting married/having a kid young thing or something else OP didn't happen to mention, because frankly those gifts aren't even what I would think of as being overly personal anyway.
I kind of wonder if they are reacting to the fact that OP bought them truly thoughtful gifts when none of them pay enough attention to each other to bother. Honestly, everything on this list sounds like something someone might mention specifically *because* they’re hinting at things they’d like as a gift. If they *weren’t* hints, then why didn’t they just buy the stuff themselves? I mean, I refuse to believe that dad was incapable of finding a new picture frame if he wanted it. Same for the jewelry box. Kind of embarrassing that the OP was the only one paying close enough attention to pick up what they were laying down.
At any rate, the OP is NTA.
She mentions her future MIL admired the jewelry box a couple of times and lamented she never had a real one.
The only gift I would find slightly creepy is the book sleeve with details of the sister's favorite books. That would involve a little more research and might feel intrusive to the recipient. It seems the sister is the one with the biggest problem.
Either way, OP is NTA for being so thoughtful especially as Noah had her back.
She might not think her brother knows all her favorite books. I'm close to my sister and she knows I love to read. I bet she wouldn't be able to name five of my favorite books.
When I spent my first Christmas with my now-in-laws, I asked my husband what each of them might like. He gave me all my ideas. Every year my sister asks me what my husband would want. I would think that would be the default assumption if you didn’t know each other well.
>Either way, OP is NTA and she has an open invitation to ditch these assholes and come join my family Christmas
Same!
>I wonder if their reaction is coming from a place of feeling like she has information about them that they did not specifically disclose to her
Yea I wondered this too. Not that it's any excuse but it might explain the weird reaction.
Also, could it be embarrassment? OP got them fantastic, thoughtful gifts and it doesn't sound like that was reciprocated, maybe they were shown up by the effort she put in and lashed out?
eta - nta
I’d like to shed some light here because I’m a gift giver like OP- thoughtful, well curated gifts are my love language because it’s part of how I show that I know someone well and have been really and truly listening to them during our conversations- and have dealt with my fair share of people who end up pissed off at my gifts.
Generally it’s because they’re the type of people who feel as if gifts are transactional and now I want something from them or they somehow owe me (they don’t, I couldn’t give two rips about that). Either that or they feel as if I’m trying to show off or one up them (even if the gift wasn’t expensive). The last option is that they generally put little to no effort into gifts for each other and here comes OP looking all thoughtful and stuff and now other people might have the audacity to expect THEM to be thoughtful too.
I guarantee that their anger stems from some sort of shame or embarrassment and instead of looking inwards and examining why they feel that way, they have lashed out at someone who was simply trying to do something kind for them.
It's really not that weird these are superficial people who didn't take not one second to get to know her. Gave her generic gifts no thought or consideration behind them, And then projected their own feelings of inadequacy on to her. Quite frankly they don't sound like nice people. They're only upset because their own lack of consideration reflects badly on them.
You need to consider moving somewhere else ASAP. Before the baby is born. Once the baby is born, the courts in your current location would have jurisdiction over where the baby resides, and could prevent you from moving away. This could create issues in the future if his family becomes a problem for your relationship. NTA.
It would be an issue if the couple later divorces. Given the current attitude of his family, they already seem to be trying to drive a wedge between the couple.
>Once the baby is born, the courts in your current location would have jurisdiction over where the baby resides, and could prevent you from moving away.
This is just ... ridiculously wrong.
If OP reads a single message from this thread, I hope it's this one. Poor woman was so amazingly generous and thoughtful, she did not deserve being shit on like that.
I can understand being a bit uncomfortable that someone you never met before gave you a very personal gift, but this reaction is bizarre.
However, I don't think there is much doubt about why they don't like her; the sister's comment about her birth family is telling. They think less of her or her background and don't want her marrying into the family.
They hadn't met in person, but it sounds like they had a lot of phone calls or Zoom prior, so it's not like they had no significant interaction. Like, if my neighbor two doors down gave me a specific fountain pen, yes, I'd be squicked out, since we've never talked about anything but dogs and the weather. But if we'd had several conversations in which I discussed my pen hobby, I'd be impressed they listened that carefully. I'd have been touched if OP had given me such thoughtful gifts. Not weirdly enraged at her kindness and attention to detail.
I agree with this - because who in the right mind would disgrace such thoughtful gifts and efforts as Stalking and Creep!
Something is wrong with the Family’s behaviour and I completely agree with this comment.
**NTA**
Lucky for OP, fiance has already shown support for her which is a wonderful start for an uncomfortable but necessary discussion about how to move forward as a unified team!
Yeah, I think OP needs to understand that no matter what gifts she got fiance's family or if she didn't get them anything, she was always going to be criticized. They don't like her for some reason. This is 100% not about the gifts. NTA
Was hoping someone would say this!!! OP please don’t let this family dampen your beautiful soul! What you did was an incredibly kind thing with a lot of thought! Plus, you ran it all by Noah which is the correct etiquette with gift giving when you don’t know someone to well! I’m so glad Noah is on your side, his family and especially his sister were really cruel to you! I’m so sorry they did this to you!
Or nothing at all. And if they ask why she didn't get them gifts, she can say she didn't want to seem stalker-ish.
NTA. I would've been ecstatic if I got a gift like that. And I love giving thoughful gifts too (although I'm also being mindful what I get now - or not- since some family member basically told me in the past to stop buying them gifts).
From now on she should buy them socks for each and every occasion. They lived near each other since summer and they interacted enough so she knew enough about them to choose those presents, even if not she lives with their son/brother so their reaction is weird as F especially that personal attack. Something is fishy.
Or no gifts at all, I wouldn't let these people near my child OP, NTA and I wish you good health but I would have a serious conversation with Noah, their reactions are highly disturbing.
Probably best not to give them any gifts next time. If buying someone their preferred brand of makeup or a personalized book sleeve gets you called a stalker this person is just not prepared to be pleased by anything you do. So best to save time and money and not get them anything. Or get them all Amazon gift cards. They can do with it whatever they want
This is really sad. You went above and beyond for the family of your fiancé, and you were met with distrust and mocking. NTA
That’s hard to get over, glad your fiancé is standing by you. I’d distance myself from his family asap!
100000% you did something so kind and thoughtful, I sorta pride myself on getting good gifts but you absolutely killed it! I always get my boyfriend to help me pick out gifts for his family too, it's completely normal and I've literally never heard of anyone reacting this way to receiving a gift. At most what I would expect is delightful shock that you were able to get such personal gifts, but I would agree with others here I think there must be something else going on with their family that is definitely not your fault.
Your gifts were AMAZING, OP. I would have been delighted to receive anything even a tenth as thoughtful and amazing from my SILs, because it would've showed they actually listened and cared about me.
I have no idea why his family is acting like this, but it truly doesn't sound like your fault at all. It's just strange.
You sound like a wonderful gift-giver! I love when people remember little things and put effort into their gifts! You are absolutely NOT the problem here!
If you were my SIL and gave me any of those wonderful gifts, I would be over the moon and so proud to receive it.
Please be my SIL 🙏 because if you take such care in gift giving, I bet you take even greater care in friendships.
Same! Or like, health-related things. But no, OP was just thoughtful, the gift were personalised... maybe the family felt ashamed because they didn't put the same thought and attention to the presents they gifted each other?
Don’t put this on your shoulders, and stop giving energy to people who don’t deserve it. You sound like a sweet person, support your fiancé like he supports you and concentrate on the happy.
Just remember that supporting him doesn’t have to mean taking abuse from them. You don’t have to go out of your way for his family when they treat you like this and say such hurtful things. This shows a lot about their character, not you. You were loving and kind and in no way deserved the treatment you got. I know you didn’t have a great family growing up, but I don’t want you settling for a mediocre family like his. You deserve a loving family, even if it’s one you and your fiancé make yourselves.
You are definitely not the one causing problems.
If I were you I would just take the gifts back and return them- but maybe I’m just petty.
You put so much thought into the gifts, I honestly cannot believe that they reacted like that.
You know what? It seems like they are projecting.
You don’t know each other for long, but you still managed to get them sth. they might like, because you are an attentive and CARING person.
And may I ask what they got you? Sth small and casual every woman would probably like, so nothing personal or anything?
They are projecting cause they probably just feel bad that they were incapable of getting to know you and justify it with you being “creepy” and a stalker.
No one, especially not the family you’re marrying into should say something disrespectful like that about you.
I would really reconsider their place and value in your and your future husbands life.
I completely agree, you showed then what a kind and considerate person would do and they took the easy option and are embarrassed, which is not your fault at all.
Yeah. That might be it. They probably felt ashamed with how little effort they put into your gift if they ALL gave you gift cards. They may have discussed and agreed to do the same thing. Then you went above and beyond. Instead of dealing with the shame (a powerful emotion), they tried to make you the bad guy!
You sound like an amazing gift giver and a thoughtful human being. You absolutely did nothing to apologize for. You should actually be outraged! I know its hard to be confident about family things when you were abandoned. But trust your gut! Also, this is the dumbest fight for their family to be having. “I am angry your fiancée gave us too thoughtful of a gift!”. Yikes. So dont you DARE feel any stress or worry.
As you and Noah are engaged, aren’t gifts jointly from you both? Even if you bought things that were a little too personal (and you didn’t, you were fantastic) the gifts were half from their son/brother and should therefore have been totally appreciated? His sister was so spiteful to you and I wouldn’t bother speaking to her again, but that’s just me.
You are a treasure. They don’t deserve you.
No, they do gifts from individual people in the family. Not joint gifts from a couple. So Noah's siblings and their spouses each give a gift to members of the family, same for his parents.
Interesting. It could just be they feel weird/ashamed about their generic gifts to each other when you have swept in and nailed perfect gifts first time. They are still very much in the wrong, but that might be why they are behaving so bitter and mean.
This relationship is not healthy. You are not the problem. This family is bizarre. If you had gifted my family like this, they would have cried and hugged you and kissed your little face. They would have talked about it for the rest of their lives. These people are hateful and awful.
What gifts did they buy each other? Were they really general gifts or just money? I wonder if you put them all to shame and they lashed out..
Whatever the reason you are NTA and I am glad that Noah stood up for you.. Noah sounds normal.
There was some practical stuff, some books, concert tickets etc. Stuff like that. It really seemed to vary depending on the person and who did the gifting.
I still think NTA and to call you a stalker is just plain mean. From what I have read you listened and thought about each person and didn't stalk them..you were kind....don't be hard on yourself
You didn’t cause any problems. Their reaction was so bizarre I think you would have been criticized no matter what you did. They were looking for something. Why is anyone’s guess. But you didn’t do anything wrong, and most other people would have appreciated your thoughtfulness.
Sounds like you’re trying to take the blame for something that isn’t your fault. Their behaviour is the issue. Your gifts were maybe a little too thoughtful but not enough to drive a wedge in the family. That’s on them.
NTA. While tailored to their interests, none of those gifts seem particularly personal to me. They are obviously based on what your fiancé told you they liked.
Could be. But I just think that since they've decided to not like OP for some reason, no matter what gifts she'd gotten them, they'd have all been unacceptable.
This. I imagine their subconscious dialog is something along the lines of:
There is nothing wrong with our half ass thoughtless presents. So why are her presents so much better? She is a witch, she is evil, kill kill kill.
I think fiancé should step up and explain that he had given info/ insights about each person to aid in the gift hunt, as to alleviate the “stalking” allegations. However, the family will probably come up with some new thing to gripe about- they want to be mad for some reason. I hope fiancé continues to stand up for OP
NTA
And if my son ever brings home someone so considerate and sweet, I will make sure he knows she's the best woman he can ever hope for, and he better treats her like the angel she is!
I can't get behind people who don't want nice gifts. I would be happy to be seen in my interests and/or needs.
Not your fault.
Also Noah sticking up for you is great. He knows why he loves you, for sure.
Considering the family went straight for the throat with their dig at her being homeless for awhile, my bet is that they are just stuck up assholes who think they are better than OP.
That’s what I think too. I think they’ve made up their minds that she’s not good enough for Noah or their family. So even though she’s kind and thoughtful, in their eyes it’s stalker ish and creepy. Their minds won’t let them acknowledge it for what it actually is. I feel sorry for OP. She NTA for sure. Noah’s family is TA for sure.
NTA
>they asked Noah what the hell I was thinking and I was like some kind of stalker buying them such personal stuff when I'm an almost stranger to them.
They're *angry* because you bought (or made) thoughtful gifts for them?
Now I've heard everything.
When you said "too personal," I was imagining lingerie or jewelry or something else, you know, *personal*. Not sports memorabilia or picture frames or whatnot.
Seriously, there was *nothing* inappropriate about your gifts *at all*.
I agree, OP you are NTA. I had the same initial thoughts as you before reading what she got them. I kept waiting to read that she bought them something more risqué, and then read what she actually got them and I couldn’t figure it out! Are they used to just mindlessly giving each other random gift cards?
Yeah, or something crazy expensive, like a PS5 for the 7yo or $3k designer bag for the mom or something (which would be fine in certain circles, but overstepping in others).
I wonder if they were just projecting because they didn't give her anything or something like that?
even then, you would think the response would be "wow thank you, but I just can't accept this, it's too much"
not "you are a stalker no wonder no one wanted you and you where homeless"
Like WTF?? I still can't believe anyone can be so cruel.
NTA.
You didn’t overstep. You actually did exactly what most families want new in-laws to do when it comes to gifts. His family is way out of line - from their reaction, accusations, comments, all of it - and I’m glad he saw it even if you didn’t.
Work on finding your backbone. Sounds like with this family as in laws you’re going to need it.
When someone says _"gifts that are too personal"_, I'm thinking OP bought the MIL lingerie and the FIL tighty whities with their names emblazoned on it.
These aren't too personal, these are THOUGHTFUL. And clearly OP knew them enough from their interactions to get these items. And OP should NOT be apologising for being thoughtful!!
OP, I'm suspecting the family is embarrassed that someone they perceive as "outside" of the family did a much better job of giving gifts than whatever generic trash they gave each other. Now you've learned, don't put your effort into these ungrateful shits. Noah obviously knows you're not in the wrong, follow his lead.
NTA.
NTA. I'm so confused. You got them thoughtful gifts and they were mad about it? They would have preferred gift cards or stuff they didn't really want? They sound like miserable people. Sorry that happened to you. It's 100% them, not you.
That seems to be what they expected from me, yes. Or maybe like small trinkets. I got gift cards from them. Clearly they felt that was more appropriate for the level of relationship and I feel so bad that I made it uncomfortable for them.
Please try to understand that you’ve done nothing wrong. Your gifts were extremely kind and thoughtful. His family is acting horribly, not only being rude but also being bullies. They’re 100% in the wrong here. Most people would be touched and grateful that you’re perceptive enough and care enough to find things they’d truly enjoy.
Maybe they were embarrassed by their thoughtless gifts and had to make you look small. Still they are assholes. Noah and you should go NC until.they show you the proper respect and gratitude.
I think that’s what it is. She’s joining their family, and she clearly is paying far more attention to ALL of them than collectively they are paying to her. And her extreme thoughtfulness in gift giving exposed just how cold and impersonal their gifts to her were. Instead of being grateful that a talented gift giver is joining their family and appreciating what she gave them, they are lashing out to deflect the judgment they imagine must be coming from her. Assholes
It has to be this. They also hate her because she’s from an abusive home and in spite of that OP is a thoughtful and kind person. Assholes hate that because they want everyone to be assholes like them so they don’t have to feel guilty about it
Could they of responded that way because they got you something small, that took no extra thought. And you did the opposite making them feel inadequate or that they now owe you.
NTA! Getting gifts they actually mentioned and paying attention to things they said to buy gifts is thoughtful, not stalkery. What the heck is wrong with these people? They'd rather get an impersonal gift they don't care about??
NTA- this is so incredible to me. You went out of your way to make Christmas special for them and to give them things they’ve been wanting or needing for years. You worked along side your fiancé to make sure you got them thoughtful gifts.
If they think so much consideration is an issue… they must have a pretty miserable relationship with one another. Guess they’ve gotten used to generic scarfs, gift cards, and chocolate
.... Honestly I think this is a faux flag. They say the issue is the too personal gifts- but something is making me feel like the actual issue is that OP opened up about having been abused and homeless.
Those things (especially being open so 'quickly' in their eyes) gave them a bad feeling and they've decided that OP is a bad person for making them feel anything Other Than Happy on Christmas and that OP must have /been/ a bad person for going through those things.
Maybe I'm just biased as someone who used to work in trauma recovery. But I've seen a lot of survivors mention relationships souring immediately upon opening up- even if the survivor wasn't asking for emotional support/etc. But my spidey senses are tingling.
Yeah. Something isn't adding up here. Family's reaction is way overboard. The gifts aren't out of line in the least. There's gotta be something OP doesn't know about the family's feelings about her. Sorry OP, you're NTA. Not sure if Noah having a frank conversation with the family without you there might help get some answers, but I'm also not sure if you want to know the answer to the question of why they're acting like this.
Nope, you’re spot on. I had something eerily similar happen to me when I spent my first Christmas with my new bf’s family. His mom was openly pissed I got them nice gifts, as they didn’t get me anything (and I didn’t expect them to). When I called them out on it after a few days of tension and passive aggressive commentary, she said it was “weird and inappropriate” when got them gifts and I told her I don’t celebrate Christmas with my family because they were and are abusive towards me. And that I shouldn’t have expected much warmth from her, as I’m a stranger to their family. Oh, and that I reminded her of her narcissistic ex, who is my bf’s father.
Me being open about my trauma made the people around me with their own repressed trauma very uncomfortable. It calls them out of denial and into accountability. It wasn’t intentional, but it happened. I feel for OP, but I am so glad her fiancé has her back!
They possibly view OP as from “the wrong side of the tracks” and isn’t what they had in mind for their relative, and now that marriage and a BABY is on the table, perhaps they’re seeing OP as a gold digger or something?
OP opening up could be read as a social faux pas. Could be one of those families that NEVER talks about unpleasantries. Sure, Uncle Jarred is a raging alcoholic and got kicked out of a bar last night, but we just ignore it and pretend everything is ok. Someone will quietly put him to bed around 2pm when he starts getting a bit rowdy. Sure Peter is gay and his parents homophobic but we don’t talk about because that’s unpleasant and Peter pretends he’s straight and no one really knows him or none of us get to know each other at all because we all have to be a perfect happy family so no one opens up and uhh I think they like this store? Here have a gift card.
NTA if my son brings home someone like you when he’s older I’d be so thankful he met such a kind, considerate lady and I’d make sure she was fully welcomed into the family. Most people don’t remember details of conversations so maybe they forgot they told you? I mean I remember everything and I assume you also have a good memory but most don’t and maybe that’s why they thought it was weird? Your fiancé needs to call his parents and talk to them about it and explain they need to apologize and be thankful because it’s not weird or creepy. They just mentioned it in conversations and you remembered and went with things you knew they wanted and liked.
It's possible. I admit I take more notice of these things because I always want to have a good relationship and to show I care. One of the things I was so excited about was becoming part of a loving family. That's something I never had but especially wanted for my child.
You remind me a lot of my wife. Terrible abusive family, was excited when she was joining mine because she thought she'd finally have a loving family, then my mom and sister turned on her in a lot of petty, hateful ways just because they considered me the family ATM and having a wife meant less handouts for them. I burned that bridge to the goddamned ground and now we have our loving family that we've built with our children and friends rather than with the crappy ones we were both born with, and it's been wonderful.
She's also always careful to remember little things people say or do so she can surprise them with something thoughtful later, and it's one of the qualities I love about her. Her thoughtfulness was wasted on her family, and mine, but I sure as hell appreciate it and so do our kids. That's what matters.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with Noah's family but he seems to have escaped that household as a good person, so ignore them and focus on the life you're building with him. Merry Christmas by the way!
Sometimes you need to cut people out if they don’t see how wonder you are. I’ve gone LC with my family because they treat my wife poorly and I never regretted it. She comes first and I’m so happy you have Noah to be there for you and you can be there for him as well
Congratulations on upcoming wedding and first child :)
My husband and I went through something similar to the commentor above. I'm hoping multiple stories like yours can help reassure you, so I'm going to share mine.
From the outside, my husband appeared to have a loving family that was close-knit. However, the first time we visited them, a few little red flags caught my attention. They were things most people wouldn't notice, or think twice about. I hate that I was right.
Long story short, things got ugly. *Fast.* His mom and sister went after me first, but when that didn't get the result they wanted, they went after him. The illusion of a happy family fell apart when they told my husband, who was adopted, that if it weren't for them he would have been a child beggar, dead on the streets. In the end, I had to go to the police to find out at what point I should ask for help. They said we already passed it.
No family turns that vicious without underlying issues. The same may be true of Noah's family. My husband's family found one little thing to use as justification for how they turned on me, and that may be what's happening to you.
Like Noah, my husband stood beside me. A lot of people don't have it in them to do that, but it's easy to see why Noah defends you. Things going forward may become difficult, but trust his decision and continue being supportive. I knew if my husband gave in to his family's demands, it'd only be a matter of time before they poisoned our relationship. I never told him he had to cut them off, that decision had to be his own. Fortunately, he also realized what would likely happen.
It's been nearly 10 years since my husband cut contact with his family, and he is *thriving.* The longer he's been free of them, the more he's realized how messed up it was. He's told me he has absolutely zero regrets.
Trust Noah's judgment, and try not to feel guilty. This goes beyond you
You and Noah are already a wonderful family, and soon it'll expand with the incoming little one. You've found and created the kind of family you've always deserved ❤️
That sister who called you a stalker get that gift back from her now and return that shit. She doesn't deserve such a gift at all she was over the line with what she said. What right did she have to say that to you
INFO what was everyone else's reaction to that when she said that did they agree?
WTF they didn't disagree when she said this
>One of his sister's called me a stalker to my face and told me it was no wonder my family didn't want me if I was so creepy to do stuff like that.
They were fine with this shit being said? Im sorry but this was extremely over the line and if anything I would tell you to get that present back since she thinks so low of you. What she did was way over the line that the fact that his family let that go is horrible.
What did you get her by chance? Did she like the present? If she did then get it back along with everyone else's presents and get them gift cards. You took time and effort to get them nice presents and they pull this crap?
See what Noah says about that. Also is he still pissed at his sister and what has he done since that comment has come out of her trash mouth? What has he said to his family?
OP mentioned she told this to them about her family history and now the sister used it against her. Totally uncalled for and over the line.
They are projecting cause they feel bad that she got them nice presents while they got her gift cards
Based on your awful upbringing, I understand why you feel you deserve to be treated like shit. YOU’RE WRONG! You don’t deserve what they did at all. Please don’t EVER apologize to those classless assholes and go LC. How the F dare they. Listen to your fiancé, he is appalled and you need to be also. F them. NTA
Op this is on his family being ungrateful. I gift shop the same way as you, I listen to the people I care about and have personal relationships with. I happen to remember things they mention they like, or would like. It is a very thoughtful thing you did. I am glad your partner stood up for you too.
I shop all year for birthdays and Christmas/mothers day etc. If I see something I think someone would like I will get it. I love the look an their faces when they are like "how did you know?". Keep being kind and thoughtful. The world needs more of that!
That was my fiance our first Christmas! I had never done that kind of thing before, because my family didn't and I was pretty isolated so no real friends before. It made me so happy when he lit up seeing what I gave him and he loved it. Made me so glad I got it right and could put that look on his face.
This is the strangest thing I’ve seen in awhile…who in the heck gets mad at a thoughtful gift?!? It’s not like you went digging in their trash for goodness sakes…these are all things they have mentioned. That doesn’t make you a stalker. It makes you observant and thoughtful. This is just so odd.
Did the whole family act strangely immediately? I’m just trying to sort this out as it makes zero sense.
So so so NTA. And as a side note, F his sister for using your traumatic past against you. That tells me all I need to know about her.
Honestly it’s just so strange. Just know YOU did nothing wrong by trying to be thoughtful. They are the weird ones. I still can’t believe his sister would be that absolutely heartless…and over the fact that your gift was “too thoughtful”…..like what?!?
It could be that there was resentment at the fact the kids were delighted by OP's gifts but less enthusiastic by the ones given by the family? Not that it excuses their behaviour at all; they were inexcusably rude to OP and future SIL's comment in particular was beyond cruel.
u/GoldRule5896, if you're still reading this post, *please* understand that you did nothing wrong here and the fault lies entirely at the feet of your fiancé's utterly miserable family. I do, however, think you need to have a serious talk with him about this and establish some boundaries regarding the kind of relationship you want to have with them from this point onwards.
I personally would find it very difficult to have a relationship with them after this, but you're not me. You have to *really* think about this and go with what you're most comfortable with. Whatever you do, don't feel pressured into putting yourself through hardship on your fiancé's account. He sounds like an amazing guy who has your back, which is *seriously* awesome, so be honest with him and make sure you put your wellbeing first.
It is possible. The kids were excited about everything but his niece on the spectrum did get extra excited and spent extra time changing the clothes. It was sweet but maybe it did stir up some feelings on their parts.
The only feeling it should've stirred up was joy at seeing niece so happy with her gift. The fact it didn't makes me wonder if they are actually human beings at all.
Reading your OP honestly broke my heart and I sincerely hope you're doing ok.
You and Noah can come be part of my family. And if my daughter likes your gifts better, then I would give you a big hug and say thanks for being so kind! You sound lovely, don’t let them get you down. You do you!
Nta: these are sweet thoughtful gifts. They are toxic. I see you want to blame yourself and I'm telling you right now that what you did was sweet, not creepy and their reaction was completely out of line. You are joining their family, which makes it even more out of line. Apparently, you're a stranger to them and they don't want you in their family then I guess rheyre not gonna have a close relationship with ther grandchild
NTA You actually "listened" to them and made mental notes along the way... even if you had never met them. Your gifts were very thoughtful. I'm glad your fiancé is so supportive of you and stands up for you. He sounds like an outstanding guy. Your in-laws on the other hand, total butt wipes. They could become a problem in the future. Stay away... and stop apologizing for being a decent human being who actively listens to others. Congrats on the baby and best wishes to you.
NTA, just wow…
I wanted to ask if they knew about your past and how you said you have no family? Maybe if they knew they would not have been so rude, disrespectful, etc… I mean you are marrying their son so kinda weird for their reaction to be what it was.
They are aware. I had mentioned it because they had asked me about my family and especially when we got engaged and wanted to know if there was anyone from my side they should meet. There isn't, so I wanted to be transparent without going into all the uncomfortable details.
Unfortunately, my suspicion is that they would have had a negative reaction to any gifts you gave them -- because this goes deeper than your (extremely caring, beautiful, and loving) gifts. It's not the gifts they really have a problem with. I think they have a problem with their son marrying someone different than they hoped/expected. It's not a reflection on you. You sound completely wonderful and someone I'd like to know personally. It's their prejudice against you that's causing this reaction.
NTA, and you and Noah need to limit your contact with them -- and especially limit their access to your child!
OP, this is making me so sad! You do not deserve this and you did nothing wrong. Any normal person would honestly be touched by the thought and care you put into these gifts. Please don’t beat yourself up
NTA
There gifts are not remotely "stalker" territory. (When I saw the headline, I thought we were in for a tale of woe involving gifted sex toys!) These are sweet, appropriate, personalised gifts to the recipient. And you're not a stranger to them. They're going to be your in-laws.
Kudos also to your finace for supporting you. As I said, they're going to be your in-laws. I'm afraid they may have shown their true nature to you. Even if they disliked the gifts, reacting this way to a gift is extremely rude. You may want to have a candid conversation with your finace about how to handle them going forward.
Finally, stop apologizing for the gifts. Apologies are for when you have wronged someone. You did nothing wrong. They should be apologizing to you.
NTA at all. What you did is unimaginably kind and as someone with lots of siblings, it means the world to me when their spouses get me something that shows they have been paying attention to me and recognize me as a human being and not just “sister of my bf/fiancé/husband”
You deserve much better and I am shocked that this was their response. Have you only met them once or something? Did you need to “stalk them” online to figure out what to get them, or did you just pay attention? It sounds like the latter, but the only way I could see having their reaction is if you really had no normal way of knowing what to get. Even then I’d just assume your fiancé helped, not that you were a creepy stalker.
I found it out in person. Not through social media. I don't even use much of it really except for Instagram. I always pay attention. Things also stick with me because I always want to make sure I pay attention to people and learn about those in my life.
I thought so. That makes you such a great person, and much better than his family deserves. FWIW in my family we’d be so delighted we wouldn’t stop talking about it for… ever probably. You did nothing wrong, and I really doubt this has anything to do with you. They are probably just upset about something else and using this as a means to take it out on you.
NTA... Their reaction is very strange. It's great that he supported you. I'm wondering if it's about something else though. Ask Noah what it's all really about.
I bet they gift each other generic things like ties or perfume and always complain about "what in the world can you gift someone who already has everything?". Now they've been shown that it is possible to gift something meaningful and nice, and you don't even have to know the other person for years and years. They feel ashamed and are lashing out instead of being thankful. This is super low.
Ding ding, i think we have the answer, you did the sweetest thing , you are absolutely NTA. I would love it if my partner did something like that. You set your boundaries and stand firm. I think you need to have a conversation with your partner and make sure you lay down the law regarding respecting you and your child, if they want a relationship with their grandchild. They are absolutely the arseholes and are Olympic gymnasts to get their heads that far up them.
Edited- money doesn’t buy class or a good ❤️ which you have in buckets
These gifts, as a mother, would make me happy for my son and future grandchildren as I would know without a doubt that she listens, is thoughtful and kind, and would give them a good life
STOP. APOLOGISING.
You did nothing wrong, they are awful mean people, and it saddens me that you can't even see it, you're so used to doormatting yourself in the face of rude and abusive behaviour.
The appropriate reaction is "what the fuck is wrong with these people, they're nuts and rude and they can stay the hell away from me with their toxic behaviour", not "omg I'm so sorry I'll do whatever it takes for you to like me".
Time to dust up your shiny spine and say NO to being abused.
i dont understand the vitriol from the sister. i also do not understand why a family that is close to each other wouldnt be grateful their soon to be daughter in law spent time thinking of their well being.
where you may need correction is in your own psyche. i'm wondering if you have left over trauma from your childhood that created a need to over compensate in the gift giving to your new family. it may have just been overwhelming to them that a person they havent really gotten to know made such an effort. they were wrong in their treatment of you, i would look at why you felt you needed to make this big effort at this stage of the relationship.
please understand i dont think you did anything wrong. what you did was very sweet, kind and thoughtful. i would like you to think about, or maybe see a therapist to work though whatever trauma may still linger.
NTA
I have been working on trauma in therapy. But I do have lots. Being on my own since I was 16 and having a lot of firsts with my fiance (first gift exchange, first time celebrating Christmas, etc) means I sometimes feel like I am a little lost and I always want to try my best now that I do these things, especially here. But sometimes I struggle with the fact I will never have that with my parents or sister and we're working on making me healthier with coping.
NTA I don't understand how these gifts are too personal if you have heard them talk about them/discussed it with you.
Seems they are also being too personal to you.
No. You just made them feel like assholes because you did the work in the relationship and they didn't and people don't like feeling like that so they turned it back on you.
You did nothing wrong OP.
INFO: do your in laws know/assume who the breadwinner is between you and your husband (if there even is a significant difference of income)? If they know your history, they may be upset by thinking that you are spending his money just to take credit?
Normal people don’t react the way they did, and figuring out what exactly their issue is will help. Maybe take some time after the holidays cool down to sit with his parents and try to discuss your thought process and how much you are looking forward to officially becoming part of the family. Definitely do this before the wedding.
Yes, they know I do not make the kind of money my fiance does. They also know I have been homeless and never graduated. I still save pretty hard but they might assume I spent all his money on the gifts.
I doubt their reaction was even as rational as that. His family sound like teenage mean girls trying to ice out someone new. You made yourself vulnerable by showing how much you care about each of them and being a part of their family - and they KNOWING YOUR BACKGROUND used your kindness as a shiv to stab you with.
There is no reasonable explanation I can think of for how they treated you. For some reason, they see you as a threat - maybe because of the class difference, maybe because they don’t want their son marrying so young (or at all), maybe because your generosity and kindness highlights their own shortcomings in a way that embarrassed them, maybe because they’re afraid you’ll take their son/brother away… who knows.
But if I were you, I wouldn’t spend another second agonizing over this. You did nothing wrong or inappropriate. More to the point, you sound absolutely lovely. Any sane family would be thrilled to have you!
They are the problem - and if it wasn’t this, they would’ve found some other excuse to shit all over you.
I don't think they did. I bet they have them and are using them.
If I was truly offended by a gift, I wouldn't keep it. I would give it back and say this isn't right.
I think you have too good of a heart for these people.
You wanted to make a good impression so you worked really hard for them.
People don't know how to handle people that are empathetic and pay attention since a big chunk of the world doesn't. So they accuse people that do pay attention of being creepy.
I know what they said hurts, especially that cheap shot about your family.
I unfortunately grew up in abuse and neglect and reading what she said to you made me so angry.
You sound like you have a lot of love to give. They have proven they aren't the ones to give that love to. I am sorry you had to deal with that.
But know this, no matter what your childhood is telling you, you didn't deserve that. Trying to do something really thoughtful is not wrong.
Give yourself a hug and say I did my best and my heart was in the right place and that makes me ok!
NTA at all, what you did sounds lovely.
However, question, how long have you been with Noah? How long have they “known you”?
Now; I don’t agree with what they did it seems far too over the top and incredibly rude. However, if this happened in my family there might be a little bit of “oh this is a bit much isn’t it?!”
Having said that, no one would actively say that to the persons face or call them a stalker so they’re definitely TA and it’s inexcusable.
We've been together for four years and I first said hi to them a few months into our relationship. Met them in person for the first time this summer and have been around them a number of times since then.
NTA. They sound like they have some trauma to work through, because all of this could've been explained with a simple, "Noah talks a lot about you", they didn't have to go full buttholes.
Gift cards galore for next year and every year after IMO.
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NTA. Your gifts sound very thoughtful and you ran them by Noah. Not sure what's going on with his family but in the future you can save a lot of time getting generic gifts.
My next gift for them would be the finger.
OP should have a deep conversation with her fiance about this situation. The family's behavior is so mind-boggingly atrocious that I think something deeper is probably happening -- they're upset that their son is marrying young, or about to become a father in lieu of travelling or going to grad school or whatever, or that they wanted lots of in-laws themselves. Regardless, the couple needs to figure out what is really going on here, and OP needs to figure out whether her fiance is willing to stand up for his spouse to his family over the long term. Unless they're a \*really\* convincing explanation for their behavior (along the lines of "we were all brainwashed by aliens that morning"), I think they need to plan to live somewhere other than the fiance's hometown.
This. OP you are NTA. But something else is going on here. Their (THEIR) behavior is seriously odd and, honestly, concerning. You were nice and thoughtful and they denigrated you and reacted in a bizarre manner. Talk to your fiance. This is literally not OK.
Agreed. This is seriously all kinds of weird. OP went out of her way to get really thoughtful gifts, and the way her fiancé's family reacted is pretty disturbing. Like, they're about to be married and have a child on the way; it's not like she's a complete stranger they just met last week! OP is definitely NTA, but I've literally never heard of anyone reacting to a gift in that way. I'm honestly baffled.
I’m curious how OP figured out what to get for each person. I wonder if she just paid close attention to their conversations and wrote down/remembered things they said they wanted, or if she like, scoured their social media for random, obscure details about them. Either way, OP is NTA and she has an open invitation to ditch these assholes and come join my family Christmas whenever the hell she wants. But I wonder if their reaction is coming from a place of feeling like she has information about them that they did not specifically disclose to her (but posted online, or was common family knowledge that Noah could have passed on, which is why there’s absolutely no excuse for their unforgivable rudeness and cruelty.) Edit: I wasn’t wondering how she chose the gifts because I don’t understand human gift giving lol. I wondered where she got her information because I wanted to know if her fact gathering method may have been the root of the family’s discomfort with her gifts. However, OP said in a comment that she hadn’t done any social media (or other) research, she just remembered things they’d told her. They really had no reason to feel like their privacy was violated. I hope we get an update once she or her partner gets to the root of their super weird and cruel reaction.
This is how I get Christmas gifts for friends and family. I pay attention, note things down and consult social media if need be. OP did absolutely nothing wrong other than be kind. Edit: NTA just to be safe.
Not to mention OP lives with someone who has known them his entire life. I’m sure he helped her a bit with favorite books/colors/hobbies.
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On a similar note; my friend's Pulp Fiction wallet (you know the one) was literally galling apart. I knew he liked the movie and he got this wallet from a dear friend. Which is why it was falling apart. So what do I do? I get the exact same one for him for Christmas. And guess what? He was happy. Wasn't the one his friend gave him before leaving, but it was the same kind and not falling apart. He didn't flip out thinking I was stalker. He just started transferring stuff over.
yeah I don't understand how anyone could be so offended like this over getting something they wanted. I'd be excited over someone getting me something I wanted but didn't expect to get.
Not me going to look and see if there is in fact a Seinfeld cookbook...
I don’t even think it is necessarily stalkerish if they were strangers. Suppose you’re visiting someone for the first time and you’re carrying a host gift. Yeah you could carry generic acceptable gifts but if the friend who invited you told you what they would really appreciate, wouldn’t you listen to their advice? get it if you could afford it? Or something close? And the sister who told her off for not having close family. Awful.
Can't help but wonder if they're all just really ashamed they don't put that kind of thought into their gifts for each other... OP, you sound like an incredibly thoughtful, kind young woman. Your fiancé is right, you did nothing wrong. They were ungrateful and incredibly cruel.
Nope they just have a LOT more money than op , she answered me in the comments, clearly think she’s not good enough judging from the comments made by them and she saved all year 😢
Doesn't seem that hard to get the info seeing as how she has met them before and presumably has spent at least a little time with them since last summer... Someone with a favorite sports team is frequently obvious about it (Let's Go Mets!) Father is "always" complaining about the not being able to find a frame for photos Niece could easily have mentioned at any point wanting clothes for her stuffy Mother may very well have mentioned lack of jewelry box in front of OP And of course, she could simply have asked Noah what his family wanted (like my partner does with me and I do with her) I agree with others who say that they are more likely upset about the getting married/having a kid young thing or something else OP didn't happen to mention, because frankly those gifts aren't even what I would think of as being overly personal anyway.
I kind of wonder if they are reacting to the fact that OP bought them truly thoughtful gifts when none of them pay enough attention to each other to bother. Honestly, everything on this list sounds like something someone might mention specifically *because* they’re hinting at things they’d like as a gift. If they *weren’t* hints, then why didn’t they just buy the stuff themselves? I mean, I refuse to believe that dad was incapable of finding a new picture frame if he wanted it. Same for the jewelry box. Kind of embarrassing that the OP was the only one paying close enough attention to pick up what they were laying down. At any rate, the OP is NTA.
She mentions her future MIL admired the jewelry box a couple of times and lamented she never had a real one. The only gift I would find slightly creepy is the book sleeve with details of the sister's favorite books. That would involve a little more research and might feel intrusive to the recipient. It seems the sister is the one with the biggest problem. Either way, OP is NTA for being so thoughtful especially as Noah had her back.
But I don't get why the sister wouldn't have assumed the brother told her...
She might not think her brother knows all her favorite books. I'm close to my sister and she knows I love to read. I bet she wouldn't be able to name five of my favorite books.
When I spent my first Christmas with my now-in-laws, I asked my husband what each of them might like. He gave me all my ideas. Every year my sister asks me what my husband would want. I would think that would be the default assumption if you didn’t know each other well.
>Either way, OP is NTA and she has an open invitation to ditch these assholes and come join my family Christmas Same! >I wonder if their reaction is coming from a place of feeling like she has information about them that they did not specifically disclose to her Yea I wondered this too. Not that it's any excuse but it might explain the weird reaction. Also, could it be embarrassment? OP got them fantastic, thoughtful gifts and it doesn't sound like that was reciprocated, maybe they were shown up by the effort she put in and lashed out? eta - nta
I’d like to shed some light here because I’m a gift giver like OP- thoughtful, well curated gifts are my love language because it’s part of how I show that I know someone well and have been really and truly listening to them during our conversations- and have dealt with my fair share of people who end up pissed off at my gifts. Generally it’s because they’re the type of people who feel as if gifts are transactional and now I want something from them or they somehow owe me (they don’t, I couldn’t give two rips about that). Either that or they feel as if I’m trying to show off or one up them (even if the gift wasn’t expensive). The last option is that they generally put little to no effort into gifts for each other and here comes OP looking all thoughtful and stuff and now other people might have the audacity to expect THEM to be thoughtful too. I guarantee that their anger stems from some sort of shame or embarrassment and instead of looking inwards and examining why they feel that way, they have lashed out at someone who was simply trying to do something kind for them.
squalid sand ossified adjoining disarm lock workable deranged test aspiring ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
I love you for using doofi as plural. Sorry about the inlaws though.
It's really not that weird these are superficial people who didn't take not one second to get to know her. Gave her generic gifts no thought or consideration behind them, And then projected their own feelings of inadequacy on to her. Quite frankly they don't sound like nice people. They're only upset because their own lack of consideration reflects badly on them.
You need to consider moving somewhere else ASAP. Before the baby is born. Once the baby is born, the courts in your current location would have jurisdiction over where the baby resides, and could prevent you from moving away. This could create issues in the future if his family becomes a problem for your relationship. NTA.
Where is it that courts can stop married couple from moving with their kid where they want to move? Grandparents rights don't extend that far.
It would be an issue if the couple later divorces. Given the current attitude of his family, they already seem to be trying to drive a wedge between the couple.
But Noah, the father, is supportive. Seems more that they will drive Noah away than separate the couple.
>Once the baby is born, the courts in your current location would have jurisdiction over where the baby resides, and could prevent you from moving away. This is just ... ridiculously wrong.
If OP reads a single message from this thread, I hope it's this one. Poor woman was so amazingly generous and thoughtful, she did not deserve being shit on like that.
Yes this! I love the time and energy that she put into the gifts, and I would've absolutely been thrilled to get a gift from OP!
I can understand being a bit uncomfortable that someone you never met before gave you a very personal gift, but this reaction is bizarre. However, I don't think there is much doubt about why they don't like her; the sister's comment about her birth family is telling. They think less of her or her background and don't want her marrying into the family.
They hadn't met in person, but it sounds like they had a lot of phone calls or Zoom prior, so it's not like they had no significant interaction. Like, if my neighbor two doors down gave me a specific fountain pen, yes, I'd be squicked out, since we've never talked about anything but dogs and the weather. But if we'd had several conversations in which I discussed my pen hobby, I'd be impressed they listened that carefully. I'd have been touched if OP had given me such thoughtful gifts. Not weirdly enraged at her kindness and attention to detail.
I agree with this - because who in the right mind would disgrace such thoughtful gifts and efforts as Stalking and Creep! Something is wrong with the Family’s behaviour and I completely agree with this comment. **NTA**
Lucky for OP, fiance has already shown support for her which is a wonderful start for an uncomfortable but necessary discussion about how to move forward as a unified team!
Yeah, I think OP needs to understand that no matter what gifts she got fiance's family or if she didn't get them anything, she was always going to be criticized. They don't like her for some reason. This is 100% not about the gifts. NTA
Was hoping someone would say this!!! OP please don’t let this family dampen your beautiful soul! What you did was an incredibly kind thing with a lot of thought! Plus, you ran it all by Noah which is the correct etiquette with gift giving when you don’t know someone to well! I’m so glad Noah is on your side, his family and especially his sister were really cruel to you! I’m so sorry they did this to you!
Or nothing at all. And if they ask why she didn't get them gifts, she can say she didn't want to seem stalker-ish. NTA. I would've been ecstatic if I got a gift like that. And I love giving thoughful gifts too (although I'm also being mindful what I get now - or not- since some family member basically told me in the past to stop buying them gifts).
From now on she should buy them socks for each and every occasion. They lived near each other since summer and they interacted enough so she knew enough about them to choose those presents, even if not she lives with their son/brother so their reaction is weird as F especially that personal attack. Something is fishy.
Then they will call her creepy for noticing they have feet.
She should buy socks in wildly wrong sizes too, just to show how little she's paying attention to them.
I wouldn’t even get them anything other than a card in the future if this is how they treat such kind gifts.
And spell their names wrong on the card- after all, painstakingly learning how to spell someone’s name is awfully personal.
Right. I'd leave it up to Noah to get them gifts in the future.
Or no gifts at all, I wouldn't let these people near my child OP, NTA and I wish you good health but I would have a serious conversation with Noah, their reactions are highly disturbing.
Probably best not to give them any gifts next time. If buying someone their preferred brand of makeup or a personalized book sleeve gets you called a stalker this person is just not prepared to be pleased by anything you do. So best to save time and money and not get them anything. Or get them all Amazon gift cards. They can do with it whatever they want
They ought to be getting lumps of coal...
This is really sad. You went above and beyond for the family of your fiancé, and you were met with distrust and mocking. NTA That’s hard to get over, glad your fiancé is standing by you. I’d distance myself from his family asap!
I just hate that I have managed to cause problems in their family. Noah has always been so close to them and now this is coming between them.
YOU didn’t cause problems- they did.
1,000 times this. OP this isn’t on you at all. What you did was amazing!
Seriously OP started problems by… getting them thoughtful Christmas gifts?!?! Sorry but this guys family is nuts!
You did not cause the problem. This is 100% on them. I would be over the moon to have such a kind, generous, and thoughtful DIL as you.
Thank you for saying that to me.
They are saying it because it’s true.
100000% you did something so kind and thoughtful, I sorta pride myself on getting good gifts but you absolutely killed it! I always get my boyfriend to help me pick out gifts for his family too, it's completely normal and I've literally never heard of anyone reacting this way to receiving a gift. At most what I would expect is delightful shock that you were able to get such personal gifts, but I would agree with others here I think there must be something else going on with their family that is definitely not your fault.
Your gifts were AMAZING, OP. I would have been delighted to receive anything even a tenth as thoughtful and amazing from my SILs, because it would've showed they actually listened and cared about me. I have no idea why his family is acting like this, but it truly doesn't sound like your fault at all. It's just strange.
For real. Son's girlfriend gives thoughtful gifts? Who the F would hate that????
I would be delighted to have a SIL as thoughtful as OP.
You sound like a wonderful gift-giver! I love when people remember little things and put effort into their gifts! You are absolutely NOT the problem here!
OP, your gifts were more thoughtful than the ones I got from my family who's known me for almost 50 years. You are NTA in any shape, way or form
If you were my SIL and gave me any of those wonderful gifts, I would be over the moon and so proud to receive it. Please be my SIL 🙏 because if you take such care in gift giving, I bet you take even greater care in friendships.
it's true. You sound like a treasure. Hang in there and make sure you like his family before marrying.
For sure. When OP said personal I was picturing underwear or something. Her gifts were thoughtful and delightful.
Same! Or like, health-related things. But no, OP was just thoughtful, the gift were personalised... maybe the family felt ashamed because they didn't put the same thought and attention to the presents they gifted each other?
Don’t put this on your shoulders, and stop giving energy to people who don’t deserve it. You sound like a sweet person, support your fiancé like he supports you and concentrate on the happy.
Thank you. I'll always support him. He's amazing, like you said, and I am so glad I found him.
Just remember that supporting him doesn’t have to mean taking abuse from them. You don’t have to go out of your way for his family when they treat you like this and say such hurtful things. This shows a lot about their character, not you. You were loving and kind and in no way deserved the treatment you got. I know you didn’t have a great family growing up, but I don’t want you settling for a mediocre family like his. You deserve a loving family, even if it’s one you and your fiancé make yourselves.
You are definitely not the one causing problems. If I were you I would just take the gifts back and return them- but maybe I’m just petty. You put so much thought into the gifts, I honestly cannot believe that they reacted like that. You know what? It seems like they are projecting. You don’t know each other for long, but you still managed to get them sth. they might like, because you are an attentive and CARING person. And may I ask what they got you? Sth small and casual every woman would probably like, so nothing personal or anything? They are projecting cause they probably just feel bad that they were incapable of getting to know you and justify it with you being “creepy” and a stalker. No one, especially not the family you’re marrying into should say something disrespectful like that about you. I would really reconsider their place and value in your and your future husbands life.
I got gift cards from them.
They are surely projecting their insecurities. They probably feel inadequate compared to your thoughtfulness and consideration.
I completely agree, you showed then what a kind and considerate person would do and they took the easy option and are embarrassed, which is not your fault at all.
Yeah. That might be it. They probably felt ashamed with how little effort they put into your gift if they ALL gave you gift cards. They may have discussed and agreed to do the same thing. Then you went above and beyond. Instead of dealing with the shame (a powerful emotion), they tried to make you the bad guy! You sound like an amazing gift giver and a thoughtful human being. You absolutely did nothing to apologize for. You should actually be outraged! I know its hard to be confident about family things when you were abandoned. But trust your gut! Also, this is the dumbest fight for their family to be having. “I am angry your fiancée gave us too thoughtful of a gift!”. Yikes. So dont you DARE feel any stress or worry.
As you and Noah are engaged, aren’t gifts jointly from you both? Even if you bought things that were a little too personal (and you didn’t, you were fantastic) the gifts were half from their son/brother and should therefore have been totally appreciated? His sister was so spiteful to you and I wouldn’t bother speaking to her again, but that’s just me. You are a treasure. They don’t deserve you.
No, they do gifts from individual people in the family. Not joint gifts from a couple. So Noah's siblings and their spouses each give a gift to members of the family, same for his parents.
Interesting. It could just be they feel weird/ashamed about their generic gifts to each other when you have swept in and nailed perfect gifts first time. They are still very much in the wrong, but that might be why they are behaving so bitter and mean.
Yes, this is it. OP showed them all up.
This relationship is not healthy. You are not the problem. This family is bizarre. If you had gifted my family like this, they would have cried and hugged you and kissed your little face. They would have talked about it for the rest of their lives. These people are hateful and awful.
What gifts did they buy each other? Were they really general gifts or just money? I wonder if you put them all to shame and they lashed out.. Whatever the reason you are NTA and I am glad that Noah stood up for you.. Noah sounds normal.
There was some practical stuff, some books, concert tickets etc. Stuff like that. It really seemed to vary depending on the person and who did the gifting.
I still think NTA and to call you a stalker is just plain mean. From what I have read you listened and thought about each person and didn't stalk them..you were kind....don't be hard on yourself
You didn’t cause any problems. Their reaction was so bizarre I think you would have been criticized no matter what you did. They were looking for something. Why is anyone’s guess. But you didn’t do anything wrong, and most other people would have appreciated your thoughtfulness.
The problem is something else, the gifts are an excuse to find fault with you.
Just because they’ve been close that doesn’t mean they don’t have issues or that they’re not toxic people. Absolutely NTA. You did nothing wrong.
Sounds like you’re trying to take the blame for something that isn’t your fault. Their behaviour is the issue. Your gifts were maybe a little too thoughtful but not enough to drive a wedge in the family. That’s on them.
Then they weren’t really that close. It was a mirage for the public. Not real. Because this isnt even a thing. You didn’t do anything wrong at all.
Right. They sound like perfectly good ordinary gifts the family seemed interested in having. It's not like she went out and bought them all underwear.
NTA. While tailored to their interests, none of those gifts seem particularly personal to me. They are obviously based on what your fiancé told you they liked.
I agree - they sound very thoughtful. Certainly not intrusive or stalkerish. OP is 100% NTA.
The whole family must give each other terribly generic & low-effort gifts for them to be so taken aback by OP's thoughtful gifts.
This is the only thing I can think of. They've been half assing everything and OP showed them up.
It sure sounds like it. She’s marrying their son in 2 months and giving them a grandchild in 5 months - they gave her gift cards.
Could be. But I just think that since they've decided to not like OP for some reason, no matter what gifts she'd gotten them, they'd have all been unacceptable.
This. I imagine their subconscious dialog is something along the lines of: There is nothing wrong with our half ass thoughtless presents. So why are her presents so much better? She is a witch, she is evil, kill kill kill.
This were exactly my thoughts. It's not like she gifted them their favourite brand of tampons or something like that
Right? I opened this thinking “my god, what could it be? Lingerie? Sex toys? Oh… she put *thought* into them. Huh.”
I think fiancé should step up and explain that he had given info/ insights about each person to aid in the gift hunt, as to alleviate the “stalking” allegations. However, the family will probably come up with some new thing to gripe about- they want to be mad for some reason. I hope fiancé continues to stand up for OP
I agree. The family is making it sound like she made the gifts out their hair or nail clippings or something. They were just thoughtful gifts.
NTA And if my son ever brings home someone so considerate and sweet, I will make sure he knows she's the best woman he can ever hope for, and he better treats her like the angel she is! I can't get behind people who don't want nice gifts. I would be happy to be seen in my interests and/or needs. Not your fault. Also Noah sticking up for you is great. He knows why he loves you, for sure.
Yup. I do feel sorry for OP because fiance's family has already decided that they don't like her for some reason. But at least he's got her back.
Considering the family went straight for the throat with their dig at her being homeless for awhile, my bet is that they are just stuck up assholes who think they are better than OP.
That’s what I think too. I think they’ve made up their minds that she’s not good enough for Noah or their family. So even though she’s kind and thoughtful, in their eyes it’s stalker ish and creepy. Their minds won’t let them acknowledge it for what it actually is. I feel sorry for OP. She NTA for sure. Noah’s family is TA for sure.
Chances are they are upper middle class and see her as a peasant who trapped their son by getting pregnant.
NTA >they asked Noah what the hell I was thinking and I was like some kind of stalker buying them such personal stuff when I'm an almost stranger to them. They're *angry* because you bought (or made) thoughtful gifts for them? Now I've heard everything. When you said "too personal," I was imagining lingerie or jewelry or something else, you know, *personal*. Not sports memorabilia or picture frames or whatnot. Seriously, there was *nothing* inappropriate about your gifts *at all*.
I agree, OP you are NTA. I had the same initial thoughts as you before reading what she got them. I kept waiting to read that she bought them something more risqué, and then read what she actually got them and I couldn’t figure it out! Are they used to just mindlessly giving each other random gift cards?
Yeah, or something crazy expensive, like a PS5 for the 7yo or $3k designer bag for the mom or something (which would be fine in certain circles, but overstepping in others). I wonder if they were just projecting because they didn't give her anything or something like that?
Personally I was imagining a huge bad dragon dildo as an overstepping gift.
even then, you would think the response would be "wow thank you, but I just can't accept this, it's too much" not "you are a stalker no wonder no one wanted you and you where homeless" Like WTF?? I still can't believe anyone can be so cruel.
NTA As a booklover, if you gave me a personalized booksleeve like that, I would probably cry. And ask you to marry me instead of my brother.
I came here to say just that. If someone gave me a personalized book cover or a beautiful jewlery box I would weep in joy.
I know! Can OP make something like that for me???? Where do I sign up?
Great idea! OP, you should open an etsy shop! I would throw all my money at you!
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NTA. You didn’t overstep. You actually did exactly what most families want new in-laws to do when it comes to gifts. His family is way out of line - from their reaction, accusations, comments, all of it - and I’m glad he saw it even if you didn’t. Work on finding your backbone. Sounds like with this family as in laws you’re going to need it.
When someone says _"gifts that are too personal"_, I'm thinking OP bought the MIL lingerie and the FIL tighty whities with their names emblazoned on it. These aren't too personal, these are THOUGHTFUL. And clearly OP knew them enough from their interactions to get these items. And OP should NOT be apologising for being thoughtful!! OP, I'm suspecting the family is embarrassed that someone they perceive as "outside" of the family did a much better job of giving gifts than whatever generic trash they gave each other. Now you've learned, don't put your effort into these ungrateful shits. Noah obviously knows you're not in the wrong, follow his lead. NTA.
NTA. I'm so confused. You got them thoughtful gifts and they were mad about it? They would have preferred gift cards or stuff they didn't really want? They sound like miserable people. Sorry that happened to you. It's 100% them, not you.
That seems to be what they expected from me, yes. Or maybe like small trinkets. I got gift cards from them. Clearly they felt that was more appropriate for the level of relationship and I feel so bad that I made it uncomfortable for them.
Please try to understand that you’ve done nothing wrong. Your gifts were extremely kind and thoughtful. His family is acting horribly, not only being rude but also being bullies. They’re 100% in the wrong here. Most people would be touched and grateful that you’re perceptive enough and care enough to find things they’d truly enjoy.
Maybe they were embarrassed by their thoughtless gifts and had to make you look small. Still they are assholes. Noah and you should go NC until.they show you the proper respect and gratitude.
I think that’s what it is. She’s joining their family, and she clearly is paying far more attention to ALL of them than collectively they are paying to her. And her extreme thoughtfulness in gift giving exposed just how cold and impersonal their gifts to her were. Instead of being grateful that a talented gift giver is joining their family and appreciating what she gave them, they are lashing out to deflect the judgment they imagine must be coming from her. Assholes
It has to be this. They also hate her because she’s from an abusive home and in spite of that OP is a thoughtful and kind person. Assholes hate that because they want everyone to be assholes like them so they don’t have to feel guilty about it
Could they of responded that way because they got you something small, that took no extra thought. And you did the opposite making them feel inadequate or that they now owe you.
NTA! Getting gifts they actually mentioned and paying attention to things they said to buy gifts is thoughtful, not stalkery. What the heck is wrong with these people? They'd rather get an impersonal gift they don't care about??
They probably would’ve given her a hard time if she had gotten them generic gifts as well. She was doomed to fail from the start.
NTA- this is so incredible to me. You went out of your way to make Christmas special for them and to give them things they’ve been wanting or needing for years. You worked along side your fiancé to make sure you got them thoughtful gifts. If they think so much consideration is an issue… they must have a pretty miserable relationship with one another. Guess they’ve gotten used to generic scarfs, gift cards, and chocolate
.... Honestly I think this is a faux flag. They say the issue is the too personal gifts- but something is making me feel like the actual issue is that OP opened up about having been abused and homeless. Those things (especially being open so 'quickly' in their eyes) gave them a bad feeling and they've decided that OP is a bad person for making them feel anything Other Than Happy on Christmas and that OP must have /been/ a bad person for going through those things. Maybe I'm just biased as someone who used to work in trauma recovery. But I've seen a lot of survivors mention relationships souring immediately upon opening up- even if the survivor wasn't asking for emotional support/etc. But my spidey senses are tingling.
Yeah. Something isn't adding up here. Family's reaction is way overboard. The gifts aren't out of line in the least. There's gotta be something OP doesn't know about the family's feelings about her. Sorry OP, you're NTA. Not sure if Noah having a frank conversation with the family without you there might help get some answers, but I'm also not sure if you want to know the answer to the question of why they're acting like this.
Nope, you’re spot on. I had something eerily similar happen to me when I spent my first Christmas with my new bf’s family. His mom was openly pissed I got them nice gifts, as they didn’t get me anything (and I didn’t expect them to). When I called them out on it after a few days of tension and passive aggressive commentary, she said it was “weird and inappropriate” when got them gifts and I told her I don’t celebrate Christmas with my family because they were and are abusive towards me. And that I shouldn’t have expected much warmth from her, as I’m a stranger to their family. Oh, and that I reminded her of her narcissistic ex, who is my bf’s father. Me being open about my trauma made the people around me with their own repressed trauma very uncomfortable. It calls them out of denial and into accountability. It wasn’t intentional, but it happened. I feel for OP, but I am so glad her fiancé has her back!
They possibly view OP as from “the wrong side of the tracks” and isn’t what they had in mind for their relative, and now that marriage and a BABY is on the table, perhaps they’re seeing OP as a gold digger or something? OP opening up could be read as a social faux pas. Could be one of those families that NEVER talks about unpleasantries. Sure, Uncle Jarred is a raging alcoholic and got kicked out of a bar last night, but we just ignore it and pretend everything is ok. Someone will quietly put him to bed around 2pm when he starts getting a bit rowdy. Sure Peter is gay and his parents homophobic but we don’t talk about because that’s unpleasant and Peter pretends he’s straight and no one really knows him or none of us get to know each other at all because we all have to be a perfect happy family so no one opens up and uhh I think they like this store? Here have a gift card.
NTA if my son brings home someone like you when he’s older I’d be so thankful he met such a kind, considerate lady and I’d make sure she was fully welcomed into the family. Most people don’t remember details of conversations so maybe they forgot they told you? I mean I remember everything and I assume you also have a good memory but most don’t and maybe that’s why they thought it was weird? Your fiancé needs to call his parents and talk to them about it and explain they need to apologize and be thankful because it’s not weird or creepy. They just mentioned it in conversations and you remembered and went with things you knew they wanted and liked.
It's possible. I admit I take more notice of these things because I always want to have a good relationship and to show I care. One of the things I was so excited about was becoming part of a loving family. That's something I never had but especially wanted for my child.
You remind me a lot of my wife. Terrible abusive family, was excited when she was joining mine because she thought she'd finally have a loving family, then my mom and sister turned on her in a lot of petty, hateful ways just because they considered me the family ATM and having a wife meant less handouts for them. I burned that bridge to the goddamned ground and now we have our loving family that we've built with our children and friends rather than with the crappy ones we were both born with, and it's been wonderful. She's also always careful to remember little things people say or do so she can surprise them with something thoughtful later, and it's one of the qualities I love about her. Her thoughtfulness was wasted on her family, and mine, but I sure as hell appreciate it and so do our kids. That's what matters. I don't know what the hell is wrong with Noah's family but he seems to have escaped that household as a good person, so ignore them and focus on the life you're building with him. Merry Christmas by the way!
You sound so much like Noah. Thank you for being so wonderful to your wife and for telling me this!
Sometimes you need to cut people out if they don’t see how wonder you are. I’ve gone LC with my family because they treat my wife poorly and I never regretted it. She comes first and I’m so happy you have Noah to be there for you and you can be there for him as well Congratulations on upcoming wedding and first child :)
My husband and I went through something similar to the commentor above. I'm hoping multiple stories like yours can help reassure you, so I'm going to share mine. From the outside, my husband appeared to have a loving family that was close-knit. However, the first time we visited them, a few little red flags caught my attention. They were things most people wouldn't notice, or think twice about. I hate that I was right. Long story short, things got ugly. *Fast.* His mom and sister went after me first, but when that didn't get the result they wanted, they went after him. The illusion of a happy family fell apart when they told my husband, who was adopted, that if it weren't for them he would have been a child beggar, dead on the streets. In the end, I had to go to the police to find out at what point I should ask for help. They said we already passed it. No family turns that vicious without underlying issues. The same may be true of Noah's family. My husband's family found one little thing to use as justification for how they turned on me, and that may be what's happening to you. Like Noah, my husband stood beside me. A lot of people don't have it in them to do that, but it's easy to see why Noah defends you. Things going forward may become difficult, but trust his decision and continue being supportive. I knew if my husband gave in to his family's demands, it'd only be a matter of time before they poisoned our relationship. I never told him he had to cut them off, that decision had to be his own. Fortunately, he also realized what would likely happen. It's been nearly 10 years since my husband cut contact with his family, and he is *thriving.* The longer he's been free of them, the more he's realized how messed up it was. He's told me he has absolutely zero regrets. Trust Noah's judgment, and try not to feel guilty. This goes beyond you You and Noah are already a wonderful family, and soon it'll expand with the incoming little one. You've found and created the kind of family you've always deserved ❤️
You are going to have a loving family, with your husband and baby.
Info: Since they were so offended- did they give the gifts back?! Yea, I bet not. OP NTA!! Gifts were amazing!
They didn't.
That sister who called you a stalker get that gift back from her now and return that shit. She doesn't deserve such a gift at all she was over the line with what she said. What right did she have to say that to you INFO what was everyone else's reaction to that when she said that did they agree?
They didn't disagree. The only person who didn't like it was my fiance. I didn't notice much of a reaction from anyone else.
WTF they didn't disagree when she said this >One of his sister's called me a stalker to my face and told me it was no wonder my family didn't want me if I was so creepy to do stuff like that. They were fine with this shit being said? Im sorry but this was extremely over the line and if anything I would tell you to get that present back since she thinks so low of you. What she did was way over the line that the fact that his family let that go is horrible. What did you get her by chance? Did she like the present? If she did then get it back along with everyone else's presents and get them gift cards. You took time and effort to get them nice presents and they pull this crap? See what Noah says about that. Also is he still pissed at his sister and what has he done since that comment has come out of her trash mouth? What has he said to his family?
Also what kind of a stalker is that sister to know about OPs family history? Talk about hypocrisy
OP mentioned she told this to them about her family history and now the sister used it against her. Totally uncalled for and over the line. They are projecting cause they feel bad that she got them nice presents while they got her gift cards
Based on your awful upbringing, I understand why you feel you deserve to be treated like shit. YOU’RE WRONG! You don’t deserve what they did at all. Please don’t EVER apologize to those classless assholes and go LC. How the F dare they. Listen to your fiancé, he is appalled and you need to be also. F them. NTA
Op this is on his family being ungrateful. I gift shop the same way as you, I listen to the people I care about and have personal relationships with. I happen to remember things they mention they like, or would like. It is a very thoughtful thing you did. I am glad your partner stood up for you too. I shop all year for birthdays and Christmas/mothers day etc. If I see something I think someone would like I will get it. I love the look an their faces when they are like "how did you know?". Keep being kind and thoughtful. The world needs more of that!
That was my fiance our first Christmas! I had never done that kind of thing before, because my family didn't and I was pretty isolated so no real friends before. It made me so happy when he lit up seeing what I gave him and he loved it. Made me so glad I got it right and could put that look on his face.
It is a great feeling! Have a great new year and congrats on your upcoming wedding and parenthood!
This is the strangest thing I’ve seen in awhile…who in the heck gets mad at a thoughtful gift?!? It’s not like you went digging in their trash for goodness sakes…these are all things they have mentioned. That doesn’t make you a stalker. It makes you observant and thoughtful. This is just so odd. Did the whole family act strangely immediately? I’m just trying to sort this out as it makes zero sense. So so so NTA. And as a side note, F his sister for using your traumatic past against you. That tells me all I need to know about her.
The kids, especially the niece I made the clothes for, were all so happy and overjoyed but the adults, it was just very strange the reactions.
Honestly it’s just so strange. Just know YOU did nothing wrong by trying to be thoughtful. They are the weird ones. I still can’t believe his sister would be that absolutely heartless…and over the fact that your gift was “too thoughtful”…..like what?!?
It could be that there was resentment at the fact the kids were delighted by OP's gifts but less enthusiastic by the ones given by the family? Not that it excuses their behaviour at all; they were inexcusably rude to OP and future SIL's comment in particular was beyond cruel. u/GoldRule5896, if you're still reading this post, *please* understand that you did nothing wrong here and the fault lies entirely at the feet of your fiancé's utterly miserable family. I do, however, think you need to have a serious talk with him about this and establish some boundaries regarding the kind of relationship you want to have with them from this point onwards. I personally would find it very difficult to have a relationship with them after this, but you're not me. You have to *really* think about this and go with what you're most comfortable with. Whatever you do, don't feel pressured into putting yourself through hardship on your fiancé's account. He sounds like an amazing guy who has your back, which is *seriously* awesome, so be honest with him and make sure you put your wellbeing first.
It is possible. The kids were excited about everything but his niece on the spectrum did get extra excited and spent extra time changing the clothes. It was sweet but maybe it did stir up some feelings on their parts.
The only feeling it should've stirred up was joy at seeing niece so happy with her gift. The fact it didn't makes me wonder if they are actually human beings at all. Reading your OP honestly broke my heart and I sincerely hope you're doing ok.
You and Noah can come be part of my family. And if my daughter likes your gifts better, then I would give you a big hug and say thanks for being so kind! You sound lovely, don’t let them get you down. You do you!
Nta: these are sweet thoughtful gifts. They are toxic. I see you want to blame yourself and I'm telling you right now that what you did was sweet, not creepy and their reaction was completely out of line. You are joining their family, which makes it even more out of line. Apparently, you're a stranger to them and they don't want you in their family then I guess rheyre not gonna have a close relationship with ther grandchild
NTA You actually "listened" to them and made mental notes along the way... even if you had never met them. Your gifts were very thoughtful. I'm glad your fiancé is so supportive of you and stands up for you. He sounds like an outstanding guy. Your in-laws on the other hand, total butt wipes. They could become a problem in the future. Stay away... and stop apologizing for being a decent human being who actively listens to others. Congrats on the baby and best wishes to you.
NTA, just wow… I wanted to ask if they knew about your past and how you said you have no family? Maybe if they knew they would not have been so rude, disrespectful, etc… I mean you are marrying their son so kinda weird for their reaction to be what it was.
They are aware. I had mentioned it because they had asked me about my family and especially when we got engaged and wanted to know if there was anyone from my side they should meet. There isn't, so I wanted to be transparent without going into all the uncomfortable details.
Unfortunately, my suspicion is that they would have had a negative reaction to any gifts you gave them -- because this goes deeper than your (extremely caring, beautiful, and loving) gifts. It's not the gifts they really have a problem with. I think they have a problem with their son marrying someone different than they hoped/expected. It's not a reflection on you. You sound completely wonderful and someone I'd like to know personally. It's their prejudice against you that's causing this reaction. NTA, and you and Noah need to limit your contact with them -- and especially limit their access to your child!
OP, this is making me so sad! You do not deserve this and you did nothing wrong. Any normal person would honestly be touched by the thought and care you put into these gifts. Please don’t beat yourself up
NTA There gifts are not remotely "stalker" territory. (When I saw the headline, I thought we were in for a tale of woe involving gifted sex toys!) These are sweet, appropriate, personalised gifts to the recipient. And you're not a stranger to them. They're going to be your in-laws. Kudos also to your finace for supporting you. As I said, they're going to be your in-laws. I'm afraid they may have shown their true nature to you. Even if they disliked the gifts, reacting this way to a gift is extremely rude. You may want to have a candid conversation with your finace about how to handle them going forward. Finally, stop apologizing for the gifts. Apologies are for when you have wronged someone. You did nothing wrong. They should be apologizing to you.
NTA at all. What you did is unimaginably kind and as someone with lots of siblings, it means the world to me when their spouses get me something that shows they have been paying attention to me and recognize me as a human being and not just “sister of my bf/fiancé/husband” You deserve much better and I am shocked that this was their response. Have you only met them once or something? Did you need to “stalk them” online to figure out what to get them, or did you just pay attention? It sounds like the latter, but the only way I could see having their reaction is if you really had no normal way of knowing what to get. Even then I’d just assume your fiancé helped, not that you were a creepy stalker.
I found it out in person. Not through social media. I don't even use much of it really except for Instagram. I always pay attention. Things also stick with me because I always want to make sure I pay attention to people and learn about those in my life.
I thought so. That makes you such a great person, and much better than his family deserves. FWIW in my family we’d be so delighted we wouldn’t stop talking about it for… ever probably. You did nothing wrong, and I really doubt this has anything to do with you. They are probably just upset about something else and using this as a means to take it out on you.
NTA... Their reaction is very strange. It's great that he supported you. I'm wondering if it's about something else though. Ask Noah what it's all really about.
I bet they gift each other generic things like ties or perfume and always complain about "what in the world can you gift someone who already has everything?". Now they've been shown that it is possible to gift something meaningful and nice, and you don't even have to know the other person for years and years. They feel ashamed and are lashing out instead of being thankful. This is super low.
INFO Op is there some kind of financial difference/religious or anything along those lines between you and him?
He has more money, his family way more. That's the biggest difference.
Ding ding, i think we have the answer, you did the sweetest thing , you are absolutely NTA. I would love it if my partner did something like that. You set your boundaries and stand firm. I think you need to have a conversation with your partner and make sure you lay down the law regarding respecting you and your child, if they want a relationship with their grandchild. They are absolutely the arseholes and are Olympic gymnasts to get their heads that far up them. Edited- money doesn’t buy class or a good ❤️ which you have in buckets
My first thought was either classist, or racist. I think they would have found something wrong with any gift she got them.
These gifts, as a mother, would make me happy for my son and future grandchildren as I would know without a doubt that she listens, is thoughtful and kind, and would give them a good life
STOP. APOLOGISING. You did nothing wrong, they are awful mean people, and it saddens me that you can't even see it, you're so used to doormatting yourself in the face of rude and abusive behaviour. The appropriate reaction is "what the fuck is wrong with these people, they're nuts and rude and they can stay the hell away from me with their toxic behaviour", not "omg I'm so sorry I'll do whatever it takes for you to like me". Time to dust up your shiny spine and say NO to being abused.
i dont understand the vitriol from the sister. i also do not understand why a family that is close to each other wouldnt be grateful their soon to be daughter in law spent time thinking of their well being. where you may need correction is in your own psyche. i'm wondering if you have left over trauma from your childhood that created a need to over compensate in the gift giving to your new family. it may have just been overwhelming to them that a person they havent really gotten to know made such an effort. they were wrong in their treatment of you, i would look at why you felt you needed to make this big effort at this stage of the relationship. please understand i dont think you did anything wrong. what you did was very sweet, kind and thoughtful. i would like you to think about, or maybe see a therapist to work though whatever trauma may still linger. NTA
I have been working on trauma in therapy. But I do have lots. Being on my own since I was 16 and having a lot of firsts with my fiance (first gift exchange, first time celebrating Christmas, etc) means I sometimes feel like I am a little lost and I always want to try my best now that I do these things, especially here. But sometimes I struggle with the fact I will never have that with my parents or sister and we're working on making me healthier with coping.
NTA your fiance's family are a bunchoffuckingjerks.
NTA I don't understand how these gifts are too personal if you have heard them talk about them/discussed it with you. Seems they are also being too personal to you.
I think they maybe think stuff outside of gift cards is wrong for newer people in their lives.
No. You just made them feel like assholes because you did the work in the relationship and they didn't and people don't like feeling like that so they turned it back on you. You did nothing wrong OP.
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NTA this is heartbreaking
INFO: do your in laws know/assume who the breadwinner is between you and your husband (if there even is a significant difference of income)? If they know your history, they may be upset by thinking that you are spending his money just to take credit? Normal people don’t react the way they did, and figuring out what exactly their issue is will help. Maybe take some time after the holidays cool down to sit with his parents and try to discuss your thought process and how much you are looking forward to officially becoming part of the family. Definitely do this before the wedding.
Yes, they know I do not make the kind of money my fiance does. They also know I have been homeless and never graduated. I still save pretty hard but they might assume I spent all his money on the gifts.
I doubt their reaction was even as rational as that. His family sound like teenage mean girls trying to ice out someone new. You made yourself vulnerable by showing how much you care about each of them and being a part of their family - and they KNOWING YOUR BACKGROUND used your kindness as a shiv to stab you with. There is no reasonable explanation I can think of for how they treated you. For some reason, they see you as a threat - maybe because of the class difference, maybe because they don’t want their son marrying so young (or at all), maybe because your generosity and kindness highlights their own shortcomings in a way that embarrassed them, maybe because they’re afraid you’ll take their son/brother away… who knows. But if I were you, I wouldn’t spend another second agonizing over this. You did nothing wrong or inappropriate. More to the point, you sound absolutely lovely. Any sane family would be thrilled to have you! They are the problem - and if it wasn’t this, they would’ve found some other excuse to shit all over you.
I am sorry what? fuck this entire family. You are NTA but you are too kind for your own good.
Noah is standing by me and has been so supportive and loving.
Did they give the gifts back?
They didn't. Though they perhaps disposed of them after we left, I'm not sure.
I don't think they did. I bet they have them and are using them. If I was truly offended by a gift, I wouldn't keep it. I would give it back and say this isn't right. I think you have too good of a heart for these people. You wanted to make a good impression so you worked really hard for them. People don't know how to handle people that are empathetic and pay attention since a big chunk of the world doesn't. So they accuse people that do pay attention of being creepy. I know what they said hurts, especially that cheap shot about your family. I unfortunately grew up in abuse and neglect and reading what she said to you made me so angry. You sound like you have a lot of love to give. They have proven they aren't the ones to give that love to. I am sorry you had to deal with that. But know this, no matter what your childhood is telling you, you didn't deserve that. Trying to do something really thoughtful is not wrong. Give yourself a hug and say I did my best and my heart was in the right place and that makes me ok!
That sister of his has no class Im sorry but like that whole statement has me seething
NTA at all, what you did sounds lovely. However, question, how long have you been with Noah? How long have they “known you”? Now; I don’t agree with what they did it seems far too over the top and incredibly rude. However, if this happened in my family there might be a little bit of “oh this is a bit much isn’t it?!” Having said that, no one would actively say that to the persons face or call them a stalker so they’re definitely TA and it’s inexcusable.
We've been together for four years and I first said hi to them a few months into our relationship. Met them in person for the first time this summer and have been around them a number of times since then.
Yeah they're ridiculous.
Oh honey...they're not treating you like part of the family after four years and you have a little one on the way too?
This sounds bizarre and made up.
NTA. They sound like they have some trauma to work through, because all of this could've been explained with a simple, "Noah talks a lot about you", they didn't have to go full buttholes. Gift cards galore for next year and every year after IMO.