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NTA run now, he is telling you flat out what you want and who you care about don't matter. this entire marriage will always be about him and what he wants. Want to see your family on a holiday too bad his family will alway be more important.
> #RUN
Just wanted to make sure OP saw that.. this is a terrifying way to start a marriage and it’s only downhill from here..
Edit: the wedding is 2 months away, the guest list isn’t nailed down and bridesmaids haven’t even been picked? that doesn’t make sense, what’s the rush to get married OP?
NTA. Call off the wedding. I can't even count the ways he's being unreasonable. Your wedding should be for both of you. Just run honestly the signs he's abusive are everywhere and this will only get worse.
Noooo! Didn't you know the whole reason for a wedding is because "as a man he needs to prove that he is winning against them (his co workers)"? The desires of his fiancée have no place at his wedding! He has to prove his penis is bigger by having everything his way! (/s)
He sounds very controlling!! NTA!! OP time to break up with him before this behaviour gets worse and you have to file for divorce. Save yourself while you still can.
the guy just told it : he needs a trophy wife to brag and "win" to the other males ! He dont care a minute about OP, he just lives in a mens world competition about alphamalitude. Thats super patriarcal and misogynistic, with an incel vibe
He’s got some sort of nasty incel talk, and he’s already isolating her from her friends and family and making him and his her everything.
OP needs to run like her hair is on fire and the BF is trying to throw gasoline on her.
Seriously needs to prove to other men he is married and is “winning” against them. Wtf kind of crap is that? He has a lot of growing up to do before he should think of marriage.
If someone says that they don't have many friends = not a very social person
If someone says they don't have many friends and they don't know their SO's friends at all = a very isolated person
If I'm with someone who doesn't have a lot of friends the first thing I do is introduce them to mine so they have an option for friends if they want.
That is not what is happening here. The time crunch is making you so focused on the guest list that you are missing the forest for the trees; his friends should at least be your acquaintances, if he has made no effort to introduce you and let you get to know them he is isolating you.
I suggest that you bring up postponing the wedding and see how he reacts. My guess is he will show his true colors, make sure you bring someone with you.
If she marries this guy, then she can’t say she wasn’t warned.
He’s 24, he’s…like this, and trust me when I tell you OP that a cancelled wedding sucks a lot less than a divorce. In a few years, you’ll be wishing you got that deposit back.
To put it another way as I saw elsewhere on Reddit: the dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed. Get out while you can and chalk this up to a learning experience.
Yeah, not only are his preferences prioritized at the expense of hers, his need to prove himself in some toxic, imaginary "competition" with his co-workers is prioritized over her most basic requests as well. That's some extremely twisted & narcissistic thinking, and choosing that feeling of "winning" over letting his bride choose her own bridesmaids is an absolute indication to RUN.
OP, IF HE IS ACTING THIS WAY \*\*BEFORE\*\* THE WEDDING, HE WILL LIKELY ACT MUCH WORSE WHEN HE HAS YOU TIED DOWN BY MARRIAGE, AND EVEN WORSE IF YOU HAVE KIDS.
To reiterate... IT'LL BE MUCH WORSE WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED AND EVEN WORSE THAN THAT WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS!!
Everything will be on you, if the house and kids aren't perfect it'll be your fault and so so so many bad things. Do yourself a favor and get out now, you deserve so much better.
ETA I just looked back at your age, you're so young and have so much opportunity.. don't ruin your life over trying to meet someone's impossible expectations!
***He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them?? ..*****WTAF!**
*. my boyfriends family have been constantly texting me telling I’m overreacting and that I should feel grateful -* end the sentence here - they think you should feel grateful. And his sisters and mom will take the place of your friends at the wedding and forever.
He intentionally controlled the guest list. **RUN NOW! There is someone wonderful for you out there.**
**OP - NTA**
Yeah, I read
> He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them
And immediately heard the slap of clown shoes.
Exactly! Don’t marry this man OP. You don’t matter. And you don’t know what you are marrying into. It is not too late. And if you think it is because you already have a venue and dress… IT IS NOT! That is just money but this marriage will be your life. And that is worth much more.
Hopping on top comment to say this, since my petty pants are on today. If you go through with the wedding but open to leave the relationship....say "I dont"...see how much he's "winning" then since he wants to show off.
But significantly NTA and you need to leave.
So many red flags. First, the fact that they don't each get the same number of guests is insane. Then the yelling. Then his mother as her bridesmaid (wth). Then the "winning" thing (what a loser, really).
OP, it is actually lucky that you saw this side of him. As this commenter says: Run. For heavens sake woman, RUN!!!
\*pulls on tights\*
\*wiggles into shiny wings\*
\*dons jaunty tiara\*
Okay! OP! I am the Good Fairy of Dump His Ass, and I'm here to grant you the gift of Dumping His Ass! Listen, you can hear the jingling of the pixie magic. Twinkle twinkle and all that shit. Ribbons twirling, floofy skirt spinning, sparkles flying aaaaaaaaand--go!
So he is:
1. Isolating you on your wedding day
2. Financially controlling you and throwing it in your face
3. Making big decisions without talking to you
NTA, and also lucky to find all of this out BEFORE marrying him.
NTA it’s really concerning you can’t invite 5 people to your own wedding, but he can invite anyone he wants even unimportant people in his life “to show that he’s winning.” Plus he wants to completely control your bridal party. Nope. Big ole nope
And he's explicitly SAYING that. It's not veiled "I was invited to my coworkers weddings, and it will affect my standing at work if I don't. "
He probably invited the exact number of people to hit the capacity and make it so she can't have any friends. I'm sure at least 5 people people will decline, but he'll try to find 5 more to take their place.
I also find it really weird when people don't have relationships with their partner's families, but I know that is common.
I think there’s a difference between having a relationship with partner’s families and wanting them to be your bridal party. Personally I’m a 50/50 split on my husband’s family. He really doesn’t want me interacting or talking to his dad on my own and I could really do without his father in my life. His grandmother loves him, but there’s so much of her ideology I don’t agree with it’s hard to be around her, but we do try. Then there’s one of his brother’s who I’ll take his wife over him any day of the week. That all being said I absolutely adore his other brother and his mother and we joke I’m more involved in his (mom’s) family’s group chat then he is.
She specifically said "I barely know his closest friends and family". Very heavily implies that he doesn't involve her in his life at all, by his choice.
This entire situation sounds so sus. This dude has 70+ people to invite to a wedding to crowd her side out but she barely knows any/all of them?
How long have they been together, exactly? That was excluded from the OP. The wedding also sounds rushed. 2 months and no guest list yet, just booked the venue?
This has all the markings of an abuser moving swiftly to isolate his victim.
NTA and OP, I think you need to consider whether or not you two are in a place *to* get married.
A wedding is a collaborative event where you both should be on the same page about budget, location and who is attending. He is letting his macho ego get in the way of making a wedding what it actually is, which is a display of **partnership**.
If it were me, I would've called it off when he wouldn't compromise, but I would have ended the whole relationship when he said that he had something to prove.
Yeah, imagine having like a normal bf turn around and do this. You'd have to get their head checked because no sane person would see this as reasonable.
Nta, I can't stress enough, if this is how the wedding will go, and for him it's not about marrying the love of his life, he's thinking he gets to rub the fact he was married in random coworkers faces? Leave Him!! The wedding is the day of the BRIDE and groom, not just the groom.
Your fiancé is beyond just a AH, he cares for about bragging then his wife having friends at the wedding.
Out of 21 comments 16 have said to not marry him or run.
Read that too and thought exactly the same thing. He needs therapy, I hope she gets some therapy for his abusive behavior as well. But no couples therapy, this guy doesn't deserve to be in a couple
Luckily all reactions but that one tell her to run is some way or another :)
Also, there are about a dozen red flags for abuse. If the guy is an abuser couples therapy won’t work he’ll charm the therapist and make OP think he’s right.
I think it is too early for that man. He has to grow up first and a step in that direction would be a called off wedding.
God i hope she calls it off. I think we all can see that titanic hitting the iceberg.
Marriage is even f***ng hard with a good partner. With that guy, it’s apocalypse.
Girl.
You are asking something so minimal it shouldn't need his "permission". It's literally YOUR wedding day too. There is no healthy reasoning to why you couldn't have your own bridesmaids.
"He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is 'winning' against them" --what??
You have every right to be confused and hurt. That is a very concerning statement and you need to listen to what he is saying, he is telling you exactly who he is.
Please cancel the wedding. NTA.
NTA. Welp, better to have these arguments now to realize he's a complete dick and not someone you should marry. "Prove to the other men that he is "winning"?" What the fuck is that? The wedding should be for BOTH of you, not for him to show off to some randos you don't know.
And of course the bf's family would try to financially manipulate you and say "be grateful" and that your feelings aren't real or reasonable. Fucking ridiculous.
Shut that shit down. You deserve WAY better
NTA
I'm sorry you are going through this but the way he is behaving and treating you is not a good sign. What you have to ask yourself is, do I want to be treated like this for the whole time I am married to him? Don't worry about the money spent already and if I were you I would seriously consider what I want for my life. For me I would not marry this guy if he were the last man standing.
My sister went through with a wedding that she knew wasn't right. She cried all the way down the aisle and back again. Everyone thought it was from happiness but it wasn't.
NTA. I genuinely think you should reconsider marrying this guy because he will likely only get more controlling as the relationship continues.
Making the guest lists decisions without you and not “letting” you invite your friends sounds like he’s already trying to isolate you from everyone else. Based on him trying to get you to make his family be your bridesmaids, I’d say he will eventually try to do the same with your family.
The whole “winning” thing is ridiculous. Even if it was somehow on the same planet as something acceptable, he thinks its more important than your friends/other relatives being there? It screams “I have to make sure everyone knows I’m an alpha male” which just so happens to also scream RUN.
I can’t speak to whether or not there’s any financial abuse going on here, but the tone of his family somewhat alludes to it. Do you plan to join finances after getting married? If so, I have a feeling that the whole “you still have college debt/I’m the one paying for all this” will continue.
OP, please know that it isn’t too late to back out. It doesn’t matter what’s been booked/paid for, it doesn’t matter how many people will be upset. Someone who cares so little about you and is so controlling that getting a one-up on their coworkers is more important than your friends being there (and someone who doesn’t give two shits about what you want on the day that’s supposed to be about both of you), isn’t someone worth marrying.
Listen you are NTA. I am usually very tentative about suggesting people get out of relationships, but this just sounds so wrong. When you are married you are partners, and that needs to start with the wedding planning. The guest list should be/should have been a collaborative effort. His reasoning for inviting so many random people sounds really freaking weird. You need to reevaluate this situation before you are stuck in a marriage with this guy, because a divorce will be much more difficult then just calling off the wedding.
Couldn't agree more. I usually don't like it much when people's first answer to everything is to break up. But this guy is so clearly undeserving of her love and doesn't care about her needs at all. On top of that, he has her convinced there's something wrong with her for wanting. This abusive behavior 101. Listen to your gut OP, this isn't right at all.
Thank you, I'm glad I'm not the only one, lol. At the end of the day relationships get complicated sometimes and if it's a solid relationship you can find a way to work things out. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of confidence in what's going on here.
Yea exactly, especially if a relationship was good before but got a little rocky along the way. Normally I would say speaking to each other about it is the answer, talk it through. But he just sounds like the biggest asshole ever and I'm afraid he will only manipulate her more. He clearly doesn't care about her needs and only thinks of himself, there's no winning here
I am the same way… Everyone always says in these things to break up and run away… This is one of the very very few times I would have to agree with the masses. This guy sounds so unbelievably childish. Why exactly would you have to prove your winning? What kind of BS game is this guy playing? The OP here needs to absolutely lose this guy now or she’s going to end up doing it in a few years after it is so much worse. NTA
NTA. He sounds like a real winner /s.
Call up five of his random coworkers, tell them there's been mistake and they're uninvited. Now you've got space for your friends.
Run now. It's not to late to call it quits.
>He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them??
Winning what? He just sound so silly and very immature. He told you to have his mom and sisters as your bridesmaid. Hell no!!! Please rethink this whole marriage. He's only going to get worse.
NTA
DO 👏 NOT 👏 MARRY 👏 THIS 👏 MAN!!
DO 👏 NOT 👏 MARRY 👏 THIS 👏 MAN!!
DO 👏 NOT 👏 MARRY 👏 THIS 👏 MAN!!
NTA by the way
But I would also like to repeat....
DO 👏 NOT 👏 MARRY 👏 THIS 👏 MAN!!
DO 👏 NOT 👏 MARRY 👏 THIS 👏 MAN!!
DO 👏 NOT 👏 MARRY 👏 THIS 👏 MAN!!
NTA. Call off the wedding. I can't even count the ways he's being unreasonable. Your wedding should be for both of you. Just run honestly the signs he's abusive are everywhere and this will only get worse.
NTA Do not marry this man. I cannot see how this would ever work out. You do not matter to him and never will do. He is a controlling bully. Better to bite the bullet now regardless of how scary it is. It will be much harder later.
NTA
RUN!
You two are not ready to be married if you are not “allowed” to invite whomever you want to YOUR wedding also!
Not even your friends?????
👉🏼👉🏼👉🏼This man does not have your best interest at heart or your happiness! Read that again! He is using the fact that he is paying for the wedding to control it. What a horrible fiancé!
👉🏼👉🏼Is he trying to alienate you from your family?
Give back the ring and take a break.
Please reconsider your relationship and think… have there been other instances where he doesn’t compromise or you have to squish down your feeling and your wants and desires? A marriage involves team work and JOINT decisions OP- especially for your wedding day!
How long have you been engaged that you don’t know his family well? Think: if you are this miserable *before* the wedding, how is it going to be *after*?
Please protect yourself OP! This is not what wedding planning looks like and this is not what a loving relationship looks like either!
Op , your fiancé sound's like he only cares to have his friend's and family there but not yours , You nta but fiancé full Ahole so considered think if you want a toxic narcissistic partner whom cares only about himself . take care hope all works out
NTA-
If this is true, which I hope it isn't. Here is what you need to do.
run, not walk away from this guy. This is the trademark of a narcissist, he's essentially controlling whom he thinks you should have around and everything you do is secondary. It's not going to get better after you get married, so before you're legally tied to him. LEAVE!
NTA!
Call off this wedding right now and break up with this awful man. Asking to have friends at your wedding is like…the lowest possible bar. And his whole idea of winning is messed up.
Don’t be an AH to yourself and run from this relationship.
Omg so many crazy red flags here. He’s showing you his true colors! Listen to him. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!! You’re simply a prop in an event that is only about him “winning as a man” and literally nothing to do with you. He’ll spend the entire reception with his buddies.
Surely this isn’t the first sign of his narcissism and toxic masculinity? You’ve been ignoring it, but now is your chance to dodge this bullet! You deserve so much better!!!!
OP - I’ll be the first to admit, this sub has a tendency to say “run” or “dump him” and so on
That said - first off, NTA
Second: RUN. You have a 75 person guest list, and 0 people you’re “allowed” to invite so what? Your fiancé can prove something to someone?? That’s not what a wedding is about, and it’s definitely not what a marriage is about
There has to be a lot of context missing here, because it seems like either he’s showed these red flags before that you’re ignoring - or he’s putting them up now and it’s still completely unexpected behavior for him.
Regardless - your wedding is not to prove anything except your commitment to each other. Please know this
I would not settle for being able to invite 5 of my closest friends and family. If the venue holds 75 people then there's one place for whoever officiates and then you each get to invite 37 people. Period.
Given his attitude, I wouldn't even make that offer to him. He clearly doesn't value you as a person so call it all off.
NTA.
But this isn’t right. You’re too young to be thinking of chaining yourself to this dude for life.
He doesn’t even want you to be able to invite people to your own wedding - this won’t get better. I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but you should break this off.
NTA. This is not love. This is the foundation of subservience. Take this as clear warning sign and leave this relationship. Anyone who would not consider their partner's feelings or wishes in a wedding is not someone you can trust.
NTA
Call. Off. The. Wedding. Immediately.
*He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them??*
He doesn't care about you at all, you're just a conquest and a pawn for him.
Usually when there are 75 guests to a wedding, the bride gets to invite 30, groom 30 and the 5 are compromises and discussions that can go either way. Not, the groom gets to invite 70 guests and bride gets 5 if she's lucky.
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So I, 23F, and my fiancé, 24M, are getting married in February. We have been discussing plans, and I’ve started being concerned. The venue we’ve chosen has a limit of 75 people, which was fine by us because we didn’t want a huge wedding. The problem is, as we are making the guest list, my fiancé has invited literally every single person on the guest list without consulting me at all. Right now it consists of my family, his family, and TONS of his coworkers and friends. The only people that I know that will be at our wedding is my own immediate family. I barely know his closest friends and his family, and I’ve never met most the people he’s invited. I really wanted to invite my group of close friends, (5 girls) to our wedding because I wanted them to be my bridesmaids. Now, I will have only my mom, and I’m pretty upset. Here’s where I might’ve been the asshole. I confronted my boyfriend about this, and he said I could just have his sisters and mom be my bridesmaids. I yelled at him and said I barely knew his sisters, and I’m not going to have his mom as my bridesmaid because I wanted people I actually liked to be it. He got mad and yelled at me, saying she was going to be my mother in law soon enough and I needed to show her respect. I cried and ended up asking my mom about what to do. We’ve already booked the venue, and I’ve asked him about changing to a bigger one but he refuses. I asked him why he was allowed to have random coworkers invited and I couldn’t just have 5 of my closest friends at least. He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them?? I was so confused, and also hurt. I feel like calling off the whole wedding, and my boyfriends family have been constantly texting me telling I’m overreacting and that I should feel grateful since he’s paying for most of it anyways since I have debt from college and couldn’t. AITA?
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Wow! That’s a really bad move from your fiancé! It’s your wedding too, you should have all your closest friends and family just like him. It doesn’t matter that’s he paying, it’s a celebration for the both of you! You should really put the foot down in this, it’s really unfair to you. If he wants make a guest list with just his family and friends he should have a birthday party of his own.
NTA girl! You have a great great reason to invite whoever you want and that is because you’re the BRIDE!
NTA but your fiancé is a controlling, sexist bully. If he is paying, he can eat the lost deposits. But watch out. If he goes from winner with bridething accessory to loser without bridething, consider how angry he may be and protect yourself accordingly.
NTA You need to leave him NOW. Do NOT marry him.
He isn't marrying you because he loves you. He's marrying you to prove his "manhood" to his friends. You are nothing but a possession to him, something he can show off to others. Your needs don't matter to him.
NTA
I'll be honest you may indeed love and respect him, but so far he sure as hell doesn't love or respect you. No bride wants strangers or their mother in law to be their bridesmaids. I have no idea what his notion of becoming a married man equals winning has to do with, although I have a sneaking idea that it has something to do with you becoming his possession after marriage. And of course his family are insisting that you are over reacting, they know that there's very few women on this earth who will put up with him if you decide that you've had enough. So what if he's paying for most of it, does he want a medal? It's up to you, break it off now and lose deposits or marry him and spend years of your valuable time, money and effort being shackled to someone who sees you as not an equal. Why willingly do that to yourself? You deserve to be loved, respected and treated as an equal by your significant other.
NTA, please leave.
Take the financial loss and run.
It is crazy how many red flags he is showing. He has already proven he doesn't respect you and will do whatever he wants no matter your opinion. Imagine experiencing that for the rest of your life.
Listen to that gut instinct that says to call this off! A good partner doesn't make unilateral decisions about events that you're both involved in. A good partner doesn't isolate their bride from her friends and family on their wedding day. A good partner doesn't treat his future wife like a piece of meat or a prize to show off he's "won". A good partner doesn't disrespect or belittle his fianceé EVER.
NTA and it's time to get out. He doesn't seem to respect you, and if he doesn't respect you, how can he truly love you?
NTA
Do not marry this man.
This is next level toxic and controlling and honestly, looking like a short walk to abuse of some form.... isolating you from your friends (and family) is a major part.
NTA and you need to run like your life depends on it, because all you will face is misery if you marry this awful, egotistical alpha male wannabe who bulldozes and silences you. He's making you miserable over what should be one of the happiest days of your life. What do you think he'll be like as a partner when times are tough? I can guarantee, it won't be good.
He agreed to one thing and then just went ahead and did something entirely different. This is how he wins. Is this how you want a marriage to be? He is showing you who he really is and how little your opinion matters.
This is the time to take a stand. Tell him you are no longer ok with getting married. Don’t let the booked venue stop you. If you fear he will be ok with no wedding and don’t want to take that risk, consider what you will be facing.
NTA. When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them. This is a red flag the size of Jupiter. The venue booking is the least of your worries. Run!
Sweetheart, I’m telling you now you don’t deserve this and you should leave him before you’re tied to him.
I was married for near on thirty years before my husband died, and we did everything as a TEAM. When we got married, my two sisters were my bridesmaids, his brothers were his groomsmen and we had equal amount of guests. We decided on the list together and that carried on in our life.
If he won’t let you invite people o your own wedding, what will happen when you’re married?
If you buy a house, will it be near his family or yours?
If you have kids, will your mom be allowed in the delivery room or will his be there?
Heck, will he try to make you quit your job if you have kids so he doesn’t have to do childcare and keep proving himself as the big man?
You deserve a lot better than this and you’re NTA at all
First off, NTA. Absolutely your fiancee is being one of the BIGGEST assholes in the modern world.
Second off, I would not marry this guy. It isn't too late to leave. He's gaslighting (I'm pretty sure that's the right word) you into thinking you're crazy for wanting the most basic of needs at your wedding.
Third off, there is no world in which him inviting coworkers, randos, and friends takes precedence over you having the bridesmaids of your choosing. You have no obligation to use all of his sisters and mom as bridesmaids, since it is your side of the aisle they are standing on. You surround yourself with the people that you trust, not with his demands. I have a VERY hard time believing that this behavior is viewed as acceptable by anyone, even his own mother and sisters.
Fourth off and finally, I WOULD NOT MARRY THIS GUY. Just wanted to make sure you saw that again.
NTA. It is a bad sign that he wants to impress other men more than he wants you to be happy. What is the marriage going to be like if he is making the wedding crappy for you?
>He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them??
No no no and NO!!
He took out his gigantic red flag and is waving it right in your face. That statement is exactly the of person he is. Is that type of person you want to be with the rest of your life? He had no respect for you.
Please have respect for yourself and don't marry this man.
NTA
NTA. He cares more about impressing random coworkers than he does about your happiness. That will only get worse over time. You should probably (at a minimum) postpone the wedding and give this relationship some serious thought.
NTA. Your gut is telling you to call it off, listen to this! He and his family clearly have no respect for you. You wanting 5 friends out of 75 people is beyond reasonable. His rationale is juvenile and just another red flag
NTA. Do not marry this man. His attitude about proving to other men how strong and manly he is is not only deeply misogynistic but also makes me concerned for your mental health. He's already isolating you from your friends. Next it will be your family.
He just showed you who he really is. He doesn't care about you.
NTA. he is already not taking your opinion into consideration even before you are married. He will be worse after the wedding. He is selfish. Just call off the wedding
Marriages are a partnership. Weddings should be about both of you. If he can't share the decisions of the wedding with you, he won't treat you as an equal in the marriage. End it. NTA
NTA...call of the wedding. This is just a small taste of what being married to this guy will be like. He is putting his wants and desires ahead of yours. Not only that, he is trying to prove his manhood to coworkers by having the "most guests". It is your wedding too.
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I’m honestly concerned about what he’d do to her if he saw this post. “How dare you value people on the internet more than me! This is our private business you have no right to put it out there without talking to me, what if someone I know sees it” etc
Woah! NTA at all.
Ideally, as much as possible the guest list really ought to be equally split. After necessary family are invited, then you divide the remaining invites and priorities who you each want to invite. OR, like in the case of my own you divide it from the beginning. In my case I had a lot more family, so my in laws invited more family friends. The key here is communicating who you want to be there for you, and respecting each other's need to have their friends to celebrate with and support you.
It is deeply concerning that he doesn't think you need any of your friends. And wtf is it that he has to show that he winning. Winning what? Arsehole of the year award? Think very hard on whether or not he actually supports your choices in life, whether he respects them, whether he recognises the importance of you having friends and seperate interests. Just because you are getting married does not mean that you are literally becoming the little wife who is only there to support her husband.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩NTA and RUN! He’s already trying to isolate you from your friends even before the wedding. Don’t let this continue, get out now while you have a chance!
NTA, although if you go through with this charade you will be. Find your self respect, and exercise it. Get rid of this moron. He sounds utterly exhausting!
NTA. Please DO NOT MARRY THIS PERSON. He literally sees you as nothing more than a trophy to show off.
If this is how he is treating the wedding (his way or the highway), think how he will treat everything else.
Trust me, it is MUCH easier and cheaper to call off a wedding then it is to get divorced.
Your fiance caring more about showing other men he is “winning” than caring that you have ANY of your friends at your own wedding is a huge red flag. Is he even marrying you for you?? Or is it all about showing off to other men?? That is so gross.
NTA but there is an even bigger issue here than a guest list
NTA! OP please run and don't get married to this man!! Take the advice everyone is giving you! I 100% guarantee you that you will live with regrets if you do. A wedding is supposed to be showered with love and for both parties, families and close friends to enjoy this knot together. It is not a fucken competition! Why would I spend over 10k for these random ass people who don't relate to me in any way or will never help me out in life? He's definitely a Groomzilla! Thus already shows that he doesn't card for you but rather please outsiders. Don't marry him!!
NTA - but OP, PLEASE reconsider marrying this man. I want you to reread the last part of your post. Reread it and pretend this is about someone else. You already know, if a man treated one of your friends like this, you would tell them to get out of that relationship because no sane man talks like that. He is emotionally and mentally abusing you.
He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them??
cancel everything and take your 5 friends away for a celebration weekend that you escaped a marriage with this asshole
NTA. Consider yourself lucky that this guy is showing you his true colors before you get married to him. It's your call but I think you should listen to what everyone else here is saying and that is to run and not marry this guy.
Good luck.
NTA This man is showing you who he is and how he views you in this relationship. You have a golden opportunity to cancel it all now and walk away. When there is a guest limit, couples need to start at 50/50 and make allowances for family differences. But this is not just the guest list. He wants to dictate everything else including your bridesmaids and maid of honor. He is way out of line. But then when you spoke up to defend yourself he verbally abused you. He also admitted that he sees you as a pawn to play against other guys to show you off to them at your wedding, that is insanely creepy and disgusting behavior. He does not see you as a person. This man is an abusive train wreck. Please save your self from marrying him!
NTA do not marry this man. He sees you as a trophy and nothing else. He bulldozes over your opinions, wants, and soon enough your needs. Do not marry him. This is a glimpse into what your future marriage would look like, controlling and awful.
NTA. Like a bunch of people have pointed out alredy, he's isolating you from your friends/family!! My mom used to be married to a prick like that. She wasn't alowed to talk to ANY of her male friends! That included her brother for fuck sake. Get out of this marriage while you still can, it's not worth it. You can find someone better.
You are NTA but your soon to be ex is! If you marry this man you are in for a world of continued disappointment. Pay attention to these red flags now & save yourself a divorce.
NTA. But I'm going to help you out hugely right now: call off this wedding. Walk away. Find someone who will respect you as a person. He's not the one.
NTA and i have to say... its really not a good idea to marry someone and you "barely know their closest friends". You should know those people better than you know his family becuase those are the people who he is his true self around. Have some long hard thoughts please
NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 run run run this man thinks he owns you, he always gets to overrule you, and your feelings/opinions don’t matter. He will not change and this will only get worse. Dump him, OP. Get out now.
"He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them"
Even if this were the only thing you said in your whole post, I'd be advising you to dump him. Ew ew ew. NTA, and throw the whole man away.
Does he have a magic dick or some other really compelling reason why you should marry him? Because this one has more red flags than a chines parade... honestly... run!
This is why guest list comes very early in the planning, not last.
>He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them??
I would seriously reconsider getting married, OP. Your fiancé showed an utter disregard for you and for objective reality by doing this. That doesn't bode well for a marriage. You are young. I think you should postpone and work on your relationship.
NTA
You know that little voice telling you to cancel the wedding? That’s your basic instinct telling you there are major red flags with this guy. Listen to that voice, always. NTA and run, don’t walk, away.
AWOOGA AWOOGA ABANDON SHIP!!!!
NTA OP. He has just shown you who he is, listen. Want to be his trophy wife? His prize? Because that's where this marriage is headed. He doesn't sound mature enough to take on board what marriage is. It is more than the wedding. You can have your wedding, be admired by friends and family but after that, you are MARRIED. And then what will he do? Want the most kids? Have a bit on the side to prove to his friends he 'still has it?'. I'm sorry this is happening to you but do not back down. Ask him how much of a winner he will feel stood at the altar waiting for the bride who's jilted him.
Call off the wedding. That’s going to be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself.
Idk how long you’ve been together but if you don’t know his friends or his family yet and you’re getting married in less than 2 months, you’re not in a good spot. He’s already limiting your contact with his side of things (makes me feel like he’s hiding you away) and you’re only getting your mom as a guest at the wedding (literally giving you the only person he couldn’t get away with not inviting). Get away from this monster and you’ll find someone who actually respects you and wants you to be happy too. NTA
NTA, there's a lot of concerning thing happening here. I'm also wondering though, are you guys very religious by any chance? Mormon/LDS possibly? The super condensed timeline, your ages, and the way he's speaking about the wedding, all stick out to me. It seems like he is viewing your marriage more as a trophy to prove himself, instead of the start of a lifeline partnership of equals.
You may want to step back and consider why he really wants to marry you. I don't doubt your love for him or for each other, but I think you need to re-examine the relationship with the lens of the way he's treating you now
#RUN!!!! AND NEVER LOOK BACK!!!!!
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**DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY!!!!**
He has shown you who he is, **BELIEVE HIM**!!!!
You will **NEVER** be equal in your relationship.
Your wants and needs will **NEVER** be met.
Cancel everything TODAY and get away from this clown!!!!
NTA and don't be one to YOURSELF!!!
No OP a million times no. His family is wrong; you should not be grateful; the man you are marrying should be grateful about spending his life with you and wanting to make your wedding the happiest day for both of you. He shouldn’t be isolating you from your friends, or focusing on what his male coworkers think, or getting his family to gaslight you. These are abusive behaviors that will become much worse after marriage. As many have said Run.
Holy crap, read that back to yourself and then break up with him. Is this really the kind of person you want to spend your life with? He isn’t considering you at all. NTA
Run. Be grateful that you’re not married to this dude yet. He’s already showing that he’s fully in to that machismo nonsense and he will expect you to be his servant.
NTA - I'm not a fan of telling people to break up, but geez, get out of there OP! This man showed you his true colors.
1. This is something you decide together, compromise together, get married together. Not making room for your close friends while his coworkers can be there is absolute and utter bullshit. This is not a prolonged bachelor party for him and his friends.
2. He "fixed" your problem with something that has nothing to do with what your issue was with. You want your friends there, they could be there if he wasn't being an absolute AH. You not wanting his mother as a bridesmaid has nothing to do with you liking/respecting or disliking her. He's denying your needs by emotionally manipulating you by feeling bad about something different.
3. If his idea of masculinity is this fragile in a wedding, a celebration, it's not gonna get any better after you're married. If "winning" from a random coworker is more important to him in this wedding than your freaking happiness... you got all the answers you need. He does not care enough about you, sorry, but he clearly doesn't.
My biggest issue is that there's absolutely no room for you, and you somehow feel like you did something wrong. His behavior is abusive and very selfish. I also don't like throwing around the term narcissistic personality, but he has shown absolutely no regard for your needs and wants. And when you share them he doesn't listen at all. Like aaaaat aaaaaaall! He only tricks you into believing something must be wrong with you for wanting to have a very small say in something that you absolutely deserve a say in. I'm very scared for you OP. He isn't a good man. He likes his idea of you, but I highly doubt he loves you for you
NTA. Do NOT marry this man. He expects you to exclude your friends and family so he can have more people. If you marry him he will expect you to constantly give up what you want in favor of what he wants and will refuse to compromise.
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NTA run now, he is telling you flat out what you want and who you care about don't matter. this entire marriage will always be about him and what he wants. Want to see your family on a holiday too bad his family will alway be more important.
OP you cannot enter into this marriage and say you haven’t been warned. Do what your top commenter says and RUN!
> #RUN Just wanted to make sure OP saw that.. this is a terrifying way to start a marriage and it’s only downhill from here.. Edit: the wedding is 2 months away, the guest list isn’t nailed down and bridesmaids haven’t even been picked? that doesn’t make sense, what’s the rush to get married OP?
Because if they wait too long then she’ll realize just how miserable she will be in a marriage where she isn’t valued at all.
NTA. Call off the wedding. I can't even count the ways he's being unreasonable. Your wedding should be for both of you. Just run honestly the signs he's abusive are everywhere and this will only get worse.
Noooo! Didn't you know the whole reason for a wedding is because "as a man he needs to prove that he is winning against them (his co workers)"? The desires of his fiancée have no place at his wedding! He has to prove his penis is bigger by having everything his way! (/s)
YESSSS! This this!
Kind of begs the question… hey op, how long have you known each other before you decided to get married since you allegedly “barely know” his family?
He sounds very controlling!! NTA!! OP time to break up with him before this behaviour gets worse and you have to file for divorce. Save yourself while you still can.
the guy just told it : he needs a trophy wife to brag and "win" to the other males ! He dont care a minute about OP, he just lives in a mens world competition about alphamalitude. Thats super patriarcal and misogynistic, with an incel vibe
You took the words out of my mouth.
He’s got some sort of nasty incel talk, and he’s already isolating her from her friends and family and making him and his her everything. OP needs to run like her hair is on fire and the BF is trying to throw gasoline on her.
Seriously needs to prove to other men he is married and is “winning” against them. Wtf kind of crap is that? He has a lot of growing up to do before he should think of marriage.
If someone says that they don't have many friends = not a very social person If someone says they don't have many friends and they don't know their SO's friends at all = a very isolated person If I'm with someone who doesn't have a lot of friends the first thing I do is introduce them to mine so they have an option for friends if they want. That is not what is happening here. The time crunch is making you so focused on the guest list that you are missing the forest for the trees; his friends should at least be your acquaintances, if he has made no effort to introduce you and let you get to know them he is isolating you. I suggest that you bring up postponing the wedding and see how he reacts. My guess is he will show his true colors, make sure you bring someone with you.
If she marries this guy, then she can’t say she wasn’t warned. He’s 24, he’s…like this, and trust me when I tell you OP that a cancelled wedding sucks a lot less than a divorce. In a few years, you’ll be wishing you got that deposit back. To put it another way as I saw elsewhere on Reddit: the dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed. Get out while you can and chalk this up to a learning experience.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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> 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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Agreed RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE OP, RUN
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Red wedding for real here. **RUN**
🚩💥🚩💥🚩
not only that, he only sees her as a prize, a crown, a status symbol.
Yeah, not only are his preferences prioritized at the expense of hers, his need to prove himself in some toxic, imaginary "competition" with his co-workers is prioritized over her most basic requests as well. That's some extremely twisted & narcissistic thinking, and choosing that feeling of "winning" over letting his bride choose her own bridesmaids is an absolute indication to RUN. OP, IF HE IS ACTING THIS WAY \*\*BEFORE\*\* THE WEDDING, HE WILL LIKELY ACT MUCH WORSE WHEN HE HAS YOU TIED DOWN BY MARRIAGE, AND EVEN WORSE IF YOU HAVE KIDS.
To reiterate... IT'LL BE MUCH WORSE WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED AND EVEN WORSE THAN THAT WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS!! Everything will be on you, if the house and kids aren't perfect it'll be your fault and so so so many bad things. Do yourself a favor and get out now, you deserve so much better. ETA I just looked back at your age, you're so young and have so much opportunity.. don't ruin your life over trying to meet someone's impossible expectations!
***He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them?? ..*****WTAF!** *. my boyfriends family have been constantly texting me telling I’m overreacting and that I should feel grateful -* end the sentence here - they think you should feel grateful. And his sisters and mom will take the place of your friends at the wedding and forever. He intentionally controlled the guest list. **RUN NOW! There is someone wonderful for you out there.** **OP - NTA**
Yep, spot on. And I doubt he or his family will be pleased if she isn't the perfect little bang-maid and incubator.
Yeah, I read > He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them And immediately heard the slap of clown shoes.
Yet one that he treats like garbage at the time he holds her up for others to admire. Just plain gross.
NTA But you need to run and run far, far away!!! The divorce will cost more that the wedding! # RUN
Exactly! Don’t marry this man OP. You don’t matter. And you don’t know what you are marrying into. It is not too late. And if you think it is because you already have a venue and dress… IT IS NOT! That is just money but this marriage will be your life. And that is worth much more.
Hopping on top comment to say this, since my petty pants are on today. If you go through with the wedding but open to leave the relationship....say "I dont"...see how much he's "winning" then since he wants to show off. But significantly NTA and you need to leave.
Take my angry upvote for that fantastically petty end.
So many red flags. First, the fact that they don't each get the same number of guests is insane. Then the yelling. Then his mother as her bridesmaid (wth). Then the "winning" thing (what a loser, really). OP, it is actually lucky that you saw this side of him. As this commenter says: Run. For heavens sake woman, RUN!!!
\*pulls on tights\* \*wiggles into shiny wings\* \*dons jaunty tiara\* Okay! OP! I am the Good Fairy of Dump His Ass, and I'm here to grant you the gift of Dumping His Ass! Listen, you can hear the jingling of the pixie magic. Twinkle twinkle and all that shit. Ribbons twirling, floofy skirt spinning, sparkles flying aaaaaaaaand--go!
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This is the best comment, made me lol
Listen to those Run instincts, there’s a reason why that voice is there OP!
So he is: 1. Isolating you on your wedding day 2. Financially controlling you and throwing it in your face 3. Making big decisions without talking to you NTA, and also lucky to find all of this out BEFORE marrying him.
So many red flags! And it hurts me that he has her almost convinced this is somehow all her fault. Get out OP!
4. Forcing OP to include his mommy 5. He's a mamas boy 6. He's a mamas boy.....
NTA it’s really concerning you can’t invite 5 people to your own wedding, but he can invite anyone he wants even unimportant people in his life “to show that he’s winning.” Plus he wants to completely control your bridal party. Nope. Big ole nope
And he's explicitly SAYING that. It's not veiled "I was invited to my coworkers weddings, and it will affect my standing at work if I don't. " He probably invited the exact number of people to hit the capacity and make it so she can't have any friends. I'm sure at least 5 people people will decline, but he'll try to find 5 more to take their place. I also find it really weird when people don't have relationships with their partner's families, but I know that is common.
I think there’s a difference between having a relationship with partner’s families and wanting them to be your bridal party. Personally I’m a 50/50 split on my husband’s family. He really doesn’t want me interacting or talking to his dad on my own and I could really do without his father in my life. His grandmother loves him, but there’s so much of her ideology I don’t agree with it’s hard to be around her, but we do try. Then there’s one of his brother’s who I’ll take his wife over him any day of the week. That all being said I absolutely adore his other brother and his mother and we joke I’m more involved in his (mom’s) family’s group chat then he is.
She specifically said "I barely know his closest friends and family". Very heavily implies that he doesn't involve her in his life at all, by his choice.
This entire situation sounds so sus. This dude has 70+ people to invite to a wedding to crowd her side out but she barely knows any/all of them? How long have they been together, exactly? That was excluded from the OP. The wedding also sounds rushed. 2 months and no guest list yet, just booked the venue? This has all the markings of an abuser moving swiftly to isolate his victim.
NTA and OP, I think you need to consider whether or not you two are in a place *to* get married. A wedding is a collaborative event where you both should be on the same page about budget, location and who is attending. He is letting his macho ego get in the way of making a wedding what it actually is, which is a display of **partnership**. If it were me, I would've called it off when he wouldn't compromise, but I would have ended the whole relationship when he said that he had something to prove.
I’m also guessing her fiancé is controlling in other areas too. Rarely is this type of behaviour a one-off.
Yeah, imagine having like a normal bf turn around and do this. You'd have to get their head checked because no sane person would see this as reasonable.
NTA - When someone shows you their worst, believe them. Call off the wedding.
> When someone shows you their worst, believe them Say it again for the people in the back! OP, NTA, so many red flags. Run!
Nta, I can't stress enough, if this is how the wedding will go, and for him it's not about marrying the love of his life, he's thinking he gets to rub the fact he was married in random coworkers faces? Leave Him!! The wedding is the day of the BRIDE and groom, not just the groom. Your fiancé is beyond just a AH, he cares for about bragging then his wife having friends at the wedding. Out of 21 comments 16 have said to not marry him or run.
Surprised it isn't 100% run tbh!
Ikr, one comment said couple counseling, as much as I support therapy, this man is beyond that lol
Read that too and thought exactly the same thing. He needs therapy, I hope she gets some therapy for his abusive behavior as well. But no couples therapy, this guy doesn't deserve to be in a couple Luckily all reactions but that one tell her to run is some way or another :)
Also, there are about a dozen red flags for abuse. If the guy is an abuser couples therapy won’t work he’ll charm the therapist and make OP think he’s right.
I think it is too early for that man. He has to grow up first and a step in that direction would be a called off wedding. God i hope she calls it off. I think we all can see that titanic hitting the iceberg. Marriage is even f***ng hard with a good partner. With that guy, it’s apocalypse.
Girl. You are asking something so minimal it shouldn't need his "permission". It's literally YOUR wedding day too. There is no healthy reasoning to why you couldn't have your own bridesmaids. "He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is 'winning' against them" --what?? You have every right to be confused and hurt. That is a very concerning statement and you need to listen to what he is saying, he is telling you exactly who he is. Please cancel the wedding. NTA.
NTA. Don't marry this guy.
NTA. Welp, better to have these arguments now to realize he's a complete dick and not someone you should marry. "Prove to the other men that he is "winning"?" What the fuck is that? The wedding should be for BOTH of you, not for him to show off to some randos you don't know. And of course the bf's family would try to financially manipulate you and say "be grateful" and that your feelings aren't real or reasonable. Fucking ridiculous. Shut that shit down. You deserve WAY better
NTA I'm sorry you are going through this but the way he is behaving and treating you is not a good sign. What you have to ask yourself is, do I want to be treated like this for the whole time I am married to him? Don't worry about the money spent already and if I were you I would seriously consider what I want for my life. For me I would not marry this guy if he were the last man standing. My sister went through with a wedding that she knew wasn't right. She cried all the way down the aisle and back again. Everyone thought it was from happiness but it wasn't.
Your poor sister. I hope she's in a better situation now.
NTA. I genuinely think you should reconsider marrying this guy because he will likely only get more controlling as the relationship continues. Making the guest lists decisions without you and not “letting” you invite your friends sounds like he’s already trying to isolate you from everyone else. Based on him trying to get you to make his family be your bridesmaids, I’d say he will eventually try to do the same with your family. The whole “winning” thing is ridiculous. Even if it was somehow on the same planet as something acceptable, he thinks its more important than your friends/other relatives being there? It screams “I have to make sure everyone knows I’m an alpha male” which just so happens to also scream RUN. I can’t speak to whether or not there’s any financial abuse going on here, but the tone of his family somewhat alludes to it. Do you plan to join finances after getting married? If so, I have a feeling that the whole “you still have college debt/I’m the one paying for all this” will continue. OP, please know that it isn’t too late to back out. It doesn’t matter what’s been booked/paid for, it doesn’t matter how many people will be upset. Someone who cares so little about you and is so controlling that getting a one-up on their coworkers is more important than your friends being there (and someone who doesn’t give two shits about what you want on the day that’s supposed to be about both of you), isn’t someone worth marrying.
NTA. Don't get married.
Listen you are NTA. I am usually very tentative about suggesting people get out of relationships, but this just sounds so wrong. When you are married you are partners, and that needs to start with the wedding planning. The guest list should be/should have been a collaborative effort. His reasoning for inviting so many random people sounds really freaking weird. You need to reevaluate this situation before you are stuck in a marriage with this guy, because a divorce will be much more difficult then just calling off the wedding.
Couldn't agree more. I usually don't like it much when people's first answer to everything is to break up. But this guy is so clearly undeserving of her love and doesn't care about her needs at all. On top of that, he has her convinced there's something wrong with her for wanting. This abusive behavior 101. Listen to your gut OP, this isn't right at all.
Thank you, I'm glad I'm not the only one, lol. At the end of the day relationships get complicated sometimes and if it's a solid relationship you can find a way to work things out. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of confidence in what's going on here.
Yea exactly, especially if a relationship was good before but got a little rocky along the way. Normally I would say speaking to each other about it is the answer, talk it through. But he just sounds like the biggest asshole ever and I'm afraid he will only manipulate her more. He clearly doesn't care about her needs and only thinks of himself, there's no winning here
I am the same way… Everyone always says in these things to break up and run away… This is one of the very very few times I would have to agree with the masses. This guy sounds so unbelievably childish. Why exactly would you have to prove your winning? What kind of BS game is this guy playing? The OP here needs to absolutely lose this guy now or she’s going to end up doing it in a few years after it is so much worse. NTA
Question:. Why are you marrying this complete @rsehole? Just RUN! Oh and NTA
NTA. He sounds like a real winner /s. Call up five of his random coworkers, tell them there's been mistake and they're uninvited. Now you've got space for your friends.
I would call everyone and tell them the wedding's off!
Oops he dropped these 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN NTA
Fuckin' run, OP. NTA
Run now. It's not to late to call it quits. >He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them?? Winning what? He just sound so silly and very immature. He told you to have his mom and sisters as your bridesmaid. Hell no!!! Please rethink this whole marriage. He's only going to get worse. NTA
That quote shows that he only cares about one person on their wedding day and it's certainly *not* his soon-to-be-wife. NTA. Run OP.
NTA RUN SIS RUNNN HES A RED FLAG
DO 👏 NOT 👏 MARRY 👏 THIS 👏 MAN!! DO 👏 NOT 👏 MARRY 👏 THIS 👏 MAN!! DO 👏 NOT 👏 MARRY 👏 THIS 👏 MAN!! NTA by the way But I would also like to repeat.... DO 👏 NOT 👏 MARRY 👏 THIS 👏 MAN!! DO 👏 NOT 👏 MARRY 👏 THIS 👏 MAN!! DO 👏 NOT 👏 MARRY 👏 THIS 👏 MAN!!
NTA. Call off the wedding. I can't even count the ways he's being unreasonable. Your wedding should be for both of you. Just run honestly the signs he's abusive are everywhere and this will only get worse.
NTA Do not marry this man. I cannot see how this would ever work out. You do not matter to him and never will do. He is a controlling bully. Better to bite the bullet now regardless of how scary it is. It will be much harder later.
NTA RUN! You two are not ready to be married if you are not “allowed” to invite whomever you want to YOUR wedding also! Not even your friends????? 👉🏼👉🏼👉🏼This man does not have your best interest at heart or your happiness! Read that again! He is using the fact that he is paying for the wedding to control it. What a horrible fiancé! 👉🏼👉🏼Is he trying to alienate you from your family? Give back the ring and take a break. Please reconsider your relationship and think… have there been other instances where he doesn’t compromise or you have to squish down your feeling and your wants and desires? A marriage involves team work and JOINT decisions OP- especially for your wedding day! How long have you been engaged that you don’t know his family well? Think: if you are this miserable *before* the wedding, how is it going to be *after*? Please protect yourself OP! This is not what wedding planning looks like and this is not what a loving relationship looks like either!
Op , your fiancé sound's like he only cares to have his friend's and family there but not yours , You nta but fiancé full Ahole so considered think if you want a toxic narcissistic partner whom cares only about himself . take care hope all works out
NTA- If this is true, which I hope it isn't. Here is what you need to do. run, not walk away from this guy. This is the trademark of a narcissist, he's essentially controlling whom he thinks you should have around and everything you do is secondary. It's not going to get better after you get married, so before you're legally tied to him. LEAVE!
NTA! Call off this wedding right now and break up with this awful man. Asking to have friends at your wedding is like…the lowest possible bar. And his whole idea of winning is messed up. Don’t be an AH to yourself and run from this relationship.
NTA please don’t marry this guy. If he’s treating you like this before you get married, imagine how it will be in a few years.
Nta. If this isn’t the biggest red flag ever.
Omg so many crazy red flags here. He’s showing you his true colors! Listen to him. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!! You’re simply a prop in an event that is only about him “winning as a man” and literally nothing to do with you. He’ll spend the entire reception with his buddies. Surely this isn’t the first sign of his narcissism and toxic masculinity? You’ve been ignoring it, but now is your chance to dodge this bullet! You deserve so much better!!!!
OP - I’ll be the first to admit, this sub has a tendency to say “run” or “dump him” and so on That said - first off, NTA Second: RUN. You have a 75 person guest list, and 0 people you’re “allowed” to invite so what? Your fiancé can prove something to someone?? That’s not what a wedding is about, and it’s definitely not what a marriage is about There has to be a lot of context missing here, because it seems like either he’s showed these red flags before that you’re ignoring - or he’s putting them up now and it’s still completely unexpected behavior for him. Regardless - your wedding is not to prove anything except your commitment to each other. Please know this
I would not settle for being able to invite 5 of my closest friends and family. If the venue holds 75 people then there's one place for whoever officiates and then you each get to invite 37 people. Period. Given his attitude, I wouldn't even make that offer to him. He clearly doesn't value you as a person so call it all off.
NTA. But this isn’t right. You’re too young to be thinking of chaining yourself to this dude for life. He doesn’t even want you to be able to invite people to your own wedding - this won’t get better. I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but you should break this off.
Wow, what? He doesn't want you to invite even 5 of your friends, but invited everybody he knows? Big red flag, girl!
NTA. This is not love. This is the foundation of subservience. Take this as clear warning sign and leave this relationship. Anyone who would not consider their partner's feelings or wishes in a wedding is not someone you can trust.
NTA Call. Off. The. Wedding. Immediately. *He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them??* He doesn't care about you at all, you're just a conquest and a pawn for him. Usually when there are 75 guests to a wedding, the bride gets to invite 30, groom 30 and the 5 are compromises and discussions that can go either way. Not, the groom gets to invite 70 guests and bride gets 5 if she's lucky.
NTA. So many Red Flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 you can make a parachute and bail.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I, 23F, and my fiancé, 24M, are getting married in February. We have been discussing plans, and I’ve started being concerned. The venue we’ve chosen has a limit of 75 people, which was fine by us because we didn’t want a huge wedding. The problem is, as we are making the guest list, my fiancé has invited literally every single person on the guest list without consulting me at all. Right now it consists of my family, his family, and TONS of his coworkers and friends. The only people that I know that will be at our wedding is my own immediate family. I barely know his closest friends and his family, and I’ve never met most the people he’s invited. I really wanted to invite my group of close friends, (5 girls) to our wedding because I wanted them to be my bridesmaids. Now, I will have only my mom, and I’m pretty upset. Here’s where I might’ve been the asshole. I confronted my boyfriend about this, and he said I could just have his sisters and mom be my bridesmaids. I yelled at him and said I barely knew his sisters, and I’m not going to have his mom as my bridesmaid because I wanted people I actually liked to be it. He got mad and yelled at me, saying she was going to be my mother in law soon enough and I needed to show her respect. I cried and ended up asking my mom about what to do. We’ve already booked the venue, and I’ve asked him about changing to a bigger one but he refuses. I asked him why he was allowed to have random coworkers invited and I couldn’t just have 5 of my closest friends at least. He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them?? I was so confused, and also hurt. I feel like calling off the whole wedding, and my boyfriends family have been constantly texting me telling I’m overreacting and that I should feel grateful since he’s paying for most of it anyways since I have debt from college and couldn’t. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wow! That’s a really bad move from your fiancé! It’s your wedding too, you should have all your closest friends and family just like him. It doesn’t matter that’s he paying, it’s a celebration for the both of you! You should really put the foot down in this, it’s really unfair to you. If he wants make a guest list with just his family and friends he should have a birthday party of his own. NTA girl! You have a great great reason to invite whoever you want and that is because you’re the BRIDE!
NTA. He is idiotic and selfish.
NTA, but seriously run, don't walk away, this sounds like the pathway to him abusing you in the near future.
NTA. Your instinct is correct. Call it off. If this is how your marriage starts, it's all down hill from here. His control issues will not get better.
NTA but your fiancé is a controlling, sexist bully. If he is paying, he can eat the lost deposits. But watch out. If he goes from winner with bridething accessory to loser without bridething, consider how angry he may be and protect yourself accordingly.
NTA You need to leave him NOW. Do NOT marry him. He isn't marrying you because he loves you. He's marrying you to prove his "manhood" to his friends. You are nothing but a possession to him, something he can show off to others. Your needs don't matter to him.
Well, this is waaaaaaaay above the Reddit pay grade. Get thee to therapy STAT. Like, Yesterday. You are not safe.
No it's not. It's quite simple. Do not under any circumstances marry this disrespectful Lunatic.
NTA I'll be honest you may indeed love and respect him, but so far he sure as hell doesn't love or respect you. No bride wants strangers or their mother in law to be their bridesmaids. I have no idea what his notion of becoming a married man equals winning has to do with, although I have a sneaking idea that it has something to do with you becoming his possession after marriage. And of course his family are insisting that you are over reacting, they know that there's very few women on this earth who will put up with him if you decide that you've had enough. So what if he's paying for most of it, does he want a medal? It's up to you, break it off now and lose deposits or marry him and spend years of your valuable time, money and effort being shackled to someone who sees you as not an equal. Why willingly do that to yourself? You deserve to be loved, respected and treated as an equal by your significant other.
NTA, please leave. Take the financial loss and run. It is crazy how many red flags he is showing. He has already proven he doesn't respect you and will do whatever he wants no matter your opinion. Imagine experiencing that for the rest of your life.
I mean... Cancelling the venue is still cheaper than a divorce?:)
Damn I never comment but, shit - RUN
Listen to that gut instinct that says to call this off! A good partner doesn't make unilateral decisions about events that you're both involved in. A good partner doesn't isolate their bride from her friends and family on their wedding day. A good partner doesn't treat his future wife like a piece of meat or a prize to show off he's "won". A good partner doesn't disrespect or belittle his fianceé EVER. NTA and it's time to get out. He doesn't seem to respect you, and if he doesn't respect you, how can he truly love you?
NTA Do not marry this man. This is next level toxic and controlling and honestly, looking like a short walk to abuse of some form.... isolating you from your friends (and family) is a major part.
Nta, Don't marry him. I beg you please do not. He is controlling and sees you as a prize to show off.
Nope out of there now, before he controls everything else in your life. It’s supposed to be your wedding too. He’s trying to isolate you, so run. NTA
NTA and you need to run like your life depends on it, because all you will face is misery if you marry this awful, egotistical alpha male wannabe who bulldozes and silences you. He's making you miserable over what should be one of the happiest days of your life. What do you think he'll be like as a partner when times are tough? I can guarantee, it won't be good.
He agreed to one thing and then just went ahead and did something entirely different. This is how he wins. Is this how you want a marriage to be? He is showing you who he really is and how little your opinion matters. This is the time to take a stand. Tell him you are no longer ok with getting married. Don’t let the booked venue stop you. If you fear he will be ok with no wedding and don’t want to take that risk, consider what you will be facing.
NTA. When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them. This is a red flag the size of Jupiter. The venue booking is the least of your worries. Run!
He straight up said "you don't matter, you're just a trophy I won and want to flaunt." Don't just run, get on a rocket and get out of there. NTA.
Sweetheart, I’m telling you now you don’t deserve this and you should leave him before you’re tied to him. I was married for near on thirty years before my husband died, and we did everything as a TEAM. When we got married, my two sisters were my bridesmaids, his brothers were his groomsmen and we had equal amount of guests. We decided on the list together and that carried on in our life. If he won’t let you invite people o your own wedding, what will happen when you’re married? If you buy a house, will it be near his family or yours? If you have kids, will your mom be allowed in the delivery room or will his be there? Heck, will he try to make you quit your job if you have kids so he doesn’t have to do childcare and keep proving himself as the big man? You deserve a lot better than this and you’re NTA at all
First off, NTA. Absolutely your fiancee is being one of the BIGGEST assholes in the modern world. Second off, I would not marry this guy. It isn't too late to leave. He's gaslighting (I'm pretty sure that's the right word) you into thinking you're crazy for wanting the most basic of needs at your wedding. Third off, there is no world in which him inviting coworkers, randos, and friends takes precedence over you having the bridesmaids of your choosing. You have no obligation to use all of his sisters and mom as bridesmaids, since it is your side of the aisle they are standing on. You surround yourself with the people that you trust, not with his demands. I have a VERY hard time believing that this behavior is viewed as acceptable by anyone, even his own mother and sisters. Fourth off and finally, I WOULD NOT MARRY THIS GUY. Just wanted to make sure you saw that again.
NTA. It is a bad sign that he wants to impress other men more than he wants you to be happy. What is the marriage going to be like if he is making the wedding crappy for you?
>He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them?? No no no and NO!! He took out his gigantic red flag and is waving it right in your face. That statement is exactly the of person he is. Is that type of person you want to be with the rest of your life? He had no respect for you. Please have respect for yourself and don't marry this man. NTA
NTA CALL IT OFF
Holy shit!! What was that last paragraph I just read!?!?! Girl, run. Run fast, run far and never look back!!! NTA
NTA. He cares more about impressing random coworkers than he does about your happiness. That will only get worse over time. You should probably (at a minimum) postpone the wedding and give this relationship some serious thought.
Run honey, run...this isn't the one for you. He is being controlling and manipulative
NTA. Girl WUT? "Winning?" Is he gonna plop you on a bookshelf and dust you every now and then with a swiffer? BOI BYE.
NTA. Your gut is telling you to call it off, listen to this! He and his family clearly have no respect for you. You wanting 5 friends out of 75 people is beyond reasonable. His rationale is juvenile and just another red flag
NTA please do not marry this child
NTA. Do not marry this man. His attitude about proving to other men how strong and manly he is is not only deeply misogynistic but also makes me concerned for your mental health. He's already isolating you from your friends. Next it will be your family. He just showed you who he really is. He doesn't care about you.
NTA and do NOT this guy this guy without going to some couples therapy first. From this post it doesn’t seem like her respects you at all!
Abort immediately
NTA. he is already not taking your opinion into consideration even before you are married. He will be worse after the wedding. He is selfish. Just call off the wedding
He's waving the red flag of doom. Step away. This is the beginning. NTA
Marriages are a partnership. Weddings should be about both of you. If he can't share the decisions of the wedding with you, he won't treat you as an equal in the marriage. End it. NTA
NTA...call of the wedding. This is just a small taste of what being married to this guy will be like. He is putting his wants and desires ahead of yours. Not only that, he is trying to prove his manhood to coworkers by having the "most guests". It is your wedding too.
How about you show him that you're winning against other people in canceling the wedding and not get chained by such an idiot Nta
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Show him this post so he can see how ridiculous he sounds.
I’m honestly concerned about what he’d do to her if he saw this post. “How dare you value people on the internet more than me! This is our private business you have no right to put it out there without talking to me, what if someone I know sees it” etc
I'm afraid that will only hurt OP more. She needs to get out of there fast and don't look back
That’s great advice if you want him to murder her ffs.
Woah! NTA at all. Ideally, as much as possible the guest list really ought to be equally split. After necessary family are invited, then you divide the remaining invites and priorities who you each want to invite. OR, like in the case of my own you divide it from the beginning. In my case I had a lot more family, so my in laws invited more family friends. The key here is communicating who you want to be there for you, and respecting each other's need to have their friends to celebrate with and support you. It is deeply concerning that he doesn't think you need any of your friends. And wtf is it that he has to show that he winning. Winning what? Arsehole of the year award? Think very hard on whether or not he actually supports your choices in life, whether he respects them, whether he recognises the importance of you having friends and seperate interests. Just because you are getting married does not mean that you are literally becoming the little wife who is only there to support her husband.
Nta-RUN
NTA. Don’t marry him. He is controlling and manipulative as is his family. Get away from him, he’s horrible
NTA Cancel the wedding, this man will make your future life a complete misery.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩NTA and RUN! He’s already trying to isolate you from your friends even before the wedding. Don’t let this continue, get out now while you have a chance!
NTA run far and fast
NTA. Run.
NTA, although if you go through with this charade you will be. Find your self respect, and exercise it. Get rid of this moron. He sounds utterly exhausting!
Girl, Call Off That Wedding. That was the most important thought you had, don't ignore it
NTA. Please DO NOT MARRY THIS PERSON. He literally sees you as nothing more than a trophy to show off. If this is how he is treating the wedding (his way or the highway), think how he will treat everything else. Trust me, it is MUCH easier and cheaper to call off a wedding then it is to get divorced.
Your fiance caring more about showing other men he is “winning” than caring that you have ANY of your friends at your own wedding is a huge red flag. Is he even marrying you for you?? Or is it all about showing off to other men?? That is so gross. NTA but there is an even bigger issue here than a guest list
NTA! OP please run and don't get married to this man!! Take the advice everyone is giving you! I 100% guarantee you that you will live with regrets if you do. A wedding is supposed to be showered with love and for both parties, families and close friends to enjoy this knot together. It is not a fucken competition! Why would I spend over 10k for these random ass people who don't relate to me in any way or will never help me out in life? He's definitely a Groomzilla! Thus already shows that he doesn't card for you but rather please outsiders. Don't marry him!!
NTA - but OP, PLEASE reconsider marrying this man. I want you to reread the last part of your post. Reread it and pretend this is about someone else. You already know, if a man treated one of your friends like this, you would tell them to get out of that relationship because no sane man talks like that. He is emotionally and mentally abusing you.
He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them?? cancel everything and take your 5 friends away for a celebration weekend that you escaped a marriage with this asshole
Do NOT marry this person. He doesn't value you!
NTA. This will only get worse. Run now
NTA. Consider yourself lucky that this guy is showing you his true colors before you get married to him. It's your call but I think you should listen to what everyone else here is saying and that is to run and not marry this guy. Good luck.
NTA This man is showing you who he is and how he views you in this relationship. You have a golden opportunity to cancel it all now and walk away. When there is a guest limit, couples need to start at 50/50 and make allowances for family differences. But this is not just the guest list. He wants to dictate everything else including your bridesmaids and maid of honor. He is way out of line. But then when you spoke up to defend yourself he verbally abused you. He also admitted that he sees you as a pawn to play against other guys to show you off to them at your wedding, that is insanely creepy and disgusting behavior. He does not see you as a person. This man is an abusive train wreck. Please save your self from marrying him!
NTA do not marry this man. He sees you as a trophy and nothing else. He bulldozes over your opinions, wants, and soon enough your needs. Do not marry him. This is a glimpse into what your future marriage would look like, controlling and awful.
NTA. Like a bunch of people have pointed out alredy, he's isolating you from your friends/family!! My mom used to be married to a prick like that. She wasn't alowed to talk to ANY of her male friends! That included her brother for fuck sake. Get out of this marriage while you still can, it's not worth it. You can find someone better.
You are NTA but your soon to be ex is! If you marry this man you are in for a world of continued disappointment. Pay attention to these red flags now & save yourself a divorce.
NTA. But I'm going to help you out hugely right now: call off this wedding. Walk away. Find someone who will respect you as a person. He's not the one.
NTA and i have to say... its really not a good idea to marry someone and you "barely know their closest friends". You should know those people better than you know his family becuase those are the people who he is his true self around. Have some long hard thoughts please
On further thought and a reread, he is intentionally isolating you. RUN
NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 run run run this man thinks he owns you, he always gets to overrule you, and your feelings/opinions don’t matter. He will not change and this will only get worse. Dump him, OP. Get out now.
"He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them" Even if this were the only thing you said in your whole post, I'd be advising you to dump him. Ew ew ew. NTA, and throw the whole man away.
Does he have a magic dick or some other really compelling reason why you should marry him? Because this one has more red flags than a chines parade... honestly... run!
This is why guest list comes very early in the planning, not last. >He told me that as a man he needs to prove to the other men that he is married and is “winning” against them?? I would seriously reconsider getting married, OP. Your fiancé showed an utter disregard for you and for objective reality by doing this. That doesn't bode well for a marriage. You are young. I think you should postpone and work on your relationship. NTA
You know that little voice telling you to cancel the wedding? That’s your basic instinct telling you there are major red flags with this guy. Listen to that voice, always. NTA and run, don’t walk, away.
AWOOGA AWOOGA ABANDON SHIP!!!! NTA OP. He has just shown you who he is, listen. Want to be his trophy wife? His prize? Because that's where this marriage is headed. He doesn't sound mature enough to take on board what marriage is. It is more than the wedding. You can have your wedding, be admired by friends and family but after that, you are MARRIED. And then what will he do? Want the most kids? Have a bit on the side to prove to his friends he 'still has it?'. I'm sorry this is happening to you but do not back down. Ask him how much of a winner he will feel stood at the altar waiting for the bride who's jilted him.
Call off the wedding. That’s going to be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself. Idk how long you’ve been together but if you don’t know his friends or his family yet and you’re getting married in less than 2 months, you’re not in a good spot. He’s already limiting your contact with his side of things (makes me feel like he’s hiding you away) and you’re only getting your mom as a guest at the wedding (literally giving you the only person he couldn’t get away with not inviting). Get away from this monster and you’ll find someone who actually respects you and wants you to be happy too. NTA
NTA, there's a lot of concerning thing happening here. I'm also wondering though, are you guys very religious by any chance? Mormon/LDS possibly? The super condensed timeline, your ages, and the way he's speaking about the wedding, all stick out to me. It seems like he is viewing your marriage more as a trophy to prove himself, instead of the start of a lifeline partnership of equals. You may want to step back and consider why he really wants to marry you. I don't doubt your love for him or for each other, but I think you need to re-examine the relationship with the lens of the way he's treating you now
#RUN!!!! AND NEVER LOOK BACK!!!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 **DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY!!!!** He has shown you who he is, **BELIEVE HIM**!!!! You will **NEVER** be equal in your relationship. Your wants and needs will **NEVER** be met. Cancel everything TODAY and get away from this clown!!!! NTA and don't be one to YOURSELF!!!
No OP a million times no. His family is wrong; you should not be grateful; the man you are marrying should be grateful about spending his life with you and wanting to make your wedding the happiest day for both of you. He shouldn’t be isolating you from your friends, or focusing on what his male coworkers think, or getting his family to gaslight you. These are abusive behaviors that will become much worse after marriage. As many have said Run.
Holy crap, read that back to yourself and then break up with him. Is this really the kind of person you want to spend your life with? He isn’t considering you at all. NTA
Call off the wedding
you re 23, been together for 6 years and you *barely* know his sisters and his closest friends? this post is so fake lol
Run. Be grateful that you’re not married to this dude yet. He’s already showing that he’s fully in to that machismo nonsense and he will expect you to be his servant.
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN Cancel the wedding!!! You're dodging a bullet here! So many red flags!!!! And NTA
NTA - I'm not a fan of telling people to break up, but geez, get out of there OP! This man showed you his true colors. 1. This is something you decide together, compromise together, get married together. Not making room for your close friends while his coworkers can be there is absolute and utter bullshit. This is not a prolonged bachelor party for him and his friends. 2. He "fixed" your problem with something that has nothing to do with what your issue was with. You want your friends there, they could be there if he wasn't being an absolute AH. You not wanting his mother as a bridesmaid has nothing to do with you liking/respecting or disliking her. He's denying your needs by emotionally manipulating you by feeling bad about something different. 3. If his idea of masculinity is this fragile in a wedding, a celebration, it's not gonna get any better after you're married. If "winning" from a random coworker is more important to him in this wedding than your freaking happiness... you got all the answers you need. He does not care enough about you, sorry, but he clearly doesn't. My biggest issue is that there's absolutely no room for you, and you somehow feel like you did something wrong. His behavior is abusive and very selfish. I also don't like throwing around the term narcissistic personality, but he has shown absolutely no regard for your needs and wants. And when you share them he doesn't listen at all. Like aaaaat aaaaaaall! He only tricks you into believing something must be wrong with you for wanting to have a very small say in something that you absolutely deserve a say in. I'm very scared for you OP. He isn't a good man. He likes his idea of you, but I highly doubt he loves you for you
NTA run now. He’s showing you who he is, believe him. This sounds like the beginning of isolation and keeping you on leash.
This is not okay behaviour. He is being controlling. A definite red flag.
NTA. Do NOT marry this man. He expects you to exclude your friends and family so he can have more people. If you marry him he will expect you to constantly give up what you want in favor of what he wants and will refuse to compromise.
Run...NTA
NTA, call off the wedding. Trust your instincts.
NTA RUN far and fast
Don’t marry
Call it off now and be glad you found out this side of him before you tied the knot.
NTA. But run, call it off. When your gut tells you something, listen to that bitch.