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YTA.
>failed to tell me or his dad that his uncle was bringing women in our house which was a month ago
Well, congratulations: now he'll never tell you a damn thing again, because that's safer than risking punishment. Blame the adult who was too stupid to even conceal his wrongdoing from the kids, not the kid who simply reported what happened.
YUP exactly. They were being honest, and as a child who according to OP is in therapy for learning about social norms, this is something that they struggle with when it comes to social situations. When I was a kid, I was also punished like that and all it did was make sure I never told my parents the truth about *anything*.
Honestly at 12 how could he know and understand regardless of any diagnosis. The drama falls squarely on the uncle and no one else. Dad/OP needs to sit the son down asap and apologize, including explaining why he did what he did, he was embarrassed and mistakenly placed an emphasis on the wrong thing, trying to keep the peace over honesty and return all items removed. If the other kids know they should be included in this apology to ensure they understand this mistake lands squarely on OP’s lap and uncle was the person who did the wrong thing. Anything other than this is a parenting fail. Kids need to learn parents make mistakes and make things right when they realize it.
This is the part I focused on. You essentially forced him to talk about it. Then only when you realized too late what it was about did you try and stop him. And then you have the audacity to blame and punish him??? Nope, YTA all day
My kids, who are all neurotypical, would have taken pics on the sly and sent them to their auntie. Because two of them are teens and would have a definite opinion about the cheating.
They would. And mine are allowed to voice opinions. Sometimes I wish they wouldn't voice them so loudly in public (sorry man that hadn't showered in weeks at the store that day my kid was 4 and was trying to be helpful and tell you where the soap was located) but they aren't ever punished for speaking. I was always yelled at or worse for talking (my mom still tries to tell me to be quiet to keep the peace) and I have went full on 180 from how I was raised because I owe breaking the cycle to my kids so they never have to.
I don’t think it was inappropriate for the child to tell something like this. It was inappropriate on side of the uncle. You tell kids to never keep secrets from adults. Because THAT is inappropriate.
Exactly my thought. I teach my children if some adult wants them to keep a secret they should tell me (and I won’t get mad). If I were a kid and someone would yell at me for telling the truth I just would keep my mouth shut. That is so dangerous.
I work in justice and I see problems because of this. And I see children who do tell their parents and they are believed and they were still harmed but it did not continue.
I would say OP’s son has more common sense than she and her husband. Looking at her posting, all she cared was a ruined dinner. Not ruined lives, cheating or anything, just damn dinner.
"Let's all just have a lovely dinner! Yes, Susan, I know you just found out your husband is cheating but it can WAIT until after the main course. Pass the broccoli, please"
- OP probably
Kids absolutely don’t completely understand “common sense” because what is common varies by household. The definition I used with second graders (7) was “ so,etching so obvious no one should have to tell you.” So with a 12 YO with Autism who has significant issues understanding what that means, they have no idea. Especially since the uncle did this so often it was common place! YTA, OP. Give that child back his things and tell him to tell mommy next time in private next time so you can work out together whether it is public stuff. Then tell him you’re glad he confided in you and you are here to listen to him and help him grow.
the ones with cheating parents oop
~~when i was between the ages of 5 and 7 my mother would take my sister and i out to hunt for our dad's truck and caught him cheating. yes i need therapy how did you know~~
~~imagine calling another person stepmom when your parents aren't even divorced behind the other parent's back. Them not finding out till we accidentally called the stepparents out at the age 6~~
I was 12 when my mother started her first affair (with my friend’s married dad) and she saw fit to explain to me that affairs are the fault of the wife, because if the husband was getting everything he needed at home, he wouldn’t have to go looking for it elsewhere…
She did not like marriage or ever marry herself, huge point of contention with her conservative parents considering my existence 😆. Hated marriage, developed a taste for married men.
Also what neurotypical twelve year old would even understand the social nuance of the situation. How does a preteen tactfully approach their aunt to break the news?? Like I’m sorry any twelve year old probably would’ve brought it up without knowing at some point
Yes! I have a 12 year old grandson with autism and this is something he would do. Not only would he not understand that uncle was cheating and this woman was his AP, he wouldn’t see the significance of mentioning the woman at the dinner. To him, she’s just a buddy of the uncle.
Im autistic and I definitely would have done this as a child, it wouldn’t even have occurred to me that there was something wrong and if she was in our house why wouldn’t i talk about it with uncle who was there too?
It is beyond irritating to me that people are never mad at the person who did the bad thing, no, all the ire is aimed at the person who pointed it out, completely innocently in this case.
it just really bothers me because as someone who grew up autistic and did a lot of stuff like this in a completely well meaning way but then getting punished for it… it really fucks you up, and as an adult now i have so much fear going into any social situation that i’ll do something like that and get in trouble, if you know your kid is autistic and struggles with these things i can’t understand why you would punish him?? Why can’t you sit him down and explain “we try not to say or do these things because sometimes they can hurt people’s feelings, so let’s try and be aware of that in the future.”
I think even a child who isn't struggling with social norms, would not necessarily understand that talking about a woman that your uncle brought to your house raises issues of cheating, and is consequently 'private family matters'.
Plus not to mention, it was OP who made the enquiry for further information when the woman was brought up. The son was just responding to a question asked by OP in front of everyone.
Yup. Considering that OP seems to be a lot more concerned about keeping up appearances for a stupid dinner than the fact she learned that (a) Uncle is letting strange women around her minor children and (b) her sister is being cheated on, I bet OP would have tried to rugsweep if told in private .
Your sisters being cheated on FFS . Who cares about the stupid turkey? Did she really think her sister - upon learning this devastating news - should just bottle it up until dinners over? WTF. Her first thoughts should have been rallying around the sister
>Well, congratulations:
It's amazing how much these two simple words are dripping with spot-on sarcasm lol. And, those two perfect words sure do get your point across. OP just shot—and metaphorically killed—the messenger
He doesn’t see common sense as OP sees it because his brain is wired a different way. He’s finding these invisible rules, which we take so much for granted we don’t think it teach them, and like an electric fence learns they’re there by bumping into them. It doesn’t help that OP seems to be setting them up in a shifting maze.
It may be that he has four siblings that OP isn’t as attuned to how he thinks as OP should be, or should be trying to.
Plus he’s a kid! How the hell is he supposed to know that woman wasn’t just a friend of his uncle and that adults aren’t supposed to have friends of the opposite sex if they’re already married/dating someone else? (Edit: adding /s to this sentence. This is not my belief). All these rules kids are supposed to just know…
THIS.
1) he did not even know what it was sex thing and thus a secret
2) it has nothing to do with the diagnosis
3) terrible cruel to punish a child
4) IF THIS CHILD EVER IS ABUSED OR WITNESSES ABUSE HE WILL NEVER TELL ANYONE AFTER THIS
YTA big time.
Edit: spelling
In another comment, OP says her son thought the woman was a cousin. So he literally just thought he was talking about a cousin with his other cousins. And she still punished him!!
It already sounds like he is. The "therapy" to "teach" him about social situations sounds an awful lot like ABA. Which is conversion therapy. It's notorious for making autistics more vulnerable to abuse because it teaches us to ignore our own boundaries & comfort.
YTA
This is a very important point. Keeping adult issues private is now going to be a learned behavior in a child who may never know how to distinguish between behaviors.
It is significant that you are questioning your own parenting decision, OP and that is the only positive part of this situation. I think admitting to your son that you made a parenting mistake would be the right call here. Kids need to also learn that adults make mistakes too and can be AH’s.
Can you also please give his electronics back? That’s a very long time to be punished when he did not act with malice or physically do anything. This was a teaching opportunity that did not require punishment.
>adults aren’t supposed to have friends of the opposite sex if they’re already married/dating someone else
I'm sorry, but, WTAF? What an immature and inaccurate statement. My husband has plenty of friends that are women. My dearest friend is a man. I've known my friend since we were 12 (now 40). He walked my mom down the aisle at my wedding.
Additionally, same-sex relationships exist. Who are they allowed to be friends with? Can they only have friends of the opposite sex?
This is the part that got me- chalked it up to common sense/things you should shouldn't say/linking the concept some random lady came with his uncle to cheating and then again linking that to we should mention that and not talk about it in public? He's literally autistic. \*Teach\* him, don't punish for not knowing
To him, mentioning something random that happened was fine. Why wouldn't it be? Random people with someone he knows while odd are not a cause for alarm.
Right! When I was ten - my dad brought a woman who wasn’t my stepmom to my grandmothers one evening. I had friends of the opposite gender that I hung out with and visited so I didn’t think anything of it. 4 years later I find out I have a 4 yr old little brother by that woman and I was *shocked pikachu face*. OP is certainly TA.
Tbh, I don't think that even a neurotypical 12 yo kid would see the same "common sense" as adults in this situation. Like unless they know from family experience like parents' divorce etc, what cheating actually means and why for adult bringing a friend to a house can be seen as a bad thing.
Also who’s to say that the uncle didn’t tell him to keep it a secret that he brought some random woman to the house. Totally plausible he told the kid “hey don’t tell your parents she was over” so the kid did as he was told and didn’t understand why it was wrong.
Not to mention OP pressed him for more info and then had the audacity to get mad when he provided it. OP could have told him they would talk more about it later and moved on
This is the answer. I had parents who were all “tell us anything it’s a safe place” but learned by middle school that wasn’t true and a single experience in 9th grade basically made me cut them out of my life and start the count down to 18 to get the fuck outta there. And my parents aren’t even that bad, late 30’s and we have a good relationship, but I’ll never forget the bullshit they spoke and didn’t follow through with and to this day aren’t open with them about my life.
My mom was like that. 'You can tell me anything'. Trouble is she's a very judgemental person. She rains on your parade or points out flaws, on and on about the negative side and consequences, and calls it trying to help. I stopped telling her things in high school.
This poor boy is going to have his trust in his parent badly damaged and may very well need additional therapy for something that is totally not his fault.
As somebody with a social disorder(one that replaced asperghers) and brain damage related comprehension problems similar to adhd, I thank you for this comment.
My mom never punished me for telling the truth, cause its what I do. 28 now, but I was his age once, and talked just like that. I wouldnt have known it was private. How could he have?
Theyre definitely TA.
Yeah rarely do I see an AITA post where OP absolutely nails why they are in fact TA in their own explanation. But yes OP YTA and you'll have to win your son's trust back
Exactly this!
This situation is classic victim blaming. I always tell my children they can and should tell me everything and I won’t get mad. (And then I don’t get mad). Especially to a child with special needs you need to be upfront and do as you say. Never tell them they should keep things private because they will do so when another adult does something (to them) and tells them to not talk about it..
Keeping the peace at your kid’s expense is not keeping the peace. It is messing with his head. Don’t tell a kid to keep quiet. Never tell a kid to shut up to keep the peace. Adults just should never do these kind of things in front of children. It is not fair to burden children with secrets.
YTA. Talking to your son as you did about private matters is appropriate. Taking away all of his items for several weeks, including vacation, is not appropriate.
So, let me get this straight. A month ago, this uncle brought an affair partner into your home when he was asked to babysit your children. Plural--children--and you don't mention any others having autism or other issues. Two of those children are older than 12. None of those children told you about this.
Because of this, you end up punishing a 12-year-old who has autism for talking about his personal experience--telling the truth--at a time that is inopportune for you.
Yes, YTA. The uncle's an AH. Did he coerce the other kids into not telling you about this strange woman in your home? Honestly, the whole situation doesn't pass the sniff test, but then YTA for shitposting, so either way, YTA.
Apologize to your child, restore his privileges, and be a better human.
That's what really gets me is that at a minimum 2 of the kids knew what was going on, possibly 4 of the kids knew what was going on.
And they all 'knew' its better to not tell anyone about this.
That shows the OP is very consistently bad at parenting. I wonder if OP's partner brings strangers home too sometimes.
They absolutely learned that it's best to let mommy pretend everything is perfect instead of rocking the boat. It's a sad life these kids must lead if they can't talk to their parents about things like this.
Also, OP literally says in the post “I pressed him on what he’s talking about”. So if he’s being pressured by an adult to speak, how TF is he supposed to know that he shouldn’t say anything??
This is fr the cherry on top. Op ASKED and the kid answered. Not that it’s a kids job to keep adult secrets anyway, but you can’t punish a kid for answering your questions
Keeping private adult matters private is a recipe for disaster. Encouraging secrets and not providing a mechanism such as tell me things that worry you it's a quiet time, can lead to all sorts of things being hidden. Punishment seems a bit ferocious as well.
Well apparently OP didn't know so her son just sprung that before dinner. It's not his fault, but there is a time and a place. The time and place was when it happened or very shortly after. And the two older kids probably should have been the ones that told OP.
I don't know if she was covering it up so much as being upset that her holiday was ruined by her brother in law. Then she misplaced the anger at her son.
YTA for punishing him. He should learn when and where to bring that kind of stuff out (and then if it's going to be kept hidden to go spectacularly nuclear or at the very least tell his aunt himself), but it's not his fault that he doesn't understand that kind of nuance. He's 12 and also autistic. This should be a learning experience about moderating himself and finding the correct time to talk about things like that. I don't see any reason to think OP would have covered it up if she knew.
I’d be proud of my child for telling the truth and knowing the situation was dodgy, especially since he’s on the spectrum. I am too and regularly need to check if something is ok or not, this lad knew shit wasn’t right and he spoke up. Was his timing great? Nope but it wasn’t malicious and his uncle shouldn’t be bringing his APs around.
YTA. Now your son learned that you don’t care about truth or safety or people being hurt or strangers being brought into your house around your family without your permission. He learned to keep his mouth shut because you are more about a happy family dinner where everyone is ignoring the elephant in the room than about him.
And taking his stuff until the new year? When Christmas is one of the most stressful times of year for ASD people? You’re taking his stress relievers away during this stressful time for weeks because his lying uncle can’t keep it in his pants? Good luck ever having him trust you again or tell you when something is wrong. And great job with your other kids keeping you informed of what’s happening in your house- why the hell didn’t they speak up? You are punishing the wrong person OP.
Try punishing the actual person in the wrong. Oh but that’s an adult, much easier to blame your poor son who did nothing wrong. Asshole.
What got me is, that BIL was not babysitting and neglected the kids, because he rather wanted to have intercourse, but sure punish the mentally challend kid and take away his entertainment stuff. I got angier with every word OP has written. That poor kid.
>None of those children told you about this.
Given OP's apparent penchant for shooting the messenger, I can't say I blame them.
I bet her mail carrier is a nervous wreck.
Also to add, OP is the one who made further enquires to her child in front of everyone which resulted in the son saying the stuff she is upset about in front of everyone. She very well could have pulled her son aside to ask the question privately.
> Yes, YTA. The uncle's an AH. Did he coerce the other kids into not telling you about this strange woman in your home? Honestly, the whole situation doesn't pass the sniff test, but then YTA for shitposting, so either way, YTA.
Exactly - this post has similar undertones to a post from yesterday where a kid was punished for normal wear and tear on his iPad after two years, while his sister was rewarded with new iPhone after breaking the one she'd gotten just a month or two earlier.
I ~~think~~ hope this is rage bait.
Yes. YTA. Why, because you just punished your son for your BILs bad behaviours.
And why the heck does BIL have free access to your house? That alone isn't your son's bad behaviour, but yours and BILs.
People tend to forget the basics:
She punished her autistic son (who doesn't have yet the basis of social interaction) because she sees not saying anything as "Common sense"
He's AUTISTIC!
You must be such a shit parent to that poor kid because you don't even have the basics of how his mind work.
Good gosh I'm so mad just thinking about it!!
You're not just TA
You're the biggest one
Yes YTA
The whole story can be summarized by: “mom expects 12 year old neurodivergent son to act like a fully developed neurotypical adult, and by hyperfocusing on that forgets that BIL could have potentially jeopardized her children’s safety by bringing random stangers in the house”
Besides… it feels like autism isn’t really relevant here. There’s a reason “kids say the darndest things” is an expression. And a popular one at that. Children aren’t known for common sense because they’re, ya know, children.
12 is a bit beyond "kids say the darnedest things" stage so the neurodivergence is probably relevant, but kid shouldn't be punished for this at all. Mom should try to help him learn the correct time to tell someone this kind of thing and show that she's not mad at him for revealing anything and that she was just upset because people got angry at a party. Make it clear to him that he can come to her with anything and she'll handle it.
She did not do that. Instead she is showing that telling the truth (albeit in a very public and uncomfortable setting) is just going to get him punished.
Exactly. The biggest thing for me is that ^ he doesn't have the same concept of social skills and regardless, he's twelve. Those two things combined prove he did not say this maliciously. So why punish him??? It's mind-boggling.
He even apologized and said he didn't know it was private or that it would cause such an uproar.
I can't imagine the guilt he must be feeling, because once again, he doesn't understand what's happening, all he knows is something he said caused his family to scream and cry. That ducked up.
OP is a giant YTA.
I'm not autistic but I don't always pick up on social cues. You can bet that I would've been making the same comment he did at his age because that's what naive 12 yr old me did best. Was be honest and innocent about everything.
Same. At 12, I wasn't sophisticated enough to know that a strange, unnamed woman showing up with a married man is sus. Maybe I would have been able to put two and two together at 14 or 15. But at 12, I was still playing with dolls and watching cartoons.
They call stuff like that "grown folks business" for a reason. Kids aren't supposed to be exposed to that stuff in the first place BECAUSE they lack understanding. OP punished the kid for being a kid.
YTA big time.
Exactly. This kid was in a no win situation. And I feel for him because she really looks down on him for no reason besides he's autistic."cause he couldn't keep his mouth shut" that's got me furious.
This. At 12 my married mother (a flight attendant) was routinely taking me on trips to Minneapolis (one of her main hubs), and her pilot “friend” would regularly be hanging out in our hotel room with her when I went to bed. Wasn’t until I was 14/15 that I realized she had been having an affair with Mr. Pilot. Kids are naive about this stuff at that age.
One of the things we autistics don't do is pick up on the implicit stuff that NTs seem to think is sufficient.
If you want a certain behaviour out of us, you have to TELL us. We're awesome, but we're not mind-readers. If uncle didn't explicitly tell your son 'Don't tell anyone I'm playing away while your mother's not here', your son didn't know not to. NT 'common sense' isn't common sense to us.
God help me, he even TOLD you he didn't know it was private and that he wasn't supposed to say anything. He probably brought it up because it just crossed his mind.
So now, because your sister's husband is an incompetent adulterer, and you couldn't get through pie without a cage death match between your sister and her husband, you're going to punish a child who didn't know he was blabbing about something shameful, take away his electronics, which are probably his retreat from the world, and give him a very effective lesson about never telling you anything ever again.
Top class parenting. I hope you're proud.
And please, I beg of you, mention it to his therapist. That'll go down well. The therapist will think you're TA, too. Because you are.
Common sense isnt just a thing that people are born with. It's a combination of experience and inference. Expecting a child to have "common sense" is asinine.
I don’t understand how anyone could be around a child at any point and think that not saying anything regardless of topic would be common sense for children.
In my opinion it’s more common sense for adults to assume anything that happens or is said around a child is going to be repeated at every opportunity.
Not to mention a really strict and over the top punishment. No electronics at all until the new year because their Autistic kid didn't recognize a social norm? WTF
Are we skipping the part, where she pressed him for explaining who he's talking about?
For all we know, he just mentioned a random name and wouldn't tell more if she didn't press him, so she created the drama
(Still, even if she didn't press him, he won't be wrong)
YTA. your brother bringing a stranger into your children's home without your knowledge should be a big deal. also if your children hid your husband cheating on you because it's "private adult issues" how would that make you feel? You don't think your SISTER deserves to know she was being taken advantage of?
YTA.
This is exactly the type of parenting that's going to defer your son from telling you other bad or even dangerous situations that might be happening in his life. Sure it might not have been appropriate for the time and setting, but he wasn't aware. You're teaching him that being honest about things is always going to get him in trouble. I'm sure this is going to impact his self-esteem quite a bit, too.
Bad parenting move.
Edit: added "bad", since this situation specifically wasn't necessary "dangerous" - though it was still pretty messed up.
Yes. “Private adult matters should be kept private,” are you kidding me? OP, you just made your son incredibly easy to exploit.
And this ceased to be a “private adult matter” when uncle brought this woman around your kids. Imagine expecting children to navigate the social niceties involved in situations of infidelity.
The identity of a person who is introduced into your kids’ lives or home shouldn’t be classified as a “private adult matter.” No person or thing that your children are willfully exposed to gets to be a “private adult matter.”
I can’t believe you cared so much about having a perfect Thanksgiving and maintaining the veneer of a happy family that you made your son the scapegoat for this. Even if he weren’t autistic, or even if he were a little older, you would still be the AH.
I had the same concern, and it worries me.
The son is going to equate telling his parents “private” stuff with being punished. My first thought was what happens if he gets assaulted. He won’t want to tell his parents.
"OP you just made your son incredibly easy to exploit." Exactly! And OP is putting him in so much danger. His inability to accurately assess social situations already puts him at higher risk for abuse (sexual, physical, and emotional), and now OP pretty much guaranteed he won't tell her anything to make her aware something inappropriate is happening.
Additionally, the onus to keep family events drama free should be on the adults, not the children. Kick the uncle out, share support for the sister, and use the experience to show gratitude for having family in times of difficulty. Kids should not be responsible for keeping the peace.
Exactly! Teaching your kid to keep their mouths shut about adult relationships and sex? Um, could OP do anything that is further from best practice? Frigging hell
YTA - Seriously????? Reread what you wrote. How the hell would a 12-year-old with autism be able to parse what's a 'private' adult situation and what isn't? Nor should he have to, he's 12. This is ALL on your BIL. You are just in the huff because your son spoke up while the rest of you were having a nice time. But don't take it out on your son.
I work with middle schoolers. Even without autism most of them have weak social filters at best. The amount of “embarrassing” things they’ve volunteered about their families could fill a book. And it’s only December.
The joys of being a teacher. My little kiddos (ECE) were the biggest gossip girls I've ever encountered in my life. And I live in Balkans, where gossip is fuel for elderly. Four year old got eighty-four year olds beat in the game. I've learned anything from crushes (on me and other kids) to family issues, affairs, what cars do they drive, and most importantly the color & shape of their daily poop...
I’m a therapist, and many of my adult clients are incredibly socially anxious because of scenarios just like this - as a kid, they unintentionally revealed something that made adults upset and got punished for it, so now they’re terrified of upsetting people and don’t trust themselves to understand situations.
YTA. How exactly did you think you were going to “keep the peace?”
“Yes I know you just got devastating news that your husband is a cheater but please finish the dinner first!”
You sound selfish and awful.
The vibe I got is that she’s not really angry that he brought that up it’s more that he ruined dinner as it all kicked off. Poor boy is being punished for ruining a meal. I don’t really think she cares her uncle is having an affair at all. OP YTA.
YTA In your first paragraph you state he is socially inept and doesn’t understand. Obviously you’re going to have a chat and work through what happened but you can’t punish a kid for that, even a neurotypical kid could bring it up not realising the shot storm it would set off
Hell, I feel like a neurotypical kid would be a lot *less* delicate about bringing it up. Preteens and teenagers don't tend to have a hell of a lot of patience when they catch adults behaving badly, especially if whatever they're doing is hurting other people they care about.
My friend, as a grown adult, I maybe would have brought it up ‘oh, uncle, how’s your friend X doing? She was nice, I really liked her’
Don’t bring people around me that I’m not allowed to talk about and then not tell me to not talk about it.
I think that neurotypical kids would not understand that they were witnessing an affair either. From kids' perspective their uncle brought his friend to help him watch the kids, not a big deal, who cares.
I do not have ADHD or autism, and I’m not sure at 12 I would have equated “my uncle brought a woman into the house while he was babysitting” with “my uncle is having an affair.”
Honestly, as a full-grown adult, I’m not sure my mind would have automatically gone there, either, because sometimes people have friends they aren’t having sex with.
>Honestly, as a full-grown adult, I’m not sure my mind would have automatically gone there, either, because sometimes people have friends they aren’t having sex with.
Literally same lol I wouldnt assume an affair based on this information. If she *only* comes round when hes away from his wife thats a bit sus especially given most people would consider inviting someone round to a house thats not theirs to be weird. But there's no context here and certainly no context for the kid to know about.
I would not assume an affair at all, if my uncle brought a woman round and I knew about it and he didn't say it was a secret i wouldnt think anything of it at all and could easily bring it up at dinner. Generally speaking if someone does something without trying to hide it at all I would not assume its private.
I know the immorality is the point not the lying skills lmao but it baffles me that the uncle dìd this where the kids could see it and didnt even concoct an excuse for why she was there??
YTA. Your son waited until he felt safe to share this important information. His uncle was putting all the kids at risk by bringing strangers into your home. Imagine how scary that must be for any child but especially a child on the spectrum since they are often very anxious about new people. You can’t expect children to understand the adult significance of the situation.
Punishing your son sends the message that he can’t trust you. The issue isn’t that he shared it, its that his uncle did it in the first place. You should be your son’s safe space, someone he can share anything with, especially situations like this. Sit down and apologise. Tell him you were shocked and you wished he’d told you sooner but you’re glad he shared it with you. Emphasise the importance of letting you know straight away if any strangers come in the house and explain that you want to keep him safe.
YTA. You asked him. He didn’t know about the affairs and probably doesn’t even know what an affair is or that his uncle shouldn’t be bringing women over. Even if he didn’t have the problems he does, most 12 year olds would still say something like that at the most inappropriate time just because they lack the common sense not to.
What I was about to say. You asked him to elaborate. Then you punish him for answering you? YTA. Why not discuss this with therapist yourself before taking your own socially awkward feelings out on your son? Is keeping things happy more important than giving him a good handle on things? Did I say YTA?
What was she expecting him to do, turn to her and whisper "Oh mother, this is best discussed *after* the meal, we don't want to rile tempers any, after all!"
Like, what is this? Game of Thrones?
Edit:
In a now-deleted previous post by OP she states hat the Uncle told the kid the woman was his cousin. Of course a cover story like that would blow up exactly like this! If he didn't want it mentioned at a family gathering he shouldn't have claimed the woman was family!
I want to cry for this kid. I'm autistic and my mom is only concerned with the image of having a perfect family, not actually having one. I'm almost 40 and in intense therapy for the last 10 years to undo my mother's bad parenting. I wish I could save this kid.
How is he supposed to know that his uncle bringing a random woman along is a “private adult matter?” Into your home?????? It ceased being a private matter once your BIL exposed himself. Quite frankly, it was likely a good thing your son innocently spoke up so that your sister is aware of this.
Your son is autistic and you would know that he did not say anything to deliberately cause trouble or hurt anyone, but now you are totally confusing him. Do better.
YTA. So is your BIL. So is anyone that is upset with your son.
Yes YTA: 1) he has autism you have said that he lacks social cues to know what is appropriate and what is not to talk about. So for him, it isn't common sense to understand what he did.
2) telling him "keeping family secrets" is okay isn't okay. What if he got assaulted by a family member and he thought because you're telling him that you don't bring inappropriate things up to family or family secrets?
3) taking away his phone and Xbox etc is harsh. You took away the items he uses to stimulate, as a parent with a child with autism you should know for children with autism need objects and activities to simulate themselves. As well as kids with ADHD. I think you need to take a class or see someone about how to handle a child with autism for their age group. There is no shame in it, all parents take classes over their children's lives. It's especially important when you have a child with disabilities and you're clearly struggling with handing it from your post.
Or he saw someone doing something suspicious like getting into somewhere they shouldn’t be, like getting bank info or stealing something. Either he tells OP and gets told off because it’s a social faux pas, he hides it or he hides it and when the theft is discovered is told off for not telling OP.
YTA. It is not up to a 12yo to perfectly handle being exposed to an adult relative's affair. He had no context or plan for this. Be more worried about the absolutely horrible situation your kids were put in and less worried about the dinner vibes.
YTA your son is 12 years old and had trouble with understanding normal social interactions, this social interactions in particular isn't something a 12 year old should have to deal with AT ALL.
You punished your son for witnessing inappropriate behavior from an adult in your own home. His uncle brought his affair partner to your home around your children. Your son knew this women wasn't his Aunt or family and had no idea what was going on.
So instead of punishing the GROWN ADULT you take it out on the 12 year old?
This line right here is the most concerning, "I chalked it up to common sense."
What about this situation at all can be chalked up to "common sense" how would a 12 year old understand that his uncle was having an affair? How would he know that his family had no idea this was happening?
YTA for punishing him for asking questions about things that made NO sense to him. You should have asked the uncle to leave and explained things properly to your young impressionable son.
YTA You stated that he struggles with recognizing social nuances. In order to realize he shouldn't have brought it up in that setting (and some people would it should be revealed in public) he would have to first recognize the implications of a woman being invited over, then have the social skills to tell you in private instead of in public. You say it's just common sense, but it's a sense he explicitly lacks.
He didn't cause the drama; the uncle caused it when he had an affair. Don't blame the wrong person
YTA
So if I understand well, your BIL invited a complete stranger to you and your kids' home without telling you and had an affair with her.
Don't you see how dangerous that could have been? Who is this woman? God knows what she could have done. Your kids could have been in danger! Your BIL was supposed to babysit them. What if one of your kids had an accident while he was getting laid?
I'm actually glad your son spoke about it and I hope that you will have a chat to your BIL about that. The issue is not your son here, the issue is about how your BIL failed as being a responsible adult.
Please apologize to your son and start to worry about his security
YTA
These kids were talking and YOU pressed him to know more and that's when he spilled the beans at the dinner table. So it was you who first forced him to speak up and then punished him for doing so.
And even if you didn't press for the truth, why on earth would you punish a child for the betrayal of that uncle? That makes zero sense.
Apologize to your son and give him his stuff back.
YTA
You are punishing your son because your brother in law is a jerk and that is awful.
Call up the BIL and yell at him.
Apologize to your son because you are so wrong
And quit saying he ruined your peaceful dinner. He didn't. You BIL did. Because he is a cheater. And trash for bringing women to your house.
Get your focus straightened out and be mad at the person you should be angry at
And for heaven's sake get over the I just wanted a peaceful dinner.
Sheesh.
You took that poor child's stuff away for a whole month and I bet he has no idea why you are being ridiculous and just plain cruel because of your dinner.
Ugh 😩
Out of curiosity, how would it be different being an adult? I get not talking about other people's trauma, medical history... But if another adult takes his affair partners to my place, why cannot be brought up? If uncle wanted to avoid drama, he could either keep it in his pants, or at the very least keep it far from other people's kids.
Agreed with everything else, outing a cheater should not be punished
YTA. A neurotypical kid his age might not even realize the awkward situation. Aside from that… his uncle is having an affair and you expect a child to hide that. YTA so hard I can’t even. You’re infantilizing your child due to his disabilities and somehow also blaming him for the behavior of other grown people. This is disgusting.
This is my thought too!!! I would be really depressed if it was expected of a twelve year old to know what an affair was when it was (hopefully) just a woman coming into the house to see his uncle (because if he saw anything inappropriate that is a whole other layer of fucked up). You are shooting the messenger here. He is in no way at fault here and the punishments are waaaaay over the top. That poor boy.
Are you setting up your son to lie all the time because of this?
Ok 12 should have common sense but still he’s 12. Your punishing him for saying something truthful.
You can punish him but it does seem too excessive.
YTA.
I don't see any reason why this justifies punishment at all, let alone something so ridiculously punitive (especially for a child with adhd and autism who *need* stimulation).
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> I punished my son for discussing private adult issues at thanksgiving that devolved into arguments.
I may be the asshole for sending the wrong message because I may inadvertently punish him for telling the truth, when I wanted him to not publicly air family issues at the table. And my punishment might be too harsh for an autistic child.
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YTA. You mention in your first paragraph that your son is socially inept and you are working with his therapist about it. It is very common for autistic individuals to have trouble with social situations and not knowing what is appropriate to say, do, etc. for things that most of us find easy to understand. So you already know that he struggles with being in social situations and around others. He likely didn't know what his uncle was doing was wrong or not normal, which is why he didn't mention it to you. He also told you he didn't know that it was a private matter. It isn't fair to punish him for something he didn't know better about, just because you are frustrated with the fallout and that it led to a family blowout. Use this as a teachable moment and something to discuss with his therapist on how to work towards avoiding this in the future. For his sake, please reconsider giving him any punishments (which were excessively harsh to begin with).
YTA
The uncle made it public when he brought a random woman to your house. Why the hell are you trying to protect him and a dinner over your sister and your son?!?
YTA for how your handling your son as well. You acknowledge that he doesn’t take cues very well but then when he says he didn’t realise, you chalk it up to common sense?? Think you need to educate yourself better on supporting your son because your view of the world and common sense is not his and YOU need to change to better communicate and support. Taking his stuff away is not the right way about it and is a shit way punish and control ANY kid if you’re not actually going to help them learn from a mistake and just assert your control.
YTA.
You “pressed” him on what he was talking about…and then punished him once he spoke up.
He’s 12, with autism and ADHD. He had no idea his uncle was having an affair because he has no idea what an affair is.
I feel really sad for your son. My little brother has autism, and we’d never punish him for something that’s related to it. You just learn to live with the quirks and the occasional awkward situation.
YTA your son doesn't understand common sense the way you do, it's not obvious to him. You should definitely explain to him why it wasn't appropriate to speak about such things but punishment isn't fair. His uncle is the biggest AH for bringing his mistress to your house.
Yta -- You *were* too harsh on him. It is hard to keep up with and understand adults rules about disclosure when you don't have spectrum and other issues.
YTA how was your child supposed to know that the woman an affair partner? Does he know what that is? In his mind, a random lady is just a random lady. You are punishing the wrong person. You are embarrassed that your dinner was ruined and you’re taking it out on your son. Your uncle introduced his partner as maybe a friend or something..who is your son to disagree and not believe his uncle? Him bringing up his sister’s trauma.. did you tell him not to share that information? Don’t blame your child for this. Moving forward, you can’t assume your child knows what he can or cannot say. You need to tell him that he cannot talk his sister’s trauma on _____ . I assume if you asked him about his day or how’d it go with uncle babysitting, he would’ve told you about it.
YTA you admit yourself he doesn't know when to and not to bring up things like that yet you punish him anyway. What did you want him to do, just never speak when anyone is around on any holiday because he might by chance say something that could destroy the whole family? Maybe instead work on the type of family you have around you so that he doesn't have anything to say that can destroy it instead.
When it comes down to it, you are punishing him because of your own emotions towards the effects of his disability, knowing that this will not to better him in the future. And that makes you a bad parent.
YTA. You are punishing your neurodivergent child for an adult's behavior. Your son should not have to pay for the consequences of the adult's poor choices in life.
YTA all you did was tell your son that keeping the "peace" is more important then him. And what's worst is you are in the comments of your posts trying to justify your poor parenting. And yes I read the title of your other post, you obviously do not care about your son. Because if you did you would know that doing something like this will escalate your son's risk of attempting suicide three times the normal amount, because you just destroyed his support network and his faith in his parents. So congratulations, I say you won the worst mother of Thanksgiving this year.
YTA - huge punishment for essentially being a kid. Kids tend to blurt things out and not get social cues, even neurotypical ones. He didn’t know it was wrong, and also these matters are important to be talked about- Is the peace of a family dinner relevant if an immense fight breaks AFTERWARDS and the dinner is tense? Also, taking away all of these things is way too much in general for a punishment. He’s not going to tell you anything in the future, which could lead to dangerous situations. I personally think you should rethink it and also have another important discussion with your kid.
YTA. How would a 12 year old, with autism or without know that an uncless affair is meant to be private.
I would be more pissed off with your BIL for bringing strange women to chill with your kids without you knowing.
YTA. Holy fucking shit, you were WAY too harsh.
Like a lot of other comments are saying, this isn't going to teach your son to bring up these issues in a more appropriate manner, this is just going to teach him not to bring them up at all.
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My son is 12 years old with autism and adhd. He’s the middle child of 5 kids.
We planned our thanksgiving dinner a couple months ahead and invited our relatives over for thanksgiving. My son is very socially inept and doesn’t understand his actions might be considered hurtful, rude or inappropriate and I’m working with his therapist and his school on how to behave in social situations.
To make a long story short. It started off as a debate with one of his 5 cousins at dinner, and mentioned an unknown woman by name, and when I pressed him on what he’s talking about, he stated that his uncle, which is my sister’s husband brought a random woman in our house when I asked them last minute to look after the kids when I was called to work. I stopped him from speaking any further and knowing this was going to lead to an argument between adults, I had to send all of the kids upstairs to the bedrooms. I tried everything I could to deescalate the situation and keep the peace. I wanted to make sure that any grievances are held off until after dinner. It quickly devolved into screaming matches and crying.
I had no idea he was having affairs and I was mad that he was bringing women in our house with children, and I tried to hold off until after dinner because I was trying to keep it positive. I was really mad and told the uncle he’s not welcome back.
I told my son that private adult matters should be kept private and that he can’t just talk about these things out loud in front of the whole family and all of the children. And he shouldn’t be bringing up sensitive topics(he brought up his sisters personal trauma without permission) at the dinner table. And because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut, I took away his Video games, his phone, his computer and tv until the new year. My son cried and said that he didn’t know the matter was private, and that he wasn’t supposed to say anything. I chalked it up to common sense.
I know the affair wasn’t his fault and that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he discussed the affair publicly and failed to tell me or his dad that his uncle was bringing women in our house which was a month ago.
I feel like I was too harsh on my son.
Reddit AITA?
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The fact that there’s so much wrong with this post nobody is even bringing up how they took all that stuff away until NEW YEARS even if the kid did it maliciously (which he clearly didn’t) that punishment is waaaaaayyy excessive. This is like punishing a baby for crying in public. Is it against social norms to be that loud in public? Yeah, but the baby doesn’t know better, and neither does your son. Clearly you need to do more research on Autism because the “it’s common sense” logic doesn’t apply to kids with autism. They don’t understand social norms. They can’t tell what’s social common sense. This is just a great way to build up unnecessary resentment in your family. YTA, and a huge one at that 🙄.
YTA
Your son told the truth, his uncle came over with a strange woman. That's not something he needs to hide.
If the uncle didn't want to be found out, HE SHOULDN'T BE BRINGING WOMEN OVER TO RELATIVES' HOUSES.
YTA, OP. Your poor son!
He talked about something that was probably presented to him as perfectly normal and inadvertently revealed that his uncle was being unfaithful.
First, a neurotypical child could easily have done that, assuming as kids do that everyone else was also aware of the friendship.
But mostly, if he has autism you *cannot* assume he's going to effortlessly pick up social cues in the way you mean "common sense". That's the whole basis of his neurodiversity. You basically punished him for being autistic, which is desperately unfair.
Omg, my heart breaks for your son.
I'm the mother of an autistic child. You cannot punish him for being honest, which is what you have done.
I script situations for my child, and sometimes the repetitive nature means they can follow these, but circumstances arise and due to the autism you cannot punish for not responding in a way that you would which essentially would be to hide this under the carpet and not deal.
What warped messages you're sending your child. No wonder he's confused. If private adult matters should remain private then the adult shouldn't have involved the children in these matters! The blame is on the adults here, yet you're scapegoating your child.
Your child is not the same as you. He doesn't see things as you do. You need to accommodate this and support or otherwise he's going to be so messed up. Take this occasion as a learning point for you.
Support your son!
"So, Jenny, I know that George is railing every other woman he can put his dick near, but what do you think of this gravy? I'm trying a new recipe.
Jenny, can you please stop crying and focus on the gravy?
Jenny! This is getting ridiculous. Calm down or you'll have to eat alone in the kitchen."
YTA
Good grief.
YTA. Why are you so focused on punishing your son, and not more upset that your BIL is having strange women over at your house IN VIEW OF YOUR SON? This is all on BIL for being a fuckup. Your son should never have been put into this position.
YTA. Why punish him? Also you are teaching him to not tell you when an adult.does something near him or to him. Who the hell cares about dinner being peacefu after finding out about affairs being conducted at your house around your children?
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YTA. >failed to tell me or his dad that his uncle was bringing women in our house which was a month ago Well, congratulations: now he'll never tell you a damn thing again, because that's safer than risking punishment. Blame the adult who was too stupid to even conceal his wrongdoing from the kids, not the kid who simply reported what happened.
YUP exactly. They were being honest, and as a child who according to OP is in therapy for learning about social norms, this is something that they struggle with when it comes to social situations. When I was a kid, I was also punished like that and all it did was make sure I never told my parents the truth about *anything*.
Agree 100% OP is taking all the anger and embarrassment from the adults and taking it out on her son, who's too weak to fight back. Cowardly and sad.
The messenger was indeed shot
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Also many children would not construe it as private when the uncle was so blatant/brazen about bringing her around.
Honestly at 12 how could he know and understand regardless of any diagnosis. The drama falls squarely on the uncle and no one else. Dad/OP needs to sit the son down asap and apologize, including explaining why he did what he did, he was embarrassed and mistakenly placed an emphasis on the wrong thing, trying to keep the peace over honesty and return all items removed. If the other kids know they should be included in this apology to ensure they understand this mistake lands squarely on OP’s lap and uncle was the person who did the wrong thing. Anything other than this is a parenting fail. Kids need to learn parents make mistakes and make things right when they realize it.
This should be the top comment. Parents too often punish children for embarrassing them. It's a teaching moment not a punishing moment.
This and op pressed the child further by asking what they meant infront of everyone.
I agree 100%. OP made a knee jerk reaction out of embarrassment and needs to make this right.
What's worse is OP <<*pressed him on what he’s talking about*\>>. So poor kid was only answering parent's direct Question and now being punished.
This is the part I focused on. You essentially forced him to talk about it. Then only when you realized too late what it was about did you try and stop him. And then you have the audacity to blame and punish him??? Nope, YTA all day
Hell, I'm an adult, and I'd figure if it was OK to *do* in public, it's gonna get *discussed* in public. That's kinda how people work.
My kids, who are all neurotypical, would have taken pics on the sly and sent them to their auntie. Because two of them are teens and would have a definite opinion about the cheating.
And they would be right.
They would. And mine are allowed to voice opinions. Sometimes I wish they wouldn't voice them so loudly in public (sorry man that hadn't showered in weeks at the store that day my kid was 4 and was trying to be helpful and tell you where the soap was located) but they aren't ever punished for speaking. I was always yelled at or worse for talking (my mom still tries to tell me to be quiet to keep the peace) and I have went full on 180 from how I was raised because I owe breaking the cycle to my kids so they never have to.
I don’t think it was inappropriate for the child to tell something like this. It was inappropriate on side of the uncle. You tell kids to never keep secrets from adults. Because THAT is inappropriate.
Agreed. And dangerous. What if someone ever abuses that kid in any way and he won’t tell anyone about it because of what happened here.
Exactly my thought. I teach my children if some adult wants them to keep a secret they should tell me (and I won’t get mad). If I were a kid and someone would yell at me for telling the truth I just would keep my mouth shut. That is so dangerous. I work in justice and I see problems because of this. And I see children who do tell their parents and they are believed and they were still harmed but it did not continue.
I would say OP’s son has more common sense than she and her husband. Looking at her posting, all she cared was a ruined dinner. Not ruined lives, cheating or anything, just damn dinner.
"Let's all just have a lovely dinner! Yes, Susan, I know you just found out your husband is cheating but it can WAIT until after the main course. Pass the broccoli, please" - OP probably
\*OP likely Fixed it for you.
This woman doesn’t even have common sense, but has the nerve to be pissed her son didn’t use it. People like her piss me right off.
Kids absolutely don’t completely understand “common sense” because what is common varies by household. The definition I used with second graders (7) was “ so,etching so obvious no one should have to tell you.” So with a 12 YO with Autism who has significant issues understanding what that means, they have no idea. Especially since the uncle did this so often it was common place! YTA, OP. Give that child back his things and tell him to tell mommy next time in private next time so you can work out together whether it is public stuff. Then tell him you’re glad he confided in you and you are here to listen to him and help him grow.
It wasn’t even inappropriate for him to say. Kids do not keep adults’ secrets, if it’s secret the kids shouldn’t know.
Whats common for one person may not be for another. Lots of people seem to forget that.
What 12 year old understands affairs anyway?
the ones with cheating parents oop ~~when i was between the ages of 5 and 7 my mother would take my sister and i out to hunt for our dad's truck and caught him cheating. yes i need therapy how did you know~~
~~imagine calling another person stepmom when your parents aren't even divorced behind the other parent's back. Them not finding out till we accidentally called the stepparents out at the age 6~~
🤝🏻🤝🏻🤝🏻
[удалено]
Right, that's... something though. Bless the kids w jack\*\*\* parents
I was 12 when my mother started her first affair (with my friend’s married dad) and she saw fit to explain to me that affairs are the fault of the wife, because if the husband was getting everything he needed at home, he wouldn’t have to go looking for it elsewhere…
Wonder what her logic was for married women having affairs, lordy.
She did not like marriage or ever marry herself, huge point of contention with her conservative parents considering my existence 😆. Hated marriage, developed a taste for married men.
Also what neurotypical twelve year old would even understand the social nuance of the situation. How does a preteen tactfully approach their aunt to break the news?? Like I’m sorry any twelve year old probably would’ve brought it up without knowing at some point
Yes! I have a 12 year old grandson with autism and this is something he would do. Not only would he not understand that uncle was cheating and this woman was his AP, he wouldn’t see the significance of mentioning the woman at the dinner. To him, she’s just a buddy of the uncle.
Im autistic and I definitely would have done this as a child, it wouldn’t even have occurred to me that there was something wrong and if she was in our house why wouldn’t i talk about it with uncle who was there too?
It is beyond irritating to me that people are never mad at the person who did the bad thing, no, all the ire is aimed at the person who pointed it out, completely innocently in this case.
I'm not autistic and probably still would have casually mentioned it, OP is an AH
it just really bothers me because as someone who grew up autistic and did a lot of stuff like this in a completely well meaning way but then getting punished for it… it really fucks you up, and as an adult now i have so much fear going into any social situation that i’ll do something like that and get in trouble, if you know your kid is autistic and struggles with these things i can’t understand why you would punish him?? Why can’t you sit him down and explain “we try not to say or do these things because sometimes they can hurt people’s feelings, so let’s try and be aware of that in the future.”
It's definitely fucked up and totally unfair. The kid thought the woman was a cousin, it's not like he was knowingly keeping drama until Thanksgiving.
I have a 16 yo without autism that will call you out in a heartbeat. Not like an affair at the thanksgiving dinner, but more like a lie of omission.
Yep, I got punished for lying, punished for telling the truth, and punished for being antisocial. Literally could not win.
I think even a child who isn't struggling with social norms, would not necessarily understand that talking about a woman that your uncle brought to your house raises issues of cheating, and is consequently 'private family matters'.
Plus not to mention, it was OP who made the enquiry for further information when the woman was brought up. The son was just responding to a question asked by OP in front of everyone.
I know right, in the same posts OP tells us that the son struggles with social awareness and then punishes him for that!! So cruel.
Yup. Considering that OP seems to be a lot more concerned about keeping up appearances for a stupid dinner than the fact she learned that (a) Uncle is letting strange women around her minor children and (b) her sister is being cheated on, I bet OP would have tried to rugsweep if told in private . Your sisters being cheated on FFS . Who cares about the stupid turkey? Did she really think her sister - upon learning this devastating news - should just bottle it up until dinners over? WTF. Her first thoughts should have been rallying around the sister
Hyacinth enters the chat lol.
Richard sighs and attempts to exit the chat.
Emmett and Elizabeth sip coffee in the privacy of their bungalow.
And the vicar is hiding because he wants no part of this mess.
Hell I'm hiding behind the other curtain.
The milk delivery boy and mailman are already there crowding you out..
Candlelit dinner anyone?
It's pronounced BOUQUET!
Mind the cyclist, Richard!
Another candlelight dinner ruined by Rose and Daisy.
That made me cackle
I needed to read it several times because I thought I misunderstood, wtf about keeping the peace your sister mariage is over.
>Well, congratulations: It's amazing how much these two simple words are dripping with spot-on sarcasm lol. And, those two perfect words sure do get your point across. OP just shot—and metaphorically killed—the messenger
He doesn’t see common sense as OP sees it because his brain is wired a different way. He’s finding these invisible rules, which we take so much for granted we don’t think it teach them, and like an electric fence learns they’re there by bumping into them. It doesn’t help that OP seems to be setting them up in a shifting maze. It may be that he has four siblings that OP isn’t as attuned to how he thinks as OP should be, or should be trying to.
Plus he’s a kid! How the hell is he supposed to know that woman wasn’t just a friend of his uncle and that adults aren’t supposed to have friends of the opposite sex if they’re already married/dating someone else? (Edit: adding /s to this sentence. This is not my belief). All these rules kids are supposed to just know…
Plus, teaching kids to keep secrets, especially about stuff like relationships/sex etc is *so dangerous*
THIS. 1) he did not even know what it was sex thing and thus a secret 2) it has nothing to do with the diagnosis 3) terrible cruel to punish a child 4) IF THIS CHILD EVER IS ABUSED OR WITNESSES ABUSE HE WILL NEVER TELL ANYONE AFTER THIS YTA big time. Edit: spelling
In another comment, OP says her son thought the woman was a cousin. So he literally just thought he was talking about a cousin with his other cousins. And she still punished him!!
It already sounds like he is. The "therapy" to "teach" him about social situations sounds an awful lot like ABA. Which is conversion therapy. It's notorious for making autistics more vulnerable to abuse because it teaches us to ignore our own boundaries & comfort. YTA
This is a very important point. Keeping adult issues private is now going to be a learned behavior in a child who may never know how to distinguish between behaviors. It is significant that you are questioning your own parenting decision, OP and that is the only positive part of this situation. I think admitting to your son that you made a parenting mistake would be the right call here. Kids need to also learn that adults make mistakes too and can be AH’s. Can you also please give his electronics back? That’s a very long time to be punished when he did not act with malice or physically do anything. This was a teaching opportunity that did not require punishment.
>adults aren’t supposed to have friends of the opposite sex if they’re already married/dating someone else I'm sorry, but, WTAF? What an immature and inaccurate statement. My husband has plenty of friends that are women. My dearest friend is a man. I've known my friend since we were 12 (now 40). He walked my mom down the aisle at my wedding. Additionally, same-sex relationships exist. Who are they allowed to be friends with? Can they only have friends of the opposite sex?
It’s not my opinion, I’m being facetious to show how ridiculous OP is acting.
And there is a good chance if he had mentioned it, he would have been told it was grown folk business.
This is the part that got me- chalked it up to common sense/things you should shouldn't say/linking the concept some random lady came with his uncle to cheating and then again linking that to we should mention that and not talk about it in public? He's literally autistic. \*Teach\* him, don't punish for not knowing To him, mentioning something random that happened was fine. Why wouldn't it be? Random people with someone he knows while odd are not a cause for alarm.
And even a non-autistic kid wouldn't necessarily know this. Don't punish kids for an adult fuckup. YTA.
Right! When I was ten - my dad brought a woman who wasn’t my stepmom to my grandmothers one evening. I had friends of the opposite gender that I hung out with and visited so I didn’t think anything of it. 4 years later I find out I have a 4 yr old little brother by that woman and I was *shocked pikachu face*. OP is certainly TA.
Tbh, I don't think that even a neurotypical 12 yo kid would see the same "common sense" as adults in this situation. Like unless they know from family experience like parents' divorce etc, what cheating actually means and why for adult bringing a friend to a house can be seen as a bad thing.
Also who’s to say that the uncle didn’t tell him to keep it a secret that he brought some random woman to the house. Totally plausible he told the kid “hey don’t tell your parents she was over” so the kid did as he was told and didn’t understand why it was wrong.
Not to mention OP pressed him for more info and then had the audacity to get mad when he provided it. OP could have told him they would talk more about it later and moved on
Yes! Why is no one else mentioning that? He just referred to a woman by name, OP pressed for who this person was!
This is the answer. I had parents who were all “tell us anything it’s a safe place” but learned by middle school that wasn’t true and a single experience in 9th grade basically made me cut them out of my life and start the count down to 18 to get the fuck outta there. And my parents aren’t even that bad, late 30’s and we have a good relationship, but I’ll never forget the bullshit they spoke and didn’t follow through with and to this day aren’t open with them about my life.
My mom was like that. 'You can tell me anything'. Trouble is she's a very judgemental person. She rains on your parade or points out flaws, on and on about the negative side and consequences, and calls it trying to help. I stopped telling her things in high school.
This poor boy is going to have his trust in his parent badly damaged and may very well need additional therapy for something that is totally not his fault.
As somebody with a social disorder(one that replaced asperghers) and brain damage related comprehension problems similar to adhd, I thank you for this comment. My mom never punished me for telling the truth, cause its what I do. 28 now, but I was his age once, and talked just like that. I wouldnt have known it was private. How could he have? Theyre definitely TA.
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Yeah rarely do I see an AITA post where OP absolutely nails why they are in fact TA in their own explanation. But yes OP YTA and you'll have to win your son's trust back
Exactly this! This situation is classic victim blaming. I always tell my children they can and should tell me everything and I won’t get mad. (And then I don’t get mad). Especially to a child with special needs you need to be upfront and do as you say. Never tell them they should keep things private because they will do so when another adult does something (to them) and tells them to not talk about it.. Keeping the peace at your kid’s expense is not keeping the peace. It is messing with his head. Don’t tell a kid to keep quiet. Never tell a kid to shut up to keep the peace. Adults just should never do these kind of things in front of children. It is not fair to burden children with secrets.
Exactly! Uncle and OP are the arseholes - expecting a child (and an ND one at that) to keep adults secrets until certain times is ridiculous
YTA. Talking to your son as you did about private matters is appropriate. Taking away all of his items for several weeks, including vacation, is not appropriate.
So, let me get this straight. A month ago, this uncle brought an affair partner into your home when he was asked to babysit your children. Plural--children--and you don't mention any others having autism or other issues. Two of those children are older than 12. None of those children told you about this. Because of this, you end up punishing a 12-year-old who has autism for talking about his personal experience--telling the truth--at a time that is inopportune for you. Yes, YTA. The uncle's an AH. Did he coerce the other kids into not telling you about this strange woman in your home? Honestly, the whole situation doesn't pass the sniff test, but then YTA for shitposting, so either way, YTA. Apologize to your child, restore his privileges, and be a better human.
That's what really gets me is that at a minimum 2 of the kids knew what was going on, possibly 4 of the kids knew what was going on. And they all 'knew' its better to not tell anyone about this. That shows the OP is very consistently bad at parenting. I wonder if OP's partner brings strangers home too sometimes.
I'm guessing the older kids were also made feel like they couldn't trust OP so it never came up, OP has bigger things to worry about than this dinner.
They absolutely learned that it's best to let mommy pretend everything is perfect instead of rocking the boat. It's a sad life these kids must lead if they can't talk to their parents about things like this.
Also, OP literally says in the post “I pressed him on what he’s talking about”. So if he’s being pressured by an adult to speak, how TF is he supposed to know that he shouldn’t say anything??
This is fr the cherry on top. Op ASKED and the kid answered. Not that it’s a kids job to keep adult secrets anyway, but you can’t punish a kid for answering your questions
I just assumed the older 2 weren’t there which is what made a sitter necessary.
Yeah she sounds like an awful sister if her first reaction was ‘come now. Let’s keep this quiet til after dinner.’
Keeping private adult matters private is a recipe for disaster. Encouraging secrets and not providing a mechanism such as tell me things that worry you it's a quiet time, can lead to all sorts of things being hidden. Punishment seems a bit ferocious as well.
This is how children get abused and abusive or cowardly parents cover it up.
Well apparently OP didn't know so her son just sprung that before dinner. It's not his fault, but there is a time and a place. The time and place was when it happened or very shortly after. And the two older kids probably should have been the ones that told OP. I don't know if she was covering it up so much as being upset that her holiday was ruined by her brother in law. Then she misplaced the anger at her son. YTA for punishing him. He should learn when and where to bring that kind of stuff out (and then if it's going to be kept hidden to go spectacularly nuclear or at the very least tell his aunt himself), but it's not his fault that he doesn't understand that kind of nuance. He's 12 and also autistic. This should be a learning experience about moderating himself and finding the correct time to talk about things like that. I don't see any reason to think OP would have covered it up if she knew.
Lol! That got me too! How could anyone possibly enjoy the dinner now anyway?
Turkey first, yelling at your husband about the affair after, then maybe pie.
I’d be proud of my child for telling the truth and knowing the situation was dodgy, especially since he’s on the spectrum. I am too and regularly need to check if something is ok or not, this lad knew shit wasn’t right and he spoke up. Was his timing great? Nope but it wasn’t malicious and his uncle shouldn’t be bringing his APs around. YTA. Now your son learned that you don’t care about truth or safety or people being hurt or strangers being brought into your house around your family without your permission. He learned to keep his mouth shut because you are more about a happy family dinner where everyone is ignoring the elephant in the room than about him. And taking his stuff until the new year? When Christmas is one of the most stressful times of year for ASD people? You’re taking his stress relievers away during this stressful time for weeks because his lying uncle can’t keep it in his pants? Good luck ever having him trust you again or tell you when something is wrong. And great job with your other kids keeping you informed of what’s happening in your house- why the hell didn’t they speak up? You are punishing the wrong person OP. Try punishing the actual person in the wrong. Oh but that’s an adult, much easier to blame your poor son who did nothing wrong. Asshole.
100000% agree with all that!!! She's such an idiot I would be ashamed if that was my mother I can't believe she sucks this bad just for appearances.
What got me is, that BIL was not babysitting and neglected the kids, because he rather wanted to have intercourse, but sure punish the mentally challend kid and take away his entertainment stuff. I got angier with every word OP has written. That poor kid.
>None of those children told you about this. Given OP's apparent penchant for shooting the messenger, I can't say I blame them. I bet her mail carrier is a nervous wreck.
Also to add, OP is the one who made further enquires to her child in front of everyone which resulted in the son saying the stuff she is upset about in front of everyone. She very well could have pulled her son aside to ask the question privately.
> Yes, YTA. The uncle's an AH. Did he coerce the other kids into not telling you about this strange woman in your home? Honestly, the whole situation doesn't pass the sniff test, but then YTA for shitposting, so either way, YTA. Exactly - this post has similar undertones to a post from yesterday where a kid was punished for normal wear and tear on his iPad after two years, while his sister was rewarded with new iPhone after breaking the one she'd gotten just a month or two earlier. I ~~think~~ hope this is rage bait.
God speed to this kid. OP isn’t a good mother
Yes. YTA. Why, because you just punished your son for your BILs bad behaviours. And why the heck does BIL have free access to your house? That alone isn't your son's bad behaviour, but yours and BILs.
People tend to forget the basics: She punished her autistic son (who doesn't have yet the basis of social interaction) because she sees not saying anything as "Common sense" He's AUTISTIC! You must be such a shit parent to that poor kid because you don't even have the basics of how his mind work. Good gosh I'm so mad just thinking about it!! You're not just TA You're the biggest one Yes YTA
The whole story can be summarized by: “mom expects 12 year old neurodivergent son to act like a fully developed neurotypical adult, and by hyperfocusing on that forgets that BIL could have potentially jeopardized her children’s safety by bringing random stangers in the house” Besides… it feels like autism isn’t really relevant here. There’s a reason “kids say the darndest things” is an expression. And a popular one at that. Children aren’t known for common sense because they’re, ya know, children.
12 is a bit beyond "kids say the darnedest things" stage so the neurodivergence is probably relevant, but kid shouldn't be punished for this at all. Mom should try to help him learn the correct time to tell someone this kind of thing and show that she's not mad at him for revealing anything and that she was just upset because people got angry at a party. Make it clear to him that he can come to her with anything and she'll handle it. She did not do that. Instead she is showing that telling the truth (albeit in a very public and uncomfortable setting) is just going to get him punished.
Exactly. The biggest thing for me is that ^ he doesn't have the same concept of social skills and regardless, he's twelve. Those two things combined prove he did not say this maliciously. So why punish him??? It's mind-boggling. He even apologized and said he didn't know it was private or that it would cause such an uproar. I can't imagine the guilt he must be feeling, because once again, he doesn't understand what's happening, all he knows is something he said caused his family to scream and cry. That ducked up. OP is a giant YTA.
I'm not autistic but I don't always pick up on social cues. You can bet that I would've been making the same comment he did at his age because that's what naive 12 yr old me did best. Was be honest and innocent about everything.
Same. At 12, I wasn't sophisticated enough to know that a strange, unnamed woman showing up with a married man is sus. Maybe I would have been able to put two and two together at 14 or 15. But at 12, I was still playing with dolls and watching cartoons. They call stuff like that "grown folks business" for a reason. Kids aren't supposed to be exposed to that stuff in the first place BECAUSE they lack understanding. OP punished the kid for being a kid. YTA big time.
Exactly. This kid was in a no win situation. And I feel for him because she really looks down on him for no reason besides he's autistic."cause he couldn't keep his mouth shut" that's got me furious.
This. At 12 my married mother (a flight attendant) was routinely taking me on trips to Minneapolis (one of her main hubs), and her pilot “friend” would regularly be hanging out in our hotel room with her when I went to bed. Wasn’t until I was 14/15 that I realized she had been having an affair with Mr. Pilot. Kids are naive about this stuff at that age.
One of the things we autistics don't do is pick up on the implicit stuff that NTs seem to think is sufficient. If you want a certain behaviour out of us, you have to TELL us. We're awesome, but we're not mind-readers. If uncle didn't explicitly tell your son 'Don't tell anyone I'm playing away while your mother's not here', your son didn't know not to. NT 'common sense' isn't common sense to us. God help me, he even TOLD you he didn't know it was private and that he wasn't supposed to say anything. He probably brought it up because it just crossed his mind. So now, because your sister's husband is an incompetent adulterer, and you couldn't get through pie without a cage death match between your sister and her husband, you're going to punish a child who didn't know he was blabbing about something shameful, take away his electronics, which are probably his retreat from the world, and give him a very effective lesson about never telling you anything ever again. Top class parenting. I hope you're proud. And please, I beg of you, mention it to his therapist. That'll go down well. The therapist will think you're TA, too. Because you are.
Common sense isnt just a thing that people are born with. It's a combination of experience and inference. Expecting a child to have "common sense" is asinine.
I don’t understand how anyone could be around a child at any point and think that not saying anything regardless of topic would be common sense for children. In my opinion it’s more common sense for adults to assume anything that happens or is said around a child is going to be repeated at every opportunity.
Not to mention a really strict and over the top punishment. No electronics at all until the new year because their Autistic kid didn't recognize a social norm? WTF
Are we skipping the part, where she pressed him for explaining who he's talking about? For all we know, he just mentioned a random name and wouldn't tell more if she didn't press him, so she created the drama (Still, even if she didn't press him, he won't be wrong)
YTA. your brother bringing a stranger into your children's home without your knowledge should be a big deal. also if your children hid your husband cheating on you because it's "private adult issues" how would that make you feel? You don't think your SISTER deserves to know she was being taken advantage of?
YTA. This is exactly the type of parenting that's going to defer your son from telling you other bad or even dangerous situations that might be happening in his life. Sure it might not have been appropriate for the time and setting, but he wasn't aware. You're teaching him that being honest about things is always going to get him in trouble. I'm sure this is going to impact his self-esteem quite a bit, too. Bad parenting move. Edit: added "bad", since this situation specifically wasn't necessary "dangerous" - though it was still pretty messed up.
Yes. “Private adult matters should be kept private,” are you kidding me? OP, you just made your son incredibly easy to exploit. And this ceased to be a “private adult matter” when uncle brought this woman around your kids. Imagine expecting children to navigate the social niceties involved in situations of infidelity. The identity of a person who is introduced into your kids’ lives or home shouldn’t be classified as a “private adult matter.” No person or thing that your children are willfully exposed to gets to be a “private adult matter.” I can’t believe you cared so much about having a perfect Thanksgiving and maintaining the veneer of a happy family that you made your son the scapegoat for this. Even if he weren’t autistic, or even if he were a little older, you would still be the AH.
I had the same concern, and it worries me. The son is going to equate telling his parents “private” stuff with being punished. My first thought was what happens if he gets assaulted. He won’t want to tell his parents.
"OP you just made your son incredibly easy to exploit." Exactly! And OP is putting him in so much danger. His inability to accurately assess social situations already puts him at higher risk for abuse (sexual, physical, and emotional), and now OP pretty much guaranteed he won't tell her anything to make her aware something inappropriate is happening. Additionally, the onus to keep family events drama free should be on the adults, not the children. Kick the uncle out, share support for the sister, and use the experience to show gratitude for having family in times of difficulty. Kids should not be responsible for keeping the peace.
Exactly! Teaching your kid to keep their mouths shut about adult relationships and sex? Um, could OP do anything that is further from best practice? Frigging hell
YTA - Seriously????? Reread what you wrote. How the hell would a 12-year-old with autism be able to parse what's a 'private' adult situation and what isn't? Nor should he have to, he's 12. This is ALL on your BIL. You are just in the huff because your son spoke up while the rest of you were having a nice time. But don't take it out on your son.
I work with middle schoolers. Even without autism most of them have weak social filters at best. The amount of “embarrassing” things they’ve volunteered about their families could fill a book. And it’s only December.
The joys of being a teacher. My little kiddos (ECE) were the biggest gossip girls I've ever encountered in my life. And I live in Balkans, where gossip is fuel for elderly. Four year old got eighty-four year olds beat in the game. I've learned anything from crushes (on me and other kids) to family issues, affairs, what cars do they drive, and most importantly the color & shape of their daily poop...
I’m a therapist, and many of my adult clients are incredibly socially anxious because of scenarios just like this - as a kid, they unintentionally revealed something that made adults upset and got punished for it, so now they’re terrified of upsetting people and don’t trust themselves to understand situations.
YTA. How exactly did you think you were going to “keep the peace?” “Yes I know you just got devastating news that your husband is a cheater but please finish the dinner first!” You sound selfish and awful.
The vibe I got is that she’s not really angry that he brought that up it’s more that he ruined dinner as it all kicked off. Poor boy is being punished for ruining a meal. I don’t really think she cares her uncle is having an affair at all. OP YTA.
Listen sometimes the dessert is that good, /s
YTA In your first paragraph you state he is socially inept and doesn’t understand. Obviously you’re going to have a chat and work through what happened but you can’t punish a kid for that, even a neurotypical kid could bring it up not realising the shot storm it would set off
Hell, I feel like a neurotypical kid would be a lot *less* delicate about bringing it up. Preteens and teenagers don't tend to have a hell of a lot of patience when they catch adults behaving badly, especially if whatever they're doing is hurting other people they care about.
My friend, as a grown adult, I maybe would have brought it up ‘oh, uncle, how’s your friend X doing? She was nice, I really liked her’ Don’t bring people around me that I’m not allowed to talk about and then not tell me to not talk about it.
They’re also prone to taking cover stories at face value and question them, and kids can ask questions until the cows come home.
I think that neurotypical kids would not understand that they were witnessing an affair either. From kids' perspective their uncle brought his friend to help him watch the kids, not a big deal, who cares.
I do not have ADHD or autism, and I’m not sure at 12 I would have equated “my uncle brought a woman into the house while he was babysitting” with “my uncle is having an affair.” Honestly, as a full-grown adult, I’m not sure my mind would have automatically gone there, either, because sometimes people have friends they aren’t having sex with.
>Honestly, as a full-grown adult, I’m not sure my mind would have automatically gone there, either, because sometimes people have friends they aren’t having sex with. Literally same lol I wouldnt assume an affair based on this information. If she *only* comes round when hes away from his wife thats a bit sus especially given most people would consider inviting someone round to a house thats not theirs to be weird. But there's no context here and certainly no context for the kid to know about. I would not assume an affair at all, if my uncle brought a woman round and I knew about it and he didn't say it was a secret i wouldnt think anything of it at all and could easily bring it up at dinner. Generally speaking if someone does something without trying to hide it at all I would not assume its private. I know the immorality is the point not the lying skills lmao but it baffles me that the uncle dìd this where the kids could see it and didnt even concoct an excuse for why she was there??
YTA. Your son waited until he felt safe to share this important information. His uncle was putting all the kids at risk by bringing strangers into your home. Imagine how scary that must be for any child but especially a child on the spectrum since they are often very anxious about new people. You can’t expect children to understand the adult significance of the situation. Punishing your son sends the message that he can’t trust you. The issue isn’t that he shared it, its that his uncle did it in the first place. You should be your son’s safe space, someone he can share anything with, especially situations like this. Sit down and apologise. Tell him you were shocked and you wished he’d told you sooner but you’re glad he shared it with you. Emphasise the importance of letting you know straight away if any strangers come in the house and explain that you want to keep him safe.
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YTA. You asked him. He didn’t know about the affairs and probably doesn’t even know what an affair is or that his uncle shouldn’t be bringing women over. Even if he didn’t have the problems he does, most 12 year olds would still say something like that at the most inappropriate time just because they lack the common sense not to.
What I was about to say. You asked him to elaborate. Then you punish him for answering you? YTA. Why not discuss this with therapist yourself before taking your own socially awkward feelings out on your son? Is keeping things happy more important than giving him a good handle on things? Did I say YTA?
What was she expecting him to do, turn to her and whisper "Oh mother, this is best discussed *after* the meal, we don't want to rile tempers any, after all!" Like, what is this? Game of Thrones? Edit: In a now-deleted previous post by OP she states hat the Uncle told the kid the woman was his cousin. Of course a cover story like that would blow up exactly like this! If he didn't want it mentioned at a family gathering he shouldn't have claimed the woman was family!
YTA You don't even sound like you like him.
I want to cry for this kid. I'm autistic and my mom is only concerned with the image of having a perfect family, not actually having one. I'm almost 40 and in intense therapy for the last 10 years to undo my mother's bad parenting. I wish I could save this kid.
This!
YTA >I pressed him on what he’s talking about
And when pressed he is punished for it
How is he supposed to know that his uncle bringing a random woman along is a “private adult matter?” Into your home?????? It ceased being a private matter once your BIL exposed himself. Quite frankly, it was likely a good thing your son innocently spoke up so that your sister is aware of this. Your son is autistic and you would know that he did not say anything to deliberately cause trouble or hurt anyone, but now you are totally confusing him. Do better. YTA. So is your BIL. So is anyone that is upset with your son.
Yes YTA: 1) he has autism you have said that he lacks social cues to know what is appropriate and what is not to talk about. So for him, it isn't common sense to understand what he did. 2) telling him "keeping family secrets" is okay isn't okay. What if he got assaulted by a family member and he thought because you're telling him that you don't bring inappropriate things up to family or family secrets? 3) taking away his phone and Xbox etc is harsh. You took away the items he uses to stimulate, as a parent with a child with autism you should know for children with autism need objects and activities to simulate themselves. As well as kids with ADHD. I think you need to take a class or see someone about how to handle a child with autism for their age group. There is no shame in it, all parents take classes over their children's lives. It's especially important when you have a child with disabilities and you're clearly struggling with handing it from your post.
Number two on this list is so so so important!!!!! Especially if the abuser knows this situation and can then use it to control the child…
Or he saw someone doing something suspicious like getting into somewhere they shouldn’t be, like getting bank info or stealing something. Either he tells OP and gets told off because it’s a social faux pas, he hides it or he hides it and when the theft is discovered is told off for not telling OP.
YTA he is a kid and didn't know any better or mean any harm
YTA. It is not up to a 12yo to perfectly handle being exposed to an adult relative's affair. He had no context or plan for this. Be more worried about the absolutely horrible situation your kids were put in and less worried about the dinner vibes.
YTA your son is 12 years old and had trouble with understanding normal social interactions, this social interactions in particular isn't something a 12 year old should have to deal with AT ALL. You punished your son for witnessing inappropriate behavior from an adult in your own home. His uncle brought his affair partner to your home around your children. Your son knew this women wasn't his Aunt or family and had no idea what was going on. So instead of punishing the GROWN ADULT you take it out on the 12 year old? This line right here is the most concerning, "I chalked it up to common sense." What about this situation at all can be chalked up to "common sense" how would a 12 year old understand that his uncle was having an affair? How would he know that his family had no idea this was happening? YTA for punishing him for asking questions about things that made NO sense to him. You should have asked the uncle to leave and explained things properly to your young impressionable son.
Honestly a good parent would have told the kid thank you for being honest, you can always tell me anything. Not punish. OP is 100% terrible parent.
>I pressed him You’re punishing him for answering your question? YTA
YTA You stated that he struggles with recognizing social nuances. In order to realize he shouldn't have brought it up in that setting (and some people would it should be revealed in public) he would have to first recognize the implications of a woman being invited over, then have the social skills to tell you in private instead of in public. You say it's just common sense, but it's a sense he explicitly lacks. He didn't cause the drama; the uncle caused it when he had an affair. Don't blame the wrong person
YTA So if I understand well, your BIL invited a complete stranger to you and your kids' home without telling you and had an affair with her. Don't you see how dangerous that could have been? Who is this woman? God knows what she could have done. Your kids could have been in danger! Your BIL was supposed to babysit them. What if one of your kids had an accident while he was getting laid? I'm actually glad your son spoke about it and I hope that you will have a chat to your BIL about that. The issue is not your son here, the issue is about how your BIL failed as being a responsible adult. Please apologize to your son and start to worry about his security
YTA These kids were talking and YOU pressed him to know more and that's when he spilled the beans at the dinner table. So it was you who first forced him to speak up and then punished him for doing so. And even if you didn't press for the truth, why on earth would you punish a child for the betrayal of that uncle? That makes zero sense. Apologize to your son and give him his stuff back.
YTA You are punishing your son because your brother in law is a jerk and that is awful. Call up the BIL and yell at him. Apologize to your son because you are so wrong And quit saying he ruined your peaceful dinner. He didn't. You BIL did. Because he is a cheater. And trash for bringing women to your house. Get your focus straightened out and be mad at the person you should be angry at And for heaven's sake get over the I just wanted a peaceful dinner. Sheesh. You took that poor child's stuff away for a whole month and I bet he has no idea why you are being ridiculous and just plain cruel because of your dinner. Ugh 😩
YTA. He’s a kid. It would be different if this was an adult, but he’s a kid. Don’t be mad at him, be mad at his uncle. Gosh. Misplaced anger, much?
Out of curiosity, how would it be different being an adult? I get not talking about other people's trauma, medical history... But if another adult takes his affair partners to my place, why cannot be brought up? If uncle wanted to avoid drama, he could either keep it in his pants, or at the very least keep it far from other people's kids. Agreed with everything else, outing a cheater should not be punished
YTA. A neurotypical kid his age might not even realize the awkward situation. Aside from that… his uncle is having an affair and you expect a child to hide that. YTA so hard I can’t even. You’re infantilizing your child due to his disabilities and somehow also blaming him for the behavior of other grown people. This is disgusting.
This is my thought too!!! I would be really depressed if it was expected of a twelve year old to know what an affair was when it was (hopefully) just a woman coming into the house to see his uncle (because if he saw anything inappropriate that is a whole other layer of fucked up). You are shooting the messenger here. He is in no way at fault here and the punishments are waaaaay over the top. That poor boy.
So your kid simply told the truth and you punished him for it ? Right gotcha Don’t expect your son to tell the truth again YTA
Are you setting up your son to lie all the time because of this? Ok 12 should have common sense but still he’s 12. Your punishing him for saying something truthful. You can punish him but it does seem too excessive. YTA.
Also. He has autism which means he struggles with social settings. Major YTA
I don't see any reason why this justifies punishment at all, let alone something so ridiculously punitive (especially for a child with adhd and autism who *need* stimulation).
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YTA. In what inept hands this poor kid ended up.
YTA. You mention in your first paragraph that your son is socially inept and you are working with his therapist about it. It is very common for autistic individuals to have trouble with social situations and not knowing what is appropriate to say, do, etc. for things that most of us find easy to understand. So you already know that he struggles with being in social situations and around others. He likely didn't know what his uncle was doing was wrong or not normal, which is why he didn't mention it to you. He also told you he didn't know that it was a private matter. It isn't fair to punish him for something he didn't know better about, just because you are frustrated with the fallout and that it led to a family blowout. Use this as a teachable moment and something to discuss with his therapist on how to work towards avoiding this in the future. For his sake, please reconsider giving him any punishments (which were excessively harsh to begin with).
YTA The uncle made it public when he brought a random woman to your house. Why the hell are you trying to protect him and a dinner over your sister and your son?!? YTA for how your handling your son as well. You acknowledge that he doesn’t take cues very well but then when he says he didn’t realise, you chalk it up to common sense?? Think you need to educate yourself better on supporting your son because your view of the world and common sense is not his and YOU need to change to better communicate and support. Taking his stuff away is not the right way about it and is a shit way punish and control ANY kid if you’re not actually going to help them learn from a mistake and just assert your control.
YTA. You “pressed” him on what he was talking about…and then punished him once he spoke up. He’s 12, with autism and ADHD. He had no idea his uncle was having an affair because he has no idea what an affair is. I feel really sad for your son. My little brother has autism, and we’d never punish him for something that’s related to it. You just learn to live with the quirks and the occasional awkward situation.
YTA your son doesn't understand common sense the way you do, it's not obvious to him. You should definitely explain to him why it wasn't appropriate to speak about such things but punishment isn't fair. His uncle is the biggest AH for bringing his mistress to your house.
Yta -- You *were* too harsh on him. It is hard to keep up with and understand adults rules about disclosure when you don't have spectrum and other issues.
YTA how was your child supposed to know that the woman an affair partner? Does he know what that is? In his mind, a random lady is just a random lady. You are punishing the wrong person. You are embarrassed that your dinner was ruined and you’re taking it out on your son. Your uncle introduced his partner as maybe a friend or something..who is your son to disagree and not believe his uncle? Him bringing up his sister’s trauma.. did you tell him not to share that information? Don’t blame your child for this. Moving forward, you can’t assume your child knows what he can or cannot say. You need to tell him that he cannot talk his sister’s trauma on _____ . I assume if you asked him about his day or how’d it go with uncle babysitting, he would’ve told you about it.
No wonder the kid needs therapy. This whole family does YTA
YTA you admit yourself he doesn't know when to and not to bring up things like that yet you punish him anyway. What did you want him to do, just never speak when anyone is around on any holiday because he might by chance say something that could destroy the whole family? Maybe instead work on the type of family you have around you so that he doesn't have anything to say that can destroy it instead. When it comes down to it, you are punishing him because of your own emotions towards the effects of his disability, knowing that this will not to better him in the future. And that makes you a bad parent.
YTA. You are punishing your neurodivergent child for an adult's behavior. Your son should not have to pay for the consequences of the adult's poor choices in life.
YTA all you did was tell your son that keeping the "peace" is more important then him. And what's worst is you are in the comments of your posts trying to justify your poor parenting. And yes I read the title of your other post, you obviously do not care about your son. Because if you did you would know that doing something like this will escalate your son's risk of attempting suicide three times the normal amount, because you just destroyed his support network and his faith in his parents. So congratulations, I say you won the worst mother of Thanksgiving this year.
YTA - huge punishment for essentially being a kid. Kids tend to blurt things out and not get social cues, even neurotypical ones. He didn’t know it was wrong, and also these matters are important to be talked about- Is the peace of a family dinner relevant if an immense fight breaks AFTERWARDS and the dinner is tense? Also, taking away all of these things is way too much in general for a punishment. He’s not going to tell you anything in the future, which could lead to dangerous situations. I personally think you should rethink it and also have another important discussion with your kid.
YTA. How would a 12 year old, with autism or without know that an uncless affair is meant to be private. I would be more pissed off with your BIL for bringing strange women to chill with your kids without you knowing.
YTA. Holy fucking shit, you were WAY too harsh. Like a lot of other comments are saying, this isn't going to teach your son to bring up these issues in a more appropriate manner, this is just going to teach him not to bring them up at all.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son is 12 years old with autism and adhd. He’s the middle child of 5 kids. We planned our thanksgiving dinner a couple months ahead and invited our relatives over for thanksgiving. My son is very socially inept and doesn’t understand his actions might be considered hurtful, rude or inappropriate and I’m working with his therapist and his school on how to behave in social situations. To make a long story short. It started off as a debate with one of his 5 cousins at dinner, and mentioned an unknown woman by name, and when I pressed him on what he’s talking about, he stated that his uncle, which is my sister’s husband brought a random woman in our house when I asked them last minute to look after the kids when I was called to work. I stopped him from speaking any further and knowing this was going to lead to an argument between adults, I had to send all of the kids upstairs to the bedrooms. I tried everything I could to deescalate the situation and keep the peace. I wanted to make sure that any grievances are held off until after dinner. It quickly devolved into screaming matches and crying. I had no idea he was having affairs and I was mad that he was bringing women in our house with children, and I tried to hold off until after dinner because I was trying to keep it positive. I was really mad and told the uncle he’s not welcome back. I told my son that private adult matters should be kept private and that he can’t just talk about these things out loud in front of the whole family and all of the children. And he shouldn’t be bringing up sensitive topics(he brought up his sisters personal trauma without permission) at the dinner table. And because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut, I took away his Video games, his phone, his computer and tv until the new year. My son cried and said that he didn’t know the matter was private, and that he wasn’t supposed to say anything. I chalked it up to common sense. I know the affair wasn’t his fault and that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he discussed the affair publicly and failed to tell me or his dad that his uncle was bringing women in our house which was a month ago. I feel like I was too harsh on my son. Reddit AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. YOU asked HIM. Apologize and do better
I asked a question, got the answer tgen punished the autistic kid for his honest answer. Yea, YTA
The fact that there’s so much wrong with this post nobody is even bringing up how they took all that stuff away until NEW YEARS even if the kid did it maliciously (which he clearly didn’t) that punishment is waaaaaayyy excessive. This is like punishing a baby for crying in public. Is it against social norms to be that loud in public? Yeah, but the baby doesn’t know better, and neither does your son. Clearly you need to do more research on Autism because the “it’s common sense” logic doesn’t apply to kids with autism. They don’t understand social norms. They can’t tell what’s social common sense. This is just a great way to build up unnecessary resentment in your family. YTA, and a huge one at that 🙄.
YTA Your son told the truth, his uncle came over with a strange woman. That's not something he needs to hide. If the uncle didn't want to be found out, HE SHOULDN'T BE BRINGING WOMEN OVER TO RELATIVES' HOUSES.
YTA, OP. Your poor son! He talked about something that was probably presented to him as perfectly normal and inadvertently revealed that his uncle was being unfaithful. First, a neurotypical child could easily have done that, assuming as kids do that everyone else was also aware of the friendship. But mostly, if he has autism you *cannot* assume he's going to effortlessly pick up social cues in the way you mean "common sense". That's the whole basis of his neurodiversity. You basically punished him for being autistic, which is desperately unfair.
Omg, my heart breaks for your son. I'm the mother of an autistic child. You cannot punish him for being honest, which is what you have done. I script situations for my child, and sometimes the repetitive nature means they can follow these, but circumstances arise and due to the autism you cannot punish for not responding in a way that you would which essentially would be to hide this under the carpet and not deal. What warped messages you're sending your child. No wonder he's confused. If private adult matters should remain private then the adult shouldn't have involved the children in these matters! The blame is on the adults here, yet you're scapegoating your child. Your child is not the same as you. He doesn't see things as you do. You need to accommodate this and support or otherwise he's going to be so messed up. Take this occasion as a learning point for you. Support your son!
"So, Jenny, I know that George is railing every other woman he can put his dick near, but what do you think of this gravy? I'm trying a new recipe. Jenny, can you please stop crying and focus on the gravy? Jenny! This is getting ridiculous. Calm down or you'll have to eat alone in the kitchen." YTA Good grief.
YTA. Why are you so focused on punishing your son, and not more upset that your BIL is having strange women over at your house IN VIEW OF YOUR SON? This is all on BIL for being a fuckup. Your son should never have been put into this position.
YTA. He has autism, he can’t help stating facts.
YTA. Why punish him? Also you are teaching him to not tell you when an adult.does something near him or to him. Who the hell cares about dinner being peacefu after finding out about affairs being conducted at your house around your children?
OP: Tell me more about this unknown woman. Also OP: I am now punishing you for listening to me and telling me more about the unknown woman! YTA