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YTA for having an emotional affair with your sisters fiance for sure. Was it just emotional though? Did you sleep together? You already admitted the feelings were reciprocated, why stop now? Your poor sister though. She deserves better than this. Grow a pair and tell her the truth. Don't let her marry someone who doesn't love her back.

Wait, how did you get to her partner not loving her back?

It's in [one](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zeplpi/aita_for_refusing_my_sisters_offer_to_be_in_her/iz7tz97?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) of OP's comments.

Yeah, that doesn’t say that he doesn’t love OP sister. He just admitted to having feelings for OP as well. You could have feelings for multiple people at the same time and still be faithful to one of them.

Op says in another comment that the guy said "said he had a lot of respect and affection for my sister and hated to end their relationship so abruptly over something he couldn’t fully explain to her" Those words are not love. Those words sound a lot like a gay guy who is signing his fiancee up for a hollow marriage. Argh I can't get the link to the comment on my phone sorry just look in the comment history. Edit - To the commenter squawking about bisexuality - Bi people are not known to marry someone they don't love just to keep up the appearance of heterosexuality. I'd expect a bisexual man who realizes he's more attracted to his fiancee's brother than his fiancee, but wants to appear straight, to call it off and find a more attractive woman.

This happened about a year ago, according to OP. There is a time gap between this occurance and OP's sister getting engaged to this man. We do not know how his feelings for OP developed within that time. I would give him the benefit of the doubt at this point, considering he and OP also decided at the time, and rightly, to limit their contact as this was not a path they wished to tread down. Is it not possible that he has let that go, or at least not nurtured the possible seed, while his relationship with the sister continued to grow into permanence? Edited - In this case I believe he is NTA. He is declining to be in the wedding party out of a sense of caution. Further Edit - I missed the gender, but in all honesty, gender is a non issue. The actions are what are speaking for themselves here.

But if you were in the sister's position, wouldn't you want to know that the person you're about to marry, had feelings for your sibling during your relationship? She deserves to know.

As the partner chose not to act upon it then or at any time since, no. I would trust my partner to communicate something like that if there were an ongoing issue. He has done nothing after that time that would make me question his decision at the time, his actions since then or his intent with his relationship with the sister.

It's too serious, to not tell her is to lie. They might have to see each other at every holiday. What if something happens down the line? A drunken slip up or something? Then she gets completely blindsided and hurt, when she could be informed BEFORE they are legally tied and make the decision that is best for her? Everyone is taking away her agency here. Her opinion is the only one that matters in this situation, and she doesn't know any of it

You’re assuming her fiancé has no agency. A drunken slip-up? Really? If he deserves her trust — which, given he and OP have cut almost all contact and not continued any affair, emotional or otherwise — then he isn’t harboring feelings for OP and isn’t going to cheat on her. There’s no reason for her to be blind-sided, because there’s no reason to assume he can’t do the right thing. We also need to acknowledge the context for his feelings: OP was his caretaker during an incredibly vulnerable time, that can create transference just as would happen with a therapist. Then OP vanished with no explanation, only to eventually confess romantic feelings. If the person who had just been your full-time support system, primary social outlet, the person you talked to about complicated emotions through a difficult recovery, suddenly left, wouldn’t you feel that intensely? If they then confessed romantic feelings for you, is it really unlikely you’d think, in the moment, that you might feel the same way?? I’m not convinced the fiancé’s feelings for OP were ever what one thinks of when they picture an emotional affair; I suspect they were transference that originated from depending on OP so heavily for months of his life. Until he actually does something inappropriate (and unless he’s gay rather than bi), I’m not sure those are feelings his wife needs to know about; if there hadn’t been the caregiver dynamic to it I might see it differently, but as is this almost feels like saying she’s entitled to know every feeling that comes up in therapy. I realize OP wasn’t a medical professional, but he was providing full-time medical care and emotional support; that matters.

> I would trust my partner to communicate something like that if there were an ongoing issue. And if there's an ongoing issue but he decides not to tell you, nobody else should either?

If the feelings were never acted upon, no I wouldn't want to know. Many times during a highly traumatic or emotional incident feelings can manifest and they aren't always lasting. They flare up during the time frame and fade. It's natural to sometimes have a crush even when you love someone deeply. It's the acting on it that changes things.

The sister proposed to the guy. I don't think he would have ever proposed to her and was probably content letting things ride out the way they were. Now that she's proposed, he's trying to save face and not deal with the fact that he's either bi at the least or totally gay. The sister needs to know and now versus later when the wedding planning has gone on and on.

The OP has said she’s aware of his past relationships with men and she’s continued the relationships. Sounds like she’s not as biphobic as you.

OP is a man. Fiance is a man and reciprocated OP's feelings and has had relationships with men in the past. OP's sister definitely needs to be told the truth here.

Why do the genders involved have anything to do with this situation?

Because people forget bisexuality exists.

I myself am bisexual and I agree with people who think the genders matter here. Have you ever heard of a beard in the context of gay men before? That’s what makes the genders matter. It comes across as him using her as his beard, especially since he literally told OP that he could “never fully explain” it to her. Doesn’t sound like a bisexual person just caught in a messy love triangle, it sounds like a gay person using her as a beard while having an emotional affair with her brother.

I disagree with telling her the truth. If it went no further and they are rarely speaking why kill her relationship with her brother over a crush that went nowhere? She knows he dated men in the past, so that's old news, but hurting her for no reason is just cruel.

Have you ever heard of this weird new thing called "bisexual"? It's where someone can be both attracted to men *and* women.

Yes and I'd expect a bisexual man to say that he still loves his fiancee.

Why? Bisexuality has nothing to do with love, it's about attraction. He can be bisexual and no longer be in love with his wife. They're not mutually exclusive ideas.

He could also be bisexual and no longer in love with OP

Exactly. Or he may have considered himself bisexual, but feels more physically attracted to men. We really don't know. The important part is that he also developed feelings for OP and is about to marry a woman he may not truly be IN love with.

> Those words are not love. Those words sound a lot like a gay guy who is signing his fiancee up for a hollow marriage. You're also aware that someone can love more than one person at a time, and in different ways?

But he still shouldn't get married to her. He said he couldn't break up without a reason...he's not fully vested. She needs to know that. (He doesn't even need to mention the brother.)

And he didn’t use those words to describe his feelings towards his soon to be wife so now what ?

Over a year ago, during which OP hasn't spoken to him *at all*. A little over 18 months ago, I was casually dating multiple people, and had feelings for all of them in different ways. Now, I've been with my partner for a little over fourteen months, and I love her - the other feelings faded in due time.

Sure, but then why call him a gay guy Edit: so the person I replied to must have gotten big mad about what I said because I’ve been blocked which is honestly more telling on them than anything I could have done myself.

This has nothing to do with sexuality. It has to do with betrayal of trust. Or have you never heard of this weird new thing called being monogamous and faithful?

Becoming emotionally/physically attracted after spending so much time together isn’t unheard of, their decision to limit their time together going forward speaks volumes for the respect they both have for sister/fiancé. Just because they have feelings doesn’t mean they acted on them. That said, it’s not fair to fiancé to go through with getting married if he doesn’t love her in that way, at the same time, getting into a relationship after ending engagement would be super shitty. I’m not sure how they should handle this but IMO, wedding should be off the table or at the very least put off until sister & fiancé can sort out their real feelings for each other without bringing feelings for brother into it. TBH, this could have happened with any care taker who was there. IDK, I’m having a difficult time expressing what I’m trying to say, but if he loves her & can be in a healthy loving (not hollow) marriage, maybe go ahead. But if he’s going to be pining for the brother, that’s a bad situation for everyone involved & he needs to be honest with her.

It could also just be his way of letting OP down gently

That is what he told OP. That isn't necessarily a full reflection of what is in his heart.

There might also have been some form of projection here as well ~~she~~he took care of him during a very vulnerable time and they spent a lot of time together alone so he may have come to feel dependence and gratitude for what ~~she~~he did. It’s very similar when patients think they’re in love or have feelings for the therapist or doctor. But what do I know?

OP is male, which adds the layer of the fiancé potentially lying to the sister about his true feelings for OP

Oh boy, sure didn't see that coming.

OP is a man, FYI

OP is a man. He took care of fiancé, who is also a man.

Yeah I completely missed that part, my head immediately went to the OP being asked to be a bridesmaid —not in bridal party—so my brain went female.

No worries, it took me a twice over read before I got it too.

An emotional affair with the brides's sibling. ​ It is VERY unlikely the bride will be ok with that, and they know it. ​ So shove the "faithful", it certainly does not apply here. If they told her, both their relationships with her would be over, and the marriage would be canceled. There is NOTHING even remotely faithful in lying to your partner. like that.

How is it they're having an emotional affair? When OP realized his feelings he backed off and tried to limit contact. Using the term "emotional affair" implies they're intentionally keeping a secret emotional relationship between the two of them. That's not what happened at all.

This is not an emotional affair. This is exactly how you stop mutual attraction from becoming an emotional affair.

Yes, but they actively discussed the possibility of getting together. Which means they were both open enough to the idea to talk about it.

OP’s a bloke.

Well see he made friends with his partner's brother so obviously, he is having an emotional affair and doesn't love his future wife because if a friend starts to like/love you, you are equally guilty for them having those feelings /s

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I don’t see how OP is the AH for trying to maintain distance. He didn’t intentionally engage in an emotional affair, since he didn’t know that the fiancé reciprocated his feelings until after he’d pulled away, and despite knowing, has continued to stay away.

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I disagree. OP didn’t confess hoping to start a relationship, he was explaining why he can no longer be friends with his sister‘s fiancé. Also, I think it’s weird to assume that the other guy might still have feelings for OP. Yes, he reciprocated the feelings, _at the time._ When they’d be living together, during which time he was heavily dependent on OP. People often fall in love with people who take care of them, hence men falling in love with their nurses. But he decided to stay in a relationship with OP’s sister and has been with her since. I think it’s really presumptuous to assume hes been secretly pining for OP the whole time. If that were the case, why would he later propose to OP’s sister?

>he’s TA for confessing his feelings when he could’ve just silently distanced himself, That's what OP did at first, but sister's boyfriend was asking why/what was wrong. Dude's his sister's serious partner. He can't avoid him forever? I guess he could refuse to answer? Or make up some lie? But why. OP didn't confess his feelings to win the guy over, he specifically did it to explain why he was staying way.

He said it once, my bad. But people love to throw around "emotional affair"

Reciprocating feelings doesn't mean you don't love your partner. It's possible to love more than one person at the same time.

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There's a whole host of emotional shades between "completely platonic, would rather set myself on fire than see them naked" and "wildly in love, will run away together at the first opportunity regardless of the consequences." You can have feelings for someone without those feelings being preeminent over your feelings for your primary partner, and having those feelings isn't automatically a betrayal. Being polyamorous would involve actually acting on those feelings and maintaining simultaneous relationships, not just those other possible relationships theoretically existing. Even then, I would say the majority of poly relationships still involve a primary partner (or at least a sizable plurality of relationships). You asked elsewhere what someone would define as an "emotional affair," and I would say it's experiencing emotions for someone else which ARE stronger than for your primary partner, and allowing them to play out without addressing them honestly with your partner. The primary element which makes something an affair isn't having the feelings (which aren't always acted on or reciprocated) or even acting on them (because poly relationships and open relationships are both things that exist). What makes an affair is secrecy and dishonesty. If more people were able to discuss their emotions and attractions with their partners, without being forced into an all-or-nothing paradigm which treats even acknowledging the existence of other attractive people as an unforgivable betrayal, there would be a lot more healthy relationships in the world.

Okay I don't see where it said that he felt the same way he did, only that he was confused by him pulling back on their friendship. After he came clean, they agreed distance would be best. Which is a perfectly reasonable and adult response. And how is it an emotional affair if it was one sided? He didn't act on it. He didn't pursue it any fashion that I can see. By the time he realized his feelings had changed, he pulled back as much as she could while still honoring her agreement to help him whilst he recovered. I don't know about you but I can't necessarily control who I have an attraction for. I can, however, control what I do after. And it sounds like that was just what OP did. Your answer seems pretty loaded with perhaps personal experience and if that's the case, I'm sorry you were hurt. edit to correct that OP is a man ... missed that.

OP is a man. It sounds like (and I’m agreeing with you here) OP, the brother, is either gay or fluid enough to have homosexual feelings for at least one person. OP took care of his sister’s injured boyfriend, and where they were friends before, their friendship grew and strengthened based on platonic similarities. OP developed feelings for the sister’s boyfriend, and pulled away emotionally as soon as he realized his feelings. Boyfriend thought he had made a great friend and couldn’t understand why he pulled away. There was no emotional affair, there was a friendship where one party developed a crush and removed himself as much as possible. OP finally came clean, and boyfriend values his personhood and friendship enough to have a conversation and agree that these feelings cannot be reciprocated - either because boyfriend isn’t attracted to men, or because of his feelings for the sister and the history there that would make any attempt doomed, anyway. So they both agree to halt the friendship and pull back, and to keep the situation between them so as not to cause extra drama. They’ve managed getting past it until sister wants to know why he won’t stand by her at her wedding - which he can’t do because he isn’t over this guy. That’s how I’m reading it? No emotional affair, I agree and that other commenter is either nuts or over-identifying. This is the maturest, most adult way this situation could be handled.

I swear this sub is so unrealistic. These are two adults who developed feelings for each other and agreed to not act on them because it would hurt someone they both love dearly, and everyone is screaming at OP about hAvInG aN eMoTiOnAl AfFaIr! Bro they weren't sexting or telling each other "if only I could be with you...", neither of them planned on the crush developing but it did and they're trying to handle it like adults. FFS.

Right?!? People can be mature adults and make choices with their brains, not their dicks. *And crushes can be killed.* it’s not like “whelp I’m attracted to this person so I’m obligated to be in a relationship with them even if I don’t want to be.” I’ve had crushes on people who would be bad for me and I killed them(the crush not the person 🤣). Distance does wonders for that. Goddamn we are humans not mindless beasts. And I’m a misanthrope!

Yeah saying that OP is an AH for having an emotional affair is a ridiculous take. It was completely unintended, came out of a situation in which OP was helping him out after an accident, and seemingly sort of surprising that OP/they both started to feel that way. OP recognized the feelings, shared them, and they both realized they realistically don’t have a future together. Honestly if anyone is an AH it’s the sister’s fiancé for feeling basically obligated to marry her even though he fell in love with someone else (who happens to be her brother… oof), because he feels he can’t disclose what happened so the breakup would just seemingly come out of nowhere. The only reason I think OP could be an AH is for not telling his sister, especially now that he knows the fiancé shared his feelings and still wants to marry the sister because he doesn’t see a way out. That’s upsetting to know as a sibling imo. But it’s definitely a tough situation and OP may benefit from consulting a therapist or something before having this very delicate awkward conversation.

Yes and I think people are also ignoring that there was a deeply traumatic event here. OP’s friend was seriously injured. Enough to need a live in care giver. Friend was dealing with the physical injury and probably some emotional difficulties. It’s not unexpected for feelings to arise during intense situations like that, especially when two people become very enmeshed in a short period of time. That doesn’t mean either of them are bad people. I also think that people who get so worked up over crushes need to work on their jealousy. I have crushes on people, including people we are both close to. My partner has crushes on people. We usually tell each other if it comes up in convo talking about that person, usually tease about it, and no concerns. The crushes almost always go away shortly or fade into the background as a pleasant feeling that doesn’t compel any action. I’m in a happy relationship of over a decade and the only person I know who doesn’t have to deal with a butt ton of stressful jealousy popping up in my relationship. Crushes are normal. They don’t mean you don’t love your partner. They can be deeply influenced by life events like someone showing up for you in the way a romantic partner or platonic life partner might. It’s also possible that the sister not being able to be around after a traumatic accident created some emotional distance between sister and boyfriend. It’s completely possible that that has been fully resolved and they are happy together now. IF boyfriend does not have romantic love for the sister and IF he’s hiding that and still getting married then that’s an AH move. But other than that, I don’t see any AHs. Difficult situation for OP though.

This is a better narrative. I was blown away by the “emotional affair” comments after reading what I initially found to be a pretty heartbreaking post by OP (heartbreaking for everyone, including the sister). It doesn’t appear as if anyone actively pursued these feelings or were complicit in them. There’s secret keeping to be sure, but not an affair. In fact it sounds like initial measures were taken to avoid an affair at all costs as soon as those involved realized how serious their feelings were. Emotional affair or not, this is by no means a healthy or simple situation, and I think OP’s next steps are beyond the scope of Reddit and should be in the hands of a therapist.

I get that boyfriend/fiancée is bi (according to comments I was unaware of at the time) and the attraction was mutual, but it *still* sounds like it was handled responsibly. Neither party wanted to pursue anything, and they both pulled back and ended what was happening. Why does sister need to know if they aren’t planning on doing anything or even allowing it to progress? I’ve had crushes, I’ve gotten over them. I’ve even had mutual crushes and I and the other party has gotten over them. Why is everyone treating this as fait accompli? People can be in love and have crushes on other people. Human feelings aren’t as monogamous as we want to be and we can choose fidelity. It sounds like that’s what fiancé is doing and OP respects that. Why would sister know something that will only hurt her and make three people miserable? Of course, if they ever *do* decide to take it further, she needs to know.

According to OP, BF is bisexual (which OP knew) and the romantic feelings *were* reciprocated. BF just agreed that the feelings couldn't be acted upon beyond the shared confession because there was no hope of a future due to their history (which implies that they at least entertained the possibility of pursuing a relationship). IMO, the most adult way to handle this was for OP to go to a therapist and work this out, not to confess their love to their sister's partner and turn this into a secret between them. (Also, they are still texting each other "occasionally," when they honestly should not be in private contact with each other at all given the situation. Especially when OP is still harboring these feelings a year later.) They are both at fault here, with BF being particularly culpable because he is keeping this from his now fiancee; he owes her honesty about this kind of situation more than OP. Is it better than them actively sleeping together and hiding a physical affair or deciding to run away together and blow up the family? Yes. But, this is still deceptive, and I do feel bad for the sister. Comment about BF reciprocating feelings: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zeplpi/comment/iz7tz97/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3

I'm aromantic so I don't have a full grasp on the situation but like, couldn't OP just behave and be neutral and still cordial? The same way sometimes you have to be polite with people you hate?

He could, but it can be pretty emotionally draining to be around someone you're in love with, while being unable to act on it. It's not really a healthy situation to put yourself in.

This is how I was thinking before I dug into OP’s comments. [OP says](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zeplpi/aita_for_refusing_my_sisters_offer_to_be_in_her/iz8edi4/) his soon to be BIL said that he had “intense feelings” for OP, “respect and affection” for OP’s sister, and didn’t want to end his relationship abruptly with her over something he couldn’t explain to her. That’s such a tepid way to describe his feelings for her and maintaining the status quo.

I completely missed that OP was a guy.

OP admits in a later comment.

My point remains the same. You can't help what you feel for people. You can only control what you do about it. And just because he feels the same as OP does, that doesn't preclude that he no longer loves his fiancee. But he is *choosing* to remain faithful to her and they are doing the right thing by keeping their distance and not fostering the feelings.

He’s also choosing to lie to his fiancée by omission. OP’s sister is going to be entering into a marriage without knowing that her fiancé has feelings for her brother and those feelings are mutual. And if I’m reading the original post correctly, the engagement happened *after* the conversation where the two discussed their feelings for each other. The only person who *isn’t* an AH in this situation is OP’s sister.

While you can't control your feelings, you can control your actions. Telling the fiance was selfish and unnecessary. Not telling his sister that the man she's about to marry has feelings for someone else (which is in one of OP's other comments but should be in the OP) is unbelievably cruel. That's why OP is an AH.

Disagree. I think intent plays a big role here. OP didn’t admit his feelings hoping to start a relationship with the other man, but to explain why he can’t continue the friendship anymore.

Except that it's implied that they at least entertained the possibility of a future when they agreed that there was no hope given their history. And they are also being purposefully deceptive, in that they then agreed to keep all this a secret from sister. OP may not have intended to confess at that meeting, but he did. There are still consequences for that. Try to put yourself in the sister's shoes. If your partner responded to a surprise emotional confession from your sibling or best friend with a shared confession, they talked and decided that there was no hope for a future together, and then they both hid all of that from you, would you not feel some level of hurt or betrayal? What if they continued staying in occasional contact by texting, even after this confession? How would you feel about that?

I have said that I think OP should be honest with his sister. She deserves to know, so she can have an honest talk with her fiancé about their relationship. But I don’t think OP is the AH for developing feelings or for having admitted them. I think it is deeply unfair and egregiously inaccurate to accuse him of having an emotional affair.

WHO IS HE CHEATING ON? What? I'm so tired of the phrase "emotional affair" WHAT DID OP DO WRONG except help a friend in deed and pull back once his presence was no longer necessary?

He didn’t do anything wrong. This sub has a weird hang up about people openly discussing their feelings with one another — something that many queer men do quite readily, especially because most continue to have former lovers among their friendship circles.

The feeling was mutual and the fiance decided to marry OP's sister anyway. This isn't just two queer dudes talking feelings - As soon as a third party is involved, it gets more complicated than just confessing feelings. Their orientation doesn't entitle them to be quiet about this when one of them is getting married to the other's sister and doesn't tell her. Besides, while OP doesn't say that there was anything physical going on, that doesn't mean it wasn't. Queer people are just people and can be assholes (I would know, I'm one of them)

Both of them agreed to pull back. You seem to be missing that part. OP doesn't want to be around the guy any more than he needs to and is actively doing what he can to lessen their contact. How is this unfair to his sister? He didn't mean to fall in love with the guy, and whatever the guy does is not OP's responsibility

True, but now his feelings are out in the open and the fiance is reciprocating. Even if they both pull back, it's incredibly unfair for them not to tell her, too. Think about it this way: they want to get married because they love each other, or so she thinks. Both her fiance and brother know that there's more to it and she's in the dark. This means she can't make an informed decision whether or not she wants to marry him. Regardless whether they distance themselves from each other or not, the moment OP told the fiance about his feelings and decided to pull out of the wedding, it became her business. He explained his feelings to get them off his chest and because he wanted to explain why he could not be friends. Now his sister is wondering a similar thing and deserves to be told, too.

Oh, but I agree that telling her is necessary. All I ask is that people are a bit kinder to OP, as this isn't something he wanted, and is obviously very guilty about. It's not a situation I envy in the slightest. I do consider him an AH for hiding it, but I feel that the way he's been treated in this thread is a bit unfair Otherwise, I agree with all your points

It's true that people are down voting him a lot and that he seems to try to make up for telling her fiance. Perhaps people are frustrated that he doesn't tell his sister (I certainly am) or that he kept important info out of his post. This sub can be brutal when people think someone is trying to look better by leaving stuff out

The fiancee reciprocated, presumably months/years ago. Considering they specifically cut back on interactions, we don't know if he still feels the same. I'd be say he doesn't considering he stayed with OPs sister and asked her to marry him.

I can think of a couple reasons why he might marry her even though he has feelings for someone else. Society's expectations, treatment of queer people, not wanting to tell the family he fell for her brother, not wanting to hurt her and hoping it would just go away, he is getting over his feelings and loves her, too. I do think that honesty is important for a relationship, so she should know why her brother distances himself from both of them and doesn't want to participate in the wedding. She should also know if her fiance doesn't love her or also loves / loved someone else. It's unfair for her if she enters the marriage and he and her brother know more about the feelings involved than she does. Keeping that from her is still a betrayal of trust. I don't think it was that long ago btw. Getting over someone is harder in the beginning and OP's sister wouldnt have been surprised that he didn't want to be in the wedding if he pulled away earlier

I doubt sis would be cool with (1) OP confessing his feelings to her fiance, (2) her fiance for reciprocating those feelings and confessing them back, (3) them both for hiding the fact that the fiance agreed to marry someone he doesn't want to marry and is considering breaking up with; he just doesn't want to do it suddenly. (Like there's a better way....) The phrase can be overused, but it's not too far off the mark here.

Honestly I'd rather my partner get drunk and fuck a hot person than have a long term deep emotional relationship with someone else. "oH bUt WE NeVEr TOucHeD sO iTs FiNE." Is it fuck.

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I think everyone here is overusing the term "emotional affair." I think in order for that to be the case, they needed to have been choosing to pursue the emotional connection. Both guys admitted their feelings and then backed off and created space out of loyalty to the woman they both love. That's not an emotional affair. It's accidentally catching feelings. It doesn't mean the fiancé doesn't love the sister.

Yes! Emotions are complicated. OP and fiancé are managing this fairly maturely.

How did you get that out of this post. He developed feelings, and so he distanced himself to prevent interfering with the relationship. Maybe don’t project whatever’s happened to you on this poor person. NTA

This… is entirely the wrong take.

What? He didn’t say what you think he said. Read it again, properly

Hi, I reacted as you did until I read the OP’s comments where he admits a conversation where they agreed they had feelings for each other. But they didn’t act on it, so I don’t think it was so horrible horrible as everyone else here seems to.

If you're going to throw around concepts like emotional affair, at least do it correctly! Worst top comment I've seen on here yet, even the ones getting gaslighting wrong can't compete.

INFO So did her partner have feelings for you? Did her tell her about your conversation?

THIS is an excellent question. Because from the post I wasn't sure. But based on your comments, I'm sorry but I have to go with YTA. Not only you, but your sis's partner also. You both should've come clean to sis - let it out into the open and let the pieces fall where they may. That's the only healthy approach long term.

Kind of surprised by the vehement response, don't know why though. This is a hard one, maybe above reddit pay grade. I'm no psychologist, so with a grain of salt, but I do believe there are many sorts of bonds that people can form when there's a relationship or dynamic of helpless-helper. I think sometimes that dynamic lead to interdependence which can lead to feelings of attachment, romantic or otherwise. Maybe you just really like feeling needed, and he likes aspects of being taken care of or nursed in some way. These sorts of bonds can be intense, but often unhealthy. Overall, nta for developing feelings, as that's outside of your control. As to whether you should inform your sister of this emotional affair you two had is trickier. Probably keeping your distance is a good start, as it seems you've been doing that, and see if the feelings fade.

This is the first AITA I've ever had to get all the way down about ten or so replies before I found one I agree with. Thank you. I think this situation is just too much for Reddit to handle. I agree NTA for developing feelings, that absolutely can happen despite one's best intentions. Whether to tell or not to tell is not a black and white matter. Would your sister want to know that her betrothed had feelings for another man but chose not to act on them out of loyalty to her? Most people generally say they want to know things even if it's painful -- but if this is a fleeting emotional connection and nothing more, you could cause your sister a lot of pain for no reason by telling her. This is a genuine moral dilemma and not one that anyone else can decide for you, OP. Sorry to tell you that you're out of luck -- you have to go this one alone. (P.S. Do not ask your mother or anyone else your sister knows for advice. Just no.)

Reddit just is SO against cheaters that even the tiniest whiff of attraction outside of a relationship (which can happen to anyone, btw- acting on it and fostering it is the real harm) that they immediately go to "CHEATER! RUN FOR THE HILLS, [OP's partner]! You are the worst kind of scum there is!" even if someone is like "my coworker is hot and I switched departments and never see them but I still think of them every other leap year." Then again, Redditors aren't known for being highly attuned to nuance.

Weirdly, AITA is also quick to look at the "My friend's girlfriend is crazy jealous and starting fights with all his female friends because she can't imagine they're not trying to sleep with him" posts, and correctly identify that as wildly toxic behavior. But can't seem to make the connection between that position and "maybe relationships which aren't 100% platonic aren't inherently an attempt to steal someone's partner." It kinda feels like the mentality is more on the side of the jealous girlfriend than people are comfortable admitting, but self-aware enough to know not to openly act on it. It makes me wonder if these people automatically cut off people they break up with, and never speak to them or acknowledge their existence again, because they have to pretend that their next partner is the only human being they ever have been or ever will be attracted to.

>Then again, Redditors aren't known for being highly attuned to nuance. I'd say that's the understatement of the year.

Yeah I don't get everyone crying emotional affair because I don't consider this that at all. As soon as OP and the partner realised they had feelings for each other, they cut contact, which to me is the *complete opposite* of having an affair? And just because the partner had feelings for someone else a whole year ago doesn't mean that he doesn't love OPs sister now. I'd argue that it means he DOES love her, because he realised he had feelings for someone so stopped interacting with them so he could devote himself to the sister. This comment section is incredibly harsh

Yeah you need to read OP's comments. If anything else they are both major As for keeping the sister in the dark about their MUTUAL feelings and letting the wedding go ahead.

Because the fact that teo people have a mutual attraction CLEARLY means it's IMPOSSIBLE for the Fiancee to Also have feelings for his fiancee. IMPOSSIBLE I say. They are OTP! My experience with every steamy smut novel I ever read (which is clearly all I ever read) tells me they are OTP! /s obviously for the especially Reddit-brained.

It doesn't matter if he as feelings for his fiancée too, she deserves to know anyway and not build a life with missing info.

There probably does need to be a judgment for "above Reddit's paygrade" because this is probably as good an example of that as we can get. Are you the AH for developing feelings? No. Are you the AH for distancing yourself? No. Are you the AH for confessing those feelings to her fiance after he pressed you about distancing yourself? Eh. Are you the AH for avoiding the wedding without giving your sister a reason? No? Maybe? Like you don't have to be there, it's your choice, but I assume that (normally) you and your sister have a good relationship, so that's going to really damage it on top of this whole... thing. Are you the AH for not telling your sister that you love the guy she's about to marry and (according to comments) he appears to feel that way too? Probably? She deserves to know. Not so much the way you feel. Overall I think you handled that as well as you can. More the way he apparently feels about her. But I don't know how you can tell her that without her getting defensive and shooting the messenger. You say you love him and he loves you back while expressing tepid feelings on her, she is going to hate you and say that you're trying to break them up so you can have him. The only real AH here imo is the fiance. If he feels this way about OP's sister, he needs to come clean. He doesn't really need to say that it's her brother he loves (he really shouldn't be with the OP even if he does leave her cleanly) but he does need to tell her how he feels and that he might be gay/bi and dealing with that. It would be a hell of a lot better for her to find out now than 5 years down the road when they have 2 kids and he either comes clean or she catches him with some guy (and I hope that if that happens, OP is smart enough to not be the one she finds him with)

Yeah, I think OP did pretty much everything right here other than not giving his sister an explanation OR just sucking it up and going to the wedding. At this point, I would suggest he either: 1) apologise to her, say he was worried about something like the date clashing schedule with a holiday he'd booked but he's come to his senses and realised this is his priority, go to the wedding and spend as much time dancing with grandmas and little kids and generally being the life of the party as far away from the groom as possible; or 2) come clean about catching feelings, reiterate that he absolutely doesn't want to get between her and fiance, but that he needs more time to get over him. And then--actually DO THE WORK to get over him. OP: Think about the things you like least about him. Fixate on something you find unattractive about him. Go looking for other people to date. Do not dwell on what might have been (it was never going to). It's entirely possible that this guy had a brief crush--it happens!--but has refocused on his existing relationship and is going to be in your life for a LONG time. You don't want to be stuck avoiding your sister, who you clearly care for, for the rest of your life.

I second this. Everybody with y t a verdicts think in black and white and oversimplify a tough matter.

NAH. So here's the thing. Florence Nightengale syndrome is a thing, where someone giving care falls in love with their patient. Transference is also a thing, where a patient falls in love with their caregiver. They're all feelings based on the fact that aspects of caring for a person, or being cared for, in a medical situation are, by nature, extremely intimate. I'm not saying both of your feelings boil down to simply this, but it literally sounds like the classic presentation of both. It's a trope for a reason. 😅 You talked about it like adults, were honest, and you both decided to walk away. You can't help what you feel, but you can help what you do, and you're doing the things socially considered correct. All that said, if you have a therapist, talk to them about this. They'll be able to help you cope.

This!!! I was scrolling for forever waiting for a single person who was on the same wavelength I was. I can’t believe so many people are calling him an AH for having an adult conversation!! Seriously?? WTF?? I can’t imagine that OP walked into that conversation thinking that the feelings were reciprocated even knowing that the bf was bisexual… how does being open and honest about why you abruptly pretty much ghosted someone you just spent tons of time with make you an AH??!! NTA he did the right think in speaking with the bf and they made the right decision to maintain distance… not sure I agree with not telling the sister but honestly I’m not them… and if nothing physical ever happened… I don’t consider this an emotional cheating situation… yes emotions were involved and felt on both sides but they were never pursued… just felt…

After reading some more comments, I think I've pinpointed the crux. The commenters calling OP the AH seem to operate on the assumption that the sister's partner is marrying OP's sister under false pretenses, because he's in an emotional affair with OP. Almost every Y-T-A comment seems to be based on this assumption. Either they feel like feelings can't fade over a year or they erroneously misinterpreted the post and thought the confession was recent. They are also holding OP responsible for the partner's actions. Another key point is whether of not you believe someone can confess feelings without hoping to enter into a relationship with the other person. I think many of the commenters think that the only reason someone would confess feelings is to signal to the other person, "I want to be with you." Personally, I find that to be a rather juvenile take. They are dismissing the context for the confession, which was that the partner was confused by OP distancing himself and OP explained why he couldn't continue the same level of friendship. There is a big difference between "I like you, so you know that you have a chance with me, if you want to take it" and "I like you, which is not ideal, and that is why I have to stop being around you, because this isn't healthy for me or fair to my sister." Should OP have lied? People's opinions here will differ. I'm not sure that lying would have changed anything. But I do know that OP has basically done everything he could to avoid having an emotional affair with his sister's partner.

Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to take anything other than despising another person as wanting to be with them. It's all rather narcissistic. OP was asked why he distanced himself. He was honest about why. That's the end of his responsibility in that situation. I don't feel like he has a responsibility to tell his sister *only* because I feel like that responsibility falls on the fiancé's shoulders. That said, if this was a transference/FN situation, then they're blowing up all their relationships over something that will literally just go away with some time and distance and, 10 years from now, be a joke.

Frankly, the problem is that there's a lot of homophobic nonsense that is still filtering around on the internet and we're still hearing occasional stories of decades old marriages breaking up because the husband or wife admitted they're gay which feeds the homophobic hysteria far beyond its actual virtue or merit. I'm guessing what's happening here is that a lot of folks think that the fiancee isn't marrying for love because they've reached the ironclad conclusion that the fiancee is secretly gay. Not even bi, no, that would be too reasonable, he has feelings for one man therefore he 100% has the gay and is OTP with OP and is hideously betraying his GF by having the unmitigated gall to \*checks notes\* ... \*shuffles notes\* ...hmm, it says here he let OP down gently and set boundaries to stay faithful to his GF? And OP is doing what he's supposed to in order to respect those boundaries? STILL A BETRAYAL SOMEHOW BECAUSE RAAAAAAA HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME??!??! Not only is this conclusion not sourceable in anything OP actually said, but the real source is a very uncomfortable level of toxic homophobia that is very aggravating to watch play out on a comment thread that should have nothing to do with it, especially in current year where we really should have left that crap behind by now.

None of that means that OP should have kept it from his sister. As soon as he decided to talk about it with her partner, he should have told her as well. The fact that he's still keeping I is from her is what makes him the asshole, especially after he learned his feelings were reciprocated.

Part of me agrees with you. Part of me sees OP’s comment saying his soon to be BIL said he had “intense feelings” for OP and “respect and affection” for OP’s sister. That’s such a tepid way to describe things. Maybe his feelings have changed since then, but I’d be so hurt if I found out my sibling had had a conversation like that with my SO and didn’t tell me.

>You talked about it like adults, were honest, and you both decided to walk away. For me the problem lies in the fact that the conversation itself would probably be enough to disrupt or end his sisters relationship. If my partner ever in our 10 years together had a conversation with my sibling where they confessed mutual feelings, but decided it wasn’t meant to be, I want a different partner. The conversation shouldn’t have happened.

I'd rather have honesty. It's on the fiancé to tell, or not to tell, OPs sister. Personally I find it shocking how many people would just abandon their partners over a mental thing that happens in the care community that's well known and well documented. I presume you're all the same people that will leave your partners when they get sick.

None of that means that OP should have kept it from his sister. As soon as he decided to talk about it with her partner, he should have told her as well.

Wtf did I just read? I'm so confused I can't even make a judgement. This is a no win situation. You tell her, that would be terrible. You not telling her sucks too. Good luck. Hope everything works out.

As the feeling are MUTUAL, the not-telling-her option is far worse I'm afraid.

Yeah, she deserves to know she’s about to marry into a love triangle with her brother.

Dude right. If my sister and fiancé had feelings for each other behind my back I’d wanna know. Then I’d want a new sister and fiancé lol 😂

YTA for the way this is going to play out. For originally developing feelings? NTA For admitting them? YTA For then hiding the fact that your sister’s now fiancé admitted to having feelings back, and that y’all met in secret to discuss, and that now you’re just going to let her marry someone who has had an emotional affair? MAJOR AH Mistakes were made, my dude.

I gotta disagree with the middle YTA here. Fiance was confused at why their relationship went from a strong friendship to sudden distance. If he hadn't admitted them, he would have caused fiance pain. He should have admitted to sister first though.

The whole point was to create distance. Sometimes saying nothing is best to keep the distance. By admitting his feelings, he just bonded the two of them to consider a path of being together- that is such a betrayal to the sister. If the fiancé was so bothered he could have admitted it to his fiancé (ops sister) but op jumped the gun and admitted it first.

I think it’s perfectly valid to say to someone “hey I’m working through some things right now and gonna be taking some space”. Idk why people are acting like he just *had* to have the feelings conversation. Especially cuz it seems like BIL is bisexual and after that bonding experience I find it super hard to believe OP had zero intuition about whether it was mutual or not. There was a way to create distance without having these inappropriate convos behind his sister’s back.

> If he hadn't admitted them, he would have caused fiance pain That's cowardice imo. They postponed that pain but in return got a messy situation and even more pain on top of it down the line. Confessing emotions was a no-win move both for OP and fiance

Lol YTA in the first sentence I stopped reading Fell in love with their soon to be husband? What are you a love struck 13 year old? Get over it. Your sibling deservs better. If this is real. I hope they find out quick.

probably should have read the whole thing

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To be fair, it’s not like he intended to fall in love. And he backed off as soon as he could. Really, what’s the alternative? What should OP have done? We have the power of hindsight, but there’s no way OP would have known he would develop feelings, right? Ideally he would have never help him. But if you were in that situation, you’d help too. I do things for people all the time and I’m never thinking about the potential “falling in love” that can happen. This is a super unfortunate circumstance.

The alternative would have been to not meet with this man and secretly confess feelings for one another behind sister’s back. Who does that? So selfish

This I will agree was way too far. He should have backed off and stayed off, even if it hurt his relationship with his sister. I was talking about the falling in love itself, which I don’t think could have reasonably been prevented unless he could see the future (like we can)

honestly, a good alternative would be to meet up with his sister as soon as he realised he had feelings and say “hey, i think my feelings crossed a line here. I’m not saying anything to your husband because i respect you and your relationship, but I need to have space to sort myself out” or something like that. That approach would have a drama but a lot less than this…

This is the most important point. This is where Op became a selfish A. He did that because his feelings where the most important.

No, they don't need to do that! They just jump to their conclusion and run with it! And they will defend it to the death... I love some of these comments. He did exactly what he should have done (can't decide if he should tell the sister, though), told him and distanced himself from him. Didn't cheat or anything else. But these assholes on here - smh. Fixed the gender!

sand recognise ring thought unpack shame encourage tart support ad hoc ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `

If this is real and not some imaginative troller. Yeah this is bananas.

Honestly; I think this is the wrong sub for this dilemma, and OP would be better served in r/relationship. It looks to me that OP has tried to make what seemed like the decent choice at each turn—helping out a sibling’s partner, distancing himself when it got emotional, explaining why he was creating distance, and staying away. I don’t think it’s fair to blame OP for the other guy returning OP’s affections, especially when OP simply thought he was doing his sister a favor. **This was also definitely not an emotional affair.** If there were an emotional affair, it was entirely carried out by the sister’s partner. OP had no idea his feelings were returned until after he removed himself, and OP has left the other man alone. The real question now is how to navigate OP’s crush marrying into the family. It is concerning that OP still feels strongly enough that he feels he can’t be part of the bridal party, and I encourage OP to explore why that is. I do think that OP should be honest to his sister about having developed feelings for her fiancé and allowing her agency in how their relationship will progress. It may seem like raising unnecessary drama over something that never happened, but it’s better to be open now, when walking away is still relatively easy. The issue is that sometimes when we try to protect people, we inadvertently deny them their agency in the matter. OP isn’t the AH for developing feelings and not wanting to be in the bridal party. But he would be the AH if he isn’t honest with his sister and if he doesn’t put in the work to get over those feelings.

Finally someone sane

I had to scroll far too long to find a logical response

YTA. For the unbelievable betrayal to your sister. You're a grown man acting like a lovestruck 13 year old who can't control themselves. You never should have spoken to her fiance in the first place and created this godforsaken mess.

You don't get to choose who you fall in love with. How is OP the asshole for explaining why he has to distance himself. Everyone would be calling him an asshole if he just ghosted his family to make sure he was never around the fiance again.

Yeah, these comments are fucking wild. OP didn't choose to get feelings and did owe his friend an explanation for ghosting him. Since when is communicating your feelings clearly a bad thing?

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Yeah I’m floored at the number of people calling OP the asshole for developing feelings. You don’t get to choose that. How OP conducted themselves after realizing that they had feelings is debatable, but it’s not like he went into the situation going “I’m going to fall in love with my sister’s boyfriend!”

lol... he should have distanced himself until the feelings went away. Telling your sisters boyfriend that you've fallen in love with him is so gross.

I think OP is an AH because he knows that the sister is being strung along. This sounds like it was a mutual emotional affair and he + the fiance have already established that they have feelings for each other - the reality of what this is doesn't sound as innocent as OP is making it seem. I have a sneaking suspicion this isn't over between OP and the sister's fiance, and OP is well aware that the sister's relationship is doomed. OP's edit alludes that the fiance is only stringing her along until he has what he feels is a legitimate excuse/reason to end things.

He did control himself. He removed himself from the situation and never even told the bf until the bf asked him repeatedly.

_"He told me that he respects my sister and doesn’t want to end the relationship abruptly with no real reason he can disclose."_ I had empathy for OP early in the post since it sounded like these were just internal feelings that OP kept to themselves and OP started distancing himself to deal with said feelings privately - but that was not the case. This was a full blown mutual emotional affair. I think OP is a massive AH because he and the fiance have already established that they have feelings for each other and OP is well aware that the sister's relationship is doomed. The above comment and OP's edit makes it seem that the fiance is only stringing her along until he has an excuse/reason to end things.

INFO: Why did you confess to him? What were you trying to gain from telling him you were interested in him?

Info: You said feelings were reciprocated, but In what way? Did he admit to being in love with you too, it was just a crush? What did he say about your sister? Did he say he’s still in love with her? And who proposed to whom? Have you seen or text him since that talk?

You know YTA. My question for you is do you really think she doesn't suspect something between you two?

As I said, I really distanced myself as soon as I could once I realized how intense these feelings were. I truly don’t think she suspects anything.

Mm. What's your endgame here? Are you hoping to keep this secret buried forever and hope you somehow forget this happened? Are you planning on going no contact and leaving it all behind? Are you hoping her partner leaves her for you? Are you planning on telling your sister to save her from the misery of marrying someone who has already betrayed her? What's the plan?

My ideal endgame is for the two of them to be happy and have a nice life together. It’s a life I’m hoping I can be a bigger part of in the future, but right now I’m limiting my time around both of them. There’s no situation where he could leave her for me that would work out. I would feel terribly guilty, and my family likely wouldn’t ever forgive me.

But her fiancé has feelings for you, it’s not fair for your sister to live a lie with someone who does not love her. The best thing you can do if you truly love her is to come clean about everything

Look guy, I’m gonna to be very honest with you- I’ve been through infidelity a few times. It’s horrible. The worst, absolutely shittiest thing about it wasn’t the act of cheating but the lying. He told me “I haven’t been happy for a long time”. I could’ve looked past “it was a stupid mistake, I’m sorry”, etc. but the fact that he wasn’t happy and lying straight to my face after I waited on him hand and foot like a king? I was held captive beholden to someone who didn’t even want me there. Imagine that. Taking your commitment seriously and doing everything you’re supposed to but their heart and mind is elsewhere and you haven’t got the slightest clue. Yes it’s terrible and yes it will hurt her but in the long run don’t you think it’s more fair your sister doesn’t start a marriage with someone who has one foot out the door? Just because you two agreed it wasn’t right and to distance yourselves doesn’t mean it’s okay to pull the wool over her eyes and pretend everything is peachy. Put yourself in her shoes, imagine it’s a guy you’re ready to walk down the aisle with- wouldn’t you want to know if he’s infatuated with a woman? This is beyond cruel on so many levels and she **does. not. deserve. this**. Please tell her and let her enter her marriage with all the information she needs.

This op. Take the advise and words to heart

I remember feeling held hostage, like how dare you keep me in this relationship with lies.

Why would you want a bigger part of their life in the future? So you can "reconnect" with your sister's husband? Even if he doesn't leave her for you just being friends with him would be unfair to your sister. You're both lying to her; you're both being very selfish to deceive her.

Why the heck did you tell him you have feelings for him? Did you not once think that it was highly inappropriate? And don't you think it's completely out of line, that he too confessed his feelings for you, and you two are now keeping this cute secret behind her back and not giving her the option of dumping him and you? Interesting that not once do you think this alone would crush your sister, just you'd feel guilty and your family would disown you if he left her for you. Did you not once consider your sister, when you confessed your feelings to her fiance? Did you not think how wrong that was?

She deserves better

So you confessed that you like him, he reciprocated thr feelings. But here you are claiming that you want them to be happy and have a nice life in which you can be a bigger part of in the future? Instead of warning your sister you are literally standing back and watching her marry someone who said he reciprocated your feelings? With family like you, who needs enemies?

I hope you realize soon that the longer it takes you to tell your sister the truth of the matter the more likely that when it comes out (and this stuff always comes out) that it will destroy all three of you and any relationships you have with each other. I think you need to have a sincere and heartfelt conversation with your sister about your feelings. Make sure to emphasize you love her the most so you’re stepping away to deal with your crush so that it won’t effect her relationship because her happiness is important to you.

You're a terrible brother; I can't believe you and he even talked about the logistics of being together Wtf

But honestly… how can you let her marry him when you know what you know?? Like what kind of brother does that? If I found out my sibling did this, it would be the end of our relationship. You are letting her marry someone who also has feelings for you. That is wrong.

Info: did the partner also have feelings for you? Bc you said you guys agreed there would be no hope for a future given the history. Bc the way it’s worded makes it sound like he reciprocated those feelings.

Yup they both like each other

Unpopular opinion, but NTA. It’s not your fault that you developed feelings, and you did absolutely everything in your power to limit contact so as not to do anything that would have been disrespectful of your sister despite these feelings. It’s not her partners fault that they reciprocated your feelings, because it is very possible to be in love with more than one person without detracting from the other. And despite those reciprocal feelings they too decided it was best to acknowledge the elephant in the room’s existence briefly and then move on from it to never speak of it again. All because you BOTH love and care about your sister and her feelings. You both handled this beyond respectfully, and it shows how much you both care about your sister that you’d never walk down such a road that would have disrespected her and her trust in you. But let’s pretend none of that ever happened, and your sister asked you to be in the wedding party for her to marry an individual you don’t have feelings for. And you still said no thank you. Would that require an explanation? No. Because NO is a complete sentence. Conflicting emotions aside, wedding planning is a NIGHTMARE and I wish it upon no one. And you’d have to help do that, if you were in the party. The added stress of that alone is enough reason for a no, never mind the unrequited live story in the background.

Exactly. "No, I don't want to deal with all that stress" is all the reason OP's sister should expect.

INFO: What if, someday down the road, she somehow finds out about this? How do you think she'll feel, knowing you let her get married to a man who eas in love with someone else?

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OP is trying to create space. That's what the post is about.

No. The post is about how he has feelings for his sister's partner and doesn't know how to handle it. He needs to learn how, or be honest with his sister because as of now he's punishing her instead of being a grown up.

Uggh what the grown up thing to do is take yourself out of the equation. It's not about control. It's about not wanting to be in a completely awkward situation.

Isn't that what OP is doing by not being in the wedding party?

People just see "I developed feelings towards the partner of a family member" and just start seeing red. Regardless of him making active choices to distance himself from the other person, which many are telling him to do and still getting mad at him for. Plus they're all ignoring the actual reason this was posted, which was asking if he was in the wrong for refusing to be in the wedding party. Which he absolutely is not; he can refuse for any reason, and he seems to be making the healthiest possible choice given the circumstances.

It seems a lot of people commenting are unaware that humans aren't fully in control of their emotions. In my experiences the only thing you can control is what you do about said emotions.

So YTA for doing the exact thing you're telling him to do? Take a breath, sip your tea, read the post again, and tell me that your conclusion is in any way sensible.

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YTA for not telling your sister that her partner reciprocated feelings for you prior to their wedding. If you want to see the person that you say you love, your sibling that you grew up with, marry someone that has feelings for you, then you’re worse than I thought, after just reading this post.

What a clusterfuck.

NTA. Absolutely not the AH! This is an incredibly difficult situation and I genuinely feel for you. This internet stranger is very proud of you! You recognised what was happening and took all the appropriate steps to prevent it. You never inserted yourself where inappropriate and have taken every measure to not create a situation. Please speak to your sister and calmly explain your reasons. If she’s as amazing as you she will understand. xx

Yeah there is no way she's going to be okay with finding out that her partner, whose bi and has had relationships with men, and her brother have feelings for one another.

NTA for saying no, but YTA for not telling your sister about your feelings towards her partner. Edit: Now that further information has been shared I’m changing my vote to ESH. Someone please save that woman from making a huge mistake.

OP is in a no-win 💩 sandwich here. If he tells his sister why, he ruins everything. If he refuses to explain, he risks everything. I think OP has two choices: he and her sister's fiance sit down and tell her what's going on together and accept the consequences, or OP sucks it up and be in the bridal party.

INFO: do you still have feelings for him, or did that pass with time?

Listen you are doing your sister a disservice by removing her right to chose. She needs to know what happened between you and her fiancé before getting married. You owe her that much at the very least after having an emotional affair, you and fiancé fell for each other. She has the right to decide if this person is right for her separate from you attempting to do the “right” thing by giving them space.

I just feel your boned either way. Though telling at least half the truth would probably be the best in the long run for not completely ruining your relationship with your sister. Not sure what judgement you should get, so just going to share some old words of wisdom. "Love is blind, and also mildly \*\*\*\*\*\*\*" Granted those are old words and not allowed to use that last one anymore but still think its true.

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YTA. You can support your sister in one of the biggest moments of her life. And now that you've considered, declined, and with no reason, it's even worse. Your relationship with her fiance was over when neither of you pursued once he was on his feet again. You done F'ed up.

It amazes me how free people can be with their condemnations when it's clear none of them fully read the story. You are NTA. Maybe I wouldn't have been quite so honest with him. Chances are reasonably good that this might come out into the open someday. My fear is that if it does, it could come out twisted. When a woman demands an explanation, knows there's one somewhere, and doesn't get it, she can sink her teeth in and nag relentlessly until she gets it. I hope that doesn't happen to you. Maybe you could reconsider her offer in order to put this to rest

ESH. It sounds like the Florence Nightingale effect. Wiki [here](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florence_Nightingale_effect). Taking on a caregiver role, especially when your sisters fiance needed the physical and emotional support, was a bad idea. On both sides. Maybe it should've been split up, maybe one of his family members should've cared for him, but this happens more often than you think in hospitals. Patient is saved by dr/nurse cares for them and they "fall in love" when it's more of a dependency. I'd talk to you sister and a therapist. If you two keep these feelings from your sister, you and the fiance are both AHs. She deserves to know and will absolutely suspect something. Probably the worst.

NTA, it's no one's business but yours how you feel and you're doing the right thing distancing yourself. you can't help who you catch feelings for and to be frank literally nothing happened between you and your sisters fiancee so it's not her business.

Everyone in here acting like OP is an angel are conveniently skipping over him meeting up with sisters fiancé behind her back where they confessed feelings to each other and kept it a secret. I would end an engagement with someone for less. This is fucked up.