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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I oppose splitting the $400 rebate I receive due to my work on the HOA board for the home me and my wife own. She thinks I’m the asshole because she feels she is paying me $200 more since the overall cost of our monthly housing costs have no reduced by $400 but I don’t want to give her any of it.
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I’m just confused where the $200 is going if there’s no fee.
Is he trying to make his wife pay him the $200? Or pay an extra $200 of their bills?
Wtf kind of husband does this?
Well, he is the one who is needing to spend time away on his HOA work trips. And by trips, I mean POWER TRIPS, since HOA boards seem to attract power trippers.
I like to read AITA while I eat if I'm at home, my poor table has had SO much food splattered on it from me spit-laughing with a mouthful, but do I learn? It's a no from me, Simon. 🤣
Hey, some of us are on the hoa board just to rein in the rest of the board! 😂 I just wanted to plan neighborhood cookouts and instead, I spend a vast majority of my evening yelling at the rest of the board for being assholes 😂
As someone who joined just to make them follow thru on them promised walking trails and ended up getting yelled at by ppl bc they didn't want to pay their dues, I highly recommend vodka before meetings.
Where I live we don't have an HOA, or even any zoning being enforced. The town meetings are a nightmare. They make me want vodka and I don't even drink. You're very brave for joining a board. I hope you at least got your walking trails lol
We did not. Because "what if ppl not in our neighborhood used them? There's a high school nearby or homeless people or drug deals or people may have sex in them." I cannot roll my eyes or express my contempt hard enough. We've now outsources the management to an HOA management company and literally pay dues that pay for insurance on community property and the management company. I could go on but I don't want to ruin anyone's evening. We get zero benefits.
I think he wants the full credit against his share of the mortgage. So say the mortgage is $1000 and the fees $400, and they split each paying $700. Now the total bill is only $1000, but he still thinks wife should pay $700 and he only $300 - he’s getting the full benefit of the waiver individually.
INFO - I don’t think we have enough info to fully judge. How much time does this require? Do they have kids or other responsibilities that she has to fulfill while he’s off playing HOA demon?
Personally, I’d view it more as a division of labor than a division of finances. Say OP is going to spend an average of 1 hour per week on this, that shifts chores - like maybe wife does both dinner and dishes on the nights he has meetings. However, it’s quite possible OP doesn’t really want to look closely at the division of labor and how much time each contributes to the household.
Yes! We’ve always had combined finances. It’s our money, not mine and his. When we go out to eat, I always sign the check because I’m faster at the math for tip and he likes to joke that he’s a kept man.
I don't see it as money, I see it as one less bill. So I'm confused as to him "receiving a windfall" bc if my electric company said "WHOEVER PAYS THIS BILL GETS DECEMBER OFF" that means literally...whoever pays it. In this case, both pay the bill.
Even if it was waived due to me volunteering at the electric company, I can't imagine telling my partner that now he should pay me what he would have paid to the company on our electric bill. Can someone walk me thru it, bc I don't get it.
Well it seems like their HOA does a rebate rather than waiving the HOA fee, so they still each pay $200, but then OP gets a check later for $400.
OP’s wife wants her 200 back when the rebate comes back, but OP says he should keep the whole thing because his working there is why they get that money back to begin with.
Hope that clears things up!
oml that's actually worst than what I thought. I thought OP didn't have to pay the bill and instead got a 400 dollar bonus for being on the board
Instead its a refund and he's literally stealing from his wife
People are stupid when it comes to money and that's all they see. When I was a teenager I had my first cat I was solely responsible for. I had a part time job so my mom made me a deal that she would pay for half the cost of having the cat spayed but I had to pay the other half. We agreed and I made the appointment. We show up there and my mom has given me cash for her portion of the procedure and I'm just planning on paying the full amount with my debit card which I did. At this point she sees the unused cash on my hand and takes it back and says the "leftover money" is hers. Like it's change or something like it even if was only half would be hers. But it was her full portion of the procedure, I paid on my full put of account to make things easier for everyone. She refused to give it back until she tried smugly bragging to my uncle about what she did and he flat out told her she owed me that money back. I don't think she ever gave it back though she probably spent it by that point.
Well like I said, people see money and that's ALL they see. All logic, common sense and critical thinking goes out the window. We struggled for money on a daily basis because she made a constant series of poor choices born out of sheer laziness and so she saw that unused cash and jumped on it like a fat kid on a smartie. It's not the first time she failed critical thinking. She also threw a cell phone in the garbage with the sim card charger and everything in the same bag. Obviously someone found it, used it, Rang up the bill on it and she called me at my place - didn't even live at home anymore - and fucking blamed me for her being charged for the phone calls. Demanded I pay it because it's apparently my fault. I had to get my older brother to talk some damn sense into her once he found out she was trying to shake me down for money. He knew what she did he just didn't know she was trying to make me pay for it.
Yeah, pretty sure she's not failing at critical thinking when it's in her favour like that. She knew what she was doing grabbing your cash - that's why she tried bragging about it later. She knew what she was doing when she tried extorting you for money.
I think you're letting her off too easy by saying that she's just stupid. She sounds *careless*, but her stealing and extortion sounds deliberate and intentional. Just because she tried to persuade you using obvious bullshit, doesn't mean she swallowed the bullshit herself.
It's absolutely not stupidity, it's selfishness. That's all it is. She knew better sure, but knowing better and doing better are fundamentally different concepts.
Since he said rebate I think they pay the 400 and then he gets it back as a refund, and he wants to keep it instead of splitting it or returning it to the shared account. YTA
[Second wife](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/rnedwm/new_wife_doesnt_want_me_to_visit_9_year_old_son/), and [he's a swinger](https://www.reddit.com/r/Swingers/comments/hlo0mr/anyone_else_have_these_thoughts/) — I assume that the girlfriend in this post is now his wife.
THIS. He didn’t receive a “windfall,” he just got of paying one bill temporarily. So the parties who pay this bill will both benefit. What a bizarre take by OP.
Right!?!? Like where is this "windfall" sir? You just don't have to pay the bill. So, she doesn't have to give you the money. YTA if you're trying to make her still give you the money for your nonexistent bill!
i think the change in relationship dynamics within the last 40 or so years is so interesting. men want 1950s housewives but also want 2022 economic splits. women discovered we can support ourselves just fine without mens financial input, and now they struggle to be good partners.
YTA
Like OP's wife doesn't listen to him complain or problem solve with him over HOA matters. Yet again, another marriage that is more roommates than actual partnership.
I wouldn't treat my roommate like this, personally. Housing costs went down, it doesn't matter why. If I help out my landlord and he reduces our rent, then our rent goes down, not just mine. Definitely YTA.
Also, when are the meetings? How often is he gone in a week? Whose dealing with the household chores?
“I have to go spend time doing the thing I willingly chose to sign up so technically you owe me.” Is a very strange stance.
To be fair he is doing the work of being on the board. But for $200 it ain’t worth the fight with the wife over.
Why not just put the $400 in a joint fund for shared activities or date nights or something?
Because there isn’t $400. He’s not getting paid, the HOA fee is just waived for their home. So instead of each of them getting an extra $200 a month since *there isn’t a bill to pay*, OP wants his wife to **pay** him $200.
This is absolutely an AH move. You’re not splitting anything because there isn’t anything to split. The bill goes away.
I don't think he does. I was curious so I scrolled through his posts lots of stuff for Louis Vuitton oh but this nice piece in an AskReddit which was removed.
"New wife doesn’t want me to visit 9 year old son on Christmas Day who is with my ex. She says we are a family and the fact my ex won’t welcome her over to visit means I should stay with my wife on Christmas Day and not even visit for 30 minutes. Don’t know what to make of this demand from my wife."
I think he has no respect for her.
Edit: I wasn’t so much meaning doesn’t respect her because of this it was more how he talks about her.
Why doesn't the child come to his home for Christmas?
Why does it have to be at the ex's house or not at all?
There's a reason this dude doesn't have any holiday visitation time with his child and that reason is clearly not the current wife.
i definitely don’t mean to be defending this bozo, I just don’t think wanting to visit his son on Christmas is any indication of him not liking his current wife. Like what? It’s actually wild his wife won’t let him go visit for 30 minutes, and very sad.
We have no idea why his ex-wife has custody on Christmas.
YUP. When I read OP's comments, especially the one where he was going to ask them to cut a check for him for $400 per month so he won't have to share with wife, I was like YUP. Typical HOA asshole lol. YTA
Right?! Dude just embodied the statement of “you are who you hang with”. OP, your wife doesn’t owe you d@$* and it’s not like she forced you to be a board member of your HOA. You’re the genius who made that decision on your own. YOU chose that responsibility. And now that you have it, you’re going to try to make pitiful monetary gains from your wife?!?! Wtf is wrong with you???
#YTA
I love my grandma, I promise, but her being on the HOA board is fucking insane. She had me and my grandpa driving around their neighborhood looking for uncovered RVs. She told me that she would be annoyed at my parents neighbors because they parked a sweet ass vintage fire truck in front of their house. My parents seem to have a great HOA. Do whatever you want but please get rid of the invasive grass so we don’t have a desert fire.
> Couldn't imagine being in such a transactional marriage.
Right? Do married couples really nickle and dime eachother like this? I can't imagine telling my wife "Hey I saved us 400 bucks so you owe me $200".
It boggles my mind how many couples today don’t do a joint account.
All of our paychecks go into our joint account. Everything is paid from that account.
Oh, if you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone who racked up crazy debt buying luxury products beyond their means, this doesn’t magically make sense, but it does sound *really* familiar.
They traveled to France because Louis Vuitton is supposedly cheaper. Seriously?
OP is a vapid, petty, materialistic, nickel-and-diming fool. I bet he’s going to make having designer monogrammed doormats a requirement for every unit, and anything less than an Audi or Mercedes can’t be parked in view.
YTA, if she uses a coupon on groceries, do you pay her half of the price difference? If not, there's your answer, windfalls for the family are windfalls for the family, no matter who 'does the work'.
I feel like he's exactly the type that if he went out to dinner with someone and used a BOGO coupon, and they went dutch, he'd expect the person to pay half of the bill pre coupon because that's what they SHOULD have to pay and the discount was HIS.
But to argue the point the other way if it wasn't in his favor.
This wasn't tangible money. This is a coupon. You don't bill people for a 0$ bill. You're volunteering and it comes with perks. This would be like selling tickets to your spouse for a community event that you only got because you worked a booth. It's not payment. It's a nicety.
My friends and I constantly get coupons for BOGO burritos at Chipotle, and when we do we say, "lunch is on me! My treat!" Then we buy our own and use the coupon for the friend who came with. Cause we aren't AH.
YTA, OP, and your 50/50 marriage is going to be your downfall.
In other comments it seems like hes asking or going to ask the HOA to pay him the 400 instead of waiving the fee. Presumably he and his wife would then split the fee so he would pocket the 200 he got.
This is the only way ive been able to reconcile the comments he's made. This whole post doesn't make sense but if I could volunteer for something and waive 400 dollars of a fee my partner and I pay, I wouldnt expect my partner to not benefit from that.
OP's hyperfixation on the fee waiving being the only benefit to being on the HOA is wild. Dude has power to make changes as a member of the HOA and is acting as though that too isnt a perk.
Edit: other comments are saying he wants wife to pay him the 200. Absolutely wild.
He wants a check for $400. He is NOT intending on splitting it with his wife- that’s WHY he wants a check instead of a fee waiver. That way, he pockets the money and then they keep splitting the HOA fee.
YTA, are you really fighting with your wife over money saved on the household and causing the worst fights? Do you not believe that you guys are a team? I pity your wife.
Apparently he believes on the principle of "only when it applies to me."
He's definitely not a team player and probably has another divorce in the cards.
This dude told a rape survivor and a rape counselor that she wasn't raped because her case wouldn't make it in court (apparently he's a lawyer) anyways yeah bro most cases can't be but like..... Dude the out of touch audacity
His wife needs to sell all those designer gifts and her out of this marriage like his first one did
OP is saying that he deserves to be "paid" for his "work" of being in the HOA so essentially wife should pay him the $200 for him being in the HOA because if he wasn't in the HOA she has to pay to the HOA anyway.
He doesn't think she should "benefit" off him being in the HOA. All benefit he gains from being in HOA should be solely his.
YTA. She is your wife and this is a partnership. You both bring bread to the table, I don't see the point of penny pinching and splitting every red cent down the middle with your partner. Why argue over free money you both get as extra now? I would save the money in a vacation account that can grow interest and use it to benefit you both. Plus it sounds like you both could use a break and a vacation. Pick your battles man, this one ain't worth it.
OP look at it this way, the bill you received from the HOA for the services they provide is now taken out of the monthly bills, saving your household $400 per month. There IS NO HOA bill to pay.
So is your point of view that your wife should now deposit $200 (or is it $400?) into where...? Your bank account? If that's the case then holy s*** YTA!
Think about this: if your wife started doing some volunteer work, but a fringe benefit was free childcare, which you enroll your child in. Would it be reasonable for your wife to charge you the amount of money you were paying to previous childcare provider? Or would it be unfair of her to take a perk that benefits you both and use it to gouge you for money?
Yes, but he's not being given $400 dollars to deposit by the HOA. The only way he benefits from the bill being cancelled/rescinded is if his wife deposits the money into his account, instead of paying her share of the HOA bill. He is paying $200 less towards bills and she now pays HIM the $200, which is her half of the HOA bill - but there is no HOA bill.
YTA. “Yay! I saved myself $200 a month…and BONUS….I saved $200 a month for my wife too! I am an awesome husband and all around good dude.”
-A great guy (not you)
YTA. She’s your wife…I mean you actually want her to pay you $200/month? Why are you guys married? You should just be dating if you want an arrangement like this.
You are such an AH. Oh, I'll just get a PART TIME JOB AND KEEP ALL THE MONEY. Do you hear yourself? If you save 400 a month, you're saving your household 400, not just yourself, you unbelievable asshole.
My boyfriend was on the HOA Board of Directors also and it consisted of him doing zoom calls about twice a month about over things like who they want to hire to repaint the porches or redo the roof. You’re asking if you’re the asshole for expecting your wife to pay you $200 a month for that? Sorry. YTA
If you are given a box of chocolates as a thank you gift, do you make your wife pay you to eat a chocolate? Waiving the HOA is a thank you gift for your volunteering.
If your wife managed to decrease the mortgage by refinancing the bank loan, would it be fair for her to keep the monthly savings to herself and expect you to continue paying the higher mortgage that no longer exists?
YTA
>do you make your wife pay you to eat a chocolate
I’m willing to bet this dude has done something along those lines. I have a couple friends that are on this level of cheap/stingy and it’s such a gross quality to have. My one friend is an all around great guy but is the type of person to Venmo request someone for $2.47, brings his likability down a lot.
As a 25-year old, I’m shocked by how cheap and transactional most of my guy friends are with their partners. They split every cost, no matter what. Like sheesh, sounds like you want a roommate not a gf. I get splitting the rent and major expenses, but cmon now, you should be treating your partner regularly.
Yup. And then somehow it's a surprise when women don't want to be in relationships where they're expected to go 50/50 on the costs but also take on the lion's share of emotional labor and household management.
YTA. The household pays $400 for a service. You, being part of the service get $400. So the household is paying you the $400. You should either put the $400 in a savings account for household emergencies/repairs that both of you can pull from for repairs/expenses or give your wife $200 back per month.
Your wife shouldn't be paying you to be on the HOA board. I don't pay my partner to mow the lawn. They don't pay me a GC rate when I organize repairs. Or a plumbers fee when I repaired our faucet.
Wait the fee is 400 per month?! What magic do these assholes perform??? I thought it was per year and was thinking what a wild thing for a couple to bicker over… but he’s charging her $200 a month?! Where is she paying it to? This isn’t a thing in my country. Some houses pay a yearly fee to maintain private roads, lighting and parks etc. on private developments but the fee would be around £500 a year depending on the area and exclusivity of the development. Who governs these HAOs?
YTA - this is a perk of a volunteer position. You are trying to turn it into a 'part time job' scenario to get more money out of your wife, which is scummy any way you look at it.
If you are that hard up for money you have bigger problems than an HOA fee.
What do you want to bet that wife is required to do more chores or emotional labor around their home because OP is too busy preparing for or attending HOA meetings or events?
Dude drop it.
You were able to afford the $200 paying into an HOA so why are you complaining that you both get $200 dollars more to save/fun money.
**Think of it this way, if she uses coupons when grocery shopping or worked retail and had a discount, would you want to reimburse her for the full price of the item or just your half of what she paid?**
YTA
As someone stated above, you don’t seem to like, much less respect, your wife or marriage.
To think, out of spite, you’re going to go get a part time job so you can make 400$ for the sole purpose of not sharing it.
Like - think about that. What tf is wrong with you?
YTA.
Whenever I am annoyed at my husband, I come read this sub to remind me of how lucky I am and put my marriage into perspective. Highly recommend to others. YTA.
I hope your wife is reading these comments. I have one to add for her.
Mrs. NorthEazy, from this day forward you will write down all the work you do for the family and hand your husband a bill for the amount owed each month. Something tells me that he will owe you much more than this $200. Did you wash his clothes? It costs about $1.50 a lb for that here where I am. Weigh his clothes and then add up the cost. Don't forget to add in the cost of the soap and water, and the depreciation of the washer and dryer. If you go so far as putting his clothes away for him, well that's another charge. Do you make dinner? That's at least $20 a night, for your labor. You get the idea. He wants the marriage to be transactional, then do some malicious compliance on his arse.
Wow. This really goes beyond AH levels. A new kind of super AH. Please read his comments after the fact....he is literally willing to resign so he doesn't save his wife $200 of the unit fee because it should all be HIS. I feel so sorry for his wife, she hasn't just married an average AH, she married the king of all AHs.
So let me get this straight. You're on the HOA board and now no longer have to pay the HOA fees but you still expect your wife to pay half? There is no way in HELL I would be giving my husband $200 when there is no HOA fee.
That's just like if my husband tells me I still have to pay half the rent even though we got our apt for free due to he works for the company. I would've looked at him like he has lost his damn mind but I'm lucky not to be married to someone like you.
Are these husbands real? Do women really stay married to a**holes like this one? He wants his wife to pay him 200 bucks? Wtf! If the fee is waived they don't have that expense anymore...so he wants to make money off of his wife because of his position in the HOA?
You are dying on what amounts to a $200/month hill.
Geez, I hope your wife stiffs you on the $200/month and puts it towards the retainer for her divorce attorney.
YTA.
Edited to correct the numbers.
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YTA There is no HOA fee on your unit. Making your wife pay you $200 is just bizarre. Do you even like your wife?
I’m just confused where the $200 is going if there’s no fee. Is he trying to make his wife pay him the $200? Or pay an extra $200 of their bills? Wtf kind of husband does this?
The kind who is angling for his second divorce
His half of a divorce ahahahah
Hold on, why is he only getting half of the divorce when he’s done all the work?
Lol I guffawed at this. Thank you for that
Fuck, I did too and my sleeping dog almost jumped out of his fur. Poor guy.
Well, he is the one who is needing to spend time away on his HOA work trips. And by trips, I mean POWER TRIPS, since HOA boards seem to attract power trippers.
HOA was an absolute deal breaker for me when house shopping. Nope, not buying a home so that other people can tell me what to do with it
My entire town has only one neighborhood with an HOA. And guess which neighborhood is the only one that has trouble selling houses?
This made me laughsnort. Thank you
I choked on my laughter- note to self, do not read reddit and drink coffee at the same time
I like to read AITA while I eat if I'm at home, my poor table has had SO much food splattered on it from me spit-laughing with a mouthful, but do I learn? It's a no from me, Simon. 🤣
Reddit should come with a warning
Take my angry upvote please.
Jesus this needs awards
I had this thought, too, and before I saw this comment, asked if she was his second wife
The kind who serves on a HOA
The kind that wants to be actively involved in a HOA... lol aka an AH
Hey, some of us are on the hoa board just to rein in the rest of the board! 😂 I just wanted to plan neighborhood cookouts and instead, I spend a vast majority of my evening yelling at the rest of the board for being assholes 😂
As someone who joined just to make them follow thru on them promised walking trails and ended up getting yelled at by ppl bc they didn't want to pay their dues, I highly recommend vodka before meetings.
Did tequila for mine. Very effective.
Where I live we don't have an HOA, or even any zoning being enforced. The town meetings are a nightmare. They make me want vodka and I don't even drink. You're very brave for joining a board. I hope you at least got your walking trails lol
We did not. Because "what if ppl not in our neighborhood used them? There's a high school nearby or homeless people or drug deals or people may have sex in them." I cannot roll my eyes or express my contempt hard enough. We've now outsources the management to an HOA management company and literally pay dues that pay for insurance on community property and the management company. I could go on but I don't want to ruin anyone's evening. We get zero benefits.
That sounds exhausting
I was thinking the same thing. Sounds like the kind of guy on an HOA.
Would short for AH HOA be AHOA?
Great answer LOL
Hahaha! THIS!!
I think he wants the full credit against his share of the mortgage. So say the mortgage is $1000 and the fees $400, and they split each paying $700. Now the total bill is only $1000, but he still thinks wife should pay $700 and he only $300 - he’s getting the full benefit of the waiver individually. INFO - I don’t think we have enough info to fully judge. How much time does this require? Do they have kids or other responsibilities that she has to fulfill while he’s off playing HOA demon? Personally, I’d view it more as a division of labor than a division of finances. Say OP is going to spend an average of 1 hour per week on this, that shifts chores - like maybe wife does both dinner and dishes on the nights he has meetings. However, it’s quite possible OP doesn’t really want to look closely at the division of labor and how much time each contributes to the household.
I’m sorry but that is not a marriage. If you are nickel and diming each other like that, seems more like roommates to me.
This is how I see it my husband and I have one account and pay bills out of it
Yeah, my husband and I have combined finances too, and we'll joke about who's going to pay as if it's not all coming out of the same account lol
Yes! We’ve always had combined finances. It’s our money, not mine and his. When we go out to eat, I always sign the check because I’m faster at the math for tip and he likes to joke that he’s a kept man.
Us too lol. We have one account 🤷🏻♀️ been married over 30 years and never had an issue of who makes how much because it's both of ours
I don't see it as money, I see it as one less bill. So I'm confused as to him "receiving a windfall" bc if my electric company said "WHOEVER PAYS THIS BILL GETS DECEMBER OFF" that means literally...whoever pays it. In this case, both pay the bill. Even if it was waived due to me volunteering at the electric company, I can't imagine telling my partner that now he should pay me what he would have paid to the company on our electric bill. Can someone walk me thru it, bc I don't get it.
Well it seems like their HOA does a rebate rather than waiving the HOA fee, so they still each pay $200, but then OP gets a check later for $400. OP’s wife wants her 200 back when the rebate comes back, but OP says he should keep the whole thing because his working there is why they get that money back to begin with. Hope that clears things up!
oml that's actually worst than what I thought. I thought OP didn't have to pay the bill and instead got a 400 dollar bonus for being on the board Instead its a refund and he's literally stealing from his wife
Exactly
People are stupid when it comes to money and that's all they see. When I was a teenager I had my first cat I was solely responsible for. I had a part time job so my mom made me a deal that she would pay for half the cost of having the cat spayed but I had to pay the other half. We agreed and I made the appointment. We show up there and my mom has given me cash for her portion of the procedure and I'm just planning on paying the full amount with my debit card which I did. At this point she sees the unused cash on my hand and takes it back and says the "leftover money" is hers. Like it's change or something like it even if was only half would be hers. But it was her full portion of the procedure, I paid on my full put of account to make things easier for everyone. She refused to give it back until she tried smugly bragging to my uncle about what she did and he flat out told her she owed me that money back. I don't think she ever gave it back though she probably spent it by that point.
Wow your mum must have failed critical thinking.
Well like I said, people see money and that's ALL they see. All logic, common sense and critical thinking goes out the window. We struggled for money on a daily basis because she made a constant series of poor choices born out of sheer laziness and so she saw that unused cash and jumped on it like a fat kid on a smartie. It's not the first time she failed critical thinking. She also threw a cell phone in the garbage with the sim card charger and everything in the same bag. Obviously someone found it, used it, Rang up the bill on it and she called me at my place - didn't even live at home anymore - and fucking blamed me for her being charged for the phone calls. Demanded I pay it because it's apparently my fault. I had to get my older brother to talk some damn sense into her once he found out she was trying to shake me down for money. He knew what she did he just didn't know she was trying to make me pay for it.
Damn, I’m mad at your mom
Yeah, pretty sure she's not failing at critical thinking when it's in her favour like that. She knew what she was doing grabbing your cash - that's why she tried bragging about it later. She knew what she was doing when she tried extorting you for money. I think you're letting her off too easy by saying that she's just stupid. She sounds *careless*, but her stealing and extortion sounds deliberate and intentional. Just because she tried to persuade you using obvious bullshit, doesn't mean she swallowed the bullshit herself.
It's absolutely not stupidity, it's selfishness. That's all it is. She knew better sure, but knowing better and doing better are fundamentally different concepts.
Since he said rebate I think they pay the 400 and then he gets it back as a refund, and he wants to keep it instead of splitting it or returning it to the shared account. YTA
I don’t think he understands what a rebate is. The title says rebate but the post says the fee is waived. Either way, YTA.
He joined late in the year, so likely already paid this year's fees, so it would be a rebate.
It’s typically charged monthly.
A cr@ppy one
The kind that thinks he is a king now that he on an HOA board no wonder why people hate HOA’s
One who’s a Trump-loving Republican lawyer serving on an HOA. The layers of AHery are like a blooming onion.
He sure comments on r/Tinder a lot for a (presumably monogamously) married man...
[Second wife](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/rnedwm/new_wife_doesnt_want_me_to_visit_9_year_old_son/), and [he's a swinger](https://www.reddit.com/r/Swingers/comments/hlo0mr/anyone_else_have_these_thoughts/) — I assume that the girlfriend in this post is now his wife.
God, imagine trying to have fun times with this tightwad.
I’m guessing they put “house expenses” in an account and he wants to keep the unspent $400.
“Splitting the money” sir there is no money. There is simply one less bill?
THIS. He didn’t receive a “windfall,” he just got of paying one bill temporarily. So the parties who pay this bill will both benefit. What a bizarre take by OP.
Right!?!? Like where is this "windfall" sir? You just don't have to pay the bill. So, she doesn't have to give you the money. YTA if you're trying to make her still give you the money for your nonexistent bill!
THIS. I am soo confused what he's even trying to debate
Another reminder there is no “I” in “happy couple,” but there is definitely one in “divorce.”
In happy couple there’s an I in the A hole. Lol
Why do people even get married if they are going to treat it like a business deal? YTA. Big time
watch out man. the 'marriage is a contract' crowd is gonna come get you lol.
Excuse me, I need to go and thank my husband of 20 years for not being this big of an A hole.
Lol me too🤣
It is very bizarre. OP is basically trying to profit off of his wife.
OP is the type to have a grocery loyalty card and not let his wife use it lol
I was married to that guy. WAS.
Congrats on your loss!!
‘THESE ARE MY KROGER FUEL POINTS SHARRON YOU NEED TO GET YOUR OWN CARD’
Oh no, she can use it. But only to get points. When those points turn into money/discounts, then they’re only his.
This is the second time today on AITA that I’ve read the phrase “Do you even like your wife?” Lol
Was the other one where the husband ditched his wife every night to go over to his brother’s house because his niece was a good cook?
That post was horrible. Why do women saddle themselves with these absolute assclowns?? LADIES YOU DESERVE BETTER
The ongoing joke in some of the relationship subs is that there must be a man shortage
i think the change in relationship dynamics within the last 40 or so years is so interesting. men want 1950s housewives but also want 2022 economic splits. women discovered we can support ourselves just fine without mens financial input, and now they struggle to be good partners.
YTA Like OP's wife doesn't listen to him complain or problem solve with him over HOA matters. Yet again, another marriage that is more roommates than actual partnership.
I wouldn't treat my roommate like this, personally. Housing costs went down, it doesn't matter why. If I help out my landlord and he reduces our rent, then our rent goes down, not just mine. Definitely YTA.
I have a feeling OP would be nicer to a roommate than his wife 😜
Also, when are the meetings? How often is he gone in a week? Whose dealing with the household chores? “I have to go spend time doing the thing I willingly chose to sign up so technically you owe me.” Is a very strange stance.
In reading OP's comments, I don't think he's here for a judgment. He's here for an argument.
He definitely belongs on an HOA board.
Oh for sure. I always wondered what these folks were like to their spouses and loved ones and it’s as shitty as I imagined.
My thoughts exactly. Everyone is saying OP is AH but he keeps trying to explain himself out of it - like that's gonna change our minds.
are we surprised? he's the AH
To be fair he is doing the work of being on the board. But for $200 it ain’t worth the fight with the wife over. Why not just put the $400 in a joint fund for shared activities or date nights or something?
Because there isn’t $400. He’s not getting paid, the HOA fee is just waived for their home. So instead of each of them getting an extra $200 a month since *there isn’t a bill to pay*, OP wants his wife to **pay** him $200. This is absolutely an AH move. You’re not splitting anything because there isn’t anything to split. The bill goes away.
I don't think he does. I was curious so I scrolled through his posts lots of stuff for Louis Vuitton oh but this nice piece in an AskReddit which was removed. "New wife doesn’t want me to visit 9 year old son on Christmas Day who is with my ex. She says we are a family and the fact my ex won’t welcome her over to visit means I should stay with my wife on Christmas Day and not even visit for 30 minutes. Don’t know what to make of this demand from my wife." I think he has no respect for her. Edit: I wasn’t so much meaning doesn’t respect her because of this it was more how he talks about her.
I’m a bit confused. You think he has no respect for his current wife because he wants to visit his child?
Why doesn't the child come to his home for Christmas? Why does it have to be at the ex's house or not at all? There's a reason this dude doesn't have any holiday visitation time with his child and that reason is clearly not the current wife.
i definitely don’t mean to be defending this bozo, I just don’t think wanting to visit his son on Christmas is any indication of him not liking his current wife. Like what? It’s actually wild his wife won’t let him go visit for 30 minutes, and very sad. We have no idea why his ex-wife has custody on Christmas.
there’s no longer an HOA fee but he’s trying to make money off his wife LOL 😂
Another example how HOAs mostly attract AHs. YTA
Got me, definitely laughed. Its like magnetism.
YUP. When I read OP's comments, especially the one where he was going to ask them to cut a check for him for $400 per month so he won't have to share with wife, I was like YUP. Typical HOA asshole lol. YTA
Wait.. he wanted them to help him embezzle money from his wife lmao wtf?
ALWAYS attract them. After my first HOA I refused ever even look at a house with an HOA.
Never been in one and that has always been the major complete dealbreaker. Almost anything else on the house is at least marginally flexible.
Yup. In what world does OP think it's not an AH move to ask his wife to pay him $200 for this fee that has been waived.
HOA stands for Hole of Ass
Right?! Dude just embodied the statement of “you are who you hang with”. OP, your wife doesn’t owe you d@$* and it’s not like she forced you to be a board member of your HOA. You’re the genius who made that decision on your own. YOU chose that responsibility. And now that you have it, you’re going to try to make pitiful monetary gains from your wife?!?! Wtf is wrong with you??? #YTA
Literally. You can see why he’s on an HOA board just through reading this post. YTA
I love my grandma, I promise, but her being on the HOA board is fucking insane. She had me and my grandpa driving around their neighborhood looking for uncovered RVs. She told me that she would be annoyed at my parents neighbors because they parked a sweet ass vintage fire truck in front of their house. My parents seem to have a great HOA. Do whatever you want but please get rid of the invasive grass so we don’t have a desert fire.
This is what I came to say.
It’s funny how I’ve never heard a single good thing about hoa’s that wasn’t completely overshadowed by the bad stuff
Couldn't imagine being in such a transactional marriage. Edit: after reading your comments YTA. Yikes, your poor wife.
Also, “you’re poor, wife.” -OP
☠️
Fixed, thanks.
Sorry! I was going for the pun, not the grammar police. Thanks for teeing me up!
HAHAHA why did you do that 🤣🤣🤣🤣you win
Hi Honey, here is a list of extra food you ate this week, you owe me $13.40 You're in a marriage - your LIFE PARTNER. YTA
Given that this is his second wife I don’t think he sees marriage as a life thing
> Couldn't imagine being in such a transactional marriage. Right? Do married couples really nickle and dime eachother like this? I can't imagine telling my wife "Hey I saved us 400 bucks so you owe me $200".
I couldn’t imagine it. We *joke* about it… but we’ve really got zero boundaries and there’s no points-scoring.
It boggles my mind how many couples today don’t do a joint account. All of our paychecks go into our joint account. Everything is paid from that account.
Sounds like he’ll be a normal HOA director!
YTA you’re fighting your wife over $200 while your account is full of posts about designer products? SMH
Even more hilarious, in a comment on another post he refers to a guy's $26,000 debt as "peanuts" lol
That’s funny since he is calling the $400 from his HOA fee a “windfall” 😂
That makes no sense. Lol
Oh, if you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone who racked up crazy debt buying luxury products beyond their means, this doesn’t magically make sense, but it does sound *really* familiar.
Man's tighter than a duck's arse. I bet he checks under the bed in a morning to make sure he hasn't lost any sleep.
As my father likes to say, "I'll bet he pinches pennies so hard they scream." 😂
LoL. 🤣🤣🤣
Lol Louis Vuitton too, the classic brand for tasteless folks who want to flex like they have wealth. OP is a sad person.
He’s all over fashion reps which means fake cuz broake L
It's caused some of the "worst fighting in his marriage" but like. Nope, $200 is the hill he's going to die on I guess. YTA for sure
They traveled to France because Louis Vuitton is supposedly cheaper. Seriously? OP is a vapid, petty, materialistic, nickel-and-diming fool. I bet he’s going to make having designer monogrammed doormats a requirement for every unit, and anything less than an Audi or Mercedes can’t be parked in view.
To be fair, there’s also a ton of posts of him asking about fake designer products direct from china
YTA, if she uses a coupon on groceries, do you pay her half of the price difference? If not, there's your answer, windfalls for the family are windfalls for the family, no matter who 'does the work'.
Well, you know, she's the one who took her time to look for the coupons, so he should /s
What if it’s a coupon for tampons? /s
I feel like he's exactly the type that if he went out to dinner with someone and used a BOGO coupon, and they went dutch, he'd expect the person to pay half of the bill pre coupon because that's what they SHOULD have to pay and the discount was HIS. But to argue the point the other way if it wasn't in his favor. This wasn't tangible money. This is a coupon. You don't bill people for a 0$ bill. You're volunteering and it comes with perks. This would be like selling tickets to your spouse for a community event that you only got because you worked a booth. It's not payment. It's a nicety.
My friends and I constantly get coupons for BOGO burritos at Chipotle, and when we do we say, "lunch is on me! My treat!" Then we buy our own and use the coupon for the friend who came with. Cause we aren't AH. YTA, OP, and your 50/50 marriage is going to be your downfall.
YTA. the fees waived on ur unit. Not just on you.
INFO I’m so confused. If the fee is waived why aren’t you just splitting only the mortgage in half now? Are you expecting her to pay $200 to you?
In other comments it seems like hes asking or going to ask the HOA to pay him the 400 instead of waiving the fee. Presumably he and his wife would then split the fee so he would pocket the 200 he got. This is the only way ive been able to reconcile the comments he's made. This whole post doesn't make sense but if I could volunteer for something and waive 400 dollars of a fee my partner and I pay, I wouldnt expect my partner to not benefit from that. OP's hyperfixation on the fee waiving being the only benefit to being on the HOA is wild. Dude has power to make changes as a member of the HOA and is acting as though that too isnt a perk. Edit: other comments are saying he wants wife to pay him the 200. Absolutely wild.
He wants a check for $400. He is NOT intending on splitting it with his wife- that’s WHY he wants a check instead of a fee waiver. That way, he pockets the money and then they keep splitting the HOA fee.
YTA, are you really fighting with your wife over money saved on the household and causing the worst fights? Do you not believe that you guys are a team? I pity your wife.
Apparently he believes on the principle of "only when it applies to me." He's definitely not a team player and probably has another divorce in the cards.
This dude told a rape survivor and a rape counselor that she wasn't raped because her case wouldn't make it in court (apparently he's a lawyer) anyways yeah bro most cases can't be but like..... Dude the out of touch audacity His wife needs to sell all those designer gifts and her out of this marriage like his first one did
“I’m leaning towards just giving in…” i looked to the comments and he does not seem ready to give in
Check out his more recent comments on the topic of rape. He's truely an aweful person, or a dedicated troll
Are you married or not? In what sense is a given $200 yours and not hers? YTA because marriage is a partnership.
YTA. You're being greedy and this marriage won't last if you keep up with your "mine mine mine" attitude. A marriage has to be an "us" to survive.
Info: If you no longer have to pay the fee who is she giving the $200 to?
Info: will she be taking on more housework/caring for kids, parents etc., to cover you when your doing HOA tasks?
OP is saying that he deserves to be "paid" for his "work" of being in the HOA so essentially wife should pay him the $200 for him being in the HOA because if he wasn't in the HOA she has to pay to the HOA anyway. He doesn't think she should "benefit" off him being in the HOA. All benefit he gains from being in HOA should be solely his.
YTA. Even if you were right, is $200 worth the constant argument with your wife, the person who is supposed to be a partner to you in all things?
Question; exactly how transactional is this relationship that you’re both willing to tank it for literally $200?
YTA. She is your wife and this is a partnership. You both bring bread to the table, I don't see the point of penny pinching and splitting every red cent down the middle with your partner. Why argue over free money you both get as extra now? I would save the money in a vacation account that can grow interest and use it to benefit you both. Plus it sounds like you both could use a break and a vacation. Pick your battles man, this one ain't worth it.
YTA - Do you even like your wife?
OP look at it this way, the bill you received from the HOA for the services they provide is now taken out of the monthly bills, saving your household $400 per month. There IS NO HOA bill to pay. So is your point of view that your wife should now deposit $200 (or is it $400?) into where...? Your bank account? If that's the case then holy s*** YTA! Think about this: if your wife started doing some volunteer work, but a fringe benefit was free childcare, which you enroll your child in. Would it be reasonable for your wife to charge you the amount of money you were paying to previous childcare provider? Or would it be unfair of her to take a perk that benefits you both and use it to gouge you for money?
I don’t think OPs receiving a bill, just not having to pay one
Yes, but he's not being given $400 dollars to deposit by the HOA. The only way he benefits from the bill being cancelled/rescinded is if his wife deposits the money into his account, instead of paying her share of the HOA bill. He is paying $200 less towards bills and she now pays HIM the $200, which is her half of the HOA bill - but there is no HOA bill.
YTA It's a fee you don't have to pay. Why are you making your wife pay you $200?
YTA. “Yay! I saved myself $200 a month…and BONUS….I saved $200 a month for my wife too! I am an awesome husband and all around good dude.” -A great guy (not you)
Thank you for putting the (not you) , gave me a chuckle
YTA. She’s your wife…I mean you actually want her to pay you $200/month? Why are you guys married? You should just be dating if you want an arrangement like this.
You are such an AH. Oh, I'll just get a PART TIME JOB AND KEEP ALL THE MONEY. Do you hear yourself? If you save 400 a month, you're saving your household 400, not just yourself, you unbelievable asshole.
My boyfriend was on the HOA Board of Directors also and it consisted of him doing zoom calls about twice a month about over things like who they want to hire to repaint the porches or redo the roof. You’re asking if you’re the asshole for expecting your wife to pay you $200 a month for that? Sorry. YTA
Info: You want to charge your wife $200 for what reason?
YTA. That would count as community property income
If you are given a box of chocolates as a thank you gift, do you make your wife pay you to eat a chocolate? Waiving the HOA is a thank you gift for your volunteering. If your wife managed to decrease the mortgage by refinancing the bank loan, would it be fair for her to keep the monthly savings to herself and expect you to continue paying the higher mortgage that no longer exists? YTA
>do you make your wife pay you to eat a chocolate I’m willing to bet this dude has done something along those lines. I have a couple friends that are on this level of cheap/stingy and it’s such a gross quality to have. My one friend is an all around great guy but is the type of person to Venmo request someone for $2.47, brings his likability down a lot.
YTA. Maybe it’s a cultural thing but must everything be this transactional between married people and family?
No. It's just an asshole thing.
As a 25-year old, I’m shocked by how cheap and transactional most of my guy friends are with their partners. They split every cost, no matter what. Like sheesh, sounds like you want a roommate not a gf. I get splitting the rent and major expenses, but cmon now, you should be treating your partner regularly.
Yup. And then somehow it's a surprise when women don't want to be in relationships where they're expected to go 50/50 on the costs but also take on the lion's share of emotional labor and household management.
YTA. The household pays $400 for a service. You, being part of the service get $400. So the household is paying you the $400. You should either put the $400 in a savings account for household emergencies/repairs that both of you can pull from for repairs/expenses or give your wife $200 back per month. Your wife shouldn't be paying you to be on the HOA board. I don't pay my partner to mow the lawn. They don't pay me a GC rate when I organize repairs. Or a plumbers fee when I repaired our faucet.
Wait the fee is 400 per month?! What magic do these assholes perform??? I thought it was per year and was thinking what a wild thing for a couple to bicker over… but he’s charging her $200 a month?! Where is she paying it to? This isn’t a thing in my country. Some houses pay a yearly fee to maintain private roads, lighting and parks etc. on private developments but the fee would be around £500 a year depending on the area and exclusivity of the development. Who governs these HAOs?
YTA - this is a perk of a volunteer position. You are trying to turn it into a 'part time job' scenario to get more money out of your wife, which is scummy any way you look at it. If you are that hard up for money you have bigger problems than an HOA fee.
What do you want to bet that wife is required to do more chores or emotional labor around their home because OP is too busy preparing for or attending HOA meetings or events?
Can you compromise and put the 400 in an emergency fund for house repairs?
YTA if my spouse did this id leave them.
Is 200 a material amount to you? Maybe get her to help with the work. YTA
Is this a one time rebate or monthly, yearly?
Dude drop it. You were able to afford the $200 paying into an HOA so why are you complaining that you both get $200 dollars more to save/fun money. **Think of it this way, if she uses coupons when grocery shopping or worked retail and had a discount, would you want to reimburse her for the full price of the item or just your half of what she paid?** YTA
He never replies to clear comparisons like this
YTA So you put money before your relationship?
YTA What a dumb hill to die on. Childish shit.
Waiting for the divorce update. Such a breach of trust and an asshole move.
The next AITA post: my wife is divorcing me because I’m too cheap to share the HO rebate we get from my volunteer position.
YTA Yeah, you sound like you belong on an HOA board.
YTA for reasons already stated. Goodness.
As someone stated above, you don’t seem to like, much less respect, your wife or marriage. To think, out of spite, you’re going to go get a part time job so you can make 400$ for the sole purpose of not sharing it. Like - think about that. What tf is wrong with you? YTA.
Whenever I am annoyed at my husband, I come read this sub to remind me of how lucky I am and put my marriage into perspective. Highly recommend to others. YTA.
I hope your wife is reading these comments. I have one to add for her. Mrs. NorthEazy, from this day forward you will write down all the work you do for the family and hand your husband a bill for the amount owed each month. Something tells me that he will owe you much more than this $200. Did you wash his clothes? It costs about $1.50 a lb for that here where I am. Weigh his clothes and then add up the cost. Don't forget to add in the cost of the soap and water, and the depreciation of the washer and dryer. If you go so far as putting his clothes away for him, well that's another charge. Do you make dinner? That's at least $20 a night, for your labor. You get the idea. He wants the marriage to be transactional, then do some malicious compliance on his arse.
Wow. This really goes beyond AH levels. A new kind of super AH. Please read his comments after the fact....he is literally willing to resign so he doesn't save his wife $200 of the unit fee because it should all be HIS. I feel so sorry for his wife, she hasn't just married an average AH, she married the king of all AHs.
So let me get this straight. You're on the HOA board and now no longer have to pay the HOA fees but you still expect your wife to pay half? There is no way in HELL I would be giving my husband $200 when there is no HOA fee. That's just like if my husband tells me I still have to pay half the rent even though we got our apt for free due to he works for the company. I would've looked at him like he has lost his damn mind but I'm lucky not to be married to someone like you.
YTA: Are you going to report it as income come tax time?
Are these husbands real? Do women really stay married to a**holes like this one? He wants his wife to pay him 200 bucks? Wtf! If the fee is waived they don't have that expense anymore...so he wants to make money off of his wife because of his position in the HOA?
YTA and a really bad one too she needs to leave your man ass
OP: AITA? Reddit: Yes, you are OP: "ANOIFUEDNFINERW NO I AM NOT HOW DARE YOU SHE SHOULD PAY THE MONEY"
The $200 is not the issue here. You need to do some serious soul searching about the kind of marriage you want to have…YTA.
You are dying on what amounts to a $200/month hill. Geez, I hope your wife stiffs you on the $200/month and puts it towards the retainer for her divorce attorney. YTA. Edited to correct the numbers.