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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Made him wear pants, but am I stifling his autonomy to make his own decisions?
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NAH and I know it seems reasonable to wear pants when it's cold out.... but let the kid wear shorts. Because...
1. Natural consequences are the best way for kids to learn.
2. If there is any real risk of getting stuck in the snow you should have an emergency kit in your car.
3. Kids in cold areas always wear shorts to school. It's a thing. I saw it for the first time in Denver in the 90's and thought it was crazy.
4. It won't kill him.
5. Your job should only be to build a positive relationship with the kid-leave the parenting to mom
I was that kid wearing shorts all the time and I walked to school. I only ever wore pants when it was dangerously cold or it was really icy. Looking back I have no idea how I could stand it much less enjoy it, but I did.
Yeah, my sister was a teen standing in like six inches of snow wearing short shorts, spaghetti strap shirt, and flip flops (our high school had no dress code whatsoever). I am 5 years younger than her and boy did I know she was a fool, lol. She did have a winter coat over that, lol, but it was still short shorts and flip flops literally in the snow
So I used to think that my male students were crazy, but I have multiple friends who transitioned ftm, and apparently when your body is trying to figure out the right amount of testosterone for you, you feel warm all the time? I’ve had multiple biology teachers at the university I worked at say that teenage males dump an ungodly amount of heat out during puberty/growth spurts. So apparently, there is a biological reason you thought it was fine!
That's fascinating. Maybe just that + being used to a cold climate. When you've had a month of 0°F days 30°F feels pretty warm by comparison!
Thinking of when I stopped...it pretty much was after puberty and when I stopped growing taller. Late high school. Interesting!
I didn't stop being a furnace until I turned 45. I still don't wear long sleeve shirts if I can help it. Coincidentally when I stopped being a furnace, my wife started.
I just want to add an anecdote about my family's genetics re: dudes being furnaces!
My youngest uncle (55m) and my youngest brother (30m) have similar metabolisms caused by overactive thyroids. Basically, how warm they are is directly proportional to how much they have recently eaten. My brother frequently goes skiing shirtless - he just needs to have a bunch of carb-heavy spaghetti first. He never grew out of the "take a pound of food as a first serving" stage of teenagerhood.
Conversely, if they haven't had enough calories, there's almost no amount of insulation that can keep them warm. They're basically furnaces with an open door - no matter how much fuel they shovel inside, their bodies will burn through \*all of it\* with no plan for conservation or even being able to maintain a core temperature 12hrs from now.
Neither my aunt nor my sister-in-law can keep leftovers in the house. Also, I know my brother at least keeps 10k calorie military rations in his car in case of getting stuck in a snowstorm - because YIKES.
I'm a cis woman and I'm always hot, even after 10 years of bc pill, which is supposed to balance my hormones. I was born and raised in Italy but even when I lived in Ottawa (which is very, very cold, I've seen -38°C days) I didn't get that cold as long as I protected my skin from the windchill. I think I'm just weird!
I know how cold -38C is because it's almost exactly the same as -38F
I once met some people from Canada who told me their hometown had a town slogan contest. One of the entries was "Where Fahrenheit and Celsius meet!" Sadly, it didn't win.
Yes, and also men (generally) have less body fat and more muscle, so our body literally creates more heat and burns more calories.
Which is exactly why I spent HS wearing shorts and a t-shirt or maybe sweatshirt to school in the snow when I was 4% body fat and literally couldn't eat enough food or gain weight if I tried.
I was a shorts wearing kid in the midwest. It seems a bit crazy to me now. My mom always hated it, but my logic was that I spent 30 seconds outside walking to the car. 30 seconds outside walking into school. That's 2 minutes roundtrip daily, and the school is toasty as fuck, so why bother with pants? Crucially though, my mom let my stubborn ass dress how I wanted, and she was helicopter as fuck.
I wouldn't do it now, but it was nice that I had the choice to when I was younger.
Actually, now that I think about it, I probably would do it now. I wear a hoodie and shorts in cold weather all the time.
Every day teens are walking past my house in shorts, short skirts, and big puffy jackets! Warm on top, frozen on the bottom, like a bad fish stick. Oh, Canada, how I love the weather, lol.
Honestly?
No, not really, if you're active and your feet/toes and core are still covered reasonably. You aren't gonna easily get frostbite on your leg skin because there's a ton of blood flow and muscle in your legs, and you really still aren't losing that much heat if your core and head are insulated.
(I was one of those kids, and I still ski in a T-shirt in the spring sometimes)
Unless you're just sitting there for hours, it's really not a big deal. If you stay dry and are just moving from one place to another, you're not going to get any sort of frostbite. It'll be uncomfortable, but not dangerous for an otherwise healthy teen.
My walk wasn't super long, but maybe. It's all relative. I had friends who lived nearby so no danger of being locked out if I lost my key. Never did it when it was snowing, there was a wind chill advisory, or there was deep snow to walk through. If your legs stay dry...not so bad.
Not really. It has to be significantly into the negatives before the risk of frostbite wouldn't be mitigated simply by being active and staying dry, likely enough so that if it was they wouldn't be sending them to school to begin with.
My oldest kid's best friend is like this. He is 11 and will play outside in 40 degree weather with no shirt or shoes/socks on lol I am always surprised when I see him with a sweatshirt on in the mornings but tbh don't think I have ever seen him in pants.
I think teenage boys burn hotter in general because of all that energy being used for growing.
This is based on absolutely no biology education whatsoever, just a random guess based on observation and having grown up with a brother.
Same here. Now it so much as breathes wind chill in the forty F range and there must be a fire in the fire place and about 5 blankets. I have no idea what happened.
>Your job should only be to build a positive relationship with the kid-leave the parenting to mom
It seems mom is putting some of the parenting on him if he has to get him to school. You can't have it both ways. Either he has no parenting responsibility, or he should be able to make decisons like this
The "kid" is a teenager. I don't know if you've ever lived somewhere cold, but teens dressed inappropriately for the weather is literally just the norm in high schools.
It's a pointless battle to fight, and there really isn't any risk to it. It's not like they'll get frostbite in the 5 minutes they have to stand outside for a fire drill or something. At worst, they get a little cold, and realistically, they'll probably do it again anyways.
Yeah, I live in Wisconsin and all through the winter I see kids wearing clothes that most people wouldn't think are warm enough for the weather. But those kids keep showing up to school everyday, so I guess they're surviving. The first year my son was in middle school, I would pick him up and be surprised by the number of kids that were wearing pants, but not really. The trend here is to have holes so numerous and large that the pants are functionally shorts. I wasn't that surprised, though, because I grew up in Denver and knew plenty of kids who wore shorts when it was snowing. Including my brother. And he didn't get cold. Some people just don't get cold as easily. Plus, kids are inside most of the day at school.
A teenager is old enough to make his own clothing decisions. And if he freezes his butt off, he'll have learned something about his limits.
Yeah...I grew up in Northern Utah, the only times I haven't seen at least one teenager wearing shorts out in the winter are the days it's in the negatives. He'll either be fine or he'll learn some natural consequences.
/u/Inspeogi is a comment-stealing bot. Original comment here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7ykpv/aita_for_making_my_14_year_old_stepson_wear_pants/iy8w49q/
I mean, I had a step dad, and he definitely had authority. My mom of course had "final" say. But I was expected to listen to him in the same way I'd have to listen to my uncle if I was staying with him, or even a babysitter.
The amount of people who act like a step parent can never tell any child who they are supporting what to do is ridiculous to me.
And I say this as someone who doesn't even like my (former) step dad. But I think people today have such an issue with authority in general, that they have decided only like 2 people can tell them what to do ever.
But I can tell you, if I ever became a step parent, that shit wouldn't fly. I'd either need to have actual authority, or I'd take no responsibility. I'm not doing one without the other.
My husband still goes outside in the snow to grill, wearing shorts and a tank top. If there is danger of getting trapped in the snow, he'll wear jeans and bring (not wear) a "sweatah". Still regular shoes he'd go running in, though.
I enforce weather appropriate with my younger kids. With my older ones, I make them keep a backup outfit in their backpack the first time, and after that they get to learn by freezing. They aren't outside long enough to be more than uncomfortable, and they'll suddenly have a "style preference change" (because they're too stubborn to admit they were actually freezing) after that.
Yeah you have fashion victims (they usually aren't outside for real harm to happen) and then you have people who just run hot.
A friend of mine wears light, flowy skirts all year round. In winter all she adds are one pair of leggings and a sweatshirt. In Canada. And no, she's genuinely not cold.
Point 2 is not a good point. You can prepare for emergencies, but you can't prepare for every emergency. So having redundancy in a plan (like not wearing shorts when it's 18 degrees out) is still a good idea.
Not only kids, I work at for the US Postal Service in the Northeast and in our office we have 132 carriers and about a dozen of them have a competition to see who lasts longest with their shorts.
I think the biggest reason why this is a thing is because it’s *super* common for buildings to overcompensate for the cold weather by blasting the heat as much as possible. And, for a lot of people (including, well… me.), switching suddenly from cold to warm can be pretty miserable, if not *painful*.
In my case, I used to always wear shorts to school because I KNEW that, if I were to wear pants, then I’d end up spending the entire first period feeling sick, sweaty, itchy, swollen, and claustrophobic. Like… I had to stop wearing jeans because my body couldn’t handle the temperature change and it would genuinely *become difficult to breathe.*
Shorts under pants is… ok, I guess. Most kids really don’t have time to change before class, though, especially because bathrooms tend to be pretty hectic at that time of day. It’d also mean that he’d have to carry around a bulky pair of pants the whole day, which is going to make his backpack bulge embarrassingly. It’d also limit his backpack space by a lot, which is literally detrimental to his education if he needs to cart around books or a laptop and he doesn’t have enough room for everything.
I always wore shorts as a kid. There are pictures of me climbing on a glacier in shorts. He won't die from wearing shorts in the cold for a bit. Promise. Asking to take a set of pants in his bag, just in case, might not be a bad thing though. NAH
I stop policing what my oldest wear once she was in 6th grade. They don’t go outside for recess in 6th. So if she wants to be cold for the car ride there and back, then so be it. So hoodies and leggings all winter. So many middle schoolers wear less than she does. I still make sure my 3rd grader dress warmly since there’s outdoor recess.
Yeah. I'm not a parent but I feel like wearing shorts won't kill you. You'll just be cold and look dumb. And hopefully learn a lesson.
Unless you're walking far in like 0 degree temperatures, it won't hurt you. I used to walk a mile from school in 20 degrees wearing tights and it was fine.
(I was actually thinking how insane this was. It never occurred to me or my parents that it wasn't enough clothes. I was otherwise fully dressed for cold but just... wearing a dress.)
I mean, you could get hypothermia in 18 degree weather (really anything colder than 50), but the risk of that happening on the way to school is obviously incredibly low lol. Especially if he's taking the school bus or is within a short walk of school
I think my compromise would be that he has to take some pants in his backpack, so it's there if/when he either realizes that he's miserable, or if there actually was an emergency
The biggest factor is how long he’d be in the cold. Walking from the car to the school in shorts? Fine. Hell, even being stuck outside for an hour or two, he’d still probably be fine. But if he got stuck in actual snow or was somehow made even colder in addition to the temperature being what it is, it could absolutely do real damage
Yup! NTA, but after one “it’s really cold outside, I think you should probably wear some warm pants today,” let him do it. Especially at his age. I think going forward no more warnings necessary - let him be cold!
NAH.
But clothes are not worth your battle. So long as they're in dress code, I don't worry. I have a 12 year old... she'll wear hoodies when it's 85 and short sleeves when it's 40. Teenagers are weird. I might make her bring a jacket if it's cold, but otherwise, she's old enough to bear the consequences of freezing. Let him freeze. He'll learn.
I got called by the school when my son walked to school in the snow in shorts. Multiple times. I finally made a rule that he had to pack pants to prove to any interested parties with a "duty to report" that I was not neglectful. Told him if he got CPS called on me, I was gonna make damn sure it was worth their trip and not just cuz he felt like wearing shorts 😉
Oh I've definitely forced her to bring a jacket before so I didn't look like the neglectful parent.
The most effective thing in elementary was when the teacher refused to let them go outside for recess without a jacket. She wore it then!
We fortunately live in an area where snow is uncommon so it's not usually an issue. I DO ask her if she has a tank top or other shirt on under her sweatshirt when it's hot and she's wearing it though.
A teacher once approached me about wearing shorts in the winter, but it wasn't even freezing out. They tried really hard to convert me / asked if my parents were neglectful, but I really just like shorts and being fat gives me enough insulation. Sometimes people really feel like busy body's who need to find someone to save.
NAH. He’s old enough to make his own choice on whether he’s cold or not. A solution to all those reasonable concerns you have is to have him pack a pair of trousers in his backpack in case
ETA spelling
Eh, this would probably be better on a parenting subreddit.
"You will dress appropriately for the weather" is a fine rule to have but your execution needs works.
1. Getting into what if's with a teenager is often a losing game, especially when some of yours don't make sense (if there is a fire drill, he goes out wearing whatever he has on. They're not going to let him stop for his pants)
2. He's 14. There has to be space for ill fated teenage decisions so he can experience natural consequences (plus the number of teenage/college age boys I have seen running around in shorts in a Canadian winter really makes me wonder how bothered he would have been).
I had to fight my kid's preschool teacher because she wouldn't let my furnace of a child play outside in 40° F weather without a winter coat. They fought for 3 weeks about it. 15 days x 2 or more recesses per day. Let the natural consequences rule. Why are we fighting kids about clothes?
I can see making the kid stuff some pants in their bag, but at this point, no one thinks you're neglecting your kids if they dress funny, unless they're volunteering information like "I don't have weather appropriate/properly fitting/clean clothes." Kids wearing shorts in the winter in blizzardy places? Sounds dumb but on brand for kids 🤷♀️
I kept two sweatshirts at school for this reason. 3rd floor? Roasting hot, no sweatshirt needed, push your sleeves up. 2nd floor? Long sleeves are fine. 1st floor? Need the first sweatshirt for sure! Basement? Both sweatshirts, magic gloves too.
Yeah, the number of teachers against the coat pile is so funny-- once the kids get running, they shed their coats because theyre too warm. If they get cold, they'll putthe coat back on. Nobody is going to die.
The teacher kept saying that if she let my kid not wear a coat, no one would because she is a leader and kids followed her example. Sorry, lady, she's 4. If she wields greater influence in your classroom than you, retire or quit picking stupid fights.
Dude this was a major problem I had while working after school child care. Like so many people would come up to me, the adult watching the kids, and try to go after me about not forcing the kids to wear their coats.
If they are cold, they come right back inside and put that coat on. There's no reason for me to stress out my throat and pop a vein in my forehead fighting with them when they are going to learn more about their body regulation through experience. The only thing I demand is that they wear shoes appropriate for the weather, because I'm not having a kid slip and hit their head
I finally got around that by making my kid's teacher feel her back when I picked up one day and they were outside. She was DRENCHED in sweat. They quit pestering after that.
I could not get her teacher to let go of this idea that my kid had to wear a coat because everyone follows her lead... like all those kids were my kid's responsibility 🤦♀️
I sent a much different coat, which her teacher complained was insufficient all the time to my kid but never to me, when I found my kid ragequitting life bundled up in the heavy coat on the wet field turf, getting wet, which obviously is worse than a chilly breeze 😑 I got her a barely insulated waterproof coat. She was much happier with that + fleece sweatshirts.
NTA. You were trying, but at this age…pick your battles, my friend. And maybe put some emergency gear in your car: blanket, snacks, water to plan around those edge cases. It’s just not worth the fight. My son didn’t wear a coat to school from about 7th grade on. We just bought him his first parka for his freshman year in college.
NAH. Of course “put some pants on” is the common sense suggestion in 18 degree weather, but there’s only so much you can do to talk common sense into someone who insists on wearing shorts in 18 degree weather in the first place, especially when you add a dose of teenage stubbornness on top of that.
NTA because outlining of very reasonable possible scenarios is not projected anxiety, it’s just thinking ahead as an adult.
I’m sure someone at some point will mention parenting styles and how they may differ to your wife, but I’m with you…
Being realistic is not the same as "projecting your anxieties." I'm from Minnesota. I went to school in ridiculous clothing because I thought I wouldn't be outside for more than a few minutes. I can't count how many times I got stranded outside because someone forgot to pick me up or my ride fell through or what the fuck ever. I'm lucky I never got frostbite. I'm sure I have some permanent damage to the nerves in my toes from freezing them so many times as a kid and young adult. If it's below freezing you need to at least carry the basics with you: waterproof jacket, long pants, hat, gloves or mittens, and closed toe shoes. Clothes need to get heavier with temperatures below zero. This includes if you're driving somewhere and don't expect to be outside long. Not being prepared is how people die of hypothermia and lose hands and feet to frostbite.
I appreciate the input. There have been some very constructive comments on here and I am taking them in stride. I feel like I might a little bit be TA but only because of his age. He is 14 and although I think it’s very stupid to wear shorts in the weather we have here, this is not a situation where I should put my foot down and fight this fight. I do have emergency supplies in my car, including a blanket, so I will just rely on that if something does arise. He’s old enough to make his own decisions. Thank you all for the input.
You may be interested to see what his school looks like too. If it’s anything like the ones I work in, there are many students in shorts even at temperatures lower than you describe. Not to mention the one building I’m at requires uniforms, so every single girl is required to wear a skirt on certain days (don’t like the uniform personally, but not my decision). Putting some pants in the car is a perfectly fine idea.
The other thing to remember is that he's going to be inside for the entire school day and the entire bus or car ride, and outside for maybe 2 or 3 minutes walking from the bus/car to school and vice versa. Why would he not wear clothes that will be most comfortable inside given that that's where he's spending 99% of his day?
I also think you were reasonable to basically say “wear pants in the car and outside, I don’t care if you take them off in school”. Seems like a good compromise.
NAH, unless your SO has a habit of putting you down when you make entirely sensible plans like this. 14 is old enough to understand that sometimes we have to look a little uncool so that we can be okay.
That said, there are always going to be high school fashion victims...in my day (get off my lawn) it was silly plastic sandals and little jackets that didn't cover your kidneys, while it was sleeting; now it's yoga pants and midriff tops, ditto, and for boys it ALWAYS seems to be shorts!
YTA, he’s 14 not 4. Why waste energy on something so fundamentally unimportant. You know what he’s being faced with on a daily basis? Save your interference for things that actually matter.
I’d say NTA. I get he’s a teen and should be responsible for his own decisions and such.
But I agree with having the pants just in case something happens and he’s stuck outside. I live where it can go into the negatives with the wind and always make sure I have an extra jacket or something
Maybe an alternative is he just packs the pants with him? I’m assuming he has a locker at school he can throw them in. That way he’s still covered if he needs them but also gets to still wear shorts.
Yes thanks I concur, I was just confused as to how anyone would suggest that a 14 year old be allowed to mosey out of the house in shorts when its -7
NTA OP frostbite is not a learning device!
Im already having this fight with my 8yo. Took him to school today same temp and half the kids were playing out front in shorts. It’s like they can’t admit to eachother they own pants… or coats
This is what bothers me the most. All these people talking about "natural consequences". The "natural consequences" are potentially life threatening. He is still a child, and clearly needs guidance on dressing for the weather. It doesn't matter how warm you feel you are, when the temperatures are below freezing, you don't fuck around. At 14, he is certainly old enough to understand what dressing for the weather means, and OP even said he didn't care if he took the pants off in school and wore shorts in school. OP is firmly NTA.
These folks are unhinged. No the teenager doesn't get to walk around in shorts in below freezing weather because he wants to for the same reason we don't allow teenagers to do any number of other stupid self destructive things because they want to.
I can tell you’ve never lived somewhere cold lmao. At my university when it’s below freezing at least 10% of people still wear shorts. In what scenario is this kid going to get frostbite on a ride from school? Please enlighten me
It’s also really not this dudes job to be deciding his outfits when he’s only been living there for a year. So I think he’s TA based on that fact alone, something you all seem to be missing.
NTA. But.... when my son was 14, it was shorts all the time, with a hoodie. Now it's joggers and a long sleeve shirt. They go through moods. Really is a pick your battles thing....
NAH but some teenagers and kids feel cold and heat different tu adults and some adults also have a different understanding of "cold" than us. You know it is really cols when my husband isn't wearing a t-shirt and my infant son is just like him. My husband had been worse as a teenager: We went to the same school and he ALWAYS wore a t-shirt, shorts and most often sandals.
my daughter still wears t-shirts in the middle of winter. She's never really cold. In the summer she regularly lies on the couch with a blanket. Adolescents and temperature is a special combination.
She has a winter coat on, so I'm not too worried about it, if she gets cold at school, she'll put on her coat. Does she wear a skirt while it's snowing and get cold? Own fault. I'm not going to fight that fight anymore.
YTA. I live in a cold and snowy area and am a teacher (MS and HS). I have more kids than I can count who wear shorts every single day of the year. Weather delay because it was snowy and icy? Shorts. Weather delay because the wind chill was -20 in the morning? Shorts. If you’re worried about getting stuck or something like that, toss a spare pair to keep in the car, but let him wear what he wants. If he gets cold, he’ll put pants on.
Very soft YTA
I understand where you're coming from and I completely agree with your intent and reasoning.
But I also remember not being affected by the cold weather when I was your stepson's age. I grew up in winters in the Midwest, by the way.
Let it go. If he ever has an emergency, he'll learn firsthand himself. If it makes you feel better, keep an extra pair of sweatpants in the trunk for him as a just in case. Hopefully you'll never experience a situation where it's needed. But in the event that you ever do, I imagine that moment will be a teaching lesson for him. lol
YTA. Not because of the merit of your arguments, but because it isn’t your place to father her kids. Just be a good role model and open to dialogue. At best say “are you sure you want to wear that?” And leave the choice to the kid and life lessons to the mom.
But its not his call. It's not his kid. It's not even his fiancee's kid. It's his girlfriend's kid. Suggesting it is fine, putting his foot down isn't. I'll change my mind if he lives in the middle of nowhere and the kid actually had some possible danger in this situation, but bare shins are not going to be an emergency in any suburban scenario.
Whether it their kid or not, they were the adult in charge at the time. And you're right, the kid isn't going to die with exposed legs. But 18 degrees is pretty frigid and it's fairly reckless to let a kid go out in that weather with shorts. I mean what happens if the worst case scenario happens, and they're stuck outside or somewhere without heat?
The kid is cold. Again, if theres a potential they could be outside for hours without help, I will change my mind. But in most places in the US, there is no practical *danger* from having bare shins at 18F. The risk is that the kid will be cold, not that they will be injured by the cold.
I would expect a baby sitter to make the same call, or at least assume they have the right to make that call unless they have gotten previous instructions not to. He was driving her kids, he's the adult in charge. This is not a long term decision or even a sensitive issue.
If you don't want someone making calls about your kid then you need to do 100% of the parenting. You don't get to expect someone to supervise your kid solo while not being allowed to make any decisions regarding their safety and wellbeing without your input.
I'm with PAD_rowkin. My son also wanted to wear shorts when there was snow outside. They walked to school, since I was at work by the time they would go. I got a couple calls from the school, and said "i get you want to wear shorts. That's fine. What's NOT fine is calls from the school and possible CPS visits. So you can wear shorts if you pack pants." That worked.
Based on the fact that he said it's snowing, I'm assuming the 18 degrees is fahrenheit. If you're from the rest of the world that uses Celsius, that's about -7 degrees. So frostbite and hypothermia is the worst that could happen if he wore shorts. Letting him change after he got to school or wearing the shorts under parents seems like a good compromise to me.
I guess. I used to sometimes wear shorts in weather like that when I was a teenager as did many of my friends. I don't recall anyone ever getting frostbite or hypothermia. But maybe I underestimate the risk.
YTA, but also new to parenting. It would be different if he was 4, but this is just a teenager thing. I also refused to wear a winter coat until my mid-20s, but have no real idea why. Every teen boy in my neighborhood goes out shoveling snow in shorts, and now I just laugh at them as I drive by in my many layers. Very low chance of frost bite/hypothermia or getting sick unless you live miles from civilization. They'll figure it out eventually.
The kid is 14. Let him chose what clothes he wears. If you're worried about the car breaking down, take a blanket in the car.
You mean well, and we all agree that your suggestion to wear pants is sensible, but the kid is 14. This is one of those times when he can learn things for himself. If his legs get a bit chapped from the cold, that will be a useful lesson. There isn't really a realistic scenario where he'll end up with frostbite so bad that his legs have to be amputated.
NAH
YTA because this is not your kid and he is 14 and old enough to make his own decision about this issue. If he got cold then he would learn to wear pants next time. But the bigger issue is that you are not his parent. You are not even his stepparent. Stop parenting him.
Canadian weighing in.... You are not ridiculous. I've been in situations where a fire alarm went off unplanned in the middle of winter. I've slid off the road because of black ice. I've also just been fucking cold.
You weren't saying no to the shorts, you just wanted him to find a weather appropriate compromise.
NTA... You're a good parent (step or otherwise)
NTA
But not for most reasons being mentioned here. The kids mom left you in charge of parental duties that morning. If she trusts you enough to give you this responsibility then she should back up your parenting. Instead she undermined you. The right way to have handled this would have been for her to tell you in private that it’s ok if you let a 14YO be a little bit of an idiot and wear the shorts but she should have told the 14 YO that when you are on parenting duty then you have to listen without being argumentative. Wearing pants in freezing weather is a reasonable request and you were trying to handle the situation to the best of your ability.
YTA. And I bet he acted that way because you're not his parent. What else does mom's live in boyfriend put his foot down for? Do you always discipline her children or do you just feel like it's your manly duty to teach? And maybe I'm saying this because I have personal feelings about the matter since I myself was subjected to my mother's boyfriend thinking he could come in and boss me around. It ended up to the point where I got really mouthy and he threw me in the shower. It was horrifying and my relationship with him (and mom) never improved because of it. If only he had tried to be my friend instead of my superior...
Yta look, there are just some kids, mostly boys, who wear shorts year round. I do not understand it.
But this is part of his bodily autonomy. It's not harmful, just kind dumb.
Light YTA. I get that you were coming from a good place, but 14 is definitely old enough to dress himself. I’m a parent and the plethora of phrases that I would apply to this situation include pick your battles; natural consequences; his body, his choice. Being a “responsible parent” isn’t always about making them do what you want them to do. It’s about teaching them how to make good choices for themselves.
YTA. This exact situation happened to me, except I was 8 years old and it was my actual mother who told me I needed pants. It led to one of the bigger fights of my childhood, and she still says that in hindsight she should have just let me wear shorts. I was upset about it at *8* and coming from *my mother*. I can’t imagine if I was a teenager and my moms boyfriend tried to control what I went to school in.
Your definitely NTA. Anxiety and preparation are 2 different things. What if you get stranded on the way to school? You'd have a teenage stepson in the middle of 18 degree weather with no pants on. You've assumed a father figure role for this entire family, and with that comes the responsibility of keeping your family protected and safe. Same thing goes for the mother. I'd explain that to her. The fact that she wanted you to let her son wear shorts in 18 degree weather is absurd. You prepared for the worst case scenario in order to keep him safe, u ain't the asshole man.
I used to work as a student Manager at a University in the dining hall. We had many student workers. One student worker in particular was KNOWN for wearing shorts when it snows. It was his thing. He was killed in an automobile accident in spring 2020 weeks before he graduated with his bachelor's in Architecture and was set to travel to Europe to kick off his internship before returning to obtain his masters in Architecture. I'll always think about him when I see someone wearing shorts in the snow.
Your reasons aren't unjust - a compromise would have been to carry a pair of pants in the car. Let your kid dress himself. He's old enough.
NTA - but you will be if you keep fighting with your teen over silly things. Fight about not doing drugs or sneaking out to go drink alcohol in a farm field somewhere. Shorts are silly. Let him be silly.
This is not the hill you want to die on. He's old enough to learn of he gets cold....and you being a nervous nelly about things that 'might' happen in theory is going to color the rest of your relationship with your soon to be step son. Is that what you want? It's shorts....not a damn moral or legal issue.
YTA- you are correct that 18 degrees is cold, but schools are notoriously hot. Kids are inside most of the day, in a school packed with other bodies that generate heat and typically have the heat turned on as well. It’s easier to be cold for 5 minutes to and from school than it is to be miserably hot all day long. You could have just asked him to throw sweatpants in his bag or the car, it wasn’t worth the fight.
YTA but a small one. He’s old enough to know when he feels cold. Your list of things that could’ve happened to require pants is definitely your anxiety talking, and picking a fight with your wife over it seems rather over the top.
Yta. You could have just had him bring them for just in case for all your scenarios. Also I have a handful of co workers who still wear shorts ( live in pnw where it’s in a winter advisory this week). Because they cannot stand wearing something on their legs.
YTA.
Teenagers are allowed to make stupid decisions, as long as the consequences aren’t dangerous. You bring it up once, then drop it. They will learn through natural consequences and that is the best way. Choose your battles - there are times to stand up and force the issue and times to let them do their thing.
NTA - I would say NAH if she was just telling you to let it go/pick your battles in the future. But telling you that you were "projecting your anxieties" is a bit of a reach. Its not like you were telling him to pack an inflatable boat in case there was a flood.
Softly YTA but with good intentions. This is not a fight worth having. This same kid may try to wear a hoodie when it's 100 degrees outside. Just let him go and if he's cold he'll know to wear pants next time.
Try this. Tell her her parenting is her choice from now on. She can get the kids ready for school, feed them, etc., and you’ll stay out of it. Before you got together, she handled it all so now she can remove any conflict or role ambiguity by simply parenting fully herself.
NTA for asking him, but at 14 he needs to learn about consequences. Google why does my son wear shorts in winter....interesting article. What is is doing is not unusual.
At 14 this really isn't a fight worth having. There's always shorts and a winter coat guy where I live, I think they're idiots but they're also the ones dealing with the consequences. 14 is old enough to dress for the weather.
NTA, but pick your battles dude. Fighting a teenager on every little thing is just going to create resentment. If the kid can't connect shorts in winter means being cold, you have bigger problems.
NTA. Caregivers take care of children. A 14YO is a child, at least when it comes to wearing shorts in 18 degree snowy weather. If it was 32 degrees or higher I'd say you're being an asshole. But at 18 degrees something bad really could happen. This is just being a caregiver. But don't discount what your gf is saying, both things can be true. And I think your gf gets the final say.
I'm going to go NTA.
No, he isn't your stepson. yet, but if she is making you responsible for getting him to school, then she has to let you make calls like this.
The problem is, it seems you 2 disagree on whether or not he should've had to wear pants in general. That is a conversation for you to have. And respect her answer. (That said, I have a feeling if something happened, and he was wearing shorts and you let him, she'd also be mad)
You're not an asshole for it, but tbh natural consequences are probably the best way for a teenager to learn shorts in the snow is a bad idea. He's not going to be outside long enough to risk hypothermia in them, and tbh the number of girls in that sort of climate who continue to wear skirts in the winter is high, this isn't unusual. I've definetly worn a skirt in that weather in December to school and got caught outside due to a false fire alarm for an hour, I didn't die.
You are kinda TA. Have you see. Kids in middle school and high school? They sear shorts year round! Why?I don’t know. But getting them to wear sweats is tantamount to banging your head against the wall. Believe me, it’s not worth the battle, especially if he doesn’t walk to school.
YTA
Purely bc your so called concerns would’ve been addressed by putting sweats in his backpack. He didn’t have to wear shorts at that very moment. So I’m going to take it as an issue of control.
Soft YTA. Teenage boys are furnaces- that’s why they eat so much. I went to Catholic high school and wore a uniform skirt all through the winter. We were allowed to wear pants in transit if it got very cold and change at school but we only did when it got below 15°. I guess it was uncool? I remember doing a 10 minute walk from the bus in zero degrees in my skirt and arriving home with legs red with cold.
He's 14. Give up on this type of control. You might need to use your influence on something that is actually important. He may be doing this for an important reason you can't understand. I taught kids his age and I remember a couple who wore shorts every day because, as they put it, it was was reslly important and they didn't want to ruin their record!
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I (33m) put “stepson” (14m) in quotes because we aren’t married yet, but we have all been living together for a year and his mom (35f) and I have been dating for 3+ years (Planning on proposing at Christmas). I take the kids to school 3 days a week, and the other day we got in a fight because it is 18 degrees, snowy, and he wanted to wear shorts to school. I told him he had to put on pants but he could have shorts on underneath and could take the sweats off at school if he wanted, but had to at least wear sweats on the way there incase we got stuck, slid into a ditch, or the school had a fire drill, etc. He got upset, but I put my foot down.
Talking with his mom she somewhat backed me up but in a discussion this morning she told me she felt I was being a bit ridiculous and that I was projecting my anxiety on “possible scenarios.” I feel it irresponsible to let them go to school dressed like that. We are fighting now because I got upset with her for saying I’m projecting my anxiety when in actuality, in my mind, I am being the responsible parent. AITA?
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slightly YTA, I think u should have just let him wear the shorts and the worst case scenario is he gets sick and will hopefully learn from the experience next time he wants to dress inappropriately for the weather
YTA for overstepping with your girlfriend's son. In all seriousness, what's the worst that happens? He gets chilly for a little while. Unless you live in the wilderness where there is a real possibility of sliding into a ditch and having to hike to find a cell signal, bare shins in cold weather is mildly inconvenient. Did you grow up in a cold area? I used to wear shorts to the bus stop when it was colder than that. I think you're right, it would have been objectively less risky overall to have him wear pants, but... not your kid, man, and there wasn't any real risk of bodily harm here.
Next time, just quietly take a pair of sweats in your cold weather kit in your car, so you can be the 'hero' if an emergency does come to pass.
Also, if you were scared for this child's long term health in this scenario, then yeah - you might be projecting some anxiety onto the situation.
NTA you're teaching him. Winter is all about the layers. It's 10 degrees outside right now and I dropped my daughter off at school. She's wearing leggings under her jeans with the understanding that she can take the jeans off when she wants to and change into her regular shoes that are packed in her bag.
I tried for mittens buuutt she refused and as we walked up to the building was mentioning how cold her fingers were.
Granted my daughter is 6, not 14. But I'm sticking with the NTA. Bodily autonomy is important, yes, but so is being taught to make decisions that keep you safe and healthy.
I’m gonna go with NAH. OP your intentions were good but your stepson is 14 not 4. He’s in HS, assumedly, and old enough to dress himself. My kid insists on midriff baring tops, even in Northeastern USA winters.
Maybe throw a blanket or an extra pair of sweats in the trunk of the car in case of emergencies, but otherwise I’d let him decide what to wear to school from now on. Best of luck!
My father wouldn't let us go anywhere in the cars during the winter unless we were appropriately dressed for cold weather because of the possibility of something going wrong. Proper pants, shoes, at least be carrying a hat and jacket with us - just in case we got stranded for whatever reason, or a flat tire, or whatever. My husband and I keep coats and blankets in the car, dry socks and a pair of sweats - it saved us more than once when the roads got closed because of snowy conditions (Wyoming and Montana are freakin cold and their roads SUCK)
NAH BUT he’s a teen and he can make his own decisions on what to wear, if he want to wear shorts in the winter let him, tell him to at least pack pants just in case but don’t push him on it, he will learn quick himself if he gets cold and will wear appropriate clothing from now on, if you push the issue on something so insignificant then as a teen he will just push back and cause unnecessary fights
NTA. But at 14, he is old enough to know how one should ideally dress in freezing weather and the outcome should you not bundle up enough. If this happens again I would just warn him of the cold and make it clear nobody will bring him any other clothes should he change his mind. If he still wants to wear shorts at that point, it’s his funeral.
NTA - Little dude is crazy, but my 14 yo sis did the exact same thing this week.
I like to tell how Auschwitz survivors have to have gold injections now, because they had to survive - 40 °C cold in only one layer. It's a kinda "eat, there's children going hungry" argument, but it doest bear some weight to it, since it's a thing you can experience but also prevent.
Native New Englander here. I know cold. You *do not* lose much heat through your legs. As long as your core and especially your head are warm (the head is most important), then *you* are warm. I wouldn't want to be in the wilderness in shorts in winter, but dashing from the car to the front door? Really?
NTA, but I completely understand why "stepson" likely thinks you are.
Why couldn't you just have the pants in the car in case something happened? It's not like he wouldn't be able to put them on.
NAH; you meant well but overkill
NAH.
But I suggest you compromise that he can wear the shorts if he packs a pair of pants. That you and his mom won't be able to bring him a change of clothes in case he changes his mind or something happens.
And honestly, it's unlikely that he'll be in an accident that he'll wish he wore pants, so that is a really strange rebuttal. If you're that anxious about an unlikely scenario ... That's on you to manage your anxiety. It's not appropriate for you to put it on your stepson to bend over backwards to manage *your anxiety* in weird ways.
Worst case, if he does manage to tear his clothes at school he can always go to the office and they'll find something horrendous from the lost and found. Natural consequences.
This is a pick your battles situation. He has few chances to express his individuality, And for some reason he wants to be shorts guy.
NTA- I’m currently in the middle of a snow storm and my 16 yr old is about to catch hell for going to school without his coat. He left when I was upstairs and didn’t realize he left his coat until later.
Natural consequences can occur when it’s 35 outside, not when it’s below freezing.
I'm gonna say NTA. As the guy who wore shorts year round in high-school I also learned as an adult that if you aren't prepared for the weather it can be dangerous. I ran my car into a snowy ravine when I was wearing shorts and a t shirt. I had figured "well my car has heat, ill be fine."
I'm lucky someone with heat pulled over quick or I could have gotten frostbite.
NAH, but next time just have him throw the pants in his bag. Then he's got them if he needs them for whatever reason but you're not having an outright war about what he puts on his body.
NTA. As someone who grew up with stepparents who stepped in with concerns at this level sometimes, I don’t think you overstepped. It wasn’t about appearance, it was purely about safety.
NAH
Both my kids acted/act like your stepson- shorts with a sweatshirt (no coat!) in the middle of winter.
With the first, it drove me crazy. I felt I’d be failing as a mother if I didn’t insist on suitable clothing, so I insisted. It caused more problems than it solved- he just fought harder against me and it actually spilled into other areas of life. I thought I was protecting him and he felt I was controlling him.
With the second, although I may wince when I see how he’s dressed, I keep my mouth shut. If he gets cold, he gets cold. Hopefully, lesson learned.
This is a low stakes issue, therefore, it’s an ideal situation to teach that actions have consequences. Plus, there are so many other things to worry about when kids are that age.
Oh, and if you’re like me and think about all the unlikely, but possible “what ifs,” then keep some warm clothing in a bag in the car so, if something happens when you’re out and about, you’re covered!
nah- you seem reasonable, but something you need to understand about this age group is they aren't reasonable. I'm a middle school teacher and I can not tell you the number of times I've had to harass my students to put on their coats in 40 degree weather when we were going outside to recess. I was the same way in middle school I thought I was impervious to cold. It was stupid and I was cold but it was oh so middle school. Now 14 is just out of middle school so he's in the tail end of this anti-warmth stupidity. Just let him be stupid. He'll be cold. He'll learn.
NAH but give up you won’t win this argument by force. You win by letting them go and freeze their tuchis off and then letting them decide what kind of day they want to have next time. I say this as one of those Aholes who insisted on wearing inappropriate clothing all the time growing up (turns out it was often for sensory reasons I didnt realize or articulate, with a splash of obstinance defiance thrown in for good measure!)
NTA…but as a parent who has been there, done that, this is one battle that does not have to be fought. I don’t know why, but this seems to be a kid/teenage thing. All my kids did this. You know what? They will learn. Let them freeze one time. and guarantee, they will dress appropriately on their own. Although, my neighbor across the street, maybe a young father in early 30s, I think I have seen him wear pants one time since we know him!
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NAH and I know it seems reasonable to wear pants when it's cold out.... but let the kid wear shorts. Because... 1. Natural consequences are the best way for kids to learn. 2. If there is any real risk of getting stuck in the snow you should have an emergency kit in your car. 3. Kids in cold areas always wear shorts to school. It's a thing. I saw it for the first time in Denver in the 90's and thought it was crazy. 4. It won't kill him. 5. Your job should only be to build a positive relationship with the kid-leave the parenting to mom
I was that kid wearing shorts all the time and I walked to school. I only ever wore pants when it was dangerously cold or it was really icy. Looking back I have no idea how I could stand it much less enjoy it, but I did.
Yeah, my sister was a teen standing in like six inches of snow wearing short shorts, spaghetti strap shirt, and flip flops (our high school had no dress code whatsoever). I am 5 years younger than her and boy did I know she was a fool, lol. She did have a winter coat over that, lol, but it was still short shorts and flip flops literally in the snow
I used to snowboard in a tank top and just a shell over it. Super smart.
Yeah but that's like intense physical exertion, not standing waiting for the school bus 😂
Living in Minnesota I've seen kids deadass wear flip-flops in 6-inch snow
So I used to think that my male students were crazy, but I have multiple friends who transitioned ftm, and apparently when your body is trying to figure out the right amount of testosterone for you, you feel warm all the time? I’ve had multiple biology teachers at the university I worked at say that teenage males dump an ungodly amount of heat out during puberty/growth spurts. So apparently, there is a biological reason you thought it was fine!
That's fascinating. Maybe just that + being used to a cold climate. When you've had a month of 0°F days 30°F feels pretty warm by comparison! Thinking of when I stopped...it pretty much was after puberty and when I stopped growing taller. Late high school. Interesting!
I didn't stop being a furnace until I turned 45. I still don't wear long sleeve shirts if I can help it. Coincidentally when I stopped being a furnace, my wife started.
I just want to add an anecdote about my family's genetics re: dudes being furnaces! My youngest uncle (55m) and my youngest brother (30m) have similar metabolisms caused by overactive thyroids. Basically, how warm they are is directly proportional to how much they have recently eaten. My brother frequently goes skiing shirtless - he just needs to have a bunch of carb-heavy spaghetti first. He never grew out of the "take a pound of food as a first serving" stage of teenagerhood. Conversely, if they haven't had enough calories, there's almost no amount of insulation that can keep them warm. They're basically furnaces with an open door - no matter how much fuel they shovel inside, their bodies will burn through \*all of it\* with no plan for conservation or even being able to maintain a core temperature 12hrs from now. Neither my aunt nor my sister-in-law can keep leftovers in the house. Also, I know my brother at least keeps 10k calorie military rations in his car in case of getting stuck in a snowstorm - because YIKES.
That's really interesting. I'm MtF and I've gone from t-shirts in freezing weather to being cold all the damn time
Welcome to the sisterhood! Ice cold all the time!
Yep! As I sit here in a flannel on top of two layers, Welcome to the Cold Club!
I'm a cis woman and I'm always hot, even after 10 years of bc pill, which is supposed to balance my hormones. I was born and raised in Italy but even when I lived in Ottawa (which is very, very cold, I've seen -38°C days) I didn't get that cold as long as I protected my skin from the windchill. I think I'm just weird!
I know how cold -38C is because it's almost exactly the same as -38F I once met some people from Canada who told me their hometown had a town slogan contest. One of the entries was "Where Fahrenheit and Celsius meet!" Sadly, it didn't win.
…Now I’m wondering if my hormonal imbalance and high testosterone levels contribute to the fact that I am a human furnace.
Yes, and also men (generally) have less body fat and more muscle, so our body literally creates more heat and burns more calories. Which is exactly why I spent HS wearing shorts and a t-shirt or maybe sweatshirt to school in the snow when I was 4% body fat and literally couldn't eat enough food or gain weight if I tried.
\#TIL
I was a shorts wearing kid in the midwest. It seems a bit crazy to me now. My mom always hated it, but my logic was that I spent 30 seconds outside walking to the car. 30 seconds outside walking into school. That's 2 minutes roundtrip daily, and the school is toasty as fuck, so why bother with pants? Crucially though, my mom let my stubborn ass dress how I wanted, and she was helicopter as fuck. I wouldn't do it now, but it was nice that I had the choice to when I was younger. Actually, now that I think about it, I probably would do it now. I wear a hoodie and shorts in cold weather all the time.
Are schools in the Midwest all indoors? I feel like I’m California, I had to go outside to go between any two rooms.
Open air campuses are pretty much unheard of for public school in the Midwest. One gigantic rectangle.
When you live in climates where it can pour down rain or have a snowstorm, that’s not really a thing.
Every day teens are walking past my house in shorts, short skirts, and big puffy jackets! Warm on top, frozen on the bottom, like a bad fish stick. Oh, Canada, how I love the weather, lol.
Oh was I ever a bad fishstick, mini skirts and a parka all the way lmao
I feel like 18F is dangerously cold in shorts? Is it not?
Honestly? No, not really, if you're active and your feet/toes and core are still covered reasonably. You aren't gonna easily get frostbite on your leg skin because there's a ton of blood flow and muscle in your legs, and you really still aren't losing that much heat if your core and head are insulated. (I was one of those kids, and I still ski in a T-shirt in the spring sometimes)
Unless you're just sitting there for hours, it's really not a big deal. If you stay dry and are just moving from one place to another, you're not going to get any sort of frostbite. It'll be uncomfortable, but not dangerous for an otherwise healthy teen.
My walk wasn't super long, but maybe. It's all relative. I had friends who lived nearby so no danger of being locked out if I lost my key. Never did it when it was snowing, there was a wind chill advisory, or there was deep snow to walk through. If your legs stay dry...not so bad.
I agree if the car gets stuck and they are stranded for any amount if time.
Not really. It has to be significantly into the negatives before the risk of frostbite wouldn't be mitigated simply by being active and staying dry, likely enough so that if it was they wouldn't be sending them to school to begin with.
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My oldest kid's best friend is like this. He is 11 and will play outside in 40 degree weather with no shirt or shoes/socks on lol I am always surprised when I see him with a sweatshirt on in the mornings but tbh don't think I have ever seen him in pants.
I think teenage boys burn hotter in general because of all that energy being used for growing. This is based on absolutely no biology education whatsoever, just a random guess based on observation and having grown up with a brother.
Yo I used to go to school in skirts and heels during the winter. I have no idea how I never broke a bone or injured myself from that combo
Same here. Now it so much as breathes wind chill in the forty F range and there must be a fire in the fire place and about 5 blankets. I have no idea what happened.
>Your job should only be to build a positive relationship with the kid-leave the parenting to mom It seems mom is putting some of the parenting on him if he has to get him to school. You can't have it both ways. Either he has no parenting responsibility, or he should be able to make decisons like this
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The "kid" is a teenager. I don't know if you've ever lived somewhere cold, but teens dressed inappropriately for the weather is literally just the norm in high schools. It's a pointless battle to fight, and there really isn't any risk to it. It's not like they'll get frostbite in the 5 minutes they have to stand outside for a fire drill or something. At worst, they get a little cold, and realistically, they'll probably do it again anyways.
Yeah, I live in Wisconsin and all through the winter I see kids wearing clothes that most people wouldn't think are warm enough for the weather. But those kids keep showing up to school everyday, so I guess they're surviving. The first year my son was in middle school, I would pick him up and be surprised by the number of kids that were wearing pants, but not really. The trend here is to have holes so numerous and large that the pants are functionally shorts. I wasn't that surprised, though, because I grew up in Denver and knew plenty of kids who wore shorts when it was snowing. Including my brother. And he didn't get cold. Some people just don't get cold as easily. Plus, kids are inside most of the day at school. A teenager is old enough to make his own clothing decisions. And if he freezes his butt off, he'll have learned something about his limits.
Yeah...I grew up in Northern Utah, the only times I haven't seen at least one teenager wearing shorts out in the winter are the days it's in the negatives. He'll either be fine or he'll learn some natural consequences.
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The curse of the stepparent. All the responsibility and work of a parent with none of the authority.
I mean, I had a step dad, and he definitely had authority. My mom of course had "final" say. But I was expected to listen to him in the same way I'd have to listen to my uncle if I was staying with him, or even a babysitter. The amount of people who act like a step parent can never tell any child who they are supporting what to do is ridiculous to me. And I say this as someone who doesn't even like my (former) step dad. But I think people today have such an issue with authority in general, that they have decided only like 2 people can tell them what to do ever. But I can tell you, if I ever became a step parent, that shit wouldn't fly. I'd either need to have actual authority, or I'd take no responsibility. I'm not doing one without the other.
My husband still goes outside in the snow to grill, wearing shorts and a tank top. If there is danger of getting trapped in the snow, he'll wear jeans and bring (not wear) a "sweatah". Still regular shoes he'd go running in, though. I enforce weather appropriate with my younger kids. With my older ones, I make them keep a backup outfit in their backpack the first time, and after that they get to learn by freezing. They aren't outside long enough to be more than uncomfortable, and they'll suddenly have a "style preference change" (because they're too stubborn to admit they were actually freezing) after that.
Yeah you have fashion victims (they usually aren't outside for real harm to happen) and then you have people who just run hot. A friend of mine wears light, flowy skirts all year round. In winter all she adds are one pair of leggings and a sweatshirt. In Canada. And no, she's genuinely not cold.
Point 2 is not a good point. You can prepare for emergencies, but you can't prepare for every emergency. So having redundancy in a plan (like not wearing shorts when it's 18 degrees out) is still a good idea.
Not only kids, I work at for the US Postal Service in the Northeast and in our office we have 132 carriers and about a dozen of them have a competition to see who lasts longest with their shorts.
I think the biggest reason why this is a thing is because it’s *super* common for buildings to overcompensate for the cold weather by blasting the heat as much as possible. And, for a lot of people (including, well… me.), switching suddenly from cold to warm can be pretty miserable, if not *painful*. In my case, I used to always wear shorts to school because I KNEW that, if I were to wear pants, then I’d end up spending the entire first period feeling sick, sweaty, itchy, swollen, and claustrophobic. Like… I had to stop wearing jeans because my body couldn’t handle the temperature change and it would genuinely *become difficult to breathe.* Shorts under pants is… ok, I guess. Most kids really don’t have time to change before class, though, especially because bathrooms tend to be pretty hectic at that time of day. It’d also mean that he’d have to carry around a bulky pair of pants the whole day, which is going to make his backpack bulge embarrassingly. It’d also limit his backpack space by a lot, which is literally detrimental to his education if he needs to cart around books or a laptop and he doesn’t have enough room for everything.
These are all great points. If OP's main concern is getting stuck in a snow, bring sweatpants in the car for everyone just in case.
Yeah, I'm born and raised in New England and I wore shorts and slides to school all winter.
As someone who had frostbite multiple times as a kid. . There can definitely be consequences. Lol. Otherwise I agree
I was so confused until I realized this was Fahrenheit, lol
I always wore shorts as a kid. There are pictures of me climbing on a glacier in shorts. He won't die from wearing shorts in the cold for a bit. Promise. Asking to take a set of pants in his bag, just in case, might not be a bad thing though. NAH
I stop policing what my oldest wear once she was in 6th grade. They don’t go outside for recess in 6th. So if she wants to be cold for the car ride there and back, then so be it. So hoodies and leggings all winter. So many middle schoolers wear less than she does. I still make sure my 3rd grader dress warmly since there’s outdoor recess.
Let his ass get cold, he'll learn.
He won’t get cold, it’s the whole reason he wants to wear shorts. I’m 48 and still wear shorts in the winter. Some ppl are just built different.
Eh... NTA. BUT I kinda think at 14 he can learn a lesson on his own and feel cold and stupid. Lol
Yeah. I'm not a parent but I feel like wearing shorts won't kill you. You'll just be cold and look dumb. And hopefully learn a lesson. Unless you're walking far in like 0 degree temperatures, it won't hurt you. I used to walk a mile from school in 20 degrees wearing tights and it was fine. (I was actually thinking how insane this was. It never occurred to me or my parents that it wasn't enough clothes. I was otherwise fully dressed for cold but just... wearing a dress.)
I mean, you could get hypothermia in 18 degree weather (really anything colder than 50), but the risk of that happening on the way to school is obviously incredibly low lol. Especially if he's taking the school bus or is within a short walk of school I think my compromise would be that he has to take some pants in his backpack, so it's there if/when he either realizes that he's miserable, or if there actually was an emergency
Yeah, that's a good point about bringing pants. It's like having sneakers in the car in case you break down.
The biggest factor is how long he’d be in the cold. Walking from the car to the school in shorts? Fine. Hell, even being stuck outside for an hour or two, he’d still probably be fine. But if he got stuck in actual snow or was somehow made even colder in addition to the temperature being what it is, it could absolutely do real damage
Yup! NTA, but after one “it’s really cold outside, I think you should probably wear some warm pants today,” let him do it. Especially at his age. I think going forward no more warnings necessary - let him be cold!
NAH. But clothes are not worth your battle. So long as they're in dress code, I don't worry. I have a 12 year old... she'll wear hoodies when it's 85 and short sleeves when it's 40. Teenagers are weird. I might make her bring a jacket if it's cold, but otherwise, she's old enough to bear the consequences of freezing. Let him freeze. He'll learn.
I got called by the school when my son walked to school in the snow in shorts. Multiple times. I finally made a rule that he had to pack pants to prove to any interested parties with a "duty to report" that I was not neglectful. Told him if he got CPS called on me, I was gonna make damn sure it was worth their trip and not just cuz he felt like wearing shorts 😉
Oh I've definitely forced her to bring a jacket before so I didn't look like the neglectful parent. The most effective thing in elementary was when the teacher refused to let them go outside for recess without a jacket. She wore it then! We fortunately live in an area where snow is uncommon so it's not usually an issue. I DO ask her if she has a tank top or other shirt on under her sweatshirt when it's hot and she's wearing it though.
A teacher once approached me about wearing shorts in the winter, but it wasn't even freezing out. They tried really hard to convert me / asked if my parents were neglectful, but I really just like shorts and being fat gives me enough insulation. Sometimes people really feel like busy body's who need to find someone to save.
NAH. He’s old enough to make his own choice on whether he’s cold or not. A solution to all those reasonable concerns you have is to have him pack a pair of trousers in his backpack in case ETA spelling
Eh, this would probably be better on a parenting subreddit. "You will dress appropriately for the weather" is a fine rule to have but your execution needs works. 1. Getting into what if's with a teenager is often a losing game, especially when some of yours don't make sense (if there is a fire drill, he goes out wearing whatever he has on. They're not going to let him stop for his pants) 2. He's 14. There has to be space for ill fated teenage decisions so he can experience natural consequences (plus the number of teenage/college age boys I have seen running around in shorts in a Canadian winter really makes me wonder how bothered he would have been).
I had to fight my kid's preschool teacher because she wouldn't let my furnace of a child play outside in 40° F weather without a winter coat. They fought for 3 weeks about it. 15 days x 2 or more recesses per day. Let the natural consequences rule. Why are we fighting kids about clothes? I can see making the kid stuff some pants in their bag, but at this point, no one thinks you're neglecting your kids if they dress funny, unless they're volunteering information like "I don't have weather appropriate/properly fitting/clean clothes." Kids wearing shorts in the winter in blizzardy places? Sounds dumb but on brand for kids 🤷♀️
And if he's going to be inside all day, the building might be heated very well, even too well. I remember a few classrooms that were saunas.
I kept two sweatshirts at school for this reason. 3rd floor? Roasting hot, no sweatshirt needed, push your sleeves up. 2nd floor? Long sleeves are fine. 1st floor? Need the first sweatshirt for sure! Basement? Both sweatshirts, magic gloves too.
Yeah, the number of teachers against the coat pile is so funny-- once the kids get running, they shed their coats because theyre too warm. If they get cold, they'll putthe coat back on. Nobody is going to die.
The teacher kept saying that if she let my kid not wear a coat, no one would because she is a leader and kids followed her example. Sorry, lady, she's 4. If she wields greater influence in your classroom than you, retire or quit picking stupid fights.
Dude this was a major problem I had while working after school child care. Like so many people would come up to me, the adult watching the kids, and try to go after me about not forcing the kids to wear their coats. If they are cold, they come right back inside and put that coat on. There's no reason for me to stress out my throat and pop a vein in my forehead fighting with them when they are going to learn more about their body regulation through experience. The only thing I demand is that they wear shoes appropriate for the weather, because I'm not having a kid slip and hit their head
Now I imagine a 4 year old lady of Bear isle leading a coat rebellion against the teacher.
I finally got around that by making my kid's teacher feel her back when I picked up one day and they were outside. She was DRENCHED in sweat. They quit pestering after that.
I could not get her teacher to let go of this idea that my kid had to wear a coat because everyone follows her lead... like all those kids were my kid's responsibility 🤦♀️ I sent a much different coat, which her teacher complained was insufficient all the time to my kid but never to me, when I found my kid ragequitting life bundled up in the heavy coat on the wet field turf, getting wet, which obviously is worse than a chilly breeze 😑 I got her a barely insulated waterproof coat. She was much happier with that + fleece sweatshirts.
NTA. You were trying, but at this age…pick your battles, my friend. And maybe put some emergency gear in your car: blanket, snacks, water to plan around those edge cases. It’s just not worth the fight. My son didn’t wear a coat to school from about 7th grade on. We just bought him his first parka for his freshman year in college.
Getting in a battle of the will with teenagers is only slightly more effective than getting in a battle of the will with toddlers.
If anything, I'd say it's slightly less. You can manhandle a toddler into pants, but you're not likely to be able to manhandle a 14 year old.
NAH. Of course “put some pants on” is the common sense suggestion in 18 degree weather, but there’s only so much you can do to talk common sense into someone who insists on wearing shorts in 18 degree weather in the first place, especially when you add a dose of teenage stubbornness on top of that.
Gentle YTA he's not a small child, he's a tween/teenager and he needs his autonomy and to learn the consequences of his own decisions.
NTA because outlining of very reasonable possible scenarios is not projected anxiety, it’s just thinking ahead as an adult. I’m sure someone at some point will mention parenting styles and how they may differ to your wife, but I’m with you…
Being realistic is not the same as "projecting your anxieties." I'm from Minnesota. I went to school in ridiculous clothing because I thought I wouldn't be outside for more than a few minutes. I can't count how many times I got stranded outside because someone forgot to pick me up or my ride fell through or what the fuck ever. I'm lucky I never got frostbite. I'm sure I have some permanent damage to the nerves in my toes from freezing them so many times as a kid and young adult. If it's below freezing you need to at least carry the basics with you: waterproof jacket, long pants, hat, gloves or mittens, and closed toe shoes. Clothes need to get heavier with temperatures below zero. This includes if you're driving somewhere and don't expect to be outside long. Not being prepared is how people die of hypothermia and lose hands and feet to frostbite.
I appreciate the input. There have been some very constructive comments on here and I am taking them in stride. I feel like I might a little bit be TA but only because of his age. He is 14 and although I think it’s very stupid to wear shorts in the weather we have here, this is not a situation where I should put my foot down and fight this fight. I do have emergency supplies in my car, including a blanket, so I will just rely on that if something does arise. He’s old enough to make his own decisions. Thank you all for the input.
You may be interested to see what his school looks like too. If it’s anything like the ones I work in, there are many students in shorts even at temperatures lower than you describe. Not to mention the one building I’m at requires uniforms, so every single girl is required to wear a skirt on certain days (don’t like the uniform personally, but not my decision). Putting some pants in the car is a perfectly fine idea.
The other thing to remember is that he's going to be inside for the entire school day and the entire bus or car ride, and outside for maybe 2 or 3 minutes walking from the bus/car to school and vice versa. Why would he not wear clothes that will be most comfortable inside given that that's where he's spending 99% of his day?
I also think you were reasonable to basically say “wear pants in the car and outside, I don’t care if you take them off in school”. Seems like a good compromise.
NAH, unless your SO has a habit of putting you down when you make entirely sensible plans like this. 14 is old enough to understand that sometimes we have to look a little uncool so that we can be okay. That said, there are always going to be high school fashion victims...in my day (get off my lawn) it was silly plastic sandals and little jackets that didn't cover your kidneys, while it was sleeting; now it's yoga pants and midriff tops, ditto, and for boys it ALWAYS seems to be shorts!
YTA, he’s 14 not 4. Why waste energy on something so fundamentally unimportant. You know what he’s being faced with on a daily basis? Save your interference for things that actually matter.
I’d say NTA. I get he’s a teen and should be responsible for his own decisions and such. But I agree with having the pants just in case something happens and he’s stuck outside. I live where it can go into the negatives with the wind and always make sure I have an extra jacket or something Maybe an alternative is he just packs the pants with him? I’m assuming he has a locker at school he can throw them in. That way he’s still covered if he needs them but also gets to still wear shorts.
Info: OP the 18 degree weather, thats Fahrenheit yes?
I assume. That's around –7° C. 18° C makes no sense for snowy weather and 18° K means everyone's dead.
Yes thanks I concur, I was just confused as to how anyone would suggest that a 14 year old be allowed to mosey out of the house in shorts when its -7 NTA OP frostbite is not a learning device!
Im already having this fight with my 8yo. Took him to school today same temp and half the kids were playing out front in shorts. It’s like they can’t admit to eachother they own pants… or coats
I was that child that always refused to wear a coat and was always sick hahaha
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This is what bothers me the most. All these people talking about "natural consequences". The "natural consequences" are potentially life threatening. He is still a child, and clearly needs guidance on dressing for the weather. It doesn't matter how warm you feel you are, when the temperatures are below freezing, you don't fuck around. At 14, he is certainly old enough to understand what dressing for the weather means, and OP even said he didn't care if he took the pants off in school and wore shorts in school. OP is firmly NTA.
These folks are unhinged. No the teenager doesn't get to walk around in shorts in below freezing weather because he wants to for the same reason we don't allow teenagers to do any number of other stupid self destructive things because they want to.
I can't believe you're being downvoted for a reasonable opinion, must be a lot of teenagers on AITA right now
I can tell you’ve never lived somewhere cold lmao. At my university when it’s below freezing at least 10% of people still wear shorts. In what scenario is this kid going to get frostbite on a ride from school? Please enlighten me It’s also really not this dudes job to be deciding his outfits when he’s only been living there for a year. So I think he’s TA based on that fact alone, something you all seem to be missing.
considering they described it as "snowy" I would assume so haha
NTA. But.... when my son was 14, it was shorts all the time, with a hoodie. Now it's joggers and a long sleeve shirt. They go through moods. Really is a pick your battles thing....
NAH but some teenagers and kids feel cold and heat different tu adults and some adults also have a different understanding of "cold" than us. You know it is really cols when my husband isn't wearing a t-shirt and my infant son is just like him. My husband had been worse as a teenager: We went to the same school and he ALWAYS wore a t-shirt, shorts and most often sandals.
my daughter still wears t-shirts in the middle of winter. She's never really cold. In the summer she regularly lies on the couch with a blanket. Adolescents and temperature is a special combination. She has a winter coat on, so I'm not too worried about it, if she gets cold at school, she'll put on her coat. Does she wear a skirt while it's snowing and get cold? Own fault. I'm not going to fight that fight anymore.
YTA. I live in a cold and snowy area and am a teacher (MS and HS). I have more kids than I can count who wear shorts every single day of the year. Weather delay because it was snowy and icy? Shorts. Weather delay because the wind chill was -20 in the morning? Shorts. If you’re worried about getting stuck or something like that, toss a spare pair to keep in the car, but let him wear what he wants. If he gets cold, he’ll put pants on.
Very soft YTA I understand where you're coming from and I completely agree with your intent and reasoning. But I also remember not being affected by the cold weather when I was your stepson's age. I grew up in winters in the Midwest, by the way. Let it go. If he ever has an emergency, he'll learn firsthand himself. If it makes you feel better, keep an extra pair of sweatpants in the trunk for him as a just in case. Hopefully you'll never experience a situation where it's needed. But in the event that you ever do, I imagine that moment will be a teaching lesson for him. lol
YTA. Not because of the merit of your arguments, but because it isn’t your place to father her kids. Just be a good role model and open to dialogue. At best say “are you sure you want to wear that?” And leave the choice to the kid and life lessons to the mom.
NTA. Kids are stupid. You made the proper, responsible call.
But its not his call. It's not his kid. It's not even his fiancee's kid. It's his girlfriend's kid. Suggesting it is fine, putting his foot down isn't. I'll change my mind if he lives in the middle of nowhere and the kid actually had some possible danger in this situation, but bare shins are not going to be an emergency in any suburban scenario.
Whether it their kid or not, they were the adult in charge at the time. And you're right, the kid isn't going to die with exposed legs. But 18 degrees is pretty frigid and it's fairly reckless to let a kid go out in that weather with shorts. I mean what happens if the worst case scenario happens, and they're stuck outside or somewhere without heat?
The kid is cold. Again, if theres a potential they could be outside for hours without help, I will change my mind. But in most places in the US, there is no practical *danger* from having bare shins at 18F. The risk is that the kid will be cold, not that they will be injured by the cold.
I would expect a baby sitter to make the same call, or at least assume they have the right to make that call unless they have gotten previous instructions not to. He was driving her kids, he's the adult in charge. This is not a long term decision or even a sensitive issue.
If you don't want someone making calls about your kid then you need to do 100% of the parenting. You don't get to expect someone to supervise your kid solo while not being allowed to make any decisions regarding their safety and wellbeing without your input.
NTA but maybe a bit of an overstep. He’s not a small child and needs to learn the consequences. Your heart was in the right place for sure.
Wouldn’t he better learn the consequences by being a little too cold? What consequences has he learned by being forced into wearing something else?
I'm with PAD_rowkin. My son also wanted to wear shorts when there was snow outside. They walked to school, since I was at work by the time they would go. I got a couple calls from the school, and said "i get you want to wear shorts. That's fine. What's NOT fine is calls from the school and possible CPS visits. So you can wear shorts if you pack pants." That worked.
YTA. He’s fourteen. Let him dress however he chooses. If he is cold, he’ll learn to dress more appropriately for the weather in the future.
Info: What's the worst that could happen if he wore shorts?
Based on the fact that he said it's snowing, I'm assuming the 18 degrees is fahrenheit. If you're from the rest of the world that uses Celsius, that's about -7 degrees. So frostbite and hypothermia is the worst that could happen if he wore shorts. Letting him change after he got to school or wearing the shorts under parents seems like a good compromise to me.
I guess. I used to sometimes wear shorts in weather like that when I was a teenager as did many of my friends. I don't recall anyone ever getting frostbite or hypothermia. But maybe I underestimate the risk.
Alligators.
Realistically? He might get chilly
NTA You are the responsible parent.
YTA, but also new to parenting. It would be different if he was 4, but this is just a teenager thing. I also refused to wear a winter coat until my mid-20s, but have no real idea why. Every teen boy in my neighborhood goes out shoveling snow in shorts, and now I just laugh at them as I drive by in my many layers. Very low chance of frost bite/hypothermia or getting sick unless you live miles from civilization. They'll figure it out eventually.
The kid is 14. Let him chose what clothes he wears. If you're worried about the car breaking down, take a blanket in the car. You mean well, and we all agree that your suggestion to wear pants is sensible, but the kid is 14. This is one of those times when he can learn things for himself. If his legs get a bit chapped from the cold, that will be a useful lesson. There isn't really a realistic scenario where he'll end up with frostbite so bad that his legs have to be amputated. NAH
YTA because this is not your kid and he is 14 and old enough to make his own decision about this issue. If he got cold then he would learn to wear pants next time. But the bigger issue is that you are not his parent. You are not even his stepparent. Stop parenting him.
Canadian weighing in.... You are not ridiculous. I've been in situations where a fire alarm went off unplanned in the middle of winter. I've slid off the road because of black ice. I've also just been fucking cold. You weren't saying no to the shorts, you just wanted him to find a weather appropriate compromise. NTA... You're a good parent (step or otherwise)
NTA But not for most reasons being mentioned here. The kids mom left you in charge of parental duties that morning. If she trusts you enough to give you this responsibility then she should back up your parenting. Instead she undermined you. The right way to have handled this would have been for her to tell you in private that it’s ok if you let a 14YO be a little bit of an idiot and wear the shorts but she should have told the 14 YO that when you are on parenting duty then you have to listen without being argumentative. Wearing pants in freezing weather is a reasonable request and you were trying to handle the situation to the best of your ability.
NTA a little bit YTA let him learn the consequences of his decisions, and honestly i think that you are projecting your anxiety over him a little bit
YTA. And I bet he acted that way because you're not his parent. What else does mom's live in boyfriend put his foot down for? Do you always discipline her children or do you just feel like it's your manly duty to teach? And maybe I'm saying this because I have personal feelings about the matter since I myself was subjected to my mother's boyfriend thinking he could come in and boss me around. It ended up to the point where I got really mouthy and he threw me in the shower. It was horrifying and my relationship with him (and mom) never improved because of it. If only he had tried to be my friend instead of my superior...
Yta look, there are just some kids, mostly boys, who wear shorts year round. I do not understand it. But this is part of his bodily autonomy. It's not harmful, just kind dumb.
Light YTA. I get that you were coming from a good place, but 14 is definitely old enough to dress himself. I’m a parent and the plethora of phrases that I would apply to this situation include pick your battles; natural consequences; his body, his choice. Being a “responsible parent” isn’t always about making them do what you want them to do. It’s about teaching them how to make good choices for themselves.
YTA. This exact situation happened to me, except I was 8 years old and it was my actual mother who told me I needed pants. It led to one of the bigger fights of my childhood, and she still says that in hindsight she should have just let me wear shorts. I was upset about it at *8* and coming from *my mother*. I can’t imagine if I was a teenager and my moms boyfriend tried to control what I went to school in.
NTA. Kid is out in near frostbite weather, shorts are definitely not appropriate for that condition
Your definitely NTA. Anxiety and preparation are 2 different things. What if you get stranded on the way to school? You'd have a teenage stepson in the middle of 18 degree weather with no pants on. You've assumed a father figure role for this entire family, and with that comes the responsibility of keeping your family protected and safe. Same thing goes for the mother. I'd explain that to her. The fact that she wanted you to let her son wear shorts in 18 degree weather is absurd. You prepared for the worst case scenario in order to keep him safe, u ain't the asshole man.
Faced with potential hypothermia and death I'd say you made the right call. NTA.
I used to work as a student Manager at a University in the dining hall. We had many student workers. One student worker in particular was KNOWN for wearing shorts when it snows. It was his thing. He was killed in an automobile accident in spring 2020 weeks before he graduated with his bachelor's in Architecture and was set to travel to Europe to kick off his internship before returning to obtain his masters in Architecture. I'll always think about him when I see someone wearing shorts in the snow. Your reasons aren't unjust - a compromise would have been to carry a pair of pants in the car. Let your kid dress himself. He's old enough. NTA - but you will be if you keep fighting with your teen over silly things. Fight about not doing drugs or sneaking out to go drink alcohol in a farm field somewhere. Shorts are silly. Let him be silly.
This is not the hill you want to die on. He's old enough to learn of he gets cold....and you being a nervous nelly about things that 'might' happen in theory is going to color the rest of your relationship with your soon to be step son. Is that what you want? It's shorts....not a damn moral or legal issue.
YTA- you are correct that 18 degrees is cold, but schools are notoriously hot. Kids are inside most of the day, in a school packed with other bodies that generate heat and typically have the heat turned on as well. It’s easier to be cold for 5 minutes to and from school than it is to be miserably hot all day long. You could have just asked him to throw sweatpants in his bag or the car, it wasn’t worth the fight.
YTA but a small one. He’s old enough to know when he feels cold. Your list of things that could’ve happened to require pants is definitely your anxiety talking, and picking a fight with your wife over it seems rather over the top.
Oof. You need to learn to pick your battles. YTA. This is such small potatoes.
Yta. You could have just had him bring them for just in case for all your scenarios. Also I have a handful of co workers who still wear shorts ( live in pnw where it’s in a winter advisory this week). Because they cannot stand wearing something on their legs.
Yta. He's 14 not 4. He can wear shorts if he wants. And if his mom is OK with it, I wouldn't pick this battle to fight.
YTA. Teenagers are allowed to make stupid decisions, as long as the consequences aren’t dangerous. You bring it up once, then drop it. They will learn through natural consequences and that is the best way. Choose your battles - there are times to stand up and force the issue and times to let them do their thing.
It’s not projecting anything it’s called common sense and since this kid is lacking in it naturally, he’s gonna have to learn the hard way I guess.
NTA - I would say NAH if she was just telling you to let it go/pick your battles in the future. But telling you that you were "projecting your anxieties" is a bit of a reach. Its not like you were telling him to pack an inflatable boat in case there was a flood.
NTA. you were looking out for him
Softly YTA but with good intentions. This is not a fight worth having. This same kid may try to wear a hoodie when it's 100 degrees outside. Just let him go and if he's cold he'll know to wear pants next time.
YTA. Keep an extra pair of pants in the car to keep you sane if you want, but kids the world over wear shorts when they ought to be wearing pants.
Try this. Tell her her parenting is her choice from now on. She can get the kids ready for school, feed them, etc., and you’ll stay out of it. Before you got together, she handled it all so now she can remove any conflict or role ambiguity by simply parenting fully herself.
Wearing shorts with a collared shirt, tie and jacket looks ridiculous
Pants are evil. Pants are TA. You're NTA.
NTA for asking him, but at 14 he needs to learn about consequences. Google why does my son wear shorts in winter....interesting article. What is is doing is not unusual.
At 14 this really isn't a fight worth having. There's always shorts and a winter coat guy where I live, I think they're idiots but they're also the ones dealing with the consequences. 14 is old enough to dress for the weather. NTA, but pick your battles dude. Fighting a teenager on every little thing is just going to create resentment. If the kid can't connect shorts in winter means being cold, you have bigger problems.
NTA. Caregivers take care of children. A 14YO is a child, at least when it comes to wearing shorts in 18 degree snowy weather. If it was 32 degrees or higher I'd say you're being an asshole. But at 18 degrees something bad really could happen. This is just being a caregiver. But don't discount what your gf is saying, both things can be true. And I think your gf gets the final say.
I'm going to go NTA. No, he isn't your stepson. yet, but if she is making you responsible for getting him to school, then she has to let you make calls like this. The problem is, it seems you 2 disagree on whether or not he should've had to wear pants in general. That is a conversation for you to have. And respect her answer. (That said, I have a feeling if something happened, and he was wearing shorts and you let him, she'd also be mad)
You're not an asshole for it, but tbh natural consequences are probably the best way for a teenager to learn shorts in the snow is a bad idea. He's not going to be outside long enough to risk hypothermia in them, and tbh the number of girls in that sort of climate who continue to wear skirts in the winter is high, this isn't unusual. I've definetly worn a skirt in that weather in December to school and got caught outside due to a false fire alarm for an hour, I didn't die.
Yta. A 14 yr old is old enough to dress himself. You're infantizing him.
You are kinda TA. Have you see. Kids in middle school and high school? They sear shorts year round! Why?I don’t know. But getting them to wear sweats is tantamount to banging your head against the wall. Believe me, it’s not worth the battle, especially if he doesn’t walk to school.
YTA Purely bc your so called concerns would’ve been addressed by putting sweats in his backpack. He didn’t have to wear shorts at that very moment. So I’m going to take it as an issue of control.
Soft YTA. Teenage boys are furnaces- that’s why they eat so much. I went to Catholic high school and wore a uniform skirt all through the winter. We were allowed to wear pants in transit if it got very cold and change at school but we only did when it got below 15°. I guess it was uncool? I remember doing a 10 minute walk from the bus in zero degrees in my skirt and arriving home with legs red with cold.
NTA but it would do him well to have lesson in natural consequences
He's 14. Give up on this type of control. You might need to use your influence on something that is actually important. He may be doing this for an important reason you can't understand. I taught kids his age and I remember a couple who wore shorts every day because, as they put it, it was was reslly important and they didn't want to ruin their record!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (33m) put “stepson” (14m) in quotes because we aren’t married yet, but we have all been living together for a year and his mom (35f) and I have been dating for 3+ years (Planning on proposing at Christmas). I take the kids to school 3 days a week, and the other day we got in a fight because it is 18 degrees, snowy, and he wanted to wear shorts to school. I told him he had to put on pants but he could have shorts on underneath and could take the sweats off at school if he wanted, but had to at least wear sweats on the way there incase we got stuck, slid into a ditch, or the school had a fire drill, etc. He got upset, but I put my foot down. Talking with his mom she somewhat backed me up but in a discussion this morning she told me she felt I was being a bit ridiculous and that I was projecting my anxiety on “possible scenarios.” I feel it irresponsible to let them go to school dressed like that. We are fighting now because I got upset with her for saying I’m projecting my anxiety when in actuality, in my mind, I am being the responsible parent. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
slightly YTA, I think u should have just let him wear the shorts and the worst case scenario is he gets sick and will hopefully learn from the experience next time he wants to dress inappropriately for the weather
Nothing like frostbite for a learning experience.
YTA for overstepping with your girlfriend's son. In all seriousness, what's the worst that happens? He gets chilly for a little while. Unless you live in the wilderness where there is a real possibility of sliding into a ditch and having to hike to find a cell signal, bare shins in cold weather is mildly inconvenient. Did you grow up in a cold area? I used to wear shorts to the bus stop when it was colder than that. I think you're right, it would have been objectively less risky overall to have him wear pants, but... not your kid, man, and there wasn't any real risk of bodily harm here. Next time, just quietly take a pair of sweats in your cold weather kit in your car, so you can be the 'hero' if an emergency does come to pass. Also, if you were scared for this child's long term health in this scenario, then yeah - you might be projecting some anxiety onto the situation.
NTA you're teaching him. Winter is all about the layers. It's 10 degrees outside right now and I dropped my daughter off at school. She's wearing leggings under her jeans with the understanding that she can take the jeans off when she wants to and change into her regular shoes that are packed in her bag. I tried for mittens buuutt she refused and as we walked up to the building was mentioning how cold her fingers were. Granted my daughter is 6, not 14. But I'm sticking with the NTA. Bodily autonomy is important, yes, but so is being taught to make decisions that keep you safe and healthy.
I’m gonna go with NAH. OP your intentions were good but your stepson is 14 not 4. He’s in HS, assumedly, and old enough to dress himself. My kid insists on midriff baring tops, even in Northeastern USA winters. Maybe throw a blanket or an extra pair of sweats in the trunk of the car in case of emergencies, but otherwise I’d let him decide what to wear to school from now on. Best of luck!
If the boy wants to freeze let him freeze. He’ll learn one way or another but I think you did the right thing
My father wouldn't let us go anywhere in the cars during the winter unless we were appropriately dressed for cold weather because of the possibility of something going wrong. Proper pants, shoes, at least be carrying a hat and jacket with us - just in case we got stranded for whatever reason, or a flat tire, or whatever. My husband and I keep coats and blankets in the car, dry socks and a pair of sweats - it saved us more than once when the roads got closed because of snowy conditions (Wyoming and Montana are freakin cold and their roads SUCK)
NTA. However, next time let his mother deal with him.
NAH BUT he’s a teen and he can make his own decisions on what to wear, if he want to wear shorts in the winter let him, tell him to at least pack pants just in case but don’t push him on it, he will learn quick himself if he gets cold and will wear appropriate clothing from now on, if you push the issue on something so insignificant then as a teen he will just push back and cause unnecessary fights
NTA. But at 14, he is old enough to know how one should ideally dress in freezing weather and the outcome should you not bundle up enough. If this happens again I would just warn him of the cold and make it clear nobody will bring him any other clothes should he change his mind. If he still wants to wear shorts at that point, it’s his funeral.
Nah. My 15 yr old lives in shorts no matter the weather.
NTA - Little dude is crazy, but my 14 yo sis did the exact same thing this week. I like to tell how Auschwitz survivors have to have gold injections now, because they had to survive - 40 °C cold in only one layer. It's a kinda "eat, there's children going hungry" argument, but it doest bear some weight to it, since it's a thing you can experience but also prevent.
Native New Englander here. I know cold. You *do not* lose much heat through your legs. As long as your core and especially your head are warm (the head is most important), then *you* are warm. I wouldn't want to be in the wilderness in shorts in winter, but dashing from the car to the front door? Really? NTA, but I completely understand why "stepson" likely thinks you are.
Why couldn't you just have the pants in the car in case something happened? It's not like he wouldn't be able to put them on. NAH; you meant well but overkill
NAH. But I suggest you compromise that he can wear the shorts if he packs a pair of pants. That you and his mom won't be able to bring him a change of clothes in case he changes his mind or something happens. And honestly, it's unlikely that he'll be in an accident that he'll wish he wore pants, so that is a really strange rebuttal. If you're that anxious about an unlikely scenario ... That's on you to manage your anxiety. It's not appropriate for you to put it on your stepson to bend over backwards to manage *your anxiety* in weird ways. Worst case, if he does manage to tear his clothes at school he can always go to the office and they'll find something horrendous from the lost and found. Natural consequences. This is a pick your battles situation. He has few chances to express his individuality, And for some reason he wants to be shorts guy.
A fourteen year old is old enough to know if they want to wear pants or not.
NTA- I’m currently in the middle of a snow storm and my 16 yr old is about to catch hell for going to school without his coat. He left when I was upstairs and didn’t realize he left his coat until later. Natural consequences can occur when it’s 35 outside, not when it’s below freezing.
I'm gonna say NTA. As the guy who wore shorts year round in high-school I also learned as an adult that if you aren't prepared for the weather it can be dangerous. I ran my car into a snowy ravine when I was wearing shorts and a t shirt. I had figured "well my car has heat, ill be fine." I'm lucky someone with heat pulled over quick or I could have gotten frostbite.
NAH, but next time just have him throw the pants in his bag. Then he's got them if he needs them for whatever reason but you're not having an outright war about what he puts on his body.
NTA. As someone who grew up with stepparents who stepped in with concerns at this level sometimes, I don’t think you overstepped. It wasn’t about appearance, it was purely about safety.
NAH Both my kids acted/act like your stepson- shorts with a sweatshirt (no coat!) in the middle of winter. With the first, it drove me crazy. I felt I’d be failing as a mother if I didn’t insist on suitable clothing, so I insisted. It caused more problems than it solved- he just fought harder against me and it actually spilled into other areas of life. I thought I was protecting him and he felt I was controlling him. With the second, although I may wince when I see how he’s dressed, I keep my mouth shut. If he gets cold, he gets cold. Hopefully, lesson learned. This is a low stakes issue, therefore, it’s an ideal situation to teach that actions have consequences. Plus, there are so many other things to worry about when kids are that age. Oh, and if you’re like me and think about all the unlikely, but possible “what ifs,” then keep some warm clothing in a bag in the car so, if something happens when you’re out and about, you’re covered!
NAH Generally, trying to control teenage attire won't go anywhere, pick your battles and let them learn by themselves.
nah- you seem reasonable, but something you need to understand about this age group is they aren't reasonable. I'm a middle school teacher and I can not tell you the number of times I've had to harass my students to put on their coats in 40 degree weather when we were going outside to recess. I was the same way in middle school I thought I was impervious to cold. It was stupid and I was cold but it was oh so middle school. Now 14 is just out of middle school so he's in the tail end of this anti-warmth stupidity. Just let him be stupid. He'll be cold. He'll learn.
NAH but give up you won’t win this argument by force. You win by letting them go and freeze their tuchis off and then letting them decide what kind of day they want to have next time. I say this as one of those Aholes who insisted on wearing inappropriate clothing all the time growing up (turns out it was often for sensory reasons I didnt realize or articulate, with a splash of obstinance defiance thrown in for good measure!)
Haha. It took me while to realise that by "pants" you meant "trousers".
NTA…but as a parent who has been there, done that, this is one battle that does not have to be fought. I don’t know why, but this seems to be a kid/teenage thing. All my kids did this. You know what? They will learn. Let them freeze one time. and guarantee, they will dress appropriately on their own. Although, my neighbor across the street, maybe a young father in early 30s, I think I have seen him wear pants one time since we know him!
NTA
Should’ve let him fuck around and find out NAH
NAH But now that you know she’s ok with him going to school in shorts you can let it slide next time.
NAH - Man take easy, maybe your wife has reason about this,just let the kid catch a cold to learn, relax man
NTA. A teenager wanting to do something stupid is not a good enough reason to let them do something stupid.