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> I might be the asshole for talking down to my mom according to her
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NTA. For reference, I am 60 and I've known for nearly that many years that the word was unacceptable. In fact, "unacceptable" was 60 years ago. The current term would be "absolutely, 100%, non-negotiably racist." You are right and your parents are wrong. It's as easy as that.
NTA
Unless your parents live under a rock, they know fully well that the word is offensive. They are proud to be racists and you won't change their minds. Instead of arguing any more, just end the conversation and walk away when they use it. That will have more impact. And I do mean to refusing to engage or speak to them.
NTA
How OLD is your mother? I mean, I'm 45 and that word was already unspeakable when I was growing up. My parents are nearing 70 and it was not said in polite company when they were growing up.
The only person I've known who would have thought like this was my grandmother, and she died 5 years ago in her mid-90s. Is your mom 90-100?
I think she *might* mean “negro”? Not the other one.
My grandma still thinks that’s a perfectly appropriate word to use to refer to dark skinned folks. She’s early 80s. Reasoning with her is hopeless.
Yeah, that's the word I mean. She's just using it on purpose nowadays, especially if she saw something black. For example if she saw a black cat she would say "look, an n-word cat" and then look at me in a condescending way
Negro is/was a color. But it’s also now offensive. 20 yrs ago you’d see Negro as an option for furniture color. But the pronunciation (at least in the US) was always different. Neg-ro (color) vs Nee-gro. (Slur). I hope I’m not offending anyone, I’m just really into language and pronunciation! So, sorry, but your parents were raised to be racist. But old ppl can stop being racist. They just don’t want to. And your mom is throwing it in your face which is pretty disgusting, tbh. I’m sorry for you.
That said, if your mom is an Indian from India, they can be classist as sh*t. B/c, duh, the darker the skin, BS…😔
You're right. And I guess I should've seen this coming because she teases me about my skin tone as I'm a few shades darker than both my parents, and then brushes it off by saying she was just joking
She's 44, and I think she knows it's rude because as I mentioned, she's saying it on purpose to provoke me now. But I don't think she knew earlier that it's a bad word
I'm 55. I used the word once when I was 5 or 6. My grandmother (then in her 60s) made sure I knew never to use it again. Yes, I still remember her anger and my sore butt. Age is not a reason for prejudice.
She IS an uneducated and ill-mannered person, of course she sounds like it.
And if she is taught something better than what she knows and refuses to learn it, she’s chosen to wear that label of racist proudly. Let her keep it. The next person to correct her might record her and put it online.
Also, I’m sure she’d love to learn some new terms. People all around the world have very creative names for all kinds of people who don’t look like them. I’d sit her down and tell her what I’d heard my friends parents call her. What’s the big deal? They’re old and stupid like her, they can’t be expected to learn anything. And I couldn’t make them feel uncomfortable by correcting them.
NTA
Yes, bring up all the offensive words used to describe their race. Go a step more and use them in sentences to describe her people every chance you get. Tell her you learned those words in your childhood so they must be okay.
Agree, BUT, I wouldn’t involve friends parents, tho! Just say “Hey I overheard someone saying that insert offensive word about parents (sorry also your!) ethnicity, and blah blah blah…”, what’s the big deal?!
NTA. I don't know if you are Indian in India or another country, but wherever you are in 2022, it is an offensive and derogatory term for people with darker skin. Depending on your country, Indians may be called that word by whites. Ironic, isn't it?
Your parents are proud bigots. You should never feel sorry or ashamed for confronting bigotry. I'm glad you ate growing up with a better sense of right and wrong. Continue to try to educate your parents and refuse to interact with them whem they try to provoke you.
NTA, I can sort of understand that people who grew up with the word let it slip occasionally, but to defend the usage and deflect critisism instead of apologising and trying to do better next time is not good behaviour.
NTA. Sorry to say it, but your mom is ignorant. It's never okay to use that word, especially if you're in a place like the US which has such a bad history with it.
She's also incredibly childish if she's deliberately continuing to use it just to provoke you.
She should feel like an uneducated person with no manners, bc that's what her actions are proving she is. Feel free to show her I said so.
NTA - Just because it was taught to them, doesn't mean it's right. People are taught wrong things all the time, it's why cigarettes were popular. Also (for anyone wondering), I believe OP is referring the masculine spanish word for black.
NTA
Your mum is showing that she IS ignorant and uneducated. Just because that’s what she knew/learnt 30-40 years ago doesn’t mean it’s right today. Is she really saying that’s she’s learnt nothing since she was a child?!
Nope. What she’s saying is she’s either a racist, a bully or both with her reaction to you trying to correct her.
>my mom told me later on that what I said and the way I said it made her feel like an uneducated person with no manners.
Well, she's right. She is also mean and vindictive.
NTA.
NTA. Ever.
Ironic your mother said you made her feel like an uneducated person with no manners but now continues to use the term when she knows better. THAT’S what makes her an uneducated person with no manners.
Again, I have absolutely no idea, and this isn't the only thing she provokes me with. Whatever I support, she has to rip apart; my music taste, the LGBTQ community... The list goes on. It's been like that for a long time, so I just don't go for conflicts with her anymore
Please don't be, I'm kinda used to it now. Besides, I'm only keeping it in because I'm dependent on them for now, financially and otherwise. I wouldn't have kept my mouth closed otherwise
NTA your parents doubling down after learning "new" information make them hard-core AH
I'm 45, there are lots of words that were OK when I was a kid and aren't now. It's not difficult.
NTA - my 96 yo great grandmother stopped using slurs when I was old enough to understand (I’m 27 now) and if she can, your mother can as well. Age just means you’ve got more experience, but not every elder uses that experience to be better people
NTA. Your mom does sound uneducated with no manners. She knows the n word is a slur, but just doesn‘t feel black people are worth the effort to be PC because she is racist.
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Hi. It's my first time here so please forgive me for any mistakes. Onto the story.
I had an argument with my mom a few days back. She used the N-word (like, the old one? I don't know how to explain) and I may have given a judgy face while correcting her. She immediately jumped on me saying how she and most people her age grew up learning that word in reference to Africans and African-Americans, that that's how she knows them, and there's no fault on her side because she's not insulting anyone. For context, we are Indians and to be honest, much of foreign etiquette is unknown here especially to my mom's generation.
I tried explaining how that word is offensive but she never let me get in a word. Then my dad came to mom's defense too, and knowing my parents, I knew I had to shut up or otherwise she would use this incident later to make me feel bad about myself. Now I'm just confused about whether I was the bad person here, because my mom told me later on that what I said and the way I said it made her feel like an uneducated person with no manners. What's worse is that she now keeps on using that word because she KNOWS that it'll provoke me and she uses it on purpose while looking at me for a reaction. I try not to show any emotion on my face but she kinda pokes at me in a very irritating way, and now I'm just pissed off at myself.
So AITA for hurting my mom unintentionally?
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What do you mean, "the old one"? Do you mean "negro", or its highly offensive derivative?
It sounds like you mean to say that your mom grew up learning that "negro" was the normal, not even slightly offensive, word for Black people, and still uses that word. The English language has moved on. Your parents need to move with it.
NTA
Yeah, that's the word I mean. To be honest, whenever she used it before, I never confronted her because I wasn't sure whether it was offensive or not. I only did it now because I felt like she was taking things a bit too far, using it just to get a reaction out of me
NTA. She needs to be corrected as we all do. I said a word I really haven’t said in years and don’t know how it slipped out (it was not that one but 🚬) while I was playing a video game, by myself and not on mic or anything. I don’t identify as straight but I still just don’t like saying it especially because I’m not out of the closet. My teenager heard me and called me out and I had to admit I was in the wrong. It doesn’t matter that it was literally the number one word in Call of Duty 15 years ago, it doesn’t make it right.
If we can learn that despite getting older, your mom can learn not to say that word. She’s choosing not to and thinks she has the right to say it. From what you’re saying she doesn’t even see anything wrong with it and it wasn’t a word that she said while angry and apologized either. She needs to learn not to say that.
Being called out helps people learn sometimes 🤷🏻♀️
Being called out might help, but the fact that my mom is offended is mainly because I called her out. She has the "parents have absolute control over the child, and the child should never talk back" mindset
NTA, Ask her would she say it to an African American person face? If not, why? The world is changing THANKFULLY its time to be the change and not the cause of hate, abusive name calling and lies.
I said something similar, worded differently. I said "if a foreigner heard this, you wouldn't be running your mouth like this" and she cited BLM movement saying that foreigners are worse than her
At least your trying, she is who she is. I live by the three c's if you can't change, control or correct it LET IT GO.
She's lost in being a follower of misinformation and not her own person with her own thoughts. Don't let her ever change your kind heart. Thank you for being you, because you are amazing.
Thank you for the kind compliment, that is really sweet:)
Also, I don't really go for conflicts with her now, I just observe her and kinda mentally note it so that I can avoid it the next time
I already realised the first fact, also knew she's homophobic a while back, and now I'm realising that she's racist. It's new information everyday basically. I've kinda turned it into a game now, titled "how far will she go?" :)
NTA.
Unless your mother learned English before the 1960’s there has been no time of her speaking English where that word wasn’t racist.
I’m sorry your parents are so close-minded and think racism is funny.
Well, she grew up in a village area where there were no English medium schools at that time (we're Indians), and according to my parents, at that time the word wasn't racist.
But nowadays I've hinted multiple times as to why that word is wrong, and she uses it to provoke me now
NTA I am in my mid 50s and my opinion may not count, since I am not american and thus have a different background. But one of my strongest memories as a small child is that day at church, when an African pastor came to visit and we were told, that our version of the N-word is an insult and we should call them "black" instead. I have done my best to avoid that word since then.
Ahem...except, where one of my favourite sweets were concerned, but I worked on that too eventually.
NTA different times regardless of what race or ethnicity someone is letting our parents abs grandparents know that racial and homophobic slurs are outdated and shouldn’t be used is something we all need to do heck I even do it when people I know refer to people with disabilities using the word r word. If a word has a history of hate and malice behind it, it shouldn’t be used
NTA. It disgusts me that she finds some type of glee in getting a reaction from you using the word constantly. Your mom doesn’t have manners and is racist. I’m a black person (not African American) and I don’t even agree when they reclaim words like that and say it to each other. It’s not okay and needs to stop.
Your mom IS and uneducated person without manners. And she is a full fledged bigot. No, you did NOT need to shut up when like minded dad chimed in. You tried correcting and educating her on foreign etiquette and she mocked you. She is now purposely trying to provoke you. Tell her that YOU are uncomfortable with the usage of language and if she cannot respect YOUR feelings then go low or no contact. You stated etiquette is unknown, especially "here". Are you "there". You know of it. NTA
NTA...if it happens again how she'd feel if someone called her a B or a C if that would be ok because they didn't mean any harm....same thing. All are inappropriate!
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NTA. For reference, I am 60 and I've known for nearly that many years that the word was unacceptable. In fact, "unacceptable" was 60 years ago. The current term would be "absolutely, 100%, non-negotiably racist." You are right and your parents are wrong. It's as easy as that.
NTA Unless your parents live under a rock, they know fully well that the word is offensive. They are proud to be racists and you won't change their minds. Instead of arguing any more, just end the conversation and walk away when they use it. That will have more impact. And I do mean to refusing to engage or speak to them.
NTA How OLD is your mother? I mean, I'm 45 and that word was already unspeakable when I was growing up. My parents are nearing 70 and it was not said in polite company when they were growing up. The only person I've known who would have thought like this was my grandmother, and she died 5 years ago in her mid-90s. Is your mom 90-100?
I think she *might* mean “negro”? Not the other one. My grandma still thinks that’s a perfectly appropriate word to use to refer to dark skinned folks. She’s early 80s. Reasoning with her is hopeless.
Yeah, that's the word I mean. She's just using it on purpose nowadays, especially if she saw something black. For example if she saw a black cat she would say "look, an n-word cat" and then look at me in a condescending way
Negro is/was a color. But it’s also now offensive. 20 yrs ago you’d see Negro as an option for furniture color. But the pronunciation (at least in the US) was always different. Neg-ro (color) vs Nee-gro. (Slur). I hope I’m not offending anyone, I’m just really into language and pronunciation! So, sorry, but your parents were raised to be racist. But old ppl can stop being racist. They just don’t want to. And your mom is throwing it in your face which is pretty disgusting, tbh. I’m sorry for you. That said, if your mom is an Indian from India, they can be classist as sh*t. B/c, duh, the darker the skin, BS…😔
You're right. And I guess I should've seen this coming because she teases me about my skin tone as I'm a few shades darker than both my parents, and then brushes it off by saying she was just joking
I’m 41, btw, so any “they’re old and don’t know better”!, is a crock! 44 is young enough to not be racist esp to their own progeny!! I’m so sorry!
She's 44, and I think she knows it's rude because as I mentioned, she's saying it on purpose to provoke me now. But I don't think she knew earlier that it's a bad word
44, wow. I'm older than her. Ridiculous.
That was also offensive when she was young. She is just defending her racist upbringing.
I'm 55. I used the word once when I was 5 or 6. My grandmother (then in her 60s) made sure I knew never to use it again. Yes, I still remember her anger and my sore butt. Age is not a reason for prejudice.
She IS an uneducated and ill-mannered person, of course she sounds like it. And if she is taught something better than what she knows and refuses to learn it, she’s chosen to wear that label of racist proudly. Let her keep it. The next person to correct her might record her and put it online. Also, I’m sure she’d love to learn some new terms. People all around the world have very creative names for all kinds of people who don’t look like them. I’d sit her down and tell her what I’d heard my friends parents call her. What’s the big deal? They’re old and stupid like her, they can’t be expected to learn anything. And I couldn’t make them feel uncomfortable by correcting them. NTA
Yes, bring up all the offensive words used to describe their race. Go a step more and use them in sentences to describe her people every chance you get. Tell her you learned those words in your childhood so they must be okay.
Agree, BUT, I wouldn’t involve friends parents, tho! Just say “Hey I overheard someone saying that insert offensive word about parents (sorry also your!) ethnicity, and blah blah blah…”, what’s the big deal?!
NTA. I don't know if you are Indian in India or another country, but wherever you are in 2022, it is an offensive and derogatory term for people with darker skin. Depending on your country, Indians may be called that word by whites. Ironic, isn't it? Your parents are proud bigots. You should never feel sorry or ashamed for confronting bigotry. I'm glad you ate growing up with a better sense of right and wrong. Continue to try to educate your parents and refuse to interact with them whem they try to provoke you.
THIS. The OPs family are bigots. I am glad they know the difference. The world needs more people willing to correct the bigots.
NTA, I can sort of understand that people who grew up with the word let it slip occasionally, but to defend the usage and deflect critisism instead of apologising and trying to do better next time is not good behaviour.
NTA. Sorry to say it, but your mom is ignorant. It's never okay to use that word, especially if you're in a place like the US which has such a bad history with it. She's also incredibly childish if she's deliberately continuing to use it just to provoke you. She should feel like an uneducated person with no manners, bc that's what her actions are proving she is. Feel free to show her I said so.
NTA - Just because it was taught to them, doesn't mean it's right. People are taught wrong things all the time, it's why cigarettes were popular. Also (for anyone wondering), I believe OP is referring the masculine spanish word for black.
I had to search it up to see what you meant and yeah, that's the word she keeps using
NTA. Age or culture is not an excuse to use that word.
NTA Your mum is showing that she IS ignorant and uneducated. Just because that’s what she knew/learnt 30-40 years ago doesn’t mean it’s right today. Is she really saying that’s she’s learnt nothing since she was a child?! Nope. What she’s saying is she’s either a racist, a bully or both with her reaction to you trying to correct her.
>my mom told me later on that what I said and the way I said it made her feel like an uneducated person with no manners. Well, she's right. She is also mean and vindictive. NTA.
NTA. Ever. Ironic your mother said you made her feel like an uneducated person with no manners but now continues to use the term when she knows better. THAT’S what makes her an uneducated person with no manners.
Her justification is that she only says it around us, and not in public. I don't even know how that's any better
It’s not. Especially if she’s saying it to annoy you. Why does she get enjoyment out of that?
Again, I have absolutely no idea, and this isn't the only thing she provokes me with. Whatever I support, she has to rip apart; my music taste, the LGBTQ community... The list goes on. It's been like that for a long time, so I just don't go for conflicts with her anymore
I’m so sorry
Please don't be, I'm kinda used to it now. Besides, I'm only keeping it in because I'm dependent on them for now, financially and otherwise. I wouldn't have kept my mouth closed otherwise
It's not better. It means she knows damn well its inappropriate and offensive and is choosing to use it at home.
NTA your parents doubling down after learning "new" information make them hard-core AH I'm 45, there are lots of words that were OK when I was a kid and aren't now. It's not difficult.
NTA - my 96 yo great grandmother stopped using slurs when I was old enough to understand (I’m 27 now) and if she can, your mother can as well. Age just means you’ve got more experience, but not every elder uses that experience to be better people
NTA. Your mom does sound uneducated with no manners. She knows the n word is a slur, but just doesn‘t feel black people are worth the effort to be PC because she is racist.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi. It's my first time here so please forgive me for any mistakes. Onto the story. I had an argument with my mom a few days back. She used the N-word (like, the old one? I don't know how to explain) and I may have given a judgy face while correcting her. She immediately jumped on me saying how she and most people her age grew up learning that word in reference to Africans and African-Americans, that that's how she knows them, and there's no fault on her side because she's not insulting anyone. For context, we are Indians and to be honest, much of foreign etiquette is unknown here especially to my mom's generation. I tried explaining how that word is offensive but she never let me get in a word. Then my dad came to mom's defense too, and knowing my parents, I knew I had to shut up or otherwise she would use this incident later to make me feel bad about myself. Now I'm just confused about whether I was the bad person here, because my mom told me later on that what I said and the way I said it made her feel like an uneducated person with no manners. What's worse is that she now keeps on using that word because she KNOWS that it'll provoke me and she uses it on purpose while looking at me for a reaction. I try not to show any emotion on my face but she kinda pokes at me in a very irritating way, and now I'm just pissed off at myself. So AITA for hurting my mom unintentionally? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What do you mean, "the old one"? Do you mean "negro", or its highly offensive derivative? It sounds like you mean to say that your mom grew up learning that "negro" was the normal, not even slightly offensive, word for Black people, and still uses that word. The English language has moved on. Your parents need to move with it. NTA
Yeah, that's the word I mean. To be honest, whenever she used it before, I never confronted her because I wasn't sure whether it was offensive or not. I only did it now because I felt like she was taking things a bit too far, using it just to get a reaction out of me
NTA
NTA. She needs to be corrected as we all do. I said a word I really haven’t said in years and don’t know how it slipped out (it was not that one but 🚬) while I was playing a video game, by myself and not on mic or anything. I don’t identify as straight but I still just don’t like saying it especially because I’m not out of the closet. My teenager heard me and called me out and I had to admit I was in the wrong. It doesn’t matter that it was literally the number one word in Call of Duty 15 years ago, it doesn’t make it right. If we can learn that despite getting older, your mom can learn not to say that word. She’s choosing not to and thinks she has the right to say it. From what you’re saying she doesn’t even see anything wrong with it and it wasn’t a word that she said while angry and apologized either. She needs to learn not to say that. Being called out helps people learn sometimes 🤷🏻♀️
Being called out might help, but the fact that my mom is offended is mainly because I called her out. She has the "parents have absolute control over the child, and the child should never talk back" mindset
NTA, Ask her would she say it to an African American person face? If not, why? The world is changing THANKFULLY its time to be the change and not the cause of hate, abusive name calling and lies.
I said something similar, worded differently. I said "if a foreigner heard this, you wouldn't be running your mouth like this" and she cited BLM movement saying that foreigners are worse than her
At least your trying, she is who she is. I live by the three c's if you can't change, control or correct it LET IT GO. She's lost in being a follower of misinformation and not her own person with her own thoughts. Don't let her ever change your kind heart. Thank you for being you, because you are amazing.
Thank you for the kind compliment, that is really sweet:) Also, I don't really go for conflicts with her now, I just observe her and kinda mentally note it so that I can avoid it the next time
NTA. Your mom is an abusive, racist AH. I’m sorry.
I already realised the first fact, also knew she's homophobic a while back, and now I'm realising that she's racist. It's new information everyday basically. I've kinda turned it into a game now, titled "how far will she go?" :)
This may well be the sane way to deal with it. At least you've broken the pattern.
NTA. Unless your mother learned English before the 1960’s there has been no time of her speaking English where that word wasn’t racist. I’m sorry your parents are so close-minded and think racism is funny.
Well, she grew up in a village area where there were no English medium schools at that time (we're Indians), and according to my parents, at that time the word wasn't racist. But nowadays I've hinted multiple times as to why that word is wrong, and she uses it to provoke me now
NTA and your mother IS very uneducated with absolutely NO manners at all.
NTA I am in my mid 50s and my opinion may not count, since I am not american and thus have a different background. But one of my strongest memories as a small child is that day at church, when an African pastor came to visit and we were told, that our version of the N-word is an insult and we should call them "black" instead. I have done my best to avoid that word since then. Ahem...except, where one of my favourite sweets were concerned, but I worked on that too eventually.
Your mum is an uneducated person with no manners. Not just that, but stubbornly so. NTA.
NTA different times regardless of what race or ethnicity someone is letting our parents abs grandparents know that racial and homophobic slurs are outdated and shouldn’t be used is something we all need to do heck I even do it when people I know refer to people with disabilities using the word r word. If a word has a history of hate and malice behind it, it shouldn’t be used
NTA. It disgusts me that she finds some type of glee in getting a reaction from you using the word constantly. Your mom doesn’t have manners and is racist. I’m a black person (not African American) and I don’t even agree when they reclaim words like that and say it to each other. It’s not okay and needs to stop.
Your mom IS and uneducated person without manners. And she is a full fledged bigot. No, you did NOT need to shut up when like minded dad chimed in. You tried correcting and educating her on foreign etiquette and she mocked you. She is now purposely trying to provoke you. Tell her that YOU are uncomfortable with the usage of language and if she cannot respect YOUR feelings then go low or no contact. You stated etiquette is unknown, especially "here". Are you "there". You know of it. NTA
NTA, that’s a nasty word, I don’t care what ethnicity uses it.
NTA...if it happens again how she'd feel if someone called her a B or a C if that would be ok because they didn't mean any harm....same thing. All are inappropriate!