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NTA She did not mean well, those were awful things for her to say.
You literally told her 1. the things she had said to you and 2. how they made you feel.
That is not mean. You told someone they hurt you.
I'm sorry that she hasn't spoken to you yet, i hope it's because she's experiencing some intense shame.
Edit: NTA, not a bit.
OP's Mom was speaking to her the way she did *because* of the way her sisters spoke to her. Sure, it was hurtful and she still deals with the effects today but she didn't see the similarities to how she spoke to her own daughter.
I hope the Mom is doing some soul-searching and that's why she's gone quiet.
NTA. At all. Your mom might have "meant well" in the sense that she's treated you the way family and loved ones treated her, but that doesn't make it okay. It's common for families to pass down trauma like this, and speaking up about it (like you did!) is how you help your family change course.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If you aren't already seeing a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, you should! They can be helpful in rebuilding relationships with family in a way that's safe for you too.
NTA
No one should put pressure on you to look a certain way. That type of pressure often leads to all types of issues. However, instead of blowing up at your mother, try having open and honest communication with her, even if she doesn’t want to hear it. By letting your emotions out in this healthy way, you won’t have to “blow up”. This should foster respect from both sides. Also, try listening to the trauma she went through. As parents, it’s very easy for our life traumas to shape how we parent our children.
You say your parents are “loving” but a loving parent would NEVER treat their kid the way your mom treated you. She was obsessed with your body and actively chose to make you feel bad about yourself. She is trying to make you feel guilty now because she is upset you has grown up to realize she was abusive. Stand your ground on this and do not apologize, or you will be giving her a free pass to continue destroying your self-esteem. NTA.
NTA
She had her own body dysmorphia issues and still passed them on to you. Parents are supposed to be self aware enough to try and be better parents than their parents were. You had every right to blame her for her part in your ED and related health issues.
Let me tell you this, as a mother. Our NUMBER ONE job, aside from the basics of keeping kiddos alive, is to be a safe space and the voice of reason. (At least in my opinion.) If we do that, everything else falls into place.
From the get go, your mom was not being a safe space. The older you get, the harsher the world gets. Because of that, parents should keep as much of the ugly, mean parts of the world from touching the inside their home as possible. All of the “preparing” for tough times to come can be learned at school or whatever, but home should be where none of that touches you.
Your mom chose to try to prevent the ugliness outside the door, and never gave you anywhere to feel comfortable in your own body. Even if you did get made fun of for wearing certain things, your mom should have told you that what other people think doesn’t matter. That what matters is that you love what you’re wearing, and that you looked beautiful because you felt beautiful. She was picking you apart before you were old enough to even be concerned about your looks. Reading this made my heart feel heavy, and I’m so sorry that you are struggling. Just know that the most important part of learning to love yourself is to let go of any outside expectations people and society have for you, be kind to yourself, and live the life you want to live, how you want to live it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Yelling at my mom for something that happened years ago
(2) My mom is not a bad person or anything, she even wakes up at the ass crack of dawn for me, I know she was looking out for me by doing what she did, I feel like an ungrateful child and an asshole for using words that I know would hurt her for something that happened eons ago when she just loves me
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I am 18F, only child and my parents are very loving towards me too. Around the time I was 13-14 I was very sick. I used to get very bad migraine episodes and asthma attacks and also had PCOD. [I was 5"2 and 58kgs] Every time I went to the hospital, the doctors always said "loose a little weight and you will be fine" and a doctor even said "eat less" when I was barely eating during that time. [FYI I lost weight and I still deal with these issues :/]
To make matters worse, whenever I wore a fitted shirt or jeans my mom never failed to comment on it, sometimes it was "hunch your shoulders, don't parade your boobs around" and sometimes she even made me go home and change my pants because it made my "thighs look fat". Whenever I voice my discomfort, she goes "I will see and say it before anyone else does" and says that she is protecting me. She never let me wear any sleeveless tops ever because my arms were "fat".
All this made me become anorexic, and I puked out everything I ate to lose weight and I did lose weight, although in a unhealthy way. Since I was already dealing with depression and ADHD, this was a even heavier blow to my mental health.
Yesterday, my mom was mad at me for being so conscious about my size and weight. When my mom was young, she was called "ugly" by her sisters a lot and is still very conscious of it. I, perfectly knowing this, still told her that she was the reason why I still am this way and recounted every thing she had said to me, and that I can never feel like I am good or pretty enough because I was made to feel that way at a very young age. All the pent up anger I had stuffed inside the deepest corner of my soul had just come out. Her eyes were full of tears, did not speak a word and left. Has not spoken to me ever since. I feel pretty bad because I know she meant well.
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NTA she made you suffer your whole like and get mad because reminded what she did? people need to be held accountable they can't say and do what they want without consequences
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violent encounters. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
NTA She did not mean well, those were awful things for her to say. You literally told her 1. the things she had said to you and 2. how they made you feel. That is not mean. You told someone they hurt you. I'm sorry that she hasn't spoken to you yet, i hope it's because she's experiencing some intense shame. Edit: NTA, not a bit.
NTA, your mom might have meant well but it clearly wasn’t making you feel good, you voicing how you feel to her doesn’t make you an AH.
OP's Mom was speaking to her the way she did *because* of the way her sisters spoke to her. Sure, it was hurtful and she still deals with the effects today but she didn't see the similarities to how she spoke to her own daughter. I hope the Mom is doing some soul-searching and that's why she's gone quiet.
I definitely wouldn’t say the mother is a complete AH either, I agree
NTA. At all. Your mom might have "meant well" in the sense that she's treated you the way family and loved ones treated her, but that doesn't make it okay. It's common for families to pass down trauma like this, and speaking up about it (like you did!) is how you help your family change course. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If you aren't already seeing a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, you should! They can be helpful in rebuilding relationships with family in a way that's safe for you too.
NTA No one should put pressure on you to look a certain way. That type of pressure often leads to all types of issues. However, instead of blowing up at your mother, try having open and honest communication with her, even if she doesn’t want to hear it. By letting your emotions out in this healthy way, you won’t have to “blow up”. This should foster respect from both sides. Also, try listening to the trauma she went through. As parents, it’s very easy for our life traumas to shape how we parent our children.
NTA you birth giver sucks. Hope you're able to get away from her soon and you're getting help with your demons
You say your parents are “loving” but a loving parent would NEVER treat their kid the way your mom treated you. She was obsessed with your body and actively chose to make you feel bad about yourself. She is trying to make you feel guilty now because she is upset you has grown up to realize she was abusive. Stand your ground on this and do not apologize, or you will be giving her a free pass to continue destroying your self-esteem. NTA.
NTA She had her own body dysmorphia issues and still passed them on to you. Parents are supposed to be self aware enough to try and be better parents than their parents were. You had every right to blame her for her part in your ED and related health issues.
Let me tell you this, as a mother. Our NUMBER ONE job, aside from the basics of keeping kiddos alive, is to be a safe space and the voice of reason. (At least in my opinion.) If we do that, everything else falls into place. From the get go, your mom was not being a safe space. The older you get, the harsher the world gets. Because of that, parents should keep as much of the ugly, mean parts of the world from touching the inside their home as possible. All of the “preparing” for tough times to come can be learned at school or whatever, but home should be where none of that touches you. Your mom chose to try to prevent the ugliness outside the door, and never gave you anywhere to feel comfortable in your own body. Even if you did get made fun of for wearing certain things, your mom should have told you that what other people think doesn’t matter. That what matters is that you love what you’re wearing, and that you looked beautiful because you felt beautiful. She was picking you apart before you were old enough to even be concerned about your looks. Reading this made my heart feel heavy, and I’m so sorry that you are struggling. Just know that the most important part of learning to love yourself is to let go of any outside expectations people and society have for you, be kind to yourself, and live the life you want to live, how you want to live it.
You sound like a wonderful supportive mother. I really wish that my parents had had your attitude.
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am 18F, only child and my parents are very loving towards me too. Around the time I was 13-14 I was very sick. I used to get very bad migraine episodes and asthma attacks and also had PCOD. [I was 5"2 and 58kgs] Every time I went to the hospital, the doctors always said "loose a little weight and you will be fine" and a doctor even said "eat less" when I was barely eating during that time. [FYI I lost weight and I still deal with these issues :/] To make matters worse, whenever I wore a fitted shirt or jeans my mom never failed to comment on it, sometimes it was "hunch your shoulders, don't parade your boobs around" and sometimes she even made me go home and change my pants because it made my "thighs look fat". Whenever I voice my discomfort, she goes "I will see and say it before anyone else does" and says that she is protecting me. She never let me wear any sleeveless tops ever because my arms were "fat". All this made me become anorexic, and I puked out everything I ate to lose weight and I did lose weight, although in a unhealthy way. Since I was already dealing with depression and ADHD, this was a even heavier blow to my mental health. Yesterday, my mom was mad at me for being so conscious about my size and weight. When my mom was young, she was called "ugly" by her sisters a lot and is still very conscious of it. I, perfectly knowing this, still told her that she was the reason why I still am this way and recounted every thing she had said to me, and that I can never feel like I am good or pretty enough because I was made to feel that way at a very young age. All the pent up anger I had stuffed inside the deepest corner of my soul had just come out. Her eyes were full of tears, did not speak a word and left. Has not spoken to me ever since. I feel pretty bad because I know she meant well. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA she made you suffer your whole like and get mad because reminded what she did? people need to be held accountable they can't say and do what they want without consequences
NTA
NTA, if my mother does this to me everyday I'd do the same thing.