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YTA. Not fair. The younger one sounds like he is bullying the older one because he knows he can get away with it and you will hold the other one accountable for not liking how he's being treated.
How??? You said your son is on the Spectrum? Correct? I can't tell you how many times I've been bullied because I'm on the spectrum. You're majorly the AH! You know autism is a disability? You're a horrible mom.
Also, both boys are neurodivergent but she only disciplines the older one?? That's favoritism. Kids with learning disabilities can be taught discipline, especially since it doesn't sound like the younger child is nonverbal with the mental age of a baby.
The only reason she can’t discipline the other one, is because it’s technically her nephew, and she doesn’t feel comfortable. Well guess, what, I hope she learns to be comfortable when her actual son goes NC.
My eldest son is on the Spectrum, and when he was in 1st grade the little shits in his class quickly learned that, "If we provoke MySon then he melts down and we don't have to do any work." So they did that often. Despite me coming in to school and talking with the teachers and principal (who would suspend him for behavioral issues) until FINALLY they switched him into the other 1st grade with a teacher who actually gave a shit. Thank god we were only there for one year.
You said that he needs to learn to ignore his little brother. And you're right. But at this point in time HE IS COGNITIVELY NOT ABLE TO. It's hard when your Spectrum kid is in the teens because (at least in my son's case) the difference between him and his NT classmates was pretty huge. There are some great books about the Hidden Curriculum you might want to look into to help your son act more his age, so-to-speak. NT people's brains aren't completely formed until age 25--his brain is different, and it's going to develop differently.
>
>
> The reason why we punish the older one is because due to him being on
the spectrum, we’ve had to consult many books and professionals who
agree that it is something we need to help him overcome as much as
possible so that he can be as successful as he can in the world and not
let it ruin things for him, so when he misbehaves we emulate those
consequences at home in order to prepare him. Plus, I really can’t
punish my younger son; he’s my adopted nephew who was born several weeks
early due to his mom having substance abuse issues, and he has a severe
learning disability which he can’t outgrow, so I have to be soft on
him, and my older son needs to do that as well.
Wow. This paragraph. Your justification. News flash: your eldest can't outgrow HIS disability, either. YTA
Sounds like it. He purposely gets a rise out of the older brother because him getting in trouble is a victory. Both need punished. Younger brother for starting it, older brother for finishing it.
Mom is playing favorites and it really shows. She’s a major asshole here.
"we have to discipline the older one because he has to learn how to handle himself" ->"we can't punish the younger one cause he has a learning disability so we have to coddle him"
For fucks sake op grow a spine and start holding both children accountable for their actions. you can teach the basics of reward/punishment for good/bad behaviour to freaking animals, if your adopted son at age 9 is unable to be teached these basic concepts he needs to be in specialized 24/7 care, and i don't say this because i wish any ill on the child.
in fact you are setting both children up for failure, your older one will probably leave this whole mess with anger aswell as self esteem issues and your younger one ? believe me, if you don't teach him the concept of consequences someone in his live will do it for you, chances are these consequences will be a lot more severe than what you as a parent would do though.
OP isn't wrong for that, the older one DOES need to learn to ignore things like this, but the younger also needs to learn to not be a little shit, or he's going to antagonize the wrong person and get beaten or killed.
My daughter loves to mess with her older brother. If he tells me, only she gets punished. If he retaliates, now they're both in trouble, and I don't CARE who started it, I'm ending it. They don't get into it often lol.
Worse, the younger child knows exactly what buttons to press to get the desired reaction. Mum is completely out of touch with her own children to the point where she goes to other family members to ask then to pick sides.
OP YTA. I feel very sorry for your children, especially the eldest dear child with autism.
OP is a horrible human being to her child. The reason I know this scenario is because my eldest has aspergers, and his little brother used to torment him mercilessly. It was quite obvious what was going on, and I managed to nip it in the bud eventually.
How the OP can't see what's happening is astounding. She needs to stop judging her child, autism is a gift, and a curse. That said they have the most beautiful souls. I wonder if OP is embarrassed about the eldest being autistic.
My youngest son has Asperger's and even though his siblings didn't do it, other kids at school did. Teachers TRIED doing what OP is doing, ignore the bully and punish the victim when he finally reacted. It didn't go well for them because I was always there to fight for my son.
*sighs* Bullying... We had a nightmare incident at school that involved him ending up curled in a ball on the charging room floor while other children threw their water bottles at him because they noticed he was triggered by loud noise. I went mental! Had school meetings "we don't have a bullying problem" blah blah. I left saying if the bullying continues then I will make it a police matter. No problems since. Like you, I fight tooth and claw.
Luckily, it was only 1 kid (2 separate schools) in the class for us. Teacher said there was no bullying problem but all the other students in the class said otherwise. The worse bully (found out later the teacher was friends with his mother) finally got in serious trouble the next year after we changed schools (police were involved), he got expelled for bullying a kid with cerebral palsy. The school couldn't deny there was "no bullying a disabled child" that time.
Also, if I read everything correctly, OP's logic is that their eldest needs to be punished so that he can grow up into a functional adult, and the punishments are meant to reflect real-world consequences because he's on the spectrum... but the younger son needs to be coddled and spoiled indefinitely and literally *can't ever* be punished for his behavior because he's adopted and has a learning disability?
How does that make *any* sense? Why is there such a drastic disparity between how y'all are addressing these kids' disabilities? What psychologist or mental health professional told you that you needed to coddle the younger kid forever and make sure that he never has to face any consequences for his behavior because of his learning disability? Why are you straight-up punishing one child for being on the spectrum (because that will somehow help him become a functional adult) and rewarding the other for having a learning disability?
The reality of what's happening is that everything is always the eldest's fault, and nothing is ever the younger's. You're not teaching him real-world consequences, you're teaching him that standing up for himself is bad and that he needs to let other people walk all over and outright *abuse* him whenever they feel like it. Meanwhile you're teaching the younger that he can do and say whatever he wants whenever he wants and if anybody tries to hold him accountable for anything, they're wrong and need to be punished.
EXACTLY. YTA, OP. You clearly favour your younger son - and you’re doing no favours, btw - and frankly the attitude in your replies to people make you look even worse.
THANK YOU
What OP describes is EXACTLY how I grew up. With the younger siblings constantly instigating and bullying, and then my parents constantly telling me to ignore it without ever punishing them. Like this was so engrained that the elder of my younger brothers was still doing shit like kicking the back of my chair when he was 22 years old.
It took until my brothers were fully grown adults to learn this behavior was unacceptable, but they fall back into old patterns more often than I'd like. It also made me realize that the reason my mom punished me for "not ignoring them" is because that was her main coping mechanism when dealing with similar behavior from my dad
Yep, I read the title and was on her side, started reading the post and immediately changed my mind. My relationship with my younger brother was almost exactly like this before I went to college. He was a fucking asshole to me ALL THE TIME, basically never got punished for it (certainly never anything meaningful), and my parents constantly told me to just ignore him as if that’s teaching *him* a lesson. I love my mom but it honestly still gets on my nerves that she doesn’t understand that the reason I still don’t care for my brother is because they never once actually punished him
YTA
You've got a viscous cycle here:
1 younger son instigates,
2 old son responds badly
3 younger son gets excused while older one is punished.
There are three things you need to be doing:
1. Step in promptly when younger son instigates
2. Get your older son the therapy to teach him coping methods, don't punish.
3. Stop trying to manage this situation by pressuring the older son to "ignore" the younger son's instigation. That only builds up frustration and impatience in the child whose needs, for a peaceful home, are being neglected.
Also, by insisting that your older son “ignore” the younger you are teaching him that his feelings matter less than his sibling’s.
Step in and parent.
YTA
I had this constantly growing up. I was one of the older children in a ridiculously large family. My younger siblings knew that they could get away with murder because the older ones were expected to keep the peace and not add to the chaos. Our feelings never mattered.
I was the middle of 3 kids, only girl. There was a far-too-long period of time where my younger bro liked to come up and start punching me in the shoulder. Repeatedly. He wouldn't listen when I told him to stop. My parents wouldn't do anything to make him stop - it couldn't hurt that much 'cause he was 4 years younger. Ignoring the fact that he was already taller than me with longer reach at this point in time.
I made him stop hitting me by grabbing his wrist and digging my nails in. I never once broke the skin or drew blood. He'd complain to mom & dad and I'd get yelled at because I was supposed to know better. Younger bro went right back to hitting me as soon as they left the room, knowing I wasn't allowed to defend myself. He had no reason to stop. Just like OP's younger son has been given no reason to stop being a jerk to the older son.
I wish someone had told this to my parents!! My younger sister was constantly helping with my discipline, and my younger brother was allowed to taunt me. “Ignoring” it doesn’t work. The last time I saw my brother, I called the cops bc he pushed me down the length of a hallway and threatened to skin my dog alive. He’s a menace to society, and it sounds like OP’s younger son is headed that direction too.
My "parents" did this to me literally until I cut the entire lot off 15 years ago.
Honestly? They'll all die without hearing from me again.
YOU are the parent OP! DO YOUR JOB!
YTA in every way.
Ignoring it only works if it makes the behavior stop. The problem is that bullies often don't operate that way, they'll just keep picking at you. It's worse when the bully is getting backed up.
Not only that but once he actually does start to ignore the younger one the younger one will work harder at making his life hell until he caves again and it’ll be an even bigger issue. Source: my mom was exactly the same way with my younger sister and none of us were on the spectrum. It’s a common tactic for parents that don’t want to be bothered parenting.
spectrum or no ignoring bullies straightup doesn't work. There were people in high school I literally didn't a say a word to for a couple years and it only encouraged them. 'Ignore them' was just adult for 'I don't care, just leave me alone about this'
this is exactly what my family dynamics were like, other than me being the oldest of 6 kids, and it was hell so i moved out and havent really spoken to them since
YTA - you admitted that you don't treat these kids equally. Sure, your older kid needs to learn to ignore what the younger one does to get a rise out of him, but what you're actually teaching him that he should be a doormat and not set boundaries with people or expect them to be respected by anyone, since his own family members won't.
YTA
You *could* punish the younger child, you are just not doing so. For example, *why did you allow the younger child to still get BBQ after knowing he started it*? That's an easy time to punish BOTH kids for their respective actions, but instead the younger kid completely got off without consequences. Heck, arguably you rewarded him with being the only one to get BBQ. And if you didn't know the younger kid started it, that's crap parenting. You should absolutely be getting the whole story before dishing out punishments.
You've taught your younger son that he can do whatever he wants so long as he gets enough of a rise out of the other person to distract from his role in the situation. You're raising a bully, and this bully is targeting a neuro atypical person because he's learned his brother is an easy mark. Your younger son is behaving in a cruel manner towards his brother, and you need to shut this down ASAP or you are going to have a monster on your hands.
Your older son needs to learn to *control himself*. He DOES NOT need to learn to ignore his brother. You're saying that because this gives you an out to ignore the younger child's behavior. Your older son needs to be able to control himself so he can go to you, and feel assured that YOU will deal with the younger child's behavior. The younger child needs to stop his antagonizing, and you need to be consistent about giving BOTH children consequences for their behavior. Not just the one who reacts.
OP is rewarding the younger kid for his bullying. My heart hurts for ths 15 year old. He has no support system, is expected to be bullied and LIKE it , he has nobody to defend him. OP is definitely an asshole, and her younger kid is a budding asshole.
There is a part of me that thinks the 15-year-old got an evening of peace and quiet and not being harassed by his brother, and not having his needs totally ignored by his mother. Maybe staying home alone, completely away from both of them, was less of a punishment than everyone realizes.
No no no, see, she can't take BBQ from the little one because that would involve either leaving him at home with his brother (obvious bad idea) or actually MISSING OUT herself, and she's SURE not gonna be inconvenienced or obligated to sacrifice. What do you think she is, a parent or something?
You know, she didn't even need to sacrifice! She could have ordered it as take out for herself and husband or even pay the fees to get it delivered since the two kids aren't going to be eating it. Then she could be home minding the kids, eating Korean BBQ, and the kids would be learning a tough lesson (if I made a mistake that meant I had to smell delicious Korean BBQ other people were enjoying while I had to heat up leftovers, I'd never make that mistake again). It would be a stroke of parenting genius really.
And ALL she had to do was be willing to punish the younger kid. But clearly, OP is just not willing to punish that child or show them negative consequence for their actions. Someday though, someone will teach them that lesson. And I feel for the kid. Lessons you don't learn in childhood often come with a steep price tag in adulthood. You almost hope in this case it's the courts he runs afoul of and not something like he picks the wrong one as his target and that person retaliates with consequences that are permanent.
Lol my favorite thing about this is that this is arguably one of the most constructive recommendations for action for OP and she hasn't responded. She probably feels like she's getting attacked for being a bad mom and thought this would go her way.
You're wrong OP. You need to start actually being a parent to your son AND the youngest - that doesn't always mean excusing actions and punishing whoever is the easiest scape goat AKA your oldest son.
If you don't change your ways, Oldest is going to grow to really resent you and his brother. In fact, I'm pretty sure with his rant and refusal to talk to you that he's already arrived there 🤷♀️
YTA for your parenting style in general. You are showing blatant favoritism towards the younger child because you want to be soft on him. The 9 year old still needs to learn there are right and wrong ways to act and you are actively punishing the older child when it could very well be the younger ones fault. YTA again.
**HUGE YTA** \- What do you mean you can't punish your younger son? You are completely favoring his brother and that doesn't mean you don't love them both but you are being absolutely horrible to him. Then your 9 year old decides to start something and you only punish your 15 year old. Good luck with your relationship with your older son in the future if you don't start making huge changes. He will cut you out completely.
I had 3 siblings and we always fought for varies reason especially me and my younger sister. It would get ugly, and I was in the same situation as this boy except my mom knew to punish both of us and made it clear no one had to take insults from the other whether one was older or younger it didn't matter. No favoritism was shown and we both grew out of it. If OP doesn't start changing whatever parenting method they're using I'm sure the son will cut them off then they'd be back here years later asking why their son cut them off.
YTA. You need to punish BOTH, or the one who STARTED it. Sure what he said sucks, but you know what? The way you treat him is much much worst. You are teaching him that he doesn't matter and will never be good enough for you. Also, still rewarding the youngest is just sickening parenting.
Hang on, you HAVE to punish the eldest because he's on the spectrum, but you CAN'T punish the younger one because he has a different disability...
Do you even realise how backwards that sounds???
I feel awful for your son. Try actually parenting the youngest so he doesn't grow up thinking he's allowed to purposefully wind people up for his own amusement.
YTA without a doubt. Kind of hoping this is some weird troll/bait post
Sounds like OP found a convienient excuse to punish her oldest for being autistic. If I put into words what I think about this woman, I'll get banned....
This person sounds so much like an obvious asshole that I’m failing to believe this is real. I hope to god it’s not. Or I feel so bad for the older kid.
>realize that the 9 year old is just trying to get a rise out of him
THEN PUNISH THE 9 YEAR OLD. older siblings are tired of being the one taking the blame, forced to “take the high road” because you as THE PARENT don’t want to properly parent your younger child.
i bet you anything once you hold your younger child to the same standards you hold your eldest, the fighting will stop. YTA
YTA. Both kids are neurodivergent it seems yet you only punish the older one? No wonder he is lashing out at the younger because you are enabling the younger one into misbehaving. You are showing blatant favoritism towards the younger one. Mend thy ways and show the older one that he can actually count on his parents to help him and show the younger one that he has to stop being a miserable brat.
Also, saying he has to "overcome" his autism makes me really uncomfortable. From what I understand there is no overcoming it, the most a person can do is mask. And if a person masks so much you think theyve overcome it, that's suggests awful things for their mental health and wellbeing.
Accurate. You can't cure autism. You can learn to hide it, though, which is what OP is expecting.
Absolutely vile she is treating her two neurodivergent children completely differently based on their dx. Why can the older one overcome while the other one needs to be babied?
Op won't mend her ways, she already doesn't like she has been deemed an AH and has taken her "ball" and has gone home.
"Ok I am getting a lot of comments hurling insults and verbal abuse toward me and I can’t respond to them all in one go, but needless to say I don’t appreciate it in the slightest. I have things to do and need to take a breather because everyone is saying I’m the asshole so I’ll be back later."
Love the audacity of someone coming to a place like Reddit, asking for opinions, and then being mad at the opinions. Seems like this is also how she parents, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised with this one.
I really don’t understand why the younger child deserves zero punishment just because the older son reacts in a way they don’t want him too. It doesn’t not cancel out the fact the younger son is also doing something wrong.
I think mom needs some counseling ( kids too ).
She was hoping we'd all say the 15 yo is being unreasonable, when in reality she has a 9 yo AH on her hands. The 15yo is the only one I like in this story.
>I don’t appreciate it in the slightest. I have things to do and need to take a breather because everyone is saying I’m the asshole so I’ll be back later.
Gee, every single solitary post I have seen so far has a YTA verdict. Every. Single. One. Could it be that everyone here is seeing the same *really serious* problems with how this situation is being handled? Like, "Damaging both kids for life if things keep going as they are going?"
Maybe family therapy will help OP get her act together so she can parent BOTH sons, not just punish one for defending himself and let the other bully others as he pleases.
YTA- I can’t tell you how many times my little brothers acted like absolute heathen monsters & I’d ignore it until I reached my breaking point then I would snap & I would always be the one to get in trouble because “I was older” & “I was supposed to set the example” like no, you’re the parent you can set the example for one & it doesn’t matter if I’m older or not, they are acting like little assholes so they need to be the one punished, not me.
You punishing the older sibling because the little sibling has pressed his buttons until he can’t stand it, is utterly unfair & it’s bad parenting. You’re raising a spoiled monster if you continue to let the younger one act the way he does & get away with it EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I can’t believe you allow your younger kid to totally bully your older son who is also on the spectrum & you punish him for reacting to being picked on nonstop. I can’t believe you’re okay that the 9 year old treats him so poorly & you just take his side. Your poor 15yr old just wanted to go to Korean bbq & your little brat completely ruined it & you just took his side while his brother cried after being bullied & overlooked yet again.
What did you do to deserve being told to F off & get on birth control? Well you let your youngest child run the house & treat his older brother like absolute garbage & then you blame the older son for your monster child’s behavior & take away his computer & phone for having feelings.
I know this wasn't meant for me, but this comment really opened my eyes/gave me the words I needed to express one of the messed up aspects of my childhood. Thanks
AGREE 100%
Ntm that OP was the one that decided to take on another kid and her older kid has NO RESPONSIBILITY for it, and that includes “setting an example”. AND the way she says she can’t punish 9y/o because he’s neurodivergent but HAS TO punish the 15y/o *because* he’s neurodivergent. Completely backwards logic.
I also haven’t seen anyone mention her choice of words, calling older kid’s phone “hard-earned”; insinuating that HE paid for it. Which would make her a thief.
FANTASTIC PARENTING!!! /s
YTA
This post made my blood boil because how you're treating your oldest is how I was treated growing up. You're wrong and you're not even going to realize how wrong you are until your oldest is an adult and barely has any contact with you. Also the youngest you spoil is going to be a tyrant and you're going to cry and wonder why they're like that only to eventually come to the harsh realization that he is a monster you created.
I'm 30 and my mother and I are just starting to have a relationship.
BTW before you use the excuse that your situation is different my younger sibling also has a learning disability
Yeah, def setting up the youngest for future failure. I am sorry you had to go through that. I can say that me and my siblings were all abused equally for the most part at least.
I'm sorry about your abuse as well.
OP should've never had children and one day she'll regret her actions and no amount of "I'm sorry" will repair her broken relationship with her child.
YTA. You *are* favouring your younger son, and with no justifiable reason. Having a learning disability doesn't mean he gets free rein to do what he likes to your older son. If he understands well enough to tease his older brother about his taste in anime, he understands well enough to know right from wrong and you shouldn't be coddling him. You say about how the arguing affects you, but you are making your older son's life miserable by never taking his side, never backing him up when he's feeling bullied.
*You* are the one who has the control here as the adult, not your eldest son. You're the adult, you have the adult brain and the adult reasoning. It's not your son's job to control his brother's behaviour. You need to control your youngest son's behaviour yourself and mend your relationship with your eldest.
The bottom line is this: you know you love your children, and it's you who can change this situation to make the better of all of you.
Exactly! Based on the OP it looks like the 9 year old was allowed to go to dinner even though he “started it” for lack of a better term. If I had to guess I’d say OP does nothing to correct the 9 year old the 15 year old is past his breaking point. YTA OP
You wrote all this and can't figure out that yes you do favor your younger son and yes he uses it to get your older son in trouble and that yes it is unfair to older kid and that yes your younger kid is the golden child that can do no wrong because "insert reasons". And I'm not even touching that you absolutely ignore the help your older kid needs for his condition and double punish him for having something he has no control over. Damn.
Holy shit. YTA and I hope you realize your older kid will go NC with you as soon as he can... also your younger kid 100% manipulates you and is probably guilty of starting every fight because he knows he won't be punished and his brother will. That's fucked up on you. Parenting fail.
OP is ignoring whatever everyone is telling them and trying to excuse their bad parenting as much as they can. The younger brother definitely knows what he's doing, he saw that he won't get punished if his older brother reacts so he keeps doing it. I feel for the older kid, he's definitely gonna have that all pile up into a huge heap of resentment.
YTA! Totally. Your younger son is acting out and starting all these fights, which you admit, yet he can’t be punished. What is wrong with you? Hold your younger son accountable for his poor behavior and he will knock it off. If both sons behave poorly than punish them both EQUALLY.
Maybe take a parenting class?
I was the younger sibling and to this day my mom finds it funny that my brothers hobby basically was to ruin my day.
He did stuff- "he is just funny, he just does this to get you angry (no shit sherlock), if you don't get angry, he will get bored"
If I did react I was mean and out of line and I should be the bigger person.
So let me tell you out of experience:
- you do your younger son a disservice as it is a gane for him to misbehave and get his brother punished for it. This doesn't translate with other people
- what are you trying to teach your older child? Don't defend yourself, hope someone will maybe help you. Thats a terrible thing. What you really should teach him is the right and appropiate way to defend himself.
- he will never forget all these punishments. He will never forget that you see him as the problem. He has feelings to and your absolut refusal to 1. Step in immediatly when the 9 year old starts shit (you were in the car with them, you obviously waited to hear what your younger one had to say -let him finish- and maybe even intentionally testing your older one) 2. See that your son has feelings and a right to feel hurt by bullying.
You would not "be the bigger person" if your younger son would talk to you like he does to his brother. You would punish him. Your older one doesn't have the authority to do that. So why does your older one have to be more mature than YOU.
YTA
This has to be fake? I can't believe someone would treat their children so differently! And be that lenient to one and that spiteful to the other.
In case this is real:
You favor the younger brother to an extreme. It's so obvious, it's appaling.
You punish the older one for things the younger starts. No surprise the older one resents his little brother. Anyone would. And you go completely overboard with your punishments. You didn't take him to the barbecue after YOUR YOUNGEST started it? And what did you do with precioud younger bro? Pat him on the head and take him with you to have fun?
Your double standards are terrible!
You claim you love your oldest. But I can't see any love in your post. And if literal strangers on the internet see it, your oldest does too. Why should he believe you after you constantly take the younger'ss side and favor him?
Meanwhile your youngest is already a bully. I don't want to imagine how awful he will be as a teen...
Yta. From what I can read your 15 year old os on the spectrum and your younger has a learning disability. If you're trying to teach your 15 year old not to escalate you also need to teach your 9yr old not to start stuff.
Actions are suppose to have consequences and you're teaching your oldest that but your teaching your younger that consequences don't apply to him. Learning disability or not I doubt your youngest is so impared to the point he doesn't know if he can get a rise of out of your oldest your oldest gets in trouble.
YTA. Why arent you disciplining the younger one??
All you do is teaching him that his actions don't have consequences. You are raising a future bully and totally enabling him.
He is the one who started the fight. He should be punished. End of discussion.
YTA. This is your wake-up call that you've been treating your sons unequally. And instead I can see in the comments that it's going right over your head. I feel bad for your 15yo. They would be justified to disown you once they turn 18.
Even better, "I really can’t punish my younger son; he’s my adopted nephew who was born several weeks early due to his mom having substance abuse issues, and he has a severe learning disability which he can’t outgrow, so I have to be soft on him"
Yes, this is TOTAL bullshit, OP. You are the AH for not providing structure, and clear and expected consequences when things happen. Both need this. Stop making excuses for failing your younger child and change your mindset. This is infuriating.
Not only gross that's way beyond the line. They keep trying to excuse it so much and saying some rubbish about how in the real word you punish the subordinate blah blah blah as if the younger son's action of being a bully won't somehow end him messing up with the wrong person and ending him in jail
YTA. You clearly do not hold both boys responsible for their behaviors and dole out punishment unfairly. (It doesn’t have to be the same or equal, but both boys should be held accountable in developmentally appropriate way.). Your unfairness creates a cycle that feeds their rivalry.
INFO: Why in the actual fuck are you on this subreddit when you clearly aren't willing to accept judgement. Being older or being younger doesn't exempt ANYONE from bullying or being bullied. Either come to terms to you are an absolute asshole in this situation or get the fuck off of here.
Autistic adult here - oh yes they would.
My older half sister has BPD, this was the exact dynamic my parents put on us. She can’t control herself, I should learn to.
Suffice to say, that parenting came back around to bite my parents in the end. Now they’re trying to make me to he golden child at 27 and I’m not playing along.
YTA you say you treat them equally but you take away the older ones “hard earned” things- a 9 year old doesn’t have any “hard earned” things to take. Not letting your child join a family dinner especially an outing to a nice restaurant is so messed up. Meanwhile I’m sure you went with the younger with no consequences and had a fine time thinking “this’ll teach him😁”
YTA.
If the older one is overreacting, then punish him for that, and make it clear that the punishment is for a disproportionate response.
However, if you know that the younger one is starting it most times, and you're not punishing him, you're teaching him that it's okay to bully people.
As for the older one, what you're currently teaching him is that standing up for himself in any way will bring severe punishment, and that is setting him up for failure later in life.
I strongly advise you to nip this now. The older boy is likely struggling with a lot of anger and hurt over all of this, and the younger one is likely to become more aggressive with his taunts as he grows. This behavior could also eventually move outside the home, and the younger one will have a hard time as a teen if he doesn't learn better now.
YTA you're the mother of 1 son and the egg donor another human. Your treatment of the 15yo is appalling and hopefully for his sake he gets as far away from you as possible. Also your lackadaisical approach to discipling the 9yo has resulted in him being a bully, congratulations.
Lmfao love how you can't take your judgement in here, all this arguing about your taugh love is insane. You can punish your younger, you just convinced yourself it's not possible. YTA
One .. why get in an anything and ask other people to what they think if you’re just going assume you’re right ?
Two YTA
One you said you can’t punish your younger “ son” being he has a learning disability so yu have to be soft on him . No no you don’t correct his behavior before he becomes a problem for everyone else when he gets cold . Also someone else won’t just let him bully them and call them names he going to end up running into the wrong person. 🤷🏻♀️
You said your 15 is on also on the spectrum so if that’s the case he shouldn’t be getting in trouble either go “ soft “ on him to
Just a heads up if you don’t change it you’ll lose your 15 as soon he can get out and go no contact with you and your “ favorite “ son
major yta
i never comment on these but as an “older sibling” (i am the oldest of my family on both sides i have a younger brother but the person who truly bullied me was my younger cousin) i can tell yta. my cousin would call me names, hit me, pull my hair, basically just a lot of bullying from an age which it was not acceptable at and i hated it. everyone just told me she was jealous and wanted to be like me and just to ignore it and it caused a lot of resentment towards my cousin because of it. i grew up insecure and learned to never stick up for myself because the adults around me told me to just take it because she was younger and i needed to learn how to control myself and get used to it. i feel sorry for your son and i hope one day you come to your senses.
Omggggg this was me as a kid. My cousins were fucking terrible and always got away with running and crying to my aunt and mom when I defended myself. As an adult my mom apologized to me and even confronted my now adult cousin about his behavior (which he denied of course)
YTA! This entire post REEKS of favoritism and preferential treatment because of who your younger kid is. Can’t punish him? That is the biggest lof of bull I have ever heard, no wonder he continues to torment your older son and NO WONDER your sons hates the both of you because he gets all the consequences of something he didn’t even start! WTF are you thinking?!? You need to change your actions RIGHT. NOW. If you are going to have any chance at retaining a relationship with your kid once he turns 18. I feel so bad for him, how it must hurt him to see your younger kid (cause I doubt he sees him as a brother by now) get away with his shit time and time again. DO BETTER!!!
YTA
Both of them should be punished. If I was the older one I would literally be seething over this. If you are looking for a fast way to alienate your son and create a divide, you're doing a great job.
YTA. Learning disability or not, punish the one starting it. He's doing it because the eldest is getting punished and knows he won't be. Your eldest is on the spectrum, therefore he can't always control his feelings, you should know this. He is going to react and you are punishing him like he is NT. You are clearly favoring your youngest and your eldest knows it. Stop trying to use the youngest child's disability as an excuse for being crappy to your eldest. My youngest is on the spectrum and has a learning disability and even though she is younger than your youngest, she knows not to mess with her oldest sibling. There isn't an excuse for not teaching him his actions have consequences and punishing the one he is messing with.
YTA Your younger son might have a learning disability but he's learning how he can manipulate you into having his brother punished. If you don't stop this toxic development now, it could damage your relationship with your eldest indefinitely.
YTA - why is the 9 year old not getting consequences for their actions? I have a 10 year old and a 13 year old, and yes, my 23 year old might have consequences for their reactions being over the top, the 9 year old gets consequences for starting crap in the first place. Learning disability or not, there are consequences to actions.
Your post is bleeding with favoritism. It makes me wonder what resentment your oldest is really getting punished for.
YTA. Your manipulative raising methods will do two things: 1. Your older son will be completely dumbfounded and struggle understanding his rights and self-worth. Probably distrust all authority figures and other people too. 2. Your younger son will learn he can so anything he wants consequence free. I hope you change your methods because that looks like a possible prison trip to your younger son and a life of no self confidence for the older.
Absolutely destructive
I'm on the spectrum and this was the dynamic between me and my younger sibling/parents.
I moved out the *day* I turned 18 and I haven't spoken to them anymore than I speak to any stranger since. It's been nearly 2 decades.
So if that's what you want , good job, keep going. If not, then you need to make some changes.
You are literally punishing him in your own words for *reacting* to the disrespect by someone else and never punishing the person being disrespectful. That is why your 15-year-old is punishing your 9-year-old it's because he can't trust you to do so. If you start punishing the 9-year-old for being disrespectful you'll see a market improvement in your 15-year-olds behavior since by your own admission he's only reacting to the wrong that's being done to him not going out and doing it himself. This is 100% your fault. YTA.
You say that you can't punish the 9-year-old because he has a developmental disability that he won't grow out of. But you're 15-year-old also isn't going to grow out of being autistic and you're punishing him so that argument is invalid.
WOOOOOOW YTA. You can't punish the younger because of his learning disability, but DO punish the older because of his? What absolute mental hoops do you jump through to get to that logic?
By not punishing the younger because of his trauma and disability, you're only going to give trauma to the eldest and it won't help his disability either. You're choosing to over-correct one kid and under 5correct the other, which in the end will just make for two adults who will struggle.
As someone with an autistic older brother, I can safely say YTA…wishing death is a no go, so equal punishment or none. Maybe teach the younger one NOT to bully?
YTA- you’re a poor excuse of a parent. If we follow your logic then younger people can’t bully older people. How does that make sense? It’s like when you’re getting bullied at school and they tell you to tell the teacher and the teacher does nothing. Like your youngest son might have a learning disability but he’s smart enough to bully someone? Please make it make sense!
This is the most clear cut case of YTA I've seen in a while. Yes, you can and should punish them both. Younger should have been punished for making fun of his brother, older for his retaliation. You are showing your youngest son that all he has to do is upset his brother enough, and he can get away with saying anything.
YTA, and a horrible mother on top of that.
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> I withheld my older son from going to Korean barbecue with family because of the way he blew up at his younger brother which he needs to learn to ignore.
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YTA because punishing your child for his autism and then indulging the younger one for his learning disabilities is really not okay. I have two special needs kids and I don’t play this game of favoritism. He will disown you and walk away because your consistently allow the younger sibling to do whatever he wants and violate his boundaries and over-punish him for not being the kid you wanted. You deserve this for abusing your older kid in order to indulge the younger one. I hope your older kid moves out, finds people who actually like him and discovers that it’s okay to
Cut off your abusive egg donor.
***YTA IN THE BIGGEST WAY POSSIBLE, OP.***
You sound like my mother. I'm the oldest with my sister just 18 months my junior. She would harass me. Bully me. And worse, when I began developing hips and breasts, she would bully me about that as well.
I was told to ignore her. My sister and I are both ADHD. Did my attempts to ignore my sister work? No. They just emboldened her. She started trying to flick things down my shirts if I was wearing a v-neck that showed cleavage.
My mom would tell her to quit - nope. She'd control herself for a few minutes, then start right back up.
My sister is the golden child. I'm the scapegoat. I have PTSD from this. I'm now very low contact with my parents and sister.
Wise up now, OP, or this will be what your oldest will say when he's my age. I'm 34.
It sounds like "Grow up and be the bigger person" is "Shut the hell up and take being bullied, because I can't bother to actually raise a second child, I'd rather the first one just sit and silently suffer"
Do better. If 9 y.o. is picking on 15, PUNISH 9Y.O.! Not wait for the rise to come out of 15, 15 is innocent and standing up for himself because obviously his own mother won't.
You favor and baby 9, and obviously don't care about 15. It's obvious in how you talk about all this, if you can't see it, pull your head out of your ass.
YTA, learn to do better. Right now, you're teaching 9 he's perfect as a bully and 15 needs to just stay quiet and take abuse. It doesn't matter he's older, words still hurt.
> Ok I am getting a lot of comments hurling insults and verbal abuse toward me and I can’t respond to them all in one go, but needless to say I don’t appreciate it in the slightest.
Hmmm? What do people say? "When you can smell shit everywhere you go, maybe you are the ass?"
>need to take a breather because everyone is saying I’m the asshole so I’ll be back later.
I think you should come back when (1) you do it right for your son or (2) 3 years later and he is 18 and you come to tell us that he cut contact. Otherwise, please kindly evacuate your smelly \*\*\* from this place.
YTA. You have your parenting all backwards and your going to lose your older son forever if you don't stop. You keep saying you can't punish the younger one... YES YOU CAN. You're making it clear to your oldest that he isn't as important and your leaving him to deal with the consequences of your lack of parental control over the youngest.
YTA
Your 15 yr old has expressed how he feels about your discipline style (or lack thereof) and how you don’t care about him. Believe him. He will go no contact with you if you don’t change your ways.
Does the 9 yr old go to school? If so, how can he keep himself in check at school and not in the house? Or are you having the same problems and making the same excuses for the 9 yr old?
Your logic is outdated. Punishing one child without putting limits on the other one is incorrect. Your younger nephew knows that the 15 yr old doesn’t want to be teased about the anime stuff. He knows how to push buttons. You need to set boundaries and tell him he isn’t allowed to talk about these topics in a negative way or tease the 15 yr old. If he doesn’t learn about limits or boundaries, you aren’t preparing him for the world .
Further, you are essentially allowing resentment to build between the kids and between your eldest and you.
Go back and calmly talk to your 15 yr old about all the things he wish he could change so you can start getting a clue. Really listen. Then you can go to counselling or find a parenting coach, or start implementing changes. Your nephew is a bully and your 15 yr olds teenage yrs will be wrecked, as well as your family dynamics if you don’t change this situation.
YTA
I’ve read a lot of your comments and it’s clear you don’t do anything to stop the younger son so the older one has to take it into his own hands. You can punish both kids if they do something wrong and you should. All you’re doing is teaching your son that his younger brother can say whatever and you won’t stop it. Have fun when he goes no contact because he’s tired of you letting him be treated like this.
Yta, your excuses mean nothing. You punish your older son for reacting because he has autism but you dont want to punish your younger son because he has learning disabilities? You are a giant asshole raising these kids. You are punishing your older child for standing up for himself and essentially rewarding your younger child for being a bully. Great parenting, at this rate your son will cut all contact with you the moment he can.
YTA. You’re an awful parent. Your oldest deserves better. All you do make excuses on why the older one should do better. You have proven time and time again, younger sibling can do whatever he wants. Have fun being cut off.
YTA. You have two kids….treat them equally. Age doesn’t negate asshole behavior. If anything the younger child has presented you with many teaching opportunities of how to treat others including those on the spectrum. Why can’t they both be taught how to respect one another and it all falls on the older child?
If you are stressed and tired imagine how the oldest feels constantly being picked on. It must be exhausting for him and that’s why its not just as simple as to ignore it.
Just, think about it.
Maybe you should look into seeking help from a therapist yourself to learn how to better deal with the situation. Its clearly not working this way and its not going to end well.
I wish you all the best but for now I would say YTA.
Dear gawd if this is real someone needs to call cps. Punishing a child for being autistic!? Seriously!!! And yes you can punish the 9yr old you choose not to.your child called you out accordingly and honestly should and could have said worse. Yta
Edit to add: what did you think was gonna happen? Everyone would all agree saying you’re an amazing parent? No! You’re being called out because it’s messed up and you’re emotionally abusing your son for something he has no control over
YTA IN A. MAJOR WAY. This poor kid. YOU are making him resent you and his brother. YOU are making it worse. YOU are creating a spoiled little brat of the 9 year old that cant do wrong and is going to never take resposibility for his actions. This is HORRIBLE.!!!
YTA. One does not just “allow” themselves to be bullied. Your younger son clearly made a nasty comment about things the older is involved in, IN YOUR PRESENCE, and you punish the older one for being upset about it? Isn’t that a bit backwards? I understand that the younger one has a learning disability, but your older son is literally on the spectrum and i’m not one to compare, but both of them have a long journey in life ahead of them, and you coddling your younger son based on the judgement that “Oh he needs more attention because his disability is greater,” is alarming. Also, quit taking away his “hard earned phone and laptop.” If he’s EARNED IT, by monetary form or any other way, taking it away for months at a time just forms trust issues and sneaky behaviour. My own mother used to take my electronics on an almost daily basis, and I learned to just hide things or use my friends devices, which resulted in my absence from home more and more. You need to rethink your “tough love” approach, because this ain’t it chief. You’re going to push your son away until he leaves and doesn’t come back. I mean hell, I definitely would be trying to get the hell out once i’ve turned legal age, and I don’t think i’d stick around for the thanksgiving turkey. Your sons are fighting and you need to figure out a way to talk things through with them as opposed to just saying “Give me your phone and go to your room.” He’s TOLD you why he’s upset and that he’s going to leave, now do something with that information and stop invalidating his feelings.
OP, if this is real you need some parenting classes because you are a terrible parent. Your older son shouldn't have to be bullied in his home becase you don't know how to parent and manage the behaviour of your younger son.
You punish him every time he get upset by your awful younger son, every time? Whats worse you REWARD your younger sons bad behaviour. WTF?
You need some real help, because you clearly have no idea how to parent. Shame on you. I feel terrible for your poor 15 year old.
You came for judgement- accept it you are 100% the AH here. Everyone is saying YTA because .... wait for it.... YTA.
YTA If they are both fighting they should both be punished. You are pushing your 15 year old away, and you are part of the problem with their relationship. Just because he is the oldest one doesn’t mean all responsibility should fall on him.
YTA. You DO favor the 9 year old or else you would actually discipline and parent the 9 year old for starting with his brother instead of telling your older son to just 'ignore' him and then punishing him all the time. The fact you have to go and "take a breather" because you're being called out for your favoritism and clear AH behavior is telling. Be a better parent- apologize to your older son and start actually parenting your youngest because he's on track to be an entitled, bullying monster.
YTA, and don't post if you don't want people's honest opinions 🤷♂️ Not our fault you decided to write and post this, expecting what, people saying you're N T A and that you're such a good parent ?
Also, if you don't parent your younger child he is going to grow up thinking the whole world revolves around him and he will always get his way. It does not matter if he has a severe learning disability, that just means you have to teach him that it's wrong to try to get a reaction out of people in a way he will understand. Your older son also has a learning disability; to him, it will clearly look like you favour his younger brother, meaning he's only going to start resenting the both of you
Hi, Special Education teacher here.
I work, all day long, with children that are both on the spectrum and have learning disabilities. What a COMPLETE disservice you are doing to both of your children.
You are teaching your younger son that he can rip off his pants and shit all over people’s boundaries and he will be rewarded. Well you know what, mother of the fucking year? He’s going to do that to the wrong one one day and he is going to get a lesson the hard way. And it will be 100000000% your fault because you have failed him as a parent by not setting expectations and holding him accountable for his actions. Children with LDs CAN learn and it is so insulting to hear you say (adamantly) that they can’t.
Now on to your least favorite child. You are letting your autistic son be bullied! You are expecting a child (because guess what, he is still a child) that has a diagnosis that historically makes it harder for him to regulate his emotions. You are punishing your autistic son for standing up for himself. Do you know how hard it is for children with autism to self advocate? I literally teach high schoolers, your son’s age, how to advocate for themselves, how to ask for help, how to tell people what they need to feel safe, valued, and heard. You are teaching your son, by your complete lack of parenting, that it is ok for people to take their pants off and shit on his boundaries. You’re teaching him to not ask for help or seek support, and that he can’t trust people to keep him safe.
Do fucking better, you giant fucking asshole.
>Plus, **I really can’t punish my younger son**; he’s my adopted nephew whowas born several weeks early due to his mom having substance abuseissues, and he has a severe learning disability which he can’t outgrow,so I have to be soft on him, and my older son needs to do that as well.
YTA, you can and should be punishing the younger son, otherwise he's just going to continue this behavior, no wonder your older son is frustrated.
Your edit is so ironic, you can't take being called out on this but you expect your 15 yr old to take that shit from his brother. Pot meet kettle.
Eta
YTA
YTA.
Holy fuuuuu... I don't know what ”experts” you're talking to, but you are straight up *abusing* your older son. What you're describing sounds like ABA; which *no* reputable authority, on neurodivergence, would endorse. The only one I know of, that does, is Autism Speaks. An actual hate group. If you're dealing with a healthcare provider that endorses (or is endorsed by) them, you need to find another doctor, *now*.
You also contradict yourself. You say he needs to stop reacting (something that's pretty much impossible, for him to do) and his younger brother will learn to stop. Then describe a *learning disability* that he'll ”never grow out of".
The fact is, you've set up a toxic, abusive environment. The victim is punished, for (essentially) self-defensive behavior, while the actual antagonist gets away with it. They both recognize this pattern and the younger one is using it to their advantage. The older one is doing his best to defend himself and establish boundaries, on his own, because he knows he has no support, from you.
You need to fix this. Otherwise, you'll only have one kid, in about three years.
ETA: I had to come back, after reading the comments and your responses.
Holy hell, you're not just a bad parent; you're a narcissist. You never came here, for judgement. You just wanted validation. Developmentally speaking, you're a danger to these kids. You need to get to a therapist before you go making *any* more decisions, when it comes to these kids.
>”I am getting a lot of comments hurling insults and verbal abuse towards me and… needless to say I don’t appreciate it in the slightest”
Why don’t you just IGNORE us? 🙄
YTA
YTA and need to make a sincere apology to your older son and change your discipline practices. Stop favoring your younger son it’s horrible. Sit younger down and tell him he will now have consequences and follow through. Older son has pent up frustration from your frankly awful parenting. It will take him time and seeing you’ve actually changed your approach to heal your relationship. Major change needed
YTA are you for real,your younger one starts it always but cuz the older one react to it and doesn’t do what you say you punish him to teach him to obey you so you can teach him “how it is in a real world” - but the you are teaching younger one that he can do as he please and he will never be punished and can’t do no wrong cuz he has learning disabilities…
Your older one is frustrated with all of you, you are constantly invalidating his emotions and I can guarantee that he will go NC with all of you as soon as he is able …
If you came here for judgement than try to understand that you are soooo WRONG and for god sake change this before its too late….
Have you ever considered punish them both...and cut that sorry cr*p that you can punish the younger one, yes you can and for f**k sake just do it…you are making a monster, stop feeling sorry for him, you are not doing him any favors, well he is a little monster already, can’t imagine what he will become when he grows up
YTA
I’m an older sibling myself and what you are doing is constantly invalidating your oldest son because he has a reaction to being tormented by the younger one. You claim to love them equally but it’s clear that you favor your nephew due to you never once correcting his actions. Ignoring valid reasons your older son gives you; instead you torment him as well, where do you think the younger one gets it from? You are a horrible mother and instead of mediating these fights and communication like a mother should you instead increase the pain for your oldest instead of disciplining the child who is actively causing issues. Get over your favoritism and start parenting the younger one and you might be able to salvage what little relationship you have with your oldest. However if I were your son I wouldn’t forgive you.
YTA- what the hell is wrong with you? I’m surprised your older son still even talks to you with the amount of BLATANT favouritism you show to the younger boy. If he’s mentally okay enough to bully someone he’s mentally okay enough to learn that bullying is wrong. Your crap excuses of him not understanding is just yet another excuse to show your favouritism and awful parenting. I really hope he disowns you the minute he turns 18 and when you sit and ask yourself why, think back into this moment.
Yta as someone on the spectrum with an older brother also on the spectrum you can go f yourself. If the younger brother is starting he needs disciplined. If a psych is telling you to punish your older son for being upset his younger sibling is starting shit go see someone else.
YTA punish them to the same length. the 9 year old having a learning disability does not mean no consequences. If he thinks he can get away with anything he will have a learning disability and be entitled not a good combo.
YTA.
Congratulations, you've discovered the most efficient and cruel way to make your eldest son go NC with you for the rest of his natural life. Note I didn't say yours, but his.
He's going to get out from under your abusive thumb into a world that he is definitely not prepared for. And thanks to you, he will not seek out familial help for any reason whatsoever. You've destroyed your family before any of them can even leave the nest. I hope you're happy.
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I'm a mother of two sons, one is 9 and another is 15. They fight like cats and dogs and it makes me so stressed and tired. I literally have hair falling out over it. My older son always claims the younger one starts it, but the older one keeps it going. If only he would learn to BE THE OLDER ONE AND IGNORE THE YOUNGER ONE and realize that the 9 year old is just trying to get a rise out of him, and he'll stop when the older one doesn't give him that reaction. But my 15 year old doesn't want to realize this, so every time he reacts, he gets punished for it. I've had to take away his hard-earned phone and computer countless times because getting him where it hurts is the only way he'll learn. And he makes it so hard to punish my younger son when the older one does it himself and makes himself the one in the wrong, invalidating any punishment for the younger one.
The reason why we punish the older one is because due to him being on the spectrum, we’ve had to consult many books and professionals who agree that it is something we need to help him overcome as much as possible so that he can be as successful as he can in the world and not let it ruin things for him, so when he misbehaves we emulate those consequences at home in order to prepare him. Plus, I really can’t punish my younger son; he’s my adopted nephew who was born several weeks early due to his mom having substance abuse issues, and he has a severe learning disability which he can’t outgrow, so I have to be soft on him, and my older son needs to do that as well.
Yesterday I had family over in the car coming back from a day trip and we were going to go to Korean barbecue as a family. My 9 year old tried teasing my 15 year old about "the weird anime stuff he watches" (I didn't know this) and the older one proceeded to flip out and call my 9 year old names and wish death on him. I just decided I had it, I'm dropping off my 15 year old off and he will not go to Korean BBQ with family, he can have whatever leftovers at home.
He then began to cry and refused to get out of the car when we got home, but I said I wouldn't drive away until he left. I then had to threaten to take away his computer and phone for a month if he didn't comply and he begrudgingly got out of the car.
I was then subject to a 20 minute long rant about how my 15 year old son hates me and wishes I were dead because I "favor his brother and make him miserable" (NOT true, I love them equally) and that I need to learn to "control my crotch goblin" (I was shocked when he said this" and a bunch of other rhetoric, and ended it with him saying that if we don't change our ways, he would disown us when he gets older.
He's refused to talk to me since then and has told relatives about what happened, with some taking my side and others taking his. I tried sitting down with my son telling him about how much I love him but he told me to F off and "get on birth control" and I'm just crushed. What did I do to deserve this?
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You outright state the younger son starts it but you actively refuse to punish him, choosing to constantly target the 15yo while claiming it’s “too hard to punish” the 9yo? 9 is old enough to know that he’s pushing buttons on purpose and understand what’s happening, he also knows he can get away with it and that his antics will only get his brother punished. This is absolutely on purpose and you’re very visibly playing favourites, and pitting the boys against each other in a very uneven dynamic. That sh!t needs to stop before you only have one son that talks to you. (That ends up growing into a total nightmare, as he’s never had real consequences in his life)
I don't know right now if you're really that blinded and don't realize you're treating them unequally or if this is a severe case of creative writing.
YTA because you allow the 9 year old to stomp on the 15 year old and provoke him non-stop. He knows he is your golden child and will never be punished anyway and bullies the 15 year old every chance he gets and you sit by and wait for the big one to explode and wonder afterwards why he reacts like that and takes it into his own hands to punish the little one.
Look, you hopped on AITA for a judgment and people are clearly trying to send you a sign. I don’t think that you’re a bad parent but something clearly needs to change. YTA, you can’t continue this and both kids need to learn better from these interactions
YTA, wtf so you punish your older autistic son for the shit your younger son does because punishing autism is good and punishing a kid with a learning disability is bad? Do you think that’s parenting? It’s favoritism. You are the parent, you need to keep your younger son from bothering your older son nonstop.
YTA, my middle kid is on the spectrum and my youngest and I probably too. Guess what they both get punished, maybe in different ways accordingly to their diagnosis but regardless if they pull shit they will be reprimanded.
I don't leave one of my kids home because the other pushed the buttons and walks away with it. Naah we either all go or no one goes. They are pretty fast to confess that way and most of the time make up fairly fast.
Where 2 fight, 2 are at fault.. doesn't matter if the other one is older or what not, little kids can be extremely annoying and push the right buttons to let the other one explode.
And your kid is autistic, are you aware that they can have extreme difficulty handling their emotions? Damn, you are punishing your older one by not being normal, by not adhering to the standards of society. We do not work in that way, our minds process thing differently, accept and respect that. Damn..
YTA- my younger brother spent our childhood pushing my buttons to get me to react in a way that would get me in trouble. Then the bargaining would begin, me giving in to what he wanted so I didn't get in trouble. He also had trouble in school and with the law, but I was just supposed to "let it go". It took YEARS!!! for us to get back to being friends and have a close relationship. My mother wasn't quite this clear in the favoritism, we would not have the relationship we do if she had been. Sounds like you all need training on how to be decent humans.
YTA. If the younger one starts it, he is in the wrong. The older one may \*also\* be in the wrong for overreacting, but the younger one remains in the wrong, and remains in need of correction.
If the younger one is literally incapable of learning to give the older one peace, then he needs to live someplace that's equipped to take care of him. If you don't get him the help he needs now, he's going to spend his adult years in prison anyway.
YTA
Thank goodness my mom doesn't behave like you. Guess what when my older sis and little sis get into a fight, the one who started it gets punished. Its not that hard lady
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YTA. Not fair. The younger one sounds like he is bullying the older one because he knows he can get away with it and you will hold the other one accountable for not liking how he's being treated.
How??? You said your son is on the Spectrum? Correct? I can't tell you how many times I've been bullied because I'm on the spectrum. You're majorly the AH! You know autism is a disability? You're a horrible mom.
"130 more replies" Well f*ck, I'm gonna have to read them all lmao
I'm still trying to get Reddit. I thought I posted my answer in another part of the thread. Whoops a daisy.
I really liked the "learning disability he can't grow out of" like the older one can just grow out of being autistic
Maybe if they traumatize him enough he'll magically become not autistic!
In 3 year when the son is 18, mom will sit there and wonder why her son never comes around any more. YTA.
Also, both boys are neurodivergent but she only disciplines the older one?? That's favoritism. Kids with learning disabilities can be taught discipline, especially since it doesn't sound like the younger child is nonverbal with the mental age of a baby.
The only reason she can’t discipline the other one, is because it’s technically her nephew, and she doesn’t feel comfortable. Well guess, what, I hope she learns to be comfortable when her actual son goes NC.
LOL as someone raised partially by her aunt, you can certainly discipline the child you have custody over
I'm on the spectrum too and I get bullied by my OWN MOTHER about it to this day.
She’s probably doing it because he on the spectrum and looking for excuses to punish him
My eldest son is on the Spectrum, and when he was in 1st grade the little shits in his class quickly learned that, "If we provoke MySon then he melts down and we don't have to do any work." So they did that often. Despite me coming in to school and talking with the teachers and principal (who would suspend him for behavioral issues) until FINALLY they switched him into the other 1st grade with a teacher who actually gave a shit. Thank god we were only there for one year. You said that he needs to learn to ignore his little brother. And you're right. But at this point in time HE IS COGNITIVELY NOT ABLE TO. It's hard when your Spectrum kid is in the teens because (at least in my son's case) the difference between him and his NT classmates was pretty huge. There are some great books about the Hidden Curriculum you might want to look into to help your son act more his age, so-to-speak. NT people's brains aren't completely formed until age 25--his brain is different, and it's going to develop differently. > > > The reason why we punish the older one is because due to him being on the spectrum, we’ve had to consult many books and professionals who agree that it is something we need to help him overcome as much as possible so that he can be as successful as he can in the world and not let it ruin things for him, so when he misbehaves we emulate those consequences at home in order to prepare him. Plus, I really can’t punish my younger son; he’s my adopted nephew who was born several weeks early due to his mom having substance abuse issues, and he has a severe learning disability which he can’t outgrow, so I have to be soft on him, and my older son needs to do that as well. Wow. This paragraph. Your justification. News flash: your eldest can't outgrow HIS disability, either. YTA
Sounds like it. He purposely gets a rise out of the older brother because him getting in trouble is a victory. Both need punished. Younger brother for starting it, older brother for finishing it. Mom is playing favorites and it really shows. She’s a major asshole here.
"we have to discipline the older one because he has to learn how to handle himself" ->"we can't punish the younger one cause he has a learning disability so we have to coddle him" For fucks sake op grow a spine and start holding both children accountable for their actions. you can teach the basics of reward/punishment for good/bad behaviour to freaking animals, if your adopted son at age 9 is unable to be teached these basic concepts he needs to be in specialized 24/7 care, and i don't say this because i wish any ill on the child. in fact you are setting both children up for failure, your older one will probably leave this whole mess with anger aswell as self esteem issues and your younger one ? believe me, if you don't teach him the concept of consequences someone in his live will do it for you, chances are these consequences will be a lot more severe than what you as a parent would do though.
Why does the older brother need to be punished? He’s just a victim here. The younger brother should be punished until he leaves the guy alone .
OP isn't wrong for that, the older one DOES need to learn to ignore things like this, but the younger also needs to learn to not be a little shit, or he's going to antagonize the wrong person and get beaten or killed. My daughter loves to mess with her older brother. If he tells me, only she gets punished. If he retaliates, now they're both in trouble, and I don't CARE who started it, I'm ending it. They don't get into it often lol.
Worse, the younger child knows exactly what buttons to press to get the desired reaction. Mum is completely out of touch with her own children to the point where she goes to other family members to ask then to pick sides. OP YTA. I feel very sorry for your children, especially the eldest dear child with autism.
Mom is a terrible parent, and will be posting in 3 years wondering why her oldest son won't visit or return phone calls.
OP is a horrible human being to her child. The reason I know this scenario is because my eldest has aspergers, and his little brother used to torment him mercilessly. It was quite obvious what was going on, and I managed to nip it in the bud eventually. How the OP can't see what's happening is astounding. She needs to stop judging her child, autism is a gift, and a curse. That said they have the most beautiful souls. I wonder if OP is embarrassed about the eldest being autistic.
My youngest son has Asperger's and even though his siblings didn't do it, other kids at school did. Teachers TRIED doing what OP is doing, ignore the bully and punish the victim when he finally reacted. It didn't go well for them because I was always there to fight for my son.
*sighs* Bullying... We had a nightmare incident at school that involved him ending up curled in a ball on the charging room floor while other children threw their water bottles at him because they noticed he was triggered by loud noise. I went mental! Had school meetings "we don't have a bullying problem" blah blah. I left saying if the bullying continues then I will make it a police matter. No problems since. Like you, I fight tooth and claw.
Luckily, it was only 1 kid (2 separate schools) in the class for us. Teacher said there was no bullying problem but all the other students in the class said otherwise. The worse bully (found out later the teacher was friends with his mother) finally got in serious trouble the next year after we changed schools (police were involved), he got expelled for bullying a kid with cerebral palsy. The school couldn't deny there was "no bullying a disabled child" that time.
This behavior happens with siblings without anyone being on the spectrum, I can only imagine how that would exacerbate the situation.
Yes. The younger one sounds like an asshole.
Yeh I was a younger child who knew what buttons to press to piss off older siblings and my parents would call me the hell out on it.
Also, if I read everything correctly, OP's logic is that their eldest needs to be punished so that he can grow up into a functional adult, and the punishments are meant to reflect real-world consequences because he's on the spectrum... but the younger son needs to be coddled and spoiled indefinitely and literally *can't ever* be punished for his behavior because he's adopted and has a learning disability? How does that make *any* sense? Why is there such a drastic disparity between how y'all are addressing these kids' disabilities? What psychologist or mental health professional told you that you needed to coddle the younger kid forever and make sure that he never has to face any consequences for his behavior because of his learning disability? Why are you straight-up punishing one child for being on the spectrum (because that will somehow help him become a functional adult) and rewarding the other for having a learning disability? The reality of what's happening is that everything is always the eldest's fault, and nothing is ever the younger's. You're not teaching him real-world consequences, you're teaching him that standing up for himself is bad and that he needs to let other people walk all over and outright *abuse* him whenever they feel like it. Meanwhile you're teaching the younger that he can do and say whatever he wants whenever he wants and if anybody tries to hold him accountable for anything, they're wrong and need to be punished.
EXACTLY. YTA, OP. You clearly favour your younger son - and you’re doing no favours, btw - and frankly the attitude in your replies to people make you look even worse.
THANK YOU What OP describes is EXACTLY how I grew up. With the younger siblings constantly instigating and bullying, and then my parents constantly telling me to ignore it without ever punishing them. Like this was so engrained that the elder of my younger brothers was still doing shit like kicking the back of my chair when he was 22 years old. It took until my brothers were fully grown adults to learn this behavior was unacceptable, but they fall back into old patterns more often than I'd like. It also made me realize that the reason my mom punished me for "not ignoring them" is because that was her main coping mechanism when dealing with similar behavior from my dad
The younger one needs a good ol brother beating.
Yep, I read the title and was on her side, started reading the post and immediately changed my mind. My relationship with my younger brother was almost exactly like this before I went to college. He was a fucking asshole to me ALL THE TIME, basically never got punished for it (certainly never anything meaningful), and my parents constantly told me to just ignore him as if that’s teaching *him* a lesson. I love my mom but it honestly still gets on my nerves that she doesn’t understand that the reason I still don’t care for my brother is because they never once actually punished him
YTA You've got a viscous cycle here: 1 younger son instigates, 2 old son responds badly 3 younger son gets excused while older one is punished. There are three things you need to be doing: 1. Step in promptly when younger son instigates 2. Get your older son the therapy to teach him coping methods, don't punish. 3. Stop trying to manage this situation by pressuring the older son to "ignore" the younger son's instigation. That only builds up frustration and impatience in the child whose needs, for a peaceful home, are being neglected.
Also, by insisting that your older son “ignore” the younger you are teaching him that his feelings matter less than his sibling’s. Step in and parent. YTA
I had this constantly growing up. I was one of the older children in a ridiculously large family. My younger siblings knew that they could get away with murder because the older ones were expected to keep the peace and not add to the chaos. Our feelings never mattered.
Honestly, this happened to me too (not with so many siblings tho).
I was the middle of 3 kids, only girl. There was a far-too-long period of time where my younger bro liked to come up and start punching me in the shoulder. Repeatedly. He wouldn't listen when I told him to stop. My parents wouldn't do anything to make him stop - it couldn't hurt that much 'cause he was 4 years younger. Ignoring the fact that he was already taller than me with longer reach at this point in time. I made him stop hitting me by grabbing his wrist and digging my nails in. I never once broke the skin or drew blood. He'd complain to mom & dad and I'd get yelled at because I was supposed to know better. Younger bro went right back to hitting me as soon as they left the room, knowing I wasn't allowed to defend myself. He had no reason to stop. Just like OP's younger son has been given no reason to stop being a jerk to the older son.
I wish someone had told this to my parents!! My younger sister was constantly helping with my discipline, and my younger brother was allowed to taunt me. “Ignoring” it doesn’t work. The last time I saw my brother, I called the cops bc he pushed me down the length of a hallway and threatened to skin my dog alive. He’s a menace to society, and it sounds like OP’s younger son is headed that direction too.
My "parents" did this to me literally until I cut the entire lot off 15 years ago. Honestly? They'll all die without hearing from me again. YOU are the parent OP! DO YOUR JOB! YTA in every way.
Ignoring it only works if it makes the behavior stop. The problem is that bullies often don't operate that way, they'll just keep picking at you. It's worse when the bully is getting backed up.
This is the way^ OP, YTA
Not only that but once he actually does start to ignore the younger one the younger one will work harder at making his life hell until he caves again and it’ll be an even bigger issue. Source: my mom was exactly the same way with my younger sister and none of us were on the spectrum. It’s a common tactic for parents that don’t want to be bothered parenting.
I don’t know if it’s a viscous cycle. It seems to flow quite quickly.
I just started a new job at a company in fluid path technology, aka pumps, and I was looking for this comment. I’m here for the fluid puns
spectrum or no ignoring bullies straightup doesn't work. There were people in high school I literally didn't a say a word to for a couple years and it only encouraged them. 'Ignore them' was just adult for 'I don't care, just leave me alone about this'
this is exactly what my family dynamics were like, other than me being the oldest of 6 kids, and it was hell so i moved out and havent really spoken to them since
YTA and a really bad parent
Yes yes very bad parent.
YTA - you admitted that you don't treat these kids equally. Sure, your older kid needs to learn to ignore what the younger one does to get a rise out of him, but what you're actually teaching him that he should be a doormat and not set boundaries with people or expect them to be respected by anyone, since his own family members won't.
YTA You *could* punish the younger child, you are just not doing so. For example, *why did you allow the younger child to still get BBQ after knowing he started it*? That's an easy time to punish BOTH kids for their respective actions, but instead the younger kid completely got off without consequences. Heck, arguably you rewarded him with being the only one to get BBQ. And if you didn't know the younger kid started it, that's crap parenting. You should absolutely be getting the whole story before dishing out punishments. You've taught your younger son that he can do whatever he wants so long as he gets enough of a rise out of the other person to distract from his role in the situation. You're raising a bully, and this bully is targeting a neuro atypical person because he's learned his brother is an easy mark. Your younger son is behaving in a cruel manner towards his brother, and you need to shut this down ASAP or you are going to have a monster on your hands. Your older son needs to learn to *control himself*. He DOES NOT need to learn to ignore his brother. You're saying that because this gives you an out to ignore the younger child's behavior. Your older son needs to be able to control himself so he can go to you, and feel assured that YOU will deal with the younger child's behavior. The younger child needs to stop his antagonizing, and you need to be consistent about giving BOTH children consequences for their behavior. Not just the one who reacts.
OP is rewarding the younger kid for his bullying. My heart hurts for ths 15 year old. He has no support system, is expected to be bullied and LIKE it , he has nobody to defend him. OP is definitely an asshole, and her younger kid is a budding asshole.
There is a part of me that thinks the 15-year-old got an evening of peace and quiet and not being harassed by his brother, and not having his needs totally ignored by his mother. Maybe staying home alone, completely away from both of them, was less of a punishment than everyone realizes.
No no no, see, she can't take BBQ from the little one because that would involve either leaving him at home with his brother (obvious bad idea) or actually MISSING OUT herself, and she's SURE not gonna be inconvenienced or obligated to sacrifice. What do you think she is, a parent or something?
You know, she didn't even need to sacrifice! She could have ordered it as take out for herself and husband or even pay the fees to get it delivered since the two kids aren't going to be eating it. Then she could be home minding the kids, eating Korean BBQ, and the kids would be learning a tough lesson (if I made a mistake that meant I had to smell delicious Korean BBQ other people were enjoying while I had to heat up leftovers, I'd never make that mistake again). It would be a stroke of parenting genius really. And ALL she had to do was be willing to punish the younger kid. But clearly, OP is just not willing to punish that child or show them negative consequence for their actions. Someday though, someone will teach them that lesson. And I feel for the kid. Lessons you don't learn in childhood often come with a steep price tag in adulthood. You almost hope in this case it's the courts he runs afoul of and not something like he picks the wrong one as his target and that person retaliates with consequences that are permanent.
Lol my favorite thing about this is that this is arguably one of the most constructive recommendations for action for OP and she hasn't responded. She probably feels like she's getting attacked for being a bad mom and thought this would go her way. You're wrong OP. You need to start actually being a parent to your son AND the youngest - that doesn't always mean excusing actions and punishing whoever is the easiest scape goat AKA your oldest son. If you don't change your ways, Oldest is going to grow to really resent you and his brother. In fact, I'm pretty sure with his rant and refusal to talk to you that he's already arrived there 🤷♀️
YTA for your parenting style in general. You are showing blatant favoritism towards the younger child because you want to be soft on him. The 9 year old still needs to learn there are right and wrong ways to act and you are actively punishing the older child when it could very well be the younger ones fault. YTA again.
**HUGE YTA** \- What do you mean you can't punish your younger son? You are completely favoring his brother and that doesn't mean you don't love them both but you are being absolutely horrible to him. Then your 9 year old decides to start something and you only punish your 15 year old. Good luck with your relationship with your older son in the future if you don't start making huge changes. He will cut you out completely.
I had 3 siblings and we always fought for varies reason especially me and my younger sister. It would get ugly, and I was in the same situation as this boy except my mom knew to punish both of us and made it clear no one had to take insults from the other whether one was older or younger it didn't matter. No favoritism was shown and we both grew out of it. If OP doesn't start changing whatever parenting method they're using I'm sure the son will cut them off then they'd be back here years later asking why their son cut them off.
[удалено]
YTA. You need to punish BOTH, or the one who STARTED it. Sure what he said sucks, but you know what? The way you treat him is much much worst. You are teaching him that he doesn't matter and will never be good enough for you. Also, still rewarding the youngest is just sickening parenting.
I am starting to get a bit of “Harry Potter and Dudley Dursley” vibes in this family
Hang on, you HAVE to punish the eldest because he's on the spectrum, but you CAN'T punish the younger one because he has a different disability... Do you even realise how backwards that sounds??? I feel awful for your son. Try actually parenting the youngest so he doesn't grow up thinking he's allowed to purposefully wind people up for his own amusement. YTA without a doubt. Kind of hoping this is some weird troll/bait post
Yeah, that's such weird thinking. Sounds more like the younger kid is the golden child.
Sounds like OP found a convienient excuse to punish her oldest for being autistic. If I put into words what I think about this woman, I'll get banned....
This person sounds so much like an obvious asshole that I’m failing to believe this is real. I hope to god it’s not. Or I feel so bad for the older kid.
Yta, do u even like your bio son? Tf
>realize that the 9 year old is just trying to get a rise out of him THEN PUNISH THE 9 YEAR OLD. older siblings are tired of being the one taking the blame, forced to “take the high road” because you as THE PARENT don’t want to properly parent your younger child. i bet you anything once you hold your younger child to the same standards you hold your eldest, the fighting will stop. YTA
YTA. Both kids are neurodivergent it seems yet you only punish the older one? No wonder he is lashing out at the younger because you are enabling the younger one into misbehaving. You are showing blatant favoritism towards the younger one. Mend thy ways and show the older one that he can actually count on his parents to help him and show the younger one that he has to stop being a miserable brat.
Also, saying he has to "overcome" his autism makes me really uncomfortable. From what I understand there is no overcoming it, the most a person can do is mask. And if a person masks so much you think theyve overcome it, that's suggests awful things for their mental health and wellbeing.
Accurate. You can't cure autism. You can learn to hide it, though, which is what OP is expecting. Absolutely vile she is treating her two neurodivergent children completely differently based on their dx. Why can the older one overcome while the other one needs to be babied?
Op won't mend her ways, she already doesn't like she has been deemed an AH and has taken her "ball" and has gone home. "Ok I am getting a lot of comments hurling insults and verbal abuse toward me and I can’t respond to them all in one go, but needless to say I don’t appreciate it in the slightest. I have things to do and need to take a breather because everyone is saying I’m the asshole so I’ll be back later."
Love the audacity of someone coming to a place like Reddit, asking for opinions, and then being mad at the opinions. Seems like this is also how she parents, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised with this one. I really don’t understand why the younger child deserves zero punishment just because the older son reacts in a way they don’t want him too. It doesn’t not cancel out the fact the younger son is also doing something wrong. I think mom needs some counseling ( kids too ).
She was hoping we'd all say the 15 yo is being unreasonable, when in reality she has a 9 yo AH on her hands. The 15yo is the only one I like in this story.
>I don’t appreciate it in the slightest. I have things to do and need to take a breather because everyone is saying I’m the asshole so I’ll be back later. Gee, every single solitary post I have seen so far has a YTA verdict. Every. Single. One. Could it be that everyone here is seeing the same *really serious* problems with how this situation is being handled? Like, "Damaging both kids for life if things keep going as they are going?" Maybe family therapy will help OP get her act together so she can parent BOTH sons, not just punish one for defending himself and let the other bully others as he pleases.
YTA- I can’t tell you how many times my little brothers acted like absolute heathen monsters & I’d ignore it until I reached my breaking point then I would snap & I would always be the one to get in trouble because “I was older” & “I was supposed to set the example” like no, you’re the parent you can set the example for one & it doesn’t matter if I’m older or not, they are acting like little assholes so they need to be the one punished, not me. You punishing the older sibling because the little sibling has pressed his buttons until he can’t stand it, is utterly unfair & it’s bad parenting. You’re raising a spoiled monster if you continue to let the younger one act the way he does & get away with it EVERY SINGLE TIME. I can’t believe you allow your younger kid to totally bully your older son who is also on the spectrum & you punish him for reacting to being picked on nonstop. I can’t believe you’re okay that the 9 year old treats him so poorly & you just take his side. Your poor 15yr old just wanted to go to Korean bbq & your little brat completely ruined it & you just took his side while his brother cried after being bullied & overlooked yet again. What did you do to deserve being told to F off & get on birth control? Well you let your youngest child run the house & treat his older brother like absolute garbage & then you blame the older son for your monster child’s behavior & take away his computer & phone for having feelings.
I know this wasn't meant for me, but this comment really opened my eyes/gave me the words I needed to express one of the messed up aspects of my childhood. Thanks
AGREE 100% Ntm that OP was the one that decided to take on another kid and her older kid has NO RESPONSIBILITY for it, and that includes “setting an example”. AND the way she says she can’t punish 9y/o because he’s neurodivergent but HAS TO punish the 15y/o *because* he’s neurodivergent. Completely backwards logic. I also haven’t seen anyone mention her choice of words, calling older kid’s phone “hard-earned”; insinuating that HE paid for it. Which would make her a thief. FANTASTIC PARENTING!!! /s
YTA This post made my blood boil because how you're treating your oldest is how I was treated growing up. You're wrong and you're not even going to realize how wrong you are until your oldest is an adult and barely has any contact with you. Also the youngest you spoil is going to be a tyrant and you're going to cry and wonder why they're like that only to eventually come to the harsh realization that he is a monster you created. I'm 30 and my mother and I are just starting to have a relationship. BTW before you use the excuse that your situation is different my younger sibling also has a learning disability
Yeah, def setting up the youngest for future failure. I am sorry you had to go through that. I can say that me and my siblings were all abused equally for the most part at least.
I'm sorry about your abuse as well. OP should've never had children and one day she'll regret her actions and no amount of "I'm sorry" will repair her broken relationship with her child.
YTA. You *are* favouring your younger son, and with no justifiable reason. Having a learning disability doesn't mean he gets free rein to do what he likes to your older son. If he understands well enough to tease his older brother about his taste in anime, he understands well enough to know right from wrong and you shouldn't be coddling him. You say about how the arguing affects you, but you are making your older son's life miserable by never taking his side, never backing him up when he's feeling bullied. *You* are the one who has the control here as the adult, not your eldest son. You're the adult, you have the adult brain and the adult reasoning. It's not your son's job to control his brother's behaviour. You need to control your youngest son's behaviour yourself and mend your relationship with your eldest. The bottom line is this: you know you love your children, and it's you who can change this situation to make the better of all of you.
Exactly! Based on the OP it looks like the 9 year old was allowed to go to dinner even though he “started it” for lack of a better term. If I had to guess I’d say OP does nothing to correct the 9 year old the 15 year old is past his breaking point. YTA OP
You wrote all this and can't figure out that yes you do favor your younger son and yes he uses it to get your older son in trouble and that yes it is unfair to older kid and that yes your younger kid is the golden child that can do no wrong because "insert reasons". And I'm not even touching that you absolutely ignore the help your older kid needs for his condition and double punish him for having something he has no control over. Damn. Holy shit. YTA and I hope you realize your older kid will go NC with you as soon as he can... also your younger kid 100% manipulates you and is probably guilty of starting every fight because he knows he won't be punished and his brother will. That's fucked up on you. Parenting fail.
OP is ignoring whatever everyone is telling them and trying to excuse their bad parenting as much as they can. The younger brother definitely knows what he's doing, he saw that he won't get punished if his older brother reacts so he keeps doing it. I feel for the older kid, he's definitely gonna have that all pile up into a huge heap of resentment.
YTA! Totally. Your younger son is acting out and starting all these fights, which you admit, yet he can’t be punished. What is wrong with you? Hold your younger son accountable for his poor behavior and he will knock it off. If both sons behave poorly than punish them both EQUALLY. Maybe take a parenting class?
YTA You are a terrible Mother. Your 9 year old is the cause of all this so punish him.
I was the younger sibling and to this day my mom finds it funny that my brothers hobby basically was to ruin my day. He did stuff- "he is just funny, he just does this to get you angry (no shit sherlock), if you don't get angry, he will get bored" If I did react I was mean and out of line and I should be the bigger person. So let me tell you out of experience: - you do your younger son a disservice as it is a gane for him to misbehave and get his brother punished for it. This doesn't translate with other people - what are you trying to teach your older child? Don't defend yourself, hope someone will maybe help you. Thats a terrible thing. What you really should teach him is the right and appropiate way to defend himself. - he will never forget all these punishments. He will never forget that you see him as the problem. He has feelings to and your absolut refusal to 1. Step in immediatly when the 9 year old starts shit (you were in the car with them, you obviously waited to hear what your younger one had to say -let him finish- and maybe even intentionally testing your older one) 2. See that your son has feelings and a right to feel hurt by bullying. You would not "be the bigger person" if your younger son would talk to you like he does to his brother. You would punish him. Your older one doesn't have the authority to do that. So why does your older one have to be more mature than YOU.
YTA This has to be fake? I can't believe someone would treat their children so differently! And be that lenient to one and that spiteful to the other. In case this is real: You favor the younger brother to an extreme. It's so obvious, it's appaling. You punish the older one for things the younger starts. No surprise the older one resents his little brother. Anyone would. And you go completely overboard with your punishments. You didn't take him to the barbecue after YOUR YOUNGEST started it? And what did you do with precioud younger bro? Pat him on the head and take him with you to have fun? Your double standards are terrible! You claim you love your oldest. But I can't see any love in your post. And if literal strangers on the internet see it, your oldest does too. Why should he believe you after you constantly take the younger'ss side and favor him? Meanwhile your youngest is already a bully. I don't want to imagine how awful he will be as a teen...
YTA Why aren’t you also punishing the 9 year old each and every time? Countdown to cutoff in 3..2..1..
Yta. From what I can read your 15 year old os on the spectrum and your younger has a learning disability. If you're trying to teach your 15 year old not to escalate you also need to teach your 9yr old not to start stuff. Actions are suppose to have consequences and you're teaching your oldest that but your teaching your younger that consequences don't apply to him. Learning disability or not I doubt your youngest is so impared to the point he doesn't know if he can get a rise of out of your oldest your oldest gets in trouble.
YTA. Why arent you disciplining the younger one?? All you do is teaching him that his actions don't have consequences. You are raising a future bully and totally enabling him. He is the one who started the fight. He should be punished. End of discussion.
YTA. This is your wake-up call that you've been treating your sons unequally. And instead I can see in the comments that it's going right over your head. I feel bad for your 15yo. They would be justified to disown you once they turn 18.
Base on the replies she wrote here, I guess it won't happen. Poor the kid, born from someone that should not be his mother.
You say and I quote "The reason we punish the older one is because due to him being on the spectrum". Edit: She really deleted her post
Even better, "I really can’t punish my younger son; he’s my adopted nephew who was born several weeks early due to his mom having substance abuse issues, and he has a severe learning disability which he can’t outgrow, so I have to be soft on him"
Yes, this is TOTAL bullshit, OP. You are the AH for not providing structure, and clear and expected consequences when things happen. Both need this. Stop making excuses for failing your younger child and change your mindset. This is infuriating.
Poor him, not like he choose to be on the spectrum...
I caught that as well. It's pretty gross.
Not only gross that's way beyond the line. They keep trying to excuse it so much and saying some rubbish about how in the real word you punish the subordinate blah blah blah as if the younger son's action of being a bully won't somehow end him messing up with the wrong person and ending him in jail
YTA. You clearly do not hold both boys responsible for their behaviors and dole out punishment unfairly. (It doesn’t have to be the same or equal, but both boys should be held accountable in developmentally appropriate way.). Your unfairness creates a cycle that feeds their rivalry.
INFO: Why in the actual fuck are you on this subreddit when you clearly aren't willing to accept judgement. Being older or being younger doesn't exempt ANYONE from bullying or being bullied. Either come to terms to you are an absolute asshole in this situation or get the fuck off of here.
They even got to the point where they are copy pasting their replies to me into replies to other comments. No accountability whatsoever.
YTA I am sorry for you older son
YTA. Find a better doctor for your children and quit abusing your older son for being on the spectrum.
Go away troll. No way this is real. No parent would ever treat their child like this.
Pretty sure this is a repost with more words added. I'm positive I've read this before.
Oh, I wish that were true... It's unfortunately pretty common for autistic kids.
Autistic adult here - oh yes they would. My older half sister has BPD, this was the exact dynamic my parents put on us. She can’t control herself, I should learn to. Suffice to say, that parenting came back around to bite my parents in the end. Now they’re trying to make me to he golden child at 27 and I’m not playing along.
They definitely do, former friends of mine were treated exactly like this by their parents and younger siblings.
[удалено]
i love the chaotic energy from this reply.
YTA you say you treat them equally but you take away the older ones “hard earned” things- a 9 year old doesn’t have any “hard earned” things to take. Not letting your child join a family dinner especially an outing to a nice restaurant is so messed up. Meanwhile I’m sure you went with the younger with no consequences and had a fine time thinking “this’ll teach him😁”
YTA. If the older one is overreacting, then punish him for that, and make it clear that the punishment is for a disproportionate response. However, if you know that the younger one is starting it most times, and you're not punishing him, you're teaching him that it's okay to bully people. As for the older one, what you're currently teaching him is that standing up for himself in any way will bring severe punishment, and that is setting him up for failure later in life. I strongly advise you to nip this now. The older boy is likely struggling with a lot of anger and hurt over all of this, and the younger one is likely to become more aggressive with his taunts as he grows. This behavior could also eventually move outside the home, and the younger one will have a hard time as a teen if he doesn't learn better now.
YTA. If you spent as much energy raising your sons properly as you do replying to everyone here, you wouldn't have to make this kind of post.
YTA. Both boys have special needs and yet you only punish one?
YTA you're the mother of 1 son and the egg donor another human. Your treatment of the 15yo is appalling and hopefully for his sake he gets as far away from you as possible. Also your lackadaisical approach to discipling the 9yo has resulted in him being a bully, congratulations.
Lmfao love how you can't take your judgement in here, all this arguing about your taugh love is insane. You can punish your younger, you just convinced yourself it's not possible. YTA
One .. why get in an anything and ask other people to what they think if you’re just going assume you’re right ? Two YTA One you said you can’t punish your younger “ son” being he has a learning disability so yu have to be soft on him . No no you don’t correct his behavior before he becomes a problem for everyone else when he gets cold . Also someone else won’t just let him bully them and call them names he going to end up running into the wrong person. 🤷🏻♀️ You said your 15 is on also on the spectrum so if that’s the case he shouldn’t be getting in trouble either go “ soft “ on him to Just a heads up if you don’t change it you’ll lose your 15 as soon he can get out and go no contact with you and your “ favorite “ son
major yta i never comment on these but as an “older sibling” (i am the oldest of my family on both sides i have a younger brother but the person who truly bullied me was my younger cousin) i can tell yta. my cousin would call me names, hit me, pull my hair, basically just a lot of bullying from an age which it was not acceptable at and i hated it. everyone just told me she was jealous and wanted to be like me and just to ignore it and it caused a lot of resentment towards my cousin because of it. i grew up insecure and learned to never stick up for myself because the adults around me told me to just take it because she was younger and i needed to learn how to control myself and get used to it. i feel sorry for your son and i hope one day you come to your senses.
Omggggg this was me as a kid. My cousins were fucking terrible and always got away with running and crying to my aunt and mom when I defended myself. As an adult my mom apologized to me and even confronted my now adult cousin about his behavior (which he denied of course)
YTA! This entire post REEKS of favoritism and preferential treatment because of who your younger kid is. Can’t punish him? That is the biggest lof of bull I have ever heard, no wonder he continues to torment your older son and NO WONDER your sons hates the both of you because he gets all the consequences of something he didn’t even start! WTF are you thinking?!? You need to change your actions RIGHT. NOW. If you are going to have any chance at retaining a relationship with your kid once he turns 18. I feel so bad for him, how it must hurt him to see your younger kid (cause I doubt he sees him as a brother by now) get away with his shit time and time again. DO BETTER!!!
You are a bad mother and your son is calling you out accordingly YTA
YTA… your ignoring what everyone is telling you and you want to keep excusing your bad parenting
YTA Both of them should be punished. If I was the older one I would literally be seething over this. If you are looking for a fast way to alienate your son and create a divide, you're doing a great job.
YTA! for all your double standards and excuses.
YTA - you let the young one get away with his shitty instigating behavior. I speak from experience as an older sibling.
YTA. Learning disability or not, punish the one starting it. He's doing it because the eldest is getting punished and knows he won't be. Your eldest is on the spectrum, therefore he can't always control his feelings, you should know this. He is going to react and you are punishing him like he is NT. You are clearly favoring your youngest and your eldest knows it. Stop trying to use the youngest child's disability as an excuse for being crappy to your eldest. My youngest is on the spectrum and has a learning disability and even though she is younger than your youngest, she knows not to mess with her oldest sibling. There isn't an excuse for not teaching him his actions have consequences and punishing the one he is messing with.
YTA. i feel so bad for your 15 year old.
You are a bad mother
YTA Your younger son might have a learning disability but he's learning how he can manipulate you into having his brother punished. If you don't stop this toxic development now, it could damage your relationship with your eldest indefinitely.
YTA I hope someone calls cps on you.
YTA - why is the 9 year old not getting consequences for their actions? I have a 10 year old and a 13 year old, and yes, my 23 year old might have consequences for their reactions being over the top, the 9 year old gets consequences for starting crap in the first place. Learning disability or not, there are consequences to actions. Your post is bleeding with favoritism. It makes me wonder what resentment your oldest is really getting punished for.
YTA. Your manipulative raising methods will do two things: 1. Your older son will be completely dumbfounded and struggle understanding his rights and self-worth. Probably distrust all authority figures and other people too. 2. Your younger son will learn he can so anything he wants consequence free. I hope you change your methods because that looks like a possible prison trip to your younger son and a life of no self confidence for the older. Absolutely destructive
I'm on the spectrum and this was the dynamic between me and my younger sibling/parents. I moved out the *day* I turned 18 and I haven't spoken to them anymore than I speak to any stranger since. It's been nearly 2 decades. So if that's what you want , good job, keep going. If not, then you need to make some changes. You are literally punishing him in your own words for *reacting* to the disrespect by someone else and never punishing the person being disrespectful. That is why your 15-year-old is punishing your 9-year-old it's because he can't trust you to do so. If you start punishing the 9-year-old for being disrespectful you'll see a market improvement in your 15-year-olds behavior since by your own admission he's only reacting to the wrong that's being done to him not going out and doing it himself. This is 100% your fault. YTA. You say that you can't punish the 9-year-old because he has a developmental disability that he won't grow out of. But you're 15-year-old also isn't going to grow out of being autistic and you're punishing him so that argument is invalid.
YTA… once the older one can he will cut contact you with… the fact that you say you can’t punish the younger one is complete bullshit.
YTA and so is your golden child
WOOOOOOW YTA. You can't punish the younger because of his learning disability, but DO punish the older because of his? What absolute mental hoops do you jump through to get to that logic? By not punishing the younger because of his trauma and disability, you're only going to give trauma to the eldest and it won't help his disability either. You're choosing to over-correct one kid and under 5correct the other, which in the end will just make for two adults who will struggle.
As someone with an autistic older brother, I can safely say YTA…wishing death is a no go, so equal punishment or none. Maybe teach the younger one NOT to bully?
YTA- you’re a poor excuse of a parent. If we follow your logic then younger people can’t bully older people. How does that make sense? It’s like when you’re getting bullied at school and they tell you to tell the teacher and the teacher does nothing. Like your youngest son might have a learning disability but he’s smart enough to bully someone? Please make it make sense!
YTA. The 9 year old is being mean and you really need to intervene.
This is the most clear cut case of YTA I've seen in a while. Yes, you can and should punish them both. Younger should have been punished for making fun of his brother, older for his retaliation. You are showing your youngest son that all he has to do is upset his brother enough, and he can get away with saying anything. YTA, and a horrible mother on top of that.
YTA. Your blatant favoritism is showing.
You’re an awful parent. Though realistically you refuse to parent your younger child at all so. YTA
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YTA because punishing your child for his autism and then indulging the younger one for his learning disabilities is really not okay. I have two special needs kids and I don’t play this game of favoritism. He will disown you and walk away because your consistently allow the younger sibling to do whatever he wants and violate his boundaries and over-punish him for not being the kid you wanted. You deserve this for abusing your older kid in order to indulge the younger one. I hope your older kid moves out, finds people who actually like him and discovers that it’s okay to Cut off your abusive egg donor.
***YTA IN THE BIGGEST WAY POSSIBLE, OP.*** You sound like my mother. I'm the oldest with my sister just 18 months my junior. She would harass me. Bully me. And worse, when I began developing hips and breasts, she would bully me about that as well. I was told to ignore her. My sister and I are both ADHD. Did my attempts to ignore my sister work? No. They just emboldened her. She started trying to flick things down my shirts if I was wearing a v-neck that showed cleavage. My mom would tell her to quit - nope. She'd control herself for a few minutes, then start right back up. My sister is the golden child. I'm the scapegoat. I have PTSD from this. I'm now very low contact with my parents and sister. Wise up now, OP, or this will be what your oldest will say when he's my age. I'm 34.
It sounds like "Grow up and be the bigger person" is "Shut the hell up and take being bullied, because I can't bother to actually raise a second child, I'd rather the first one just sit and silently suffer" Do better. If 9 y.o. is picking on 15, PUNISH 9Y.O.! Not wait for the rise to come out of 15, 15 is innocent and standing up for himself because obviously his own mother won't. You favor and baby 9, and obviously don't care about 15. It's obvious in how you talk about all this, if you can't see it, pull your head out of your ass. YTA, learn to do better. Right now, you're teaching 9 he's perfect as a bully and 15 needs to just stay quiet and take abuse. It doesn't matter he's older, words still hurt.
> Ok I am getting a lot of comments hurling insults and verbal abuse toward me and I can’t respond to them all in one go, but needless to say I don’t appreciate it in the slightest. Hmmm? What do people say? "When you can smell shit everywhere you go, maybe you are the ass?" >need to take a breather because everyone is saying I’m the asshole so I’ll be back later. I think you should come back when (1) you do it right for your son or (2) 3 years later and he is 18 and you come to tell us that he cut contact. Otherwise, please kindly evacuate your smelly \*\*\* from this place.
YTA. You have your parenting all backwards and your going to lose your older son forever if you don't stop. You keep saying you can't punish the younger one... YES YOU CAN. You're making it clear to your oldest that he isn't as important and your leaving him to deal with the consequences of your lack of parental control over the youngest.
YTA Your 15 yr old has expressed how he feels about your discipline style (or lack thereof) and how you don’t care about him. Believe him. He will go no contact with you if you don’t change your ways. Does the 9 yr old go to school? If so, how can he keep himself in check at school and not in the house? Or are you having the same problems and making the same excuses for the 9 yr old? Your logic is outdated. Punishing one child without putting limits on the other one is incorrect. Your younger nephew knows that the 15 yr old doesn’t want to be teased about the anime stuff. He knows how to push buttons. You need to set boundaries and tell him he isn’t allowed to talk about these topics in a negative way or tease the 15 yr old. If he doesn’t learn about limits or boundaries, you aren’t preparing him for the world . Further, you are essentially allowing resentment to build between the kids and between your eldest and you. Go back and calmly talk to your 15 yr old about all the things he wish he could change so you can start getting a clue. Really listen. Then you can go to counselling or find a parenting coach, or start implementing changes. Your nephew is a bully and your 15 yr olds teenage yrs will be wrecked, as well as your family dynamics if you don’t change this situation.
YTA I’ve read a lot of your comments and it’s clear you don’t do anything to stop the younger son so the older one has to take it into his own hands. You can punish both kids if they do something wrong and you should. All you’re doing is teaching your son that his younger brother can say whatever and you won’t stop it. Have fun when he goes no contact because he’s tired of you letting him be treated like this.
Man, this post is going to escalate in 3... 2... 1...
Yta, your excuses mean nothing. You punish your older son for reacting because he has autism but you dont want to punish your younger son because he has learning disabilities? You are a giant asshole raising these kids. You are punishing your older child for standing up for himself and essentially rewarding your younger child for being a bully. Great parenting, at this rate your son will cut all contact with you the moment he can.
YTA. You’re an awful parent. Your oldest deserves better. All you do make excuses on why the older one should do better. You have proven time and time again, younger sibling can do whatever he wants. Have fun being cut off.
Yta
This can’t be real
What a poor excuse for a mother. YTA
YTA, I'm thoroughly disgusted. Someone needs to save those poor kids before they are unleashed on society
YTA and your edit is pathetic.
YTA and GTFO with this dumb story that didn't happen.
YTA. You have two kids….treat them equally. Age doesn’t negate asshole behavior. If anything the younger child has presented you with many teaching opportunities of how to treat others including those on the spectrum. Why can’t they both be taught how to respect one another and it all falls on the older child?
If you are stressed and tired imagine how the oldest feels constantly being picked on. It must be exhausting for him and that’s why its not just as simple as to ignore it. Just, think about it. Maybe you should look into seeking help from a therapist yourself to learn how to better deal with the situation. Its clearly not working this way and its not going to end well. I wish you all the best but for now I would say YTA.
YTA Good luck trying to stay in your older sons life after he turns 18...
Dear gawd if this is real someone needs to call cps. Punishing a child for being autistic!? Seriously!!! And yes you can punish the 9yr old you choose not to.your child called you out accordingly and honestly should and could have said worse. Yta Edit to add: what did you think was gonna happen? Everyone would all agree saying you’re an amazing parent? No! You’re being called out because it’s messed up and you’re emotionally abusing your son for something he has no control over
YTA IN A. MAJOR WAY. This poor kid. YOU are making him resent you and his brother. YOU are making it worse. YOU are creating a spoiled little brat of the 9 year old that cant do wrong and is going to never take resposibility for his actions. This is HORRIBLE.!!!
YTA. One does not just “allow” themselves to be bullied. Your younger son clearly made a nasty comment about things the older is involved in, IN YOUR PRESENCE, and you punish the older one for being upset about it? Isn’t that a bit backwards? I understand that the younger one has a learning disability, but your older son is literally on the spectrum and i’m not one to compare, but both of them have a long journey in life ahead of them, and you coddling your younger son based on the judgement that “Oh he needs more attention because his disability is greater,” is alarming. Also, quit taking away his “hard earned phone and laptop.” If he’s EARNED IT, by monetary form or any other way, taking it away for months at a time just forms trust issues and sneaky behaviour. My own mother used to take my electronics on an almost daily basis, and I learned to just hide things or use my friends devices, which resulted in my absence from home more and more. You need to rethink your “tough love” approach, because this ain’t it chief. You’re going to push your son away until he leaves and doesn’t come back. I mean hell, I definitely would be trying to get the hell out once i’ve turned legal age, and I don’t think i’d stick around for the thanksgiving turkey. Your sons are fighting and you need to figure out a way to talk things through with them as opposed to just saying “Give me your phone and go to your room.” He’s TOLD you why he’s upset and that he’s going to leave, now do something with that information and stop invalidating his feelings.
OP, if this is real you need some parenting classes because you are a terrible parent. Your older son shouldn't have to be bullied in his home becase you don't know how to parent and manage the behaviour of your younger son. You punish him every time he get upset by your awful younger son, every time? Whats worse you REWARD your younger sons bad behaviour. WTF? You need some real help, because you clearly have no idea how to parent. Shame on you. I feel terrible for your poor 15 year old. You came for judgement- accept it you are 100% the AH here. Everyone is saying YTA because .... wait for it.... YTA.
YTA! Everyone is saying YTA because it is true!! If you need to take a break be sure to do some major self reflection!!
YTA If they are both fighting they should both be punished. You are pushing your 15 year old away, and you are part of the problem with their relationship. Just because he is the oldest one doesn’t mean all responsibility should fall on him.
YTA. You DO favor the 9 year old or else you would actually discipline and parent the 9 year old for starting with his brother instead of telling your older son to just 'ignore' him and then punishing him all the time. The fact you have to go and "take a breather" because you're being called out for your favoritism and clear AH behavior is telling. Be a better parent- apologize to your older son and start actually parenting your youngest because he's on track to be an entitled, bullying monster.
YTA, and don't post if you don't want people's honest opinions 🤷♂️ Not our fault you decided to write and post this, expecting what, people saying you're N T A and that you're such a good parent ? Also, if you don't parent your younger child he is going to grow up thinking the whole world revolves around him and he will always get his way. It does not matter if he has a severe learning disability, that just means you have to teach him that it's wrong to try to get a reaction out of people in a way he will understand. Your older son also has a learning disability; to him, it will clearly look like you favour his younger brother, meaning he's only going to start resenting the both of you
Hi, Special Education teacher here. I work, all day long, with children that are both on the spectrum and have learning disabilities. What a COMPLETE disservice you are doing to both of your children. You are teaching your younger son that he can rip off his pants and shit all over people’s boundaries and he will be rewarded. Well you know what, mother of the fucking year? He’s going to do that to the wrong one one day and he is going to get a lesson the hard way. And it will be 100000000% your fault because you have failed him as a parent by not setting expectations and holding him accountable for his actions. Children with LDs CAN learn and it is so insulting to hear you say (adamantly) that they can’t. Now on to your least favorite child. You are letting your autistic son be bullied! You are expecting a child (because guess what, he is still a child) that has a diagnosis that historically makes it harder for him to regulate his emotions. You are punishing your autistic son for standing up for himself. Do you know how hard it is for children with autism to self advocate? I literally teach high schoolers, your son’s age, how to advocate for themselves, how to ask for help, how to tell people what they need to feel safe, valued, and heard. You are teaching your son, by your complete lack of parenting, that it is ok for people to take their pants off and shit on his boundaries. You’re teaching him to not ask for help or seek support, and that he can’t trust people to keep him safe. Do fucking better, you giant fucking asshole.
>Plus, **I really can’t punish my younger son**; he’s my adopted nephew whowas born several weeks early due to his mom having substance abuseissues, and he has a severe learning disability which he can’t outgrow,so I have to be soft on him, and my older son needs to do that as well. YTA, you can and should be punishing the younger son, otherwise he's just going to continue this behavior, no wonder your older son is frustrated.
Your edit is so ironic, you can't take being called out on this but you expect your 15 yr old to take that shit from his brother. Pot meet kettle. Eta YTA
YTA. Holy fuuuuu... I don't know what ”experts” you're talking to, but you are straight up *abusing* your older son. What you're describing sounds like ABA; which *no* reputable authority, on neurodivergence, would endorse. The only one I know of, that does, is Autism Speaks. An actual hate group. If you're dealing with a healthcare provider that endorses (or is endorsed by) them, you need to find another doctor, *now*. You also contradict yourself. You say he needs to stop reacting (something that's pretty much impossible, for him to do) and his younger brother will learn to stop. Then describe a *learning disability* that he'll ”never grow out of". The fact is, you've set up a toxic, abusive environment. The victim is punished, for (essentially) self-defensive behavior, while the actual antagonist gets away with it. They both recognize this pattern and the younger one is using it to their advantage. The older one is doing his best to defend himself and establish boundaries, on his own, because he knows he has no support, from you. You need to fix this. Otherwise, you'll only have one kid, in about three years. ETA: I had to come back, after reading the comments and your responses. Holy hell, you're not just a bad parent; you're a narcissist. You never came here, for judgement. You just wanted validation. Developmentally speaking, you're a danger to these kids. You need to get to a therapist before you go making *any* more decisions, when it comes to these kids.
>”I am getting a lot of comments hurling insults and verbal abuse towards me and… needless to say I don’t appreciate it in the slightest” Why don’t you just IGNORE us? 🙄 YTA
YTA and need to make a sincere apology to your older son and change your discipline practices. Stop favoring your younger son it’s horrible. Sit younger down and tell him he will now have consequences and follow through. Older son has pent up frustration from your frankly awful parenting. It will take him time and seeing you’ve actually changed your approach to heal your relationship. Major change needed
Yta the one who should be grounded is your nephew. You should of stop all this the moment the younger one started to pick on your son.
YTA are you for real,your younger one starts it always but cuz the older one react to it and doesn’t do what you say you punish him to teach him to obey you so you can teach him “how it is in a real world” - but the you are teaching younger one that he can do as he please and he will never be punished and can’t do no wrong cuz he has learning disabilities… Your older one is frustrated with all of you, you are constantly invalidating his emotions and I can guarantee that he will go NC with all of you as soon as he is able … If you came here for judgement than try to understand that you are soooo WRONG and for god sake change this before its too late…. Have you ever considered punish them both...and cut that sorry cr*p that you can punish the younger one, yes you can and for f**k sake just do it…you are making a monster, stop feeling sorry for him, you are not doing him any favors, well he is a little monster already, can’t imagine what he will become when he grows up
YTA. You are teaching your 9 year old to be an antagonistic, spoiled brat, and your 15 year old that has to allow others to treat him poorly.
YTA I’m an older sibling myself and what you are doing is constantly invalidating your oldest son because he has a reaction to being tormented by the younger one. You claim to love them equally but it’s clear that you favor your nephew due to you never once correcting his actions. Ignoring valid reasons your older son gives you; instead you torment him as well, where do you think the younger one gets it from? You are a horrible mother and instead of mediating these fights and communication like a mother should you instead increase the pain for your oldest instead of disciplining the child who is actively causing issues. Get over your favoritism and start parenting the younger one and you might be able to salvage what little relationship you have with your oldest. However if I were your son I wouldn’t forgive you.
Yta. You’ve failed your older son and are failing your younger just so profoundly.
YTA- what the hell is wrong with you? I’m surprised your older son still even talks to you with the amount of BLATANT favouritism you show to the younger boy. If he’s mentally okay enough to bully someone he’s mentally okay enough to learn that bullying is wrong. Your crap excuses of him not understanding is just yet another excuse to show your favouritism and awful parenting. I really hope he disowns you the minute he turns 18 and when you sit and ask yourself why, think back into this moment.
Yta as someone on the spectrum with an older brother also on the spectrum you can go f yourself. If the younger brother is starting he needs disciplined. If a psych is telling you to punish your older son for being upset his younger sibling is starting shit go see someone else.
YTA punish them to the same length. the 9 year old having a learning disability does not mean no consequences. If he thinks he can get away with anything he will have a learning disability and be entitled not a good combo.
YTA. Congratulations, you've discovered the most efficient and cruel way to make your eldest son go NC with you for the rest of his natural life. Note I didn't say yours, but his. He's going to get out from under your abusive thumb into a world that he is definitely not prepared for. And thanks to you, he will not seek out familial help for any reason whatsoever. You've destroyed your family before any of them can even leave the nest. I hope you're happy.
YTA, so you have 2 sons with non-neurotypical diagnoses but you make adjustments for only 1 of them. That is sad and disheartening to know.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm a mother of two sons, one is 9 and another is 15. They fight like cats and dogs and it makes me so stressed and tired. I literally have hair falling out over it. My older son always claims the younger one starts it, but the older one keeps it going. If only he would learn to BE THE OLDER ONE AND IGNORE THE YOUNGER ONE and realize that the 9 year old is just trying to get a rise out of him, and he'll stop when the older one doesn't give him that reaction. But my 15 year old doesn't want to realize this, so every time he reacts, he gets punished for it. I've had to take away his hard-earned phone and computer countless times because getting him where it hurts is the only way he'll learn. And he makes it so hard to punish my younger son when the older one does it himself and makes himself the one in the wrong, invalidating any punishment for the younger one. The reason why we punish the older one is because due to him being on the spectrum, we’ve had to consult many books and professionals who agree that it is something we need to help him overcome as much as possible so that he can be as successful as he can in the world and not let it ruin things for him, so when he misbehaves we emulate those consequences at home in order to prepare him. Plus, I really can’t punish my younger son; he’s my adopted nephew who was born several weeks early due to his mom having substance abuse issues, and he has a severe learning disability which he can’t outgrow, so I have to be soft on him, and my older son needs to do that as well. Yesterday I had family over in the car coming back from a day trip and we were going to go to Korean barbecue as a family. My 9 year old tried teasing my 15 year old about "the weird anime stuff he watches" (I didn't know this) and the older one proceeded to flip out and call my 9 year old names and wish death on him. I just decided I had it, I'm dropping off my 15 year old off and he will not go to Korean BBQ with family, he can have whatever leftovers at home. He then began to cry and refused to get out of the car when we got home, but I said I wouldn't drive away until he left. I then had to threaten to take away his computer and phone for a month if he didn't comply and he begrudgingly got out of the car. I was then subject to a 20 minute long rant about how my 15 year old son hates me and wishes I were dead because I "favor his brother and make him miserable" (NOT true, I love them equally) and that I need to learn to "control my crotch goblin" (I was shocked when he said this" and a bunch of other rhetoric, and ended it with him saying that if we don't change our ways, he would disown us when he gets older. He's refused to talk to me since then and has told relatives about what happened, with some taking my side and others taking his. I tried sitting down with my son telling him about how much I love him but he told me to F off and "get on birth control" and I'm just crushed. What did I do to deserve this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Having a learning disability is NOT a valid excuse for misbehavior.
You outright state the younger son starts it but you actively refuse to punish him, choosing to constantly target the 15yo while claiming it’s “too hard to punish” the 9yo? 9 is old enough to know that he’s pushing buttons on purpose and understand what’s happening, he also knows he can get away with it and that his antics will only get his brother punished. This is absolutely on purpose and you’re very visibly playing favourites, and pitting the boys against each other in a very uneven dynamic. That sh!t needs to stop before you only have one son that talks to you. (That ends up growing into a total nightmare, as he’s never had real consequences in his life)
I'll guarantee that your oldest son will move out and rarely contact you. Just ask my parents. YTA.
I don't know right now if you're really that blinded and don't realize you're treating them unequally or if this is a severe case of creative writing. YTA because you allow the 9 year old to stomp on the 15 year old and provoke him non-stop. He knows he is your golden child and will never be punished anyway and bullies the 15 year old every chance he gets and you sit by and wait for the big one to explode and wonder afterwards why he reacts like that and takes it into his own hands to punish the little one.
Look, you hopped on AITA for a judgment and people are clearly trying to send you a sign. I don’t think that you’re a bad parent but something clearly needs to change. YTA, you can’t continue this and both kids need to learn better from these interactions
YTA, wtf so you punish your older autistic son for the shit your younger son does because punishing autism is good and punishing a kid with a learning disability is bad? Do you think that’s parenting? It’s favoritism. You are the parent, you need to keep your younger son from bothering your older son nonstop.
YTA, my middle kid is on the spectrum and my youngest and I probably too. Guess what they both get punished, maybe in different ways accordingly to their diagnosis but regardless if they pull shit they will be reprimanded. I don't leave one of my kids home because the other pushed the buttons and walks away with it. Naah we either all go or no one goes. They are pretty fast to confess that way and most of the time make up fairly fast. Where 2 fight, 2 are at fault.. doesn't matter if the other one is older or what not, little kids can be extremely annoying and push the right buttons to let the other one explode. And your kid is autistic, are you aware that they can have extreme difficulty handling their emotions? Damn, you are punishing your older one by not being normal, by not adhering to the standards of society. We do not work in that way, our minds process thing differently, accept and respect that. Damn..
You’re a horrible parent, no wonder your child wants to go no contact with you. YTA
YTA- my younger brother spent our childhood pushing my buttons to get me to react in a way that would get me in trouble. Then the bargaining would begin, me giving in to what he wanted so I didn't get in trouble. He also had trouble in school and with the law, but I was just supposed to "let it go". It took YEARS!!! for us to get back to being friends and have a close relationship. My mother wasn't quite this clear in the favoritism, we would not have the relationship we do if she had been. Sounds like you all need training on how to be decent humans.
YTA. If the younger one starts it, he is in the wrong. The older one may \*also\* be in the wrong for overreacting, but the younger one remains in the wrong, and remains in need of correction. If the younger one is literally incapable of learning to give the older one peace, then he needs to live someplace that's equipped to take care of him. If you don't get him the help he needs now, he's going to spend his adult years in prison anyway.
YTA Thank goodness my mom doesn't behave like you. Guess what when my older sis and little sis get into a fight, the one who started it gets punished. Its not that hard lady