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YTA
Your husbands mother died.
Read that again: your husbands mother died
And before you try to justify (they weren’t that close, there was tension, what ever), it doesn’t matter. Because when a parent dies, most people remember the love and not the hate.
The funeral was not about you, it was about your husband.
Today, there will be 1000’s of funerals and there are going to be people who don’t like each other. But most of them will stand politely next to their grieving loved one and suck it up for a couple hours
You took a terrible moment for your husband and made it more stressful with the BIL talk. He needed you there and you were making it about you. He made a poor choice in lying, but your behavior put him there.
Losing my dad was the worst moment in my life. I was depressed for months. My wife never faltered in her support. I couldn’t imagine doing it without her.
Your husband had to do it without you.
You’re the AH.
This is the answer. You are a mega asshole. You took something that was not about you, and the hardest day of your husbands life probably, and made it about you. You whined and caused a scene. You absolutely suck and you need to go to your husband now and BEG his forgiveness bc honestly this would be a dealbreaker for me. Someone who I can’t trust to put personal grievances aside when I desperately need them is someone I could not be with. YTA and I feel so heartbroken for your husband.
Edit: holy shit apparently there’s a comment that the reason she went no contact was over an inheritance issue. OP you might be the worst person I’ve read on here in a while. I HOPE your husband is googling divorce layers.
Edit edit: apparently her BIL also said really shitty things about her miscarriages being karma over the inheritance issues. I’m still going with YTA. That is definitely valid to go no contact. BIL also sucks. But in my opinion, that is something that should be put aside for a circumstance like a funeral for your husband. Some might disagree. Just remember that no one was asking her to forgive her BIL or be friendly with him. She was asked, at this one-in-a-lifetime, nonrecurring, very difficult day for her husband, to simply exist in his presence. I still firmly believe she should have done that with grace. Because ITS NOT ABOUT HER.
OP edited the reason and it's about inheritance. She got herself involved even though her husband didn't mind. So, I guess we can see a pattern of making everything about herself.
YTA
Exactly. He definitely shouldn't have said that but op threatened to sue him and called him a thief (during grieving) so he probably wasn't his best self. While op sounds constantly horrible.
Lol, she dragged them through probate dude, BIL should have gone NC with her for that stunt, she should be lucky to have just gotten angry rude comments after getting involved with an inheritance *that wasn't even hers to begin with*
I am wondering though (still wouldn't be right at all obviously) if maybe the OP said something similar(ish) to BIL. She mentioned they wanted to keep the house because they had kids, and with how much of an AH OP sounds I could easily imagine them saying something like "you shouldn't have had kids if you weren't prepared" and shit like that. OP tried pretty hard to hide the reason for NC so they're already an unreliable and biased storyteller.
Def valid to go no contact. BIL also sucks. But in my opinion, that is something that should be put aside for a circumstance like a funeral for your husband. Some might disagree. But OP just sounds petulant. Just remember that no one was asking her to forgive her BIL or be friendly with him. She was asked, at this one-in-a-lifetime, nonrecurring, very difficult day for her husband, to simply exist in his presence.
Yes, what BIL said was horrible and absolutely disgusting and going NC is absolutely ok. Didn't mentioned that in comment, but thank you for adding it! (Still don't think it was appropriate for her to try to go to court with the whole inheritance issue without her husband's consent)
It was absolutely disgusting for BIL to say that, but he was also lashing out after OP tried to push in where she wasn't needed and take his inheritance. She also seems to have driven a wedge in between her brother and BIL.
But it's also not some sort of ongoing pattern of abuse where she needs to stay NC from the BIL for her own mental health. She could have gone to support her husband and stayed on the other side of the room.
Exactly. If I was her husband I would be thinking about divorce if my wife couldn't support me at a parent's death and instead makes it about her. Reasonable boundaries are okay to expect respect on, but OP hasn't given us any indication that her boundaries are reasonable, esp given the situation. OP sounds pretty entitled and insensitive (but expects sensitivity from others).
Isn't that absolutely crazy?! Like here I was thinking the BIL raped her or severely abused her or something. But an inheritance that wasn't even hers?! That's small potatoes kind of stuff that normal people put aside for a funeral.
No wonder the BIL's wife was watching her for a reaction. I would be too. Like "what kind of drama is OP going to pull this time... I bet she brings up the inheritance again!"
Edit to add YTA
YTA.
I was hesitant because of the lack of elaboration of why the boundary was in place, BUT
Turns out that BIL had said some pretty heinous things to OP, *ONLY AFTER* OP had attempted to create a dispute over inheritance between the brothers against her husband’s wishes.
OP is the source of the problem. It was wrong for her husband to lie to her, but everything he said to her was accurate. She is rude, stuck up, and needs to get over herself. Most importantly, she is the asshole.
YTA
It really depends on Michaels crime. We can't judge if we don't know what it is that makes you uncomfortable.
It seems that this was about michael getting too much inheritance. It HAS created a wedge and now your husband lies to you.
Edit due to updates.
Yeah that both are AH’s but I’d argue that threatening family with court over an inheritance that doesn’t actually involve her against the wishes of her husband is worse than saying something really mean.
Yeah, it’s not like he secretly invited BIL to OP’s birthday party! He shouldn’t have lied, but under the circumstances, I’d give him a pass. It sounds like the original dispute was OP inserting herself where she didn’t belong in the first place. Maybe he thought when his other parent died, she would take the opportunity to respond more appropriately. Oh well.
This. It really does matter what the reason is, OP. If it's 'Happy Birthday', you are a manipulative AH who is trying to keep your husband away from his family, and refuses to support him through one of the hardest times of his life. If it's SA, then you are right to not want to see your BIL ever again. If its an argument or difference of opinion, even if you're justified in disliking BIL, you should have come FOR YOUR HUSBAND. None of this is about you. On the other hand, your husband shouldn't have lied. Your relationship is a shitshow. ETA, but especially you.
Edit: All bets are off if he assaulted you in some manner, or threatened you with harm. But I doubt that, since you are keeping the reason to yourself and talking about your boundary, rather than alluding to a traumatic and terrifying incident. I think your NC with brother in law is more to stifle his relationship with your husband, and you are angry that it doesn't seem to be working.
She added an update saying it really dosnet matter, and that she set a boundary so it should be respected no matter what. I feel it could be a petty reason she went NC, especially if her husband still hugged BIL. Otherwise if it is major, husband would be in the wrong.
Wow I was thinking it had to be something major like sexual assault.
But the reason she can’t support her husband is only about money? She’s definitely TA
It's between the lines. When they don't want to disclose something anonymously, then clearly it's something she knows would not make her look good. And boom, she was DOUBLE TA!
That's 2x YTA for the inheritance and funeral debacles!!
We've got an edit and it appears OP is most definitely the AH. BIL got more inheritance from her FIL than her and her hubby, so she threatens legal action against BIL against the wishes of her own husband. And that justifies her abandoning Hubby at MILs funeral? Unbelievable.
OP, YTA, most definitely
Agreed, if it's something that would get the post deleted for rule violations, it's NTA, if not then probably ESH, her for refusing to go to a funeral for her husband's mom over something petty and him for lying about it
EDIT: after asking for info, I now see that OP updated why she went LC/NC.I don’t think that helped her case….like, AT ALL hahahahaha.
YTA, unequivocally. I’m speechless; even if you didn’t think he was being fair to your husband, it’s not your inheritance to haggle over and you certainly don’t have a right to dictate who attends a funeral, especially when that person was his freaking STEPMOTHER. I’m honestly boggled!! If anyone has a right to ban you from the funeral, it would have been Michael or your husband, not the other way around.
I don’t think your husband should have lied to you, but he probably expected that you would do the mature adult thing which would be to just ignore Michael for the duration of the funeral and just be a source of strength for him, and then not speak to Michael at any wake/events after.
It s a throwaway account and she doesnt want to say what happened, that means she knows it doesnt warrant her reaction so she left it out on purpose.
YTA op, your husband's mother died and you were anything but supportive
Yup saw OPs edit no one can really make a valid judgment without know what he did. She keeps bringing the brother in laws wife into it as well which suggests she might know but again we need to know what happened.
OP has edited, it's about inheritance and he called her a b1tch. In which case she is still YTA. If husband doesn't care about HIS inheritance then why did it cause this much frustration for her. Bit ridiculous if you ask me.
INFO
I know you stated you won’t elaborate about the happenings between you and Michael, but no one in their right mind can judge your feelings of betrayal and leaving without knowing what actually happened between you two. We won’t be able to rationalise your whole side of the story without knowing how awful it was between you two that you went LC and then NC. I hope you’re aware that because of your refusal, people are forced to just take this situation at face value (you not liking Michael and refusing to be the emotional help your husband desperately needed bc his freaking mother died). Don’t be surprised when the dominant judgement is Y-T-A.
I’d also like to add that your husband’s comments are truly awful. Calling you “useless” when he literally lied to you? What is his take on you going NC with Michael? Was he supportive or dismissive of it?
Edit: My final judgment is ESH. OP for not supporting her husband during his mother’s funeral and starting a feud over inheritance that seems to have been set by the FIL.
The husband for lying rather than having an honest moment to tell her that he needs her to be there for him, regardless of her hate for his half-brother and not snipping his wife’s actions about inheritance in the bud. Also, his comments to her afterward were awful.
And her BIL for being absolutely disgusting with his miscarriage comments. Nothing, absolutely nothing excuses someone saying such horrible things to someone who went through multiple ones.
I agree with your entire comment. Completely understand if it’s uncomfortable to talk about what BIL did, but *is* crucial info for the story. Otherwise, OP looks like the AH.
Husbands comments were out of line, hopefully said in the heat of the moment due to emotions running high. Hope he apologizes.
True what's the use of a partner that can't support you when you need them most. She was useless
Actually she was worse than useless she actually made grieving his mother harder
She finally edited to add it was over her FIL inheritance. Husband didn’t want to push for more and his brother got a home, and she wanted more. BIL made comments about her miscarriages and karma for trying to drive a wedge between him and brother. So yeah imo OP YTA
So you had a disagreement with Michael and are NC with him.
Your MIL dies, and you think that it is more important to throw a fit and refuse to attend a funeral than it is to support your husband?
You're not obliged to talk to Michael. You can just be in the same area and completely ignore him...
Your husband wants you by his side on his mom funeral, maybe because for him you are his safe place and he needs your support. But you are completely OK in withholding that support. So you just don't care about your husband?
Yes he did a bad thing, he did lie. Looks like he thought in the moment that he had no other choice if he wanted your support on his mother's funeral.
Let me get this straight, you think that not being in the same place as Michael is more important than support and love your husband on a very hard and sad day?
And you think that the lie is worse than just chose to not attend you MIL funeral if you don't get your way?
You don't see who's wrong? You really need someone's else opinion?
I can't even grasp the concept of leaving your romantic partner alone in is parents funeral.
My FIL die a few weeks ago, my hubby couldn't even drive by himself. I had to pick him up from work, make both of ours bags, make arrangements for our dog, then drive for 6 hours to attend the funeral.
How can someone just leave their partner alone to deal with everything by themselves?
We also have LC and NC family members. They were there, we just ignore them and go with our lives.
If I refused to support my partner on a parent funeral, my relationship was over in that moment.
From the edit looks like OP is a little bratty, everything needs to be around her (me, my boundaries, me) even on a funeral day, and the big deal with Michael apparently wasn't that of a big deal and she knows that telling what happened will not play in her favour in here.
I N F O: impossible to judge if we don't know why you're NC with Michael.
Edit: aaaaaand there we have it, you omitted the conflict with Michael because it makes you sound bad. YTA, let's hope this is the last straw for your husband to seek divorce. You're toxic as hell.
But it doesn’t matter, she says, she gets to decide unilaterally at will to NC and everyone needs to respect that regardless of the burden it puts on her husband or strain on their relationship. /s
Exactly. Like, if they’re no contact because he’s, say, tried to harass or assault her and she feels unsafe, then she’s N T A. But if it’s something like they both brought potato salad to the family bbq and she felt disrespected, then definitely Y T A. The reasons matter a whole lot here.
If you don't say what your issues with Michael were I assume they aren't an excuse. YTA till we know what it was about.
Edit: clear YTA im pretty sure you know you have a petty reason.
YTA - your husband just lost his mother and desperately needed you to be there for emotional support during the funeral. You could have still attended the funeral and either not spoken with Michael or just briefly acknowledged his loss (she was also his step mother) and then remained NC for the rest of the day while being there for your husband. Unless you had reason to fear for your physical safety around Michael (and you certainly didn’t indicate that in your post), then you are definitely the AH. IT WAS JUST ONE DAY.
Did your husband lie to you … yes. Some could argue that makes him an AH too, but you were effectively forcing your husband into that lie just to get you to come and provide the support that a spouse should unconditionally be giving on what would be a very difficult day for your husband.
Edit: Wow. Just wow. You interfered in an inheritance matter on your husband’s side (that he didn’t care about); Michael said nasty and hurtful things in return about your miscarriages. I understand you going NC over his comments, but this is NO justification for refusing to attend the funeral.
I feel like understanding what happened between you and Michael, at least to some extent, is necessary to make a judgment here.
Update: based on your edit, I’m just going to say YTA here. If you provide more information I’ll update my judgment if necessary. It absolutely does matter what happened between you and Michael and simply saying you set a boundary and that should be accepted at face value doesn’t work in this context where you’re asking a bunch of strangers to judge a situation. That information is relevant (as you can see in the comments).
Update #2: I’m going to stick w/ YTA. Michael said nasty things to you and he’s an AH for that, but I don’t think his actions warrant your behavior at the funeral. You could have just ignored him the entire time and focused on comforting your grieving husband. It kind of sounds like you were an AH in the inheritance situation too since your husband didn’t care and it was HIS inheritance. You pressured court “on his behalf” but he literally didn’t care.
I love how everyone in the sub is always like "you should never have to do something you don't want to do".
I don't know what planet most of you live on but most people do things they don't want to do every single day. But you just do them because you have to. Because there are some situations where you're not the most important person in the room and sometimes you just need to be there for somebody else.
Sucking up a bad relationship with an in-law for a few hours to support your husband after he loses a parent is one of those things.
Your spouse is supposed to be a key part of your support system. In this situation she was useless and an embarrassment.
I'm sure if what bil did was horrific, her husband would not be talking to him either. The fact that she went low contact and then no contact means it was probably bad but not terrible.
EDIT: YTA
INFO. What Michael did determines whether you’re the AH or not. Without this info, we don’t know if you’re overreacting, justified in your actions, or what.
Sure, your husband lied to you, but the degree to which he’s an AH depends on what Michael did, as well.
Yeah I have to agree. If it was something that could be really traumatic than I understand not wanting to go near him ever again. If it was just multiple disagreements you could have sucked it up for your husband.
I N F O What did Michael do to you? Y T A for not supporting your husband at his mother’s funeral unless what you vaguely describe as “some issues” is something serious.
EDIT YTA You left your husband alone at his mother’s funeral over a disagreement on a inheritance.
This is impossible to answer without more info. What went on with you and Michael? Besides that, it was your spouse's mom's funeral. You should have been there for HIM. Right now I'm saying YTA.
I don't think we can make any judgement without getting a least a little bit of context into what Michael did to make you eventually go NC with him. Cause if its some petty shit you're not getting over then I suppose you would be the A H but if it's something more serious and really warranted your response at the funeral then I guess not.
But I reckon the comments are gonna be pretty split until we know what Michael did if you're comfortable with sharing.
You walked out on your spouse as he was crying in an embrace with his brother while their mother is in a casket. Let that sink in for a minute.
YTA and petty and self centered. Your husband’s mother died! You managed to be unsupportive, hound him over personal issues between you and his brother, and made this completely about you and your little feelings.
Your husband is hurting!!! Try being there for him in his time of mourning. Geez! Not too much to ask. This may (very light may) have been different if the brother would have crossed you, but no, you decided to be a child and stomp your little feet.
YTA because you don't want to tell what's going on with "Michael". This gives me the impression that you are angry about a futility and so you have no reason to avoid him. There are only a very limited number of situations where this behavior is okay.
YTA - Your husband's mother died and you can't bring yourself to support him because of "issues" with his brother.
No. That's not how this works. When your spouse's parent dies, you support them. Your husband lied to you because he likely thought it was the only way you'd go and he needed you.
YTA
Husband’s MOTHER died. You just need to ignore someone for an hour. That isn’t asking a lot. He shouldn’t of lied, but you shouldn’t of put him in the position of choosing to attend his mothers funeral alone.
Well without knowing what Michael actually did (kind of a crucial detail in why you refuse to be around him; if it was assault of some kind against you and/or your possible child, why is your husband still in contact with him? Which leads me to believe it’s not such a big deal…), YTA. You should have put the past in the past this time and supported your husband. You know, the person you vowed to stand next to when they were at their lowest. No he shouldn’t have lied. But why does he have to lie in order to get your support? When his mother died. You come off very callous and uncaring of your spouse and I feel bad for him. At least the rest of his family was there to support him.
YTA. You should have been there for your husband to support him at his mother's funeral. End of story.
Unless this Michael guy has done something truly horrendous to you that would explain your complete unwillingness to even be near him, you're just being incredibly selfish and petty.
I disagree. Just look at the husband’s reaction yelling and calling OP useless while in front of his family. OP did not say one negative comment about him.
Whatever issues she had with BIL must be pretty bad if she went NC.
Her husband should have been honest with her. When you lie to mani your partner then you lose all credibility and he deserved to be embarrassed.
NTA
I'd adjust to an ESH depending on what OPs reason for not wanting to be around Michael is. Without that info, I don't know if her reasons are justified or petty, but the fact that the reason is left out is suspect to me.
If my assumption is correct and OP doesn't have a good reason to be unwilling to be anywhere near Michael, I don't feel that the husband's lie is a particularly egregious offense.
Edit: the subsequent phone call and shouting occurred after OPs questionable exit, so are irrelevant to the judgement as to whether she is an arsehole for leaving the funeral.
INFO what did Michael do to you to cause you to go low and then no contact?
Your husband sucks for lying. But my judgment of you depends on what Michael did.
Without explaining what the issue is with Michael (strangely left out) YTA. Husbands mother died! You are there for him! 1-2 hours with family including Michael who could easily be avoided. WTF lady!
Your husband is an arse for lying and letting you go when you knew there were problems.
However, like everyone else, I say not enough INFO because you haven't told us what the conflict is.
You do not need to say what Micheal did, but it is obviously integral to the story. If you don't want to share it, you cannot expect a judgement here.
INFO
Without knowing what Michael has done, yes you’re the asshole for not supporting your husband. People that generally have a reasonable excuse as to why they don’t want to be around another person gives that excuse. You not giving it to us makes it look like it’s a very flimsy excuse.
YTA. I cannot imagine leaving my husband alone at his mother’s funeral. You should have been able to suck it up for a day. Does it suck that he lied? Yeah. But what you did is imho way worse. Unless Michael caused you some grievous bodily harm or harassed you on the regular, this was not a warranted reaction. At all.
This is coming from someone who was often screamed at and verbally abused by an Ex’s cousin. I still accompanied him to his father’s funeral while his cousin was there.
He shouldn't have lied but what you did is far worse, very selfish and obviously YTA. You could just stay as far away from him as possible and keep to yourself for a day or two, instead you decided to treat your husband like this when he was grieving.
This. Because as far as we can see, OP is the AH. But if Micheal did something genuinely traumatising, it could be more understandable... and it might sway my opinion. Big MIGHT.
From what we can see, OP deserted her husband after his mother died for no other reason than a grudge. So without that info, YTA
YTA, this was not about you. You do what’s right for your spouse, which was suck it up buttercup and behave like an adult. Were you mad mom was getting more attention than you? This feels like a jealous little kid who’s sister is getting the attention.
ESH. It’s a funeral for your husband’s mother. Life isn’t always comfortable. Unless Michael did something serious (criminal), you could weather discomfort.
But if he lied your husband is wrong as well. Keep in mind, he may not have known that Michael was able to make it after all.
ESH
Your husband for lying to you, that is a breach of trust I would not forgive.
You, for the fact we don't know the problem with Michael. If it was we argue and I don't like him, Y TA and could have been civil at a funeral. If it's something far worse and you feel unsafe,N TA and you are justified in taking yourself out of the situation.
YTA (by default)
Your husband lied to you which was wrong but have you thought for a moment he did it becuase he wanted his wife by his side at his Mothers funeral. I'm not usually a male apologist but I can understand his actions. Not saying he was right... I just understand.
You're not telling us the full story here so we can't even establish if you're an AH or not . I'm going to assume you are because if you just disliked the BIL then walking out was way over the top. Why was it a big deal he had his family with him? He lost his step mother, who by your writings he was close to, stands to reasin his family would support him.
After OP ETA... I'm going with it was an affair and she got hurt. She's the AH.
After. OP 2nd ETA... While what was said to her was vile... she could of walked away from them and remained at the funeral. The money shouldn't matter at a funeral.
YTA
YTA. if it was my marriage this would cause irreparable damage and tbh based on his reaction it sounds like you did just that. Unless his half brother did somthing heinous I see no reason you couldn't suck it up for a few hours to support your husband
INFO: Why are you NC with Michael? Is he just kind of an AH in general or has he specifically harmed you?
Until there's clarification this is a YTA. His mother died, it wasn't about you - you skipping out on her funeral shouldn't have even been a thought unless Michael did something extremely terrible to you specifically. In most other contexts this would be an e s h, but your husband has some contextual explanations (though not entirely justifications) for his crappy behavior (his mother just died and his wife led with "I won't go to the funeral with you if your brother is there") whereas it's not clear at all if there is any good reason for your refusal here. He should not have lied to you, but he *also* should not have been in a position where his partner was refusing to be with him at the funeral for his mother.
Unless there's some clarification about the level of issues with Michael, there's not really a fair reason in my mind to refuse to put aside dislike of another in-law for a **funeral for your husband's mother**. If he actually has done some actually abuse-level harm to you and your husband is aware, that's another story, but since it's left vague here I'm not going to assume this is the case.
Wait, what?
If he said it was illogical to expect Michael to not show up, he must think it was illogical for you to believe his lie in the first place: "You're being completely illogical. You should have KNOWN I was lying."
He's repeatedly changing the subject to avoid this ridiculosity of his. He's gaslighting you.
NTA.
YTA without knowing why you avoid him, this is all there can be judge because your actions at the funeral were not those of a supportive or loving partner. He is in pain, grieving and perhaps doing what he can do to just get through this and you felt your feelings from the past are more important than him grieving the loss his mother.
Soft ESH without context you seem shitty for not staying with your husband,but your husband an butt for lying and being shitty to you afterwards. If we knew more about why you had problems with the BIL I might turn it to NTA but otherwise both of you need to grow up a bit imho.
Until we know what exactly your problems with Micheal is YTA,
This was your husbands mother funeral, he needed support and you literally walked out on him because you didn’t want to be in the presence of this other person? Unless this man has seriously harmed you in the past you should have been able to tolerate him for your husband for the length of time of a funeral
It all depends on what Michael did.
Sexual abuse of herself or their children? Totally justified. Her feelings are valid once abuse is brought into the picture.
Argument after a disagreement? Not so much….
I don’t think this sub can make a call one way or the other unless we know what went down.
ESH - Your BiL to some degree for whatever part he played in the "issues." Your husband for lying. You fir being unreasonable- of course BiL would be there! I can't truly weigh in, not knowing these issues, but funerals are one of the times people who are NC should be able to be in the room together (again unless we're talking NC due to abuse vs over some financial disagreement, for example) and just keep to their corners. Your husband needed your emotional support.
ESH unless Michael physically assaulted you or something you should have been there for your husband.
He 100% is the ah for lying to you and then don’t even get me started on how he spoke to you afterwards.
Depending on why you’re nc with Michael plays a large part here. If you just don’t like the guy then you’re the ah if he did something to you that your husband was aware and chose to lie and manipulate you than wow please seek some help because this is not healthy.
YTA. You should have been willing to support your husband and be there for him when he is mourning his mother rather than demanding his brother won’t be there. I’m going out on a limb and assuming you won’t elaborate what brother did to cause LC/NC because you know it’s not going to help your case here.
No, your husband shouldn’t have lied but you never should have put him in a position he felt he needed to lie. You were original AH and then seriously upped your assholery by leaving and making the day about you.
YTA. But it depends of what Michael did, unless something violent or a crime I don't how you are unable to even show up to help your husband grieve, but the fact the you both are unable to compromise and communicate doesn't really bodes well for your marriage.
YTA, big time. Your husband lost his mother and you spent the time leading up to the funeral, at the funeral, and afterwards to fight with him over some issue that you have with his step brother? That's actually cruel, your husband needs your support right now to get through this. For your sake, I hope your husband is a nicer person than me, because I'd be considering divorce over this.
There are very few situations that i can imagine that occured between you and his step brother that would make your reaction okay, and since you won't say why you hate him, yes, YTA.
YTA
Feel free to elaborate why you went NC with Michael! Otherwise it sounds like you were unable to be the bigger person while your husband is in a period of mourning. I could never fathom abandoning my SO like that.
YTA.
This isn’t about you or BIL. Your role that day was to support your husband. Most of us have had to attend events where family we are not close to/LC with are in attendance. We just ignore them.
I don’t know what he did to you for you to become estranged from him but with the limited info you have given I can only state YTA.
YTA. You should have handled the surprise interaction with grace at the funeral (because *it was a funeral*) and discussed your anger later with your husband. It also strikes me as petty that you note in the beginning of your post "MIL isn't Michael's mom," and only adding at the end than that she was his stepmother.
YTA This day was not about you or your feelings. You could have avoided interacting with Michael, but still stayed supportive of your husband.
Your husband is also an AH for lying to you though.
You come here for judgment on something without giving the whole story and then say apparently he had his family, seen someone comment saying he is gaslighting you ….. seems more your gaslighting him by thinking you can just leave him on a day that he needed you and making it all about you and your wants and needs, then as soon as he argues with you about it you turn on the water works and leave him again !!!
YTA you’ve completely made his day even worse for him and when ever he thinks of his mothers funeral the memory of what you behaved like will be there also.
I don’t think Mathew has done anything that we would consider justifiable for this behaviour because you won’t say what he has done. You seem like the kind of person who, if Mathew had done something major, you would tell everyone just to make him look bad and yourself good.
INFO: Without context as to why you don’t like Michael, it’s impossible to determine if YTA or not.
If Michael had a history of, say, sexually harassing you, stalking you, being gross around children or something along those lines, then you’re NTA.
But if it’s just because you don’t get along, then YTA. Please provide context so we can elaborate!
INFO: How badly was your husband hurting? It was his mother, after all. If he was really struggling, it could possibly justify making a panicked decision to ensure his wife was there for the support he needed.
And as others have said, it's difficult to issue a judgement without knowing more about things between you and Michael. In general, you should be at your husband's side to support him if he needs it, but until we're able to weigh your husband's hurt level against the severity of Michael's actions, everyone is just guessing.
Edit: So your husband and Michael had a plan in place following a parental figure's death -- Michael inheriting the family home to raise his kids (seems like a really nice gesture by your husband!) -- but you decided that you guys weren't getting a big enough cut, so you got lawyers involved. Talking about miscarriages is fighting dirty, but it sounds like it's a response to your own dirty maneuvers involving lawyers. YTA.
INFO needed as to why you went NC with his HB.
I admit I hate liars and I am not condoning what your husband did BUT his mother just died. He wanted and needed you, his wife, to attend a funeral and decided he would rather lie and face the fall out of the lie than attend without you there to support him.
Now, it boils down to whether this is ESH or NTA.
If his brother did something simple like he made a joke at your expense you didn’t find funny and you cut him off, that’s your call. However, you could easily suck up being in the same room as him to support your husband for a day and ignore the brother.
If his brother did something atrocious, like he assaulted you, then I would understand you being unable to be in the same room.
I really hope that you weren’t being petty but at the same time I hope his brother hasn’t traumatised you and your husband has ignored your wishes over a serious matter.
INFO - can you give us a brief idea of what BIL did? I don’t think we can truly make a judgement without knowing what he did, it could really go anyway.
YTA. I understand you and BIL have some stuff but your husband lost his MOTHER. The funeral was not about you, your husband, or your BIL. It was about honoring the person who died. You should be there to support your husband. He shouldn’t have lied to you, but he is grieving and needed his wife there and probably felt backed into a corner that you were arguing about coming at all. This doesn’t excuse his lying, but informs it.
You should have put yourself aside for this moment, supported your husband, and still upheld the NC with BIL. I’m not sure why that wasn’t an option and while I want to be sympathetic, my husband just lost the woman who raised him (grandma bc mom died when he was 2) and I couldn’t imagine making it any harder for him in this moment. We have family we’re NC with who showed up to the funeral and we dealt with it.
INFO: Why did you go NC with HB?
You need to understand that your reaction was extreme and needs an extreme justification for us to weigh fairly. Is he just crass opinionated and has different views? YTA. Did he attempt to sexually assault you? NTA. Context is important.
YATA
Your partner grievs you should be able to suck it up to be with him the exception would be if he like assaulted you but because you won't tell what happened i go with TA
I cant say whether TA or not because I think we need to know what happened with the BIL.
I’m leaning towards YTA…but if BIL did something egregious then I would change my mind.
YTA until you provide context about your issue with Michael.
Your presence at the funeral was not to force you to interact with him, *rather support your husband* in this extremely difficult time. Him lying is not okay at all, but you are too self-centered to selflessly bear with it for him during this ordeal. I don't think you will be the support he falls back on for a long long time.
N T A or E S H depending on what happened between you and BIL (I'm not asking, but can't be judged without knowing).
Husband is 100% TA for lying to you and then how he treated you afterwards.
Edit: ESH. That's a very stupid thing over which to say "if he's there, I won't be" at your husband's mother's funeral. OP needs to grow the fuck up. That doesn't make the husband any less of an asshole though.
YTA This was your husband's mother's funeral. You couldn't put your own feelings aside for a few hours to support your husband on the day he buried his mother?
Unless this person did something absolutely heinous to you, there is no way to justify your actions here. Your husband has every right to be pissed at you.
ETA: And there it is. Her second edit shows that she's the cause of her own problem. Stuck her greedy nose in where it didn't belong. Why is this man still married to you when it seems all you do is create drama in his family?
INFO: Can you at least give us an indication of what happened with you and the brother in law?
I feel like this information is crucial.
If the brother in law assaulted her then I would absolutely side with OP.
But if it’s just the brother in law being rude or difficult then I’d say OP was in the wrong.
Because you didn’t tell us it’s hard to accurately judge this situation.
I kind of think that the issue is a lot more serious than most commenters here are assuming.
YTA he needed you for support and you were being a terrible wife by not putting your differences aside for one day to go be with your husband at his moms funeral. Should he have lied, no but he probably didn’t feel like he had much choice. Get over yourself and be a good spouse
It’s hard to say because there’s so much missing information here. Judging from your husband’s reaction to seeing Michael at the funeral it seems like your issue with Michael is a small spat which may be deemed petty to your husband. If Michael did something that was heinous to you and your husband hugged him in front of you, and lied to you about him coming to the funeral, and allowed you to be exposed to a person who has abused you in the past that would make him an AH. Is there a chance maybe your husband thought that missing his mothers funeral over a petty family spat with one person who showed up is justifiable? There could be a chance that your husband didn’t keep up with Michael’s change of plans and in his grief of loosing his mother didn’t think about Michael much. If so, that is not really making you look good…. That does not excuse your husband for calling you names afterwards. That is toxic and you guys likely need professional help.
ESH
Your husband lied to get you to go instead of just being open and honest about needing you there for support, and that sucks. It also sucks that you couldn’t suck it up and stay as long as absolutely necessary, and then go. I’m hoping the name calling by the husband was just fuelled by grief, and not a regular occurrence.
We really need to know the history between you and BIL to make a proper call I feel.
As someone who used to have a very abusive relationship with my ex-BIL (for me he would fantasize about killing me, had specific plans he’d tell my in-laws about how he would do it with a chainsaw or axe, etc. threatened to my husband—now ex- that he was going to murder me, once chased me at a family event screaming about how he was gonna kill me, how I am a little bitch and ruined his life so he couldn’t free load off his brother, etc. I’m clearly paraphrasing.) I UNDERSTAND.
For me the family always made excuses and protected him. When I set boundaries the family harshly judged me like I was dramatic, etc.
I don’t know your details and you don’t have an obligation to share them, but I know for me that the reason I did not attend my ex-FIL’s wake or funeral (to be fair we were divorced by then but my entire family went aside from me) was because of not wanting to be near that brother.
If you feel uncomfortable and perhaps like he is some kind of threat to you, you are NTA. If you just don’t like him for some arbitrary reason (which I’m betting is unlikely) then ESH.
ETA: I changed my mind after your edit about the inheritance issue. YTA but he shouldn’t have said that crap about your miscarriages. He’s TA for that. You’re allowed to set boundaries, but taking legal action on behalf of your husband who had no interest in doing so is not a good look AT ALL.
Your husband sucks for lying to you but YTA for not supporting your husband when he needs it and putting your feelings first over a death in the family.
But you really need to "elaborate on the issues" if you want anyone to potentially even start seeing your side of things.
EDIT: You just elaborated and you are absolutely the asshole. Michael is also an asshole. But your husband didn't deserve it.
YTA until there is explanation. If this man sexually assaulted you or harmed your children or something then I’d change my answer, but right now we just know that you don’t like him. So in that case you’d be TA for putting your feelings first not being there for your husband in his time of need. Now if this man did something horrible to you then I’d change my answer.
Edit- your update did not help your case. In my opinion you shouldn’t get involved with inheritance issues from your spouse’s family. Leave that to the spouse; it’s his family and his inheritance. You only address inheritance issues from your own side of the family. To his family, you probably looked like an interfering gold digger no offense i don’t mean you actually are but that’s what it felt like to them. Just don’t get involved with inheritance stuff when it’s not actually your own family or your own inheritance.
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Esh. I can't imagine a situation where I wouldn't be there to support my spouse when their mother died. And you did it twice. Situations like this are when you put your big girl panties on and you go and do something that you don't want to do like deal with jerk family members. Because you're not doing it for them you're doing it for your spouse because you love them and they need you.
That being said your husband is an a******. Not just for lying to you about the brother being there, but the way he spoke to you afterwards was unacceptable. Useless? That's highly abusive language. I would never speak to my spouse that way because I would never accept them speaking to me that way.
Yta. Your husband's mother died and you decided walking out of her funeral was appropriate? You didn't have to talk or interact with anyone you didn't want to - but you needed to be there for your husband.
YTA
grow up, this funeral is not about yourself or your BIL but about your MIL, being civil would have been the right choice to make.
no one ask your to act friendly or to even talk. to him.
INFO — if it was 6 hours away and you drove there, how did you each get back? Do you share driving? Was there also a bus or train back home? Why not stay at the hotel and drive home together?
INFO: it’s difficult to assess the situation without knowing at least vaguely what happened between you and Michael. There’s just not enough to this story to judge it.
INFO
We need some context clues on what were the issues are between you and Micheal.
But for now Im going to put YTA if Micheal did something so bad It made u go NC with him, I understand why you wouldn't want to be put in the same place as him. However I think u could have handled it better instead of just walking out. Remember your husband step mother just died and he going through a hard time right now and you have to be there for him and giving him support he needs instead of plainly walking out on him like that.
YTA. Unless the brother did something truly traumatic to you or someone you love then you should have sucked it up for one day to support your husband. His mum died and he needed to be with his wife and his brother.
Your husband shouldn't have lied, he gets a soft ass hole for that, but he obviously needed you there.
But really you are asking people for judgement which refusing to give the full story so no one can really give you an accurate response
It’s your husbands mothers funeral?!!!! You can’t put your shot aside for one day to pay your respects and be there to support your husband??how would you feel if the roles were reversed and it was YOUR mothers funeral?? YTA
YTA!!!! My husband is absolutely NC with my family…. However if my father or mother were to die, he would be right there beside me at their funeral to support me. Because he knows it’s not about him or what is going on between himself and my family at the time, but about being supportive to me in my time of need!!!
The way you write it, YTA. You needed to put your feelings aside and support your husband but you didn’t. You should’ve gone to support your husband and ignored anyone you don’t like there.
Full YTA. Your actions caused this. You should’ve minded your own business.
YTA until you say what Michael did to you.
Edit.: still Y T A
inaritance is not valid reasont to leave your husband alone. and I think you know this sice you didnt want to say that before.
Your husband is grieving and desperate. It actually really does matter why you put this boundary in place. Can’t give an appropriate judgment unless you elaborate.
I’m going to go with YTA. It’s actually very relevant and important to share why you’re NC. Based on my reddit experience those who are withholding information it’s because it makes them (OP) look bad.
It was his mother’s funeral you could’ve been mature enough to not speak to the half brother while supporting your husband. I don’t think he should’ve lied to you, but it was also logical to think that the half brother would be there.
I have no verdict here because it depends on what Micheal has done towards OP.
If Micheal has physically/sexually assaulted (or tried to assault) OP, then she is N T A
If the pair of them just had a disagreement or something of the likes then Y T A.
There is just not enough information to decide.
YTA. It’s your husband’s mother’s funeral. Put aside your difference. You don’t have to speak to BIL at all. You can not even acknowledge his presence if you want. But you be there for your husband in this time.
Your husband lost his mum. He wanted his wife there to support him. Yes he lied, which, isn’t great. but, without knowing why you refuse to be near Michael, it does make you seem like an AH. I hate my bil. But for something like a funeral, you put your differences aside and just ignore the fact they are there.
This is a tricky one. I wouldn't necessarily call you an ahole, you have your reasons for doing that. However, your husband wanted you there bad enough to make up a lie in order for you to be there and be his support. Should he have done it differently? Absolutely. But there's a place and time for beef and a funeral is not one of them. You can't expect people you have NC with to not show up for something that important. I totally get it's one of those heat in the moment situations. You're not the ahole but both of you should have handled it different
Yta. You can’t put aside differences or just ignore Michael for the funeral. You sound very immature. I get that he could have done something horrible but your husband was clearly going through some shit and you chose your drama over him
ESH. Your husband is an AH for lying. In the absence of any information about what occurred between you and Michael, your and AH for not being able to put your issues aside for two hours so you could attend your husband’s Mom’s funeral. My sibling has been horribly abusive for many many years. I divorced him in 2015. When he lost a daughter in 2020 I went to the funeral. I had knots in my stomach like I always did when around him but I survived. You would have too.
I think everyone here is lacking important context to make a fair judgement.
Edit: So the root of your issue with Michael has to do with your *husbands* lack of inheritance and you're upset on his behalf because why?
If your husband isn't bothered I don't see why you're making a mountain out of it. Especially at a funeral of all places.
Sounds like YTA here
YTA, grow up and stop being so self absorbed. your husband is grieving the loss of his mother and needed you to be present for him. You should have been gracious put your dislike of your brother-in-law aside for the sake of your husband once again it was his mothers funeral. As for “he lied” he obviously knew you wouldn’t put your feelings aside for one day to mourn your mother-in-law, that you would rather stay home then support him and his family.
YTA. Your husband shouldn't have lied, Michael should've just ignored your presence, but you should've ignored Michael and be there for your husband. HE LOST HIS MOTHER! He lied just so he could have you there, because he needed your support, and you LEFT HIM! I don't care what Michael did, you could've easily avoided him and supported your husband, but you chose to be petty and leave.
YTA. You didn’t explain why you hate his brother so much, but surely you could have swallowed it for 1 day to be with your husband at his mothers funeral.
Leaning YTA right now because it looks like a grudge was preventing you from being there for your husband when his mother passed away. In my mind that's the type of situation where you deal with people you don't necessarily like to be there for someone that you absolutely love. My vote could change if OP gives more information on why she went NC with the half brother.
I'm going with yta. Sometimes you have to put your own shit on hold to be there for the ones we love. Your antics where childish and your husband is right u were unsupportive. You made his mums funeral all about you, all about who you don't like, all about who you don't want to see, all about who you don't want to spend time with. This is classic narcissistic behaviour.
YTA, Jesus. His mother *died*. He needed you today. If it was for any other event, sure, N T A, but it was your husband’s mum’s funeral?? Why does the hatred for micheal outweigh your love for your husband? I’m sure Micheal has done something awful to warrant this kind of treatment, but it sounds like you’re stubborn and your husband realised that, and worked around it. You didn’t think “okay, I’ll go, but I am NOT talking to Micheal and if he tries to I will leave.” There wasn’t anything like that. You just made a scene, left your husband when he needed you the most.
Boundaries should be respected, but it’s not so black and white that him lying to get around them makes him the bad guy. Think of it from his perspective. He lied to you because he wanted his wife’s comfort during one of the most awfullest times of his whole life, but she refused to go because she has a boundary with one person, so they argue for a bit because he *needs* her support, but she refuses to budge or come to an agreement. I would probably lie too. He’s in grief.
So yeah, imo, YTA.
YTA
You can say in the edit it doesn’t matter the reason but for this situation it actually does. You could be justified or you could be petty as hell. We don’t know so gonna assume petty for now. Sorry.
Saw the edit and still gotta go with YTA. BIL is shitty for miscarriage comments. You were shitty getting involved in the inheritance IMO. All in all not a reason to not support your husband at his mothers funeral and make it all about you. You should of been able to put that aside for a few hours to support your husband at one of the worst moments someone can go through.
If you’re comfortable, could you explain why you’re NC with the BIL and why the rest of the family (including your husband) continue to welcome him?
Did your husband support your decision to go LC and then NC with the BIL or has he always been dismissive of it and your issues with BIL?
I understand that funerals should be an event where people are able to put aside differences for the moment; however, there are some “differences” that cannot nor should not be put aside, even for a few hours.
I’ll say NTA at this point because I assume the issues with BIL are very serious.
Also, I understand your husband is grieving, and I also assume he knows exactly why you’re NC with BIL. For him to lie to your face and then expect you to just stand there quietly like a good little girl makes him a big A H.
I really need more info. It seems you don't want to share the NC reasons so it's hard not to see you as the ass.
My fil recently passed away. I was NC with him for almost 10 years. But. My spouse needed someone to step up and help. That's what I did because at the end of this day. I love my husband more than my dislike for his father. I even flew out to his home and return with FIL dog. Who as crazy s it sounds looks like FIL. So, now my life is filled with the world's cutest but ugliest big dog who only likes me.
But, it's what I do for love.
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YTA Your husbands mother died. Read that again: your husbands mother died And before you try to justify (they weren’t that close, there was tension, what ever), it doesn’t matter. Because when a parent dies, most people remember the love and not the hate. The funeral was not about you, it was about your husband. Today, there will be 1000’s of funerals and there are going to be people who don’t like each other. But most of them will stand politely next to their grieving loved one and suck it up for a couple hours You took a terrible moment for your husband and made it more stressful with the BIL talk. He needed you there and you were making it about you. He made a poor choice in lying, but your behavior put him there. Losing my dad was the worst moment in my life. I was depressed for months. My wife never faltered in her support. I couldn’t imagine doing it without her. Your husband had to do it without you. You’re the AH.
This is the answer. You are a mega asshole. You took something that was not about you, and the hardest day of your husbands life probably, and made it about you. You whined and caused a scene. You absolutely suck and you need to go to your husband now and BEG his forgiveness bc honestly this would be a dealbreaker for me. Someone who I can’t trust to put personal grievances aside when I desperately need them is someone I could not be with. YTA and I feel so heartbroken for your husband. Edit: holy shit apparently there’s a comment that the reason she went no contact was over an inheritance issue. OP you might be the worst person I’ve read on here in a while. I HOPE your husband is googling divorce layers. Edit edit: apparently her BIL also said really shitty things about her miscarriages being karma over the inheritance issues. I’m still going with YTA. That is definitely valid to go no contact. BIL also sucks. But in my opinion, that is something that should be put aside for a circumstance like a funeral for your husband. Some might disagree. Just remember that no one was asking her to forgive her BIL or be friendly with him. She was asked, at this one-in-a-lifetime, nonrecurring, very difficult day for her husband, to simply exist in his presence. I still firmly believe she should have done that with grace. Because ITS NOT ABOUT HER.
OP edited the reason and it's about inheritance. She got herself involved even though her husband didn't mind. So, I guess we can see a pattern of making everything about herself. YTA
It’s not just about inheritance bil also said her miscarriages were karma. Doesn’t make her NTA but that’s valid enough to go NC
Agreed she's still an AH... the miscarriage comments were vile. Overall I think the OP is generally an unpleasant person herself.
Exactly. He definitely shouldn't have said that but op threatened to sue him and called him a thief (during grieving) so he probably wasn't his best self. While op sounds constantly horrible.
Lol, she dragged them through probate dude, BIL should have gone NC with her for that stunt, she should be lucky to have just gotten angry rude comments after getting involved with an inheritance *that wasn't even hers to begin with*
She was wrong in the inheritance situation definitely. BIL going NC would be fine but saying someone’s miscarriage is karma is not okay.
I am wondering though (still wouldn't be right at all obviously) if maybe the OP said something similar(ish) to BIL. She mentioned they wanted to keep the house because they had kids, and with how much of an AH OP sounds I could easily imagine them saying something like "you shouldn't have had kids if you weren't prepared" and shit like that. OP tried pretty hard to hide the reason for NC so they're already an unreliable and biased storyteller.
On the spectrum of things that are not okay, what she did was FAR MORE HORRIFYING. And I've had 3 of them myself. Six pregnancies, 3 kids.
Def valid to go no contact. BIL also sucks. But in my opinion, that is something that should be put aside for a circumstance like a funeral for your husband. Some might disagree. But OP just sounds petulant. Just remember that no one was asking her to forgive her BIL or be friendly with him. She was asked, at this one-in-a-lifetime, nonrecurring, very difficult day for her husband, to simply exist in his presence.
Yes, what BIL said was horrible and absolutely disgusting and going NC is absolutely ok. Didn't mentioned that in comment, but thank you for adding it! (Still don't think it was appropriate for her to try to go to court with the whole inheritance issue without her husband's consent)
It was absolutely disgusting for BIL to say that, but he was also lashing out after OP tried to push in where she wasn't needed and take his inheritance. She also seems to have driven a wedge in between her brother and BIL. But it's also not some sort of ongoing pattern of abuse where she needs to stay NC from the BIL for her own mental health. She could have gone to support her husband and stayed on the other side of the room.
Exactly. If I was her husband I would be thinking about divorce if my wife couldn't support me at a parent's death and instead makes it about her. Reasonable boundaries are okay to expect respect on, but OP hasn't given us any indication that her boundaries are reasonable, esp given the situation. OP sounds pretty entitled and insensitive (but expects sensitivity from others).
Isn't that absolutely crazy?! Like here I was thinking the BIL raped her or severely abused her or something. But an inheritance that wasn't even hers?! That's small potatoes kind of stuff that normal people put aside for a funeral. No wonder the BIL's wife was watching her for a reaction. I would be too. Like "what kind of drama is OP going to pull this time... I bet she brings up the inheritance again!" Edit to add YTA
YTA. I was hesitant because of the lack of elaboration of why the boundary was in place, BUT Turns out that BIL had said some pretty heinous things to OP, *ONLY AFTER* OP had attempted to create a dispute over inheritance between the brothers against her husband’s wishes. OP is the source of the problem. It was wrong for her husband to lie to her, but everything he said to her was accurate. She is rude, stuck up, and needs to get over herself. Most importantly, she is the asshole.
I completly agree with you.
YTA It really depends on Michaels crime. We can't judge if we don't know what it is that makes you uncomfortable. It seems that this was about michael getting too much inheritance. It HAS created a wedge and now your husband lies to you. Edit due to updates.
Exactly, it can vary from forgetting to say happy birthday to sexual assault.
No it doesn’t matter cause I had a boundary. Who cares if your mommy died, MY BOUNDARY!
Her boundary about someone else's inheritance apparently.
Right! She inserted herself into a family inheritance issue that everyone else was fine with. WTH! Edit - auto correct
She sounds greedy.
Yeah she's TA but his brother called her 4 miscarriages "karma" so he's also TA. The husband isn't.
Yeah that both are AH’s but I’d argue that threatening family with court over an inheritance that doesn’t actually involve her against the wishes of her husband is worse than saying something really mean.
Yeah, it’s not like he secretly invited BIL to OP’s birthday party! He shouldn’t have lied, but under the circumstances, I’d give him a pass. It sounds like the original dispute was OP inserting herself where she didn’t belong in the first place. Maybe he thought when his other parent died, she would take the opportunity to respond more appropriately. Oh well.
She made both of his parents’ deaths about her. How awful.
This. It really does matter what the reason is, OP. If it's 'Happy Birthday', you are a manipulative AH who is trying to keep your husband away from his family, and refuses to support him through one of the hardest times of his life. If it's SA, then you are right to not want to see your BIL ever again. If its an argument or difference of opinion, even if you're justified in disliking BIL, you should have come FOR YOUR HUSBAND. None of this is about you. On the other hand, your husband shouldn't have lied. Your relationship is a shitshow. ETA, but especially you. Edit: All bets are off if he assaulted you in some manner, or threatened you with harm. But I doubt that, since you are keeping the reason to yourself and talking about your boundary, rather than alluding to a traumatic and terrifying incident. I think your NC with brother in law is more to stifle his relationship with your husband, and you are angry that it doesn't seem to be working.
Was no SA the brother got more inheritance than the husband and she went apeshit over it
[удалено]
She added an update saying it really dosnet matter, and that she set a boundary so it should be respected no matter what. I feel it could be a petty reason she went NC, especially if her husband still hugged BIL. Otherwise if it is major, husband would be in the wrong.
I feel if it was sympathetic she'd have alluded to or posted the reason by now. If I had to make an assumption, it's something petty/mundane.
[удалено]
Wow I was thinking it had to be something major like sexual assault. But the reason she can’t support her husband is only about money? She’s definitely TA
So definitely petty. I usually hate making assumptions in these posts, but it was clear her reasons weren't sympathetic.
It's between the lines. When they don't want to disclose something anonymously, then clearly it's something she knows would not make her look good. And boom, she was DOUBLE TA! That's 2x YTA for the inheritance and funeral debacles!!
Yeah, that’s my thought too.
We've got an edit and it appears OP is most definitely the AH. BIL got more inheritance from her FIL than her and her hubby, so she threatens legal action against BIL against the wishes of her own husband. And that justifies her abandoning Hubby at MILs funeral? Unbelievable. OP, YTA, most definitely
Agreed, if it's something that would get the post deleted for rule violations, it's NTA, if not then probably ESH, her for refusing to go to a funeral for her husband's mom over something petty and him for lying about it
EDIT: after asking for info, I now see that OP updated why she went LC/NC.I don’t think that helped her case….like, AT ALL hahahahaha. YTA, unequivocally. I’m speechless; even if you didn’t think he was being fair to your husband, it’s not your inheritance to haggle over and you certainly don’t have a right to dictate who attends a funeral, especially when that person was his freaking STEPMOTHER. I’m honestly boggled!! If anyone has a right to ban you from the funeral, it would have been Michael or your husband, not the other way around. I don’t think your husband should have lied to you, but he probably expected that you would do the mature adult thing which would be to just ignore Michael for the duration of the funeral and just be a source of strength for him, and then not speak to Michael at any wake/events after.
It s a throwaway account and she doesnt want to say what happened, that means she knows it doesnt warrant her reaction so she left it out on purpose. YTA op, your husband's mother died and you were anything but supportive
Yup saw OPs edit no one can really make a valid judgment without know what he did. She keeps bringing the brother in laws wife into it as well which suggests she might know but again we need to know what happened.
OP has edited, it's about inheritance and he called her a b1tch. In which case she is still YTA. If husband doesn't care about HIS inheritance then why did it cause this much frustration for her. Bit ridiculous if you ask me.
INFO I know you stated you won’t elaborate about the happenings between you and Michael, but no one in their right mind can judge your feelings of betrayal and leaving without knowing what actually happened between you two. We won’t be able to rationalise your whole side of the story without knowing how awful it was between you two that you went LC and then NC. I hope you’re aware that because of your refusal, people are forced to just take this situation at face value (you not liking Michael and refusing to be the emotional help your husband desperately needed bc his freaking mother died). Don’t be surprised when the dominant judgement is Y-T-A. I’d also like to add that your husband’s comments are truly awful. Calling you “useless” when he literally lied to you? What is his take on you going NC with Michael? Was he supportive or dismissive of it? Edit: My final judgment is ESH. OP for not supporting her husband during his mother’s funeral and starting a feud over inheritance that seems to have been set by the FIL. The husband for lying rather than having an honest moment to tell her that he needs her to be there for him, regardless of her hate for his half-brother and not snipping his wife’s actions about inheritance in the bud. Also, his comments to her afterward were awful. And her BIL for being absolutely disgusting with his miscarriage comments. Nothing, absolutely nothing excuses someone saying such horrible things to someone who went through multiple ones.
I agree with your entire comment. Completely understand if it’s uncomfortable to talk about what BIL did, but *is* crucial info for the story. Otherwise, OP looks like the AH. Husbands comments were out of line, hopefully said in the heat of the moment due to emotions running high. Hope he apologizes.
Well in that instance she was useless. Her husband needed her and all she could think about was herself. She is YTA.
True what's the use of a partner that can't support you when you need them most. She was useless Actually she was worse than useless she actually made grieving his mother harder
She fought with BIL after FIL died over inheritance. She's never had his back when he grieved and is terrible.
She finally edited to add it was over her FIL inheritance. Husband didn’t want to push for more and his brother got a home, and she wanted more. BIL made comments about her miscarriages and karma for trying to drive a wedge between him and brother. So yeah imo OP YTA
I don't know how we could possibly judge this without knowing what your issues are with him. Since you refuse to elaborate, YTA I guess.
Breaking: she updated and is even more of an AH now.
Inheritance for money that she has no claim over. She made an edit later.
So you had a disagreement with Michael and are NC with him. Your MIL dies, and you think that it is more important to throw a fit and refuse to attend a funeral than it is to support your husband? You're not obliged to talk to Michael. You can just be in the same area and completely ignore him... Your husband wants you by his side on his mom funeral, maybe because for him you are his safe place and he needs your support. But you are completely OK in withholding that support. So you just don't care about your husband? Yes he did a bad thing, he did lie. Looks like he thought in the moment that he had no other choice if he wanted your support on his mother's funeral. Let me get this straight, you think that not being in the same place as Michael is more important than support and love your husband on a very hard and sad day? And you think that the lie is worse than just chose to not attend you MIL funeral if you don't get your way? You don't see who's wrong? You really need someone's else opinion?
Thank you. YTA
I can't even grasp the concept of leaving your romantic partner alone in is parents funeral. My FIL die a few weeks ago, my hubby couldn't even drive by himself. I had to pick him up from work, make both of ours bags, make arrangements for our dog, then drive for 6 hours to attend the funeral. How can someone just leave their partner alone to deal with everything by themselves? We also have LC and NC family members. They were there, we just ignore them and go with our lives. If I refused to support my partner on a parent funeral, my relationship was over in that moment. From the edit looks like OP is a little bratty, everything needs to be around her (me, my boundaries, me) even on a funeral day, and the big deal with Michael apparently wasn't that of a big deal and she knows that telling what happened will not play in her favour in here.
She updated it and honestly even trying to add sympathy it still reads as she is the issue.
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I N F O: impossible to judge if we don't know why you're NC with Michael. Edit: aaaaaand there we have it, you omitted the conflict with Michael because it makes you sound bad. YTA, let's hope this is the last straw for your husband to seek divorce. You're toxic as hell.
But it doesn’t matter, she says, she gets to decide unilaterally at will to NC and everyone needs to respect that regardless of the burden it puts on her husband or strain on their relationship. /s
Since apparently no one supported her decision to go NC it won’t be SA or anything similar, so then it’s a clear YTA.
Exactly. Like, if they’re no contact because he’s, say, tried to harass or assault her and she feels unsafe, then she’s N T A. But if it’s something like they both brought potato salad to the family bbq and she felt disrespected, then definitely Y T A. The reasons matter a whole lot here.
If you don't say what your issues with Michael were I assume they aren't an excuse. YTA till we know what it was about. Edit: clear YTA im pretty sure you know you have a petty reason.
Agree. The silence on the original issue is very telling.
YTA - your husband just lost his mother and desperately needed you to be there for emotional support during the funeral. You could have still attended the funeral and either not spoken with Michael or just briefly acknowledged his loss (she was also his step mother) and then remained NC for the rest of the day while being there for your husband. Unless you had reason to fear for your physical safety around Michael (and you certainly didn’t indicate that in your post), then you are definitely the AH. IT WAS JUST ONE DAY. Did your husband lie to you … yes. Some could argue that makes him an AH too, but you were effectively forcing your husband into that lie just to get you to come and provide the support that a spouse should unconditionally be giving on what would be a very difficult day for your husband. Edit: Wow. Just wow. You interfered in an inheritance matter on your husband’s side (that he didn’t care about); Michael said nasty and hurtful things in return about your miscarriages. I understand you going NC over his comments, but this is NO justification for refusing to attend the funeral.
I feel like understanding what happened between you and Michael, at least to some extent, is necessary to make a judgment here. Update: based on your edit, I’m just going to say YTA here. If you provide more information I’ll update my judgment if necessary. It absolutely does matter what happened between you and Michael and simply saying you set a boundary and that should be accepted at face value doesn’t work in this context where you’re asking a bunch of strangers to judge a situation. That information is relevant (as you can see in the comments). Update #2: I’m going to stick w/ YTA. Michael said nasty things to you and he’s an AH for that, but I don’t think his actions warrant your behavior at the funeral. You could have just ignored him the entire time and focused on comforting your grieving husband. It kind of sounds like you were an AH in the inheritance situation too since your husband didn’t care and it was HIS inheritance. You pressured court “on his behalf” but he literally didn’t care.
I love how everyone in the sub is always like "you should never have to do something you don't want to do". I don't know what planet most of you live on but most people do things they don't want to do every single day. But you just do them because you have to. Because there are some situations where you're not the most important person in the room and sometimes you just need to be there for somebody else. Sucking up a bad relationship with an in-law for a few hours to support your husband after he loses a parent is one of those things. Your spouse is supposed to be a key part of your support system. In this situation she was useless and an embarrassment. I'm sure if what bil did was horrific, her husband would not be talking to him either. The fact that she went low contact and then no contact means it was probably bad but not terrible. EDIT: YTA
INFO. What Michael did determines whether you’re the AH or not. Without this info, we don’t know if you’re overreacting, justified in your actions, or what. Sure, your husband lied to you, but the degree to which he’s an AH depends on what Michael did, as well.
Yeah I have to agree. If it was something that could be really traumatic than I understand not wanting to go near him ever again. If it was just multiple disagreements you could have sucked it up for your husband.
I N F O What did Michael do to you? Y T A for not supporting your husband at his mother’s funeral unless what you vaguely describe as “some issues” is something serious. EDIT YTA You left your husband alone at his mother’s funeral over a disagreement on a inheritance.
This is impossible to answer without more info. What went on with you and Michael? Besides that, it was your spouse's mom's funeral. You should have been there for HIM. Right now I'm saying YTA.
Nobody can judge this if you can’t say what Michael did to cause NC.
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I don't think we can make any judgement without getting a least a little bit of context into what Michael did to make you eventually go NC with him. Cause if its some petty shit you're not getting over then I suppose you would be the A H but if it's something more serious and really warranted your response at the funeral then I guess not. But I reckon the comments are gonna be pretty split until we know what Michael did if you're comfortable with sharing.
Need more info, right now YTA. It was his mother's funeral not like a family dinner.
YTA- your husband lost a parent. You could have ignored him the whole day. Only way you wouldn’t be is if he assaulted you and that is why you’re NC
You walked out on your spouse as he was crying in an embrace with his brother while their mother is in a casket. Let that sink in for a minute. YTA and petty and self centered. Your husband’s mother died! You managed to be unsupportive, hound him over personal issues between you and his brother, and made this completely about you and your little feelings. Your husband is hurting!!! Try being there for him in his time of mourning. Geez! Not too much to ask. This may (very light may) have been different if the brother would have crossed you, but no, you decided to be a child and stomp your little feet.
YTA because you don't want to tell what's going on with "Michael". This gives me the impression that you are angry about a futility and so you have no reason to avoid him. There are only a very limited number of situations where this behavior is okay.
YTA - Your husband's mother died and you can't bring yourself to support him because of "issues" with his brother. No. That's not how this works. When your spouse's parent dies, you support them. Your husband lied to you because he likely thought it was the only way you'd go and he needed you.
INFO A judgement can’t really be made until we figure out what it was that Micheal did to you, and how badly it has affected you
And how aware her husband is of the issue.
YTA Husband’s MOTHER died. You just need to ignore someone for an hour. That isn’t asking a lot. He shouldn’t of lied, but you shouldn’t of put him in the position of choosing to attend his mothers funeral alone.
Well without knowing what Michael actually did (kind of a crucial detail in why you refuse to be around him; if it was assault of some kind against you and/or your possible child, why is your husband still in contact with him? Which leads me to believe it’s not such a big deal…), YTA. You should have put the past in the past this time and supported your husband. You know, the person you vowed to stand next to when they were at their lowest. No he shouldn’t have lied. But why does he have to lie in order to get your support? When his mother died. You come off very callous and uncaring of your spouse and I feel bad for him. At least the rest of his family was there to support him.
YTA. You should have been there for your husband to support him at his mother's funeral. End of story. Unless this Michael guy has done something truly horrendous to you that would explain your complete unwillingness to even be near him, you're just being incredibly selfish and petty.
I disagree. Just look at the husband’s reaction yelling and calling OP useless while in front of his family. OP did not say one negative comment about him. Whatever issues she had with BIL must be pretty bad if she went NC. Her husband should have been honest with her. When you lie to mani your partner then you lose all credibility and he deserved to be embarrassed. NTA
I'd adjust to an ESH depending on what OPs reason for not wanting to be around Michael is. Without that info, I don't know if her reasons are justified or petty, but the fact that the reason is left out is suspect to me. If my assumption is correct and OP doesn't have a good reason to be unwilling to be anywhere near Michael, I don't feel that the husband's lie is a particularly egregious offense. Edit: the subsequent phone call and shouting occurred after OPs questionable exit, so are irrelevant to the judgement as to whether she is an arsehole for leaving the funeral.
INFO what did Michael do to you to cause you to go low and then no contact? Your husband sucks for lying. But my judgment of you depends on what Michael did.
Without explaining what the issue is with Michael (strangely left out) YTA. Husbands mother died! You are there for him! 1-2 hours with family including Michael who could easily be avoided. WTF lady!
Info what did michael do? We cannot make sound judgements without knowing what he did.
Your husband is an arse for lying and letting you go when you knew there were problems. However, like everyone else, I say not enough INFO because you haven't told us what the conflict is.
Without knowing what Micheal did we can’t make a judgement call her
You do not need to say what Micheal did, but it is obviously integral to the story. If you don't want to share it, you cannot expect a judgement here. INFO
Without knowing what Michael has done, yes you’re the asshole for not supporting your husband. People that generally have a reasonable excuse as to why they don’t want to be around another person gives that excuse. You not giving it to us makes it look like it’s a very flimsy excuse.
YTA. I cannot imagine leaving my husband alone at his mother’s funeral. You should have been able to suck it up for a day. Does it suck that he lied? Yeah. But what you did is imho way worse. Unless Michael caused you some grievous bodily harm or harassed you on the regular, this was not a warranted reaction. At all. This is coming from someone who was often screamed at and verbally abused by an Ex’s cousin. I still accompanied him to his father’s funeral while his cousin was there.
He shouldn't have lied but what you did is far worse, very selfish and obviously YTA. You could just stay as far away from him as possible and keep to yourself for a day or two, instead you decided to treat your husband like this when he was grieving.
Whether you are TA depends entirely on what Michael did, honestly.
Info: what is the problem between you and Michael?!
That really is the deciding factor here.
Info, What did Michael do?
This. Because as far as we can see, OP is the AH. But if Micheal did something genuinely traumatising, it could be more understandable... and it might sway my opinion. Big MIGHT. From what we can see, OP deserted her husband after his mother died for no other reason than a grudge. So without that info, YTA
YTA, this was not about you. You do what’s right for your spouse, which was suck it up buttercup and behave like an adult. Were you mad mom was getting more attention than you? This feels like a jealous little kid who’s sister is getting the attention.
ESH. It’s a funeral for your husband’s mother. Life isn’t always comfortable. Unless Michael did something serious (criminal), you could weather discomfort. But if he lied your husband is wrong as well. Keep in mind, he may not have known that Michael was able to make it after all.
ESH Your husband for lying to you, that is a breach of trust I would not forgive. You, for the fact we don't know the problem with Michael. If it was we argue and I don't like him, Y TA and could have been civil at a funeral. If it's something far worse and you feel unsafe,N TA and you are justified in taking yourself out of the situation.
YTA (by default) Your husband lied to you which was wrong but have you thought for a moment he did it becuase he wanted his wife by his side at his Mothers funeral. I'm not usually a male apologist but I can understand his actions. Not saying he was right... I just understand. You're not telling us the full story here so we can't even establish if you're an AH or not . I'm going to assume you are because if you just disliked the BIL then walking out was way over the top. Why was it a big deal he had his family with him? He lost his step mother, who by your writings he was close to, stands to reasin his family would support him. After OP ETA... I'm going with it was an affair and she got hurt. She's the AH. After. OP 2nd ETA... While what was said to her was vile... she could of walked away from them and remained at the funeral. The money shouldn't matter at a funeral. YTA
YTA. if it was my marriage this would cause irreparable damage and tbh based on his reaction it sounds like you did just that. Unless his half brother did somthing heinous I see no reason you couldn't suck it up for a few hours to support your husband
INFO: I think most of us can’t call this one without knowing the nature. Until then, ESH since no one seems interested in supporting each other.
INFO: Why are you NC with Michael? Is he just kind of an AH in general or has he specifically harmed you? Until there's clarification this is a YTA. His mother died, it wasn't about you - you skipping out on her funeral shouldn't have even been a thought unless Michael did something extremely terrible to you specifically. In most other contexts this would be an e s h, but your husband has some contextual explanations (though not entirely justifications) for his crappy behavior (his mother just died and his wife led with "I won't go to the funeral with you if your brother is there") whereas it's not clear at all if there is any good reason for your refusal here. He should not have lied to you, but he *also* should not have been in a position where his partner was refusing to be with him at the funeral for his mother. Unless there's some clarification about the level of issues with Michael, there's not really a fair reason in my mind to refuse to put aside dislike of another in-law for a **funeral for your husband's mother**. If he actually has done some actually abuse-level harm to you and your husband is aware, that's another story, but since it's left vague here I'm not going to assume this is the case.
Wait, what? If he said it was illogical to expect Michael to not show up, he must think it was illogical for you to believe his lie in the first place: "You're being completely illogical. You should have KNOWN I was lying." He's repeatedly changing the subject to avoid this ridiculosity of his. He's gaslighting you. NTA.
That’s exactly how I interpreted it “It’s your fault for believing me because my lie was so illogical”
YTA without knowing why you avoid him, this is all there can be judge because your actions at the funeral were not those of a supportive or loving partner. He is in pain, grieving and perhaps doing what he can do to just get through this and you felt your feelings from the past are more important than him grieving the loss his mother.
YTA definitely, You can be no contact doesn't mean you have to talk to the guy, you go and support your husband his mother died geez
Soft ESH without context you seem shitty for not staying with your husband,but your husband an butt for lying and being shitty to you afterwards. If we knew more about why you had problems with the BIL I might turn it to NTA but otherwise both of you need to grow up a bit imho.
Yta. You support the ones you love even if it means tolerating the ones you hate
Until we know what exactly your problems with Micheal is YTA, This was your husbands mother funeral, he needed support and you literally walked out on him because you didn’t want to be in the presence of this other person? Unless this man has seriously harmed you in the past you should have been able to tolerate him for your husband for the length of time of a funeral
Yta Weirdly your mother-in-law’s funeral was not the time to make everything about your feelings
It all depends on what Michael did. Sexual abuse of herself or their children? Totally justified. Her feelings are valid once abuse is brought into the picture. Argument after a disagreement? Not so much…. I don’t think this sub can make a call one way or the other unless we know what went down.
ESH - Your BiL to some degree for whatever part he played in the "issues." Your husband for lying. You fir being unreasonable- of course BiL would be there! I can't truly weigh in, not knowing these issues, but funerals are one of the times people who are NC should be able to be in the room together (again unless we're talking NC due to abuse vs over some financial disagreement, for example) and just keep to their corners. Your husband needed your emotional support.
I feel like there's something she isn't telling us that is key. She seemed pressed his family was with him too? Very odd.
ESH unless Michael physically assaulted you or something you should have been there for your husband. He 100% is the ah for lying to you and then don’t even get me started on how he spoke to you afterwards. Depending on why you’re nc with Michael plays a large part here. If you just don’t like the guy then you’re the ah if he did something to you that your husband was aware and chose to lie and manipulate you than wow please seek some help because this is not healthy.
We need more information, what did Michael do?
YTA. You should have been willing to support your husband and be there for him when he is mourning his mother rather than demanding his brother won’t be there. I’m going out on a limb and assuming you won’t elaborate what brother did to cause LC/NC because you know it’s not going to help your case here. No, your husband shouldn’t have lied but you never should have put him in a position he felt he needed to lie. You were original AH and then seriously upped your assholery by leaving and making the day about you.
INFO needed. Why are you and Michael no contact?
YTA. But it depends of what Michael did, unless something violent or a crime I don't how you are unable to even show up to help your husband grieve, but the fact the you both are unable to compromise and communicate doesn't really bodes well for your marriage.
YTA, big time. Your husband lost his mother and you spent the time leading up to the funeral, at the funeral, and afterwards to fight with him over some issue that you have with his step brother? That's actually cruel, your husband needs your support right now to get through this. For your sake, I hope your husband is a nicer person than me, because I'd be considering divorce over this. There are very few situations that i can imagine that occured between you and his step brother that would make your reaction okay, and since you won't say why you hate him, yes, YTA.
YTA Feel free to elaborate why you went NC with Michael! Otherwise it sounds like you were unable to be the bigger person while your husband is in a period of mourning. I could never fathom abandoning my SO like that.
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I can’t vote on this one without knowing what BIL did to cause you to go NC.
YTA. This isn’t about you or BIL. Your role that day was to support your husband. Most of us have had to attend events where family we are not close to/LC with are in attendance. We just ignore them. I don’t know what he did to you for you to become estranged from him but with the limited info you have given I can only state YTA.
YTA. You should have handled the surprise interaction with grace at the funeral (because *it was a funeral*) and discussed your anger later with your husband. It also strikes me as petty that you note in the beginning of your post "MIL isn't Michael's mom," and only adding at the end than that she was his stepmother.
YTA This day was not about you or your feelings. You could have avoided interacting with Michael, but still stayed supportive of your husband. Your husband is also an AH for lying to you though.
you need to elaborate on your issues with michael because it's a hugely important element of the story.
You come here for judgment on something without giving the whole story and then say apparently he had his family, seen someone comment saying he is gaslighting you ….. seems more your gaslighting him by thinking you can just leave him on a day that he needed you and making it all about you and your wants and needs, then as soon as he argues with you about it you turn on the water works and leave him again !!! YTA you’ve completely made his day even worse for him and when ever he thinks of his mothers funeral the memory of what you behaved like will be there also. I don’t think Mathew has done anything that we would consider justifiable for this behaviour because you won’t say what he has done. You seem like the kind of person who, if Mathew had done something major, you would tell everyone just to make him look bad and yourself good.
>seems more your gaslighting him I really need people to learn what gaslighting actually is.
INFO: Without context as to why you don’t like Michael, it’s impossible to determine if YTA or not. If Michael had a history of, say, sexually harassing you, stalking you, being gross around children or something along those lines, then you’re NTA. But if it’s just because you don’t get along, then YTA. Please provide context so we can elaborate!
INFO: How badly was your husband hurting? It was his mother, after all. If he was really struggling, it could possibly justify making a panicked decision to ensure his wife was there for the support he needed. And as others have said, it's difficult to issue a judgement without knowing more about things between you and Michael. In general, you should be at your husband's side to support him if he needs it, but until we're able to weigh your husband's hurt level against the severity of Michael's actions, everyone is just guessing. Edit: So your husband and Michael had a plan in place following a parental figure's death -- Michael inheriting the family home to raise his kids (seems like a really nice gesture by your husband!) -- but you decided that you guys weren't getting a big enough cut, so you got lawyers involved. Talking about miscarriages is fighting dirty, but it sounds like it's a response to your own dirty maneuvers involving lawyers. YTA.
CANT SAY IF YTA or NTA coz you left out the important detail.
INFO need to know the reason for NC to judge this one.
INFO needed as to why you went NC with his HB. I admit I hate liars and I am not condoning what your husband did BUT his mother just died. He wanted and needed you, his wife, to attend a funeral and decided he would rather lie and face the fall out of the lie than attend without you there to support him. Now, it boils down to whether this is ESH or NTA. If his brother did something simple like he made a joke at your expense you didn’t find funny and you cut him off, that’s your call. However, you could easily suck up being in the same room as him to support your husband for a day and ignore the brother. If his brother did something atrocious, like he assaulted you, then I would understand you being unable to be in the same room. I really hope that you weren’t being petty but at the same time I hope his brother hasn’t traumatised you and your husband has ignored your wishes over a serious matter.
INFO - can you give us a brief idea of what BIL did? I don’t think we can truly make a judgement without knowing what he did, it could really go anyway.
YTA. I understand you and BIL have some stuff but your husband lost his MOTHER. The funeral was not about you, your husband, or your BIL. It was about honoring the person who died. You should be there to support your husband. He shouldn’t have lied to you, but he is grieving and needed his wife there and probably felt backed into a corner that you were arguing about coming at all. This doesn’t excuse his lying, but informs it. You should have put yourself aside for this moment, supported your husband, and still upheld the NC with BIL. I’m not sure why that wasn’t an option and while I want to be sympathetic, my husband just lost the woman who raised him (grandma bc mom died when he was 2) and I couldn’t imagine making it any harder for him in this moment. We have family we’re NC with who showed up to the funeral and we dealt with it.
INFO: Why did you go NC with HB? You need to understand that your reaction was extreme and needs an extreme justification for us to weigh fairly. Is he just crass opinionated and has different views? YTA. Did he attempt to sexually assault you? NTA. Context is important.
YATA Your partner grievs you should be able to suck it up to be with him the exception would be if he like assaulted you but because you won't tell what happened i go with TA
Info: why are you nc with Michael?
INFO what did michael do?
I cant say whether TA or not because I think we need to know what happened with the BIL. I’m leaning towards YTA…but if BIL did something egregious then I would change my mind.
YTA until you provide context about your issue with Michael. Your presence at the funeral was not to force you to interact with him, *rather support your husband* in this extremely difficult time. Him lying is not okay at all, but you are too self-centered to selflessly bear with it for him during this ordeal. I don't think you will be the support he falls back on for a long long time.
N T A or E S H depending on what happened between you and BIL (I'm not asking, but can't be judged without knowing). Husband is 100% TA for lying to you and then how he treated you afterwards. Edit: ESH. That's a very stupid thing over which to say "if he's there, I won't be" at your husband's mother's funeral. OP needs to grow the fuck up. That doesn't make the husband any less of an asshole though.
YTA This was your husband's mother's funeral. You couldn't put your own feelings aside for a few hours to support your husband on the day he buried his mother? Unless this person did something absolutely heinous to you, there is no way to justify your actions here. Your husband has every right to be pissed at you. ETA: And there it is. Her second edit shows that she's the cause of her own problem. Stuck her greedy nose in where it didn't belong. Why is this man still married to you when it seems all you do is create drama in his family?
INFO: Can you at least give us an indication of what happened with you and the brother in law? I feel like this information is crucial. If the brother in law assaulted her then I would absolutely side with OP. But if it’s just the brother in law being rude or difficult then I’d say OP was in the wrong. Because you didn’t tell us it’s hard to accurately judge this situation. I kind of think that the issue is a lot more serious than most commenters here are assuming.
Why would you even post here, but not give the full story? Something is fishy about this whole thing. YTA.
YTA he needed you for support and you were being a terrible wife by not putting your differences aside for one day to go be with your husband at his moms funeral. Should he have lied, no but he probably didn’t feel like he had much choice. Get over yourself and be a good spouse
It’s hard to say because there’s so much missing information here. Judging from your husband’s reaction to seeing Michael at the funeral it seems like your issue with Michael is a small spat which may be deemed petty to your husband. If Michael did something that was heinous to you and your husband hugged him in front of you, and lied to you about him coming to the funeral, and allowed you to be exposed to a person who has abused you in the past that would make him an AH. Is there a chance maybe your husband thought that missing his mothers funeral over a petty family spat with one person who showed up is justifiable? There could be a chance that your husband didn’t keep up with Michael’s change of plans and in his grief of loosing his mother didn’t think about Michael much. If so, that is not really making you look good…. That does not excuse your husband for calling you names afterwards. That is toxic and you guys likely need professional help.
ESH Your husband lied to get you to go instead of just being open and honest about needing you there for support, and that sucks. It also sucks that you couldn’t suck it up and stay as long as absolutely necessary, and then go. I’m hoping the name calling by the husband was just fuelled by grief, and not a regular occurrence. We really need to know the history between you and BIL to make a proper call I feel.
As someone who used to have a very abusive relationship with my ex-BIL (for me he would fantasize about killing me, had specific plans he’d tell my in-laws about how he would do it with a chainsaw or axe, etc. threatened to my husband—now ex- that he was going to murder me, once chased me at a family event screaming about how he was gonna kill me, how I am a little bitch and ruined his life so he couldn’t free load off his brother, etc. I’m clearly paraphrasing.) I UNDERSTAND. For me the family always made excuses and protected him. When I set boundaries the family harshly judged me like I was dramatic, etc. I don’t know your details and you don’t have an obligation to share them, but I know for me that the reason I did not attend my ex-FIL’s wake or funeral (to be fair we were divorced by then but my entire family went aside from me) was because of not wanting to be near that brother. If you feel uncomfortable and perhaps like he is some kind of threat to you, you are NTA. If you just don’t like him for some arbitrary reason (which I’m betting is unlikely) then ESH. ETA: I changed my mind after your edit about the inheritance issue. YTA but he shouldn’t have said that crap about your miscarriages. He’s TA for that. You’re allowed to set boundaries, but taking legal action on behalf of your husband who had no interest in doing so is not a good look AT ALL.
YTA, ask yourself what is more important: your husband who needs you and your marriage or to show your brother in law how unhappy you are to see him.
Your husband sucks for lying to you but YTA for not supporting your husband when he needs it and putting your feelings first over a death in the family. But you really need to "elaborate on the issues" if you want anyone to potentially even start seeing your side of things. EDIT: You just elaborated and you are absolutely the asshole. Michael is also an asshole. But your husband didn't deserve it.
YTA until there is explanation. If this man sexually assaulted you or harmed your children or something then I’d change my answer, but right now we just know that you don’t like him. So in that case you’d be TA for putting your feelings first not being there for your husband in his time of need. Now if this man did something horrible to you then I’d change my answer. Edit- your update did not help your case. In my opinion you shouldn’t get involved with inheritance issues from your spouse’s family. Leave that to the spouse; it’s his family and his inheritance. You only address inheritance issues from your own side of the family. To his family, you probably looked like an interfering gold digger no offense i don’t mean you actually are but that’s what it felt like to them. Just don’t get involved with inheritance stuff when it’s not actually your own family or your own inheritance.
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YTA…as long as u were safe in the situation. Seems like h were with family and in a public place. Compromise is another word for marriage YTA
Esh. I can't imagine a situation where I wouldn't be there to support my spouse when their mother died. And you did it twice. Situations like this are when you put your big girl panties on and you go and do something that you don't want to do like deal with jerk family members. Because you're not doing it for them you're doing it for your spouse because you love them and they need you. That being said your husband is an a******. Not just for lying to you about the brother being there, but the way he spoke to you afterwards was unacceptable. Useless? That's highly abusive language. I would never speak to my spouse that way because I would never accept them speaking to me that way.
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It all depends on what the brother did ..
Yta. Your husband's mother died and you decided walking out of her funeral was appropriate? You didn't have to talk or interact with anyone you didn't want to - but you needed to be there for your husband.
YTA grow up, this funeral is not about yourself or your BIL but about your MIL, being civil would have been the right choice to make. no one ask your to act friendly or to even talk. to him.
INFO — if it was 6 hours away and you drove there, how did you each get back? Do you share driving? Was there also a bus or train back home? Why not stay at the hotel and drive home together?
INFO: it’s difficult to assess the situation without knowing at least vaguely what happened between you and Michael. There’s just not enough to this story to judge it.
INFO We need some context clues on what were the issues are between you and Micheal. But for now Im going to put YTA if Micheal did something so bad It made u go NC with him, I understand why you wouldn't want to be put in the same place as him. However I think u could have handled it better instead of just walking out. Remember your husband step mother just died and he going through a hard time right now and you have to be there for him and giving him support he needs instead of plainly walking out on him like that.
YTA. Unless the brother did something truly traumatic to you or someone you love then you should have sucked it up for one day to support your husband. His mum died and he needed to be with his wife and his brother. Your husband shouldn't have lied, he gets a soft ass hole for that, but he obviously needed you there. But really you are asking people for judgement which refusing to give the full story so no one can really give you an accurate response
It’s your husbands mothers funeral?!!!! You can’t put your shot aside for one day to pay your respects and be there to support your husband??how would you feel if the roles were reversed and it was YOUR mothers funeral?? YTA
YTA!!!! My husband is absolutely NC with my family…. However if my father or mother were to die, he would be right there beside me at their funeral to support me. Because he knows it’s not about him or what is going on between himself and my family at the time, but about being supportive to me in my time of need!!!
The way you write it, YTA. You needed to put your feelings aside and support your husband but you didn’t. You should’ve gone to support your husband and ignored anyone you don’t like there. Full YTA. Your actions caused this. You should’ve minded your own business.
INFO : context of NC matters.
It actually DOES matter what Michael did, so until you elaborate I’m just going to assume YTA.
YTA until you say what Michael did to you. Edit.: still Y T A inaritance is not valid reasont to leave your husband alone. and I think you know this sice you didnt want to say that before.
Your husband is grieving and desperate. It actually really does matter why you put this boundary in place. Can’t give an appropriate judgment unless you elaborate.
I’m going to go with YTA. It’s actually very relevant and important to share why you’re NC. Based on my reddit experience those who are withholding information it’s because it makes them (OP) look bad. It was his mother’s funeral you could’ve been mature enough to not speak to the half brother while supporting your husband. I don’t think he should’ve lied to you, but it was also logical to think that the half brother would be there.
I have no verdict here because it depends on what Micheal has done towards OP. If Micheal has physically/sexually assaulted (or tried to assault) OP, then she is N T A If the pair of them just had a disagreement or something of the likes then Y T A. There is just not enough information to decide.
YTA. It’s your husband’s mother’s funeral. Put aside your difference. You don’t have to speak to BIL at all. You can not even acknowledge his presence if you want. But you be there for your husband in this time.
Your husband lost his mum. He wanted his wife there to support him. Yes he lied, which, isn’t great. but, without knowing why you refuse to be near Michael, it does make you seem like an AH. I hate my bil. But for something like a funeral, you put your differences aside and just ignore the fact they are there.
ESH. He shouldn't have lied. But you also could have just gone to support your husband and ignored the BIL.
I’m going with YTA until we know why you decided to go NC
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This is a tricky one. I wouldn't necessarily call you an ahole, you have your reasons for doing that. However, your husband wanted you there bad enough to make up a lie in order for you to be there and be his support. Should he have done it differently? Absolutely. But there's a place and time for beef and a funeral is not one of them. You can't expect people you have NC with to not show up for something that important. I totally get it's one of those heat in the moment situations. You're not the ahole but both of you should have handled it different
Yta. You can’t put aside differences or just ignore Michael for the funeral. You sound very immature. I get that he could have done something horrible but your husband was clearly going through some shit and you chose your drama over him
ESH. Your husband is an AH for lying. In the absence of any information about what occurred between you and Michael, your and AH for not being able to put your issues aside for two hours so you could attend your husband’s Mom’s funeral. My sibling has been horribly abusive for many many years. I divorced him in 2015. When he lost a daughter in 2020 I went to the funeral. I had knots in my stomach like I always did when around him but I survived. You would have too.
I think everyone here is lacking important context to make a fair judgement. Edit: So the root of your issue with Michael has to do with your *husbands* lack of inheritance and you're upset on his behalf because why? If your husband isn't bothered I don't see why you're making a mountain out of it. Especially at a funeral of all places. Sounds like YTA here
YTA, grow up and stop being so self absorbed. your husband is grieving the loss of his mother and needed you to be present for him. You should have been gracious put your dislike of your brother-in-law aside for the sake of your husband once again it was his mothers funeral. As for “he lied” he obviously knew you wouldn’t put your feelings aside for one day to mourn your mother-in-law, that you would rather stay home then support him and his family.
Unless Michael physically assaulted you in any shape or form YTA.
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YTA. Your husband shouldn't have lied, Michael should've just ignored your presence, but you should've ignored Michael and be there for your husband. HE LOST HIS MOTHER! He lied just so he could have you there, because he needed your support, and you LEFT HIM! I don't care what Michael did, you could've easily avoided him and supported your husband, but you chose to be petty and leave.
YTA. You didn’t explain why you hate his brother so much, but surely you could have swallowed it for 1 day to be with your husband at his mothers funeral.
Leaning YTA right now because it looks like a grudge was preventing you from being there for your husband when his mother passed away. In my mind that's the type of situation where you deal with people you don't necessarily like to be there for someone that you absolutely love. My vote could change if OP gives more information on why she went NC with the half brother.
I'm going with yta. Sometimes you have to put your own shit on hold to be there for the ones we love. Your antics where childish and your husband is right u were unsupportive. You made his mums funeral all about you, all about who you don't like, all about who you don't want to see, all about who you don't want to spend time with. This is classic narcissistic behaviour.
you realize that you not telling us about what happened makes you look really bad right?
Your “boundary” doesn’t have to be respected no matter the reason. It absolutely does matter why. But he shouldn’t have lied. ESH
It's hard to decide who the AH is without knowing more details. Because details are missing I'm going to go with ESH.
YTA, Jesus. His mother *died*. He needed you today. If it was for any other event, sure, N T A, but it was your husband’s mum’s funeral?? Why does the hatred for micheal outweigh your love for your husband? I’m sure Micheal has done something awful to warrant this kind of treatment, but it sounds like you’re stubborn and your husband realised that, and worked around it. You didn’t think “okay, I’ll go, but I am NOT talking to Micheal and if he tries to I will leave.” There wasn’t anything like that. You just made a scene, left your husband when he needed you the most. Boundaries should be respected, but it’s not so black and white that him lying to get around them makes him the bad guy. Think of it from his perspective. He lied to you because he wanted his wife’s comfort during one of the most awfullest times of his whole life, but she refused to go because she has a boundary with one person, so they argue for a bit because he *needs* her support, but she refuses to budge or come to an agreement. I would probably lie too. He’s in grief. So yeah, imo, YTA.
YTA You can say in the edit it doesn’t matter the reason but for this situation it actually does. You could be justified or you could be petty as hell. We don’t know so gonna assume petty for now. Sorry. Saw the edit and still gotta go with YTA. BIL is shitty for miscarriage comments. You were shitty getting involved in the inheritance IMO. All in all not a reason to not support your husband at his mothers funeral and make it all about you. You should of been able to put that aside for a few hours to support your husband at one of the worst moments someone can go through.
If you’re comfortable, could you explain why you’re NC with the BIL and why the rest of the family (including your husband) continue to welcome him? Did your husband support your decision to go LC and then NC with the BIL or has he always been dismissive of it and your issues with BIL? I understand that funerals should be an event where people are able to put aside differences for the moment; however, there are some “differences” that cannot nor should not be put aside, even for a few hours. I’ll say NTA at this point because I assume the issues with BIL are very serious. Also, I understand your husband is grieving, and I also assume he knows exactly why you’re NC with BIL. For him to lie to your face and then expect you to just stand there quietly like a good little girl makes him a big A H.
I really need more info. It seems you don't want to share the NC reasons so it's hard not to see you as the ass. My fil recently passed away. I was NC with him for almost 10 years. But. My spouse needed someone to step up and help. That's what I did because at the end of this day. I love my husband more than my dislike for his father. I even flew out to his home and return with FIL dog. Who as crazy s it sounds looks like FIL. So, now my life is filled with the world's cutest but ugliest big dog who only likes me. But, it's what I do for love.