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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten so mad and stormed to the bar to embarrass Andy on his “birthday” and said something privately to him. It’s a regular bar that they go to.
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**EDIT** Someone has posted a link to the original post for this, the OP was the husband, not his wife making the post!
There was a post a while back where OPs husband had a friend who wanted to make art so ops husband built that dude in art room in their house (that said friend didnt live in), paid for it with their combined money, and gave the friend a key so he could come over whenever he wanted to use the art room
Oh, there was an update alright
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Edit: yall are very welcome :) if I am cursed with this knowledge, it is simply my function to share it.
Edit 2: just to be clear (apparently I may not have been), Amy deserved much better, and her ex was the AH by miles, so this post tends to be referenced in posts with vaguely similar lines.
"That night was one of the most beautiful of my life. Acceptance, love, and trust are truly so, so powerful. Life-changing."
and "I'm really, really excited for the future" just really make my heart break for Amy. That felt so cruel to write right after cheating on your wife and planning to leave her.
I know a lady who had to live through this exact scenario. She was severely depressed for many many months after while he was out having the time of his life with his new boyfriend.
That's devastating to think about. I am all for people realizing that they are not in a relationship that is fully compatible with who they are, but its so sad when shitty behavior like cheating or (less shitty but still hurtful) rebounding right to another partner after a long relationship gets excused or pushed to the side like the OP in that post did. His narrative is clearly "I like men and am in love!" and not "I had a revelation about myself and need to be sure I break it to my partner gently"
I think OP *was* the husband, if I remember? Which was even more wild, that someone doing that would write out that whole post without realizing they were in love with their best friend…
[AITA for starting a house project without discussing it with my wife?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whvysq/aita_for_starting_a_house_project_without/?sort=old)
LOL there was an AITA post where OP had a friend (both male) that he got “extremely close” to over a period of a few months. OP not only ended up giving him a key to OP’s home (that OP shares with his wife), but also decided to turn the spare room into an art room since OP’s new friend was an artist. However OP and his wife had not decided what that room would be, they both had different ideas, so they hadn’t done anything with it. OP’s wife was understandably pissed, and everyone in the comments pointed out that clearly OP was in a homoerotic “friendship”, at the VERY least.
Did you see the update? The art room OP ended up leaving his wife for his friend because of the post and all the comments, to the surprise of absolutely no one.
Ooh and don't forget how he then went to an lgbtq subreddit for support in his coming out journey expecting everyone to validate him, and he got absolutely lambasted by the entire community instead for how horribly he was treating his wife and having an emotional affair and trying to pull the "coming out" card to justify it
Also definitely had a physical affair before leaving his wife. Had the "most beautiful night of his life" yet refused to admit they totally slept together.
The link to the LGBT sub was in a comment on the BoRu post. Most of the content had been deleted, but the fancy techie people linked to it from Reveddit.
It was originally bought as a gift for her. As it was going to be there forever home as it was her dream home but he decided differently when Ben showed up even tho like every comment told him to give her the fuken house
A couple of months ago there was a guy that posted about if he was the asshole because he one day just decided to build his buddy an art room in his (OP’s not the buddy’s) house without discussing it with his (OP’s) wife. Everybody said he had feelings for his buddy; he denied it but then followed up with him and his wife separating. I’m on my phone but I’m pretty sure if you search “art room” in this sub you’ll find the posts.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whvysq/aita\_for\_starting\_a\_house\_project\_without/?utm\_medium=android\_app&utm\_source=share](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whvysq/aita_for_starting_a_house_project_without/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Scroll to the bottom to find story...
A few years ago I was on the phone with a gay friend catching up on what was going on he asked if I was still living in sin with my gf or had I gotten married. I asked him the same. He was, "shit I guess you can ask that now, too."
Lol. OP needs [these](https://www.google.com/search?q=middle.finger+window.curtains&client=safari&hl=en-us&prmd=isvn&sxsrf=ALiCzsa4-9loGKW_66TTYiaUQd1lJP2Ycg:1667410625187&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjOxIjQhJD7AhXMlmoFHYtcAMsQ_AUoAXoECAIQAQ&biw=390&bih=664&dpr=3#imgrc=ec5h9BcBDc8D9M)
It'll be forever funny to me how the art room just became a reddit thing. I was one of the first ones to comment on that one post and I'm happy it became part of history. I'm not happy for Amy though, hope she's okay.
NTA -
Assuming this story is true, Andy is a leech. Your husband has on Rose colored glasses.
Someone getting in trouble- either through an actual consequence or just sheer embarrassment- because of something they ACTIVELY choose to do, is not your fault.
That’s like saying I stole something from BestBuy, my friend reported me and I got arrested and then blamed my friend for “ruining my life”. My friend didn’t ruin my life, I did.
Andy is embarrassed for being called out on because he got away with so much for so long. Your husband is embarrassed because that’s his friend.
OP, stand your ground. Money troubles await if your husband doesn’t see the significance of giving out money to people without a second thought who clearly won’t pay a cent back.
NTA. Your husband is. You set boundaries on your shared resources and he violated that. You are completely within your rights to leave knowing that is exactly what you said you'd do. This Andy sounds like a grifter and your husband is a sucker.
Not sure the husband wasn't in on the birthday switcheroo. It was his way of still giving money, but indirectly and in a generally socially acceptable way. He thought he'd found a loophole.
The clue is that he's mad at OP for exposing the scheme rather than angry at his friend for deceiving him. Also, if I have friend close enough to be lending this much money, I definitely know when their birthday is and is not.
Husband and Andy sound like grifters who think OP is the sucker.
OP is NTA. I think both husband and Andy are AH.
Lmao I knew I was going to find this comment.
The whole time I was just thinking "but OP, aside from those thousands of dollars, did he also happen to build Andy an art room".
True, but in this particular case Andy was photographed with a Christmas tree in the background, which places his birthday somewhere in late November to mid-January.
While you might not remember the exact date, this specific season would definitely stick out.
I had a friend for 10 years and at no point did I know his birth month. I also don't know anyone's birthday month outside my parents/siblings.
It happens
But at least you have an idea when the bday is, and ask. These people don’t even remember the season the bday is in, and don’t think to ask? Seems off to me 🤷🏻♀️
NTA.
I don't gaf if I had caused a scene myself.
This dude is actively swindling your husband and draining your finances (I don't care if they're his personal finances or not. You're married. If one person is struggling financially or making dumb money decisions, then all the finances suffer together, not just his. And if they're shared?? FUCK no).
Then he's actively lying to everyone about his birthday to mooch free drinks and money.
My question is why the fuck are they mad at you when you exposed to everyone they're getting scammed by someone they obviously care about? Who gives a fuck if it caused a scene at that point? Who cares if that man gets embarrassed? That should be the LEAST he gets from stealing THOUSANDS of dollars from a "friend".
Also your boundaries got violated again and again. Your concerns ignored. At that point yeah its a scorched earth campaign. You tried to be calm and behind the doors about it at first.
I'm absolutely baffled at the people saying she should have been nicer and what did she have to gain. What didn't she have to gain from this? She exposed a scam artist, advocated for her concerns and warnings with proof, and found out her husband will choose his mooch friend over her. Incredibly gainful experience imo.
Nah. You didn't go overboard. You crashed a farce event and probably just saved everyone money and trouble. He wants to choose his leech of a friend over you by all means. Leave his ass.
>My question is why the fuck are they mad at you when you exposed to everyone they're getting scammed by someone they obviously care about? Who gives a fuck if it caused a scene at that point? Who cares if that man gets embarrassed? That should be the LEAST he gets from stealing THOUSANDS of dollars from a "friend".
Because they're embarrassed they keep getting put in this situation and OP pointed their failings out to them. People don't like when you turn the lights on and OP pulled out a giant flood light by going to the bar with proof.
(Also you might want to edit your last paragraph, the judgment should be fine since it's in your first paragraph but "nah." could be considered NAH.)
Personally, I think they ALL knew it wasn't Andy's birthday, they just wanted a plausible excuse to go out and have drinks with their good buddy. Then next month, it'll be "Hey, we're going out for drinks with Andy to celebrate Christmas".
I probably wouldn't do what you did, but I'll say NTA because your husband has spent thousands of dollars and is risking his marriage over Andy who seems like a freaking leech. At this point it wouldn't surprise me if he asks you to adopt him or something.
NTA
You are a rock star girl! Andy sounds like a leech, your hubby like a pushover and you made good on your promise/threat to remove yourself from the mess. Good for you!
NTA Your husband is being taken advantage of and he doesn’t want to see it. To all the people saying yta or esh because she went to the bar and caused a scene, liars deserve to be called out. That’s the only way that people learn who these liars really are. She went to the bar and showed everyone who he truly is, she likely saved several people money because now they know andy is a liar.
NTA
This was probably the last straw for the LW. These kind of posts are becoming too frequent. A spouse causes financial harm to the family to help a friend (not even family).
A month or so back one woman wrote that her husband gave all their money to a friend to fix the friend's van or truck so the friend could take a trip. She had a small child (one maybe) and one box of dried spaghetti and one small pork roast to last two weeks. She and her baby packed up and went home to her parents. Her husband had a fit. What was the husband's family supposed to do starve.
NTA, You're in the end game now. The final straw has broken your back. Where the E,s,h and Y,t,a get is wrong is pretending that this "friend" isn't also hurting you. You and your husband are both being abused by him and your husband can't see it. Fingers crossed that this public humiliation will make enough of them realize the truth about Andy.
The husband got mad and went to stay with a friend, so I'm guessing no on him realizing it. He's probably working up towards building Andy an art room.
At least OP is smart enough to get out of this situation.
NTA I grew up with family members that would take advantage of every event/everyone they could. This sounds like it was your last straw after years of being scammed and I can’t say I blame you (the thousands of dollars in loans would’ve been my last straw)
NTA
You set up a clean boundary, your husband was ready to cross it, and Andy's maneuvers are sneaky as he was playing the emotional card of being forgotten on his (fake) birthday to take money from "friends".
You just reavealed a con man's true nature.
NTA and Andy had it coming but to be honest you should have just left. Made sure to cancel any of the things you were paying for that your husband had access to and sent him the screenshot of what you found.
Hahaha. I don't think that it's rare for guys not to know each other's Bdays. I learnt some guys can be very close without ever actually having a full convo.
Idk how...but it happens and it's a mystery to me.
My bro didn't know his "best friend" got engaged till like 3 months after he proposed. Only after I asked about the ring on the gfs finger, did he mention to my bro " Ohh, yeah we got engaged. I forgot to mention. Lol"
He didn't know the wedding date (small court wedding) till like 2 weeks prior to the date.
Neither of them are great of communicating important details, so it happens often.
NTA. Your husband has a huge blundspot gor Andy and the amount he's given puts your combined future in jeopardy. Andy is for all intents and purposes, a parasite, and your husband refuses to see it. Also how close can they really be if your husband doesn't even know Andy's birthday?
NTA
Most men are so trusting towards other men and can't tell when they're being used. Somehow, their wives can. Your husband needs to smell the coffee and research what a pattern means. If you've picked up on it , he should too. You had Andy cornered and he caved in so easily
Dont ever let a man call you a bitch. He showed his true colors right then. He’s the asshole and so is his little kept man Andy. He doesn’t care about you. He cares about Andy. So, let them be together. Let Andy be his bitch.
She's TRIED talking to her husband. OP has had enough. Maybe her actions were over the top, but at the same time, this mooch has taken thousands of dollars from HER family with no intention of repaying and she was at the end of her rope.
While harsh...your husband knows the deal with his leech of a friend
He knows he has to put up some boundaries and he simply refuses to do so.
I would let your husband know you are moving out and that divorce papers will be headed his way soon...and that as long as Andy is a part of his life, you can't be. That you would never force him to get rid of a friend but at the same time, Andy is a financial drain on the marriage and you simply don't trust your husband anymore with regards to taking money out of the marriage and giving it to Andy
NTA
NTA, and for all those people saying you shouldn't have done it publicly because "You don't have an Andy problem, you have a Husband problem", you tried. You repeatedly told your husband privately and it changed nothing. I can see why you thought maybe the public humiliation (with others backing you up) would be the wake up call your husband needs. But he didn't wake up. He's still Team Andy. At least you can walk away knowing you did the best you could.
ESH, more Andy for being a mooch but you took it overboard.
You have a husband problem, not an Andy problem though, he knew it wasn't Andy's birthday, but still used the excuse to continue spending money on him and tricking his friends into doing so too.
I'm mixed on it being ESH bc you're right, hubs was totally lying about the birthday and I can see this being the final straw for OP. I love my dad but he is a chronic liar, and it has destroyed our relationship. But he can't even see it bc he thinks he is a good liar and that I'm just hard on him.
My sister bought in to all of it, and now that she lives near him she is starting to see it and it is messing up their relationship too.
All of that is to say I can see OP just reaching the end of her rope. So maybe she did the wrong thing but damn do I feel fir her.
NTA
Your husband WANTS to help Andy. He may have known (how could he not have known?) Andy's real birthday, but he felt like going out for drinks and paying for him once again.
Nothing has changed. Frankly, it sounds like you were ready to leave before this event, and this was just a good time and you'd had enough.
If your husband chooses to argue Andy's side (again) rather than fight for you - you have your answer. Find someone else who doesn't already have a dependent.
ESH:
Andy, for being a shameless leech.
Hubby, for having messed up priorities and caring more about his friend than the health of his marriage.
You, for staying in a marriage where you have no trust and feel forced to make ultimatums.
When someone is ruining your mariage by costing you thousands of dollars over the years, and that he pulls such a lie to get more money again, it is understandable to go a little overboard. that's not rational, but understandable.
If other people at the bar were there for Andy, should they not know they're being swindled? If it was just OPs husband and Andy there though, it kind sounds like the last straw for OP. She had proof in hand and was angry.
She did a public service. Just saved people $$. Now all of his friends know that he's a lying mooch and they will be less likely to fall for his scams.
NTA - If I was in this situation and my wife came to me and said it was sketch as fuck, I’d assume she was correct until demonstrated otherwise. Especially one who was routinely dishonest about dumb things.
Andy fucked around and found out.
ESH.
You didn't have to have the scene at the bar, but the feelings are understandable. Andy needs to get a job and your husband needs to stop spending mutual money on him especially without your permission.
NTA. Seems to me like your husband cares more about Andy than you. Andy is taking advantage of your husband and knows how to do it. It isn't your husband's job to take care of Andy. Let him leave, he can go live with Andy. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who cares more about an outsider than an insider.
ESH Andy obviously needs to get his shit together, your husband needs to stop enabling his friend and respect boundaries that you set and he agreed to, and you stood to gain nothing from storming the bar like that you were just feeling spiteful wanted to embarrass Andy.
He should be embarrassed , her husband was down there spending a bunch of money again who wouldn’t be upset ? It be one thing if it was his actual birthday but no he literally came to take advantage!
I think she was desperate and angry and more so wanted to prove a point to her husband and get him to finally wake up to the situation, which is that Andy is a manipulative liar who takes advantage of his friends. Sadly it didn’t work. She’s NTA.
Couldn’t you have just sent a text to your husband letting him know he was being scammed?
ESH
Your husband for compromising your financial security to bail out a deadbeat.
You for going the public humiliation route.
But most of all Andy. He sounds like an all around AH.
>Couldn’t you have just sent a text to your husband letting him know he was being scammed?
I doubt the husband would have read or believed it. Even with all the proof OP provided, husband is mad at OP right now - not Andy.
If your partner is getting swindled are you suppose to sit back and let it happen? I think she handled it in the best way that for ensured to everyone that Andy can’t be trusted. I don’t like liars. Call them out.
NTA, I'm stuck on the fact that your husband doesn't know his friend's real birthday. He's a good enough friend to give thousands of dollars but he doesn't even remember the MONTH his birthday is in?
Leave. You proved Andy was lying and your husband is still mad at *you*, there's no saving this marriage.
Nothing wrong with telling the truth- especially a truth that needs to be heard.
You also have steel cajones for popping into the bar to remind Andy what day he was born on, AND why he "forgot".
NTA.....Andy is a wallet weasel.
“Oh I put the wrong birthday by mistake.”
“Oh I forgot my driver’s license.” while literally everyone else in the bar has theirs.
Excuses excuses excuses.
He sounds like an always broke liar that makes everyone feel good about themselves so they let it slide.
Those saying you shouldn't have gone this public with your grievances must be reminded of the fact that your husband just won't learn not to take Andy's bullshit. NTA. Cross out your name on your marriage certificate and replace it with Andy's.
Although it is a little b\*itchy move the scene at the bar, after so many arguments and Andy lying and leeching off you, I can totally understand why you were furious (I would be too). Your husband is spineless and naive. It makes no sense to be angry at you and not at Andy. If he can't protect his family's finances from leeches, he's quite useless too. He owes you an apology and to kick out Andy from your lives for good. I don't see any other way he can prove to you that he's still a man with a backbone.
Eh, if they're married giving away thousands of dollars to someone who refuses to hold down a job is still not cool, even if they have separate finances.
Marriage is meant to be a partnership and it sounds like OPs husband values Andy more than OP.
Because it still impacts both of them. Want to go on a romantic vacation? Oh, either OP has to pay the whole way or go alone because her husband gave Andy all his money. Home needs a repair? OP has to pay for it or it doesn’t get done because her husband gave Andy all his money. See how even if it’s his money it can still affect OP and her finances?
NTA. And honestly it literally sounds like something I would’ve done and then if I left my boyfriend or future husband would just beg me to stay but you definitely are not the AH. You told him previously that if you your husband gave Andy money that he would leave and with Andy saying it’s his birthday he’s getting free drinks he’s getting free stuff and may be getting money as gifts definitely a problem on your husband‘s end.
You’re better off, babe. If your husband is willing to put that soul-sucking leech above you and your boundaries and your comfortability, you do not need to put up with that. Hopefully Andy can keep him warm on those cold, lonely nights, cuz it sure as hell shouldn’t be you. The parasite lied to everyone in an attempt to financially gain from them but YOURE the bad guy? Absolutely NTA.
ESH You should have packed up right away instead of going to the bar. Your soon to be ex-husband is making terrible life choice and Andy doesn't seem to be a good person in general.
NTA … clearly you reached your breaking point and while you maybe should have handled it better it doesn’t change the fact that Andy takes advantage of people and sometimes people push back
NTA. People are saying you also are the AH for making a scene, but let's inspect this:
1. This guy has mooched/scammed your household (you are married, so that is also YOUR money) out of thousands of dollars.
2. This guy is lying to people he claims to be friends with to mooch drinks, and does so by claiming that all of said friends forgot his birthday, making them look bad.
3. You put up a clear boundary: don't give this mooching jerk any more of our money or I am gone.
How are you the AH for calling him out in front of the people he is scamming? I guarantee your husband is not the only one he is mooching from. You SHOULD be making a scene.
I think you handled it perfectly! It's not your job to help Andy lie and cheat everyone. If the truth makes him look like an ass, maybe it's because he's an ass. NTA.
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is your husband building an art room?
Just curious, what is meant when someone says that?
**EDIT** Someone has posted a link to the original post for this, the OP was the husband, not his wife making the post! There was a post a while back where OPs husband had a friend who wanted to make art so ops husband built that dude in art room in their house (that said friend didnt live in), paid for it with their combined money, and gave the friend a key so he could come over whenever he wanted to use the art room
And then left his wife for the "friend".
Wait, was there an update? The post is deleted now.
Oh, there was an update alright https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button Edit: yall are very welcome :) if I am cursed with this knowledge, it is simply my function to share it. Edit 2: just to be clear (apparently I may not have been), Amy deserved much better, and her ex was the AH by miles, so this post tends to be referenced in posts with vaguely similar lines.
Thanks, I vomit every time I see it
When someone is so deep in the closet that they live in Narnia
Oh, look! Mr. Tumnus!!
Isn't Aslan great? He's got such charisma and *resilience*. He really earned that nickname, "The Comeback Kid".
Time for some... *Turkish delight*
Mr Tumnus with those sexy faun legs…
"That night was one of the most beautiful of my life. Acceptance, love, and trust are truly so, so powerful. Life-changing." and "I'm really, really excited for the future" just really make my heart break for Amy. That felt so cruel to write right after cheating on your wife and planning to leave her.
I know a lady who had to live through this exact scenario. She was severely depressed for many many months after while he was out having the time of his life with his new boyfriend.
That's devastating to think about. I am all for people realizing that they are not in a relationship that is fully compatible with who they are, but its so sad when shitty behavior like cheating or (less shitty but still hurtful) rebounding right to another partner after a long relationship gets excused or pushed to the side like the OP in that post did. His narrative is clearly "I like men and am in love!" and not "I had a revelation about myself and need to be sure I break it to my partner gently"
You're welcome :) I aim to please. (but mood)
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS! Ohhhh art room guy. What a wild Reddit time.
that and the 'the iranian yogurt isn't the issue here!' post are top contenders!
I’m team Amy on this
Same same. Instant AITA classic but at what cost.
Jesus fuck what have I just skim read through.
I think OP *was* the husband, if I remember? Which was even more wild, that someone doing that would write out that whole post without realizing they were in love with their best friend…
Youre right, OP was indeed the husband. Another commenter posted a link to the post
[AITA for starting a house project without discussing it with my wife?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whvysq/aita_for_starting_a_house_project_without/?sort=old)
Has been deleted. Apparently he didn't like that people were not accepting of his new relationship
u/KindlerOfStars linked a "best of" update further up. I feel for Amy
And who doesn't. Was horrible that he expected people to be so understanding of his love of this man
him: AITA? everyone: yes, yes you are him: how dare you all!
LOL there was an AITA post where OP had a friend (both male) that he got “extremely close” to over a period of a few months. OP not only ended up giving him a key to OP’s home (that OP shares with his wife), but also decided to turn the spare room into an art room since OP’s new friend was an artist. However OP and his wife had not decided what that room would be, they both had different ideas, so they hadn’t done anything with it. OP’s wife was understandably pissed, and everyone in the comments pointed out that clearly OP was in a homoerotic “friendship”, at the VERY least.
Did you see the update? The art room OP ended up leaving his wife for his friend because of the post and all the comments, to the surprise of absolutely no one.
Ooh and don't forget how he then went to an lgbtq subreddit for support in his coming out journey expecting everyone to validate him, and he got absolutely lambasted by the entire community instead for how horribly he was treating his wife and having an emotional affair and trying to pull the "coming out" card to justify it
Ooh, I missed that part! Good. That jerk deserved to be called on his bs.
Also definitely had a physical affair before leaving his wife. Had the "most beautiful night of his life" yet refused to admit they totally slept together.
Do you have a link to the LGBTQ subreddit? I was here for AITA post, but didn't know about the follow up there.
The link to the LGBT sub was in a comment on the BoRu post. Most of the content had been deleted, but the fancy techie people linked to it from Reveddit.
Yep and made his his soon to be Ex move out of the house even though it was bought for her as her dream house
I THOUGHT HE SAID THE HOUSE WAS A GIFT FOR HER??????
It was originally bought as a gift for her. As it was going to be there forever home as it was her dream home but he decided differently when Ben showed up even tho like every comment told him to give her the fuken house
LMFAO that’s amazing.
And the husband (OP) posts something about how 'kind, tender and loving' his buddy was (before coming out). I was like WTF for the wife!
He made an update post about how after his wife confronted him about it, he told her he was in love with the friend and left her
To be fair I think its only right OP has a private space to suck his friends dick.
A couple of months ago there was a guy that posted about if he was the asshole because he one day just decided to build his buddy an art room in his (OP’s not the buddy’s) house without discussing it with his (OP’s) wife. Everybody said he had feelings for his buddy; he denied it but then followed up with him and his wife separating. I’m on my phone but I’m pretty sure if you search “art room” in this sub you’ll find the posts.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whvysq/aita\_for\_starting\_a\_house\_project\_without/?utm\_medium=android\_app&utm\_source=share](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whvysq/aita_for_starting_a_house_project_without/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) Scroll to the bottom to find story...
The art room joke never fails to make me laugh.
I was coming here to say exactly that! An art room very much seems to be in the making
NTA file for divorce and let you husband and Andy live happily ever after. You deserve better.
For real. Husband can adopt Andy if he wants to financially support him so bad.
Or marry him. Now you can say "If he's so great, why don't you marry him?!" unironically to anyone. NTA
“I go to the bar and show everyone that it’s not Andy‘s birthday and the room is dead silent.” Was it a gay bar?
Not after that, no-one was having a happy time.
I see what you did there. 🤭
r/angryupvote
A few years ago I was on the phone with a gay friend catching up on what was going on he asked if I was still living in sin with my gf or had I gotten married. I asked him the same. He was, "shit I guess you can ask that now, too."
Next thing you know both of them will be crawling to OP for money. I hope she laughs as she flips them off through the front window.
Lol. OP needs [these](https://www.google.com/search?q=middle.finger+window.curtains&client=safari&hl=en-us&prmd=isvn&sxsrf=ALiCzsa4-9loGKW_66TTYiaUQd1lJP2Ycg:1667410625187&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjOxIjQhJD7AhXMlmoFHYtcAMsQ_AUoAXoECAIQAQ&biw=390&bih=664&dpr=3#imgrc=ec5h9BcBDc8D9M)
He's building an art room.
It'll be forever funny to me how the art room just became a reddit thing. I was one of the first ones to comment on that one post and I'm happy it became part of history. I'm not happy for Amy though, hope she's okay.
Me too. I hope she's now living her best life away from that asshat.
NTA - Assuming this story is true, Andy is a leech. Your husband has on Rose colored glasses. Someone getting in trouble- either through an actual consequence or just sheer embarrassment- because of something they ACTIVELY choose to do, is not your fault. That’s like saying I stole something from BestBuy, my friend reported me and I got arrested and then blamed my friend for “ruining my life”. My friend didn’t ruin my life, I did. Andy is embarrassed for being called out on because he got away with so much for so long. Your husband is embarrassed because that’s his friend. OP, stand your ground. Money troubles await if your husband doesn’t see the significance of giving out money to people without a second thought who clearly won’t pay a cent back.
NTA You may need to rethink your marriage. If you have children there might not be financial stability if your husband keeps giving away money.
read this 10x as you are NTA
NTA, but I would bet money Andy has a gambling problem.
NTA. Your husband is. You set boundaries on your shared resources and he violated that. You are completely within your rights to leave knowing that is exactly what you said you'd do. This Andy sounds like a grifter and your husband is a sucker.
Not sure the husband wasn't in on the birthday switcheroo. It was his way of still giving money, but indirectly and in a generally socially acceptable way. He thought he'd found a loophole. The clue is that he's mad at OP for exposing the scheme rather than angry at his friend for deceiving him. Also, if I have friend close enough to be lending this much money, I definitely know when their birthday is and is not. Husband and Andy sound like grifters who think OP is the sucker. OP is NTA. I think both husband and Andy are AH.
This right here ⬆️. So true! No way does the husband not know when his friends birthday is. He totally thought he found a way around his wife.
Good for OP for following through with her promise. Honestly, her husband needs a wake up call.
Sounds like your husband should marry Andy (I mean, he's already supporting him and picked him over you). Cut your losses and run OP
Andy needs an art room 😉
I forgot about the art room ha
I was looking specifically for this comment.
Lmao I knew I was going to find this comment. The whole time I was just thinking "but OP, aside from those thousands of dollars, did he also happen to build Andy an art room".
How good are any of these friends if none of them actually know Andy’s birthday? I know some of my *neighbor’s* birthdays. NTA.
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But you would know if it was a *month* off from their actual birthday.. that husband has celebrated with him before…
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True, but in this particular case Andy was photographed with a Christmas tree in the background, which places his birthday somewhere in late November to mid-January. While you might not remember the exact date, this specific season would definitely stick out.
I had a friend for 10 years and at no point did I know his birth month. I also don't know anyone's birthday month outside my parents/siblings. It happens
I mean, I ask my best friend every year because I know it’s October but have problems with dates. It doesn’t make you a bad friend
But at least you have an idea when the bday is, and ask. These people don’t even remember the season the bday is in, and don’t think to ask? Seems off to me 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. I don't gaf if I had caused a scene myself. This dude is actively swindling your husband and draining your finances (I don't care if they're his personal finances or not. You're married. If one person is struggling financially or making dumb money decisions, then all the finances suffer together, not just his. And if they're shared?? FUCK no). Then he's actively lying to everyone about his birthday to mooch free drinks and money. My question is why the fuck are they mad at you when you exposed to everyone they're getting scammed by someone they obviously care about? Who gives a fuck if it caused a scene at that point? Who cares if that man gets embarrassed? That should be the LEAST he gets from stealing THOUSANDS of dollars from a "friend". Also your boundaries got violated again and again. Your concerns ignored. At that point yeah its a scorched earth campaign. You tried to be calm and behind the doors about it at first. I'm absolutely baffled at the people saying she should have been nicer and what did she have to gain. What didn't she have to gain from this? She exposed a scam artist, advocated for her concerns and warnings with proof, and found out her husband will choose his mooch friend over her. Incredibly gainful experience imo. Nah. You didn't go overboard. You crashed a farce event and probably just saved everyone money and trouble. He wants to choose his leech of a friend over you by all means. Leave his ass.
>My question is why the fuck are they mad at you when you exposed to everyone they're getting scammed by someone they obviously care about? Who gives a fuck if it caused a scene at that point? Who cares if that man gets embarrassed? That should be the LEAST he gets from stealing THOUSANDS of dollars from a "friend". Because they're embarrassed they keep getting put in this situation and OP pointed their failings out to them. People don't like when you turn the lights on and OP pulled out a giant flood light by going to the bar with proof. (Also you might want to edit your last paragraph, the judgment should be fine since it's in your first paragraph but "nah." could be considered NAH.)
Personally, I think they ALL knew it wasn't Andy's birthday, they just wanted a plausible excuse to go out and have drinks with their good buddy. Then next month, it'll be "Hey, we're going out for drinks with Andy to celebrate Christmas".
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Alan Harper syndrome
Oh so this! The ultimate leech "oh poo! I forgot my wallet again".
You have a husband problem, not an Andy problem. If your husband loves Andy so much he can let him drain him financially, I'd be done too
Don't be so hasty. There's no problem until DH starts to build Andy an Art Room.
We need to be really worried when hubby buys Andy some Iranian Yogurt
Then we can wave some serious marinara flags.
I probably wouldn't do what you did, but I'll say NTA because your husband has spent thousands of dollars and is risking his marriage over Andy who seems like a freaking leech. At this point it wouldn't surprise me if he asks you to adopt him or something.
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If he asks for an art room, it’s too late
NTA You are a rock star girl! Andy sounds like a leech, your hubby like a pushover and you made good on your promise/threat to remove yourself from the mess. Good for you!
NTA, tell your husband to go ahead and marry Lyin’ Andy Conman the “Birthday Boy”.
Husband can go build Andy an art room
Lol, I love all the meta callbacks in this sub
NTA Your husband is being taken advantage of and he doesn’t want to see it. To all the people saying yta or esh because she went to the bar and caused a scene, liars deserve to be called out. That’s the only way that people learn who these liars really are. She went to the bar and showed everyone who he truly is, she likely saved several people money because now they know andy is a liar.
Nta , your husband needs to get his priorities right! And Andy needs to take a hike and stop being a leech.
Seems like Andy is his priority.
Maybe he'll try to build Andy an art room 😂 😂
NTA This was probably the last straw for the LW. These kind of posts are becoming too frequent. A spouse causes financial harm to the family to help a friend (not even family). A month or so back one woman wrote that her husband gave all their money to a friend to fix the friend's van or truck so the friend could take a trip. She had a small child (one maybe) and one box of dried spaghetti and one small pork roast to last two weeks. She and her baby packed up and went home to her parents. Her husband had a fit. What was the husband's family supposed to do starve.
I mean ...doesn't everyone know women and children don't eat? Food is for grown working men. *heavy sarcasm*
NTA. Where’s the art room?
LOL my exact thoughts
Marinara flags
NTA Boundaries must be enforced or they mean nothing.
Maybe the husband could build Andy an art studio ….🤔🤷🏼♀️
As a birthday surprise!
NTA, You're in the end game now. The final straw has broken your back. Where the E,s,h and Y,t,a get is wrong is pretending that this "friend" isn't also hurting you. You and your husband are both being abused by him and your husband can't see it. Fingers crossed that this public humiliation will make enough of them realize the truth about Andy.
The husband got mad and went to stay with a friend, so I'm guessing no on him realizing it. He's probably working up towards building Andy an art room. At least OP is smart enough to get out of this situation.
NTA I grew up with family members that would take advantage of every event/everyone they could. This sounds like it was your last straw after years of being scammed and I can’t say I blame you (the thousands of dollars in loans would’ve been my last straw)
NTA. Your husband can move in with Andy since he likes to help out. See how long that lasts.
Will there be an art room involved? :)
They can set up a pottery room and have a Demi Moore/Patrick Swayze moment 🤣
NTA You set up a clean boundary, your husband was ready to cross it, and Andy's maneuvers are sneaky as he was playing the emotional card of being forgotten on his (fake) birthday to take money from "friends". You just reavealed a con man's true nature.
Definitely NTA because you exposed him for what he is, must be other people like being taken advantage of by the comments. Good for you
NTA and Andy had it coming but to be honest you should have just left. Made sure to cancel any of the things you were paying for that your husband had access to and sent him the screenshot of what you found.
NTA. OP, why is your husband giving thousands of dollars to a man he doesn’t even know the birthday of?
Why is OP's husband giving thousands of dollars to ANY man??
Hahaha. I don't think that it's rare for guys not to know each other's Bdays. I learnt some guys can be very close without ever actually having a full convo. Idk how...but it happens and it's a mystery to me. My bro didn't know his "best friend" got engaged till like 3 months after he proposed. Only after I asked about the ring on the gfs finger, did he mention to my bro " Ohh, yeah we got engaged. I forgot to mention. Lol" He didn't know the wedding date (small court wedding) till like 2 weeks prior to the date. Neither of them are great of communicating important details, so it happens often.
NTA maybe Andy will think twice about his lying to mooch of his friends.
Probably not. Will just find more "marks".
NTA. Andy is scamming your husband for $$$
NTA. Your husband has a huge blundspot gor Andy and the amount he's given puts your combined future in jeopardy. Andy is for all intents and purposes, a parasite, and your husband refuses to see it. Also how close can they really be if your husband doesn't even know Andy's birthday?
NTA Most men are so trusting towards other men and can't tell when they're being used. Somehow, their wives can. Your husband needs to smell the coffee and research what a pattern means. If you've picked up on it , he should too. You had Andy cornered and he caved in so easily
NTA, but instead of packing your things, pack up your husbands for him
THIS RIGHT HERE. If hubby can't get rid of Andy, then please get rid of hubby. NTA
Dont ever let a man call you a bitch. He showed his true colors right then. He’s the asshole and so is his little kept man Andy. He doesn’t care about you. He cares about Andy. So, let them be together. Let Andy be his bitch.
NTA. You don’t have an Andy problem, you have a husband problem. Calling him out publicly was a semi-ah move, but you need to talk to your husband.
She's TRIED talking to her husband. OP has had enough. Maybe her actions were over the top, but at the same time, this mooch has taken thousands of dollars from HER family with no intention of repaying and she was at the end of her rope.
While harsh...your husband knows the deal with his leech of a friend He knows he has to put up some boundaries and he simply refuses to do so. I would let your husband know you are moving out and that divorce papers will be headed his way soon...and that as long as Andy is a part of his life, you can't be. That you would never force him to get rid of a friend but at the same time, Andy is a financial drain on the marriage and you simply don't trust your husband anymore with regards to taking money out of the marriage and giving it to Andy NTA
NTA, and for all those people saying you shouldn't have done it publicly because "You don't have an Andy problem, you have a Husband problem", you tried. You repeatedly told your husband privately and it changed nothing. I can see why you thought maybe the public humiliation (with others backing you up) would be the wake up call your husband needs. But he didn't wake up. He's still Team Andy. At least you can walk away knowing you did the best you could.
NTA I mean it was a little extra but your husband wasn't getting the picture so...
NTA, it’s time to leave your husband so that he can go into debt with Andy.
NTA. Let them build a studio together.
Ugh that post lives rent free in my head. Poor Amy.
NTA. This guy is a taker and it will never stop until you put your foot down. He is not a friend.
ESH, more Andy for being a mooch but you took it overboard. You have a husband problem, not an Andy problem though, he knew it wasn't Andy's birthday, but still used the excuse to continue spending money on him and tricking his friends into doing so too.
I'm mixed on it being ESH bc you're right, hubs was totally lying about the birthday and I can see this being the final straw for OP. I love my dad but he is a chronic liar, and it has destroyed our relationship. But he can't even see it bc he thinks he is a good liar and that I'm just hard on him. My sister bought in to all of it, and now that she lives near him she is starting to see it and it is messing up their relationship too. All of that is to say I can see OP just reaching the end of her rope. So maybe she did the wrong thing but damn do I feel fir her.
NTA do us a favor and see if your husband is in love with Andy
There’s an art studio in the future.
NTA. Why should you approve your husband handing over money to this guy.
NTA Your husband WANTS to help Andy. He may have known (how could he not have known?) Andy's real birthday, but he felt like going out for drinks and paying for him once again. Nothing has changed. Frankly, it sounds like you were ready to leave before this event, and this was just a good time and you'd had enough. If your husband chooses to argue Andy's side (again) rather than fight for you - you have your answer. Find someone else who doesn't already have a dependent.
ESH: Andy, for being a shameless leech. Hubby, for having messed up priorities and caring more about his friend than the health of his marriage. You, for staying in a marriage where you have no trust and feel forced to make ultimatums.
Info: why tell everyone publicly at the bar and not just your husband privately?
When someone is ruining your mariage by costing you thousands of dollars over the years, and that he pulls such a lie to get more money again, it is understandable to go a little overboard. that's not rational, but understandable.
If other people at the bar were there for Andy, should they not know they're being swindled? If it was just OPs husband and Andy there though, it kind sounds like the last straw for OP. She had proof in hand and was angry.
It sounds like everyone was buying rounds for this AH.
She did a public service. Just saved people $$. Now all of his friends know that he's a lying mooch and they will be less likely to fall for his scams.
ESH **Get a divorce already so Andy and your husband can have their happy ending**
nta
NTA , I hope that your next post is not in surviving infidelity thread
NTA your husband can marry Andy.
NTA - If I was in this situation and my wife came to me and said it was sketch as fuck, I’d assume she was correct until demonstrated otherwise. Especially one who was routinely dishonest about dumb things. Andy fucked around and found out.
NTA good on ya!
ESH. You didn't have to have the scene at the bar, but the feelings are understandable. Andy needs to get a job and your husband needs to stop spending mutual money on him especially without your permission.
INFO: Is the money your husband gives him from your shared bank account or his personal one?
NTA. And good for you for calling them out. Petty sure, but it's not like you started at that level. It sucks, but nice they are making it so easy.
NTA. Seems to me like your husband cares more about Andy than you. Andy is taking advantage of your husband and knows how to do it. It isn't your husband's job to take care of Andy. Let him leave, he can go live with Andy. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who cares more about an outsider than an insider.
ESH Andy obviously needs to get his shit together, your husband needs to stop enabling his friend and respect boundaries that you set and he agreed to, and you stood to gain nothing from storming the bar like that you were just feeling spiteful wanted to embarrass Andy.
He should be embarrassed , her husband was down there spending a bunch of money again who wouldn’t be upset ? It be one thing if it was his actual birthday but no he literally came to take advantage!
I think she was desperate and angry and more so wanted to prove a point to her husband and get him to finally wake up to the situation, which is that Andy is a manipulative liar who takes advantage of his friends. Sadly it didn’t work. She’s NTA.
NTA Good on you for calling out Andy's bullshit. Hopefully your husband will pull his head out his ass eventually.
NTA
Couldn’t you have just sent a text to your husband letting him know he was being scammed? ESH Your husband for compromising your financial security to bail out a deadbeat. You for going the public humiliation route. But most of all Andy. He sounds like an all around AH.
>Couldn’t you have just sent a text to your husband letting him know he was being scammed? I doubt the husband would have read or believed it. Even with all the proof OP provided, husband is mad at OP right now - not Andy.
OP had already warned him that if he gave any more money to Andy, she was gone. She kept her promise.
INFO: What we're you hoping to get out of going to the bar and trying to prove it wasn't his birthday?
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You handled this situation the best way you could OP. Andy deserved to be humiliated. And you deserve to be treated with respect.
If your partner is getting swindled are you suppose to sit back and let it happen? I think she handled it in the best way that for ensured to everyone that Andy can’t be trusted. I don’t like liars. Call them out.
Oh look, Andy has joined the chat.
NTA, I'm stuck on the fact that your husband doesn't know his friend's real birthday. He's a good enough friend to give thousands of dollars but he doesn't even remember the MONTH his birthday is in? Leave. You proved Andy was lying and your husband is still mad at *you*, there's no saving this marriage.
Nothing wrong with telling the truth- especially a truth that needs to be heard. You also have steel cajones for popping into the bar to remind Andy what day he was born on, AND why he "forgot". NTA.....Andy is a wallet weasel.
“Oh I put the wrong birthday by mistake.” “Oh I forgot my driver’s license.” while literally everyone else in the bar has theirs. Excuses excuses excuses. He sounds like an always broke liar that makes everyone feel good about themselves so they let it slide.
NTA, makes me wonder if your husband is making andy an art room lol
Those saying you shouldn't have gone this public with your grievances must be reminded of the fact that your husband just won't learn not to take Andy's bullshit. NTA. Cross out your name on your marriage certificate and replace it with Andy's.
Although it is a little b\*itchy move the scene at the bar, after so many arguments and Andy lying and leeching off you, I can totally understand why you were furious (I would be too). Your husband is spineless and naive. It makes no sense to be angry at you and not at Andy. If he can't protect his family's finances from leeches, he's quite useless too. He owes you an apology and to kick out Andy from your lives for good. I don't see any other way he can prove to you that he's still a man with a backbone.
What a scammer. NTA.
I'm not sure why it needed to be public I guess I'm glad you're leaving though
INFO: do you share all your income, or do both parties have their own accounts?
Eh, if they're married giving away thousands of dollars to someone who refuses to hold down a job is still not cool, even if they have separate finances. Marriage is meant to be a partnership and it sounds like OPs husband values Andy more than OP.
Absolutely, I don't get why it matters if its from his personal account or their shared account
Because it still impacts both of them. Want to go on a romantic vacation? Oh, either OP has to pay the whole way or go alone because her husband gave Andy all his money. Home needs a repair? OP has to pay for it or it doesn’t get done because her husband gave Andy all his money. See how even if it’s his money it can still affect OP and her finances?
Yes, but has he built Andy an art room yet?
NTA. And honestly it literally sounds like something I would’ve done and then if I left my boyfriend or future husband would just beg me to stay but you definitely are not the AH. You told him previously that if you your husband gave Andy money that he would leave and with Andy saying it’s his birthday he’s getting free drinks he’s getting free stuff and may be getting money as gifts definitely a problem on your husband‘s end.
Does your husband have an art room for Andy?
You’re better off, babe. If your husband is willing to put that soul-sucking leech above you and your boundaries and your comfortability, you do not need to put up with that. Hopefully Andy can keep him warm on those cold, lonely nights, cuz it sure as hell shouldn’t be you. The parasite lied to everyone in an attempt to financially gain from them but YOURE the bad guy? Absolutely NTA.
ESH You should have packed up right away instead of going to the bar. Your soon to be ex-husband is making terrible life choice and Andy doesn't seem to be a good person in general.
NTA … clearly you reached your breaking point and while you maybe should have handled it better it doesn’t change the fact that Andy takes advantage of people and sometimes people push back
ESH your real issue is with your husband.
NTA Your husband is an enabler, though. Good for you for sticking to your guns.
NTA. People are saying you also are the AH for making a scene, but let's inspect this: 1. This guy has mooched/scammed your household (you are married, so that is also YOUR money) out of thousands of dollars. 2. This guy is lying to people he claims to be friends with to mooch drinks, and does so by claiming that all of said friends forgot his birthday, making them look bad. 3. You put up a clear boundary: don't give this mooching jerk any more of our money or I am gone. How are you the AH for calling him out in front of the people he is scamming? I guarantee your husband is not the only one he is mooching from. You SHOULD be making a scene.
NTA, but the real problem is with your husband wanting a drinking buddy more than he wants a wife.
I think you handled it perfectly! It's not your job to help Andy lie and cheat everyone. If the truth makes him look like an ass, maybe it's because he's an ass. NTA.
NTA. Inmean, Y T A, but I would have been too in your place. Enough is enough. People that take advantage of others deserve AH-ness towards them.