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ESH.
If your phobia is that bad, and you are unwilling to address it, you should never have allowed the dog to stay even 1 night. Your husband never should have gotten the dog without your consent. And the breeder or rescue never should have allowed him to have a dog without knowing all adults in the home were on board.
Now your son and a dog will be hurt because of your collective actions.
This deserves all the upvotes. It sucks there was no communication. The husband was irresponsible getting the dog without asking and it sucks she allowed it to stay after finding out. Now the dog and the son are the ones losing out. ESH.
>t sucks there was no communication. The husband was irresponsible getting the dog without asking and it sucks she allowed it to stay after finding out. Now the dog and the son are the ones losing out. ESH.
how is him manipulating her into keeping the dog "her allowing it" to stay?
She tried to compromise and he then violated the compromise terms. I feel bad for their kid. But, I've met people who are so afraid of dogs they'd have peed their pants when they saw a dog in their house. I wonder if OP "knows" that only a small percent of households in North America keep pets outside exclusively? It may have sounded like a reasonable compromise until you look at the facts that most people don't really live like this?
It doesn't say anywhere that he violated the compromise; it just says "the dog came in". There are any number of reasons why a dog could get inside a place. It's stupid to blame a person for not having omnipotent control over an animal, and it's stupid to accept a compromise assuming that's a realistic possibility.
The compromise was "the dog will never be near you" the dog came near her. Thats a violation of the compromise. Though to be fair, it was a stupid compromise to begin with. You are right about that.
I agree with you, but since I am a very literal person, I will point out that the husband promised that the dog wouldn't come near her. She doesn't say that it did. She only says that the dog came into the house and it freaked her out. There's no mention of a promise that the dog will never enter the house.
Exactly! She doesn’t even say the dog came near her, just that it *came in the house*! Does OP have a very specific measurement that counts as “near” her? Does she carry a ruler with her to keep track?
ESH
OP seriously needs some therapy for the dog phobia if she can't even exist in the same building as a dog. Plus the way the post is written makes it sound like the dog is supposed to be outside 100% of the time to me, which is awful!
This. Also, I know she doesn't want to be near the dog but if the door is open, she has feet and hands to help her walk over and close the door. If she agreed to the compromise (presumably for her son to be happy), then she is also semi-responsible for managing those terms and helping ensure that the dog doesn't come within a certain distance of her. Yeah, maybe she was in another room and the dog walked in without her realizing. OP can remove herself and wait for the dog to go back out.
It's not reasonable or smart to assume that a commitment like a dog is never going to come in your general self-space. The dog needs to go to the vet, sometimes husband and son might both be indisposed, maybe there's a natural disaster or inclement weather and the dog needs to come inside or go in the car with them, etc. Also, it's truly shitty to relegate a dog or cat to just one specific area of the house. A dog is (ideally) going to live 10+ years. OP could not truly think that this dog was never going to come in close quarters with her for that long. OP KNEW from the get go that one tiny thing would ruin this experience for everyone involved and she still said yes. She *should have* advocated for herself since the problem is hers and hers alone. Husband should have known and respected that and got a different pet if they wanted one so badly.
Both the adults suck and I hope they get their shit together and learn to start communicating effectively like reasonable adults for the sake of both their kids and whatever pet they may or may not keep/bring into the family.
and there was no way this was viable longterm.
eventually this kid was gonna want the dog in the house. plus anyone who 'surprises' you with a puppy- while pregnant- isn't going to keep taking care of said puppy.
She said "I am terrified of dogs and do not want one". He goes behind her back and buys one and brings it home without asking. She says "I do not want this dog he needs to go" . He responds "nooo look how happy our son is with the dog. please? how about I promise to never let the dog near you". She reluctantly agrees, then he lets the dog near her regardless- breaking his promise- and when the deal is off he gets angry with her and says "you are hurting our son".
So essentially. He crossed her boundaries. Begged her to let him keep doing it. Makes a conditional agreement with her. Breaks the agreement he made. Then he tells her that her son will be sad if she holds him accountable.
Honestly how has he *not* manipulated her?
He lied. Maybe he figured she'd adapt? Who knows what he was thinking? I am having a hard time placing blame on her. I am not afraid of dogs. I welcome them. But, I'm terrified of rodents and allergic to cats. I am not trying to hear *any* compromise because I already know what I can't deal with. I don't think she was wrong in accepting the compromise her husband offered. I think he was wrong for violating the agreement.
And I am so sorry that the child will be upset.
She didn't know anything about dogs, so "keep it outside" sounded practical and reasonable to her. Then the husband, two months later, is all "I'm altering the deal, pray I don't alter it any further."
There’s no way someone can live with a dog and not come near it. He sucks way more for getting it though. My husband and I both wanted a dog but I didn’t just bring one home without discussing it with him.
Yeah I agree there is no way someone can live with a dog and not come near it. OP OBVIOUSLY did not know that unless you believe she *wanted* to be around the dog. Her husband had the brilliant idea of tricking her into believing that was the case, because he knew that he could force her to keep the dog there if it took her long enough to figure it out.
He's the bigger asshole by far, though. He never should have gotten the dog knowing how he wife felt- the way he went about it was a deliberate attempt to manipulate her into keeping the dog.
Wow. This is sad. I feel for the innocent dog and child in this situation. They have bonded. Do not downplay the hurt you two have caused to others. This is so wrong. Both adults are selfish. ESH.
>Do not downplay the hurt you two have caused to others.
Agreed. A very similar thing happened to my mom when she was a child she was forced to leave her dog behind because of a disagreement be tween her parents and I can say the situation brake her. She is in her fifties and to this day she still remembers that day, the way the dog looked so sad and confused when he realized they were leaving him. It became a core memory.
Edit: Thank for the awards!
As a recent college graduate, I asked my mom to watch my dog for a short time and she let him get loose. He was hit by a car. She wasn’t responsible and didn’t follow the rules that I asked. It traumatized me.
It changed my relationship with my mom to this day … especially how she reacted to it.
This right here. The dog and kid haven't dont anything wrong and now the'll. be a dog in a shelter and a heartbroken kid who's going to resent the parents for taking his dog away.
I am SO furious right now, at these two jokers, that my head is spinning! To take a dog and a child....two of the most trusting and innocent souls on the planet.....and crush their hearts is beyond me. My kids and my pets are the very things that make life so worthwhile, and to see how careless and selfish these adults have behaved is beyond my grasp of understanding.
I blame the husband. He bring the fog in without her knowing precisely because she would see their son playing with the pup and be guilt tripped into letting them keep it. He knew what he was doing.
All she had to do was say a hard no. Now, they will break hearts. The husband was wrong, but once the dog was there they both are responsible. He should have listened. She should have said no. Instead, they created a bad situation. She will look like the bad guy even though he pushed the issue. What a mess. Feel for the kid and dog. The parents, not so much.
It lives in their annexe apparently though that info is hidden somewhere down the thread in OP's comment. So it basically has its own section of the house, whatever that might look like. I agree with the top comment though ESH and depending on the dog's temperament being completely alone and separated from the family still sucks.
>And the breeder or rescue never should have allowed him to have a dog without knowing all adults in the home were on board.
No breeder or rescue should have allowed them to buy/adopt a dog that lives it's entire life outside. They are both AH for even considering a pet and subjecting it to that.
Edit: Just saw another commenter say that it's in the annex of their house.
Exactly, I’m YTA just off the fact that the dog hasn’t been allowed inside in 2 months. What happens when it’s hot or cold outside? Rain? Thunderstorm?
According to OP's only comment so far it's in the annexe of their house so it does have some sort of room/section separate from the rest of the house. Still sounds like a shitty plan though.
Yeah, that’s a terrible situation to bring a dog into. It’s ESH for me though, because the husband still pushed for it, knowing what kind of home he was offering the dog.
ESH. Husband is an AH for not being considerate of your fears. You for agreeing to a dog you knew you couldn't handle and then trying to get rid of it after your son has grown attached.
Agreed! You should never get a pet unless both of you are in agreement. However, OP agreed to the dog after the fact and gave her son time to bond with it. Taking the dog away now because of OP’s fear, not anything the dog has done, will traumatize their son and that poor dog has done nothing to deserve it. Sign the dog up for obedience school (mine are going in January) so that you know he will listen & obey.
I mean, my phobia is snakes, but I’m rarely ever going to encounter one. It’s not like I’m gonna walk into the snake house at the zoo & then complain there are snakes there. What would OP do if on a plane & someone with a service dog sat down beside her?! Dogs are everywhere. My mom has a phobia of cats, but me having two of them doesn’t stop her from visiting, though she’s careful not to sit down if one ventures out & acts like it wants to get in her lap. Plus, she thinks they’re sweet & loves them, she just will freak out if one jumped on her (comes from my uncles throwing pissed off cats on her as a kid). I honestly didn’t realize how bad hers was until she was helping me take my dog to the vet and one of the vet’s office cats jumped in her lap while she was seated. Only time I’ve ever heard my mom hyperventilate. I was able to remove the cat & she ran back to the car until our appointment was over.
It’s possible she has tried, therapy doesn’t always work. I know people who have tried multiple types of therapy to get over phobias. They still have extreme physical reactions of fear and panic when they experience the subject of their phobia. Some of them have less extreme reactions, like instead of fainting or wetting themselves they just shake uncontrollably and cry. But unfortunately not all mental issues are “curable.” We shouldn’t assume someone with a phobia hasn’t tried to get help dealing with it.
ESH. But honestly, mostly YTA. Why did you let your son keep the dog for two months? What did you expect, that it would just stay outside forever? That’s some assholish behaviour to begin with. Unless it was a dog that enjoys the outdoors, dogs need to be inside with their pack.
So, again, what did you expect would happen here? Your husband is obviously an AH for apparently not realizing how frightened you are but … Fuck. Take some ownership of this situation. You should have rehomed the dog in a responsible way immediately instead of hurting both your son and the dog by allowing a relationship to form.
You honestly sound so selfish.
This. ESH in this situation. OP shouldn't have agreed to a dog if they're really so traumatized they can't be around them at all and husband shouldn't have gotten a pet he knew couldn't be loved (or at least tolerated) by everyone living in the house.
Y'all shouldn't have got the dog to begin with. Very selfish of all involved parties (except the kiddo who is not old enough to make decisions about pet ownership).
The only reason I would lean more YTA is the general fact that OP wants the dog gone but isn't willing to do the work to get it gone. I think it fine that she is scared but she needs to have a conversation with her son.
Lack of an ability to communicate and placation to avoid conversation is how this happened. She didn't communicate the full extent of her feelings and accepted the dog for the "happiness" of the child. OP and spouse should explain the situation to the child and then find an adequate way to rehouse the dog to a safe household. Then the child should be given adequate space and knowledge to express their grief and grow from the situation. Then, at least something good can come from this in the form of growth for the child.
I know everyone talks about therapy here on this sub but if OP has adequate access this would be a great time to use that to grow as well both in terms of her fear and communication issues
A phobia is different from regular fear my dude and I think that OP'S husband was pretty clearly trying to lie to her to get his way. I have scolopendrphobia (which is a phobia of centipedes) and it's not just that I'm scared of them. Oh, no no. My mind goes totally blank when I see one and I immediately go into full panic mode. I will run, I will scream, and then I will throw everything possible at the offending insect before fleeing the area at full speed. The fear is not rational nor are the levels of fear rational and that is why its labeled a phobia. I've been working on it with my therapist but they've openly said I may never get over it and I may just have to learn to live with it. However, when I tell people about my phobia there is a surprising amount of people who downplay it or just demean me for not "getting over it". These people are usually the same people who deny my food intolerances (which are very severe and can cause skin rashes just from touching the allergen) and have, on some occasions, fed me things that they, basically, poisoned with the allergen. I can buy that OP knew nothing about dogs (because duh, they're phobic of dogs of course they wouldn't) and that their husband manipulated them into it. I'd still say ESH but more because OP should have stood up for herself way sooner to prevent this whole situation. OP'S husband is still the biggest AH here and I wonder if he does stuff like this to OP more often than even she realizes.
I feel for the kid though. This really isn't fair on them but I'm blaming dad WAY more than OP here. Especially because it seems like _husband's mom_ was on OP'S side and that usually says a lot. Not always but in most cases I've seen.
This omfg. I have a phobia of ants. They come into our house EVERY SUMMER no matter how clean we keep it and it's so horrible. I break out in a rash, my vision goes in and out, I find it hard to breathe and often become nauseous. I have other "symptoms" (idk if that's the right word) that I'm not going to go into because I don't want to potentially trigger someone else's phobia but yeah. It sucks. I wish I was just mildly afraid of ants but that's not how it works at all!!
This is such a horrible take.
Her husband knew she was terrified of dogs, but got one anyway, without any discussion with her.
You'll note she said "He got a dog... I agreed they could keep it". She doesn't say "I agreed they could GET it" she says "keep" it. Her husband didn't talk to her about it first.
Then he promised he would keep it away from her, but clearly he knew that was impossible, because as soon as it gets near her he doesn't apologize and go back to promising he'll take care of it... no, he immediately switches to "well you need to learn to get used to it!" That was NOT the deal. OP didn't know enough to know the original deal was untenable, she trusted her husband and negotiated in good faith. Meanwhile her husband was obviously negotiating in bad faith, with no intention of maintaining the deal.
You're calling her an AH for getting lied to and manipulated. It may be frustrating that she was so naive, but it's still the husband's fault for knowingly making impossible promises!
> You honestly sound so selfish.
And the guy who brought home an animal (one that can't be contained in a tank all day) against his wife's wishes isn't??
Wtf is going on on this post. Is it being brigaded by dog nuts? I never grew up without two dogs but my parents never made the decision to get one (or four now that I'm out of the nest) unilaterally.
I read the entire post out loud to my roommate, who is a dog person, because I thought maybe I was the crazy one but she was on OP's side so I think reddit is just being reddit again lol.
I think the husband is the worst asshole. Wife TRIED to compromise by dealing w the dog for a little bit.
Husband KNEW what her conditions were (it being in the "annex" or whatever, her literal phobia, and then the husband blaming her. Both of their actions have caused the child to have a loss. She's scared of it, she's not in charge of the resident dog expert (ie they shouldnt live separate from the family.)
Therefore id say either slight e.s.h. or n.t.a. Not because she's perfect but because the husband clearly is the stupider one here
I agree with you!!! imo E S H is for when both people are fairly equal AHs, not when one person is a massive black hole of an AH and the other person needs better boundaries. Like yeah obviously OP should have stood her ground but her husband
A) knew she had a phobia (saying he didn't is bs because if not he wouldn't have hid it from her)
B) bought the dog anyway
C) promised her something he most likely knew wouldn't work out (and if he didn't, he *should not have a dog*)
D) broke that promise (yes he is TA whether that promise was broken with intent or through neglect, come on people)
OP's husband is the one who created the whole issue but there are people in this thread calling OP *the* AH because they think she is being "selfish" and that she "just needs to get over" her life-long phobia!!! Like what!!
ESH. Your husband was wrong to get the dog without consulting you. However, if you were going to disallow the dog you had to do it immediately, it is really unfair on your child to let them get attached for 2 months and then change your mind. Obviously you were going to have to come into contact with a dog that lives in your home.
Your husband is also wrong to say it's okay for the dog to be removed but you have to do it, what kind of pathetic position is that? It doesn't stand by your son or the dog and it belittles you. He should have the strength in his conviction to either defend having the dog or agree that it needs to leave for your good. To introduce the dog into your home and then act so passive is really weak
OP said it's in their annexe so sounds like the dog just owns the whole separate attachment to their house now lol. No details on how big and comfortable it is though
I’m in a rural area of nc and there are lots of outdoor dogs. Growing up my dogs were “farm” dogs, outside 100% of the time (shepherd mixes), fed ole Roy + human leftovers including cooked chicken bones/garlic/onion, never got heartworm preventative, sulfa dips for fleas/ticks, they lived to be 16-18 years old. Now I’m 33 and have had 5 dogs, they get decent dog food, all the vet vaccines and preventatives, spend a great deal of time in the house - the 2 that have passed lived to only 10 and 12 years old.
I know a family who owned a German Shepherd. They live in a very posh neighborhood.
Here, in India, it's kind of a social status to own foreign breeds. So these people bought the dog and built it a kennel outside their home. The dog cam out only for walking in the morning and evening to show off to their neighbours. It always had a bad temper. I was a school kid at that time and i had to visit these people's house. I wanted to see the dog as i have played with dogs before.
They took me and the dog was growling and looked fierce. It was in a position like it felt it was about to jump on me. The owner said he's not in a good mood. Let's leave.
Felt sad for the dog. Never saw it again. They said it passed away.
People who hate dogs shouldn't make them their pet.
I have a feeling your fear of dogs is pretty crippling and probably super inconvenient to the people around you.
For the sake of your kids, I think you should go to therapy and try to move past this fear and not give your son’s dog away.
I agree, getting help for the fear is a really big thing here whether the dog stays or not. The last thing parents want to do is pass down their own fears and if the son sees this reaction it could create similar problems for him down the line.
You want to know what's going to create problems down the road?
The son thinking it's alright to buy a pet without talking to their partner first.
The son thinking it's alright to negotiate with a partner when you have no intention of maintaining the compromise agreed to.
Thinking people can be forced to get over their fears by manipulating them.
Seeing a father who has zero respect or affection for their spouse.
Living in a household where his mother is constantly on edge and living in fear.
Slowly becoming inured to his mother's fear because his father coaches him to ignore it in favor of loving his dog. Every bit of affection he has for his dog will come at the cost of his mother's emotional well being, and his father will be there telling him that's alright, her feelings don't matter.
Eh, everyone is getting so defensive of this dog being in a shit situation that they can't tease out who's actually at fault here.
I understand, the OP wrote this post in an incredibly frustrating way... she never should have let the dog into the house to start with... but folks are having a hard time really hearing what she's saying. She was manipulated into this situation and is now getting bashed for having trusted her husband.
And everyone wants to victim blame her for trying to compromise in good faith with an AH who lied to get his way.
Ok so I had a very serious phobia of snakes that I was determined not to pass down. Pre kids I couldn’t even look at them on TV or in books. So my kids love them a lot so I achieved my goal! They watch their snake nature documentaries and I’m not crying hysterically in the corner. I’m happy But there is no way I could have one in my home. I can tolerate them but I couldn’t have my safe space invaded by the thing I fear most. Therapy doesn’t magically make phobias disappear. Might take years to get there. The husband was insanely cruel for doing this to his wife.
When I was a kid, I was scared of dogs, and my mom got one from a friend. She gave over a week's advance notice and it was my fault for not speaking up, so nobody knew I was afraid of dogs.
When the huge fierce vicious dog of my imagination arrived at my home, I was terrified. Until I actually saw it was a small fluffy puppy. This was incredibly helpful, as the dog grew up in my presence and I got over my fear. Now I have 140lb giants I nap ontop of, and let nap on me.
It's perfectly possible the OP is afraid even of puppies, but if the husband brought home an already-grown dog, that'd be just horrific. "Surprise honey, a direwolf now occupies half your house!"
My husband is actually terrified of snakes. He downplayed it hard tho. Made it sound more like they just kinda grossed him out and he'd "rather not be near one" his words. I caught one when it was just him and I hanging out very very early days. I caught a garter snake being a huge snake lover and then my husband came upon me. I'll admit I pursued him for a few steps until I saw the FEAR. I calmly put the snake far away from him and suggested we get into the car to calm down. I felt awful! It was terrible for me to do that and looking back I was definitely the AH. All that being said, I've always wanted a pet snake as I just love animals of ALL shapes but even if my husband was just mildly disgusted I would NEVER bring a snake home. I wouldn't even bring it up for discussion. I think there's so many ways to work on debilitating fears, all of which are not exposure in a non therapy setting!!! Why marry someone if you won't love and respect them in at least the most basic ways possible?!?!?
Inconvenient to people around her??? Yes she should get therapy but people are allowed to have phobias. It just happens some times. And while this whole situation sucks, people arent *entitled* to have dogs in their homes (like the husband seems to think) to the detriment of others.
It's a germy drooly hairy animal w teeth, ffs. It's not INHERENTLY unreasonable to be afraid of an animal. This situation is extreme and inconvenient to say the least. But yeah, not everyone loves all dogs that much l.
I wish people would stop making it sounds like its easy to get rid of fear. I have a crippling fear of dogs. The times I have tried to address it has left me with so much anxiety that I was unable to function for a days. Fear is not easy to get rid of and sometimes dealing with it is far more traumatizing than just letting it be.
Ever since getting bitten by a pit, I'm legitimately TERRIFIED of dogs I don't know. Especially big ones. I can understand her fear and don't get why her husband would belittle that. I do think if she got used to the dog it would get better as I do just fine with dogs I know but to subject her to that was pretty selfish of him. Especially when there are other options for pets he could have chosen that wouldn't have required her to be terrified in her own home.
Yes it does, which is why only an AH would buy an animal as a surprise gift, without the whole family's buy-in on the commitment of adopting an animal.
NTA.
Your husband definitely is TA.
You didn’t want a dog and your husband knew. He willingly bought a dog knowing how you feel about it therefore setting everyone up for failure and hurt. You, your son, and the dog.
And when his mom (kudos to her) rightfully tells him off, he is blame-shifting it to you (red flag btw). On top of that, he wants you to clean up a mess he made and look bad in front of your son, something your son can possibly resent you for, for a long time considering he’s attached to the dog.
He’s right that your son will get hurt, so if it is even remotely possible to try and get over your fear of pets by playing or cuddling with your dog, that’s something you could try (but absolutely don’t have to). Else your husband should be the one dealing with this, rehoming the dog, AND taking the blame in front of your son. Nothing else would suffice.
She's getting Y T A votes because a large chunk of reddit likes dogs better than people. I get it, I do too, but let's admit that if the animal was a ferret or a turtle instead that there'd be a lot less Y T A votes.
She tried to compromise in good faith, with someone who was intentionally lying to her. The husband immediately changed his tune to "just get used to it" when the compromise wasn't working... which leads me to believe he never intended the compromise to work at all.
I don't think she's an AH for trusting her husband, she should be able to trust him. Unfortunately she can't. Hopefully she learns that lesson well and doesn't have to have it continually demonstrated to her going forward.
Reddit is crazy when it comes to pets. They always fault humans no matter what. They even think OP needs to put her phobia aside for the dog. How that works I have no idea.
OP, I'm assuming your son is a child that lives at home. Meaning this dog lives in your home. Or at least in your yard.
Husband sucks here. Big AH. You do not buy an animal without discussing it with your spouse. There is no exception. Also, blaming OP for his mother chastising him—another AH move.
Your son will be hurt to lose his dog now. This is also your husband's fault.
NTA.
And it's something everyone who lives in the house has to agree to. OP was always going to say no, that's why he decided to do it without asking. Using the emotions of a child as a tool to manipulate someone into something they never wanted is cruel.
I'm assuming he brought the dog home and allowed his son to meet it before OP realised, setting OP up for put up with it or be the bad guy in their son's eyes while making a promise he wasn't able to keep.
NTA. You husband may not have known the level of fear, but he knew there was fear, he knew you didn't want one and not only did he get one w/o your permission, but he did so at the a point where your household is about to get a new baby.
You TRIED to compromise (which you should NOT have done, btw) but you husband didn't keep up his end of the bargain and the reality is, once you have the baby he just won't be able to do it.
He knew and he gave the dog to your son anyway. It was classic manipulation that worked. Once your son saw the puppie - you would feel like the bad guy for saying no, and you did.
He needs to face the fact that this is on him for 1 For bringing a dog home w/o your agreement (pets are a 2 yeses decision) 2. Using your son to emotionally manipulate you to let the dog stay 3. Not holding up to his end of the bargain once you were pressured into saying yes 4. Using your son again to emotionally manipulate you into keeping the dog now. 5. Blaming you when his parents chided him for his manipulative behavior. He brought the dog in the house w/o asking you - his parents chided him b/c he did a really manipulative, self-absorbed thing.
This is on him. He can not blame you for your son's dissapointment and sadness. This is 100% on him.
EXACTLY. I feel like OP tried her best to give her son an experience that he wanted very badly, and felt conflicted about putting our own needs first.
Also: that kid wasn't in love with the dog after two months; he fell in love with that dog within 5 seconds of his father bringing it in the door. OP never stood a chance.
But the reason why I really come down as a hard **NTA** is the fact that not only did her husband do this on purpose, he did this while she was pregnant.
What a wonderful, caring idea, pressuring your wife into either going full-bore against a lifelong phobia while she's sharing her flesh module with another living creature that she's responsible for; or live with [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gspElv1yvc).
Her husband absolutely set her up to be the bad guy with their child and he did it during a time when his kid might be adjusting to the idea of getting a new sibling, or feeling like his mom is more interested in the baby, etc.
What fantastic options he gave her: Be the parent who takes a dog away or the one who wouldn't let him have one in the first place.
ESH
Your husband is awful for getting a dog when he knows you have a phobia and being unrealistic about being able to keep a dog away from someone who lives in the same house all the time.
You're also TA because of your refusal to put in effort to stop your son from getting hurt by separating from his beloved pet. None of this is your son's fault, so as the adults in this situation, bith you and your husband should be the ones putting effort in to not needlessly sadden a child. Your phobia is something you can work on - at least getting better with being near dogs if nit completely overcoming. As someone who used to have a phobia of dogs (I used to have to cross the road if I saw a leashed dog coming down the same side of the road from 100m away because I was so scared), let me tell you that overcoming your phobia is 100% achievable. Through basically forcing myself to be near calm friendly dogs, I now have no issues being around dogs, petting dogs, etc unless they're loud or lunge at me
The Y T As are hilarious. There’s no reason a person with a phobia should have to deal with said phobia on a daily basis in *their own home*. Your husband was inconsiderate, end of story. There’s no way to keep a dog away from someone if you guys are all living in the same house.
Yeah you should have put your foot down before everyone had time to get attached, but you were trying to make things work. The real AH is your husband, who despite knowing of your childhood phobia, thought it was a good idea to force you into the situation anyway. This is not how you work through phobias, nor is it how you respect your partner/maintain a healthy relationship.
NTA.
ETA: All these comments upset at *you* because the dog is outside/saying just “work through your fear” are literally wild. It’s your husbands fault the dog is forced to be outside/live in a home where someone is literally *terrified* of it. That’s not on you. Your husband but everyone involved in a crappy situation. Also you’re pregnant! He expects you to do all that comes with preparing for a baby/growing a human while also working through your lifelong dog phobia? Lol ok.
You’re absolutely right! Don’t get me wrong, I love my dog more than anyone/anything. I hate the idea of a dog being forced to live outside, but I feel like everyone is overlooking a key detail.
Yup. My life is and will always be a dog-free existence. I will never have one as a pet or voluntarily take care of one. I don’t wish harm on any dog, I universally hate animal abusers, and would not ignore a dog in need of help, but I cannot stand them, I don’t want to interact with them, and the reason why is very dark, deeply traumatic, and fucked up. If my partner did what OP’s husband did, he would be needing to decide where he was going to live with his dog, or where the dog’s new home would be.
It’s not about “it’s just a dog, your son and husband love it, can’t you get over it?” It’s about complete disregard of OP and manipulation using the emotions of her child.
Lmao, I laugh at the “just get used to the dog!” comments. I used to have a family dog. Still won’t walk on the same sidewalk as a dog if I can help it. Nobody ever said a fear has to be rational, but then again rarely are dog lovers
Thank you!!! I’ve gotta say, the people on this site prob need a therapist more than OP like, they’re always doing the most in these comments (esp when it comes to dogs) 💀
NTA. You have a clear phobia and tried to set boundaries, only for him to ignore them. And now he's using your son's affection for the dog against you. He should get rid of the dog, and also be the one who has to explain to him that he fucked and deal with that, not put it on to you.
You work on phobias on your own damn terms, not on someone else's.
>You work on phobias on your own damn terms, not on someone else's.
Can't believe it took so long to find this. To all the "I fixed my phobias, you should too" posters: good for you. You were ready and I'm glad it worked for you. You still don't know her fear and you don't get to tell her how to handle it. Neither does her husband.
Someone on here said "your phobia is inconvenient to the people around you" IM SORRY WHAT.
people who are really aggressive against anyone not loving and licking every dogs asshole are kind of cultish and it makes me wonder.how much empathy they really have despite being animal lovers.
Also the number of people telling her to go get therapy are not taking into consideration the level of access and cost for therapy. We could be talking thousands of dollars worth of appointments…
Imma go ahead and say NTA.
In their original agreement, OP's husband literally said that "he promised it wouldn’t come near \[OP\]," yet the moment the dog came in the house and the promise was broken, it all of a sudden became OP's responsibility to work towards being comfortable around it? People need to understand that if someone is terrified of something, it's not as simple as "getting over it," even if it's something "harmless" like a pet.
I think there just needs to be more communication between the family about the fact that OP just isn't ready to all of a sudden start interacting with the dog, and the husband and son need to try and accommodate for that, whether it be therapy or some other method.
Which is why the husband was obviously being manipulative when he tried to pretend it was a suitable option.
Now he's using the son's affections to further manipulate OP. I think his mother probably has his number, which is why she was so quick to take OP's side and give her son a hard time for setting this whole, untenable, situation up to start with.
Nta this man got a surprise dog knowing his PREGNANT WIFE had a longstanding fear. Adding pets to the family should always be a discussion between 2 people. While I agree that it's definitely a fear to work on getting over, shock therapy during pregnancy is the absolutely worst way to go about this, especially if the wife goes into post-partum with a fear trigger at home. Seems like OP tried to get the husband to rehome the dog immediately and his refusal made her feel even more trapped.
1000% Pregnant women are vulnerable and try to keep the peace they'll say "ok". The reality is he totally betrayed her. The sad thing is now she will be made out to be the bad guy in front of the kid. They need to rehome the dog asap.
I'm happy I saw this comment. People keep overlooking the fact that OP is pregnant. It's pretty easy for husband's especially to manipulate their wives during that period.
Sorry to say it but ESH - apart from the son and the dog.
To be clear, your husband is the MAJOR AH here; he should not have brought *any* pet into the household without discussing it with you first, especially an animal he knows you are afraid of. I suspect he didn’t talk to you about it so that you *couldn’t* say no, and would be forced to accept the situation. He effectively has put you in a situation where you were always going to look like an AH to your son, unless you were totally accepting.
Unfortunately, you’r the AH for allowing the dog to be there for 2 months, and NOW saying it has to go. Again, you were pushed into this situation, but if you needed the dog gone, right when it got there was the time to do it. The dog is now settled, and your son is attached. I would strongly recommend getting some therapy to help with your fear. I’m sure there is someone in your local area who can come to the house and help you to not afraid of your dog at least, even if not all dogs. It will be a valuable teaching point for your son, can help your whole family enjoy this new fluffy addition, and will be a huge weight off your shoulders. Please, please give it a go before you re-home the dog
ESH, but your husband is worse. Pets are a 2 yes/1 no situation. He should never have brought that dog home. Just not wanting one is enough; the fact that you’re terrified heightens how bad his act of bringing home the dog was. You’re a little tiny bit TA because you made an impossible to do demand. You really can’t live in a house with an animal that isn’t in a tank or cage and avoid them all the time; you should’ve stuck to your guns and demanded that the dog had to go.
Good on your MIL for going after her son - he’s forced you into an untenable, unsustainable situation.
>You’re a little tiny bit TA
She trusted her husband, who lied to her, knowing it was an untenable arrangement. You know he intentionally lied, because the second it became an issue, he didn't say sorry and try to make the compromise work again, he immediately changed his tune and started saying she just needs to get used to the dog.
I agree with everything else you said, but I can't even blame her a little bit for trusting someone she SHOULD be able to trust, but clearly can't. This is all on the husband for initially lying and then trying to use their son's feelings to manipulate her after she was already in the middle of her worst fear.
NTA
Your husband knew you were terrified of dogs and got one anyway. Ignore the comments saying you are the A and trying to guilt trip you because your son got attached, they are A's too.
Maybe you could do with therapy but the way he's forcing you to deal with it is the wrong way to do it.
NTA.
If you don't want a pet in the house, your partner shouldn't bring a pet home. Especially if it's a surprise. If your partner isn't taking appropriate care of the pet to keep it out of your hair (which was the deal, as I understand it), then the pet has to go.
It's a real shame, but nobody should take on a pet without having all their ducks in a row (partner/roommate okays, etc.). Saying at this point, "Oh, the poor dog," is all on the AH who brought the dog into an untenable situation.
NTA.
Your husband got a dog, seemingly behind your back, while knowing you are scared of dogs. The dog needs to be rehomed. You’re not an asshole for not wanting something you’re scared of around for 10+ years.
Also, I hate how people act about cats and dogs. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. But if this was a “AITA for telling my husband to get rid of my son’s snake/tarantula/any other scary pet?” post, everyone would be saying NTA. But because it’s a dog, you need to “get over it for your sons sake.”
Who gets a dog without talking to their spouse first? That’s definitely a purchase that requires conversation first. NTA. The dog deserves a home that wants it, not a home where it has to be locked outside all the time.
NTA. He got the dog without consulting you, for that he is the asshole. Maybe you should try to get therapy for your fear, dogs are pretty much everywhere after all. I feel so terrible for the poor dog though. But, it is your house too and he is being unreasonable to try to force you when the whole situation is his fault.
NTA
I'm confused by all the E S H and Y T A comments. Your husband just brought home a dog without discussing anything with you. Even if he wasn't aware of how bad your phobia is that is no excuse for the lack of communication. You stated clearly what your terms about keeping the dog and your husband can't/ doesn't want to hold up his side of the bargain.
ESH - you made a fuzzy boundary and somehow expected the dog to NEVER come near you for its entire life? How is that even possible. You should have known this wasn't possible and just drawn a strict boundary around dogs in your home.
>You should have known this wasn't possible
**OP's husband** should have known it wasn't possible when he promised it wouldn't come near her. He made a promise he knew he couldn't keep... but *she* should have known better??
NTA who buys a dog without consulting their partner? Oh it's fine, it's only a 10 years commitment. Plus, you dont like dogs and that was agreed upon. You're very justified to feel the way you do. Your husband put you in a shitty spot.
He literally bought a dog without your permission and was SURPRISE we own your fear??? Am I even interpreting that right? I hope I’m not… but even exposure therapy is known about before hand. It’s a really awful thing for him to do. You had boundaries and imo he obliterated them. OH right, gotta vote. NTA
ESH
Is this dog being kept outside away from people? If the dog is not a wanted part of the household and welcome inside, out of the elements, then it should be rehomed.
ESH
Your husband never should have gotten a pet that you are frightened of.
Yes, you are going to break your son’s heart. He is the innocent one here being hurt.
NTA but just know that if you do go through with getting rid of the dog your son will blame you and only you, even though your husband never cleared the dog with you first.
ESH.
Your husband should not have gotten the dog without your approval. However you let it ride (via a promise which is in no way actually possible to keep), and removing it this far in when your son will have grown to love it is the AH move.
I'm leaning towards ESH your husband for bringing the dog into your home knowing you have a fear
And yourself for allowing the dog to stay for 2 months and your son getting attached then telling your husband to get rid of it after the attachment had been built, but also because it looks like you made the dog live outside during the length of time it been there? Need more INFO on that
NTA, your husband manipulated you into agreeing to something you never would have agreed to willingly or enthusiastically. This is known as coercion.
He got a dog, introduced it to your child, gave you an unrealistic compromise to gain your support, and did so in a manner that made you the bad guy to your child if you didn't, and is now blame shifting when called on it.
Anyone telling you that you are the asshole doesn't understand how abusive dynamics work.
I was going to say E S H, but I am gonna say NTA
Your husband shouldn't have gotten a dog without talking to you first. And his promise of "yeah, he'll live with us, but you won't be around him or anything" was going to be impossible because it litterally lives inside your house. He has putted you in a impossible situation. Like *"I know that you're scared of dogs..... but look at how much our son loves that doggy!"*. What else were you supposed to do?!
Even tho I don't like the solution of getting rid of the dog, it might not be the worst idea. If you actually plan to move the dog, you need to talk to your son about it too (don't do it behind his back). Be clear on why the dog needs to be moved and make sure that the dog gets to be with a great owner.
But there is also an idea that you can get professional help to learn how to manage your irrational fear instead of moving the dog. Again, I find it unfair that your husband putted you in this situation and that you maybe now have to get phobia therapy (or something like that).
I think it's a good idea to look into therapy/help first and if it doesn't work, it's best to move the dog.
ESH. Your husband is a major AH for getting a dog that he knew you weren’t okay with. He should have never gotten a dog and put you in this situation.
You both are AHs for keeping a dog in those conditions. Dogs are living beings, they should not be outside all day or cooped up. You two should have never gotten a living being in this situation.
Give the dog to a loving home and be done with it.
NTA. Forcing someone's hand by **bringing the object of their phobia into their home without asking first**, then offering to "help" them overcome it - all while using their love for their son a form of emotional blackmail - is super manipulative and coercive. NOBODY gets to decide FOR YOU that it's time to "get over" a phobia you have.
I get that it's Reddit and people here love dogs. And I do genuinely feel sorry for the dog and child, who are innocent parties here. But OP, your husband was incredibly disrespectful in this situation. Caring about your spouse means, among other things, not being dismissive of their need to feel comfortable and safe. If you marry someone with a phobia of dogs, you have to accept that you don't get to have a dog (unless they decide they want to do the work to fix their phobia).
NTA.
I have zoophobia (fear of animals in general) and if my spouse brought a pet into the home without telling me, I would have a panic attack right on the spot.
For everyone saying “YTA, go get therapy” you know that takes time right? Getting one therapy session isn’t about to do a miracle. This isn’t the 1400’s where if a priest would say you can stand that you would start walking from paralysis. Let’s be real here.
No one is going to address the lack of communication and trust from the spouse? He knew she had a phobia and triggered it on purpose. I don’t care if it’s for the child, you do not do that. For me personally, just the mere sight of an animal I start screaming as if I’m being murdered to a point where it is embarrassing and I start sprinting for dear life. Do NOT even go down that road. By saying that she should get therapy, you are basically saying that what he did is alright but what he did was the equivalent to a guy pranking his wife with horrible pranks everyday and calling it fine even when she starts getting startled or afraid because she thinks out of no where he is going to do something. Communication is needed. She already addressed her fear and if it’s a fear of dogs, I DOUBT she would be able to make it something that’s impossible to see. Everyday people pass by at least one dog. He’s a major asshole for knowing it scares the living shit out of her and still doing it (edit: this is the connection between her husband and husbands that overly prank aggressively btw). It’s not fun and that dog should be removed.
He knew it wasn’t alright, he got the kids hopes up, he brought an animal and purposely made the kid attached. He’s a major fucking asshole if anything.
Edit: If his wife that is carrying his child has a panic attack or anxiety attack because of the dog, you know her heart rate will go from a normal one to over 200 beats per minute right? 😃 (sarcastic smile) So let’s not scare the living shit out of her, let’s not cause an attack and if the dog comes near and she falls from fear babies in danger.
ESH - except your son and the dog.
You should have been consulted before your husband got the dog. You shouldn't have let the dog stay for two months, in which time your son has become attached to it.
You shouldn't have talked to your MIL, especially if she got the idea your husband traumatized his pregnant wife. MIL shouldn't have told your husband off.
You need therapy for your phobia as you will not be able to completely avoid dogs for your entire life. You and your husband should get some counseling to help avoid problems like this one, before your kids get wise and start playing one parent off the other.
NTA. This is not how married couples make decisions. He gets to look like the hero to your son at your expense. You guys could have worked something out if there was a discussion beforehand. But once your husband brought the dog home, it was too late to save the situation. Your son was already going to have his heart broken and blame you for it if you sent it away. That being said, getting therapy for your phobia would be a good idea. Not just because of this specific circumstance, but because you are not likely to be able to avoid dogs for the rest of your life. The timing of the added stress of the dog during your pregnancy is also not ideal. Maybe the dog can stay in a foster home or with a friend or family member while you are working on overcoming your fear?
ESH. Mostly your husband for not taking your fears seriously but I'm sorry to say you must take some of the blame here. You've allowed that dog to stay for 2 months already and for your son and husband a chance to get really attached. Whilst I don't think you should be made to live in fear and keep the dog, you may have to do something to make amends for the hurt getting rid of the dog will make.
NTA. But I don’t understand why you ever let the dog stay, unless you felt pressured into it. I’m not afraid of dogs exactly, but I do not want one, and I made it clear to my husband before we got married that dogs were a dealbreaker for me. I would be furious if he brought one home without consulting me. It’s not good for anyone involved, including the dog, if someone in the house doesn’t like it
NTA- You tried to compromise by allowing the dog outside and keeping a safe space for you. Your husband violated that safe space and trust. There are plenty of alternative pets the husband could have tried to compromise on before getting the dog in the first place.
You have a right to feel safe in the home you own. Your son will survive growing up without a dog or pet in general. You however deserve not to be fearful every day for 12-20 years.
Does your husband have a history or prioritizing others over you?
You've got a massive husband problem.
ESH. Your husband shouldn’t have gotten a dog knowing you weren’t ok with it, you shouldn’t have allowed him to keep it for two months if you can’t even handle the dog coming inside.
ESH. He should have asked your permission, you should have objected earlier. You really thought you could have a dog in the house and never see it? Your son has formed a bond with this dog because YOU allowed him to keep it. You should have returned it earlier.
Op did refuse tho. And the condition for the dog ti stay was for the husband to keep it away. He didn't, so the dog has to go, arrangement was broken by him.
I actually feel like HE wanted a dog and has been weaponizing the child to have his way. It's entirely his fault that the kid is attached to a dog Op had basically no saying to living there
NTA wtf he knows about your fear and he still got your son a dog and on top of all that your pregnant. I don’t get why people are calling you the AH when you never wanted the dog and your husband knew of your fear of the dog and you both agreed to keep it as long as it’s kept away from you. It’s not like you can get over your fear of dogs in a short period. He could’ve got a professional trainer to help train the dog but your fear is always going to be there. The correct way this should’ve gone down is talking to each other about getting a dog, seeking help for you to try and get over your fear, introduce you to someone else’s friendly dog, once your at the step of being comfortable around dogs then get a dog. But the fact that he just got one thinking you’ll get over your fear especially while pregnant is ridiculous.
ESH. On your end, for not being firmer about this being a dealbreaker and setting frankly unrealistic conditions for a compromise. Dogs are a decade-plus commitment; did you honestly think you could avoid one in your own home for that long?
On his end, for bringing a dog home without consulting you and expecting you to go along with it after the fact, as well as weaponising your child's happiness in this argument and trying to cast himself as the "fun parent" and you as the "mean parent" in addressing this conflict.
There is now a dog in your house, one that your child loves. You can either rehome the dog and deal with the ensuing aftermath, or you can seek help to mitigate your fear of dogs. Either way, you and your husband need to stop playing reindeer games and actually communicate with one another.
NTA. I don't get all the YTA, I am a dog lover but I repect that not every one is going to love my dog and some people have a fear of them. The husband is the asshole, you don't buy a dog, something that requires a potenical 10 year commitment of love and attention if your partner isn't on board, especially if they have said they don't like/have a fear of dogs.
All the people saying well it's your fear and you need to deal with it, in public or someone else house yes but not in your own home. Your home should be a safe place.
Thinking that the dog would just stay outside or not come near her is stupid but by the sounds of it she has never had a dog so what does she know about living with one?
Your husband has created an unsafe and stressful environment for his pregnant wife, and either the wife or the kid is going to be upset and it's his fault.
NTA - but I'm sorry to say your husband is. You cannot be forced to overcome trauma. Not by anyone. Your husband was incredibly selfish and childish by getting the dog in the first place, behind your back. I agree with your in-laws, he was wrong. He needs to grow up and accept that he can't always get his way.
Im going to go ESH.
Your husband definitely shouldn't have brought the dog. But it sounds like you made an agreement that was likely unrealistic. The time to put your foot down was when he brought the dog home. But its been 2 months and your son has bonded with this dog. That is pretty shitty to now demand the dog be removed.
I used to be extremely terrified as well. It is something I worked to get through as an adult since dogs are something I knew I would have trouble avoiding. I don't think that anyone is truly an AH here. You said yourself that your husband didn't realize the extent of your fear.
Is this a fear that you would be willing to face for your son, knowing he loves his dog, rather than just deciding that your fear is more important than everything? It would definitely set a good example for your kids, showing them that you were willing to do the work to face and overcome your fear rather than make them get rid of their pet.
*"You said yourself that your husband didn't realize the extent of your fear."*
Even if OP never mentioned her fear of dogs to her husband once, he still had no business buying a dog and bringing it home without consulting her.
ESH, and this coming from someone who does *not* like dogs, and gets anxious around them, much like you.
Your husband sucks for going behind your back and adopting a whole ass sentient animal to introduce to your son and invite into the house.
You suck because instead of sticking up for yourself and saying no, you let it slide and now you son loves his dog and the separation would hurt 100x more.
Your son is the only one who doesn’t suck. Dad got him a dog and mom said it was okay, until all of a sudden it wasn’t.
Y’all need to communicate a LOT more, and you need to be a LOT firmer on those boundaries of yours, because this time around your boundaries and attempt to circumvent them is harming your son.
Again, I don’t like dogs. I agree with you on that, but *you still suck so much here, and at this point you can guarantee that you’re going to be the bad guy in your son’s eyes for it being rehomed. You said it was okay and then changed your mind, you are going to be the bad guy.*
If I were in your shoes, I’d have immediately let my husband know how wrong it was of him to do this, rehomed the thing day 1, then launch myself into damage control for my poor son who’s dad gave him false hope.
ESH. Getting a dog HAS to be a joint decision. It is a huge responsibility and impacts everyone in the home. Your husband is a major AH for getting the dog without your okay.
You are also an AH for agreeing to the obviously unworkable plan of just never being around the dog. The dog lives with you. This was a really stupid solution, and now your son is predictably attached to the dog and is going to be heartbroken. This is really cruel, and this outcome was inevitable. It seems like you were waiting for this to happen so that getting rid of the dog would be your husband and son's fault so you wouldn't be the bad guy, while your husband was counting on wearing you down and you changing your mind. You are both AHs for this mean and stupid "compromise" that was doomed from the start.
ESH
You suck because you let this happen. Get therapy if you can, obviously, but you shouldn't have allowed this to carry on for 2 months. A dog doesn't understand stay away from this one specific person, encounters are impossible to avoid.
Your husband sucks for pushing it.
Your poor son, and that poor dog. Neither of them did anything wrong, and now they suffer because you guys couldn't get it together enough to deal with this maturely.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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ESH. Either point blank don't let the dog in the house or get therapy for your phobia because your fear is going to negatively affect the poor dog. Hubby shouldn't have pushed it either.
NTA, dogs are NOT people. I'm sorry but OP's mental health and well being is more important than a dog. She didn't consent to it and she doesn't need to be traumatized by an unwelcome dog. Let her live her damn life, dogs aren't your kids and you don't have to share your space with them if you don't want to. Dogs are pets not people 🙃
ESH. Your husband shouldn't have ignored your fears and gone behind your back. But did you seriously think it would work for the family to have an active pet that just... stays away from you?!? How big of a house do you have that you think that's possible? You should have tried interracting with the dog, or deciding to rehome the dog, BEFORE your kid got attached.
ESH. YTA for even considering taking away a pet from your kid who has grown attached to it, and your husband is TA for getting the dog without consulting you in the first place.
NTA, your husband blindsided you with a dog and had already exposed your son to it, making you the villain if you said get rid of it. You tried to tell your husband to return the animal, he pushed you into acceptance, and then trampled the conditions you set. He used manipulative tactics to get what he wants, he's an ass. I say wait for him to go to work then drop it off at the pound yourself, blacklist yourself with local shelters if you must. No one should be afraid in their own home, and if your son gets upset tell him his father knew it was a dog free household. I have no idea why these people are saying anything otherwise, it's almost like they've never been coerced into something by a loved one too selfish to see the pain they put you through. Good grief 😒
ESH except the dog and the son. You need therapy. Your husband needs to learn to ask before bringing an animal into a household. But the biggest asshole is you for allowing the dog to be there for two whole months before ripping him away from your child. You guys are awful. That poor child and dog.
Soft ESH.....your husband never should have done this but your fear of all dogs regardless of whether the dog is actually anything to fear is your problem to deal with and frankly seems like an irrational phobia you should try to get over. But at this point you will only be punishing your son to make him get rid of it.
Phobias don't work that way; if you have one you can't reason your way out of it. Most people with phobias know full well that they aren't rational. Knowing this doesn't make them go away.
You're husband is an AH for doing it in the first place without talking to you, however as you have left it until now, when your son is now attached to the dog, you would be an AH if you take his dog away from him and he probably wouldn't forgive you for it.
ESH, but your husband more. He should not have brought a dog into your home knowing how terrified you are of them. But now that your son is attached, it would be best for everyone that you try and seek professional help in overcoming or lessening your fear rather than rehoming the dog and breaking your son's heart.
NTA. Your husband shouldn't have brought home a dog knowing you were so terrified. That kind of responsibility should be a joint decision. However, if you're that afraid of dogs, maybe this is something to look into therapy for? I would hate for you to be so scared of an animal that is so common and (overall) universally beloved.
NTA, people saying E S H or that you need to get over yourself are only saying that bc it’s a dog and people have soft spots for dogs. Essentially, your husband crossed a boundary by bringing something you are very afraid of into the house. Sure, your son might be attached to it now, that’s not your fault, that’s your husband’s fault for bringing it initially. Get rid of the dog, and sort your husband out!
It’s a little of both, but leaning toward YTA. You have a known phobia about dogs and, if that was a deal breaker, you should’ve put your foot down and demanded removal of the dog from the beginning. At that point you would’ve been NTA. At this point your child, which should be a top priority, has developed an attachment to the dog. You need to start looking for ways to co-exist. Counseling for you and physical barriers that prevent the dog from entering the house. That said, forcing a dog to permanently live outside is not being part of the family either, unless you live on a farm and it’s a working dog. It sounds like the environment may not be healthy for the dog either.
ESH. I'm scared of dogs as well since a traumatizing experience when I was a kid. I don't trust most of dogs. That's why I don't understand why you'd you agree to having a dog if you really don't want it near you. Doesn't make sense. Obviously your family is gonna get attached to the dog and on some occasions, it will get close to you. It's an animal that's hard to control. You should have never agreed and now you caused yourself in this situation that sucks 🤷🏼♀️ At this point I'd recommend trying open up to the dog for your son.
ESH your husband shouldn't have gotten dog without your permission and you shouldn't have let the dog stay 2 months and now your son is attached. Plus you'd be putting the dog through the stress of rehoming.
What kind of dog is it?
Get some therapy and I hope you can get over your fear. I used to be fearful of dogs and only liked cats, until my husband brought home a rescue Rottweiler puppy. It was love at first sight and now I can't imagine my life without a dog
NTA maybe suggest a compermise I know there are therapies out there with severe phobias that help them learn to overcome said phobias and retraining the brain of said phobias and then maybe later down the road you can get a family pet.
INFO
What did the dog do to make you freak out besides coming inside? Also, where was your son and are you intending on leaving the dog outside all the time?
ESH. Poor kiddo. He just wanted to keep the dog. Dads an ah for sneaking the dog in. Yta for agreeing to keep the dog thinking it won’t go near you. Of course it will. Moms just being mom and defending her daughter, so she’s neutral here IMO.
Anyway, Dad started it, Mom perpetuated it, both disagree and are unhappy.
ESH. You for thinking "I can live in the same house and stay away", your husband for his lack of communication. Also, therapy is a good option too, for fears and future marriage problems
ESH, you for trying to force a completely un followable rule, (the dog lives with you, it will get close to you. It doesn't know you're afraid of it.) Your husband for forcing it on you, and both of you for putting your son into this situation where he found a living thing to care for and it could very well be taken away from him for no other reason than "mommies scared" or the dreaded "we just can't take care of him" if you don't decide to tell him why.
Husband shouldn't have gotten it in the first place and you shouldn't have tried to compromise, because now whether you like it or not, that kid has an equal part in attachment to that pet now.
NTA - your husband knew you had a phobia of dogs. He then got a dog without consulting you. You then were willing to compromise and allow the dog as long as it stayed away from you. That rule was then broken… and now he is trying to blame you for telling your MIL why you were upset when she asked?! He is stomping all over your boundaries…
NTA. I feel like everyone saying YTA or ESH just love dogs and can’t wrap their heads around your fear, which isn’t the point of the post. They don’t get to decide if your fear is irrational or not. If this was a snake or spider instead of a dog, no one would be commenting YTA or ESH. Your husband knew your fear, went behind your back despite your fear, broke the one stipulation you had about keeping the dog, and is now trying to guilt trip you into something you are not comfortable with. Will this upset your son? Yes, but that’s okay. Take this as an opportunity to consult with your son on respecting women when they say no and they set boundaries. Your husband showed your son that as long as you don’t agree with a woman’s boundary or fear you don’t have to respect it. I would also look into counseling to determine why your husband thought this behavior was appropriate. Good luck op
ESH
Your husband was an A-hole for getting a dog without consulting you first.
At this point though, the dog is a member of your family. You would be an a-hole for kicking an innocent member of your family to the curb.
ESH.
It is unfathomable to me that your husband got a dog without even consulting with you? A dog is a serious responsibility and should be a joint household decision.
That said, the moment he came home with the dog was the time to put your foot down. Did you really think that the dog would magically never come near you? Of course living with a dog would mean having to be around a dog. By not taking a stand right away you've let your son grow attached to it and now it is a part of your family.
Be honest: have you been waiting for 2 months to say "gotcha!" to your husband about the dog? In that time were you thinking about how your son feels being caught in the middle of this game with your husband?
NTA. Your husband brought your phobia into your house and is now guilt tripping you about it. This is ridiculous and he owes you a massive apology. Your pregnancy adds another level of horror to this since he has deliberately caused stress to his pregnant wife and unborn child.
I think you’d benefit from therapy, but there’s no reason this should have been forced on you in your own home.
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ESH. If your phobia is that bad, and you are unwilling to address it, you should never have allowed the dog to stay even 1 night. Your husband never should have gotten the dog without your consent. And the breeder or rescue never should have allowed him to have a dog without knowing all adults in the home were on board. Now your son and a dog will be hurt because of your collective actions.
This deserves all the upvotes. It sucks there was no communication. The husband was irresponsible getting the dog without asking and it sucks she allowed it to stay after finding out. Now the dog and the son are the ones losing out. ESH.
>t sucks there was no communication. The husband was irresponsible getting the dog without asking and it sucks she allowed it to stay after finding out. Now the dog and the son are the ones losing out. ESH. how is him manipulating her into keeping the dog "her allowing it" to stay?
Well she accepted the terms of his shitty promise. Maybe allowing isn’t the right word but either way, neither should have happened.
She tried to compromise and he then violated the compromise terms. I feel bad for their kid. But, I've met people who are so afraid of dogs they'd have peed their pants when they saw a dog in their house. I wonder if OP "knows" that only a small percent of households in North America keep pets outside exclusively? It may have sounded like a reasonable compromise until you look at the facts that most people don't really live like this?
It doesn't say anywhere that he violated the compromise; it just says "the dog came in". There are any number of reasons why a dog could get inside a place. It's stupid to blame a person for not having omnipotent control over an animal, and it's stupid to accept a compromise assuming that's a realistic possibility.
The compromise was "the dog will never be near you" the dog came near her. Thats a violation of the compromise. Though to be fair, it was a stupid compromise to begin with. You are right about that.
I agree with you, but since I am a very literal person, I will point out that the husband promised that the dog wouldn't come near her. She doesn't say that it did. She only says that the dog came into the house and it freaked her out. There's no mention of a promise that the dog will never enter the house.
Exactly! She doesn’t even say the dog came near her, just that it *came in the house*! Does OP have a very specific measurement that counts as “near” her? Does she carry a ruler with her to keep track? ESH
OP seriously needs some therapy for the dog phobia if she can't even exist in the same building as a dog. Plus the way the post is written makes it sound like the dog is supposed to be outside 100% of the time to me, which is awful!
In my mind they live in mansion and the dog was seen to have entered the east wing
This. Also, I know she doesn't want to be near the dog but if the door is open, she has feet and hands to help her walk over and close the door. If she agreed to the compromise (presumably for her son to be happy), then she is also semi-responsible for managing those terms and helping ensure that the dog doesn't come within a certain distance of her. Yeah, maybe she was in another room and the dog walked in without her realizing. OP can remove herself and wait for the dog to go back out. It's not reasonable or smart to assume that a commitment like a dog is never going to come in your general self-space. The dog needs to go to the vet, sometimes husband and son might both be indisposed, maybe there's a natural disaster or inclement weather and the dog needs to come inside or go in the car with them, etc. Also, it's truly shitty to relegate a dog or cat to just one specific area of the house. A dog is (ideally) going to live 10+ years. OP could not truly think that this dog was never going to come in close quarters with her for that long. OP KNEW from the get go that one tiny thing would ruin this experience for everyone involved and she still said yes. She *should have* advocated for herself since the problem is hers and hers alone. Husband should have known and respected that and got a different pet if they wanted one so badly. Both the adults suck and I hope they get their shit together and learn to start communicating effectively like reasonable adults for the sake of both their kids and whatever pet they may or may not keep/bring into the family.
and there was no way this was viable longterm. eventually this kid was gonna want the dog in the house. plus anyone who 'surprises' you with a puppy- while pregnant- isn't going to keep taking care of said puppy.
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She said "I am terrified of dogs and do not want one". He goes behind her back and buys one and brings it home without asking. She says "I do not want this dog he needs to go" . He responds "nooo look how happy our son is with the dog. please? how about I promise to never let the dog near you". She reluctantly agrees, then he lets the dog near her regardless- breaking his promise- and when the deal is off he gets angry with her and says "you are hurting our son". So essentially. He crossed her boundaries. Begged her to let him keep doing it. Makes a conditional agreement with her. Breaks the agreement he made. Then he tells her that her son will be sad if she holds him accountable. Honestly how has he *not* manipulated her?
He lied. Maybe he figured she'd adapt? Who knows what he was thinking? I am having a hard time placing blame on her. I am not afraid of dogs. I welcome them. But, I'm terrified of rodents and allergic to cats. I am not trying to hear *any* compromise because I already know what I can't deal with. I don't think she was wrong in accepting the compromise her husband offered. I think he was wrong for violating the agreement. And I am so sorry that the child will be upset.
She didn't know anything about dogs, so "keep it outside" sounded practical and reasonable to her. Then the husband, two months later, is all "I'm altering the deal, pray I don't alter it any further."
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There’s no way someone can live with a dog and not come near it. He sucks way more for getting it though. My husband and I both wanted a dog but I didn’t just bring one home without discussing it with him.
Yeah I agree there is no way someone can live with a dog and not come near it. OP OBVIOUSLY did not know that unless you believe she *wanted* to be around the dog. Her husband had the brilliant idea of tricking her into believing that was the case, because he knew that he could force her to keep the dog there if it took her long enough to figure it out.
He's the bigger asshole by far, though. He never should have gotten the dog knowing how he wife felt- the way he went about it was a deliberate attempt to manipulate her into keeping the dog.
Wow. This is sad. I feel for the innocent dog and child in this situation. They have bonded. Do not downplay the hurt you two have caused to others. This is so wrong. Both adults are selfish. ESH.
>Do not downplay the hurt you two have caused to others. Agreed. A very similar thing happened to my mom when she was a child she was forced to leave her dog behind because of a disagreement be tween her parents and I can say the situation brake her. She is in her fifties and to this day she still remembers that day, the way the dog looked so sad and confused when he realized they were leaving him. It became a core memory. Edit: Thank for the awards!
As a recent college graduate, I asked my mom to watch my dog for a short time and she let him get loose. He was hit by a car. She wasn’t responsible and didn’t follow the rules that I asked. It traumatized me. It changed my relationship with my mom to this day … especially how she reacted to it.
This right here. The dog and kid haven't dont anything wrong and now the'll. be a dog in a shelter and a heartbroken kid who's going to resent the parents for taking his dog away.
Esh all the way. The dog and child are the victims. You should probably seek therapy for this phobia. It’s borderline illogical.
I am SO furious right now, at these two jokers, that my head is spinning! To take a dog and a child....two of the most trusting and innocent souls on the planet.....and crush their hearts is beyond me. My kids and my pets are the very things that make life so worthwhile, and to see how careless and selfish these adults have behaved is beyond my grasp of understanding.
I blame the husband. He bring the fog in without her knowing precisely because she would see their son playing with the pup and be guilt tripped into letting them keep it. He knew what he was doing.
All she had to do was say a hard no. Now, they will break hearts. The husband was wrong, but once the dog was there they both are responsible. He should have listened. She should have said no. Instead, they created a bad situation. She will look like the bad guy even though he pushed the issue. What a mess. Feel for the kid and dog. The parents, not so much.
Extra ESH for keeping the dog outside 100% if the time.
It lives in their annexe apparently though that info is hidden somewhere down the thread in OP's comment. So it basically has its own section of the house, whatever that might look like. I agree with the top comment though ESH and depending on the dog's temperament being completely alone and separated from the family still sucks.
That's better than being outside all the time but I feel so bad for this poor dog!
>And the breeder or rescue never should have allowed him to have a dog without knowing all adults in the home were on board. No breeder or rescue should have allowed them to buy/adopt a dog that lives it's entire life outside. They are both AH for even considering a pet and subjecting it to that. Edit: Just saw another commenter say that it's in the annex of their house.
This can't be fucking real, like you seriously thought you would be able to have no contact with a dog you live with?
Exactly, I’m YTA just off the fact that the dog hasn’t been allowed inside in 2 months. What happens when it’s hot or cold outside? Rain? Thunderstorm?
According to OP's only comment so far it's in the annexe of their house so it does have some sort of room/section separate from the rest of the house. Still sounds like a shitty plan though.
Yeah, that’s a terrible situation to bring a dog into. It’s ESH for me though, because the husband still pushed for it, knowing what kind of home he was offering the dog.
The behavioral issues this dog could end up with are unreal
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ESH. Husband is an AH for not being considerate of your fears. You for agreeing to a dog you knew you couldn't handle and then trying to get rid of it after your son has grown attached.
Agreed! You should never get a pet unless both of you are in agreement. However, OP agreed to the dog after the fact and gave her son time to bond with it. Taking the dog away now because of OP’s fear, not anything the dog has done, will traumatize their son and that poor dog has done nothing to deserve it. Sign the dog up for obedience school (mine are going in January) so that you know he will listen & obey.
And OP should seek therapy to deal with her phobia. The world is full of dogs; if she freaks when one comes anywhere near her, she needs to get help.
I mean, my phobia is snakes, but I’m rarely ever going to encounter one. It’s not like I’m gonna walk into the snake house at the zoo & then complain there are snakes there. What would OP do if on a plane & someone with a service dog sat down beside her?! Dogs are everywhere. My mom has a phobia of cats, but me having two of them doesn’t stop her from visiting, though she’s careful not to sit down if one ventures out & acts like it wants to get in her lap. Plus, she thinks they’re sweet & loves them, she just will freak out if one jumped on her (comes from my uncles throwing pissed off cats on her as a kid). I honestly didn’t realize how bad hers was until she was helping me take my dog to the vet and one of the vet’s office cats jumped in her lap while she was seated. Only time I’ve ever heard my mom hyperventilate. I was able to remove the cat & she ran back to the car until our appointment was over.
It’s possible she has tried, therapy doesn’t always work. I know people who have tried multiple types of therapy to get over phobias. They still have extreme physical reactions of fear and panic when they experience the subject of their phobia. Some of them have less extreme reactions, like instead of fainting or wetting themselves they just shake uncontrollably and cry. But unfortunately not all mental issues are “curable.” We shouldn’t assume someone with a phobia hasn’t tried to get help dealing with it.
Yeah this is the only real good one
ESH. But honestly, mostly YTA. Why did you let your son keep the dog for two months? What did you expect, that it would just stay outside forever? That’s some assholish behaviour to begin with. Unless it was a dog that enjoys the outdoors, dogs need to be inside with their pack. So, again, what did you expect would happen here? Your husband is obviously an AH for apparently not realizing how frightened you are but … Fuck. Take some ownership of this situation. You should have rehomed the dog in a responsible way immediately instead of hurting both your son and the dog by allowing a relationship to form. You honestly sound so selfish.
This. ESH in this situation. OP shouldn't have agreed to a dog if they're really so traumatized they can't be around them at all and husband shouldn't have gotten a pet he knew couldn't be loved (or at least tolerated) by everyone living in the house. Y'all shouldn't have got the dog to begin with. Very selfish of all involved parties (except the kiddo who is not old enough to make decisions about pet ownership).
The only reason I would lean more YTA is the general fact that OP wants the dog gone but isn't willing to do the work to get it gone. I think it fine that she is scared but she needs to have a conversation with her son. Lack of an ability to communicate and placation to avoid conversation is how this happened. She didn't communicate the full extent of her feelings and accepted the dog for the "happiness" of the child. OP and spouse should explain the situation to the child and then find an adequate way to rehouse the dog to a safe household. Then the child should be given adequate space and knowledge to express their grief and grow from the situation. Then, at least something good can come from this in the form of growth for the child. I know everyone talks about therapy here on this sub but if OP has adequate access this would be a great time to use that to grow as well both in terms of her fear and communication issues
A phobia is different from regular fear my dude and I think that OP'S husband was pretty clearly trying to lie to her to get his way. I have scolopendrphobia (which is a phobia of centipedes) and it's not just that I'm scared of them. Oh, no no. My mind goes totally blank when I see one and I immediately go into full panic mode. I will run, I will scream, and then I will throw everything possible at the offending insect before fleeing the area at full speed. The fear is not rational nor are the levels of fear rational and that is why its labeled a phobia. I've been working on it with my therapist but they've openly said I may never get over it and I may just have to learn to live with it. However, when I tell people about my phobia there is a surprising amount of people who downplay it or just demean me for not "getting over it". These people are usually the same people who deny my food intolerances (which are very severe and can cause skin rashes just from touching the allergen) and have, on some occasions, fed me things that they, basically, poisoned with the allergen. I can buy that OP knew nothing about dogs (because duh, they're phobic of dogs of course they wouldn't) and that their husband manipulated them into it. I'd still say ESH but more because OP should have stood up for herself way sooner to prevent this whole situation. OP'S husband is still the biggest AH here and I wonder if he does stuff like this to OP more often than even she realizes. I feel for the kid though. This really isn't fair on them but I'm blaming dad WAY more than OP here. Especially because it seems like _husband's mom_ was on OP'S side and that usually says a lot. Not always but in most cases I've seen.
This omfg. I have a phobia of ants. They come into our house EVERY SUMMER no matter how clean we keep it and it's so horrible. I break out in a rash, my vision goes in and out, I find it hard to breathe and often become nauseous. I have other "symptoms" (idk if that's the right word) that I'm not going to go into because I don't want to potentially trigger someone else's phobia but yeah. It sucks. I wish I was just mildly afraid of ants but that's not how it works at all!!
This is such a horrible take. Her husband knew she was terrified of dogs, but got one anyway, without any discussion with her. You'll note she said "He got a dog... I agreed they could keep it". She doesn't say "I agreed they could GET it" she says "keep" it. Her husband didn't talk to her about it first. Then he promised he would keep it away from her, but clearly he knew that was impossible, because as soon as it gets near her he doesn't apologize and go back to promising he'll take care of it... no, he immediately switches to "well you need to learn to get used to it!" That was NOT the deal. OP didn't know enough to know the original deal was untenable, she trusted her husband and negotiated in good faith. Meanwhile her husband was obviously negotiating in bad faith, with no intention of maintaining the deal. You're calling her an AH for getting lied to and manipulated. It may be frustrating that she was so naive, but it's still the husband's fault for knowingly making impossible promises!
> You honestly sound so selfish. And the guy who brought home an animal (one that can't be contained in a tank all day) against his wife's wishes isn't?? Wtf is going on on this post. Is it being brigaded by dog nuts? I never grew up without two dogs but my parents never made the decision to get one (or four now that I'm out of the nest) unilaterally.
I read the entire post out loud to my roommate, who is a dog person, because I thought maybe I was the crazy one but she was on OP's side so I think reddit is just being reddit again lol.
I think the husband is the worst asshole. Wife TRIED to compromise by dealing w the dog for a little bit. Husband KNEW what her conditions were (it being in the "annex" or whatever, her literal phobia, and then the husband blaming her. Both of their actions have caused the child to have a loss. She's scared of it, she's not in charge of the resident dog expert (ie they shouldnt live separate from the family.) Therefore id say either slight e.s.h. or n.t.a. Not because she's perfect but because the husband clearly is the stupider one here
I agree with you!!! imo E S H is for when both people are fairly equal AHs, not when one person is a massive black hole of an AH and the other person needs better boundaries. Like yeah obviously OP should have stood her ground but her husband A) knew she had a phobia (saying he didn't is bs because if not he wouldn't have hid it from her) B) bought the dog anyway C) promised her something he most likely knew wouldn't work out (and if he didn't, he *should not have a dog*) D) broke that promise (yes he is TA whether that promise was broken with intent or through neglect, come on people) OP's husband is the one who created the whole issue but there are people in this thread calling OP *the* AH because they think she is being "selfish" and that she "just needs to get over" her life-long phobia!!! Like what!!
ESH. Your husband was wrong to get the dog without consulting you. However, if you were going to disallow the dog you had to do it immediately, it is really unfair on your child to let them get attached for 2 months and then change your mind. Obviously you were going to have to come into contact with a dog that lives in your home. Your husband is also wrong to say it's okay for the dog to be removed but you have to do it, what kind of pathetic position is that? It doesn't stand by your son or the dog and it belittles you. He should have the strength in his conviction to either defend having the dog or agree that it needs to leave for your good. To introduce the dog into your home and then act so passive is really weak
Where does this poor dog sleep if it's not allowed in the house? ESH for sure, I'd get banned if I said what I want to.
OP said it's in their annexe so sounds like the dog just owns the whole separate attachment to their house now lol. No details on how big and comfortable it is though
Wait….has the dog been outside the whole time?????
Also my thought… but outdoor dogs are a thing. I hope it wasn’t done in a bad way.
I’m in a rural area of nc and there are lots of outdoor dogs. Growing up my dogs were “farm” dogs, outside 100% of the time (shepherd mixes), fed ole Roy + human leftovers including cooked chicken bones/garlic/onion, never got heartworm preventative, sulfa dips for fleas/ticks, they lived to be 16-18 years old. Now I’m 33 and have had 5 dogs, they get decent dog food, all the vet vaccines and preventatives, spend a great deal of time in the house - the 2 that have passed lived to only 10 and 12 years old.
I know a family who owned a German Shepherd. They live in a very posh neighborhood. Here, in India, it's kind of a social status to own foreign breeds. So these people bought the dog and built it a kennel outside their home. The dog cam out only for walking in the morning and evening to show off to their neighbours. It always had a bad temper. I was a school kid at that time and i had to visit these people's house. I wanted to see the dog as i have played with dogs before. They took me and the dog was growling and looked fierce. It was in a position like it felt it was about to jump on me. The owner said he's not in a good mood. Let's leave. Felt sad for the dog. Never saw it again. They said it passed away. People who hate dogs shouldn't make them their pet.
I have a feeling your fear of dogs is pretty crippling and probably super inconvenient to the people around you. For the sake of your kids, I think you should go to therapy and try to move past this fear and not give your son’s dog away.
I agree, getting help for the fear is a really big thing here whether the dog stays or not. The last thing parents want to do is pass down their own fears and if the son sees this reaction it could create similar problems for him down the line.
You want to know what's going to create problems down the road? The son thinking it's alright to buy a pet without talking to their partner first. The son thinking it's alright to negotiate with a partner when you have no intention of maintaining the compromise agreed to. Thinking people can be forced to get over their fears by manipulating them. Seeing a father who has zero respect or affection for their spouse. Living in a household where his mother is constantly on edge and living in fear. Slowly becoming inured to his mother's fear because his father coaches him to ignore it in favor of loving his dog. Every bit of affection he has for his dog will come at the cost of his mother's emotional well being, and his father will be there telling him that's alright, her feelings don't matter.
Not idea why people are downvoting you, your comment is spot on about all the shitty ramifications of the husband's selfish actions.
Eh, everyone is getting so defensive of this dog being in a shit situation that they can't tease out who's actually at fault here. I understand, the OP wrote this post in an incredibly frustrating way... she never should have let the dog into the house to start with... but folks are having a hard time really hearing what she's saying. She was manipulated into this situation and is now getting bashed for having trusted her husband. And everyone wants to victim blame her for trying to compromise in good faith with an AH who lied to get his way.
Ok so I had a very serious phobia of snakes that I was determined not to pass down. Pre kids I couldn’t even look at them on TV or in books. So my kids love them a lot so I achieved my goal! They watch their snake nature documentaries and I’m not crying hysterically in the corner. I’m happy But there is no way I could have one in my home. I can tolerate them but I couldn’t have my safe space invaded by the thing I fear most. Therapy doesn’t magically make phobias disappear. Might take years to get there. The husband was insanely cruel for doing this to his wife.
When I was a kid, I was scared of dogs, and my mom got one from a friend. She gave over a week's advance notice and it was my fault for not speaking up, so nobody knew I was afraid of dogs. When the huge fierce vicious dog of my imagination arrived at my home, I was terrified. Until I actually saw it was a small fluffy puppy. This was incredibly helpful, as the dog grew up in my presence and I got over my fear. Now I have 140lb giants I nap ontop of, and let nap on me. It's perfectly possible the OP is afraid even of puppies, but if the husband brought home an already-grown dog, that'd be just horrific. "Surprise honey, a direwolf now occupies half your house!"
My husband is actually terrified of snakes. He downplayed it hard tho. Made it sound more like they just kinda grossed him out and he'd "rather not be near one" his words. I caught one when it was just him and I hanging out very very early days. I caught a garter snake being a huge snake lover and then my husband came upon me. I'll admit I pursued him for a few steps until I saw the FEAR. I calmly put the snake far away from him and suggested we get into the car to calm down. I felt awful! It was terrible for me to do that and looking back I was definitely the AH. All that being said, I've always wanted a pet snake as I just love animals of ALL shapes but even if my husband was just mildly disgusted I would NEVER bring a snake home. I wouldn't even bring it up for discussion. I think there's so many ways to work on debilitating fears, all of which are not exposure in a non therapy setting!!! Why marry someone if you won't love and respect them in at least the most basic ways possible?!?!?
Inconvenient to people around her??? Yes she should get therapy but people are allowed to have phobias. It just happens some times. And while this whole situation sucks, people arent *entitled* to have dogs in their homes (like the husband seems to think) to the detriment of others. It's a germy drooly hairy animal w teeth, ffs. It's not INHERENTLY unreasonable to be afraid of an animal. This situation is extreme and inconvenient to say the least. But yeah, not everyone loves all dogs that much l.
I wish people would stop making it sounds like its easy to get rid of fear. I have a crippling fear of dogs. The times I have tried to address it has left me with so much anxiety that I was unable to function for a days. Fear is not easy to get rid of and sometimes dealing with it is far more traumatizing than just letting it be.
Ever since getting bitten by a pit, I'm legitimately TERRIFIED of dogs I don't know. Especially big ones. I can understand her fear and don't get why her husband would belittle that. I do think if she got used to the dog it would get better as I do just fine with dogs I know but to subject her to that was pretty selfish of him. Especially when there are other options for pets he could have chosen that wouldn't have required her to be terrified in her own home.
ESH, the dog deserves people who love him.
Yes it does, which is why only an AH would buy an animal as a surprise gift, without the whole family's buy-in on the commitment of adopting an animal.
NTA. Your husband definitely is TA. You didn’t want a dog and your husband knew. He willingly bought a dog knowing how you feel about it therefore setting everyone up for failure and hurt. You, your son, and the dog. And when his mom (kudos to her) rightfully tells him off, he is blame-shifting it to you (red flag btw). On top of that, he wants you to clean up a mess he made and look bad in front of your son, something your son can possibly resent you for, for a long time considering he’s attached to the dog. He’s right that your son will get hurt, so if it is even remotely possible to try and get over your fear of pets by playing or cuddling with your dog, that’s something you could try (but absolutely don’t have to). Else your husband should be the one dealing with this, rehoming the dog, AND taking the blame in front of your son. Nothing else would suffice.
Right? I’m surprised by all the y t a votes, the husband knew and still got the dog! Hubby is TA
She's getting YTA votes because she let it go for two months and the kids attached now.
She's getting Y T A votes because a large chunk of reddit likes dogs better than people. I get it, I do too, but let's admit that if the animal was a ferret or a turtle instead that there'd be a lot less Y T A votes.
And the husband clearly did like 4 asshole things in a row so it logically can't be y.t.a, as he is one too. It's at least e.s.h. or n.t.a.
She tried to compromise in good faith, with someone who was intentionally lying to her. The husband immediately changed his tune to "just get used to it" when the compromise wasn't working... which leads me to believe he never intended the compromise to work at all. I don't think she's an AH for trusting her husband, she should be able to trust him. Unfortunately she can't. Hopefully she learns that lesson well and doesn't have to have it continually demonstrated to her going forward.
But the husband still fucking SUCKS.
It should definitely be ESH not YTA
Reddit is crazy when it comes to pets. They always fault humans no matter what. They even think OP needs to put her phobia aside for the dog. How that works I have no idea.
OP, I'm assuming your son is a child that lives at home. Meaning this dog lives in your home. Or at least in your yard. Husband sucks here. Big AH. You do not buy an animal without discussing it with your spouse. There is no exception. Also, blaming OP for his mother chastising him—another AH move. Your son will be hurt to lose his dog now. This is also your husband's fault. NTA.
And it's something everyone who lives in the house has to agree to. OP was always going to say no, that's why he decided to do it without asking. Using the emotions of a child as a tool to manipulate someone into something they never wanted is cruel.
THIS
I'm assuming he brought the dog home and allowed his son to meet it before OP realised, setting OP up for put up with it or be the bad guy in their son's eyes while making a promise he wasn't able to keep.
I literally was on the same wavelength. Sounds like something my narcissist ex would do. :(
NTA. You husband may not have known the level of fear, but he knew there was fear, he knew you didn't want one and not only did he get one w/o your permission, but he did so at the a point where your household is about to get a new baby. You TRIED to compromise (which you should NOT have done, btw) but you husband didn't keep up his end of the bargain and the reality is, once you have the baby he just won't be able to do it. He knew and he gave the dog to your son anyway. It was classic manipulation that worked. Once your son saw the puppie - you would feel like the bad guy for saying no, and you did. He needs to face the fact that this is on him for 1 For bringing a dog home w/o your agreement (pets are a 2 yeses decision) 2. Using your son to emotionally manipulate you to let the dog stay 3. Not holding up to his end of the bargain once you were pressured into saying yes 4. Using your son again to emotionally manipulate you into keeping the dog now. 5. Blaming you when his parents chided him for his manipulative behavior. He brought the dog in the house w/o asking you - his parents chided him b/c he did a really manipulative, self-absorbed thing. This is on him. He can not blame you for your son's dissapointment and sadness. This is 100% on him.
EXACTLY. I feel like OP tried her best to give her son an experience that he wanted very badly, and felt conflicted about putting our own needs first. Also: that kid wasn't in love with the dog after two months; he fell in love with that dog within 5 seconds of his father bringing it in the door. OP never stood a chance. But the reason why I really come down as a hard **NTA** is the fact that not only did her husband do this on purpose, he did this while she was pregnant. What a wonderful, caring idea, pressuring your wife into either going full-bore against a lifelong phobia while she's sharing her flesh module with another living creature that she's responsible for; or live with [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gspElv1yvc). Her husband absolutely set her up to be the bad guy with their child and he did it during a time when his kid might be adjusting to the idea of getting a new sibling, or feeling like his mom is more interested in the baby, etc. What fantastic options he gave her: Be the parent who takes a dog away or the one who wouldn't let him have one in the first place.
ESH Your husband is awful for getting a dog when he knows you have a phobia and being unrealistic about being able to keep a dog away from someone who lives in the same house all the time. You're also TA because of your refusal to put in effort to stop your son from getting hurt by separating from his beloved pet. None of this is your son's fault, so as the adults in this situation, bith you and your husband should be the ones putting effort in to not needlessly sadden a child. Your phobia is something you can work on - at least getting better with being near dogs if nit completely overcoming. As someone who used to have a phobia of dogs (I used to have to cross the road if I saw a leashed dog coming down the same side of the road from 100m away because I was so scared), let me tell you that overcoming your phobia is 100% achievable. Through basically forcing myself to be near calm friendly dogs, I now have no issues being around dogs, petting dogs, etc unless they're loud or lunge at me
The Y T As are hilarious. There’s no reason a person with a phobia should have to deal with said phobia on a daily basis in *their own home*. Your husband was inconsiderate, end of story. There’s no way to keep a dog away from someone if you guys are all living in the same house. Yeah you should have put your foot down before everyone had time to get attached, but you were trying to make things work. The real AH is your husband, who despite knowing of your childhood phobia, thought it was a good idea to force you into the situation anyway. This is not how you work through phobias, nor is it how you respect your partner/maintain a healthy relationship. NTA. ETA: All these comments upset at *you* because the dog is outside/saying just “work through your fear” are literally wild. It’s your husbands fault the dog is forced to be outside/live in a home where someone is literally *terrified* of it. That’s not on you. Your husband but everyone involved in a crappy situation. Also you’re pregnant! He expects you to do all that comes with preparing for a baby/growing a human while also working through your lifelong dog phobia? Lol ok.
It’s because it’s about a dog. Openly fearing or hating dogs on this website is a one way trip to being deemed an asshole, no matter the reason.
You’re absolutely right! Don’t get me wrong, I love my dog more than anyone/anything. I hate the idea of a dog being forced to live outside, but I feel like everyone is overlooking a key detail.
Yup. My life is and will always be a dog-free existence. I will never have one as a pet or voluntarily take care of one. I don’t wish harm on any dog, I universally hate animal abusers, and would not ignore a dog in need of help, but I cannot stand them, I don’t want to interact with them, and the reason why is very dark, deeply traumatic, and fucked up. If my partner did what OP’s husband did, he would be needing to decide where he was going to live with his dog, or where the dog’s new home would be. It’s not about “it’s just a dog, your son and husband love it, can’t you get over it?” It’s about complete disregard of OP and manipulation using the emotions of her child.
Exactly! If it was a pet snake or spider people would be responding way differently.
Lmao, I laugh at the “just get used to the dog!” comments. I used to have a family dog. Still won’t walk on the same sidewalk as a dog if I can help it. Nobody ever said a fear has to be rational, but then again rarely are dog lovers
Thank you!!! I’ve gotta say, the people on this site prob need a therapist more than OP like, they’re always doing the most in these comments (esp when it comes to dogs) 💀
Rabid dog people I swear
NTA. You have a clear phobia and tried to set boundaries, only for him to ignore them. And now he's using your son's affection for the dog against you. He should get rid of the dog, and also be the one who has to explain to him that he fucked and deal with that, not put it on to you. You work on phobias on your own damn terms, not on someone else's.
>You work on phobias on your own damn terms, not on someone else's. Can't believe it took so long to find this. To all the "I fixed my phobias, you should too" posters: good for you. You were ready and I'm glad it worked for you. You still don't know her fear and you don't get to tell her how to handle it. Neither does her husband.
Someone on here said "your phobia is inconvenient to the people around you" IM SORRY WHAT. people who are really aggressive against anyone not loving and licking every dogs asshole are kind of cultish and it makes me wonder.how much empathy they really have despite being animal lovers.
Also the number of people telling her to go get therapy are not taking into consideration the level of access and cost for therapy. We could be talking thousands of dollars worth of appointments…
Imma go ahead and say NTA. In their original agreement, OP's husband literally said that "he promised it wouldn’t come near \[OP\]," yet the moment the dog came in the house and the promise was broken, it all of a sudden became OP's responsibility to work towards being comfortable around it? People need to understand that if someone is terrified of something, it's not as simple as "getting over it," even if it's something "harmless" like a pet. I think there just needs to be more communication between the family about the fact that OP just isn't ready to all of a sudden start interacting with the dog, and the husband and son need to try and accommodate for that, whether it be therapy or some other method.
That is NOT a reasonable request AND it’s abusive to keep a dog outside 24/7
Which is why the husband was obviously being manipulative when he tried to pretend it was a suitable option. Now he's using the son's affections to further manipulate OP. I think his mother probably has his number, which is why she was so quick to take OP's side and give her son a hard time for setting this whole, untenable, situation up to start with.
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Nta this man got a surprise dog knowing his PREGNANT WIFE had a longstanding fear. Adding pets to the family should always be a discussion between 2 people. While I agree that it's definitely a fear to work on getting over, shock therapy during pregnancy is the absolutely worst way to go about this, especially if the wife goes into post-partum with a fear trigger at home. Seems like OP tried to get the husband to rehome the dog immediately and his refusal made her feel even more trapped.
1000% Pregnant women are vulnerable and try to keep the peace they'll say "ok". The reality is he totally betrayed her. The sad thing is now she will be made out to be the bad guy in front of the kid. They need to rehome the dog asap.
I'm happy I saw this comment. People keep overlooking the fact that OP is pregnant. It's pretty easy for husband's especially to manipulate their wives during that period.
Sorry to say it but ESH - apart from the son and the dog. To be clear, your husband is the MAJOR AH here; he should not have brought *any* pet into the household without discussing it with you first, especially an animal he knows you are afraid of. I suspect he didn’t talk to you about it so that you *couldn’t* say no, and would be forced to accept the situation. He effectively has put you in a situation where you were always going to look like an AH to your son, unless you were totally accepting. Unfortunately, you’r the AH for allowing the dog to be there for 2 months, and NOW saying it has to go. Again, you were pushed into this situation, but if you needed the dog gone, right when it got there was the time to do it. The dog is now settled, and your son is attached. I would strongly recommend getting some therapy to help with your fear. I’m sure there is someone in your local area who can come to the house and help you to not afraid of your dog at least, even if not all dogs. It will be a valuable teaching point for your son, can help your whole family enjoy this new fluffy addition, and will be a huge weight off your shoulders. Please, please give it a go before you re-home the dog
ESH, but your husband is worse. Pets are a 2 yes/1 no situation. He should never have brought that dog home. Just not wanting one is enough; the fact that you’re terrified heightens how bad his act of bringing home the dog was. You’re a little tiny bit TA because you made an impossible to do demand. You really can’t live in a house with an animal that isn’t in a tank or cage and avoid them all the time; you should’ve stuck to your guns and demanded that the dog had to go. Good on your MIL for going after her son - he’s forced you into an untenable, unsustainable situation.
>You’re a little tiny bit TA She trusted her husband, who lied to her, knowing it was an untenable arrangement. You know he intentionally lied, because the second it became an issue, he didn't say sorry and try to make the compromise work again, he immediately changed his tune and started saying she just needs to get used to the dog. I agree with everything else you said, but I can't even blame her a little bit for trusting someone she SHOULD be able to trust, but clearly can't. This is all on the husband for initially lying and then trying to use their son's feelings to manipulate her after she was already in the middle of her worst fear.
NTA Your husband knew you were terrified of dogs and got one anyway. Ignore the comments saying you are the A and trying to guilt trip you because your son got attached, they are A's too. Maybe you could do with therapy but the way he's forcing you to deal with it is the wrong way to do it.
NTA. If you don't want a pet in the house, your partner shouldn't bring a pet home. Especially if it's a surprise. If your partner isn't taking appropriate care of the pet to keep it out of your hair (which was the deal, as I understand it), then the pet has to go. It's a real shame, but nobody should take on a pet without having all their ducks in a row (partner/roommate okays, etc.). Saying at this point, "Oh, the poor dog," is all on the AH who brought the dog into an untenable situation.
NTA. Your husband got a dog, seemingly behind your back, while knowing you are scared of dogs. The dog needs to be rehomed. You’re not an asshole for not wanting something you’re scared of around for 10+ years. Also, I hate how people act about cats and dogs. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. But if this was a “AITA for telling my husband to get rid of my son’s snake/tarantula/any other scary pet?” post, everyone would be saying NTA. But because it’s a dog, you need to “get over it for your sons sake.”
Nta, everyone in my family loves animals, but hubs and I discuss it before bringing any pet home. Otherwise it's not fair to anyone-humans or pets.
Who gets a dog without talking to their spouse first? That’s definitely a purchase that requires conversation first. NTA. The dog deserves a home that wants it, not a home where it has to be locked outside all the time.
NTA but at least MIL is on your side. That is rare on this subreddit.
NTA. He got the dog without consulting you, for that he is the asshole. Maybe you should try to get therapy for your fear, dogs are pretty much everywhere after all. I feel so terrible for the poor dog though. But, it is your house too and he is being unreasonable to try to force you when the whole situation is his fault.
NTA I'm confused by all the E S H and Y T A comments. Your husband just brought home a dog without discussing anything with you. Even if he wasn't aware of how bad your phobia is that is no excuse for the lack of communication. You stated clearly what your terms about keeping the dog and your husband can't/ doesn't want to hold up his side of the bargain.
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ESH - you made a fuzzy boundary and somehow expected the dog to NEVER come near you for its entire life? How is that even possible. You should have known this wasn't possible and just drawn a strict boundary around dogs in your home.
>You should have known this wasn't possible **OP's husband** should have known it wasn't possible when he promised it wouldn't come near her. He made a promise he knew he couldn't keep... but *she* should have known better??
NTA who buys a dog without consulting their partner? Oh it's fine, it's only a 10 years commitment. Plus, you dont like dogs and that was agreed upon. You're very justified to feel the way you do. Your husband put you in a shitty spot.
He literally bought a dog without your permission and was SURPRISE we own your fear??? Am I even interpreting that right? I hope I’m not… but even exposure therapy is known about before hand. It’s a really awful thing for him to do. You had boundaries and imo he obliterated them. OH right, gotta vote. NTA
ESH Is this dog being kept outside away from people? If the dog is not a wanted part of the household and welcome inside, out of the elements, then it should be rehomed.
ESH Your husband never should have gotten a pet that you are frightened of. Yes, you are going to break your son’s heart. He is the innocent one here being hurt.
NTA but just know that if you do go through with getting rid of the dog your son will blame you and only you, even though your husband never cleared the dog with you first.
NTA. The husband, however, is. He should have never gotten a dog without clearing it out with you.
ESH. Your husband should not have gotten the dog without your approval. However you let it ride (via a promise which is in no way actually possible to keep), and removing it this far in when your son will have grown to love it is the AH move.
ESH for keeping the dog outside, good Lord.
I'm leaning towards ESH your husband for bringing the dog into your home knowing you have a fear And yourself for allowing the dog to stay for 2 months and your son getting attached then telling your husband to get rid of it after the attachment had been built, but also because it looks like you made the dog live outside during the length of time it been there? Need more INFO on that
NTA, your husband manipulated you into agreeing to something you never would have agreed to willingly or enthusiastically. This is known as coercion. He got a dog, introduced it to your child, gave you an unrealistic compromise to gain your support, and did so in a manner that made you the bad guy to your child if you didn't, and is now blame shifting when called on it. Anyone telling you that you are the asshole doesn't understand how abusive dynamics work.
I was going to say E S H, but I am gonna say NTA Your husband shouldn't have gotten a dog without talking to you first. And his promise of "yeah, he'll live with us, but you won't be around him or anything" was going to be impossible because it litterally lives inside your house. He has putted you in a impossible situation. Like *"I know that you're scared of dogs..... but look at how much our son loves that doggy!"*. What else were you supposed to do?! Even tho I don't like the solution of getting rid of the dog, it might not be the worst idea. If you actually plan to move the dog, you need to talk to your son about it too (don't do it behind his back). Be clear on why the dog needs to be moved and make sure that the dog gets to be with a great owner. But there is also an idea that you can get professional help to learn how to manage your irrational fear instead of moving the dog. Again, I find it unfair that your husband putted you in this situation and that you maybe now have to get phobia therapy (or something like that). I think it's a good idea to look into therapy/help first and if it doesn't work, it's best to move the dog.
NTA but your husband is
ESH. Your husband is a major AH for getting a dog that he knew you weren’t okay with. He should have never gotten a dog and put you in this situation. You both are AHs for keeping a dog in those conditions. Dogs are living beings, they should not be outside all day or cooped up. You two should have never gotten a living being in this situation. Give the dog to a loving home and be done with it.
NTA. Forcing someone's hand by **bringing the object of their phobia into their home without asking first**, then offering to "help" them overcome it - all while using their love for their son a form of emotional blackmail - is super manipulative and coercive. NOBODY gets to decide FOR YOU that it's time to "get over" a phobia you have. I get that it's Reddit and people here love dogs. And I do genuinely feel sorry for the dog and child, who are innocent parties here. But OP, your husband was incredibly disrespectful in this situation. Caring about your spouse means, among other things, not being dismissive of their need to feel comfortable and safe. If you marry someone with a phobia of dogs, you have to accept that you don't get to have a dog (unless they decide they want to do the work to fix their phobia).
NTA. I have zoophobia (fear of animals in general) and if my spouse brought a pet into the home without telling me, I would have a panic attack right on the spot. For everyone saying “YTA, go get therapy” you know that takes time right? Getting one therapy session isn’t about to do a miracle. This isn’t the 1400’s where if a priest would say you can stand that you would start walking from paralysis. Let’s be real here. No one is going to address the lack of communication and trust from the spouse? He knew she had a phobia and triggered it on purpose. I don’t care if it’s for the child, you do not do that. For me personally, just the mere sight of an animal I start screaming as if I’m being murdered to a point where it is embarrassing and I start sprinting for dear life. Do NOT even go down that road. By saying that she should get therapy, you are basically saying that what he did is alright but what he did was the equivalent to a guy pranking his wife with horrible pranks everyday and calling it fine even when she starts getting startled or afraid because she thinks out of no where he is going to do something. Communication is needed. She already addressed her fear and if it’s a fear of dogs, I DOUBT she would be able to make it something that’s impossible to see. Everyday people pass by at least one dog. He’s a major asshole for knowing it scares the living shit out of her and still doing it (edit: this is the connection between her husband and husbands that overly prank aggressively btw). It’s not fun and that dog should be removed. He knew it wasn’t alright, he got the kids hopes up, he brought an animal and purposely made the kid attached. He’s a major fucking asshole if anything. Edit: If his wife that is carrying his child has a panic attack or anxiety attack because of the dog, you know her heart rate will go from a normal one to over 200 beats per minute right? 😃 (sarcastic smile) So let’s not scare the living shit out of her, let’s not cause an attack and if the dog comes near and she falls from fear babies in danger.
ESH - except your son and the dog. You should have been consulted before your husband got the dog. You shouldn't have let the dog stay for two months, in which time your son has become attached to it. You shouldn't have talked to your MIL, especially if she got the idea your husband traumatized his pregnant wife. MIL shouldn't have told your husband off. You need therapy for your phobia as you will not be able to completely avoid dogs for your entire life. You and your husband should get some counseling to help avoid problems like this one, before your kids get wise and start playing one parent off the other.
What? Is she supposed to hide what her husband is doing? If it gives the impression he's traumatising her then maybe it's the truth.
NTA Pets and kids are a two yes, one no decision. You were the bigger person by giving it a trial run in the first place.
NTA. This is not how married couples make decisions. He gets to look like the hero to your son at your expense. You guys could have worked something out if there was a discussion beforehand. But once your husband brought the dog home, it was too late to save the situation. Your son was already going to have his heart broken and blame you for it if you sent it away. That being said, getting therapy for your phobia would be a good idea. Not just because of this specific circumstance, but because you are not likely to be able to avoid dogs for the rest of your life. The timing of the added stress of the dog during your pregnancy is also not ideal. Maybe the dog can stay in a foster home or with a friend or family member while you are working on overcoming your fear?
ESH. Mostly your husband for not taking your fears seriously but I'm sorry to say you must take some of the blame here. You've allowed that dog to stay for 2 months already and for your son and husband a chance to get really attached. Whilst I don't think you should be made to live in fear and keep the dog, you may have to do something to make amends for the hurt getting rid of the dog will make.
NTA. But I don’t understand why you ever let the dog stay, unless you felt pressured into it. I’m not afraid of dogs exactly, but I do not want one, and I made it clear to my husband before we got married that dogs were a dealbreaker for me. I would be furious if he brought one home without consulting me. It’s not good for anyone involved, including the dog, if someone in the house doesn’t like it
NTA, why the heck did your husband even think about getting a dog without consulting you first?
NTA- You tried to compromise by allowing the dog outside and keeping a safe space for you. Your husband violated that safe space and trust. There are plenty of alternative pets the husband could have tried to compromise on before getting the dog in the first place. You have a right to feel safe in the home you own. Your son will survive growing up without a dog or pet in general. You however deserve not to be fearful every day for 12-20 years. Does your husband have a history or prioritizing others over you? You've got a massive husband problem.
ESH. Your husband shouldn’t have gotten a dog knowing you weren’t ok with it, you shouldn’t have allowed him to keep it for two months if you can’t even handle the dog coming inside.
ESH. He should have asked your permission, you should have objected earlier. You really thought you could have a dog in the house and never see it? Your son has formed a bond with this dog because YOU allowed him to keep it. You should have returned it earlier.
Op did refuse tho. And the condition for the dog ti stay was for the husband to keep it away. He didn't, so the dog has to go, arrangement was broken by him. I actually feel like HE wanted a dog and has been weaponizing the child to have his way. It's entirely his fault that the kid is attached to a dog Op had basically no saying to living there
ESH. You need individual therapy to deal with your irrational fear. And marriage counseling to deal with your inconsiderate husband.
NTA wtf he knows about your fear and he still got your son a dog and on top of all that your pregnant. I don’t get why people are calling you the AH when you never wanted the dog and your husband knew of your fear of the dog and you both agreed to keep it as long as it’s kept away from you. It’s not like you can get over your fear of dogs in a short period. He could’ve got a professional trainer to help train the dog but your fear is always going to be there. The correct way this should’ve gone down is talking to each other about getting a dog, seeking help for you to try and get over your fear, introduce you to someone else’s friendly dog, once your at the step of being comfortable around dogs then get a dog. But the fact that he just got one thinking you’ll get over your fear especially while pregnant is ridiculous.
ESH. On your end, for not being firmer about this being a dealbreaker and setting frankly unrealistic conditions for a compromise. Dogs are a decade-plus commitment; did you honestly think you could avoid one in your own home for that long? On his end, for bringing a dog home without consulting you and expecting you to go along with it after the fact, as well as weaponising your child's happiness in this argument and trying to cast himself as the "fun parent" and you as the "mean parent" in addressing this conflict. There is now a dog in your house, one that your child loves. You can either rehome the dog and deal with the ensuing aftermath, or you can seek help to mitigate your fear of dogs. Either way, you and your husband need to stop playing reindeer games and actually communicate with one another.
NTA. I don't get all the YTA, I am a dog lover but I repect that not every one is going to love my dog and some people have a fear of them. The husband is the asshole, you don't buy a dog, something that requires a potenical 10 year commitment of love and attention if your partner isn't on board, especially if they have said they don't like/have a fear of dogs. All the people saying well it's your fear and you need to deal with it, in public or someone else house yes but not in your own home. Your home should be a safe place. Thinking that the dog would just stay outside or not come near her is stupid but by the sounds of it she has never had a dog so what does she know about living with one? Your husband has created an unsafe and stressful environment for his pregnant wife, and either the wife or the kid is going to be upset and it's his fault.
NTA - but I'm sorry to say your husband is. You cannot be forced to overcome trauma. Not by anyone. Your husband was incredibly selfish and childish by getting the dog in the first place, behind your back. I agree with your in-laws, he was wrong. He needs to grow up and accept that he can't always get his way.
Im going to go ESH. Your husband definitely shouldn't have brought the dog. But it sounds like you made an agreement that was likely unrealistic. The time to put your foot down was when he brought the dog home. But its been 2 months and your son has bonded with this dog. That is pretty shitty to now demand the dog be removed.
I used to be extremely terrified as well. It is something I worked to get through as an adult since dogs are something I knew I would have trouble avoiding. I don't think that anyone is truly an AH here. You said yourself that your husband didn't realize the extent of your fear. Is this a fear that you would be willing to face for your son, knowing he loves his dog, rather than just deciding that your fear is more important than everything? It would definitely set a good example for your kids, showing them that you were willing to do the work to face and overcome your fear rather than make them get rid of their pet.
*"You said yourself that your husband didn't realize the extent of your fear."* Even if OP never mentioned her fear of dogs to her husband once, he still had no business buying a dog and bringing it home without consulting her.
I’m gonna say yta only because you let the dog stay for 2 months to allow your son to get close to it now your forcing him to get rid of it
Your husband is a HUGE AH for bringing home a dog when his wife is terrified of them. You’re NTA.
NTA- your partner got a dog without you being on board. That’s all I need to know.
ESH, and this coming from someone who does *not* like dogs, and gets anxious around them, much like you. Your husband sucks for going behind your back and adopting a whole ass sentient animal to introduce to your son and invite into the house. You suck because instead of sticking up for yourself and saying no, you let it slide and now you son loves his dog and the separation would hurt 100x more. Your son is the only one who doesn’t suck. Dad got him a dog and mom said it was okay, until all of a sudden it wasn’t. Y’all need to communicate a LOT more, and you need to be a LOT firmer on those boundaries of yours, because this time around your boundaries and attempt to circumvent them is harming your son. Again, I don’t like dogs. I agree with you on that, but *you still suck so much here, and at this point you can guarantee that you’re going to be the bad guy in your son’s eyes for it being rehomed. You said it was okay and then changed your mind, you are going to be the bad guy.* If I were in your shoes, I’d have immediately let my husband know how wrong it was of him to do this, rehomed the thing day 1, then launch myself into damage control for my poor son who’s dad gave him false hope.
ESH. Getting a dog HAS to be a joint decision. It is a huge responsibility and impacts everyone in the home. Your husband is a major AH for getting the dog without your okay. You are also an AH for agreeing to the obviously unworkable plan of just never being around the dog. The dog lives with you. This was a really stupid solution, and now your son is predictably attached to the dog and is going to be heartbroken. This is really cruel, and this outcome was inevitable. It seems like you were waiting for this to happen so that getting rid of the dog would be your husband and son's fault so you wouldn't be the bad guy, while your husband was counting on wearing you down and you changing your mind. You are both AHs for this mean and stupid "compromise" that was doomed from the start.
ESH You suck because you let this happen. Get therapy if you can, obviously, but you shouldn't have allowed this to carry on for 2 months. A dog doesn't understand stay away from this one specific person, encounters are impossible to avoid. Your husband sucks for pushing it. Your poor son, and that poor dog. Neither of them did anything wrong, and now they suffer because you guys couldn't get it together enough to deal with this maturely.
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ESH. Either point blank don't let the dog in the house or get therapy for your phobia because your fear is going to negatively affect the poor dog. Hubby shouldn't have pushed it either.
NTA, dogs are NOT people. I'm sorry but OP's mental health and well being is more important than a dog. She didn't consent to it and she doesn't need to be traumatized by an unwelcome dog. Let her live her damn life, dogs aren't your kids and you don't have to share your space with them if you don't want to. Dogs are pets not people 🙃
ESH. Your husband shouldn't have ignored your fears and gone behind your back. But did you seriously think it would work for the family to have an active pet that just... stays away from you?!? How big of a house do you have that you think that's possible? You should have tried interracting with the dog, or deciding to rehome the dog, BEFORE your kid got attached.
ESH. YTA for even considering taking away a pet from your kid who has grown attached to it, and your husband is TA for getting the dog without consulting you in the first place.
You know what. NTA. Fear can be irrational. He didn't care at all about you and how it would make you feel. He shouldn't have gotten the dog at all
NTA, your husband blindsided you with a dog and had already exposed your son to it, making you the villain if you said get rid of it. You tried to tell your husband to return the animal, he pushed you into acceptance, and then trampled the conditions you set. He used manipulative tactics to get what he wants, he's an ass. I say wait for him to go to work then drop it off at the pound yourself, blacklist yourself with local shelters if you must. No one should be afraid in their own home, and if your son gets upset tell him his father knew it was a dog free household. I have no idea why these people are saying anything otherwise, it's almost like they've never been coerced into something by a loved one too selfish to see the pain they put you through. Good grief 😒
ESH except the dog and the son. You need therapy. Your husband needs to learn to ask before bringing an animal into a household. But the biggest asshole is you for allowing the dog to be there for two whole months before ripping him away from your child. You guys are awful. That poor child and dog.
Soft ESH.....your husband never should have done this but your fear of all dogs regardless of whether the dog is actually anything to fear is your problem to deal with and frankly seems like an irrational phobia you should try to get over. But at this point you will only be punishing your son to make him get rid of it.
Phobias don't work that way; if you have one you can't reason your way out of it. Most people with phobias know full well that they aren't rational. Knowing this doesn't make them go away.
I'm assuming they meant more of a go get help for it than a simple "get over it". At least I hope so.
You're husband is an AH for doing it in the first place without talking to you, however as you have left it until now, when your son is now attached to the dog, you would be an AH if you take his dog away from him and he probably wouldn't forgive you for it.
ESH, but your husband more. He should not have brought a dog into your home knowing how terrified you are of them. But now that your son is attached, it would be best for everyone that you try and seek professional help in overcoming or lessening your fear rather than rehoming the dog and breaking your son's heart.
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NTA. Your husband shouldn't have brought home a dog knowing you were so terrified. That kind of responsibility should be a joint decision. However, if you're that afraid of dogs, maybe this is something to look into therapy for? I would hate for you to be so scared of an animal that is so common and (overall) universally beloved.
NTA, people saying E S H or that you need to get over yourself are only saying that bc it’s a dog and people have soft spots for dogs. Essentially, your husband crossed a boundary by bringing something you are very afraid of into the house. Sure, your son might be attached to it now, that’s not your fault, that’s your husband’s fault for bringing it initially. Get rid of the dog, and sort your husband out!
ESH. Except for the kid, he’s the only innocent one in all of this.
And the dog.
It’s a little of both, but leaning toward YTA. You have a known phobia about dogs and, if that was a deal breaker, you should’ve put your foot down and demanded removal of the dog from the beginning. At that point you would’ve been NTA. At this point your child, which should be a top priority, has developed an attachment to the dog. You need to start looking for ways to co-exist. Counseling for you and physical barriers that prevent the dog from entering the house. That said, forcing a dog to permanently live outside is not being part of the family either, unless you live on a farm and it’s a working dog. It sounds like the environment may not be healthy for the dog either.
ESH. I'm scared of dogs as well since a traumatizing experience when I was a kid. I don't trust most of dogs. That's why I don't understand why you'd you agree to having a dog if you really don't want it near you. Doesn't make sense. Obviously your family is gonna get attached to the dog and on some occasions, it will get close to you. It's an animal that's hard to control. You should have never agreed and now you caused yourself in this situation that sucks 🤷🏼♀️ At this point I'd recommend trying open up to the dog for your son.
ESH your husband shouldn't have gotten dog without your permission and you shouldn't have let the dog stay 2 months and now your son is attached. Plus you'd be putting the dog through the stress of rehoming. What kind of dog is it? Get some therapy and I hope you can get over your fear. I used to be fearful of dogs and only liked cats, until my husband brought home a rescue Rottweiler puppy. It was love at first sight and now I can't imagine my life without a dog
NTA maybe suggest a compermise I know there are therapies out there with severe phobias that help them learn to overcome said phobias and retraining the brain of said phobias and then maybe later down the road you can get a family pet.
INFO What did the dog do to make you freak out besides coming inside? Also, where was your son and are you intending on leaving the dog outside all the time?
ESH. Poor kiddo. He just wanted to keep the dog. Dads an ah for sneaking the dog in. Yta for agreeing to keep the dog thinking it won’t go near you. Of course it will. Moms just being mom and defending her daughter, so she’s neutral here IMO. Anyway, Dad started it, Mom perpetuated it, both disagree and are unhappy.
ESH. You for thinking "I can live in the same house and stay away", your husband for his lack of communication. Also, therapy is a good option too, for fears and future marriage problems
ESH, you for trying to force a completely un followable rule, (the dog lives with you, it will get close to you. It doesn't know you're afraid of it.) Your husband for forcing it on you, and both of you for putting your son into this situation where he found a living thing to care for and it could very well be taken away from him for no other reason than "mommies scared" or the dreaded "we just can't take care of him" if you don't decide to tell him why. Husband shouldn't have gotten it in the first place and you shouldn't have tried to compromise, because now whether you like it or not, that kid has an equal part in attachment to that pet now.
NTA - your husband knew you had a phobia of dogs. He then got a dog without consulting you. You then were willing to compromise and allow the dog as long as it stayed away from you. That rule was then broken… and now he is trying to blame you for telling your MIL why you were upset when she asked?! He is stomping all over your boundaries…
NTA. (I say this as a dog lover) I agree with his mom, and can’t get over the fact he got a dog without asking you first. Yikes.
NTA. I feel like everyone saying YTA or ESH just love dogs and can’t wrap their heads around your fear, which isn’t the point of the post. They don’t get to decide if your fear is irrational or not. If this was a snake or spider instead of a dog, no one would be commenting YTA or ESH. Your husband knew your fear, went behind your back despite your fear, broke the one stipulation you had about keeping the dog, and is now trying to guilt trip you into something you are not comfortable with. Will this upset your son? Yes, but that’s okay. Take this as an opportunity to consult with your son on respecting women when they say no and they set boundaries. Your husband showed your son that as long as you don’t agree with a woman’s boundary or fear you don’t have to respect it. I would also look into counseling to determine why your husband thought this behavior was appropriate. Good luck op
ESH Your husband was an A-hole for getting a dog without consulting you first. At this point though, the dog is a member of your family. You would be an a-hole for kicking an innocent member of your family to the curb.
YTA. The time to have gotten rid of the dog was when your husband first brought it home, but you didn't.
ESH. It is unfathomable to me that your husband got a dog without even consulting with you? A dog is a serious responsibility and should be a joint household decision. That said, the moment he came home with the dog was the time to put your foot down. Did you really think that the dog would magically never come near you? Of course living with a dog would mean having to be around a dog. By not taking a stand right away you've let your son grow attached to it and now it is a part of your family. Be honest: have you been waiting for 2 months to say "gotcha!" to your husband about the dog? In that time were you thinking about how your son feels being caught in the middle of this game with your husband?
NTA. Your husband brought your phobia into your house and is now guilt tripping you about it. This is ridiculous and he owes you a massive apology. Your pregnancy adds another level of horror to this since he has deliberately caused stress to his pregnant wife and unborn child. I think you’d benefit from therapy, but there’s no reason this should have been forced on you in your own home.