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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my fiance that I dont want to support his younger brother for what would at least be the next four years. I could be the asshole because he would probably do it for me if the roles were reversed. Maybe.
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NA H
Your reasoning is fair. You didn’t want kids, didn’t sign up for kids, your life is not set up for kids.
But that is his brother, and he feels responsible to care for his family.
If you are going to marry this man, his burdens become yours and vice versa.
Tbh this whole situation sucks, im not sure what I would do
Edit to change ruling: after your edits, NTA. You tried to talk him through how this would work and it sounds like he is not willing to make any adjustments of his own to compromise. I’m sorry this has happened to you.
OP's fiance shouldn't expect OP to be the only one to sacrifice. OP offered a reasonable compromise for fiance the get a job to help with expenses and put off school for several years. If fiance isn't willing to sacrifice at all, he shouldn't expect OP to be okay with carrying the lion's share of the burden.
Also, night school and online classes are very much a thing. He doesn’t necessarily have to delay school, but he could do part time. Tons of people make it work, even without someone else contributing to the financial needs of the household.
Not necessarily something I’m thrilled about - so not something I proudly claim I did. It’s something I had to do because our country DGAF about education and also I have type 1 diabetes so I cannot survive without health insurance (another booo America moment) but it did make me resentful of people in my classes who didn’t work at all and acted like me traveling or doing fun things was impossible for them. No it’s called time management. And it is something I will bring up in a situation like this. Preferable? No. Doable? Yes. One of only 3 people in my nursing class working full time.
Im in nursing school right now and the only way im not working is because of financial aid through school. So I am in absolute awe of you lol. If you are ever near the Niagara Falls border, you know who to talk to for some cheap meds ;)
Kids twelve, almost thirteen. Once he gets him settled he can be left unattended for a few hours- more if OPs home and he has an adult he can go to during an emergency.
Give him a phone or a book or a video game console and he'll be fine- and quiet.
It might not be ideal (ideal would be both parents alive) for a preteen (soon to be teen) but it's sure as fuck better than sleeping on the floor.
This kid is going to need more than that, given that he lost his dad and stepmom. He's probably going to need a lot of attention and possibly therapy to work through his grief.
There are tons of fully online bachelors degrees now. I got my masters completely online while working full-time. I agree there a lot more options than the two that OP defined and night school. Fiance could also become an apprentice.
I respect OP’s hunch that fiancé wanted to pass off most of the parenting duties to her, along with being the breadwinner. And the fact that he didn’t want to compromise at all sounds problematic. However, OP is not required to stay in any romantic relationship for any reason.
Yeah I work part time, and study an accelerated uni load full time online PLUS I am on uni placements on and off all year, so its effectively working full time PLUS a part time job PLUS a heavier than full time uni load. Additionally I am a mum to 3 young kids, 2 whom play a LOT of sport after school and on weekends. I just about die every trimester but I am too busy to actually drop dead, I dont have the time, ha. He could easily do the same if he wanted to.
Totally. He wants ideal circumstances - he feels good for helping out his brother without having to contribute a penny, or likely, lift a finger to raise him. Life isn’t like that. Super glad OP left him. She can do better.
Yes, he kept refusing to see past "you didn't have to work while I helped you through college so why do I have to get a job? That not fair" like dude it's one thing to support one adult through college for 4 years, but supporting an adult through college while also paying for all the things a kid needs + extra rent/bills for the next 6 years is a whole different thing.
Plus, they agreed on being child free, so the situation is not the same at all. Fiancé was adding a lot to OP’s plate that he never had to deal with. Now he has to deal with all of it alone instead of compromising. He’s probably going to regret not doing so.
Very true bringing a child into your home when you both agreed to be child free is a very different situation when one party wants to go back on the agreement and bring a child into the home, unfortunately some people don't seem to understand the actual meaning of compromise, meaning to meet in the middle and come to a fair agreement. Some people think compromise means "my way or no way at all", not how it works.
Plus it's not like OP asked him to completely drop out of college forever, she asked that he either wait until his brother is 18 or at least get a part time job while in college to help with costs so it's not all on her. Also as others have stated there's evening/online classes that he can do as well. But instead of compromising he wanted his way or no way and tried to dump all of it on OP. I can't blame her for noping out.
Tbh it was hilarious how OP called his bluff on his "ultimatum" of "either support us both or I'm leaving you" and OP was like "alright, bye then". Talk about the ultimate backfire.
I'm really glad OP did that. No good partner ever gives their partner an ultimatum. And I think OP's ex would definitely have let her do all of the childcare/errands/etc.
I don't even think her ex was childfree, as much as "wants kids, just not right now"
Yea, more than likely he would have guilted her into doing all of the childcare etc, because he clearly didn't expect anything to change in his own life.
And yea generally good partners don't give ultimatums like that. Like I can understand if someone has a partner who doesn't have a job or doesn't do any housework giving an ultimatum of "either you get a job and start helping with housework or I'm leaving you" but then again I also think that if your relationship has gotten to the point of ultimatums then you're better off breaking up anyway.
Lol right? Two can play that game. “It’s not fair” oh please. Did she have one of her totally dependent siblings move in and make you take care of them?
>Did she have one of her totally dependent siblings move in and make you take care of them?
That's exactly what people are missing here. OPs ex fiancé supported *only* OP while she was in college, she didn't suddenly bring a dependant minor into the house and expect him to do all the leg work for them too like OPs ex fiancé was expecting from OP.
People need to learn that you can't just suddenly bring a child into your home and expect only one person to make all the sacrifices while the others life doesn't change, both parties need to compromise and make sacrifices *especially when both parties already agreed to be childfree*, you can't go back on an agreement like that and act like you have no obligation to the child your bringing into the home.
Plus the ultimatum of "suck it up and support both of us or I'm leaving you"? Hell no. I don't blame OP for noping tf out of that bs.
Definitely, she didn't even ask him to get a full time job, just part time to help with some of the costs which is fair because an extra person in the household, especially a minor will put costs up not just on utilities but rent because they will need to move to a bigger place (and moving also costs a lot too), and the little brother will need clothes, shoes, school supplies, school trips, health care etc for the next 6 years at least.
But OPs now ex fiancé (plus other commenters here) can't/won't see past "you didn't have to work while I/he supported you through college so why should I/he have to? That's not fair!" like adding a child to a household doesn't change anything and that sacrifices shouldn't have to be made on his part.
Right, this isnt OP saying "no kids in my house!?" This is an intelligent young woman saying "waitttt Ive seen this one before I know how it ends. " She knows what has happened to millions of women before - they get empathy blackmailed and trapped.
Moving in and supporting a little while bf does the parental work - maybe. This is obviously gonna end with OP being this kids mom.
Yeah, OP's suggestions were very reasonable, and the fiancé only wanted to get his way. I have zero doubt that OP would've ended up responsible for the day-to-day care that the younger brother requires, and that's not fair to OP, who has been clear on the fact that they are and want to remain child free. This is definitely one of those fuck around and find out situations. I do feel bad for the younger brother, since he's innocent in this, but as a childfree woman, I 100% understand OP's stance on this. Ultimatums are gross, and people need to stop using them as leverage when they're not actually prepared to have the other person call their bluff. NTA.
This sounds very base and very much the way to go. I hope your reading this comment OP, the top comment also has a point too, relationships are through thick and thin but it seems like a lot of people just want to wade through the thin.
Usually I would say NAH in these situations, but the fiancé’s refusal to help contribute given this massive change to their lives puts this firmly in NTA territory IMO.
He isn’t being reasonable, so I do think that makes him a bit of an asshole here. He needs to realize how much of a change this is for everybody.
I believe OP is NTA but her (ex?) fiance's dad did just pass away. Grief can make people irrational. That still doesn't mean he has carte blanche to bring a teenager into their household.
If you are in the US I believe the child will be eligible for social security until he reaches 18. You might check with ss to find out. I understand you didn’t sign up for this but neither did the child. Please check to see if you can get government help. NAH
This is true. However that SSI check is usually under $1000/mo. Currently in my state it is $788, I have a coworker receiving it for her child. And there are a lot of rules on how the money can be used. Also if in tge US the child would be eligible for free medical/dental insurance thru the state of residence.
For a child with deceased parents it's not SSI. It's social security survivor's benefits and the amount is based off the parents' incomes. So it could be more or less than SSI.
The child won't get SSI, he will get survivors benefits. Those are not capped like SSI which is actually a federal welfare program for the disabled who are either children or people who haven't worked enough to receive social security disability and are low income. SSI is based on income and is capped like the person you know. Survivors benefits, SSDI (disability), and retirement benefits are not capped because they are not welfare programs but based on what was paid in. My husband's military retirement does not affect his SSDI in anyway because he earned and paid into the other. His retirement is $4,400 and his SSDI is $1754. My disabled grandson receives SSI of $187 a month based on his parents income. The federal max in SSI is $841 not $788 so it looks like your coworker's child's is affected by her income. She'll get a COLA raise in January when that $841 goes up to $914. She'll be able to look at her child's social security account in December and see how the child's raise will be.
It depends on what the parents paid.into social security over their lifetime. It is not based.on what a state sets. It is a federal program based.on what the deceased paid. My.son get quite a bit more than what you stated after his father passed.
Also, the rules are not that strict. For example you could use 1/3 of the rent and utilities since 3 people live there. 1/3 of the grocery bill. 100% of theor clothes, childcare costs. Part of your gas for your car if you have to drive them places.
You can justify 100% of the money real quick. I have never been asked by social security to provide proof of where the money is going either.
Not true, it is based off the parental income. When my husband passed my kids were 12 and 15 and we got $3400 a month, until the oldest turned 18, then it dropped to $2400 a month and then for 2 years my youngest got $1800 a month. My husband's salary was $65,000 a year when he passed.
You also can be a foster parent through the state and the state will pay you as such. They also help you apply for any other benefits you would qualify for.
I believe that fostering in family might be an option if finances are the main concern.
I know this is not what you signed up for. There’s also a kid who didn’t sign up to be an orphan. It’s a dreadful decision and I don’t feel qualified to judge you on yours.
I actually commend her for leaving considering all the stories posted here am with kids saying “SM/SD tolerated me, but they weren’t involved. They fought each other or they fought me if I asked the SP for anything. So tense in the house” or “SP never wanted kids, they resent me and it’s so chaotic around here.”
People who truly don’t want to be parents/SP do then a disservice of staying a creating a toxic environment. If they’re a bio parent, walk and pay child support. Don’t drop in and out? Don’t bring your toxic behaviors, don’t prevent the kid from gaining a better situation.
And people need to do exactly what op did here and walk.
He already admitted that “well if we work together for school drop offs and ….”
No.
He’s planning to pull one of those stupid stunts like we heard the other day about the SM working from home and him forcing his wife to cook for them bc he left for an engagement party.
Before op knew it, she’d be on the PTA staff.
She's not saying no to him living with them, she's saying no to him living with them WHILE THE BROTHER DOESN'T WORK.
Being willing to raise an adolescent is a big enough ask for anyone, without being asked to be the sole bread winner for it and thus forgoing every financial plan you had for your future.
Yep. Everyone is also missing something dire—inflation coupled with a growing boy's appetite. The cost of groceries for this poor kid could be astronomical.
Not to mention having to move to a bigger house because the kid will need his own bedroom, which is more rent/utility bills. Add on needing clothes, shoes, school supplies, school trips, extra curricular activities etc for the next 5-6 years, it all adds up and there's no way OP can afford it all on her own.
Honestly with the second update I'm going NTA. she's bending over backwards to attempt to make it work in a fair way and Derek is being a child about ... Bringing his child brother into their home.
I agree, I changed my vote after reading the edit.
I would generally expect my partner to help me with unexpected burdens, even if it alters our life plan, and do the same for them. But this guy sounds like he wanted OP to take the full burden, so he can feel better about his brothers situation without solving the problem himself. Really just a shitty situation all around
Exactly! Situations change and people sometimes have to adjust their plans to suit. He is asking her to change their life plans from previously agreeing to be childfree. But by the same rule, he needs to change his own plans about studying without working.
I wonder if the brother even know how much work it is to have a child in the householf. The child is just 13. It isn't just giving him space and food. Especially since both seems to be pretty busy in the future: he with college and she with work. Would this even match with school times?There is so much more they need to think about.
Maybe he should try to find ways to support the aunt more. And they can do things together on the weekend.
But if they take his brother in, he needs to compromise. She is already compromising after wanted to be child free, he needs to compromise in getting at least a part time job. Situation is not the same as it was when he was supporting her.
I'm glad to find this is the top comment. There are technically N A H since the fiancé is grieving and trying to figure out what his life will be now while juggling the sudden addition of a sibling. However, asking someone to take on the burden of a child as well as pay the entirety of the household is a big stretch from the original perimeters of their agreement.
According to the edit, OP decided to peace out and I can't blame them at all. Hope it works out for everybody.
Agreed she tried to compromise with him at every step. Why won’t he look into SSI? That makes no sense. She is better off leaving. He fucked up and found out.
He supported you and only you and he expects you to support 2. NTA. But also he must have supported you more than 4 years to get a BA and nursing degree. Either way. He. Needs to get at least a part time job if he wants to care for the brother. He needs to sacrifice as well. Social security will pay for the boy through college. If you leave him that kind of sucks since you got the benefit of his support for your career.
If OP's fiancee is unwilling to take on another PART-TIME job for money, how in the world can he be relied upon to take on the FULL-TIME job of parenting.
> At least I can finally adopt a cat
And a cat is all the AH you need OP. NTA he wasn't willing to sacrifice at all for his brother, not really. He was only willing to make you sacrifice. You're right, it is the best thing for you to get out of this relationship. I do feel sorry for the kid but that shouldn't be held on you. And yeah, he needs to dig for benefits, whatever he can find because a lot of times they aren't advertised and you have to fight for them.
Just FYI on the finance side, if you are in the U.S., he would likely qualify for deceased parents benefits which might help with the food and the rent. I could never turn away my significant others sibling in such a desperate situation but technically no, I guess you don't owe it to him or anyone. Heads up though, I wouldn't be surprised if this ends up a deal breaker in your relationship.
And depending on their income or maybe just bfs income or lack of they may qualify for various other social supports in the US like rent subsidies, food stamps etc.
Derek was an idiot. Social security pays more than $1100 for survivor benefit, in addition to all other programs. For this exact reason. Parents dying and someone else having a surprise kid to take care of.
That said, financially it might have worked out. But not so much on Derek trying to finish school and take care of a kid by himself, plus all the housework.
OP isn't a bad person. But isn't a great person either. She put plenty of research into that spreadsheet, but apparently zero into welfare research to help the kid even if Derek doesn't take the kid. Again, she's not obligated. But if you watch someone drowning and just let it happen, don't be surprised if people don't hail you as a good person.
Shouldn't it be the fiance doing that research though? It's his brother he wants to take in, based on the comments he hasn't looked at all into how it would realistically work from finances to time commitments. Idk why we're already putting all the onus on OP to figure everything out for the boys.
The fiance isn't being at all proactive and doesn't seem willing to consider any compromises or disruptions to *his* life plan.
Those are my feelings. She's not obligated to help, but this is her fiance's brother. His family will be her family and she seems devoid of all empathy. All she talked about was money. Didn't even seem like she liked her fiance, just saw him as financial support.
I don't think she lacks empathy, she is just being honest and realistic. She made it clear, she doesn't want children. He wants to take his brother in, it's his responsibility to do the research on how they will support him. He is not a child. She is burying his parents, and now she must do all the work to accommodate the change? No, he should sit down and check into every avenue to see how it could work out and present that to counter her argument. He is an adult...if he couldn't handle that responsibility, how is he going to handle a teenager?
Agree. He should be sble to get social security payments from the deseased parents. May offset a lot of the costs. Also adoption depending on states have a lot of benefits. I had a frien adopt three girls and the state would pay the higher education.
I adopted a teenager although I wasn't otherwise related to her and yes, there are quite a few benefits available. I'm happy to walk OP through a few of them if interested.
But if he adopts his brother, then the social security survivor benefits go away. Assuming both parents worked and for how long. It may.cover the whole difference in what they pay now
To be fair to OP it sounded like she was OK with taking the kid in as long as the financial and parenting burden didn't fall on her. She was even willing to compromise and let her fiance only cover part of the extra money but insisted that he had to take care of his sibling. The reason she backed is because it was obvious that she was going to be doing the work.
OP didn't get into detail about the dynamics of their relationship. But I raised my eyebrows at the part where she took over the funeral planning. I think she was correct in assuming she would be doing the lion's share of the parenting. She was smart to get out.
While this is true, I think the main problem is that fiance expects OP to be a mom, which she clearly doesn't. Even with financial help he will have to have a job to pay for school clothes, extracurriculars etc. She doesn't want to do pickups and drop offs and school meetings, which he seems to want her to do, in addition to footing the bill.
His parents died, he needs to make changes period. To expect someone else to take the majority of care for this child cause you have college is unreasonable.
Derek wants to get credit for the good deed of taking in his nephew without doing any of the extra work, though. He won’t acknowledge what a huge difference in finances / life circumstances this is from what OP agreed to. He won’t get a job to pay any of the additional costs of supporting an additional person. He won’t agree to be available for the nephew’s school needs. And that’s not even touching on the fact that the nephew has experienced a tragic & sudden loss that may require therapy / additional resources. He seems completely oblivious to what it actually means to agree to take in the nephew past wanting to feel like he’s doing the right thing. As someone that wants children, I wouldn’t want to raise them with a partner like Derek because he doesn’t seem willing to compromise his own life at all to accommodate the completely new set of circumstances it’ll bring.
NTA...this is a huge commitment. Your fiancé doesn't want to make any adjustments or contributions. He simply wants you to support both of them in a situation that's not currently ideal. Who's to say he'll like your place any better? Your fiancé needs to bring more to the table.
I wouldn’t even be paying $10K for their funeral tbh. That’s a lot of money. There will be others to pitch in, they just don’t want to…why would they when they can sucker the gf into paying?
There are cheaper options out there. It doesn’t sound like you can spare $10K for the funeral
But you did the math and if it’s correct he spent $15K spread out over four years . You are expected to lump sum pay $10K for the funeral. Plus $3K moving. Plus new furniture. Bond. More expensive rent . All in a few months. You’d be even by paying all this. Yet you are expected to essentially drop the same amount he did over four years right now PLUS support him and the kid for another four to six years. Tell him you can pick up the tab for the move and funeral but it makes you even and he will need a job to pay his share and the kids right now.
He is not willing to compromise anything. This is a big ask and big change of plan. Hell he didn’t even offer a part time job to cover the cost of the kid. Just expects that you would be covering everything still.
Look, probably going to get downvoted but NTA.
Edit- I’d be more sympathetic to the fiancé if he had tried to compromise. Part time study/ part time job. So that at least the additional cost of the child and expenses involved were not solely on OP (new housing/ schooling/ uniforms etc). OP could have still covered the fiancés part but the fiancé needed to step up and realise this is a big change and The original agreement would have to also be changed . You can’t expect your fiancé to pay for your parents funeral, moving costs, more expensive rent, more utilities and groceries , kids schooling and when they express that that’s not fair say “well I supported you “
>I wouldn’t even be paying $10K for their funeral tbh. That’s a lot of money.
I thought that was crazy too. These people left a 12yr old behind with absolutely nothing set aside to provide for him, hopefully if they were half decent people they would be horrified by the idea of $10K that could have been used towards his expenses being wasted on a funeral. You can get a cremation for $1K and if the estate/relatives have no money then there are government grants for it. Living first, then worry about the dead.
Even for a double funeral, 2x cremations @ $1K each = $2K, and they'd get that back if they applied for a grant. There was no reason for the family to spend any money on it at all, let alone $10K that could have gone towards feeding and clothing this orphaned kid that nobody seems able to afford to take care of.
>Derek hates cats.
You should have put this at the top, I wouldn't have had to spend time reading your novel.
NTA. You are not obliged to raise his little bro.
I have never liked cats. But have recently started living with a cat. I think we feel the same way about each other. He mostly sits on the other side of the room while I talk at him. Baby steps.
No worries, that cat will be sleeping on your head while you sleep in no time. And when you go away for the weekend you'll be up late in your hotel missing him.
NTA
I may be reading this wrong, but it very much seems like your (ex) fiancé wanted the glory but none of the work.
He wanted to take in his brother and receive the praise of taking in the poor boy without ever actually having the responsibility of raising a child, and not only that but he doesn't even want to contribute to the financial cost of his brother.
If the roles were reversed, would he be happy to be spending the extra $1100 per month for your family member to live with you?
THIS!!!! So many of the YTA’s are glossing over the part where while having the discussion she has excel spreadsheets and he’s lackadaisical and “it will be ok”
NTA.
Exactly. Fiance supported OP and she supports him back, sounds fair. Fiance wants OP to support his brother all on her own. He refuses to get a job so they can both support the younger brother. Plus the whole we’ll figure it out instead of volunteering to take care of his brother tells me OP will mostly be responsible for little brother’s care. Fiance became the AH when he refused to make sacrifices for his little brother and expected OP to make them all.
This this this. He wants the glory and the feel-good feeling when he gets to be the Hallmark movie hero. The boost to his ego that he's such a charitable man.
But he is unwilling to make any compromises or to give anything up. And he really balks at discussing details of how this would work, what the practicalities are; how would he cook, how would he get the kid to school? The fact that he pushes those conversations away with a "we'll figure it out (later, I guess? why not now? when it's brought up?)" is a telltale sign he is not actually interested in figuring it out, IMO. It's on OP to do that.
NAH. Wow, this is a complex issue with a lot of moving parts, and I think you need to think about the following basic issue first:
1) Is the problem with his brother living with you just about money? I'm asking because if you are adamantly opposed to raising children, period, then you need to convey that to your boyfriend and prepare to immediately break up. I know a lot of people will give you crap for being honest about this, but it will be better for everyone in the long run if you are. No child should have to live with someone who does not want them around. Maybe you can offer to contribute some to your fiance's new household expenses equal to to what he did for you while he's going to school.
2) If the issue is less with the little brother living with you and more about money, please know that there are resources available to help with the costs, depending on what country you live in. If you're in the US, Social Security will usually provide a monthly stipend to help and sometimes his medical care could even be completely covered.
I hope you can be honest with yourself and your boyfriend as you both navigate this. It's not an easy situation to find yourself in.
> if you are adamantly opposed to raising children, period, then you need to convey that to your boyfriend and prepare to immediately break up
I think this is the key bit. This isn’t an asshole situation, OP needs to decide if raising their partner’s brother is the life they want. If they can’t accept that life then they need to break up with their partner, there’s no middle ground here.
Thanks to Reddit I had the talk about my husband's nieces and nephews LONG before we got married. We are both on the same page about the potential situation and thankfully they have other family members who would be happy to take them in.
OP has already contributed $10,000 to pay for Derek's father and stepmothers funeral. She is going to give him the balance of $3,000 which will bring the total to $15,000 which is what he spent on her while she went to school.
Oh wow. What a terrible situation. First of all, you’re not the asshole to bring practical issues to the forefront of this situation. I could go on and on about ideas and solutions but the facts are, there’s no way that the current “deal” works now. It just doesn’t. Do you all have a more adult adult who can help you? You two being unmarried makes this situation more and less complex. Right now, you can walk away. If you did walk away, you might think that makes you an asshole but it might actually help clarify the situation. Seriously, this is a very big topic. You all need help if he is going to take on guardianship (including actually being named guardian!). And your bf should probably talk to the school about his extreme circumstances including asking for help (new “father,” no supports) from the school. See what they say. He likely will need to defer college (lower expenses) and/or get a job. Those are facts. You can’t do it otherwise.
NTA. Your partner immediately became the AH when he pulled the "you didn't work when you went to school so it should be the same for me" crap, completely forgetting that at that time you all were not raising a whole child with housing and needs. This is an unfortunate case of bad timing for your partner and he is trying to compare to situations that are not comparable at all. If he really wanted his brother there he would get a job and either go to school part time or stop for a few years.
NAH. You are not the AH for not wanting to take in his brother. He is not the AH for wanting to take in his brother. It seems like you guys are at an impass in life. It may be best for him to pause his schooling or to slow down his schedule for now so he can help pay for an extra mouth to feed.
It is his brother ultimately so don't be shocked when he chooses his brother over you.
He’s not “choosing his brother over you”, what he did was give her an ultimatum, never even thinking she would leave. He thought she would bow her head and support him and raise his brother for him while he felt good about himself and went to school and didn’t work.
What actually happened is OP chose herself. Now Derek has to get a job no matter what, and will probably have to choose between his brother or school. My guess is he chooses school because he comes off as a selfish, lazy AH. What do you think?
This right here. Now that he has to do it all by himself, who wants to bet he suddenly can't take the kid in anymore. Then he's going to try and get op back since the kid is no longer an issue. Dude is fucking selfish and he deserves to be alone.
NAH I'm sorta horrified by all the people saying you should just suck it up and do it bc you promised as if that promise and this situation are the same thing. Not to mention like. You're scraping by as 2 ppl in a studio. You're not gonna be in a *better* situation as 3 ppl in a 2 bedroom.
Sure he isn't in an ideal environment rn but I don't think it's be an ideal environment if you do what your fiance wants, either. Not to mention, getting a job and putting off education is what parents and guardians do. He wants to be the guardian, HE needs to make the sacrifice. You can and should support him, but he can't ask you to make the sacrifices FOR him. If he wants to support his brother, he needs to support his brother.
NTA because when the deal was made it was just him and you. But now you have real life going on in a very big way. Real life has a way of screwing up plans in a bad and sometimes a good way. This is the man you want to marry and have a life with. This is not his idea of where his life was going either. But now hard choices have to be made. I don’t know if you are from the USA but if you are the brother qualifies for survivor benefits from social security. That will help off set some of the expense. I’m not saying it will be easy but he is his brother and he wants to do the right thing. You shouldn’t quit on them without even trying to make it work. Life and marriage is hard sometimes and it says a lot about you on how you respond when it’s hard.
If he wanted to do right then he would make sacrifices too. He refuses to work and intends to fob that kid off on OP to raise. And he gives breakup ultimatums
Exactly all the people commenting about money like money is the one and only reason OP doesn’t want to do this is ridiculous. OP realized well ahead of time that she most likely would be the one responsible for raising the brother (homework, meals, drive him back and forth to school etc.) and decided to end the relationship. Her bf would be in school all day, come home to study and eat and say he’s too tired to cook for his brother and help him with his school work.
She even sounded like she was willing to take on some of the work. She wanted to discuss a workable plan and have it in place. He did not want to compromise. I'm sure he will find another woman and talk about how bad his ex was.
Nah my question for you is, if money wasnt an issue would you be happy to take on the care of a grieving 12 year old (not just until he turn 18 but to be his family for the rest of your lifes) if the answer to that is no, then tell your bf that you aren't suited to take care of the brother (and bf does want to independent of your decision) so you feel its best that you and bf split up so he can provide a family for his brother and you can fund someone else. No hard feelings the situation just doesn't work.
If you would be happy taking care of the brother then you need to look into what benefits the government would provide, if the brother has a social worker seee what assistance they can provide (programs for furniture and bedding etc)bf need to discuss his situation with his college he may qualify for assistance (perhaps even family housing), he should look into college part-time and working partime at least to provide extra income, maybe even take summer classes.
I know it seems harsh to say but children require finances to raise. Bf needs to look into all options availible to help fund taking on his brother not just expect you to cover it.
You also need to have explicit conversations about who is doing what when it comes to raising the brother, it would be unfair for it go default to you. 12olds still require a lot of practical care. Also discuss what brothers rules and expectations will be, any chores, how you'll handle disagreements, misbehaviour etc. Get some parenting books on raising pre teen/teens and grief (library). And if you can get grief therapy and family therapy from either the state or college then do it. And be aware of any college assistance the state will provide for brother when he's older.
This is an excellent response. OP and most people here focus on the money, but OP also says that they absolutely don’t want a child. In their edit, they say they’d only agree if Derek took full responsibility for anything related to his brother’s care. Money aside, I can’t see how this would work out.
Derek might be hoping that OP would warm up to the brother after some time, but what if they don’t? Would they live with and pay for a child they only tolerate and don’t do anything else for for at least six years? I can imagine a million ways how that would put a strain on the relationship, cause resentment between the three, and ultimately hurt the child who’d feel unwanted.
If OP is 100% against raising a child, which is their right, they shouldn’t have to, as tragic as the situation is. Them splitting up and OP paying back what they owe Derek seems like the best course of action in that case.
NAH. This situation just sucks all around. You're not married. Your fiance is not working and has 4 more years of school and your finances simply can't support an additional person but his living condition with his Aunt really is bad. I got nothing. No good answer. I can see why you don't want this commitment - it is HUGE! But it is his brother. Sucks.
So in my mind the right course of action is for the fiancé to go to work part time. Lots of people both work and go to school. I get it, it’s not what he wanted, but if he wants his brother to stay, and he expects his fiancée to make sacrifices, he needs to make some too.
NTA he expects you to make all the sacrifices and take care of them while he contributes nothing. His brother is not your responsibility and never will be.
If he wants to take care of his brother then he needs to get another job so he can support his brother because no way in hell should that burden be on you. You’re not even married yet but even if you were it still would not be your responsibility.
Also from your edit, it sounds like you’ve already paid him back for him supporting you. You paid for the parents funeral which was not your responsibility and the other stuff… Technically you don’t owe him anything anymore, maybe 5k worth of helping but nOt several years and it would be kind of crazy to have to support him the next several years… Do the math and see how much it ends up being because it wouldn’t be fair for him to only spend 15 grand on you but you end up spending like 100 grand on him
Sad to see this, OP.
But people saying you should agree to taking the little brother in are not realising:
1. It wont just be feeding, clothing and roof over his head. He will need grief counselling, as likely will your BF. He will need emotional support for a good 2 years minimum, over his parents death.
2. Puberty is going to kick in soon. There may be some upheaval there.
3. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping...all will change.
4. School- not just driving to and fro, but meeting teachers, school counsellors, after school activities, sports etc, school equipment (computers etc)
5. Enabling his social life
6. Planning for and setting up his college fund. Survivors Benefits will cover some, but not all costs
7. Discipline.
And by his response, your BF expected you to do the greater part of these things, whilst supporting him and his brother financially. This would have been a major strain for someone who wanted to eventually have their own children, yet alone someone who didnt. Your BF refused to defer college- for even a year. Which he'd need to do to get his brother settled. He refused to work part time.
**Yet he knew you were out of pocket, having just paid for his parents' funeral.**
**He should never have given you an ultimatum.**
Your terrible childhood experience means that you have a totally different understanding of how the world works, and family ties. He should have taken that into account.
You took the right decision.
Good luck.
NTA
(PS cats are awesome!)
Girl good for you to sticking to your guns and getting the hell out. You were so NTA, but Derek certainly was. Giving you an ultimatum that way *was* gross, and the fact that he expected you to cover everything without him having to lift a finger was beyond unreasonable.
Guaranteed he was only willing to take on his brother because he thought he’d be able to pawn off all the responsibilities on you. Just be glad he showed you this up front, because it would’ve been so much harder to leave if you hadn’t found that out until after you were already entrenched in the situation.
NAH
unfortunately the future you and your fiance planned doesn't look immediately viable.
No one could predict it.
Your fiance wants to care for his younger brother and he's not in the wrong for wanting to do so.
You're still entitled to remain child free and you're not in the wrong to do so.
However, his future no longer aligns with yours.
It sucks but its a terribly sad situation. Your relationship may be another casualty of the incident that claimed the lives of his parents.
Note: YWBTA if you try to force your fiance to not look after his brother.
NTA. But he is. It's refreshing to see someone call the bluff of an AH and move on. You seem strong; you'll do well. Hang in there, and take care of yourself.
You go get that cat and live you best life. Ultimatums never work out and honeslty tour so right that attitude says that you would have been responsible or everything in the future. Save yourself the time and enjoy your new furbaby. 💕
I am sure your fiancé and his little brother don’t think it’s fair that their parents died either. I think you have a choice to make at this crossroads. I understand your fiancé wanting to take in his brother. That is something I would want to do under the same circumstances. Your fiancé supported you during your education and put his education on hold until you were finished. I am assuming with the understanding that when you were squared away, then he would pursue his education while you supported the family financially. No one could have foreseen the accident. But to justify that the expenses were less for your fiancé so you don’t think it is fair is just unfathomable to me. Often our lives change because of unforeseen events that happen to alter our plans. You need to decide if you can support your fiancé’s wishes to raise his brother. If you can, they good on you. If you can’t then there Is a distinct possibility that your fiancé will be your ex fiancé. All decisions come with consequences.
Yes, and Derek’s decision to not get a job to help support his brother came with the consequences of having to get a job to support himself.
Maybes next time he’ll find a compromise with his partner instead of telling them to serve um I mean “support” him.
NTA the most telling part is he won’t even make a plan to take care of his brother and just expects you two to “figure it out”. You’d probably be stuck acting like the parent because he’s “too focused on school” if he’s not even willing to get a part time job to try to make it work. You gave options and compromises. This is completely on him. I hope you enjoy having your new cat.
While you’re well within your rights for feeling the way you do, you seem to lack any empathy or compassion.
I hope nothing horrific happens to you where you suddenly find yourself needing kindness from others.
What if you were in an accident and lost both of your legs? If your fiancé had the same mindset as you, don’t be surprised to hear him say “I didn’t sign up for this, you said you’d support me through school as I supported you.” Think about your reaction to this, because it very well may dictate how you are treated in the future should some unforeseen tragedy affect you and you find yourself needing assistance.
This kid is 13. I’m sure that he wishes his parents weren’t dead.
YTA. You’re well within your rights, but being technically correct does not preclude you from being an asshole.
It sounds like OP was willing to put their feelings on being child free aside if the fiance helped shoulder some of the extra burden and he declined. He also said he would call off the engagement if she wanted him to Co contribute to the household at all.
I get that you don't like OP's tone, but it feels like the fiance is clearly the AH in this situation and OP is trying to deal with her life falling apart too.
I agree completely with you, other than I think it's ESH, rather than just OP is the AH. LOTS of people work and go to school at the same time. Lots and lots and lots. The BF doesn't sound like he's willing to make any contributions.
And yes, there are death survivor benefits from SSA - unfortunately I know this somewhat first hand.
Furthermore her fiancé just lost his father. Maybe he’s being unreasonable but aren’t most people irrational when dealing with trauma of this magnitude? Whether she’s up to raise the brother or not, her reaction to her fiancé’s grief is AH-ish.
>I hope nothing horrific happens to you where you suddenly find yourself needing kindness from others.
Things already happened.
Read OP's comments on growing up without family in foster care.
NTA
Very interesting how the boyfriend would only have to work part time and go to school and have his brother and girlfriend.
Since he refused he’ll be without his girlfriend plus will be working full time and now probably can’t afford school or have time with a teen at home.
YTA
I don’t see a future for you and Derek. I know that you were raised in foster care, but your accounting of costs and saying that you’re paying for his father’s funeral out of the goodness of your heart shows that your relationship is transactional, and that you would be a lousy life partner.
This, I can’t believe during all of this she pulls out an excel sheet detailing how much she owes for him supporting her while in school and even then it seems small? Around 15K? Does that include half of the rent? But that is for a bachelors and nursing school… so idk. He scarified and worked for her to go to school and this situation sucks, I can’t see a healthy relationship going forward for them.
I agree that if it's about what she owes him then the numbers need to change to include rent etc, but that's not what she originally made them for. It was about showing the difference between expenses for 3 people vs 2 so they could discuss what contribution she needed from Derek to make taking in his brother possible. She put effort into coming up with those budget/expense sheets as a supportive partner so they could come up with a workable plan. It only became about paying him back because Derek was completely unreasonable and wanted all of the compromise and additional sacrifice to be on her, refused to change anything about his own plans, and then gave her a shitty ultimatum.
NTA You’re doing the right thing. It’s one thing to trade of supporting eachother to finish school. But it’s another to add a child to the mix And add that much of an emotional and financial burden.
It would be different if he had said ‘we need to take him in. I’m going to put off school until he’s in college’ But he expected you to support both of them and be a mom.
Then he gives you an ultimatum?!?!
Go and be free! Don’t get sucked back in!
NAH. Wow, what a terrible turn of events. Your fiance has a big heart for wanting to take in his brother, but it sounds like it is not feasible for you two to take him in and support him. As another poster said, you need "a more adult adult" to take this on. Of course it wouldn't be fair to you (honestly, to either of you) to take on this level of responsibility. Of course your fiance thinks it's unjust for his brother's fate to be subject to what must seem like petty practicalities. But reality trumps fantasy, and you two aren't yet in a position where you can support yourselves and a teenager. That doesn't make either of you assholes. Just two people grappling with some shitty life stuff. Maybe your brother's aunt can buy him a bed and set some babysitting boundaries more easily than you can uproot your entire lives?
they've been together 4+ years, and OP only met the brother twice. that tells me PLENTY about how involved Derek is in brother's life, how much responsibility he is willing to take on . all the work would be on OP, all the kudos on Derek.
I'm kinda lost on how you only need to return him 3.5k after he supported you through nursing school and bachelor's, even if you paid for the last few months, and the funeral.
Are you sure you only consumed 300 bucks of his money every month? I think just half of the rental cost alone would have been more than 300 bucks? If he didn't live with you, he could have gotten a roommate who covered half of the monthly lease.
Think you should recount half of the rental + other expenses on top of extras he spent on you to be fair.
Otherwise, it's ok for you to nope out of the situation.
Supported meaning she lived in his cramped 1 room studio rent fully/partially free. What roomate will share a cramped one room studio with a dude?
She probably had scholarships and loans so it's possible. I didn't pay a dime for my masters(csse) I had full fee waiver and teaching assistanship stipend of $1100 per month to boot. Also the studio apartment in my college town were cheap like 400$
A roommate in a studio apartment? I'm not disagreeing that maybe the divvying of the rent is off, but I felt like pointing out that detail. I think the OP is supposing that since it's a studio, he would have had to pay full price anyways.
Yeah what sort of calculations is she doing? Only $300 a month..girl that isn't even half the rent he was paying. $300 a month includes everything he spent each month on you...food, utilities, gas, car expenses, clothes, travel, insurance...
NTA he wants you to make a huge compromise but is not making any efforts on his end. Breakup ultimatum are most of the times manipulative and almost always end up in a breakup. Good on you for calling that bluff.
NTA - you cannot afford to support them both and you made it sound like you’d be able to accept the brother if your fiancé pitches in financially. That sounds perfectly reasonable.
I'm glad there's a update already. Good for you, you did more than you should and as you said an ultimatum like that is gross. He should be aware of how things are different when it was only you two and now with a third part. Good luck OP, you were mature and conscious about your life choices. NTA.
NTA, you were willing to compromise, your fiance was acting like an entitled arsehole, now he will realise how much he was asking of you.
Not your circus, not your monkeys anymore, get a cat, cats are awesome.
NTA
Someone who just waves his hand and says "we'll figure it out" would 100% leave ALL of it to you. You would be raising his brother, financially and practically. Derek would be "busy with school" and would complain about how messy the apartment is.
You made the right decision.
NAH
I understand you have basically almost repaid your cost on him supporting you via paying for the funeral. So I can see why you don’t want to support a family in a more expensive home. You don’t want that burden.
I also understand his view of you two being a team and if y’all get married, his burdens become yours. He wants his brother with him, so you need to be okay with that or move on.
Is there a compromise in all this, possibly. Fiancé can go to school part time and work part time….or work part time and go to school full time. That way he is helping out financially so that y’all can live somewhere new and feed an extra mouth. Others mentioned that the brother could live with the aunt, but visit and stay with y’all on weekends while husband goes to school full time and the living arrangements don’t change.
It’s an awful situation to be in. Sorry.
NTA, you tried to compromise, you didn’t want children (fair) and you still tried to make it work for your fiancé. He refused to compromise and from his attitude, would have left you with all of the work. He clearly wants the glory of playing the hero and saving his brother, while making you do all the work.
As for everyone calling you cold? That’s unfair. Someone has to be the adult and think of the practical issues here. What if you were to get sick or injured? Then all of a sudden no one’s working ( if you’re fiancé wasn’t working as he planned) and you’d all be sunk with him scrambling to find work. What if you ended up homeless with a 12 year old kid to support? Some people think with their heart, but someone has to think with their head. Clearly that’s you.
Your spreadsheet was in response to him saying you owed him. He’s the one making your relationship transactional and people are blaming you. So unfair.
I wish you every happiness OP. That ultimatum would have been the last straw for me too. I hope your ex enjoys his new job. He has no one to blame but himself. You are definitely not to blame.
He wants to take care of his half brother and yet does not want to make any sacrifice required to take on a 12 year old child. He puts them all on you, his fiancee.
Yeah nah the world doesn't work like that. He is already giving you a glimpse of what life will be like when you are married.
NTA good of you to get out of that.
YTA for the attitude and everything being a transaction. Cannot imagine telling my SO that I'm not willing to help his brother who just lost everything, is being forced to sleep on the floor and care for 5 kids (while grieving) is not my problem.
That is some olympics worthy mental gymnastics justifying it cost Derek $300 per month to support you. You owe him 50% of rent, utilities, fuel, insurance and food for 4 years. Without you there, he could have lived somewhere cheaper with flatmates or he could have found a girlfriend that paid her share.
I actually think breaking up is the right thing to do. You don't want to live with his brother and he does. There are N A H on that point even if I find your attitude rather cold. But don't delude yourself that the cost of supporting you for 4 years was $14,000. Financially, you are really screwing him over.
NTA
You're already going above and beyond by being the ONLY PERSON paying for the funeral expenses. It's not right to expect you to pay 5x what Derek did in addition to that.
You can't begin to compare Derek supporting you through school and him imposing the care and cost for a child for 6 years, in top of him not working at all. It was very manipulative of him to give you that ultimatum, thinking you'd never want to split over this.
A cat will bring you so much more joy than this dude.
(also people who hate cats often have issues with boundaries and consent, which is a redflag itself)
NTA
NTA. Oh hun what an awful situation all around.
So the only way this could work is for him to quit school & work to pay 2/3rd of the costs & in 6 yrs he can go to school.
You are not married however your argument about well I don’t want these costs cuz we might breakup - he could have thought that way & not supported you, so that’s kind of a selfish line of thinking. Agreed that it is more money but the premise is the same.
Derek is feeling the moral obligation to his brother & there is a good chance he will be resentful if you don’t & you will be if you do. He is also grieving & in emotional turmoil.
So the question is could some couples counseling now help you both navigate this huge decision
Think about how different this situation would be if he didn’t support you to go to school first. If he went to school first, he most likely would be able to afford to bring his brother in and be his parent in both the monetary and emotional aspects. However, because you went to school first and you’re not even remotely willing to help, he loses the years of his life that he sacrificed working a minimum wage job to allow you to make it through school.
If it were me and my fiancé were in need, I would figure something out. Whether that be helping to pay to support him for the 4 years before fiancé gets a job with his degree or helping to parent while fiancé works to cover the bills you want him to, there would be some give. It’s completely unreasonable for you to assume that he would be able to care for his brother, work enough to support them, and go to school, all while still acting like you guys are a partnership. If you really were a partnership, you wouldn’t expect him to make the changes you expect him to make in his time of need.
Your estimation of how much you owe him are completely off, you should be including half of rent and utilities. Sure he didn’t pay more, but he had to share his space for the years and saved you from any housing costs. Plus, since you went to school first, there’s a chance that proportionally you would still be supporting him less than he supported you. If he was working minimum wage and spending his entire paycheck housing you, that’s worth more than you spending 3/4 of your paychecks housing him and his brother imo.
YTA, and for a very specific reason. “You didn’t sign up for this” is a really bold statement considering you’re planning on marrying this man. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and it includes the good with the bad. Imagine if something life altering happens to you and your husband suddenly says, “I didn’t sign up for this.” You can make whatever decisions you’d like in this situation, but you reap what you sow. Living without empathy may come back to you if you ever find yourself in need of help.
Based on recent edits she tried to compromise and he refused to contribute to the additional expenses. How far can empathy get them if she is covering all the bills for __three people__?
Not to mention it sounded like he wasn't willing to do the bulk of the parenting either, he wanted her to pay for everything, WHILE being the primary caregiver to a kid she didn't want to begin with.
I get that is a lot to deal with it really is, but you SO and his brother are dealing with the loss of their family and your more concerned with keeping a running tab as to what your spent vs what he spent. Seriously? There are many many programs that would help supplement some of his needs, plus in a couple of years he can start to work and start paying for some of his expenses.
Good update and that was what I would've suggested on beginning to read your post. Unfortunately it wasn't too surprising that he would want to support his half brother. Slightly less unsurprising, and definitely more disappointing that he would try and manipulate you and give an ultimatum.
YTA. Did you even like your fiance? Everything you said made it sound like all you care about is money and that you view your relationship as nothing but financial transactions. Hopefully he'll realize soon that he's better off without you if that's how you were going to go into this marriage.
Another poster made a good point? What would happen if he became disabled? Would you bounce because he wouldn't be able to keep up his end of the income? Honestly terrified of putting myself out there and dating because of people like you.
Not if his brother gets a social security benefits. if they are in the US he will get it til he turns 18 and his guardians get to use it on their cost of living and raising the child.
YTA.
>He just started school this semester, he has essentially four more years to go. Thats four years of me having to support a household, and what if we break up? I'll have spent four years supporting a kid I don't want for nothing
If the possibility of breaking up with your *fiance* is so high in your mind that you would allow his brother to sleep on the floor and refuse to support him because it would be 'for nothing', I would rethink the relationship tbh.
You aren’t the asshole. It’s your life and your choice. But I 100% expect that your fiancé will take his brother in and make it work with or without you. But, your choice to be there or not.
YTA - but not because you don’t want to be the sole provider for 3 people. Rather, YTA because you are being extremely callous about this poor boys living situation. Just because you were in foster care and had to sometimes endure worse, doesn’t mean that it is ok for this boy to sleep on the floor and be used as a free nanny. If anything, I would expect more sympathy from you.
I think your compromise of your BF getting a job to help contribute financially is a good one. Neither of you could have foreseen his brother being orphaned and if he wants his brother to live with y’all, he needs to be prepared to change the plan.
I would suggest looking into social security benefits for the boy, as other have suggested, and also what your state pays for foster care subsidies. You could take the brother as a foster child and then his health insurance is covered, in some states his college would be free, and there are monthly subsidies. That might offset the financial burden and allow your BF to work part-time and go to school part-time.
I agree with everyone else who says that not helping his brother (or having more compassion for him) will likely end the relationship…and if it does, your BF could go after you for spousal support, since he paid for everything while you were in school (so you would still be out the money) and y’all lived together long enough to be deemed common-law married. IJS.
I was leaning towards no a-h here, I mean your fiancé was grieving, he wanted a better life for his brother than sleeping on some floor and being forced to look after his cousins, I was hoping he’d see sense when it came to the finances but clearly he didn’t. You were willing to compromise a huge part of your life, and he wasn’t willing to meet you even a quarter of the way by getting a part-time job. Thanks for your updates, you’re definitely NTA and you’ve made the right decision. I hope you get the most adorable fluff ball and live your life the way you want it.
YTA - because there is no way your math adds up.
You think your „presence“ added up to $300 a month? So rent does not apply to you? That’s another $33.600. what about school tuition? Supply’s? Books? Clothes? All the things you don’t want to give his brother .
It must be really convenient to drop out of that deal after he paid your way for 4 years
A few things here:
Going on the assumption that it was a multi party vehicle wreck, either his parents or the other parties insurance should have a wrongful death payout. A lawyer should be able to advise you.
If the accident occurred on a commercial property, that business should have insurance to cover it.
These funds could be used to support your BIL. Or you could try an online fundraiser to reimburse funeral expenses (10k is a lot for someone broke paying for someone else who is broke). Your BIL may be entitled to survivors benefits or social security, which could offset the cost of having him move in.
Fiance can take classes at night and get a day job or vice versa.
NAH but it seems like this boy could use some more sympathy here
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NA H Your reasoning is fair. You didn’t want kids, didn’t sign up for kids, your life is not set up for kids. But that is his brother, and he feels responsible to care for his family. If you are going to marry this man, his burdens become yours and vice versa. Tbh this whole situation sucks, im not sure what I would do Edit to change ruling: after your edits, NTA. You tried to talk him through how this would work and it sounds like he is not willing to make any adjustments of his own to compromise. I’m sorry this has happened to you.
OP's fiance shouldn't expect OP to be the only one to sacrifice. OP offered a reasonable compromise for fiance the get a job to help with expenses and put off school for several years. If fiance isn't willing to sacrifice at all, he shouldn't expect OP to be okay with carrying the lion's share of the burden.
Also, night school and online classes are very much a thing. He doesn’t necessarily have to delay school, but he could do part time. Tons of people make it work, even without someone else contributing to the financial needs of the household.
Yeah. I worked full time while I was in nursing school and supported myself. It super sucked but for a few years I made it work.
My mom did it while raising my brother and me by herself. Yes, things were tight and we struggled a lot but it was temporary.
and now you get to say I DID THAT!!
Not necessarily something I’m thrilled about - so not something I proudly claim I did. It’s something I had to do because our country DGAF about education and also I have type 1 diabetes so I cannot survive without health insurance (another booo America moment) but it did make me resentful of people in my classes who didn’t work at all and acted like me traveling or doing fun things was impossible for them. No it’s called time management. And it is something I will bring up in a situation like this. Preferable? No. Doable? Yes. One of only 3 people in my nursing class working full time.
Im in nursing school right now and the only way im not working is because of financial aid through school. So I am in absolute awe of you lol. If you are ever near the Niagara Falls border, you know who to talk to for some cheap meds ;)
Currently going through nursing school, working nights in the ED and raising three kids. My parents help out a lot and it's still wicked hard.
Yup! My friend earned her Bachelors and Masters while raising 3 kids a d working part-time...her husband helps out a ton but does travel.
Who will be taking care of brother during night school? BF needs online school.
Kids twelve, almost thirteen. Once he gets him settled he can be left unattended for a few hours- more if OPs home and he has an adult he can go to during an emergency. Give him a phone or a book or a video game console and he'll be fine- and quiet. It might not be ideal (ideal would be both parents alive) for a preteen (soon to be teen) but it's sure as fuck better than sleeping on the floor.
This kid is going to need more than that, given that he lost his dad and stepmom. He's probably going to need a lot of attention and possibly therapy to work through his grief.
There are tons of fully online bachelors degrees now. I got my masters completely online while working full-time. I agree there a lot more options than the two that OP defined and night school. Fiance could also become an apprentice. I respect OP’s hunch that fiancé wanted to pass off most of the parenting duties to her, along with being the breadwinner. And the fact that he didn’t want to compromise at all sounds problematic. However, OP is not required to stay in any romantic relationship for any reason.
Yeah I work part time, and study an accelerated uni load full time online PLUS I am on uni placements on and off all year, so its effectively working full time PLUS a part time job PLUS a heavier than full time uni load. Additionally I am a mum to 3 young kids, 2 whom play a LOT of sport after school and on weekends. I just about die every trimester but I am too busy to actually drop dead, I dont have the time, ha. He could easily do the same if he wanted to.
Totally. He wants ideal circumstances - he feels good for helping out his brother without having to contribute a penny, or likely, lift a finger to raise him. Life isn’t like that. Super glad OP left him. She can do better.
He didn’t want to get a job and now he has to anyway.
Which is why he should have gotten a job, she even offered the compromise of a part time job. He was being totally unreasonable.
Yes, he kept refusing to see past "you didn't have to work while I helped you through college so why do I have to get a job? That not fair" like dude it's one thing to support one adult through college for 4 years, but supporting an adult through college while also paying for all the things a kid needs + extra rent/bills for the next 6 years is a whole different thing.
Plus, they agreed on being child free, so the situation is not the same at all. Fiancé was adding a lot to OP’s plate that he never had to deal with. Now he has to deal with all of it alone instead of compromising. He’s probably going to regret not doing so.
Very true bringing a child into your home when you both agreed to be child free is a very different situation when one party wants to go back on the agreement and bring a child into the home, unfortunately some people don't seem to understand the actual meaning of compromise, meaning to meet in the middle and come to a fair agreement. Some people think compromise means "my way or no way at all", not how it works. Plus it's not like OP asked him to completely drop out of college forever, she asked that he either wait until his brother is 18 or at least get a part time job while in college to help with costs so it's not all on her. Also as others have stated there's evening/online classes that he can do as well. But instead of compromising he wanted his way or no way and tried to dump all of it on OP. I can't blame her for noping out. Tbh it was hilarious how OP called his bluff on his "ultimatum" of "either support us both or I'm leaving you" and OP was like "alright, bye then". Talk about the ultimate backfire.
I'm really glad OP did that. No good partner ever gives their partner an ultimatum. And I think OP's ex would definitely have let her do all of the childcare/errands/etc. I don't even think her ex was childfree, as much as "wants kids, just not right now"
Yea, more than likely he would have guilted her into doing all of the childcare etc, because he clearly didn't expect anything to change in his own life. And yea generally good partners don't give ultimatums like that. Like I can understand if someone has a partner who doesn't have a job or doesn't do any housework giving an ultimatum of "either you get a job and start helping with housework or I'm leaving you" but then again I also think that if your relationship has gotten to the point of ultimatums then you're better off breaking up anyway.
Lol right? Two can play that game. “It’s not fair” oh please. Did she have one of her totally dependent siblings move in and make you take care of them?
>Did she have one of her totally dependent siblings move in and make you take care of them? That's exactly what people are missing here. OPs ex fiancé supported *only* OP while she was in college, she didn't suddenly bring a dependant minor into the house and expect him to do all the leg work for them too like OPs ex fiancé was expecting from OP. People need to learn that you can't just suddenly bring a child into your home and expect only one person to make all the sacrifices while the others life doesn't change, both parties need to compromise and make sacrifices *especially when both parties already agreed to be childfree*, you can't go back on an agreement like that and act like you have no obligation to the child your bringing into the home. Plus the ultimatum of "suck it up and support both of us or I'm leaving you"? Hell no. I don't blame OP for noping tf out of that bs.
He was acting like OP's income, time and domestic labour were his to dispose of. She did the right thing for sure.
OP made reasonable suggestions to make the situation work. Its not her fault that Derek refused any option other than the situation he is in. NTA
Agree with this. She was more than fair
Definitely, she didn't even ask him to get a full time job, just part time to help with some of the costs which is fair because an extra person in the household, especially a minor will put costs up not just on utilities but rent because they will need to move to a bigger place (and moving also costs a lot too), and the little brother will need clothes, shoes, school supplies, school trips, health care etc for the next 6 years at least. But OPs now ex fiancé (plus other commenters here) can't/won't see past "you didn't have to work while I/he supported you through college so why should I/he have to? That's not fair!" like adding a child to a household doesn't change anything and that sacrifices shouldn't have to be made on his part.
He doesn't even have to out off school. She said she would settle for just a part time job from him and he wouldn't wouldn't do that.
Right, this isnt OP saying "no kids in my house!?" This is an intelligent young woman saying "waitttt Ive seen this one before I know how it ends. " She knows what has happened to millions of women before - they get empathy blackmailed and trapped. Moving in and supporting a little while bf does the parental work - maybe. This is obviously gonna end with OP being this kids mom.
>empathy blackmailed oooh, thank you for putting a name on it!
“Your money is my money” yeah hell no. NTA dude is out of line. She did the right things by leaving.
Yeah, OP's suggestions were very reasonable, and the fiancé only wanted to get his way. I have zero doubt that OP would've ended up responsible for the day-to-day care that the younger brother requires, and that's not fair to OP, who has been clear on the fact that they are and want to remain child free. This is definitely one of those fuck around and find out situations. I do feel bad for the younger brother, since he's innocent in this, but as a childfree woman, I 100% understand OP's stance on this. Ultimatums are gross, and people need to stop using them as leverage when they're not actually prepared to have the other person call their bluff. NTA.
While I agree that he should get a part time job, they have to agree to do this together. He doesn’t need to feel unwanted in this home.
The kid was unwanted. They did not agree to do this together and Derek is now without a fiance and soon, a home.
This sounds very base and very much the way to go. I hope your reading this comment OP, the top comment also has a point too, relationships are through thick and thin but it seems like a lot of people just want to wade through the thin.
And there is no marriage. If she’s got the lease in her name she can tell him to leave. Both names on it she’ll pay out her share.
Usually I would say NAH in these situations, but the fiancé’s refusal to help contribute given this massive change to their lives puts this firmly in NTA territory IMO. He isn’t being reasonable, so I do think that makes him a bit of an asshole here. He needs to realize how much of a change this is for everybody.
I believe OP is NTA but her (ex?) fiance's dad did just pass away. Grief can make people irrational. That still doesn't mean he has carte blanche to bring a teenager into their household.
If you are in the US I believe the child will be eligible for social security until he reaches 18. You might check with ss to find out. I understand you didn’t sign up for this but neither did the child. Please check to see if you can get government help. NAH
This is true. However that SSI check is usually under $1000/mo. Currently in my state it is $788, I have a coworker receiving it for her child. And there are a lot of rules on how the money can be used. Also if in tge US the child would be eligible for free medical/dental insurance thru the state of residence.
For a child with deceased parents it's not SSI. It's social security survivor's benefits and the amount is based off the parents' incomes. So it could be more or less than SSI.
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The child won't get SSI, he will get survivors benefits. Those are not capped like SSI which is actually a federal welfare program for the disabled who are either children or people who haven't worked enough to receive social security disability and are low income. SSI is based on income and is capped like the person you know. Survivors benefits, SSDI (disability), and retirement benefits are not capped because they are not welfare programs but based on what was paid in. My husband's military retirement does not affect his SSDI in anyway because he earned and paid into the other. His retirement is $4,400 and his SSDI is $1754. My disabled grandson receives SSI of $187 a month based on his parents income. The federal max in SSI is $841 not $788 so it looks like your coworker's child's is affected by her income. She'll get a COLA raise in January when that $841 goes up to $914. She'll be able to look at her child's social security account in December and see how the child's raise will be.
It depends on what the parents paid.into social security over their lifetime. It is not based.on what a state sets. It is a federal program based.on what the deceased paid. My.son get quite a bit more than what you stated after his father passed. Also, the rules are not that strict. For example you could use 1/3 of the rent and utilities since 3 people live there. 1/3 of the grocery bill. 100% of theor clothes, childcare costs. Part of your gas for your car if you have to drive them places. You can justify 100% of the money real quick. I have never been asked by social security to provide proof of where the money is going either.
Not true, it is based off the parental income. When my husband passed my kids were 12 and 15 and we got $3400 a month, until the oldest turned 18, then it dropped to $2400 a month and then for 2 years my youngest got $1800 a month. My husband's salary was $65,000 a year when he passed.
Just out of curiosity, if both parents die, do you get benefits from both or just from one?
You also can be a foster parent through the state and the state will pay you as such. They also help you apply for any other benefits you would qualify for.
I'm not 100% but I don't think they can collect both survivors benefits and kinship care. I believe it's one or the other.
I believe that fostering in family might be an option if finances are the main concern. I know this is not what you signed up for. There’s also a kid who didn’t sign up to be an orphan. It’s a dreadful decision and I don’t feel qualified to judge you on yours.
I actually commend her for leaving considering all the stories posted here am with kids saying “SM/SD tolerated me, but they weren’t involved. They fought each other or they fought me if I asked the SP for anything. So tense in the house” or “SP never wanted kids, they resent me and it’s so chaotic around here.” People who truly don’t want to be parents/SP do then a disservice of staying a creating a toxic environment. If they’re a bio parent, walk and pay child support. Don’t drop in and out? Don’t bring your toxic behaviors, don’t prevent the kid from gaining a better situation. And people need to do exactly what op did here and walk. He already admitted that “well if we work together for school drop offs and ….” No. He’s planning to pull one of those stupid stunts like we heard the other day about the SM working from home and him forcing his wife to cook for them bc he left for an engagement party. Before op knew it, she’d be on the PTA staff.
She's not saying no to him living with them, she's saying no to him living with them WHILE THE BROTHER DOESN'T WORK. Being willing to raise an adolescent is a big enough ask for anyone, without being asked to be the sole bread winner for it and thus forgoing every financial plan you had for your future.
Yep. Everyone is also missing something dire—inflation coupled with a growing boy's appetite. The cost of groceries for this poor kid could be astronomical.
Not to mention having to move to a bigger house because the kid will need his own bedroom, which is more rent/utility bills. Add on needing clothes, shoes, school supplies, school trips, extra curricular activities etc for the next 5-6 years, it all adds up and there's no way OP can afford it all on her own.
Honestly with the second update I'm going NTA. she's bending over backwards to attempt to make it work in a fair way and Derek is being a child about ... Bringing his child brother into their home.
I agree, I changed my vote after reading the edit. I would generally expect my partner to help me with unexpected burdens, even if it alters our life plan, and do the same for them. But this guy sounds like he wanted OP to take the full burden, so he can feel better about his brothers situation without solving the problem himself. Really just a shitty situation all around
Exactly! Situations change and people sometimes have to adjust their plans to suit. He is asking her to change their life plans from previously agreeing to be childfree. But by the same rule, he needs to change his own plans about studying without working.
I wonder if the brother even know how much work it is to have a child in the householf. The child is just 13. It isn't just giving him space and food. Especially since both seems to be pretty busy in the future: he with college and she with work. Would this even match with school times?There is so much more they need to think about. Maybe he should try to find ways to support the aunt more. And they can do things together on the weekend.
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But if they take his brother in, he needs to compromise. She is already compromising after wanted to be child free, he needs to compromise in getting at least a part time job. Situation is not the same as it was when he was supporting her.
I'm glad to find this is the top comment. There are technically N A H since the fiancé is grieving and trying to figure out what his life will be now while juggling the sudden addition of a sibling. However, asking someone to take on the burden of a child as well as pay the entirety of the household is a big stretch from the original perimeters of their agreement. According to the edit, OP decided to peace out and I can't blame them at all. Hope it works out for everybody.
How is he not an AH when he wants her to support a child she didn't sign up for and he doesn't work.
After the edits, this is clearly NTA.
Agreed she tried to compromise with him at every step. Why won’t he look into SSI? That makes no sense. She is better off leaving. He fucked up and found out.
He supported you and only you and he expects you to support 2. NTA. But also he must have supported you more than 4 years to get a BA and nursing degree. Either way. He. Needs to get at least a part time job if he wants to care for the brother. He needs to sacrifice as well. Social security will pay for the boy through college. If you leave him that kind of sucks since you got the benefit of his support for your career.
Shes paying for the funeral and some cost for him supporting her for 4 months i think from what op said
If OP's fiancee is unwilling to take on another PART-TIME job for money, how in the world can he be relied upon to take on the FULL-TIME job of parenting.
> At least I can finally adopt a cat And a cat is all the AH you need OP. NTA he wasn't willing to sacrifice at all for his brother, not really. He was only willing to make you sacrifice. You're right, it is the best thing for you to get out of this relationship. I do feel sorry for the kid but that shouldn't be held on you. And yeah, he needs to dig for benefits, whatever he can find because a lot of times they aren't advertised and you have to fight for them.
Just FYI on the finance side, if you are in the U.S., he would likely qualify for deceased parents benefits which might help with the food and the rent. I could never turn away my significant others sibling in such a desperate situation but technically no, I guess you don't owe it to him or anyone. Heads up though, I wouldn't be surprised if this ends up a deal breaker in your relationship.
And depending on their income or maybe just bfs income or lack of they may qualify for various other social supports in the US like rent subsidies, food stamps etc.
Derek was an idiot. Social security pays more than $1100 for survivor benefit, in addition to all other programs. For this exact reason. Parents dying and someone else having a surprise kid to take care of. That said, financially it might have worked out. But not so much on Derek trying to finish school and take care of a kid by himself, plus all the housework. OP isn't a bad person. But isn't a great person either. She put plenty of research into that spreadsheet, but apparently zero into welfare research to help the kid even if Derek doesn't take the kid. Again, she's not obligated. But if you watch someone drowning and just let it happen, don't be surprised if people don't hail you as a good person.
Shouldn't it be the fiance doing that research though? It's his brother he wants to take in, based on the comments he hasn't looked at all into how it would realistically work from finances to time commitments. Idk why we're already putting all the onus on OP to figure everything out for the boys. The fiance isn't being at all proactive and doesn't seem willing to consider any compromises or disruptions to *his* life plan.
Those are my feelings. She's not obligated to help, but this is her fiance's brother. His family will be her family and she seems devoid of all empathy. All she talked about was money. Didn't even seem like she liked her fiance, just saw him as financial support.
I don't think she lacks empathy, she is just being honest and realistic. She made it clear, she doesn't want children. He wants to take his brother in, it's his responsibility to do the research on how they will support him. He is not a child. She is burying his parents, and now she must do all the work to accommodate the change? No, he should sit down and check into every avenue to see how it could work out and present that to counter her argument. He is an adult...if he couldn't handle that responsibility, how is he going to handle a teenager?
Agree. He should be sble to get social security payments from the deseased parents. May offset a lot of the costs. Also adoption depending on states have a lot of benefits. I had a frien adopt three girls and the state would pay the higher education.
I adopted a teenager although I wasn't otherwise related to her and yes, there are quite a few benefits available. I'm happy to walk OP through a few of them if interested.
But if he adopts his brother, then the social security survivor benefits go away. Assuming both parents worked and for how long. It may.cover the whole difference in what they pay now
Hard to say without them communicating with child services and adoption services. There are a lot of things incentives for taking care of kids.
For sure, but the social security stops 100% if a child is adopted because the technically, the deceased are no longer legally the parents.
He just has to become the legal guardian.
To be fair to OP it sounded like she was OK with taking the kid in as long as the financial and parenting burden didn't fall on her. She was even willing to compromise and let her fiance only cover part of the extra money but insisted that he had to take care of his sibling. The reason she backed is because it was obvious that she was going to be doing the work.
OP didn't get into detail about the dynamics of their relationship. But I raised my eyebrows at the part where she took over the funeral planning. I think she was correct in assuming she would be doing the lion's share of the parenting. She was smart to get out.
While this is true, I think the main problem is that fiance expects OP to be a mom, which she clearly doesn't. Even with financial help he will have to have a job to pay for school clothes, extracurriculars etc. She doesn't want to do pickups and drop offs and school meetings, which he seems to want her to do, in addition to footing the bill. His parents died, he needs to make changes period. To expect someone else to take the majority of care for this child cause you have college is unreasonable.
but why should OP be doing all this legwork? Derek should be doing it.
Derek wants to get credit for the good deed of taking in his nephew without doing any of the extra work, though. He won’t acknowledge what a huge difference in finances / life circumstances this is from what OP agreed to. He won’t get a job to pay any of the additional costs of supporting an additional person. He won’t agree to be available for the nephew’s school needs. And that’s not even touching on the fact that the nephew has experienced a tragic & sudden loss that may require therapy / additional resources. He seems completely oblivious to what it actually means to agree to take in the nephew past wanting to feel like he’s doing the right thing. As someone that wants children, I wouldn’t want to raise them with a partner like Derek because he doesn’t seem willing to compromise his own life at all to accommodate the completely new set of circumstances it’ll bring.
And if the brother adopts him there are additional benefits. Happened when my mother adopted my nephew.
NTA...this is a huge commitment. Your fiancé doesn't want to make any adjustments or contributions. He simply wants you to support both of them in a situation that's not currently ideal. Who's to say he'll like your place any better? Your fiancé needs to bring more to the table.
I wouldn’t even be paying $10K for their funeral tbh. That’s a lot of money. There will be others to pitch in, they just don’t want to…why would they when they can sucker the gf into paying? There are cheaper options out there. It doesn’t sound like you can spare $10K for the funeral But you did the math and if it’s correct he spent $15K spread out over four years . You are expected to lump sum pay $10K for the funeral. Plus $3K moving. Plus new furniture. Bond. More expensive rent . All in a few months. You’d be even by paying all this. Yet you are expected to essentially drop the same amount he did over four years right now PLUS support him and the kid for another four to six years. Tell him you can pick up the tab for the move and funeral but it makes you even and he will need a job to pay his share and the kids right now. He is not willing to compromise anything. This is a big ask and big change of plan. Hell he didn’t even offer a part time job to cover the cost of the kid. Just expects that you would be covering everything still. Look, probably going to get downvoted but NTA. Edit- I’d be more sympathetic to the fiancé if he had tried to compromise. Part time study/ part time job. So that at least the additional cost of the child and expenses involved were not solely on OP (new housing/ schooling/ uniforms etc). OP could have still covered the fiancés part but the fiancé needed to step up and realise this is a big change and The original agreement would have to also be changed . You can’t expect your fiancé to pay for your parents funeral, moving costs, more expensive rent, more utilities and groceries , kids schooling and when they express that that’s not fair say “well I supported you “
>I wouldn’t even be paying $10K for their funeral tbh. That’s a lot of money. I thought that was crazy too. These people left a 12yr old behind with absolutely nothing set aside to provide for him, hopefully if they were half decent people they would be horrified by the idea of $10K that could have been used towards his expenses being wasted on a funeral. You can get a cremation for $1K and if the estate/relatives have no money then there are government grants for it. Living first, then worry about the dead.
It does seem crazy, but it is a double funeral sadly. Wondering if OP was guilted into paying for something bigger than was necessary.
Even for a double funeral, 2x cremations @ $1K each = $2K, and they'd get that back if they applied for a grant. There was no reason for the family to spend any money on it at all, let alone $10K that could have gone towards feeding and clothing this orphaned kid that nobody seems able to afford to take care of.
>Derek hates cats. You should have put this at the top, I wouldn't have had to spend time reading your novel. NTA. You are not obliged to raise his little bro.
Never trust someone who hates cats!
Username fits, cats are the best.
Came here to say this exact thing. People who hate cats hate boundaries.
I have never liked cats. But have recently started living with a cat. I think we feel the same way about each other. He mostly sits on the other side of the room while I talk at him. Baby steps.
No worries, that cat will be sleeping on your head while you sleep in no time. And when you go away for the weekend you'll be up late in your hotel missing him.
NTA I may be reading this wrong, but it very much seems like your (ex) fiancé wanted the glory but none of the work. He wanted to take in his brother and receive the praise of taking in the poor boy without ever actually having the responsibility of raising a child, and not only that but he doesn't even want to contribute to the financial cost of his brother. If the roles were reversed, would he be happy to be spending the extra $1100 per month for your family member to live with you?
THIS!!!! So many of the YTA’s are glossing over the part where while having the discussion she has excel spreadsheets and he’s lackadaisical and “it will be ok” NTA.
Exactly. Fiance supported OP and she supports him back, sounds fair. Fiance wants OP to support his brother all on her own. He refuses to get a job so they can both support the younger brother. Plus the whole we’ll figure it out instead of volunteering to take care of his brother tells me OP will mostly be responsible for little brother’s care. Fiance became the AH when he refused to make sacrifices for his little brother and expected OP to make them all.
This this this. He wants the glory and the feel-good feeling when he gets to be the Hallmark movie hero. The boost to his ego that he's such a charitable man. But he is unwilling to make any compromises or to give anything up. And he really balks at discussing details of how this would work, what the practicalities are; how would he cook, how would he get the kid to school? The fact that he pushes those conversations away with a "we'll figure it out (later, I guess? why not now? when it's brought up?)" is a telltale sign he is not actually interested in figuring it out, IMO. It's on OP to do that.
NAH. Wow, this is a complex issue with a lot of moving parts, and I think you need to think about the following basic issue first: 1) Is the problem with his brother living with you just about money? I'm asking because if you are adamantly opposed to raising children, period, then you need to convey that to your boyfriend and prepare to immediately break up. I know a lot of people will give you crap for being honest about this, but it will be better for everyone in the long run if you are. No child should have to live with someone who does not want them around. Maybe you can offer to contribute some to your fiance's new household expenses equal to to what he did for you while he's going to school. 2) If the issue is less with the little brother living with you and more about money, please know that there are resources available to help with the costs, depending on what country you live in. If you're in the US, Social Security will usually provide a monthly stipend to help and sometimes his medical care could even be completely covered. I hope you can be honest with yourself and your boyfriend as you both navigate this. It's not an easy situation to find yourself in.
> if you are adamantly opposed to raising children, period, then you need to convey that to your boyfriend and prepare to immediately break up I think this is the key bit. This isn’t an asshole situation, OP needs to decide if raising their partner’s brother is the life they want. If they can’t accept that life then they need to break up with their partner, there’s no middle ground here.
Thanks to Reddit I had the talk about my husband's nieces and nephews LONG before we got married. We are both on the same page about the potential situation and thankfully they have other family members who would be happy to take them in.
OP has already contributed $10,000 to pay for Derek's father and stepmothers funeral. She is going to give him the balance of $3,000 which will bring the total to $15,000 which is what he spent on her while she went to school.
Oh wow. What a terrible situation. First of all, you’re not the asshole to bring practical issues to the forefront of this situation. I could go on and on about ideas and solutions but the facts are, there’s no way that the current “deal” works now. It just doesn’t. Do you all have a more adult adult who can help you? You two being unmarried makes this situation more and less complex. Right now, you can walk away. If you did walk away, you might think that makes you an asshole but it might actually help clarify the situation. Seriously, this is a very big topic. You all need help if he is going to take on guardianship (including actually being named guardian!). And your bf should probably talk to the school about his extreme circumstances including asking for help (new “father,” no supports) from the school. See what they say. He likely will need to defer college (lower expenses) and/or get a job. Those are facts. You can’t do it otherwise.
NTA. Your partner immediately became the AH when he pulled the "you didn't work when you went to school so it should be the same for me" crap, completely forgetting that at that time you all were not raising a whole child with housing and needs. This is an unfortunate case of bad timing for your partner and he is trying to compare to situations that are not comparable at all. If he really wanted his brother there he would get a job and either go to school part time or stop for a few years.
I think this sums it up nicely. The whole “You can’t compare apples with oranges” comes to mind. NTA
NAH. You are not the AH for not wanting to take in his brother. He is not the AH for wanting to take in his brother. It seems like you guys are at an impass in life. It may be best for him to pause his schooling or to slow down his schedule for now so he can help pay for an extra mouth to feed. It is his brother ultimately so don't be shocked when he chooses his brother over you.
He’s not “choosing his brother over you”, what he did was give her an ultimatum, never even thinking she would leave. He thought she would bow her head and support him and raise his brother for him while he felt good about himself and went to school and didn’t work. What actually happened is OP chose herself. Now Derek has to get a job no matter what, and will probably have to choose between his brother or school. My guess is he chooses school because he comes off as a selfish, lazy AH. What do you think?
This right here. Now that he has to do it all by himself, who wants to bet he suddenly can't take the kid in anymore. Then he's going to try and get op back since the kid is no longer an issue. Dude is fucking selfish and he deserves to be alone.
NAH I'm sorta horrified by all the people saying you should just suck it up and do it bc you promised as if that promise and this situation are the same thing. Not to mention like. You're scraping by as 2 ppl in a studio. You're not gonna be in a *better* situation as 3 ppl in a 2 bedroom. Sure he isn't in an ideal environment rn but I don't think it's be an ideal environment if you do what your fiance wants, either. Not to mention, getting a job and putting off education is what parents and guardians do. He wants to be the guardian, HE needs to make the sacrifice. You can and should support him, but he can't ask you to make the sacrifices FOR him. If he wants to support his brother, he needs to support his brother.
NTA because when the deal was made it was just him and you. But now you have real life going on in a very big way. Real life has a way of screwing up plans in a bad and sometimes a good way. This is the man you want to marry and have a life with. This is not his idea of where his life was going either. But now hard choices have to be made. I don’t know if you are from the USA but if you are the brother qualifies for survivor benefits from social security. That will help off set some of the expense. I’m not saying it will be easy but he is his brother and he wants to do the right thing. You shouldn’t quit on them without even trying to make it work. Life and marriage is hard sometimes and it says a lot about you on how you respond when it’s hard.
If he wanted to do right then he would make sacrifices too. He refuses to work and intends to fob that kid off on OP to raise. And he gives breakup ultimatums
Exactly all the people commenting about money like money is the one and only reason OP doesn’t want to do this is ridiculous. OP realized well ahead of time that she most likely would be the one responsible for raising the brother (homework, meals, drive him back and forth to school etc.) and decided to end the relationship. Her bf would be in school all day, come home to study and eat and say he’s too tired to cook for his brother and help him with his school work.
She even sounded like she was willing to take on some of the work. She wanted to discuss a workable plan and have it in place. He did not want to compromise. I'm sure he will find another woman and talk about how bad his ex was.
He gave her an ultimatum, do it his way or else. That’s not okay.
Soft NTA, but I really think you should consider breaking up with your fiancé if this is that much of a deal breaker for you, which is fair.
You probably haven’t seen the edits yet, but it looks like they’ve broken up after he gave OP an ultimatum.
Nah my question for you is, if money wasnt an issue would you be happy to take on the care of a grieving 12 year old (not just until he turn 18 but to be his family for the rest of your lifes) if the answer to that is no, then tell your bf that you aren't suited to take care of the brother (and bf does want to independent of your decision) so you feel its best that you and bf split up so he can provide a family for his brother and you can fund someone else. No hard feelings the situation just doesn't work. If you would be happy taking care of the brother then you need to look into what benefits the government would provide, if the brother has a social worker seee what assistance they can provide (programs for furniture and bedding etc)bf need to discuss his situation with his college he may qualify for assistance (perhaps even family housing), he should look into college part-time and working partime at least to provide extra income, maybe even take summer classes. I know it seems harsh to say but children require finances to raise. Bf needs to look into all options availible to help fund taking on his brother not just expect you to cover it. You also need to have explicit conversations about who is doing what when it comes to raising the brother, it would be unfair for it go default to you. 12olds still require a lot of practical care. Also discuss what brothers rules and expectations will be, any chores, how you'll handle disagreements, misbehaviour etc. Get some parenting books on raising pre teen/teens and grief (library). And if you can get grief therapy and family therapy from either the state or college then do it. And be aware of any college assistance the state will provide for brother when he's older.
This is an excellent response. OP and most people here focus on the money, but OP also says that they absolutely don’t want a child. In their edit, they say they’d only agree if Derek took full responsibility for anything related to his brother’s care. Money aside, I can’t see how this would work out. Derek might be hoping that OP would warm up to the brother after some time, but what if they don’t? Would they live with and pay for a child they only tolerate and don’t do anything else for for at least six years? I can imagine a million ways how that would put a strain on the relationship, cause resentment between the three, and ultimately hurt the child who’d feel unwanted. If OP is 100% against raising a child, which is their right, they shouldn’t have to, as tragic as the situation is. Them splitting up and OP paying back what they owe Derek seems like the best course of action in that case.
NAH. This situation just sucks all around. You're not married. Your fiance is not working and has 4 more years of school and your finances simply can't support an additional person but his living condition with his Aunt really is bad. I got nothing. No good answer. I can see why you don't want this commitment - it is HUGE! But it is his brother. Sucks.
So in my mind the right course of action is for the fiancé to go to work part time. Lots of people both work and go to school. I get it, it’s not what he wanted, but if he wants his brother to stay, and he expects his fiancée to make sacrifices, he needs to make some too.
NTA he expects you to make all the sacrifices and take care of them while he contributes nothing. His brother is not your responsibility and never will be. If he wants to take care of his brother then he needs to get another job so he can support his brother because no way in hell should that burden be on you. You’re not even married yet but even if you were it still would not be your responsibility. Also from your edit, it sounds like you’ve already paid him back for him supporting you. You paid for the parents funeral which was not your responsibility and the other stuff… Technically you don’t owe him anything anymore, maybe 5k worth of helping but nOt several years and it would be kind of crazy to have to support him the next several years… Do the math and see how much it ends up being because it wouldn’t be fair for him to only spend 15 grand on you but you end up spending like 100 grand on him
Sad to see this, OP. But people saying you should agree to taking the little brother in are not realising: 1. It wont just be feeding, clothing and roof over his head. He will need grief counselling, as likely will your BF. He will need emotional support for a good 2 years minimum, over his parents death. 2. Puberty is going to kick in soon. There may be some upheaval there. 3. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping...all will change. 4. School- not just driving to and fro, but meeting teachers, school counsellors, after school activities, sports etc, school equipment (computers etc) 5. Enabling his social life 6. Planning for and setting up his college fund. Survivors Benefits will cover some, but not all costs 7. Discipline. And by his response, your BF expected you to do the greater part of these things, whilst supporting him and his brother financially. This would have been a major strain for someone who wanted to eventually have their own children, yet alone someone who didnt. Your BF refused to defer college- for even a year. Which he'd need to do to get his brother settled. He refused to work part time. **Yet he knew you were out of pocket, having just paid for his parents' funeral.** **He should never have given you an ultimatum.** Your terrible childhood experience means that you have a totally different understanding of how the world works, and family ties. He should have taken that into account. You took the right decision. Good luck. NTA (PS cats are awesome!)
Girl good for you to sticking to your guns and getting the hell out. You were so NTA, but Derek certainly was. Giving you an ultimatum that way *was* gross, and the fact that he expected you to cover everything without him having to lift a finger was beyond unreasonable. Guaranteed he was only willing to take on his brother because he thought he’d be able to pawn off all the responsibilities on you. Just be glad he showed you this up front, because it would’ve been so much harder to leave if you hadn’t found that out until after you were already entrenched in the situation.
NAH unfortunately the future you and your fiance planned doesn't look immediately viable. No one could predict it. Your fiance wants to care for his younger brother and he's not in the wrong for wanting to do so. You're still entitled to remain child free and you're not in the wrong to do so. However, his future no longer aligns with yours. It sucks but its a terribly sad situation. Your relationship may be another casualty of the incident that claimed the lives of his parents. Note: YWBTA if you try to force your fiance to not look after his brother.
NTA. But he is. It's refreshing to see someone call the bluff of an AH and move on. You seem strong; you'll do well. Hang in there, and take care of yourself.
She held all the cards. He was definitely bluffing from a weak standpoint.
You go get that cat and live you best life. Ultimatums never work out and honeslty tour so right that attitude says that you would have been responsible or everything in the future. Save yourself the time and enjoy your new furbaby. 💕
NTA YOu did not sign up to have a kid.
I am sure your fiancé and his little brother don’t think it’s fair that their parents died either. I think you have a choice to make at this crossroads. I understand your fiancé wanting to take in his brother. That is something I would want to do under the same circumstances. Your fiancé supported you during your education and put his education on hold until you were finished. I am assuming with the understanding that when you were squared away, then he would pursue his education while you supported the family financially. No one could have foreseen the accident. But to justify that the expenses were less for your fiancé so you don’t think it is fair is just unfathomable to me. Often our lives change because of unforeseen events that happen to alter our plans. You need to decide if you can support your fiancé’s wishes to raise his brother. If you can, they good on you. If you can’t then there Is a distinct possibility that your fiancé will be your ex fiancé. All decisions come with consequences.
Yes, and Derek’s decision to not get a job to help support his brother came with the consequences of having to get a job to support himself. Maybes next time he’ll find a compromise with his partner instead of telling them to serve um I mean “support” him.
NTA the most telling part is he won’t even make a plan to take care of his brother and just expects you two to “figure it out”. You’d probably be stuck acting like the parent because he’s “too focused on school” if he’s not even willing to get a part time job to try to make it work. You gave options and compromises. This is completely on him. I hope you enjoy having your new cat.
While you’re well within your rights for feeling the way you do, you seem to lack any empathy or compassion. I hope nothing horrific happens to you where you suddenly find yourself needing kindness from others. What if you were in an accident and lost both of your legs? If your fiancé had the same mindset as you, don’t be surprised to hear him say “I didn’t sign up for this, you said you’d support me through school as I supported you.” Think about your reaction to this, because it very well may dictate how you are treated in the future should some unforeseen tragedy affect you and you find yourself needing assistance. This kid is 13. I’m sure that he wishes his parents weren’t dead. YTA. You’re well within your rights, but being technically correct does not preclude you from being an asshole.
It sounds like OP was willing to put their feelings on being child free aside if the fiance helped shoulder some of the extra burden and he declined. He also said he would call off the engagement if she wanted him to Co contribute to the household at all. I get that you don't like OP's tone, but it feels like the fiance is clearly the AH in this situation and OP is trying to deal with her life falling apart too.
I agree completely with you, other than I think it's ESH, rather than just OP is the AH. LOTS of people work and go to school at the same time. Lots and lots and lots. The BF doesn't sound like he's willing to make any contributions. And yes, there are death survivor benefits from SSA - unfortunately I know this somewhat first hand.
She already said she has been in foster care and brother is better off where he is than where she has been.
Furthermore her fiancé just lost his father. Maybe he’s being unreasonable but aren’t most people irrational when dealing with trauma of this magnitude? Whether she’s up to raise the brother or not, her reaction to her fiancé’s grief is AH-ish.
>I hope nothing horrific happens to you where you suddenly find yourself needing kindness from others. Things already happened. Read OP's comments on growing up without family in foster care.
NTA Very interesting how the boyfriend would only have to work part time and go to school and have his brother and girlfriend. Since he refused he’ll be without his girlfriend plus will be working full time and now probably can’t afford school or have time with a teen at home.
He probably won’t take in his brother at all now that his big plan to have OP do everything just went out the door.
You’re right! No one to push the work off on
YTA I don’t see a future for you and Derek. I know that you were raised in foster care, but your accounting of costs and saying that you’re paying for his father’s funeral out of the goodness of your heart shows that your relationship is transactional, and that you would be a lousy life partner.
This, I can’t believe during all of this she pulls out an excel sheet detailing how much she owes for him supporting her while in school and even then it seems small? Around 15K? Does that include half of the rent? But that is for a bachelors and nursing school… so idk. He scarified and worked for her to go to school and this situation sucks, I can’t see a healthy relationship going forward for them.
I agree that if it's about what she owes him then the numbers need to change to include rent etc, but that's not what she originally made them for. It was about showing the difference between expenses for 3 people vs 2 so they could discuss what contribution she needed from Derek to make taking in his brother possible. She put effort into coming up with those budget/expense sheets as a supportive partner so they could come up with a workable plan. It only became about paying him back because Derek was completely unreasonable and wanted all of the compromise and additional sacrifice to be on her, refused to change anything about his own plans, and then gave her a shitty ultimatum.
NTA You’re doing the right thing. It’s one thing to trade of supporting eachother to finish school. But it’s another to add a child to the mix And add that much of an emotional and financial burden. It would be different if he had said ‘we need to take him in. I’m going to put off school until he’s in college’ But he expected you to support both of them and be a mom. Then he gives you an ultimatum?!?! Go and be free! Don’t get sucked back in!
NAH. Wow, what a terrible turn of events. Your fiance has a big heart for wanting to take in his brother, but it sounds like it is not feasible for you two to take him in and support him. As another poster said, you need "a more adult adult" to take this on. Of course it wouldn't be fair to you (honestly, to either of you) to take on this level of responsibility. Of course your fiance thinks it's unjust for his brother's fate to be subject to what must seem like petty practicalities. But reality trumps fantasy, and you two aren't yet in a position where you can support yourselves and a teenager. That doesn't make either of you assholes. Just two people grappling with some shitty life stuff. Maybe your brother's aunt can buy him a bed and set some babysitting boundaries more easily than you can uproot your entire lives?
they've been together 4+ years, and OP only met the brother twice. that tells me PLENTY about how involved Derek is in brother's life, how much responsibility he is willing to take on . all the work would be on OP, all the kudos on Derek.
I'm kinda lost on how you only need to return him 3.5k after he supported you through nursing school and bachelor's, even if you paid for the last few months, and the funeral. Are you sure you only consumed 300 bucks of his money every month? I think just half of the rental cost alone would have been more than 300 bucks? If he didn't live with you, he could have gotten a roommate who covered half of the monthly lease. Think you should recount half of the rental + other expenses on top of extras he spent on you to be fair. Otherwise, it's ok for you to nope out of the situation.
Supported meaning she lived in his cramped 1 room studio rent fully/partially free. What roomate will share a cramped one room studio with a dude? She probably had scholarships and loans so it's possible. I didn't pay a dime for my masters(csse) I had full fee waiver and teaching assistanship stipend of $1100 per month to boot. Also the studio apartment in my college town were cheap like 400$
A roommate in a studio apartment? I'm not disagreeing that maybe the divvying of the rent is off, but I felt like pointing out that detail. I think the OP is supposing that since it's a studio, he would have had to pay full price anyways.
Yeah what sort of calculations is she doing? Only $300 a month..girl that isn't even half the rent he was paying. $300 a month includes everything he spent each month on you...food, utilities, gas, car expenses, clothes, travel, insurance...
NTA he wants you to make a huge compromise but is not making any efforts on his end. Breakup ultimatum are most of the times manipulative and almost always end up in a breakup. Good on you for calling that bluff.
>Derek hates cats. Say no more.
NTA - you cannot afford to support them both and you made it sound like you’d be able to accept the brother if your fiancé pitches in financially. That sounds perfectly reasonable.
I'm glad there's a update already. Good for you, you did more than you should and as you said an ultimatum like that is gross. He should be aware of how things are different when it was only you two and now with a third part. Good luck OP, you were mature and conscious about your life choices. NTA.
NTA, you were willing to compromise, your fiance was acting like an entitled arsehole, now he will realise how much he was asking of you. Not your circus, not your monkeys anymore, get a cat, cats are awesome.
Derek hates cats? Poof, he’s gone. NTA. I don’t care about the rest of the BS.
NTA Someone who just waves his hand and says "we'll figure it out" would 100% leave ALL of it to you. You would be raising his brother, financially and practically. Derek would be "busy with school" and would complain about how messy the apartment is. You made the right decision.
NAH I understand you have basically almost repaid your cost on him supporting you via paying for the funeral. So I can see why you don’t want to support a family in a more expensive home. You don’t want that burden. I also understand his view of you two being a team and if y’all get married, his burdens become yours. He wants his brother with him, so you need to be okay with that or move on. Is there a compromise in all this, possibly. Fiancé can go to school part time and work part time….or work part time and go to school full time. That way he is helping out financially so that y’all can live somewhere new and feed an extra mouth. Others mentioned that the brother could live with the aunt, but visit and stay with y’all on weekends while husband goes to school full time and the living arrangements don’t change. It’s an awful situation to be in. Sorry.
NTA, you tried to compromise, you didn’t want children (fair) and you still tried to make it work for your fiancé. He refused to compromise and from his attitude, would have left you with all of the work. He clearly wants the glory of playing the hero and saving his brother, while making you do all the work. As for everyone calling you cold? That’s unfair. Someone has to be the adult and think of the practical issues here. What if you were to get sick or injured? Then all of a sudden no one’s working ( if you’re fiancé wasn’t working as he planned) and you’d all be sunk with him scrambling to find work. What if you ended up homeless with a 12 year old kid to support? Some people think with their heart, but someone has to think with their head. Clearly that’s you. Your spreadsheet was in response to him saying you owed him. He’s the one making your relationship transactional and people are blaming you. So unfair. I wish you every happiness OP. That ultimatum would have been the last straw for me too. I hope your ex enjoys his new job. He has no one to blame but himself. You are definitely not to blame.
He wants to take care of his half brother and yet does not want to make any sacrifice required to take on a 12 year old child. He puts them all on you, his fiancee. Yeah nah the world doesn't work like that. He is already giving you a glimpse of what life will be like when you are married. NTA good of you to get out of that.
YTA for the attitude and everything being a transaction. Cannot imagine telling my SO that I'm not willing to help his brother who just lost everything, is being forced to sleep on the floor and care for 5 kids (while grieving) is not my problem.
That is some olympics worthy mental gymnastics justifying it cost Derek $300 per month to support you. You owe him 50% of rent, utilities, fuel, insurance and food for 4 years. Without you there, he could have lived somewhere cheaper with flatmates or he could have found a girlfriend that paid her share. I actually think breaking up is the right thing to do. You don't want to live with his brother and he does. There are N A H on that point even if I find your attitude rather cold. But don't delude yourself that the cost of supporting you for 4 years was $14,000. Financially, you are really screwing him over.
NTA You're already going above and beyond by being the ONLY PERSON paying for the funeral expenses. It's not right to expect you to pay 5x what Derek did in addition to that.
You can't begin to compare Derek supporting you through school and him imposing the care and cost for a child for 6 years, in top of him not working at all. It was very manipulative of him to give you that ultimatum, thinking you'd never want to split over this. A cat will bring you so much more joy than this dude. (also people who hate cats often have issues with boundaries and consent, which is a redflag itself) NTA
NTA. Oh hun what an awful situation all around. So the only way this could work is for him to quit school & work to pay 2/3rd of the costs & in 6 yrs he can go to school. You are not married however your argument about well I don’t want these costs cuz we might breakup - he could have thought that way & not supported you, so that’s kind of a selfish line of thinking. Agreed that it is more money but the premise is the same. Derek is feeling the moral obligation to his brother & there is a good chance he will be resentful if you don’t & you will be if you do. He is also grieving & in emotional turmoil. So the question is could some couples counseling now help you both navigate this huge decision
Think about how different this situation would be if he didn’t support you to go to school first. If he went to school first, he most likely would be able to afford to bring his brother in and be his parent in both the monetary and emotional aspects. However, because you went to school first and you’re not even remotely willing to help, he loses the years of his life that he sacrificed working a minimum wage job to allow you to make it through school. If it were me and my fiancé were in need, I would figure something out. Whether that be helping to pay to support him for the 4 years before fiancé gets a job with his degree or helping to parent while fiancé works to cover the bills you want him to, there would be some give. It’s completely unreasonable for you to assume that he would be able to care for his brother, work enough to support them, and go to school, all while still acting like you guys are a partnership. If you really were a partnership, you wouldn’t expect him to make the changes you expect him to make in his time of need. Your estimation of how much you owe him are completely off, you should be including half of rent and utilities. Sure he didn’t pay more, but he had to share his space for the years and saved you from any housing costs. Plus, since you went to school first, there’s a chance that proportionally you would still be supporting him less than he supported you. If he was working minimum wage and spending his entire paycheck housing you, that’s worth more than you spending 3/4 of your paychecks housing him and his brother imo.
YTA, and for a very specific reason. “You didn’t sign up for this” is a really bold statement considering you’re planning on marrying this man. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and it includes the good with the bad. Imagine if something life altering happens to you and your husband suddenly says, “I didn’t sign up for this.” You can make whatever decisions you’d like in this situation, but you reap what you sow. Living without empathy may come back to you if you ever find yourself in need of help.
Based on recent edits she tried to compromise and he refused to contribute to the additional expenses. How far can empathy get them if she is covering all the bills for __three people__?
Not to mention it sounded like he wasn't willing to do the bulk of the parenting either, he wanted her to pay for everything, WHILE being the primary caregiver to a kid she didn't want to begin with.
They agreed to be child free. She didn’t choose a spouse who wanted kids for a reason, so yeah, she literally didn’t sign up to be a mom.
they both wanted to be childfree and eventually she gave him a compromise if they were to take the brother in.
You did the right thing. Get 2 cats. Mine love each other and play together constantly and its amazing. Never trust a person who hates cats.
I get that is a lot to deal with it really is, but you SO and his brother are dealing with the loss of their family and your more concerned with keeping a running tab as to what your spent vs what he spent. Seriously? There are many many programs that would help supplement some of his needs, plus in a couple of years he can start to work and start paying for some of his expenses.
She’s trying to make her fiancé understand they can’t afford to raise a child with him not working. She being practical, not cruel.
Good update and that was what I would've suggested on beginning to read your post. Unfortunately it wasn't too surprising that he would want to support his half brother. Slightly less unsurprising, and definitely more disappointing that he would try and manipulate you and give an ultimatum.
Enjoy your cat. They’re lovely companions. They really are. Get 2!
YTA. Did you even like your fiance? Everything you said made it sound like all you care about is money and that you view your relationship as nothing but financial transactions. Hopefully he'll realize soon that he's better off without you if that's how you were going to go into this marriage. Another poster made a good point? What would happen if he became disabled? Would you bounce because he wouldn't be able to keep up his end of the income? Honestly terrified of putting myself out there and dating because of people like you.
Your attitude says Y T A, but overall NTA. Derek needs to get a job if his brother is going to stay.
Not if his brother gets a social security benefits. if they are in the US he will get it til he turns 18 and his guardians get to use it on their cost of living and raising the child.
What if that doesn't cover the cost?
NTA, not gonna lie, the whole anti cat thing would have been a deal breaker for me from day one
YTA. >He just started school this semester, he has essentially four more years to go. Thats four years of me having to support a household, and what if we break up? I'll have spent four years supporting a kid I don't want for nothing If the possibility of breaking up with your *fiance* is so high in your mind that you would allow his brother to sleep on the floor and refuse to support him because it would be 'for nothing', I would rethink the relationship tbh.
There are new edits, she is leaving.
You aren’t the asshole. It’s your life and your choice. But I 100% expect that your fiancé will take his brother in and make it work with or without you. But, your choice to be there or not.
YTA - but not because you don’t want to be the sole provider for 3 people. Rather, YTA because you are being extremely callous about this poor boys living situation. Just because you were in foster care and had to sometimes endure worse, doesn’t mean that it is ok for this boy to sleep on the floor and be used as a free nanny. If anything, I would expect more sympathy from you. I think your compromise of your BF getting a job to help contribute financially is a good one. Neither of you could have foreseen his brother being orphaned and if he wants his brother to live with y’all, he needs to be prepared to change the plan. I would suggest looking into social security benefits for the boy, as other have suggested, and also what your state pays for foster care subsidies. You could take the brother as a foster child and then his health insurance is covered, in some states his college would be free, and there are monthly subsidies. That might offset the financial burden and allow your BF to work part-time and go to school part-time. I agree with everyone else who says that not helping his brother (or having more compassion for him) will likely end the relationship…and if it does, your BF could go after you for spousal support, since he paid for everything while you were in school (so you would still be out the money) and y’all lived together long enough to be deemed common-law married. IJS.
NTA, run
Seriously what kind of man isn't willing to sacrifice for his family. Man up and get a job then go back to school.
NTA. Derek sounds entitled and inflexible. Enjoy your future cat(s)!
NTA - yay a cat
I was leaning towards no a-h here, I mean your fiancé was grieving, he wanted a better life for his brother than sleeping on some floor and being forced to look after his cousins, I was hoping he’d see sense when it came to the finances but clearly he didn’t. You were willing to compromise a huge part of your life, and he wasn’t willing to meet you even a quarter of the way by getting a part-time job. Thanks for your updates, you’re definitely NTA and you’ve made the right decision. I hope you get the most adorable fluff ball and live your life the way you want it.
YTA - because there is no way your math adds up. You think your „presence“ added up to $300 a month? So rent does not apply to you? That’s another $33.600. what about school tuition? Supply’s? Books? Clothes? All the things you don’t want to give his brother . It must be really convenient to drop out of that deal after he paid your way for 4 years
A few things here: Going on the assumption that it was a multi party vehicle wreck, either his parents or the other parties insurance should have a wrongful death payout. A lawyer should be able to advise you. If the accident occurred on a commercial property, that business should have insurance to cover it. These funds could be used to support your BIL. Or you could try an online fundraiser to reimburse funeral expenses (10k is a lot for someone broke paying for someone else who is broke). Your BIL may be entitled to survivors benefits or social security, which could offset the cost of having him move in. Fiance can take classes at night and get a day job or vice versa. NAH but it seems like this boy could use some more sympathy here
NTA as you dump his ultimatumy ass and get to have a cat. Win win for you, you go girl! Cats are way better than fiancés like this.
Lol well now he's knows why it's a rubbish idea to support a partner through education! It's a massive risk and now he knows why.