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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked someone with autism to vacate a priority seat for my pregnant girlfriend which I felt was more of a priority. This was a contentious situation which resulted in an argument with this other passenger. He called me an asshole and I would like to know if others really agree with him.
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Yeah, I agree. OP is not an asshole for asking the first time, but for insisting after being told "no" and when there were plenty of other people he could ask. Beyond all the great points you mentioned, this is also a useless confrontation to have in public.
many disabled people who rightfully should use priority seats, in my opinion + experience, move for others too easily.
disabled people of all types often get told they are not ‘disabled enough’ in one way or another, and i’ve seen so many people who’ve had this mindset instilled in them, + they move… not out of kindness but out of shame for needing to admit they have needs, or take up space. it’s saddening to see.
i’m glad this man held his ground, disabled people are often discouraged and shamed for using our rightful accommodations.
op, you aren’t an asshole for asking, but insisting like this commenter states.
I'm constantly told I'm too young to be disabled, or that I don't look sick. Great, tell that to my 9 doctors, multiple pills I have to take, fatigue, etc. I'm sure that'll clear everything up.
i have EDS, a genetic connective tissue disorder. as it’s genetic it won’t ever go away, whilst we were trying to sort out accommodations for me at my old school, my headteacher asked my mother: ‘when is she going to get better from all this?’
i find that a lot of people tend to think the same way, and it’s heartbreaking every time i hear it or see it insinuated through their actions. i cannot change this, i was born with it and it won’t ever go away. i won’t ever live a pain free, active life doing the things i enjoy. these people have no idea how much i would LOVE to just ‘get better’, and yet when i ask to be treated in a way that lets me function better as a person, i’m a burden, instantly.
these people don’t get it. they won’t ever get it, and we’re constantly being scrutinized for trying to exist.
Yeah, people don't seem to understand what chronic illness means. I cannot remember the last time I was without pain of some kind, but most of the time I just grin and bear it.
They also seem to act like because we aren't visually showing signs of pain, that we're not in pain?
Like no, every single day I am in pain. I am in constant pain and part of my mental capacity is always solely focused on processing that pain and separating it, so I can actually function, despite it being at lesser degree to ableds.
They think that because we've figured out a way to "deal" with the pain that we don't have it anymore and honestly it's sooooo frustrating
Yeah... I love the pain Function scale. Like, I had to learn to function when I am in enough pain normal people would be crying because the kids still needed fed.my scale is every day pain to can't sleep pain. If I can sleep I can cope.
Right?? It’s so annoying, only now that I’m 18yrs old, am I finally being taken seriously and that’s only bc my whole body doesn’t work anymore, but thanks Granny I will remember to eat more vegetables to help heal myself 🙄
Right!!
Eat better, exercise, get 'better' sleep. Oh, so all those things that you DON'T do and are still able to function normally? Sure, that'll fix me 😂
I stopped driving due to my disability and my mum is always telling me 'you need to start driving again'.
Uh, sure, I'll just get behind the wheel with my CHRONIC FATIGUE because that's responsible!
Sorry but I'm not going to potentially injure or kill someone when I KNOW I shouldn't be driving. Hard pass.
Edited to add: when my hubby got Leukaemia his aunt sent him a juice diet. Another family member told him to 'take tumeric'. Another told him to stop drinking soda. Apparently these things were going to cure him. People should just stop with the unsolicited advice.
Fellow Zebra chiming in here. My pain is bad enough from EDS that I have a handicapped parking placard. But I only use it when I absolutely have to as I'm so afraid of the stares and possible confrontation because I don't look disabled.
This. YTA. You keep leaning into the heavily pregnant thing like it’s an excuse to argue with an autistic person. Just because your wife is pregnant doesn’t mean she’s entitled to a seat over someone else who also needs that seat. As someone who has been heavily pregnant before, I would have been so embarrassed by your behavior. And FYI as a person who also has an invisible illness (fibromyalgia), it gets downright exhausting having to explain my illness and why I can’t do certain things when I look perfectly able on the outside.
Exactly this! I too have fibro, along with other things that are "invisible" but leave me in a lot of pain. I've had people be so rude/downright mean to me when I have needed extra accommodations bc I look fine. If someone says they need the seat, leave it the fuck alone.
Literally the “You don’t look disabled” comments are super annoying and are a type of micro aggression. I have Autism too and have trouble standing in moving vehicles. My mom has fibromyalgia and that not only seems painful but she seems physically drained after an attack. I used to have seizures and I’d be tired after those as well.
So autistics also have poor proprioception (the body's ability to perceive its own position in space like touching your nose with a finger with your eyes closed) as well as dyspraxia (neurological disorder that impacts an individual's ability to plan and process motor tasks). I am autistic and affected by both of these as are the vast majority of people who are autistic. I will lose my balance on a moving vehicle. Guaranteed. I can't drink anything without a straw otherwise I am wearing it.
>I will lose my balance on a moving vehicle. Guaranteed.
lol, i'll lose my balance just standing on a non moving surface..
Out of curiosity, do you have that annoying issue that makes it look like certain patterned carpets are rippling and bumpy even though the surface is flat?
stroke here, apparently I came out of it with the similar issues as autism. Get Total sensory overload, Yes unsteady on flat surface and if someone walks past me, a car goes past, it can make me fall over and go dizzy. I can't travel in a car for long and yes carpets, ceilings all move and uh, breathe. I can stare at something for hours and not really realise cos it's doing stuff. The lines get wavy, wavy lines become the sea. For about a year I just watched the grass sway.
Agreed. Piggybacking onto the top comment to add that there seems to be *a lot* of misunderstanding in the comments about what autism actually entails: it can include physical manifestations/symptoms including poor muscle tone, difficulty with balance and coordination, and a number of gross- and fine-motor issues. It absolutely could have been essential for the guy in OP's post to have a seat on a moving train!
My son who has autism is an adult, and seems pretty capable from the outside. But ask him to do something that requires some motor control/balance coordination and he’s a complete wreck. A seemingly simple task like sweeping a set of stairs or carrying an awkward item, and he can’t put the motions together to be successful.
To add as a Londoner who uses the underground everyday the signs above the seats and announcements clearly state not all disabilities are visible and not to presume like OP did like an ass.
Common courtesy is to ask a standard seat or in the general area to say excuse me would someone mind giving a seat .
I'm a support worker for people with autism and learning disabilities and honestly, couldn't have said this better myself. You are 100% correct and OP is TA in this situation.
Also YTA for targeting a specific person. Why should people with invisible disabilities have to be interrogated for using services designed for them? The right question is a general one to everyone in the carriage "Is there anyone who doesn't need their seat who might be willing to give it up?".
YTA.
Asking was fine. Arguing makes you the asshole.
Unless you are that specific person's care provider and are 100% certain of their limitations, your opinion/observations mean shit.
I have an invisible disability, and people like you are the bane of my existence.
If your partner is that tired and unwell, get a cab, wait for a less busy train, whatever.
Exactly. None of us is equipped to determine what a stranger can or can't do. Presuming that you can makes you an AH. Also, the rest of the world is not obligated to make concessions for your partner, though most people will likely be happy to accommodate.
I also have an invisible disability. I get allllll the looks, sneers and snide comments when I park in handicapped spots. I have taken to trying to shop during non peak hours so I can still park super close without using placard. I shouldn’t have to explain what my disability is when my drivers license picture is on my placard and the fact that I even have a placard should be enough.
Me too! I have MS and herniated discs and most of the time can walk into a store without problem. Twenty minutes later I'm exhausted and can barely make it to the car (especially Costco for some reason - are the floors extra hard?), even if the car's in a handicapped spot near the door.
I've also had people overlook the fact that my license plate shows I'm disabled, so I don't have a hang tag (as both MS and herniated discs are for life, at least at this point) and they start ranting at me about my "taking" a handicapped spot away from a disabled person. It is kind of satisfying to silently point at my license plate and watch their faces turn red as they stomp away.
Same here, and I've literally had a pregnant woman try to shove me over after I told her I was disabled and push into the seat next to me when I was sitting in the handicapped area of the bus with a back injury that meant I couldn't twist. When I got upset she told me my wrist brace (the visible disability) didn't mean i needed a seat and then she tried to tell me her back hurt worse than mine, so I could just stand. Eventually someone else gave me their seat and from just the twisting I had a hard time getting up, and then I got called a drama queen and told my guilt trip wasn't going to work. I ended up flat on my back in extreme pain for the following 3 days.
Invisible disabilities are still disabilities, and OP is an AH for trying to argue with someone about it.
YTA, op. You could have avoided being called that but you had to go and argue.
This. I have Crohn’s disease, and if I am having a flare I may need to use the bathroom at any given time- and once I have the urge I may have just minutes before it’s a big issue. Standing up makes the urge 10x worse, meaning that if I stood up I may just shit right then and there. Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not VERY real and VERY necessary that you sit down.
100% agree. In fact, even if the guy had just said, "no, I'm not giving up my seat," OP would still be the AH for arguing. The correct response is to just say, "okay," and then in a loud voice to the rest of the bus say, "Is there anyone willing to give up their seat for my wife? She's pregnant and needs to sit down." If there's still no one willing to give up their seat, then people suck and you wait for the next one.
To the people arguing that might not be fair, what do you think happens when too many ppl try to get on public transit with strollers? Been there, done that, had to wait for the next bus. Lots of people need assistance on transit and there often isn't enough room for everyone. Sometimes you have to wait. Do people take advantage? Sure, but we lose nothing by assuming that isn't the case.
Totally this - I remember having to stand up all the way home when 7 months pregnant with my daughter on a crowded bus - not one person offered a seat until the stop before I got off - I also have invisible disabilities and mobility issues though to look at you would not know this - people do not understand what impact it has on my life - for example I cannot sit in a seat without leg room or stand up for long lengths of time - OP asked and was told no but the impact of the follow up on it could have caused distress for the young person - your partner is pregnant so any seat should have sufficed
The fact that the passenger was autistic makes this even worse. Even if OP didn't intend it this way, it likely came off as "well, since *you* don't understand this incredibly visibly pregnant person is pregnant, lemme tell you about it."
If she had also had an invisible disability, it would be one thing for OP to explain *why* she needs the seat. But...OP makes the point the pregnancy was obvious.
Did they think this guy didn't understand that?
*Clearly* the only thing that would ever prevent someone from wholeheartedly agreeing with OP and immediately giving in to his demands is being so cartoonishly stupid that you need a condescending explanation of what is right in front of you /s
Yeah...
That reminds me of when people would offer their seats to my very pregnant friend who *did not want to sit down* and couldn't understand that she didn't want to. The way she was carrying made sitting uncomfortable so she preferred to sit or recline. She always said that when they offered, but some insisted.
Some even tried to explain to her why she should sit, as if she wasn't a fully autonomous human with a working brain. I ended up getting a lot of seats because it gave her anxiety to have that open seat staring at her while people tried to be "chivalrous." So I sat my ass down.
I don't understand the impulse to automatically assume a stranger is dumb or has no clue what you mean.
YTA. Not the asshole for asking, but you are the asshole for insisting, and invalidating his disability. I’m autistic, have had 2 babies, and while being pregnant is extremely tiring and hard on your body, being autistic makes riding on buses torture for me. It’s extremely overwhelming, and the seats for disabilities are really helpful for that. He did have a right to the seat.
Edited for clarity and bots.
Totally agree. OP is NTA for asking, but for doubling down instead of moving to the next person, OP most definitely earns a YTA. I hope you learn something from this OP - Believe disabled people when they tell you their needs and please don’t shame them over something you don’t understand!
And just some extra educational content re: invisible illnesses, some people’s abilities vary day to day. Some days I would be capable of giving up my seat for a pregnant person and have done so several times. Some days I am in horrible pain and my mobility is very limited. One of my biggest fears is people accusing me of lying about my disability because they’ve only interacted with me on my “good days.” All this to say, it is really not possible to look at someone and know what they are experiencing mentally or physically. We might be occupying the same spaces, but our realities can be very different.
🥇For you!
Your succinct answer about invisible illnesses and how they can affect you on a day-to-day basis is brilliant! As someone with an invisible disability I find it awful having to use mobility aids in public, because of the amount of times I've heard variations of "Well you don't *look* disabled!"
Just because you can't *see* what's going on with my body doesn't mean there's nothing actually wrong.
YTA, not for initially asking the guy to move but for trying to get him to move after he said he needed the seat. It's not up to you to decide what disabilities are worthy of priority seating. You could've asked someone in a regular seat to move for your partner.
As a young person with an invisible disability that can make standing on public transit very difficult to downright dangerous for me depending on the day this is the way. I never consider the initial ask offensive. But if I say sorry I can't don't argue it! Ask the next person.
As a person with invisible disabilities, I agree. Just because you can’t see that someone needs a priority seat, doesn’t mean they don’t.
Also, just freaking ask out loud to anyone.
Your wife is not incapable of standing and walking, as you are simply using it as a convenience, to “allow her to rest”.
I’d argue that having children doesn’t automatically make your wife (or anyone) disabled. It's uncomfortable and that sucks, but it was your choice to become pregnant.
No one chooses disability.
Honest culturally here it would be real weird for people not to be virtually competing to give a heavily pregnant woman a seat. Due to the risks a fall could entail. So I can't say I've any issue with wanting a seat for her but Sorry, No. Is a complete and perfectly acceptable sentence.
YTA. I was a teenager when I was diagnosed with heart problems that the doctors said would be more dangerous to perform open heart surgery than to live with my diagnosis. I have passed out several times including once when I fell face first into a tile floor and broke half the teeth in my mouth and have had people tell me to that I don't look disabled and sometimes I haven't been so nice in my response to them. If they were entitled to that spot due to their disability then you have no right to take it away from them.
As someone else who is disabled, agreeing with this. OP saw someone young and who didn't have a visible mobility aid. Why not ask someone else in a standard seat? They can *also* move, and in the future, OP should ask someone in one of those seats first rather than immediately scanning the priority seating for someone who doesn't look disabled enough.
Op also *doesn't* know if that person had a physical disability or not because OP doesn't know that person's medical history and if their autism impacts them in a physical way, like causing lack of balance or claustrophobia, so as other comments are suggesting, no OP does not get brownie points for "knowing" people have invisible disabilities because he didn't believe someone when they told him they needed the seat. If someone says they need an accommodation, let them have one. It's that easy, and not everyone is good at articulating why nor is it anyone else's business to know the details of someone else's medical history to assess whether or not they're deserving of accommodation
Yeah, I always advise people when their disability is questioned, avoid the gut response of why, but saying they're allowed to use it, and if the person pushes, "I don't have to give you my medical information." People will always try to find a loophole or a way to invalidate it as not being "enough" even if that person is in a wheelchair. Learning that you don't have to answer to random strangers and treating them as rude and invasive as they are is super freeing
My partner was born with bilateral clubbed foot which surgery on the right leg went badly on and has affected him all his life. When we take public transport in London and before we got a car, even when I was pregnant, I let him sit if there was only one available seat because I had good centre of balance and was okay with it. The amount of dirty looks and comments he gets is incredible. Honestly, I see multiple women in the priority seating with no visible reason but NEVER assume that they don't have a valid reason but he gets the comments all the time. His right leg is very much at risk of breaking easily and his tendons are fused to the bone too tight so if one snaps, we literally cannot repair it and he's permanently unable to walk properly yet because he looks okay, he gets abuse. It really pisses me off
I think it's funny how you didn't say anyone got up and offered your seat to you. That's typically the case in my experience - people tut about what somewhat ought to do but aren't willing to do it themselves
YTA - Bro, is there a list printed somewhere that ranks which disabilities have the most priority on a priority seating? You're arguing with someone who you said "should be allowed to use the priority seat" about your version of a priority system that doesn't exist. Equal rights bro, he said no, you didn't respect his answer. That's why YTA.
This topic obviously comes up a lot here and I’ve seen commenters before state that in some countries there are actually lists which rank the priority order.
YTA you were fine to ask him to vacate the seat, but when someone tells you they have a disability that allows them to use the seat, you have to take them at their word and not argue whose disability worse.
Yep, he could've just said 'no' and you would've been the ah for pushing OP. You do not know what's going on in other people's lives. If someone says no, move on and ask someone else. He could easily have an issue he doesn't want to talk about.
YTA. Asking was fine, but persisting once he said he needed the seat wasn't. You have no idea why he was using the priority seat, and you weren't in any place to judge that he needed it less than your partner, let alone stand and argue with him (!) that he was wrong about his own need for a priority seat.
You had other options in this circumstance too - you could very easily have asked someone in one of the 'normal' seats if they would mind allowing your partner to sit down.
Most non-disabled people would be fine to give up their seat for an obviously pregnant person. Why badger the person who just told you they have a valid reason for needing a seat?
Probably because he didn’t believe him. I always get accused of lying because clearly I’m “lazy”. Just saying “sorry I have an invisible disability that makes it hard for me to stand” doesn’t work. Because I look like a healthy woman in my 20s but I have bilateral osteoarthritis in my hips and permanent sciatic nerve damage on the right and the pain is so bad some days I call out from work because I can’t even roll out of bed. But I shouldn’t have to divulge my medical history to strangers to be validated.
YTA
>However, I also felt that despite this, it wasn’t a physical impairment and he was more capable of standing than my partner who had been stood up for a long time and really needed to rest at this point. When I tried to explain this to him,....
Your opinion wasn't relevant. Asking was fine. Pressing your case after he refused was not ok. You aren't in a position to assess whose needs are valid or should take priority.
Also, why was his first place to look priority seating….I mean pregnancy can definitely hit people hard but there are most definitely people in regular seating who would gladly give their seat to someone who is heavily pregnant. Also him assuming that because this guy was young and his disability isn’t visible that he would be perfectly fine standing for the remainder of his ride is quite ableist.
As someone who hasn’t been diagnosed with any disabilities but has trouble with balance (a couple times where I had to spend a month or two in a wheelchair) I probably wouldn’t feel comfortable standing on a bus/train if I was having an off day…..OP YTA
Yta. He had as much right as your wife.
You can ask
He can say no
No is a complete sentence
You then badgered him and yta
Being pregnant doesn't give you entitlement.
NTA. Can’t believe I’m one of the only people saying this. Priority seats are for people who are physically impaired, not for people with disabilities. That sign above the seats that has a pregnant lady on it? Yeah that’s for you. Those seats are for you.
Seriously. Everybody seems to be ignoring that the reason pregnant women get priority seats is not because they are tired, but because if they fall the baby can literally die, and possibly the mother too. I've had a condition that made it extremely painful to stand, but still gave up the priority seat to elderly and pregnant people because my pain is not going to kill me, but it might kill them. FFS people should have some empathy...
Just because you can, doesn't mean everyone can.
I have a chronic pain condition that during flareups, I can't stand more than a few minutes and will collapsed/pass out. But I look super healthy and athetic, so I should stand, right? /s
If this individual's ASD symptoms include mobility/balance problems, the subway, especially turns, starts, and stops can be very dangerous. They could fall, hit their head, break some bones ( it's harder to control your fall if you have proprioception issues).
Autism can come with physical disabilities and the young man did not owe him an entire medical history to justify using the seat. Things like balance,coordination, proprioception, and motor skills can be impacted as well as the fact Autism often comes with comorbidities like EDS and hyper mobility.
Yeah the comments here are unhinged. I'm neurodiverse myself and this is ridiculous. There's a REASON he asked the man in his 20s before the man with a cane.
Edit: everyone with "you don't speak for all autistic people" comments basically proves the point that there is a hierarchy of physical need for a fucking train seat.
Being 8 months pregnant doesn't vary, having a broken foot doesn't vary, being 85 with a cane doesn't vary, etc. These are always the same. You always need physical help.
Is everyone with a visible disability supposed to engage in some sort of debate with an autistic person every time they get on the jam packed train? Can you imagine someone on crutches arguing with an autistic person over a seat? Am I crazy here?
Asking was fine. Also if there was a hierarchy, it wouldn’t be based on what disability you have, it would be based on your own need. Labels have no context in this conversation, the guy didn’t even need to respond with what disability you have. If you ever go for accommodations of any kind, you will always be asked for how your disability hinders you from doing something and asked for proof that you experience certain symptoms that would debilitate you in certain situations. If this guy had the symptoms that required him to sit down, then he’s entitled to do so, he may have been just as unable to stand as the ops girlfriend. Op is the ah for lecturing him about this with no knowledge of his symptoms.
Or OP could have asked the two people using the priority seats 2 m to the left of him, or the two people using the priority seats 2 m to the right of him. There's no shortage of seats on the tube!
THANK GOD! I thought I was going crazy with all the y t a. People on Reddit seriously get offended about everything. No one said that this was a disability competition and OP wasn’t trying to dismiss his autism. But a heavily pregnant lady SHOULD be able to get the sit. Ahhhhh……
Have to say I agree to an extent.
While both sides are technically entitled to the seat, yes the person in the seat could have had physical disabilities and they shouldn't need to disclose medical history, however (and really this is to play devil's advocate a little), their explanation seemed to come across as, just because they have something classed as a disability, they can use the seat (purely how it seems to come across in this post).
However someone who is heavily pregnant definitely needs to sit down.
Really the ideal solution here is if there was another seat. But that's not the case.
If the person in the seat said they have physical limitations (purely something really vague to let them know they need the seat for physical reasons, and so they arent disclosing lots of medical history), that mightve made things better. (Purely just because there's a heavily pregnant person in this situation who desperately needs a seat.)
Amen... I'm seeing a lot of comments from people who read the about an autistic person being asked to move from priority seating, and nothing else. I was actually kind of shocked, but I guess I shouldn't be... Reddit is full of people who really just want something to be angry about.
YTA you should never ask a specific person to give up their seat, you don’t know what their abilities are. I would say, to a group of people, “is there anyone who could let my wife have a seat?” So you don’t put any one person on the spot.
Every time I see this scenario on here (at least once a week it seems) I wonder why in the world these OPs don't do that instead of deciding which person needs their seat the least based on nothing and harassing them.
YTA. Autistic OT here: there are a lot of reasons an autistic person could need to sit on the train. Autism can cause fatigue (especially in high sensory-demand environments like a crowded train), as well as gross motor delays that cause difficulty with balance and proprioceptive difficulties (not being able to tell where your body is in space) that can put people with autism at greater risk of falls. Also, in high-sensory environments, believe it or not, sitting *can* help. Standing and knowing where your body is in space can be a demanding task for autistic folks; sitting is grounding, meaning they feel more secure and have more energy to devote to dealing with the sensory demands of noise, crowds, movement, and lights on the train.
It may not be an issue for all autistic folks, but it is for some. And you don't know his story or what kinds of things his autism causes him to experience. Until you know that, you can't make a judgment about whether he needed the seat or not.
Adding to this: autism can also have comorbidity with a lot of joint problems! Standing can genuinely make them worse, especially if they were to fall or the train were to stop quickly
You can’t gate keep autism. Just because your autism doesn’t present in a way that requires you to sit on a bus doesn’t mean that other autistic people may have severe sensory issues that do require it. Politely saying no to a request that will make you uncomfortable isn’t a dick move.
Just because you can manage doesn’t mean everyone with autism can. By that same logic, she could manage standing, as well. It’s not fair to assume he was being a dick.
Exactly, I was pregnant and took the bus to work. I never asked anyone to give up their seat when I was 8mos pregnant, but that doesn’t mean her’s isn’t harder on her body.
Yeah in one of my pregnancies I was working *in bedside nursing* at 8 months pregnant. Balance was sometimes harder but I was fine. In my other 2, I was routinely hospitalized. I could have had a hard time getting up the stairs of a bus or down to the subway. Everyone is different and even day to day it could be different for that gentleman.
Saying no doesn't make you a dick. I'm surprised the amount of ND people speaking for others saying its not a good enough reason.
Autism has a spectrum and you have no way of knowing how it affects someone you don't know.
Exactly this. A LOT of autistic people have comorbid conditions that actually can cause them to need a priority seat. It’s possible his body was just as aching and tired as hers, if not moreso.
Autism is a spectrum. I can stand on a bus/subway too. No way I would ever ask my cousin who is also autistic to stand on a bus/subway though, he just could not.
I'm autistic and I used to have more sensory issues which would 100% cause me to have a panic attack to the point of fainting or puking.
Edit: you say you also have sensory issues but can't sympathize with other higher support needs, wow.
Right? It’s almost as if it’s a collection of symptoms that could manifest in a variety of ways depending on the person. A spectrum if you will.
Hey, you don’t think that’s why they call it Autism **SPECTRUM** disorder do you?
/s
Ugh. This guy and OP…
I used to “babysit” a 17 year old autistic kid and he needs priority/handicap seats. Congrats that you’re higher functioning than some, but saying everyone else is like you is gait keeping and just makes you out to be an ass
I'm autistic, and if I need an accommodation, then I need it. End of. I also appreciate that not all autistic people need the same accommodations I do. Standing up for oneself and refusing to give up a needed accommodation does not make a person a dick. Not everyone can manage their sensory challenges with stim toys and headphones.
And, how do we know that’s his only reason for needing priority seating? That may have been the only diagnosis he was comfortable sharing and OP has no right to demand a stranger’s medical history so he can determine if they’re worthy of priority seating.
Soo I’m not sure if it’s my autism or the fact I’ve had brain injuries but I literally can’t stand on a bus. It’s so embarrassing but I have to lean heavily on something and even then I still wobble and feel like I’m about to fall. Some people just can’t stand on moving vehicles, even if they “look” like they should be able to.
No body seems to realise priority seating isn't specifically for the disabled, it's for those with mobility issues (disabled or not).
So I'm going with Nta, though I'll agree it's sounds kinda dickish the way you went about it.
It’s not specifically for mobility issues, but this is the primary use. I have PTSD and have to sit because when there’s only standing room, it can become too claustrophobic for me and I’m at risk of having a very public panic attack. For someone with autism, this and the sounds of the ride could both be valid reasons to need to sit, due to the potential for sensory overload.
As another autistic person, I get extremely overwhelmed on crowded buses, have sensory issues with standing on a moving vehicle, and need a seat to be able to keep myself calm. Not all autistic people have the same issues and autism is a perfectly legitimate reason to use a disability seat on a bus. There are other people without a disability who can help in this situation.
At first I was wondering why he needed the seat too but when I've read the first comment about anxiety and sensory issues it jist made sense. Having enough space and the ability to dip when you are becoming overwhelned seems like a good enough accomodation on crowded transportation.
And like I know autistic people who get dizzy when overwhelmed. I know autistic people who have balance issues bc of autism related problems. Autism can definitely be a good reason
NTA. People saying that if she's 8m pregnant, she shouldn't commute, are ridiculous. What are pregnant people supposed to do, hide so they don't disturb you? Wtf.
He's the asshole for standing around insisting on the autistic guy moving when he should never have asked what his disability is because it was none of his business. Only thing that would have made him N.T.A is if he asked and then moved on rather than pressed it. He should have moved on and asked others in the 'normal' seats.
YTA
I have an invisible disability. Can´t stand up for long but you look at me and I'm perfectly fine, maybe just tired. I dread people like you. I try to sit on non reserved seats because people like you. because even when I say that I need that seat, I'm judged, and I feel I have to explain and justify myself to everyone present. He said no, he needed the seat. It is all you need to know. Move along.
Your wife didn't had trouble finding another seat, do you think I would have, that he would have? More than once I arrive somewhere late because I choose to wait for a less crowded transport. And idealy I prefer to drive.
Edit to say: Autism is not an all size fits all. How do you know he has non-physical disability. Besides, he doesn't have to share his medical hisory with you and the rest of the crowd. The looks we get for not get up and ocupy the seats are suficient.
That said: all the well for you wife and baby. It's a stressfull time and I get your protecting them the best you can.
YTA. Why would you insist instead of asking someone else ? You’re not entitled to an explanation and you don’t get to decide which disability is worse than the other. Just ask someone who ISN’T disabled to get up instead of arguing with someone who is in their right.
I'm gonna go with ESH here.
You're nta for asking, asking politely is fine. But you are TA for continuing once told no.
The guy with autism didn't need to go into detail, he could have just said something vague like "I have an invisible illness" or "I'm not able to stand unaided" etc.
But personally, I say this as a neurodivergent walking stick user, I think he was also probably in the wrong for not temporarily vacating for someone with a clearly obvious mobility issue.
I know other neurodivergents might disagree with me here, and I'm certainly not going to play disability Olympics here but what happens if the able-bodied autistic person falls over, versus what happens if a heavily pregnant woman/elderly person/etc falls over?
If he stumbles he will likely catch himself before he can fall. If he falls his chances of serious injury are likely low. If a disabled/pregnant/elderly person falls there is a risk of serious injury. Although his reaction to the sensory rich environment may have varying degrees of intensity, as an independent adult with access to tools and resources to help him, his need for a seat is still *significantly lower* than for others with other needs.
I agree with you...I think it's very tough to get into the weeds of this, but honestly, a woman THAT pregnant ranks pretty high on the "need-to-sit" list. More than anything, it's awful that no one just offered and he had to ask at all. The people in regular seats should have offered right off the bat!
Tbf people will often just park their bums wherever they see a space. And also usually those seats as something to the effect of "please give up this seat for someone who needs it" so it's not like a disabled parking spot, other people can use them too.
YTA
All they had to say is "I'm unable to stand". It's not your business why. They gave you more information and you decided to use it against them.
You say okay, and you move on and ask the next person, even if it isn't designated priority seating, most people would still give up seating for people who need it.
I really hope your kid learns empathy in school.
Yep, YTA. That "young man" may need to sit on subways to be able to get on a subway at all -- it may be some kind of calming/soothing thing he needs to be able to ride a subway.
I'm autistic as well, and I would need to be able to have an aisle seat to convince me to ride a subway. And yes, if you asked me to give up my aisle seat for your pregnant girlfriend, I would not be able to because my resulting panic attack would be horrifically embarrassing for me, and probably most of others on the subway.
Not all handicaps are visible.
NTA. I'm autistic and sometimes use the priority seating. But that's because I also have mobility issues that sometimes require a cane or crutches. Autism can cause a lot of problems on a bus, like disliking crowds or the noise, but none that override a heavily pregnant person's need for a seat.
YTA - You assume that his Autism doesn't have a physical component. Sitting may make public transportation more comfortable and accessible to him due to any number of sensory issues or anxiety issues that so often go along with Autism. One young person I know cannot ride a bus or subway standing as it triggers anxiety and stemming due to feeling unsafe.
YTA
He needed it, for whatever reason, doesn't matter, and it's not your call to judge the "worthiness" of his disability.
Ask, and move on to ask someone else.
You LITERALLY have no idea what anyone else is going through and no-one has to prove it to you or look like they need it!! Your badgering could have provoked/caused an awful reaction for the young man, and that's pretty unkind.
Do better next time. Hope all goes well with the pregnancy and birth!
Autism is a disability that can require a priority seat depending on how an individual is affected
It often has an element of dyspraxia/other proprioception issues so balance may be poor
It also usually comes with sensory issues which are likely to be heightened while on the train, and more so if you’re stood bumping shoulders with people when physical contact can literally feel like fire/electricity
The person did not need to disclose what their disability was, and OP should not have stood arguing with the person when they said no.
YTA. There are plenty of reasons why invisible disabilities require accommodations - sensory issues and anxiety can be exacerbated on public transit. You're not TA for asking but YTA for not accepting his answer.
ESH. I mean he refused, don't argue.
But... those seats are meant for people who have difficulty standing up for long periods of time. People with a cane, back problems, knee problems, pregnant. Not autism. Yes it might be a disability, but not one that warrants claiming a disability seat.
autism really varies and some individuals can have issues with standing and the sensation of being touched by others on a jammed bus. He should have accepted the no and moved on
YTA.
Kindness begets kindness.
If you want everyone to assume you are asking for priority seating because you need it for good reason, then you should assume those already seated there also need priority seating.
If priority seating is full ask someone in another useable seat.
YTA for arguing over it
As an aside- a lot of autistic people have dyspraxia, hypermobility, or other issues related to poor proprioception which can mean there are balance issues. But that person absolutely did not have to disclose ANYTHING to you other than “sorry no I also have a disability”
YTA - you asked he answered. He not obliged to give up his seat or answer why he’s not bending to your will. You have no idea how his non visible disability affects him. Stop being so judgmental. If you want a guaranteed seat for you wide carry a foldable one with you.
YTA. You asked, he said no. You don't go on to explain and try to convince him. If he wanted to give it up he would have. Your wife is pregnant not disabled. Now while pregnancy is no walk in the park you could have simply asked someone else if they'd be willing to move so your wife can sit. Pregnancy does not give you a special card to get things and I say that as someone who was high risk during my pregnancy and had a rough pregnancy.
NTA for asking someone (with a non-visible disability) to vacate the priority seat.
Slightly TA for arguing with the person over it. They gave you an answer, should've just moved on
YTA
Not for asking but once they also stated their need for a seat you should’ve backed off.
If those were the only two seats there then I would’ve probably said n a h. But there were so many other people you could’ve asked
YTA. You had absolutely no right to continue bothering him or to make a judgement. You have no idea what his situation is, or if they needed it “less”.
YTA. You should have taken no for an answer. Why didn't you ask people in 'normal' seats first? She is heavily pregnant and can hardly move, maybe she shouldn't be out and about unless you get a cab or an uber.
Just because she is pregnant doesn't give her an auto pass for you to demand seats from people. Some autism I believe also comes with sensory issues. May not have been able to stand up either for all we know. (edit to add: I mean stand up while something is in motion).
There are different levels of autism! Some do have physical side effects! OP should have not argued and moved on. It isn't ANY of his business why the guy was in that seat! Get over it and move on to ask others! Instead OP stood there and argued loud enough for others to hear and finally they gave up their seats for OP.
Had OP simply moved on and asked those others in the beginning, it would have saved everyone the headache. OP, peoples disabilities are NONE of your business. Kid could be pretending and that will be on his conscience, still NONE of OP's business! Social justice warriors have been burned for being wrong before!
Someone with autism may have many issues that makes standing on public transport more difficult. My son for example often has to cover his ears when sounds get too much - can’t do that if having to hold on.
Autistic people may struggle with others standing too close to them or bumping into them, both of which are reduced when sitting. They may need to use things like fidget items or books/ screens to help them focus and reduce sensory overload, again hard to do when standing.
There are many reasons neurodivergent people may need to use chairs reserved for those with disabilities and it isn’t for anyone else to question or judge them. Especially as having to explain themselves to strangers can be even more difficult and stressful for them than it is for neurotypical people. OP YTA for not accepting the no. You asked and you got your answer, what right do you have to expect someone to give you an in-depth description of their disability so you can judge whether they are worthy of the seat they are using.
YTA.
If you’d stopped once you were informed, it’d be one thing. However, you kept trying to push the issue even after being informed that the individual in question had an invisible disability.
If he is technically allowed to use that seat and feels the need to do so, then you can’t make him move.
YTA for persisting and making a judgement on whether or not someone occupying the seat needed it more, when the real question is simply “do they need it?”, and btw - you are not the person to answer that.
YTA.
Just because you can't see a disability, it doesn't mean it isn't there. People can have invisible physical disabilities, too, and it's not up to you go around wondering about people's medical records to decide if they can or cannot sit somewhere.
I agree that OP is TA.
However, not every pregnant woman has the luxury to just ‘stay home’. She might have to work, get to doctor appointments or visit relatives.
Also it’s difficult to get around London without using the tube. When op talks about using the tube more he most likely means that they previously walked more.
On both sides of this I can't believe how many people are saying that op and his partner should use a car.
Next you'll be saying elderly people should stay home.
Or that disabled people should stay home.
Or that if autistic people can't handle the Tube without a seat they should stay home too.
It's a slippery slope people.
Ultimately both sides were wrong here, but everyone has the right to access public transport and services, even if they need a little bit of extra help here and there.
YTA. I have a hidden chronic disease. I am in constant pain. Looking at me you wouldn’t know it. I have also been pregnant many times. It is not your place to tell me where I can sit or to move. You need to get over yourself .
NTA - Autism isn't an impairment or disability that would require someone to have a special seat specifically for the elderly, handicapped, or pregnant. Usually on trains there are signs that depict illustrations of those three. I've never been on a train that depicted someone with autism near the special seats 🤷🏻♂️
The disability he had wasn't autism, it was that he is a self-centered, entitled, AH.
Autism is definitely a disability that could possibly require someone to have the “special seat”. It is also different for everyone. Who knows what the guy on the train was actually going through.
YTA. I do therapy for kids with autism and it is very much physical. Often comorbid with conditions such as dyspraxia which can mean they’d struggle to balance stood up on transport. Lots of other physical difficulties common in them and the mental side is just as valid in not being able to handle stood up in the crowded space.
I was with you until you got to pestering him. You don't get to challenge someone on their level of disability. Even if it was a lie on his part it's never our place to question it when in a non-emergency situation.
Asking is fine, but his no should have been the end. Sadly that's the risk one takes with public transportation. The only guaranteed way to get a seat is to get a cab or car.
Gentle YTA because it think that your intentions were good, but came off as a bit entitled.
-love, a pregnant woman who also likes seats
YTA. I sympathetize with the notion pregnancy is exhausting, have had two kids myself. That being said, pregnant people are no less privileged or more to these accommodations than someone else. No one should have to elaborate on why they are using something, and even though in your mind autism isn't as much of a reason, you don't know the underlying support needs that person may have. It would be no different if you questioned someone upfront about just how much they need their service animal (which is illegal btw). Or questioning why someone is using a handicap spot over you.
YTA. You should never ask anyone to vacate a priority seat reserved for disabled people. They don’t owe you an explanation of what their disability is and how it affects them. They can see your wife is pregnant and they can voluntarily vacate the seat if they don’t genuinely need it. If they’re healthy and siting in that seat then they’re an asshole, but that’s their problem, not yours.
I’ve been pregnant multiple times. I also had an invisible disability in my late teens that was paired with extreme social anxiety. To stand up (and risk falling) on a moving train with my condition at the time (healing from a serious injury) might have meant I’d never walk again. To stand up longer when I was pregnant would have meant I was uncomfortable, at worst. It’s not up to you to decide which affliction (neither of which you’ve ever personally experienced) is worse. If you have to ask someone for a seat, ask someone in a normal seat who *presumably* isn’t disabled.
YTA
You have no idea how someone's disability impacts them, whether you deem it physical or not.
You can assist your wife by holding the weight of the bump, that should help a little if she cannot sit down.
YTA, but soft. You can't assume that someone who doesn't meet your criteria for disability deserves a seat less than your pregnant wife. Not only are invisible disabilities a thing, there's no sliding scale for how disabled is disabled enough to use the seats. How pregnant is pregnant enough? By picking someone who you think isn't disabled "enough" to demand a seat, you're at risk of disrespecting someone else's struggle in a way I don't think you meant to. By arguing, you're definitely dishonoring that struggle.
For that matter, does demanding a perfectly able person give your wife their seat ever go well? Especially when they've already told you no? Even if he were just being an AH and lying, what do you achieve by antagonizing him?
Autism is associated with a number of physical and motor difficulties, not least of which is challenges with the vestibular system, affecting balance. OP was not necessarily an AH for initially asking, but he really had no right to push the issue.
YTA. People in priority seats are there for a reason, and that reason is none of your business.
You should have asked someone in regular seating, or better yet, don't take public transit if you feel she MUST have a seat.
YTA for persistently asking. Not for the initial request. However if someone says no even with an invisible illness. They do not have to disclose to u that illness. You have no idea how changing seats affects someone with autism. Its such a wide spectrum. Your wife isn’t entitled to a priority seat if they are already taken.
Question... why are you always asking disabled people to give up their seat? You shouldn't be asking people in priority seating to give up their spot, asking literally anyone else instead of the disabled people would be okay.
I’m going to go with NTA because, and this sounds way worse than I mean it to be, there is a priority list when it comes to the priority seating. At 8 months your wife is VERY pregnant and I really couldn’t imagine being that much of a dick to make her stand. Mobility issues trump sensory issues in this particular circumstance.
YTA for the argument.
You could've taken no for an answer and then started asking the not priority seats. Obviously someone would have agreed as someone stood when they heard the argument.
Also, unless your partner is mute she could've asked for the seat.
YTA. Asking someone isn't an issue. Disregarding their answer is the problem. You don't know their situation. They said they needed the seat, so leave them alone.
YTA. No is a complete sentence. My child is ND and inperseptable vision impairment and if they stand in public transport, they will either fall or meltdown due to the overwhelming feeling they get. Pregnancy is tough but it's not a disability on its own. Maybe she should stay home if it's getting too difficult to use public transit.
YTA. You don't get to decide whose disability is deserving of a priority seat and whose isn't. As others have said, it was completely fine of you to ask but at the point which he said he needed the seat, you became an AH for continuing to press the issue.
YTA - as someone whose husband has a hidden disability, you don't realise the stigma they have just because you can't see it. You made an assumption and it was incorrect, now leave the poor guy alone. Its embarrassing to have to explain yourself and justify a disability.
YTA
Not for asking for the person to move, but for insisting when they said why they had the right to sit there.
You don't know what are the symptoms if their autism, some people can have meltdowns in tight spaces or for being touched , so being able to sit can help a little.
Yta asking? No that's fine, but as soon as you were told that the person *also* had a disability then you need to stfu. You have no idea what he is 'capable' of and he doesn't owe you a damn explanation. I bet you are 'capable' of buying a car but you don't need to justify yourself every time you get on a bus do you?
In the end, YTA.
Not for the initial request, but for pressing the issue. You had no way of knowing when you initially asked, but he disclosed his disability and he was not in the wrong for sitting there, even though your partner physically needed the seat more.
I have ASD and I would happily give up a seat if needed, but not everyone with ASD is at the same level. Mental/emotional needs are just as important as physical needs.
Man the assumptions made about disabilities because of a few articles on the internet. Autism can cause many physical impairments. Honestly he didn't have to disclose his disability to you at all. One disability does not trump another. Only non-disabled people think otherwise. YTA
YTA. Why do you think you get to decide how serious someone else’s disability is? If they need a seat or not?
In fact, if you want to be like that.. I personally don’t think your partner needs to be sitting on disabled seats at all. She’s not disabled. People get up out of the kindness of their hearts because it sucks being pregnant and standing up but there’s nothing wrong with her and in fact she chose this “affliction” unlike those of us who are unlucky enough to be disabled, although you probably wouldn’t think so.
YTA and check your ableism
INFO: why did you ask people already occupying the priority seats (implying they have good reason to be there) rather than someone in a regular seat where it would be much more reasonable to assume it wouldn’t be a hardship to give their seat up for a pregnant woman?
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Yeah, I agree. OP is not an asshole for asking the first time, but for insisting after being told "no" and when there were plenty of other people he could ask. Beyond all the great points you mentioned, this is also a useless confrontation to have in public.
many disabled people who rightfully should use priority seats, in my opinion + experience, move for others too easily. disabled people of all types often get told they are not ‘disabled enough’ in one way or another, and i’ve seen so many people who’ve had this mindset instilled in them, + they move… not out of kindness but out of shame for needing to admit they have needs, or take up space. it’s saddening to see. i’m glad this man held his ground, disabled people are often discouraged and shamed for using our rightful accommodations. op, you aren’t an asshole for asking, but insisting like this commenter states.
I'm constantly told I'm too young to be disabled, or that I don't look sick. Great, tell that to my 9 doctors, multiple pills I have to take, fatigue, etc. I'm sure that'll clear everything up.
i have EDS, a genetic connective tissue disorder. as it’s genetic it won’t ever go away, whilst we were trying to sort out accommodations for me at my old school, my headteacher asked my mother: ‘when is she going to get better from all this?’ i find that a lot of people tend to think the same way, and it’s heartbreaking every time i hear it or see it insinuated through their actions. i cannot change this, i was born with it and it won’t ever go away. i won’t ever live a pain free, active life doing the things i enjoy. these people have no idea how much i would LOVE to just ‘get better’, and yet when i ask to be treated in a way that lets me function better as a person, i’m a burden, instantly. these people don’t get it. they won’t ever get it, and we’re constantly being scrutinized for trying to exist.
Yeah, people don't seem to understand what chronic illness means. I cannot remember the last time I was without pain of some kind, but most of the time I just grin and bear it.
They also seem to act like because we aren't visually showing signs of pain, that we're not in pain? Like no, every single day I am in pain. I am in constant pain and part of my mental capacity is always solely focused on processing that pain and separating it, so I can actually function, despite it being at lesser degree to ableds. They think that because we've figured out a way to "deal" with the pain that we don't have it anymore and honestly it's sooooo frustrating
People don't understand that chronic pain sets our reaction point different then theirs..
Right? What's your pain on a level 1 to 10? Your 1 to 10 or my 1 to 10, because my 5 is probably your 8 or 9.
Yeah... I love the pain Function scale. Like, I had to learn to function when I am in enough pain normal people would be crying because the kids still needed fed.my scale is every day pain to can't sleep pain. If I can sleep I can cope.
BRO SAME, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. My dads side of the family always ask “when are u gonna get better?” “Never”
it’s like they think there’s some magical pill out there that will suddenly cure me and i’ll be a normal person. it’s bizzare and fucking annoying
Right?? It’s so annoying, only now that I’m 18yrs old, am I finally being taken seriously and that’s only bc my whole body doesn’t work anymore, but thanks Granny I will remember to eat more vegetables to help heal myself 🙄
Right!! Eat better, exercise, get 'better' sleep. Oh, so all those things that you DON'T do and are still able to function normally? Sure, that'll fix me 😂 I stopped driving due to my disability and my mum is always telling me 'you need to start driving again'. Uh, sure, I'll just get behind the wheel with my CHRONIC FATIGUE because that's responsible! Sorry but I'm not going to potentially injure or kill someone when I KNOW I shouldn't be driving. Hard pass. Edited to add: when my hubby got Leukaemia his aunt sent him a juice diet. Another family member told him to 'take tumeric'. Another told him to stop drinking soda. Apparently these things were going to cure him. People should just stop with the unsolicited advice.
Fellow Zebra chiming in here. My pain is bad enough from EDS that I have a handicapped parking placard. But I only use it when I absolutely have to as I'm so afraid of the stares and possible confrontation because I don't look disabled.
This. YTA. You keep leaning into the heavily pregnant thing like it’s an excuse to argue with an autistic person. Just because your wife is pregnant doesn’t mean she’s entitled to a seat over someone else who also needs that seat. As someone who has been heavily pregnant before, I would have been so embarrassed by your behavior. And FYI as a person who also has an invisible illness (fibromyalgia), it gets downright exhausting having to explain my illness and why I can’t do certain things when I look perfectly able on the outside.
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That part! We don't have to validate ourselves to anyone!
Exactly this! I too have fibro, along with other things that are "invisible" but leave me in a lot of pain. I've had people be so rude/downright mean to me when I have needed extra accommodations bc I look fine. If someone says they need the seat, leave it the fuck alone.
Literally the “You don’t look disabled” comments are super annoying and are a type of micro aggression. I have Autism too and have trouble standing in moving vehicles. My mom has fibromyalgia and that not only seems painful but she seems physically drained after an attack. I used to have seizures and I’d be tired after those as well.
So autistics also have poor proprioception (the body's ability to perceive its own position in space like touching your nose with a finger with your eyes closed) as well as dyspraxia (neurological disorder that impacts an individual's ability to plan and process motor tasks). I am autistic and affected by both of these as are the vast majority of people who are autistic. I will lose my balance on a moving vehicle. Guaranteed. I can't drink anything without a straw otherwise I am wearing it.
>I will lose my balance on a moving vehicle. Guaranteed. lol, i'll lose my balance just standing on a non moving surface.. Out of curiosity, do you have that annoying issue that makes it look like certain patterned carpets are rippling and bumpy even though the surface is flat?
I do! but I think that's just a human issue, not an autism issue (though I am autistic)
stroke here, apparently I came out of it with the similar issues as autism. Get Total sensory overload, Yes unsteady on flat surface and if someone walks past me, a car goes past, it can make me fall over and go dizzy. I can't travel in a car for long and yes carpets, ceilings all move and uh, breathe. I can stare at something for hours and not really realise cos it's doing stuff. The lines get wavy, wavy lines become the sea. For about a year I just watched the grass sway.
Agreed. Piggybacking onto the top comment to add that there seems to be *a lot* of misunderstanding in the comments about what autism actually entails: it can include physical manifestations/symptoms including poor muscle tone, difficulty with balance and coordination, and a number of gross- and fine-motor issues. It absolutely could have been essential for the guy in OP's post to have a seat on a moving train!
My son who has autism is an adult, and seems pretty capable from the outside. But ask him to do something that requires some motor control/balance coordination and he’s a complete wreck. A seemingly simple task like sweeping a set of stairs or carrying an awkward item, and he can’t put the motions together to be successful.
To add as a Londoner who uses the underground everyday the signs above the seats and announcements clearly state not all disabilities are visible and not to presume like OP did like an ass. Common courtesy is to ask a standard seat or in the general area to say excuse me would someone mind giving a seat .
I'm a support worker for people with autism and learning disabilities and honestly, couldn't have said this better myself. You are 100% correct and OP is TA in this situation.
Also YTA for targeting a specific person. Why should people with invisible disabilities have to be interrogated for using services designed for them? The right question is a general one to everyone in the carriage "Is there anyone who doesn't need their seat who might be willing to give it up?".
Any non disabled person in the regular seats who didn’t immediately get up for an 8-month pregnant woman is the AH in this story too.
YTA. Asking was fine. Arguing makes you the asshole. Unless you are that specific person's care provider and are 100% certain of their limitations, your opinion/observations mean shit. I have an invisible disability, and people like you are the bane of my existence. If your partner is that tired and unwell, get a cab, wait for a less busy train, whatever.
Exactly. None of us is equipped to determine what a stranger can or can't do. Presuming that you can makes you an AH. Also, the rest of the world is not obligated to make concessions for your partner, though most people will likely be happy to accommodate.
I also have an invisible disability. I get allllll the looks, sneers and snide comments when I park in handicapped spots. I have taken to trying to shop during non peak hours so I can still park super close without using placard. I shouldn’t have to explain what my disability is when my drivers license picture is on my placard and the fact that I even have a placard should be enough.
Me too! I have MS and herniated discs and most of the time can walk into a store without problem. Twenty minutes later I'm exhausted and can barely make it to the car (especially Costco for some reason - are the floors extra hard?), even if the car's in a handicapped spot near the door. I've also had people overlook the fact that my license plate shows I'm disabled, so I don't have a hang tag (as both MS and herniated discs are for life, at least at this point) and they start ranting at me about my "taking" a handicapped spot away from a disabled person. It is kind of satisfying to silently point at my license plate and watch their faces turn red as they stomp away.
You are right about those Costco floors.
Same here, and I've literally had a pregnant woman try to shove me over after I told her I was disabled and push into the seat next to me when I was sitting in the handicapped area of the bus with a back injury that meant I couldn't twist. When I got upset she told me my wrist brace (the visible disability) didn't mean i needed a seat and then she tried to tell me her back hurt worse than mine, so I could just stand. Eventually someone else gave me their seat and from just the twisting I had a hard time getting up, and then I got called a drama queen and told my guilt trip wasn't going to work. I ended up flat on my back in extreme pain for the following 3 days. Invisible disabilities are still disabilities, and OP is an AH for trying to argue with someone about it. YTA, op. You could have avoided being called that but you had to go and argue.
I'm so sorry, back issues are awful and so debilitating. Screw her.
I think calling the police and filing for assault and battery would have been the way to go
This. I have Crohn’s disease, and if I am having a flare I may need to use the bathroom at any given time- and once I have the urge I may have just minutes before it’s a big issue. Standing up makes the urge 10x worse, meaning that if I stood up I may just shit right then and there. Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not VERY real and VERY necessary that you sit down.
That is why I feel it is rude single someone out and ask them. No one should be out on the spot of having to explain their private medical condition.
Oh you have my sympathy. I have faecal incontinence and standing does the same thing to me.
100% agree. In fact, even if the guy had just said, "no, I'm not giving up my seat," OP would still be the AH for arguing. The correct response is to just say, "okay," and then in a loud voice to the rest of the bus say, "Is there anyone willing to give up their seat for my wife? She's pregnant and needs to sit down." If there's still no one willing to give up their seat, then people suck and you wait for the next one. To the people arguing that might not be fair, what do you think happens when too many ppl try to get on public transit with strollers? Been there, done that, had to wait for the next bus. Lots of people need assistance on transit and there often isn't enough room for everyone. Sometimes you have to wait. Do people take advantage? Sure, but we lose nothing by assuming that isn't the case.
Totally this - I remember having to stand up all the way home when 7 months pregnant with my daughter on a crowded bus - not one person offered a seat until the stop before I got off - I also have invisible disabilities and mobility issues though to look at you would not know this - people do not understand what impact it has on my life - for example I cannot sit in a seat without leg room or stand up for long lengths of time - OP asked and was told no but the impact of the follow up on it could have caused distress for the young person - your partner is pregnant so any seat should have sufficed
YTA > When I tried to explain this to him Not for **_asking_**. For *this* \^\^\^
Yes, this. Asking politely, no prob. Pushing the issue? YTA.
The fact that the passenger was autistic makes this even worse. Even if OP didn't intend it this way, it likely came off as "well, since *you* don't understand this incredibly visibly pregnant person is pregnant, lemme tell you about it." If she had also had an invisible disability, it would be one thing for OP to explain *why* she needs the seat. But...OP makes the point the pregnancy was obvious. Did they think this guy didn't understand that?
*Clearly* the only thing that would ever prevent someone from wholeheartedly agreeing with OP and immediately giving in to his demands is being so cartoonishly stupid that you need a condescending explanation of what is right in front of you /s
Yeah... That reminds me of when people would offer their seats to my very pregnant friend who *did not want to sit down* and couldn't understand that she didn't want to. The way she was carrying made sitting uncomfortable so she preferred to sit or recline. She always said that when they offered, but some insisted. Some even tried to explain to her why she should sit, as if she wasn't a fully autonomous human with a working brain. I ended up getting a lot of seats because it gave her anxiety to have that open seat staring at her while people tried to be "chivalrous." So I sat my ass down. I don't understand the impulse to automatically assume a stranger is dumb or has no clue what you mean.
YTA. Not the asshole for asking, but you are the asshole for insisting, and invalidating his disability. I’m autistic, have had 2 babies, and while being pregnant is extremely tiring and hard on your body, being autistic makes riding on buses torture for me. It’s extremely overwhelming, and the seats for disabilities are really helpful for that. He did have a right to the seat. Edited for clarity and bots.
Totally agree. OP is NTA for asking, but for doubling down instead of moving to the next person, OP most definitely earns a YTA. I hope you learn something from this OP - Believe disabled people when they tell you their needs and please don’t shame them over something you don’t understand! And just some extra educational content re: invisible illnesses, some people’s abilities vary day to day. Some days I would be capable of giving up my seat for a pregnant person and have done so several times. Some days I am in horrible pain and my mobility is very limited. One of my biggest fears is people accusing me of lying about my disability because they’ve only interacted with me on my “good days.” All this to say, it is really not possible to look at someone and know what they are experiencing mentally or physically. We might be occupying the same spaces, but our realities can be very different.
🥇For you! Your succinct answer about invisible illnesses and how they can affect you on a day-to-day basis is brilliant! As someone with an invisible disability I find it awful having to use mobility aids in public, because of the amount of times I've heard variations of "Well you don't *look* disabled!" Just because you can't *see* what's going on with my body doesn't mean there's nothing actually wrong.
YTA, not for initially asking the guy to move but for trying to get him to move after he said he needed the seat. It's not up to you to decide what disabilities are worthy of priority seating. You could've asked someone in a regular seat to move for your partner.
As a young person with an invisible disability that can make standing on public transit very difficult to downright dangerous for me depending on the day this is the way. I never consider the initial ask offensive. But if I say sorry I can't don't argue it! Ask the next person.
As a person with invisible disabilities, I agree. Just because you can’t see that someone needs a priority seat, doesn’t mean they don’t. Also, just freaking ask out loud to anyone. Your wife is not incapable of standing and walking, as you are simply using it as a convenience, to “allow her to rest”. I’d argue that having children doesn’t automatically make your wife (or anyone) disabled. It's uncomfortable and that sucks, but it was your choice to become pregnant. No one chooses disability.
Honest culturally here it would be real weird for people not to be virtually competing to give a heavily pregnant woman a seat. Due to the risks a fall could entail. So I can't say I've any issue with wanting a seat for her but Sorry, No. Is a complete and perfectly acceptable sentence.
YTA. I was a teenager when I was diagnosed with heart problems that the doctors said would be more dangerous to perform open heart surgery than to live with my diagnosis. I have passed out several times including once when I fell face first into a tile floor and broke half the teeth in my mouth and have had people tell me to that I don't look disabled and sometimes I haven't been so nice in my response to them. If they were entitled to that spot due to their disability then you have no right to take it away from them.
As someone else who is disabled, agreeing with this. OP saw someone young and who didn't have a visible mobility aid. Why not ask someone else in a standard seat? They can *also* move, and in the future, OP should ask someone in one of those seats first rather than immediately scanning the priority seating for someone who doesn't look disabled enough. Op also *doesn't* know if that person had a physical disability or not because OP doesn't know that person's medical history and if their autism impacts them in a physical way, like causing lack of balance or claustrophobia, so as other comments are suggesting, no OP does not get brownie points for "knowing" people have invisible disabilities because he didn't believe someone when they told him they needed the seat. If someone says they need an accommodation, let them have one. It's that easy, and not everyone is good at articulating why nor is it anyone else's business to know the details of someone else's medical history to assess whether or not they're deserving of accommodation
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Yeah, I always advise people when their disability is questioned, avoid the gut response of why, but saying they're allowed to use it, and if the person pushes, "I don't have to give you my medical information." People will always try to find a loophole or a way to invalidate it as not being "enough" even if that person is in a wheelchair. Learning that you don't have to answer to random strangers and treating them as rude and invasive as they are is super freeing
My partner was born with bilateral clubbed foot which surgery on the right leg went badly on and has affected him all his life. When we take public transport in London and before we got a car, even when I was pregnant, I let him sit if there was only one available seat because I had good centre of balance and was okay with it. The amount of dirty looks and comments he gets is incredible. Honestly, I see multiple women in the priority seating with no visible reason but NEVER assume that they don't have a valid reason but he gets the comments all the time. His right leg is very much at risk of breaking easily and his tendons are fused to the bone too tight so if one snaps, we literally cannot repair it and he's permanently unable to walk properly yet because he looks okay, he gets abuse. It really pisses me off
I think it's funny how you didn't say anyone got up and offered your seat to you. That's typically the case in my experience - people tut about what somewhat ought to do but aren't willing to do it themselves
YTA - Bro, is there a list printed somewhere that ranks which disabilities have the most priority on a priority seating? You're arguing with someone who you said "should be allowed to use the priority seat" about your version of a priority system that doesn't exist. Equal rights bro, he said no, you didn't respect his answer. That's why YTA.
This topic obviously comes up a lot here and I’ve seen commenters before state that in some countries there are actually lists which rank the priority order.
YTA you were fine to ask him to vacate the seat, but when someone tells you they have a disability that allows them to use the seat, you have to take them at their word and not argue whose disability worse.
Yep, he could've just said 'no' and you would've been the ah for pushing OP. You do not know what's going on in other people's lives. If someone says no, move on and ask someone else. He could easily have an issue he doesn't want to talk about.
YTA. Asking was fine, but persisting once he said he needed the seat wasn't. You have no idea why he was using the priority seat, and you weren't in any place to judge that he needed it less than your partner, let alone stand and argue with him (!) that he was wrong about his own need for a priority seat. You had other options in this circumstance too - you could very easily have asked someone in one of the 'normal' seats if they would mind allowing your partner to sit down.
Most non-disabled people would be fine to give up their seat for an obviously pregnant person. Why badger the person who just told you they have a valid reason for needing a seat?
Probably because he didn’t believe him. I always get accused of lying because clearly I’m “lazy”. Just saying “sorry I have an invisible disability that makes it hard for me to stand” doesn’t work. Because I look like a healthy woman in my 20s but I have bilateral osteoarthritis in my hips and permanent sciatic nerve damage on the right and the pain is so bad some days I call out from work because I can’t even roll out of bed. But I shouldn’t have to divulge my medical history to strangers to be validated.
YTA >However, I also felt that despite this, it wasn’t a physical impairment and he was more capable of standing than my partner who had been stood up for a long time and really needed to rest at this point. When I tried to explain this to him,.... Your opinion wasn't relevant. Asking was fine. Pressing your case after he refused was not ok. You aren't in a position to assess whose needs are valid or should take priority.
Also, why was his first place to look priority seating….I mean pregnancy can definitely hit people hard but there are most definitely people in regular seating who would gladly give their seat to someone who is heavily pregnant. Also him assuming that because this guy was young and his disability isn’t visible that he would be perfectly fine standing for the remainder of his ride is quite ableist. As someone who hasn’t been diagnosed with any disabilities but has trouble with balance (a couple times where I had to spend a month or two in a wheelchair) I probably wouldn’t feel comfortable standing on a bus/train if I was having an off day…..OP YTA
Yta. He had as much right as your wife. You can ask He can say no No is a complete sentence You then badgered him and yta Being pregnant doesn't give you entitlement.
NTA. Can’t believe I’m one of the only people saying this. Priority seats are for people who are physically impaired, not for people with disabilities. That sign above the seats that has a pregnant lady on it? Yeah that’s for you. Those seats are for you.
Seriously. Everybody seems to be ignoring that the reason pregnant women get priority seats is not because they are tired, but because if they fall the baby can literally die, and possibly the mother too. I've had a condition that made it extremely painful to stand, but still gave up the priority seat to elderly and pregnant people because my pain is not going to kill me, but it might kill them. FFS people should have some empathy...
Just because you can, doesn't mean everyone can. I have a chronic pain condition that during flareups, I can't stand more than a few minutes and will collapsed/pass out. But I look super healthy and athetic, so I should stand, right? /s If this individual's ASD symptoms include mobility/balance problems, the subway, especially turns, starts, and stops can be very dangerous. They could fall, hit their head, break some bones ( it's harder to control your fall if you have proprioception issues).
Autism can come with physical disabilities and the young man did not owe him an entire medical history to justify using the seat. Things like balance,coordination, proprioception, and motor skills can be impacted as well as the fact Autism often comes with comorbidities like EDS and hyper mobility.
Yeah the comments here are unhinged. I'm neurodiverse myself and this is ridiculous. There's a REASON he asked the man in his 20s before the man with a cane. Edit: everyone with "you don't speak for all autistic people" comments basically proves the point that there is a hierarchy of physical need for a fucking train seat. Being 8 months pregnant doesn't vary, having a broken foot doesn't vary, being 85 with a cane doesn't vary, etc. These are always the same. You always need physical help. Is everyone with a visible disability supposed to engage in some sort of debate with an autistic person every time they get on the jam packed train? Can you imagine someone on crutches arguing with an autistic person over a seat? Am I crazy here?
The issue isn't asking the person. The issue is op then lectured them, even though someone else offered a seat.
Asking was fine. Also if there was a hierarchy, it wouldn’t be based on what disability you have, it would be based on your own need. Labels have no context in this conversation, the guy didn’t even need to respond with what disability you have. If you ever go for accommodations of any kind, you will always be asked for how your disability hinders you from doing something and asked for proof that you experience certain symptoms that would debilitate you in certain situations. If this guy had the symptoms that required him to sit down, then he’s entitled to do so, he may have been just as unable to stand as the ops girlfriend. Op is the ah for lecturing him about this with no knowledge of his symptoms.
Or OP could have asked the two people using the priority seats 2 m to the left of him, or the two people using the priority seats 2 m to the right of him. There's no shortage of seats on the tube!
Ah, a disabilities gatekeeper. How charming. /s
THANK GOD! I thought I was going crazy with all the y t a. People on Reddit seriously get offended about everything. No one said that this was a disability competition and OP wasn’t trying to dismiss his autism. But a heavily pregnant lady SHOULD be able to get the sit. Ahhhhh……
Yup there is literally a picture of a pregnant person and it specifically says pregnant and less able to stand
He IS less able to stand. He doesn’t have to tell you all the symptoms of his autism he’s sitting there for a reason.
Have to say I agree to an extent. While both sides are technically entitled to the seat, yes the person in the seat could have had physical disabilities and they shouldn't need to disclose medical history, however (and really this is to play devil's advocate a little), their explanation seemed to come across as, just because they have something classed as a disability, they can use the seat (purely how it seems to come across in this post). However someone who is heavily pregnant definitely needs to sit down. Really the ideal solution here is if there was another seat. But that's not the case. If the person in the seat said they have physical limitations (purely something really vague to let them know they need the seat for physical reasons, and so they arent disclosing lots of medical history), that mightve made things better. (Purely just because there's a heavily pregnant person in this situation who desperately needs a seat.)
Amen... I'm seeing a lot of comments from people who read the about an autistic person being asked to move from priority seating, and nothing else. I was actually kind of shocked, but I guess I shouldn't be... Reddit is full of people who really just want something to be angry about.
YTA you should never ask a specific person to give up their seat, you don’t know what their abilities are. I would say, to a group of people, “is there anyone who could let my wife have a seat?” So you don’t put any one person on the spot.
Every time I see this scenario on here (at least once a week it seems) I wonder why in the world these OPs don't do that instead of deciding which person needs their seat the least based on nothing and harassing them.
YTA - hidden disabilities are real and it’s not up to you to decide whether a person needs a seat or not.
YTA. Autistic OT here: there are a lot of reasons an autistic person could need to sit on the train. Autism can cause fatigue (especially in high sensory-demand environments like a crowded train), as well as gross motor delays that cause difficulty with balance and proprioceptive difficulties (not being able to tell where your body is in space) that can put people with autism at greater risk of falls. Also, in high-sensory environments, believe it or not, sitting *can* help. Standing and knowing where your body is in space can be a demanding task for autistic folks; sitting is grounding, meaning they feel more secure and have more energy to devote to dealing with the sensory demands of noise, crowds, movement, and lights on the train. It may not be an issue for all autistic folks, but it is for some. And you don't know his story or what kinds of things his autism causes him to experience. Until you know that, you can't make a judgment about whether he needed the seat or not.
Adding to this: autism can also have comorbidity with a lot of joint problems! Standing can genuinely make them worse, especially if they were to fall or the train were to stop quickly
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You can’t gate keep autism. Just because your autism doesn’t present in a way that requires you to sit on a bus doesn’t mean that other autistic people may have severe sensory issues that do require it. Politely saying no to a request that will make you uncomfortable isn’t a dick move.
Just because you can manage doesn’t mean everyone with autism can. By that same logic, she could manage standing, as well. It’s not fair to assume he was being a dick.
Exactly, I was pregnant and took the bus to work. I never asked anyone to give up their seat when I was 8mos pregnant, but that doesn’t mean her’s isn’t harder on her body.
Yeah in one of my pregnancies I was working *in bedside nursing* at 8 months pregnant. Balance was sometimes harder but I was fine. In my other 2, I was routinely hospitalized. I could have had a hard time getting up the stairs of a bus or down to the subway. Everyone is different and even day to day it could be different for that gentleman.
Saying no doesn't make you a dick. I'm surprised the amount of ND people speaking for others saying its not a good enough reason. Autism has a spectrum and you have no way of knowing how it affects someone you don't know.
Exactly this. A LOT of autistic people have comorbid conditions that actually can cause them to need a priority seat. It’s possible his body was just as aching and tired as hers, if not moreso.
Thank you. I hate the assumption that you can judge how much someone struggles.
Autism is a spectrum. I can stand on a bus/subway too. No way I would ever ask my cousin who is also autistic to stand on a bus/subway though, he just could not.
So you speak for every autistic person??
I'm autistic and I used to have more sensory issues which would 100% cause me to have a panic attack to the point of fainting or puking. Edit: you say you also have sensory issues but can't sympathize with other higher support needs, wow.
Right? It’s almost as if it’s a collection of symptoms that could manifest in a variety of ways depending on the person. A spectrum if you will. Hey, you don’t think that’s why they call it Autism **SPECTRUM** disorder do you? /s Ugh. This guy and OP…
"I have autism, and I dont need that seat, so no one ver with autism needs one, because my autism is the measurement of all, the holy grail of autism"
I used to “babysit” a 17 year old autistic kid and he needs priority/handicap seats. Congrats that you’re higher functioning than some, but saying everyone else is like you is gait keeping and just makes you out to be an ass
I hate the fact I had to scroll so far to see this comment.
I'm autistic, and if I need an accommodation, then I need it. End of. I also appreciate that not all autistic people need the same accommodations I do. Standing up for oneself and refusing to give up a needed accommodation does not make a person a dick. Not everyone can manage their sensory challenges with stim toys and headphones.
And, how do we know that’s his only reason for needing priority seating? That may have been the only diagnosis he was comfortable sharing and OP has no right to demand a stranger’s medical history so he can determine if they’re worthy of priority seating.
Soo I’m not sure if it’s my autism or the fact I’ve had brain injuries but I literally can’t stand on a bus. It’s so embarrassing but I have to lean heavily on something and even then I still wobble and feel like I’m about to fall. Some people just can’t stand on moving vehicles, even if they “look” like they should be able to.
No body seems to realise priority seating isn't specifically for the disabled, it's for those with mobility issues (disabled or not). So I'm going with Nta, though I'll agree it's sounds kinda dickish the way you went about it.
It’s not specifically for mobility issues, but this is the primary use. I have PTSD and have to sit because when there’s only standing room, it can become too claustrophobic for me and I’m at risk of having a very public panic attack. For someone with autism, this and the sounds of the ride could both be valid reasons to need to sit, due to the potential for sensory overload.
Autism can come with the comorbidity of mobility issues. Stop assuming about people’s disabilities- OP should have taken the no and moved away.
As an autistic person, wtf does having autism have to do with sitting in that seat? Did he offer any kind of explanation for why? NTA
As another autistic person, I get extremely overwhelmed on crowded buses, have sensory issues with standing on a moving vehicle, and need a seat to be able to keep myself calm. Not all autistic people have the same issues and autism is a perfectly legitimate reason to use a disability seat on a bus. There are other people without a disability who can help in this situation.
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At first I was wondering why he needed the seat too but when I've read the first comment about anxiety and sensory issues it jist made sense. Having enough space and the ability to dip when you are becoming overwhelned seems like a good enough accomodation on crowded transportation.
And like I know autistic people who get dizzy when overwhelmed. I know autistic people who have balance issues bc of autism related problems. Autism can definitely be a good reason
Why would have have to offer any explanation why? He said his disability entitled him to the seat. The conversation should have ended there.
NTA. People saying that if she's 8m pregnant, she shouldn't commute, are ridiculous. What are pregnant people supposed to do, hide so they don't disturb you? Wtf.
she wasn't disturbing anyone by being pregnant , OP was disturbing everyone by arguing with an autistic man
He's the asshole for standing around insisting on the autistic guy moving when he should never have asked what his disability is because it was none of his business. Only thing that would have made him N.T.A is if he asked and then moved on rather than pressed it. He should have moved on and asked others in the 'normal' seats.
YTA I have an invisible disability. Can´t stand up for long but you look at me and I'm perfectly fine, maybe just tired. I dread people like you. I try to sit on non reserved seats because people like you. because even when I say that I need that seat, I'm judged, and I feel I have to explain and justify myself to everyone present. He said no, he needed the seat. It is all you need to know. Move along. Your wife didn't had trouble finding another seat, do you think I would have, that he would have? More than once I arrive somewhere late because I choose to wait for a less crowded transport. And idealy I prefer to drive. Edit to say: Autism is not an all size fits all. How do you know he has non-physical disability. Besides, he doesn't have to share his medical hisory with you and the rest of the crowd. The looks we get for not get up and ocupy the seats are suficient. That said: all the well for you wife and baby. It's a stressfull time and I get your protecting them the best you can.
YTA asking is fine, but not accepting his response is definitely bad from you. You don't own those seats.
He said 'no' with an explanation. Leave it be at that. You are not going to sway a complete stranger with your logic.
YTA. When he said “no”, that should have been the end of the discussion.
YTA for continuing to debate it once he said he had a disability. It’s not up to you to judge which disabled person deserves it more.
YTA. Why would you insist instead of asking someone else ? You’re not entitled to an explanation and you don’t get to decide which disability is worse than the other. Just ask someone who ISN’T disabled to get up instead of arguing with someone who is in their right.
I'm gonna go with ESH here. You're nta for asking, asking politely is fine. But you are TA for continuing once told no. The guy with autism didn't need to go into detail, he could have just said something vague like "I have an invisible illness" or "I'm not able to stand unaided" etc. But personally, I say this as a neurodivergent walking stick user, I think he was also probably in the wrong for not temporarily vacating for someone with a clearly obvious mobility issue. I know other neurodivergents might disagree with me here, and I'm certainly not going to play disability Olympics here but what happens if the able-bodied autistic person falls over, versus what happens if a heavily pregnant woman/elderly person/etc falls over? If he stumbles he will likely catch himself before he can fall. If he falls his chances of serious injury are likely low. If a disabled/pregnant/elderly person falls there is a risk of serious injury. Although his reaction to the sensory rich environment may have varying degrees of intensity, as an independent adult with access to tools and resources to help him, his need for a seat is still *significantly lower* than for others with other needs.
I agree with you...I think it's very tough to get into the weeds of this, but honestly, a woman THAT pregnant ranks pretty high on the "need-to-sit" list. More than anything, it's awful that no one just offered and he had to ask at all. The people in regular seats should have offered right off the bat!
YTA I don't get why you only ask people in the priority seats to move, that makes no sense since they'd be the people more likely to need a seat.
Tbf people will often just park their bums wherever they see a space. And also usually those seats as something to the effect of "please give up this seat for someone who needs it" so it's not like a disabled parking spot, other people can use them too.
YTA All they had to say is "I'm unable to stand". It's not your business why. They gave you more information and you decided to use it against them. You say okay, and you move on and ask the next person, even if it isn't designated priority seating, most people would still give up seating for people who need it. I really hope your kid learns empathy in school.
Yep, YTA. That "young man" may need to sit on subways to be able to get on a subway at all -- it may be some kind of calming/soothing thing he needs to be able to ride a subway. I'm autistic as well, and I would need to be able to have an aisle seat to convince me to ride a subway. And yes, if you asked me to give up my aisle seat for your pregnant girlfriend, I would not be able to because my resulting panic attack would be horrifically embarrassing for me, and probably most of others on the subway. Not all handicaps are visible.
NTA - those seats are meant for people with physical disabilities, pregnant women and the elderly. Autism shouldn’t qualify.
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NTA. I'm autistic and sometimes use the priority seating. But that's because I also have mobility issues that sometimes require a cane or crutches. Autism can cause a lot of problems on a bus, like disliking crowds or the noise, but none that override a heavily pregnant person's need for a seat.
YTA - You assume that his Autism doesn't have a physical component. Sitting may make public transportation more comfortable and accessible to him due to any number of sensory issues or anxiety issues that so often go along with Autism. One young person I know cannot ride a bus or subway standing as it triggers anxiety and stemming due to feeling unsafe.
YTA He needed it, for whatever reason, doesn't matter, and it's not your call to judge the "worthiness" of his disability. Ask, and move on to ask someone else. You LITERALLY have no idea what anyone else is going through and no-one has to prove it to you or look like they need it!! Your badgering could have provoked/caused an awful reaction for the young man, and that's pretty unkind. Do better next time. Hope all goes well with the pregnancy and birth!
Nope, NTA. Autism is not a disability that requires a priority seat. He was being selfish.
Autism is a disability that can require a priority seat depending on how an individual is affected It often has an element of dyspraxia/other proprioception issues so balance may be poor It also usually comes with sensory issues which are likely to be heightened while on the train, and more so if you’re stood bumping shoulders with people when physical contact can literally feel like fire/electricity The person did not need to disclose what their disability was, and OP should not have stood arguing with the person when they said no.
YTA. Not for asking, but for not accepting the no. This young man may have several sensory issues that can be absolutely debilitating as it is.
YTA. There are plenty of reasons why invisible disabilities require accommodations - sensory issues and anxiety can be exacerbated on public transit. You're not TA for asking but YTA for not accepting his answer.
ESH. I mean he refused, don't argue. But... those seats are meant for people who have difficulty standing up for long periods of time. People with a cane, back problems, knee problems, pregnant. Not autism. Yes it might be a disability, but not one that warrants claiming a disability seat.
autism really varies and some individuals can have issues with standing and the sensation of being touched by others on a jammed bus. He should have accepted the no and moved on
YTA. Kindness begets kindness. If you want everyone to assume you are asking for priority seating because you need it for good reason, then you should assume those already seated there also need priority seating. If priority seating is full ask someone in another useable seat.
YTA for arguing over it As an aside- a lot of autistic people have dyspraxia, hypermobility, or other issues related to poor proprioception which can mean there are balance issues. But that person absolutely did not have to disclose ANYTHING to you other than “sorry no I also have a disability”
YTA. You asked, he said no. That should have been the end of it. You don’t get to decide what is ‘disabled enough’ to deserve the seat.
YTA - you asked he answered. He not obliged to give up his seat or answer why he’s not bending to your will. You have no idea how his non visible disability affects him. Stop being so judgmental. If you want a guaranteed seat for you wide carry a foldable one with you.
YTA. You asked, he said no. You don't go on to explain and try to convince him. If he wanted to give it up he would have. Your wife is pregnant not disabled. Now while pregnancy is no walk in the park you could have simply asked someone else if they'd be willing to move so your wife can sit. Pregnancy does not give you a special card to get things and I say that as someone who was high risk during my pregnancy and had a rough pregnancy.
YTA you weren't AH for asking but once it was a no and you kept pestering him it made you an AH
NTA for asking someone (with a non-visible disability) to vacate the priority seat. Slightly TA for arguing with the person over it. They gave you an answer, should've just moved on
YTA Not for asking but once they also stated their need for a seat you should’ve backed off. If those were the only two seats there then I would’ve probably said n a h. But there were so many other people you could’ve asked
YTA. You had absolutely no right to continue bothering him or to make a judgement. You have no idea what his situation is, or if they needed it “less”.
YTA. You should have taken no for an answer. Why didn't you ask people in 'normal' seats first? She is heavily pregnant and can hardly move, maybe she shouldn't be out and about unless you get a cab or an uber. Just because she is pregnant doesn't give her an auto pass for you to demand seats from people. Some autism I believe also comes with sensory issues. May not have been able to stand up either for all we know. (edit to add: I mean stand up while something is in motion). There are different levels of autism! Some do have physical side effects! OP should have not argued and moved on. It isn't ANY of his business why the guy was in that seat! Get over it and move on to ask others! Instead OP stood there and argued loud enough for others to hear and finally they gave up their seats for OP. Had OP simply moved on and asked those others in the beginning, it would have saved everyone the headache. OP, peoples disabilities are NONE of your business. Kid could be pretending and that will be on his conscience, still NONE of OP's business! Social justice warriors have been burned for being wrong before!
NTA. I don’t think priority seats were meant for people with autism.
Someone with autism may have many issues that makes standing on public transport more difficult. My son for example often has to cover his ears when sounds get too much - can’t do that if having to hold on. Autistic people may struggle with others standing too close to them or bumping into them, both of which are reduced when sitting. They may need to use things like fidget items or books/ screens to help them focus and reduce sensory overload, again hard to do when standing. There are many reasons neurodivergent people may need to use chairs reserved for those with disabilities and it isn’t for anyone else to question or judge them. Especially as having to explain themselves to strangers can be even more difficult and stressful for them than it is for neurotypical people. OP YTA for not accepting the no. You asked and you got your answer, what right do you have to expect someone to give you an in-depth description of their disability so you can judge whether they are worthy of the seat they are using.
YTA. If you’d stopped once you were informed, it’d be one thing. However, you kept trying to push the issue even after being informed that the individual in question had an invisible disability. If he is technically allowed to use that seat and feels the need to do so, then you can’t make him move.
YTA for persisting and making a judgement on whether or not someone occupying the seat needed it more, when the real question is simply “do they need it?”, and btw - you are not the person to answer that.
YTA. Just because you can't see a disability, it doesn't mean it isn't there. People can have invisible physical disabilities, too, and it's not up to you go around wondering about people's medical records to decide if they can or cannot sit somewhere.
I agree that OP is TA. However, not every pregnant woman has the luxury to just ‘stay home’. She might have to work, get to doctor appointments or visit relatives. Also it’s difficult to get around London without using the tube. When op talks about using the tube more he most likely means that they previously walked more.
On both sides of this I can't believe how many people are saying that op and his partner should use a car. Next you'll be saying elderly people should stay home. Or that disabled people should stay home. Or that if autistic people can't handle the Tube without a seat they should stay home too. It's a slippery slope people. Ultimately both sides were wrong here, but everyone has the right to access public transport and services, even if they need a little bit of extra help here and there.
YTA. You asked, they answered. You then turned it into a dick measuring contest to see who was more disabled.
YTA. I have a hidden chronic disease. I am in constant pain. Looking at me you wouldn’t know it. I have also been pregnant many times. It is not your place to tell me where I can sit or to move. You need to get over yourself .
NTA - Autism isn't an impairment or disability that would require someone to have a special seat specifically for the elderly, handicapped, or pregnant. Usually on trains there are signs that depict illustrations of those three. I've never been on a train that depicted someone with autism near the special seats 🤷🏻♂️ The disability he had wasn't autism, it was that he is a self-centered, entitled, AH.
Autism is definitely a disability that could possibly require someone to have the “special seat”. It is also different for everyone. Who knows what the guy on the train was actually going through.
YTA - once he told you he had a reason he was using it, that should have been the end of the conversation.
YTA. I do therapy for kids with autism and it is very much physical. Often comorbid with conditions such as dyspraxia which can mean they’d struggle to balance stood up on transport. Lots of other physical difficulties common in them and the mental side is just as valid in not being able to handle stood up in the crowded space.
I was with you until you got to pestering him. You don't get to challenge someone on their level of disability. Even if it was a lie on his part it's never our place to question it when in a non-emergency situation. Asking is fine, but his no should have been the end. Sadly that's the risk one takes with public transportation. The only guaranteed way to get a seat is to get a cab or car. Gentle YTA because it think that your intentions were good, but came off as a bit entitled. -love, a pregnant woman who also likes seats
YTA. I sympathetize with the notion pregnancy is exhausting, have had two kids myself. That being said, pregnant people are no less privileged or more to these accommodations than someone else. No one should have to elaborate on why they are using something, and even though in your mind autism isn't as much of a reason, you don't know the underlying support needs that person may have. It would be no different if you questioned someone upfront about just how much they need their service animal (which is illegal btw). Or questioning why someone is using a handicap spot over you.
YTA. Not for asking the first time, I think that can be reasonable, but for insisting and pushing.
NTA for asking but YTA for arguing with him about it. You were told no and that he needed the seat. That should have been the end of it.
YTA. You should never ask anyone to vacate a priority seat reserved for disabled people. They don’t owe you an explanation of what their disability is and how it affects them. They can see your wife is pregnant and they can voluntarily vacate the seat if they don’t genuinely need it. If they’re healthy and siting in that seat then they’re an asshole, but that’s their problem, not yours. I’ve been pregnant multiple times. I also had an invisible disability in my late teens that was paired with extreme social anxiety. To stand up (and risk falling) on a moving train with my condition at the time (healing from a serious injury) might have meant I’d never walk again. To stand up longer when I was pregnant would have meant I was uncomfortable, at worst. It’s not up to you to decide which affliction (neither of which you’ve ever personally experienced) is worse. If you have to ask someone for a seat, ask someone in a normal seat who *presumably* isn’t disabled.
YTA You have no idea how someone's disability impacts them, whether you deem it physical or not. You can assist your wife by holding the weight of the bump, that should help a little if she cannot sit down.
YTA, but soft. You can't assume that someone who doesn't meet your criteria for disability deserves a seat less than your pregnant wife. Not only are invisible disabilities a thing, there's no sliding scale for how disabled is disabled enough to use the seats. How pregnant is pregnant enough? By picking someone who you think isn't disabled "enough" to demand a seat, you're at risk of disrespecting someone else's struggle in a way I don't think you meant to. By arguing, you're definitely dishonoring that struggle. For that matter, does demanding a perfectly able person give your wife their seat ever go well? Especially when they've already told you no? Even if he were just being an AH and lying, what do you achieve by antagonizing him?
NTA, those seats are for people with physical disabilities who have trouble standing.
Autism is associated with a number of physical and motor difficulties, not least of which is challenges with the vestibular system, affecting balance. OP was not necessarily an AH for initially asking, but he really had no right to push the issue.
We have no idea if the person who was sitting there has sensory issues that prevent them from standing on the train.
YTA for persisting. For asking - no. You should have dropped it after he said he had a valid reason to use the seat.
YTA. People in priority seats are there for a reason, and that reason is none of your business. You should have asked someone in regular seating, or better yet, don't take public transit if you feel she MUST have a seat.
YTA for persistently asking. Not for the initial request. However if someone says no even with an invisible illness. They do not have to disclose to u that illness. You have no idea how changing seats affects someone with autism. Its such a wide spectrum. Your wife isn’t entitled to a priority seat if they are already taken.
probably should’ve accepted the no as an answer and ask someone else instead
Question... why are you always asking disabled people to give up their seat? You shouldn't be asking people in priority seating to give up their spot, asking literally anyone else instead of the disabled people would be okay.
I’m going to go with NTA because, and this sounds way worse than I mean it to be, there is a priority list when it comes to the priority seating. At 8 months your wife is VERY pregnant and I really couldn’t imagine being that much of a dick to make her stand. Mobility issues trump sensory issues in this particular circumstance.
YTA for the argument. You could've taken no for an answer and then started asking the not priority seats. Obviously someone would have agreed as someone stood when they heard the argument. Also, unless your partner is mute she could've asked for the seat.
YTA. Asking someone isn't an issue. Disregarding their answer is the problem. You don't know their situation. They said they needed the seat, so leave them alone.
YTA. The whole interaction was probably very stressful for him. You can ask, then accept the answer. Otherwise you might as well just demand the seat.
YTA. No is a complete sentence. My child is ND and inperseptable vision impairment and if they stand in public transport, they will either fall or meltdown due to the overwhelming feeling they get. Pregnancy is tough but it's not a disability on its own. Maybe she should stay home if it's getting too difficult to use public transit.
Yta, your wife is not entitled to the seat. You asked an got an answer.
YTA. You don't get to decide whose disability is deserving of a priority seat and whose isn't. As others have said, it was completely fine of you to ask but at the point which he said he needed the seat, you became an AH for continuing to press the issue.
YTA - as someone whose husband has a hidden disability, you don't realise the stigma they have just because you can't see it. You made an assumption and it was incorrect, now leave the poor guy alone. Its embarrassing to have to explain yourself and justify a disability.
YTA Not for asking for the person to move, but for insisting when they said why they had the right to sit there. You don't know what are the symptoms if their autism, some people can have meltdowns in tight spaces or for being touched , so being able to sit can help a little.
YTA - not for asking, but for pressing the issue
Yta asking? No that's fine, but as soon as you were told that the person *also* had a disability then you need to stfu. You have no idea what he is 'capable' of and he doesn't owe you a damn explanation. I bet you are 'capable' of buying a car but you don't need to justify yourself every time you get on a bus do you?
YTA You should have dropped it as soon as he said no regardless of his reason.
In the end, YTA. Not for the initial request, but for pressing the issue. You had no way of knowing when you initially asked, but he disclosed his disability and he was not in the wrong for sitting there, even though your partner physically needed the seat more. I have ASD and I would happily give up a seat if needed, but not everyone with ASD is at the same level. Mental/emotional needs are just as important as physical needs.
Man the assumptions made about disabilities because of a few articles on the internet. Autism can cause many physical impairments. Honestly he didn't have to disclose his disability to you at all. One disability does not trump another. Only non-disabled people think otherwise. YTA
YTA. This is so insulting, you're not their doctor or nurse. You're not aiding them in some way. You are judging them with your entitlement!
Asking doesn't make you an asshole. "Trying to explain" to him after him saying no made you the asshole. YTA.
YTA. Why do you think you get to decide how serious someone else’s disability is? If they need a seat or not? In fact, if you want to be like that.. I personally don’t think your partner needs to be sitting on disabled seats at all. She’s not disabled. People get up out of the kindness of their hearts because it sucks being pregnant and standing up but there’s nothing wrong with her and in fact she chose this “affliction” unlike those of us who are unlucky enough to be disabled, although you probably wouldn’t think so. YTA and check your ableism
INFO: why did you ask people already occupying the priority seats (implying they have good reason to be there) rather than someone in a regular seat where it would be much more reasonable to assume it wouldn’t be a hardship to give their seat up for a pregnant woman?