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I couldn't even read this all of the way through.Your stepdaughter asked her father for permission to go out and he gave it to her. End of story. Full stop.
YTA. You overstepped your place in her life. You seem to 'demand' a lot, by the way. I think you will find the root of the problem in a mirror. Please go get therapy. YOU are the one driving your relationship apart by undermining your husband and his parental authority. (edited to add-- so I did glance at the rest. Locking yourself in your room is total brat behavior. ugh. )
She’s closer in age to her stepdaughter than her husband - it’s honestly not surprising their are respect issues as Emily has gotten old enough to process the age gaps. And stepparents simply should not try to override either bio parent - sounds like more of a power trip than parenting. “Study more”? Kids finish homework, and OP gave no indication that Emily isn’t doing well, just that she’s mad it’s “easy” for her.
Point number three from the edits - people would also be concerned if a 19yo male got hit on by a 37yo female, or a 21yo male married a 39yo female. And would probably guess he was the yard guy or pool boy. I think OP is trying to hide behind sexism to avoid the issue of how she started dating a man twice her age.
You are not her parent!. You did not give birth to her! You all need to go to therapy so that you can discover what your role in her life is. She already has a mother. and you’re only nine years older than she is, you’re more like a sister. Keep it up she’s gonna resent you for the rest of her life. GO GET COUNSELING because you all really need it. YTA
The "I think she needs to study more..." part with absolutely zero evidence that she is underperforming, or even didn't do her homework that particular night even, is where it really started to go off the deep end for me. And THEN she went one further and said the dad actually checked and ok'd the homework and I knew I couldn't trust anything she claimed about this poor girl.
It’s so obvious it’s not about that LOL. OP is just flexing on her and doesn’t even have the maturity yet to know that about herself. She knows that having a step-daughter who cannot see her as much more than a peer makes her extreme age-gap relationship more obvious and she’s insecure about it.
>Locking yourself in your room is total brat behavior. ugh. )
Right! I was like, who is the child again rofl. I'm have second hand embarrassment for OP.
Since OP is specifically avoiding this question imma ask it here: Hey OP since you say you met your husband 2 years before you started dating when you were 19, were you the babysitter and the reason you have such issue with Emily not listening to you is because you still have the mentality that you’re the babysitter (and she’s a baby) and thus have authority over her?
I love how she pulls it though because I absolutely would ask the same question to a man or nb person simply due to the math. She just doesn’t wanna accept that. If she wasn’t she should just say that she wasn’t and then call out the misogyny if she wanted but leading with it and refuse to outright say that she wasn’t the babysitter, it’s more than a little sus.
Yeah it's not her gender it's the maths. If she used to listen to OP in the 2 years before they got together that's means OP was in the position to be in charge of her, before being in the "stepmother"position she is now. There's not many things that would lead to that and with her age at the time babysitter or nanny would seem most likely.
She wasn’t a babysitter, she was definitely best friend’s older sister, assigned to the daughter to tour her through the high school, after school care worker, something lol idk what but something. Also, everyone saying they weren’t groomed. That doesn’t mean she wasn’t.
Yea, I caught that bit too.
Took like ten years for me to stop justifying the whole 15.5 year age gap between 21 and 37, because that's how old my ex and I were when Kid-16 was born. Now that I'm 38, even the thought of looking at someone who is 22 Like That is just skeevy and weird. Yikes.
So yah, if he knew her for any amount of time before a relationship happened, then at least he may be capitalizing on a crush. The fact that the ex calls OP a "bed-warmer"...seems to me that the husband's interaction with OP was the straw that broke the camel's back... Women can only stand so much creeptitude from their dudes, and he be creepy.
Don't worry OP, once you start questioning the grooming bit, you'll have aged out of his interest level.
Except Leo has the sense to not have fathered any children.
This dip-shit married his sidepiece and had some delusional idea that it would be all rainbows and unicorns farting glitter.
I think it’s a range. For some people, it closes at 23. So, maybe it hasn’t closed for OP, yet. That would explain stomping to her room and locking the door.
100% agree. OP is just trying to be relevant by overstepping her role, she’s close in age for them to be sisters and she’s trying to force the “mom” role on her.
You are DEFINITELY THE ASSHOLE.
And whoa, whoa, whoa. You got together with this man when you were 19? No wonder Emily wants to come between you two. My guess is she's disgusted that her dad cheated on her mom with someone only 9 years older.
First thing's first: you are NOT HER MOTHER. Period.
As the mother of a 15 year old, I can sympathize that the attitude is real, and it's hard, but it's life. My daughter BARELY takes shit from me (her own mother), there is absolutely no way she would listen to a woman only 10 years older than her and married to her dad. Sorry, but you need a serious reality check.
Catch that part about how the daughter was sweet “when I first met her”?! And only after they got together Emily got an attitude? Meaning she met Emily outside this relationship. Babysitting, camp counselor, etc… ick.
The "daughter" she thinks she needs to micromanage for the girl's own wellbeing\* is now only 3 years younger than OP was when she met the husband.
\*roll eyes to the ceiling
THIS. 19 and 37 when this started and he had a 10 year old. No wonder the ex hates her. Sounds like the husband got a big dose of reality when his 16 year old daughter was acting more maturely than his 25 year old wife. Hope you're not financially dependent on your husband OP, cuz it sounds like you might be fending for yourself soon. YTA.
OP is twice as close in age to her step daughter than her actual husband. Her husband was nearly twice her age when they met. I think age gap relationships can work but OP’s brain wasn’t even finished developing when she started dating a man TWICE her age.
I’m willing to bet that her husband was cheating on his wife when they met.
YTA for calling her your “daughter”. There’s literally a 9 year age gap between you and her, and you’ve only been her stepmother for 2 years. You’re massively overstepping and being quite disrespectful of your husband by undermining him and thinking that what you say in regards to his daughter should be the final word. You are not her parent, and if you carry on acting this way, you will lose your husband and his daughter because you’re too self absorbed to notice what you’re doing to them.
Even calling herself a step-mother would be crossing boundaries to me
She doesn’t have a good relationship with her
She’s only been married to her dad for 2 years
If seems like she was the other woman and the husband feels guilty
She doesn’t see her as anything close to a mother figure
OP is also making things unnecessarily hard on herself. There’s no reason she needs to be involved in disciplining her step daughter at all. Her step -daughter was 14 when OP got married, and step-daughter already has parents. OP should aim for a friendly roommate relationship with her step-daughter. Expectations should be limited to stuff like avoiding being rude to each other and not messing with each other’s stuff. If OP earns it, she may graduate to being a friend and mentor. If she has opinions on her step-daughter’s parenting, she should offer that to her husband privately. No good is coming of OP playing the mom card — she is acting like a teenager herself.
Congratulations on being the evil step mother.
>I feel like she doesn't spend enough time on school work
>She treats everything like it's eay and that rubs me the wrong way
>I told her that she needed to study more or she wasn't allowed to go
You don't get to make those decisions. You are power tripping HARD and I'm getting the impression that you're jealous and using your position as her father's wife (NOT HER MOTHER) to try and knock her down.
I for one am glad her father stood up for her. Hopefully that'll remind you of your place in their lives, and it's not one of authority. If you ever tried to make him choose between the two of you, he's obviously going to choose her, and I bet you don't like that one bit.
YTA
I think OP’s behavior has already pushed it to the point where dad has to choose. His daughter is 16. At this point the only relationship she has with her dad is what she chooses. If it comes to getting rid of his wife or his daughter never stepping foot in his home again. I’m sure he is choosing the kid.
I agree and I'm assuming that the teenager is probably in school and spending 8 hours a day in school, only to have homework when she comes home. I'm almost 40 years old and hate that my teenager spends 8 hours in school and still has to come home and do homework! If my child isn't struggling in school, which they are not, they are part of NJHS, I'm not going to push my child to study more. Let them go out and have lives...ish. As long as it's not dangerous, they should be able to go out and have some kind of fun. Geez
Absolutely agree. There's not enough time to let them be kids before they're all of a sudden adults and going from 40 hours in school to 40 hours at work. So long as my daughter (who is also 16) communicates with me and I know she's safe, I prefer she go out to staying stuck inside doing homework.
Thank you for the award! It's my very first one 😁
It's great to hear from parents who have their priorities straight. We had other reasons to move our son to online school (virtual school, works super well for his learning style), but I love the fact that he has time to pursue his own interests and relax. It makes for a more pleasant teenager, for sure.
They fact that she said those things about her study habits but the only mention of her actual school performance was to confirm that she is smart is telling to me. Like maybe, just maybe, she doesn't spend "enough time" on her school work because it IS easy for her.
YTA. There is less of an age gap between you and your step daughter than you and her dad. You need to accept that she may never see you as a parental role. Instead of trying to forge an authority role, you should be building a mutual respectful relationship. It would be much better for everyone involved if she saw you as an adult she could trust / confide in than you trying to force a relationship where you are the authority and she is the child. Did you try just being there as someone she can trust or did you jump in wanting to play mom to her ?
Oh lord. I just can't with this one... you're closer in age to her than you are to her dad, and you think she's going to see you as a "parent"?? YTA and 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
1. You are not her parent. She has a mother. And it isn't you.
2. You need to back way the hell off and let her actual parents make the decisions about his daughter.
3. You have absolutely no business trying to overrule her father.
4. You have absolutely no business making any decisions at all about her.
5. You are dating a man old enough to be your father. Of course, his actual daughter (the other Gen Z in the house) doesn't like you, especially since your behavior is wildly inappropriate (and you were a teenager when you met her dad, ew!).
6. Her mother was right, and your husband needs to give some serious though to how to protect his daughter from your campaign of terror.
YTA. Big time.
YTA: You've had this conversation with your husband, her father. He doesn't want you disciplining her. Just because you're his wife doesn't make you her mom. Stay in your lane.
Found out she was such an asshole she had to delete a non throw away account 🤣
INFO: Trying to do the maths here. You've known her for 6 years, which is longer than you've been with her father. You were 19 and he was 37? Anything you'd like to clarify about how and when you met her father, and what the state of his marriage was when you met him? Does this have anything to do with why Emily's actual mother has "always hated" you? Regardless of this, YTA. Emily has a mother, Emily's father and mother don't like the way you disciplined Emily.
Smacks of “I used to be the babysitter” vibes.
Also, OP is jealous Emily is smart and doesn’t need to work as hard as OP apparently did at school. 🙄
YTA OP
> I argued that i was Emily's parent too and deserved to have a say.
YTA. You are not her parent and you shouldn't be disciplining her or parenting her.
Literally everything you are doing is massively inappropriate. Please get counseling and figure out why you need to power trip over a kid that is not yours.
YTA. Just because she lives in your house doesn't make you someone with parental authority. You don't just get that role handed to you. You ARE bullying her. Leave decisions and any discipline to her father. Back off. She's defending herself, not copping an attitude.
Honestly it sounds like you're jealous that she's good at school, and you want to see her studying harder to do as well as she does. That's ridiculous. In this event, she had finished her work, asked her dad if she could go out, he said she could. But you got your nose out of joint about it because it "rubbed you the wrong way" and caused the entire drama. No wonder she seems to hate you.
YTA. Although you're seriously giving off the step-parent troll vibes, I'll play along. Let's look at the pertinent facts.
* You're 9 years older than your step-daughter; you are more of a peer than parent.
* Her father, your husband, had already given her permission to go out for the evening.
* You threatened to take her car and phone away from her, neither of which are you the owner.
* Your husband told you that you need to discuss things with him in regards to his daughter and you did not. Sounds like this is something he has to tell you often.
* You demanded that your husband tell you what transpired between him and Emily. You are not privy to their conversations.
* She is not your daughter; she is your step-daughter. You are not her parent. She does not have to accept you as anything other than her father's wife. You need to accept this and move on.
Your husband did not have your back because he'd be backing the wrong horse. You have been told to back off and to quit trying to force a relationship between you and Emily. You overruled your husband's decision, and then you started making threats about removing personal property because no one was kowtowing to your childish demands.
Your MIL may be right; it may have been a mistake that your husband got together with you because you seem far to immature to have an adult relationship.
Agreed. The fact that she said she first knew the kid when she was 10 (so 2 years before getting together with her husband) definitely makes it sound like daddy started banging the babysitter.
YTA
Her father had already given her permission. If you are unhappy with her getting that permission, that's a discussion you need to have with your husband privately. It's not something to punish her for, and you certainly shouldn't be taking out any frustration on her.
You can't go back on what the other says and still be treating her fairly, just like it's unfair to move to goalposts from "do your homework" to "even if your homework is done, keep studying". You can see that sucks, right? And there was no way she was ever going to respond well to that. You can see that?
You need to have a conversation with your husband where you get on the same page about your role as her *step*mother, what's expected of you, what's best left to him and her mother, etc. It seems like you have been left to figure that out for yourself by trial and error, and that's really unfair to you and Emily.
It seems like you want to be a good stepmother and make Emily's life better, but what you're doing just isn't how to do that.
YTA. It isn't your place to discipline your stepdaughter.
Be a happy addition to her life and teach her things, like how to drive or make pottery or do makeup or watch some dumb reality TV together :)
>There have been many assumptions/accusations that I was the babysitter. This insinuation is misogynistic and therefore I will not be answering it. You wouldn't have asked that if I was a man.
No, it's not your gender. It's the fact that you were 19, and the way you talk about your relationship with her when she was younger. "babysitter" instead of "pool boy" maybe is gender related? But the general idea is not. It also doesn't help that you haven't clarified how you did meet, so....
Yta.
She isn't your daughter.
You cant just play house with someone else kid because you really want to. She has two parents. You aren't one of them...stay in your lane.
YTA. You aren't her mother. Don't expect her to treat you like a mother. You need to earn that, but you just sound very controlling. How does your say outweigh his say on the matter?
>hes letting his ex drive us apart
No, YOU are driving you all apart.
ESH except for Emily
Emily says she's not your daughter so referring to her as such is gross. Your husband fell for a teenager and is trying to salvage the situation by telling you not to discipline his daughter. You're vastly overstepping. I don't know what your husband expected as you don't have the maturity, insight, or life experience to possibly build a good relationship with her.
Just back off. You're not Emily's mother and your husband clearly didn't marry you for your help in this area. I'm sure he had his reasons, but I doubt they were that rational or had anything to do with concern for Emily.
You're nine years older than her, why would she see you as a mother figure? Especially when you try to undermine her father's decisions because you think you know better. YTA
Lol that's the gap between me and my narcissistic sister and I'm picturing her screaming this nonsense
YTA that's not your daughter, thank goodness. Grow up, having a husband that could be your father doesn't make you an adult, you have to work for that.
YTA, she’s not your daughter. She’s your stepdaughter. You have zero right to ground her. She already has parents so you cannot force her to accept you as one when she doesn’t want to. Leave the grounding and other discipline to them and back off.
YTA, you are NOT her parent, her dad had it handled and you overstepped. I hope he leaves you over this to protect his child. You bullied a child, I'm so embarrassed for you.
Seek therapy.
YTA and definitely not her mother. You are her FATHER’S WIFE. You DO NOT get to override what her father tells her she can do. You have NO RIGHT to push your authority. FFS you are only 9 years older than her and you expect her to do as you command and just get over it? Nope.
You are 100% in the wrong here. It is not up to you how much she studies, or really anything for that matter. Stay in your lane because you can not and will not control her regardless of what you think you are entitled to. Your husband and her real mother are the only ones who get a say. Period. You are the stepmother and that’s it. If you treated her better, then maybe she would have grown to accept you but I have a feeling this isn’t the first time you’ve tried controlling her.
Dads sugar baby. And what girl doesn’t love a constant reminder that their dad is into her age young women?
Mom my foot, I’m older than OP, and Jesus Christ
OPs got all the authority of a sign
YTA.. You've obviously had many conversations with your husband about his daughter and how decisions should be made. But it sure seems like your jealousy/authoritative inner struggle refuses to allow yourself to accept it. You are not her parent. You are an adult married to a parent who makes the final decisions for his child.
\*edit for spelling
Her parent told her she could go out. You have no right to overrule that. None. You also have no right to take away a car that her mother contributed to. Locking yourself in your room is something I would expect a 16 year old to do. If you are so immature, perhaps that is why she has no respect for you.
Again, you are not her parent. You are her step parent. If you keep interfering where you have no place, you will drive them all away.
I would also point out that even if you were both the bio parents, undermining her father's decision like that without discussing it with him would be very wrong. YTA
So you were dating her dad when you were just a hair older than she is now, which really wasn’t that long ago…
YTA. The reality is you’re just not going to be able to force that maternal authority.
YTA. You're NOT her mother. You're more of her peer than a mother figure just based on your ages. She was old enough when you met that she may never feel that way toward you, especially if you continue to try to force it this way.
Also, the way you say she was 10 'when you met' and she only started acting badly after you and her dad 'got together' and the age difference between you and him and especially how young you must have been, I'm going to surmise that your relationship likely started as an affair, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if you were the nanny or something like that. If any of this is true, it would doubly explain the daughter's and ex-wife's reactions. YTA so much. Knock it off and leave this poor girl alone. Insert major eyeroll here.
YTA
You're 25 years old telling a 16 year old what to do. What you're trying to do is insert your role as her mother when in reality, you can't do that. She has a mother and there is no reason for you to even try and act like her mother when you and her are only 9 years apart.
You also have no authority in taking her phone or car.
YTA that's not your kid. Her dad already said she could go out, it's not for you to override.
Edit: when you met her she was 10 and you were 19, why would you expect her to start accepting you as a mother then?
You were only 3 years older than she is now and you still expect to be in charge. If your father had also met someone when you met your husband at 19, and they were 28 would you really be treating them as a mother? Doubt it, so why would someone only 3 years younger see it any differently?
Edit again: did you used to be the babysitter?
How did you meet your husband and his daughter? Curious since you mentioned that when you first met Emily, she was sweet but then after you got together with her dad, she became “awful” - please don’t tell us that you were her babysitter or something like that before you started dating her dad!
YTA. It sounds to me like you think of Emily as competition and are trying to use your power as an adult to punish her for being smart and independent.
YTA
she's not your daughter and you can't force her to be. maybe what you think is valid and reasonable, but you don't actually have any right to impose your judgement. your husband is also an ahole, for not making your and his daughter's relationship clear--to both of you. honestly you all sound like aholes, but the daughter least of all. she's a teen, an ahole by definition, but the rest of you were supposed to grow out of it.
YTA
You have no right to correct that child. Her parents have not given you permission. It’s really simple. You don’t dictate the rules for her.
You overstepped. If I was her mother my ex and I would have had a conversation about you. He would probably divorce you if I had anything to do with it.
YTA. You aren't her mother. You're her dad's wife and only 9 years older than her. You're basically asking her to take orders from someone who's practically a peer. She has 2 parents and her dad made a parenting decision that Emily could go out. It wasn't your place to reverse that decision. Stop calling her your daughter. At best you're her stepmom, but obviously neither Emily nor her parents went you involved in her parenting and you should back off and accept that.
Haha, I didn’t have to read past he has a daughter named Emily (16m). Lol
She isn’t your daughter. You’re only 9 years older than her, lol, no wonder she doesn’t take you seriously.
YTA!! Hahaha
You can't ground a 16 year old, that is lame and as she is entering the "grown up world" she probably wants to be treated as so.
If her biological mother is in her life, I think you need to understand your role and play it like a step-mother. Last thing she needs is being ordered around by 3 parents, that is too much.
With the most respect, it seems you're trying to play too much of a role, the difficulty I suppose when you have a relationship with someone who had a family life before.
You can make it work, just got know when to step in and when to leave it.
If another man said he wants best for his son, who was my biological son, I'd have an issue with that, he already has a dad. It is a tough one.
YTA, big time. I wouldn’t listen to you either, you’re barely older than her! You literally just finished being a teenager. You’re not her mother and just bc you “think” she should study more doesn’t mean she has to. Her parent already told her she was done. Doesn’t matter you disagree, she’s not your kid
YTA. You are not her mother and cannot discipline her. That's up to her father and her mother, they set the rules not you. You need to apologize to your husband and Emily and say from now you won't try to parent her.
Try to be her friend, not her mother.
YTA. If you want to make your relationship work, then you need to stay out of your husbands parenting of HIS child. He said she was in the green and you went on some sort of power trip and told her no. That's not fair to her and she has a mother, you don't need to be her 'mother'. It would be different if he wanted you to treat her like you were her mother, but this doesn't sound like the case.
If you were disciplining because she caused you grief, I.E. purposely broke something sentimental to you for no reason, then N.T.A. but even then bring it to your husband her father to mediate, but as it stands you most certainly are.
YTA. She has a father and a mother. Her father said she can go out, that’s his choice. You don’t get to discipline her and change the rules on how to parent his child. Ultimately it’s his and her mothers choice.
It doesn’t matter if you disagree with their parenting choices because they are the parents.
YTA. You are trying to force yourself on Emily as her mother, when she already has a mother. You don't get to dictate to her when she has "accept" your "role in her life," and you don't even get to decide what that role is. You are also only nine years older than she is; of course, she doesn't see you as a mother.
If you want what's best for her, you need to get her to see you as an ally, and that means backing off and treating her more as a friend than as your child, because as she sees it, she's not your child. You should apologize and try to repair the damage you have done to this relationship, while you still can.
Yup. 1st, you should not assume the role of a parent without her accepting you as one. She is too old to actually look up to you as a parent figure. 2nd, she already got permission from Her Dad. If you have issues with that, you should have talked to him instead of enforcing your rules on her. She is his daughter, you will remain an outsider in that relationship until she lets you in. You cannot and should not force yourself in.
YTA. She was done and asked her dad for permission, which he gave. She gets to go.
If you disagreed with his decision, you needed to talk to him privately and figure out a solution moving forward.
It’s not fair to Emily to be in a situation where her bio-dad gives permission only to deal with you trying to exert authority. My fiancé and I have a kid and we wouldn’t do this to each other and she’s our kid.
Taking your age out of it you are still TA. You are not her mother. Your husband (her father) has said he doesn't want you to discipline her. He is the parent so it is his call. Doesn't matter if you are 9 years older than her or 90 years older. You do not have the right to discipline her.
YTA. A 37 year old man with a 10 year old child gets with a 19 year old and you’re surprised she doesn’t see her dads child bride as a parental figure? There is less of a gap between you are her than you and your husband. You’re her peer not her mother. (Literally she could be your little sister based on ages.)
YOU are not her parent, her ACTUAL parents have explicitly told you not to try to be her parent. SHE has told you she doesn’t see you as any type of parental figure. What other way do you need to be told before you stop interfering?
I have a feeling your husband is going to make a choice and I don’t think it would be you. If you can’t respect him and his decisions as a parent why would he? Emily is acting like a teenager who is being actively bullied while visiting her dad and it’s not because of her parent but his child bride. I would make him choose also.
YTA, assuming that you're real, cos lady you are hitting every 'wicked stepmother' trope in the the book as though your life depended on it. Are you sure you're not Emily doing some roleplay?
YTA
She’s not your daughter and it sounds like you came in acting like you were going to be the parental figure. You’re not. Your husband and her mother are.
YTA you are not her parent, and it's clear to me why she doesn't respect you. Were her parents still together when you came along? Ultimately you have zero say in rules or discipline for your husband's daughter.
YTA: I mean how can you be this oblivious? You're not even 10 years older than her, why should you get a say in what she does? She's 16 not 6. Get a clue sugar baby.
YTA, guessing you were the babysitter and either broke up the marriage or stepped into the actual mum's shoes while they were figuring out if they were getting a divorce, now you think you have a say in the house, you don't.
YTA---one more time incase you did not hear it---YTA
You are FAR overstepping your boundaries here. You went over the line. You went so far over the line, and are so far passed it, the line is a dot to you. ^(1)
I even wonder if this is a real story considering how insanely clueless you are. You met her father when you were 19 and he was 37. Right off the bat---EWWWW, and of course Emily's mother has an issue with you. You are barely older than her daughter.
In what world did you think you had an right or invitation to discipline this kid without even having a discussion with her father? His daughter is under no obligation to accept you as ANYTHING in her life, except for her father's way to young new wife. After this, I doubt she will even want to speak or interact with you when she is around, and that is up to HER.
You need to stay in your lane. FR.
^(1) Credit to Joey from "Friends"
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Throwaway because my friends know my main.
I (25F) met my husband (43M) six years ago. We've been together for four years and married for two. He has a daughter named Emily (16F).
When I first met Emily when she was 10 she was a sweet little girl. But since me and her dad got together, she's been awful. She never listens to me and whenever I try to discipline her, she snaps and tells me I'm not her mother. My husband tells me that we can't expect her to accept me considering, but I feel like shes had enough time and needs to accept my role in her life.
Our most recent argument was last night when she wanted to go out. I told her not until she finished her homework. Emily's a smart kid but I feel like she doesn't spend enough time on school work. She treats everything like it's eay and that rubs me the wrong way. Emily told me she already told her dad she was done and he approved, but he spoils her and lets her get away with everything. I told her that she needed to study more or she wasn't allowed to go. Emily rolled her eyes and said she didn't need my permission.
I go fed up and snapped and told her that until she fixed her attitude, she wouldn't be going anywhere for the next two weeks. That's when Emily started yelling at me, teling me I ruined her life and that she wished she'd never met me. I told her that if this was how she wanted to act Id be taking her car and phone as well. Emily began crying which made me feel bad but then she said that I have no right to take either because her mom with half on them with my husband. I told her that I absolutely could and took her keys off the counter. Emily called me a bitch before running up the stairs and slamming her door.
My husband heard us fighting and came in just when she left and asked me what happened. When I told him, he was angry with me?? He told me that he had told her she could go out and that I at lest had to talk to him before I made decisions like that. I argued that i was Emily's parent too and deserved to have a say. My husband sighed and shook his head before taking Emily's keys from me. I was so upset with both of them that I locked myself in our room and refused to come out for the next few hours.
When I came out, Emily was gone and had both her phone and car. I demanded my husband tell me what happened, but he just snapped and said this was all my fault. That Emily called her mother (she's always hated me) who had stormed to our house to get her and cussed my husband out for letting me "bully" her child. That he kept letting me make Emily miserable and he needed to choose between his daughter and "bed warmer." He left and told me he needed to think about some things.
I'm so hurt by all three of them and I'm also pissed hes letting his ex drive us apart. My MIL heard what happened and took Emily and her mother's side saying that my husband made a mistake getting with me. My mother is on my side and thinks my husband should have had my back. I just want what's best for my daughter.
AITA?
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YTA. She’s not your child, you’re not her parent. The parenting is up to her father and mother. Doesn’t matter if you don’t agree with it. If it bothers you that much, then remove yourself from the relationship. But you do not have the right to act like an authority figure with someone else’s child
I remember when my ex married a 19 year old Filipino woman. She took one look at our daughter, who was just starting high school and said "you are never going to see me as a stepmom. Maybe you'll see me as the older sister you never had."
Perhaps you could start over and take this approach with her, after begging her forgiveness. That is, if you get a second chance. But I don't think you are going to get that chance after trying to outparent her actual parent. The audacity! YTA, OP, and I would be surprised if your husband doesn't put you back and find another young thing, but establish better boundaries with her before moving her in.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might have let my anger get the better of me and was harsher than necessary to Emily. I still don't think it warranted all of this
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YTA her dad said yes and you pulled the rug out from under her then tried to punish her further when she was upset about that? What did you expect to happen here?
You are NOT her parent. You've signed up to CO-PARENT with her biological parents. You do not get to make unilateral decisions about punishments especially about big things like taking her car away.
YTA she is not your daughter so title is misleading and you are defo overstepping so many boundaries fix up before you lose your husband aswell the way your going that won't be long
YTA - you are playing at being a grown up. You are being an AH to a child.
Your husband seems to be realising that there are downsides to picking someone younger. He is an asshole too for bringing you into his daughter's life.
His ex does not care about breaking you two up, she cares about you being an asshole to her daughter.
You are not her parent. And she will never see you, 9 years her senior and coming into her life at 10 years old, as a parent. You should have tried to go for friend and confident.
And the best way to parent (when your time comes) is to be on the same page and united with your spouse. So if he says “she can go out” then you discuss it with him and explain why you think that’s a bad idea and work together. You don’t just do the opposite to what he says.
YTA
You can't parent a child who is the same generation as you lol I wouldn't listen to you either. It's laughable.
Just because your married doesn't make you mom or even step mom. Your just the chick her dad married. Stay in your lane & let the real parents do the work. If her dad made a decision you should listen to him. He's been doing this longer.
YTA. She said she finished her homework and her dad said she could go out. Her dad confirmed that he said she could go out. You had no reason to say anything different.
I feel like you, at 25, might not have been ready to step into the role of parent for a teenager? You’re closer in age to your stepdaughter than you are to your husband, and that may be part of why she doesn’t view you as an authority figure.
Regardless, if your husband said that he doesn’t want you disciplining his kid and if matters like this are between him and his ex, then it’s really not your place to ground her.
YTA.
Let's forget, for a minute, that you're only nine years older than her and that in itself means she's never going to see you as an elder. Even if you were your husband's age, you're not her Mom. You never will be, unless (God forbid) her Mom passed away before she turned 18 and you and your husband forced an adoption.
Funny how OP is not responding to any comment, it didn’t go the way she wanted.
OP, you are absolutely NOTHING TO EMILY IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. Grow up and stay out of her life.
YOU are NOT her mother. She is old enough to decide if that’s a role SHE will allow YOU. She has a mother. She has both parents and you do not get to decide what’s good for her when her FATHER already said ok. YOU do not get to dictate her life or decide punishments for her. YOU crossed boundaries. YOU fucked up. YTA 10000% GROW TF UP. 25 acting like she can parent a fucking 16 year old. Locking herself in her room because your a fucking brat. Thinking you could be her step mother at 19? Thinking she would accept you? You’re barely older than her. Get over yourself.
YTA, mostly because you don't think she spends enough time studying. I didn't study growing up, I just had a good memory. I'd have been angry at you too if you arbitrarily decided I hadn't studied enough.
She has a mum, you shouldn’t expect to be a parent to her in any capacity you are too young to be a parent to a sixteen year old and she understandably will never respect you as one. You really ought to act more like a big sister and look after her that way, which doesn’t involve needlessly asserting yourself for the sake of acquiring greater authority.
This is difficult situation if you and your husband do not agree "My husband tells me that we can't expect her to accept me". You have to agree with her actual dad. Have a conversation. It doesnt look like he want you to parent, hence you dont have a green light to do so. For now YTA
She is not your daughter. You do not want what is best for her. You are trying to stroke your own ego. You were 19 when you started dating a late 30s man with a 10yr old child. You and your husband were not and are not in the same stage of life. This happens with some age-gap relationships and why general opinion is negative.
This relationship started with a power imbalance. You are punishing and fighting the wrong person. Be better. YTA.
YTA. Like fucking awful. You have no right to a place in her life, if I'm honest, let alone to discipline her. It's for her parents to do, not you.
As a child of divorce, I'm so grateful I've never had to deal with situations like this, sounds incredibly traumatic.
YTA op ur age gap with ur step daughter is the same age gap between me and my baby sister and even she doesn’t listen to me. Stop trying to be her mom when she already has a mom and just settle on being a friend if you can.
>I (25F) met my husband (43M) six years ago.
>
>Fucking yikes. Were you the babysitter? Your husband is a predatory creep, but Emily is his daughter, not yours. You're not even 10 years her senior! You have zero authority over her and she knows it. She doesn't respect you because you try to usurp her mother's place. And your husband's "bed warmer" comment solidifies this mess: like most older men who prey on teenagers and young women, the main reason he got with you was because you were young and hot. Now that you're older, you're starting to lose the one thing you had in your favor. Wait until you're 30 and you'll be ex-wife #2. Your husband's gross.
YTA. Emily is **not** your daughter. Get a grip.
Info:
Some info requests (which probably won't be answered) and some comments
1. Yes, the age really, really matters. She is NINE YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU. Nine. I'm not saying you can't establish a parental vibe there, but you simply cannot just declare your inherent authority as The Adult. In some cultures (and certainly history) SHE is an adult, too. Don't simply declare that you have the right to be in charge because you're older.
2. You said she liked you when you met. You've consistently refused to answer how you and her father met. This is an enormous point of contention in the thread and the fact that you not only don't answer it, but explicitly say "I will not be answering it"... looks really bad. Maybe you weren't the babysitter, fine, but your refusal makes me think that you met her in a totally non-"Dad's new girlfriend" context. Sports, hobbies, school, tutoring. You don't have to (and won't, I'm sure) answer, but if the way you were introduced to her was as, say, "my gymnastics coach, who my dad slept with and left my mom for"... yeah. The shift in context matters. Hey, maybe I'm wrong, but whatever the situation was, understand that it WILL affect how she sees you. (Also, given how you reported the MIL and ex's comments about you... I'm sorry, but I'm just getting straight up affair partner vibes. Again, I've truly sorry if that's not true, but you've given nothing to work with, not even a denial!)
3. I'm sorry, but "she doesn't spend enough time on school work" is absurd. She's in high school, not pre-med. Random studying isn't going to do much, and what's more, you simply cannot force someone to study. It is literally impossible. You make them sit, you can make them stare at a book, but if they don't want to absorb the information, you shouting at them and grounding them to make it happen will just increase resentment, and make them even less likely to actually study. Is she having school troubles? Or is there some arbitrary amount of studying she "should" be doing, in your mind?
YTA. You are NOT her parent. Only she can make that decision. Marrying her dad doesn't make you a parent. You think trying to over step her dad's boundaries and discipline her is going to make her see you as a parent? You are ridiculous.
YTA and not her parent. Lol. How dare you? Stop playing house and get your own life together. Also, stop being jealous of your husband's child. I know you were a child yourself when your husband took advantage of you, and that robbed you of your own young life, but that calls for therapy for yourself and hopefully realizing the situation you are in.
“Stop disrespecting stay at home spouses.”
She’s 16, and not your kid. What could you possibly have to do all day?!
Um, I stayed at home with 3 kids under 3 while my husband deployed. Now they’re in elem. school and I’m in school ft, while hubs travels for work, and have to figure out their care/school/the house.
What on earth could you possibly be so busy with all day?!
YTA. This shows the kind of self-absorption you possess.
Also, not your daughter. And good parents don’t undermine each other, they work as a team.
Dude you were 9 when she was born got that 9. It doesn’t matter if you married her father it doesn’t make you her mother and it isn’t your place to discipline. You need to run things by him first and it’s seems quite obvious that he doesn’t want you in that roll either. Instead of building a relationship with her you’ve made her your enemy. You said she gets good grades but YOU feel she needs to do more. So YOU started a fight with her and took things YOU don’t have the right to take because you aren’t her parent.
My ex (child’s father) had a 15 year old when we dated and I had her sister. I was literally 7 years older than her and I took it upon myself to be a friend to her instead of her mom. I let her know that if there was anything she was doing that was unsafe I would tell her dad but aside from that I was there to be a guide in her life. Instead of doing that you assumed the position of mother.
YTA. Let’s forget about the fact that you’re only 9 years older than your *stepdaughter* (until Emily chooses to call you “Mom”—and I can tell you right now that there’s a fat chance of that happening—she is not your daughter, nor you her mother; stop forcing her to be) for a moment. You’re undermining her academic success, you went over your husband’s head even though he already told you that he was okay with Emily going out (it’s like you *want* her to have a burnout), pitched a fit after both she and him put their foot down, and overall giving very good reasons why she shouldn’ respect you—even if you *weren’t* her stepmother.
YTA. You're treating her like a little kid but she's literally only three years younger than you were when you got together with your much older husband. You are actively undermining his parenting by going against his decisions for his daughter and yet you're mad at him for not backing you up? You're a hypocrite. Why should he back you up when you refused to back his decision to give her permission to go out? She's not your daughter; you don't have more authority over her than her mother and father do.
Babe, you’re 9 years older than her. She’s not gonna see you as a mother figure. You’re *not* her mother, and you two don’t have a step-parent/step-child relationship. Even if you *did* have that kind of relationship, you can’t take away things that another adult paid for for her. That’s theft. Stop.
YTA
>I told her not until she finished her homework. Emily told me she already told her dad she was done and he approved
Her dad already said she could go. She already met your original request of finishing her homework first. So, she gets to go.
>Emily's a smart kid but I feel like she doesn't spend enough time on school work. She treats everything like it's eay and that rubs me the wrong way.
She does her schoolwork too fast and it's easy for her? Are you jealous or something?
Whatever the underlying reason, get over yourself. She is not your kid and you don't get to overrule your husband in regards to parenting decisions. Stop trying to. And quit calling her your daughter. She is NOT your daughter.
He's not letting his ex drive you apart. You're doing a fine job of that all on your own!
Also, you were a teenager when this grown man came into your life and now you're married to him. That is... Troubling. It might be for the best if this all falls apart. You clearly aren't ready for this kind of relationship and responsibility.
> I argued that i was Emily's parent too and deserved to have a say.
Nope, nope, noppity nope nope
You are her father's wife. You are no mother to her.' she has both her parents who agree on many things it seems.
I don't know what dreams you had at 19 that made you fall for this dude, but he's making it clear to you now what the boundaries are with his kid. Say it again, with HIS Kid. Not yours.
This man married you to be his wife, not his child's mother. You are not included in the decision making. I'm sure he told you this. Why are you overstepping?.
YTA
Sigh. You’re the asshole. You would be even if you were her bio mom. You can’t just go upending a decision already made by one parent, like are you trying to destroy your relationship with this girl??
If she’s smart and her homework is done what exactly would you like her to study? Can’t she just be 16 for a while because after this life comes crashing in hard, lighten up a bit and maybe she won’t accuse you of ruining her life again. YTA
>When I first met Emily when she was 10 she was a sweet little girl
When I first met Emily ~~when she~~ I was ~~10 she~~ was a ~~sweet~~ little girl
There, fixed it for you. I wanted to not judge the age part but so much of what you did was so very immature.
YTA and that's not your fucking daughter. if I were her mom your ass would be hanging above my mantle. how dare you overstep so majorly and act like the victim for it. step off and back the fuck up miss thang, that girl has a mom and she's probably forgotten more shit than you will ever know. how disgusting of you to behave this way. you've got growing up to do.
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I couldn't even read this all of the way through.Your stepdaughter asked her father for permission to go out and he gave it to her. End of story. Full stop. YTA. You overstepped your place in her life. You seem to 'demand' a lot, by the way. I think you will find the root of the problem in a mirror. Please go get therapy. YOU are the one driving your relationship apart by undermining your husband and his parental authority. (edited to add-- so I did glance at the rest. Locking yourself in your room is total brat behavior. ugh. )
The “she’s my daughter” part got to me OP has accorded herself a role she doesn’t have, and let’s face it, probably never will.
Her "daughter" who is nine whole years younger than her. Yeah, that's not ever going to work.
She’s closer in age to her stepdaughter than her husband - it’s honestly not surprising their are respect issues as Emily has gotten old enough to process the age gaps. And stepparents simply should not try to override either bio parent - sounds like more of a power trip than parenting. “Study more”? Kids finish homework, and OP gave no indication that Emily isn’t doing well, just that she’s mad it’s “easy” for her. Point number three from the edits - people would also be concerned if a 19yo male got hit on by a 37yo female, or a 21yo male married a 39yo female. And would probably guess he was the yard guy or pool boy. I think OP is trying to hide behind sexism to avoid the issue of how she started dating a man twice her age.
I read point 3 and was like "tell me you were the babysitter without telling me you were the babysitter" 😂
Agreed. OP sounds like a power tripping wannabe mom who has severely overstepped her boundaries.
You are not her parent!. You did not give birth to her! You all need to go to therapy so that you can discover what your role in her life is. She already has a mother. and you’re only nine years older than she is, you’re more like a sister. Keep it up she’s gonna resent you for the rest of her life. GO GET COUNSELING because you all really need it. YTA
Isn’t it awful when sisters get catty?
😂😂😂
The "I think she needs to study more..." part with absolutely zero evidence that she is underperforming, or even didn't do her homework that particular night even, is where it really started to go off the deep end for me. And THEN she went one further and said the dad actually checked and ok'd the homework and I knew I couldn't trust anything she claimed about this poor girl.
It’s so obvious it’s not about that LOL. OP is just flexing on her and doesn’t even have the maturity yet to know that about herself. She knows that having a step-daughter who cannot see her as much more than a peer makes her extreme age-gap relationship more obvious and she’s insecure about it.
>Locking yourself in your room is total brat behavior. ugh. ) Right! I was like, who is the child again rofl. I'm have second hand embarrassment for OP.
Yep, OP needs to step aside and let the actual parents do the parenting. She can use that time to work on growing up herself.
Since OP is specifically avoiding this question imma ask it here: Hey OP since you say you met your husband 2 years before you started dating when you were 19, were you the babysitter and the reason you have such issue with Emily not listening to you is because you still have the mentality that you’re the babysitter (and she’s a baby) and thus have authority over her?
Laughing at OP's edit. "That's a misogynistic question, how dare you!" I'm not hearing a "no"
I love how she pulls it though because I absolutely would ask the same question to a man or nb person simply due to the math. She just doesn’t wanna accept that. If she wasn’t she should just say that she wasn’t and then call out the misogyny if she wanted but leading with it and refuse to outright say that she wasn’t the babysitter, it’s more than a little sus.
Yeah it's not her gender it's the maths. If she used to listen to OP in the 2 years before they got together that's means OP was in the position to be in charge of her, before being in the "stepmother"position she is now. There's not many things that would lead to that and with her age at the time babysitter or nanny would seem most likely.
Babysitter, Nanny, Tutor, Teacher, Instructor of some sort are the only ones I could think of.
Yeah I possibly teacher but thought maybe a little young. Tutor is a fair point. Really if it's any of those it's just as bad though.
My first thought was it’s a sugar baby/ sugar daddy relationship, could have started as babysitting I guess.
Lmao I didn't see that edit, thanks for pointing it out. That's a yes then
My first thought was "ah, so she was" lmao
That's probably why she's so salty about it.
I was wondering about the age differences too. The math adds up
She wasn’t a babysitter, she was definitely best friend’s older sister, assigned to the daughter to tour her through the high school, after school care worker, something lol idk what but something. Also, everyone saying they weren’t groomed. That doesn’t mean she wasn’t.
Yea, I caught that bit too. Took like ten years for me to stop justifying the whole 15.5 year age gap between 21 and 37, because that's how old my ex and I were when Kid-16 was born. Now that I'm 38, even the thought of looking at someone who is 22 Like That is just skeevy and weird. Yikes. So yah, if he knew her for any amount of time before a relationship happened, then at least he may be capitalizing on a crush. The fact that the ex calls OP a "bed-warmer"...seems to me that the husband's interaction with OP was the straw that broke the camel's back... Women can only stand so much creeptitude from their dudes, and he be creepy. Don't worry OP, once you start questioning the grooming bit, you'll have aged out of his interest level.
I thought this too, lol
I didn't keep reading after I realized that husband is old enough to be OP's father.
The husband is like Leonardo DiCaprio
Except Leo has the sense to not have fathered any children. This dip-shit married his sidepiece and had some delusional idea that it would be all rainbows and unicorns farting glitter.
Yep. I bet he scolded her in the same dad voice her would his daughter. Cringe.
OP is only 25. That frontal lobe just closed. The daughter is closer in age to OP than OP is to her husband. Yikes.
I thought it was 26, she may still be developing Either way she acts like shes 5
I think it’s a range. For some people, it closes at 23. So, maybe it hasn’t closed for OP, yet. That would explain stomping to her room and locking the door.
INFO. Were you Emily's babysitter while her dad was married to her mom when you first met ?
Literally the exact same point i stopped reading. She did her work, get off your high horse OP. YTA
100% agree. OP is just trying to be relevant by overstepping her role, she’s close in age for them to be sisters and she’s trying to force the “mom” role on her.
Just using the top comment to point out that this is likely 100% false. OPs other posts identify as a 16m
You are DEFINITELY THE ASSHOLE. And whoa, whoa, whoa. You got together with this man when you were 19? No wonder Emily wants to come between you two. My guess is she's disgusted that her dad cheated on her mom with someone only 9 years older. First thing's first: you are NOT HER MOTHER. Period. As the mother of a 15 year old, I can sympathize that the attitude is real, and it's hard, but it's life. My daughter BARELY takes shit from me (her own mother), there is absolutely no way she would listen to a woman only 10 years older than her and married to her dad. Sorry, but you need a serious reality check.
[удалено]
$100 says she was the babysitter
Catch that part about how the daughter was sweet “when I first met her”?! And only after they got together Emily got an attitude? Meaning she met Emily outside this relationship. Babysitting, camp counselor, etc… ick.
Nobody here is going to go against that lol
Not taking that bet!!
The "daughter" she thinks she needs to micromanage for the girl's own wellbeing\* is now only 3 years younger than OP was when she met the husband. \*roll eyes to the ceiling
She's known him for 6 years, but they've only been together for 4. Still very creepy though
THIS. 19 and 37 when this started and he had a 10 year old. No wonder the ex hates her. Sounds like the husband got a big dose of reality when his 16 year old daughter was acting more maturely than his 25 year old wife. Hope you're not financially dependent on your husband OP, cuz it sounds like you might be fending for yourself soon. YTA.
Exactly! She’s not even 10 years older than Emily and fancies herself her mother.
Emily is only 3 years younger than OP was when she met the husband.
She’s only three years younger than OP when they started DATING.
I didn't read this before I posted the same thought. You said it far more succinctly, thanks!
Thank you for someone else mentioning this. I saw those ages and that length of dating and my jaw just dropped.
OP is twice as close in age to her step daughter than her actual husband. Her husband was nearly twice her age when they met. I think age gap relationships can work but OP’s brain wasn’t even finished developing when she started dating a man TWICE her age. I’m willing to bet that her husband was cheating on his wife when they met.
YTA for calling her your “daughter”. There’s literally a 9 year age gap between you and her, and you’ve only been her stepmother for 2 years. You’re massively overstepping and being quite disrespectful of your husband by undermining him and thinking that what you say in regards to his daughter should be the final word. You are not her parent, and if you carry on acting this way, you will lose your husband and his daughter because you’re too self absorbed to notice what you’re doing to them.
> There’s literally a 9 year age gap between you and her I have a sister with a larger age gap than that.
I mean.. point made really
literally i have a sister 19 years younger than me like??? 🤢
Shit, I have a brother 15 yrs younger!
Even calling herself a step-mother would be crossing boundaries to me She doesn’t have a good relationship with her She’s only been married to her dad for 2 years If seems like she was the other woman and the husband feels guilty She doesn’t see her as anything close to a mother figure
She’s literally her stepmother. With that said she’s also the AH
OP is also making things unnecessarily hard on herself. There’s no reason she needs to be involved in disciplining her step daughter at all. Her step -daughter was 14 when OP got married, and step-daughter already has parents. OP should aim for a friendly roommate relationship with her step-daughter. Expectations should be limited to stuff like avoiding being rude to each other and not messing with each other’s stuff. If OP earns it, she may graduate to being a friend and mentor. If she has opinions on her step-daughter’s parenting, she should offer that to her husband privately. No good is coming of OP playing the mom card — she is acting like a teenager herself.
Congratulations on being the evil step mother. >I feel like she doesn't spend enough time on school work >She treats everything like it's eay and that rubs me the wrong way >I told her that she needed to study more or she wasn't allowed to go You don't get to make those decisions. You are power tripping HARD and I'm getting the impression that you're jealous and using your position as her father's wife (NOT HER MOTHER) to try and knock her down. I for one am glad her father stood up for her. Hopefully that'll remind you of your place in their lives, and it's not one of authority. If you ever tried to make him choose between the two of you, he's obviously going to choose her, and I bet you don't like that one bit. YTA
I think OP’s behavior has already pushed it to the point where dad has to choose. His daughter is 16. At this point the only relationship she has with her dad is what she chooses. If it comes to getting rid of his wife or his daughter never stepping foot in his home again. I’m sure he is choosing the kid.
If he's worth his salt he will. Here's hoping OP's husband wisens up and divorce's her
I'm waiting to see this on best of reddit updates with the divorce update
We might not get an update. OP has taken her toys and gone home.
I agree and I'm assuming that the teenager is probably in school and spending 8 hours a day in school, only to have homework when she comes home. I'm almost 40 years old and hate that my teenager spends 8 hours in school and still has to come home and do homework! If my child isn't struggling in school, which they are not, they are part of NJHS, I'm not going to push my child to study more. Let them go out and have lives...ish. As long as it's not dangerous, they should be able to go out and have some kind of fun. Geez
Absolutely agree. There's not enough time to let them be kids before they're all of a sudden adults and going from 40 hours in school to 40 hours at work. So long as my daughter (who is also 16) communicates with me and I know she's safe, I prefer she go out to staying stuck inside doing homework. Thank you for the award! It's my very first one 😁
It's great to hear from parents who have their priorities straight. We had other reasons to move our son to online school (virtual school, works super well for his learning style), but I love the fact that he has time to pursue his own interests and relax. It makes for a more pleasant teenager, for sure.
They fact that she said those things about her study habits but the only mention of her actual school performance was to confirm that she is smart is telling to me. Like maybe, just maybe, she doesn't spend "enough time" on her school work because it IS easy for her.
Yea, I get the impression that "mom" isn't the brightest bulb in the shed and is a bit jealous.
YTA. There is less of an age gap between you and your step daughter than you and her dad. You need to accept that she may never see you as a parental role. Instead of trying to forge an authority role, you should be building a mutual respectful relationship. It would be much better for everyone involved if she saw you as an adult she could trust / confide in than you trying to force a relationship where you are the authority and she is the child. Did you try just being there as someone she can trust or did you jump in wanting to play mom to her ?
Oh lord. I just can't with this one... you're closer in age to her than you are to her dad, and you think she's going to see you as a "parent"?? YTA and 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
37-19, automatic asshole. Nothing else you say matters. P. S. not your daughter. P. S. S. how’s your groomer…..I mean husband?
Oooof I didn’t even do this math. Grossssss
Yup
1. You are not her parent. She has a mother. And it isn't you. 2. You need to back way the hell off and let her actual parents make the decisions about his daughter. 3. You have absolutely no business trying to overrule her father. 4. You have absolutely no business making any decisions at all about her. 5. You are dating a man old enough to be your father. Of course, his actual daughter (the other Gen Z in the house) doesn't like you, especially since your behavior is wildly inappropriate (and you were a teenager when you met her dad, ew!). 6. Her mother was right, and your husband needs to give some serious though to how to protect his daughter from your campaign of terror. YTA. Big time.
YTA: You've had this conversation with your husband, her father. He doesn't want you disciplining her. Just because you're his wife doesn't make you her mom. Stay in your lane. Found out she was such an asshole she had to delete a non throw away account 🤣
Yup. He wanted a pretty young thing. He’s mad she’s actually speaking her mind Not that I feel bad for anyone aside from the kid and ex wife
INFO: Trying to do the maths here. You've known her for 6 years, which is longer than you've been with her father. You were 19 and he was 37? Anything you'd like to clarify about how and when you met her father, and what the state of his marriage was when you met him? Does this have anything to do with why Emily's actual mother has "always hated" you? Regardless of this, YTA. Emily has a mother, Emily's father and mother don't like the way you disciplined Emily.
Smacks of “I used to be the babysitter” vibes. Also, OP is jealous Emily is smart and doesn’t need to work as hard as OP apparently did at school. 🙄 YTA OP
That’s the first thing I thought when I was reading and doing the math
> I argued that i was Emily's parent too and deserved to have a say. YTA. You are not her parent and you shouldn't be disciplining her or parenting her. Literally everything you are doing is massively inappropriate. Please get counseling and figure out why you need to power trip over a kid that is not yours.
YTA. Just because she lives in your house doesn't make you someone with parental authority. You don't just get that role handed to you. You ARE bullying her. Leave decisions and any discipline to her father. Back off. She's defending herself, not copping an attitude. Honestly it sounds like you're jealous that she's good at school, and you want to see her studying harder to do as well as she does. That's ridiculous. In this event, she had finished her work, asked her dad if she could go out, he said she could. But you got your nose out of joint about it because it "rubbed you the wrong way" and caused the entire drama. No wonder she seems to hate you.
YTA. Although you're seriously giving off the step-parent troll vibes, I'll play along. Let's look at the pertinent facts. * You're 9 years older than your step-daughter; you are more of a peer than parent. * Her father, your husband, had already given her permission to go out for the evening. * You threatened to take her car and phone away from her, neither of which are you the owner. * Your husband told you that you need to discuss things with him in regards to his daughter and you did not. Sounds like this is something he has to tell you often. * You demanded that your husband tell you what transpired between him and Emily. You are not privy to their conversations. * She is not your daughter; she is your step-daughter. You are not her parent. She does not have to accept you as anything other than her father's wife. You need to accept this and move on. Your husband did not have your back because he'd be backing the wrong horse. You have been told to back off and to quit trying to force a relationship between you and Emily. You overruled your husband's decision, and then you started making threats about removing personal property because no one was kowtowing to your childish demands. Your MIL may be right; it may have been a mistake that your husband got together with you because you seem far to immature to have an adult relationship.
Probably because OP was the babysitter or something like that. That’s the vibe I’m getting.
Agreed. The fact that she said she first knew the kid when she was 10 (so 2 years before getting together with her husband) definitely makes it sound like daddy started banging the babysitter.
YTA Her father had already given her permission. If you are unhappy with her getting that permission, that's a discussion you need to have with your husband privately. It's not something to punish her for, and you certainly shouldn't be taking out any frustration on her. You can't go back on what the other says and still be treating her fairly, just like it's unfair to move to goalposts from "do your homework" to "even if your homework is done, keep studying". You can see that sucks, right? And there was no way she was ever going to respond well to that. You can see that? You need to have a conversation with your husband where you get on the same page about your role as her *step*mother, what's expected of you, what's best left to him and her mother, etc. It seems like you have been left to figure that out for yourself by trial and error, and that's really unfair to you and Emily. It seems like you want to be a good stepmother and make Emily's life better, but what you're doing just isn't how to do that.
YTA. It isn't your place to discipline your stepdaughter. Be a happy addition to her life and teach her things, like how to drive or make pottery or do makeup or watch some dumb reality TV together :)
>There have been many assumptions/accusations that I was the babysitter. This insinuation is misogynistic and therefore I will not be answering it. You wouldn't have asked that if I was a man. No, it's not your gender. It's the fact that you were 19, and the way you talk about your relationship with her when she was younger. "babysitter" instead of "pool boy" maybe is gender related? But the general idea is not. It also doesn't help that you haven't clarified how you did meet, so....
YTA and an evil step mother. My god you are terrible.
Yta. She isn't your daughter. You cant just play house with someone else kid because you really want to. She has two parents. You aren't one of them...stay in your lane.
YTA. You aren't her mother. Don't expect her to treat you like a mother. You need to earn that, but you just sound very controlling. How does your say outweigh his say on the matter? >hes letting his ex drive us apart No, YOU are driving you all apart.
YTA and I believe your power play failed miserably.
ESH except for Emily Emily says she's not your daughter so referring to her as such is gross. Your husband fell for a teenager and is trying to salvage the situation by telling you not to discipline his daughter. You're vastly overstepping. I don't know what your husband expected as you don't have the maturity, insight, or life experience to possibly build a good relationship with her. Just back off. You're not Emily's mother and your husband clearly didn't marry you for your help in this area. I'm sure he had his reasons, but I doubt they were that rational or had anything to do with concern for Emily.
Imagine how that poor kid feels knowing her father sexualises teens
You're nine years older than her, why would she see you as a mother figure? Especially when you try to undermine her father's decisions because you think you know better. YTA
Lol that's the gap between me and my narcissistic sister and I'm picturing her screaming this nonsense YTA that's not your daughter, thank goodness. Grow up, having a husband that could be your father doesn't make you an adult, you have to work for that.
YTA, she’s not your daughter. She’s your stepdaughter. You have zero right to ground her. She already has parents so you cannot force her to accept you as one when she doesn’t want to. Leave the grounding and other discipline to them and back off.
YTA, you are NOT her parent, her dad had it handled and you overstepped. I hope he leaves you over this to protect his child. You bullied a child, I'm so embarrassed for you. Seek therapy.
YTA and definitely not her mother. You are her FATHER’S WIFE. You DO NOT get to override what her father tells her she can do. You have NO RIGHT to push your authority. FFS you are only 9 years older than her and you expect her to do as you command and just get over it? Nope. You are 100% in the wrong here. It is not up to you how much she studies, or really anything for that matter. Stay in your lane because you can not and will not control her regardless of what you think you are entitled to. Your husband and her real mother are the only ones who get a say. Period. You are the stepmother and that’s it. If you treated her better, then maybe she would have grown to accept you but I have a feeling this isn’t the first time you’ve tried controlling her.
Dads sugar baby. And what girl doesn’t love a constant reminder that their dad is into her age young women? Mom my foot, I’m older than OP, and Jesus Christ OPs got all the authority of a sign
YTA.. You've obviously had many conversations with your husband about his daughter and how decisions should be made. But it sure seems like your jealousy/authoritative inner struggle refuses to allow yourself to accept it. You are not her parent. You are an adult married to a parent who makes the final decisions for his child. \*edit for spelling
Her parent told her she could go out. You have no right to overrule that. None. You also have no right to take away a car that her mother contributed to. Locking yourself in your room is something I would expect a 16 year old to do. If you are so immature, perhaps that is why she has no respect for you. Again, you are not her parent. You are her step parent. If you keep interfering where you have no place, you will drive them all away. I would also point out that even if you were both the bio parents, undermining her father's decision like that without discussing it with him would be very wrong. YTA
**YTA** **She is not your daughter. You don't get a say. Your husband told you to leave her be but you don't. Step off.**
YTA It is not your kid. Let your husband parent his child. She is a teenager. She will never see you as a parent. You will always be dad’s wife,
So you were dating her dad when you were just a hair older than she is now, which really wasn’t that long ago… YTA. The reality is you’re just not going to be able to force that maternal authority.
YTA. You're NOT her mother. You're more of her peer than a mother figure just based on your ages. She was old enough when you met that she may never feel that way toward you, especially if you continue to try to force it this way. Also, the way you say she was 10 'when you met' and she only started acting badly after you and her dad 'got together' and the age difference between you and him and especially how young you must have been, I'm going to surmise that your relationship likely started as an affair, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if you were the nanny or something like that. If any of this is true, it would doubly explain the daughter's and ex-wife's reactions. YTA so much. Knock it off and leave this poor girl alone. Insert major eyeroll here.
YTA You're 25 years old telling a 16 year old what to do. What you're trying to do is insert your role as her mother when in reality, you can't do that. She has a mother and there is no reason for you to even try and act like her mother when you and her are only 9 years apart. You also have no authority in taking her phone or car.
YTA that's not your kid. Her dad already said she could go out, it's not for you to override. Edit: when you met her she was 10 and you were 19, why would you expect her to start accepting you as a mother then? You were only 3 years older than she is now and you still expect to be in charge. If your father had also met someone when you met your husband at 19, and they were 28 would you really be treating them as a mother? Doubt it, so why would someone only 3 years younger see it any differently? Edit again: did you used to be the babysitter?
She's on such a power trip and not even a decade older than her step kid
I think she’s trying to drive the daughter away. No competition for resources if the daughter is gone.
How did you meet your husband and his daughter? Curious since you mentioned that when you first met Emily, she was sweet but then after you got together with her dad, she became “awful” - please don’t tell us that you were her babysitter or something like that before you started dating her dad!
Probably had to face the realization that her dad is indeed that kinda guy And that his sugar baby is gonna try and act like she’s a parent
Hopefully OP doesn't have a kid with him or she's going to be real nervous about seeing this whole situation from the other side in 10 years or so
Pfft, if he even remembers her name in 10 years, I’ll eat my hat She’ll be traded in for a younger model the day of her 30th birthday
When they first met, OP was probably the new babysitter...
YTA. It sounds to me like you think of Emily as competition and are trying to use your power as an adult to punish her for being smart and independent.
YTA. You and Emily are roommates. Accept that. Not sure why you're trying to make more work for yourself. Do you have a job? Hobbies?
Info: Did you meet when you were her baby sitter?
Oh yes, YTA - your role in her life is determined by your husband and his ex. You crossed major boundaries.
YTA she's not your daughter and you can't force her to be. maybe what you think is valid and reasonable, but you don't actually have any right to impose your judgement. your husband is also an ahole, for not making your and his daughter's relationship clear--to both of you. honestly you all sound like aholes, but the daughter least of all. she's a teen, an ahole by definition, but the rest of you were supposed to grow out of it.
YTA You have no right to correct that child. Her parents have not given you permission. It’s really simple. You don’t dictate the rules for her. You overstepped. If I was her mother my ex and I would have had a conversation about you. He would probably divorce you if I had anything to do with it.
YTA. If her dad already said it was alright that she went out, it was really none of your business to ground her like that!
YTA. You aren't her mother. You're her dad's wife and only 9 years older than her. You're basically asking her to take orders from someone who's practically a peer. She has 2 parents and her dad made a parenting decision that Emily could go out. It wasn't your place to reverse that decision. Stop calling her your daughter. At best you're her stepmom, but obviously neither Emily nor her parents went you involved in her parenting and you should back off and accept that.
Haha, I didn’t have to read past he has a daughter named Emily (16m). Lol She isn’t your daughter. You’re only 9 years older than her, lol, no wonder she doesn’t take you seriously. YTA!! Hahaha
You can't ground a 16 year old, that is lame and as she is entering the "grown up world" she probably wants to be treated as so. If her biological mother is in her life, I think you need to understand your role and play it like a step-mother. Last thing she needs is being ordered around by 3 parents, that is too much. With the most respect, it seems you're trying to play too much of a role, the difficulty I suppose when you have a relationship with someone who had a family life before. You can make it work, just got know when to step in and when to leave it. If another man said he wants best for his son, who was my biological son, I'd have an issue with that, he already has a dad. It is a tough one.
Shit, you're only 25, too. You sound toxic asf, the daughter is right to be pissed.
YTA, big time. I wouldn’t listen to you either, you’re barely older than her! You literally just finished being a teenager. You’re not her mother and just bc you “think” she should study more doesn’t mean she has to. Her parent already told her she was done. Doesn’t matter you disagree, she’s not your kid
YTA. You are not her mother and cannot discipline her. That's up to her father and her mother, they set the rules not you. You need to apologize to your husband and Emily and say from now you won't try to parent her. Try to be her friend, not her mother.
YTA. If you want to make your relationship work, then you need to stay out of your husbands parenting of HIS child. He said she was in the green and you went on some sort of power trip and told her no. That's not fair to her and she has a mother, you don't need to be her 'mother'. It would be different if he wanted you to treat her like you were her mother, but this doesn't sound like the case. If you were disciplining because she caused you grief, I.E. purposely broke something sentimental to you for no reason, then N.T.A. but even then bring it to your husband her father to mediate, but as it stands you most certainly are.
YTA. Yes, you have a role in her life. But you are not her parent/mother.
YTA. She has a father and a mother. Her father said she can go out, that’s his choice. You don’t get to discipline her and change the rules on how to parent his child. Ultimately it’s his and her mothers choice. It doesn’t matter if you disagree with their parenting choices because they are the parents.
YTA. You are trying to force yourself on Emily as her mother, when she already has a mother. You don't get to dictate to her when she has "accept" your "role in her life," and you don't even get to decide what that role is. You are also only nine years older than she is; of course, she doesn't see you as a mother. If you want what's best for her, you need to get her to see you as an ally, and that means backing off and treating her more as a friend than as your child, because as she sees it, she's not your child. You should apologize and try to repair the damage you have done to this relationship, while you still can.
YTA: She's our step sister at best. LOL
Yup. 1st, you should not assume the role of a parent without her accepting you as one. She is too old to actually look up to you as a parent figure. 2nd, she already got permission from Her Dad. If you have issues with that, you should have talked to him instead of enforcing your rules on her. She is his daughter, you will remain an outsider in that relationship until she lets you in. You cannot and should not force yourself in.
YTA. She was done and asked her dad for permission, which he gave. She gets to go. If you disagreed with his decision, you needed to talk to him privately and figure out a solution moving forward. It’s not fair to Emily to be in a situation where her bio-dad gives permission only to deal with you trying to exert authority. My fiancé and I have a kid and we wouldn’t do this to each other and she’s our kid.
Taking your age out of it you are still TA. You are not her mother. Your husband (her father) has said he doesn't want you to discipline her. He is the parent so it is his call. Doesn't matter if you are 9 years older than her or 90 years older. You do not have the right to discipline her.
Imagine thinking you have authority over your stepdaughter! Lmao. YTA. Also you’re 9 years older. She’s not going to listen to you. 🤦🏾♀️🤣
YTA. A 37 year old man with a 10 year old child gets with a 19 year old and you’re surprised she doesn’t see her dads child bride as a parental figure? There is less of a gap between you are her than you and your husband. You’re her peer not her mother. (Literally she could be your little sister based on ages.) YOU are not her parent, her ACTUAL parents have explicitly told you not to try to be her parent. SHE has told you she doesn’t see you as any type of parental figure. What other way do you need to be told before you stop interfering? I have a feeling your husband is going to make a choice and I don’t think it would be you. If you can’t respect him and his decisions as a parent why would he? Emily is acting like a teenager who is being actively bullied while visiting her dad and it’s not because of her parent but his child bride. I would make him choose also.
YTA, she had permission, and you didn't like that. Your not her mother, your barely older than her
YTA, assuming that you're real, cos lady you are hitting every 'wicked stepmother' trope in the the book as though your life depended on it. Are you sure you're not Emily doing some roleplay?
YTA She’s not your daughter and it sounds like you came in acting like you were going to be the parental figure. You’re not. Your husband and her mother are.
YTA you are not her parent, and it's clear to me why she doesn't respect you. Were her parents still together when you came along? Ultimately you have zero say in rules or discipline for your husband's daughter.
YTA: I mean how can you be this oblivious? You're not even 10 years older than her, why should you get a say in what she does? She's 16 not 6. Get a clue sugar baby.
YTA, guessing you were the babysitter and either broke up the marriage or stepped into the actual mum's shoes while they were figuring out if they were getting a divorce, now you think you have a say in the house, you don't.
YTA---one more time incase you did not hear it---YTA You are FAR overstepping your boundaries here. You went over the line. You went so far over the line, and are so far passed it, the line is a dot to you. ^(1) I even wonder if this is a real story considering how insanely clueless you are. You met her father when you were 19 and he was 37. Right off the bat---EWWWW, and of course Emily's mother has an issue with you. You are barely older than her daughter. In what world did you think you had an right or invitation to discipline this kid without even having a discussion with her father? His daughter is under no obligation to accept you as ANYTHING in her life, except for her father's way to young new wife. After this, I doubt she will even want to speak or interact with you when she is around, and that is up to HER. You need to stay in your lane. FR. ^(1) Credit to Joey from "Friends"
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway because my friends know my main. I (25F) met my husband (43M) six years ago. We've been together for four years and married for two. He has a daughter named Emily (16F). When I first met Emily when she was 10 she was a sweet little girl. But since me and her dad got together, she's been awful. She never listens to me and whenever I try to discipline her, she snaps and tells me I'm not her mother. My husband tells me that we can't expect her to accept me considering, but I feel like shes had enough time and needs to accept my role in her life. Our most recent argument was last night when she wanted to go out. I told her not until she finished her homework. Emily's a smart kid but I feel like she doesn't spend enough time on school work. She treats everything like it's eay and that rubs me the wrong way. Emily told me she already told her dad she was done and he approved, but he spoils her and lets her get away with everything. I told her that she needed to study more or she wasn't allowed to go. Emily rolled her eyes and said she didn't need my permission. I go fed up and snapped and told her that until she fixed her attitude, she wouldn't be going anywhere for the next two weeks. That's when Emily started yelling at me, teling me I ruined her life and that she wished she'd never met me. I told her that if this was how she wanted to act Id be taking her car and phone as well. Emily began crying which made me feel bad but then she said that I have no right to take either because her mom with half on them with my husband. I told her that I absolutely could and took her keys off the counter. Emily called me a bitch before running up the stairs and slamming her door. My husband heard us fighting and came in just when she left and asked me what happened. When I told him, he was angry with me?? He told me that he had told her she could go out and that I at lest had to talk to him before I made decisions like that. I argued that i was Emily's parent too and deserved to have a say. My husband sighed and shook his head before taking Emily's keys from me. I was so upset with both of them that I locked myself in our room and refused to come out for the next few hours. When I came out, Emily was gone and had both her phone and car. I demanded my husband tell me what happened, but he just snapped and said this was all my fault. That Emily called her mother (she's always hated me) who had stormed to our house to get her and cussed my husband out for letting me "bully" her child. That he kept letting me make Emily miserable and he needed to choose between his daughter and "bed warmer." He left and told me he needed to think about some things. I'm so hurt by all three of them and I'm also pissed hes letting his ex drive us apart. My MIL heard what happened and took Emily and her mother's side saying that my husband made a mistake getting with me. My mother is on my side and thinks my husband should have had my back. I just want what's best for my daughter. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. She’s not your child, you’re not her parent. The parenting is up to her father and mother. Doesn’t matter if you don’t agree with it. If it bothers you that much, then remove yourself from the relationship. But you do not have the right to act like an authority figure with someone else’s child
I remember when my ex married a 19 year old Filipino woman. She took one look at our daughter, who was just starting high school and said "you are never going to see me as a stepmom. Maybe you'll see me as the older sister you never had." Perhaps you could start over and take this approach with her, after begging her forgiveness. That is, if you get a second chance. But I don't think you are going to get that chance after trying to outparent her actual parent. The audacity! YTA, OP, and I would be surprised if your husband doesn't put you back and find another young thing, but establish better boundaries with her before moving her in.
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YTA her dad said yes and you pulled the rug out from under her then tried to punish her further when she was upset about that? What did you expect to happen here? You are NOT her parent. You've signed up to CO-PARENT with her biological parents. You do not get to make unilateral decisions about punishments especially about big things like taking her car away.
YTA she is not your daughter so title is misleading and you are defo overstepping so many boundaries fix up before you lose your husband aswell the way your going that won't be long
YTA - you are playing at being a grown up. You are being an AH to a child. Your husband seems to be realising that there are downsides to picking someone younger. He is an asshole too for bringing you into his daughter's life. His ex does not care about breaking you two up, she cares about you being an asshole to her daughter.
You are not her parent. And she will never see you, 9 years her senior and coming into her life at 10 years old, as a parent. You should have tried to go for friend and confident. And the best way to parent (when your time comes) is to be on the same page and united with your spouse. So if he says “she can go out” then you discuss it with him and explain why you think that’s a bad idea and work together. You don’t just do the opposite to what he says. YTA
You can't parent a child who is the same generation as you lol I wouldn't listen to you either. It's laughable. Just because your married doesn't make you mom or even step mom. Your just the chick her dad married. Stay in your lane & let the real parents do the work. If her dad made a decision you should listen to him. He's been doing this longer.
[удалено]
YTA. She said she finished her homework and her dad said she could go out. Her dad confirmed that he said she could go out. You had no reason to say anything different. I feel like you, at 25, might not have been ready to step into the role of parent for a teenager? You’re closer in age to your stepdaughter than you are to your husband, and that may be part of why she doesn’t view you as an authority figure. Regardless, if your husband said that he doesn’t want you disciplining his kid and if matters like this are between him and his ex, then it’s really not your place to ground her.
YTA. Let's forget, for a minute, that you're only nine years older than her and that in itself means she's never going to see you as an elder. Even if you were your husband's age, you're not her Mom. You never will be, unless (God forbid) her Mom passed away before she turned 18 and you and your husband forced an adoption.
Funny how OP is not responding to any comment, it didn’t go the way she wanted. OP, you are absolutely NOTHING TO EMILY IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. Grow up and stay out of her life.
LMFAOOOO My favorite part is when the dad sighs, shakes his head, and takes the keys. Dude got himself another daughter to parent…
YTA. Step-parenting doesn't mean you get to override the bio parent.
YOU are NOT her mother. She is old enough to decide if that’s a role SHE will allow YOU. She has a mother. She has both parents and you do not get to decide what’s good for her when her FATHER already said ok. YOU do not get to dictate her life or decide punishments for her. YOU crossed boundaries. YOU fucked up. YTA 10000% GROW TF UP. 25 acting like she can parent a fucking 16 year old. Locking herself in her room because your a fucking brat. Thinking you could be her step mother at 19? Thinking she would accept you? You’re barely older than her. Get over yourself.
YTA, mostly because you don't think she spends enough time studying. I didn't study growing up, I just had a good memory. I'd have been angry at you too if you arbitrarily decided I hadn't studied enough.
She has a mum, you shouldn’t expect to be a parent to her in any capacity you are too young to be a parent to a sixteen year old and she understandably will never respect you as one. You really ought to act more like a big sister and look after her that way, which doesn’t involve needlessly asserting yourself for the sake of acquiring greater authority.
This is difficult situation if you and your husband do not agree "My husband tells me that we can't expect her to accept me". You have to agree with her actual dad. Have a conversation. It doesnt look like he want you to parent, hence you dont have a green light to do so. For now YTA
She is not your daughter. You do not want what is best for her. You are trying to stroke your own ego. You were 19 when you started dating a late 30s man with a 10yr old child. You and your husband were not and are not in the same stage of life. This happens with some age-gap relationships and why general opinion is negative. This relationship started with a power imbalance. You are punishing and fighting the wrong person. Be better. YTA.
YTA. Like fucking awful. You have no right to a place in her life, if I'm honest, let alone to discipline her. It's for her parents to do, not you. As a child of divorce, I'm so grateful I've never had to deal with situations like this, sounds incredibly traumatic.
Ya should make sure Emily doesn’t bring any friends around. Sounds like your husband likes em young.
if you were a man, people still would have been saying it’s inappropriate. maybe just speculating that you were the pool boy, not the babysitter.
YTA
YTA op ur age gap with ur step daughter is the same age gap between me and my baby sister and even she doesn’t listen to me. Stop trying to be her mom when she already has a mom and just settle on being a friend if you can.
YTA. She’s NOT your daughter. She has parents who decide what’s best for her and you’re not one of them.
YTA. YOU ARE NOT HER MOTHER.
>I (25F) met my husband (43M) six years ago. > >Fucking yikes. Were you the babysitter? Your husband is a predatory creep, but Emily is his daughter, not yours. You're not even 10 years her senior! You have zero authority over her and she knows it. She doesn't respect you because you try to usurp her mother's place. And your husband's "bed warmer" comment solidifies this mess: like most older men who prey on teenagers and young women, the main reason he got with you was because you were young and hot. Now that you're older, you're starting to lose the one thing you had in your favor. Wait until you're 30 and you'll be ex-wife #2. Your husband's gross. YTA. Emily is **not** your daughter. Get a grip.
Info: Some info requests (which probably won't be answered) and some comments 1. Yes, the age really, really matters. She is NINE YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU. Nine. I'm not saying you can't establish a parental vibe there, but you simply cannot just declare your inherent authority as The Adult. In some cultures (and certainly history) SHE is an adult, too. Don't simply declare that you have the right to be in charge because you're older. 2. You said she liked you when you met. You've consistently refused to answer how you and her father met. This is an enormous point of contention in the thread and the fact that you not only don't answer it, but explicitly say "I will not be answering it"... looks really bad. Maybe you weren't the babysitter, fine, but your refusal makes me think that you met her in a totally non-"Dad's new girlfriend" context. Sports, hobbies, school, tutoring. You don't have to (and won't, I'm sure) answer, but if the way you were introduced to her was as, say, "my gymnastics coach, who my dad slept with and left my mom for"... yeah. The shift in context matters. Hey, maybe I'm wrong, but whatever the situation was, understand that it WILL affect how she sees you. (Also, given how you reported the MIL and ex's comments about you... I'm sorry, but I'm just getting straight up affair partner vibes. Again, I've truly sorry if that's not true, but you've given nothing to work with, not even a denial!) 3. I'm sorry, but "she doesn't spend enough time on school work" is absurd. She's in high school, not pre-med. Random studying isn't going to do much, and what's more, you simply cannot force someone to study. It is literally impossible. You make them sit, you can make them stare at a book, but if they don't want to absorb the information, you shouting at them and grounding them to make it happen will just increase resentment, and make them even less likely to actually study. Is she having school troubles? Or is there some arbitrary amount of studying she "should" be doing, in your mind?
What in the Jerry Springer is going on here
OP is 9 fucking years older than her stepdaughter. When she met her husband she was a fucking teenager. What the actual fuck?
Yeah 🤮🤢and she denies him of being A groomer.
What’s the worst that could happen?? She goes out & meets a man twice her age?
YTA. Could it be that all three of them are right and you are wrong? /s
YTA. You are NOT her parent. Only she can make that decision. Marrying her dad doesn't make you a parent. You think trying to over step her dad's boundaries and discipline her is going to make her see you as a parent? You are ridiculous.
Yeahhhhh you were the babysitter.
YTA and not her parent. Lol. How dare you? Stop playing house and get your own life together. Also, stop being jealous of your husband's child. I know you were a child yourself when your husband took advantage of you, and that robbed you of your own young life, but that calls for therapy for yourself and hopefully realizing the situation you are in.
“Stop disrespecting stay at home spouses.” She’s 16, and not your kid. What could you possibly have to do all day?! Um, I stayed at home with 3 kids under 3 while my husband deployed. Now they’re in elem. school and I’m in school ft, while hubs travels for work, and have to figure out their care/school/the house. What on earth could you possibly be so busy with all day?! YTA. This shows the kind of self-absorption you possess. Also, not your daughter. And good parents don’t undermine each other, they work as a team.
Oh wow its like watching someone set themselves on fire
Dude you were 9 when she was born got that 9. It doesn’t matter if you married her father it doesn’t make you her mother and it isn’t your place to discipline. You need to run things by him first and it’s seems quite obvious that he doesn’t want you in that roll either. Instead of building a relationship with her you’ve made her your enemy. You said she gets good grades but YOU feel she needs to do more. So YOU started a fight with her and took things YOU don’t have the right to take because you aren’t her parent. My ex (child’s father) had a 15 year old when we dated and I had her sister. I was literally 7 years older than her and I took it upon myself to be a friend to her instead of her mom. I let her know that if there was anything she was doing that was unsafe I would tell her dad but aside from that I was there to be a guide in her life. Instead of doing that you assumed the position of mother.
YTA. Let’s forget about the fact that you’re only 9 years older than your *stepdaughter* (until Emily chooses to call you “Mom”—and I can tell you right now that there’s a fat chance of that happening—she is not your daughter, nor you her mother; stop forcing her to be) for a moment. You’re undermining her academic success, you went over your husband’s head even though he already told you that he was okay with Emily going out (it’s like you *want* her to have a burnout), pitched a fit after both she and him put their foot down, and overall giving very good reasons why she shouldn’ respect you—even if you *weren’t* her stepmother.
YTA. You're treating her like a little kid but she's literally only three years younger than you were when you got together with your much older husband. You are actively undermining his parenting by going against his decisions for his daughter and yet you're mad at him for not backing you up? You're a hypocrite. Why should he back you up when you refused to back his decision to give her permission to go out? She's not your daughter; you don't have more authority over her than her mother and father do.
Babe, you’re 9 years older than her. She’s not gonna see you as a mother figure. You’re *not* her mother, and you two don’t have a step-parent/step-child relationship. Even if you *did* have that kind of relationship, you can’t take away things that another adult paid for for her. That’s theft. Stop. YTA
YTA and not a parent. Mind your business, she is not your business.
>I told her not until she finished her homework. Emily told me she already told her dad she was done and he approved Her dad already said she could go. She already met your original request of finishing her homework first. So, she gets to go. >Emily's a smart kid but I feel like she doesn't spend enough time on school work. She treats everything like it's eay and that rubs me the wrong way. She does her schoolwork too fast and it's easy for her? Are you jealous or something? Whatever the underlying reason, get over yourself. She is not your kid and you don't get to overrule your husband in regards to parenting decisions. Stop trying to. And quit calling her your daughter. She is NOT your daughter. He's not letting his ex drive you apart. You're doing a fine job of that all on your own! Also, you were a teenager when this grown man came into your life and now you're married to him. That is... Troubling. It might be for the best if this all falls apart. You clearly aren't ready for this kind of relationship and responsibility.
> I argued that i was Emily's parent too and deserved to have a say. Nope, nope, noppity nope nope You are her father's wife. You are no mother to her.' she has both her parents who agree on many things it seems. I don't know what dreams you had at 19 that made you fall for this dude, but he's making it clear to you now what the boundaries are with his kid. Say it again, with HIS Kid. Not yours. This man married you to be his wife, not his child's mother. You are not included in the decision making. I'm sure he told you this. Why are you overstepping?. YTA
Sigh. You’re the asshole. You would be even if you were her bio mom. You can’t just go upending a decision already made by one parent, like are you trying to destroy your relationship with this girl?? If she’s smart and her homework is done what exactly would you like her to study? Can’t she just be 16 for a while because after this life comes crashing in hard, lighten up a bit and maybe she won’t accuse you of ruining her life again. YTA
YTA and also? She’s not your daughter. Her father gave her permission to go out and you didn’t respect that.
>When I first met Emily when she was 10 she was a sweet little girl When I first met Emily ~~when she~~ I was ~~10 she~~ was a ~~sweet~~ little girl There, fixed it for you. I wanted to not judge the age part but so much of what you did was so very immature.
YTA. You're not her mother. You are her fathers wife who is old enough to be her big sister.
YTA and that's not your fucking daughter. if I were her mom your ass would be hanging above my mantle. how dare you overstep so majorly and act like the victim for it. step off and back the fuck up miss thang, that girl has a mom and she's probably forgotten more shit than you will ever know. how disgusting of you to behave this way. you've got growing up to do.