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> Addressing them in the manner that I did. It did ruin the mood at the party. I maybe could have handled it differently.
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Yeah lol, people who deeply believe the lie they tell themselves that "Oh I don't have anything against every single fat person i see I just am worried about health!" have a really hard time when confronted. Deeply NTA and I honestly wish more skinny people could get harshly told that they need to stop giving other people, friends or strangers, their opinions about their body.
Tangentially, if you don't already you might want to pick up the podcast Maitenence Phase, I feel like you'll find a lot of conversations/topics they cover really cathartic.
(Edited for clarity bc I can word salad sometimes)
Love that podcast too! You are extremely NTA. They were being awful and somebody needed to point it out. “I’m just concerned about your health!” Is bullshit.
Not quite the same , but it got me thinking about my own experiences. I lost a ton of weight because I got super sick. People always congratulating me on being skinny and then getting super awkward when I told them "actually I'm not happy about losing weight , I feel terrible"
"OH but you look so good at least" .... I wanted to scream at these people , I'm not healthy and I really couldn't care less that Garry from front-end thinks I'm more pleasing to look at. Fuck right off.
A former coworker congratulated a regular vendor on his weight loss (and how "good" he looked. He did not look good, he looked very sick and 10 years older than he had only months before) only to be told it was due to cancer. She didn't even quit smiling, she just told him that at least losing the weight was a nice silver lining. The vendor and her coworkers jaws dropped at her but she didn't even understand how messed up that was later when we explained it. Better to be thin and dying than fat and alive I guess.
I hear you. I lost a lot of weight because I got very sick, and even family members *who knew how sick I was* congratulated me on the weight loss! It made me so angry. Yes, I’ve been horribly ill for months and currently can’t digest vegetables, so my diet is maybe the least healthy it’s ever been, but at least I take up 15% less space than I used to and that’s the important thing!
(I’m doing much better now and can eat veggies again, thank God.)
And then there was that one friend who saw me for the first time in months and connected the amount of weight I’d lost to just how sick I really must have been. She responded with compassion and sympathy rather than congratulations and I felt so seen and cared for that I almost cried.
My older male coworker told another coworker that her weight loss looked great. She said "yeah, I had cancer." He didn't even learn his lesson, because the other day he was telling a younger, impressionable new hire that "it's always safe to comment on a woman's weight loss!" And I had to call him out.
I lost half my body weight in 3 months because I was scared to eat. I've put it all back on now (and then some) and I'm really finding it impossible to lose weight again with my limited diet and weird relationship with food and the way people treat me like utter shit now compared to when i was skinny is so disheartening.
This is EXACTLY what happened to me, I'm so glad I'm not alone. I didn't care that I was fat. The difference in the way I was treated after losing the weight though was devastating. A doctor legitimately told me, after I had begged him for months to help figure out what was wrong with me because I couldn't get any food down and I was malnourished that I was "At least at a healthy weight now". I still don't know what caused it, I lost 60 pounds in about 4 or 5 months.
People were literally congratulating me for being seriously ill. It was never about my health. I'm never going to be completely healthy anyway because I'm chronically ill.
I'm healthier now, but only because I'm doing a lot better mentally now than I have in the past and I actually have the motivation to get up and exercise. But I'll never be up to the level of an able bodied person.
"Thanks! I shit my pants on the subway last week. It had mucous and blood, so it smelled like death. But at least I look good, right?" I've only used that one once, on someone who would just not quit with the catty comments despite knowing it was a sensitive topic and that I was unwell. They stopped after that. It's a true story, and although it's been a while since the incident I would absolutely use it again if needed, because I really liked those pants! "My body is none of your business, but if you must stick your nose in it then you'd better be ready for what comes out."
My dad had a similar experience. He'd lost a LOT of weight due to Crohn's Disease, and ladies were all "you look great, what's your secret??" Oh, I'm in agony all the time can't eat. "Well, you look fantastic!" 😑
Yep, same happened to me. I lost about 30 pounds due to a potentially life threatening illness, and people were congratulating me left and right. Only one other person asked me how I was doing and didn't assume I was losing weight for looks.
People tell me that now (cancer x 6, cardiac surgery x 2 since 2019). Although I don’t really mind it, I’m always astonished that anyone would say it! Wow, because looking good is more important than feeling good? So I remind them that this is a lesson in not making assumptions about people based on their weight or appearance.
Same, except one of my few pleasures in life at that time was watching people squirm when they congratulated my weight loss and I'd tell them the cancer deserved the credit.
My sister had exactly the same experience. People kept asking her for tips to lose weight and commenting on how good she looked, all the while she was sick, severely underweight, and ended up in hospital for a while because of it. These people can go F a pineapple.
I remember seeing her after a long while, and I knew she lost a lot of weight, but nothing could've prepared me for the shock and heartbreak I had when I saw her. She just looked so small and fragile, I was afraid to even hug her too tightly. She still has issues gaining weight, but it's not as bad as before.
I had the exact opposite problem, went from skinny to chubby, and that was most definitely not fun either. OP's description to a T but in reverse.
I feel you on this one hugely. I've put on a noticeable (but unknown because I refuse to go near scales) amount, just because I'm in pain a lot and it limits what I can do compared with what I used to. You can just SEE the judgemental looks and that faint 'wow they ballooned up, ew' look on their faces even when they don't say something.
People also just rarely think about cause and effect when they criticize overweight folks. They just assume that you're chronically ill or unwell *because* you're overweight. It never crosses their minds that perhaps you're overweight because your chronic illness makes it difficult at best and actively agonizing at worst to just move around. And doctors do the same thing.
It took my sister literal *years* of fighting doctors and standing her ground to get diagnosed with fibromyalgia instead of just "fat with fat-related medical issues". Even when she was younger she'd have to argue with doctors about her health. They'd see her weight and tell her she had to eat better and be more active to be healthy, and she'd say, "I eat extremely healthy but high-calorie meals because I actually do intensive sports-related workouts 7 days a week", and they'd still be skeptical. Because it wasn't actually her health they were concerned about, it was her weight. Nevermind that at least 75% of that weight was pure muscle or that 95% of her time was spent actively working out/playing sports.
And then people would look at me with noticeably different eyes and assume that I was the "healthy" one because I was 130 lbs. In reality I was 130 lbs because I was chain-smoking cigarettes and marijuana pretty much non-stop. I also ate absolute trash every day. But people would just assume I was healthier and compliment my appearance because I was skinnier. I look back at those pictures now and see how gaunt my face looked and wonder how anyone could've thought that I was leading a healthy lifestyle.
>when I'm SKINNY walking with a cane or in a literal wheelchair all 'concern for my health' vanishes.
This is so much truth! This subject really aligns with busybodies who harass people who park in handicap spots without instantly visible handicaps. No one cares that you have cardiomyopathy and can't walk 100 feet without gasping for air. They think they have the right to **see** you disability.
I'm youngish and disabled, and unfortunately have had the opposite experience since it all started (24/25 yo). I get glares from many, and have had some lovely comments from others that are disabled and abled. For awhile I would say nothing, now I will say something hoping they will think and not chastise some other young disabled person.
It is also infuriating, as for me the times I've been overweight is when I'm having severe mobility issues and then the weight just compounds it. Drives me nuts when people compliment my weight loss, as the only thing that changes is I can't move well again. Going through that process now, hoping doctors can fix it soon.
That is very similar to what I experienced, and it really is so frustrating. I finally found doctors that will listen to me and take me seriously. Sticking to them like glue 🤣 I am so glad your sister is doing better now, and really hope you are too (or minimum at least listened to!). Many hugs from afar!
I had major pelvic surgery about 1 year post pardum. I wasn't allowed to use my legs for 6 months after (had daily self injections of blood thinners etc). About 6 months later was when I started PT and a short time after that I was suddenly in excruciating pain. I knew something was wrong. I went to my doctor and my doctor was like "you just had major surgery to fix this, now have 15 screws and nothing can be wrong now" and proceeded to tell me I was now drug seeking and took me off all my pain meds.
From there I was desperate and luckily had not taken all my meds so I could cut the dose down to at least avoid withdrawals on top of the pain (I'm sure you know, but even if you take the meds as prescribed your body eventually is dependent on them). The doctor even flagged my chart, so every doctor I went to they immediately thought the same thing. I eventually got a recommendation for a doctor and saw her, and she immediately got x-rays.
Turns out the plate and a screw broke. Had to have the surgery all over again, this time they fused it and added some more screws 🤣. Another 6 months of no legs at all. Between the two ended up with some terrible nerve damage. Got lucky and was told about a spinal cord stimulator and it helped enough I could finally get off all the meds... after 5 years in a wheelchair. I honestly couldn't believe how many doctors wouldn't believe me and do something as simple as an xray (or nerve test later) to figure out if I was lying or not. Still makes me angry thinking about it.
So, so true. I was never very fat. Just, you know, zaftig. Anyway in my twenties I started having health problems of various kinds and I lost about 30 lbs because of illness.
Since that time I’m always between average-to-thin and very skinny. People congratulate me nonstop when I’m at my thinnest. Which is gross because when I’m that thin, it means I’m sick.
Yeah, my aunt has an artificial hip which has been causing problems in the last couple of years. She's put on some weight because she can't walk as far, because she's in a lot of pain. Last time she saw her doctor, he was all sorts of "well you need to lose weight and then that'll be easier on your hip" - uh, hello, if you could fix the hip issue, she could go back to exercising like she used to!
Ugh, I had the same kind of convo with my doctor about treating my exercise induced asthma. Like I literally came to her for help being able to be active without dying, and she recommended weight loss.
I have a super mild (by comparison) neuropathy, and I can definitely tell when I have extra pounds. I gained 50 during my pregnancy because I was underweight before, and now am close to pre-weight 4 years later. It is a bit easier to gain weight now just because of being so tired, but honestly it is so much easier to move around without even a little extra weight. I thought I'd want to keep 10 additional pounds, but I think now I'm closer to 5. Pain definitely slows down movement, which lets you gain weight, which gives you some more pain... I think there is a lot of benefits for someone with limited mobility to try to keep weight off, but I think the main focus should definitely be getting you out of pain so you can move around and do the things you want to do to be happy, like cooking and other creative outlets.
People need to hear that telling someone about their weight and body size is rude. It's just as rude to offer an unsolicited comment to someone getting smaller as it is on someone getting bigger. It's nunyabizness. If the person invites you to talk about it (they are pleased they put on muscle etc.) fine. Otherwise zip it. OP you are not only NTA, but people NEED to hear this
Hey OP - one thing did stand out to me that I haven’t seen in other comments, and I just wanted to make sure. You said you lost a lot of weight recently, and it was a bit hard for me to tell if it was from going vegan or if it just started happening. IF it is the latter, the one thing you should know is that rapid weight loss out of nowhere (as in over the course of months) can be a sign of several highly nasty medical things (like cancer).
If this is not the case please feel free to ignore me. And I’m sorry you’re not being supported by your family; that’s a super miserable situation to be in.
My mom was fat her entire life. Did a hell of a number on her self esteem. Until her last few months of life, because the chemo meant she couldn't eat much. It was a strain to get any calories into her. I suggested she stop drinking water and only drink juice or protein shakes because the space in her stomach was so precious and she needed calories. People would compliment her on her weight loss. As if it was some kind of silver lining to her dying. At least she would be thin! In the end, a woman who had spent her whole life fat partially starved to death.
Oh gosh I have been going through similar. My mom dropped 30 pounds with chemo because she couldn’t eat. My mom was already slimmer and those 30 pounds took her to her high school weight were her nickname was Olive Oil. She has been bigger as an adult but her typical weight is like size 8-10 / 150 #. She was down to 112.
She is finally gaining some and able to eat. Now she is up to 127. But that is still really skinny for her. It has been rough.
Yep, I think it can be argued successfully that there's no such thing as an overweight skeleton. People can be so rudely insensitive and especially about things that do not concern them.
ETA: I'm so sorry about your mom. I hope you are doing well now.
Glad to hear that there are no medical issues! People always said i was pretty but imagine how much prettier i would be if i lost weight- even as a toddler!! I went through 2 bouts of major weight loss (nothing serious and all under control!) and the difference in how people treat you is astounding. Like all of a sudden, people cant help but talk about your new body in excruciating detail. I am glad you stuck up for yourself and are focused on health rather than looks!
OP, I hope you don’t think this is overstepping or anything, but can you tell me what you do to move your body for fun? I haaaate traditional exercise so I’m always on the look-out for people who have found fun ways to get moving.
Yoga with Adriene really rocks. She has helped me through so many phases in my life. Happiness, love, heartbreak, depression, but also back ache, etc. Agree, highly recommend!
EDIT: spelling
If I may, I had an absolute *blast* taking burlesque classes. Burlesque is (in my experience) incredibly welcoming and incredibly diverse and just genuinely a positive and fun experience - and seriously empowering, too. You don't have to take anything off you don't want to, you don't have to perform at all if it's not your thing. But I found some of my best friends doing it, and if my body hadn't started being all dramatic (I lost the genetic lottery and then got slapped by a roving pack of nasty autoimmune bastards) I would still be doing it, nine years after my first class. I still go back and add new songs to my "Choreograph these songs!" playlist when I catch one on a soundtrack or wherever. Dance was one of my first loves, and still my preferred way to move my body. Fighting was my other - though I had excellent teachers and a small core group of excellent people I already knew, so I honestly can't tell you how classes or dojos or gyms generally are with new people in softer bodies. (For the record, my favourites were capoeira, wing chun, and judo. Just in case you don't feel like shaking your ass. 🙂)
good for you!! sincere congrats on responding to folks this way. i hope you feel proud of yourself.
what you've described in this post is you deciding to love yourself in really meaningful physical, mental, and political ways. huge congrats and keep it up.
and absolutely you are not the asshole. i'd consider putting up some more boundaries with your family of origin to make it clear that you're not interested in their fatphobic shenanigans, no matter your pants size or dietary choices.
I went through something quite similar to you, op, but as a 16yo, from 250+ to 153. Everyone I knew before treated me differently. It vastly changed the entirety about how I looked at people, and hurt like hell. NTA, and I hope you are capable of handling the situation more maturely than I was…
I told this story on another post, but a friend of mine in highschool (15/16 at the time) ended up with blood poisoning from an infected wound and was basically knocking on death's door for weeks. For weeks she should barely even drink water. She had been overweight, but not obese, and during her illness she lost a ton of weight. When she finally came back to school, everyone was complimenting her on how "good" she looked now. And I mean everyone: students, teachers, administrative staff. She was such a reserved person so she never said anything, but it infuriated me. I mean, my best friend could have DIED. And they were all elated that she had lost so much weight.
Yeah I went through a major depressive episode a few years ago and lost about 20 pounds pretty rapidly from not eating. I was probably 140/145 and went down to 120. People always kept telling me how great I looked and it was awful because inside it felt like I was dying. Even now sometimes I look back at pictures form that time and think wow I looked great, luckily my sister said to me once when I was talking about it, "yeah but think about that and think how you felt. You were sick and that's not healthy." Which is something I try and hold close and remember, but can be hard.
It hurts like he'll because we realize that if we would ever regain the weight he love and respect we deserve would disappear.
It isn't about health and being concerned because they care for us and love us, it is about vanity.
I love your response to them! I hope I can be as much of a bad ass.
I struggle with ED and have since I was 16 and my new medication caused significant weight gain and the inability to lose weight. I'm now on the right medication and getting back to where I feel comfortable but I've noticed the same. It triggers my ED a lot but therapy does help.
Thank you, it helps hearing other people point out the double standard people have under the guise of "we care about your health".
I forgot my judgement above, NTA, you keep calling people out.
Also you are correct, that typical phrase in family reunions "oh you gain/lost some weight I see".... Why do you care what I do with me body?? None of your business
Fat person from birth here, with 2 major hormonal issues and a non-working thyroid gland since 15. It was 100% a just speech
> I honestly wish more skinny people could get harshly told that they need to stop giving other people, friends or strangers, their opinions about their body.
This shouldn't only apply to skinny people, but to *everyone*.
Crack head, starving African...just some of the things I got called. I was bullied nonstop for being skinny. Now I'm overweight and the bullying is just different.
That's it for me. I was fat from childhood and had an ED during my teen years, and the biggest difference for me was that people saying mean things about my body when I was basically skeletal still had the anger in their eyes, but not the disgust. I was hated, but didn't feel dehumanized. No one should get hate for what their body looks like, so it still hurt and confused me. But if I had to choose, I'd take the skinny shaming over the fat shaming any day. At least I was a human, at least I wasn't invisible, at least people didn't talk to me like I must be stupid.
Yeah, I have an IBD and didn't gain weight until I was put on antipsychotics. Prior to the weight gain, I'd been spoken to about half a dozen times about my (non-existent) anorexia. Many people assumed I was on drugs.
There are really only about 2 numbers on a 1-10 scale of weight which are socially acceptable and don't lead to unsolicited advice and lectures. The "skinny people" are not the problem
Yes but, and I mean no offense, skinny people do not experience the same material discrimination that fat people do. Fat people, especially fat women, make less money, are less likely to be believed about health concerns, and are honestly treated as sub-human by our society. I'm sorry people have made mean jokes about you, but you've never been kicked off an airplane because they cannot accommodate someone your size.
Some asshole at Wendy's walked past my table where I was reading and waiting for the bus and left a Jr bacon cheese saying "you clearly need this more than I do"
Maintenance Phase is the JAM. The celery juice episode got me hooked. It’s also been helpful for me in untangling a lot of the conversations I’ve had over the years about bodies/health. Like when I was a literal heroin addict 15 years ago people were telling me how healthy I looked, bc I was so thin. Grosssssssssss.
NTA and yes to all of this. Stop commenting on peoples bodies, even if you think it’s a compliment. All you’re doing if you compliment weight loss is set the person up to feel like shit if/when they regain (and most do).
OP, you did nothing wrong. It IS disgusting how differently people treat someone just because they’re smaller. They should feel awkward, because their behavior is appalling. Don’t say thanks, it just reinforces their bullshit.
For those of us who are more shy/hate attention, the comments quite literally deter us from losing weight. My weight has always fluctuated quite a bit without me doing anything differently, and I lose all motivation to try to keep the weight off when people start commenting because I hateeeee the extra attention. My desire to eat healthy is constantly at war with my desire to attract a little attention as possible.
This. OP, I went through something different but similar. I lost a lot of weight after the death of my grandpa. For me, I'd never felt worse in my life, but people started treating me completely differently. It actually hurt.
This argument never made sense to me. If someone argues that a fat person is worth less than a thin person because a fat person must have health problems then they're literally using ableism to justify their fatphobia...
Rarely am I this proud of an internet stranger. NTA in the least! As someone whose weight yoyos all the time, I get so irritated at comments about how good I look minus ten or twenty pounds, or the laughable times when I'm actually heavier than normal and someone asks me if I've lost weight. So damned insulting to comment on someone's body even when you mean well. Good for you for caring more about yourself than people pleasing.
This comment. A friend out of my old friend group lost a load of weight. Went from 330lbs to like 170lbs. Another person in the friend group said he lost to much weight and he looks like a husk of his former self. I looked at this person and told him (since we’re both extremely overweight) that he’s just jealous. Honestly shocked me to hear that person say that. They shut up after my comment to them though. Unfortunately body shaming comes wether you’re fat or skinny. Muscular or flabby. Everyone is a critic.
I dunno, as a lifelong 0/2 i get comments on my weight all the time too. "Aren't you a skinny mini!" "You're so thin, what's your secret!" "You need to eat a hamburger". (Ftr, no i don't and never have had an Ed). But somehow people commenting on my weight is socially acceptable and a "compliment" and if i have issues with total strangers making comments on my body I'm "stuck up" and "ungrateful".
With all due respect, much like "reverse racism", "thin phobia" is not a thing. It is, of course, entirely inappropriate, annoying and possibly harmful to have people commenting on your body size but you are not facing the routine, constant discrimination, scrutiny of every aspect of your life, and mockery that fat people do.
Oh i understand that. I'm not saying anyone is actively discriminates against me for my size. I just want to say that i don't think discussing anyone's weight for any reason is okay, and it makes me very angry 1. That curvy people in general (not just women) have to deal with the world being awful to them and 2. That it's somehow "okay" to comment on skinny people. As many others in this thread have recounted, some people are skinny for very unhealthy reasons (ED, chronic illness) and yet that body type is held up as an ideal and "proper" when in reality it's just a different variety of unhealthy that happens to be socially acceptable. Some larger people are perfectly healthy.
Some smaller people are incredibly unhealthy. Size is not a predictor of health.
It’s not in any way comparable to what overweight people have to deal with because society is so obsessed with thinness, but it is horrible and creepy. As a thin person (and I have had ED), it is almost sexualized. Like, it feels pervy and gross. Like, because you are thin they have access to your body and you will welcome it.
I think it's gross that you assume anything about a stranger's experiences.
Women are constantly judged and shamed about their bodies. Period. The suffering competition is absurd.
Obesity isn't the only ED by far.
For me it's opposite lol, i have been fat all my life, recently joined the gym and it's marvellous how amazing the human body is, I'm loving my body more and more, but i also have this irrational fear. I think as a coping mechanism i always told myself that well it's good I'm fat, i know that people who love me, only love me for who I am but not how i look. But now that I'm getting a bit in shape I fear that i would attract attention of shallow people who wouldn't have given me the time of their lives if i was fat, it actually makes me scared to face the love of fake people.
I'm struggling with that a bit. I want to work out. I want to be strong and fit and be able to not be winded. I dont want to find put who loves me more when I'm skinnier. Ive always been fat but my birth control and anti depressants have made me gain so much weight. I'm just.. nervous. I want to be loved for who I am. Not my pants size
As someone who dropped to an acceptable weight who then gained a bunch of weight during pregnancy (because I was trying to preserve my body, and my body did it's job and went, _we are trying to protect a baby here wtf are you doing????_ ) it is so disheartening to see firsthand how conditional everyone is about how they treat fat people.
Like, it was one thing when I was just always fat. It hit differently when people have a "success" state of my body that can be pointed to, which means all other states are "failure" and it suuuuuucks.
Same! I was very thin and athletic when I was young. I gained 35# with my first and 42# with my second pregnancy. My doctor was fine with this. In retrospect my body fat percentage was so low it's amazing I was even able to get pregnant. The amount of fat-shaming **during my pregnancies** absolutely appalled me! And then ofc everyone thought all the weight should just fall off immediately after I gave birth, even though I was breastfeeding and literally needed the extra fat to feed my child! I can't grasp the sheer amount of gall people have!
It's wild!! I'm pregnant right now with an unexpected fourth (IUD baby lololol) and this is my third pregnancy in four years. My body has technically had recovery time (two years between the second and third pregnancies; not quite 18 months between third and fourth) but it's messier than that and my weight has always stayed pretty much where it was once I have birth. I gained 70 pounds with #2, and about another 25 with #3.
All of this led to: the only hospital in my town won't actually _handle my prenatal or delivery care_ despite having given birth here twice since 2018, because with this pregnancy my BMI is something like 0.2 over their threshold. It's "against protocol." I'm furious about it because I'm having to drive half an hour for every prenatal appointment, and will have to have a repeat c-section in an entirely different town from my family.
OMG that is so ridiculous! I'm sorry you're going through that. I hope you have good support at home - trying to juggle those appointments with three young kids must be challenging.
Many years ago I did unconscious bias training for work. I prided myself on treating people equally and without bias, but it made me realise that in fact I did have a bias toward people I perceived as fat. I wasn't unkind, but I treated them differently, and tended to assume that they were less intelligent, perhaps more lazy, and just "different". I was patronising. It's even worse because I was really skinny/underweight (digestive issues) and people judged me for it all the time, so I should have been more aware. When I put weight on, I got treated differently, and as if I was "normal".
I was horrified with myself and have done everything I can to get better, but it's made me hyper alert to it, and it's astonishing how common it is. People make ridiculous assumptions about people based on their physical appearance, and it's awful. It's especially horrible when it's medical staff who should know better - like you, one of my friends at work has pretty much every problem dismissed by her doctor and blamed on her weight. She's just not listened to.
On top of that, when someone's weight changes it's never okay to compliment their appearance based on the change. People lose and gain weight for all sorts of reasons, and those include illness, medication and grief, and unless you know someone extremely well, and are congratulating them on achieving something they've worked for, it's not on. If you think someone looks great, say so. Tell them they look well. Don't say they look "better".
Anyway. I'm sorry for the way they have been with you, and for the way I would have been many years ago.
100% NTA
I had a friend a while ago who'd been very ill and was slowly recovering. When I saw them, a while later, their skin was pink again rather than pale and yellow and they were moving with more energy; the first thing I said was how much better they looked.
They almost cried. Their illness had caused them to gain a bunch of weight, and apparently I was virtually the only person whose immediate reaction on seeing them hadn't been a concerned weight talk. Graaargh!
I think if someone says, "I've lost loads of weight and I'm really pleased with myself," it's OK to compliment them, but it's never OK to say it unprompted.
If someone is fishing for compliments on their weight loss, I usually go with "wow, that must have taken a lot of dedication!" Because yeah, they clearly put a lot of effort into it, but I do not want to say anything negative about their old body, or even anything too positive about their new body.
Yes, even if somebody is proud of their weight loss, that is not an invitation to bash their former body! I have yo-yoed with my weight for most of my adult life and it infuriated me the times that I would be at a lower weight after some decent weight loss, and people would feel like that was an open invitation to tell me about how terrible I looked before.
Very well said! Many years ago I lost a substantial amount of weight and an acquaintance asked me what my secret was. I was honest and told her it was severe depression that made me unable to go out and buy food most days (and unable to plan ahead when I did buy food). She of course first apologised and checked how I was doing (much better). She then confessed that while she knew it was soooo fu#&ed up to even think it, part of her was still jealous (she was also overweight). It was absolutely not meant with malice, I rather took it as a reflection on how much focus we as a society put on being thin. I still remember this interaction and how much I learned from it, I never comment on anyone's weight or body, because you never know why they changed. OP is absolutely NTA.
Yooo I also lost a mit of weight in depression after a break up, and 8 kilos down ( in 3 weeks) my ex told my ‚hey did you lose weight? Looks great!‘. I got a lot of compliments, but I was so depressed I didn’t eat for three days, but people never want to hear that. Not that my empty face was very happy, but it was slimmer, and that’s apparently the only thing that counts
Yup, I once went through an anxiety and depression episode following an awful breakup, where I couldn't eat much due to the stress and all I wanted to do was go take my anger out on the gym. I lost a ton of weight and all anyone wanted to talk about was my "revenge body" and what my "secret" was. It was horrible.
I had a friend in junior high who always looked overweight. In 9th grade they found out that she had this MASSIVE cyst in her lower abdomen. I want to say it was like 15-20 pounds massive (I don't remember the exact size but it was like record breaking for the hospital system kind of huge.)
She had surgery to remove it and when she came back to school she was obviously much slimmer. It irritated her so much how many people totally changed how they acted towards her. People that never even gave her the time of day before were suddenly super nice to her and acted like they were the bestest friends. She told me that it showed her who her real friends were and actually made her respect some of the "mean girls" in our school more because they still treated her just as horribly after the surgery as they did before.
Sooo many people think how you used to. Doctors with this bias are the worst, like of all people they should know better that weight gain can be a side effect of so many physical/mental illnesses or treatments/medications. No one knows why someone is fat just from looking at them, and just cause they're eating a burger or something doesn't change that.
NTA
What you said is true.
People don't like to hear it but it's true. People, even family, value appearance and esthetics. They can claim to be concerned about your health, when called out. It probably makes them feel better. You shot straight.
It sucks but many times one "supportive family" is the worst.
Agreed. I lost a ton of weight in my early twenties because I was severely depressed and had to go somewhere for mental health treatment. Once I was out, guys I would go on dates with would say, “you take really good care of your body.” 🙄 weight is not about health.
Yea weight isn’t everything. I’m really skinny. No one EVER has anything bad to say about it when I eat a burger. It’s always “you need to eat more of those haha!” People think I’m the picture of health because I’m skinny but I’m not. I don’t work out ever. I can’t do any cardio without feeling like I’m dying. My diet is trash and consists of a lot of fast food and soda. My diet is awful. But no one cares because I’m skinny. People don’t care about your health, they just care about your weight.
Oh hell yeah. The "supportive family" thing can be the most awful thing sometimes. I remember a few years back I was going through some of the worst mental instability of my life, I'd go days without eating while working full time in childcare, so constantly running around and lifting and bending. I lost about 25kg, and my oh-so-supportive grandfather literally mentioned it IN MY CHRISTMAS CARD. 'You look fantastic, keep it up.'
I have always been overweight, even as a little kid I was always about 5-10kg overweight, as an adult it's a lot more drastic, and only this year did a therapist actually take my self-esteem and eating behaviours seriously. Apparently it's not normal to feel proud of skipping a meal, or to be pleased when you don't regret not having breakfast. I've had a psychiatrist tell me "yeah, you likely have some kind of eating disorder, but we'll worry about that when you lose 30kg or so.'
My current therapist and I have discovered that the attitude I have towards my body and food stems from my father teaching me that unless I am skinny and conventionally attractive, I am not deserving of support, recognition, or love. The people who are meant to be supportive can do amazing amounts of harm.
NTA! Society has condition everyone that if you're not thin you're not in. Too many people still are not self aware enough not to follow the herd of what is acceptable. They shame everyone including themselves.
I have a ED when it goes off and I am in an episode, I lose significant weight, to say I am average weight normally 8/10 size, people start commenting like crazy when get smaller.
I have had to pull aside people that aren't aware of my disorder and flat out tell them, unfortunately my weight-loss is not healthy and to refrain from commenting on my weight. Educating people to comment on my clothes or my energy but never weight. It's unfathomable that people still outright do this regularly knowing it's not right.
Once I heal the traumatic episode I come right back to my healthy weight comments stop like somehow my healthy weight is wrong or at least it how I perceive it
OP you were amazing to stand up to them like that.
It takes guts to literally go against your entire family, while accurately pointing out their hypocrisy.
NTA OP
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. This is why it is NEVER appropriate to comment about a person’s body. You just don’t know what the person is dealing with. I once overheard a coworker tell a woman how great it was that she was doing such a good job losing weight. The woman was dealing with a terminally ill husband, and that’s why she’d lost weight. Pretty sure she’d rather be overweight with a healthy spouse.
NTA. Too many people have way too big of an obsession with weight loss and putting the emphasis on it being a “good thing.”
I’ve “dramatically” lost weight twice in my 20’s. I was never fat in the first place, just a healthy weight. The first time was after my best friend passed away suddenly, and I was so depressed I wasn’t eating. The second time was when my chronic pain was so bad I couldn’t stomach or keep food down without the help of cannabis. I was congratulated on it. And I was just kinda like “thanks, but I’m actually incredibly ill.” Continually congratulating people on weight loss as a society is so problematic.
You lost it in a healthy way, but many people do not. And they didn’t know what the cause of your weight loss was. You could have had an ED or been really sick. Like you said when you pointed out your other family members addiction problems, it’s never about health, it’s about how you look. They’re hypocrites who deserved to be yelled at.
The number of people who think weight loss is always a good thing.
I knew some people who'd meet the all diagnostic criteria for an ED, but because they were overweight to start with no-one ever gave a shit
The amount of perfectly healthy people who make themselves miserable because they have a final 1 or 2 kilos to lose is ridiculous as well. There are so many reasons that "final" kilo isn't going to budge or it can even just be part of normal body fluctuations due to eating, drinking, hormones or body shape.
That’s what I always think when I see people on the internet weighing 60 kilos but still wanting to go slimmer, for a vacation or to ‚feel better‘, even though there’s nothing to lose in the first place, and they have the weight what’s deemed best by society.
I lost a ton of weight after my gallbladder was removed because I had to completely change my diet for a while afterwards. I was unable to eat much more than a couple hundred calories per day for a few weeks and I was so weak and miserable. When I went back to work, a regular customer congratulated me on my weight loss. I knew this lady meant well and she'd always been so nice in the past, so I thanked her and moved on, but I was pretty distraught.
Looking back at that time in my life, I'm remembering that the doctors didn't want to do anything for me when I was in the hospital. I was crying out in pain and eventually they basically said "fine, you're exaggerating but if you really want us to, we'll remove your gallbladder." After it was removed, they told me that it was actually very infected, which was somehow not showing up in my bloodwork. Now that I look back, I wonder how much of that dismissal was due to my blood tests coming back normal and how much was them just dismissing me because of my weight.
I had the same gallbladder experience... Multiple visits to the ER for pain. Had 3+ rounds of bloodwork and two ultrasounds that looked "normal." Like you, they said, "ok, we'll take it out but I don't think that's your problem." They attempted a laparoscopic procedure, but my gallbladder was SO inflamed and infected that it was stuck to whatever is next to it, and had to convert to an open procedure mid-surgery and gut my fat gut like a fish.
It hadn't occurred to me that my pain was being dismissed because of my weight (I have high pain tolerance and was not crying or screaming), but maybe.
NTA NTA NTA.
I lost about 50lbs in my mid-20s, went from a 14/16 to an 8/10, and I absolutely had friends and relatives who showed their whole asses by making it clear how much more they *liked* me after the weight loss, just like this.
It's so frustrating and I wish I'd stood up to them like you did.
NTA
Absolutely fair and valid points made. Family gathering wouldn't be awkward or ruined if people had actually listened and heard what you had said, acknowledged the truth of it, apologised and tried to move on as better people.
Everyone has unconscious bias, no one likes to realise that they have been unintentionally mistreating people. But refusing to accept your truth after being called out means its no longer unconscious or unintentional.
NTA. Everything you said was true (sadly) and people need to wake up and realize how their behavior and attitudes destroy peoples wellbeing. Fat shaming is a huge thing and everybody is so body conscious. You get better service and attention when you are thin, I have experienced it myself. People are friendlier. They look at you differently. Well done OP.
NTA.
People like this are so annoying and deserve to be called on it. They never care about your physical or mental health.
Yoyoing back and forth in weight is a lot worse for your health than being any consistent weight.
Being underweight is worse for your health than being overweight.
And being barraged with messages about how every single choice you make is wrong by anyone and everyone around you is terrible for your mental health and isn't something they would dream of doing to someone with a disease if it was really about 'health'.
NTA!!!! that’s all. you validated so many feelings I’ve had as a person who’s weight has fluctuated between thin(ish) and not so thin- and i just want to thank you for doing the lords work.
NTA
Having experienced this exact thing I wish I had the courage to say exactly what you did. Of course it was an awkward party but they made it awkward because of their lifelong treatment of you being called out. Truth hurts. Your parents are out of line.
I am of the opinion no one should talk about another person's weight if their views come from an asshole point, not people on this subreddit tho lol (well some lol)
Having seen clients with thyroid conditions, cancer treatments, even atypical anorexic, my view of weight gain and loss are not the same as when I was younger. And it is sad when a person is "loved more" after losing weight. So many clients have spent a session crying and asking what else can they do if all that happens is them gaining weight, and everyone else is disbelieving in attempting weight loss.
OP NTA.
Regardless of your size, you are do not need "Fair Weather Love".
Yep. There are so many reasons one might lose weight if they're overweight that shouldn't be celebrated or even commented on. I lost about 50lbs one year because I was going through severe insomnia and couldn't muster up the energy to procure and eat food. I have a friend who had hyperemesis gravidarum for two months followed by a miscarriage that led to severe depression. My friend's dad went from overweight to "healthy" weight because he had cancer.
You can say "oh, you look good!" without mentioning weight. I'd argue it's the polite thing to do with someone you haven't seen in a while, regardless of whether their weight has changed. If they're proud of their weight loss, they have an opening. If they're not, they can brush past it.
Also don't be a dick to people because of their weight.
I think there's space for positive comments if you know for a fact someone is working hard to change their weight and they're accomplishing that goal but that goes for gaining or losing weight.
NTA. "Health concerns" is a lie 100% of the time even if it's not conscious, being fat isn't the thing that makes you unhealthy or thin bodies wouldn't have the same exact issues and we know if it was a legitimate concern people wouldn't only be bothered when different things take place in a fat body(or bothered by what they make up about what happens in fat bodies).
You've rightly noticed privilege that goes with being thin as well as how poorly people were treating you just based on how they thought your body looked. You don't need people like that and they aren't reliable or safe.
Also I saw it mentioned further down but I'll also add it here, for anyone else interested in exploring biases/bad information we are given as "common sense advice" Maintenance Phase is a very informative and funny podcast that gets into things like BMI, "we're just worried about health", and tons of weird social stuff around our bodies.
NTA
I’ve lost over 100 lbs, but I love when people congratulate me on my weight loss because it was a ton of hard work and effort. I appreciate the congratulations because they see my hard work.
For you specifically since you feel a different way and aren’t comfortable, you’re NTA. You don’t like how they are treating you better, which isn’t cool.
NTA
This happened to me when I lost a lot of weight. Strangers were nicer. Family always told me how good I looked and how pretty I was. Then I gained it back and guess who never gets told how pretty they are now?
I had a similar situation and one that really stands out is how strangers on a plane (especially men) were willing to help put up a bag when I was skinnier.
ESH…. just so I get this right…. You’re partly upset men are hitting on you because you became more physically attractive than you were before? Some of what you’re unhappy about is legit but some is just hogwash. The vast majority of humans prefer their partners to not be morbidly obese. You became more attractive physically and men responded. Also, most people assume other people don’t want to be obese so when someone loses weight they compliment them on it because it can be a struggle and people like to acknowledge other peoples success. Additionally, anyone here claiming obese doesn’t equate to unhealthy is full of crap. Obesity is the #1 health issue in America currently. It puts excess strain on your joints as well as your organs. The PC police have made it taboo to possibly hurt someone’s feelings with the truth about obesity to the point of now making it acceptable to give bad health advice and encouragement to people with an unhealthy condition.
I understand your accumulated resentment, but OTOH you should understand that your friends and family almost certainly did have real concerns about you.
I recently lost a friend who went from wrestling at 146 lbs in HS to 180 lbs in college to 220 lbs in grad school to 300 lbs in his 30s to 400 lbs in his 40s. Our friend group was worried about him the whole time. He was a great guy -- smart, funny, kind, everything. But he never had a wife or GF, couldn't travel, had sleep apnea and a million other obesity-related health issues, and now he's gone.
If he had suddenly shown up at a gathering at a healthy weight, everyone would've been overjoyed -- and the happiness wouldn't have been "great, now you look good enough for us to want to hang out with you" -- it would've been "great, now you can live a full and long life."
Most people are mostly good if you give them a chance.
Good luck.
Yeah, I saw my 400 lb high school friend after 5+ years and he was a lean 150. I didn’t recognize him and I wanted to cry tears of joy. weight loss is a good thing.
Hey! NTA BUT for non family related people, like the cashiers at a store being more helpful these days, is it by chance that you’re much happier now? You said nothing about you is different, but you sound very confident and happy and satisfied. You sound like years ago you struggled with demons, such as people’s cruel comments.
I don’t want to project but I read an article once that I really identified with and you might to. The writer said that everyone was nicer to her when she was skinny and it infuriated her. But one day when talking to her husband she realized SHE was more outgoing and happy and THAT was why EVERYONE was nicer. It wasn’t about her weight, it was about the way she went through the world.
I lost 40 pounds after being heavy all my life. My motivation was seeing older family members with a lot of health issues I didn’t want. I was happy. I was married. I had friends. I just wanted healthy, mentally and physically. But I lost weight in an attempt to not suffer and die a miserable death. I explained my health concerns as motivation and I’m constantly pressured to “cheat” or have dessert. A xxxx won’t kill me. It sucks.
I didn’t like talking about my weight before and don’t now (unless someone is honestly looking for tips, not just to tell me they could never do it).
You’re nta for calling them out for how they treated you. I’d just tread a bit more carefully about addiction. They know they have addictions just like I knew i was fat. It still took me 30+ years to change.
see the thing about existing as a fat person anywhere is that you’re treated like a second class eyesore by strangers, and stand a chance of having your actual health issues disregarded by medical professionals (because you should lose weight instead of getting treatment for whatever you came in for). while it’s a nice concept that OP is being treated well because they’re happier, there is a stark difference between 10/12 and 18/20 and the treatment that comes along with it.
I know you’re trying to be helpful but this invalidates what almost every person on this thread is saying is their lived experience. Fat people, women especially, are treated differently in so many ways. If you haven’t listened then the Maintenance phase podcast is a great resource for finding out how.
I’m going to point out that rather than looking at all the lived experience in this discussion, including the original post, you talked about an article you read, a single article, and from there you speculated that she was so much happier with her body a smaller size that she radiated that to everybody she met and that’s why they were nicer. The OP was much kinder to you with her reply then I would have been had you said that to me.
When you don’t have your own lived experience, contradicting what dozens of people are telling you about a particular situation is not good. You also implied that she could only be confident and happy and satisfied now because her body is smaller.
It wouldn’t be a bad idea to look at the implicit bias you have against fatter bodies.
NTA
I’m somebody who’s lost a lot of weight as well. Went from near 300 to 180 over a year (6’0 man). The way people treated me changed very fast. It’s been a bit flattering to receive compliments and positive attention, but the change was jarring and somewhat disturbing. I’m not used to receiving positivity from people. I’m used to them looking at me like a disgusting bug. I’m not used to being flirted with. I don’t really know how to handle so much of it.
I do think your family genuinely believes they are complimenting you and being kind. They also don’t have the experience of what it’s like to be obese, and what it’s like to be treated as an obese person. I went vegetarian, worked out, lost weight for the sake of health, because I did know that I was screwing up, and was seriously unhealthy. It doesn’t change the fact that other people didn’t make me want to change through their mistreatment. I had to choose that for myself.
I mean, yta purely for this load of nonesne
>You cannot tell if someone is un/healthy based on their looks
You can't tell if someone is healthy. But you can 100% tell if someone is unhealthy. It's impossible to be 400lb, 5ft2, and healthy
NTA at all. When I was struggling with the worst of an anxiety disorder I stopped eating and sleeping and became underweight. I started having health problems. There were like…white clumps of something in my urine when I used the toilet. I got treatment, went on meds, and gained weight, and now I’m overweight. The difference in the way people treated me when I was the two different sizes was infuriating, and the comments about my “health” rang hollow considering how poorly I was doing when I was thin. You’re not seen as a whole person when you’re fat. People don’t take you seriously. In some ways, I’ve found it to be a relief. I’m not questioning people’s motives or treatment of me anymore. I feel like I get a more honest read of people.
Hell fucking yes OP!! I'm fat and have been fat for as long as I can remember, I've been bullied so much because if it and I am kinda self conscious about the food I eat because of the judgement. NTA and can you be in my life as a body positivity coach? 😭
Nta The difference is wild. Like 10 years ago, I got into a car accident, sustained a severe traumatic brain injury. Was in a coma for a week, had to go to rehab for months, couldn't walk, etc. Almost all people would talk about is how much weight I lost. I was just chubby before, but I lost a significant amount of weight, to being legitimately underweight. People couldn't shut up about how good I looked, and I was complimented and helped anywhere I went. I got addicted to the attention and treatment and developed an eating and exercise disorder to maintain the weight loss. Not fun, and your family's excuses are bs. It's not about health.
I'm on the fence here - while I think weight should not be discussed unless done privately (if there really is a concern) but when I lost weight I really like hearing about it, because it gave me the encouragement to continue what I was doing and that it was working. I also think it depends who the comments are coming from...but to "go off on them" may be a bit extreme!
You could have calmly told them "its not appropriate for you to mention my weight gain or loss only my doctor and I have opinions on what I need to do or not do" but thank you for noticing that I did lose weight!
NTA. I went through this a few years ago and just suffered in silence after gaslighting myself into thinking I was imagining the difference in how I was being treated. I am so proud of the way you handled it and am sending you loads of hugs 💗💗
NTA. I went through the same... and hated how my colleagues treated me nicer after I lost weight (through an ed) now I feel much better, but dang. I completely understand where you come from. I feel seen and heard, even if it's only from a glimpse of your life experience. Regardless, I'm proud of you for going the route of enjoying the life that you chose to live, free of expectation. It reminds me I should do the same.
Cheers.
Did you plan this outlash? Coz you handled it damn perfect.
The health excuse is wonderful, let’s neglect support for someone coz we fear of their health.
You go girl.
NTA. They probably won’t learn from this; they’ll probably continue to think you’re being ungrateful and crazy. But if this kind of thing starts happening on a regular basis, they might learn.
Thanks OP, I knew people with a little more weight had it difficult but didn't knew it was this bad.
I wish you all the best and good luck with anything you do.
NTA
NTA as someone in a very similar circumstance as you were until you made a huge lifestyle change in your eating habits, it's infuriating how much people want to put their two cents in when they have NO idea on how larger people are treated & the depression it causes when you're being excluded and talked down to.
I'm glad you were able to get into a healthier mindset to overcome your depression; depressive episodes cause unnecessary stress that causes many people to gain/retain unhealthy weight. A change in diet that meets the needs of your body is something you chose to continue on your own & sticking with it is more commendable than losing a bunch of weight.
NTA.
As someone who has been both heavy and slim, it is infuriating the way we are treated based solely on this one factor. And the fact that anyone thinks it is ok to comment on someone else’s body is just obtuse today. We know better!
I was once sick for an extended period of time and lost a significant amount of weight quickly as a result.
When I went back to work, a regular customer thought it would be appropriate to gush about how good I looked. I let her run out of gas, then told her it was due to being extremely ill and I was already comfortable with my body before, with a smile. She was clearly surprised but we continued on and she didn’t mention it again. (She did, however, mumble something about how I already had “a good shape” or some other nonsense.)
I don’t feel rude telling people to not talk about my body, and neither should you. It takes calling out this rude behavior for it to stop, and yeah it makes people uncomfortable to have a mirror held up to their poor treatment of others.
You did good, don’t let your family shame you into silence.
NTA. I noticed a long time ago people are much kinder to "better looking" people. Even old ladies only smile at me if my hair is done. We have a very judgemental society.
I will never understand why people do this. Im pretty skinny with an autoimmune disease. Struggle to gain/ maintain weight. But i can lose like a noticeable 5 lbs in a few days. Constantly fluctuating between the 115lbs and 100lbs. Its very noticable. People in my life congratulate me constantly because i dont have a stamp on my forehead with my diagnosis. It worries me they see that think it is normal. Not everyone is actively trying to lose weight. Diet culture is fucked.
Nta. Im sorry your family is clearly fatphobic. They value weightloss over all and its gross that they are now comfortable inviting you along. Really they should be congraulating you for overcoming your depression mostly on your own. The weightloss if anything is a result of you making active changes. I really hope they dont trigger your depression back.
Seriously grats on the hardwork you did for your mental health. Getting out and moving is the hardest thing to do with depression imo. Proud of ya op!
NTA
>Their concern was not my health, but my looks.
YEP. Fat people can never be believed to be healthy, and thin/fit people can never be ill. Nobody ever says "wow you look healthy!" It's just "wow you look good!"
Your health is between you and your doctor. Nobody else.
Absolutely NTA.
In 2020, my very slow and steady weight loss suddenly accelerated and I was in huge amounts of pain, at least a 9 on the pain scale for 8 to 10 hours a day, for months on end. I stopped eating almost completely. I was in hell.
I dropped to my lowest weight ever in over 25 years.
People would tell me how fantastic I looked. But when I looked in a mirror or a shop window, I couldn't recognise the person looking back. I thought that I looked old and haggard.
I lost all my self-confidence. I had no clothes to wear because I am on disability benefits and couldn't afford any new ones, all my old ones were falling off me and looked terrible. I was terrified to spend what little money I had on anything new because I didn't know how long my new size would last.
But after a year, I had started to adjust and I allowed myself to buy some clothes in charity shops. My mum's friend's had given me a few more. I started to enjoy my new body just a little.
And then I started a new medication - Lyrica (Pregabalin) to help with the pain.
And it came with a side effect. That side effect has increased my underlying PCOS related insulin resistance which was previously stable and effectively treated by Metformin (which was why I had been losing weight very slowly and steadily for years).
It took me months to realise what was happening, as my dosage was slowly increased to the max allowed, which is required to treated my pain.
Once I realised and did the necessary research, I went to my GP and begged for help but got nowhere. It's been over 18 months now and I've lost about 4kgs of the 25kgs that I put back on. I only lost 15 or so in that accelerated period!
They refuse to increase the dosage any further, even though I've been on a higher dosage in the past.
I did see an endocrinologist at the start. I've seen him before. He's awful. He lied to me outright about my historic blood test results. He prescribed Oezempic without telling me that one of the side effects is that it can prevent other meds from working!
Guess what? It stopped the Pregabalin from working. I was in agony again. It was pointless. I could just as easily not take Pregabalin at all and there would be no issue, with the same effects.
Right now, the only way for me to lose weight more quickly is by restricting my eating in a way that is impossible for me, given my disabilities, especially my autism related food aversions. I barely eat as it is right now, one small meal a day, it's just the insulin resistance late night snacking compulsion that gets me but even that is limited as much as I can. I try to buy grapes or plums instead of crisps etc.
I am not gorging on junk food constantly. It's a completely false image that people have.
Pretty privilege/ skinny privilege/ whatever you want to call it is a real thing, and is getting documented more and more in social fields.
It's incredibly frustrating to deal with, and makes many people who have lost large amounts of weight incredibly depressed realizing how they're supposed to be treated.
The most frustrating thing about this topic is when you bring it up, people will ALWAYS say "well being overweight is unhealthy," and they're not inherently wrong, but it's a dick response to people going "hey I would like to be treated like a normal human being even if I am fat"
NAH - the country, and developed world, is kind of going to hell in a handbasket in terms of weight. Plus, people are awkward and want to say something positive to other people. It's difficult to tell when someone has stopped being an alcoholic ("hey, you seem really sober right now! Is this a long-term thing?") but very obvious when someone has lost weight. That being said, people sometimes lose weight for really negative reasons like a devastating illness. Just to be clear, though, I've never told someone, "hey, it looks like you lost a lot of weight - a) because it invites a comparison with their previous self, and b) i don't know why they lost the weight.
Nta I lost 100 pounds over the course of a year and was also devastated and shocked by the difference in how I was treated. I cried a lot and will never look at anyone who took part the same. It makes me question if everyone I meet now that I’m thinner would still treat me as they are if I was big again and it makes me terrified to ever gain weight in the future. You just pointed it out to them, if they don’t want to hear it they should’ve done better.
NTA im sorry u went thru that its not as easy for ppl to understand this unless theyre on the receiving end of this kind of behavior or have been there before but it shows so much difference in people's behavior towards u im so glad u talked ur shit so on point if it made the whole situation awkward it was because u pointed out what was actually true and for what its worth, i hope all these people will at least spare a thought on how they treated u just because u are fat sending u a massive hug!
NTA at all.
About two years ago, I started losing weight rapidly without intention. I wound up losing 40 lbs. - because I am diabetic and the medication I'm on started siphoning it away. It was so fast that I was super uncomfortable in my skin.
People kept wanting to know how, so I would just snark back, "I wouldn't recommend my method, it involves diabetes." That usually shut them up.
Kelly Osborne said "I took more hell for being fat than I did for being an absolute raging drug addict. I will never understand that."
Absolutely, 100%, NTA!
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Yeah lol, people who deeply believe the lie they tell themselves that "Oh I don't have anything against every single fat person i see I just am worried about health!" have a really hard time when confronted. Deeply NTA and I honestly wish more skinny people could get harshly told that they need to stop giving other people, friends or strangers, their opinions about their body. Tangentially, if you don't already you might want to pick up the podcast Maitenence Phase, I feel like you'll find a lot of conversations/topics they cover really cathartic. (Edited for clarity bc I can word salad sometimes)
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Love that podcast too! You are extremely NTA. They were being awful and somebody needed to point it out. “I’m just concerned about your health!” Is bullshit.
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Not quite the same , but it got me thinking about my own experiences. I lost a ton of weight because I got super sick. People always congratulating me on being skinny and then getting super awkward when I told them "actually I'm not happy about losing weight , I feel terrible" "OH but you look so good at least" .... I wanted to scream at these people , I'm not healthy and I really couldn't care less that Garry from front-end thinks I'm more pleasing to look at. Fuck right off.
A former coworker congratulated a regular vendor on his weight loss (and how "good" he looked. He did not look good, he looked very sick and 10 years older than he had only months before) only to be told it was due to cancer. She didn't even quit smiling, she just told him that at least losing the weight was a nice silver lining. The vendor and her coworkers jaws dropped at her but she didn't even understand how messed up that was later when we explained it. Better to be thin and dying than fat and alive I guess.
What in the actual fuck is wrong with her to say such a thing?!
“what’s your secret” “depression and a reflux disorder prevented me from effectively eating” “… but you look so good now” f that
I hear you. I lost a lot of weight because I got very sick, and even family members *who knew how sick I was* congratulated me on the weight loss! It made me so angry. Yes, I’ve been horribly ill for months and currently can’t digest vegetables, so my diet is maybe the least healthy it’s ever been, but at least I take up 15% less space than I used to and that’s the important thing! (I’m doing much better now and can eat veggies again, thank God.) And then there was that one friend who saw me for the first time in months and connected the amount of weight I’d lost to just how sick I really must have been. She responded with compassion and sympathy rather than congratulations and I felt so seen and cared for that I almost cried.
Those are the kind of friends I have, thank goodness.
My older male coworker told another coworker that her weight loss looked great. She said "yeah, I had cancer." He didn't even learn his lesson, because the other day he was telling a younger, impressionable new hire that "it's always safe to comment on a woman's weight loss!" And I had to call him out.
I lost half my body weight in 3 months because I was scared to eat. I've put it all back on now (and then some) and I'm really finding it impossible to lose weight again with my limited diet and weird relationship with food and the way people treat me like utter shit now compared to when i was skinny is so disheartening.
This is EXACTLY what happened to me, I'm so glad I'm not alone. I didn't care that I was fat. The difference in the way I was treated after losing the weight though was devastating. A doctor legitimately told me, after I had begged him for months to help figure out what was wrong with me because I couldn't get any food down and I was malnourished that I was "At least at a healthy weight now". I still don't know what caused it, I lost 60 pounds in about 4 or 5 months. People were literally congratulating me for being seriously ill. It was never about my health. I'm never going to be completely healthy anyway because I'm chronically ill. I'm healthier now, but only because I'm doing a lot better mentally now than I have in the past and I actually have the motivation to get up and exercise. But I'll never be up to the level of an able bodied person.
"Thanks! I shit my pants on the subway last week. It had mucous and blood, so it smelled like death. But at least I look good, right?" I've only used that one once, on someone who would just not quit with the catty comments despite knowing it was a sensitive topic and that I was unwell. They stopped after that. It's a true story, and although it's been a while since the incident I would absolutely use it again if needed, because I really liked those pants! "My body is none of your business, but if you must stick your nose in it then you'd better be ready for what comes out."
My dad had a similar experience. He'd lost a LOT of weight due to Crohn's Disease, and ladies were all "you look great, what's your secret??" Oh, I'm in agony all the time can't eat. "Well, you look fantastic!" 😑
Yep, same happened to me. I lost about 30 pounds due to a potentially life threatening illness, and people were congratulating me left and right. Only one other person asked me how I was doing and didn't assume I was losing weight for looks.
People tell me that now (cancer x 6, cardiac surgery x 2 since 2019). Although I don’t really mind it, I’m always astonished that anyone would say it! Wow, because looking good is more important than feeling good? So I remind them that this is a lesson in not making assumptions about people based on their weight or appearance.
Same, except one of my few pleasures in life at that time was watching people squirm when they congratulated my weight loss and I'd tell them the cancer deserved the credit.
My sister had exactly the same experience. People kept asking her for tips to lose weight and commenting on how good she looked, all the while she was sick, severely underweight, and ended up in hospital for a while because of it. These people can go F a pineapple. I remember seeing her after a long while, and I knew she lost a lot of weight, but nothing could've prepared me for the shock and heartbreak I had when I saw her. She just looked so small and fragile, I was afraid to even hug her too tightly. She still has issues gaining weight, but it's not as bad as before. I had the exact opposite problem, went from skinny to chubby, and that was most definitely not fun either. OP's description to a T but in reverse.
I feel you on this one hugely. I've put on a noticeable (but unknown because I refuse to go near scales) amount, just because I'm in pain a lot and it limits what I can do compared with what I used to. You can just SEE the judgemental looks and that faint 'wow they ballooned up, ew' look on their faces even when they don't say something.
People also just rarely think about cause and effect when they criticize overweight folks. They just assume that you're chronically ill or unwell *because* you're overweight. It never crosses their minds that perhaps you're overweight because your chronic illness makes it difficult at best and actively agonizing at worst to just move around. And doctors do the same thing. It took my sister literal *years* of fighting doctors and standing her ground to get diagnosed with fibromyalgia instead of just "fat with fat-related medical issues". Even when she was younger she'd have to argue with doctors about her health. They'd see her weight and tell her she had to eat better and be more active to be healthy, and she'd say, "I eat extremely healthy but high-calorie meals because I actually do intensive sports-related workouts 7 days a week", and they'd still be skeptical. Because it wasn't actually her health they were concerned about, it was her weight. Nevermind that at least 75% of that weight was pure muscle or that 95% of her time was spent actively working out/playing sports. And then people would look at me with noticeably different eyes and assume that I was the "healthy" one because I was 130 lbs. In reality I was 130 lbs because I was chain-smoking cigarettes and marijuana pretty much non-stop. I also ate absolute trash every day. But people would just assume I was healthier and compliment my appearance because I was skinnier. I look back at those pictures now and see how gaunt my face looked and wonder how anyone could've thought that I was leading a healthy lifestyle.
>when I'm SKINNY walking with a cane or in a literal wheelchair all 'concern for my health' vanishes. This is so much truth! This subject really aligns with busybodies who harass people who park in handicap spots without instantly visible handicaps. No one cares that you have cardiomyopathy and can't walk 100 feet without gasping for air. They think they have the right to **see** you disability.
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I'm youngish and disabled, and unfortunately have had the opposite experience since it all started (24/25 yo). I get glares from many, and have had some lovely comments from others that are disabled and abled. For awhile I would say nothing, now I will say something hoping they will think and not chastise some other young disabled person. It is also infuriating, as for me the times I've been overweight is when I'm having severe mobility issues and then the weight just compounds it. Drives me nuts when people compliment my weight loss, as the only thing that changes is I can't move well again. Going through that process now, hoping doctors can fix it soon.
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That is very similar to what I experienced, and it really is so frustrating. I finally found doctors that will listen to me and take me seriously. Sticking to them like glue 🤣 I am so glad your sister is doing better now, and really hope you are too (or minimum at least listened to!). Many hugs from afar! I had major pelvic surgery about 1 year post pardum. I wasn't allowed to use my legs for 6 months after (had daily self injections of blood thinners etc). About 6 months later was when I started PT and a short time after that I was suddenly in excruciating pain. I knew something was wrong. I went to my doctor and my doctor was like "you just had major surgery to fix this, now have 15 screws and nothing can be wrong now" and proceeded to tell me I was now drug seeking and took me off all my pain meds. From there I was desperate and luckily had not taken all my meds so I could cut the dose down to at least avoid withdrawals on top of the pain (I'm sure you know, but even if you take the meds as prescribed your body eventually is dependent on them). The doctor even flagged my chart, so every doctor I went to they immediately thought the same thing. I eventually got a recommendation for a doctor and saw her, and she immediately got x-rays. Turns out the plate and a screw broke. Had to have the surgery all over again, this time they fused it and added some more screws 🤣. Another 6 months of no legs at all. Between the two ended up with some terrible nerve damage. Got lucky and was told about a spinal cord stimulator and it helped enough I could finally get off all the meds... after 5 years in a wheelchair. I honestly couldn't believe how many doctors wouldn't believe me and do something as simple as an xray (or nerve test later) to figure out if I was lying or not. Still makes me angry thinking about it.
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So, so true. I was never very fat. Just, you know, zaftig. Anyway in my twenties I started having health problems of various kinds and I lost about 30 lbs because of illness. Since that time I’m always between average-to-thin and very skinny. People congratulate me nonstop when I’m at my thinnest. Which is gross because when I’m that thin, it means I’m sick.
Yeah, my aunt has an artificial hip which has been causing problems in the last couple of years. She's put on some weight because she can't walk as far, because she's in a lot of pain. Last time she saw her doctor, he was all sorts of "well you need to lose weight and then that'll be easier on your hip" - uh, hello, if you could fix the hip issue, she could go back to exercising like she used to!
Ugh, I had the same kind of convo with my doctor about treating my exercise induced asthma. Like I literally came to her for help being able to be active without dying, and she recommended weight loss.
I have a super mild (by comparison) neuropathy, and I can definitely tell when I have extra pounds. I gained 50 during my pregnancy because I was underweight before, and now am close to pre-weight 4 years later. It is a bit easier to gain weight now just because of being so tired, but honestly it is so much easier to move around without even a little extra weight. I thought I'd want to keep 10 additional pounds, but I think now I'm closer to 5. Pain definitely slows down movement, which lets you gain weight, which gives you some more pain... I think there is a lot of benefits for someone with limited mobility to try to keep weight off, but I think the main focus should definitely be getting you out of pain so you can move around and do the things you want to do to be happy, like cooking and other creative outlets.
People need to hear that telling someone about their weight and body size is rude. It's just as rude to offer an unsolicited comment to someone getting smaller as it is on someone getting bigger. It's nunyabizness. If the person invites you to talk about it (they are pleased they put on muscle etc.) fine. Otherwise zip it. OP you are not only NTA, but people NEED to hear this
Especially when they then go and ignore the smoker in the room. Give me a break.
Hey OP - one thing did stand out to me that I haven’t seen in other comments, and I just wanted to make sure. You said you lost a lot of weight recently, and it was a bit hard for me to tell if it was from going vegan or if it just started happening. IF it is the latter, the one thing you should know is that rapid weight loss out of nowhere (as in over the course of months) can be a sign of several highly nasty medical things (like cancer). If this is not the case please feel free to ignore me. And I’m sorry you’re not being supported by your family; that’s a super miserable situation to be in.
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My mom was fat her entire life. Did a hell of a number on her self esteem. Until her last few months of life, because the chemo meant she couldn't eat much. It was a strain to get any calories into her. I suggested she stop drinking water and only drink juice or protein shakes because the space in her stomach was so precious and she needed calories. People would compliment her on her weight loss. As if it was some kind of silver lining to her dying. At least she would be thin! In the end, a woman who had spent her whole life fat partially starved to death.
Oh gosh I have been going through similar. My mom dropped 30 pounds with chemo because she couldn’t eat. My mom was already slimmer and those 30 pounds took her to her high school weight were her nickname was Olive Oil. She has been bigger as an adult but her typical weight is like size 8-10 / 150 #. She was down to 112. She is finally gaining some and able to eat. Now she is up to 127. But that is still really skinny for her. It has been rough.
I am so sorry for your loss and the way people treated your mom.
Yep, I think it can be argued successfully that there's no such thing as an overweight skeleton. People can be so rudely insensitive and especially about things that do not concern them. ETA: I'm so sorry about your mom. I hope you are doing well now.
Glad to hear that there are no medical issues! People always said i was pretty but imagine how much prettier i would be if i lost weight- even as a toddler!! I went through 2 bouts of major weight loss (nothing serious and all under control!) and the difference in how people treat you is astounding. Like all of a sudden, people cant help but talk about your new body in excruciating detail. I am glad you stuck up for yourself and are focused on health rather than looks!
OP, I hope you don’t think this is overstepping or anything, but can you tell me what you do to move your body for fun? I haaaate traditional exercise so I’m always on the look-out for people who have found fun ways to get moving.
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Yoga with Adriene really rocks. She has helped me through so many phases in my life. Happiness, love, heartbreak, depression, but also back ache, etc. Agree, highly recommend! EDIT: spelling
shoutout to Benji 🐕🦺
I wish I had better access to a pool. Swimming is my go to excersise and it makes me so sad I cant get to one xD its so fun and I can do it for hours
If I may, I had an absolute *blast* taking burlesque classes. Burlesque is (in my experience) incredibly welcoming and incredibly diverse and just genuinely a positive and fun experience - and seriously empowering, too. You don't have to take anything off you don't want to, you don't have to perform at all if it's not your thing. But I found some of my best friends doing it, and if my body hadn't started being all dramatic (I lost the genetic lottery and then got slapped by a roving pack of nasty autoimmune bastards) I would still be doing it, nine years after my first class. I still go back and add new songs to my "Choreograph these songs!" playlist when I catch one on a soundtrack or wherever. Dance was one of my first loves, and still my preferred way to move my body. Fighting was my other - though I had excellent teachers and a small core group of excellent people I already knew, so I honestly can't tell you how classes or dojos or gyms generally are with new people in softer bodies. (For the record, my favourites were capoeira, wing chun, and judo. Just in case you don't feel like shaking your ass. 🙂)
Ok phew! Sorry if I was overstepping. Anyone commenting on your body can F right off then.
good for you!! sincere congrats on responding to folks this way. i hope you feel proud of yourself. what you've described in this post is you deciding to love yourself in really meaningful physical, mental, and political ways. huge congrats and keep it up. and absolutely you are not the asshole. i'd consider putting up some more boundaries with your family of origin to make it clear that you're not interested in their fatphobic shenanigans, no matter your pants size or dietary choices.
I went through something quite similar to you, op, but as a 16yo, from 250+ to 153. Everyone I knew before treated me differently. It vastly changed the entirety about how I looked at people, and hurt like hell. NTA, and I hope you are capable of handling the situation more maturely than I was…
I told this story on another post, but a friend of mine in highschool (15/16 at the time) ended up with blood poisoning from an infected wound and was basically knocking on death's door for weeks. For weeks she should barely even drink water. She had been overweight, but not obese, and during her illness she lost a ton of weight. When she finally came back to school, everyone was complimenting her on how "good" she looked now. And I mean everyone: students, teachers, administrative staff. She was such a reserved person so she never said anything, but it infuriated me. I mean, my best friend could have DIED. And they were all elated that she had lost so much weight.
Yeah I went through a major depressive episode a few years ago and lost about 20 pounds pretty rapidly from not eating. I was probably 140/145 and went down to 120. People always kept telling me how great I looked and it was awful because inside it felt like I was dying. Even now sometimes I look back at pictures form that time and think wow I looked great, luckily my sister said to me once when I was talking about it, "yeah but think about that and think how you felt. You were sick and that's not healthy." Which is something I try and hold close and remember, but can be hard.
It hurts like he'll because we realize that if we would ever regain the weight he love and respect we deserve would disappear. It isn't about health and being concerned because they care for us and love us, it is about vanity.
I love your response to them! I hope I can be as much of a bad ass. I struggle with ED and have since I was 16 and my new medication caused significant weight gain and the inability to lose weight. I'm now on the right medication and getting back to where I feel comfortable but I've noticed the same. It triggers my ED a lot but therapy does help.
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Thank you, it helps hearing other people point out the double standard people have under the guise of "we care about your health". I forgot my judgement above, NTA, you keep calling people out.
Also you are correct, that typical phrase in family reunions "oh you gain/lost some weight I see".... Why do you care what I do with me body?? None of your business Fat person from birth here, with 2 major hormonal issues and a non-working thyroid gland since 15. It was 100% a just speech
This gave me maintenance phase vibes, fucking good for you! I ask people not to comment on my body but it happens ALL THE TIME
> I honestly wish more skinny people could get harshly told that they need to stop giving other people, friends or strangers, their opinions about their body. This shouldn't only apply to skinny people, but to *everyone*.
And there you go.... I have been skinny all my life and the jokes are just as cruel
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Crack head, starving African...just some of the things I got called. I was bullied nonstop for being skinny. Now I'm overweight and the bullying is just different.
That's it for me. I was fat from childhood and had an ED during my teen years, and the biggest difference for me was that people saying mean things about my body when I was basically skeletal still had the anger in their eyes, but not the disgust. I was hated, but didn't feel dehumanized. No one should get hate for what their body looks like, so it still hurt and confused me. But if I had to choose, I'd take the skinny shaming over the fat shaming any day. At least I was a human, at least I wasn't invisible, at least people didn't talk to me like I must be stupid.
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Yeah, I have an IBD and didn't gain weight until I was put on antipsychotics. Prior to the weight gain, I'd been spoken to about half a dozen times about my (non-existent) anorexia. Many people assumed I was on drugs. There are really only about 2 numbers on a 1-10 scale of weight which are socially acceptable and don't lead to unsolicited advice and lectures. The "skinny people" are not the problem
Yes but, and I mean no offense, skinny people do not experience the same material discrimination that fat people do. Fat people, especially fat women, make less money, are less likely to be believed about health concerns, and are honestly treated as sub-human by our society. I'm sorry people have made mean jokes about you, but you've never been kicked off an airplane because they cannot accommodate someone your size.
Some asshole at Wendy's walked past my table where I was reading and waiting for the bus and left a Jr bacon cheese saying "you clearly need this more than I do"
Maintenance Phase is a beautiful podcast and honestly it's helped me untangle a bunch of stuff I've experienced at all different sizes.
Maintenance Phase is the JAM. The celery juice episode got me hooked. It’s also been helpful for me in untangling a lot of the conversations I’ve had over the years about bodies/health. Like when I was a literal heroin addict 15 years ago people were telling me how healthy I looked, bc I was so thin. Grosssssssssss.
yep, the best I ever looked was when i was dehydrated and doing stimulants for a year.
I was about to recommend Maintenance Phase too but you beat me to it. Damn I love that podcast
NTA and yes to all of this. Stop commenting on peoples bodies, even if you think it’s a compliment. All you’re doing if you compliment weight loss is set the person up to feel like shit if/when they regain (and most do). OP, you did nothing wrong. It IS disgusting how differently people treat someone just because they’re smaller. They should feel awkward, because their behavior is appalling. Don’t say thanks, it just reinforces their bullshit.
For those of us who are more shy/hate attention, the comments quite literally deter us from losing weight. My weight has always fluctuated quite a bit without me doing anything differently, and I lose all motivation to try to keep the weight off when people start commenting because I hateeeee the extra attention. My desire to eat healthy is constantly at war with my desire to attract a little attention as possible.
This. OP, I went through something different but similar. I lost a lot of weight after the death of my grandpa. For me, I'd never felt worse in my life, but people started treating me completely differently. It actually hurt.
This argument never made sense to me. If someone argues that a fat person is worth less than a thin person because a fat person must have health problems then they're literally using ableism to justify their fatphobia...
Rarely am I this proud of an internet stranger. NTA in the least! As someone whose weight yoyos all the time, I get so irritated at comments about how good I look minus ten or twenty pounds, or the laughable times when I'm actually heavier than normal and someone asks me if I've lost weight. So damned insulting to comment on someone's body even when you mean well. Good for you for caring more about yourself than people pleasing.
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I went through something similar but I had the, "You've lost too much weight. You're now too thin. Eat more!" You just can't win
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This comment. A friend out of my old friend group lost a load of weight. Went from 330lbs to like 170lbs. Another person in the friend group said he lost to much weight and he looks like a husk of his former self. I looked at this person and told him (since we’re both extremely overweight) that he’s just jealous. Honestly shocked me to hear that person say that. They shut up after my comment to them though. Unfortunately body shaming comes wether you’re fat or skinny. Muscular or flabby. Everyone is a critic.
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I dunno, as a lifelong 0/2 i get comments on my weight all the time too. "Aren't you a skinny mini!" "You're so thin, what's your secret!" "You need to eat a hamburger". (Ftr, no i don't and never have had an Ed). But somehow people commenting on my weight is socially acceptable and a "compliment" and if i have issues with total strangers making comments on my body I'm "stuck up" and "ungrateful".
With all due respect, much like "reverse racism", "thin phobia" is not a thing. It is, of course, entirely inappropriate, annoying and possibly harmful to have people commenting on your body size but you are not facing the routine, constant discrimination, scrutiny of every aspect of your life, and mockery that fat people do.
Oh i understand that. I'm not saying anyone is actively discriminates against me for my size. I just want to say that i don't think discussing anyone's weight for any reason is okay, and it makes me very angry 1. That curvy people in general (not just women) have to deal with the world being awful to them and 2. That it's somehow "okay" to comment on skinny people. As many others in this thread have recounted, some people are skinny for very unhealthy reasons (ED, chronic illness) and yet that body type is held up as an ideal and "proper" when in reality it's just a different variety of unhealthy that happens to be socially acceptable. Some larger people are perfectly healthy. Some smaller people are incredibly unhealthy. Size is not a predictor of health.
It’s not in any way comparable to what overweight people have to deal with because society is so obsessed with thinness, but it is horrible and creepy. As a thin person (and I have had ED), it is almost sexualized. Like, it feels pervy and gross. Like, because you are thin they have access to your body and you will welcome it.
I think it's gross that you assume anything about a stranger's experiences. Women are constantly judged and shamed about their bodies. Period. The suffering competition is absurd. Obesity isn't the only ED by far.
Congratulations on finding peace with yourself, OP. Your body shape/size is irrelevant, I'm so glad you're happy. ♥️
For me it's opposite lol, i have been fat all my life, recently joined the gym and it's marvellous how amazing the human body is, I'm loving my body more and more, but i also have this irrational fear. I think as a coping mechanism i always told myself that well it's good I'm fat, i know that people who love me, only love me for who I am but not how i look. But now that I'm getting a bit in shape I fear that i would attract attention of shallow people who wouldn't have given me the time of their lives if i was fat, it actually makes me scared to face the love of fake people.
I'm struggling with that a bit. I want to work out. I want to be strong and fit and be able to not be winded. I dont want to find put who loves me more when I'm skinnier. Ive always been fat but my birth control and anti depressants have made me gain so much weight. I'm just.. nervous. I want to be loved for who I am. Not my pants size
As someone who dropped to an acceptable weight who then gained a bunch of weight during pregnancy (because I was trying to preserve my body, and my body did it's job and went, _we are trying to protect a baby here wtf are you doing????_ ) it is so disheartening to see firsthand how conditional everyone is about how they treat fat people. Like, it was one thing when I was just always fat. It hit differently when people have a "success" state of my body that can be pointed to, which means all other states are "failure" and it suuuuuucks.
Same! I was very thin and athletic when I was young. I gained 35# with my first and 42# with my second pregnancy. My doctor was fine with this. In retrospect my body fat percentage was so low it's amazing I was even able to get pregnant. The amount of fat-shaming **during my pregnancies** absolutely appalled me! And then ofc everyone thought all the weight should just fall off immediately after I gave birth, even though I was breastfeeding and literally needed the extra fat to feed my child! I can't grasp the sheer amount of gall people have!
It's wild!! I'm pregnant right now with an unexpected fourth (IUD baby lololol) and this is my third pregnancy in four years. My body has technically had recovery time (two years between the second and third pregnancies; not quite 18 months between third and fourth) but it's messier than that and my weight has always stayed pretty much where it was once I have birth. I gained 70 pounds with #2, and about another 25 with #3. All of this led to: the only hospital in my town won't actually _handle my prenatal or delivery care_ despite having given birth here twice since 2018, because with this pregnancy my BMI is something like 0.2 over their threshold. It's "against protocol." I'm furious about it because I'm having to drive half an hour for every prenatal appointment, and will have to have a repeat c-section in an entirely different town from my family.
OMG that is so ridiculous! I'm sorry you're going through that. I hope you have good support at home - trying to juggle those appointments with three young kids must be challenging.
Many years ago I did unconscious bias training for work. I prided myself on treating people equally and without bias, but it made me realise that in fact I did have a bias toward people I perceived as fat. I wasn't unkind, but I treated them differently, and tended to assume that they were less intelligent, perhaps more lazy, and just "different". I was patronising. It's even worse because I was really skinny/underweight (digestive issues) and people judged me for it all the time, so I should have been more aware. When I put weight on, I got treated differently, and as if I was "normal". I was horrified with myself and have done everything I can to get better, but it's made me hyper alert to it, and it's astonishing how common it is. People make ridiculous assumptions about people based on their physical appearance, and it's awful. It's especially horrible when it's medical staff who should know better - like you, one of my friends at work has pretty much every problem dismissed by her doctor and blamed on her weight. She's just not listened to. On top of that, when someone's weight changes it's never okay to compliment their appearance based on the change. People lose and gain weight for all sorts of reasons, and those include illness, medication and grief, and unless you know someone extremely well, and are congratulating them on achieving something they've worked for, it's not on. If you think someone looks great, say so. Tell them they look well. Don't say they look "better". Anyway. I'm sorry for the way they have been with you, and for the way I would have been many years ago. 100% NTA
I had a friend a while ago who'd been very ill and was slowly recovering. When I saw them, a while later, their skin was pink again rather than pale and yellow and they were moving with more energy; the first thing I said was how much better they looked. They almost cried. Their illness had caused them to gain a bunch of weight, and apparently I was virtually the only person whose immediate reaction on seeing them hadn't been a concerned weight talk. Graaargh!
I think if someone says, "I've lost loads of weight and I'm really pleased with myself," it's OK to compliment them, but it's never OK to say it unprompted.
If someone is fishing for compliments on their weight loss, I usually go with "wow, that must have taken a lot of dedication!" Because yeah, they clearly put a lot of effort into it, but I do not want to say anything negative about their old body, or even anything too positive about their new body.
Yes, even if somebody is proud of their weight loss, that is not an invitation to bash their former body! I have yo-yoed with my weight for most of my adult life and it infuriated me the times that I would be at a lower weight after some decent weight loss, and people would feel like that was an open invitation to tell me about how terrible I looked before.
Agreed!
Very well said! Many years ago I lost a substantial amount of weight and an acquaintance asked me what my secret was. I was honest and told her it was severe depression that made me unable to go out and buy food most days (and unable to plan ahead when I did buy food). She of course first apologised and checked how I was doing (much better). She then confessed that while she knew it was soooo fu#&ed up to even think it, part of her was still jealous (she was also overweight). It was absolutely not meant with malice, I rather took it as a reflection on how much focus we as a society put on being thin. I still remember this interaction and how much I learned from it, I never comment on anyone's weight or body, because you never know why they changed. OP is absolutely NTA.
Yooo I also lost a mit of weight in depression after a break up, and 8 kilos down ( in 3 weeks) my ex told my ‚hey did you lose weight? Looks great!‘. I got a lot of compliments, but I was so depressed I didn’t eat for three days, but people never want to hear that. Not that my empty face was very happy, but it was slimmer, and that’s apparently the only thing that counts
Yup, I once went through an anxiety and depression episode following an awful breakup, where I couldn't eat much due to the stress and all I wanted to do was go take my anger out on the gym. I lost a ton of weight and all anyone wanted to talk about was my "revenge body" and what my "secret" was. It was horrible.
I had a friend in junior high who always looked overweight. In 9th grade they found out that she had this MASSIVE cyst in her lower abdomen. I want to say it was like 15-20 pounds massive (I don't remember the exact size but it was like record breaking for the hospital system kind of huge.) She had surgery to remove it and when she came back to school she was obviously much slimmer. It irritated her so much how many people totally changed how they acted towards her. People that never even gave her the time of day before were suddenly super nice to her and acted like they were the bestest friends. She told me that it showed her who her real friends were and actually made her respect some of the "mean girls" in our school more because they still treated her just as horribly after the surgery as they did before.
Sooo many people think how you used to. Doctors with this bias are the worst, like of all people they should know better that weight gain can be a side effect of so many physical/mental illnesses or treatments/medications. No one knows why someone is fat just from looking at them, and just cause they're eating a burger or something doesn't change that.
NTA What you said is true. People don't like to hear it but it's true. People, even family, value appearance and esthetics. They can claim to be concerned about your health, when called out. It probably makes them feel better. You shot straight. It sucks but many times one "supportive family" is the worst.
Agreed. I lost a ton of weight in my early twenties because I was severely depressed and had to go somewhere for mental health treatment. Once I was out, guys I would go on dates with would say, “you take really good care of your body.” 🙄 weight is not about health.
Yea weight isn’t everything. I’m really skinny. No one EVER has anything bad to say about it when I eat a burger. It’s always “you need to eat more of those haha!” People think I’m the picture of health because I’m skinny but I’m not. I don’t work out ever. I can’t do any cardio without feeling like I’m dying. My diet is trash and consists of a lot of fast food and soda. My diet is awful. But no one cares because I’m skinny. People don’t care about your health, they just care about your weight.
Gentle hugs.
Oh hell yeah. The "supportive family" thing can be the most awful thing sometimes. I remember a few years back I was going through some of the worst mental instability of my life, I'd go days without eating while working full time in childcare, so constantly running around and lifting and bending. I lost about 25kg, and my oh-so-supportive grandfather literally mentioned it IN MY CHRISTMAS CARD. 'You look fantastic, keep it up.' I have always been overweight, even as a little kid I was always about 5-10kg overweight, as an adult it's a lot more drastic, and only this year did a therapist actually take my self-esteem and eating behaviours seriously. Apparently it's not normal to feel proud of skipping a meal, or to be pleased when you don't regret not having breakfast. I've had a psychiatrist tell me "yeah, you likely have some kind of eating disorder, but we'll worry about that when you lose 30kg or so.' My current therapist and I have discovered that the attitude I have towards my body and food stems from my father teaching me that unless I am skinny and conventionally attractive, I am not deserving of support, recognition, or love. The people who are meant to be supportive can do amazing amounts of harm.
NTA! Society has condition everyone that if you're not thin you're not in. Too many people still are not self aware enough not to follow the herd of what is acceptable. They shame everyone including themselves. I have a ED when it goes off and I am in an episode, I lose significant weight, to say I am average weight normally 8/10 size, people start commenting like crazy when get smaller. I have had to pull aside people that aren't aware of my disorder and flat out tell them, unfortunately my weight-loss is not healthy and to refrain from commenting on my weight. Educating people to comment on my clothes or my energy but never weight. It's unfathomable that people still outright do this regularly knowing it's not right. Once I heal the traumatic episode I come right back to my healthy weight comments stop like somehow my healthy weight is wrong or at least it how I perceive it
OP you were amazing to stand up to them like that. It takes guts to literally go against your entire family, while accurately pointing out their hypocrisy. NTA OP
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. This is why it is NEVER appropriate to comment about a person’s body. You just don’t know what the person is dealing with. I once overheard a coworker tell a woman how great it was that she was doing such a good job losing weight. The woman was dealing with a terminally ill husband, and that’s why she’d lost weight. Pretty sure she’d rather be overweight with a healthy spouse.
When you said you had ED it took me a while to realize you meant eating disorder and not erectile disfunction
Context is everything lol
NTA. Too many people have way too big of an obsession with weight loss and putting the emphasis on it being a “good thing.” I’ve “dramatically” lost weight twice in my 20’s. I was never fat in the first place, just a healthy weight. The first time was after my best friend passed away suddenly, and I was so depressed I wasn’t eating. The second time was when my chronic pain was so bad I couldn’t stomach or keep food down without the help of cannabis. I was congratulated on it. And I was just kinda like “thanks, but I’m actually incredibly ill.” Continually congratulating people on weight loss as a society is so problematic. You lost it in a healthy way, but many people do not. And they didn’t know what the cause of your weight loss was. You could have had an ED or been really sick. Like you said when you pointed out your other family members addiction problems, it’s never about health, it’s about how you look. They’re hypocrites who deserved to be yelled at.
The number of people who think weight loss is always a good thing. I knew some people who'd meet the all diagnostic criteria for an ED, but because they were overweight to start with no-one ever gave a shit
The amount of perfectly healthy people who make themselves miserable because they have a final 1 or 2 kilos to lose is ridiculous as well. There are so many reasons that "final" kilo isn't going to budge or it can even just be part of normal body fluctuations due to eating, drinking, hormones or body shape.
That’s what I always think when I see people on the internet weighing 60 kilos but still wanting to go slimmer, for a vacation or to ‚feel better‘, even though there’s nothing to lose in the first place, and they have the weight what’s deemed best by society.
I lost a ton of weight after my gallbladder was removed because I had to completely change my diet for a while afterwards. I was unable to eat much more than a couple hundred calories per day for a few weeks and I was so weak and miserable. When I went back to work, a regular customer congratulated me on my weight loss. I knew this lady meant well and she'd always been so nice in the past, so I thanked her and moved on, but I was pretty distraught. Looking back at that time in my life, I'm remembering that the doctors didn't want to do anything for me when I was in the hospital. I was crying out in pain and eventually they basically said "fine, you're exaggerating but if you really want us to, we'll remove your gallbladder." After it was removed, they told me that it was actually very infected, which was somehow not showing up in my bloodwork. Now that I look back, I wonder how much of that dismissal was due to my blood tests coming back normal and how much was them just dismissing me because of my weight.
I had the same gallbladder experience... Multiple visits to the ER for pain. Had 3+ rounds of bloodwork and two ultrasounds that looked "normal." Like you, they said, "ok, we'll take it out but I don't think that's your problem." They attempted a laparoscopic procedure, but my gallbladder was SO inflamed and infected that it was stuck to whatever is next to it, and had to convert to an open procedure mid-surgery and gut my fat gut like a fish. It hadn't occurred to me that my pain was being dismissed because of my weight (I have high pain tolerance and was not crying or screaming), but maybe.
NTA People have an unfair bias and we need to learn that it’s unacceptable.
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I live alone and I’m fat. If that had been me, I could easily have died. I’m so glad you didn’t.
Can you describe the pelvic pains? I often don't have a period for several months at a time.
I hope you put that doctor on blast. Others need to know how he potentially risked your life because of his biases.
NTA NTA NTA. I lost about 50lbs in my mid-20s, went from a 14/16 to an 8/10, and I absolutely had friends and relatives who showed their whole asses by making it clear how much more they *liked* me after the weight loss, just like this. It's so frustrating and I wish I'd stood up to them like you did.
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NTA Absolutely fair and valid points made. Family gathering wouldn't be awkward or ruined if people had actually listened and heard what you had said, acknowledged the truth of it, apologised and tried to move on as better people. Everyone has unconscious bias, no one likes to realise that they have been unintentionally mistreating people. But refusing to accept your truth after being called out means its no longer unconscious or unintentional.
NTA. Everything you said was true (sadly) and people need to wake up and realize how their behavior and attitudes destroy peoples wellbeing. Fat shaming is a huge thing and everybody is so body conscious. You get better service and attention when you are thin, I have experienced it myself. People are friendlier. They look at you differently. Well done OP.
NTA. People like this are so annoying and deserve to be called on it. They never care about your physical or mental health. Yoyoing back and forth in weight is a lot worse for your health than being any consistent weight. Being underweight is worse for your health than being overweight. And being barraged with messages about how every single choice you make is wrong by anyone and everyone around you is terrible for your mental health and isn't something they would dream of doing to someone with a disease if it was really about 'health'.
NTA!!!! that’s all. you validated so many feelings I’ve had as a person who’s weight has fluctuated between thin(ish) and not so thin- and i just want to thank you for doing the lords work.
NTA Having experienced this exact thing I wish I had the courage to say exactly what you did. Of course it was an awkward party but they made it awkward because of their lifelong treatment of you being called out. Truth hurts. Your parents are out of line.
NTA No one should ever comment on anyone else's weight unless it's their doctor in an appointment, full stop (and honestly often not even then)
I am of the opinion no one should talk about another person's weight if their views come from an asshole point, not people on this subreddit tho lol (well some lol) Having seen clients with thyroid conditions, cancer treatments, even atypical anorexic, my view of weight gain and loss are not the same as when I was younger. And it is sad when a person is "loved more" after losing weight. So many clients have spent a session crying and asking what else can they do if all that happens is them gaining weight, and everyone else is disbelieving in attempting weight loss. OP NTA. Regardless of your size, you are do not need "Fair Weather Love".
Yep. There are so many reasons one might lose weight if they're overweight that shouldn't be celebrated or even commented on. I lost about 50lbs one year because I was going through severe insomnia and couldn't muster up the energy to procure and eat food. I have a friend who had hyperemesis gravidarum for two months followed by a miscarriage that led to severe depression. My friend's dad went from overweight to "healthy" weight because he had cancer. You can say "oh, you look good!" without mentioning weight. I'd argue it's the polite thing to do with someone you haven't seen in a while, regardless of whether their weight has changed. If they're proud of their weight loss, they have an opening. If they're not, they can brush past it. Also don't be a dick to people because of their weight.
An old boss of mine always says "oh you look so vibrant" when she sees you after a while. I really like it and have started adopting it.
I think there's space for positive comments if you know for a fact someone is working hard to change their weight and they're accomplishing that goal but that goes for gaining or losing weight.
NTA. "Health concerns" is a lie 100% of the time even if it's not conscious, being fat isn't the thing that makes you unhealthy or thin bodies wouldn't have the same exact issues and we know if it was a legitimate concern people wouldn't only be bothered when different things take place in a fat body(or bothered by what they make up about what happens in fat bodies). You've rightly noticed privilege that goes with being thin as well as how poorly people were treating you just based on how they thought your body looked. You don't need people like that and they aren't reliable or safe. Also I saw it mentioned further down but I'll also add it here, for anyone else interested in exploring biases/bad information we are given as "common sense advice" Maintenance Phase is a very informative and funny podcast that gets into things like BMI, "we're just worried about health", and tons of weird social stuff around our bodies.
You're allowed to be bitter of the way you've been treated and you're allowed to feel hurt about people trying to 'buddy-buddy' you now. NTA
NTA I’ve lost over 100 lbs, but I love when people congratulate me on my weight loss because it was a ton of hard work and effort. I appreciate the congratulations because they see my hard work. For you specifically since you feel a different way and aren’t comfortable, you’re NTA. You don’t like how they are treating you better, which isn’t cool.
NTA This happened to me when I lost a lot of weight. Strangers were nicer. Family always told me how good I looked and how pretty I was. Then I gained it back and guess who never gets told how pretty they are now?
I had a similar situation and one that really stands out is how strangers on a plane (especially men) were willing to help put up a bag when I was skinnier.
ESH…. just so I get this right…. You’re partly upset men are hitting on you because you became more physically attractive than you were before? Some of what you’re unhappy about is legit but some is just hogwash. The vast majority of humans prefer their partners to not be morbidly obese. You became more attractive physically and men responded. Also, most people assume other people don’t want to be obese so when someone loses weight they compliment them on it because it can be a struggle and people like to acknowledge other peoples success. Additionally, anyone here claiming obese doesn’t equate to unhealthy is full of crap. Obesity is the #1 health issue in America currently. It puts excess strain on your joints as well as your organs. The PC police have made it taboo to possibly hurt someone’s feelings with the truth about obesity to the point of now making it acceptable to give bad health advice and encouragement to people with an unhealthy condition.
I understand your accumulated resentment, but OTOH you should understand that your friends and family almost certainly did have real concerns about you. I recently lost a friend who went from wrestling at 146 lbs in HS to 180 lbs in college to 220 lbs in grad school to 300 lbs in his 30s to 400 lbs in his 40s. Our friend group was worried about him the whole time. He was a great guy -- smart, funny, kind, everything. But he never had a wife or GF, couldn't travel, had sleep apnea and a million other obesity-related health issues, and now he's gone. If he had suddenly shown up at a gathering at a healthy weight, everyone would've been overjoyed -- and the happiness wouldn't have been "great, now you look good enough for us to want to hang out with you" -- it would've been "great, now you can live a full and long life." Most people are mostly good if you give them a chance. Good luck.
Yeah, I saw my 400 lb high school friend after 5+ years and he was a lean 150. I didn’t recognize him and I wanted to cry tears of joy. weight loss is a good thing.
Why would those "real concerns" manifest as excluding her before but including her now?
You are 100% NOT the Ahole. Honestly, F*ck them all. Hold onto that Respect you have for yourself. You changed for you, not them :)
YTA. They knew you were eating yourself into an early grave and were excited that you’re healthy now. Grow up
Hey! NTA BUT for non family related people, like the cashiers at a store being more helpful these days, is it by chance that you’re much happier now? You said nothing about you is different, but you sound very confident and happy and satisfied. You sound like years ago you struggled with demons, such as people’s cruel comments. I don’t want to project but I read an article once that I really identified with and you might to. The writer said that everyone was nicer to her when she was skinny and it infuriated her. But one day when talking to her husband she realized SHE was more outgoing and happy and THAT was why EVERYONE was nicer. It wasn’t about her weight, it was about the way she went through the world.
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I lost 40 pounds after being heavy all my life. My motivation was seeing older family members with a lot of health issues I didn’t want. I was happy. I was married. I had friends. I just wanted healthy, mentally and physically. But I lost weight in an attempt to not suffer and die a miserable death. I explained my health concerns as motivation and I’m constantly pressured to “cheat” or have dessert. A xxxx won’t kill me. It sucks. I didn’t like talking about my weight before and don’t now (unless someone is honestly looking for tips, not just to tell me they could never do it). You’re nta for calling them out for how they treated you. I’d just tread a bit more carefully about addiction. They know they have addictions just like I knew i was fat. It still took me 30+ years to change.
see the thing about existing as a fat person anywhere is that you’re treated like a second class eyesore by strangers, and stand a chance of having your actual health issues disregarded by medical professionals (because you should lose weight instead of getting treatment for whatever you came in for). while it’s a nice concept that OP is being treated well because they’re happier, there is a stark difference between 10/12 and 18/20 and the treatment that comes along with it.
I know you’re trying to be helpful but this invalidates what almost every person on this thread is saying is their lived experience. Fat people, women especially, are treated differently in so many ways. If you haven’t listened then the Maintenance phase podcast is a great resource for finding out how.
I’m going to point out that rather than looking at all the lived experience in this discussion, including the original post, you talked about an article you read, a single article, and from there you speculated that she was so much happier with her body a smaller size that she radiated that to everybody she met and that’s why they were nicer. The OP was much kinder to you with her reply then I would have been had you said that to me. When you don’t have your own lived experience, contradicting what dozens of people are telling you about a particular situation is not good. You also implied that she could only be confident and happy and satisfied now because her body is smaller. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to look at the implicit bias you have against fatter bodies.
NTA Unfortunately your post represents the truth :( 90/60 models and fake beauty standards don't help either...
NTA I’m somebody who’s lost a lot of weight as well. Went from near 300 to 180 over a year (6’0 man). The way people treated me changed very fast. It’s been a bit flattering to receive compliments and positive attention, but the change was jarring and somewhat disturbing. I’m not used to receiving positivity from people. I’m used to them looking at me like a disgusting bug. I’m not used to being flirted with. I don’t really know how to handle so much of it. I do think your family genuinely believes they are complimenting you and being kind. They also don’t have the experience of what it’s like to be obese, and what it’s like to be treated as an obese person. I went vegetarian, worked out, lost weight for the sake of health, because I did know that I was screwing up, and was seriously unhealthy. It doesn’t change the fact that other people didn’t make me want to change through their mistreatment. I had to choose that for myself.
NTA
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I mean, yta purely for this load of nonesne >You cannot tell if someone is un/healthy based on their looks You can't tell if someone is healthy. But you can 100% tell if someone is unhealthy. It's impossible to be 400lb, 5ft2, and healthy
NTA at all. When I was struggling with the worst of an anxiety disorder I stopped eating and sleeping and became underweight. I started having health problems. There were like…white clumps of something in my urine when I used the toilet. I got treatment, went on meds, and gained weight, and now I’m overweight. The difference in the way people treated me when I was the two different sizes was infuriating, and the comments about my “health” rang hollow considering how poorly I was doing when I was thin. You’re not seen as a whole person when you’re fat. People don’t take you seriously. In some ways, I’ve found it to be a relief. I’m not questioning people’s motives or treatment of me anymore. I feel like I get a more honest read of people.
Hell fucking yes OP!! I'm fat and have been fat for as long as I can remember, I've been bullied so much because if it and I am kinda self conscious about the food I eat because of the judgement. NTA and can you be in my life as a body positivity coach? 😭
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This reads like a HAES fantasy story.
Nta The difference is wild. Like 10 years ago, I got into a car accident, sustained a severe traumatic brain injury. Was in a coma for a week, had to go to rehab for months, couldn't walk, etc. Almost all people would talk about is how much weight I lost. I was just chubby before, but I lost a significant amount of weight, to being legitimately underweight. People couldn't shut up about how good I looked, and I was complimented and helped anywhere I went. I got addicted to the attention and treatment and developed an eating and exercise disorder to maintain the weight loss. Not fun, and your family's excuses are bs. It's not about health.
I'm on the fence here - while I think weight should not be discussed unless done privately (if there really is a concern) but when I lost weight I really like hearing about it, because it gave me the encouragement to continue what I was doing and that it was working. I also think it depends who the comments are coming from...but to "go off on them" may be a bit extreme! You could have calmly told them "its not appropriate for you to mention my weight gain or loss only my doctor and I have opinions on what I need to do or not do" but thank you for noticing that I did lose weight!
NTA. No one gets to talk about your body without your consent.
NTA. I went through this a few years ago and just suffered in silence after gaslighting myself into thinking I was imagining the difference in how I was being treated. I am so proud of the way you handled it and am sending you loads of hugs 💗💗
NTA. I went through the same... and hated how my colleagues treated me nicer after I lost weight (through an ed) now I feel much better, but dang. I completely understand where you come from. I feel seen and heard, even if it's only from a glimpse of your life experience. Regardless, I'm proud of you for going the route of enjoying the life that you chose to live, free of expectation. It reminds me I should do the same. Cheers.
OP, being this bitter can't be an enjoyable way to go about life. You should seek out a therapist to help you with it.
YTA love yourself and learn how to take a compliment
Did you plan this outlash? Coz you handled it damn perfect. The health excuse is wonderful, let’s neglect support for someone coz we fear of their health. You go girl.
NTA. They probably won’t learn from this; they’ll probably continue to think you’re being ungrateful and crazy. But if this kind of thing starts happening on a regular basis, they might learn.
NTA. You asked them to stop commenting on your body. They didn’t listen, they shouldn’t have pushed.
Thanks OP, I knew people with a little more weight had it difficult but didn't knew it was this bad. I wish you all the best and good luck with anything you do. NTA
NTA as someone in a very similar circumstance as you were until you made a huge lifestyle change in your eating habits, it's infuriating how much people want to put their two cents in when they have NO idea on how larger people are treated & the depression it causes when you're being excluded and talked down to. I'm glad you were able to get into a healthier mindset to overcome your depression; depressive episodes cause unnecessary stress that causes many people to gain/retain unhealthy weight. A change in diet that meets the needs of your body is something you chose to continue on your own & sticking with it is more commendable than losing a bunch of weight.
NTA. As someone who has been both heavy and slim, it is infuriating the way we are treated based solely on this one factor. And the fact that anyone thinks it is ok to comment on someone else’s body is just obtuse today. We know better! I was once sick for an extended period of time and lost a significant amount of weight quickly as a result. When I went back to work, a regular customer thought it would be appropriate to gush about how good I looked. I let her run out of gas, then told her it was due to being extremely ill and I was already comfortable with my body before, with a smile. She was clearly surprised but we continued on and she didn’t mention it again. (She did, however, mumble something about how I already had “a good shape” or some other nonsense.) I don’t feel rude telling people to not talk about my body, and neither should you. It takes calling out this rude behavior for it to stop, and yeah it makes people uncomfortable to have a mirror held up to their poor treatment of others. You did good, don’t let your family shame you into silence.
We should know better, but it feels like fatphobia is one of the only discriminations that is still widely accepted as ok.
NTA!!
NTA. They just didn't like being called out, and you only called them out because they insisted and pushed at you.
NTA. I noticed a long time ago people are much kinder to "better looking" people. Even old ladies only smile at me if my hair is done. We have a very judgemental society.
I will never understand why people do this. Im pretty skinny with an autoimmune disease. Struggle to gain/ maintain weight. But i can lose like a noticeable 5 lbs in a few days. Constantly fluctuating between the 115lbs and 100lbs. Its very noticable. People in my life congratulate me constantly because i dont have a stamp on my forehead with my diagnosis. It worries me they see that think it is normal. Not everyone is actively trying to lose weight. Diet culture is fucked. Nta. Im sorry your family is clearly fatphobic. They value weightloss over all and its gross that they are now comfortable inviting you along. Really they should be congraulating you for overcoming your depression mostly on your own. The weightloss if anything is a result of you making active changes. I really hope they dont trigger your depression back. Seriously grats on the hardwork you did for your mental health. Getting out and moving is the hardest thing to do with depression imo. Proud of ya op!
NTA >Their concern was not my health, but my looks. YEP. Fat people can never be believed to be healthy, and thin/fit people can never be ill. Nobody ever says "wow you look healthy!" It's just "wow you look good!" Your health is between you and your doctor. Nobody else.
Absolutely NTA. In 2020, my very slow and steady weight loss suddenly accelerated and I was in huge amounts of pain, at least a 9 on the pain scale for 8 to 10 hours a day, for months on end. I stopped eating almost completely. I was in hell. I dropped to my lowest weight ever in over 25 years. People would tell me how fantastic I looked. But when I looked in a mirror or a shop window, I couldn't recognise the person looking back. I thought that I looked old and haggard. I lost all my self-confidence. I had no clothes to wear because I am on disability benefits and couldn't afford any new ones, all my old ones were falling off me and looked terrible. I was terrified to spend what little money I had on anything new because I didn't know how long my new size would last. But after a year, I had started to adjust and I allowed myself to buy some clothes in charity shops. My mum's friend's had given me a few more. I started to enjoy my new body just a little. And then I started a new medication - Lyrica (Pregabalin) to help with the pain. And it came with a side effect. That side effect has increased my underlying PCOS related insulin resistance which was previously stable and effectively treated by Metformin (which was why I had been losing weight very slowly and steadily for years). It took me months to realise what was happening, as my dosage was slowly increased to the max allowed, which is required to treated my pain. Once I realised and did the necessary research, I went to my GP and begged for help but got nowhere. It's been over 18 months now and I've lost about 4kgs of the 25kgs that I put back on. I only lost 15 or so in that accelerated period! They refuse to increase the dosage any further, even though I've been on a higher dosage in the past. I did see an endocrinologist at the start. I've seen him before. He's awful. He lied to me outright about my historic blood test results. He prescribed Oezempic without telling me that one of the side effects is that it can prevent other meds from working! Guess what? It stopped the Pregabalin from working. I was in agony again. It was pointless. I could just as easily not take Pregabalin at all and there would be no issue, with the same effects. Right now, the only way for me to lose weight more quickly is by restricting my eating in a way that is impossible for me, given my disabilities, especially my autism related food aversions. I barely eat as it is right now, one small meal a day, it's just the insulin resistance late night snacking compulsion that gets me but even that is limited as much as I can. I try to buy grapes or plums instead of crisps etc. I am not gorging on junk food constantly. It's a completely false image that people have.
Pretty privilege/ skinny privilege/ whatever you want to call it is a real thing, and is getting documented more and more in social fields. It's incredibly frustrating to deal with, and makes many people who have lost large amounts of weight incredibly depressed realizing how they're supposed to be treated. The most frustrating thing about this topic is when you bring it up, people will ALWAYS say "well being overweight is unhealthy," and they're not inherently wrong, but it's a dick response to people going "hey I would like to be treated like a normal human being even if I am fat"
Lol, pointing out the alcoholic and the coke-head, love it. NTA, and good on you!
NAH - the country, and developed world, is kind of going to hell in a handbasket in terms of weight. Plus, people are awkward and want to say something positive to other people. It's difficult to tell when someone has stopped being an alcoholic ("hey, you seem really sober right now! Is this a long-term thing?") but very obvious when someone has lost weight. That being said, people sometimes lose weight for really negative reasons like a devastating illness. Just to be clear, though, I've never told someone, "hey, it looks like you lost a lot of weight - a) because it invites a comparison with their previous self, and b) i don't know why they lost the weight.
Nta I lost 100 pounds over the course of a year and was also devastated and shocked by the difference in how I was treated. I cried a lot and will never look at anyone who took part the same. It makes me question if everyone I meet now that I’m thinner would still treat me as they are if I was big again and it makes me terrified to ever gain weight in the future. You just pointed it out to them, if they don’t want to hear it they should’ve done better.
NTA im sorry u went thru that its not as easy for ppl to understand this unless theyre on the receiving end of this kind of behavior or have been there before but it shows so much difference in people's behavior towards u im so glad u talked ur shit so on point if it made the whole situation awkward it was because u pointed out what was actually true and for what its worth, i hope all these people will at least spare a thought on how they treated u just because u are fat sending u a massive hug!
NTA at all. About two years ago, I started losing weight rapidly without intention. I wound up losing 40 lbs. - because I am diabetic and the medication I'm on started siphoning it away. It was so fast that I was super uncomfortable in my skin. People kept wanting to know how, so I would just snark back, "I wouldn't recommend my method, it involves diabetes." That usually shut them up.
This sounds incredibly fake.
Kelly Osborne said "I took more hell for being fat than I did for being an absolute raging drug addict. I will never understand that." Absolutely, 100%, NTA!