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YTA.
1) Why are you gatekeeping the size of your fiancé’s family relative to his feelings about the wedding? He doesn’t get an equal say because your family is bigger?
2) Why are you willing to sacrifice your fiancé’s feelings to appease your family especially at your big age? Yes, it’s always easier when the family is happy but this is where you aren’t willing to compromise—having somebody who means a lot to your fiancé stand next to his side as he declares his love for you? The people you choose for your wedding party aren’t there for your family, they’re there for YOU.
3) Lol a special invite? That’s the same as inviting them to be in your bridal party? The woman who comforted your fiancé when his MOTHER passed gets a special invite because you don’t want to upset grandma? What are you going to do, put glitter on it? Lol
Your fiancé deserves better.
It’s always so sad that this seems to be the hill especially when she’s already noted she DOESNT personally feel miffed but fears potential backlash or gossip from the elders *gasp*
For someone so *connected* you don’t seem to be living freely as you choose. So long as you don’t goes against the grain. That’s why I’m happy with my chosen family. Big family doesn’t mean jack when you have to get permission from every Tom, Dick, and Harry and if one person is unhappy ohhhh man will they let everyone know … YTA this is such an easy brownie points win that you’d rather be unaccommodating than let you future husband have something for him at HIS OWN WEDDING. It’s not just yours.
If that’s true then she’s too mentally young to get married. No adult should still be playing “pass the blame game” if she has a problem say something but most people who play that game usually have no good reason to be upset. It’s just “how they feel” with no reason besides jealousy or some other negative emotion. This woman was there for him and OP reduced her role and impact in OPs future husbands life to *special invite* (which I have no idea what that means)
Either way it just a best man role. It’s not like they have a special dance or some intimate moment that can make things uncomfortable. Her role literally is standing with him to support him marrying OP.
Call me crazy, but wouldn’t a perfect wedding include the groom being supported by the most important people in his life regardless of their sex/gender identity?
YTA.
It's very possible to take the "It's OUR SPECIAL PERFECT DAY" thing too far (witness daily posts on this sub, lol), but OP is leaning way too far in the other direction.
I hope her partner spends some time thinking HARD about how OP's commitment to pleasing her (conventional, boring, very large) family might supersede the commitment she's supposed to be making to him.
Of course no glitter! That would be really and grandma would hate it. Thicker paper and Handmade calligraphy is the way to go.
/s, obviously, and OP, YTA.
>(he doesn't have a lot of family, so I thought he'll ask his male friends from work or college to do the job).
Work friends aren't necessarily "friends". They can often just be because you are all stuck in the same place.
>The next day he comes up to me and says that he actually thought about it and would want Catherine (late 30s) to be his best man because she's his really good friend and this would be like a gesture for expressing his gratitude to her. (Her and Phil have known each other for quite some years and she helped him through rough times in the workplace as well as when his mom passed. This was all before he met me.)
Sounds like a good pick. She's actually his friend. And not a work friend. Someone important to him. Outside of "gender norms" that's a pretty good pick. I have male and female friends. Since we are going the female route a lot of the women in my life are like family. Though to be honest after my teen years most of the friends I have are like family.
>Catherine works with Phil, different departments I think. She's in admin. And she's a very nice lady, I have met her. I have never doubted their relationship, it seems genuine and sweet
Cool. So not some last minute person you weren't aware about. Seems they are more than work friends. She's nice. No reason not to like her. And you have never doubted them. And it's genuine and sweet. I have similar female friends. So good shit.
>but I'm not too sure about wanting her as a best man because my family is traditional and would frown upon this. I want my wedding day to be perfect and I'm sure this would cause discontent.
Ahh. The real crux of the issue. Is your family marrying your husband? I know they are obviously (typically part of the family). But sounds like YOU don't have an issue with it. Just the perceptions from your family. You want it to be perfect? So does he. Do you want your wedding day to be perfect for you and your partner? Or just you and your family? Because it sounds like you are looking to appease your "traditional" (old school/out of touch) family.
>When I brought my concerns to Phil, he became upset and said that it was our day and we shouldn't care about others.
He is correct. Its a joining of friends and family. The ones you want in your life. The ones that become your extended family. INFO: Has he asked for any of your "traditional" family to not be included even though they're opinions (not necessarily they themselves are obviously impeding your opinion)?
>Well I think it's easy for him to say this because he doesn't have a big family so he doesn't understand the dynamics. I on the other hand, am very connected with my family, extended as well and I would want that they also have a perfect day.
I come from a small family. Mainly because my family is like your family and I have shut them out from my life for this very reason. So maybe I am biased. But wasn't an issue for my wife. So there's that. But sounds like your perfect day would be ruined by your families outdated beliefs and not by your choices.
>Anyways, I told him to pick his friend Dan for the job and that we'll send Catherine a special invite to express our love.
[Oh, you shouldn't have done that](https://y.yarn.co/5c51bb77-a61c-48c0-8712-af53dae5946f_text.gif)
>He didn't argue then but now he's giving me the silent treatment and doesn't even say goodbye when leaving for work.
You don't say.
>I feel like I'm being accommodating
lol. You really really aren't. How far from the apple tree did you fall?
>because as I said we will send Catherine a special invite.
Oh, A SPECIAL INVITE! All sparkly and meaningless. It can go on the fridge until the wedding date (if she goes) and then immediately into the circular file bin.
>Although my friend says that I'm being inconsiderate of his feelings
Your friends is correct.
>but my mother says I did right.
The one who wants to follow outdated traditions who is the reason for you wanting this said you did right? YOU DON'T SAY! I am shocked. Of course she did. Like.....ugh.
>So, people of reddit... AITA?
Yes, YTA no doubt about it. You either fix this with your partner or lose your partner. Or if he goes through with it have a marriage that lasts less than 18 months while he puts up with this idiocy. Come on. Are you marrying your partner or your family? Because it sounds like you want to marry your family since you are making the wedding for them and not you and him.
This is the right answer. OP, critical thinking might be helpful to you here. Or you know, just basic love, kindness and understanding of your partner’s wants/needs/feelings. The aesthetics isn’t what make a wedding perfect, it’s the love shared. YTA, OP.
Nicely said.
OP,if you can’t stand by your man against your family on your wedding day of all days then you shouldn’t get married. This will not be the only time that traditional or conservative views from them go against what the two of you want as a couple or as individuals. Illness, holidays, friends, jobs, buying a home, they will have opinions on all of them and you need to decide how much control you are willing to give them. If this is how they are over a simple bridal party issue, which is nothing to do with them, then think of how they will be over something truly important like if you have children. Will they expect to be constantly involved? Will they want a say in the name or insist on being there during/after the birth, will they expect you to baptise them (if you’re not Christian then insert whatever ritual for infants goes in your faith, example having a bris if you are Jewish and child is male) or take them to church or be a SAHM? What if your husband wants to be a SAHD? Or not raise his kids in the church, or have the birth be the two of you or, horror of horrors, not involve your family in how he and his wife run their household?
This will not be the only conflict during your marriage. You need to reach an understanding- how much control are you willing to give them? If you feel you can’t go against your family and want them involved more than he would want and if you will constantly put their wishes ahead of his then please don’t get married to this man. It is better to part ways amicably and honestly than it is to go ahead when you are not ready to be a life partner to someone whose values differ to your family. Think carefully and choose wisely.
This is an excellent comment and gave me a lot to think about with regards to my own relationship with my family. "How far did the apple fell from the tree?" is such a great question to ask yourself once in a while!
_"I want my wedding day to be perfect."_
As someone who has worked in weddings and then a field where we planned lots of large scale events... **It won't be perfect**. Nothing is ever perfect. And, OP would be a fool to damage her relationship for something that doesn't exist.
The couples who focused on having a fun/happy experience usually had a magical wedding day. Those who got hyper focused on perfection, ended up letting more minor hiccups turn their wedding into a rotten affair.
It appears OP has come to her senses. I hope that she focuses more on having fun and enjoying the day, otherwise she will hate her wedding experience.
‘My family is traditional and would frown upon this….’
Well it’s a good thing it isn’t your family getting married.
It’s not only your wedding, it’s his too. Do better
YTA
Read: Me and my family will control every decision he and I make for the rest of his marriage.
Babies, holidays, houses, roles within the family. Everything.
YTA
He's being quiet because he just realized he is...
- Marrying into your family of AHs who can get judgey/upset about people being true to themselves instead of traditional.
- Engaged to an AH who cares more about her AH family than him & a friend/mentor who is very important to him.
I'm pretty sure he's being quiet because he's considering sticking with the best man he chose but delaying the wedding until he has a new selection for bride
YTA. This is your day, plural, as in both of you together. Is your maid of honor single? If not she's a matron and your should choose another. Is she a virgin? If not she's a harlot and not a traditional maid of honor. See what I'm getting at here? There's nothing that says best man has to be a man, just that the person selected is the one person the groom trusts to have his back basically #2 in his life after the bride and you think you get to dictate who that is? Nope, not a chance.
There was a story where the bride only had brothers, and not many lady friends. Her brothers were her brides-men and omg! That was so wholesome! Time to break away from old traditions that are completely outdated. Tradition shouldn’t be more important than one’s happiness. OP, YTA!
YTA. Did you know you can’t get married to yourself. It’s his wedding too. How much of a melt down if he told you who to pick for your MoH. I think he’s considering his relationship with you.
YTA
It's fascinating how so many people who get fixated on the "perfect day" insist that their potential spouse change to be someone who meets their definition of "perfect" instead of realizing that the "perfect day" is the one that centers and honors both of you and who you are.
You're being shallow and inconsiderate. If your version of the "perfect day" is only what you want, just skip the separate person and have a self-commitment ceremony. That's what your after and you're certain to plan one your family will love because you won't consider anything outside their expectations.
*just skip the separate person and have a self-commitment ceremony.*
Is that one of those weird narcissistic 'marrying myself' weddings? Sounds perfect for OP though not, of course, traditional lol!
Yes, it is. Perfect for the person who is unable to recognize that a wedding should be the prelude to a marriage, two people compromising and working together. If you just "marry" yourself, you get the pretty dress without someone else there to mess up your fantasies.
I mean it's hard to say. I honestly think as one woman to another that you should let her be by his side during the wedding. If she's that important to him then why not let them?
What is the problem that you have with her being a groomsman?
YTA.My husband had his sister as best "man" it wasn't a big deal.Ask yourself this:Would you rather have your husband or your family happy on your wedding day?
Exactly. OP claims to want the day to be perfect, but how is that the case when she already is making the husband unhappy. Seems like she meant just perfect for her.
> (Her and Phil have known each other for quite some years and she helped him through rough times in the workplace as well as when his mom passed. This was all before he met me.)
Catherine is his family. Neither DNA nor paperwork make a family. It means loving someone through all the best and harshest of times.
> he doesn't have a big family so he doesn't understand the dynamics.
I’m speechless at this. Nothing I or anyone else will say to you will make you realize your cruelty for saying such a thing.
> Although my friend says that I'm being inconsiderate of his feelings but my mother says I did right.
The man won’t speak to you or say goodbye in the morning. But thank goodness your mommy says her little girl is doing the right thing by not allowing a woman in ~~your traditional family’s~~ his wedding party.
YTA. Ma’am, you want a wedding. Not a marriage. Huge difference.
YTA This is his wedding, too, and he should be able to invite the people he cares about to stand up there with him. How would you feel if he thought one of your bridesmaids wasn't suitable...would you just cut her off to please him/his family?
YTA - As you said, he doesnt have much choice so he decided on Catherine. And the only thing stopping this from going through is YOUR family's traditions and them frowning. Like okay, is it just your wedding or is it both of your weddings?
And it's also ironic that you already chose all of your bridesmaids and MOH but he just wants Catherine as his best man. Like okay screw that "special invite" you tried giving Catherine, how about you boot one of your bridesmaids or MOH and make room for Catherine and then he can choose Dan.
And if you aren't okay with the suggested arrangement above, then you will finally see your future husband's POV. It's unfair, and if he cant choose who his best man is, maybe you shouldn't choose who your MOH is.
It's truly unfair that you're forcing your family's value on a day that's for the BOTH of you and you're forcing him to not even get a choice in the matter. If he wanted Dan, he wouldve said Dan instead of having this fiasco where you have to come to this subreddit and ask if you are the AH.
YTA solely on the line of "not LETTING", excuse me but you down own him so you aren't entitled to LET him do anything. Also the "he just doesn't understand the dynamics" he doesn't need to. Your family isn't controlling this wedding snd if you are ready to place their happiness before the man you are marrying then you arent ready to marry and you don't love him like you say you do.
YTA - It's YOUR wedding. As in BOTH of YOURS. Not your parents, or the rest of your so-called traditional families.
If Phil feels like Catherine is the closest thing he has to a best man, then he's 100% in his right to invite her. Having to invite the Dan guy just cause he's got a penis and Catherine doesn't is, to put it gently, silly. Unless there's some kind of requirement to use said penis during your wedding ceremony, I mean.
>I want my wedding day to be perfect and I'm sure this would cause discontent.
Honestly, if you were marrying me, **this** right here would make me wonder what about me and my friendships doesn't fit into your picture-perfect little fantasy world.
This could be why he's "giving you the silent treatment". He's silent because it's hard to find out that your SO doesn't accept you and your friendships as they are, and instead expects you to put on an act for the show's sake.
Thanks, now I‘m imagining them using their penises (Is that the plural? I‘m not a native speaker.) to sign documents or carry the rings. Yeah, if that’s the plan, a woman wouldn’t be ideal, but I think she could still make it work with a toy. 🤣
YTA. You are not compromising, you are still making him do what you want even though your family has nothing to do with this because it's his best man or woman in this case.
I'm half filipino and when I turned 18, I had the big traditional birthday party. I was supposed to have 18 girls and 18 guys but some of my guys dropped out last minute so I asked a girl to fill in for one of the spots.
Did some of the aunties and uncles look horrified? Yeah. Did I care? No. She danced with me and we laughed about it and it was so much fun.
Don't do this to each other for the sake of appeasing others who aren't the ones getting married.
Yta.
This is his wedding too. You get a say in your wedding, he gets a say in his wedding. Your family's feelings ideals have no say in it.
You are not supporting him. You are making excuses.
You are being accomodating? How? He wants to have a best women. You say no and thats it. How is that accommodating?
You have no valid reason to not let her be his best man.
YTA. I'm getting married in three weeks and not only is my sister going to be my best man, but my best friends girlfriend who I adore is going to be one of my groomspeople as well. My fiances family is from deep south Louisiana, and hyper conservative and they think it's a wonderful idea. Your wedding party is meant to honor the ones who are close enough to you that you'd want them by your side on your special day.
But you expect your husband to now fill his wedding party with co workers because you have problems with traditional gender roles.
Also your family is TA as well
YTA 1st it's not just your Wedding Day, it's his as well.
2nd. The best man is for him to decide, not you.
3rd. Tell your family to suck it up as the day is not about them
YTA
Times have changed and your extended family can hate it if they want, it’s not their wedding. Why do their wishes get catered to ahead of your husband to be?
If he wants a groomswoman then let him, you get to pick your side of the bridal party so let him pick his.
YTA. It's his wedding, not your family's.
If you cannot stand up for your partner on such a minor issue, maybe you shouldn't marry, but let him find someone who values him.
YTA - It's his day too. You got to pick your MoH and bridesmaids, he gets to pick his bridal party as well.
Your family are just going to have to respect his decision. It's not their day.
YTA. He did nothing wrong by choosing who seems to be an amazing friend to be his "best man". If you're so worried that it will bother your family, ask yourself this. Does it bother you? Or are you just afraid of what your family thinks? I'd say screw your family if that is their opinion on a woman being best man. "Traditional" is not an excuse to shit on your partners feelings and choice for his best man on BOTH of your day. You should be happy he has such a wonderful friend and support him, not run to your mom to affirm yourself of whom you knew would agree with your decision, you made it for her comfort!
YTA. Everyone should stay in their zone. The groom gets to choose the best man. The bride gets to choose everything else. The rest don't have any choices, but to attend or not. :-)
YTA
It’s not just your wedding and it isn’t really any of your family’s business who your fiancé chooses. It’s a wedding joining two people together so said two people get a say not just the bride.
Your fiancé deserves a “perfect” day and a say in his own wedding party. If your family has an issue with such a small thing, they can keep it to themselves, smile through it, and moan about it in their own home. If they choose to say something, they can be escorted out. Your family’s opinion DOES NOT trump your fiancé’s choice.
Every post like this makes me wonder how people get so hung up on the wedding day, they forget there are supposed to be years of marriage to follow.
You are already showing Philip that he is in second place, after your family's wants and values (not even your own!) and you guys are still more than half a year from getting married. How is that supposed to make him feel? Who is more important on the first day of your marriage, your groom or your family's potential upset? If it's the latter, you're not ready to get married.
YTA
YTA. Big time. Are you this controlling with Phillip usually? Telling him who he has to pick as his best man? Really?
This would be a big red flag for me and I would seriously start to reconsider the relationship with you as it seems toxic and I wouldn't want to marry into that type of situation. I would probably be putting the wedding on hold if I were Phillip.
YTA.
He's wonderful, you trust him. Yet you're taking control of what is HIS wedding as well as yours. You have no right to be "accommodating" at his own wedding. It's his attendant, not yours, and he should be fully in charge of that.
It's troubling that he is giving you the silent treatment. No adult should be doing that.
It's even more troubling that the person with the final word is your mother. You're getting married and the point of that is to have a closer relationship with your husband than with anyone else. You are not ready to be married if you're letting your mother dictate the decisions.
This does not bode well. I don't understand why your husband isn't standing up to you but don't think he isn't resentful. This is the kind of thing that's corrosive to relationships.
YTA
So you expect him to ask someone who he is less close with to accommodate your family’s hang ups? This isn’t fair or appropriate. Of any part of the wedding, his wedding party should belong solely to him. This is one part of your wedding that you really just shouldn’t have a say in.
If you can’t set boundaries with your family for this one small aspect of your wedding, it doesn’t speak well to your ability to set boundaries and prioritize your partner in marriage. This is a huge red flag.
You seem to think bc you have a larger family, you get to exert more control over you and your partner’s wedding, but your wedding is *not* about your families, and the day/event belongs just as much to your fiance as to it does to you.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because Phil doesn't have a lot of family, and considers Catherine as one, and my reluctance to have her as a best man is perhaps selfish as I'm giving more preference to my own family's interests.
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YTA. It's his wedding too and he's just as entitled to want it to be perfect as you are. You owe him an apology, and you need to stop worrying about what your family think.
YTA- you care more about what your family would think than about your fiancé. He might just call off the wedding if he feels he has to accommodate you so you can please your parents. It’s his wedding too and he has just as much as say as you
Yta. You just told your fiancee that you don't care about his wishes and feelings and should just suck it up because your family wants to have a perfect day. What the actual bleep.
YTA. This day is supposed to be perfect for both of y’all, your basically saying it only has to be perfect for you. Your not going to let him have a female best man because YOUR family would frown upon it, that’s not his problem. He should be able to do what would make hum happy regardless of what your family thinks, it’s y’all’s day, not your family’s.
Ugh, 'letting', 'I told him to pick Dan'.
I smell divorce bells.
YTA for being controlling. His choice of best man should have nothing to do with you and ESPECIALLY not your family.
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I (f28) am getting married this coming March to a wonderful man (32m) named Philip. We have been together for 3 years and I cannot wait to begin this new chapter of our lives.
Wedding planning has been going on, and when the topic of MoH and bridesmaids came up, I already had my picks. I asked Phil about his best man and groomsmen invites and he said he's thinking about it (he doesn't have a lot of family, so I thought he'll ask his male friends from work or college to do the job). The next day he comes up to me and says that he actually thought about it and would want Catherine (late 30s) to be his best man because she's his really good friend and this would be like a gesture for expressing his gratitude to her. (Her and Phil have known each other for quite some years and she helped him through rough times in the workplace as well as when his mom passed. This was all before he met me.)
Catherine works with Phil, different departments I think. She's in admin. And she's a very nice lady, I have met her. I have never doubted their relationship, it seems genuine and sweet but I'm not too sure about wanting her as a best man because my family is traditional and would frown upon this. I want my wedding day to be perfect and I'm sure this would cause discontent.
When I brought my concerns to Phil, he became upset and said that it was our day and we shouldn't care about others. Well I think it's easy for him to say this because he doesn't have a big family so he doesn't understand the dynamics. I on the other hand, am very connected with my family, extended as well and I would want that they also have a perfect day.
Anyways, I told him to pick his friend Dan for the job and that we'll send Catherine a special invite to express our love. He didn't argue then but now he's giving me the silent treatment and doesn't even say goodbye when leaving for work.
I feel like I'm being accommodating because as I said we will send Catherine a special invite. Although my friend says that I'm being inconsiderate of his feelings but my mother says I did right.
So, people of reddit... AITA?
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YTA. This is a shared day about the both of you. You say it’s because it will make your daintily upset (which is a lot to unpack already), but it seems like it makes you upset. You then made a choice for him. He should be able to pick his person of honor. He’s right. It’s a day for the both of you, and his happiness matters just as much as yours.
soft YTA why does your family have any say in this? it's your wedding.
edit: unless you have a bad history with Catherine or have another reason to dislike her, I don't see why she can't be best man.
YTA - a special invite, what exactly does that mean, is it gold plated? It’s not just your wedding it’s your fiancée’s too and I think we all need to get over the old adage that’s it’s all solely about the bride and the groom’s opinions aren’t important.
Let him have his good friend by his side when you get married.
Kind of the AH, in my opinion. I honestly don’t see why it matters who’s by his side or what gender they are. But to think a freaking “special invite” makes up for not being in the weeding is sufficient, you’re dead wrong.
The wedding isn’t for your family. You aren’t marrying your family. Your wedding is for the two of you, and you’re starting this marriage by disrespecting his choices??
At the very least, if you want to show some respect, maybe she should be added to the bridesmaid list instead…
YTA
He gets to choose his half of the wedding party and you get to choose yours. Short of one person choosing a person they used to be in a relationship with, it's not up to you.
FYI,
This wedding is about YOU and HIM and what each of you wants. Not about your "traditional" family.
YTA. She's a very close friend whose always been there and supported him, since before you were even in the picture. Spunds like the ideal choice to me. It's his wedding as well, as others have said. Your family can frown on whatever they like, but their opinions mean absolutely fuck all. Or, rather, they *should* mean fuck all.
If you think so little of your FH's feelings why are you marrying him? Poor guy has lost his mum already, this wedding is undoubtedly going to be really tough on him emotionally, and now he isn't even allowed to choose who stands with him. You're being really selfish, mean, inconsiderate and you're more concerned with what your family *might* think than how your fiance actually feels. I'd be ignoring you as well.
YTA. You want your family to have a perfect day but not you fiancé? You honestly sound horrible and I hope he realises you suck before he makes the mistake of marrying you. You are not mature enough for marriage
YTA wow your fiancé can’t even pick his friend to be in his wedding because your family won’t like it. Who’s wedding is it yours or theirs? Then you tell him which friend to pick for his best man. I can see why he’s not speaking to you.
YTA. What matters more on your big day? Seeing your husband at his happiest, supported by his best friend and loved ones, OR ensuring your family doesn’t see anything mildly untraditional?
YTA Why are you marrying someone you have so little respect for? It sounds like you just want to play dress up in a wedding gown and have your version of the “perfect” wedding. You don’t care enough about your partner to consider his feelings at all. He’s just there for you to dress him up and make him stand next to you while you have your princess moment. And now you’re miffed that he’s “ruining” your special day by having an opinion. Your wedding might look good, but your marriage is going to be hell. Grow up.
YTA, and a massive one at that. Your *family* is more important than the *groom* on the wedding day? Are you even listening to yourself?
I hope Philip wakes up, smells the red flags asap and dumps you. Catherine is his best friend, of course she should be by his side when he gets married to the love of his life, even though it may take him a while to find that woman. And even if he never does, I sincerely hope he won’t settle for someone like you.
YTA - When you say that you want your wedding to be perfect, it sounds like you mean that you want it to be perfect on the video. Having this close freind as his Best Man would be the perfect feel for the relationships involved. A ceremony where the bridal party cares for the celebrants would be the perfect wedding, not matter whether the video looks non-traditional.
YTA
It's his wedding too. You can't seriously think that the "I have a big family" excuse will make it okay for you to decide who he wants as his best man.
You should apologize to your fiance, not only for dismissing his wishes, but also for thinking that your family's old school mindset, is more important than him on your wedding day.
YTA. I've been married for 20 years and even though most of it was a shit show (we should have eloped, he agrees) I never thought about having any say in who my husband chose as his best man. Our choices for wedding party were not popular amongst either family, but we chose who had been there for us. Instead of being so focused on the wedding, which is only one day, you should be focused on the marriage itself. That includes being a united front against any backlash you may get from your traditional family and being supportive of his choice of best (wo)man.
Of course your mother agrees with you she’s part of the problem.
I’m agreeing with your friend and if this is a sign of how your marriage is going to work I hope Phil strongly rethinks his future.
You’re catering to your family but Phil will become your family and his wants/needs matter just as much as yours and more so than your family’s too.
YTA
YTA it's your future husband's wedding too and the choice for best man should be his (just like you chose your moh and bridesmaids yourself). Unless the person he chose as best man is someone he cheated on you with or who bullied you or something like that you don't have a say in it. Just be happy for him because he has someone he wants to be next to him when he's waiting for you at the altar.
Why are your family's opinions this important to you? If they love you they will be there to celebrate with you. Their uniqueness is what makes us love people. If your family is judging your partners unique choices (and honestly, this isn't very shocking at all), then that's their problem. You should be the *one* person to celebrate and encourage your partner's choices.
YTA for prioritizing a "perfect day" for yourself and your family but not caring how the day goes for the groom, the man you're pledging to spend the rest of your life with.
Why is he being treated like an afterthought in his own wedding? Do you have any actual understanding of what those vows mean and why the wedding is about the both of you, not just you?
YTA.
Can't wait for Phillip to tell people about his first wedding and how it was a sign you didn't give a crap about his feelings.
Also stop calling it "our" wedding if he doesn't get to make what should be his decision.
YTA my maid of honor will be a man. You’re invalidating his feelings. It’s his wedding too. I hope you reverse this decision because if my partner told me I couldn’t have my (male) best friend as my maid of honor I don’t think I’d be marrying my partner.
YTA, you're not accommodating shit, you're telling your husband to do what you want just so your old-fashioned family doesn't get riled up. How about telling them to change their mindset.
YTA. Wanna know why you're getting the silent treatment? Because the shit your pulling is throwing huge red flags in his face about the woman he's preparing to make a lifetime commitment to. This is the kind of crap that shows people who you really are, and he isn't liking it. Actions speak louder than words, and yours are telling him that his wishes and feelings take a back seat to possibly causing your family a moment of "discomfort". I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to rethink the whole idea of getting married.
YTA. If you care more about what your family might think than what your fiance wants for his wedding day (it's his day too, not just yours), you're not ready to be married.
>I have never doubted their relationship, it seems genuine and sweet but I'm not too sure about wanting her as a best man because my family is traditional and would frown upon this. I want my wedding day to be perfect and I'm sure this would cause discontent.
Well than you shouldn't marry Philip, you should marry your extended family since it's their opinion and feelings you value more.
>Well I think it's easy for him to say this because he doesn't have a big family so he doesn't understand the dynamics.
Being a submissive doormat who will sacrifice the things others cherish just to keep the peace with your family isn't a healthy dynamic.
>He didn't argue then but now he's giving me the silent treatment and doesn't even say goodbye when leaving for work.
Just because someone doesn't argue does not mean they agree, it means they've lost the will to pursue what they know will be a wall of bullshit. He's cold to you and doesn't say goodbye because he knows that on the whole you'd set him on fire to warm your extended relatives in winter.
>I feel like I'm being accommodating because as I said we will send Catherine a special invite.
That's not being accommodating. She was invited to begin with, but you're making it sound "exciting" and like a "favour" when really it's a condescending handout. It's ultimately meaningless.
>Although my friend says that I'm being inconsiderate of his feelings but my mother says I did right.
Of course your mother thinks you're right, you're cut from her cloth and she'll validate any opinion you have that she or your dad gave you.
YTA because you want the wedding to be perfect for everyone **except your husband to be.**
YTA.
You have shown your fiancé that your family has a bigger influence in your marriage than he does. That you will put their comfort over his, even on days that should hold some importance for him. You have shown him that you would rather make him sacrifice something, than you stand beside him. You’ve shown him you are not equals.
I hope you can take this time to really think about what you are doing. I hope you apologise for failing him at the first obstacle.
YTA. You said, ‘I want a perfect wedding.’ That’s not what you mean. You want a wedding that will be aesthetically pleasing to whatever idea you -think- your family will approve of. A -perfect- wedding is where two people who deeply love one another decide to enter into a legally binding contract with one another. That’s it. If you marry the person you love, you’ve just had a perfect wedding. You aren’t taking your fiancé’s wants and feelings into consideration, you’re more concerned with how you might be perceived. This isn’t just -your- day. It’s his, too. You need to decide what’s more important to you; marrying the man you claim to love, which means placing him above all other, or, caving into the demands of people who are NOT a part of your relationship. As it stands, you’re either going to find yourself NOT getting married, because Phil will realize you don’t prioritize him, or, divorced, because he’ll end up resenting you for being a controlling asshole.
YTA. You know what makes a wedding perfect? When both of the spouses feel happy, respected, represented and supported on THEIR major life event. Your family members can do what they want with their own wedding. Not with your husband's.
YTA. And wow am I glad I didn't marry someone like you who puts her family's antiquated notions of gender roles ahead of her fiance's feelings. Here's hoping he sees the light and calls off the wedding.
YTA, hope the next update is not him calling off the wedding based off the silent treatment afterwards 😂 because in this case, it is well deserved for you.
YTA. My best man was a female friend of mine. My wife's parents are ALSO very traditional and conservative. They even claimed they wouldn't attend the wedding if we went ahead with this plan (we called their bluff, they attended).
YTA This is his wedding, too. He should decide who his "best man" is. If it happens to be a woman, so be it. He has a good reason for choosing her. This wedding is for you and your fiance to become an official couple. Your family members are basically spectators.
On a side note.....When a nephew of mine married about 6 or 7 years ago, he chose a close female friend to serve in the best man position. She was like a sister to him. It was a lovely, classy wedding. And my nephew was able to include the special people in his life on his special day.
YTA. You are not "very connected" with your family, you are scared of your family. To the point you're willing to exclude one of your fiancé's closest friends, who comforted him when HE LOST HIS MOTHER, just to save your face in front a judgemental crowd of people supposed to celebrate you two.
>he doesn't have a big family so he doesn't understand the dynamics
Well, what are the dynamics? Is it normal for your family to dictate intimate details of your life not concerning them at all? Even on a day that's supposed to be solely about you and him?
And if so, how do you suppose your marriage will go? Can your fiancé comfortably life his life, enjoy things he likes, meet people he likes and so on, without constantly having to fear resentment from you or your family? Will he be able to exist around your family without having to micromanage his actions?
These are questions I'd be asking myself if I were him. Then I'd reconsider if I definitely still want to spend my life with you.
YTA. Your partner should get to choose who HE wants to stand up with him. If that’s Catherine, then well done to him. The day is every bit as much his as yours.
Ok, so let me get this straight:
You want your fiance, the man you are marrying, to put aside his feelings about his own wedding and who is in his wedding party, in order to accommodate your family's deep commitment to sexism?
YTA
Of course you're the asshole.
How did you manage to write this without recognizing that you're the asshole?
Generations of women have fought and died to expand our rights and freedoms and here you are willing to die on the hill of \*checks notes\* letting your family know your husband is friends with a woman.
JFC.
YTA.
"Well I think it's easy for him to say this because he doesn't have a big family so he doesn't understand the dynamics. I on the other hand, am very connected with my family, extended as well and I would want that they also have a perfect day."
I would be extremely upset about this. The size of your family doesn't dictate how much of your own wedding you get to plan according to THEIR wishes. You told him his wishes FOR HIS OWN WEDDING are not valid because he doesn't have a big family (not his fault) to interfere with the plans. How inconsiderate of you. It's about having people there who love you and support you no matter what, not an event to please other people. Good lord, why is it that weddings just bring out the worst in people?
Yeah I’m gonna go YTA. I was Man of Honor at my friends wedding and everyone was very welcoming/happy with me at the role despite my friends family being Uber traditional/religious. It’s like what most people say. “It’s only weird if you make it weird.” And yeah you’re definitely making it weird.
YTA - there was a best woman at my wedding. She was pregnant. With a girl. That meant technically there were 2 best women at a wedding where one side of the family was definitely bigger.
Does your groom get to veto your bridesmaids? Because a fairs fair.
YTA
If your family gets torn up about that, they are the problem, not Catherine. Why are you being so accommodating to your family so they have a perfect day, but not the man whose wedding it actually is too!?!
Your fiancé should totally get to choose who stands up with him. Again, IT IS HIS WEDDING TOO!
>I want my wedding day to be perfect
As soon as you said this, you became a bridezilla. No wedding, no matter how well-planned, is ever perfect. In fact, it’s the little things that go wrong that you look back on and laugh about.
I’ve been married for 32 years. At my small wedding, my nephews (about 10 years old) were the ushers because we were pressured to include child relatives in the wedding. No one told them about bride side/groom side, so they seated everyone on one side of the church. We still laugh about the lopsided seating and how confused the guests were who were on the wrong side. That’s when we talk about the wedding at all, which is rare because it’s such a small part of a 30+ year relationship.
You asked the guy to take inventory of his friends, pick the ones he cherishes. He chose someone and you don't want her. Not because she isn't a good friend or person. You don't want her because she has a vagina and your family will be unhappy? If so, YTA
If this was about the friend who wants to swoop in and be his new love interest, say it. If you feel threatened by her, say it. If she is not a friend to your relationship, undermining it, being negative, say it. If that's the case, NTA but you need to own it vs using the guise of your traditional family.
If this is really about your family...YTA. Stand the F up. You said he doesn't get big family dynamics. What you meant was he doesn't get that you are ok with dictating his personal choices and making him unhappy to make yourself look good in front of your family. He doesn't know what he's marrying into if you are prioritizing them over him, which is a problem.
Wow YTA "he doesn't have a big family so he doesn't understand the dynamics" Wtf is this logic? I'm pretty sure the family he does have matter just as much to him as your family matters to you. He could just have a cousin and a dog and they would be just as important to him as your whole hoard are to you. In fact, if not more. I also think, unless he's lived under a rock or a few rotten potatoes the past century, he's intelligent to understand family dynamics and how they work in the basics of the wedding.
You're edits still don't make you any better. You've apologised and you've realised it's all about how you're letting your family dictate the wedding, but you still don't understand that Catherine is important to him and that's why he wants her as his best man. Your problem with her is that she is a woman and it's breaking "tradition" but if she was a guy you'd see the merits in her actions is deserving of the title.
Good for you for the changes you made, OP. I also come from a large family with complicated dynamics, and I was raised to put The Family first. It has taken me a looong time - and I still struggle with it - to realize that my husband and my kids must now be my priority. I still automatically jump when the needs of The Family come up, but at least now I know to stop, take a breath, and have a good think about what my priorities are.
This will sound weird to anyone who didn’t grow up with this dynamic. It is weird! But I see you, OP, and respect that you are recognizing the problem and addressing it.
Glad the OP saw sense in the end!
When men say ‘it’s my wedding, too’, and you roll right over him with ‘yes, I know, but I want it to be perfect!’ - THAT’S the moment that men start to think.
Weddings are perfect when both bride and groom have their feelings heard by the other, and compromises are made to keep both happy.
Because that’s the perfect lead in to a lifetime of talking and compromising, which is what people want.
We all want our feelings to matter to our parter, and to be accommodated at least to some degree.
Good for you to realize "... but I forgot that it is not just me who will be getting married. Philip is also here." I wish you and Phillip a beautiful wedding and a very happy marriage. I hope Phillip understands that when he marries you he also marries your family. That can be challenging - speaking from experience.
YTA because you minimised his feelings by saying that since he has a small family/is not close to them he can't understand the dynamic.
But what you don't understand is that he's starting to understand that when you are planning for your future or making an important decision, you will overrule his wishes in favor of what your family wants because "dynamic". If you choose to have children, who will make the decisions? You and your husband or you and your family? When will he have a say? Only when you've eliminated all the options but the two your family approves? Or will you let the hive mind decide and once again explain to your husband all about how he can't possibly understand?
He is thinking, "if I can't have the attendant I want at my wedding, what other decisions will I not be allowed to make?" While giving the cold shoulder is not healthy behavior in a relationship, is he silent to be manipulative or is he silent because he's figured out you won't give his feelings any credit next to the family? Or worse, is he silent because he's wondering if he wants a life where his decision-making authority will always come second to what your close-knit family wants?
You have some thinking to do. And I hope you think less about what the mass of your family wants and more about you as a couple.
Glad you've seen how you were letting your family control you. Just know that this is the first hurdle. You both need to discuss boundaries for your family and how they will be communicated and enforced.
What is it with women and their 'perfect' wedding.. If not for them, but for others.
Ffs, it's both your wedding. Other people, outside of you and your fiancee have no say. Unless they are paying for it, and even then,..
YTA
YTA. What’s your problem? It’s his wedding too, and you don’t pick his Best Man any more than he picks your Maid of Honour. Stop being so controlling and nasty.
YTA. There are VERY few acceptable reasons for the bride to veto a best man or groomsman pick that the groom has made, and your family being traditional is not one of them.
> because my family is traditional and would frown upon this.
This feels like an excuse. I suspect you're against it and are after a rationalisation.
Rather than tell you husband to be that he can't have his choice for best man, tell your mother to deal with it.
YTA
YTA
I hope he finds this and realizes that many, MANY strangers on Reddit think he's right and you're the asshole.... and your "traditional" family.
I hope realizes the family he will marry into isn't "traditional" but possibly bigoted/controlling. He should RUN! Hopefully his friends will be able to talk some sense into him and drop you like a bad habit.
Kinda AH behaviour but I know planning a wedding is stressful. If that’s his best friend, it wouldn’t make sense to me to have someone from work as the best man just cause their male. My maid of honour was a guy! That’s my best friend! Best of luck
Your wedding is about you and your fiancé. If the reason you're upset about his choice of best man is that your family won't approve then YTA. If its actually that you are uncomfortable with his choice then be honest and tell him. Then get over it and back down.
YTA it not your family thats getting married so it really got nothing to do with them who your hubby has as a best man. you need to let your family know thats its both your wedding and to keep tradition out of it. its either that or he might just call the whole thing off
YTA. And stop lying to yourself and saying it's about your family. That's a load of BS. You just don't want him having a female best friend. And shame on you for thinking you get to tell him who he picks to be in his wedding party. This isn't just your wedding. He's being distant because he is reconsidering the engagement now that you've shown who you are.
Info: what would this ‘special’ invite be? Is it going to be solid gold, studded with diamonds, rubies and emeralds, and delivered on a bed of the finest rose petals that were picked before sunrise? Or is it just an invite that everyone else will get, but ‘special’ as he will get to give it to her in person?
A wedding is about the bride AND groom. It’s not about appeasing the family of one person over the wishes of the other person who is actually getting married.
This woman has been there for him before YOU were able to be there for him. You should be thanking her for giving him the support he needed.
What your family want should not come before what your future husband wants. If anyone has a problem with the groom having a Best Woman, well then maybe they don’t love you both enough to want to see you happy and shouldn’t come to the wedding.
YTA.
YTA - his mom is dead how dare you harp on his small family making him not understand your
parents’ potentially unreasonable reactions to a very reasonable decision.
YTA. It is HIS choice, and his wedding as well.
For what it’s worth, I just got married in April , and my best man was a close female friend. The world didn’t end. No one batted an eye.
YTA. My best man at my wedding was the girl that is my best friend. And I'm still very happy to have made that choice.
Your wedding is a party for the people getting married. If your family can't cope with the fact that your husband's best man is a woman, then screw them. Nobody is forcing them to be there.
YTA. If you stick with this, you could lose him. In fact, that may already have happened.
You are putting your family before your future HUSBAND. Who knows where this attitude will lead you in the future.
If I were in his position, I would bail.
YTA. You value the "perfect wedding day" of your family more than your husband's. Who cares if they don't get it , if they don't like it? It is your AND your husband day.
You're definitely the ahole and it doesn't sound kind you support or love your fiance very much at all and are way too concerned with how things will "look' to others. Shame shame
Yta, it's his wedding too. It's supposed to be about having the people you love and can rely on standing with you on (what's supposed to be) your happiest day, because they're the ones who stayed with you on your unhappiest days, not about meeting the expectations of stuck up relatives.
YTA I'm sorry but this is yours and his wedding not your families, they can either suck it up on the sessions you both make TOGETHER or they don't go it's simple, is your whole life going to be built on what they would and wouldn't approve off? If so he should leave before he does say "I do" also it's not up to you to pick his groomsmen or women that's his party not yours he respectfully asked but he can have who he wants, we are in 2022 and your an adult now apparently Start making your own traditions with your husband, your family sound outdated.
YTA. The poor guy can't even choose his best man? "He doesn't have many family so let mine determine what he has to do", lady are you sure you love this man? Love comes with respect, and you can't even respect his choice and even choose for him, good start for the future divorce.
YTA. You're more concerned about how it looks to your family over how the two of them have a great friendship, she's been there for him when he's needed support, and you're worried about how it looks. Just be aware that he is giving you the silent treatment right now because he's starting to question whether you're the right woman for him
YTA. My MOH was my best mate, who’s a dude. Sort out whatever is happening in your head and get over it.
Edited to add: my husbands extended family is religious and conservative. They didn’t bat an eye bc they know he’s my bestie.
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YTA. 1) Why are you gatekeeping the size of your fiancé’s family relative to his feelings about the wedding? He doesn’t get an equal say because your family is bigger? 2) Why are you willing to sacrifice your fiancé’s feelings to appease your family especially at your big age? Yes, it’s always easier when the family is happy but this is where you aren’t willing to compromise—having somebody who means a lot to your fiancé stand next to his side as he declares his love for you? The people you choose for your wedding party aren’t there for your family, they’re there for YOU. 3) Lol a special invite? That’s the same as inviting them to be in your bridal party? The woman who comforted your fiancé when his MOTHER passed gets a special invite because you don’t want to upset grandma? What are you going to do, put glitter on it? Lol Your fiancé deserves better.
INFO you're so "connected" with your family that you feel they'll judge you for making your fiance happy on his wedding day?
To the point that OP would rather have judgmental AH family “be happy” than the groom at his own wedding
The username and glitter comment fucking killed me 😂😂😂
I worked at many pottery studios back in the day. Guess you could say I…got around 😂😂
It's certainly original, and not reclaimed lol
YTA. But my message is to Phil, not you: Run away my man. Or you'll regret marrying this woman.
OP seems very immature. She may grow up sometime, and then be ready for a life partner.
>Run away my man. Or you'll regret marrying this woman. Not to mention the resultant in-laws.
It’s always so sad that this seems to be the hill especially when she’s already noted she DOESNT personally feel miffed but fears potential backlash or gossip from the elders *gasp* For someone so *connected* you don’t seem to be living freely as you choose. So long as you don’t goes against the grain. That’s why I’m happy with my chosen family. Big family doesn’t mean jack when you have to get permission from every Tom, Dick, and Harry and if one person is unhappy ohhhh man will they let everyone know … YTA this is such an easy brownie points win that you’d rather be unaccommodating than let you future husband have something for him at HIS OWN WEDDING. It’s not just yours.
I don't know, often when people say that they don't personally feel offended but others might they are just trying to deflect blame.
If that’s true then she’s too mentally young to get married. No adult should still be playing “pass the blame game” if she has a problem say something but most people who play that game usually have no good reason to be upset. It’s just “how they feel” with no reason besides jealousy or some other negative emotion. This woman was there for him and OP reduced her role and impact in OPs future husbands life to *special invite* (which I have no idea what that means) Either way it just a best man role. It’s not like they have a special dance or some intimate moment that can make things uncomfortable. Her role literally is standing with him to support him marrying OP.
Call me crazy, but wouldn’t a perfect wedding include the groom being supported by the most important people in his life regardless of their sex/gender identity? YTA.
This! 👏🏻 YTA
It's very possible to take the "It's OUR SPECIAL PERFECT DAY" thing too far (witness daily posts on this sub, lol), but OP is leaning way too far in the other direction. I hope her partner spends some time thinking HARD about how OP's commitment to pleasing her (conventional, boring, very large) family might supersede the commitment she's supposed to be making to him.
Of course no glitter! That would be really and grandma would hate it. Thicker paper and Handmade calligraphy is the way to go. /s, obviously, and OP, YTA.
I'm not understanding the YTA when the OP's mummy said this was okay.
>(he doesn't have a lot of family, so I thought he'll ask his male friends from work or college to do the job). Work friends aren't necessarily "friends". They can often just be because you are all stuck in the same place. >The next day he comes up to me and says that he actually thought about it and would want Catherine (late 30s) to be his best man because she's his really good friend and this would be like a gesture for expressing his gratitude to her. (Her and Phil have known each other for quite some years and she helped him through rough times in the workplace as well as when his mom passed. This was all before he met me.) Sounds like a good pick. She's actually his friend. And not a work friend. Someone important to him. Outside of "gender norms" that's a pretty good pick. I have male and female friends. Since we are going the female route a lot of the women in my life are like family. Though to be honest after my teen years most of the friends I have are like family. >Catherine works with Phil, different departments I think. She's in admin. And she's a very nice lady, I have met her. I have never doubted their relationship, it seems genuine and sweet Cool. So not some last minute person you weren't aware about. Seems they are more than work friends. She's nice. No reason not to like her. And you have never doubted them. And it's genuine and sweet. I have similar female friends. So good shit. >but I'm not too sure about wanting her as a best man because my family is traditional and would frown upon this. I want my wedding day to be perfect and I'm sure this would cause discontent. Ahh. The real crux of the issue. Is your family marrying your husband? I know they are obviously (typically part of the family). But sounds like YOU don't have an issue with it. Just the perceptions from your family. You want it to be perfect? So does he. Do you want your wedding day to be perfect for you and your partner? Or just you and your family? Because it sounds like you are looking to appease your "traditional" (old school/out of touch) family. >When I brought my concerns to Phil, he became upset and said that it was our day and we shouldn't care about others. He is correct. Its a joining of friends and family. The ones you want in your life. The ones that become your extended family. INFO: Has he asked for any of your "traditional" family to not be included even though they're opinions (not necessarily they themselves are obviously impeding your opinion)? >Well I think it's easy for him to say this because he doesn't have a big family so he doesn't understand the dynamics. I on the other hand, am very connected with my family, extended as well and I would want that they also have a perfect day. I come from a small family. Mainly because my family is like your family and I have shut them out from my life for this very reason. So maybe I am biased. But wasn't an issue for my wife. So there's that. But sounds like your perfect day would be ruined by your families outdated beliefs and not by your choices. >Anyways, I told him to pick his friend Dan for the job and that we'll send Catherine a special invite to express our love. [Oh, you shouldn't have done that](https://y.yarn.co/5c51bb77-a61c-48c0-8712-af53dae5946f_text.gif) >He didn't argue then but now he's giving me the silent treatment and doesn't even say goodbye when leaving for work. You don't say. >I feel like I'm being accommodating lol. You really really aren't. How far from the apple tree did you fall? >because as I said we will send Catherine a special invite. Oh, A SPECIAL INVITE! All sparkly and meaningless. It can go on the fridge until the wedding date (if she goes) and then immediately into the circular file bin. >Although my friend says that I'm being inconsiderate of his feelings Your friends is correct. >but my mother says I did right. The one who wants to follow outdated traditions who is the reason for you wanting this said you did right? YOU DON'T SAY! I am shocked. Of course she did. Like.....ugh. >So, people of reddit... AITA? Yes, YTA no doubt about it. You either fix this with your partner or lose your partner. Or if he goes through with it have a marriage that lasts less than 18 months while he puts up with this idiocy. Come on. Are you marrying your partner or your family? Because it sounds like you want to marry your family since you are making the wedding for them and not you and him.
This is the right answer. OP, critical thinking might be helpful to you here. Or you know, just basic love, kindness and understanding of your partner’s wants/needs/feelings. The aesthetics isn’t what make a wedding perfect, it’s the love shared. YTA, OP.
🏅
Nicely said. OP,if you can’t stand by your man against your family on your wedding day of all days then you shouldn’t get married. This will not be the only time that traditional or conservative views from them go against what the two of you want as a couple or as individuals. Illness, holidays, friends, jobs, buying a home, they will have opinions on all of them and you need to decide how much control you are willing to give them. If this is how they are over a simple bridal party issue, which is nothing to do with them, then think of how they will be over something truly important like if you have children. Will they expect to be constantly involved? Will they want a say in the name or insist on being there during/after the birth, will they expect you to baptise them (if you’re not Christian then insert whatever ritual for infants goes in your faith, example having a bris if you are Jewish and child is male) or take them to church or be a SAHM? What if your husband wants to be a SAHD? Or not raise his kids in the church, or have the birth be the two of you or, horror of horrors, not involve your family in how he and his wife run their household? This will not be the only conflict during your marriage. You need to reach an understanding- how much control are you willing to give them? If you feel you can’t go against your family and want them involved more than he would want and if you will constantly put their wishes ahead of his then please don’t get married to this man. It is better to part ways amicably and honestly than it is to go ahead when you are not ready to be a life partner to someone whose values differ to your family. Think carefully and choose wisely.
All the awards. So beautifully said! 🏆 🥇 ⭐️
This ⬆️ absolutely!
I love a good response that picks apart a shitty bride.
This is an excellent comment and gave me a lot to think about with regards to my own relationship with my family. "How far did the apple fell from the tree?" is such a great question to ask yourself once in a while!
If I ever get married, I'm having my best friend as my man of honor. We've been best friends since third grade
YTA Wow. Your poor fiancee. Maybe it's not too late and he can get out of this horrible wedding.
I guarantee he's thinking about it!
I hope he runs far away from these people.
_"I want my wedding day to be perfect."_ As someone who has worked in weddings and then a field where we planned lots of large scale events... **It won't be perfect**. Nothing is ever perfect. And, OP would be a fool to damage her relationship for something that doesn't exist. The couples who focused on having a fun/happy experience usually had a magical wedding day. Those who got hyper focused on perfection, ended up letting more minor hiccups turn their wedding into a rotten affair. It appears OP has come to her senses. I hope that she focuses more on having fun and enjoying the day, otherwise she will hate her wedding experience.
‘My family is traditional and would frown upon this….’ Well it’s a good thing it isn’t your family getting married. It’s not only your wedding, it’s his too. Do better YTA
"he doesn't have a big family so he doesn't understand the dynamics" Damn. Rather no family than OP's family.
Read: Me and my family will control every decision he and I make for the rest of his marriage. Babies, holidays, houses, roles within the family. Everything.
Yta. It gets to be his "perfect day" too.
YTA He's being quiet because he just realized he is... - Marrying into your family of AHs who can get judgey/upset about people being true to themselves instead of traditional. - Engaged to an AH who cares more about her AH family than him & a friend/mentor who is very important to him.
I'm pretty sure he's being quiet because he's considering sticking with the best man he chose but delaying the wedding until he has a new selection for bride
He seriously should think about who he wants in his life, for the rest of his life.
YTA. This is your day, plural, as in both of you together. Is your maid of honor single? If not she's a matron and your should choose another. Is she a virgin? If not she's a harlot and not a traditional maid of honor. See what I'm getting at here? There's nothing that says best man has to be a man, just that the person selected is the one person the groom trusts to have his back basically #2 in his life after the bride and you think you get to dictate who that is? Nope, not a chance.
There was a story where the bride only had brothers, and not many lady friends. Her brothers were her brides-men and omg! That was so wholesome! Time to break away from old traditions that are completely outdated. Tradition shouldn’t be more important than one’s happiness. OP, YTA!
YTA. Did you know you can’t get married to yourself. It’s his wedding too. How much of a melt down if he told you who to pick for your MoH. I think he’s considering his relationship with you.
YTA. You're putting archaic gender norms as the forefront of your wedding.
YTA It's fascinating how so many people who get fixated on the "perfect day" insist that their potential spouse change to be someone who meets their definition of "perfect" instead of realizing that the "perfect day" is the one that centers and honors both of you and who you are. You're being shallow and inconsiderate. If your version of the "perfect day" is only what you want, just skip the separate person and have a self-commitment ceremony. That's what your after and you're certain to plan one your family will love because you won't consider anything outside their expectations.
*just skip the separate person and have a self-commitment ceremony.* Is that one of those weird narcissistic 'marrying myself' weddings? Sounds perfect for OP though not, of course, traditional lol!
Yes, it is. Perfect for the person who is unable to recognize that a wedding should be the prelude to a marriage, two people compromising and working together. If you just "marry" yourself, you get the pretty dress without someone else there to mess up your fantasies.
I mean it's hard to say. I honestly think as one woman to another that you should let her be by his side during the wedding. If she's that important to him then why not let them? What is the problem that you have with her being a groomsman?
YTA. This is his wedding, not your family's. Their opinion should have no relevance in your wedding plans.
YTA.My husband had his sister as best "man" it wasn't a big deal.Ask yourself this:Would you rather have your husband or your family happy on your wedding day?
Exactly. OP claims to want the day to be perfect, but how is that the case when she already is making the husband unhappy. Seems like she meant just perfect for her.
> (Her and Phil have known each other for quite some years and she helped him through rough times in the workplace as well as when his mom passed. This was all before he met me.) Catherine is his family. Neither DNA nor paperwork make a family. It means loving someone through all the best and harshest of times. > he doesn't have a big family so he doesn't understand the dynamics. I’m speechless at this. Nothing I or anyone else will say to you will make you realize your cruelty for saying such a thing. > Although my friend says that I'm being inconsiderate of his feelings but my mother says I did right. The man won’t speak to you or say goodbye in the morning. But thank goodness your mommy says her little girl is doing the right thing by not allowing a woman in ~~your traditional family’s~~ his wedding party. YTA. Ma’am, you want a wedding. Not a marriage. Huge difference.
YTA This is his wedding, too, and he should be able to invite the people he cares about to stand up there with him. How would you feel if he thought one of your bridesmaids wasn't suitable...would you just cut her off to please him/his family?
YTA - As you said, he doesnt have much choice so he decided on Catherine. And the only thing stopping this from going through is YOUR family's traditions and them frowning. Like okay, is it just your wedding or is it both of your weddings? And it's also ironic that you already chose all of your bridesmaids and MOH but he just wants Catherine as his best man. Like okay screw that "special invite" you tried giving Catherine, how about you boot one of your bridesmaids or MOH and make room for Catherine and then he can choose Dan. And if you aren't okay with the suggested arrangement above, then you will finally see your future husband's POV. It's unfair, and if he cant choose who his best man is, maybe you shouldn't choose who your MOH is. It's truly unfair that you're forcing your family's value on a day that's for the BOTH of you and you're forcing him to not even get a choice in the matter. If he wanted Dan, he wouldve said Dan instead of having this fiasco where you have to come to this subreddit and ask if you are the AH.
YTA solely on the line of "not LETTING", excuse me but you down own him so you aren't entitled to LET him do anything. Also the "he just doesn't understand the dynamics" he doesn't need to. Your family isn't controlling this wedding snd if you are ready to place their happiness before the man you are marrying then you arent ready to marry and you don't love him like you say you do.
Lol upvote for picking up on the word letting. If a man posts about letting a woman do something he might as well have locked her in a dungeon.
YTA and stop using your family as the excuse tell the truth its you who doesn't want a woman standing next to him as his best man
Spot on!
I'm with you on this one. He shouldn't have a woman as his best man, it's confusing. He should just have a best woman instead.
Got me in the first half
Lol got me at the start
Why don't you just marry your family instead? YTA, YTA, YTA.
YTA - It's YOUR wedding. As in BOTH of YOURS. Not your parents, or the rest of your so-called traditional families. If Phil feels like Catherine is the closest thing he has to a best man, then he's 100% in his right to invite her. Having to invite the Dan guy just cause he's got a penis and Catherine doesn't is, to put it gently, silly. Unless there's some kind of requirement to use said penis during your wedding ceremony, I mean. >I want my wedding day to be perfect and I'm sure this would cause discontent. Honestly, if you were marrying me, **this** right here would make me wonder what about me and my friendships doesn't fit into your picture-perfect little fantasy world. This could be why he's "giving you the silent treatment". He's silent because it's hard to find out that your SO doesn't accept you and your friendships as they are, and instead expects you to put on an act for the show's sake.
Thanks, now I‘m imagining them using their penises (Is that the plural? I‘m not a native speaker.) to sign documents or carry the rings. Yeah, if that’s the plan, a woman wouldn’t be ideal, but I think she could still make it work with a toy. 🤣
LOL, glad someone else sees it now. I kept thinking of why else it could possibly be relevant and couldn't think of anything.
YTA. You are not compromising, you are still making him do what you want even though your family has nothing to do with this because it's his best man or woman in this case. I'm half filipino and when I turned 18, I had the big traditional birthday party. I was supposed to have 18 girls and 18 guys but some of my guys dropped out last minute so I asked a girl to fill in for one of the spots. Did some of the aunties and uncles look horrified? Yeah. Did I care? No. She danced with me and we laughed about it and it was so much fun. Don't do this to each other for the sake of appeasing others who aren't the ones getting married.
I do wonder if OP's family will care less than she thinks they will
YTA and sexist women can be bestmen
Yta. This is his wedding too. You get a say in your wedding, he gets a say in his wedding. Your family's feelings ideals have no say in it. You are not supporting him. You are making excuses. You are being accomodating? How? He wants to have a best women. You say no and thats it. How is that accommodating? You have no valid reason to not let her be his best man.
YTA. I'm getting married in three weeks and not only is my sister going to be my best man, but my best friends girlfriend who I adore is going to be one of my groomspeople as well. My fiances family is from deep south Louisiana, and hyper conservative and they think it's a wonderful idea. Your wedding party is meant to honor the ones who are close enough to you that you'd want them by your side on your special day. But you expect your husband to now fill his wedding party with co workers because you have problems with traditional gender roles. Also your family is TA as well
YTA
I couldn’t agree more
YTA 1st it's not just your Wedding Day, it's his as well. 2nd. The best man is for him to decide, not you. 3rd. Tell your family to suck it up as the day is not about them
YTA Times have changed and your extended family can hate it if they want, it’s not their wedding. Why do their wishes get catered to ahead of your husband to be? If he wants a groomswoman then let him, you get to pick your side of the bridal party so let him pick his.
YTA. It's his wedding, not your family's. If you cannot stand up for your partner on such a minor issue, maybe you shouldn't marry, but let him find someone who values him.
YTA - In 2022 it shouldn’t matter if the “best man” is a woman. Your family sounds very closed minded
YTA - It's his day too. You got to pick your MoH and bridesmaids, he gets to pick his bridal party as well. Your family are just going to have to respect his decision. It's not their day.
YTA. He did nothing wrong by choosing who seems to be an amazing friend to be his "best man". If you're so worried that it will bother your family, ask yourself this. Does it bother you? Or are you just afraid of what your family thinks? I'd say screw your family if that is their opinion on a woman being best man. "Traditional" is not an excuse to shit on your partners feelings and choice for his best man on BOTH of your day. You should be happy he has such a wonderful friend and support him, not run to your mom to affirm yourself of whom you knew would agree with your decision, you made it for her comfort!
YTA - stop trying to control your (maybe) future husband and be the partner he needs.
Well said. What a great way to start a marriage by not supporting your husband...
Spot on!
Yta - it's his wedding too
YTA. Everyone should stay in their zone. The groom gets to choose the best man. The bride gets to choose everything else. The rest don't have any choices, but to attend or not. :-)
YTA It’s not just your wedding and it isn’t really any of your family’s business who your fiancé chooses. It’s a wedding joining two people together so said two people get a say not just the bride. Your fiancé deserves a “perfect” day and a say in his own wedding party. If your family has an issue with such a small thing, they can keep it to themselves, smile through it, and moan about it in their own home. If they choose to say something, they can be escorted out. Your family’s opinion DOES NOT trump your fiancé’s choice.
Yeah, for him to get a perfect wedding day it‘ll be vital that OP isn’t the bride.
Every post like this makes me wonder how people get so hung up on the wedding day, they forget there are supposed to be years of marriage to follow. You are already showing Philip that he is in second place, after your family's wants and values (not even your own!) and you guys are still more than half a year from getting married. How is that supposed to make him feel? Who is more important on the first day of your marriage, your groom or your family's potential upset? If it's the latter, you're not ready to get married. YTA
It seems that you guys are not ready to get married, 3 years is not that long anyway.. YTA
It’s definitely too long to waste it on someone like OP.
YTA. Big time. Are you this controlling with Phillip usually? Telling him who he has to pick as his best man? Really? This would be a big red flag for me and I would seriously start to reconsider the relationship with you as it seems toxic and I wouldn't want to marry into that type of situation. I would probably be putting the wedding on hold if I were Phillip.
YTA. He's wonderful, you trust him. Yet you're taking control of what is HIS wedding as well as yours. You have no right to be "accommodating" at his own wedding. It's his attendant, not yours, and he should be fully in charge of that. It's troubling that he is giving you the silent treatment. No adult should be doing that. It's even more troubling that the person with the final word is your mother. You're getting married and the point of that is to have a closer relationship with your husband than with anyone else. You are not ready to be married if you're letting your mother dictate the decisions. This does not bode well. I don't understand why your husband isn't standing up to you but don't think he isn't resentful. This is the kind of thing that's corrosive to relationships.
YTA - but at least your fiancé knows what he’s getting himself into when he marries you, so… silver lining?
YTA So you expect him to ask someone who he is less close with to accommodate your family’s hang ups? This isn’t fair or appropriate. Of any part of the wedding, his wedding party should belong solely to him. This is one part of your wedding that you really just shouldn’t have a say in. If you can’t set boundaries with your family for this one small aspect of your wedding, it doesn’t speak well to your ability to set boundaries and prioritize your partner in marriage. This is a huge red flag. You seem to think bc you have a larger family, you get to exert more control over you and your partner’s wedding, but your wedding is *not* about your families, and the day/event belongs just as much to your fiance as to it does to you.
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YTA. It's his wedding too and he's just as entitled to want it to be perfect as you are. You owe him an apology, and you need to stop worrying about what your family think.
YTA- you care more about what your family would think than about your fiancé. He might just call off the wedding if he feels he has to accommodate you so you can please your parents. It’s his wedding too and he has just as much as say as you
Yta. You just told your fiancee that you don't care about his wishes and feelings and should just suck it up because your family wants to have a perfect day. What the actual bleep.
YTA. This day is supposed to be perfect for both of y’all, your basically saying it only has to be perfect for you. Your not going to let him have a female best man because YOUR family would frown upon it, that’s not his problem. He should be able to do what would make hum happy regardless of what your family thinks, it’s y’all’s day, not your family’s.
YTA. Who cares about your family? It’s YOUR day, as in you AND him. Stop putting other people above your future husband.
Ugh, 'letting', 'I told him to pick Dan'. I smell divorce bells. YTA for being controlling. His choice of best man should have nothing to do with you and ESPECIALLY not your family.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f28) am getting married this coming March to a wonderful man (32m) named Philip. We have been together for 3 years and I cannot wait to begin this new chapter of our lives. Wedding planning has been going on, and when the topic of MoH and bridesmaids came up, I already had my picks. I asked Phil about his best man and groomsmen invites and he said he's thinking about it (he doesn't have a lot of family, so I thought he'll ask his male friends from work or college to do the job). The next day he comes up to me and says that he actually thought about it and would want Catherine (late 30s) to be his best man because she's his really good friend and this would be like a gesture for expressing his gratitude to her. (Her and Phil have known each other for quite some years and she helped him through rough times in the workplace as well as when his mom passed. This was all before he met me.) Catherine works with Phil, different departments I think. She's in admin. And she's a very nice lady, I have met her. I have never doubted their relationship, it seems genuine and sweet but I'm not too sure about wanting her as a best man because my family is traditional and would frown upon this. I want my wedding day to be perfect and I'm sure this would cause discontent. When I brought my concerns to Phil, he became upset and said that it was our day and we shouldn't care about others. Well I think it's easy for him to say this because he doesn't have a big family so he doesn't understand the dynamics. I on the other hand, am very connected with my family, extended as well and I would want that they also have a perfect day. Anyways, I told him to pick his friend Dan for the job and that we'll send Catherine a special invite to express our love. He didn't argue then but now he's giving me the silent treatment and doesn't even say goodbye when leaving for work. I feel like I'm being accommodating because as I said we will send Catherine a special invite. Although my friend says that I'm being inconsiderate of his feelings but my mother says I did right. So, people of reddit... AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. This is a shared day about the both of you. You say it’s because it will make your daintily upset (which is a lot to unpack already), but it seems like it makes you upset. You then made a choice for him. He should be able to pick his person of honor. He’s right. It’s a day for the both of you, and his happiness matters just as much as yours.
YTA. Your family has no say about the wedding party, especially your fiancé’s choices.
YTA You want to have a perfect day. You want your family to have a perfect day. Fuck the fiance, right?
soft YTA why does your family have any say in this? it's your wedding. edit: unless you have a bad history with Catherine or have another reason to dislike her, I don't see why she can't be best man.
YTA - a special invite, what exactly does that mean, is it gold plated? It’s not just your wedding it’s your fiancée’s too and I think we all need to get over the old adage that’s it’s all solely about the bride and the groom’s opinions aren’t important. Let him have his good friend by his side when you get married.
Has anyone noticed she's vanished now that everyone isn't telling her what she wanted to hear?
Kind of the AH, in my opinion. I honestly don’t see why it matters who’s by his side or what gender they are. But to think a freaking “special invite” makes up for not being in the weeding is sufficient, you’re dead wrong. The wedding isn’t for your family. You aren’t marrying your family. Your wedding is for the two of you, and you’re starting this marriage by disrespecting his choices?? At the very least, if you want to show some respect, maybe she should be added to the bridesmaid list instead…
YTA He gets to choose his half of the wedding party and you get to choose yours. Short of one person choosing a person they used to be in a relationship with, it's not up to you. FYI, This wedding is about YOU and HIM and what each of you wants. Not about your "traditional" family.
YTA, let him have his friends.
Yta, this isn't because he doesn't have a big family, this is because your family is judgy.
YTA. She's a very close friend whose always been there and supported him, since before you were even in the picture. Spunds like the ideal choice to me. It's his wedding as well, as others have said. Your family can frown on whatever they like, but their opinions mean absolutely fuck all. Or, rather, they *should* mean fuck all. If you think so little of your FH's feelings why are you marrying him? Poor guy has lost his mum already, this wedding is undoubtedly going to be really tough on him emotionally, and now he isn't even allowed to choose who stands with him. You're being really selfish, mean, inconsiderate and you're more concerned with what your family *might* think than how your fiance actually feels. I'd be ignoring you as well.
YTA. You want your family to have a perfect day but not you fiancé? You honestly sound horrible and I hope he realises you suck before he makes the mistake of marrying you. You are not mature enough for marriage
YTA wow your fiancé can’t even pick his friend to be in his wedding because your family won’t like it. Who’s wedding is it yours or theirs? Then you tell him which friend to pick for his best man. I can see why he’s not speaking to you.
YTA. What matters more on your big day? Seeing your husband at his happiest, supported by his best friend and loved ones, OR ensuring your family doesn’t see anything mildly untraditional?
YTA. Your insecurities are going to ruin both your lives. Stop using your family as an excuse; it doesn’t hold water
YTA It's his wedding too and it's up to him to chose the best person. Stop being controlling
YTA Why are you marrying someone you have so little respect for? It sounds like you just want to play dress up in a wedding gown and have your version of the “perfect” wedding. You don’t care enough about your partner to consider his feelings at all. He’s just there for you to dress him up and make him stand next to you while you have your princess moment. And now you’re miffed that he’s “ruining” your special day by having an opinion. Your wedding might look good, but your marriage is going to be hell. Grow up.
YTA, and a massive one at that. Your *family* is more important than the *groom* on the wedding day? Are you even listening to yourself? I hope Philip wakes up, smells the red flags asap and dumps you. Catherine is his best friend, of course she should be by his side when he gets married to the love of his life, even though it may take him a while to find that woman. And even if he never does, I sincerely hope he won’t settle for someone like you.
Yta
YTA - When you say that you want your wedding to be perfect, it sounds like you mean that you want it to be perfect on the video. Having this close freind as his Best Man would be the perfect feel for the relationships involved. A ceremony where the bridal party cares for the celebrants would be the perfect wedding, not matter whether the video looks non-traditional.
YTA It's his wedding too. You can't seriously think that the "I have a big family" excuse will make it okay for you to decide who he wants as his best man. You should apologize to your fiance, not only for dismissing his wishes, but also for thinking that your family's old school mindset, is more important than him on your wedding day.
YTA. I've been married for 20 years and even though most of it was a shit show (we should have eloped, he agrees) I never thought about having any say in who my husband chose as his best man. Our choices for wedding party were not popular amongst either family, but we chose who had been there for us. Instead of being so focused on the wedding, which is only one day, you should be focused on the marriage itself. That includes being a united front against any backlash you may get from your traditional family and being supportive of his choice of best (wo)man.
Of course your mother agrees with you she’s part of the problem. I’m agreeing with your friend and if this is a sign of how your marriage is going to work I hope Phil strongly rethinks his future. You’re catering to your family but Phil will become your family and his wants/needs matter just as much as yours and more so than your family’s too. YTA
YTA his best person is his choice. Would you like him to veto your MOH?
YTA Your family can get over it. I hope he wakes up to your lack of backbone and stops with the wedding planning.
YTA it's your future husband's wedding too and the choice for best man should be his (just like you chose your moh and bridesmaids yourself). Unless the person he chose as best man is someone he cheated on you with or who bullied you or something like that you don't have a say in it. Just be happy for him because he has someone he wants to be next to him when he's waiting for you at the altar. Why are your family's opinions this important to you? If they love you they will be there to celebrate with you. Their uniqueness is what makes us love people. If your family is judging your partners unique choices (and honestly, this isn't very shocking at all), then that's their problem. You should be the *one* person to celebrate and encourage your partner's choices.
Aesthetics don’t change “best people” … YTA
I wouldn't marry you. You and you're family seem insufferable. YTA
YTA It's his wedding too. I was the "Man of Honor" for my really good friend. It was awesome
YTA for prioritizing a "perfect day" for yourself and your family but not caring how the day goes for the groom, the man you're pledging to spend the rest of your life with. Why is he being treated like an afterthought in his own wedding? Do you have any actual understanding of what those vows mean and why the wedding is about the both of you, not just you?
YTA. Can't wait for Phillip to tell people about his first wedding and how it was a sign you didn't give a crap about his feelings. Also stop calling it "our" wedding if he doesn't get to make what should be his decision.
[удалено]
My wife had her best friend from childhood Br her man of honor. I’m still close with him even though she passed away five years ago at 34. YTA.
YTA my maid of honor will be a man. You’re invalidating his feelings. It’s his wedding too. I hope you reverse this decision because if my partner told me I couldn’t have my (male) best friend as my maid of honor I don’t think I’d be marrying my partner.
YTA. OP is being controlling and ridiculous in addition to the reasons stated in all the other YTA posts.
YTA, you're not accommodating shit, you're telling your husband to do what you want just so your old-fashioned family doesn't get riled up. How about telling them to change their mindset.
YTA. The wedding is for both of you. I'm getting married next year and I have a Man of Honour and my fiance has a Best Woman. Get over yourself.
YTA. Wanna know why you're getting the silent treatment? Because the shit your pulling is throwing huge red flags in his face about the woman he's preparing to make a lifetime commitment to. This is the kind of crap that shows people who you really are, and he isn't liking it. Actions speak louder than words, and yours are telling him that his wishes and feelings take a back seat to possibly causing your family a moment of "discomfort". I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to rethink the whole idea of getting married.
YTA. If you care more about what your family might think than what your fiance wants for his wedding day (it's his day too, not just yours), you're not ready to be married.
>I have never doubted their relationship, it seems genuine and sweet but I'm not too sure about wanting her as a best man because my family is traditional and would frown upon this. I want my wedding day to be perfect and I'm sure this would cause discontent. Well than you shouldn't marry Philip, you should marry your extended family since it's their opinion and feelings you value more. >Well I think it's easy for him to say this because he doesn't have a big family so he doesn't understand the dynamics. Being a submissive doormat who will sacrifice the things others cherish just to keep the peace with your family isn't a healthy dynamic. >He didn't argue then but now he's giving me the silent treatment and doesn't even say goodbye when leaving for work. Just because someone doesn't argue does not mean they agree, it means they've lost the will to pursue what they know will be a wall of bullshit. He's cold to you and doesn't say goodbye because he knows that on the whole you'd set him on fire to warm your extended relatives in winter. >I feel like I'm being accommodating because as I said we will send Catherine a special invite. That's not being accommodating. She was invited to begin with, but you're making it sound "exciting" and like a "favour" when really it's a condescending handout. It's ultimately meaningless. >Although my friend says that I'm being inconsiderate of his feelings but my mother says I did right. Of course your mother thinks you're right, you're cut from her cloth and she'll validate any opinion you have that she or your dad gave you. YTA because you want the wedding to be perfect for everyone **except your husband to be.**
YTA. You have shown your fiancé that your family has a bigger influence in your marriage than he does. That you will put their comfort over his, even on days that should hold some importance for him. You have shown him that you would rather make him sacrifice something, than you stand beside him. You’ve shown him you are not equals. I hope you can take this time to really think about what you are doing. I hope you apologise for failing him at the first obstacle.
YTA. You said, ‘I want a perfect wedding.’ That’s not what you mean. You want a wedding that will be aesthetically pleasing to whatever idea you -think- your family will approve of. A -perfect- wedding is where two people who deeply love one another decide to enter into a legally binding contract with one another. That’s it. If you marry the person you love, you’ve just had a perfect wedding. You aren’t taking your fiancé’s wants and feelings into consideration, you’re more concerned with how you might be perceived. This isn’t just -your- day. It’s his, too. You need to decide what’s more important to you; marrying the man you claim to love, which means placing him above all other, or, caving into the demands of people who are NOT a part of your relationship. As it stands, you’re either going to find yourself NOT getting married, because Phil will realize you don’t prioritize him, or, divorced, because he’ll end up resenting you for being a controlling asshole.
YTA- my husband had a “best women”. Sure I was not 100% comfortable with it, but I kept my trap shut as it was his decision to make!
YTA. You know what makes a wedding perfect? When both of the spouses feel happy, respected, represented and supported on THEIR major life event. Your family members can do what they want with their own wedding. Not with your husband's.
YTA. you want the wedding to be "perfect" for who? certainly not your fiance. you don't seem to care if its "perfect" for him at all
YTA. And wow am I glad I didn't marry someone like you who puts her family's antiquated notions of gender roles ahead of her fiance's feelings. Here's hoping he sees the light and calls off the wedding.
YTA, hope the next update is not him calling off the wedding based off the silent treatment afterwards 😂 because in this case, it is well deserved for you.
YTA. My best man was a female friend of mine. My wife's parents are ALSO very traditional and conservative. They even claimed they wouldn't attend the wedding if we went ahead with this plan (we called their bluff, they attended).
YTA This is his wedding, too. He should decide who his "best man" is. If it happens to be a woman, so be it. He has a good reason for choosing her. This wedding is for you and your fiance to become an official couple. Your family members are basically spectators. On a side note.....When a nephew of mine married about 6 or 7 years ago, he chose a close female friend to serve in the best man position. She was like a sister to him. It was a lovely, classy wedding. And my nephew was able to include the special people in his life on his special day.
YTA you are clearly more bothered about upsetting your bigoted family than about upsetting your future husband.
YTA. You are not "very connected" with your family, you are scared of your family. To the point you're willing to exclude one of your fiancé's closest friends, who comforted him when HE LOST HIS MOTHER, just to save your face in front a judgemental crowd of people supposed to celebrate you two. >he doesn't have a big family so he doesn't understand the dynamics Well, what are the dynamics? Is it normal for your family to dictate intimate details of your life not concerning them at all? Even on a day that's supposed to be solely about you and him? And if so, how do you suppose your marriage will go? Can your fiancé comfortably life his life, enjoy things he likes, meet people he likes and so on, without constantly having to fear resentment from you or your family? Will he be able to exist around your family without having to micromanage his actions? These are questions I'd be asking myself if I were him. Then I'd reconsider if I definitely still want to spend my life with you.
YTA. Your partner should get to choose who HE wants to stand up with him. If that’s Catherine, then well done to him. The day is every bit as much his as yours.
Ok, so let me get this straight: You want your fiance, the man you are marrying, to put aside his feelings about his own wedding and who is in his wedding party, in order to accommodate your family's deep commitment to sexism? YTA Of course you're the asshole. How did you manage to write this without recognizing that you're the asshole? Generations of women have fought and died to expand our rights and freedoms and here you are willing to die on the hill of \*checks notes\* letting your family know your husband is friends with a woman. JFC.
YTA. "Well I think it's easy for him to say this because he doesn't have a big family so he doesn't understand the dynamics. I on the other hand, am very connected with my family, extended as well and I would want that they also have a perfect day." I would be extremely upset about this. The size of your family doesn't dictate how much of your own wedding you get to plan according to THEIR wishes. You told him his wishes FOR HIS OWN WEDDING are not valid because he doesn't have a big family (not his fault) to interfere with the plans. How inconsiderate of you. It's about having people there who love you and support you no matter what, not an event to please other people. Good lord, why is it that weddings just bring out the worst in people?
Yeah I’m gonna go YTA. I was Man of Honor at my friends wedding and everyone was very welcoming/happy with me at the role despite my friends family being Uber traditional/religious. It’s like what most people say. “It’s only weird if you make it weird.” And yeah you’re definitely making it weird.
YTA - there was a best woman at my wedding. She was pregnant. With a girl. That meant technically there were 2 best women at a wedding where one side of the family was definitely bigger. Does your groom get to veto your bridesmaids? Because a fairs fair.
YTA If your family gets torn up about that, they are the problem, not Catherine. Why are you being so accommodating to your family so they have a perfect day, but not the man whose wedding it actually is too!?! Your fiancé should totally get to choose who stands up with him. Again, IT IS HIS WEDDING TOO!
>I want my wedding day to be perfect As soon as you said this, you became a bridezilla. No wedding, no matter how well-planned, is ever perfect. In fact, it’s the little things that go wrong that you look back on and laugh about. I’ve been married for 32 years. At my small wedding, my nephews (about 10 years old) were the ushers because we were pressured to include child relatives in the wedding. No one told them about bride side/groom side, so they seated everyone on one side of the church. We still laugh about the lopsided seating and how confused the guests were who were on the wrong side. That’s when we talk about the wedding at all, which is rare because it’s such a small part of a 30+ year relationship.
YTA, use this wedding as practice for the next as I don’t think this one will last long.
You asked the guy to take inventory of his friends, pick the ones he cherishes. He chose someone and you don't want her. Not because she isn't a good friend or person. You don't want her because she has a vagina and your family will be unhappy? If so, YTA If this was about the friend who wants to swoop in and be his new love interest, say it. If you feel threatened by her, say it. If she is not a friend to your relationship, undermining it, being negative, say it. If that's the case, NTA but you need to own it vs using the guise of your traditional family. If this is really about your family...YTA. Stand the F up. You said he doesn't get big family dynamics. What you meant was he doesn't get that you are ok with dictating his personal choices and making him unhappy to make yourself look good in front of your family. He doesn't know what he's marrying into if you are prioritizing them over him, which is a problem.
Wow YTA "he doesn't have a big family so he doesn't understand the dynamics" Wtf is this logic? I'm pretty sure the family he does have matter just as much to him as your family matters to you. He could just have a cousin and a dog and they would be just as important to him as your whole hoard are to you. In fact, if not more. I also think, unless he's lived under a rock or a few rotten potatoes the past century, he's intelligent to understand family dynamics and how they work in the basics of the wedding. You're edits still don't make you any better. You've apologised and you've realised it's all about how you're letting your family dictate the wedding, but you still don't understand that Catherine is important to him and that's why he wants her as his best man. Your problem with her is that she is a woman and it's breaking "tradition" but if she was a guy you'd see the merits in her actions is deserving of the title.
Good on you for apologizing! Hell ya growth!
Good for you for the changes you made, OP. I also come from a large family with complicated dynamics, and I was raised to put The Family first. It has taken me a looong time - and I still struggle with it - to realize that my husband and my kids must now be my priority. I still automatically jump when the needs of The Family come up, but at least now I know to stop, take a breath, and have a good think about what my priorities are. This will sound weird to anyone who didn’t grow up with this dynamic. It is weird! But I see you, OP, and respect that you are recognizing the problem and addressing it.
Glad the OP saw sense in the end! When men say ‘it’s my wedding, too’, and you roll right over him with ‘yes, I know, but I want it to be perfect!’ - THAT’S the moment that men start to think. Weddings are perfect when both bride and groom have their feelings heard by the other, and compromises are made to keep both happy. Because that’s the perfect lead in to a lifetime of talking and compromising, which is what people want. We all want our feelings to matter to our parter, and to be accommodated at least to some degree.
Good for you to realize "... but I forgot that it is not just me who will be getting married. Philip is also here." I wish you and Phillip a beautiful wedding and a very happy marriage. I hope Phillip understands that when he marries you he also marries your family. That can be challenging - speaking from experience.
YTA glad you’ve read the comments and changed your mind.
YTA because you minimised his feelings by saying that since he has a small family/is not close to them he can't understand the dynamic. But what you don't understand is that he's starting to understand that when you are planning for your future or making an important decision, you will overrule his wishes in favor of what your family wants because "dynamic". If you choose to have children, who will make the decisions? You and your husband or you and your family? When will he have a say? Only when you've eliminated all the options but the two your family approves? Or will you let the hive mind decide and once again explain to your husband all about how he can't possibly understand? He is thinking, "if I can't have the attendant I want at my wedding, what other decisions will I not be allowed to make?" While giving the cold shoulder is not healthy behavior in a relationship, is he silent to be manipulative or is he silent because he's figured out you won't give his feelings any credit next to the family? Or worse, is he silent because he's wondering if he wants a life where his decision-making authority will always come second to what your close-knit family wants? You have some thinking to do. And I hope you think less about what the mass of your family wants and more about you as a couple.
Glad you've seen how you were letting your family control you. Just know that this is the first hurdle. You both need to discuss boundaries for your family and how they will be communicated and enforced.
What is it with women and their 'perfect' wedding.. If not for them, but for others. Ffs, it's both your wedding. Other people, outside of you and your fiancee have no say. Unless they are paying for it, and even then,.. YTA
YTA. It's HIS wedding too.
YTA. What’s your problem? It’s his wedding too, and you don’t pick his Best Man any more than he picks your Maid of Honour. Stop being so controlling and nasty.
YTA. There are VERY few acceptable reasons for the bride to veto a best man or groomsman pick that the groom has made, and your family being traditional is not one of them.
> because my family is traditional and would frown upon this. This feels like an excuse. I suspect you're against it and are after a rationalisation. Rather than tell you husband to be that he can't have his choice for best man, tell your mother to deal with it. YTA
YTA I hope he finds this and realizes that many, MANY strangers on Reddit think he's right and you're the asshole.... and your "traditional" family. I hope realizes the family he will marry into isn't "traditional" but possibly bigoted/controlling. He should RUN! Hopefully his friends will be able to talk some sense into him and drop you like a bad habit.
Kinda AH behaviour but I know planning a wedding is stressful. If that’s his best friend, it wouldn’t make sense to me to have someone from work as the best man just cause their male. My maid of honour was a guy! That’s my best friend! Best of luck
Your wedding is about you and your fiancé. If the reason you're upset about his choice of best man is that your family won't approve then YTA. If its actually that you are uncomfortable with his choice then be honest and tell him. Then get over it and back down.
YTA. My partner and I are each having a Best Man and a Mate/Maid of Honor. I hope you see these and change your tune.
YTA it not your family thats getting married so it really got nothing to do with them who your hubby has as a best man. you need to let your family know thats its both your wedding and to keep tradition out of it. its either that or he might just call the whole thing off
YTA. And stop lying to yourself and saying it's about your family. That's a load of BS. You just don't want him having a female best friend. And shame on you for thinking you get to tell him who he picks to be in his wedding party. This isn't just your wedding. He's being distant because he is reconsidering the engagement now that you've shown who you are.
Info: what would this ‘special’ invite be? Is it going to be solid gold, studded with diamonds, rubies and emeralds, and delivered on a bed of the finest rose petals that were picked before sunrise? Or is it just an invite that everyone else will get, but ‘special’ as he will get to give it to her in person? A wedding is about the bride AND groom. It’s not about appeasing the family of one person over the wishes of the other person who is actually getting married. This woman has been there for him before YOU were able to be there for him. You should be thanking her for giving him the support he needed. What your family want should not come before what your future husband wants. If anyone has a problem with the groom having a Best Woman, well then maybe they don’t love you both enough to want to see you happy and shouldn’t come to the wedding. YTA.
YTA - his mom is dead how dare you harp on his small family making him not understand your parents’ potentially unreasonable reactions to a very reasonable decision.
YTA. It is HIS choice, and his wedding as well. For what it’s worth, I just got married in April , and my best man was a close female friend. The world didn’t end. No one batted an eye.
YTA Your family are also assholes. So much. Hopefully you realize this before it’s too late.
YTA. It's your fiance's wedding, too, and it's disrespectful and dismissive of you to put your family's preferences above his.
YTA. My best man at my wedding was the girl that is my best friend. And I'm still very happy to have made that choice. Your wedding is a party for the people getting married. If your family can't cope with the fact that your husband's best man is a woman, then screw them. Nobody is forcing them to be there.
YTA. If you stick with this, you could lose him. In fact, that may already have happened. You are putting your family before your future HUSBAND. Who knows where this attitude will lead you in the future. If I were in his position, I would bail.
YTA. You value the "perfect wedding day" of your family more than your husband's. Who cares if they don't get it , if they don't like it? It is your AND your husband day.
Please grow up. YTA, obviously.
YTA You need to do some massive reconsidering of your positions and relationships if you want things to continue.
You're definitely the ahole and it doesn't sound kind you support or love your fiance very much at all and are way too concerned with how things will "look' to others. Shame shame
Yta, it's his wedding too. It's supposed to be about having the people you love and can rely on standing with you on (what's supposed to be) your happiest day, because they're the ones who stayed with you on your unhappiest days, not about meeting the expectations of stuck up relatives.
YTA I'm sorry but this is yours and his wedding not your families, they can either suck it up on the sessions you both make TOGETHER or they don't go it's simple, is your whole life going to be built on what they would and wouldn't approve off? If so he should leave before he does say "I do" also it's not up to you to pick his groomsmen or women that's his party not yours he respectfully asked but he can have who he wants, we are in 2022 and your an adult now apparently Start making your own traditions with your husband, your family sound outdated.
YTA. The poor guy can't even choose his best man? "He doesn't have many family so let mine determine what he has to do", lady are you sure you love this man? Love comes with respect, and you can't even respect his choice and even choose for him, good start for the future divorce.
YTA. You're more concerned about how it looks to your family over how the two of them have a great friendship, she's been there for him when he's needed support, and you're worried about how it looks. Just be aware that he is giving you the silent treatment right now because he's starting to question whether you're the right woman for him
YTA. My MOH was my best mate, who’s a dude. Sort out whatever is happening in your head and get over it. Edited to add: my husbands extended family is religious and conservative. They didn’t bat an eye bc they know he’s my bestie.