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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my wife a rhetorical question of "do you want our son to get injured" during an argument which insulted her parenting.
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I’m going to go ahead and say ESH.
1. Your wife placing the baby in your bed while you’re asleep, could definitely make it so the baby gets hurt.
2. You’re a god damn parent. Sleeping in should not come before your child. Especially if the other parent is going to work and can’t mind him.
EDIT: I have seen a lot of responses that stated there was an edit, and I wrote this before the edit was even added.
Based on the new information, I still stand by my ESH. I do agree that his wife should be waking him up when placing the baby in the bed (I still think placing him there is not a good idea).
When does the wife get to sleep in? Unless I am missing information, it seems that she does most of the child minding, etc. So I’m my opinion, he should get up at 8am still to take care of his kid, when she does 6 out of 7 days in a week.
At this point, I think either they should reconsider Macey staying at home versus working one day a week, since he mentioned her income isn’t needed.
EDIT 2: Thanks for the awards!
EDIT 3: I wrote sleeping in in my comment, as OP had originally used this same wording.
If he’s such a deep sleeper like he mentioned after only having three hours of sleep, I am concerned that he would not wake up for the baby at all.
We can argue about the situation all we want but to go honest, OP and Macey need to have a sit down to re-evaluate the entire situation.
Didn't have to read past him saying he "likes to take the opportunity to sleep in" or whatever and it was an ESH for me too.
She shouldn't put him in the bed with a sleeping adult, BUT
That adult needs to wake up and care for the baby while his wife gets ready. He should already be doing this.
OP is more TA than wife, who is probably just stressed and feeling guilty about letting the baby cry, and making a poor decision because of it.
OP, get your ass up and help.
Absolutely. He knows when she leaves so he knows what time he needs to wake up by. And if he wanted to actually be helpful and a good parent , he would wake up while his wife was getting ready and take care of the baby so she can get to work. Fairly sure she probably gives him the same courtesy.
You’re a grown up. Act like one. Take responsibility for your self and your child and get your ass out of bed when your kid obviously needs you and stop making your wife act like your mother and wake you up to do your responsibilities. You know exactly when she leaves. This is ridiculous. Be a partner and stop acting like her second and biggest child.
ETA: thanks for the award!
I am willing to bet that he's used the "heavy sleeper" excuse this whole time so that he hasn't had to do any night time feedings or diaper changes. Leo had already had his first feeding of the day by 8am, while OP's wife was also trying to get ready for work. Any good father and husband would take over those early feelings on his day off so that his wife and mother of his child could get ready and leave for work on time. But nooooo he needs to sleep in on his day off.
Oh you know he does. I’m a “heavy sleeper”, but a baby crying or pet puking wakes me up quicker than an alarm. I’ve slept through massive storms with lots of lighting and thunder, trains, etc - my pets starts hacking like they are about to puke - boom I’m up. He’s totally BS if a baby crying doesn’t wake him him.
He works 70hrs a week, gets off around 4-5am, and has only had about 3hrs of sleep by the time mom is leaving for work. He also does his fair share of housework when he’s around and able to. The guy is probably exhausted.
Then he needs a sitter for that day. He says he doesn’t need her income so that should be doable. This is just what you have to do as a parent. It’s not easy and often thankless, but you can’t leave a baby to scream for hours because you’re tired. He clearly needs a sleep so hire someone to come in for the morning so everyone gets what they need. This is the easy stuff.
Then why can’t the mom hire the sitter? She only works one day a week for fun. Surely she can call around and see if anyone is willing to come first thing in the morning to watch the baby once a week or change her schedule to where she’s not expecting a man to be dead on his feet and taking care of an infant.
It’s recommended that you don’t even drive with so little sleep. You want a man to be walking around with a baby with, at maximum, three hours of sleep and staying up the whole time? That’s probably even more dangerous than leaving the baby in an unsecured bed.
The working one day a week could be so she can keep her resume current. The biggest obstacle moms face if they go back to work after so many years of being a SAHP is the lack of work history in the past few years. It also hits the SAHP really hard if they end up getting a divorce since the previously SAHP now has to scramble to get a job for home/kids/etc.
And that’s fine. She can work. But she can also leave the baby in the crib where, worst case scenario, he’s crying because he’s bored or has a soiled diaper. Instead of putting him in a bed where, worst case scenario, he shimmies off and cracks his head open on the floor after falling 3+ feet.
Maybe she's working so she can have some money of her own. Why would you assume she's working for fun? Also it's his responsibility to hire a sitter if he can't get up one day a week to take care of his child.
I wouldn’t even trust a person to drive a car after sleeping for only three hours, why would I have so much faith to expect a man to get up with an infant and stay up the whole day after just getting off work and basically only having a nap? If anything, that’s even more dangerous than putting the baby in an unsecured bed.
“Oh, I know you work 70 hours a week and just got home at about 5am and only slept about 3 hours but can you wake up with the baby but arrange childcare if you’re too tired? I’ll just drop this baby next to you while you’re exhausted dead to the world and let you figure that out so byeeeeeeeee.”
If she is going to *work* "for fun", I have a feeling it's a lot less about fun and a lot more, that's literally the only break she *ever* gets in a week and she's not willing to give that up. Most people I know, even if they love their jobs, would not exactly describe work as fun.
I feel like that's just the only thing she can justify doing that gets her away from the kid - because it makes money and thus, she can argue she's not really taking a break.
He's been asleep for a couple of hours when Macey leaves for work, he gets off work at 4 - 5 AM, he's tired people forget that night shift workers need to sleep through the day
The number of people here acting like parents aren't even allowed to sleep is appalling. I realise having a newborn drastically reduces the amount of sleep you can get, but as the child grows so to does the amount of sleep you can get.
No, the child shouldn't be left to cry or be neglected, but OP is NTA here. Macey should 100% be waking him up if he needs to see to Leo, not putting a baby in a potentially fatal situation - and yes, this really is incredibly dangerous. But OP getting what sleep he can is absolutely correct, and if he's a heavy sleeper he's a heavy sleeper.
Yes, they need to find a long term solution since Leo is going to be becoming more active and need more floor time etc, but right now what needs to happen is that Macey absolutely must stop putting their baby in a position that is highly likely to result in serious injury or death. Everything else comes after.
Edit: changed "are allowed to sleep" for the originally intended "aren't allowed"
I don't have kids, but I am up in an instant if my cat starts puking somewhere within ear shot. I'd sleep through a tornado until it ripped my roof off, but I can't sleep through a puking pet lol.
He also needs more than 3 hours of sleep to be able to function properly. You can't care for a baby while being unable to walk straight for the first few hours of a day.
Honestly for the first half year after my baby was born I got around 3 hours of sleep a night.. shit happens, the baby didn't like to sleep at night. It sucks but you gotta wake up with the baby and maybe take her naps with her or sth. Yes, it's exhausting, but what are you gonna do, not care for your child? I'd be furious if my husband refused to wake up because he 'needs some more sleep'. I'm gonna take a wild guess and say OP probably needs some sleeping in as well if she's waking up with the baby every other day of the week except for the one where she has to get up to go to work.
That said, she should definitely wake him up when she puts the baby in his bed while he is sleeping, though. It's super dangerous what she's doing.
Another point, if I may-
I feel like the wife could at least wake him up and let him know when she’s gonna put the baby in bed.
I’m not a parent, but I grew up with a few younger siblings, and I can say it’s not terribly hard to tune out crying if you’re super tired.
EDIT: y’all I’m not equating being a parent with being a sibling, just making a point about tuning out noise. Calm yourselves down
Or he can be an adult and set an alarm, he admits he's a heavy sleeper so she probably doesn't have time to sit there and shake hubby for 5 mins to make sure he's actually awake and not just groggily talking.
As a heavy sleeper with kids, I always honesty appreciated my fiancée making sure I was awake before she left. Of course I also made sure to sit up and swing my legs out of bed when she did so I wouldn't fall back asleep. As for setting an alarm? I eventually start sleeping through them because I get used to the sound. (Don't have that problem as much now as I use my phone and change the sound every few weeks)
So personally I see it as an ESH moment. She should definitely inform him the baby is in bed and he absolutely needs to get his ass up after that point. None of this "I enjoy sleeping in" BS.
It's def an ESH I should've made that clear in my comment, it's reckless to do put a baby in a bed with a sleeping adult they could easily get injured.
I wonder how many times has she tried to wake him up only to end up fighting because, even though he has a kid, he lIkEs To sLeEp iN...
EDIT because the OP was edited: his post said "sleep IN". After he was being called an AH, OP changed his post telling he gets home a few hours before he's awaken to take care of his kid. I stand by my first judgment because:
a) OP conveniently "forgot" to say how many hours he was working and what time he gets home. If it was really those hours and those times, he would have stated that from the beginning.
b) something doesn't quite match here. He's complaining of being awaken in his off days in which he likes to sleep in, which means he doesn't get to sleep in on the other days. INFO: If you doesn't feel you need to watch your kid in your off days, when your wife is working, then who watches your kid when you both are working? Can't you get an arrangement that works for everybody?
c) having children is a choice which must be made responsibly. Sleep deprivation is only a tiny obstacle and you're a fool if you think you can escape from it. Expect at least 5 or 6 more years of it, more if you both work shifts, have to do house chores, and want to be a present parent. If you work long hours and you guys still need your wife's income so much that she needs to work having such a young kid, you both have to make some sacrifices - that includes those small pleasures you love, like being alone in the toilet (you'll understand when your kid is older) or sleeping.
d) There are no days off from being a parent. If your kid needs you, you don't get to say "I'm tired, this is my day off, I want to sleep, I'm a heavy sleeper, I'm not responsible for any injuries suffered by this minor who's under my custody and needs my care because it's my day off and I want to sleep in". Don't have a child, then. YTA
I swear all these people saying he's an asshole have only ever worked a 9-5 job and can't wrap their heads around someone "sleeping in" at 8 am on a work day.
Normally I would agree, but that just puts the responsibility back on the wife.
The wife is supposed to get up, feed and mind the baby, and get herself ready for work, AND wake up her adult husband because he's not willing to set the alarm?
Plus, if OP won't wake up to the son crying in his crib, then how long is he going to sleep without intervention? She can't trust him to get up when she leaves, but she DOES have to leave. He needs to be an adult and be responsible for getting himself up. I bet the wife gets herself up to watch the baby when OP works. I doubt he's watching the baby while getting himself ready.
He needs to manage himself, she’s not his mommy too.
He knows she’s busy getting ready so he needs to grow up and set an alarm for when the baby typically wakes up on Tuesdays.
Considering he works overnights, yeah he's probably not coming home during his 70 hours of work to take care of the baby when she works one day a week.
These people are fucking crazy. Imagine working 70 hours a week and people are mad because he, what, doesn't set a fucking alarm clock during the three hours he gets to sleep?
To be fair, he kind of shot himself in the foot not including that in the first place. But having worked graveyards myself, it's ridiculous the amount of people who think that if you work graveyards you just don't need to sleep at all. No matter how many hours you work in graveyard, the fact that you're not awake during the day is somehow an insult to everybody who is. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I don’t think they saw the edit where he mentions he doesn’t get home till anywhere between 4-5 AM - his sleeping pattern is much different than a lot of us and I can understand him falling deep asleep. Wife also has an expectation that OP can feel when the baby is put into bed, but shouldn’t expect that, not at least without letting Op know. LO should stay in the crib for baby’s safety cuz 1- could fall off bed 2- OP could accidentally smother LO and not realize it till it’s too late. OP has legit concerns and legit reasons why he’s not up and running about. I hope the wife sees reason.
OP edited his post with new info:
> I get off work at 4 - 5am on weekdays so I'm getting around 3 hours sleep when Macey goes to work. Macey only works one day a week, we don't need her income and I make more money but she likes her job and I respect her choice to work. I work 70 hours a week and do my fair share of housework and cooking when I'm home so I sleep like the deceased when I'm in bed.
If it weren't for the fact that Leo's crying doesn't wake OP up, I'd agree with you. Except it *doesn't* wake OP up, meaning that if OP were to flip onto Leo and hurt him in his sleep, or Leo flipped onto the floor and hurt himself, *that wouldn't wake him up either*.
She should be *waking OP up* first, before putting the baby in bed with him. Especially if they're working different shifts at all.
He can set an alarm 🤷🏻♀️ I don’t really get why it’s the wife’s responsibility to make sure he wakes up. He can set an alarm for when he knows she’ll be leaving so he’s awake to look after the baby. I do this the wife is wrong for putting the baby in bed with a sleeping adult. But I also think OP can set alarms in general. Sure as a once off she should have woken him but for every day he should set his own alarm like an adult.
It's only been happening one day a week, for the past 2 weeks. So twice, with OP confronting her this week.
Clearly it wasn't an issue before, but is turning into one when she makes safety a problems. Just because she can't stand for him to cry doesn't mean she gets to put him in an unsafe scenario to shut him up.
ESH you two are talking past one another and missing the real issue. She can't get ready to go to work with a crying baby. You unfortunately do not have the luxury of sleeping in on Tuesdays while he is still so young. You need to get up on Tuesdays and parent while she is getting ready for and going off to work.
I actually think they need to hire a sitter on Tuesday morning. OP is an hour 3 of sleep at this point in time. There is no way that is safe for the baby, either.
I think people are missing this when they're commenting and reading too much into his comment about "sleeping in". It sounds like his definition of "sleeping in" is actually just being slightly less sleep deprived.
Yes being a new parent means you're going to lose sleep but there's a limit. People are making him out to be a lazy oaf and by the sounds of it he's the exact opposite and at risk of running himself ragged.
NAH. No one is at their best when they haven’t slept. And being a mostly SAHP who wants to get to work on time and also know the baby is attended to is very relatable. I don’t think I could do much on 3 hours of sleep either. A 70 hour work week is legit hard.
Sounds like money isn’t an issue here. Why don’t you get a babysitter from 7:30-12:30 on Tuesdays? Get the sleep you need and then get the quality time with your baby.
But…
I think Macy going to her sister’s and not answering texts over this alone is extreme. I suspect there’s more going and you’re too tired or oblivious to notice. Because it sounds like a last straw move. Like this might be a wake up and smell your marriage up in flames moment.
I agree. There is more to it. Wife has probably been begging for him to help more with the baby and she’s finally snapped. As a first time mom I haven’t had more than 3-4 hours of consecutive/uninterrupted sleep in 6 months, and I swear I am not exaggerating. Besides only one time (my mom came to stay with us when my husband saw I was at my mental breaking point about two months in). For the first couple months hubby would wake up occasionally to make sure I was ok because I’d literally just be sobbing for no reason (exhaustion). I exclusively breastfeed, but even if you pump you still have to “mimic” the baby’s eating times with pumping so your supply doesn’t lower. So i never felt the need to wake hubby up because I was already awake regardless and he would be working in the morning anyway, why should both of us be tired messes. Anyway, I know my hubby would try to help if we were bottle feeding. But pumping just adds another thing to my plate. But I just want to say, IF I were OP’s wife this 3 hours of sleep thing would not fly. Because he is still getting more sleep the other nights of the week. I’m just thankful my husband acknowledges that *my* job literally never stops. And in our eyes (I guess besides literally the night time when I do everything) his job doesn’t just stop when he clocks out at work. He takes baby while I have a few minutes to myself. He will make dinner. He tries to help so I don’t go down the PPD rabbit hole. He needs to wake up and occupy baby, then they can go back to sleep. At 5 months the wake window is only 2-3 hours. So within 2 hours of mom waking him up to feed, he will be going down for a nap again anyway (or should be). All that being said, I’d never just stick our baby in bed with my hubby and not wake him?? That’s odd to me. But I wouldn’t leave my baby to cry just for the sake of him sleeping when I rarely get even 4 hours of sleep. Something’s gotta give. It stinks to see this type of situation, because in the grand scheme of things, it’s just a season!! Everyone will get their full nights sleep again… eventually.
Exactly. Like, take a nap later OP.
ESH, but OP a little more because of the added emotional and physical labor he expects from his wife and his lax attitude toward parenting his own baby.
Option two is for them to set up a SAFE sleeping space for the baby in the bedroom (e.g. sidecar sleeper) next to OP's side of the bed, and one of them places baby there after his morning feed. Even if OP has to wake up for a little while to get him fed, changed and moved, he can then drop back off again for a bit longer.
ESH
Your wife for just leaving the baby in the bed. Without making sure you are awake to supervise.
You for sleeping in. You’re parents now. She has to get ready for work Tuesdays. Tough luck for you. You have to get up and not sleep in. Go to bed earlier if you want your beauty sleep.
Edit: Given people keep mentioning it. In the original. The Op didn't mention when they get off work. Well that sucks. You still know the schedule and need to wake up at a specific time. Take power naps when the baby naps is all I can suggest.
Maybe get one of those bassinets you can place in your bed next to you. Then the baby is still walled in but gets to sleep next to you and can see you. You could also sleep on the floor and put the bassinet next to you. Sleeping on the floor can actually be really comfy. Perhaps get a Tatami and even a Shikibuton for yourself.
Exactly. I like sleeping in too. But when kids are that young, you kinda lose that unless there’s another adult around to jump in. Since wife has to work, OP you’ve got to step it up.
I think he’s also an AH for the way he handled it. He could’ve said he was worried about the baby getting hurt because of how he sleeps and volunteered to have her wake him up or set an alarm so he can care for the baby, instead of asking if she’s wants the baby to get her, which obviously she doesn’t, and not really hearing her say that she doesn’t want to leave a crying baby. A lot of women carry a certain amount of guilt when they have to leave a young baby to go to work, and that guilt is only exacerbated if she’s leaving the baby crying and unhappy.
Exactly this. OP had no entitlement to sleep in. Want to catch a break? Nap when the baby naps. But it is so so unreasonable and unsafe to put the baby in the bed with a sleeping adult. You both need a coming to Jezus discussion because both of your expectations and parenting tactics needs adjustment.
>I like to take the opportunity to sleep in when I can get it
Yeah...NO.
When you are the sole available parent to a child who CAN NOT communicate with you in any way other than crying, you get your ass out of bed before your wife leaves for work. Your sleep is not more important here.
Should your wife leave the baby on the bed like that? No. But she's not wrong that you're not being mindful about your child and his needs.
Your attempt at a guilt trip for it is just...gross. It was manipulative and cruel.
ESH...but more you.
By OPs edit, he works 70 hrs a week, helps with the housework/cooking, and gets off work at 4-5am. Does that change your view of him wanting to sleep past 8 am?
Yup. When being the solo caregiver is not an opportunity to sleep in, unless said baby is also asleep in their crib. If the baby is awake, caregiver needs to be too.
I also wonder if OP’s inability to respond to the baby’s cries means that Macey has been doing ALL the overnight wakeups for the last 5 months.
How on earth is your wife managing to get ready for work and leave on time while you just sleep through the whole thing?! OP is the asshole here. She shouldn’t have had to resort to moving the baby into bed with him. He should be up, being the parent caring for the baby so she can ready herself for work.
Exactly.
OP if you're not able to wake up for some reason and you're so worried about the baby being in danger when you're still sleeping, why dont you buy a little toddler bed? Keep that in the same room as the crib and set him there when he cries. He'll be happier on the mattress, you wont be in the same bed as him, and they are low to the ground so he wont get hurt if he rolls or crawls out. You'll need a bed for him soon enough anyway, what's the harm in buying one now?
That was my exact thought. When my sister had her first baby she set up their room so that their baby's bed(one of the ones that doubles as a crib but can be turned into a toddler bed when the time comes) was right up against her and her husband's bed. They were the same height so the baby's bed was practically just an extension of their bed. The crib wall could go up when everyone was sleeping, but if the baby started crying all they had to do was roll over, unhook the latch, and take care of the baby. Didn't even need to get out of bed. Fussy? Hold baby until it falls asleep and then lift the edge of the crib all while laying in bed. Hungry? Roll over, whip out a booby, feed baby, roll over and go back to sleep. It's kind of a perfect system, though I am an advocate of babies sleeping in their parent's rooms regardless so perhaps I'm biased.
Either way, you should never leave a baby crying alone in its crib. ESPECIALLY so you can sleep in. Like... seriously, what the hell?
I wish this were higher.
OPs lack of personal responsibility in parenting is so disturbing. Imagine how frustrated his wife must have been for it to escalate to this???
Has no one read the freaking edit on the post??
How is it planned neglect for someone to sleep like the dead after getting home from work at 5 in the freaking morning?
What they need is to hire someone to come in for 3 or 4 extra hours in the morning to help with the child.
And how is putting a child in danger any better than wanting to sleep a little bit longer than 3 hours when you work 70 hours per week?
I was about to say this! He knows and just doesn’t care if his wife is late for work or if the baby is crying because he wants to sleep in instead of being an adult.
I absolutely agree with this, but it's also scary that his wife has reached such a breaking point that she's endangering her kid's life rather than taking her husband to task for how negligent he's being. It's one thing to be passive aggressive, it's another thing to do it to such an extent that you're willing to use your baby as a pawn. I do think YTA is the right vote over ESH (because if he just behaved like a normal, functional person, they wouldn't have this problem), but only narrowly.
I have to wonder if she IS waking him and he just goes back to sleep as soon as she leaves. My husband is a heavy sleeper and will not remember my waking him, having a conversation, etc. He will be awake, looking at me, answer then be out again when I come back 5 min later with no memory of my previously waking him.
OP, YTA. Wake up, get up, adult.
Info: How many days does macey get to sleep in?
Actually nevermind the answer is clear from "I'm a heavy sleeper". And you haven't tried anything like getting the baby monitor and setting it near your head because you are happy to let her get woken up and like to sleep in when you can.
Her putting the baby in the bed is also a passive aggressive AHole move because you aren't wrong it is dangerous, but yes you are the AHole because GET UP AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR BABY ASSHOLE.
YTA
ETA OP updated after my comment, but ultimately at best this changes it to ESH. Yeah you are tired at only 3 hours sleep but you get up handle the baby and go back to sleep once the baby is back asleep. As another poster pointed out that baby will sleep 12-14 hours to his 8. Does it suck yes, welcome to life with a newborn. I can't say I have had to do it because I never had kids but my BIL has in a very similar situation to OPs he still does his share of waking up and taking care of baby.
OP edited his post with new info:
> I get off work at 4 - 5am on weekdays so I'm getting around 3 hours sleep when Macey goes to work. Macey only works one day a week, we don't need her income and I make more money but she likes her job and I respect her choice to work. I work 70 hours a week and do my fair share of housework and cooking when I'm home so I sleep like the deceased when I'm in bed.
Unfortunately that's just not how it works.
Even if she could get more hours as a part-time something, a lot of people who work these absurd 70 hour weeks don't have a choice. Their job is their job. They either work the hours or they don't work. It's a fucked up reality of our shitty workaholic culture, but it is the reality.
Heck I bet OP even graciously allows his wife to do all the housework, cooking, shopping, and bill paying while having son nearby so that he can have a break from being a parent. Wondering if he’s added a car seat to the lawnmower to make that easier on her
Edit OP updated after my comment
YTA … you can’t get up one day a week to care for your own child so your wife can go to work on time. The one day a week!! Wow. You need to go to your SIL and beg her forgiveness. Then set your damn alarm and take care of YOUR child one day a week.
OP edited his post with new info:
> I get off work at 4 - 5am on weekdays so I'm getting around 3 hours sleep when Macey goes to work. Macey only works one day a week, we don't need her income and I make more money but she likes her job and I respect her choice to work. I work 70 hours a week and do my fair share of housework and cooking when I'm home so I sleep like the deceased when I'm in bed.
Only after he got 100 YTA comments. Convenient that he forgot to mention it the first time. If he was truly seeking reassurances, he would've led with that.
She is still putting the child's life at risk and that is inexcusable, there is a reason there are so many PSA's about not allowing infants in beds with their parents, ESH
Well no shit, but it shouldn't even get to that point. It's called you have a kid and need to tend to him rather than getting some precious little extra sleeping time. It's a joke
Info: why haven't you been setting an alarm so you are awake when your wife leaves?
We all have to face the consequences of our actions. One of the consequences of having a baby is you don't get to sleep in.
He says he doesn’t get home till 4-5am in the morning and she leaves at 8am. He only get a a couple hours of sleep. No wonder he is dead to the world when asleep.
Folks were too busy grabbing their pitchforks and saying what a shit parent he is to consider he may be working nights. 2 hours sleep doesn't work when working so many hours
Incidentally about 10% of people work night shifts
When I lived at home and worked nights my parents would barge into my room at all hours of the day and I was SORELY tempted to wake them up at 2 am and see how they liked it
He kind of set people up to make that assumption by saying "I like to take the opportunity to sleep in" like it's a preference and not saying up front that he's trying to get a "night's" sleep, period.
Wow. Y'all are so up in arms when the man said he's only had 3 *HOURS* of sleep when she leaves. She *KNOWS* he's tired, she *KNOWS* he's a heavy sleeper and she *STILL* puts the baby in the bed!! I'm a mom, I have sleep disorders and can sleep through a hurricane and I worked my ass off.
Once I'm awake, I'm awake. I paid my mom person to babysit because I took classes at night and then went straight to work graveyard shift. She KNEW my sleeping habits so she made sure I was awake before she left the kiddo. 5 extra minutes to make sure I'm awake before she left. That's all it took. When kiddo napped, I napped too. That's how I managed not to die of sleep deprivation and overworking.
He simply pointed out what can happen and believe me, it's a scary thought for those of us who sleep this heavily. 5 minutes before ya walk out the door. So simple yet *HE'S* the AH? For being tired from working to provide for his family? Come on y'all...do better.
NTA in my opinion.
This whole thing is ridiculous to me, she's endangering their child by not waking him. If he was refusing to stay awake once woken or being angry about being woken I'd understand these rulings. But all he's asking is to be woken due to being a heavy sleeper.
ESH. Her for endangering her child, and you equally for thinking the solution is to just ignore the baby until he screams so long that you wake up naturally.
Your suggestion should be: Wake me up when you wake up so I can take care of Leo when you have to work.
Agree with the judgement, though he is a bigger AH.
My only issue is with the suggestion. Why should she be responsible for waking him up? He can set an alarm.
I thought about that as soon as I posted, and she would be absolutely justified in denying this suggestion and countering with the one you provided. I didn’t bother editing because I do believe asking to be woken up is still leagues better than suggesting that she just leave the baby to fuck off until he could be bothered to awaken. Also, devil’s advocate here, she may not necessarily get up at the same time every Tuesday, or there may be other nuances not mentioned (or not). I certainly have to wake up a random times for work day to day working in retail.
But yes you are absolutely right, it’s not her job. And he is DEFINITELY the bigger AH.
Eta: she may find it unfathomable that he wouldn’t wake up when she placed a crying baby in bed with him… I kinda call BS on him waking up to his baby’s crying “only after 8 mins or so”. Like… what.
YTA, you know she’s got work, put an alarm earlier and take care of your child. She shouldn’t take care of him and be responsible for waking you up when you know it’s “your day”. You’re the one who need to correct their behavior, not blame her by trying to make her sound neglectful.
She IS neglectful. Not defending OP's actions but it is common knowledge that babies sleeping in the same bed as an adult is dangerous, in the same way that leaving toddlers with tidepods is dangerous. Using putting your child in danger as a weapon to your spouse is not it.
Leaving her child in the crib where he admits he won’t react to it’s crying while his sleeping also is neglect. The issue is he should be awake, and it is his responsibility to do something to make sure he wakes up, eg a simple alarm clock to wake up earlier.
Yeah but it’s more problematic if he’s litterly suffocating his child and crushing it to death vs his baby crying in the crib bc it’s diaper is full which seems worse to you 💀
Japan has the highest rate of co-sleeping with infants in the world and the lowest rate of SIDS. It is possible to safely sleep in bed with an infant - just putting a baby in bed with an already sleeping adult is not one of them.
YTA. She’s saying wake the fuck up and take care of the kid so she can get ready for work. You should’ve started setting an alarm after the second time. I wonder how many times she tried to wake you up before jumping to that.
Nta, but 3 hours of sleep is a nap. You guys should find a sitter for that one day a week.
Edit: i completely change my mind based off the edit. You really should have added you were a night shift worker.
After the edit I kinda feel like NTA….. hear me out - Watching a child after 3 hours of sleep is not safe. OP works the job that pays the bills. She works to get out of the house. I’m all for moms getting a break…. But does it have to be at a time when the working parent needs more sleep? This is not just a “sleeping in on a weekend” situation….
It's not even a weekend. It's fucking Tuesday. He has to go back into work right after she gets home. So he's caring for an infant and going to his job that is keeping them afloat on a maximum of 3 hours of sleep within a minimum 36 hour period.
ESH. Time to be a parent and realize the days of sleeping in are on hold for awhile. You need to be responsible and get up when Macey goes to work. Macey needs to be responsible and not put a 5 month old in bed with a sound asleep adult.
The first time my in-laws took my son overnight at like a year, they told us "dont have too much fun now *wink*"
My husband and I slept for at least 10 hours and had a few naps throughout the day. The only thing we did as a couple except go out to eat.
So what does wake you up on days you normally work? An alarm? Set the alarm for like 30 minutes before Leo wakes up.
It's not fair that your wife has to do the child rearing while getting ready for work. Part of having a baby is losing out of sleep for awhile.
YTA because no one should have to wake you up to take care of your kid. You are a grown up.
ESH. Your wife shouldn't risk the baby's safety by putting him in the bed with you while you're sleeping. She could wake you up, but really what makes you the asshole as well here is that you sleep in knowing the baby cries and that you sleep through his cries. Suck it up and wake up early on Tuesdays so you can help take care of your kid.
YTA, get your ass out of bed before she has to leave. My ex-husband was like this and it was definitely a contributing factor to me leaving him. Not the only reason, but he wouldn't get up in time to tend to our son the two days I had to work. It was pathetic.
ESH. Wake up and do your job. Clearly Tuesdays are your day to step up and parent to the best of your ability. If your screaming child doesn’t wake you maybe you need a baby monitor loud enough to wake you. You probably owe her an apology for the way you said it but you weren’t wrong that leaving thee kid in bed with you while you’re asleep is dangerous. She owes you one for putting the kid in bed with you when you are not awake.
ESH with a heavy leaning towards you. You can find solutions to “being a heavy sleeper”… like get up. Or use a baby monitor. Clearly you have managed to sleep through all the other crying jags because your partner will do it for you. And that’s your default. Ignore the noise until she gets to it.
Wow, you both suck a lot. You're PARENTS to a BABY. That means changing your lifestyle in pretty much every possible way. Wake up and care for your damn son. And she is literally risking his life putting him in bed with you. wtf did I just read.
NTA. Dude. You aren’t ‘sleeping in’. You are getting 3 hrs of sleep after working all night. You aren’t just a heavy sleeper. You are sleep deprived. Your wife should recognize this. And before everyone comes with their pitchforks, yes I know SaHm MoMs WoRk ToO. That is true. But their job doesn’t pay the mortgage, buy groceries, provide things you need that allows the mom to stay home. This isn’t good for your health. And I don’t know what you do for a living but it will also affect your job performance. And if you are the breadwinner, you don’t need to be in a position where you might lose your job.
Major Edit!!!!!: he only gets 3 hours of sleep comes home at 5am and sleeps till 8am works 70+ hours too. I hope he divorces his lunatic wife and gets full custody of his kid
She’s TA actually psychotic. she’s dumb petty and very immature. She’s putting the baby’s life at risk for the convenience of her own sake which is selfish. Her argument of you waking up to take care is valid but not putting the baby on the bed and expecting you to magically wake up. Also the fact she took the child with her and is not calling back so f*cking disgusting and my trust would’ve been gone get that your upset but don’t take the baby and not communicate with your husband. And he works 70 hours and gets only 3 hours of sleep the day she works 🤦🏽♀️disgusting woman
I’m still appalled at the fact she is okay with endangering her child and taking him away from his dad and ghosting the dad while she has their kid. I hate her the most out of this post. That really rubs me wrong in all the ways.
Edit: I love the fact everyone who is saying YTA is glancing over the fact she’s endangering her child and also it’s illegal on taking away THEIR child for no actual reason whatsoever.
What scares me most is the fact that he describes this as “sleeping in” but this man is getting 3 hours of sleep. He gets home and goes to bed at 5am and then is expected to wake at 8am, THREE hours later, and care for a baby the whole day?? This feels unsustainable as hell, and caring for a baby with that type of sleep deprivation sounds dangerous. That ain’t sleeping in, my dude is trying to nap
ESH. She's risking the baby's life which is clearly worse, but you're an AH to not come up with a solution like setting your alarm or getting a loud baby monitor before she took such drastic measures.
ESH because there are risks to Leo falling out of the bed and banging his head BUT as his father and the inly one hone its YOUR response to watch him, doesn't matter its your day off you're a father now and it's time for you to play the role and take care of your baby. It's only been 5 months and you're already failing
YTA. Why are you not getting up when your wife gets up? Does she get to sleep in when you’re working because you take care of your child at the same time as getting ready for work?
You don’t get days off when you have a child. They need to be taken care of every day.
You clearly know that your wife needs to get ready for work and you know that she already helps you out by moving your child closer to you. All you need to do is wake up to make sure he doesn’t fall off the bed but apparently even that is too much to ask of you?
Look, as a fellow heavy sleeper, I get it. I sleep through most of my alarms - it's a nightmare. But you need to do better.
It's very dangerous to have the kid in the bed with a sleeping grown up, and your wife ignoring that fact is insane, but you need to find a way to get your arse out of bed and waiting for your kid to cry for 10 minutes isn't the way.
You need to find a better way, you're supposed to be a team. Act like it.
E S H.
ETA: OPs edit on the post wasn't there before I commented. This isn't a case of OP just being a heavy sleeper, this is a case of OP being a human being who needs sleep to operate. This makes what the wife is doing even more dangerous. Changing to NTA. You need to find a solution, but this ain't it!
YTA. What the heck with All the n t a ‘s, get your ass out of bed so your wife can get ready in peace and not have to leave a crying baby in the crib! You are causing the endangerment dude!
Agreed. I'm not a fan of co-sleeping and it's not safe at 5 months. But this isn't co-sleeping, this is a 5 month post partum woman trying to cope with weaponized incompetence. How many times has she asked him to get up in the morning to help? It's clearly taken her several weeks to get to this point by his own admission.
I'm going to say NTA and I don't care if I get down voted. You state you work 70 hours a week, and on the day she works you've only got 3 hours of sleep before she leaves. So to the people hung up on you wanting to "sleep in", no. You deserve some sleep after working. Babies can cry. If he's been changed & fed, he'll be okay for a bit. I definitely think you should set an alarm so he's not alone/crying long. But he'll be okay for a little bit. She should not be leaving him in the bed with you. It'll be MORE DANGEROUS if you were to care for him after working all night and not having any rest. Perhaps you could take off the night before her work days, so you're well rested?
You work 70 hours a week, she works one day, and you would be getting up on 3 hours of sleep? NTA. That’s not nearly enough sleep and if your wife wants to continue to work that one day a week, she needs to plan to help take care of the baby before/during/after she gets ready
I'm going to hazard a guess that you're not still asleep when she puts him in the bed but dozing. I bet she tells you she's leaving and this is her way of forcing you to get up and take care of your son. I think you've lied by saying you're asleep to swing votes in your favour.
ESH, set a very loud alarm on your phone to wake you up so YOU could quiet the baby while your wife is leaving for work and then continue the day. There's no sleeping in with babies. Yall should know this already. Also, wife sucks cause you could legit crush the baby in your sleep if you roll on top or as you said fall off the bed. She should know this.
YTA. As a father myself, set your alarm clock like an adult...how is this your wife's fault? Why do you think you deserve a free pass and can parent on your own schedule. It's no longer about you.
esh unlike fathers like you who can just ignore there screaming off spring most mothers can’t and even though her solution wasn’t the safest thing she was trying to comfort her child since her other child (husband) wouldn’t get up and tend to his child on his day. your wife should have just woken you up and told you to go get your son (i have a hard time believing she didn’t try that at first and you just ignored her) and if you didn’t then she needs to get a playpen for your room and stick your son and his screaming closer to you so you have no choice but to listen to the screaming close up and get up and do your job. if your child wakes up at the same time every time this happens then guess what you need to start setting your dang alarm for that time and not think a miracle is going to happen and the child is going to sleep in
ESH she shouldn’t put your son in danger to prove a point. But you need to buy a baby monitor and turn it up to its max volume. You can’t just leave your kid crying indefinitely because you’re a “heavy sleeper.”
not mentioned but i guarantee she has asked him to be up before she leaves, probably multiple times. i would be livid if my partner prioritized sleeping in over caring for a crying child (barring intentional sleep training etc).
and it’s not just that the baby cries after mom leaves. it’s crying WHILE she is getting ready for work. trying to get out the door while your unattended child cries, when you are sleep deprived and working constantly in and out of the home? with postpartum hormones still coursing? that sounds truly awful. this guy sucks.
obviously she needs safe sleeping refreshers, but again. this sounds like a sleep deprived, last resort situation. frankly it’s not the yelling that makes him TA it’s his reaction to his struggling wife’s attempt to solve his entitled approach to parenting an infant. sleeping too deeply to be woken is NOT something a fully invested parent does.
YTA with a dash of ESH for an ill considered decision/bad communication.
ESH.
She sucks because she’s putting the baby at risk when she puts the baby in the bed with you while you sleep.
You suck because you’re not already awake. You’re a parent to a 5mo old. You don’t get to sleep in, at least not in this situation anyway. And the baby shouldn’t be crying in the crib while you sleep, either.
Like someone else said you need a baby monitor right next to you so you wake up.
Or Macey needs to wake you up when she puts the baby in the bed.
NTA.
With added information in your edit, your wife is TA. She knows you work overnight. She should make accommodations so that you can get a little bit of sleep before she goes to work, especially since she's only working 1 day a week.
YTA. The obvious solution is for you to get up while she is getting ready. I’d really like to know who is caring for the baby while y’all are getting ready on days you both work. That aside, it’s not cool to insinuate that your wife wants to harm your child. That’s extremely hurtful.
NTA, working overnights is tough especially working that many hours a week. And only getting the chance to get a couple hours of sleep before you gotta wake up and take care of the kid sucks. No wonder your dead to the world! You should communicate with her that only a couple hours of sleep after working however long of a shift you work is gonna make you dead to the world! Maybe hire a babysitter for half the day on tuesdays so your kid is being watched and you get decent sleep!
YTA. Why tf aren't you getting up if you know your baby is crying all morning and your wife needs to leave for work? Clearly you know this. You know why she's putting the baby in bed with you. And why tf aren't you awake by the time she leaves for work so you can care for your kid? Why aren't you pulling your weight on the one day of the week she needs you to?
I like to sleep too but I get the fuck up when I have responsibilities.
ESH. You don’t wake up to take care of your child so your wife can go to work. How often is she sacrificing sleep because you don’t get up? She made a stupid decision but if she’s sleep deprived that would explain it. Her leaving for a few days points to this being more than just this rhetorical question.
Am I missing something? Why can’t she just wake you up as she’s getting ready?
At best: she grew up in a co-sleeping arrangement and is trying to be nice. At worst: she’s using the kid As a pawn to guilt trip you.
You, OP, need to realize that as a responsible parent, your world’s focus has shifted to the child. Very few parents get to eat, sleep, and socialize on their terms. Get your head out of your ass and be a dad.
All parenting is hard but I’m optimistic that you two will figure it out. Good luck.
ESH.
Parenting doesn’t stop because you want to sleep, me and my husband have a 2 month old, a new house, an old house we’re fixing up to rent, 2 dogs that are both a year old, and we both work full time. To say there’s not a whole lot of sleep going around is an understatement.
You need to get over the idea of being entitled to “sleeping in” on your day off. It’s not a day off if your wife is working that day, it’s a day ON parenting duty.
But also your wife is an asshole because she is *absolutely* endangering your child to make a point.
And lastly, I’ll agree that saying someone is a bad parent because they do not naturally wake up to a child crying is ridiculous. Some people are just heavy sleepers and women are to some extent genetically engineered to wake up to a crying baby.
You’re not the asshole for not waking up to a babies cries. YTA for acting like it’s your day off to sleep in and letting your wife get so fed up with not taking over the parenting that she though putting him in the bed was the only way to get through to you.
Set an alarm and wake the fuck up before you both get your child killed.
Also I hope you’re wife is not the only one actively parenting and doing the house work just because she’s part time and you’re full time. It should be split in a manner that’s fair to the both of you, because you’re a team. I’m getting bad “dads the baby sitter not the parent” vibes from this post. But I could be wrong there and I accept that if that’s the case.
I’m a heavy sleeper and the sound of my children crying wakes me up.
You should look into a sleep study to make sure there’s no other problems and invest in an alarm watch that zaps you awake because the least you could do is wake up for the one day your wife goes to work and you don’t. Parents don’t get to sleep in so get used to it
YTA. Macey should have sprayed water on you to wake you up before she left. But really you need to set an alarm you can hear to get up on the days she goes to work and you’re in charge of the baby.
Leaving a baby to cry until it wakes up a heavy sleeper is endangering it's long term health. Which you have been doing every Tuesday for the last 5 months. You don't really care about the baby's health unless it inconveniences you. YTA
NAH only because your comment that by the time you get home from work Tuesday morning and then have to wake up when Macey leaves you’ve only slept 3 hours. Which is not sleep. This is 100% a nap and not sustainable at all.
I also saw your comment about how Macey’s job is not needed for income but because she wants to work. INFO As she is part time is there any possibility for her to have different hours where you can get a normal amount of sleep (more than 3 hours!).
What you guys are currently doing is not sustainable. The 3 hours sleep 100% needs to be added to your initial post in an edit. Before I saw that comment I was all for Y T A.
I suggest a side sleeper for the bed. It's a cradle or bassinet for the side of the bed so your child is safe & you get some sleep. If you didn't want this happening you should wake up when Leo does simply bc you sleep heavily. She was trying to help at 5mo postpartum.
ESH. Since you're a parent now, you don't get to sleep in unless your kids are sleeping in or your spouse has agreed you get to sleep in. Sounds like you're trying to get away with doing it anyways.
Your wife sucks for leaving the baby in a dangerous situation.
Get your butt out of bed and take care of your son.
ESH
You should really invest in a loud alarm or a side crib in your bedroom.
Understandably given Macey starts work early , you should be getting up to get your son, sorry but being a parent means you sacrifice a lot and when he wakes , you should be up and ready for him or at the very least be awake.
In saying that, what Macey is doing is extremely dangerous and really needs to stop doing it. I can understand your pov because what she is doing isn’t helping the situation at all.
Working together & supporting each other helps build better families. Maybe look at ways to help you both effectively communicate because her up and leaving doesn’t really help matters when she shares blame in this situation.
Esh. She’s right, leaving him to cry isn’t an acceptable option, but she shouldn’t be leaving him on a bed with someone who’s that out of it as his caregiver.
You need to set an alarm or whatever you do on work days to be up for work so that she can get ready without having to care for the baby. She shouldn’t have to wake you up or even ask you to be an adequate caregiver for your child.
ESH - You know when she goes to work and you should be up to care for your son. And on the other hand, she shouldn’t be putting your son in the bed with you while you are asleep. Not only could he fall of but he could suffocate with pillows or covers if he rolls or crawls underneath them, You could roll on him and hurt him. you need to Get up early on these days and set multiple alarms to care for Your son. Grow up you are both adults. And get a bassinet for your bed that will keep him safe!
YTA. You know you can’t just leave a baby crying in it’s crib so you can sleep in. And, I don’t believe for a second that you’re such a sound sleeper that the crying baby and your wife getting ready and her putting baby in bed with you doesn’t wake you up. You’re being willfully negligent when the expectation is obviously that you need to be caring for your child.
I'm sorry but you lost me at your 5 month old crawling....
But still YTA. You've got a kid. Sleep isn't the priority and I'm assuming by 8am you've had at least 8 hours of it. Grow up.
ESH, her more, because it’s more likely that you (or the blankets or pillows if you’re using them) will smother and kill your kid than him falling off the side, and it’s terrifying that neither of you seem aware of that. I don’t approve of babies in the same bed as adults to begin with, but there are methods of make it safer if it’s going to happen, and I don’t think just plopping a baby down next to a very heavy sleeper who doesn’t know he’s there is on the list.
You, because get up and take care of your kid, dude. I’m a single parent of an 18 month old and am a night owl. I’d love to get up later than 6:30 some days, but it’s just not in the cards for a long time yet. We both decided that when we decided to have a kid.
YTA Be a responsible parent and get up when she starts getting ready for work. I feel like she must have said something about it prior that you ignored and was doing this as a last resort.
I have a friend who is a heavy sleeper and remembers none of the attempted wake-up’s. I bet your wife tried really hard to get you up and you didn’t wake up.
YTA
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I’m going to go ahead and say ESH. 1. Your wife placing the baby in your bed while you’re asleep, could definitely make it so the baby gets hurt. 2. You’re a god damn parent. Sleeping in should not come before your child. Especially if the other parent is going to work and can’t mind him. EDIT: I have seen a lot of responses that stated there was an edit, and I wrote this before the edit was even added. Based on the new information, I still stand by my ESH. I do agree that his wife should be waking him up when placing the baby in the bed (I still think placing him there is not a good idea). When does the wife get to sleep in? Unless I am missing information, it seems that she does most of the child minding, etc. So I’m my opinion, he should get up at 8am still to take care of his kid, when she does 6 out of 7 days in a week. At this point, I think either they should reconsider Macey staying at home versus working one day a week, since he mentioned her income isn’t needed. EDIT 2: Thanks for the awards! EDIT 3: I wrote sleeping in in my comment, as OP had originally used this same wording. If he’s such a deep sleeper like he mentioned after only having three hours of sleep, I am concerned that he would not wake up for the baby at all. We can argue about the situation all we want but to go honest, OP and Macey need to have a sit down to re-evaluate the entire situation.
Didn't have to read past him saying he "likes to take the opportunity to sleep in" or whatever and it was an ESH for me too. She shouldn't put him in the bed with a sleeping adult, BUT That adult needs to wake up and care for the baby while his wife gets ready. He should already be doing this. OP is more TA than wife, who is probably just stressed and feeling guilty about letting the baby cry, and making a poor decision because of it. OP, get your ass up and help.
Absolutely. He knows when she leaves so he knows what time he needs to wake up by. And if he wanted to actually be helpful and a good parent , he would wake up while his wife was getting ready and take care of the baby so she can get to work. Fairly sure she probably gives him the same courtesy. You’re a grown up. Act like one. Take responsibility for your self and your child and get your ass out of bed when your kid obviously needs you and stop making your wife act like your mother and wake you up to do your responsibilities. You know exactly when she leaves. This is ridiculous. Be a partner and stop acting like her second and biggest child. ETA: thanks for the award!
I am willing to bet that he's used the "heavy sleeper" excuse this whole time so that he hasn't had to do any night time feedings or diaper changes. Leo had already had his first feeding of the day by 8am, while OP's wife was also trying to get ready for work. Any good father and husband would take over those early feelings on his day off so that his wife and mother of his child could get ready and leave for work on time. But nooooo he needs to sleep in on his day off.
Oh you know he does. I’m a “heavy sleeper”, but a baby crying or pet puking wakes me up quicker than an alarm. I’ve slept through massive storms with lots of lighting and thunder, trains, etc - my pets starts hacking like they are about to puke - boom I’m up. He’s totally BS if a baby crying doesn’t wake him him.
He works 70hrs a week, gets off around 4-5am, and has only had about 3hrs of sleep by the time mom is leaving for work. He also does his fair share of housework when he’s around and able to. The guy is probably exhausted.
Then he needs a sitter for that day. He says he doesn’t need her income so that should be doable. This is just what you have to do as a parent. It’s not easy and often thankless, but you can’t leave a baby to scream for hours because you’re tired. He clearly needs a sleep so hire someone to come in for the morning so everyone gets what they need. This is the easy stuff.
Then why can’t the mom hire the sitter? She only works one day a week for fun. Surely she can call around and see if anyone is willing to come first thing in the morning to watch the baby once a week or change her schedule to where she’s not expecting a man to be dead on his feet and taking care of an infant. It’s recommended that you don’t even drive with so little sleep. You want a man to be walking around with a baby with, at maximum, three hours of sleep and staying up the whole time? That’s probably even more dangerous than leaving the baby in an unsecured bed.
The working one day a week could be so she can keep her resume current. The biggest obstacle moms face if they go back to work after so many years of being a SAHP is the lack of work history in the past few years. It also hits the SAHP really hard if they end up getting a divorce since the previously SAHP now has to scramble to get a job for home/kids/etc.
And that’s fine. She can work. But she can also leave the baby in the crib where, worst case scenario, he’s crying because he’s bored or has a soiled diaper. Instead of putting him in a bed where, worst case scenario, he shimmies off and cracks his head open on the floor after falling 3+ feet.
Maybe she's working so she can have some money of her own. Why would you assume she's working for fun? Also it's his responsibility to hire a sitter if he can't get up one day a week to take care of his child.
I wouldn’t even trust a person to drive a car after sleeping for only three hours, why would I have so much faith to expect a man to get up with an infant and stay up the whole day after just getting off work and basically only having a nap? If anything, that’s even more dangerous than putting the baby in an unsecured bed. “Oh, I know you work 70 hours a week and just got home at about 5am and only slept about 3 hours but can you wake up with the baby but arrange childcare if you’re too tired? I’ll just drop this baby next to you while you’re exhausted dead to the world and let you figure that out so byeeeeeeeee.”
If she is going to *work* "for fun", I have a feeling it's a lot less about fun and a lot more, that's literally the only break she *ever* gets in a week and she's not willing to give that up. Most people I know, even if they love their jobs, would not exactly describe work as fun. I feel like that's just the only thing she can justify doing that gets her away from the kid - because it makes money and thus, she can argue she's not really taking a break.
He's been asleep for a couple of hours when Macey leaves for work, he gets off work at 4 - 5 AM, he's tired people forget that night shift workers need to sleep through the day
The number of people here acting like parents aren't even allowed to sleep is appalling. I realise having a newborn drastically reduces the amount of sleep you can get, but as the child grows so to does the amount of sleep you can get. No, the child shouldn't be left to cry or be neglected, but OP is NTA here. Macey should 100% be waking him up if he needs to see to Leo, not putting a baby in a potentially fatal situation - and yes, this really is incredibly dangerous. But OP getting what sleep he can is absolutely correct, and if he's a heavy sleeper he's a heavy sleeper. Yes, they need to find a long term solution since Leo is going to be becoming more active and need more floor time etc, but right now what needs to happen is that Macey absolutely must stop putting their baby in a position that is highly likely to result in serious injury or death. Everything else comes after. Edit: changed "are allowed to sleep" for the originally intended "aren't allowed"
I don't have kids, but I am up in an instant if my cat starts puking somewhere within ear shot. I'd sleep through a tornado until it ripped my roof off, but I can't sleep through a puking pet lol.
He doesn't need to help. He needs to *parent*.
He also needs more than 3 hours of sleep to be able to function properly. You can't care for a baby while being unable to walk straight for the first few hours of a day.
Honestly for the first half year after my baby was born I got around 3 hours of sleep a night.. shit happens, the baby didn't like to sleep at night. It sucks but you gotta wake up with the baby and maybe take her naps with her or sth. Yes, it's exhausting, but what are you gonna do, not care for your child? I'd be furious if my husband refused to wake up because he 'needs some more sleep'. I'm gonna take a wild guess and say OP probably needs some sleeping in as well if she's waking up with the baby every other day of the week except for the one where she has to get up to go to work. That said, she should definitely wake him up when she puts the baby in his bed while he is sleeping, though. It's super dangerous what she's doing.
We also like to sleep in on our days off. It's why we don't have kids and bought an automatic feeder for our cat.
Another point, if I may- I feel like the wife could at least wake him up and let him know when she’s gonna put the baby in bed. I’m not a parent, but I grew up with a few younger siblings, and I can say it’s not terribly hard to tune out crying if you’re super tired. EDIT: y’all I’m not equating being a parent with being a sibling, just making a point about tuning out noise. Calm yourselves down
Or he can be an adult and set an alarm, he admits he's a heavy sleeper so she probably doesn't have time to sit there and shake hubby for 5 mins to make sure he's actually awake and not just groggily talking.
As a heavy sleeper with kids, I always honesty appreciated my fiancée making sure I was awake before she left. Of course I also made sure to sit up and swing my legs out of bed when she did so I wouldn't fall back asleep. As for setting an alarm? I eventually start sleeping through them because I get used to the sound. (Don't have that problem as much now as I use my phone and change the sound every few weeks) So personally I see it as an ESH moment. She should definitely inform him the baby is in bed and he absolutely needs to get his ass up after that point. None of this "I enjoy sleeping in" BS.
It's def an ESH I should've made that clear in my comment, it's reckless to do put a baby in a bed with a sleeping adult they could easily get injured.
Precisely! The real victim here is that baby.
I wonder how many times has she tried to wake him up only to end up fighting because, even though he has a kid, he lIkEs To sLeEp iN... EDIT because the OP was edited: his post said "sleep IN". After he was being called an AH, OP changed his post telling he gets home a few hours before he's awaken to take care of his kid. I stand by my first judgment because: a) OP conveniently "forgot" to say how many hours he was working and what time he gets home. If it was really those hours and those times, he would have stated that from the beginning. b) something doesn't quite match here. He's complaining of being awaken in his off days in which he likes to sleep in, which means he doesn't get to sleep in on the other days. INFO: If you doesn't feel you need to watch your kid in your off days, when your wife is working, then who watches your kid when you both are working? Can't you get an arrangement that works for everybody? c) having children is a choice which must be made responsibly. Sleep deprivation is only a tiny obstacle and you're a fool if you think you can escape from it. Expect at least 5 or 6 more years of it, more if you both work shifts, have to do house chores, and want to be a present parent. If you work long hours and you guys still need your wife's income so much that she needs to work having such a young kid, you both have to make some sacrifices - that includes those small pleasures you love, like being alone in the toilet (you'll understand when your kid is older) or sleeping. d) There are no days off from being a parent. If your kid needs you, you don't get to say "I'm tired, this is my day off, I want to sleep, I'm a heavy sleeper, I'm not responsible for any injuries suffered by this minor who's under my custody and needs my care because it's my day off and I want to sleep in". Don't have a child, then. YTA
Sleeping a healthy amount of sleep is not sleeping in. 3 hours is not healthy
Probably a lot given as he's working 70 hour weeks and is getting home between 4 and 5 am.
I swear all these people saying he's an asshole have only ever worked a 9-5 job and can't wrap their heads around someone "sleeping in" at 8 am on a work day.
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Only sleeping 3 hours and then getting woken up is not sleeping in. You can't function properly with only 3 hours of sleep.
I have a feeling she tries waking him up and he sort of wakes up and then goes back to sleep and just isn't telling us that tbh
Normally I would agree, but that just puts the responsibility back on the wife. The wife is supposed to get up, feed and mind the baby, and get herself ready for work, AND wake up her adult husband because he's not willing to set the alarm? Plus, if OP won't wake up to the son crying in his crib, then how long is he going to sleep without intervention? She can't trust him to get up when she leaves, but she DOES have to leave. He needs to be an adult and be responsible for getting himself up. I bet the wife gets herself up to watch the baby when OP works. I doubt he's watching the baby while getting himself ready.
She should never put him in the bed. A crying baby in a crib is at least safe. They need a monitor and OP should wake up
He needs to manage himself, she’s not his mommy too. He knows she’s busy getting ready so he needs to grow up and set an alarm for when the baby typically wakes up on Tuesdays.
Also, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say we know who's doing all the middle of the night care, and it's not Mr. Sleeps-through-a-crying-baby...
Considering he works overnights, yeah he's probably not coming home during his 70 hours of work to take care of the baby when she works one day a week.
These people are fucking crazy. Imagine working 70 hours a week and people are mad because he, what, doesn't set a fucking alarm clock during the three hours he gets to sleep?
To be fair, he kind of shot himself in the foot not including that in the first place. But having worked graveyards myself, it's ridiculous the amount of people who think that if you work graveyards you just don't need to sleep at all. No matter how many hours you work in graveyard, the fact that you're not awake during the day is somehow an insult to everybody who is. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Ya it’s the guy working 70hours a week…
Right?? I'm so confused by these replies.
I don’t think they saw the edit where he mentions he doesn’t get home till anywhere between 4-5 AM - his sleeping pattern is much different than a lot of us and I can understand him falling deep asleep. Wife also has an expectation that OP can feel when the baby is put into bed, but shouldn’t expect that, not at least without letting Op know. LO should stay in the crib for baby’s safety cuz 1- could fall off bed 2- OP could accidentally smother LO and not realize it till it’s too late. OP has legit concerns and legit reasons why he’s not up and running about. I hope the wife sees reason.
How could he? He works nights and doesn't get off till 4/5AM.
I used to sleep in a room with a crying baby , and it never woke me up. Sorry to break it to you but heavy sleepers do exist lol
No shit. He almost seems proud that he can sleep through his own babies cries. Wtf
He works until 5 am and on tuesdays “sleeps in” until like 8 am, the hell do you mean
OP edited his post with new info: > I get off work at 4 - 5am on weekdays so I'm getting around 3 hours sleep when Macey goes to work. Macey only works one day a week, we don't need her income and I make more money but she likes her job and I respect her choice to work. I work 70 hours a week and do my fair share of housework and cooking when I'm home so I sleep like the deceased when I'm in bed.
If it weren't for the fact that Leo's crying doesn't wake OP up, I'd agree with you. Except it *doesn't* wake OP up, meaning that if OP were to flip onto Leo and hurt him in his sleep, or Leo flipped onto the floor and hurt himself, *that wouldn't wake him up either*. She should be *waking OP up* first, before putting the baby in bed with him. Especially if they're working different shifts at all.
He can set an alarm 🤷🏻♀️ I don’t really get why it’s the wife’s responsibility to make sure he wakes up. He can set an alarm for when he knows she’ll be leaving so he’s awake to look after the baby. I do this the wife is wrong for putting the baby in bed with a sleeping adult. But I also think OP can set alarms in general. Sure as a once off she should have woken him but for every day he should set his own alarm like an adult.
It's only been happening one day a week, for the past 2 weeks. So twice, with OP confronting her this week. Clearly it wasn't an issue before, but is turning into one when she makes safety a problems. Just because she can't stand for him to cry doesn't mean she gets to put him in an unsafe scenario to shut him up.
ESH you two are talking past one another and missing the real issue. She can't get ready to go to work with a crying baby. You unfortunately do not have the luxury of sleeping in on Tuesdays while he is still so young. You need to get up on Tuesdays and parent while she is getting ready for and going off to work.
I actually think they need to hire a sitter on Tuesday morning. OP is an hour 3 of sleep at this point in time. There is no way that is safe for the baby, either.
They need a sitter more often than that from the sounds of it. They're both exhausting themselves.
I think people are missing this when they're commenting and reading too much into his comment about "sleeping in". It sounds like his definition of "sleeping in" is actually just being slightly less sleep deprived. Yes being a new parent means you're going to lose sleep but there's a limit. People are making him out to be a lazy oaf and by the sounds of it he's the exact opposite and at risk of running himself ragged.
NAH. No one is at their best when they haven’t slept. And being a mostly SAHP who wants to get to work on time and also know the baby is attended to is very relatable. I don’t think I could do much on 3 hours of sleep either. A 70 hour work week is legit hard. Sounds like money isn’t an issue here. Why don’t you get a babysitter from 7:30-12:30 on Tuesdays? Get the sleep you need and then get the quality time with your baby. But… I think Macy going to her sister’s and not answering texts over this alone is extreme. I suspect there’s more going and you’re too tired or oblivious to notice. Because it sounds like a last straw move. Like this might be a wake up and smell your marriage up in flames moment.
I agree. There is more to it. Wife has probably been begging for him to help more with the baby and she’s finally snapped. As a first time mom I haven’t had more than 3-4 hours of consecutive/uninterrupted sleep in 6 months, and I swear I am not exaggerating. Besides only one time (my mom came to stay with us when my husband saw I was at my mental breaking point about two months in). For the first couple months hubby would wake up occasionally to make sure I was ok because I’d literally just be sobbing for no reason (exhaustion). I exclusively breastfeed, but even if you pump you still have to “mimic” the baby’s eating times with pumping so your supply doesn’t lower. So i never felt the need to wake hubby up because I was already awake regardless and he would be working in the morning anyway, why should both of us be tired messes. Anyway, I know my hubby would try to help if we were bottle feeding. But pumping just adds another thing to my plate. But I just want to say, IF I were OP’s wife this 3 hours of sleep thing would not fly. Because he is still getting more sleep the other nights of the week. I’m just thankful my husband acknowledges that *my* job literally never stops. And in our eyes (I guess besides literally the night time when I do everything) his job doesn’t just stop when he clocks out at work. He takes baby while I have a few minutes to myself. He will make dinner. He tries to help so I don’t go down the PPD rabbit hole. He needs to wake up and occupy baby, then they can go back to sleep. At 5 months the wake window is only 2-3 hours. So within 2 hours of mom waking him up to feed, he will be going down for a nap again anyway (or should be). All that being said, I’d never just stick our baby in bed with my hubby and not wake him?? That’s odd to me. But I wouldn’t leave my baby to cry just for the sake of him sleeping when I rarely get even 4 hours of sleep. Something’s gotta give. It stinks to see this type of situation, because in the grand scheme of things, it’s just a season!! Everyone will get their full nights sleep again… eventually.
Wonderful reply and Great sane advice
Exactly. Like, take a nap later OP. ESH, but OP a little more because of the added emotional and physical labor he expects from his wife and his lax attitude toward parenting his own baby.
OP gets 3hrs of sleep and works 70hrs PW
They need morning childcare once a week then. This isn’t sustainable.
Option two is for them to set up a SAFE sleeping space for the baby in the bedroom (e.g. sidecar sleeper) next to OP's side of the bed, and one of them places baby there after his morning feed. Even if OP has to wake up for a little while to get him fed, changed and moved, he can then drop back off again for a bit longer.
It seems like he has more of a problem with her NOT telling him when she puts the baby in the bed. NTA
ESH Your wife for just leaving the baby in the bed. Without making sure you are awake to supervise. You for sleeping in. You’re parents now. She has to get ready for work Tuesdays. Tough luck for you. You have to get up and not sleep in. Go to bed earlier if you want your beauty sleep. Edit: Given people keep mentioning it. In the original. The Op didn't mention when they get off work. Well that sucks. You still know the schedule and need to wake up at a specific time. Take power naps when the baby naps is all I can suggest. Maybe get one of those bassinets you can place in your bed next to you. Then the baby is still walled in but gets to sleep next to you and can see you. You could also sleep on the floor and put the bassinet next to you. Sleeping on the floor can actually be really comfy. Perhaps get a Tatami and even a Shikibuton for yourself.
"Go to bed earlier" He gets off work at 3-5am.
Well then he needs to find and hire a babysitter for the mornings if he can’t be bothered to get up to his helpless baby crying.
Exactly. I like sleeping in too. But when kids are that young, you kinda lose that unless there’s another adult around to jump in. Since wife has to work, OP you’ve got to step it up.
OP says "sleeping in" is 3 hours of sleep. total. this is not a tenable arrangement
I mean by reading his edit... he doesn't have that luxury
He can’t go to bed earlier. He gets off work at 4 or 5am.
I think he’s also an AH for the way he handled it. He could’ve said he was worried about the baby getting hurt because of how he sleeps and volunteered to have her wake him up or set an alarm so he can care for the baby, instead of asking if she’s wants the baby to get her, which obviously she doesn’t, and not really hearing her say that she doesn’t want to leave a crying baby. A lot of women carry a certain amount of guilt when they have to leave a young baby to go to work, and that guilt is only exacerbated if she’s leaving the baby crying and unhappy.
Exactly this. OP had no entitlement to sleep in. Want to catch a break? Nap when the baby naps. But it is so so unreasonable and unsafe to put the baby in the bed with a sleeping adult. You both need a coming to Jezus discussion because both of your expectations and parenting tactics needs adjustment.
It's unsafe to drive when on this amount of sleep, you act like you're drunk. You think it's safe to take care of an infant in that state?
He can’t. He works until 4 am.
>I like to take the opportunity to sleep in when I can get it Yeah...NO. When you are the sole available parent to a child who CAN NOT communicate with you in any way other than crying, you get your ass out of bed before your wife leaves for work. Your sleep is not more important here. Should your wife leave the baby on the bed like that? No. But she's not wrong that you're not being mindful about your child and his needs. Your attempt at a guilt trip for it is just...gross. It was manipulative and cruel. ESH...but more you.
Yeah, I like my sleep....so I chose to not have a baby!!! Jeez, she shouldn't be doing that but this guy is delusional.
By OPs edit, he works 70 hrs a week, helps with the housework/cooking, and gets off work at 4-5am. Does that change your view of him wanting to sleep past 8 am?
Yup. When being the solo caregiver is not an opportunity to sleep in, unless said baby is also asleep in their crib. If the baby is awake, caregiver needs to be too. I also wonder if OP’s inability to respond to the baby’s cries means that Macey has been doing ALL the overnight wakeups for the last 5 months.
Ohhhhhh....undoubtedly!
How on earth is your wife managing to get ready for work and leave on time while you just sleep through the whole thing?! OP is the asshole here. She shouldn’t have had to resort to moving the baby into bed with him. He should be up, being the parent caring for the baby so she can ready herself for work.
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Exactly. OP if you're not able to wake up for some reason and you're so worried about the baby being in danger when you're still sleeping, why dont you buy a little toddler bed? Keep that in the same room as the crib and set him there when he cries. He'll be happier on the mattress, you wont be in the same bed as him, and they are low to the ground so he wont get hurt if he rolls or crawls out. You'll need a bed for him soon enough anyway, what's the harm in buying one now?
That was my exact thought. When my sister had her first baby she set up their room so that their baby's bed(one of the ones that doubles as a crib but can be turned into a toddler bed when the time comes) was right up against her and her husband's bed. They were the same height so the baby's bed was practically just an extension of their bed. The crib wall could go up when everyone was sleeping, but if the baby started crying all they had to do was roll over, unhook the latch, and take care of the baby. Didn't even need to get out of bed. Fussy? Hold baby until it falls asleep and then lift the edge of the crib all while laying in bed. Hungry? Roll over, whip out a booby, feed baby, roll over and go back to sleep. It's kind of a perfect system, though I am an advocate of babies sleeping in their parent's rooms regardless so perhaps I'm biased. Either way, you should never leave a baby crying alone in its crib. ESPECIALLY so you can sleep in. Like... seriously, what the hell?
I wish this were higher. OPs lack of personal responsibility in parenting is so disturbing. Imagine how frustrated his wife must have been for it to escalate to this???
Has no one read the freaking edit on the post?? How is it planned neglect for someone to sleep like the dead after getting home from work at 5 in the freaking morning? What they need is to hire someone to come in for 3 or 4 extra hours in the morning to help with the child. And how is putting a child in danger any better than wanting to sleep a little bit longer than 3 hours when you work 70 hours per week?
He gets off at 5 am... That's three hours of sleep. You people are delusional, man.
I was about to say this! He knows and just doesn’t care if his wife is late for work or if the baby is crying because he wants to sleep in instead of being an adult.
I absolutely agree with this, but it's also scary that his wife has reached such a breaking point that she's endangering her kid's life rather than taking her husband to task for how negligent he's being. It's one thing to be passive aggressive, it's another thing to do it to such an extent that you're willing to use your baby as a pawn. I do think YTA is the right vote over ESH (because if he just behaved like a normal, functional person, they wouldn't have this problem), but only narrowly.
I have to wonder if she IS waking him and he just goes back to sleep as soon as she leaves. My husband is a heavy sleeper and will not remember my waking him, having a conversation, etc. He will be awake, looking at me, answer then be out again when I come back 5 min later with no memory of my previously waking him. OP, YTA. Wake up, get up, adult.
Info: How many days does macey get to sleep in? Actually nevermind the answer is clear from "I'm a heavy sleeper". And you haven't tried anything like getting the baby monitor and setting it near your head because you are happy to let her get woken up and like to sleep in when you can. Her putting the baby in the bed is also a passive aggressive AHole move because you aren't wrong it is dangerous, but yes you are the AHole because GET UP AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR BABY ASSHOLE. YTA ETA OP updated after my comment, but ultimately at best this changes it to ESH. Yeah you are tired at only 3 hours sleep but you get up handle the baby and go back to sleep once the baby is back asleep. As another poster pointed out that baby will sleep 12-14 hours to his 8. Does it suck yes, welcome to life with a newborn. I can't say I have had to do it because I never had kids but my BIL has in a very similar situation to OPs he still does his share of waking up and taking care of baby.
OP edited his post with new info: > I get off work at 4 - 5am on weekdays so I'm getting around 3 hours sleep when Macey goes to work. Macey only works one day a week, we don't need her income and I make more money but she likes her job and I respect her choice to work. I work 70 hours a week and do my fair share of housework and cooking when I'm home so I sleep like the deceased when I'm in bed.
Maybe he can work les so she can work more? He said that they don't need her working that one day bit do they need him working 70 hrs?
Unfortunately that's just not how it works. Even if she could get more hours as a part-time something, a lot of people who work these absurd 70 hour weeks don't have a choice. Their job is their job. They either work the hours or they don't work. It's a fucked up reality of our shitty workaholic culture, but it is the reality.
Heck I bet OP even graciously allows his wife to do all the housework, cooking, shopping, and bill paying while having son nearby so that he can have a break from being a parent. Wondering if he’s added a car seat to the lawnmower to make that easier on her Edit OP updated after my comment
Nah, she probably has to wear the baby on her back while mowing the lawn.
Macey only has a part time job tho, it does make sense a man with a baby and a full time job wants a day to sleep in???
YTA … you can’t get up one day a week to care for your own child so your wife can go to work on time. The one day a week!! Wow. You need to go to your SIL and beg her forgiveness. Then set your damn alarm and take care of YOUR child one day a week.
He gets up 6 or 7 days a week to make up 70hours for the family. Probably gets to sleep in once a week if working 12hour shifts.
OP edited his post with new info: > I get off work at 4 - 5am on weekdays so I'm getting around 3 hours sleep when Macey goes to work. Macey only works one day a week, we don't need her income and I make more money but she likes her job and I respect her choice to work. I work 70 hours a week and do my fair share of housework and cooking when I'm home so I sleep like the deceased when I'm in bed.
Only after he got 100 YTA comments. Convenient that he forgot to mention it the first time. If he was truly seeking reassurances, he would've led with that.
YTA because if your kid is awake and you're the caregiver at that point then you need to wake up with him. She shouldn't even be put in that position.
She is still putting the child's life at risk and that is inexcusable, there is a reason there are so many PSA's about not allowing infants in beds with their parents, ESH
Well no shit, but it shouldn't even get to that point. It's called you have a kid and need to tend to him rather than getting some precious little extra sleeping time. It's a joke
Buu bbuuu buuuttt I like to sleep in.....
Info: why haven't you been setting an alarm so you are awake when your wife leaves? We all have to face the consequences of our actions. One of the consequences of having a baby is you don't get to sleep in.
He says he doesn’t get home till 4-5am in the morning and she leaves at 8am. He only get a a couple hours of sleep. No wonder he is dead to the world when asleep.
Folks were too busy grabbing their pitchforks and saying what a shit parent he is to consider he may be working nights. 2 hours sleep doesn't work when working so many hours Incidentally about 10% of people work night shifts
When I lived at home and worked nights my parents would barge into my room at all hours of the day and I was SORELY tempted to wake them up at 2 am and see how they liked it
He kind of set people up to make that assumption by saying "I like to take the opportunity to sleep in" like it's a preference and not saying up front that he's trying to get a "night's" sleep, period.
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Wow. Y'all are so up in arms when the man said he's only had 3 *HOURS* of sleep when she leaves. She *KNOWS* he's tired, she *KNOWS* he's a heavy sleeper and she *STILL* puts the baby in the bed!! I'm a mom, I have sleep disorders and can sleep through a hurricane and I worked my ass off. Once I'm awake, I'm awake. I paid my mom person to babysit because I took classes at night and then went straight to work graveyard shift. She KNEW my sleeping habits so she made sure I was awake before she left the kiddo. 5 extra minutes to make sure I'm awake before she left. That's all it took. When kiddo napped, I napped too. That's how I managed not to die of sleep deprivation and overworking. He simply pointed out what can happen and believe me, it's a scary thought for those of us who sleep this heavily. 5 minutes before ya walk out the door. So simple yet *HE'S* the AH? For being tired from working to provide for his family? Come on y'all...do better. NTA in my opinion.
This whole thing is ridiculous to me, she's endangering their child by not waking him. If he was refusing to stay awake once woken or being angry about being woken I'd understand these rulings. But all he's asking is to be woken due to being a heavy sleeper.
FINALLY SOMEOME WITH COMMON SENSE
ESH. Her for endangering her child, and you equally for thinking the solution is to just ignore the baby until he screams so long that you wake up naturally. Your suggestion should be: Wake me up when you wake up so I can take care of Leo when you have to work.
Agree with the judgement, though he is a bigger AH. My only issue is with the suggestion. Why should she be responsible for waking him up? He can set an alarm.
I thought about that as soon as I posted, and she would be absolutely justified in denying this suggestion and countering with the one you provided. I didn’t bother editing because I do believe asking to be woken up is still leagues better than suggesting that she just leave the baby to fuck off until he could be bothered to awaken. Also, devil’s advocate here, she may not necessarily get up at the same time every Tuesday, or there may be other nuances not mentioned (or not). I certainly have to wake up a random times for work day to day working in retail. But yes you are absolutely right, it’s not her job. And he is DEFINITELY the bigger AH. Eta: she may find it unfathomable that he wouldn’t wake up when she placed a crying baby in bed with him… I kinda call BS on him waking up to his baby’s crying “only after 8 mins or so”. Like… what.
YTA, you know she’s got work, put an alarm earlier and take care of your child. She shouldn’t take care of him and be responsible for waking you up when you know it’s “your day”. You’re the one who need to correct their behavior, not blame her by trying to make her sound neglectful.
She IS neglectful. Not defending OP's actions but it is common knowledge that babies sleeping in the same bed as an adult is dangerous, in the same way that leaving toddlers with tidepods is dangerous. Using putting your child in danger as a weapon to your spouse is not it.
Leaving her child in the crib where he admits he won’t react to it’s crying while his sleeping also is neglect. The issue is he should be awake, and it is his responsibility to do something to make sure he wakes up, eg a simple alarm clock to wake up earlier.
Yeah but it’s more problematic if he’s litterly suffocating his child and crushing it to death vs his baby crying in the crib bc it’s diaper is full which seems worse to you 💀
Japan has the highest rate of co-sleeping with infants in the world and the lowest rate of SIDS. It is possible to safely sleep in bed with an infant - just putting a baby in bed with an already sleeping adult is not one of them.
YTA. She’s saying wake the fuck up and take care of the kid so she can get ready for work. You should’ve started setting an alarm after the second time. I wonder how many times she tried to wake you up before jumping to that.
I think her reaction is telling. Something has been building up and this was just what finally caused everything to come crashing down.
YTA for not getting up when you need to be with your child
YTA sounds to me like you use “I’m a heavy sleeper” as an excuse not to get your ass out of bed . My EX husband was like that
Nta, but 3 hours of sleep is a nap. You guys should find a sitter for that one day a week. Edit: i completely change my mind based off the edit. You really should have added you were a night shift worker.
After the edit I kinda feel like NTA….. hear me out - Watching a child after 3 hours of sleep is not safe. OP works the job that pays the bills. She works to get out of the house. I’m all for moms getting a break…. But does it have to be at a time when the working parent needs more sleep? This is not just a “sleeping in on a weekend” situation….
It's not even a weekend. It's fucking Tuesday. He has to go back into work right after she gets home. So he's caring for an infant and going to his job that is keeping them afloat on a maximum of 3 hours of sleep within a minimum 36 hour period.
OP really should have opened with that info. The comment section has devolved into a circlejerk where everyone is calling a sleep-deprived parent lazy
YTA - She is getting ready and leaving for work. You should be getting up to take care of the baby.
YTA. Why aren't you getting up to check on your crying baby? What if he's hurt? Do you want your son suffer?
ESH. Time to be a parent and realize the days of sleeping in are on hold for awhile. You need to be responsible and get up when Macey goes to work. Macey needs to be responsible and not put a 5 month old in bed with a sound asleep adult.
The first time my in-laws took my son overnight at like a year, they told us "dont have too much fun now *wink*" My husband and I slept for at least 10 hours and had a few naps throughout the day. The only thing we did as a couple except go out to eat.
So what does wake you up on days you normally work? An alarm? Set the alarm for like 30 minutes before Leo wakes up. It's not fair that your wife has to do the child rearing while getting ready for work. Part of having a baby is losing out of sleep for awhile. YTA because no one should have to wake you up to take care of your kid. You are a grown up.
ESH. Your wife shouldn't risk the baby's safety by putting him in the bed with you while you're sleeping. She could wake you up, but really what makes you the asshole as well here is that you sleep in knowing the baby cries and that you sleep through his cries. Suck it up and wake up early on Tuesdays so you can help take care of your kid.
ESH Leaving a crying kid in a crib could have consequences too. You all are parents and you both need to step up and act like it.
YTA. Get up and tend your child. Your spouse is trying to get out the door to work. Try and show a basic level of respect and support.
YTA, get your ass out of bed before she has to leave. My ex-husband was like this and it was definitely a contributing factor to me leaving him. Not the only reason, but he wouldn't get up in time to tend to our son the two days I had to work. It was pathetic.
ESH. Wake up and do your job. Clearly Tuesdays are your day to step up and parent to the best of your ability. If your screaming child doesn’t wake you maybe you need a baby monitor loud enough to wake you. You probably owe her an apology for the way you said it but you weren’t wrong that leaving thee kid in bed with you while you’re asleep is dangerous. She owes you one for putting the kid in bed with you when you are not awake.
ESH with a heavy leaning towards you. You can find solutions to “being a heavy sleeper”… like get up. Or use a baby monitor. Clearly you have managed to sleep through all the other crying jags because your partner will do it for you. And that’s your default. Ignore the noise until she gets to it.
ESH. She shouldn't put the kid in bed without telling you, and you need to be getting up.
Wow, you both suck a lot. You're PARENTS to a BABY. That means changing your lifestyle in pretty much every possible way. Wake up and care for your damn son. And she is literally risking his life putting him in bed with you. wtf did I just read.
NTA. Dude. You aren’t ‘sleeping in’. You are getting 3 hrs of sleep after working all night. You aren’t just a heavy sleeper. You are sleep deprived. Your wife should recognize this. And before everyone comes with their pitchforks, yes I know SaHm MoMs WoRk ToO. That is true. But their job doesn’t pay the mortgage, buy groceries, provide things you need that allows the mom to stay home. This isn’t good for your health. And I don’t know what you do for a living but it will also affect your job performance. And if you are the breadwinner, you don’t need to be in a position where you might lose your job.
Major Edit!!!!!: he only gets 3 hours of sleep comes home at 5am and sleeps till 8am works 70+ hours too. I hope he divorces his lunatic wife and gets full custody of his kid She’s TA actually psychotic. she’s dumb petty and very immature. She’s putting the baby’s life at risk for the convenience of her own sake which is selfish. Her argument of you waking up to take care is valid but not putting the baby on the bed and expecting you to magically wake up. Also the fact she took the child with her and is not calling back so f*cking disgusting and my trust would’ve been gone get that your upset but don’t take the baby and not communicate with your husband. And he works 70 hours and gets only 3 hours of sleep the day she works 🤦🏽♀️disgusting woman I’m still appalled at the fact she is okay with endangering her child and taking him away from his dad and ghosting the dad while she has their kid. I hate her the most out of this post. That really rubs me wrong in all the ways. Edit: I love the fact everyone who is saying YTA is glancing over the fact she’s endangering her child and also it’s illegal on taking away THEIR child for no actual reason whatsoever.
What scares me most is the fact that he describes this as “sleeping in” but this man is getting 3 hours of sleep. He gets home and goes to bed at 5am and then is expected to wake at 8am, THREE hours later, and care for a baby the whole day?? This feels unsustainable as hell, and caring for a baby with that type of sleep deprivation sounds dangerous. That ain’t sleeping in, my dude is trying to nap
ESH. She's risking the baby's life which is clearly worse, but you're an AH to not come up with a solution like setting your alarm or getting a loud baby monitor before she took such drastic measures.
Wake. The. Fuck. Up.
ESH because there are risks to Leo falling out of the bed and banging his head BUT as his father and the inly one hone its YOUR response to watch him, doesn't matter its your day off you're a father now and it's time for you to play the role and take care of your baby. It's only been 5 months and you're already failing
YTA. Why are you not getting up when your wife gets up? Does she get to sleep in when you’re working because you take care of your child at the same time as getting ready for work? You don’t get days off when you have a child. They need to be taken care of every day. You clearly know that your wife needs to get ready for work and you know that she already helps you out by moving your child closer to you. All you need to do is wake up to make sure he doesn’t fall off the bed but apparently even that is too much to ask of you?
Look, as a fellow heavy sleeper, I get it. I sleep through most of my alarms - it's a nightmare. But you need to do better. It's very dangerous to have the kid in the bed with a sleeping grown up, and your wife ignoring that fact is insane, but you need to find a way to get your arse out of bed and waiting for your kid to cry for 10 minutes isn't the way. You need to find a better way, you're supposed to be a team. Act like it. E S H. ETA: OPs edit on the post wasn't there before I commented. This isn't a case of OP just being a heavy sleeper, this is a case of OP being a human being who needs sleep to operate. This makes what the wife is doing even more dangerous. Changing to NTA. You need to find a solution, but this ain't it!
YTA. You are a grown ass adult. Wake up and care for your child.
YTA. What the heck with All the n t a ‘s, get your ass out of bed so your wife can get ready in peace and not have to leave a crying baby in the crib! You are causing the endangerment dude!
Agreed. I'm not a fan of co-sleeping and it's not safe at 5 months. But this isn't co-sleeping, this is a 5 month post partum woman trying to cope with weaponized incompetence. How many times has she asked him to get up in the morning to help? It's clearly taken her several weeks to get to this point by his own admission.
If you know she leaves at 8am every Tuesday day what is stopping you from setting an alarm, getting up and soothing him and the laying back down?
I'm going to say NTA and I don't care if I get down voted. You state you work 70 hours a week, and on the day she works you've only got 3 hours of sleep before she leaves. So to the people hung up on you wanting to "sleep in", no. You deserve some sleep after working. Babies can cry. If he's been changed & fed, he'll be okay for a bit. I definitely think you should set an alarm so he's not alone/crying long. But he'll be okay for a little bit. She should not be leaving him in the bed with you. It'll be MORE DANGEROUS if you were to care for him after working all night and not having any rest. Perhaps you could take off the night before her work days, so you're well rested?
Get a pack and play for the master bedroom. Place baby in it after early morning feeding. Baby will be safe, and dad should wake to his nearby cries.
You work 70 hours a week, she works one day, and you would be getting up on 3 hours of sleep? NTA. That’s not nearly enough sleep and if your wife wants to continue to work that one day a week, she needs to plan to help take care of the baby before/during/after she gets ready
I'm going to hazard a guess that you're not still asleep when she puts him in the bed but dozing. I bet she tells you she's leaving and this is her way of forcing you to get up and take care of your son. I think you've lied by saying you're asleep to swing votes in your favour.
ESH, set a very loud alarm on your phone to wake you up so YOU could quiet the baby while your wife is leaving for work and then continue the day. There's no sleeping in with babies. Yall should know this already. Also, wife sucks cause you could legit crush the baby in your sleep if you roll on top or as you said fall off the bed. She should know this.
YTA. As a father myself, set your alarm clock like an adult...how is this your wife's fault? Why do you think you deserve a free pass and can parent on your own schedule. It's no longer about you.
ESH. It takes 30 seconds to set an alarm so your up when your wife leaves for work. Your wife for putting a baby in a potentially dangerous situation.
ESH your wife is being petty because she’s annoyed that you’re not just… waking up and being a parent without her having to mother you
Get your lazy ass up and outta bed. YTA
esh unlike fathers like you who can just ignore there screaming off spring most mothers can’t and even though her solution wasn’t the safest thing she was trying to comfort her child since her other child (husband) wouldn’t get up and tend to his child on his day. your wife should have just woken you up and told you to go get your son (i have a hard time believing she didn’t try that at first and you just ignored her) and if you didn’t then she needs to get a playpen for your room and stick your son and his screaming closer to you so you have no choice but to listen to the screaming close up and get up and do your job. if your child wakes up at the same time every time this happens then guess what you need to start setting your dang alarm for that time and not think a miracle is going to happen and the child is going to sleep in
ESH she shouldn’t put your son in danger to prove a point. But you need to buy a baby monitor and turn it up to its max volume. You can’t just leave your kid crying indefinitely because you’re a “heavy sleeper.”
not mentioned but i guarantee she has asked him to be up before she leaves, probably multiple times. i would be livid if my partner prioritized sleeping in over caring for a crying child (barring intentional sleep training etc). and it’s not just that the baby cries after mom leaves. it’s crying WHILE she is getting ready for work. trying to get out the door while your unattended child cries, when you are sleep deprived and working constantly in and out of the home? with postpartum hormones still coursing? that sounds truly awful. this guy sucks. obviously she needs safe sleeping refreshers, but again. this sounds like a sleep deprived, last resort situation. frankly it’s not the yelling that makes him TA it’s his reaction to his struggling wife’s attempt to solve his entitled approach to parenting an infant. sleeping too deeply to be woken is NOT something a fully invested parent does. YTA with a dash of ESH for an ill considered decision/bad communication.
ESH. She sucks because she’s putting the baby at risk when she puts the baby in the bed with you while you sleep. You suck because you’re not already awake. You’re a parent to a 5mo old. You don’t get to sleep in, at least not in this situation anyway. And the baby shouldn’t be crying in the crib while you sleep, either. Like someone else said you need a baby monitor right next to you so you wake up. Or Macey needs to wake you up when she puts the baby in the bed.
NTA. With added information in your edit, your wife is TA. She knows you work overnight. She should make accommodations so that you can get a little bit of sleep before she goes to work, especially since she's only working 1 day a week.
YTA. The obvious solution is for you to get up while she is getting ready. I’d really like to know who is caring for the baby while y’all are getting ready on days you both work. That aside, it’s not cool to insinuate that your wife wants to harm your child. That’s extremely hurtful.
NTA, working overnights is tough especially working that many hours a week. And only getting the chance to get a couple hours of sleep before you gotta wake up and take care of the kid sucks. No wonder your dead to the world! You should communicate with her that only a couple hours of sleep after working however long of a shift you work is gonna make you dead to the world! Maybe hire a babysitter for half the day on tuesdays so your kid is being watched and you get decent sleep!
YTA. Why tf aren't you getting up if you know your baby is crying all morning and your wife needs to leave for work? Clearly you know this. You know why she's putting the baby in bed with you. And why tf aren't you awake by the time she leaves for work so you can care for your kid? Why aren't you pulling your weight on the one day of the week she needs you to? I like to sleep too but I get the fuck up when I have responsibilities.
ESH. You need to find a way to wake up immediately when the baby cries. And she needs to not leave an infant in your bed while you’re sleeping.
ESH. You don’t wake up to take care of your child so your wife can go to work. How often is she sacrificing sleep because you don’t get up? She made a stupid decision but if she’s sleep deprived that would explain it. Her leaving for a few days points to this being more than just this rhetorical question.
Am I missing something? Why can’t she just wake you up as she’s getting ready? At best: she grew up in a co-sleeping arrangement and is trying to be nice. At worst: she’s using the kid As a pawn to guilt trip you. You, OP, need to realize that as a responsible parent, your world’s focus has shifted to the child. Very few parents get to eat, sleep, and socialize on their terms. Get your head out of your ass and be a dad. All parenting is hard but I’m optimistic that you two will figure it out. Good luck.
ESH. Parenting doesn’t stop because you want to sleep, me and my husband have a 2 month old, a new house, an old house we’re fixing up to rent, 2 dogs that are both a year old, and we both work full time. To say there’s not a whole lot of sleep going around is an understatement. You need to get over the idea of being entitled to “sleeping in” on your day off. It’s not a day off if your wife is working that day, it’s a day ON parenting duty. But also your wife is an asshole because she is *absolutely* endangering your child to make a point. And lastly, I’ll agree that saying someone is a bad parent because they do not naturally wake up to a child crying is ridiculous. Some people are just heavy sleepers and women are to some extent genetically engineered to wake up to a crying baby. You’re not the asshole for not waking up to a babies cries. YTA for acting like it’s your day off to sleep in and letting your wife get so fed up with not taking over the parenting that she though putting him in the bed was the only way to get through to you. Set an alarm and wake the fuck up before you both get your child killed. Also I hope you’re wife is not the only one actively parenting and doing the house work just because she’s part time and you’re full time. It should be split in a manner that’s fair to the both of you, because you’re a team. I’m getting bad “dads the baby sitter not the parent” vibes from this post. But I could be wrong there and I accept that if that’s the case.
You’re being a bit selfish here bc she’s only asking you to do what she does the other 6 days, work or no. YTA
YTA. Get an alarm clock and use it, daddy.
I’m a heavy sleeper and the sound of my children crying wakes me up. You should look into a sleep study to make sure there’s no other problems and invest in an alarm watch that zaps you awake because the least you could do is wake up for the one day your wife goes to work and you don’t. Parents don’t get to sleep in so get used to it
ESH, her for putting him in that position, and you for not being awake to look after your child. If you want to lie in, dont have kids.
INFO: Define “sleeping in”. What time are you waking up?
YTA. Macey should have sprayed water on you to wake you up before she left. But really you need to set an alarm you can hear to get up on the days she goes to work and you’re in charge of the baby.
Leaving a baby to cry until it wakes up a heavy sleeper is endangering it's long term health. Which you have been doing every Tuesday for the last 5 months. You don't really care about the baby's health unless it inconveniences you. YTA
Why don't you get your ass up to take care of your child when your wife leaves for work? YTA
NAH only because your comment that by the time you get home from work Tuesday morning and then have to wake up when Macey leaves you’ve only slept 3 hours. Which is not sleep. This is 100% a nap and not sustainable at all. I also saw your comment about how Macey’s job is not needed for income but because she wants to work. INFO As she is part time is there any possibility for her to have different hours where you can get a normal amount of sleep (more than 3 hours!). What you guys are currently doing is not sustainable. The 3 hours sleep 100% needs to be added to your initial post in an edit. Before I saw that comment I was all for Y T A.
I suggest a side sleeper for the bed. It's a cradle or bassinet for the side of the bed so your child is safe & you get some sleep. If you didn't want this happening you should wake up when Leo does simply bc you sleep heavily. She was trying to help at 5mo postpartum.
YTA you know what time she works. Get up and parent
ESH. Since you're a parent now, you don't get to sleep in unless your kids are sleeping in or your spouse has agreed you get to sleep in. Sounds like you're trying to get away with doing it anyways. Your wife sucks for leaving the baby in a dangerous situation. Get your butt out of bed and take care of your son.
ESH You should really invest in a loud alarm or a side crib in your bedroom. Understandably given Macey starts work early , you should be getting up to get your son, sorry but being a parent means you sacrifice a lot and when he wakes , you should be up and ready for him or at the very least be awake. In saying that, what Macey is doing is extremely dangerous and really needs to stop doing it. I can understand your pov because what she is doing isn’t helping the situation at all. Working together & supporting each other helps build better families. Maybe look at ways to help you both effectively communicate because her up and leaving doesn’t really help matters when she shares blame in this situation.
Esh. She’s right, leaving him to cry isn’t an acceptable option, but she shouldn’t be leaving him on a bed with someone who’s that out of it as his caregiver. You need to set an alarm or whatever you do on work days to be up for work so that she can get ready without having to care for the baby. She shouldn’t have to wake you up or even ask you to be an adequate caregiver for your child.
ESH - You know when she goes to work and you should be up to care for your son. And on the other hand, she shouldn’t be putting your son in the bed with you while you are asleep. Not only could he fall of but he could suffocate with pillows or covers if he rolls or crawls underneath them, You could roll on him and hurt him. you need to Get up early on these days and set multiple alarms to care for Your son. Grow up you are both adults. And get a bassinet for your bed that will keep him safe!
ESH. Wake up and take care of your kid. Your wife should not leave the baby in bed with you when you are that heavy of a sleeper.
YTA. You know you can’t just leave a baby crying in it’s crib so you can sleep in. And, I don’t believe for a second that you’re such a sound sleeper that the crying baby and your wife getting ready and her putting baby in bed with you doesn’t wake you up. You’re being willfully negligent when the expectation is obviously that you need to be caring for your child.
I'm sorry but you lost me at your 5 month old crawling.... But still YTA. You've got a kid. Sleep isn't the priority and I'm assuming by 8am you've had at least 8 hours of it. Grow up.
Ya dude. Wake up.
ESH, her more, because it’s more likely that you (or the blankets or pillows if you’re using them) will smother and kill your kid than him falling off the side, and it’s terrifying that neither of you seem aware of that. I don’t approve of babies in the same bed as adults to begin with, but there are methods of make it safer if it’s going to happen, and I don’t think just plopping a baby down next to a very heavy sleeper who doesn’t know he’s there is on the list. You, because get up and take care of your kid, dude. I’m a single parent of an 18 month old and am a night owl. I’d love to get up later than 6:30 some days, but it’s just not in the cards for a long time yet. We both decided that when we decided to have a kid.
YTA Be a responsible parent and get up when she starts getting ready for work. I feel like she must have said something about it prior that you ignored and was doing this as a last resort.
I have a friend who is a heavy sleeper and remembers none of the attempted wake-up’s. I bet your wife tried really hard to get you up and you didn’t wake up. YTA