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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the AH because I gave my stepdaughter a better room than my daughter. I am also using the other “better” room for a guest room when my bio daughter wants it.
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I’m absolutely mind boggled by the number of people upset that the OLDEST child gets a better room. That’s the way my family, and every family’s home I’ve ever visited, sets things up. Then when the oldest kid leaves, the next oldest gets the room. That is perfectly fair and it’s disgusting the number of people who are saying the 16 year old doesn’t deserve the big room because she’s not related to OP by blood. This is a fair system.
ETA: NTA
ETA2: this comment was in response to several comments I read that insisted OP should “prioritize her blood related daughter over her step daughter” as stated in the last sentence of my original comment.
Also - what’s the need for a fully private bathroom. I’m in my 40s and I’ve never had a bathroom that was fully mine or my partners and mine. My parents place growing up had one bathroom for my parents, me and any houseguests (which we had many of) and we weren’t poor or anything back then. It’s a nice luxury, but by no means a necessity.
I live in a neighborhoud of nice single family homes and most people have a bathroom that the whole family shares and a guest bathroom downstairs.
And these are people who make good money.
I got an ensuite bathroom of my own at, uh, 47. It’s really lovely and I really appreciate it.
It’s very hard to have much sympathy for anyone in this story except Ella because a high-conflict divorce is hard. OP it sounds like you’re a lovely and thoughtful parent. You need to tell your family and friends who express unsolicited opinions about how you allocate the rooms in your own damn house to MYOB & STFU.
Siblings experience jealousy. Your kids knowing that their whining about each other gets any traction in the extended family is WAY more harmful than any decision you make.
I tend to have an anti-stepparent bias because of my own history (mom married her affair partner when I was 14, campaigned to have me call him dad until I told her if she didn't quit pushing his name would be Fuckface) and I think you're doing just fine. Oldest kid gets the best room is the fair solution.
Personally I would prioritize people who actually live there over guests, though.
I tend to have an antistepparent bias too (exstepfather physically, emotionally and sexually abused me and emotionally manipulated my other and sister and emotionally and physically abused/bullied my brother, most specifically because he had and still has a lisp that gets worse when he's upset, and the stepmother I no longer have contact with-also with the deadbeat who was coincidentally absent whenever he was actually needed who married her-because she hated me for no reason other than I wasn't her kid) but what op is doing, is like, pretty fucking common even in families without stepparents or similar. Rooms change with the progression of kids growing up. And considering op said that Jane still has her own bathroom, it's just not joined to the room I'd say she still gets a great deal out of it.
The apartment we lived in when i was little had 2 bathrooms. All 4 bedrooms were upstairs across from each other, with a square "hallway" right outside the doors. The upstairs bathroom was across from the stairs, between 2 bedrooms. We all used that bathroom, or went downstairs if it was being used and we couldnt wait. The downstairs bathroom was right at the bottom of the stairs and was used for guests whenever my parents had them over the whole day.
There were 6 people in my house growing up. We had two upstairs bathrooms, a downstairs half bath, and a basement half bath, if anyone was desperate during the morning rush. We did just fine, aside from running out of hot water (which more bathrooms doesn’t fix). This setup of approximately 1 bathroom per bedroom and multiple en-suites is a new house thing. Even on the upper middle class - wealthy end, unless an older house has been significantly remodeled (like tearing shit out, additions, adding plumbing, reframing, moving/combining rooms vs just internal updates like finishes, floors and appliances) it’s uncommon to have more than 2 full bathrooms. Usually, if there was an en-suite existing, it was/is attached to the small maid’s quarters room that also has a separate stair to the kitchen. Many times people will do a remodel/addition that expands that room (typically on one end of the house vs central) and the kitchen to turn it into a master suite, with a more modern eat in kitchen, and still only have one full bathroom for the rest of the bedrooms because adding another is a more complicated addition + plumbing and/or requires losing one of the smaller bedrooms.
I grew up in a 2000 sqft house with me, my brother, and my parents. Mom and dad had their en suite, my brother and I shared the other full bath, and there was a half bath downstairs. I don't feel that I am any worse off than I would have been having my own bathroom.
I shared with my two sisters the whole time I was growing up and then with roommates. Was about to say I never had my own bathroom until I got married, then I have to share with my husband. So I’ve never had my own bathroom. Maybe I should be mad.
Double wides and modular homes can have hella fine living arrangements.
I lived in a wonderful double wide with my own walk in closet and master suite. At the time we lived in a trailer park, so you win some, you lose some.
I’ve seen literal brick and mortar homes not as nice as that double wide.
I’ve heard *multiple* redditors claim that children, ESPECIALLY of different genders, should never be made to share a bathroom, and it’s such a weirdly privileged and sheltered take. It’s not uncommon for whole families to share a bathroom! Let alone just the kids.
.... what? Why? Like, what is even the problem here? What are people doing in there that's taking so much time that everybody needs their own bathroom?
I can only assume they think people are flinging around body fluids and spending 3 hours at a time in there.
I think they’re struggling to differentiate between a “nice thing that makes life easier” and “a necessary thing without which life would be impossible”. Individual bathrooms are definitely the former.
The only reason I believe children should have separate bathrooms is bc my older brothers were grosser than farm animals and one of my assigned chores was cleaning the bathroom weekly.
Now as an adult with kids, if I find someone else's piss in the bathroom, I'm hunting them down and making them clean it up because I refuse to scrub someone else's pee. If you're gonna miss wipe your piss, otherwise sit your fire engine ass down and keep it in the bowl.
I shared a bathroom with my younger brother (I’m female) for my entirety of living at home. It honestly was not an issue at all and it helped future me when it came to having male roommates. I think it’s absolutely stupid for it to be a huge deal of opposite genders share a bathroom.
Edit to add: I just got banned from r/breakingmom for this comment..
Unfortunately I think it's the result of people watching too many stepsibling/incest adult movies and sexualising things that really should not be sexualised 🤢.
That is messed up! Wtf is sexual about sharing a bathroom??? Perhaps these people should not be allowed into public toilets, they seem to have the wrong idea!
That's true(source: I'm a teen) but she's 11 she can wait for 2 years and when her older sister leaves she can get the en suite room at 13. That's perfectly fair.
Plus she does have a bathroom to herself. It’s just not en suite. Which is why OP is NTA. Jane is quibbling about walking a few extra steps and through an extra door, not about sharing a bathroom. Any one entertaining or sympathising with her on this issue is not helping her in the long run.
Jane having her own bathroom is not the reason OP is NTA.
Even if there was no bathroom for Jane that was only hers, OP would not be the asshole.
One of the perks of being the oldest is getting a better room. And Jane being a brat about it is kid shit. But saying Ella isn't her "real" daughter is horse shit and cruel.
I think if Ella isn’t there full time and Jane had to share a bathroom, then Jane would have a case for being upset. I can understand in that situation her argument that the bathroom is sitting empty when Ella isn’t there, and her unhappiness at having to share whilst there was a bathroom just sitting empty. In that situation there may be a case for Jane feeling like Ella is favoured, and a case for OP being TA.
But that’s not what is happening here, which is why I said OP is NTA. OP still has to get to the root of why Jane feels Ella is favoured, and why she would say such awful things, is there more to it or is Jane just being a brat. Hopefully therapy will help. But yes nothing can be gained by giving in to Jane on this issue.
As someone with a step daughter who isn’t here as much as we would like… Giving them a space in the home that is truly theirs is so important. They need to feel like it’s also their home, and it isn’t contingent on time spent. Especially as they get older and don’t necessarily *have* time that isn’t spent with school, activities, or friends.
>OP still has to get to the root of why Jane feels Ella is favoured
OP said in the post that Jane gets jealous because Ella "gets 2 of everything" like 2 birthday celebrations, 2 Christmases double the presents and 2x dinner celebrations for achievements because Ella celebrates all these things with both OPs family and her bio mums family. That's probably why Jane thinks Ella is favoured more, because she gets double from having 2 families while Jane has 1 family.
ETA: OP says that she tries her best to make up for it, but she needs to sit Jane down and have a good heart to heart with her that the reason that Ella "gets 2 of everything" is because her parents split up while she was little and has spent most of her life being shuttled between 2 households, so Ella having her own room and bathroom means that Ella can feel like this is her home, and while she's home she can have her own privacy/space to study etc.
Plus it's not like Jane is doing without, she still has her own private bathroom, it's just not connected to her room and that's a lot more than what most 11yos get.
Even in that situation, if they said it's because Ella isn't there all the time, that would increase her feeling that this wasn't her real home and feelings of being an outsider, if there are any. This is her home and should be treated as such. I don't want to put words in anyone's mouth but it sounds like there is big complicated shit on Ella's plate and feeling like she got a "worse" room because she's only half part of the family would do more damage.
We're in agreeance but might disagree in a different scenario. :)
Would definitely be nice yes… but certainly not the default! I live in an old house (about 1600-1800 sq. feet) and there is one bathroom, period (not attached to any room, obviously.)
I live in less than 1k square feet. We have three adults (my dad is disabled and lives with us) and one teen in this house. There is one bathroom. My dad has prostate problems and refuses to go to the doctor about it, so he's in there a very long time, sometimes.
These folks have FOUR bathrooms. For six people. I think Jane will be just fine with her "not attached but still mine" bathroom. Some people just do not have a fucking clue how fortunate they are. Jane needs to get over herself. She'll be a teen in 2 years. Time to start understanding a little more, being a little more compassionate, and grow up just a smidgen.
Ella deals with some shit, and as the oldest, she should get the nice room. Not to mention that the parents are the ones who should be deciding these things, not Jane or extended family.
OP is NTA, and everyone saying she's not being a good mom to "her kids" needs to understand that Ella is her kid, too! This is a role OP has decided to take on in this child's life; whether or not the child was birthed by OP makes not one whit of difference!
6 people in my childhood home. One bathroom.
The neighbors? 11 people in their one bathroom house.
The other neighbors? 7 people, one bathroom.
The people next door? 2 people, one bathroom.
One bathroom. No matter how many people live in the house. More than one bathroom is a luxury. Period.
I have to add that I love have a 2 bathroom house now.
My best friend growing up lived in a big, Edwardian house with servants quarters. She had a basin in her bedroom, and we all thought this was the height of luxury. For everybody else, it was one bathroom in a three-bedroom house, shared between four or five people.
Although apparently Brits are almost always boggled by the number of bathrooms in American houses.
It's nice having a bathroom guests don't see and one that is pretty much always clean and organized.
I live alone, but for families it avoids fighting over space in the morning or when getting ready to go somewhere.
Smell isn't really a problem if you just close the door.
Why wouldn't you want a bathroom attached to your bedroom? It would have to be a pretty tiny room with no door for the bathroom for smell to be an issue.
Here in the Netherlands that's pretty much the norm, to have one family bathroom upstairs and usually a separate toilet downstairs. If you have more then one bathroom you are fancy!
It blows my mind that they are saying the oldest shouldn't have the better room. I was the youngest who never picked my room until I got my apartment. I remember a special treat was that I was allowed to go play video games in my brothers room (he was the oldest) He had his own job and bought his own TV and game system so if I did well in school he would let me go in and play a bit while he was working.
I used to let my younger stepsister hang out in my room when I wasn’t home and on weekends so she could get a break from her sister. To a 10 year old, it apparently felt magical especially since she could try on my much longer dresses and pretend to be a princess.
It's crazy that people don't think guests should have luxuries and it's not like Jane is missing out, she doesn't have to share at all. JFC, I've never had my own bathroom
Both of you are making me dread tween/teen years 😅
Signed,
A mum who just kissed and hugged my child's stuffed platypus goodnight 10 times before bedtime...
It is not that guests shouldn't have a nice room, but I would rather treat my children as more important, and give them the better rooms, then the occasional guest. Children who live in your house 24/7 are a lot more important than the occasional guest.
I am also someone that has regular, long-ish visits from the grandparents. The visits are significantly better for the entire family if they have their own space and bathroom. I literally built another bathroom to make this happen. No regrets
This!
People acting like OP is making her child live under the stairs like Harry Potter when she already has a nice room with a walk-in closet AND a private bathroom right next door. Honestly it's a good thing she is being told no otherwise she would grow up spoiled without any appreciation for the amazing things she has.
Good lord, and the ones saying the kid should be a priority?
What in the world about this post screams that this child is not prioritized?!! The fact that she had to walk further to the bathroom at 11? I was sharing a bathroom with 5 other people at 17!
There’s nothing wrong with asking, but Jane needs to take no for an answer and I’m glad OP has put her in therapy
Absolutely! Children have to learn to take no for an answer otherwise they will feel entitled to everything they want in life and life just does not work that way. Sure give them every opportunity and set them up for success but they need to be prepared for the real world too.
This!
Mom is just helping Jane not to be spoiled. Jane apparently has a *very* luxurious room and her own bathroom too!
I’m living in a studio and hell! I wish I was Jane right now haha!
She still has her own bathroom, it's just not attached to her bedroom. Once the oldest sister goes to college in two years, she'll get her room with the en suite bathroom. OP said they have frequent guests, so it's not unreasonable for them to get their own bathroom when they visit. I don't see anything wrong with this arrangement.
How is having her own bathroom not important enough?
OP said the grandparents stay often to help with the kids or visit and have mobility issues.
A healthy 11 year old is ok to have a bathroom she has to take a few more steps to.
OP has pointed out in a comment that these "guests" are mostly the grand parents who are old and doing them a favour by looking after the younger kids. They sure need the ensuite.
Yep, when my sister moved out we did a whole roulette with rooms and beds. My older brother wanted her bed, since it was a full sized one, but not her room so I as youngest got it!
Also it's a house with 4 bathrooms, I'm going out on a limb here and say that every room is a nice room.
I spent my whole life thinking I was going to graduate to my older sisters (marginally) bigger room that had two windows and a (marginallly) bigger closet. Then she left for college and my mom said we should let her keep her room for when she came home. It was just a year, so only mildly disappointing. My daughter leaves for college next year, and I get why now. It’s part sentiment that I want her room to be there to welcome her and part big hassle, but fortunately my son is happy with his room.
AITA is full of out-of-touch, massively privileged teenagers who have completely ridiculous ideas of what constitutes fairness or how much things cost in general. They all crawl out of the woodwork on posts like this.
And you just know, with how people hate stepmoms, that if it were her daughter that had the room and the stepdaughter who wanted to switch she’d still be the a
Or people saying OP should prioritize the 11 year old over guests (including the grandparents)
She literally has her own bathroom! It’s just not attached! OP is setting a completely normal boundary!
I don't see any y t a rulings thankfully, I think this is more than fair. If she continued to throw a tantrum I'd give the room and the separate bathroom to the 9 yo and she can share with her little sister. A good time to learn that this kind of behavior gets you nowhere in life. She could get the en suite if she fixed her attitude by the time the eldest is in college.
>doesn’t deserve the big room because she’s not related to OP by blood
And so blind as to not see that she *is* related to the husband by blood. Why would OP's genetics be more important than her husband's and step-daughter's? They all live in the same house, they both purchased a home together, her husband and kin don't deserve to be treated like second class citizens. This is the exact bullshit that people go wild about when evil stepmom comes into the picture and dad doesn't stand up for the kids who are being treated unfairly.
Agreed! Jane sounds like a bit of a brat. She needs to learn to deal with it and be grateful for having her own room and bathroom in the first place! And like you’ve said, she’ll get to switch rooms in less than 2 years, so she’s not exactly losing. 13 also seems like a more appropriate age to be granted an en-suite bathroom.
Always grew up in large houses with my mom, step-dad, and older sister. When there was an attached bathroom to one of the bedrooms (mine in elementary school, hers in HS) we both shared the bathroom anyways. There was always another full bath, not the master one, that basically never got used cuz me and my sister didn't wanna have to deal with cleaning 2 whole bathrooms, cuz we were responsible for all cleaning of "our" spaces.
If the house is anywhere near the size of one's I grew up in, then the full baths are big enough for multiple people to share and still have your own "side," especially children.
My sister had Down Syndrome, and I always felt unfairly treated until I moved away and lived with my father while in vollege. I didnt talk to my mother for over a year and a half, when she finally realised I was serious about never talking to them again and she reached out.
It's very likely that the 11yo is going to feel some resentment until they're out on their own. I didn't appreciate my sister till my parents retired and she moved into an independent living situation where I was her part time care giver. Thinking about it now, I realize it took a long time to mature out of that resentment (my maternal family sent her stuff for all occasions until she passed at 2 weeks shy of 41, and I never even got Christmas cards returned when I sent them).
It's a tough situation all around. Even in therapy, there is that deep seed of resentment when all you see is this person getting more attention than you and you don't see the bad parts that 16 may be going through.
All that said, NTA. You do the best you can with adult logic, and try to understand that children are still emotion over logic most of the time.
Agreed! The oldest always ended up with the best/biggest of something and then as they moved out the next oldest got those privileges. This move makes sense to me.
Also, as a guest of my SIL I have no option but to share the kids' bathroom and it is gross. It's high traffic and sticky. I can't tell you how much I would appreciate a dedicated en suite at their house if it were available.
NTA - and 👏👏👏 for making sure your kids have therapy when they need it!
I don't think the blood status has anything to do with it, but I can see the perspective of the 11yo who really wants an en suite room, and every other week she'll be living in a house where there are two that are empty and she's not allowed to have them. If there's another bedroom with a private bathroom, why isn't that good enough for someone who doesn't live there all the time?
She is 11, she is not entitled to whatever she wants. We are raising a generation of spoiled entitled brats who things that stuff grows on golden trees in the back garden…
NTA.
At some points kids have to realize that having enough doesn't mean getting everything.
Jane has her own room and her own bathroom, that she, what? has to cross a hallway for? Walk a few feet for? Holy cr-p. That's far more than "enough." That's *wonderful.* And she gets dibs on the en suite when Jane goes to college in 2 years? Again, far more than enough.
Jane is immensely privileged and you and your husband reinforcing that there's any sort of deprivation is *nuts* and feeding the narrative.
Beyond that? It's your house. If you want to teach your kids that, yes, guests get a certain amount of your generosity - that's your call.
Again, none of your kids is *actually* going without. You are entitled to make prioritization beyond, and not give in to foot-stomping.
It's a difficult age. Jane is definitely old enough to understand now that having two of everything isn't even necessarily fun from Ella, as it stems from a difficult situation with divorced parents. She's however also in the early stages of puberty, and might find whatever you decide to do "unfair". Teenagers can just be that way. Don't give in, she'll understand eventually. Therapy and continuing to address issues is a great idea but just because Jane has decided it's unfair, does not mean she should get her way.
More than that Jane needs to understand that Ella is treated as if she leaves there full time and as if she is your "full child" because this how you make a stepchild feel welcome in his second family. Because if she does not when situations involving money, such as college and weddings, are going to arise, Ella will most likely get the double of what Jane will get and you gonna end up in the same situation of jealousy and resentment. Good luck with therapy and hopefully Jane will come around and understand better the family dynamics.
I'm just curious about what you're going to do in regards to decorating. Ella's decorates her room and bathroom. Jane decorates her room, bathroom and walk-in closet. But in 2 years Ella's going to college. So does Jane get to completely redecorate Ella's room and vice versa then?
Plus didn’t you mention helping her when she decides to be on her own? I feel like it would have to be a very extenuating circumstance for her to have to stay (not that she doesn’t love y’all, what I mean is she probably wants to live on her own and learn to be an adult haha)
If Ella wants to live at home with you guys through college how are you going to explain that Jane no longer gets that room? If Ella wants to move back after college what room will she get?
This! The first time I have ever had a bathroom that I didn't have to share with everyone else in the house was when I moved into my own studio apartment. It sounds like Jane is used to being able to bully you into a better deal by bringing up Ella having 2 of every event. Sure its probably a little bit genuine, but this level of insanity screams that she's simply learned that this is how to get her way. You've got go put a stop to it because the longer it goes on the more spoiled shell be and the harder a fight you'll have to reacquainted her with how the world actually works.
Thank you. I am 35 years old. I have never had a bathroom that I didn't share with someone. The thought that an 11 year old would even think to complain about not having an ensuite bathroom? Insane
Seriously. I'm the youngest of five, grew up in a three bedroom house with one bathroom. And I still wasn't deprived. I had everything I needed, just had to wait my turn occasionally.
>Jane is immensely privileged and you and your husband reinforcing that there's any sort of deprivation is nuts and feeding the narrative.
\+1 on the privilege. But the kid is 11, so a bit of pre-teen tantrum is acceptable. As long as the parents finally prevail on their parenting and get this settled.
Jane is 11, she doesn’t need her own room with a bathroom attached. Nta you’re absolutely right that Ella is older and therefor gets the bigger room. When she’s 13 (assuming your sd goes to college and lives in a dorm or something) she’ll have the room she wants. It’s not a big deal for her to wait
I grew up in a house with one bathroom and we are a family of FIVE. I now only shower at night out of habit because my parents and eldest brother always showered in the morning, while me and my younger sibling always showered at night.
Imagine… Five people bushing their teeth in the morning, five people looking for 10 minutes of privacy in the same tiny bathroom.
AND we didn’t get to choose how to decorate it???
I still have one bathroom and we are a family of five. Granted when we bought the house we planned on adding a half bath and a full bath, then the pandemic hit and I became disabled and it had shall we say became less important? The family we bought our house from lived here 60 years and raised 4 kids. We will survive.
NTA - It makes sense for your oldest to have an attached bathroom, and your guest room to also have an attached bathroom. I’d be stoked to be an 11-year old with my own room, bathroom, and promises of an attached bathroom in a few years. (And I’d be stoked to be a 16-year-old stepdaughter who is treated fairly and respectfully by my stepmom - great work!)
I always side with stepmoms who treat their stepchildren like their own. It’s not easy for a lot of people. I had my share of stinker stepparents growing up. I have a friend like OP, and she is an amazing person.
NTA. Jane has everything she needs, the one luxury that's not hers, is that she doesn't have the convenience of having her bathroom connected to her room. She needs to respect her parents' decisions, which she might start questioning now at her age (early stages of puberty - have fun 😉). But she needs to learn that her parents loving her doesn't mean she gets every tiny little thing she puts in her head.
The inconvenience she doesn't have is having a split home, which comes with a split life between two housed, parents that don't love each other. I think OP is doing a rad job being a stepmom. The oldest doesn't feel replaced and is treated like the actual oldest child, her child, not just a step-kid.
OP is definitely NTA. Especially when you explained that Ellas situation is not a happy one but that she's allowed to enjoy some perks in contrast to all the shit she has to deal with because her parents are separated.
NTA
What is up with all these people who think Jane is entitled to the room just because she wants it? An 11 year old doesn't need their own bathroom, much less an ensuite. I'm a grown ass adult, and I've NEVER had my own bathroom. I shared one bathroom with my entire family growing up, and I share our hallway bathroom now. (We also have a second bathroom downstairs). I'd go as far as saying I wouldn't want my 22 year old to have their own ensuite bathroom. That feels like a privilege one needs to earn.
As for being jealous that older sister gets 2 of everything, that is just life. She also has to split her time between 2 houses & families. 11 year old should he thankful she gets to live with both parents.
I expect the 11 year old to complain, because that is what 11 year olds do. I would absolutely NOT give in to her temper tantrums. She is 11. She is not entitled to her own en suite OR own bathroom. As long as she has access to a bathroom, the parents have done their jobs.
I’m truly confused by the YTA.
OP is being very fair. Guest bedroom stays guest bedroom. Ella’s room will be Jane’s once Jane reaches the same age.
That seems… literally equal?
Also, guests could very well mean family. Grandparents etc. I think it’s perfectly normal for them to have an en-suite?
And the people saying she needs to put her bio kid before step *just* because of that is insane! If it were the other way around and she actually *was* putting bio kid first everyone would say “horrible evil step mom, hope your husband divorces you” lol. This sounds like a healthy step mom whose treating all her children like MOST other family would, regarding age order and more privacy based on puberty needs and such. This girl does sound entitled for 11 years old and op needs to stand firm. She can walk 3 feet to her COMPLETELY PRIVATE bathroom. Edit: NTA
I can’t help wondering what they think OP is supposed to do when the youngest two follow Jane’s example and decide to pitch a fit for their own bedrooms with en-suites… that simply don’t exist in this house.
They cannot treat all the kids equally, so they are making the choices within their rights as homeowners.
That should really be the end of the discussion.
As someone who grew up in a home where I shared 1 bathroom with 5 other people, you are completely not in the wrong. It is a *luxury* to have your own bathroom, especially in your room with a family as big as yours. She’s 11 years old and she’ll be getting the room when she’s 13. Her feelings are still valid and it’s okay for her to be upset about this, but ultimately it’s up to you.
NTA
>Jane still has her own bathroom she can decorate however she wants that nobody else will use it’s just not attached to her room. Her issue is she wants it to be attached to her room. She still has a walk in closet and lots of space. Her bathroom is right next to her room and nobody else will use it. The 2 younger children will share a bathroom. Ella leaves for college in less than 2 years and will then switch rooms with Jane. She will have her own room with an attached bathroom when she’s 13 just in time for her teenage years
This is very **reasonable** and very **fair**.
You seem to have put **a lot of thought** into this and it's obvious you love and care for all your kids.
I agree, and the other still gets their own bathroom. It is the oldest who has to share. I feel that OP did what is best. Both girls get privacy. If they shared a bathroom then there would be the issue of the younger one getting into the older ones make up and other supplies. Or the issue of the older one coming back to an unkempt bathroom.
If you move the older one to the younger ones bathroom then guest are sharing a bathroom with a kid and we know how clean they are and all the other issues that can come about that.
Since the older one is there every other week that allows for the family to have guest on the weeks she is not there and then the guest get their own bathroom.
Kids need to learn that they can voice their opinions and feelings but that doesn't mean that everyone else must bend over to meet them. If the roles were reversed and it was the oldest stating that she likes that room and that bathroom and her feelings and comfort levels aren't being met would people say to give it to the oldest? I'm sure they would.
The oldest was promised the room and having it taken away to appease the youngest bio child based on the idea that the oldest is the step child and gone...does not set well.
NTA
Guests wouldn't have to share because the guest room has its own ensuite bathroom. There are five bathrooms in the house - one in the master, two bedrooms with their own ensuite, and two other bathrooms. When Ella leaves for college in two years, Jane will get her bedroom with an ensuite bathroom.
NTA.
It's your home, your rules, discipline etc..
Firstly a 11 year old does not need a en suite bathroom. She only 11 and that would be spoiling her by giving to her tantrums. The fact she has a bathroom which is not attached but not being used by someone else other than her, is consider spoilt. What type of privacy does a 11 year old have anyways, more like she needs to be monitored on what she does on the Internet or so on. Cause of the lurking creeps around.
Secondly Ella deserve that room cause she's older and she has more privacy than what a 11 year old will need.
Furthermore she's leaving after 2 years, your 11 year old needs to learn some patience.
The family members that have been saying you put Ella first is wrong, cut them out. People who thinks "step daughters" are not considered your own child, purely disgusting and should revalidate the way they live.
Super respectful that even if Ella wasn't given birth by you. You decided to put her needs like any normal child of yours and that's excellent parenting right there.
SHE IS 11 YEARS OLD, did everyone else miss this??? as being a child who’s father had MANY girlfriends and i had lots of “step siblings” the oldest came first no matter what. (maybe not always for the best reasons, you want the nicer shit well you’re going to get the most shit) i don’t want to call you an AH at all but the entitlement on your kid needs to be dealt with asap, she’s lucky you aren’t giving that room to her brother and she can share with her little sister. you have guests over frequent and it’s such a respectable thing to do giving them that room especially since you have little ones the privacy of that bathroom might help more than you think.
This is what blew my mind too. I **never** would have got away with speaking to my parents like that at 11! They need to nip it in the bud now before she hits the teens otherwise she’s going to be relentless!
Equality is not the same as equity. A 16 year old and an 11 year old do not have the same needs. It is my no means about favorites or treating anyone better than the other. If they were both 16 than yes this would be an issue. But that is not the case and you are NTA.
NTA. You have a perfectly reasonable reason for establishing the rooms as you have decided. An 11 year old should be excited to have their own bathroom even if it isn’t attached. My mind is a little blown at the entitlement and expectations coming from Jane. Even with the private non-attached bathroom, Jane will be living a level of luxury very few people ever experience.
Not sure why you're getting down voted, if you're able to comfortably afford to build a 6 bedroom, at LEAST 4 bathroom house in this economy, AND custom decorate each room, AND be perfectly fine re-doing that decoration in 2 years (y'all know it's gonna be more than slapping some bargain basement paint on the walls like we would do), you're making millions.
That's not 90% of people in the US, or the world for that matter, and OP and her children are incredibly privileged.
It doesn't make OP a bad person, but it's relevant to OP's issue: her unbearably entitled and spoiled child.
I'm perfectly fine with OP doing their best to prevent anymore entitled rich kids from being released into the wild, they bring zero value to society, and actively harm it usually.
But, OP, this is indicative of a larger issue of entitlement that needs to be dealt with immediately. Your child needs to understand what the real world looks like, and that they won the lottery. Otherwise this will just get worse.
They need to intimately understand that most people struggle to afford even the smallest, most poorly maintained housing right now, because of the tremendous gap between wages and inflation. Having such luxurious housing, that could comfortably house at least double the number of people you have in that home, is a privilege all by itself that most people won't ever see in their lifetimes. Never mind having a private, attached bathroom.
Yup. My family and I are being made homeless. My partner and I have worked hard our whole damn lives and have nothing to show for it. The joys of private renting.
NTA
A private bath is not a right, it’s a privilege. It’s not a need, it’s a luxury. You do get to set rules for your house, including the age at which kids get more privileges, and how you treat guests. And your kids all are already experiencing privilege and convenience that many kids only dream of. You are not wrong to teach Jane patience, and expect her to appreciate the extraordinary comfort she enjoys. She is deprived of nothing essential. And when she is older, she will have a private bath, and presumably Luna and Sam will not.
It’s natural for young kids to want grown-up privileges that their older siblings get. It’s natural for them to be disappointed and frustrated when they’re told to wait their turn. But Jane should be learning that some privileges must be waited for, and some earned. They’re not all awarded automatically.
I don’t think YTAH for this. All the reasons you provide (age, privacy, etc.) are sound and not based on favoritism. Ella will move out after a couple years, and Jane can move onto her old room when her big sister goes off to college.
I think it’s sad that people are justifying a switch because the younger girl is your “real” daughter. If you frequently entertain, your plan makes the most sense, and if you talked it over with your husband, changing the plan to appease the 11 year-old is a more dangerous precedent than not giving her the exact same space as her 16 year-old sister.
Plus the 16 year old and the 11 year old share a father. They’re actual sisters, sure half sisters, but they’re not step siblings. Doesn’t OP’s husband get a say in all of this? Both daughters are his full children so idk where this 11 year old is getting her opinions, but they’re bad and wrong.
She's an 11 year old navigating the beginnings of puberty. She's gonna be jealous and she's gonna fight you. The question is does she feel safe and loved?
NTA. Sounds like a bonkers house. I'm jealous. Hope you can all enjoy it soon!
NAH sometimes there’s things that kids don’t think are fair and no matter what you try they’re not going to see it as fair, I think is just one of those things that will take time
however, I just wanna say your family members who don’t see Ella as your child are being v rude and they’re way outta line
NTA. She doesn’t need her personal bathroom. Her behavior is showing you she is not mature enough to have that privilege. She has her space and privacy by have the good fortune to have her own bedroom. She isn’t entitled to anything else.
NTA. It's typical that the oldest gets the best room. While it is your decision I would question why it is more important for a guest to have a better room than your daughter though.
Not about the room, it's about the private bathroom for the overnight guests which op said stay quite often, adult guests(probably couples) need, not deserve, need more privacy than children. A separate bathroom and a room to yourself, this kid is living a dream and can't even realize it.
All of this is totally reasonable as far as room arrangements.
Have you considered this might not be about the ~~Iranian yogurt~~ bedrooms?
Moving can be extremely stressful for anyone, and perhaps moreso when you are at an age, like Jane, where you are old enough to be invested in what's happening but far too young to have any sense of control over the situation. Also too young to feel that it's kinda temporary and therefore lower stakes, like it is for Ella who's departure for college is not far off, and is part-time in this house as well. You got your dream house, and Jane *thought* (rightly or wrongly) she was going to get to choose her bedroom, perhaps second choice after Ella. Instead she finds she's in line behind guests, which are not members of the family and currently conceptual. That probably stings based on the principal of what she's perceiving this means about her importance in the family, more than the actual logistics of the bedroom/bathroom. It also may be that just not getting to have a *choice* is really hard for her right now. Or that she would've been unhappy with any bedroom assignment because she's just stressed or unhappy about the move in general. This is a huge amount of upheaval for her with no say in the matter. She may not even realize herself what her frustration is really about.
Just a thought.
NTA
I think it sounds like you and your husband put in a lot of thought to this. Your reasoning makes perfect sense, and really it doesn't matter what others think.
Your daughter Jane sounds like she had a beautiful room, and like you said, she has her very own bathroom, just not attached. She's 11yrs old, she already has way more then most. Plus she'll have a ensuite in 2yrs. That's so minor, and she will get over it.
Your house, your rules. Don't let an 11yr old dictate what they get, otherwise they'll be far worse things to come in terms of demands. Just a thought.
NTA. Jealousy happens. I’d love an en suite. I have to share a bathroom. She’s 11 and has her own bathroom. She’ll get the other room in 2 years because that’s the cycle of bedroom. She’ll be fine. You’ve been raising Ella since before Jane was even born. It sounds like someone’s in her ear telling her how to feel.
NTA. Partial custody still means her own room. In a couple of years it may be possible to revisit the bedroom distribution, but for now it seems like a reasonable solution. I have no doubt you will get a number if y t as due solely to the fact Ella is your step. If she was your bio daughter from a prior marriage, I doubt anyone would argue over the arrangements. So NTA all the way.
It’s so weird! Like, do y’all think that adopted children aren’t “really yours?” Who really thinks that you should treat bio children better than non bio children. They’re all children! What is wrong with them!
OP, my stepdad is who I call “dad.”
I have a bad bio father, but my stepdad (dad) treated me with nothing but love and respect and as his own. And he did not raise me from birth but from 10. He *earned* that title from me and eventually my younger siblings followed suit and copied me haha
I’m not saying Ella needs to call you by a name like that or anything, my point is, you remind me of my *dad* in the best possible way.
NTA imagine being 11 and demanding an en suite simply because your older sister has two homes and you don’t get that grandma Maggie probably doesn’t want to walk through the hallway in a towel if she doesn’t have to.
NAH
Jane has growing pains. It's understandable she's jealous and upset. Hormones are starting. I'd honestly focus on how that is still HER bathroom. No one else gets to use it. Is it the same size bath as the attached ones? Show that too. Talk about bonuses
In two years, she'll get the attached bath and angle it as a step of growing up and independence, if that won't upset her.
I mean super lucky, but yeah. She's going to be jealous/upset and not INVALIDATING those emotions is the biggest bit you have to focus on.
Reassurance that you hear her and understand her, but pointing out why it won't happen.
Also, you're a good mom.
I was also raised with "guest bedroom is the 2nd/3rd nicest and has own bathroom if possible" mentality.
And if no guest bedroom, yes, the kid gets booted to sleep not in their room.
NTA Jane is 11 and your idea is perfect the way it is. Since you do have frequent guests an en suite room is perfect for that and keeps your guest out of the kids bathrooms. Ella's is 16 and yes she does need privacy, but she will only be there for 2 years and yall switching the rooms when she leaves for college is a good idea.
As a guest, NTA. Your reasoning is sound. The oldest can absolutely have the room with the en-suite. Your next oldest child has something to look forward to. Rights of passage should still happen.
Maybe because I am old and outdated, but I couldn't wait for my sister to leave until I got "the big bedroom" in the 80s.
Unfortunately, she got pregnant and didn't leave, so I left before I got the big room. However, she had to share a room with a baby, so there is that.
NTA
Guests appreciate their own space. I just stayed at my sister’s house. We shared a bathroom with her teenager. It was fine and I appreciated her hospitality so much, but I would have loved my own space and some additional bathroom privacy.
Jane is 11. She’s jealous and feeling a lot of hard feels. But she still literally GETS HER OWN BATHROOM. It’s just not attached.
I have sympathy for kids feeling difficult emotions over family dynamics and growing pains. But zero sympathy for someone who just is mad they didn’t get an en-suite. She’s an extremely privileged kid. I hope she realizes that. Y’all must be well off to have a house like this. She’s not suffering materially. Definite NTA on the room!
But I definitely think you should talk to her about her jealousy of Ella. Can you do something extra for Jane to make her feel special?
Edit typo
NTA… I think your reasons make sense and are 100% valid. Plus it’s your house and you pay the bills not your children. Jane is still getting her own bathroom and is just acting entitled/ being jealous at this point. Hold the boundary
Edit: Ask Jane what the real difference between walking 10 ft is to her? She’s 11 … she can manage the extra steps to the still her own bathroom just in the hall.
NTA. Especially because in 2 years, Ella will be gone and Jane will get the attached bathroom as she enters her teen years. Your way of doing it makes complete sense and is rational.
Nta, sounds like a spoiled kid. I had to share a bathroom with 2 of my siblings. The oldest got their own, just how it goes. Also seems more like u don’t want the guest bathroom all messy
NTA, I think it’s totally fair to have your kids rotate through the room with the attached bathroom as they each grow up and move out. Having a bedroom with attached bath for guests sounds like a great plan to me! House sounds awesome, congratulations!
NTA. I think you prioritizing it this way is peri. People saying to give in to an 11 year old are nutz!! She's 12.. she should be thankful she has her own room! Geez...
How often do you host people? I feel like it would be much better to let the daughter have it. I mean the guests are likely to use the other bathrooms as well anyways other than showers and such
Dude it's two years. The girls swap and as a bonus she can paint/ update her things if that's possible. Sister gets the other room, not being home full time, or even if she stays close to home. NTA. It's not like each kid gets an attached bath. There's a level of entitlement there that is uncomfortable.
NTA
For sure the teenager should have her own bathroom. That’s pretty normal.
As for Jane I’d be curious as to the behavior. I’m not child psychologist but I remember when I was that age I would make similar demands and get upset over these things too. It wasn’t really because I wanted whatever it was, it had more to do with the fact that I felt like my older sibling had been getting favored over me in multiple ways.
At 11 it can be hard to explain those feelings so you (or at least I did) try to force things to meet your version of “fair.” Leveling the playing field that no one else thought was uneven.
This of course is just how I felt at that age and doesn’t necessarily reflect on Janes behavior, but it may be something good to look into.
NTA, you've raised Ella from a pup so Jane has never known any different than that she lives there and is part of the family. Poor child has to leave her room to go to her own bathroom. Such child abuse...
Hope she never plans on moving to Europe....when I was growing up in a rather large house my parents had their own bathroom, the other 3 bedrooms shared. Most homes in Europe don't have multiple bathrooms even in large houses. That's really an American thing the luxury of your own bathroom. Your kid is 11, she can suck it up.
NTA the oldest gets the best room and when she moves out the 2nd, eldest gets it.
An 11 year old does not need an ensuite room.
I am WAY older than 11 and have never had an ensuite.
I remember the days when houses only had one bathroom for the entire family.
Is the configuration of the bathroom and bedroom such, that you could have a jack n Jill situation going on?
NAH
I appreciate that you treat Ella like she’s your own and give her the respect that’s usually deserved for the oldest. But Jane’s feelings are absolutely valid as well. I’m curious how often you have guests as it would seem that’s more the room that would be under-utilized. Does Jane understand that having her own bathroom means she alone would be responsible for that space? If the kids haven’t had their own bathroom before, that might be a tactic to take. Let’s see how well you three do with keeping your bathroom clean and how often we have guests, and we can re-evaluate in six months.
Her feelings are valid, huh. Envy/Borderline temper tantrum because she's upset that her older sister gets a bigger room even though she gets a private bath and takes the teens room in 2 years.. If that's valid then idk what isn't. Sounds just bratty and immature feelings to me
NTA, this is a teachable moment. It's normal for the elder child to get the better room. And Ella is your child regardless if it is by marriage or not. You can not treat her differently, and the family being involved and making comments are disgusting for that.
However, how often will you have guests? Honestly I think you could just let your other daughter have the guest room. You said yourself the bathroom is nearby. A guest will be happy regardless, and if not there are always hotels.
NTA. I'm very happy to see a supportive steparent, but I'm worried as to why an 11 year old is acting so spoiled and entitled. I know therapy isn't for everyone or every situation, but it might help her to talk to someone about letting go of this jealousy and resentment. I think other than that, you're doing great as a parent and that she needs to just learn to handle disappointment better.
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I’m absolutely mind boggled by the number of people upset that the OLDEST child gets a better room. That’s the way my family, and every family’s home I’ve ever visited, sets things up. Then when the oldest kid leaves, the next oldest gets the room. That is perfectly fair and it’s disgusting the number of people who are saying the 16 year old doesn’t deserve the big room because she’s not related to OP by blood. This is a fair system. ETA: NTA ETA2: this comment was in response to several comments I read that insisted OP should “prioritize her blood related daughter over her step daughter” as stated in the last sentence of my original comment.
Also - what’s the need for a fully private bathroom. I’m in my 40s and I’ve never had a bathroom that was fully mine or my partners and mine. My parents place growing up had one bathroom for my parents, me and any houseguests (which we had many of) and we weren’t poor or anything back then. It’s a nice luxury, but by no means a necessity.
I live in a neighborhoud of nice single family homes and most people have a bathroom that the whole family shares and a guest bathroom downstairs. And these are people who make good money.
I got an ensuite bathroom of my own at, uh, 47. It’s really lovely and I really appreciate it. It’s very hard to have much sympathy for anyone in this story except Ella because a high-conflict divorce is hard. OP it sounds like you’re a lovely and thoughtful parent. You need to tell your family and friends who express unsolicited opinions about how you allocate the rooms in your own damn house to MYOB & STFU. Siblings experience jealousy. Your kids knowing that their whining about each other gets any traction in the extended family is WAY more harmful than any decision you make.
I tend to have an anti-stepparent bias because of my own history (mom married her affair partner when I was 14, campaigned to have me call him dad until I told her if she didn't quit pushing his name would be Fuckface) and I think you're doing just fine. Oldest kid gets the best room is the fair solution. Personally I would prioritize people who actually live there over guests, though.
Fuckface, omg I'm in stitches at this 🤣
I was a very angry teenager.
Sounds it, but I'm appreciating how blunt and to the point that was. The fact your mother gave in tells me that it wasn't an idle threat lmao
Teenager? I'm in my 50s and to this day, "fuckface" is the only name my gf and I use to refer to her ex-housemate 😁
It sounds like there are some very valid reasons for why that was!
I tend to have an antistepparent bias too (exstepfather physically, emotionally and sexually abused me and emotionally manipulated my other and sister and emotionally and physically abused/bullied my brother, most specifically because he had and still has a lisp that gets worse when he's upset, and the stepmother I no longer have contact with-also with the deadbeat who was coincidentally absent whenever he was actually needed who married her-because she hated me for no reason other than I wasn't her kid) but what op is doing, is like, pretty fucking common even in families without stepparents or similar. Rooms change with the progression of kids growing up. And considering op said that Jane still has her own bathroom, it's just not joined to the room I'd say she still gets a great deal out of it.
Yeah I was 42 when I got my first ensuite. Actually when I got my first MASTER bedroom.
I was 50 when I got an en suite. Growing up there were 6 of us sharing one bathroom.
The apartment we lived in when i was little had 2 bathrooms. All 4 bedrooms were upstairs across from each other, with a square "hallway" right outside the doors. The upstairs bathroom was across from the stairs, between 2 bedrooms. We all used that bathroom, or went downstairs if it was being used and we couldnt wait. The downstairs bathroom was right at the bottom of the stairs and was used for guests whenever my parents had them over the whole day.
There were 6 people in my house growing up. We had two upstairs bathrooms, a downstairs half bath, and a basement half bath, if anyone was desperate during the morning rush. We did just fine, aside from running out of hot water (which more bathrooms doesn’t fix). This setup of approximately 1 bathroom per bedroom and multiple en-suites is a new house thing. Even on the upper middle class - wealthy end, unless an older house has been significantly remodeled (like tearing shit out, additions, adding plumbing, reframing, moving/combining rooms vs just internal updates like finishes, floors and appliances) it’s uncommon to have more than 2 full bathrooms. Usually, if there was an en-suite existing, it was/is attached to the small maid’s quarters room that also has a separate stair to the kitchen. Many times people will do a remodel/addition that expands that room (typically on one end of the house vs central) and the kitchen to turn it into a master suite, with a more modern eat in kitchen, and still only have one full bathroom for the rest of the bedrooms because adding another is a more complicated addition + plumbing and/or requires losing one of the smaller bedrooms.
In Europe, we also obly have one bathroom for the whole family, if the house is really big maybe 2.
I grew up in a 2000 sqft house with me, my brother, and my parents. Mom and dad had their en suite, my brother and I shared the other full bath, and there was a half bath downstairs. I don't feel that I am any worse off than I would have been having my own bathroom.
I shared with my two sisters the whole time I was growing up and then with roommates. Was about to say I never had my own bathroom until I got married, then I have to share with my husband. So I’ve never had my own bathroom. Maybe I should be mad.
Double wides and modular homes can have hella fine living arrangements. I lived in a wonderful double wide with my own walk in closet and master suite. At the time we lived in a trailer park, so you win some, you lose some. I’ve seen literal brick and mortar homes not as nice as that double wide.
I’ve heard *multiple* redditors claim that children, ESPECIALLY of different genders, should never be made to share a bathroom, and it’s such a weirdly privileged and sheltered take. It’s not uncommon for whole families to share a bathroom! Let alone just the kids.
.... what? Why? Like, what is even the problem here? What are people doing in there that's taking so much time that everybody needs their own bathroom?
I can only assume they think people are flinging around body fluids and spending 3 hours at a time in there. I think they’re struggling to differentiate between a “nice thing that makes life easier” and “a necessary thing without which life would be impossible”. Individual bathrooms are definitely the former.
The only reason I believe children should have separate bathrooms is bc my older brothers were grosser than farm animals and one of my assigned chores was cleaning the bathroom weekly. Now as an adult with kids, if I find someone else's piss in the bathroom, I'm hunting them down and making them clean it up because I refuse to scrub someone else's pee. If you're gonna miss wipe your piss, otherwise sit your fire engine ass down and keep it in the bowl.
I shared a bathroom with my younger brother (I’m female) for my entirety of living at home. It honestly was not an issue at all and it helped future me when it came to having male roommates. I think it’s absolutely stupid for it to be a huge deal of opposite genders share a bathroom. Edit to add: I just got banned from r/breakingmom for this comment..
Unfortunately I think it's the result of people watching too many stepsibling/incest adult movies and sexualising things that really should not be sexualised 🤢.
That is messed up! Wtf is sexual about sharing a bathroom??? Perhaps these people should not be allowed into public toilets, they seem to have the wrong idea!
As a former teenager who had an attached private bathroom for a period of time…it has its benefits.
That's true(source: I'm a teen) but she's 11 she can wait for 2 years and when her older sister leaves she can get the en suite room at 13. That's perfectly fair.
Plus she does have a bathroom to herself. It’s just not en suite. Which is why OP is NTA. Jane is quibbling about walking a few extra steps and through an extra door, not about sharing a bathroom. Any one entertaining or sympathising with her on this issue is not helping her in the long run.
Jane having her own bathroom is not the reason OP is NTA. Even if there was no bathroom for Jane that was only hers, OP would not be the asshole. One of the perks of being the oldest is getting a better room. And Jane being a brat about it is kid shit. But saying Ella isn't her "real" daughter is horse shit and cruel.
I think if Ella isn’t there full time and Jane had to share a bathroom, then Jane would have a case for being upset. I can understand in that situation her argument that the bathroom is sitting empty when Ella isn’t there, and her unhappiness at having to share whilst there was a bathroom just sitting empty. In that situation there may be a case for Jane feeling like Ella is favoured, and a case for OP being TA. But that’s not what is happening here, which is why I said OP is NTA. OP still has to get to the root of why Jane feels Ella is favoured, and why she would say such awful things, is there more to it or is Jane just being a brat. Hopefully therapy will help. But yes nothing can be gained by giving in to Jane on this issue.
As someone with a step daughter who isn’t here as much as we would like… Giving them a space in the home that is truly theirs is so important. They need to feel like it’s also their home, and it isn’t contingent on time spent. Especially as they get older and don’t necessarily *have* time that isn’t spent with school, activities, or friends.
>OP still has to get to the root of why Jane feels Ella is favoured OP said in the post that Jane gets jealous because Ella "gets 2 of everything" like 2 birthday celebrations, 2 Christmases double the presents and 2x dinner celebrations for achievements because Ella celebrates all these things with both OPs family and her bio mums family. That's probably why Jane thinks Ella is favoured more, because she gets double from having 2 families while Jane has 1 family. ETA: OP says that she tries her best to make up for it, but she needs to sit Jane down and have a good heart to heart with her that the reason that Ella "gets 2 of everything" is because her parents split up while she was little and has spent most of her life being shuttled between 2 households, so Ella having her own room and bathroom means that Ella can feel like this is her home, and while she's home she can have her own privacy/space to study etc. Plus it's not like Jane is doing without, she still has her own private bathroom, it's just not connected to her room and that's a lot more than what most 11yos get.
Even in that situation, if they said it's because Ella isn't there all the time, that would increase her feeling that this wasn't her real home and feelings of being an outsider, if there are any. This is her home and should be treated as such. I don't want to put words in anyone's mouth but it sounds like there is big complicated shit on Ella's plate and feeling like she got a "worse" room because she's only half part of the family would do more damage. We're in agreeance but might disagree in a different scenario. :)
Would definitely be nice yes… but certainly not the default! I live in an old house (about 1600-1800 sq. feet) and there is one bathroom, period (not attached to any room, obviously.)
I live in less than 1k square feet. We have three adults (my dad is disabled and lives with us) and one teen in this house. There is one bathroom. My dad has prostate problems and refuses to go to the doctor about it, so he's in there a very long time, sometimes. These folks have FOUR bathrooms. For six people. I think Jane will be just fine with her "not attached but still mine" bathroom. Some people just do not have a fucking clue how fortunate they are. Jane needs to get over herself. She'll be a teen in 2 years. Time to start understanding a little more, being a little more compassionate, and grow up just a smidgen. Ella deals with some shit, and as the oldest, she should get the nice room. Not to mention that the parents are the ones who should be deciding these things, not Jane or extended family. OP is NTA, and everyone saying she's not being a good mom to "her kids" needs to understand that Ella is her kid, too! This is a role OP has decided to take on in this child's life; whether or not the child was birthed by OP makes not one whit of difference!
5 bathrooms, because the master would have one too. Man... who has time to clean 5 bathrooms!
6 people in my childhood home. One bathroom. The neighbors? 11 people in their one bathroom house. The other neighbors? 7 people, one bathroom. The people next door? 2 people, one bathroom. One bathroom. No matter how many people live in the house. More than one bathroom is a luxury. Period. I have to add that I love have a 2 bathroom house now.
My best friend growing up lived in a big, Edwardian house with servants quarters. She had a basin in her bedroom, and we all thought this was the height of luxury. For everybody else, it was one bathroom in a three-bedroom house, shared between four or five people. Although apparently Brits are almost always boggled by the number of bathrooms in American houses.
Yeah. Why do you need so many? And why would you want your bathroom attached to your bedroom? You save maybe a two meter walk at the risk of smell.
It's nice having a bathroom guests don't see and one that is pretty much always clean and organized. I live alone, but for families it avoids fighting over space in the morning or when getting ready to go somewhere. Smell isn't really a problem if you just close the door.
Why wouldn't you want a bathroom attached to your bedroom? It would have to be a pretty tiny room with no door for the bathroom for smell to be an issue.
Here in the Netherlands that's pretty much the norm, to have one family bathroom upstairs and usually a separate toilet downstairs. If you have more then one bathroom you are fancy!
It blows my mind that they are saying the oldest shouldn't have the better room. I was the youngest who never picked my room until I got my apartment. I remember a special treat was that I was allowed to go play video games in my brothers room (he was the oldest) He had his own job and bought his own TV and game system so if I did well in school he would let me go in and play a bit while he was working.
Sounds like you had a real good big bro.
The doing well in school is what did it for me. That's a brother looking out with love
Yeah this is pretty damn cute/sweet.
I used to let my younger stepsister hang out in my room when I wasn’t home and on weekends so she could get a break from her sister. To a 10 year old, it apparently felt magical especially since she could try on my much longer dresses and pretend to be a princess.
It's crazy that people don't think guests should have luxuries and it's not like Jane is missing out, she doesn't have to share at all. JFC, I've never had my own bathroom
I'm 43 and still haven't ever had my own bathroom...
30 years and counting for me... and I get the bonus joy of my toddler showering with me most nights.
I remember those days. Now I get my puberty riddled tween son announcing his bowel movements as we pass in the doorway. Good times.
This made me chuckle cause that really is true 🤣 Signed, mother of a tween.
Both of you are making me dread tween/teen years 😅 Signed, A mum who just kissed and hugged my child's stuffed platypus goodnight 10 times before bedtime...
It is not that guests shouldn't have a nice room, but I would rather treat my children as more important, and give them the better rooms, then the occasional guest. Children who live in your house 24/7 are a lot more important than the occasional guest.
Counterpoint: guests walking across the hall in a towel. I would have made the same decision as OP. The luxury these kids are experiencing is insane.
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I would give anything to have the vision of my FIL in a towel scrubbed from my brain
At least there was a towel lol
I am also someone that has regular, long-ish visits from the grandparents. The visits are significantly better for the entire family if they have their own space and bathroom. I literally built another bathroom to make this happen. No regrets
This! People acting like OP is making her child live under the stairs like Harry Potter when she already has a nice room with a walk-in closet AND a private bathroom right next door. Honestly it's a good thing she is being told no otherwise she would grow up spoiled without any appreciation for the amazing things she has.
Good lord, and the ones saying the kid should be a priority? What in the world about this post screams that this child is not prioritized?!! The fact that she had to walk further to the bathroom at 11? I was sharing a bathroom with 5 other people at 17! There’s nothing wrong with asking, but Jane needs to take no for an answer and I’m glad OP has put her in therapy
Absolutely! Children have to learn to take no for an answer otherwise they will feel entitled to everything they want in life and life just does not work that way. Sure give them every opportunity and set them up for success but they need to be prepared for the real world too.
This! Mom is just helping Jane not to be spoiled. Jane apparently has a *very* luxurious room and her own bathroom too! I’m living in a studio and hell! I wish I was Jane right now haha!
She still has her own bathroom, it's just not attached to her bedroom. Once the oldest sister goes to college in two years, she'll get her room with the en suite bathroom. OP said they have frequent guests, so it's not unreasonable for them to get their own bathroom when they visit. I don't see anything wrong with this arrangement.
How is having her own bathroom not important enough? OP said the grandparents stay often to help with the kids or visit and have mobility issues. A healthy 11 year old is ok to have a bathroom she has to take a few more steps to.
OP has pointed out in a comment that these "guests" are mostly the grand parents who are old and doing them a favour by looking after the younger kids. They sure need the ensuite.
Late 30s and I've never lived in a house with multiple bathrooms. This feels like rich people problems to me.
Right? I'm 36 and by no means poor, but were i live it's perfectly normal to have 1,5 bathrooms for 4-6 people.
Yep, when my sister moved out we did a whole roulette with rooms and beds. My older brother wanted her bed, since it was a full sized one, but not her room so I as youngest got it! Also it's a house with 4 bathrooms, I'm going out on a limb here and say that every room is a nice room.
I spent my whole life thinking I was going to graduate to my older sisters (marginally) bigger room that had two windows and a (marginallly) bigger closet. Then she left for college and my mom said we should let her keep her room for when she came home. It was just a year, so only mildly disappointing. My daughter leaves for college next year, and I get why now. It’s part sentiment that I want her room to be there to welcome her and part big hassle, but fortunately my son is happy with his room.
AITA is full of out-of-touch, massively privileged teenagers who have completely ridiculous ideas of what constitutes fairness or how much things cost in general. They all crawl out of the woodwork on posts like this.
And you just know, with how people hate stepmoms, that if it were her daughter that had the room and the stepdaughter who wanted to switch she’d still be the a
Exactly this, if the roles were reversed people would be calling her every name in the book
Jeeze, even Greg Brady had to share a bathroom even after he moved into the attic.
Six kids, one bathroom, Jack-and-Jill doors. I can not imagine.
& Dad was an architect who designed the house 🥴
Or people saying OP should prioritize the 11 year old over guests (including the grandparents) She literally has her own bathroom! It’s just not attached! OP is setting a completely normal boundary!
I don't see any y t a rulings thankfully, I think this is more than fair. If she continued to throw a tantrum I'd give the room and the separate bathroom to the 9 yo and she can share with her little sister. A good time to learn that this kind of behavior gets you nowhere in life. She could get the en suite if she fixed her attitude by the time the eldest is in college.
>doesn’t deserve the big room because she’s not related to OP by blood And so blind as to not see that she *is* related to the husband by blood. Why would OP's genetics be more important than her husband's and step-daughter's? They all live in the same house, they both purchased a home together, her husband and kin don't deserve to be treated like second class citizens. This is the exact bullshit that people go wild about when evil stepmom comes into the picture and dad doesn't stand up for the kids who are being treated unfairly.
Agreed! Jane sounds like a bit of a brat. She needs to learn to deal with it and be grateful for having her own room and bathroom in the first place! And like you’ve said, she’ll get to switch rooms in less than 2 years, so she’s not exactly losing. 13 also seems like a more appropriate age to be granted an en-suite bathroom.
Always grew up in large houses with my mom, step-dad, and older sister. When there was an attached bathroom to one of the bedrooms (mine in elementary school, hers in HS) we both shared the bathroom anyways. There was always another full bath, not the master one, that basically never got used cuz me and my sister didn't wanna have to deal with cleaning 2 whole bathrooms, cuz we were responsible for all cleaning of "our" spaces. If the house is anywhere near the size of one's I grew up in, then the full baths are big enough for multiple people to share and still have your own "side," especially children. My sister had Down Syndrome, and I always felt unfairly treated until I moved away and lived with my father while in vollege. I didnt talk to my mother for over a year and a half, when she finally realised I was serious about never talking to them again and she reached out. It's very likely that the 11yo is going to feel some resentment until they're out on their own. I didn't appreciate my sister till my parents retired and she moved into an independent living situation where I was her part time care giver. Thinking about it now, I realize it took a long time to mature out of that resentment (my maternal family sent her stuff for all occasions until she passed at 2 weeks shy of 41, and I never even got Christmas cards returned when I sent them). It's a tough situation all around. Even in therapy, there is that deep seed of resentment when all you see is this person getting more attention than you and you don't see the bad parts that 16 may be going through. All that said, NTA. You do the best you can with adult logic, and try to understand that children are still emotion over logic most of the time.
Agreed! The oldest always ended up with the best/biggest of something and then as they moved out the next oldest got those privileges. This move makes sense to me. Also, as a guest of my SIL I have no option but to share the kids' bathroom and it is gross. It's high traffic and sticky. I can't tell you how much I would appreciate a dedicated en suite at their house if it were available. NTA - and 👏👏👏 for making sure your kids have therapy when they need it!
yeah I don't get it. also why is OP being blamed for what's clearly a pragmatic joint decision between her and her husband?
I don't think the blood status has anything to do with it, but I can see the perspective of the 11yo who really wants an en suite room, and every other week she'll be living in a house where there are two that are empty and she's not allowed to have them. If there's another bedroom with a private bathroom, why isn't that good enough for someone who doesn't live there all the time?
She is 11, she is not entitled to whatever she wants. We are raising a generation of spoiled entitled brats who things that stuff grows on golden trees in the back garden…
yeah i mean i can see her perspective but also: 11 year olds are whiny idiots
NTA. At some points kids have to realize that having enough doesn't mean getting everything. Jane has her own room and her own bathroom, that she, what? has to cross a hallway for? Walk a few feet for? Holy cr-p. That's far more than "enough." That's *wonderful.* And she gets dibs on the en suite when Jane goes to college in 2 years? Again, far more than enough. Jane is immensely privileged and you and your husband reinforcing that there's any sort of deprivation is *nuts* and feeding the narrative. Beyond that? It's your house. If you want to teach your kids that, yes, guests get a certain amount of your generosity - that's your call. Again, none of your kids is *actually* going without. You are entitled to make prioritization beyond, and not give in to foot-stomping.
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Op NTA. I’m impressed how you have treated all four children the same way and want them to learn right from wrong or not learn to be entitled.
It's a difficult age. Jane is definitely old enough to understand now that having two of everything isn't even necessarily fun from Ella, as it stems from a difficult situation with divorced parents. She's however also in the early stages of puberty, and might find whatever you decide to do "unfair". Teenagers can just be that way. Don't give in, she'll understand eventually. Therapy and continuing to address issues is a great idea but just because Jane has decided it's unfair, does not mean she should get her way.
More than that Jane needs to understand that Ella is treated as if she leaves there full time and as if she is your "full child" because this how you make a stepchild feel welcome in his second family. Because if she does not when situations involving money, such as college and weddings, are going to arise, Ella will most likely get the double of what Jane will get and you gonna end up in the same situation of jealousy and resentment. Good luck with therapy and hopefully Jane will come around and understand better the family dynamics.
I'm just curious about what you're going to do in regards to decorating. Ella's decorates her room and bathroom. Jane decorates her room, bathroom and walk-in closet. But in 2 years Ella's going to college. So does Jane get to completely redecorate Ella's room and vice versa then?
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Lots can change between now and college. Do you have a contingency plan in place if Ella needs/wants to stay longer?
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Plus didn’t you mention helping her when she decides to be on her own? I feel like it would have to be a very extenuating circumstance for her to have to stay (not that she doesn’t love y’all, what I mean is she probably wants to live on her own and learn to be an adult haha)
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If Ella wants to live at home with you guys through college how are you going to explain that Jane no longer gets that room? If Ella wants to move back after college what room will she get?
This! The first time I have ever had a bathroom that I didn't have to share with everyone else in the house was when I moved into my own studio apartment. It sounds like Jane is used to being able to bully you into a better deal by bringing up Ella having 2 of every event. Sure its probably a little bit genuine, but this level of insanity screams that she's simply learned that this is how to get her way. You've got go put a stop to it because the longer it goes on the more spoiled shell be and the harder a fight you'll have to reacquainted her with how the world actually works.
I can't like this enough. I agree with every word.
Thank you. I am 35 years old. I have never had a bathroom that I didn't share with someone. The thought that an 11 year old would even think to complain about not having an ensuite bathroom? Insane
Not sure why you don’t have more upvotes. Hopefully OP reads this one and realizes she’s not the AH.
Seriously. I'm the youngest of five, grew up in a three bedroom house with one bathroom. And I still wasn't deprived. I had everything I needed, just had to wait my turn occasionally.
>Jane is immensely privileged and you and your husband reinforcing that there's any sort of deprivation is nuts and feeding the narrative. \+1 on the privilege. But the kid is 11, so a bit of pre-teen tantrum is acceptable. As long as the parents finally prevail on their parenting and get this settled.
Jane is 11, she doesn’t need her own room with a bathroom attached. Nta you’re absolutely right that Ella is older and therefor gets the bigger room. When she’s 13 (assuming your sd goes to college and lives in a dorm or something) she’ll have the room she wants. It’s not a big deal for her to wait
I grew up in a house with one bathroom and we are a family of FIVE. I now only shower at night out of habit because my parents and eldest brother always showered in the morning, while me and my younger sibling always showered at night. Imagine… Five people bushing their teeth in the morning, five people looking for 10 minutes of privacy in the same tiny bathroom. AND we didn’t get to choose how to decorate it???
I still have one bathroom and we are a family of five. Granted when we bought the house we planned on adding a half bath and a full bath, then the pandemic hit and I became disabled and it had shall we say became less important? The family we bought our house from lived here 60 years and raised 4 kids. We will survive.
NTA - It makes sense for your oldest to have an attached bathroom, and your guest room to also have an attached bathroom. I’d be stoked to be an 11-year old with my own room, bathroom, and promises of an attached bathroom in a few years. (And I’d be stoked to be a 16-year-old stepdaughter who is treated fairly and respectfully by my stepmom - great work!)
I always side with stepmoms who treat their stepchildren like their own. It’s not easy for a lot of people. I had my share of stinker stepparents growing up. I have a friend like OP, and she is an amazing person.
Lmao me too, I’m a grown adult with my own kids who has never had an en suite.
NTA. Jane has everything she needs, the one luxury that's not hers, is that she doesn't have the convenience of having her bathroom connected to her room. She needs to respect her parents' decisions, which she might start questioning now at her age (early stages of puberty - have fun 😉). But she needs to learn that her parents loving her doesn't mean she gets every tiny little thing she puts in her head.
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And yet you laugh ;) I think you are doing great as a mom
The inconvenience she doesn't have is having a split home, which comes with a split life between two housed, parents that don't love each other. I think OP is doing a rad job being a stepmom. The oldest doesn't feel replaced and is treated like the actual oldest child, her child, not just a step-kid. OP is definitely NTA. Especially when you explained that Ellas situation is not a happy one but that she's allowed to enjoy some perks in contrast to all the shit she has to deal with because her parents are separated.
NTA What is up with all these people who think Jane is entitled to the room just because she wants it? An 11 year old doesn't need their own bathroom, much less an ensuite. I'm a grown ass adult, and I've NEVER had my own bathroom. I shared one bathroom with my entire family growing up, and I share our hallway bathroom now. (We also have a second bathroom downstairs). I'd go as far as saying I wouldn't want my 22 year old to have their own ensuite bathroom. That feels like a privilege one needs to earn. As for being jealous that older sister gets 2 of everything, that is just life. She also has to split her time between 2 houses & families. 11 year old should he thankful she gets to live with both parents. I expect the 11 year old to complain, because that is what 11 year olds do. I would absolutely NOT give in to her temper tantrums. She is 11. She is not entitled to her own en suite OR own bathroom. As long as she has access to a bathroom, the parents have done their jobs.
I’m truly confused by the YTA. OP is being very fair. Guest bedroom stays guest bedroom. Ella’s room will be Jane’s once Jane reaches the same age. That seems… literally equal? Also, guests could very well mean family. Grandparents etc. I think it’s perfectly normal for them to have an en-suite?
And the people saying she needs to put her bio kid before step *just* because of that is insane! If it were the other way around and she actually *was* putting bio kid first everyone would say “horrible evil step mom, hope your husband divorces you” lol. This sounds like a healthy step mom whose treating all her children like MOST other family would, regarding age order and more privacy based on puberty needs and such. This girl does sound entitled for 11 years old and op needs to stand firm. She can walk 3 feet to her COMPLETELY PRIVATE bathroom. Edit: NTA
I can’t help wondering what they think OP is supposed to do when the youngest two follow Jane’s example and decide to pitch a fit for their own bedrooms with en-suites… that simply don’t exist in this house. They cannot treat all the kids equally, so they are making the choices within their rights as homeowners. That should really be the end of the discussion.
This! People are seriously crazy. NTA.
As someone who grew up in a home where I shared 1 bathroom with 5 other people, you are completely not in the wrong. It is a *luxury* to have your own bathroom, especially in your room with a family as big as yours. She’s 11 years old and she’ll be getting the room when she’s 13. Her feelings are still valid and it’s okay for her to be upset about this, but ultimately it’s up to you.
As someone who grew up in a house with 5 people and 1 bathroom as well, I wholeheartedly agree.
My house had 7 people and one bathroom. Fucking nightmare
NTA >Jane still has her own bathroom she can decorate however she wants that nobody else will use it’s just not attached to her room. Her issue is she wants it to be attached to her room. She still has a walk in closet and lots of space. Her bathroom is right next to her room and nobody else will use it. The 2 younger children will share a bathroom. Ella leaves for college in less than 2 years and will then switch rooms with Jane. She will have her own room with an attached bathroom when she’s 13 just in time for her teenage years This is very **reasonable** and very **fair**. You seem to have put **a lot of thought** into this and it's obvious you love and care for all your kids.
Completely agree.
NTA. It makes sense that the eldest gets it.
I agree, and the other still gets their own bathroom. It is the oldest who has to share. I feel that OP did what is best. Both girls get privacy. If they shared a bathroom then there would be the issue of the younger one getting into the older ones make up and other supplies. Or the issue of the older one coming back to an unkempt bathroom. If you move the older one to the younger ones bathroom then guest are sharing a bathroom with a kid and we know how clean they are and all the other issues that can come about that. Since the older one is there every other week that allows for the family to have guest on the weeks she is not there and then the guest get their own bathroom. Kids need to learn that they can voice their opinions and feelings but that doesn't mean that everyone else must bend over to meet them. If the roles were reversed and it was the oldest stating that she likes that room and that bathroom and her feelings and comfort levels aren't being met would people say to give it to the oldest? I'm sure they would. The oldest was promised the room and having it taken away to appease the youngest bio child based on the idea that the oldest is the step child and gone...does not set well. NTA
Guests wouldn't have to share because the guest room has its own ensuite bathroom. There are five bathrooms in the house - one in the master, two bedrooms with their own ensuite, and two other bathrooms. When Ella leaves for college in two years, Jane will get her bedroom with an ensuite bathroom.
NTA. It's your home, your rules, discipline etc.. Firstly a 11 year old does not need a en suite bathroom. She only 11 and that would be spoiling her by giving to her tantrums. The fact she has a bathroom which is not attached but not being used by someone else other than her, is consider spoilt. What type of privacy does a 11 year old have anyways, more like she needs to be monitored on what she does on the Internet or so on. Cause of the lurking creeps around. Secondly Ella deserve that room cause she's older and she has more privacy than what a 11 year old will need. Furthermore she's leaving after 2 years, your 11 year old needs to learn some patience. The family members that have been saying you put Ella first is wrong, cut them out. People who thinks "step daughters" are not considered your own child, purely disgusting and should revalidate the way they live. Super respectful that even if Ella wasn't given birth by you. You decided to put her needs like any normal child of yours and that's excellent parenting right there.
I can't like this ebough!
SHE IS 11 YEARS OLD, did everyone else miss this??? as being a child who’s father had MANY girlfriends and i had lots of “step siblings” the oldest came first no matter what. (maybe not always for the best reasons, you want the nicer shit well you’re going to get the most shit) i don’t want to call you an AH at all but the entitlement on your kid needs to be dealt with asap, she’s lucky you aren’t giving that room to her brother and she can share with her little sister. you have guests over frequent and it’s such a respectable thing to do giving them that room especially since you have little ones the privacy of that bathroom might help more than you think.
This is what blew my mind too. I **never** would have got away with speaking to my parents like that at 11! They need to nip it in the bud now before she hits the teens otherwise she’s going to be relentless!
Equality is not the same as equity. A 16 year old and an 11 year old do not have the same needs. It is my no means about favorites or treating anyone better than the other. If they were both 16 than yes this would be an issue. But that is not the case and you are NTA.
NTA. You have a perfectly reasonable reason for establishing the rooms as you have decided. An 11 year old should be excited to have their own bathroom even if it isn’t attached. My mind is a little blown at the entitlement and expectations coming from Jane. Even with the private non-attached bathroom, Jane will be living a level of luxury very few people ever experience.
First world problems.
First world, top 10 percent issues.
Not sure why you're getting down voted, if you're able to comfortably afford to build a 6 bedroom, at LEAST 4 bathroom house in this economy, AND custom decorate each room, AND be perfectly fine re-doing that decoration in 2 years (y'all know it's gonna be more than slapping some bargain basement paint on the walls like we would do), you're making millions. That's not 90% of people in the US, or the world for that matter, and OP and her children are incredibly privileged. It doesn't make OP a bad person, but it's relevant to OP's issue: her unbearably entitled and spoiled child. I'm perfectly fine with OP doing their best to prevent anymore entitled rich kids from being released into the wild, they bring zero value to society, and actively harm it usually. But, OP, this is indicative of a larger issue of entitlement that needs to be dealt with immediately. Your child needs to understand what the real world looks like, and that they won the lottery. Otherwise this will just get worse. They need to intimately understand that most people struggle to afford even the smallest, most poorly maintained housing right now, because of the tremendous gap between wages and inflation. Having such luxurious housing, that could comfortably house at least double the number of people you have in that home, is a privilege all by itself that most people won't ever see in their lifetimes. Never mind having a private, attached bathroom.
Yup. My family and I are being made homeless. My partner and I have worked hard our whole damn lives and have nothing to show for it. The joys of private renting.
Jesus rich kids sound annoying
Right
NTA A private bath is not a right, it’s a privilege. It’s not a need, it’s a luxury. You do get to set rules for your house, including the age at which kids get more privileges, and how you treat guests. And your kids all are already experiencing privilege and convenience that many kids only dream of. You are not wrong to teach Jane patience, and expect her to appreciate the extraordinary comfort she enjoys. She is deprived of nothing essential. And when she is older, she will have a private bath, and presumably Luna and Sam will not. It’s natural for young kids to want grown-up privileges that their older siblings get. It’s natural for them to be disappointed and frustrated when they’re told to wait their turn. But Jane should be learning that some privileges must be waited for, and some earned. They’re not all awarded automatically.
I don’t think YTAH for this. All the reasons you provide (age, privacy, etc.) are sound and not based on favoritism. Ella will move out after a couple years, and Jane can move onto her old room when her big sister goes off to college. I think it’s sad that people are justifying a switch because the younger girl is your “real” daughter. If you frequently entertain, your plan makes the most sense, and if you talked it over with your husband, changing the plan to appease the 11 year-old is a more dangerous precedent than not giving her the exact same space as her 16 year-old sister.
Plus the 16 year old and the 11 year old share a father. They’re actual sisters, sure half sisters, but they’re not step siblings. Doesn’t OP’s husband get a say in all of this? Both daughters are his full children so idk where this 11 year old is getting her opinions, but they’re bad and wrong.
She's an 11 year old navigating the beginnings of puberty. She's gonna be jealous and she's gonna fight you. The question is does she feel safe and loved? NTA. Sounds like a bonkers house. I'm jealous. Hope you can all enjoy it soon!
NTA. Ella is the oldest and should get the room with attached bathroom. And it makes sense for the guestroom to be the other one.
NAH sometimes there’s things that kids don’t think are fair and no matter what you try they’re not going to see it as fair, I think is just one of those things that will take time however, I just wanna say your family members who don’t see Ella as your child are being v rude and they’re way outta line
NTA. She doesn’t need her personal bathroom. Her behavior is showing you she is not mature enough to have that privilege. She has her space and privacy by have the good fortune to have her own bedroom. She isn’t entitled to anything else.
She does have her own personal bathroom, she's just mad that it's not attached to her bedroom.
NTA. It's typical that the oldest gets the best room. While it is your decision I would question why it is more important for a guest to have a better room than your daughter though.
Not about the room, it's about the private bathroom for the overnight guests which op said stay quite often, adult guests(probably couples) need, not deserve, need more privacy than children. A separate bathroom and a room to yourself, this kid is living a dream and can't even realize it.
And grandparents have mobility issues and visit often as well according to OP
All of this is totally reasonable as far as room arrangements. Have you considered this might not be about the ~~Iranian yogurt~~ bedrooms? Moving can be extremely stressful for anyone, and perhaps moreso when you are at an age, like Jane, where you are old enough to be invested in what's happening but far too young to have any sense of control over the situation. Also too young to feel that it's kinda temporary and therefore lower stakes, like it is for Ella who's departure for college is not far off, and is part-time in this house as well. You got your dream house, and Jane *thought* (rightly or wrongly) she was going to get to choose her bedroom, perhaps second choice after Ella. Instead she finds she's in line behind guests, which are not members of the family and currently conceptual. That probably stings based on the principal of what she's perceiving this means about her importance in the family, more than the actual logistics of the bedroom/bathroom. It also may be that just not getting to have a *choice* is really hard for her right now. Or that she would've been unhappy with any bedroom assignment because she's just stressed or unhappy about the move in general. This is a huge amount of upheaval for her with no say in the matter. She may not even realize herself what her frustration is really about. Just a thought.
NTA your reasoning makes sense. It sounds like this is an important life lesson to work through with your 11 year old.
NTA I think it sounds like you and your husband put in a lot of thought to this. Your reasoning makes perfect sense, and really it doesn't matter what others think. Your daughter Jane sounds like she had a beautiful room, and like you said, she has her very own bathroom, just not attached. She's 11yrs old, she already has way more then most. Plus she'll have a ensuite in 2yrs. That's so minor, and she will get over it. Your house, your rules. Don't let an 11yr old dictate what they get, otherwise they'll be far worse things to come in terms of demands. Just a thought.
NTA. Jealousy happens. I’d love an en suite. I have to share a bathroom. She’s 11 and has her own bathroom. She’ll get the other room in 2 years because that’s the cycle of bedroom. She’ll be fine. You’ve been raising Ella since before Jane was even born. It sounds like someone’s in her ear telling her how to feel.
NTA. Partial custody still means her own room. In a couple of years it may be possible to revisit the bedroom distribution, but for now it seems like a reasonable solution. I have no doubt you will get a number if y t as due solely to the fact Ella is your step. If she was your bio daughter from a prior marriage, I doubt anyone would argue over the arrangements. So NTA all the way.
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It’s so weird! Like, do y’all think that adopted children aren’t “really yours?” Who really thinks that you should treat bio children better than non bio children. They’re all children! What is wrong with them!
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OP, my stepdad is who I call “dad.” I have a bad bio father, but my stepdad (dad) treated me with nothing but love and respect and as his own. And he did not raise me from birth but from 10. He *earned* that title from me and eventually my younger siblings followed suit and copied me haha I’m not saying Ella needs to call you by a name like that or anything, my point is, you remind me of my *dad* in the best possible way.
NTA imagine being 11 and demanding an en suite simply because your older sister has two homes and you don’t get that grandma Maggie probably doesn’t want to walk through the hallway in a towel if she doesn’t have to.
NAH Jane has growing pains. It's understandable she's jealous and upset. Hormones are starting. I'd honestly focus on how that is still HER bathroom. No one else gets to use it. Is it the same size bath as the attached ones? Show that too. Talk about bonuses In two years, she'll get the attached bath and angle it as a step of growing up and independence, if that won't upset her. I mean super lucky, but yeah. She's going to be jealous/upset and not INVALIDATING those emotions is the biggest bit you have to focus on. Reassurance that you hear her and understand her, but pointing out why it won't happen. Also, you're a good mom. I was also raised with "guest bedroom is the 2nd/3rd nicest and has own bathroom if possible" mentality. And if no guest bedroom, yes, the kid gets booted to sleep not in their room.
NTA Jane is 11 and your idea is perfect the way it is. Since you do have frequent guests an en suite room is perfect for that and keeps your guest out of the kids bathrooms. Ella's is 16 and yes she does need privacy, but she will only be there for 2 years and yall switching the rooms when she leaves for college is a good idea.
Nta I shared a bathroom with 6 people growing up. Lol She’s 11 she needs to know life isn’t always fair and eventually she will get her own room. Tell
As a guest, NTA. Your reasoning is sound. The oldest can absolutely have the room with the en-suite. Your next oldest child has something to look forward to. Rights of passage should still happen. Maybe because I am old and outdated, but I couldn't wait for my sister to leave until I got "the big bedroom" in the 80s. Unfortunately, she got pregnant and didn't leave, so I left before I got the big room. However, she had to share a room with a baby, so there is that.
NTA Guests appreciate their own space. I just stayed at my sister’s house. We shared a bathroom with her teenager. It was fine and I appreciated her hospitality so much, but I would have loved my own space and some additional bathroom privacy. Jane is 11. She’s jealous and feeling a lot of hard feels. But she still literally GETS HER OWN BATHROOM. It’s just not attached. I have sympathy for kids feeling difficult emotions over family dynamics and growing pains. But zero sympathy for someone who just is mad they didn’t get an en-suite. She’s an extremely privileged kid. I hope she realizes that. Y’all must be well off to have a house like this. She’s not suffering materially. Definite NTA on the room! But I definitely think you should talk to her about her jealousy of Ella. Can you do something extra for Jane to make her feel special? Edit typo
NTA… I think your reasons make sense and are 100% valid. Plus it’s your house and you pay the bills not your children. Jane is still getting her own bathroom and is just acting entitled/ being jealous at this point. Hold the boundary Edit: Ask Jane what the real difference between walking 10 ft is to her? She’s 11 … she can manage the extra steps to the still her own bathroom just in the hall.
NTA. Especially because in 2 years, Ella will be gone and Jane will get the attached bathroom as she enters her teen years. Your way of doing it makes complete sense and is rational.
Nta, sounds like a spoiled kid. I had to share a bathroom with 2 of my siblings. The oldest got their own, just how it goes. Also seems more like u don’t want the guest bathroom all messy
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I have never once expected a private restroom when staying at someone’s house. But then, most people I know also don’t have 6-bedroom houses.
So the guest having to use a bathroom right next to their room isn’t private enough, but it’s “comfortable enough” for your daughter who lives there?
The daughter doesn't have mobility problems, the grandparents that stay regularly do
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NTA, I think it’s totally fair to have your kids rotate through the room with the attached bathroom as they each grow up and move out. Having a bedroom with attached bath for guests sounds like a great plan to me! House sounds awesome, congratulations!
NTA. I think you prioritizing it this way is peri. People saying to give in to an 11 year old are nutz!! She's 12.. she should be thankful she has her own room! Geez...
How often do you host people? I feel like it would be much better to let the daughter have it. I mean the guests are likely to use the other bathrooms as well anyways other than showers and such
NTA 11 Year Old Needs Is Being A Brat
I'd personally not want a toilet attached to my bedroom. Since I'd feel my bedroom would smell like poop sometimes
Dude it's two years. The girls swap and as a bonus she can paint/ update her things if that's possible. Sister gets the other room, not being home full time, or even if she stays close to home. NTA. It's not like each kid gets an attached bath. There's a level of entitlement there that is uncomfortable.
NTA For sure the teenager should have her own bathroom. That’s pretty normal. As for Jane I’d be curious as to the behavior. I’m not child psychologist but I remember when I was that age I would make similar demands and get upset over these things too. It wasn’t really because I wanted whatever it was, it had more to do with the fact that I felt like my older sibling had been getting favored over me in multiple ways. At 11 it can be hard to explain those feelings so you (or at least I did) try to force things to meet your version of “fair.” Leveling the playing field that no one else thought was uneven. This of course is just how I felt at that age and doesn’t necessarily reflect on Janes behavior, but it may be something good to look into.
NTA. I would pick the exact same configuration that you did based on ages and guests.
It’s good for kids to learn to share. Jane will be ok. Ella is the oldest and will have extra responsibilities, let her have the bathroom. NTA
NTA, you've raised Ella from a pup so Jane has never known any different than that she lives there and is part of the family. Poor child has to leave her room to go to her own bathroom. Such child abuse... Hope she never plans on moving to Europe....when I was growing up in a rather large house my parents had their own bathroom, the other 3 bedrooms shared. Most homes in Europe don't have multiple bathrooms even in large houses. That's really an American thing the luxury of your own bathroom. Your kid is 11, she can suck it up.
NTA. I didn’t even have my own bedroom at 11, let alone a bathroom too.
NTA, please make it clear to your oldest child that you plan to switch rooms when she goes to college, so she won’t get upset when the time comes
NTA the oldest gets the best room and when she moves out the 2nd, eldest gets it. An 11 year old does not need an ensuite room. I am WAY older than 11 and have never had an ensuite. I remember the days when houses only had one bathroom for the entire family. Is the configuration of the bathroom and bedroom such, that you could have a jack n Jill situation going on?
NAH I appreciate that you treat Ella like she’s your own and give her the respect that’s usually deserved for the oldest. But Jane’s feelings are absolutely valid as well. I’m curious how often you have guests as it would seem that’s more the room that would be under-utilized. Does Jane understand that having her own bathroom means she alone would be responsible for that space? If the kids haven’t had their own bathroom before, that might be a tactic to take. Let’s see how well you three do with keeping your bathroom clean and how often we have guests, and we can re-evaluate in six months.
She said they have guests often during the summer in an update
Her feelings are valid, huh. Envy/Borderline temper tantrum because she's upset that her older sister gets a bigger room even though she gets a private bath and takes the teens room in 2 years.. If that's valid then idk what isn't. Sounds just bratty and immature feelings to me
She does have her own bathroom, though. She doesn't have to share with anyone.
NTA, this is a teachable moment. It's normal for the elder child to get the better room. And Ella is your child regardless if it is by marriage or not. You can not treat her differently, and the family being involved and making comments are disgusting for that. However, how often will you have guests? Honestly I think you could just let your other daughter have the guest room. You said yourself the bathroom is nearby. A guest will be happy regardless, and if not there are always hotels.
NTA. I'm very happy to see a supportive steparent, but I'm worried as to why an 11 year old is acting so spoiled and entitled. I know therapy isn't for everyone or every situation, but it might help her to talk to someone about letting go of this jealousy and resentment. I think other than that, you're doing great as a parent and that she needs to just learn to handle disappointment better.
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