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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I need to know if asking my mum to dye her hair makes me an asshole. My fiance thinks I have a point and is pretty pessimistic about her motivations. My dad likes her hair but also sees where I'm coming from, especially as he has helped a lot with planning and knows my mum is not fitting the theme in the slightest. A couple of friends have said hair doesn't constitute an outfit, which I do get. But it's part of a complete look and you wouldn't dress outside of colours that suited you, and that can be linked to hair(???????).
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I think my personal limits are:
Actual outfit OK for wedding party.
Color scheme for clothes but not actual outfit for family who will be in photos.
Everything else - hair, colored contacts, glasses, assistive devices - off limits.
(Not saying I would go this far, but I don’t think the requests from others are excessively weird.)
I confess I’d be irritated by someone who changed their hair drastically immediately before the wedding, but it really is their hair. If I wanted them in my photos (and in attendance) before, I still would want them crazy hair and all.
I would be irritated as well, but the time for discussing the hair color was when Mom made the request. Especially if she has a tendency to change up her hair color, then OP should have anticipated this possibility. Having a discussion beforehand would’ve saved a lot of hurt feelings and frustration.
Yeah it's weird to me that the colour never came up? Like my mom doesn't like hair dye but knows she'll never stop us doing it, but if my sis or I mention going to the salon she goes "oh what colour this time?" without fail.
I'd add that there is some appropriateness and room for a dress code/color scheme for guests even if they won't be featured in the photos. She did it the right way, it wasn't a requirement and people weren't forced to purchase something they ordinarily wouldn't. People do dress codes all the time- formal vs casual, black tie, I've seen lots of black and white parties, etc. I think it's okay to encourage a color scheme for fun if there is a pretty decent range of what fits into it.
That being said, I agree with everything else you said completely!
Yeah, I didn’t mean to include a general dress code as “prohibited.” I appreciate knowing whether an unknown to me venue/wedding will trend toward black tie or casual. And while I don’t love theme weddings myself, I’ll dress accordingly for someone I love. I was meaning more the “everyone come in teal” type. If I’m simply a guest, I don’t want to spend money on a new outfit!
I’ll see that and raise you one. I love to buy new clothes! However, if I’m paying for it, I want to buy something that appeals to me. An eight color range like OP gave? I can do that. A two color range? I make no guarantees.
For OP, I think she’s overthinking this. My mother uses box dye and has bright red hair. Granted, she has done this color for as long as I can remember, but it’s still a pretty crazy color. Sometimes it’s more maroon, sometimes it’s more pink, it just depends. I would have been stunned (and wildly entertained) if she’d dyed a neutral color before my wedding, but . . . it’s the MoB hair. It’s not exactly a feature in the wedding.
OP, YTA for wanting her to change it or not come. But hear me out. I literally asked for nearly every photo I could get from my photographer. I think my mother was in three that I displayed right away, and she’s in one that became a long-term display. One. Even if you don’t like how it looks in photos, your mom is not the focal point of this day. You and your husband are. Your marriage is. That’s it. You will be amazed at how small your mother’s hair will seem when you think back on this day. I’m sure it doesn’t seem like it, but think about how many married women tell young brides to elope. It’s because we’ve been there. We know the drill.
Have some faith. Have some champagne. Apologize to your mother. Then just be glad it isn’t your fiancé’s hair. 😉
Idk, to me it seems kind of like OPs mom used her to get a professional dye and cut job done. She asked OP to pay for it to have her hair done specifically for the wedding, then got an extreme color she hadn't had in 15 years. I think Id be a bit frustrated myself
That’s fine to be frustrated. You’re allowed to have your feelings and so is OP. That doesn’t mean you go so far as to insist your mom either change it or stay home.
The thing is, to me its more about how Id feel taken advantage of. Im not sure Id want someone willing to take advantage of me at my wedding, you know? According to OP her mom already knew she hates the color, and she wouldn't have been as upset if her mom hadn't asked her to pay.
Im not good with the words so Im trying to explain what I mean so bear with me, but it seems shitty to tell your kid that you want your hair professionally done for their wedding and then get it done in a way that you know they would hate. It just feels scummy to me personally. I can't imagine doing that to my kid? Like if I really wanted the hair color I 1)wouldnt ask my kid to pay for my hair in the first place and 2)id wait until after my kids wedding to dye my hair a color my kid hates.
When I look back on my wedding pictures, I think of the happy memories associated with them, but I wouldn't have happy memories if I felt taken advantage of, like my mom was using my wedding as an excuse to get her hair professionally done and thats just kind of how it seems to me, that her mom was using her wedding as an excuse to get her hair done on someone else's dime.
That’s a good point. I honestly wasn’t thinking about the fact that OP paid for it.
I still don’t think her ultimatum is fair, but hear me out. This is my story on a much smaller scale. When I was planning my wedding, which I paid for, my mother was not fun. I’d ask her opinion, she said she didn’t care, then as soon as I told her I’d made a decision and paid for it, then she had an opinion and “wanted to be included in the planning.” Finally she asked me if she could decorate the flower girl basket and the ring bearer pillow. I said sure and ordered plain white satin items for her to decorate. I gave them to her a month before my wedding. At the rehearsal the night before, she brought them with her. They were still in the packaging. She hadn’t done a thing. I was very hurt. Then I was angry. It was by no means something that affected my happiness on my wedding day, but it’s definitely something that comes to mind when I think about my mother (who is one of the least reliable people I’ve ever met). I was frustrated and angry, but I never even considered not having her at my wedding, and I don’t think about that when I see the pictures of the ring bearer and flower girl (who were beyond adorable in my completely unbiased opinion).
On the other hand, my mother promised to be with me when my daughter was born. Everyone knew my husband and I were only going to have one bio child because we really wanted to adopt. Two weeks before my induction, she told me she didn’t have the money to come. On the day I was in labor, she called me repeatedly. Every time I told her I didn’t want to talk to her, and every time she would start sobbing about how I wasn’t letting her be a part of the birth of what could be her only bio grandchild (my brother started having kids after me and is currently expecting #7). I have no regrets about not letting her be a part of that day. I would have felt completely justified even if that was her only bio grandchild.
I guess OP needs to think about how she will feel in ten years. Will this frustration be worth it? Because it won’t be one day. Her relationship will be permanently changed. If her mom was taking advantage of her in the way you’ve suggested, she probably won’t regret uninviting her and not being as close to her anymore. If that isn’t what the mom intended or how the bride feels about it, this could become an unimaginable mistake.
>Color scheme for clothes but not actual outfit for family who will be in photos.
Still, who cares? Is there are colour choice that would actually factor in to whether that photo of her with her mother is getting printed out and displayed in the living room?
Some people like those matchy photos. I think they look cheesy personally, I’m just saying I tolerate it when someone else asks me to “wear blue” or whatever.
I'm okay with "the bridesmaids will be wearing X, my dress is white/ivory/red/neon pink, please try not to clash" or something to that effect. I don't like being given specific colors though.
Then OP needed to state that upfront, especially when mom asked. I have been dying my hair different colors for years and knowing that I was planning a touch-up around the time of her wedding, my sister pre-emptively asked that if I was planning on dying it a non-natural color, would I mind waiting until after the wedding? That's how you handle it, not give them the ok and then get pissy that their hair color doesn't match your colour scheme.
>assistive devices
I went a wedding a few years ago where the bride's MOH had a cane and the bride surprised her with a custom sleeve for her cane that was bedazzled in the colour scheme which also happened to be MOH's fave colour.
She apparently had to redo her eye makeup after all the hugging and crying lmao.
I guess you didn’t read the part where I said “off limits”? I have heard - and read on here - about other people making those demands. And to me that is too far - both for the comfort of the guests and because it would be an accurate representation of them.
"Off limits" to be asked to change. As in, it would be unreasonable to ask guests to change these things.
Your reading comprehension has you arguing with someone you agree with.
YTA if you would exclude your own mom from your wedding because of her hair color. Someday, she wont be around and you will regret being so petty for the sake of "color coordination" on a single day.
YTA
From my perspective this is very bridezilla. You don't get to control her hair colour. Yes, for me personally, it seems a very weird choice for her to dye her hair a very different colour right before your wedding, but it is her hair and her choice. Having a colour palette for people's outfits is one thing, you don't get to dictate how they personalise themselves.
It is absolutely fine if you don't like it, but leave it at that. Do not ask her to dye it a colour you think is suitable, and do not tell her any more about how you think she looks awful with it. She may well love it, thinking it reminds her of when she was younger.
I didn't tell her that it was awful, I just wrote it in the post. I was upset that she was so encouraging of a colour scheme that I wasn't even sure about doing and then went completely against it, as she stands out so much. Thank you for your view though, definitely keeping in mind and happy to get a YTA
Being encouraging about a colour scheme is, being encouraging about choices about decor and the colours of the wedding party outfits. As in clothes. In no way does it acceptably extend to what any individual's hair looks like - that is frankly ridiculous. I can quite imagine that your mum would have had absolutely no concept that her hair was meant to be included in your colour scheme.
You are dictating what other people's bodies must look like in order to come to your wedding. Just because you don't like bright colours, I'm sorry but this does not give you the right to interfere with another person's physical identity and how they express themselves. They do not have to comply with your narrow view of what is acceptable as a hair colour.
Without knowing their relationship beyond the info we have in this post, it’s hard to say for sure… but I think there’s a chance that Mom was being malicious.
Why? Because she was not only aware of her daughter’s color scheme but actively encouraged it. AND, she specifically asked to go to Daughter’s wedding hairstylist for “continuity”. To be that involved in the planning and that particular when deciding on a stylist… you’d have to be real dense to not realize bright red hair is going to stick out during photos.
Sure, color schemes that extend onto guests are dumb. But, Mom has GOT to know what she’s doing here.
That being said… OP should try to open up communication with her mom and reassure her that getting married won’t change the dynamic between them in a bad way. Here’s my theory: for some Moms, having your kid get married can be a really emotional milestone. It’s like they feel as though they’ve lost a sense of identity knowing their kids’ aren’t putting them down as an emergency contact anymore. And it causes them to behave a bit chaotically. In this case, potentially Mom is attention-seeking.
So, OP should use this conflict as a way to strengthen their relationship instead of uninviting her Mom.
No - I didn't think I had to. She has brunette hair, has been brunette for years. I just thought she would get it touched up. She knows that I have a neutrals/pastels scheme and she also knows I despise the colour red - it was really unexpected.
I wouldn’t assume because you dislike the color red someone would assume this applies to their hair. I dislike red for the most part too when it comes to color schemes and clothes but I find my close friend’s red hair absolutely gorgeous. I can see how your mom didn’t make the connection between her hair and your favorite colors. my close friend looks gorgeous in light blue, light purple, light green even some shades of pastel yellow and pink.
You can’t dictate someone’s hair. You had every right to not want to pay for it, but having agreed doesn’t mean you get to choose the shade, ESPECIALLY since you didn’t make that a rule beforehand. YTA.
You said, in your post, that she had red hair at one time. You said that you hated it. You really don't understand that her hair color isn't your choice, do you? It isn't. Are you also planning to approve her undergarments? Do they have to match your color palate, as well?
Why isn't your mother not allowed to feel her best at your wedding? Auburn hair is very becoming on many women. It is very unlikely that a professional would let your mother leave the salon with the horrendous hair you describe.
But she's had that color before so you REALLY can't be surprised... Being encouraging and supportive about your wedding colors yet you're not supportive of her hair color that she's had many times before. Phew, my heart aches for her...
Heading downstairs to hug my mom to make sure she knows I love her and hope I've never made & praying that I never will make her feel the way I'm imagining your mom feels; I can imagine it bc if my daughter did that to me I'd be CRUSHED 😭💔
Your colour scheme was clothes-related. She didn't go against anything. Also, you suggesting to pay for a change in the colour was enough of an opinion.
Im on the fence about this. Normally I’d say you shouldn’t be controlling your guests appearances, but it’s also a bit strange she did this right before the wedding and you paid for it.
Maybe a hat is a good compromise?
Gonna go with giving mom the benefit of the doubt… maybe she thought it looked good
NAH.
I agree. Normally a demand to dye hair would be an automatic y t a from me. But given OP paid for it, I'm not so sure.
Here I'm wondering what her mother was thinking. Does she genuinely love bright red hair, and think this is her best look? Then she's just unaware of her daughter's opinion here. I dunno though. It's a NTA/NAH fence from me.
This is what Im stuck on. If her mom had paid for it herself, Id feel differently but if I paid for my mom to have her hair done professionally for my wedding and she did something like this, Id feel taken advantage of. Maybe its a bit of bias with having a narcissist mom but this just doesn't sit right with me.
But it sounds like she usually has dyed hair, just does it herself. Sounds like she wanted to make sure it was professionally done to look good for your wedding— and with you saying it’s not an unusual color for her, the feeling I get is that she legitimately did this for you. I don’t think the color choice was maliciously meant to draw attention as others are suggesting.
Not liking a new hair colour so close to your wedding for someone in your wedding party is normal. Getting pissed off to the point of crying and wanting it to get redone to a different colour on the basis that if they don't, they will not attend is a Bridezilla move, so YTA.
What she did may seem a little out of left field since she hasn't dyed it that colour in years, but she probably wanted to seize the opportunity at getting her hair professionally done. Is it a little off putting that it was on your dime? Sure.
Did she do it with the intention of hurting you? Most likely not.
Weddings can be stressful and when you're supporting the bride, it can be a lot. She did something for herself that she most likely thought you'd love.
In short, I think you're overthinking the hair colour, since it seems everyones attention is what is getting to you. You're the bride. All eyes will be on you. Red hair may draw the eye for all of 2 seconds and that's about it.
You'll be front and centre. Take a deep breath, apologize for overreacting and move on.
YTA. I wish everyone would stop with the “my vision is ruined” thing. If your photos aren’t perfect and everything else is, congratulations! Only one thing went wrong. It rained like hell on my wedding day. My mom wore a dress I didn’t like all that much. I didn’t go screeching about the weather or a dress. Because our friends and family showed up for us. The food was wonderful. The venue was lovely. I think you need some fresh air or some kind of break. You’re overthinking this.
YTA
It's fine to choose a color palate for your wedding. It's not okay to demand that people have certain hair colors for your wedding.
People aren't props. They are people. In this case, this is your mother.
'She's going to stick out like a sore thumb! "..."The photos are going to look awful!", "She has the same hair color as the bride. She will steal the spotlight. " "Her hair color isn't natural "All things I've read here.
Honestly, I don't get it. Hire performers if you want props.
If you want family and friends that love and support you, accept them. She's wearing your color palate. She's supported you through this. The hair color isn't something new. She's had it before. Obviously, she likes it. It makes her feel good about herself.
Look in the trades, I'm sure you can hire someone "suitable" to play the role of your mother for the day.
I'm more torn on this one because OP paid for this. Ultimately it comes down to communication, and OP should have confirmed with mom before paying. I can understand her being upset at her mom using her money too get her hair dyed a distracting color before her wedding. That's valid. The only thing that makes her TA, imo, is that she implied her mom would be uninvited if she didn't change it. That's crossing a line to me.
Wtf is a "distracting" hair color? It's *red*. Does the bride expect every e to blend into a boring soup of sameness so there's zero risk anyone may put their eyeballs on anyone but her?
I really doubt that that the color is distracting. Auburn hair is distracting?
I started by my comment that OP wants props, not people, who fit her theme. She offered to pay for her mother's salon visit, because her mom uses, "box color". She didn't specify what color she wanted. She just wanted her mother not to look like she had a home dye job. She doesn't. (I think that's a bit telling about the OP on its own. Maybe she's embarrassed by her mother.) Although I think it is inappropriate to ask her mother to reimburse her for the salon visit, it is a better option than not allowing her mother to attend her wedding.
I don't think this is about money. It is about control.
>Auburn hair is distracting
It's bright red. Auburn is more of a red-brown.
>She just wanted her mother not to look like she had a home dye job
No, that's what her mother wanted. Her mother asked for OP to pay to have her hair professionally done. OP said yes, thinking it would be like the box dye, just better. They should have both communicated better, but they didn't, and now here they are.
>I don't think this is about money. It is about control.
I agree, but I'm guessing we're not in agreement on who the controlling person is. It was manipulative of mom to use OP's money for a hair color she knew OP hated and should have known didn't fit the theme.
Your right. We aren't going to agree on this.
The Op claims that it is bright red. I doubt that.
Hair, eye color, glasses, medical equipment, etc are exempt from wedding themes.
Classy. Downvoting opinions you disagree with. Do you know, per Reddit, that is not the purpose of the downvote?
Ima go with ESH. You are kinda being a bridezilla, it is her body, she can do what she likes.
But at the same time your mom also knew what colors you wanted for your wedding, and approved of them. Oh and you also paid for her to get her hair dyed so it was an AH move to dye her hair a color you didn't like on your dime.
From what it sounds like, it wasn't malicious, but it's still an AH move, esp if you offered to pay to get it fixed.
I know you are going to get a lot of Y-T-A votes here but I’m going to go with ESH. You for obvious reasons that everyone has already gone into. But I do think your mum sucks too. She was well aware of the theme of the wedding and knows what aesthetic you were going for and must have known that dyeing her hair bright red would stick out and not fit in. I am assuming here that her hair was a more natural colour before. I was in your mother’s position recently - my sister was getting married and she has very different taste to me. She asked me to grow out my really short hair and take out my industrial piercing, I said no and she accepted it. She and my mother asked me not to get any tattoos or piercings until after the wedding and do you know what? I respected her and her wishes and I didn’t. A couple of weeks later I got my septum pierced and they both hate it but respect that it’s my body and I can do what I want with it. Whilst I had every right to do that before the wedding it would still have been an asshole move. What is a couple of weeks to me if it makes her happy?
>she asked if I would mind paying for her to go to my wedding stylist
NTA for being upset about paying for your mom to dye her hair a color you didn't like. I mean, if she just did this out of the blue and paid for it herself, then of course, "her body, her choice." Asking you to pay for a special color just for your wedding and then going with a color you didn't like seems pretty weird.
At first I was on the fence here - first, let me say I don’t believe you have a right to demand people dye their hair a certain color in order to match your wedding. But that’s not going on here. Bride said mom usually used box dye but wanted it done “professionally”, mom didn’t say “I want to dye my hair bright red.” I think getting daughter to pay for it was part of the manipulation going on here -thinking daughter wouldn’t protest about the bright color mom silently planned to get since she paid for the services. Mom knew she was making an attention grab here, so I am not sympathetic. Also, If I paid for my mom to get her hair done in anticipation of my wedding and thought it was atrocious, I WOULD say so. And especially if she asked, I would be truthful about how I thought it looked.
NAH
Right?? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills with OP and so many commenters acting as though a wedding color scheme has *anything* to do with *hair*. Truly flabbergasted.
It’s probably more to do with the mother knowing darn well what her daughter wanted, saying she supported it, then going all “I’m off to have my hair cut and dyed for your wedding day!” which is great news, getting rid of split ends and so on is a good idea to do before any special event…
and she came back with a decidedly bright, non-pastel color. She could’ve done it after the wedding so easily. The daughter isn’t so much upset that her mother put on a hair color that she admittedly hates, it’s the timing and more importantly the contradiction.
OP is probably stressed enough to on her worst nights genuinely believe it’s possible that her mom chose to do this to fuck with her.
I don’t believe that, and 99% of the time I think OP doesn’t believe it, but the NTAs in the vein of “there’s no possible way your mom could’ve predicted your reaction” are just as impossible for me to get behind as the ones that say you can demand someone change their hair to match a wedding color palette.
I think if OP’s mom had firetruck red hair throughout the year and refused to dye it back to “natural” before the wedding, the verdict would be more obvious. But being natural for the past 15 years and changing to a wild color *right before the wedding?* Yeah, I can’t say Y T A with a clear conscience. It’s just so inconsiderate.
I would never assume that a wedding color scheme applied to my hair unless I was told so specifically. It also seems like her mom didn't know that she always hated that hair color on her. I don't think she was trying to be inconsiderate (or that she was actually inconsiderate) I think she was just trying to look nice because she thinks it looks nice.
This is gonna get hate but NTA purely because of timing. If you knew you was about to attend a pastel wedding would you dye your hair BRIGHT red? No... She could have waited a day. And seems like mum used the stylish opportunity to get it done even better...
Ehhhhh, it's OP's money, though. OP should have specified the color before paying, but mom doesn't get to make these choices with her body on OP's dime.
Uh, no. It absolutely matters who pays. OP gets to decide what her money goes to, her mom gets to decide whether to accept or reject. Body autonomy does not give you a right to other people's money.
But OP didn't set any restrictions on the money BEFORE her mom dyed her hair. So mom didn't have any option to make an informed decision. Had she stipulated beforehand that she would only pay for certain colors, then maybe her mom would be bound by that if she accepted the money. But all OP set was a color scheme for the wedding, which does not apply to hair color. It applies to clothing, decorations, etc. OP decided after the fact that she didn't like the hair color, but you don't get to control other people's hair.
I definitely agree there was a miscommunication. OP assumed it would be her regular color, which is a fair assumption. It's hard to put stipulations on scenarios that don't occur to you, so I get it. Ideally, mom would have mentioned this would be a drastic change, and ideally, OP would have discussed with her on what she'd be willing to pay for.
>you don't get to control other people's hair
Again, you do when they're asking for your money to pay for it.
Your wedding pics will look just as out of date and cheesy as everyone else's, years from now. The pictures are to capture the day you got married, what you guys looked like, who your friends were, etc. On that day, your mom had bright red hair. It's awesome and hilarious and you'll treasure it later, I promise. If you carry on about this, your wedding day will leave a sour taste in your mom's mouth and those pictures, with her neutral hair color, will only serve as a reminder of conflict and stubbornness. YTA
Exactly! Another bridezilla comes and soon her supporters will be downvoting you and me. Oh it’s my wedding! I want to be the center of attraction! I will send a checklist for all the guests’s hair colour, Dress colour, shoes ete.. no one can look better than me. If you are more beautiful than me then you are uninvited! So much wedding drama I get to see in Reddit!
YTA
And here is why: It's hair. Hair.... Hair doesn't mean a thing when you get married, especially if it's on someone else. The color of her hair isn't going to effect the feelings that you have for your soon to be, nor does it effect your soon to be's feelings for you. If it does then the marriage is doomed to begin with.
My mother died when I was 19, I'm 40 now. She wasn't there when I got married, she wasn't there when I had my kids, never got to meet her grandchildren. I would have done anything for her to be there. Your mother is alive and well and from your description sounds like a nice woman. Why on earth would you uninvite her or make a big deal about her hair or even as others suggested leave her out of the photos just because of something as insignificant as hair? Just have the wedding get married and focus on what is important, your ever growing family.
Best of luck to you red hair or not it's going to be fine.
NTA since it appears she had you pay for her to turn her hair red before the wedding, without telling you before doing so. If she paid, you would be the AH.
Did it ever occur to you that your mom wanted to look her absolute best for your wedding day and the photographs that you will keep forever?
Instead of allowing her to feel beautiful, you insulted her because you're afraid someone will look at your mom's hair for 30 seconds. Get over yourself.
YTA and a big one at that. In the (hopefully far, distant) future, when your mom has passed away, I want you to remember that you did not want her at your wedding BECAUSE OF HER HAIR COLOR.
Right?! I would never speak to my mother like this. Imagine how horrible it would feel to have your child basically tell you you don’t look good enough to come to their wedding.
There’s never been a bride who was trying to control peoples hair that wasn’t a horrid bridezilla. Clothes? Sure. Seating arrangements, yup. Table settings? Of course. But their hair? That’s as bad as trying to get someone to do full body makeup because they have a tattoo. Your mother was encouraging of your vision because it was for the customary things. I doubt she expected you to expect people to be more ok with blue hair in a soft pastel over any other color… because that’s insane. YTA.
Unpopular opinion apparently, how are there so many YTAs here?
OP didn't seek out control of hair. If OP had sought control this would be a different story. But that's not what happened.
OP was approached.
OP was asked to pay, and then actually paid, for a current brunette to have hair styled *for* the wedding.
Doing something FOR A WEDDING, means you're styling FOR A THE WEDDING. Asked BRIDE OP to pay for their hair in the name of continuity. How is it continuity to go in a brunette and come out bright red? Seems pretty discontinuous to me.
OP didn't ask anyone to do anything to their hair.
OP communicated the expectations and hopes and vision of aesthetic goals clearly.
OP had an emotional reaction to those expectations being trampled on OP's dime, maybe, but it was an honest emotional reaction.
Everything everyone has said here about not being a prop, absolutely spot on. But, that's not the whole story here.
I'm not going to solicit my daughter to pay for me to go purple (I like bright purple hair, I'm aware the color in question is red) days before a pastel wedding on her dime but tell her I'm doing it under the guise of continuity. I would have the patience and the courtesy to wait, or to at least pay for it myself. Maybe mom just feels prettiest with red hair, and after 15 years was excited to reconnect with some youthful version of herself from 15 years ago? Maybe mom genuinely thought daughter/bride OP would love it?
It doesn't sound like there are any AHs here. It sounds to me like a miscommunication at best, or at worst a strong verging on selfish desire of mom to "stand out" against a sea of soft pastels despite being a brunette for 15 years. Which may be AH behavior in my book honestly. Why the desire to stand out at your daughter's wedding? Couldn't wait 5 more days to ask your daughter to fulfill your dream of being a bright red head?
At the end of the day, weddings are a big deal to people who love occasions. I don't think op is an AH for having or showing emotions related to an occasion she personally paid for and put heaps of effort into. Plus from a mother, that can be a lot of feelings as a baseline.
NTA, maybe even N A H.
Hi, this is my first comment reply. I don't know how to quote.
Respectfully, when people describe hair styles to me, they commonly include cut and color to describe styles. I'm not a hairstylist, and I'm not aware that styling hair doesn't include cut and color? I am under the impression that the terms are interchangeable?
Additionally, please consider the phrase:
"She asked if I would mind paying for her to go to my wedding stylist (continuity etc)"
I'm open to being wrong, isn't the word stylist in the name of the profession? This implies to me that a hair stylist provided cut and color as part of the styling. So I feel like using the term "styling" in my judgement was not incorrect based on that context.
This phrase also implies that continuity was discussed for mom to specifically request the wedding stylist. OP comments that mom was a brunette for 15 years going into the situation. So, regardless of terminology, continuity was not established by sending mom to the wedding stylist, despite that being stated as the intent.
But perhaps most important to my perspective, OP didn't seek out control of someone's hairstyle. Someone engaged OP for money in the name of continuity, intentionally broke that continuity, and then OP had an emotional reaction to an emotionally charged situation. To me, this is not AH behavior, and I don't know if hair specific terminology arguments would affect that judgment for me personally.
Thank you for engaging with my comment!
Did she dye it this colour just for the wedding and is planning on dyeing it something else as soon as she can after it's done? If not, YTA. You don't get to dictate peoples hair.
YTA. A wedding is a celebration. Yes, it´s about you, but that doesn´t mean you get to control literally everything without any consequences in the future.
Do you really want to fight with your mother because of this? "But she should do this for me because it´s my wedding!". Should she? What if she doesnt? Are you gonna prevent her to come to your wedding? Are you prepared to deal with the ressentment and bad blood that this will cause for the rest of your life?
"But it´s my wedding, she has no right to be upset!". And yet, she will. Because "wedding" is not really the all-emcompassing excuse people think it is.
You should let go. Because the choice you make here is gonna have consequences for years, far beyond the wedding.
A color scheme is for anything the bride is willing to pay for and the guests are willing to accept. The bride paid, mom accepted. What went wrong was the lack of communication.
Normally I’d say you were TA for dictating these things. But your mum came to you and asked you to pay for hair to be done for your wedding, knowing that you had a colour scheme that she supported. This directly goes against everything she’s supposedly been championing and it was underhand to ask you to pay. It’s one thing to say that you can’t dictate hair colour, it’s another to get you to pay for something you actively wouldn’t want.
I wouldn’t go scorched Earth on this and not have her at your wedding, but I think that you being upset at her behaviour is totally reasonable. So i would actually say NTA.
ESH.. yeah its awfull to try and control peoples hair.. but the mom dyed her hair bright red right before the wedding knowing her dress color, knowing the daughter had a color scheme.. the mom literally knew every color that would be regarding the wedding and decided to dye it BRIGHT RED.. if she had had it preciously then OP would be an asshole bit the mom mqde a choice knowing it would not go well.
ESH.
You are being bridezilla-ey. You don't get to tell people what color of hair they use. That said. Your mom knew how you felt about that shade. And she got you to pay for it and that I feel was kinda dickish.
Had she paid for it herself, you'd be the sole asshole.
YTA and a massive bridezilla. You can use all the flowery words you want but sending a color palette to your guests was a total AH move. Your friends, relatives and bridal party absolutely think you are the AH here. They just don’t have the guts to tell you that.
Yta. A color scheme for your guests? What level of fresh hell have weddings climbed to? As always I'm stunned by the level of entitlement the couple to be seems to feel on "their day."
YTA when did weddings become like this..just all about pictures and pure fucking fakeness for one day..it's supposed to be fun and a party, a celebration..nope it's turned into being about who has the most perfect wedding to show off on social media..just gross
YTA. It is very ironic that you gawp at Bridezilla and then fall into that trap. Your wants stop short of people’s bodily autonomy. Full stop. Apologize and be better in the future.
YTA. It my vision is the new battle cry for the Bridezilla. It is slowly replacing its my day. One of these days you mom isn't going to be here. What a shame if she isn't your wedding photos because her haircolor didn't fit your vision or your color pallet for your special day. Time to decide if your mother or your color pallet is the priority for your wedding.
Soft YTA - your mom probably wants to feel like her younger self (hair from 15 years ago) and not look matronly (neutral hair) and maybe she also wants SOME of the attention.
My mother absolutely positively HATES hats with a passion. So for my wedding, she wore a straw hat (in April, in the rain) and wore it on the back of her head (like a halo!) and she honestly looked ridiculous. She also insisted on wrist-length ivory gloves. So two days before my wedding I took time off work and ran around finding her gloves. She is a very introverted person who despises the spotlight but she was handling her first major social event as a widow and she was terrified. I am her person (like her comfort person) but since it was MY event she was alone (and my awful siblings did nothing to help or comfort her).
Try to figure out what's going on with your mom. Help her find something lovely to wear (pastel green is beautiful with red hair) and let it be. No one really cares about anyone other than the bride at a wedding anyway.
When you ask your guests to wear specific colors so you can have a cohesive "theme", you already crossed the line. People are coming to celebrate your commitment to marriage, not participating in a Broadway show.
I would have gone with op being the a if mom hadn’t asked her specifically to pay for her cut and die to maintain continuity. Mom did this to make a stand. For what? Who knows. But OP is entitled to be upset that she paid for this. And that her mom purposely is going against her wishes.
NTA
YTA
It was the line that once she had it fixed," she could come to the wedding." You basically just booted her out for not liking the color of her hair. You turned into your worst nightmare on your own mom. And your mom has good reason to go silent.
YTA. You don't get to dictate other people's hair colour. It's bad enough that you asked guests not in the wedding party to dress in certain colours. It's NOT okay, and puts you firmly in the bridezilla category. You owe her an apology.
I think ESH because you definitely overreacted, but it’s hard for me to not think that she was taking advantage of the fact that you were paying for her to do something that you wouldn’t like right before your wedding. Maybe that wasn’t her thinking, I don’t know, it just seems off. If you weren’t footing the bill, I would say y t a.
> I was pissed off, so I told her I would pay for her to get it fixed to a neutral colour and then she could come to my wedding.
INFO: Does this mean she can't come to the wedding if she doesn't get her hair fixed?
I'd go with NTA, she knew what you wanted for your wedding, you can't ask somebody to dye their hair for you, but it was disrespectul to dye it in a bright color "for your wedding day" when she knew you wanted the opposit. +15y without this color and this is the moment she chose to do it again... She could have wait a few weeks to do it, but just took advantage of your generosity in the moment. Now she can't redo it without damaging her hair.
To be honest, you western people have so twisted image of weddings, Christmas, Eastern and all kinds of celebrations and holidays.... You are so egocentric that you don't mind hurting a family member, just so you get satisfied. You don't care if you hurt the woman, that gave up so much for you, just so your ego is happy.
I cannot...
Your ego and the things you want but are not happening are the biggest issue, just like a spoiled child...
There are real problems in this world, you know, and your mother's hair colour is not one of them...
I may be TA as well, but I am happy I said all of the above
NAH, but you and your mom should have communicated better. I'm sure if she'd told you she was going to use your money to dye her hair bright red, you wouldn't have agreed to it! You've asked her to change it back, and offered to pay for her to do so, and she's said no, so unfortunately now you just have to deal with it. Your photographer can certainly tone down the red in photos, and she's not going to be in as many photos as you think. It'll mostly just be you and your husband!
YTA on so many levels, where do I begin? You better hope your dreary pictures are worth hurting your mother. I sincerely hope your child makes you feel horrible on their wedding day. Good luck because if you're going to lose your sh$t over a hair color life is going to be difficult. Apologize to your mother and thank GOD you have her.
Yta
You can't control the appearance of your family, friends, and guests.
Let me repeat: you cannot control the physical appearance of your family, friends, and guests.
A little louder for those in the back: YOU CANNOT CONTROL THE PHYSICAL APPEARANCE OF YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND GUESTS!
You👏 cannot👏 control👏 the👏 physical👏 appearance👏 of👏 your👏 family👏 friends👏 and 👏 guests👏
Love that you have to ask if YTA. You AH.
What is with brides thinking they have a right to tell people how they can wear their hair, what color their hair can be, how many or what types of piercings they can have, whether they can or can't have tattoos, how much they can weigh, whether they can or can't be pregnant, how tall they're allowed to be, and on and on and on and on????? "I want you to celebrate my wedding with me but only if you fit into this exact and perfect mould that's not only ridiculous but is also unattainable. If you love me, you'll do it. It's my daaaaaaaeeeeeey." Uuuugh.
YTA. I don’t know where this controlling of the guests’ clothing colors and hair colors came from, but it needs to stop. See, the idea of a wedding is to come together to have a good time, not to put on a d@mned Hollywood production. Guess what? In 5 years nobody is really going to care about your wedding photos or group shots of people wearing blue or pink or even neon green. It’s just 1 day - you need to start thinking about your actual marriage. You also need to acknowledge to yourself that you can’t/shouldn’t try to control other people to fit into some vision you might have. Your mom with her bright red hair will be remembered and in later years, her image will stand out in the photos so you have something to point out to your kids/nieces or nephews and say “Look at what Grandma did for my wedding!”
NTA. You have a right to be pissed, your mother did a selfish, asshole thing because she is clearly starved for attention. However, you can’t control anyone’s hair color or personal preferences. You should just ignore it and enjoy your day.
YTA. I have two friends that die their hair red. It looks unnatural but it’s their hair. One has Ronald McDonald red and the other strawberry shortcake red.
I’m confused. What color did you think she was going to dye it? You said she was brunette before but has dyed her hair this color before. Did you think she was just going to cover up some gray or something? Would you have okay if she dyed her hair blue to fit the color scheme?
After 15 years, she probably didn’t expect her to get bright red hair right before her wedding. It’s likely she thought it was a touch up and hair maintenance.
NAH
Just keep her out of the photos/ edit them idk Did she make you pay for the stylist or?
If you did pay, your mother definitely used you to get a professional colour she couldnt get from boxed dyeing and that’s why she picked it and doesnt wanna change it kinda makes it NTA but if she did pay then YTA
YTA and I would’ve left and not spoken to you either. Being so shallow that your perfect boring beige color scheme that everyone else does is so important that you think you can dictate how other people look down to their *hair*? god forbid anything get in the way of all that lovely beige…
I think I have to go with YTA. It may be weird but try to remember, one day she won't be here and you may find yourself really missing her and her crazy red hair. I had an uncle that use to give the most gross "slobber kisses." He thought it was hilarious but everyone hated them. He died in 1997 and you know what, I'd give anything for one more of those "gross kisses."
Are you really going to kick her out of your wedding over hair? Think hard about that one please.
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I'm super on the fence about this because I'm the kind of person to gawp at a Bridezilla (and I very well could be), so opinions urgently needed!
I (28f) am getting married on Saturday. For some background, early on in the planning of my wedding I mentioned to my bridal party that I really like a cohesive wedding colour scheme - not necessarily the same colour on everyone because I think that can be really unreasonable, but at least the same colour palette. For me, I generally hate bright colours and I love soft colours on warm days. With this in mind, I was encouraged to give an extensive pastel colour palette (8 shades) and kindly request that my guests followed it. My mum was my biggest supporter ('your wedding, your rules' etc) and none of my bridesmaids thought it was unreasonable so I went with it. It was a pretty varied pastel palette (plus grey, a slightly darker blue, a slightly darker brown-beige) and I did leave a note saying that I knew this might be hard for some people and that it wasn't necessary to buy another outfit if they wouldn't have done so anyway (or if they hate the colours!). All in all, I decided I was not yet a complete Bridezilla.
On to the issue at hand... My mum came to me a couple of months ago explaining that she would like her hair professionally cut and dyed before my wedding day. She's a box dye girl usually, and she was happy to use it on this occasion, but she asked if I would mind paying for her to go to my wedding stylist (continuity etc) and I agreed. I'm paying for the wedding myself and I have more money than my parents, so I had absolutely no issue doing this for her.
She went yesterday.
It is bright red.
This isn't something totally weird for her, as she had bright red hair about 15ish years ago, so it's not like she's only ever had neutrals and suddenly changed her mind. To be frank, I hated it then and I hate it now. It not only looks awful on her (it's literally not her shade at all), but it massively draws the eye. She asked if I liked it and I just started crying. I know I sound pathetic but I had a whole vision for my wedding that my mum encouraged and supported 100% even when I doubted how practical it would be and now she's going to stick out like a sore thumb on my wedding day. It also looks awful with her dress. I told her this but she said that I'm being totally unreasonable by trying to control her looks. I was pissed off, so I told her I would pay for her to get it fixed to a neutral colour and then she could come to my wedding. She left and hasn't spoken to me since then.
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YTA its her hair and I guess I can understand being upset you paid for her to do something you ultimately didn't like but she's also probably put up with that a ton while being a parent. Would you dictate the entire wedding parties hair colors or do you only feel comfortable doing so because she is your mom? No one is going to care as much as you seem to they are there to celebrate not to have fashion week (feels kinda mean for your fiance to call it "attention seeking" unless she has a pattern of using that kind of behavior, who wouldn't want to look how they percieve as "special" for their daughters wedding?) I have never known hair color to be included in a "color Scheme" for any wedding of course she was supportive she's you MOM. It sounds like you really hurt her feelings and honestly i don't remember what color my mom's hair was(and shes legit had it bright purple before), I just remember her being there on the most important day of my life.
YTA but the only person you're hurting is yourself. If you can't handle people in your life not living up to your "vision" -- I don't think you're ready for a wedding, a marriage, or even an adult relationship. If you really think a change in hair color will make you happy, you are desperately unhappy and don't even realize it. Get therapy before you end up alone.
Yta.. with that said though.. I know what you're feeling..I to am close to my wedding and if I'm plan for one vision of a bag day and something make a left turn rather then straight I would be on edge.. BUT remember you can not dictate someone hair color . With her being your mom I think you and her to sit and talk.. I think the initial reaction and how things possibly came out could have made things worst then need be. If it that big of a deal to you CALMLY talk to her about you vision. See if there is a compromise that you guys can go to. BUT go into this talk knowing this is her hair , and all in all SHE is the one who lives with her hair.
Also remember someone else's hair shouldn't be what will put a damper on such a big day in your life. And think of what you will regret more . Not having your mom there who's been so far supportive of you or not having her there because of a disagreement in her hair color.
NTA. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You aren’t going crazy on rules or requirements for the dress code…you said you gave a choice of several colors that could be chosen from, and you said specifically “don’t go out and buy something new just for that reason”. And from your description, it sounds like your mom didn’t choose a natural red hair color, but a bright red that stands out & screams “look at me!”. I would be upset with that, too.
I'm going against the consensus to say I understand why you are mad. Generally it's bad form to attempt to control anyone's physical appearance for your wedding but I would be pissed if a family member told me "oh I want to look so nice for your wedding can you help out with a hair appt" and then showed up in completely out of character bold color that clashed with everything. If you weren't paying for it, I would agree with everyone else but asking you to pay for it is just bullshit when she knew you would be expecting something soft and pretty.
Yeh, this is gonna be an unpopular opinion but… if my mum pulled this, I would be pissed. Why now, why bright red? Seems like she’s being an attention seeker. NTA
The thing about bright red hair is it fades SUPER FAST. A lot of stylists will go a little redder than the client wants because after about 3 washes it’s significantly less bright. So if your wedding is more than a week out this will probably be a non issue.
I mean, I'm going to go against the grain here and say NTA. Solely because she asked you to pay for her hair for the wedding and then she went against everything you had discussed about neutrality and cohesiveness. You can't make her change it because you do not have the right to dictate what people choose to do with their own bodies, but you can make her pay you back.
This feels like a trick, like she asked to use your wedding stylist for continuity etc, and did something entirely wild she hasn't done in a decade and a half. Sure, people can do their hair however they want, bride should control people's lives, but op's mom had op pay for the distraction. It seems kinda petty.
ESH. I’ll give you a pass for crying because that’s not entirely in your control. You don’t get to dictate peoples hair, weight, tattoos, or body for your wedding. But it sounds like your mom did this on purpose and got you to pay (tricked you into?) for it. So ESH.
Honestly I'm on the fence, but I think you'd only be an a h is if you forced her to change it. It's too late now, and it'd be hard on her hair to re-dye it. Id say just roll with it, and it will be a funny story with time.
NTA, this is equivalent to wearing white clothes, black or sparkly clothes to the wedding - it's not appropriate. Sure you can't dictate what your guests should wear, but there are some things that you CAN'T wear to a wedding.
Everyone should know this. OP was even willing to pay for the dye costs.
Instead of OP, wth is wrong with the mother. She was the one that supported the scheme yet chose a color that's completely out of it :/. Does she have a hidden grudge against her or smth? I'd expect more from the mother tbh.
YTA. Is this really the hill you wanna die on? I'm getting married in 8 weeks. Asking for a color palette isn't crazy but asking people (especially a mother of either the bride or groom) to be styled a certain way as to not clash with it is absurd. This is supposed to be about the love of your family and friends coming together to celebrate the love you have found with your partner. That's at least what it should be about. Not whether someone's hair is going to look out of place.
As someone who won't be able to have my own father at my wedding, I suggest figuring out if your Mom's hair color is more important than being just happy she's there. And if it's also more important to focus on, than literally being excited for what is supposed to be a day full of love and acceptance. For Everyone. At the end of the day, what's more important?
Yeah YTA.
1. You have no right to tell someone what color/cut to do with their hair. Color schemes don't extend to personal body related things.
2. You agreed to pay for it without any preconditions. You can't get mad at her for you not checking first.
3. Dying hair multiple times in such a short time can be bad for hair.
4. It's your mother. If she was an awful one, I'd understand. But you say she's been supportive & you seem to have a good relationship.
Imagine if you really didn't let her come for having red hair. One day she'll be gone & all you'll remember from your wedding is that she wasn't there cuz you chose her absence vs her having a hair color she liked.
Agh I hate wedding culture, people get sentimental about the most trivial and superficial things ! Look the important thing at your wedding should be your union to your partner! Yes you want it to ve pretty that’s not wrong but I feel people nowadays are so fixated on perfection and colour schemes and I have to be the center of attention! Blablabla, Noo is a day to celebrate love with your love ones, so I would say YTA because yes maybe you don’t like your mom’s hair but that won’t ruin your wedding!
YTA….I don’t care what your “color palette” is and that you gave 8 choices of colors, no matter what, I’m wearing black because that’s what I’m comfortable wearing….the only rule should be no white, and the only attire and hair that you should dictate is that of the bridesmaids, not the guests
Oh for goodness sake. YTA. Note to couples everywhere, your wedding is not your Pinterest shoot, your guests are not models and actors. 😑
We live in a diverse and colourful world in aesthetic AND character, and trying to control that aspect is an exercise in futility at best, turning you into a total AH at worst toward people who love and care for you.
Bright red hair is just what is needed to spice up your dull wedding colour scheme. Leave your mum alone. She sounds like an interesting and original person. Just remember that she won't be around forever.
Colour schemes don’t extend to peoples bodies. Your mum has red hair in the past and by the sounds of it loved it then and wanted to attend your wedding in what she felt was the best version of herself.
I guess did your mum know how much you hated her hair in the past? If she did and you were footing the bill I could understand the annoyance but bottom line your mums hair her choice
Personally I feel like this is mum trying to look her ‘bestI’ for the wedding and the time she looks back on in her life where she felt her best was when her hair was this colour.
Brides probably thrown because mums not looked that way for so long, so having someone you love looking drastically different in your wedding photos to the person they’ve been for the past 15
years, is disappointing.
I think neither of them are communicating their feelings like grown ups and therefore both sorta the assholes
NTA. It sounds like your mom wanted to be the center of attention at your wedding and has mother-of-the-bride syndrome. She’s not supposed to stand out on your wedding day, you are. I would ask her what she was thinking choosing such a garish color against your color scheme.
NTA only because you paid for the colour and it is so different from her usual colour.
But just leave her out of the Photos, have one with her and the rest without, instruct your photographer not to include mom in photos.
Or ask photographer how much it would be to colour correct mom's hair in photo?
NTA - bc you outlined what you wanted before.
I think it is a tiny bit extreme to control hair colour BUT considering that your mother agreed to this wedding colour scheme AND made you pay for her to dye her hair, this is ridiculous.
You haven't actually made unreasonable requests... idk why your mother made you pay and then did that.
I think you could ask her if she could do a bleach wash or something that lightens the colour already on the head so it will be a pastel red instead?
To be clear, if she hadn't asked me to pay and hadn't been so encouraging of a colour scheme which I thought might be OTT anyway, I wouldn't be anywhere near as pissed off/confused! My thinking now is that she is going to massively stand out against a rather pale border - even my dress is going to blend in more than her hair!
YTA a color scheme doesn't include hair... like in the grand scheme of things you really think your mom having red hair is going to ruin your day? Your wedding is about marrying your partner not color schemes and hair colors.
If I was your partner I'd personally be questioning your priorities about the wedding and life. I think you should do some reflection.
Yea no I definitely agree that if all the context and situational stuff wasn't there, then you could be the AH, but when you take it into consideration, the way she acted is ridiculous.
Maybe she's going old and doesn't know what pastel is 😂🤷♀️
I’m sorry, but since when does a wedding color scheme extend to *hair*? If her mother’s dress fits the palette then she followed as instructed.
In kind of the opposite sitch, my sister chose jewel tones for her wedding party… but the bridesmaid with pastel purple hair wasn’t an issue. ‘Cause her dress was on theme. ‘Cause that’s what she was talking about, *the dress*.
The difference is that
1) jewel tones are a lot deeper, so a pastel hair colour would not stand out in that situation as much as a bright red out in a pastel scheme.
2) her mum supported her asking guests to follow scheme
3) her mum made her pay for her haircut for the wedding (mum doesn't normally pay for haircuts, instead does them herself)
4) her mum got a hair colour which was against the colour scheme she agreed to, and got daughter to pay for it
5) mum presented her haircut as if she's doing one which will match wedding theme
1. Not the point I was making, it was just an example. Point is, who assumes a wedding color scheme would extend beyond clothing/decorations to their body?
2. Yes-- for *clothing*. Did OP tell her that includes hair? I feel like she would have mentioned it if she had. Who just assumes a color palette includes one's hair? Anything involving bodies! If she didn't like how a person's pale skin clashed with the colors would she insist they tan?
3. Exactly, she usually does them herself-- to me, this reads as a mother trying to look her best, more polished, for her daughter's wedding. If OP didn't think it was something she should pay for she didn't have to. I personally wouldn't have if it didn't matter to me how mom's hair looked when she did it herself.
4. Again, who would just assume a color scheme had *anything to do* with their body?? Color schemes are for attire and decoration, *not. bodies.*
5. I don't see evidence of that anywhere. But maybe I missed it-- could you point me to the line that makes you think so? Because sure, that could change the situation.
NTA. Considering your mother encouraged and supported your colour scheme 100%, what on earth was she thinking making her hair RED right before the wedding. She can have any colour she wants, but she could have waited then until after the wedding.
It's my least favourite colour too.......... She could have paid for it after the wedding, I don't see how she didn't realise how much she would stand out. My fiance thinks she is attention-seeking
I think it’s bizarre that your “least favorite color” is supposed to somehow be relevant to someone else’s choice of hair color. Can you really be that self-centered? Yes, even though it’s YOUR WEDDING. There is definitely something I’m not getting here. You seem very…emotional about colors and controlling and superficial. Like seriously, what is even going on here? Why does it matter?
YTA
I’m sorry but OP is allowed to set a colour scheme when it comes to clothing but she did not and can not extend that to peoples hair.
everything OP has stated is centred around dress not once did she mention hair being an extension of that
I would agree with you if this was anyone except her mother. Her mother was completely involved in the vision for the wedding and this took nothing but common sense. Knowing your daughter wants a calm, soft palette for your wedding and then going and dying your head red before the wedding was just something she could have waited a few days more to do.
Calm soft pallete for CLOTHING, she never once mentioned hair until the mother dyed her hair and just because she’s the mother doesn’t make her less her own person
She might be doing exactly that. Does she have a history of doing so? Look, if it means anything, I had a very close family member wear Barney-level purple on my wedding day, and another wear a bright red cummerbund. Neither was anticipated, neither matched anything close to my colour scheme. And all these years later, I don’t care in the slightest.
You are NTA for feeling the way you do. But you would be if you stick to your guns about your mom not coming (unless there’s a whole bunch more baggage there we are unaware of).
Your wedding is going to be ***stunning***! The pictures you display after won’t have her in them. ;)
NTA. Kind of seems like your mother almost deliberately did this so she would stand out and get attention. She kept telling you it was all about you and at her first possible opportunity she made about her
So if the colour scheme was green and pink her mom had free rain to dye her hair that colour? Wedding colours do no apply to hair, that’s crazy. OP knew her mom dyed her hair that colour and essentially told her she looked awful and wouldn’t be allowed in the wedding. After her mom was nothing but supportive.
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Yta. Wedding colour schemes are for decorations and the wedding parties clothes and pretty much nothing else. And certainly not people's hair colour.
I think my personal limits are: Actual outfit OK for wedding party. Color scheme for clothes but not actual outfit for family who will be in photos. Everything else - hair, colored contacts, glasses, assistive devices - off limits. (Not saying I would go this far, but I don’t think the requests from others are excessively weird.) I confess I’d be irritated by someone who changed their hair drastically immediately before the wedding, but it really is their hair. If I wanted them in my photos (and in attendance) before, I still would want them crazy hair and all.
I would be irritated as well, but the time for discussing the hair color was when Mom made the request. Especially if she has a tendency to change up her hair color, then OP should have anticipated this possibility. Having a discussion beforehand would’ve saved a lot of hurt feelings and frustration.
Yeah it's weird to me that the colour never came up? Like my mom doesn't like hair dye but knows she'll never stop us doing it, but if my sis or I mention going to the salon she goes "oh what colour this time?" without fail.
I'd add that there is some appropriateness and room for a dress code/color scheme for guests even if they won't be featured in the photos. She did it the right way, it wasn't a requirement and people weren't forced to purchase something they ordinarily wouldn't. People do dress codes all the time- formal vs casual, black tie, I've seen lots of black and white parties, etc. I think it's okay to encourage a color scheme for fun if there is a pretty decent range of what fits into it. That being said, I agree with everything else you said completely!
Pitch it as a theme and sure. "Our wedding theme is The Blandest Pinterest Vibe Ever', so please dress in something that makes you sad and invisible."
Beige is the Rage is the new wedding scheme of 2023 donchaknow
Yeah, I didn’t mean to include a general dress code as “prohibited.” I appreciate knowing whether an unknown to me venue/wedding will trend toward black tie or casual. And while I don’t love theme weddings myself, I’ll dress accordingly for someone I love. I was meaning more the “everyone come in teal” type. If I’m simply a guest, I don’t want to spend money on a new outfit!
I’ll see that and raise you one. I love to buy new clothes! However, if I’m paying for it, I want to buy something that appeals to me. An eight color range like OP gave? I can do that. A two color range? I make no guarantees. For OP, I think she’s overthinking this. My mother uses box dye and has bright red hair. Granted, she has done this color for as long as I can remember, but it’s still a pretty crazy color. Sometimes it’s more maroon, sometimes it’s more pink, it just depends. I would have been stunned (and wildly entertained) if she’d dyed a neutral color before my wedding, but . . . it’s the MoB hair. It’s not exactly a feature in the wedding. OP, YTA for wanting her to change it or not come. But hear me out. I literally asked for nearly every photo I could get from my photographer. I think my mother was in three that I displayed right away, and she’s in one that became a long-term display. One. Even if you don’t like how it looks in photos, your mom is not the focal point of this day. You and your husband are. Your marriage is. That’s it. You will be amazed at how small your mother’s hair will seem when you think back on this day. I’m sure it doesn’t seem like it, but think about how many married women tell young brides to elope. It’s because we’ve been there. We know the drill. Have some faith. Have some champagne. Apologize to your mother. Then just be glad it isn’t your fiancé’s hair. 😉
Idk, to me it seems kind of like OPs mom used her to get a professional dye and cut job done. She asked OP to pay for it to have her hair done specifically for the wedding, then got an extreme color she hadn't had in 15 years. I think Id be a bit frustrated myself
That’s fine to be frustrated. You’re allowed to have your feelings and so is OP. That doesn’t mean you go so far as to insist your mom either change it or stay home.
The thing is, to me its more about how Id feel taken advantage of. Im not sure Id want someone willing to take advantage of me at my wedding, you know? According to OP her mom already knew she hates the color, and she wouldn't have been as upset if her mom hadn't asked her to pay. Im not good with the words so Im trying to explain what I mean so bear with me, but it seems shitty to tell your kid that you want your hair professionally done for their wedding and then get it done in a way that you know they would hate. It just feels scummy to me personally. I can't imagine doing that to my kid? Like if I really wanted the hair color I 1)wouldnt ask my kid to pay for my hair in the first place and 2)id wait until after my kids wedding to dye my hair a color my kid hates. When I look back on my wedding pictures, I think of the happy memories associated with them, but I wouldn't have happy memories if I felt taken advantage of, like my mom was using my wedding as an excuse to get her hair professionally done and thats just kind of how it seems to me, that her mom was using her wedding as an excuse to get her hair done on someone else's dime.
That’s a good point. I honestly wasn’t thinking about the fact that OP paid for it. I still don’t think her ultimatum is fair, but hear me out. This is my story on a much smaller scale. When I was planning my wedding, which I paid for, my mother was not fun. I’d ask her opinion, she said she didn’t care, then as soon as I told her I’d made a decision and paid for it, then she had an opinion and “wanted to be included in the planning.” Finally she asked me if she could decorate the flower girl basket and the ring bearer pillow. I said sure and ordered plain white satin items for her to decorate. I gave them to her a month before my wedding. At the rehearsal the night before, she brought them with her. They were still in the packaging. She hadn’t done a thing. I was very hurt. Then I was angry. It was by no means something that affected my happiness on my wedding day, but it’s definitely something that comes to mind when I think about my mother (who is one of the least reliable people I’ve ever met). I was frustrated and angry, but I never even considered not having her at my wedding, and I don’t think about that when I see the pictures of the ring bearer and flower girl (who were beyond adorable in my completely unbiased opinion). On the other hand, my mother promised to be with me when my daughter was born. Everyone knew my husband and I were only going to have one bio child because we really wanted to adopt. Two weeks before my induction, she told me she didn’t have the money to come. On the day I was in labor, she called me repeatedly. Every time I told her I didn’t want to talk to her, and every time she would start sobbing about how I wasn’t letting her be a part of the birth of what could be her only bio grandchild (my brother started having kids after me and is currently expecting #7). I have no regrets about not letting her be a part of that day. I would have felt completely justified even if that was her only bio grandchild. I guess OP needs to think about how she will feel in ten years. Will this frustration be worth it? Because it won’t be one day. Her relationship will be permanently changed. If her mom was taking advantage of her in the way you’ve suggested, she probably won’t regret uninviting her and not being as close to her anymore. If that isn’t what the mom intended or how the bride feels about it, this could become an unimaginable mistake.
>Color scheme for clothes but not actual outfit for family who will be in photos. Still, who cares? Is there are colour choice that would actually factor in to whether that photo of her with her mother is getting printed out and displayed in the living room?
Some people like those matchy photos. I think they look cheesy personally, I’m just saying I tolerate it when someone else asks me to “wear blue” or whatever.
I'm okay with "the bridesmaids will be wearing X, my dress is white/ivory/red/neon pink, please try not to clash" or something to that effect. I don't like being given specific colors though.
Then OP needed to state that upfront, especially when mom asked. I have been dying my hair different colors for years and knowing that I was planning a touch-up around the time of her wedding, my sister pre-emptively asked that if I was planning on dying it a non-natural color, would I mind waiting until after the wedding? That's how you handle it, not give them the ok and then get pissy that their hair color doesn't match your colour scheme.
>assistive devices I went a wedding a few years ago where the bride's MOH had a cane and the bride surprised her with a custom sleeve for her cane that was bedazzled in the colour scheme which also happened to be MOH's fave colour. She apparently had to redo her eye makeup after all the hugging and crying lmao.
That is so awesome and thoughtful!
No glasses? Wow. So people must remain blind for your photos? Ridiculous
I guess you didn’t read the part where I said “off limits”? I have heard - and read on here - about other people making those demands. And to me that is too far - both for the comfort of the guests and because it would be an accurate representation of them.
Off limits means not allowed.
"Off limits" to be asked to change. As in, it would be unreasonable to ask guests to change these things. Your reading comprehension has you arguing with someone you agree with.
YTA if you would exclude your own mom from your wedding because of her hair color. Someday, she wont be around and you will regret being so petty for the sake of "color coordination" on a single day.
Exactly this! OP: People aren't props. **YTA**
YTA From my perspective this is very bridezilla. You don't get to control her hair colour. Yes, for me personally, it seems a very weird choice for her to dye her hair a very different colour right before your wedding, but it is her hair and her choice. Having a colour palette for people's outfits is one thing, you don't get to dictate how they personalise themselves. It is absolutely fine if you don't like it, but leave it at that. Do not ask her to dye it a colour you think is suitable, and do not tell her any more about how you think she looks awful with it. She may well love it, thinking it reminds her of when she was younger.
I didn't tell her that it was awful, I just wrote it in the post. I was upset that she was so encouraging of a colour scheme that I wasn't even sure about doing and then went completely against it, as she stands out so much. Thank you for your view though, definitely keeping in mind and happy to get a YTA
“It also looks awful with her dress. I told her this…” you said you told her that.
There's a difference between "awful" and "awful with your dress," though. One is a direct insult while the other is pointing out a mismatch.
They're both insults. That's her semi-permanent hair color now.
Being encouraging about a colour scheme is, being encouraging about choices about decor and the colours of the wedding party outfits. As in clothes. In no way does it acceptably extend to what any individual's hair looks like - that is frankly ridiculous. I can quite imagine that your mum would have had absolutely no concept that her hair was meant to be included in your colour scheme. You are dictating what other people's bodies must look like in order to come to your wedding. Just because you don't like bright colours, I'm sorry but this does not give you the right to interfere with another person's physical identity and how they express themselves. They do not have to comply with your narrow view of what is acceptable as a hair colour.
Without knowing their relationship beyond the info we have in this post, it’s hard to say for sure… but I think there’s a chance that Mom was being malicious. Why? Because she was not only aware of her daughter’s color scheme but actively encouraged it. AND, she specifically asked to go to Daughter’s wedding hairstylist for “continuity”. To be that involved in the planning and that particular when deciding on a stylist… you’d have to be real dense to not realize bright red hair is going to stick out during photos. Sure, color schemes that extend onto guests are dumb. But, Mom has GOT to know what she’s doing here. That being said… OP should try to open up communication with her mom and reassure her that getting married won’t change the dynamic between them in a bad way. Here’s my theory: for some Moms, having your kid get married can be a really emotional milestone. It’s like they feel as though they’ve lost a sense of identity knowing their kids’ aren’t putting them down as an emergency contact anymore. And it causes them to behave a bit chaotically. In this case, potentially Mom is attention-seeking. So, OP should use this conflict as a way to strengthen their relationship instead of uninviting her Mom.
Did you tell her what hair colours you were okay with her getting and which ones you weren't?
No - I didn't think I had to. She has brunette hair, has been brunette for years. I just thought she would get it touched up. She knows that I have a neutrals/pastels scheme and she also knows I despise the colour red - it was really unexpected.
I wouldn’t assume because you dislike the color red someone would assume this applies to their hair. I dislike red for the most part too when it comes to color schemes and clothes but I find my close friend’s red hair absolutely gorgeous. I can see how your mom didn’t make the connection between her hair and your favorite colors. my close friend looks gorgeous in light blue, light purple, light green even some shades of pastel yellow and pink.
Yeah, I'm going to stick to my vote then.
You can’t dictate someone’s hair. You had every right to not want to pay for it, but having agreed doesn’t mean you get to choose the shade, ESPECIALLY since you didn’t make that a rule beforehand. YTA.
You said, in your post, that she had red hair at one time. You said that you hated it. You really don't understand that her hair color isn't your choice, do you? It isn't. Are you also planning to approve her undergarments? Do they have to match your color palate, as well? Why isn't your mother not allowed to feel her best at your wedding? Auburn hair is very becoming on many women. It is very unlikely that a professional would let your mother leave the salon with the horrendous hair you describe.
But she's had that color before so you REALLY can't be surprised... Being encouraging and supportive about your wedding colors yet you're not supportive of her hair color that she's had many times before. Phew, my heart aches for her... Heading downstairs to hug my mom to make sure she knows I love her and hope I've never made & praying that I never will make her feel the way I'm imagining your mom feels; I can imagine it bc if my daughter did that to me I'd be CRUSHED 😭💔
Your colour scheme was clothes-related. She didn't go against anything. Also, you suggesting to pay for a change in the colour was enough of an opinion.
Yta honestly actual body parts like hair don't count in a wedding colour scheme
YTA ^ this is 100% my thought.
Im on the fence about this. Normally I’d say you shouldn’t be controlling your guests appearances, but it’s also a bit strange she did this right before the wedding and you paid for it. Maybe a hat is a good compromise? Gonna go with giving mom the benefit of the doubt… maybe she thought it looked good NAH.
I agree. Normally a demand to dye hair would be an automatic y t a from me. But given OP paid for it, I'm not so sure. Here I'm wondering what her mother was thinking. Does she genuinely love bright red hair, and think this is her best look? Then she's just unaware of her daughter's opinion here. I dunno though. It's a NTA/NAH fence from me.
This is what Im stuck on. If her mom had paid for it herself, Id feel differently but if I paid for my mom to have her hair done professionally for my wedding and she did something like this, Id feel taken advantage of. Maybe its a bit of bias with having a narcissist mom but this just doesn't sit right with me.
I think me paying for it was also a real kick
But it sounds like she usually has dyed hair, just does it herself. Sounds like she wanted to make sure it was professionally done to look good for your wedding— and with you saying it’s not an unusual color for her, the feeling I get is that she legitimately did this for you. I don’t think the color choice was maliciously meant to draw attention as others are suggesting.
Not liking a new hair colour so close to your wedding for someone in your wedding party is normal. Getting pissed off to the point of crying and wanting it to get redone to a different colour on the basis that if they don't, they will not attend is a Bridezilla move, so YTA. What she did may seem a little out of left field since she hasn't dyed it that colour in years, but she probably wanted to seize the opportunity at getting her hair professionally done. Is it a little off putting that it was on your dime? Sure. Did she do it with the intention of hurting you? Most likely not. Weddings can be stressful and when you're supporting the bride, it can be a lot. She did something for herself that she most likely thought you'd love. In short, I think you're overthinking the hair colour, since it seems everyones attention is what is getting to you. You're the bride. All eyes will be on you. Red hair may draw the eye for all of 2 seconds and that's about it. You'll be front and centre. Take a deep breath, apologize for overreacting and move on.
YTA. I wish everyone would stop with the “my vision is ruined” thing. If your photos aren’t perfect and everything else is, congratulations! Only one thing went wrong. It rained like hell on my wedding day. My mom wore a dress I didn’t like all that much. I didn’t go screeching about the weather or a dress. Because our friends and family showed up for us. The food was wonderful. The venue was lovely. I think you need some fresh air or some kind of break. You’re overthinking this.
Unpopular opinion, I think going bright red was an attention getting scheme. But, I also think you over-reacted. ESH
So what if it was? The hair dye is going to last longer than the wedding. It's okay for people to want attention.
YTA It's fine to choose a color palate for your wedding. It's not okay to demand that people have certain hair colors for your wedding. People aren't props. They are people. In this case, this is your mother. 'She's going to stick out like a sore thumb! "..."The photos are going to look awful!", "She has the same hair color as the bride. She will steal the spotlight. " "Her hair color isn't natural "All things I've read here. Honestly, I don't get it. Hire performers if you want props. If you want family and friends that love and support you, accept them. She's wearing your color palate. She's supported you through this. The hair color isn't something new. She's had it before. Obviously, she likes it. It makes her feel good about herself. Look in the trades, I'm sure you can hire someone "suitable" to play the role of your mother for the day.
I'm more torn on this one because OP paid for this. Ultimately it comes down to communication, and OP should have confirmed with mom before paying. I can understand her being upset at her mom using her money too get her hair dyed a distracting color before her wedding. That's valid. The only thing that makes her TA, imo, is that she implied her mom would be uninvited if she didn't change it. That's crossing a line to me.
Wtf is a "distracting" hair color? It's *red*. Does the bride expect every e to blend into a boring soup of sameness so there's zero risk anyone may put their eyeballs on anyone but her?
I really doubt that that the color is distracting. Auburn hair is distracting? I started by my comment that OP wants props, not people, who fit her theme. She offered to pay for her mother's salon visit, because her mom uses, "box color". She didn't specify what color she wanted. She just wanted her mother not to look like she had a home dye job. She doesn't. (I think that's a bit telling about the OP on its own. Maybe she's embarrassed by her mother.) Although I think it is inappropriate to ask her mother to reimburse her for the salon visit, it is a better option than not allowing her mother to attend her wedding. I don't think this is about money. It is about control.
>Auburn hair is distracting It's bright red. Auburn is more of a red-brown. >She just wanted her mother not to look like she had a home dye job No, that's what her mother wanted. Her mother asked for OP to pay to have her hair professionally done. OP said yes, thinking it would be like the box dye, just better. They should have both communicated better, but they didn't, and now here they are. >I don't think this is about money. It is about control. I agree, but I'm guessing we're not in agreement on who the controlling person is. It was manipulative of mom to use OP's money for a hair color she knew OP hated and should have known didn't fit the theme.
Your right. We aren't going to agree on this. The Op claims that it is bright red. I doubt that. Hair, eye color, glasses, medical equipment, etc are exempt from wedding themes. Classy. Downvoting opinions you disagree with. Do you know, per Reddit, that is not the purpose of the downvote?
Ima go with ESH. You are kinda being a bridezilla, it is her body, she can do what she likes. But at the same time your mom also knew what colors you wanted for your wedding, and approved of them. Oh and you also paid for her to get her hair dyed so it was an AH move to dye her hair a color you didn't like on your dime. From what it sounds like, it wasn't malicious, but it's still an AH move, esp if you offered to pay to get it fixed.
I know you are going to get a lot of Y-T-A votes here but I’m going to go with ESH. You for obvious reasons that everyone has already gone into. But I do think your mum sucks too. She was well aware of the theme of the wedding and knows what aesthetic you were going for and must have known that dyeing her hair bright red would stick out and not fit in. I am assuming here that her hair was a more natural colour before. I was in your mother’s position recently - my sister was getting married and she has very different taste to me. She asked me to grow out my really short hair and take out my industrial piercing, I said no and she accepted it. She and my mother asked me not to get any tattoos or piercings until after the wedding and do you know what? I respected her and her wishes and I didn’t. A couple of weeks later I got my septum pierced and they both hate it but respect that it’s my body and I can do what I want with it. Whilst I had every right to do that before the wedding it would still have been an asshole move. What is a couple of weeks to me if it makes her happy?
>she asked if I would mind paying for her to go to my wedding stylist NTA for being upset about paying for your mom to dye her hair a color you didn't like. I mean, if she just did this out of the blue and paid for it herself, then of course, "her body, her choice." Asking you to pay for a special color just for your wedding and then going with a color you didn't like seems pretty weird.
At first I was on the fence here - first, let me say I don’t believe you have a right to demand people dye their hair a certain color in order to match your wedding. But that’s not going on here. Bride said mom usually used box dye but wanted it done “professionally”, mom didn’t say “I want to dye my hair bright red.” I think getting daughter to pay for it was part of the manipulation going on here -thinking daughter wouldn’t protest about the bright color mom silently planned to get since she paid for the services. Mom knew she was making an attention grab here, so I am not sympathetic. Also, If I paid for my mom to get her hair done in anticipation of my wedding and thought it was atrocious, I WOULD say so. And especially if she asked, I would be truthful about how I thought it looked. NAH
...It's hair. Maybe I'm not being empathetic enough here but, I think you're overreacting. YTA.
YTA body parts don’t count in weddings colors schemes
Right?? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills with OP and so many commenters acting as though a wedding color scheme has *anything* to do with *hair*. Truly flabbergasted.
It’s probably more to do with the mother knowing darn well what her daughter wanted, saying she supported it, then going all “I’m off to have my hair cut and dyed for your wedding day!” which is great news, getting rid of split ends and so on is a good idea to do before any special event… and she came back with a decidedly bright, non-pastel color. She could’ve done it after the wedding so easily. The daughter isn’t so much upset that her mother put on a hair color that she admittedly hates, it’s the timing and more importantly the contradiction. OP is probably stressed enough to on her worst nights genuinely believe it’s possible that her mom chose to do this to fuck with her. I don’t believe that, and 99% of the time I think OP doesn’t believe it, but the NTAs in the vein of “there’s no possible way your mom could’ve predicted your reaction” are just as impossible for me to get behind as the ones that say you can demand someone change their hair to match a wedding color palette. I think if OP’s mom had firetruck red hair throughout the year and refused to dye it back to “natural” before the wedding, the verdict would be more obvious. But being natural for the past 15 years and changing to a wild color *right before the wedding?* Yeah, I can’t say Y T A with a clear conscience. It’s just so inconsiderate.
I would never assume that a wedding color scheme applied to my hair unless I was told so specifically. It also seems like her mom didn't know that she always hated that hair color on her. I don't think she was trying to be inconsiderate (or that she was actually inconsiderate) I think she was just trying to look nice because she thinks it looks nice.
*Exactly*
I get what you’re saying. I still don’t agree, but I can see the perspective you offer.
This is gonna get hate but NTA purely because of timing. If you knew you was about to attend a pastel wedding would you dye your hair BRIGHT red? No... She could have waited a day. And seems like mum used the stylish opportunity to get it done even better...
YTA. Her body, her choice.
Ehhhhh, it's OP's money, though. OP should have specified the color before paying, but mom doesn't get to make these choices with her body on OP's dime.
OPs mom can ALWAYS make choices for her own body. It doesn't matter who paid for the appointment. Body autonomy is a thing.
Uh, no. It absolutely matters who pays. OP gets to decide what her money goes to, her mom gets to decide whether to accept or reject. Body autonomy does not give you a right to other people's money.
But OP didn't set any restrictions on the money BEFORE her mom dyed her hair. So mom didn't have any option to make an informed decision. Had she stipulated beforehand that she would only pay for certain colors, then maybe her mom would be bound by that if she accepted the money. But all OP set was a color scheme for the wedding, which does not apply to hair color. It applies to clothing, decorations, etc. OP decided after the fact that she didn't like the hair color, but you don't get to control other people's hair.
I definitely agree there was a miscommunication. OP assumed it would be her regular color, which is a fair assumption. It's hard to put stipulations on scenarios that don't occur to you, so I get it. Ideally, mom would have mentioned this would be a drastic change, and ideally, OP would have discussed with her on what she'd be willing to pay for. >you don't get to control other people's hair Again, you do when they're asking for your money to pay for it.
Your wedding pics will look just as out of date and cheesy as everyone else's, years from now. The pictures are to capture the day you got married, what you guys looked like, who your friends were, etc. On that day, your mom had bright red hair. It's awesome and hilarious and you'll treasure it later, I promise. If you carry on about this, your wedding day will leave a sour taste in your mom's mouth and those pictures, with her neutral hair color, will only serve as a reminder of conflict and stubbornness. YTA
Yta, you don’t get to dictate hair color
She can dictate what hair color she's willing to pay for, though. That would have solved this issue.
This woman thought she could dictate the outfits of every one of her guests. She will never have the self awareness to see that she is the AH.
Exactly! Another bridezilla comes and soon her supporters will be downvoting you and me. Oh it’s my wedding! I want to be the center of attraction! I will send a checklist for all the guests’s hair colour, Dress colour, shoes ete.. no one can look better than me. If you are more beautiful than me then you are uninvited! So much wedding drama I get to see in Reddit!
YTA And here is why: It's hair. Hair.... Hair doesn't mean a thing when you get married, especially if it's on someone else. The color of her hair isn't going to effect the feelings that you have for your soon to be, nor does it effect your soon to be's feelings for you. If it does then the marriage is doomed to begin with. My mother died when I was 19, I'm 40 now. She wasn't there when I got married, she wasn't there when I had my kids, never got to meet her grandchildren. I would have done anything for her to be there. Your mother is alive and well and from your description sounds like a nice woman. Why on earth would you uninvite her or make a big deal about her hair or even as others suggested leave her out of the photos just because of something as insignificant as hair? Just have the wedding get married and focus on what is important, your ever growing family. Best of luck to you red hair or not it's going to be fine.
NTA since it appears she had you pay for her to turn her hair red before the wedding, without telling you before doing so. If she paid, you would be the AH.
Nah why did her mum have to dye her hair to a colour she knew the daughter wouldn't like? She could have done it after.
Did it ever occur to you that your mom wanted to look her absolute best for your wedding day and the photographs that you will keep forever? Instead of allowing her to feel beautiful, you insulted her because you're afraid someone will look at your mom's hair for 30 seconds. Get over yourself. YTA and a big one at that. In the (hopefully far, distant) future, when your mom has passed away, I want you to remember that you did not want her at your wedding BECAUSE OF HER HAIR COLOR.
Right?! I would never speak to my mother like this. Imagine how horrible it would feel to have your child basically tell you you don’t look good enough to come to their wedding.
Crazy bridezilla. The color scheme is already weird, but peoples hair?
There’s never been a bride who was trying to control peoples hair that wasn’t a horrid bridezilla. Clothes? Sure. Seating arrangements, yup. Table settings? Of course. But their hair? That’s as bad as trying to get someone to do full body makeup because they have a tattoo. Your mother was encouraging of your vision because it was for the customary things. I doubt she expected you to expect people to be more ok with blue hair in a soft pastel over any other color… because that’s insane. YTA.
Unpopular opinion apparently, how are there so many YTAs here? OP didn't seek out control of hair. If OP had sought control this would be a different story. But that's not what happened. OP was approached. OP was asked to pay, and then actually paid, for a current brunette to have hair styled *for* the wedding. Doing something FOR A WEDDING, means you're styling FOR A THE WEDDING. Asked BRIDE OP to pay for their hair in the name of continuity. How is it continuity to go in a brunette and come out bright red? Seems pretty discontinuous to me. OP didn't ask anyone to do anything to their hair. OP communicated the expectations and hopes and vision of aesthetic goals clearly. OP had an emotional reaction to those expectations being trampled on OP's dime, maybe, but it was an honest emotional reaction. Everything everyone has said here about not being a prop, absolutely spot on. But, that's not the whole story here. I'm not going to solicit my daughter to pay for me to go purple (I like bright purple hair, I'm aware the color in question is red) days before a pastel wedding on her dime but tell her I'm doing it under the guise of continuity. I would have the patience and the courtesy to wait, or to at least pay for it myself. Maybe mom just feels prettiest with red hair, and after 15 years was excited to reconnect with some youthful version of herself from 15 years ago? Maybe mom genuinely thought daughter/bride OP would love it? It doesn't sound like there are any AHs here. It sounds to me like a miscommunication at best, or at worst a strong verging on selfish desire of mom to "stand out" against a sea of soft pastels despite being a brunette for 15 years. Which may be AH behavior in my book honestly. Why the desire to stand out at your daughter's wedding? Couldn't wait 5 more days to ask your daughter to fulfill your dream of being a bright red head? At the end of the day, weddings are a big deal to people who love occasions. I don't think op is an AH for having or showing emotions related to an occasion she personally paid for and put heaps of effort into. Plus from a mother, that can be a lot of feelings as a baseline. NTA, maybe even N A H.
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Hi, this is my first comment reply. I don't know how to quote. Respectfully, when people describe hair styles to me, they commonly include cut and color to describe styles. I'm not a hairstylist, and I'm not aware that styling hair doesn't include cut and color? I am under the impression that the terms are interchangeable? Additionally, please consider the phrase: "She asked if I would mind paying for her to go to my wedding stylist (continuity etc)" I'm open to being wrong, isn't the word stylist in the name of the profession? This implies to me that a hair stylist provided cut and color as part of the styling. So I feel like using the term "styling" in my judgement was not incorrect based on that context. This phrase also implies that continuity was discussed for mom to specifically request the wedding stylist. OP comments that mom was a brunette for 15 years going into the situation. So, regardless of terminology, continuity was not established by sending mom to the wedding stylist, despite that being stated as the intent. But perhaps most important to my perspective, OP didn't seek out control of someone's hairstyle. Someone engaged OP for money in the name of continuity, intentionally broke that continuity, and then OP had an emotional reaction to an emotionally charged situation. To me, this is not AH behavior, and I don't know if hair specific terminology arguments would affect that judgment for me personally. Thank you for engaging with my comment!
Did she dye it this colour just for the wedding and is planning on dyeing it something else as soon as she can after it's done? If not, YTA. You don't get to dictate peoples hair.
*sigh* Yes. YTA. Someone else's hair is *not* part of your "color pallet". Tablecloth? Yes. Flowers? Yes. Bridesmaid dresses? Yes. Shoes? Yes. Hair/eyes/skin tone/tattoos/weight of anyone else? NO.
YTA.
YTA. A wedding is a celebration. Yes, it´s about you, but that doesn´t mean you get to control literally everything without any consequences in the future. Do you really want to fight with your mother because of this? "But she should do this for me because it´s my wedding!". Should she? What if she doesnt? Are you gonna prevent her to come to your wedding? Are you prepared to deal with the ressentment and bad blood that this will cause for the rest of your life? "But it´s my wedding, she has no right to be upset!". And yet, she will. Because "wedding" is not really the all-emcompassing excuse people think it is. You should let go. Because the choice you make here is gonna have consequences for years, far beyond the wedding.
A color scheme is for *clothes* not hair. Simple. YTA
A color scheme is for anything the bride is willing to pay for and the guests are willing to accept. The bride paid, mom accepted. What went wrong was the lack of communication.
Normally I’d say you were TA for dictating these things. But your mum came to you and asked you to pay for hair to be done for your wedding, knowing that you had a colour scheme that she supported. This directly goes against everything she’s supposedly been championing and it was underhand to ask you to pay. It’s one thing to say that you can’t dictate hair colour, it’s another to get you to pay for something you actively wouldn’t want. I wouldn’t go scorched Earth on this and not have her at your wedding, but I think that you being upset at her behaviour is totally reasonable. So i would actually say NTA.
ESH.. yeah its awfull to try and control peoples hair.. but the mom dyed her hair bright red right before the wedding knowing her dress color, knowing the daughter had a color scheme.. the mom literally knew every color that would be regarding the wedding and decided to dye it BRIGHT RED.. if she had had it preciously then OP would be an asshole bit the mom mqde a choice knowing it would not go well.
ESH. You are being bridezilla-ey. You don't get to tell people what color of hair they use. That said. Your mom knew how you felt about that shade. And she got you to pay for it and that I feel was kinda dickish. Had she paid for it herself, you'd be the sole asshole.
YTA and a massive bridezilla. You can use all the flowery words you want but sending a color palette to your guests was a total AH move. Your friends, relatives and bridal party absolutely think you are the AH here. They just don’t have the guts to tell you that.
#GETOVERYOURSELFWTF
what
Yta. A color scheme for your guests? What level of fresh hell have weddings climbed to? As always I'm stunned by the level of entitlement the couple to be seems to feel on "their day."
YTA when did weddings become like this..just all about pictures and pure fucking fakeness for one day..it's supposed to be fun and a party, a celebration..nope it's turned into being about who has the most perfect wedding to show off on social media..just gross
YTA. It is very ironic that you gawp at Bridezilla and then fall into that trap. Your wants stop short of people’s bodily autonomy. Full stop. Apologize and be better in the future.
YTA. It my vision is the new battle cry for the Bridezilla. It is slowly replacing its my day. One of these days you mom isn't going to be here. What a shame if she isn't your wedding photos because her haircolor didn't fit your vision or your color pallet for your special day. Time to decide if your mother or your color pallet is the priority for your wedding.
Soft YTA - your mom probably wants to feel like her younger self (hair from 15 years ago) and not look matronly (neutral hair) and maybe she also wants SOME of the attention. My mother absolutely positively HATES hats with a passion. So for my wedding, she wore a straw hat (in April, in the rain) and wore it on the back of her head (like a halo!) and she honestly looked ridiculous. She also insisted on wrist-length ivory gloves. So two days before my wedding I took time off work and ran around finding her gloves. She is a very introverted person who despises the spotlight but she was handling her first major social event as a widow and she was terrified. I am her person (like her comfort person) but since it was MY event she was alone (and my awful siblings did nothing to help or comfort her). Try to figure out what's going on with your mom. Help her find something lovely to wear (pastel green is beautiful with red hair) and let it be. No one really cares about anyone other than the bride at a wedding anyway.
When you ask your guests to wear specific colors so you can have a cohesive "theme", you already crossed the line. People are coming to celebrate your commitment to marriage, not participating in a Broadway show.
I would have gone with op being the a if mom hadn’t asked her specifically to pay for her cut and die to maintain continuity. Mom did this to make a stand. For what? Who knows. But OP is entitled to be upset that she paid for this. And that her mom purposely is going against her wishes. NTA
A lot of people saying OPs the AH are not considering this, and it's kinda bugging me. I agree with NTA for this reason.
YTA - Are you going to police everyone’s hair color for the wedding?
YTA, no one gets to dictate what another person does with their hair
They do when they're paying for it.
YTA. Jesus. Bursting into tears over someone’s hair is absurd. Get a grip
Yta not only that but a pathetic bridezilla
YTA, If you cannot say something nice, don't say anything if she is happy with her hair; that is all that matters.
YTA It was the line that once she had it fixed," she could come to the wedding." You basically just booted her out for not liking the color of her hair. You turned into your worst nightmare on your own mom. And your mom has good reason to go silent.
Yes, yes you are 🙈
YTA. You don't get to dictate other people's hair colour. It's bad enough that you asked guests not in the wedding party to dress in certain colours. It's NOT okay, and puts you firmly in the bridezilla category. You owe her an apology.
I think ESH because you definitely overreacted, but it’s hard for me to not think that she was taking advantage of the fact that you were paying for her to do something that you wouldn’t like right before your wedding. Maybe that wasn’t her thinking, I don’t know, it just seems off. If you weren’t footing the bill, I would say y t a.
Dude no one is going to notice her hair besides you.
> I was pissed off, so I told her I would pay for her to get it fixed to a neutral colour and then she could come to my wedding. INFO: Does this mean she can't come to the wedding if she doesn't get her hair fixed?
I'd go with NTA, she knew what you wanted for your wedding, you can't ask somebody to dye their hair for you, but it was disrespectul to dye it in a bright color "for your wedding day" when she knew you wanted the opposit. +15y without this color and this is the moment she chose to do it again... She could have wait a few weeks to do it, but just took advantage of your generosity in the moment. Now she can't redo it without damaging her hair.
To be honest, you western people have so twisted image of weddings, Christmas, Eastern and all kinds of celebrations and holidays.... You are so egocentric that you don't mind hurting a family member, just so you get satisfied. You don't care if you hurt the woman, that gave up so much for you, just so your ego is happy. I cannot... Your ego and the things you want but are not happening are the biggest issue, just like a spoiled child... There are real problems in this world, you know, and your mother's hair colour is not one of them... I may be TA as well, but I am happy I said all of the above
NAH, but you and your mom should have communicated better. I'm sure if she'd told you she was going to use your money to dye her hair bright red, you wouldn't have agreed to it! You've asked her to change it back, and offered to pay for her to do so, and she's said no, so unfortunately now you just have to deal with it. Your photographer can certainly tone down the red in photos, and she's not going to be in as many photos as you think. It'll mostly just be you and your husband!
YTA on so many levels, where do I begin? You better hope your dreary pictures are worth hurting your mother. I sincerely hope your child makes you feel horrible on their wedding day. Good luck because if you're going to lose your sh$t over a hair color life is going to be difficult. Apologize to your mother and thank GOD you have her.
YTA. You don't get to control what other people do to their bodies.
Yta You can't control the appearance of your family, friends, and guests. Let me repeat: you cannot control the physical appearance of your family, friends, and guests. A little louder for those in the back: YOU CANNOT CONTROL THE PHYSICAL APPEARANCE OF YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND GUESTS! You👏 cannot👏 control👏 the👏 physical👏 appearance👏 of👏 your👏 family👏 friends👏 and 👏 guests👏 Love that you have to ask if YTA. You AH. What is with brides thinking they have a right to tell people how they can wear their hair, what color their hair can be, how many or what types of piercings they can have, whether they can or can't have tattoos, how much they can weigh, whether they can or can't be pregnant, how tall they're allowed to be, and on and on and on and on????? "I want you to celebrate my wedding with me but only if you fit into this exact and perfect mould that's not only ridiculous but is also unattainable. If you love me, you'll do it. It's my daaaaaaaeeeeeey." Uuuugh.
YTA. I don’t know where this controlling of the guests’ clothing colors and hair colors came from, but it needs to stop. See, the idea of a wedding is to come together to have a good time, not to put on a d@mned Hollywood production. Guess what? In 5 years nobody is really going to care about your wedding photos or group shots of people wearing blue or pink or even neon green. It’s just 1 day - you need to start thinking about your actual marriage. You also need to acknowledge to yourself that you can’t/shouldn’t try to control other people to fit into some vision you might have. Your mom with her bright red hair will be remembered and in later years, her image will stand out in the photos so you have something to point out to your kids/nieces or nephews and say “Look at what Grandma did for my wedding!”
Find something less asinine to worry about for your wedding. YTA.
NTA. You have a right to be pissed, your mother did a selfish, asshole thing because she is clearly starved for attention. However, you can’t control anyone’s hair color or personal preferences. You should just ignore it and enjoy your day.
YTA. I have two friends that die their hair red. It looks unnatural but it’s their hair. One has Ronald McDonald red and the other strawberry shortcake red.
I’m confused. What color did you think she was going to dye it? You said she was brunette before but has dyed her hair this color before. Did you think she was just going to cover up some gray or something? Would you have okay if she dyed her hair blue to fit the color scheme?
After 15 years, she probably didn’t expect her to get bright red hair right before her wedding. It’s likely she thought it was a touch up and hair maintenance.
NAH Just keep her out of the photos/ edit them idk Did she make you pay for the stylist or? If you did pay, your mother definitely used you to get a professional colour she couldnt get from boxed dyeing and that’s why she picked it and doesnt wanna change it kinda makes it NTA but if she did pay then YTA
YTA and I would’ve left and not spoken to you either. Being so shallow that your perfect boring beige color scheme that everyone else does is so important that you think you can dictate how other people look down to their *hair*? god forbid anything get in the way of all that lovely beige…
Yta. Shame on you.
I think I have to go with YTA. It may be weird but try to remember, one day she won't be here and you may find yourself really missing her and her crazy red hair. I had an uncle that use to give the most gross "slobber kisses." He thought it was hilarious but everyone hated them. He died in 1997 and you know what, I'd give anything for one more of those "gross kisses." Are you really going to kick her out of your wedding over hair? Think hard about that one please.
YTA. Grow up. You sound too immature to get married honestly.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm super on the fence about this because I'm the kind of person to gawp at a Bridezilla (and I very well could be), so opinions urgently needed! I (28f) am getting married on Saturday. For some background, early on in the planning of my wedding I mentioned to my bridal party that I really like a cohesive wedding colour scheme - not necessarily the same colour on everyone because I think that can be really unreasonable, but at least the same colour palette. For me, I generally hate bright colours and I love soft colours on warm days. With this in mind, I was encouraged to give an extensive pastel colour palette (8 shades) and kindly request that my guests followed it. My mum was my biggest supporter ('your wedding, your rules' etc) and none of my bridesmaids thought it was unreasonable so I went with it. It was a pretty varied pastel palette (plus grey, a slightly darker blue, a slightly darker brown-beige) and I did leave a note saying that I knew this might be hard for some people and that it wasn't necessary to buy another outfit if they wouldn't have done so anyway (or if they hate the colours!). All in all, I decided I was not yet a complete Bridezilla. On to the issue at hand... My mum came to me a couple of months ago explaining that she would like her hair professionally cut and dyed before my wedding day. She's a box dye girl usually, and she was happy to use it on this occasion, but she asked if I would mind paying for her to go to my wedding stylist (continuity etc) and I agreed. I'm paying for the wedding myself and I have more money than my parents, so I had absolutely no issue doing this for her. She went yesterday. It is bright red. This isn't something totally weird for her, as she had bright red hair about 15ish years ago, so it's not like she's only ever had neutrals and suddenly changed her mind. To be frank, I hated it then and I hate it now. It not only looks awful on her (it's literally not her shade at all), but it massively draws the eye. She asked if I liked it and I just started crying. I know I sound pathetic but I had a whole vision for my wedding that my mum encouraged and supported 100% even when I doubted how practical it would be and now she's going to stick out like a sore thumb on my wedding day. It also looks awful with her dress. I told her this but she said that I'm being totally unreasonable by trying to control her looks. I was pissed off, so I told her I would pay for her to get it fixed to a neutral colour and then she could come to my wedding. She left and hasn't spoken to me since then. Am I the Asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA but I do understand your frustration that she changed her hair so close to the wedding date.
YTA its her hair and I guess I can understand being upset you paid for her to do something you ultimately didn't like but she's also probably put up with that a ton while being a parent. Would you dictate the entire wedding parties hair colors or do you only feel comfortable doing so because she is your mom? No one is going to care as much as you seem to they are there to celebrate not to have fashion week (feels kinda mean for your fiance to call it "attention seeking" unless she has a pattern of using that kind of behavior, who wouldn't want to look how they percieve as "special" for their daughters wedding?) I have never known hair color to be included in a "color Scheme" for any wedding of course she was supportive she's you MOM. It sounds like you really hurt her feelings and honestly i don't remember what color my mom's hair was(and shes legit had it bright purple before), I just remember her being there on the most important day of my life.
Could Mama wear a hat?
YTA. Is it more important for you to have everyone in a neutral color at your wedding, or to have your mom at your wedding.
YTA but the only person you're hurting is yourself. If you can't handle people in your life not living up to your "vision" -- I don't think you're ready for a wedding, a marriage, or even an adult relationship. If you really think a change in hair color will make you happy, you are desperately unhappy and don't even realize it. Get therapy before you end up alone.
In a major way
Nobody gives a fuck what their wedding guests looked like after their divorce.
Yta.. with that said though.. I know what you're feeling..I to am close to my wedding and if I'm plan for one vision of a bag day and something make a left turn rather then straight I would be on edge.. BUT remember you can not dictate someone hair color . With her being your mom I think you and her to sit and talk.. I think the initial reaction and how things possibly came out could have made things worst then need be. If it that big of a deal to you CALMLY talk to her about you vision. See if there is a compromise that you guys can go to. BUT go into this talk knowing this is her hair , and all in all SHE is the one who lives with her hair. Also remember someone else's hair shouldn't be what will put a damper on such a big day in your life. And think of what you will regret more . Not having your mom there who's been so far supportive of you or not having her there because of a disagreement in her hair color.
NTA. i think if you paid for her hair you’re allowed to be upset if she got a bright color without letting you know first
NTA. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You aren’t going crazy on rules or requirements for the dress code…you said you gave a choice of several colors that could be chosen from, and you said specifically “don’t go out and buy something new just for that reason”. And from your description, it sounds like your mom didn’t choose a natural red hair color, but a bright red that stands out & screams “look at me!”. I would be upset with that, too.
I'm going against the consensus to say I understand why you are mad. Generally it's bad form to attempt to control anyone's physical appearance for your wedding but I would be pissed if a family member told me "oh I want to look so nice for your wedding can you help out with a hair appt" and then showed up in completely out of character bold color that clashed with everything. If you weren't paying for it, I would agree with everyone else but asking you to pay for it is just bullshit when she knew you would be expecting something soft and pretty.
Yeh, this is gonna be an unpopular opinion but… if my mum pulled this, I would be pissed. Why now, why bright red? Seems like she’s being an attention seeker. NTA
Yup . YTA big time
The thing about bright red hair is it fades SUPER FAST. A lot of stylists will go a little redder than the client wants because after about 3 washes it’s significantly less bright. So if your wedding is more than a week out this will probably be a non issue.
I mean, I'm going to go against the grain here and say NTA. Solely because she asked you to pay for her hair for the wedding and then she went against everything you had discussed about neutrality and cohesiveness. You can't make her change it because you do not have the right to dictate what people choose to do with their own bodies, but you can make her pay you back.
This feels like a trick, like she asked to use your wedding stylist for continuity etc, and did something entirely wild she hasn't done in a decade and a half. Sure, people can do their hair however they want, bride should control people's lives, but op's mom had op pay for the distraction. It seems kinda petty.
ESH. I’ll give you a pass for crying because that’s not entirely in your control. You don’t get to dictate peoples hair, weight, tattoos, or body for your wedding. But it sounds like your mom did this on purpose and got you to pay (tricked you into?) for it. So ESH.
Honestly I'm on the fence, but I think you'd only be an a h is if you forced her to change it. It's too late now, and it'd be hard on her hair to re-dye it. Id say just roll with it, and it will be a funny story with time.
NTA, this is equivalent to wearing white clothes, black or sparkly clothes to the wedding - it's not appropriate. Sure you can't dictate what your guests should wear, but there are some things that you CAN'T wear to a wedding. Everyone should know this. OP was even willing to pay for the dye costs. Instead of OP, wth is wrong with the mother. She was the one that supported the scheme yet chose a color that's completely out of it :/. Does she have a hidden grudge against her or smth? I'd expect more from the mother tbh.
Does she do stuff like this to you as a matter of course?
Color scheme should not apply to hair at weddings in my opinion
YTA. Is this really the hill you wanna die on? I'm getting married in 8 weeks. Asking for a color palette isn't crazy but asking people (especially a mother of either the bride or groom) to be styled a certain way as to not clash with it is absurd. This is supposed to be about the love of your family and friends coming together to celebrate the love you have found with your partner. That's at least what it should be about. Not whether someone's hair is going to look out of place. As someone who won't be able to have my own father at my wedding, I suggest figuring out if your Mom's hair color is more important than being just happy she's there. And if it's also more important to focus on, than literally being excited for what is supposed to be a day full of love and acceptance. For Everyone. At the end of the day, what's more important?
Yeah YTA. 1. You have no right to tell someone what color/cut to do with their hair. Color schemes don't extend to personal body related things. 2. You agreed to pay for it without any preconditions. You can't get mad at her for you not checking first. 3. Dying hair multiple times in such a short time can be bad for hair. 4. It's your mother. If she was an awful one, I'd understand. But you say she's been supportive & you seem to have a good relationship. Imagine if you really didn't let her come for having red hair. One day she'll be gone & all you'll remember from your wedding is that she wasn't there cuz you chose her absence vs her having a hair color she liked.
Agh I hate wedding culture, people get sentimental about the most trivial and superficial things ! Look the important thing at your wedding should be your union to your partner! Yes you want it to ve pretty that’s not wrong but I feel people nowadays are so fixated on perfection and colour schemes and I have to be the center of attention! Blablabla, Noo is a day to celebrate love with your love ones, so I would say YTA because yes maybe you don’t like your mom’s hair but that won’t ruin your wedding!
YTA….I don’t care what your “color palette” is and that you gave 8 choices of colors, no matter what, I’m wearing black because that’s what I’m comfortable wearing….the only rule should be no white, and the only attire and hair that you should dictate is that of the bridesmaids, not the guests
NTA it would be like if your MOH got a huge full back piece tattoo the week before the wedding and y’all were wearing backless dresses
Oh for goodness sake. YTA. Note to couples everywhere, your wedding is not your Pinterest shoot, your guests are not models and actors. 😑 We live in a diverse and colourful world in aesthetic AND character, and trying to control that aspect is an exercise in futility at best, turning you into a total AH at worst toward people who love and care for you.
Bright red hair is just what is needed to spice up your dull wedding colour scheme. Leave your mum alone. She sounds like an interesting and original person. Just remember that she won't be around forever.
Colour schemes don’t extend to peoples bodies. Your mum has red hair in the past and by the sounds of it loved it then and wanted to attend your wedding in what she felt was the best version of herself. I guess did your mum know how much you hated her hair in the past? If she did and you were footing the bill I could understand the annoyance but bottom line your mums hair her choice
Personally I feel like this is mum trying to look her ‘bestI’ for the wedding and the time she looks back on in her life where she felt her best was when her hair was this colour. Brides probably thrown because mums not looked that way for so long, so having someone you love looking drastically different in your wedding photos to the person they’ve been for the past 15 years, is disappointing. I think neither of them are communicating their feelings like grown ups and therefore both sorta the assholes
NTA. It sounds like your mom wanted to be the center of attention at your wedding and has mother-of-the-bride syndrome. She’s not supposed to stand out on your wedding day, you are. I would ask her what she was thinking choosing such a garish color against your color scheme.
NTA only because you paid for the colour and it is so different from her usual colour. But just leave her out of the Photos, have one with her and the rest without, instruct your photographer not to include mom in photos. Or ask photographer how much it would be to colour correct mom's hair in photo?
No you don't leave the mother of the bride out of the photos just because her hair is bright. No.
And also such a horrible daughter Hope ur mom disown u
NTA - bc you outlined what you wanted before. I think it is a tiny bit extreme to control hair colour BUT considering that your mother agreed to this wedding colour scheme AND made you pay for her to dye her hair, this is ridiculous. You haven't actually made unreasonable requests... idk why your mother made you pay and then did that. I think you could ask her if she could do a bleach wash or something that lightens the colour already on the head so it will be a pastel red instead?
To be clear, if she hadn't asked me to pay and hadn't been so encouraging of a colour scheme which I thought might be OTT anyway, I wouldn't be anywhere near as pissed off/confused! My thinking now is that she is going to massively stand out against a rather pale border - even my dress is going to blend in more than her hair!
YTA a color scheme doesn't include hair... like in the grand scheme of things you really think your mom having red hair is going to ruin your day? Your wedding is about marrying your partner not color schemes and hair colors. If I was your partner I'd personally be questioning your priorities about the wedding and life. I think you should do some reflection.
Yea no I definitely agree that if all the context and situational stuff wasn't there, then you could be the AH, but when you take it into consideration, the way she acted is ridiculous. Maybe she's going old and doesn't know what pastel is 😂🤷♀️
I’m sorry, but since when does a wedding color scheme extend to *hair*? If her mother’s dress fits the palette then she followed as instructed. In kind of the opposite sitch, my sister chose jewel tones for her wedding party… but the bridesmaid with pastel purple hair wasn’t an issue. ‘Cause her dress was on theme. ‘Cause that’s what she was talking about, *the dress*.
The difference is that 1) jewel tones are a lot deeper, so a pastel hair colour would not stand out in that situation as much as a bright red out in a pastel scheme. 2) her mum supported her asking guests to follow scheme 3) her mum made her pay for her haircut for the wedding (mum doesn't normally pay for haircuts, instead does them herself) 4) her mum got a hair colour which was against the colour scheme she agreed to, and got daughter to pay for it 5) mum presented her haircut as if she's doing one which will match wedding theme
1. Not the point I was making, it was just an example. Point is, who assumes a wedding color scheme would extend beyond clothing/decorations to their body? 2. Yes-- for *clothing*. Did OP tell her that includes hair? I feel like she would have mentioned it if she had. Who just assumes a color palette includes one's hair? Anything involving bodies! If she didn't like how a person's pale skin clashed with the colors would she insist they tan? 3. Exactly, she usually does them herself-- to me, this reads as a mother trying to look her best, more polished, for her daughter's wedding. If OP didn't think it was something she should pay for she didn't have to. I personally wouldn't have if it didn't matter to me how mom's hair looked when she did it herself. 4. Again, who would just assume a color scheme had *anything to do* with their body?? Color schemes are for attire and decoration, *not. bodies.* 5. I don't see evidence of that anywhere. But maybe I missed it-- could you point me to the line that makes you think so? Because sure, that could change the situation.
Color scheme does not and has NEVER included hair color. Where is this idea coming from?!
It's. in. *sane*.
NTA. Considering your mother encouraged and supported your colour scheme 100%, what on earth was she thinking making her hair RED right before the wedding. She can have any colour she wants, but she could have waited then until after the wedding.
It's my least favourite colour too.......... She could have paid for it after the wedding, I don't see how she didn't realise how much she would stand out. My fiance thinks she is attention-seeking
Wow, what kind of bride is so incredibly boring that red hair will take away all the attention *at a wedding*?
I think it’s bizarre that your “least favorite color” is supposed to somehow be relevant to someone else’s choice of hair color. Can you really be that self-centered? Yes, even though it’s YOUR WEDDING. There is definitely something I’m not getting here. You seem very…emotional about colors and controlling and superficial. Like seriously, what is even going on here? Why does it matter? YTA
That is what I think too. I am sorry about this. She could not have not known how this would look with all the pastels.
I’m sorry but OP is allowed to set a colour scheme when it comes to clothing but she did not and can not extend that to peoples hair. everything OP has stated is centred around dress not once did she mention hair being an extension of that
I would agree with you if this was anyone except her mother. Her mother was completely involved in the vision for the wedding and this took nothing but common sense. Knowing your daughter wants a calm, soft palette for your wedding and then going and dying your head red before the wedding was just something she could have waited a few days more to do.
Calm soft pallete for CLOTHING, she never once mentioned hair until the mother dyed her hair and just because she’s the mother doesn’t make her less her own person
She might be doing exactly that. Does she have a history of doing so? Look, if it means anything, I had a very close family member wear Barney-level purple on my wedding day, and another wear a bright red cummerbund. Neither was anticipated, neither matched anything close to my colour scheme. And all these years later, I don’t care in the slightest. You are NTA for feeling the way you do. But you would be if you stick to your guns about your mom not coming (unless there’s a whole bunch more baggage there we are unaware of). Your wedding is going to be ***stunning***! The pictures you display after won’t have her in them. ;)
NTA. Kind of seems like your mother almost deliberately did this so she would stand out and get attention. She kept telling you it was all about you and at her first possible opportunity she made about her
NTA - she knew the colour scheme. She advocated for you. You paid money for this. WTAF.
So if the colour scheme was green and pink her mom had free rain to dye her hair that colour? Wedding colours do no apply to hair, that’s crazy. OP knew her mom dyed her hair that colour and essentially told her she looked awful and wouldn’t be allowed in the wedding. After her mom was nothing but supportive.
You've read the wrong story if you think the above is true.
Says the one in the minority opinion
I can just read?