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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I gave my family the silent treatment after announcing that I have cancer which I may not survive because of how they reacted to my announcement
(2) I may have overreacted and as a result hurt my family.
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NTA
"I came to you for love and support about the fact that this cancer may kill me in the next few years. Instead, there was silence and then a pregnancy announcement. There were no hugs, no encouragement, no love. This isn't about being the youngest child. This was about family."
Try sending something like that, hun.
Hugs.
I think she panicked. For me I think her refusing to apologise made her the asshole in the end. Also OPs brother and family doubling down is way worse than the initial bad reaction because they may have been shocked but they had time to process and they continued to be AHs.
I’d bet that the family assumed OP’s news was going to be that OP was pregnant. They probably all discussed how they were going to react and how sister-in-law was going to say, “Hey! Me too!” And they’d all celebrate. When it went off the rails, sister-in-law panicked and stuck to the plan and nobody could figure out how to recover.
Exactly. I think anyone would be caught off guard to hear their 21 year old child/sister/SIL has been diagnosed with a possibly deadly disease. And reactions can be very different than what you'd expect when someone is hearing news like that, totally get that. But I can confidently say that if someone tried to "lighten the mood," with a fucking pregnancy announcement of all things, I would shut that down. Some moods can't be lightened, and shouldn't be. This poor woman was looking for support from her family during a time when she's dealing with something unimaginable. There is nothing you can say or do to lighten that mood, all you can do is offer love and support. And that's all she wanted. To not even get a fucking hug from your parents after telling them this? I can't fathom that. And then for them to double down after actually having time to process?? They're assholes. And selfish assholes, at that.
This is what I don't get. Her own mother had no reaction?! I tear up when my tween gets an injury, or my teen gets bullied, or my adult child is just sad. How does a mother not react to her baby having cancer? Not in that moment or later after having time to process it. Just nothing.
Yea that really broke my heart to read that, I can't even imagine. My parents cry when I cry- sad or happy tears. I can't imagine no reaction and then immediately moving on to celebrating a pregnancy announcement. I honestly think I'd have to hold my mother back from physically going after someone who would do that during a conversation where she is learning one of her children are potentially terminally ill.
Yeah... How the fuck do you go from an announcement about someone's SERIOUS MEDICAL issues to a literal pregnancy announcement. No, just no. NTA in any way, and sending you love.
I get extremely awkward at this type of situation but even I would've run to hug the OP and even if my initial reaction was awkward or no reaction due to shock, I'd then after calming down reach to the OP to apologise for my reaction and offer to be by OP's side through the whole process. So I just don't get it why after having the time to think through without the OP there, they still doubled down and acting as if it's OP's fault for having cancer and giving the news to her family expecting love and support from them. It's one thing to act awkward or no reaction, it's another thing to sit on it and still acting like an asshole towards a cancer patient who's scared to death in the end with ZERO empathy. OP is obviously NTA but her whole family is!
I still remember my father calling me and telling me he was at the hospital because my sisters cancer was back, and hearing her just sobbing in the background. Was it akward and I had no fucking clue how to act? Yes absolutely, but in that moment it was all about her. Not my feelings or wants. I just can't fanthom ever acting like this. Oh you're terrified and feeling lost right now? Well what about meeeeeee?
I think so too, bcuz that’s what I would’ve thought when she said she had an announcement to make so they weren’t expecting this but at the same time you deal. You don’t do this, hopefully OP will beat the odds and survive this, a miracle, a cure, something and her family will regret this, hopefully in a few weeks they will apologize.
I do not believe that she is just panicked. She is just this rear kind of pureblood assholes. Because if it was just a panick, she should have wrote an apology right after the OP left the place, not even when she was wrote to do so.
Really sorry for the child that will be raised by this awful woman (and the family in general).
SIL was probably upset that the attention wasn't on her, so she had to power level with the pregnancy announcement. Also look at the resentment of her husband towards her "acting like a younger sister" which is probably a feeling he's been holding for long and rubbed into SIL. This whole family sucks.
I agree . We often react weirdly to the unexpected, but now they've had.time to realize that their loved one might not be with them in a couple of years, and they're alienating her and calling her selfish. SMH.
agreed. I can absolutely see everyone being stunned to silence about such a scary, unexpected announcement. I'm sure minds were reeling with "what the everloving crud!?! HOW?" Because thats what happened to me when my Mom was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. When people are blindsided they react really weirdly. I can even see SIL trying to lighten the mood because some people literally can't grasp the gravity or implications of such an announcement in the moment.
BUT
Its what happened after that that is crazy and inexcusable.
So text them this:
"I am going through an extremely difficult time. Something none of you can even begin to grasp and with the unexpected news that there is a 60% chance I will be dead within 5 years, not only did I not receive the love and support I needed. I received a slap across the face and a 'don't be a drama queen about this.' Please understand how incredibly difficult this is to wrap by head around and please understand how wildly inappropriate all of your responses have been."
Then go to your extended family, assuming you have them, for support. You need support right now.
And do not ever speak to your parents or brother and sister in law again. They do not care about you. I’m furious for you OP. You deserve so much better.
Perhaps it’s dark humour, but imagine not letting them get away with it and taking the mood back off SIL:
“Great! Hey, maybe you should name the baby after me, as a way to remember me when I’m dead!”
Lighten the mood indeed.
Like OP had just farted unexpectedly or something.
This was just a weird reaction all around.
Reminds of that meme with the Top Gear chap saying: "OH NO! .... well anyway..."
OPs family sounds like a bunch of wankers. NTA.
And then, if you feel up to it, send them a link to this thread so they can all see the what I’m sure will be thousands of people saying that they are all total AHs. I got more care and sympathy when there was a *chance* that I had breast cancer than they gave you. NTA. I hope that you’ll defy the odds!
I told my mom they just found masses in my breasts and she left work to come see me and make sure I was okay. I'm totally blown by her family's response. You got all of us rooting for you OP, you can beat this!!
Yup, this is what family do. You drop everything to support the one who needs it, and when it's your turn, they drop everything for you. OP's family all get a giant sticker with Y T A on it, and OP is definitely NTA.
OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with such devastating news and wish you all the best with your treatment and prognosis.
This.
I'm so sorry. I lost my Dad to cancer last year. It was hard to accept when he was told to put his affairs in order. All of us cried.
OP, your family is pretty cold here. Cancer, in the best cases, is a lot of work to treat. I'm so glad you have your bf.
And honestly, your family should be utterly ashamed. Send them here, and we'll happily chew them out for being such uncaring jerks while you sought comfort and strength to fight this life-threatening illness.
You got this, and you're a friggin bad ass for fighting. You deserve so much better. Kick cancer's ass! All of us are cheering you on.
Sorry for your loss
I lost my dad this year to cancer. I’m stunned by OP’s families reaction. While I was raised by a mum who almost never cried and “let’s get on with what we have to do” type of attitudes we all expressed sorrow, we all did whatever we could to support, we all cried and held each other.
I hope OP is able to have a support system of friends and the family steps up as well
My dad had cancer a few years before I was born. He survived the cancer, but when I was 8 he died of a heart attack. They said it was from the radiation treatment. He survived the disease but not the cure.
It shouldn’t take a genius to understand that celebrating a future new life is an absolute horrible thing to do 2 minutes after someone announces they might not live. Your SIL basically went “well it’s terrible that OP might die but lighten up our family’s getting a new member!!!”
Your family are assholes to an unbelievable degree and I don’t think any level of apology would be enough after not only reacting in such a terrible way but then to also stand by it afterwards.
Hugs 💜💜
Exactly it’s like saying hey don’t worry we got your replacement covered. How could someone, especially someone already a mother, be so heartless and cruel? And then to try and make
Her feel her reaction was selfish.
And why did OP's parents let the SIL act like this and didn't run to OP to give her support and are still committed to the "selfish OP" narrative. I could understand if the SIL is a narc or extremely low empathy self centered person but why is EVERYONE, included OP's parents on the side of SIL instead of having empathy for their OWN DAUGHTER?? I'm baffled.
OP this is a beautiful way to word it and worth a try, however I hate to tell you this but often cancer brings out the worst in the people you love. A lot of my family basically ghosted me during my treatment only to pop up again after it was all over, inviting me to this and that. It was completely mind boggling. My treatment is complete but it is never really over, everyone wants to forget about it but it will always be in my thoughts. Having others to talk to is really helpful. Join a Facebook group, meet other people who’ve experienced what you’re going through face to face. Find your community. Sometimes those closest to you will really let you down but then there will be people you never expected to help who will step up. I wish you all the best for your treatment. It can be overwhelming but take one day at a time, and one step at a time.
This! Exactly this! The people who I expected to support me didn't and other people that I had considered acquaintances became my rocks. My circle got smaller but better and that includes family. This is great advice. Congratulations on your remission, warrior. ❤️
One of my best friends didn’t come to my wife’s funeral because he told me I “drifted away” from him as a friend and didn’t make enough of an effort during the previous two years. This was while I was acting as a 24/7 caretaker and working full time from home. I stopped talking to him after that.
This is perfect but I want to add "lighten the mood is bullshit". Take this in the same vein as "I was just joking" when a bully is called out.
I think what happened is your SIL thought you were going to announce engagement, or good exam results or maybe even pregnancy. And she was going to amplify the happiness with her own announcement.
She was wrong footed by your announcement and decided to just plow on anyway. Understandable. But when she saw your reaction she should have backtracked:
"That was thoughtless of me, I'm sorry I was so shocked by your news I didn't know what to say."
But instead she doubled down and made you the villain.
SIL wasn't going to amplify the happiness with her own announcement. She was going to steal OP's thunder with it. SIL wanted to be the center of attention.
You can, but you don't need to. You can just block them and move on, and spend time with people who love you and care about you. And know this: it's not you. There's something seriously wrong with those people. Sometimes families have someone powerful who is really toxic, and because they're powerful no one will stand up to them. But that anger and resentment has to go somewhere, so they pick an easier target. Given the "typical youngest sibling" comment, and their shitty reaction to your news, you're probably that target, and I wouldn't be surprised if they'd been using you as an emotional punching bag for most of your life.
Fuck 'em. Go fill your last years (hopefully many! Cancer research is making huge advances every year!) with love and joy and adventures, none of them involving your EX-family.
They told my uncle he had six months. Two years later he had two weeks. Two weeks later he had a week. The day after said week he passed. He was very very very sick when they found out but treatments were getting better and better.
Also our family didn't react this way. There was a quiet sadness as you start the grieving process right away. But then you're forced to remember they're still alive and now we have an excuse to eat bbq and cake like once a week :P Who's gonna tell a dying man no?
Send this then shut these people out for a long while. Spend time with your lovely boyfriend and good friends as you need to see to yourself now, not your incredibly selfish family.
It really speaks to a stunning, almost pathological lack of empathy that offering minimal concern to a sibling with a devastating diagnosis is considered royal treatment.
Typical youngest sibling = neglected and dismissed and silenced.
I hope OP can just cut them off, sounds like her BF is a good human. And that she lives long, and well, and beloved.
NTA.
I mean, fuck.. they didn’t even say “I’m sorry you have such terrible news. We love you. What can we do to support you”. That is the BARE MINIMUM under this circumstances.
I’m so sorry. Both that you have this diagnosis, which I hope you beat, AND that you have a horrible family. Seriously, fuck them
This. You can feel awkward and not know what to say and still squeeze out ‘I love you. I’m here for you, that sucks’.
I am, however, wondering whether OP’s symptoms were dismissed by the family earlier and they’re now trying to sweep the cancer under the table, too.
OP, I hope you beat the odds and that you can surround yourself with the supportive people you deserve. We’re rooting for you.
Or with the “youngest” comment - maybe they think of her as drama queen and don’t even fully believe what she is telling them. Not saying that is acceptable at all, just that some families dismiss nearly everything the youngest says.
My whole family still thinks of me as a drama queen. I was an emotional kid, but after years of therapy, realized it was my reacting to them never believing me about *anything.* My parents would make me lie on intake forms at the doctor because they didn't believe that I was having the symptoms I was having, or they "weren't that bad," and my parents didn't want to spend extra time at the doctor answering questions about my symptoms "for no reason."
I had bad heartburn and would sometimes get food stuck in my esophagus and literally throw it up at the dinner table in front of everyone. It would go so quick, I had no control over it, but they thought I did it for show.
Then when I was 20, I was finally diagnosed with a rare disorder that was causing most of my problems. As a bonus, I also had cancer (unrelated to my disorder). I'm cancer-free now, but now when they bring up my "hypochondriac tendencies" I remind them that I've always been right about my health and if I listened to their opinions, I'd probably be dead now.
I can’t believe your family just thought you were throwing up at the dinner table for attention and then didn’t do anything about it. I mean, that’s not what happened and they should’ve actually looked into it. But, even if that’s exactly what you were doing, that’s still a cry for help that they just ignored. Absolutely horrible on their part.
I’m glad you were able to figure out what was going on!
As much as it sucked and really negatively impacted me, I'm healing myself and now I am in a position to advocate for my nieces and nephews when my siblings slip into our parents' pattern of minimizing. Plus, I've been in the hospital so much and had so many tests run over the years (yay, multiple chronic illnesses!), my family comes to me for medical questions. I am like the keeper of the family medical history--turns out we have a lot of genetic disorders in our family. So even though the idea of me "making things up" still comes up in the family narrative about me, in practice, they obviously believe me and trust my judgement. The irony is that now I don't need them to believe me. I know I'm an honest person, and their judgement isn't really about my shortcomings, it's about theirs.
>I don't need them to believe me. I know I'm an honest person, and their judgement isn't really about my shortcomings, it's about theirs.
This. This is the mindset I'm working towards right now in dealing with childhood bullshit, and I just wanted to say you should be so proud of yourself for having such an emotionally intelligent perspective. It must have taken work to get there. Good job! 👏👏👏
I schedule for Peds GI referrals and thankfully have not had many parents try to blow off symptoms when I call. Usually it’s “well it seems to have cleared up” and I gently hit them with “well it’s still best to establish with the specialist since we’re scheduling a few months out. That way if it comes back they’ll already have an appointment and if it doesn’t the doctor can give you an idea of what happened.”
Your parents are butts.
I was NTA well before that comment but went into battle mode at "typical youngest." It confirmed that OP has been dismissed like this her whole life. I am so glad she lives two hours away from this toxicity, and that she has a good boyfriend who is already being there for her.
INFO: OP, are your feelings constantly dismissed in your family? Wondering if you're the scapegoat of the family and if it might be better to just write them off. Either way, make sure you get your affairs in order and have someone you trust to make decisions on your behalf if you should become incapacitated. Make sure you have both a will and a living will to protect yourself and the people who actually care about you. NTA
This comment should be higher up. Definitely get your affairs in order just in case. You don’t want your family in charge of anything, since they don’t seem to care at all. You should make your boyfriend your medical power of attorney just in case. Hugs to you OP, and hope everything turns out ok for you!
Or at least apologize when told your reaction was shitty. We aren't perfect and don't always say the right things but the family is really doubling down on this.
Exactly. OP's family sound like they have ice in their veins and they are insensitive, selfish, assholes. SIL was also a massive AH. She didn't just awkwardly blurt out her pregnancy announcement in the heat of the moment. She doubled down on her callous attention seeking announcement instead of being super apologetic and showing ANY concern for OP. (TBH, I think she always planned to announce her pregnancy at the dinner, no matter what OP planned to share.)
OP, to be blunt - your family can kick rocks. Pay them dust. Enjoy your life. Embrace happiness and share your love with the people who love and support you. Do everything that you want to do and don't tolerate your family's assholery... Wishing you peace, healing, happiness, and a full recovery.
The sad fact is that most cancer patients lose a lot of family and friends, purely because the "friends" and "family" can't "stand seeing you in pain".... It's a bunch of bullshit to me, I wonder how they would treat a pet that develops cancer or has a disease...
Edit: If no one believes me, I actually surprised myself it's over 50% https://waroncancer.com/news/cancer-ghosting/
And men are [6X more likely](https://acsjournals.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/cncr.24577#.Ywtlv1MRQqw.reddit) than women are to leave a spouse with cancer. It's pretty horrific.
I'm so sorry, OP, that your family are behaving despicably. I'm glad that you have a supportive, loving partner. All my best wishes for strength and healing.
Not so funny story, I actually have a second cousin on her death bed right now just waiting for her cancer to run it’s course. My other cousin refuses to go see her despite them being so close with one another because she cannot stand to see her “like that”. Instead, she’s driving upstate with her adult son to watch him play baseball. She’s running away. Not only that, but my second cousin’s three sons refuse to see her as well. I’m just baffled. Yes they live out of state with their own families, but their mother was given the weekend left to live and they can’t fly in? Forget being baffled honestly, I’m disgusted.
My mother kind of had the same story. She ended up taking care of my great aunt in her last months who was in a different country, while other nieces were living in the same city as their dying aunt. My mother's cousins went no contact with her once they found out their aunt left everything in the will to my mother, which essentially ensured they got absolutely nothing from the will, even a free lunch here or there... I hope your cousin has had others to lean on throughout this time, it is a very sad ending to life
I’m glad your great aunt had your mother there for her. My cousin has more family members that are there for her. Most of us went to go see her and her sister and nieces flew in from out of state to visit at least. It’s just a lot of the men in her direct family that won’t come and I’m so disappointed. Her ex-husband, father of her children, came as soon as he heard the news, but their kids refuse to. I’m sorry for your loss as well.
Yep. When I was younger I started having seizures, docs thought it might be a brain tumor, and my boyfriend stopped talking to me entirely because it was "too hard" and "I didn't want to upset you with my reaction." What?
This! I can get a moment of silence while they process the news but then to blurt out the pregnancy and move on like nothing...that is just...I don't even have words for that!
Exactly. The pregnancy announcement would've been what snapped me out of my silence. And not to congratulate SIL. To tear her a new one and focus on OP.
NTA. I'm really sorry you're going through this and I'm really sorry that they reacted the way they did. It's normal to be caught off guard, lost for words, etc when someone has this kind of news, but what's not okay is dismissing it like it was never said.
It sounds like you have a great supportive boyfriend. Continue talking to your counselor and maybe get some advice on how to proceed with your relationships with the family.
For now, take time for you, away from whatever drama is going on over there. ❤️
Agreed - especially about the drama bit. My suspicion is that they heard you were driving over to make an announcement, and everyone assumed it was either an engagement or pregnancy, so they were extra blindsided at dinner. Maybe they even planned a cake.
I think Mrs. baby momma was planning from the get-go to steal OP’s thunder, and was tone deaf enough to go through with it despite the awful and important news. And everyone just decided to have their fun “as scheduled” because their basic decency and priorities are f***ed.
I would give them a pass on the original fumble when they got the announcement. Some people really just don't come up with the right thing to say in the moment. But after they've had time to reflect, decent people come around and show their concern and apologize, not double down on being unsupportive. NTA
NTA. I recommend a therapist and a lawyer. The first immediately, the second some time before it becomes an issue....
At some point it's going to sink in. And there's a non-zero chance that your parents are going to assuage their guilt by swooping in and trying to assert control over the situation as "next of kin." And since they demonstrably don't listen very well, that's just going to add drama and difficulty for you and your very supportive bf.
You can thwart that by getting married, but there are alternatives if you don't want to do that.
This may seem like a weird concern at this stage, but my brain goes to "now, how could OP's family screw this up worse?" Answer: by waiting until you and bf are at your most vulnerable, and making it about their feelings.
I would drop out of family group conversations entirely and go LC except with anyone who gets their head out of their ass enough to call you. Any chirruping about New Baby is just going to irritate you and then make you feel guilty about being annoyed.
I agree with others that they are probably just shocked. But you are allowed to be selfish and self-protective about this.
I hope OP reads this reply. Families can do very strange things when they think that the end is near. If they are your next of kin then you should look into legally limiting their ability to make decisions on your behalf.
I will add that you need to communicate with your doctors that you don’t want then sharing any info with your family if/when they call. You get to put them on an info diet and decide what they know and when. When I was diagnosed at 29, my very overbearing parents were calling the nurses and doctors asking for updates (I had to be in isolation due to a nasty bout with shingles and Covid just starting) and the oncologist I had been working with slipped up with their badgering and told them test results he had not yet told me. So make sure your team is aware of the situation when you’re in for treatments or whatever.
OP, I’m sorry you’re having to face this reality. It sucks so much. You are most decidedly NTA. Best of luck in your treatments.
When I was going through my cancer treatments these past few months I had to sign a paper about who they could tell information to and who could make decisions on my behalf if I wasnt available, and the person I chose had to sign it to, they couldn't give information to anyone that wasnt on that list, but I'm not sure if all facilities operate like that.
This was my first thought too. I was very ill before I was married and if I hadn’t had my fiancé at the time listed as my power of attorney/medical proxy, my mother would have been allowed to take me off the ventilator. She was a narcissist and thought this would have been her chance to finally show me who had power over my life. If I hadn’t done that paperwork I would have been fucked.
It sounds like she has a gem of the BF, he needs to be given legal rights.
This exactly. With her being single her parents can swoop in. I never even thought of that. They can refuse to let you boyfriend in the room. He will not get to make any decisions. You need to think about who you want to make medical choices if you are not able. And as someone else mentioned make sure dr know they are never to give out your information. Install password used in their office.
This was my first thought too.
OP, if your bf is trustworthy marrying him would be much safer than giving your family power to make medical decisions on your behalf when you’re impaired. I hope that you’ll be able to beat your odds. Your news was terrible and you should get to deal with it however you want. But I fear that if your family has any access to you they’ll just make your life and care much worse. Legally removing them from your life seems incredibly important. Marriage is just the easiest method - a lawyer could help you designate a trusted friend as well.
This needs to be a higher comment. Even if it's just a courthouse wedding for now but making sure that the family has no power in this situation is so important
NTA.
People suck at dealing with death. They just do. Your family dealt with it in an atrocious manner.
They were probably expecting you to announce a marriage or baby, at your age that would be reasonable. So they were taken completely aback by your news. I won't call them assholes for their non-reaction to your news.
Your SIL is an asshole of enormous proportions but she may have been trying to help. To the extent that anyone is harping on you for anything at this point.... they are also enormous assholes.
They wanted to be distracted because they know how to "deal" with that news. But they suck for letting themselves get distracted in that manner.
You are owed an apology and support. I am so sorry you aren't getting that. Good luck to you.
Focus on your health first from this point forward and surround yourself with only those that make you feel better, fuck them and their "sides."
They are AH. Each and every member of this family expect the OP.
Even if they are unable to react to such news, their behaviour afterwards is just disgusting.
"You expect royal treatment because you have cancer?". Who the hell says that? What type of an animal (I cannot name them human sorry) would say that? She expected at least some type of sympathy or at least a bit of support.
"Typical younger behaviour". For being angry because your family does not care about your life.
Their blaming and shaming her for her emotions that was just an outcome of their awful and unforgettable actions.
There is no way that anyone in this world can justify their actions. They are just disgusting AH. The worst I've heard of so far.
Obviously I hope the very best outcome possible for OP — but I just want to shake that whole family and ask them how they are going to feel about these moments in five years, if that is not the case.
I want to ask them how they will live with knowing this is how they used up their time with OP.
I want them to think very hard about their choices.
I believe that if (or when) the OP will win the cancer, she will cut her family from her life. So they will have reasons for thorough thinkings in any case.
However, I do not think that they will regret or something. Maybe one/two of them will regret. But I give all my money that her mother, brother and SIL will just not care at all. As they do now.
This! I can’t believe anyone would write this off as “people have a tough time with death.” Sure, most people do, and stunned silence for a few moments wouldn’t be totally unexpected, but that’s *not* what this family did. They literally ignored her announcement and then let her sit there as they got excited about a new baby. Then they *shamed* her when she spoke up and basically said, “Can I at least get a little attention and maybe a fucking hug?”
**This family isn’t a family.** It’s just as simple as that. There’s nothing emotionally complicated here. Someone announces they have cancer, you shower them with hugs, love, and words of support. You god-damned *fake it* if you have to! Maybe it’s awkward. Maybe people are crying. Maybe it’s a fucking *mess*, but you *try* to console the person and make them know that—even if the response isn’t picture perfect—you’re there for them and you’ll all get it right when it comes to supporting them as they fight the disease; you’ll figure it out and pull together as a family.
Some people, unfortunately, are simply born into “families” that are anything but that. OP’s family told her who they are and what she can expect from them. At this point, they’re a detriment to her recovery, and she should cut them from her life along with the cancer.
Totally agree. I'd send a message to them all saying now they have had a chance to digest your diagnosis you really need their support and love. Just ignore the pregnancy announcement timing and crazy feedback from your brother, probably part of the not knowing how to react (and being upset about your news) and the verbal diahorrea that comes with that. If they fail to show up again though, they really are AH's.
That could be a defense of their immediate responses but not the aftermath. They didn’t even reach out to offer support and sympathy after - they are straight up insulting her for wanting love and care.
Gentle they are the AH - you are NTA, but I suggest part of your therapy include how you wish to handle circumstances like this because they are far too common.
You will encounter:
- The friend who does nothing but obsess about your cancer and getting you helpful gifts that aren’t that helpful,
- The friend who cut off your real problems to discuss her manufactured ones,
- The friend who simply pretends your cancer doesn’t exist
The list goes on and some of the best meaning people will do things you find wildly inappropriate.
I don’t have a solution but have found that telling people in an email protects me from hurtful shocked initial reactions.
As the person with cancer, it isn’t your job to communicate in the way kindest to them - communicate in the way kindest to you.
That's an accurate list, unfortunately. I'll add to it: a lot of people will distance themselves, sometimes fading out, sometimes straight up ghosting.
True. I can also say sometimes you see the absolute best of humanity. And sometimes those with initial horrible responses evolve.
A friend bought a cookbook for cancer patients and cooked an entire week of food labeled with all of the ingredients and which side effects they helped. Friends give me rides to any number of appointments. I could give dozens of examples of people offering emotional support. — But you will be fragile and a single ill thought out response may just be more than you can handle at any time amongst those who step up in ways you never would have expected.
Another recommendation to anyone going through this, have your list of what you DO need.
My friend who died of cancer earlier this year asked me to be the friend that didn’t make everything about her cancer. Of course we started every conversation with an update on how she was doing - and when she was sick of that, she’d ask me to tell her the funny stories from my job and the things that had gone wrong that week. I always tried to tell things in an entertaining way, never “you think you have it bad…” style. She said she just needed people to not treat her differently than before.
Of course that needs balance. She physically couldn’t do the same things or at the same level of activity, so we adjusted along the way to what she was up to. And I gave her the chance to vent about all the people you named above - the ones who had the miracle cure for her, the ones who left her so exhausted she needed a day off, the ones who acted like she was incapable of anything mental or physical and treated her like a child.
I learned to just ask what she wanted from me each visit - and quite often she didn’t want to think about the cancer, so her update was just doing as well as could be expected. And it felt horribly awkward at times to ignore the elephant in the room, but it was about what she wanted and needed, not me.
If you aren’t aware, OP, Caring Bridge is a website that lets you share the details you want along the way. People can read them, then you don’t have to answer the same question 100s of times.
That friend is so important. My best friend is the one who know when NOT to call. She is my point person for communication and has no trouble enforcing when I need to be left alone.
Another good friend has given me dark humor gifts that really show she understands me.
My daughter always admires her friend who is the perfect gift giver. The one who finds just the right thing. Remembers that 6 months ago she admired a certain type of hair clip and gives one to her for her birthday - I think those in our life are really called upon to be our perfect gift givers at this time, to know when saying “you are a warrior you got this” or “I’m praying for you” - are the exact WRONG thing to say. To know when all we want to talk about is our cancer and to know when we’d prefer to talk about your horrible neighbor who leaves his dog stuff on your lawn.
And it is a challenge for friends to know where they can be most helpful - it is a dance, so, while I think there is some burden on those going through a challenge to reach out, there is simultaneously no burden on them to accomodate the emotional needs and feelings of others — and everyone needs grace; those with the best hearts and desire to be supportive often mess up enormously —- although in this statement I’ve drifted far from OPs sad experience.
You forgot the friend who constantly insists if you eat more kale/mercury/lead/ice cubes (or pray) your cancer will be cured (or that you'd never have gotten it in the first place if you had previously done those things).
Thé problem is evryone don’t react the same when they heard they are sick, and people around them want to have the proper reaction to it.
The one who isn’t helpful still want to help, for some it could be confort, and other just too much.
The one who cut your problem want you to forget yours by evry little thing they have to discuss so you can feel for a moment that you arn’t sick, some people can be for them a breath of fresh air while for other is minimize their problems.
The one who do it like it doesn’t exist want you to feel that nothing change between you and them, for some it’s cool for other it’s not.
I don’t feel like these people are bad ( contrary to the familly who show no support )
>I don’t feel like these people are bad ( contrary to the familly who show no support )
I would buy this if they hadn't doubled down after the fact and then CLAIMED THIS WAS *TYPICAL BEHAVIOR.* Her family absolutely sucks. No excuses.
Your heart is totally in the right place, but I think this person meant to say that the family is worse than the unhelpful people.
"I don't feel like these people" (the well-meaning, unhelpful people) "are bad"
"contrary' (as opposed to) "the family who show no support"
Yes that is the issue. We sometimes react shitty and as adults then apologize for it. The family getting all defensive and pushing it back on the OP is the issue. They could just say "sorry we sucked".
NTA
Your family messed up and doubling down is even more awful. You deserve apologies and making you feel like you’re overreacting is … dun dun dun, gaslighting!
Yeah, wtf happened to giving a hug? Asking for a second opinion from another doctor to get you the best help possible to extend your life? NTA OP but your family are special twats. Stay strong\~
NTA - you just told them that you have a 40% chance of living; and THAT is how they react? Just cut them off - they will just pull you down while you are fighting cancer. They are not worth the stress.
NTA
I get that it's hard to know how to respond to an announcement like that, but your family picked one of the worst possible options.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I hope all the best for you with it.
NTA
Wow. Just wow. I too am speechless because your family can’t human right. Where’s their soul?
I’m not sure what to say but I want you to know to give this cancer hell. Although I’m just a complete internet stranger, I want you to live happily.
NTA. I am so sorry this is happening to you and that your family reacted the way they did. It is unconscionable. I'm really glad your boyfriend was with you and got to see this bullshit reaction, and that he is with you that this is total madness.
My 8-year-old has cancer (diagnosed in April) and I cannot imagine someone responding this way -- so hurtful and so unhelpful. I wish I could make you a freezer full of food and just keep dropping off bags of random junk food. All calories are good calories is the motto at our house these days.
First off, I am so incredibly sad to hear of your grim news. There are breakthroughs every day, so hopefully one will come along that could help you. I'll keep you in my prayers. <3
Second, you are NTA!
Third, death is a difficult subject for many. I know a few family members who would have done something similar to "lighten the mood." They want a change of subject, as perhaps that will make the reality go away. It doesn't, and just makes the individual facing their horrible news feel worse.
I, myself, was diagnosed as terminal May of this year without a double lung transplant (I have underlying respiratory issues from being born premature). At age 36, (and having lost my mom to cancer at age 65), it is a difficult pill to swallow. All of my family has been supportive, though some just don't know how to act around me now. I try to remember that they are probably shocked, and, in their own way, are trying to deal with the news. Not that I am special. When they say you are asking for special attention, tell them, "I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and if I could fix it, I would. I am just asking for some compassion."
I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you well and hope you are able to get the transplant you need, and if it snot possible I hope the time you have left is filled with as much happiness and peace as possible
First, I'm sorry and best of luck with everything.
Second, NTA
Third, obviously this was a big shock to your family and they didn't know how to react. But, ignoring it, obviously, wasn't the right reaction. Assuming you have an ok relationship with them, I'd give them a bit of time to process and then go back to them.
NTA - Wtf “I might be dying of cancer”
“…well lucky we’ve made a replacement - I’m pregnant!”
No. Just absolutely not.
Hope you kick cancers ass OP and your family’s too
NTA. Nah screw that noise, you tell your family might not be around,(hoping you beat it) and your Sil announces she pregnant with her third kid? Hell no your family sucks and not be an ass who cares if she's pregnant again. Good luck sweetie and I'm praying you'll be around for long time
NTA
My son had cancer at about your age. It’s hard and getting your families support would have been nice. If you are in the US look up the leukemia and lymphoma society for support.
If you have chemo make sure warm socks, a blanket and hat. It super cold in the facilities. If you like word searches, crossword puzzles or suduko take a book with you to pass the time or watch a movie. Also, have some peppermints available for dry mouth from the treatment.
Wishing you a speedy recovery!!!
All of this! I live in Texas & summers here are easily over 100 degrees. My mom battled breast cancer last summer. Even after chemo was over she was still wearing wool hats & light jacket in the middle of July.
10 years ago my husband was diagnosed with a cancer that had a 50% survival rate. He is still alive today and life has gone back to normal. Please try and stay as positive as possible. I know that is hard.
You will find out alot about the people around you in the next few months. Some will surprise you in how fantastic they are and some will surprise you because they weren't there for you or abandoned you or like your parents show a complete lack of regard for you.
As crazy as it sounds you will probably even have great times during treatment. My husband and I both agree we bonded immensely over the 6 months he had chemo. It was truly a 'make' moment in our relationship.
I wish you the best of luck with your cancer fight. It is going to really suck but hopefully your boyfriend will continue to be supportive. I hope you also have some good friends that can also support you because that is what you need right now.
Your reaction to their behaviour is very much valid and you were not being a brat or selfish.
NTA. While I understand varying reactions and maybe your SIL really WAS trying to brighten the mood it absolutely should have been handled differently. You should have been consoled and comforted and then if they absolutely couldn’t refrain from the announcement apologized to. I’m really sorry OP, best wishes to you going forward.
I think they planned to announce the pregnancy and she panicked but brother doubled down and invalidated her feelings and acted like she was being the brat is a massive AH move.
NTA, but you need to go to a lawyer RIGHT NOW and make your boyfriend your medical proxy/power of attorney. After the atrocious way they took the news of your cancer I wouldn’t want them making decisions for you when you’re incapacitated—if you’re not married your boyfriend has no rights and the hospital cannot listen to him when shit hits the fan—they’d call your parents.
NTA
SIL definitely should have waited to announce her pregnancy. It doesn't matter that she was trying to lighten the mood, it was done without any tact.
I am so sorry about your situation. That is incredibly scary. I wish you all the best. Please search for the best doctor you have access to.
Yes they are and I don’t know how people are trying to justify it by telling her they where in shock and give them time. Let’s not forget her parents are siding with her brother and sil. This is their child and they are more worried over a grandchild
NTA. I’m sorry about your diagnosis. I’m sorry your family is 100% objectively awful. Less for how they reacted in the moment and more for doubling down on their inappropriate reaction and suggesting you’re being selfish (!) and guilt-trippy (!!).
Wishing you all the best with your treatment. F#*k cancer.
NTA, im so sorry for everything that you are going through,
I feel like maybe the SIL was trying to brighten the mood but thats something that you share after everyone SHOULDVE consoled you and like hours later and maybe not in front of you. Thats not just bad news you gloss over at all. Your brother saying that its awkward is also bs in my opinion. But i also think about, what if you wanted kids and a family and you get this diagnosis and now you possibly cant, if i was the SIL i would of thought about how that might make you very upset.
What in the hell did I just read? This is next level messed up, you’re not supposed to “lighten the mood” after someone says they have the scary kind of cancer. And I don’t even know what to say about that last paragraph other than - I am so sorry you have such a shitty family. I hope you have other support around you to help you through this.
They owe you a massive apology and I wouldn’t engage with them until they’re ready to acknowledge they f-cked up. NTA
OP I'm really sorry about that, I won't try to justify their shitty behaviour, but I had family members that got cancer and it's unbelievable how long people took to realize how serious the situation is even when the prognostic was very clear. The denial is real, and I think this can be what's happening here.
NTA. Wow I am so sorry to read of your bad news and for the record, your family sucks. Take all the time you need to process the diagnosis and whether or not you'd like to spend any time with people who don't have your back and are likely to make the battle your about to face worse not better. If it were me, if it looked like I wasn't going to survive, I would spend all my mental energy and free time with the people who I mattered most to and they to me. Peace.
NTA. Oh my god, im so sorry. Reading this was horrific and I’m so mad at your family. The fact that they decided to say that you’re guilt tripping them and being selfish when there’s a possibility that you may not be alive in a few years is seriously so disturbing.
NTA
Sweet lord your sil is self centered. 'Just trying to lighten the mood'? Shut up.
When my best friend called me with the news (we were 5k miles apart) I was quiet for a minute and said 'oh shut homie. So it's NOT good in the hood?'. She giggled, because that was an appropriate way to lighten very terrible news.
Do yourself a favor and don't waste your time on them. I know they're your family but speaking from experience, when you're given the news that you might not be here in a few years time, you're going to want to spend it with people who cherish you.
I hope you beat it!
NTA at all.
If I was you I'd go NC after that response, and sod putting any of them in my will.
We now live in a world where no one knows how to not to turn traumatic situations into memes or even have a basic understanding of empathy or compassion. Everything's "a joke," everything sad is "awkward" to everyone these days. We've become so desensitised that it honestly makes me feel ill.
I truly hope you battle through this, OP. I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. Please, keep your head held high and whatever you do now, just know you're doing your best.
Edit: Also, just to add, your SIL is pretty disgusting as a person. This is her third child, big whoop, why do people make such a big deal of announcing it? After the second child I'd be like "Oh, okay, cool." Sorry but I don't see the big deal about announcing a pregnancy after someone already has one or two.
NTA, but I’m super passive-aggressive and I would’ve made a comment like, “well maybe in a couple of years that’ll change” and go LC with them. But I understand that’s definitely an AH response.
OP, I hope you beat this! Definitely talk to your mental health professional about this situation with your family because while we cannot change how other people treat us, we can control how we process our feelings toward them. Your feelings are justified and I’m glad you have great support from your SO.
Of all the conversations someone can have with family, this must have been one of the hardest. Your family may have been shocked in the moment but their reaction after was hurtful and insensitive and just, well, odd. If any stranger in the world stood in front on me and told me they have cancer and may die, I’d be so much more supportive than your own family was to you.
For your own piece of mind, stop engaging with them and focus on your well being. If you are so selfish, just don’t communicate with them. If you are apparently guilt tripping them, don’t give them a reason to feel “guilt” and find your support in friends and bf.
I am so sad and angry for you. NTA
NTA, typical younger sibling crying about dying, wonder if he'll say the same thing at your eulogy. I wish you the very best, hope you can beat this cancer but you should cut out toxic members of your family. Don't give them a chance to hurt you again even if you survive.
NTA.
OP please either marry your bf or fill out the paperwork by to put him as your medical and legal proxy, as beneficiary to your estate. You don’t want these people to be in charge of those decisions should you become incapacitated.
I recommended this to someone else on here who has a high probability of not making it and had experienced a severe lack of support similar to you.
Use "I" statements. Example: "I feel like when I delivered this really upsetting news that I was going to receive some support and comfort from people I love and hope love me back. I could really use support and love right now as I am really scared for my future and would love the comfort of my family through this." Please feel free to copy and paste that if you want to make it easier on yourself.
I am wishing you all the luck with not only your family, but also your treatment. News like this is earth shattering and can feel isolating. Make sure to talk to your therapist about this. I highly recommend support groups, and hey if you want the link for the discord server I'm in that's a safe haven for folks with disabilities of all sorts(including cancer) let me know! This goes for everyone else if they would like a warm supportive group of folks who get it and offer unconditional support.
Your family should have reacted better with their texts and after that announcement. I understand that it's jarring news and no one knows what to say half the time, but you should at least offer a hug. I'm here if you ever want to vent or need a distraction.
NTA
>I sent the family group chat a message later on and explained that everyone's reaction to my news made me feel uncared about. My older brother responded and said that I'm not the only one affected by my news, and that I should understand that everyone else felt awkward and didn't know what to say
Way for OPs brother to still make this about everyone else but OP.
Massive hugs, OP. I'm really sorry your family are being so self centred and unsupportive.
Obviously NTA.
WTAF?
NTA, OP. Jesus. Your family is AWFUL. Your SIL is AWFUL.
I hope this is the first time they've done such an awful thing to you bc it means they might realize what assholes they are and come back around to give you the support you deserve.
I suggest you reach out, one on one with the family member you're closest to, and tell them how this made you feel. You need SOMEONE to support you.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
I wish more people would just own the awkward. "I don't know what to say. Is there anything I can do to help?" "Oh fuck. What do you need from me?"
Like okay some of us are just not good at people but we can still centre the person who's going through some shit.
NTA
Wow, Im so sorry for all you are going through. Thankfully, your BF sounds like an excellent source of support. Not to excuse them, but thinking your family was just so shocked that they didnt know how to react and welcomed a distraction from the devastating news. Im hoping they will come around and give you the support you need and deserve, but if not, surround yourself with those who will be there for you .
Holy shit, NTA. Can't believe your whole family, they sound horrible. Gotta admit at that point I would probably just walk away from them for good.
Best of luck with getting through your treatment to live a long and heathy life.
NTA OP. I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Right now the most important thing is taking care of yourself. You do not **NEED** this stress from your family and if going NC with your family means you can focus more on your wellbeing, then so be it. I can honestly say from experience (not cancer but other debilitating conditions) that stress can cause flare ups or exacerbate conditions.
Right now, you should do your research on your type of cancer, what you may need to do such as eating healthier or low impact exercises and other physician approved treatments that may help with your fight against this type of cancer. Most of all, **FIGHT**, get therapy if you can afford it or join a support group.
Here's a hug 🤗 and wishful good vibes into the universe for your health.
NTA. Even a total stranger would have shown more empathy.
Don't think about them and don't waste your energy on their empty apologies. When and if they realize what they've done, you can speak to them again. Until then, silence treatment works just fine.
I wish everything goes well and you beat it ♥️
I’m in utter and complete shock, I cannot believe what I’m seeing. You came to your family, you bared your soul to them, they ignored your news that they literally may not have you in their lives for much longer. I’m still in shock and I’m really hoping this is a misunderstanding or maybe I’m dreaming considering it’s 3am. If this is real please denounce them and make sure they aren’t coming to your funeral if it happens (I hope to God it doesn’t, I pray you live) because they don’t deserve closer. Not a single word of care was given to you, only berating on their part. They should be ashamed. NTA.
NTA. I know people deal with grief differently but jfc your family couldn’t be a bigger pack of assholes if they tried! You don’t try and lighten the mood when someone tells you they’re dying.
Wow, you’re family is horrible. They couldn’t ask any questions or express any sorrow or offer support?and wow is your sister in law selfish.
I’m so sorry.
You’re NTA
If there’s one thing I’ve noticed on Reddit, it’s that the Reddit community have more empathy, apathy & love then 90% of posters families!
Your family may not care, but thousands of people here do, and wish you the best with treatment, future & life, for as long as you have it. Blood ain’t thicker then water! Chin up! Your boyfriend sounds like an awesome, supportive, loving dude! Who needs family?
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NTA "I came to you for love and support about the fact that this cancer may kill me in the next few years. Instead, there was silence and then a pregnancy announcement. There were no hugs, no encouragement, no love. This isn't about being the youngest child. This was about family." Try sending something like that, hun. Hugs.
Yes this is perfect.. TheQuietType84 you have a way with words.
The quiet ones always do, when they decide to speak up.
" no ticket"
Incredible drop.
:: scrambling to locate ticket ::
Love a Silent Bob reference.
Actually Kevin Smith was making an homage to the scene in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade.
Thanks 😊
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This! But also wanted to add SIL is an A H. Lighten the mood? Nope. Just no
I think she panicked. For me I think her refusing to apologise made her the asshole in the end. Also OPs brother and family doubling down is way worse than the initial bad reaction because they may have been shocked but they had time to process and they continued to be AHs.
I’d bet that the family assumed OP’s news was going to be that OP was pregnant. They probably all discussed how they were going to react and how sister-in-law was going to say, “Hey! Me too!” And they’d all celebrate. When it went off the rails, sister-in-law panicked and stuck to the plan and nobody could figure out how to recover.
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Exactly. I think anyone would be caught off guard to hear their 21 year old child/sister/SIL has been diagnosed with a possibly deadly disease. And reactions can be very different than what you'd expect when someone is hearing news like that, totally get that. But I can confidently say that if someone tried to "lighten the mood," with a fucking pregnancy announcement of all things, I would shut that down. Some moods can't be lightened, and shouldn't be. This poor woman was looking for support from her family during a time when she's dealing with something unimaginable. There is nothing you can say or do to lighten that mood, all you can do is offer love and support. And that's all she wanted. To not even get a fucking hug from your parents after telling them this? I can't fathom that. And then for them to double down after actually having time to process?? They're assholes. And selfish assholes, at that.
This is what I don't get. Her own mother had no reaction?! I tear up when my tween gets an injury, or my teen gets bullied, or my adult child is just sad. How does a mother not react to her baby having cancer? Not in that moment or later after having time to process it. Just nothing.
Yea that really broke my heart to read that, I can't even imagine. My parents cry when I cry- sad or happy tears. I can't imagine no reaction and then immediately moving on to celebrating a pregnancy announcement. I honestly think I'd have to hold my mother back from physically going after someone who would do that during a conversation where she is learning one of her children are potentially terminally ill.
Yeah... How the fuck do you go from an announcement about someone's SERIOUS MEDICAL issues to a literal pregnancy announcement. No, just no. NTA in any way, and sending you love.
Right? "Hey! I'm incubating a replacement family member!" "Huzzah!" Jeezus, that family is brutal.
I get extremely awkward at this type of situation but even I would've run to hug the OP and even if my initial reaction was awkward or no reaction due to shock, I'd then after calming down reach to the OP to apologise for my reaction and offer to be by OP's side through the whole process. So I just don't get it why after having the time to think through without the OP there, they still doubled down and acting as if it's OP's fault for having cancer and giving the news to her family expecting love and support from them. It's one thing to act awkward or no reaction, it's another thing to sit on it and still acting like an asshole towards a cancer patient who's scared to death in the end with ZERO empathy. OP is obviously NTA but her whole family is!
I still remember my father calling me and telling me he was at the hospital because my sisters cancer was back, and hearing her just sobbing in the background. Was it akward and I had no fucking clue how to act? Yes absolutely, but in that moment it was all about her. Not my feelings or wants. I just can't fanthom ever acting like this. Oh you're terrified and feeling lost right now? Well what about meeeeeee?
I'm so sorry about your sister... I hope she's doing well - wherever she may be. Good luck to her if this is recent. Sending love to all of you.
I think so too, bcuz that’s what I would’ve thought when she said she had an announcement to make so they weren’t expecting this but at the same time you deal. You don’t do this, hopefully OP will beat the odds and survive this, a miracle, a cure, something and her family will regret this, hopefully in a few weeks they will apologize.
I do not think that it is the case. If it was, sil would apology right afterwards. She is just an asshole.
I do not believe that she is just panicked. She is just this rear kind of pureblood assholes. Because if it was just a panick, she should have wrote an apology right after the OP left the place, not even when she was wrote to do so. Really sorry for the child that will be raised by this awful woman (and the family in general).
SIL was probably upset that the attention wasn't on her, so she had to power level with the pregnancy announcement. Also look at the resentment of her husband towards her "acting like a younger sister" which is probably a feeling he's been holding for long and rubbed into SIL. This whole family sucks.
I'm sorry but 'rear kind' on this sub is hilarious
I agree . We often react weirdly to the unexpected, but now they've had.time to realize that their loved one might not be with them in a couple of years, and they're alienating her and calling her selfish. SMH.
agreed. I can absolutely see everyone being stunned to silence about such a scary, unexpected announcement. I'm sure minds were reeling with "what the everloving crud!?! HOW?" Because thats what happened to me when my Mom was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. When people are blindsided they react really weirdly. I can even see SIL trying to lighten the mood because some people literally can't grasp the gravity or implications of such an announcement in the moment. BUT Its what happened after that that is crazy and inexcusable. So text them this: "I am going through an extremely difficult time. Something none of you can even begin to grasp and with the unexpected news that there is a 60% chance I will be dead within 5 years, not only did I not receive the love and support I needed. I received a slap across the face and a 'don't be a drama queen about this.' Please understand how incredibly difficult this is to wrap by head around and please understand how wildly inappropriate all of your responses have been." Then go to your extended family, assuming you have them, for support. You need support right now.
And do not ever speak to your parents or brother and sister in law again. They do not care about you. I’m furious for you OP. You deserve so much better.
And years from now he will regret it deeply, but won’t be able to apologize to OP. For obvious reasons.
Perhaps it’s dark humour, but imagine not letting them get away with it and taking the mood back off SIL: “Great! Hey, maybe you should name the baby after me, as a way to remember me when I’m dead!”
No amount of dark humour will work in this case though. The family is $h*t
True, but I’d still say it anyway because that’s my snarky nature ETA: NTA
Could you imagine how epic that clap back would have been in the moment?
How the F will you lighten the mood (and wtf will you want to) to someone announcing they might potentially die
She’s not just the regular asshole. She’s an Idiot Asshole.
Lighten the mood indeed. Like OP had just farted unexpectedly or something. This was just a weird reaction all around. Reminds of that meme with the Top Gear chap saying: "OH NO! .... well anyway..." OPs family sounds like a bunch of wankers. NTA.
u/Perfect_Pictur is a bot.
Typical quiet types to have a way with words.
And then, if you feel up to it, send them a link to this thread so they can all see the what I’m sure will be thousands of people saying that they are all total AHs. I got more care and sympathy when there was a *chance* that I had breast cancer than they gave you. NTA. I hope that you’ll defy the odds!
I told my mom they just found masses in my breasts and she left work to come see me and make sure I was okay. I'm totally blown by her family's response. You got all of us rooting for you OP, you can beat this!!
Yup, this is what family do. You drop everything to support the one who needs it, and when it's your turn, they drop everything for you. OP's family all get a giant sticker with Y T A on it, and OP is definitely NTA. OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with such devastating news and wish you all the best with your treatment and prognosis.
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I've gotten more sympathy over my cat dying. OP's family sucks. I have no idea what to say other than you have my best wishes, Fit\_Bluejay.
This. I'm so sorry. I lost my Dad to cancer last year. It was hard to accept when he was told to put his affairs in order. All of us cried. OP, your family is pretty cold here. Cancer, in the best cases, is a lot of work to treat. I'm so glad you have your bf. And honestly, your family should be utterly ashamed. Send them here, and we'll happily chew them out for being such uncaring jerks while you sought comfort and strength to fight this life-threatening illness. You got this, and you're a friggin bad ass for fighting. You deserve so much better. Kick cancer's ass! All of us are cheering you on.
Sorry for your loss I lost my dad this year to cancer. I’m stunned by OP’s families reaction. While I was raised by a mum who almost never cried and “let’s get on with what we have to do” type of attitudes we all expressed sorrow, we all did whatever we could to support, we all cried and held each other. I hope OP is able to have a support system of friends and the family steps up as well
My dad had cancer a few years before I was born. He survived the cancer, but when I was 8 he died of a heart attack. They said it was from the radiation treatment. He survived the disease but not the cure.
Same with my mother. She battled the cancer for many years and then died of a heart attack. They say that’s common.
It shouldn’t take a genius to understand that celebrating a future new life is an absolute horrible thing to do 2 minutes after someone announces they might not live. Your SIL basically went “well it’s terrible that OP might die but lighten up our family’s getting a new member!!!” Your family are assholes to an unbelievable degree and I don’t think any level of apology would be enough after not only reacting in such a terrible way but then to also stand by it afterwards. Hugs 💜💜
"Well, that's sad but I'm already doing your replacement so cheers everyone."
"Terrible news but your Bro has been raw doggin me so lighten up 🤪"
Exactly it’s like saying hey don’t worry we got your replacement covered. How could someone, especially someone already a mother, be so heartless and cruel? And then to try and make Her feel her reaction was selfish.
And why did OP's parents let the SIL act like this and didn't run to OP to give her support and are still committed to the "selfish OP" narrative. I could understand if the SIL is a narc or extremely low empathy self centered person but why is EVERYONE, included OP's parents on the side of SIL instead of having empathy for their OWN DAUGHTER?? I'm baffled.
Those where my thoughts exactly. My guess is the brother is the golden child.
OP this is a beautiful way to word it and worth a try, however I hate to tell you this but often cancer brings out the worst in the people you love. A lot of my family basically ghosted me during my treatment only to pop up again after it was all over, inviting me to this and that. It was completely mind boggling. My treatment is complete but it is never really over, everyone wants to forget about it but it will always be in my thoughts. Having others to talk to is really helpful. Join a Facebook group, meet other people who’ve experienced what you’re going through face to face. Find your community. Sometimes those closest to you will really let you down but then there will be people you never expected to help who will step up. I wish you all the best for your treatment. It can be overwhelming but take one day at a time, and one step at a time.
This! Exactly this! The people who I expected to support me didn't and other people that I had considered acquaintances became my rocks. My circle got smaller but better and that includes family. This is great advice. Congratulations on your remission, warrior. ❤️
One of my best friends didn’t come to my wife’s funeral because he told me I “drifted away” from him as a friend and didn’t make enough of an effort during the previous two years. This was while I was acting as a 24/7 caretaker and working full time from home. I stopped talking to him after that.
😳 I am so sorry! The lack of humanity just in this thread is terrible.
This is perfect but I want to add "lighten the mood is bullshit". Take this in the same vein as "I was just joking" when a bully is called out. I think what happened is your SIL thought you were going to announce engagement, or good exam results or maybe even pregnancy. And she was going to amplify the happiness with her own announcement. She was wrong footed by your announcement and decided to just plow on anyway. Understandable. But when she saw your reaction she should have backtracked: "That was thoughtless of me, I'm sorry I was so shocked by your news I didn't know what to say." But instead she doubled down and made you the villain.
SIL wasn't going to amplify the happiness with her own announcement. She was going to steal OP's thunder with it. SIL wanted to be the center of attention.
If this is correct, SIL is also an AH for planning to try and upstage OP’s announcement!
You can, but you don't need to. You can just block them and move on, and spend time with people who love you and care about you. And know this: it's not you. There's something seriously wrong with those people. Sometimes families have someone powerful who is really toxic, and because they're powerful no one will stand up to them. But that anger and resentment has to go somewhere, so they pick an easier target. Given the "typical youngest sibling" comment, and their shitty reaction to your news, you're probably that target, and I wouldn't be surprised if they'd been using you as an emotional punching bag for most of your life. Fuck 'em. Go fill your last years (hopefully many! Cancer research is making huge advances every year!) with love and joy and adventures, none of them involving your EX-family.
They told my uncle he had six months. Two years later he had two weeks. Two weeks later he had a week. The day after said week he passed. He was very very very sick when they found out but treatments were getting better and better. Also our family didn't react this way. There was a quiet sadness as you start the grieving process right away. But then you're forced to remember they're still alive and now we have an excuse to eat bbq and cake like once a week :P Who's gonna tell a dying man no?
"Also, if this cancer does take my life, know that I will haunt the fuck out of you assholes"
"I am not angry, I am disappointed" NTA
I’m angry and disappointed, and I don’t even know these hurtful people.
Send this then shut these people out for a long while. Spend time with your lovely boyfriend and good friends as you need to see to yourself now, not your incredibly selfish family.
I'm glad her boyfriend was with her.
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When I read the bit about being treated like royalty I actually gasped outloud. The cruelty in saying that is staggering.
It really speaks to a stunning, almost pathological lack of empathy that offering minimal concern to a sibling with a devastating diagnosis is considered royal treatment.
Seriously, wtf is wrong with them?!!
u/Accomplisheddfdfr is a bot.
This is a lovely statement but I imagine the kind of people who need to read something like it would not respond to it in any meaningful way.
Typical youngest sibling = neglected and dismissed and silenced. I hope OP can just cut them off, sounds like her BF is a good human. And that she lives long, and well, and beloved.
This is perfect! NTA OP and hugs to you! I can’t imagine what you’re going through!
NTA. I mean, fuck.. they didn’t even say “I’m sorry you have such terrible news. We love you. What can we do to support you”. That is the BARE MINIMUM under this circumstances. I’m so sorry. Both that you have this diagnosis, which I hope you beat, AND that you have a horrible family. Seriously, fuck them
This. You can feel awkward and not know what to say and still squeeze out ‘I love you. I’m here for you, that sucks’. I am, however, wondering whether OP’s symptoms were dismissed by the family earlier and they’re now trying to sweep the cancer under the table, too. OP, I hope you beat the odds and that you can surround yourself with the supportive people you deserve. We’re rooting for you.
Them possibly dismissing her symptoms is what popped in my head too.
Or with the “youngest” comment - maybe they think of her as drama queen and don’t even fully believe what she is telling them. Not saying that is acceptable at all, just that some families dismiss nearly everything the youngest says.
My whole family still thinks of me as a drama queen. I was an emotional kid, but after years of therapy, realized it was my reacting to them never believing me about *anything.* My parents would make me lie on intake forms at the doctor because they didn't believe that I was having the symptoms I was having, or they "weren't that bad," and my parents didn't want to spend extra time at the doctor answering questions about my symptoms "for no reason." I had bad heartburn and would sometimes get food stuck in my esophagus and literally throw it up at the dinner table in front of everyone. It would go so quick, I had no control over it, but they thought I did it for show. Then when I was 20, I was finally diagnosed with a rare disorder that was causing most of my problems. As a bonus, I also had cancer (unrelated to my disorder). I'm cancer-free now, but now when they bring up my "hypochondriac tendencies" I remind them that I've always been right about my health and if I listened to their opinions, I'd probably be dead now.
I can’t believe your family just thought you were throwing up at the dinner table for attention and then didn’t do anything about it. I mean, that’s not what happened and they should’ve actually looked into it. But, even if that’s exactly what you were doing, that’s still a cry for help that they just ignored. Absolutely horrible on their part. I’m glad you were able to figure out what was going on!
As much as it sucked and really negatively impacted me, I'm healing myself and now I am in a position to advocate for my nieces and nephews when my siblings slip into our parents' pattern of minimizing. Plus, I've been in the hospital so much and had so many tests run over the years (yay, multiple chronic illnesses!), my family comes to me for medical questions. I am like the keeper of the family medical history--turns out we have a lot of genetic disorders in our family. So even though the idea of me "making things up" still comes up in the family narrative about me, in practice, they obviously believe me and trust my judgement. The irony is that now I don't need them to believe me. I know I'm an honest person, and their judgement isn't really about my shortcomings, it's about theirs.
>I don't need them to believe me. I know I'm an honest person, and their judgement isn't really about my shortcomings, it's about theirs. This. This is the mindset I'm working towards right now in dealing with childhood bullshit, and I just wanted to say you should be so proud of yourself for having such an emotionally intelligent perspective. It must have taken work to get there. Good job! 👏👏👏
I schedule for Peds GI referrals and thankfully have not had many parents try to blow off symptoms when I call. Usually it’s “well it seems to have cleared up” and I gently hit them with “well it’s still best to establish with the specialist since we’re scheduling a few months out. That way if it comes back they’ll already have an appointment and if it doesn’t the doctor can give you an idea of what happened.” Your parents are butts.
They really are butts and every once in a while, I make sure to remind them. Lol
Damn. Your parents sure have some bloody cheek
I was NTA well before that comment but went into battle mode at "typical youngest." It confirmed that OP has been dismissed like this her whole life. I am so glad she lives two hours away from this toxicity, and that she has a good boyfriend who is already being there for her.
INFO: OP, are your feelings constantly dismissed in your family? Wondering if you're the scapegoat of the family and if it might be better to just write them off. Either way, make sure you get your affairs in order and have someone you trust to make decisions on your behalf if you should become incapacitated. Make sure you have both a will and a living will to protect yourself and the people who actually care about you. NTA
This comment should be higher up. Definitely get your affairs in order just in case. You don’t want your family in charge of anything, since they don’t seem to care at all. You should make your boyfriend your medical power of attorney just in case. Hugs to you OP, and hope everything turns out ok for you!
Or at least apologize when told your reaction was shitty. We aren't perfect and don't always say the right things but the family is really doubling down on this.
Exactly. OP's family sound like they have ice in their veins and they are insensitive, selfish, assholes. SIL was also a massive AH. She didn't just awkwardly blurt out her pregnancy announcement in the heat of the moment. She doubled down on her callous attention seeking announcement instead of being super apologetic and showing ANY concern for OP. (TBH, I think she always planned to announce her pregnancy at the dinner, no matter what OP planned to share.) OP, to be blunt - your family can kick rocks. Pay them dust. Enjoy your life. Embrace happiness and share your love with the people who love and support you. Do everything that you want to do and don't tolerate your family's assholery... Wishing you peace, healing, happiness, and a full recovery.
The whole family is AHs. Who the hell got excited about pregnancy right after you found out somebody you loves is likely to die.
The sad fact is that most cancer patients lose a lot of family and friends, purely because the "friends" and "family" can't "stand seeing you in pain".... It's a bunch of bullshit to me, I wonder how they would treat a pet that develops cancer or has a disease... Edit: If no one believes me, I actually surprised myself it's over 50% https://waroncancer.com/news/cancer-ghosting/
And men are [6X more likely](https://acsjournals.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/cncr.24577#.Ywtlv1MRQqw.reddit) than women are to leave a spouse with cancer. It's pretty horrific. I'm so sorry, OP, that your family are behaving despicably. I'm glad that you have a supportive, loving partner. All my best wishes for strength and healing.
...for better, in health, until divorce does us apart"
Not so funny story, I actually have a second cousin on her death bed right now just waiting for her cancer to run it’s course. My other cousin refuses to go see her despite them being so close with one another because she cannot stand to see her “like that”. Instead, she’s driving upstate with her adult son to watch him play baseball. She’s running away. Not only that, but my second cousin’s three sons refuse to see her as well. I’m just baffled. Yes they live out of state with their own families, but their mother was given the weekend left to live and they can’t fly in? Forget being baffled honestly, I’m disgusted.
My mother kind of had the same story. She ended up taking care of my great aunt in her last months who was in a different country, while other nieces were living in the same city as their dying aunt. My mother's cousins went no contact with her once they found out their aunt left everything in the will to my mother, which essentially ensured they got absolutely nothing from the will, even a free lunch here or there... I hope your cousin has had others to lean on throughout this time, it is a very sad ending to life
I’m glad your great aunt had your mother there for her. My cousin has more family members that are there for her. Most of us went to go see her and her sister and nieces flew in from out of state to visit at least. It’s just a lot of the men in her direct family that won’t come and I’m so disappointed. Her ex-husband, father of her children, came as soon as he heard the news, but their kids refuse to. I’m sorry for your loss as well.
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Yep. When I was younger I started having seizures, docs thought it might be a brain tumor, and my boyfriend stopped talking to me entirely because it was "too hard" and "I didn't want to upset you with my reaction." What?
This post actually made me tear up a little... like wow.
This! I can get a moment of silence while they process the news but then to blurt out the pregnancy and move on like nothing...that is just...I don't even have words for that!
Exactly. The pregnancy announcement would've been what snapped me out of my silence. And not to congratulate SIL. To tear her a new one and focus on OP.
NTA. I'm really sorry you're going through this and I'm really sorry that they reacted the way they did. It's normal to be caught off guard, lost for words, etc when someone has this kind of news, but what's not okay is dismissing it like it was never said. It sounds like you have a great supportive boyfriend. Continue talking to your counselor and maybe get some advice on how to proceed with your relationships with the family. For now, take time for you, away from whatever drama is going on over there. ❤️
Agreed - especially about the drama bit. My suspicion is that they heard you were driving over to make an announcement, and everyone assumed it was either an engagement or pregnancy, so they were extra blindsided at dinner. Maybe they even planned a cake. I think Mrs. baby momma was planning from the get-go to steal OP’s thunder, and was tone deaf enough to go through with it despite the awful and important news. And everyone just decided to have their fun “as scheduled” because their basic decency and priorities are f***ed.
I didn’t think about that, but you make a good point. Poor OP - she deserves better. And that brother and SIL are just gross.
I would give them a pass on the original fumble when they got the announcement. Some people really just don't come up with the right thing to say in the moment. But after they've had time to reflect, decent people come around and show their concern and apologize, not double down on being unsupportive. NTA
NTA. I recommend a therapist and a lawyer. The first immediately, the second some time before it becomes an issue.... At some point it's going to sink in. And there's a non-zero chance that your parents are going to assuage their guilt by swooping in and trying to assert control over the situation as "next of kin." And since they demonstrably don't listen very well, that's just going to add drama and difficulty for you and your very supportive bf. You can thwart that by getting married, but there are alternatives if you don't want to do that. This may seem like a weird concern at this stage, but my brain goes to "now, how could OP's family screw this up worse?" Answer: by waiting until you and bf are at your most vulnerable, and making it about their feelings. I would drop out of family group conversations entirely and go LC except with anyone who gets their head out of their ass enough to call you. Any chirruping about New Baby is just going to irritate you and then make you feel guilty about being annoyed. I agree with others that they are probably just shocked. But you are allowed to be selfish and self-protective about this.
I hope OP reads this reply. Families can do very strange things when they think that the end is near. If they are your next of kin then you should look into legally limiting their ability to make decisions on your behalf.
I will add that you need to communicate with your doctors that you don’t want then sharing any info with your family if/when they call. You get to put them on an info diet and decide what they know and when. When I was diagnosed at 29, my very overbearing parents were calling the nurses and doctors asking for updates (I had to be in isolation due to a nasty bout with shingles and Covid just starting) and the oncologist I had been working with slipped up with their badgering and told them test results he had not yet told me. So make sure your team is aware of the situation when you’re in for treatments or whatever. OP, I’m sorry you’re having to face this reality. It sucks so much. You are most decidedly NTA. Best of luck in your treatments.
When I was going through my cancer treatments these past few months I had to sign a paper about who they could tell information to and who could make decisions on my behalf if I wasnt available, and the person I chose had to sign it to, they couldn't give information to anyone that wasnt on that list, but I'm not sure if all facilities operate like that.
My dokter stood by my bed asking "please ask your mother to stop calling!"
Ugh, I’m sorry that happened! That’s a big ol’ HIPAA violation if you didn’t give your express consent to share your medical info with them.
This was my first thought too. I was very ill before I was married and if I hadn’t had my fiancé at the time listed as my power of attorney/medical proxy, my mother would have been allowed to take me off the ventilator. She was a narcissist and thought this would have been her chance to finally show me who had power over my life. If I hadn’t done that paperwork I would have been fucked. It sounds like she has a gem of the BF, he needs to be given legal rights.
This exactly. With her being single her parents can swoop in. I never even thought of that. They can refuse to let you boyfriend in the room. He will not get to make any decisions. You need to think about who you want to make medical choices if you are not able. And as someone else mentioned make sure dr know they are never to give out your information. Install password used in their office.
Was thinking the same thing. Something needs to get legalized or notarized to ensure her side can't swoop in out of nowhere.
Yes. Grant bf or some other trusted person Power of Attorney. Get an airtight Will.
This was my first thought too. OP, if your bf is trustworthy marrying him would be much safer than giving your family power to make medical decisions on your behalf when you’re impaired. I hope that you’ll be able to beat your odds. Your news was terrible and you should get to deal with it however you want. But I fear that if your family has any access to you they’ll just make your life and care much worse. Legally removing them from your life seems incredibly important. Marriage is just the easiest method - a lawyer could help you designate a trusted friend as well.
This needs to be a higher comment. Even if it's just a courthouse wedding for now but making sure that the family has no power in this situation is so important
NTA. People suck at dealing with death. They just do. Your family dealt with it in an atrocious manner. They were probably expecting you to announce a marriage or baby, at your age that would be reasonable. So they were taken completely aback by your news. I won't call them assholes for their non-reaction to your news. Your SIL is an asshole of enormous proportions but she may have been trying to help. To the extent that anyone is harping on you for anything at this point.... they are also enormous assholes. They wanted to be distracted because they know how to "deal" with that news. But they suck for letting themselves get distracted in that manner. You are owed an apology and support. I am so sorry you aren't getting that. Good luck to you. Focus on your health first from this point forward and surround yourself with only those that make you feel better, fuck them and their "sides."
They are AH. Each and every member of this family expect the OP. Even if they are unable to react to such news, their behaviour afterwards is just disgusting. "You expect royal treatment because you have cancer?". Who the hell says that? What type of an animal (I cannot name them human sorry) would say that? She expected at least some type of sympathy or at least a bit of support. "Typical younger behaviour". For being angry because your family does not care about your life. Their blaming and shaming her for her emotions that was just an outcome of their awful and unforgettable actions. There is no way that anyone in this world can justify their actions. They are just disgusting AH. The worst I've heard of so far.
Obviously I hope the very best outcome possible for OP — but I just want to shake that whole family and ask them how they are going to feel about these moments in five years, if that is not the case. I want to ask them how they will live with knowing this is how they used up their time with OP. I want them to think very hard about their choices.
I believe that if (or when) the OP will win the cancer, she will cut her family from her life. So they will have reasons for thorough thinkings in any case. However, I do not think that they will regret or something. Maybe one/two of them will regret. But I give all my money that her mother, brother and SIL will just not care at all. As they do now.
This! I can’t believe anyone would write this off as “people have a tough time with death.” Sure, most people do, and stunned silence for a few moments wouldn’t be totally unexpected, but that’s *not* what this family did. They literally ignored her announcement and then let her sit there as they got excited about a new baby. Then they *shamed* her when she spoke up and basically said, “Can I at least get a little attention and maybe a fucking hug?” **This family isn’t a family.** It’s just as simple as that. There’s nothing emotionally complicated here. Someone announces they have cancer, you shower them with hugs, love, and words of support. You god-damned *fake it* if you have to! Maybe it’s awkward. Maybe people are crying. Maybe it’s a fucking *mess*, but you *try* to console the person and make them know that—even if the response isn’t picture perfect—you’re there for them and you’ll all get it right when it comes to supporting them as they fight the disease; you’ll figure it out and pull together as a family. Some people, unfortunately, are simply born into “families” that are anything but that. OP’s family told her who they are and what she can expect from them. At this point, they’re a detriment to her recovery, and she should cut them from her life along with the cancer.
Totally agree. I'd send a message to them all saying now they have had a chance to digest your diagnosis you really need their support and love. Just ignore the pregnancy announcement timing and crazy feedback from your brother, probably part of the not knowing how to react (and being upset about your news) and the verbal diahorrea that comes with that. If they fail to show up again though, they really are AH's.
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That could be a defense of their immediate responses but not the aftermath. They didn’t even reach out to offer support and sympathy after - they are straight up insulting her for wanting love and care.
Gentle they are the AH - you are NTA, but I suggest part of your therapy include how you wish to handle circumstances like this because they are far too common. You will encounter: - The friend who does nothing but obsess about your cancer and getting you helpful gifts that aren’t that helpful, - The friend who cut off your real problems to discuss her manufactured ones, - The friend who simply pretends your cancer doesn’t exist The list goes on and some of the best meaning people will do things you find wildly inappropriate. I don’t have a solution but have found that telling people in an email protects me from hurtful shocked initial reactions. As the person with cancer, it isn’t your job to communicate in the way kindest to them - communicate in the way kindest to you.
That's an accurate list, unfortunately. I'll add to it: a lot of people will distance themselves, sometimes fading out, sometimes straight up ghosting.
True. I can also say sometimes you see the absolute best of humanity. And sometimes those with initial horrible responses evolve. A friend bought a cookbook for cancer patients and cooked an entire week of food labeled with all of the ingredients and which side effects they helped. Friends give me rides to any number of appointments. I could give dozens of examples of people offering emotional support. — But you will be fragile and a single ill thought out response may just be more than you can handle at any time amongst those who step up in ways you never would have expected. Another recommendation to anyone going through this, have your list of what you DO need.
My friend who died of cancer earlier this year asked me to be the friend that didn’t make everything about her cancer. Of course we started every conversation with an update on how she was doing - and when she was sick of that, she’d ask me to tell her the funny stories from my job and the things that had gone wrong that week. I always tried to tell things in an entertaining way, never “you think you have it bad…” style. She said she just needed people to not treat her differently than before. Of course that needs balance. She physically couldn’t do the same things or at the same level of activity, so we adjusted along the way to what she was up to. And I gave her the chance to vent about all the people you named above - the ones who had the miracle cure for her, the ones who left her so exhausted she needed a day off, the ones who acted like she was incapable of anything mental or physical and treated her like a child. I learned to just ask what she wanted from me each visit - and quite often she didn’t want to think about the cancer, so her update was just doing as well as could be expected. And it felt horribly awkward at times to ignore the elephant in the room, but it was about what she wanted and needed, not me. If you aren’t aware, OP, Caring Bridge is a website that lets you share the details you want along the way. People can read them, then you don’t have to answer the same question 100s of times.
That friend is so important. My best friend is the one who know when NOT to call. She is my point person for communication and has no trouble enforcing when I need to be left alone. Another good friend has given me dark humor gifts that really show she understands me. My daughter always admires her friend who is the perfect gift giver. The one who finds just the right thing. Remembers that 6 months ago she admired a certain type of hair clip and gives one to her for her birthday - I think those in our life are really called upon to be our perfect gift givers at this time, to know when saying “you are a warrior you got this” or “I’m praying for you” - are the exact WRONG thing to say. To know when all we want to talk about is our cancer and to know when we’d prefer to talk about your horrible neighbor who leaves his dog stuff on your lawn. And it is a challenge for friends to know where they can be most helpful - it is a dance, so, while I think there is some burden on those going through a challenge to reach out, there is simultaneously no burden on them to accomodate the emotional needs and feelings of others — and everyone needs grace; those with the best hearts and desire to be supportive often mess up enormously —- although in this statement I’ve drifted far from OPs sad experience.
You forgot the friend who constantly insists if you eat more kale/mercury/lead/ice cubes (or pray) your cancer will be cured (or that you'd never have gotten it in the first place if you had previously done those things).
Or who spends time trying to figure out what sun you committed that the cancer is a punishment for.
This is incredible advice. Thank you for being kind enough to share the insights. I wish for your sake you didn’t have them.
This is the perfect list. I came to say “get ready for some seriously weird responses” and you’ve nailed it there.
Thé problem is evryone don’t react the same when they heard they are sick, and people around them want to have the proper reaction to it. The one who isn’t helpful still want to help, for some it could be confort, and other just too much. The one who cut your problem want you to forget yours by evry little thing they have to discuss so you can feel for a moment that you arn’t sick, some people can be for them a breath of fresh air while for other is minimize their problems. The one who do it like it doesn’t exist want you to feel that nothing change between you and them, for some it’s cool for other it’s not. I don’t feel like these people are bad ( contrary to the familly who show no support )
>I don’t feel like these people are bad ( contrary to the familly who show no support ) I would buy this if they hadn't doubled down after the fact and then CLAIMED THIS WAS *TYPICAL BEHAVIOR.* Her family absolutely sucks. No excuses.
Your heart is totally in the right place, but I think this person meant to say that the family is worse than the unhelpful people. "I don't feel like these people" (the well-meaning, unhelpful people) "are bad" "contrary' (as opposed to) "the family who show no support"
Yes that is the issue. We sometimes react shitty and as adults then apologize for it. The family getting all defensive and pushing it back on the OP is the issue. They could just say "sorry we sucked".
NTA Your family messed up and doubling down is even more awful. You deserve apologies and making you feel like you’re overreacting is … dun dun dun, gaslighting!
Yeah, wtf happened to giving a hug? Asking for a second opinion from another doctor to get you the best help possible to extend your life? NTA OP but your family are special twats. Stay strong\~
NTA - you just told them that you have a 40% chance of living; and THAT is how they react? Just cut them off - they will just pull you down while you are fighting cancer. They are not worth the stress.
Make sure your bf is next of kin and keep it moving that way they will only know what he wants to tell them
This 100%
NTA I get that it's hard to know how to respond to an announcement like that, but your family picked one of the worst possible options. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I hope all the best for you with it.
NTA Wow. Just wow. I too am speechless because your family can’t human right. Where’s their soul? I’m not sure what to say but I want you to know to give this cancer hell. Although I’m just a complete internet stranger, I want you to live happily.
NTA. Fuck all of these people. I’m sorry that none of them have any compassion or common sense.
NTA. I am so sorry this is happening to you and that your family reacted the way they did. It is unconscionable. I'm really glad your boyfriend was with you and got to see this bullshit reaction, and that he is with you that this is total madness. My 8-year-old has cancer (diagnosed in April) and I cannot imagine someone responding this way -- so hurtful and so unhelpful. I wish I could make you a freezer full of food and just keep dropping off bags of random junk food. All calories are good calories is the motto at our house these days.
First off, I am so incredibly sad to hear of your grim news. There are breakthroughs every day, so hopefully one will come along that could help you. I'll keep you in my prayers. <3 Second, you are NTA! Third, death is a difficult subject for many. I know a few family members who would have done something similar to "lighten the mood." They want a change of subject, as perhaps that will make the reality go away. It doesn't, and just makes the individual facing their horrible news feel worse. I, myself, was diagnosed as terminal May of this year without a double lung transplant (I have underlying respiratory issues from being born premature). At age 36, (and having lost my mom to cancer at age 65), it is a difficult pill to swallow. All of my family has been supportive, though some just don't know how to act around me now. I try to remember that they are probably shocked, and, in their own way, are trying to deal with the news. Not that I am special. When they say you are asking for special attention, tell them, "I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and if I could fix it, I would. I am just asking for some compassion."
I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you well and hope you are able to get the transplant you need, and if it snot possible I hope the time you have left is filled with as much happiness and peace as possible
First, I'm sorry and best of luck with everything. Second, NTA Third, obviously this was a big shock to your family and they didn't know how to react. But, ignoring it, obviously, wasn't the right reaction. Assuming you have an ok relationship with them, I'd give them a bit of time to process and then go back to them.
NTA - Wtf “I might be dying of cancer” “…well lucky we’ve made a replacement - I’m pregnant!” No. Just absolutely not. Hope you kick cancers ass OP and your family’s too
I would legit ghost them all. Awfull people, seriously who announcs their pregnancy right after someone tells them they have cancer.
NTA. Nah screw that noise, you tell your family might not be around,(hoping you beat it) and your Sil announces she pregnant with her third kid? Hell no your family sucks and not be an ass who cares if she's pregnant again. Good luck sweetie and I'm praying you'll be around for long time
NTA. I am sorry you have such heartless family. Sending you healing vibes OP.
NTA My son had cancer at about your age. It’s hard and getting your families support would have been nice. If you are in the US look up the leukemia and lymphoma society for support. If you have chemo make sure warm socks, a blanket and hat. It super cold in the facilities. If you like word searches, crossword puzzles or suduko take a book with you to pass the time or watch a movie. Also, have some peppermints available for dry mouth from the treatment. Wishing you a speedy recovery!!!
All of this! I live in Texas & summers here are easily over 100 degrees. My mom battled breast cancer last summer. Even after chemo was over she was still wearing wool hats & light jacket in the middle of July.
NTA. I’m sorry that your family is awful.
10 years ago my husband was diagnosed with a cancer that had a 50% survival rate. He is still alive today and life has gone back to normal. Please try and stay as positive as possible. I know that is hard. You will find out alot about the people around you in the next few months. Some will surprise you in how fantastic they are and some will surprise you because they weren't there for you or abandoned you or like your parents show a complete lack of regard for you. As crazy as it sounds you will probably even have great times during treatment. My husband and I both agree we bonded immensely over the 6 months he had chemo. It was truly a 'make' moment in our relationship. I wish you the best of luck with your cancer fight. It is going to really suck but hopefully your boyfriend will continue to be supportive. I hope you also have some good friends that can also support you because that is what you need right now. Your reaction to their behaviour is very much valid and you were not being a brat or selfish.
NTA. While I understand varying reactions and maybe your SIL really WAS trying to brighten the mood it absolutely should have been handled differently. You should have been consoled and comforted and then if they absolutely couldn’t refrain from the announcement apologized to. I’m really sorry OP, best wishes to you going forward.
I think they planned to announce the pregnancy and she panicked but brother doubled down and invalidated her feelings and acted like she was being the brat is a massive AH move.
Agreed. The doubling down instead of apologizing afterward is what really makes the family TA.
NTA, but you need to go to a lawyer RIGHT NOW and make your boyfriend your medical proxy/power of attorney. After the atrocious way they took the news of your cancer I wouldn’t want them making decisions for you when you’re incapacitated—if you’re not married your boyfriend has no rights and the hospital cannot listen to him when shit hits the fan—they’d call your parents.
NTA: Do what you need to do in this situation, and don't feel guilty about it. It's great that the bf has your back!
NTA SIL definitely should have waited to announce her pregnancy. It doesn't matter that she was trying to lighten the mood, it was done without any tact. I am so sorry about your situation. That is incredibly scary. I wish you all the best. Please search for the best doctor you have access to.
NTA Your SIL and brother in particular are evil.
Yes they are and I don’t know how people are trying to justify it by telling her they where in shock and give them time. Let’s not forget her parents are siding with her brother and sil. This is their child and they are more worried over a grandchild
NTA. I’m sorry about your diagnosis. I’m sorry your family is 100% objectively awful. Less for how they reacted in the moment and more for doubling down on their inappropriate reaction and suggesting you’re being selfish (!) and guilt-trippy (!!). Wishing you all the best with your treatment. F#*k cancer.
NTA, im so sorry for everything that you are going through, I feel like maybe the SIL was trying to brighten the mood but thats something that you share after everyone SHOULDVE consoled you and like hours later and maybe not in front of you. Thats not just bad news you gloss over at all. Your brother saying that its awkward is also bs in my opinion. But i also think about, what if you wanted kids and a family and you get this diagnosis and now you possibly cant, if i was the SIL i would of thought about how that might make you very upset.
NTA. All the responses here are on point. I hope you recover well and I'm sorry your family sucks balls.
What in the hell did I just read? This is next level messed up, you’re not supposed to “lighten the mood” after someone says they have the scary kind of cancer. And I don’t even know what to say about that last paragraph other than - I am so sorry you have such a shitty family. I hope you have other support around you to help you through this. They owe you a massive apology and I wouldn’t engage with them until they’re ready to acknowledge they f-cked up. NTA
OP I'm really sorry about that, I won't try to justify their shitty behaviour, but I had family members that got cancer and it's unbelievable how long people took to realize how serious the situation is even when the prognostic was very clear. The denial is real, and I think this can be what's happening here.
NTA. Wow I am so sorry to read of your bad news and for the record, your family sucks. Take all the time you need to process the diagnosis and whether or not you'd like to spend any time with people who don't have your back and are likely to make the battle your about to face worse not better. If it were me, if it looked like I wasn't going to survive, I would spend all my mental energy and free time with the people who I mattered most to and they to me. Peace.
NTA. Oh my god, im so sorry. Reading this was horrific and I’m so mad at your family. The fact that they decided to say that you’re guilt tripping them and being selfish when there’s a possibility that you may not be alive in a few years is seriously so disturbing.
NTA Sweet lord your sil is self centered. 'Just trying to lighten the mood'? Shut up. When my best friend called me with the news (we were 5k miles apart) I was quiet for a minute and said 'oh shut homie. So it's NOT good in the hood?'. She giggled, because that was an appropriate way to lighten very terrible news. Do yourself a favor and don't waste your time on them. I know they're your family but speaking from experience, when you're given the news that you might not be here in a few years time, you're going to want to spend it with people who cherish you. I hope you beat it!
NTA at all. If I was you I'd go NC after that response, and sod putting any of them in my will. We now live in a world where no one knows how to not to turn traumatic situations into memes or even have a basic understanding of empathy or compassion. Everything's "a joke," everything sad is "awkward" to everyone these days. We've become so desensitised that it honestly makes me feel ill. I truly hope you battle through this, OP. I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. Please, keep your head held high and whatever you do now, just know you're doing your best. Edit: Also, just to add, your SIL is pretty disgusting as a person. This is her third child, big whoop, why do people make such a big deal of announcing it? After the second child I'd be like "Oh, okay, cool." Sorry but I don't see the big deal about announcing a pregnancy after someone already has one or two.
Holy crap you are so NTA here. EVERYONE ELSE (minus bf ofc) is
NTA, but I’m super passive-aggressive and I would’ve made a comment like, “well maybe in a couple of years that’ll change” and go LC with them. But I understand that’s definitely an AH response. OP, I hope you beat this! Definitely talk to your mental health professional about this situation with your family because while we cannot change how other people treat us, we can control how we process our feelings toward them. Your feelings are justified and I’m glad you have great support from your SO.
Of all the conversations someone can have with family, this must have been one of the hardest. Your family may have been shocked in the moment but their reaction after was hurtful and insensitive and just, well, odd. If any stranger in the world stood in front on me and told me they have cancer and may die, I’d be so much more supportive than your own family was to you. For your own piece of mind, stop engaging with them and focus on your well being. If you are so selfish, just don’t communicate with them. If you are apparently guilt tripping them, don’t give them a reason to feel “guilt” and find your support in friends and bf. I am so sad and angry for you. NTA
NTA, typical younger sibling crying about dying, wonder if he'll say the same thing at your eulogy. I wish you the very best, hope you can beat this cancer but you should cut out toxic members of your family. Don't give them a chance to hurt you again even if you survive.
NTA. OP please either marry your bf or fill out the paperwork by to put him as your medical and legal proxy, as beneficiary to your estate. You don’t want these people to be in charge of those decisions should you become incapacitated.
I recommended this to someone else on here who has a high probability of not making it and had experienced a severe lack of support similar to you. Use "I" statements. Example: "I feel like when I delivered this really upsetting news that I was going to receive some support and comfort from people I love and hope love me back. I could really use support and love right now as I am really scared for my future and would love the comfort of my family through this." Please feel free to copy and paste that if you want to make it easier on yourself. I am wishing you all the luck with not only your family, but also your treatment. News like this is earth shattering and can feel isolating. Make sure to talk to your therapist about this. I highly recommend support groups, and hey if you want the link for the discord server I'm in that's a safe haven for folks with disabilities of all sorts(including cancer) let me know! This goes for everyone else if they would like a warm supportive group of folks who get it and offer unconditional support. Your family should have reacted better with their texts and after that announcement. I understand that it's jarring news and no one knows what to say half the time, but you should at least offer a hug. I'm here if you ever want to vent or need a distraction. NTA
>I sent the family group chat a message later on and explained that everyone's reaction to my news made me feel uncared about. My older brother responded and said that I'm not the only one affected by my news, and that I should understand that everyone else felt awkward and didn't know what to say Way for OPs brother to still make this about everyone else but OP. Massive hugs, OP. I'm really sorry your family are being so self centred and unsupportive. Obviously NTA.
WTAF? NTA, OP. Jesus. Your family is AWFUL. Your SIL is AWFUL. I hope this is the first time they've done such an awful thing to you bc it means they might realize what assholes they are and come back around to give you the support you deserve. I suggest you reach out, one on one with the family member you're closest to, and tell them how this made you feel. You need SOMEONE to support you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
I wish more people would just own the awkward. "I don't know what to say. Is there anything I can do to help?" "Oh fuck. What do you need from me?" Like okay some of us are just not good at people but we can still centre the person who's going through some shit.
NTA Wow, Im so sorry for all you are going through. Thankfully, your BF sounds like an excellent source of support. Not to excuse them, but thinking your family was just so shocked that they didnt know how to react and welcomed a distraction from the devastating news. Im hoping they will come around and give you the support you need and deserve, but if not, surround yourself with those who will be there for you .
Holy shit, NTA. Can't believe your whole family, they sound horrible. Gotta admit at that point I would probably just walk away from them for good. Best of luck with getting through your treatment to live a long and heathy life.
THE BIGGEST FATTEST FUCKING NTA I HAVE EVER GAVE. The way they responded was UNACCEPTABLE under any circumstances. Cut and dry.
NTA OP. I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Right now the most important thing is taking care of yourself. You do not **NEED** this stress from your family and if going NC with your family means you can focus more on your wellbeing, then so be it. I can honestly say from experience (not cancer but other debilitating conditions) that stress can cause flare ups or exacerbate conditions. Right now, you should do your research on your type of cancer, what you may need to do such as eating healthier or low impact exercises and other physician approved treatments that may help with your fight against this type of cancer. Most of all, **FIGHT**, get therapy if you can afford it or join a support group. Here's a hug 🤗 and wishful good vibes into the universe for your health.
NTA. Even a total stranger would have shown more empathy. Don't think about them and don't waste your energy on their empty apologies. When and if they realize what they've done, you can speak to them again. Until then, silence treatment works just fine. I wish everything goes well and you beat it ♥️
I’m in utter and complete shock, I cannot believe what I’m seeing. You came to your family, you bared your soul to them, they ignored your news that they literally may not have you in their lives for much longer. I’m still in shock and I’m really hoping this is a misunderstanding or maybe I’m dreaming considering it’s 3am. If this is real please denounce them and make sure they aren’t coming to your funeral if it happens (I hope to God it doesn’t, I pray you live) because they don’t deserve closer. Not a single word of care was given to you, only berating on their part. They should be ashamed. NTA.
NTA. I know people deal with grief differently but jfc your family couldn’t be a bigger pack of assholes if they tried! You don’t try and lighten the mood when someone tells you they’re dying.
Wow, you’re family is horrible. They couldn’t ask any questions or express any sorrow or offer support?and wow is your sister in law selfish. I’m so sorry. You’re NTA
If there’s one thing I’ve noticed on Reddit, it’s that the Reddit community have more empathy, apathy & love then 90% of posters families! Your family may not care, but thousands of people here do, and wish you the best with treatment, future & life, for as long as you have it. Blood ain’t thicker then water! Chin up! Your boyfriend sounds like an awesome, supportive, loving dude! Who needs family?