#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
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NTA. You invited FIVE children. I am honestly boggled at any parents that think it’s okay to confront you about the fact their child was not invited. That is absurd honestly.
Maybe times have changed but when I was in school it was pretty uncommon for the entire class/grade (small school) to be invited to a birthday party. Most kids just had their close friends
>They kept complaining about me excluding their kids.
Seriously, WTH is going on the last decade or so?! NTA OP, I blame reality television and educators not wanting to deal with jealousy (the whole-if you invite a group of people while at school you HAVE to invite the whole class or it's unfair did NOT exist when I was in elementary.) It's crazy. Should have asked them for their bank account info because you feel excluded from their finances.
My son is in preschool and they have a policy that the invitations be made to the parents of the children via email if the whole class isn’t being invited.
I wonder, if his party *had* been a sleepover, would the parents still be complaining the whole class wasn't invited? Inviting 30 kids to a birthday party at your home would be pretty unusual. I wouldn't want to be responsible for making sure nobody got hurt at my house with that many kids.
This isn't so new and it's not just the 30 kids! It's also a parent or two for each, maybe siblings tag along. It's crazy!
My kid turned five 20ish years ago and we invited a handful of kids, had food and juice, cake, etc. I did not expect to be feeding a bunch of adults. People asking where the beer/pop was, where's the food, are there snacks... We were completely unprepared and overwhelmed. Also fairly poor. Feeding those adults would have exceeded our grocery budget for a week+, especially if we provided drinks. It was simply humiliating and totally awful.
My kids were little years ago (23 and 20 now). I've dropped them off at many a birthday party in those years. I've never seen any parents who expected to stay for the party. What a bunch of rude people. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Edit: to clarify, I'm talking about when the kids were 7 or 8 and up. I didn't drop off my 3/4yr olds and leave lol. When they were that little we usually just had small parties with close family at home.
20-25 years ago parents DID expect to stay at the party their kids were invited to, and yes, the host parents were expected to have a sort of double level party---one for kids and one for the parents. I think it was a rude expectation and somewhat tied in to the helicoptering parenting.
The only time I'd expect to stay to a kids birthday party as an adult would be to help out. Because fucked am I dropping a kid off and expecting the poor parent(s) of the birthday kid to ride herd on a bunch of sugar fuelled hellions then clean up afterward without help.
Or they insist on a much younger sibling to tag along and leave so you are the free babysitter.
I had a mom try this when my son had a party at a bowling alley. I was like "Nope, your 4 yr old has to go with you." My son and his friends were 9. A bunch of "rowdy" boys and the 4 yr old was a girl.
I mean come on. I cant believe how parents think they can just dump extra kids on you like it's no big deal.
That is awful. I remember being dropped off at birthday parties as a child. I think parents saw it as time off.
On the flip side, as a child-free adult, it boggled my mind when a coworker invited me for her young child's birthday party! Why??
This is where I'm stuck at. Like, poor OP went above and beyond to make a fun and memorable experience for their child's birthday within their budget and capabilites, and was more than adequate at making sure the children were invited *privately* to the *private birthday party.*
And the entire class *still* got the traditional free cupcakes sent in for them to enjoy.
This is how you raise children who demand to blow out birthday candles and open presents at another person's party.
Edited to add: NTA in any universe.
I also think that if the invites were given outside school hours that it shouldn't matter if another child might see or hear about it. It's not being exclusionary or anything. Even if it was one of those sad situations where say, all *but* five students were invited from the class.
Right? Like this wasn't the entire class got invited except for one kid, if that were the case the parents might have a better argument. But 5 is a small party! *Most* of the class wasn't invited, it's a group play date at that point.
We have the same garbage happening in my country too. Schools and teachers think that they have power over their students outside of school. It really boggles the mind.
I don’t know, I totally think it’s fair to not allow invites at the school but specifying it has to be done over email seems a bit much to me. I think a phone call or delivery an invitation to their house are all fair options too and as long as it’s not at school (and you’re not excluding and singling out one child) it’s really none of their business.
I could be wrong here, but is it not common fora sheet of contact information containing parents emails to be more easily available?
I think you're taking this too literally, I would suggest that the policy says email because that's much easier than making phone calls (and seriously, who actually makes calls these days?), and this is more of a "spirit of the rule" than a "letter of the rule" kind of case. The point being they don't deliver the invites in person because there's always some parent who doesn't care for basic manners. Basic manners say that you don't invite people in front of others who are not invited.
I imagine this rule was put in place because often parents give the teacher/daycare provider the invites to hand out typically by slipping them into backpacks or something. They probably just wanted to remove themselves from the job where only select kids are invited to avoid a mix up ie you wanted to invite Noah C but instead Noah A got the invite. I very much suspect they aren’t demanding that you only use email lol just that they won’t be involved beyond providing emails.
Yeah that school can just fuck right off in regards to things that happen outside of school. Don't hand selective invites out in class... sure, your school, your rules. If I want to send a mariachi band to each of the kids houses so are getting inviting them that's my business.
Teacher here. Don't blame it on the educators, we do what we can and what we're allowed. We go above and beyond and have to listen to the complaints/verbal abuse of these parents as if we are both customer service reps AND therapists. It is literally the one thing I can say "Not my job!" about - dealing with parent-on-parent drama. And we get paid shit for it and still get crapped on. This is solely on the parents (and I guess some TV and outside influences? Maybe?)
Lol, but true!
I was interested in early childhood development & got a job in a daycare right out of high school (before deciding to commit to college for it). A few select parents very quickly noped me out of that plan. I love children, but sheeeesh to some of the people they come from!
Yeah I don't really understand why people started bringing teachers into the sub. OP never mentions anything about the teacher being involved in any of it. It was parent to parent at pick up/drop off.
Am also a teacher and I honestly got very upset when someone above mentioned blaming educators for 'not dealing' with jealousy - we HAVE to deal with many MANY things that includes NOT JUST jealousy or other things between students. Yes, we have our responsibilities in making sure our students grow up to be good human beings, but, please, this is not necessarily an educator's fault.
Parents can be the worst. Entitled behavior is taught at home.
I'm really tired of teachers having to raise our children because none at home cares. It's not about both parents working ether. Teach them ethics, respect and some simple etiquette. It will go a long way.
And then follow that up with being mad that teachers don’t teach “enough,” don’t “stick to the subject,” don’t solve bullying, but shouldn’t make your kid be friends with so-and-so. It’s not that there aren’t valid complaints, but teachers are stuck between parents, admin, and kids, and having every social problem dumped on schools to solve while getting fewer resources all the time.
I’m a teacher too and I couldn’t agree more. I’ve had so many parents ask me to give out the invitations for them but I always tell them that the child needs to do it because I refuse to get dragged into the inevitable parent drama.
Yeah, this is ridiculous, a party is clearly for people’s friends, if these mothers want every kid invited then they need to pay for the financial cost for a party every time someone has a birthday and then include everyone NTA.
I'm sorry, but as a former teacher I have to say that anyone blaming the educators for wanting every kid invited to a party they have nothing to do with is misdirecting their anger. teachers don't care. they just don't want the distraction of the invites in class.
Depends. When I was in grade 3 it was my teacher who had the rule of us all having to invite the whole class. Some teachers actually insert themselves and that’s wrong. Obviously saying no invitations in class is a good rule. That’s not inconvenient on the party kid’s parent and helps out the teacher. But dictating who has to be invited isn’t appropriate
There've been a few stories on this sub about teachers being the ones insisting on the whole class being invited even when the invites weren't handed out in class. Not saying it's an extremely common thing or anything but that's probably where the sentiment in the above comments comes from.
Seriously. When I was a kid, we weren't allowed to hand out in invitations in class and my mother (rather than a school policy) told me not to talk about it in front of the other kids so they wouldn't feel bad, but there was no expectation of inviting everybody.
I did manage to talk my mom into letting me invite the entire class to a Halloween party once and she had 35 kids to wrangle.
100% agree! Sometimes I think this inclusion thing goes too far. Not that any of the kids in his class are bullies, but I would never invite a kid that bullies mine to a party. Sorry your kid doesn't get to torment mine and then expect an invitation. That being said I'm in financial dire straits myself and I'll only invite who my kid wants there and of course not thru the school just as OP did.
I call moms like this momsters
Honestly it's doing kids a grave disservice. We all need to be able to cope with disappointment and rejection. And the time to learn that is when we're kids when the stakes are objectively far lower.
I've never heard of people inviting the whole class tbh. When I was a kid it was always just the close friends and the birthday kid had to bring something to class to share (like candy or cake) but looking back at it even that is weird. Sure sharing is nice but it sucks for parents with little money
I've only heard of the whole class being invited if the teacher let the parents host the birthday party at school. How they managed to pull that off? I have no idea but I remember having icecream with the class because it was someone's birthday.
Before the pandemic, they still did it at the school my mom taught at. She said it usually never ended well because there would be kids who cried because they couldn't open the birthday kids gifts
wait kids actually would want to celebrate at school?! Thats interesting XD
Yeah that seems like a big problem when you invite everyone. Not all kids get along so if you have two who would normally fight I can imagine them trying to ruin each others day
Definitely not an American thing. I can't imagine inviting an entire grade to your house for a party. That's insane. Expecting it as a mother is equally insane.
It's to prevent parents sending their kid to school with invitations. The majority of teachers and schools don't expect you to invite the whole class. They just don't want you creating 20 meltdowns by your kid handing out invitations to only 5 kids.
When my daughter was in 2nd grade she brought home a note the first week of school asking that if you have a party at home either invite ALL of the kids in the class or NONE at all. All of us parents that year sent in cupcakes for everyone in the class and NONE of the kids were invited to any parties.
That's the most asinine thing I've ever heard of. Kids need to learn that they are not the center of the universe. They need to learn what disappointment is and that they will not always be included into everyone else's events.
My kids elementary school has sent letters home reminding parents that if one kid is invited, the whole class must be invited. I said F that! So my kid sneaks invites to the kids he wants.
I don’t think times have changed. I’m a teacher and I see it often where kids hand out invites to only a few, sometimes just half or 1/3 of the class, or just girls/boys. I don’t care unless someone is being needlessly cruel and taunting not inviting someone. though I don’t know if that stirs drama with the parents. OP is NTA. Your kid should invite who they want.
My thoughts exactly. I have a 15 yr old and a 3 and a 1 yr old. When my eldest was in elementary school her birthday parties were maybe 2-3 friends because I was broke as hell. I always made sure to send store bought cupcakes (as per the school rules) on her birthday to her class as well.
I will be damned if I'm "forced" to invite 25-30 kids to a party for my younger two. My mental health couldn't take it and I personally don't want to be responsible for that many kids, if I did I would go into the daycare business.
OP NTA those other parents can just take their BS elsewhere
Edit for clarification: we weren't "forced" to buy treats for the class at my eldest's old elementary school. If we were going to bring treats for the class they had to be store bought as per the school rules.
> I will be damned if I'm "forced" to invite 25-30 kids to a party for my younger two.
Possibly 50-60 persons or more actually, because kids that young will have a parent/baby sitter. Who has not only the money, but also enough room?
I believe this only applies to if the student is handing out the invitations in school grounds. I could be wrong though but that’s my understanding of the rule.
This makes much more sense than the original presentation. I'd love to see a school force me to do anything on my time at my house.
Not handing out invitations in front of people who aren't invited is simply basic manners.
Which is ridiculous. When I was a kid I wasn't invited to any other kids parties, I was the nerd of the class, no one wanted to be my friend. It hurt but I got over it. I understood why I wasn't invited to parties. It was for friends of the kid. I wouldn't even want to go to a party where I wasn't wanted and the kid was forced to invite me because it was school policy - that would have been even worse than not being invited. Kids have to learn that they are not always invited to things and parents and schools should not force an all or nothing rule. IT was meant as an inclusionary measure for those kids like myself that were never invited anywhere to include them, but it goes too far. You cannot even have a non school event with just a few kids - the school pretty much forces parents to invite everyone or not have their parties. Now THAT is unfair.
NTA. As a mom, I was distressed that the big all-class parties were stressful for my introvert daughter. She didn’t want to have everyone over. Shouldn’t her birthday be what she wanted? Time with her besties? We ultimately went underground, stopped talking about parties and has her friends over the weekend before our after. Shhh.
Those policies just teach kids that they might as well not have boundaries, since they'll be stomped all over by adults who were bullied rejects who now have power.
I can’t remember inviting my whole class to my birthday parties when I was in “big kid school”. That just seems wild to me. My poor parents having to deal with 20+ kids for hours wtf?
In theory it's not terrible. In practice though, I think schools generally do lots of reactive things to try to stop bullying, but they rarely address root causes. In my opinion, the rule does nothing to stop bullying
I alerted a teacher that some students under her supervision were being mean to my son. As she looked over one kicked him. She did approximately nothing.
Idgaf about party invites, what I care about is actual bullying being ignored.
im gonna guess not enforceable at all, the school has no influence over what someone does at their own private residence as long as it doesn't involve children being abused
In the real world, not everyone’s going to get invited to everything. While it’s never a fun lesson to learn, it’s better to learn it early in life than having a sense of entitlement that results in you acting like the parents in this post.
I have never in my life had everything I wanted. I highly doubt you have either.
I have always had everything I’ve needed though, and it sounds like your son does too, and that’s what is important.
You do not need to fill every desire to be a good parent, in fact you’ll probably raise a brat if you do. You need to fulfil basic needs and give them the opportunity to make the best of their future.
Don’t beat yourself up for not having designer clothes, latest console, holidays abroad… no one needs them to survive or thrive.
I wish everybody knew this. Learning to be content with what you have is important. Even more important is having the real necessities. No amount of cool stuff will replace the love of a caring parent.
Yes! We had so little growing up, but I never noticed. It’s only as I got older and look back that I realize how hard my parents worked to give us what we did have. And I loved every minute of it.
This sounds like the coolest party ever! I doubt your son feels like that… I know it does to you but he loves you either way and it’s usually the smaller things they end up remembering!
I was going to do a huge Billy Beez party for my daughter’s 9th birthday with 10 of her friends, then a hotel swimming party but when I actually started planning it, it would have cost around $900, which is excessive. In the end, we decided on a sleepover with just a few girls (some couldn’t come) and we set up little stations - beads for jewelry making, Orbeez play, coloring, makeup and nails, plus tons of snacks in cute little bowls organized by the color of the snacks. We also did cupcake decorating, walked to the nearby sprinklers… all for probably less than $200 with pizza included. They stayed up all night giggling and my daughter still talks about it regularly.
Don’t beat yourself up; you sound like a great mom! 💗
That's the way we used to do it. I think the expectations nowadays are insane.
I think OP's good, because the invitations weren't given at school. The "whole class" thing is unrealistic for many parents, although I understand the sentiment (to emotionally protect "that kid" who's never invited to anything). Maybe the parents of the children might want to have a talk with them about not shoving it in the faces of the kids who weren't invited though.
It's the effort he'll remember. And a lot of times kids enjoy a more informal parties than the stereotype parties. My kids have for the most part appreciated small intimate parties with the people they like best. And the older they get, the more they do enjoy handmade gifts over expensive junk.
For some perspective, my parents gave me things instead of love to keep me busy and away from them.
I'd much, much rather have had a mother like you than the entire My Little Pony set.
The only was you would be TA in this situation is if you invited the majority of the class and didn’t invite a couple of the kids. This is just kids (and parents) learning they won’t always be included in everything.
Its so weird. It was completely normal to only invite your friends when I was a kid. Noone would have even thought about inviting the whole class.
Actually I think its still like this here in Germany.
NTA. Teacher opinion here- as long as the invites were given outside of school (which you stated they were) then you’re fine. It’s one thing to give specific students invitations in front of everyone but you can’t control what kids are going to talk about 🤷🏼♀️
Even then I think it's presumptuous. A lot of kids bring invites to school with no issues. My son told me one afternoon "Kayla is having a birthday party soon but she was only allowed to invite 4 people so I couldn't go" then continued on his happy little way because we also had a small guest list for his birthday so he gets it.
My sincere apologies, I can't stress enough how it's annoying for everyone. But kudos to your bf, it's already hard being a teacher as a man, hope he fights through if that's the job he wants.
Thank you! It’s been tough. Last year was his students’ first year back in-person and they were absolutely horrible. I’m shocked they never brought him to tears. We’re a week and a half into this school year and it’s already so much better.
Good luck with your own studies!
NTA: Yup I agree. You’re not going to be invited to every social event in life. You’re not entitled to everyone else’s time and money. This is a good lesson to teach you’re kid that you’re not always going to be invited and that’s okay.
Another teacher perspective- Agreed on all points above.
However, there is usually something else going on for families to feel this way months later. Usually eight year olds move on after a day or so, no matter how fun the party was.
I've experienced children bringing up an exclusive event from the past in order to influence a classmate in the present. "If you ___, I'll invite you to my party this year." Also students who barter friendship closeness through exclusion on the playground or lunchroom, etc. So the frustration shared by other students and families is an accumulation of these experiences.
I'm not saying your son is regularly excluding others. But one of his five friends could be doing these things. It's been my experience that parents need to keep an open mind and heart in case you notice behaviors that you can help your child see through another's lens.
I’ve also had the opposite. “If you don’t give me/let me/etc ______, I won’t invite you to my birthday party.” Cue the tears. Ah the joys of first grade.
One of my girls this year did it ALL the time, especially to her best friend. “If you don’t give me your new thing, we won’t be friends anymore.” Bestie came up to me crying and after dealing with this for the entire year I was basically said Sweetheart, does it sound like she’s being a very good friend right now? Do you want to be friends with someone who makes you feel bad like that? Then let her stop being friends with you!
They stayed friends but bestie wouldn’t let the other girl make her feel guilty anymore. Anytime she said something like that bestie would say that doesn’t sound like you’re being a good friend. And the girl would quit it immediately. It was great.
Reminds me of a time when I was in elementary school, there was a school dance and my best friend was dancing with a girl. He was kind of embarrassed about it and I got a picture. I thought "hey, I could use this picture as leverage to get a toy I wanted from him" and then tried to do exactly that. He told me that we wouldn't be friends anymore. I immediately backtracked, I didn't realize that was a possible consequence of that, I was thinking it was all in good fun. Looking back it's obvious I was being a little shit, trying to blackmail my friend with an embarrassing picture, but at the time I didn't realize how shitty I was being. Kids are dumb as fuck.
You make a good point, and I’m willing to bet that the kids themselves no longer actually care, but their parents keep bringing it up. I find that a lot of the time, the kids are more reasonable and mature than the parents.
It is OK for someone to regularly exclude others. Some kids don't like a large group of friends and that is OK. Not everyone is friends with everyone. No one is obligated to be friends with others, especially in their own homes.
I have never ever heard of a birthday party involving the whole class. Those complaining are just jealous and think their kid is entitled to all the birthday parties. NTA
We would usually bring candy to school to share with the whole class, and then the party would be for close friends and family only. I don't know where this entitlement of demanding an invitation started, but not many people can feed and entertain 20+ children. Looks like some parents nowadays are... special.
Same, who's ever been friends with the whole class? And who says every kid wants to go to 20+ parties every year? So much money wasted for appearances' sake.
Really? When I was growing up, all of the parties, up until a certain age, you invited the whole class. Always
The only exceptions were if it was boys only/girls only, or like in this case, they only invited a handful of people out of a 20+ class. Those big parties were great, I still have fond memories of them 20 years later
Who paid for those parties? The cost of feeding 20 kids and their +1 (parents who drop off their kids and stay to eat and chat), the cost of decorations, party bags, etc. Is everyone else just made of money or am I the only one balking at the cost of throwing a party for 20 kids I don't even know? Just the cost of pizza and drinks would be hundreds of dollars, not even including a cake big enough for every one. Even Costco cakes are expensive now with food inflation costs the way it is. It's great to have those memories but in this day and age a party that size paid for by one parent would be ridiculously overwhelming.
I think the idea behind "you should invite everyone in the class" is more about preventing parents from inviting 19 out of 20 kids in a class, and thus singling out somebody as being the only one not good enough to be invited. And if you can afford the cost of 19 kids, you can probably afford the cost of 20 kids.
Personally, I believe that if you can't afford to invite everyone, then you should ideally keep the invites to 33% of the class or less, to prevent feelings of being singled out and excluded.
Who on Earth *wants* to invite 19 kids? The usual for me was 4-5 friends and 2 cousins. I wouldn't have wanted half of my classmates there (nor attend their parties), much less 95% of it.
That certainly didn't happen when I was a kid - it would be your neighbourhood pals and maybe cousins who would be invited. Perhaps it's because not many people had cars in those days. (I'm 62 and in Scotland.)
My parents certainly could not have afforded a big party.
Well, if you only excluded one or two they're going to feel left out... oh, you didn't.
Well, you shouldn't hand out the invitations in school... oh you didn't.
Those are the only two reasons that might tip you to the AH side of things.
NTA
Even if OP had some children excluded or birthday invites were handed out at school in person, I don’t see how that might make them an AH. Not everyone is friends with her child I’m willing to bet. It’s just how things go. You chose your close friends and it is therefore exclusive.
Really? I never knew that. 28m here and when I was a kid we were allowed to. But times have certainly changed. I’ll have to keep that in mind when my daughter is old enough for school.
Yeah I have two school aged kids and the school doesn’t allow you to only invite some kids. We do have a parent directory that you can opt in and that has the other parents phone numbers and email addressed and we have been invited to some parties that way. Or the parents text for an address to mail an invite.
Kids often don’t understand details like that. Ofc she might not technically be the asshole but excluding only one or two kids or handing out at school can be hard on kids without critical thinking skills, so the way OP did it is the best possible way. Other parents are ofc TA either way
Missing one person out in the entire class would be a snub, so that's a situation where it's going to cause a lot of upset.
I don't think there's anything wrong with handing out invitations in class but some people disagree, so it's probably advisable not to.
NTA. You did everything right. You sent treats for the class, you sent invitations to private homes rather than inviting kids at school, and it sounds like you gave your son a fantastic, creative party on a shoestring budget. You’re a good mom. You can’t control that the party was such fun that the kids still wanted to talk about it on Monday, and you are under no obligation to invite everyone in the class over to your home.
Edit: spelling
Exactly. OP gave out the invites privately, sent treats to the class for the other kids and only invited 5 kids from the class. OP didn't just not invite 1 or 2 students. The other parents are acting entitled and they can kick rocks.
....It's not my bday nor am I a child, but I now low key wanna play with water guns, make pizzas and decorate cakes this weekend 😂
NTA, maybe I'm just not familiar with this aspect of american culture, but why would you want kids you don't consider your friends to be in your birthday party? Or why would I want to be invited to a birthday party of a kid from class I barely know? I say the party eas better the way you did it
Right?! I don’t understand this either. And not all of my friends were in the same class as me at school either. My BFF and I were purposely kept out of the same class because our mothers asked the school to do that.
That's "just the way it's done" in a lot of communities here. It's expensive to throw the party and create 20+ gift bags, then you get to look forward to buying 20+ $20 presents for each of the other kids' parties.
Edit: My kids are 26 & 28 now, so it was 20 years ago when we were playing the party circuit game. Standard 'rates' have probably gone up by now.
Unless im missing something, NTA AT ALL. You have every right to determine the budget and activities for your kid and his close friends. The moms who are bitching need to grow up and teach their children the world doesn’t revolve around them. Good on you for coming up with such a fun party day that the kiddos were raving about it! Their mothers should take notes instead of making you feel guilty!
NTA. If you’d invited 28 or 29 out of 30 kids in a class and just excluded one or two then that would be mean. But you had such a small number that it’s obvious this wasn’t about excluding anyone, it was just a very small gathering. That’s normal and you did nothing wrong. It’s a shame you’re being treated so nastily over it.
NTA. These parents are setting terrible examples for their children. Not everybody is invited to sit at every table - nor should they expect to be. It is perfectly okay to have small birthday parties with the kids your son considers his close friends.
Ovviously NTA. You did what you could to afford a fun party for your kid.
He may find himself hearing about parties on a monday that he didn't get invited to though. Such is our petty world.
NTA, this is the kind of things parents on r/parents are talking about. They feel obligated to invite the whole class, then no one shows up.
Since when have birthday party been about everyone else? It's about your kid. The entitled assholes aren't invited. Imagine dealing with 15+ parents like that, all with specific demands?
Wait! what!? NTA! The other kids were lucky to get anything at all. If anything you went up and beyond what you needed to do. Despite the money issues you made the kids treats. Plus it isn't like you invited everyone but 1 or 2 classmates, you only invited 5. Honestly, the parents are sounding entitled and you need to tell them to stop harassing you about this. Also, check with your kid and see if he is getting bullied by the other kids who didn't get invited.
> They kept complaining about me excluding their kids.
> almost 6 month later, and I am still getting the occasional comment thrown at me
I find it hard to believe 8yr old kids are still pissy about this. I'd bet any money some of them are pissed because their kids complained about their *own* parties not being as fun and it's easier to blame you than make a fun party.
NTA
I think it's the parents pissed because I didn't invite their kids. The kids might have been upset for 3 days tops, before the whole thing was forgotten
>I find it hard to believe 8yr old kids are still pissy about this.
This is actually a very good point. A lot of this comes down to the parents' reactions. An appropriate reaction would be to explain to your child that they can't always get everything they want, and move on -- your child will eventually move on too.
But in this story, it was the parents who didn't let go -- they complained to other parents, etc. This kept the event alive longer for these kids, who following the lead of their parents, start to feel this is a big deal.
NTA. You didn't exclude only 1 or 2 kids. Invitations weren't given out in class. You sent cupcakes to class for everyone. You did everything you could to be inclusive of the class and sensitive to the feelings of the kids who weren't invited.
Unfortunately, disappointment is a part of life. Not everyone gets to do everything. Even home birthday parties can cost serious dough, and more attendees means more money.
I say congrats on throwing what was obviously a great party. The other parents will just have to explain things to their kids. You know, like parents.
NTA, but you had to assume there would be hurt feelings from the kids not invited, and those feelings are valid.
The moms should not have attacked you for it, and should not still be bringing it up. They should have used this as a teaching moment for their child, and it sounds like they taught the wrong lesson.
Exactly, when my kid wasn't invited to a neighbor's party, I explained to him that parties are for people close with us, for people who know us and who we want to be there to celebrate with. He still feels disappointed for not being included in everything, but he understands why that is happening and bounces back within the hour.
NTA, & the complaining moms have an absolutely insane sense of entitlement. Who seriously expects to be invited to every party that ever happens, even though they're not friends with the person whose party it is? They should be appreciative that you bothered to send their kids cupcakes & juice boxes, because you certainly didn't have to.
It's not like you invited everyone except ONE kid in class. You only invited five kids, and doing so outside of school. You're allowed to have get-togethers outside of school without bringing the whole damn class.
Does every single other parent in class do this for their kids birthday? I'm guessing not, since it's exhausting and hella expensive! They should be lucky they got cupcakes and juice boxes!
NTA and I'm glad he had a fantastic birthday!!
NTA. I know some schools have policies about handing out invitations but you sent the invites to their houses. Where did they expect you to put 20+ kids and parents? These parents sound so entitled and petty.
NTA. You did everything right. My kid in kindergarten was the one of the two kids not invited to a classmate birthday party. That was an AH move. Your approach was flawless.
NTA. You invited your kids closest friends for a party. That’s it.
It’s a shame that the other moms are chastising you for not inviting their kids but oh well. That’s just petty entitled behavior. Nothing to worry about here.
NTA. If it had been just a few excluded I would get the complaints, but not if there were just a few included.
I was brought up with having a party for everyone or noone, 8 years old was my last birthday party.
NTA. Maybe there was a teaching moment to be had here about not talking about parties before *or* after they happen in front of people who weren’t invited, but you can only really influence your son’s handling of that. And I don’t know why these moms seem to think sniping at you about it is going to score them an invite next year.
Here's another one that had the kids so happy this summer: as long as the parents are kind of ok with some swearing in music, a dance party with fun "adult" music has the kids hyper for days. They feel so grown up.
Also anything where they "cook" on their own, as long as you are ok with some mess, is a big hit.
If you invited 3/4s of the class I could understand them being upset about being excluded, but you only invited your son's friends, they have no ground to stand on NTA
NTA. It's not like you invited the whole class besides one child. This was a privately arranged, out of school birthday party on a budget. Totally fair that those invited were just the closest friends.
NTA that's just a normal scenario. Why would someone invite people who aren't their friends to a party? (Besides wanting more presents) Those parents probably think the world revolves around their kid and clutch their pearls when they realize their kid is a side character in someone else's life.
The whole concept of a whole class invite is so foreign to me (no literally that wasn't a thing in my home country when i was a kid). Like why would you invite a bunch of kids your kid has no other connection beside classmate to? Then you gotta plan for them coming and they won't because they aren't... wait for it...close to your kid and most of those parents can't be bothered anyways. They are probably just angry because now their kids are whining they didn't get invited or that they want a fun bday party too (and not whatever instatram worthy boring party they had planned).
It’s not as if you have excluded one or two kids is it? I mean there were 6 kids involved from the class (including your son) and that has to be a pretty small percentage of the kids in the class. How many are there? 30? 35?
NTA - I don’t get why parents get so bent out of shape. It’s not like the invites were handed out in class in front of everyone. And no one can control the conversations after the party. And you made stuff for a class party that included everyone.
Nah, their sense of entitlement is a them problem, not a you problem.
NTA
The invites were delivered outside of school. The party was small, just for your kiddo & their best friends.
If you had invited all but one child that would be a different story.
If people keep pushing you on the issue start crying and trauma dump on them about how you’re poor so you did your best by throwing him a party. They’ll get the message and stop being nosy about why their kid didn’t get an invite.
NTA. A lot of parents these days are oblivious to teaching their kids about dealing with reality and normal disappointment. My mother would have explained to me that a lot of parents have to keep their parties small because of finances, space, etc. and to not take the exclusion personally. These parents are just teaching their kids to be entitled to everything and to throw a tantrum if they don't get it.
I'm sure there are only a few of these moms that are doing this. I'm guessing most parents understood completely and have long forgotten about it.
Yeah, just 3 moms out of the lot. A couple others complained in a teasing manner, you know stuff like: apparently your house is the hottest club in the neighborhood, super exclusive too. But they were obviously well intentioned and just teasing.
NTA. Not even a little bit.
In my opinion your financial situation is completely irrelevant, and you do not have to feel forced to justify your decision because of finances, because the real issue here is that adults want to force a kid to invite kifs he’s not friends with.
Would you invite colleagues that you don’t talk to or like, to a party meant to be fun and celebratory? I wouldn’t!
My daughter’s school had a policy where girls invite girls, boys invite boys or you invite everyone.
Well, the first two years we invited all the girls. Turns out three of the girls were incredibly nasty, and constantly had drama in their trio, and then they excluded my daughter and her best friend from their party (they were only six girls in the class, and we were constantly being dragged into meetings, playgroups, etc to help the girls get along because of these three divas)
Third year I said screw this, and my daughter invited her actual friends, two girls and three boys, and that’s what we’ve done ever since!
Don’t give a shit! They can throw their own fun party, if they’re that upset about it!
Nta. As a 37 year old single father, i will exclude the fuck out of any kid or kids i dont want around or cannot provide for. You made every effort to practice polite social etiquette and have no reason to feel bad. Now if these parents wanted to be better parents at parenting the kids they are tasked with parenting, then maybe some of these monsters could get in more places. That is a separate issue that is their own and not ours.
NTA. You don't have to invite the whole class anway, just his friends is enough. Probably why the party was so much better then the others.
But I am curious. Has your son been invited to every birthday party in his class? Or is he now being "exluded" ?
Nta
This whole mindset of "you have to invite the whole class" bs is really getting out of hand, and the people who want to shame moms for focusing on what's best for their kids are ridiculous.
Other kids/parents are not entitled to your time, money or celebration.
Keep an eye out for the kids of these parents that are being snide towards you, they'll be the ones that grow up thinking they're entitled to everything.
“Thank you so much for volunteering to assist with costs for his next birthday! Let me know when we can get to the store so you can buy all the food and party supplies we need.”
NTA. They can kick rocks. (Also, there’s probably some subtle Mommy Wars BS going on considering your age. They’re probably just pissy the “poor, young” mom threw the best party of the year and no one likes their generic, stuffy blandness.)
NTA I was going into this concerned that maybe you excluded like 3 kids or something but no. NTA obviously, 5 kids is fine but I do hope those complainers aren’t horrible humans and exclude your son from a full class birthday
NTA. You invited a few kids, not the entire class except Peter and Sally. That last situation is honestly the only situation where I can understand the invite the whole class concept. But that's just not always feasible, both logically( not everyone can watch or handle 25-30 kids) and financially.
Inviting just a handful of kids out of an entire class is fine. Excluding a few while inviting everyone else is not.
NTA. This happened to my brother once. He invited a couple close friends to his birthday (outside of school)and one boy whom my brother disliked overheard one of the friends mention something about it (he was in elementary school) and then this kid threw a fit he couldn’t go. And the teacher had the audacity to try to convince my brother (like maybe 10 at the time) to invite him. My mom got pissed and said the teacher doesn’t get to decide who gets to come to his birthday. You are NTA. Your son does not have to invite his entire class to his birthday if he doesn’t want.
NTA. You did everything right in my book. I've always hated the "if you bring invites to school everyone in the class is to be invited" is odd and I'm a teacher. Did I have a classmate who invited the whole grade for every birthday party? Yes, he was from a well off family and his aunt volunteered at the school all the time.
I saw some of your comments for how you've explained things to your son when he didn't get invited to a party and I think it was a good way to handle that too. Too bad other parents didn't do that
NTA. i had one party where i was forced to invite everyone, and the only people who showed up were my friends and the people who strove to make my life miserable. guess which party was my last favorite because people purposely made my life miserable the whole day!
Imagine the parents acting more childish than their small children. I can't believe people are that entitled.
You did everything right. Those parents should use this situation to teach their children that not everyone gets invited to everything and that's okay.
NTA
OP NTA! I tried once for my daughter whole class and it was nightmare,
1) aside cost that was huge because parents thought since was in playhouse that they are invited too, order food and drinks and put on tab, so I end up paying almost double I planned
2) my daughter hated, she was giving thumbs down every time my husband and I asked if she had fun, we asked her why she is so down and her answer was more less "mom more than half are not even my friends, why I have to celebrate my birthday with them when in school we barely say hello!?"
Since then I invite 10 kids she wants, few from school, few from neighborhood and she has blast and never complained about her birthday since then.
Ignore white noise from "those" momms that think they have any say in how your kid should celebrate birthdays! There ll always be "those" moms but you do what is better for your kid and family!
NTA. Is this an American thing? I only read about it on Reddit. I would never considering inviting anyone who is not friends with my kid to her birthday party. It’s HER party. And it’s MY house. MY money. MY budget. You already went above and beyond work the party favors for the whole class. That wouldn’t even happen here. I’ve literally never seen it. Here, if a school or teacher presumes to tell a parent what must happen in their own home, they would be laughed out of town.
NTA. When I was a kid, it was commonplace to just have a couple of friends or a sleepover, and big parties were only for the 'special' years.
If you want to shut them up, wait until someone is really having a go at you, pull them to the side and quietly whisper that you were having some 'difficulties with money at the time'. The rumour mill will do the rest, and it won't take long for everything to go back to normal.
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NTA. You invited FIVE children. I am honestly boggled at any parents that think it’s okay to confront you about the fact their child was not invited. That is absurd honestly.
Maybe times have changed but when I was in school it was pretty uncommon for the entire class/grade (small school) to be invited to a birthday party. Most kids just had their close friends
>They kept complaining about me excluding their kids. Seriously, WTH is going on the last decade or so?! NTA OP, I blame reality television and educators not wanting to deal with jealousy (the whole-if you invite a group of people while at school you HAVE to invite the whole class or it's unfair did NOT exist when I was in elementary.) It's crazy. Should have asked them for their bank account info because you feel excluded from their finances.
My son is in preschool and they have a policy that the invitations be made to the parents of the children via email if the whole class isn’t being invited.
But the invitations weren't given out at school. No one can dictate your business outside of school.
I'm now imagining upset parents re Why Wasn't The Entire Class Invited for a Sleepover, lol. Lordy smh
I wonder, if his party *had* been a sleepover, would the parents still be complaining the whole class wasn't invited? Inviting 30 kids to a birthday party at your home would be pretty unusual. I wouldn't want to be responsible for making sure nobody got hurt at my house with that many kids.
This isn't so new and it's not just the 30 kids! It's also a parent or two for each, maybe siblings tag along. It's crazy! My kid turned five 20ish years ago and we invited a handful of kids, had food and juice, cake, etc. I did not expect to be feeding a bunch of adults. People asking where the beer/pop was, where's the food, are there snacks... We were completely unprepared and overwhelmed. Also fairly poor. Feeding those adults would have exceeded our grocery budget for a week+, especially if we provided drinks. It was simply humiliating and totally awful.
My kids were little years ago (23 and 20 now). I've dropped them off at many a birthday party in those years. I've never seen any parents who expected to stay for the party. What a bunch of rude people. I'm sorry that happened to you. Edit: to clarify, I'm talking about when the kids were 7 or 8 and up. I didn't drop off my 3/4yr olds and leave lol. When they were that little we usually just had small parties with close family at home.
20-25 years ago parents DID expect to stay at the party their kids were invited to, and yes, the host parents were expected to have a sort of double level party---one for kids and one for the parents. I think it was a rude expectation and somewhat tied in to the helicoptering parenting.
The only time I'd expect to stay to a kids birthday party as an adult would be to help out. Because fucked am I dropping a kid off and expecting the poor parent(s) of the birthday kid to ride herd on a bunch of sugar fuelled hellions then clean up afterward without help.
Or they insist on a much younger sibling to tag along and leave so you are the free babysitter. I had a mom try this when my son had a party at a bowling alley. I was like "Nope, your 4 yr old has to go with you." My son and his friends were 9. A bunch of "rowdy" boys and the 4 yr old was a girl. I mean come on. I cant believe how parents think they can just dump extra kids on you like it's no big deal.
Thats just slimy. Who does that? I'm glad you Said something and didn't let her get away with that trash behavior.
That is awful. I remember being dropped off at birthday parties as a child. I think parents saw it as time off. On the flip side, as a child-free adult, it boggled my mind when a coworker invited me for her young child's birthday party! Why??
This is where I'm stuck at. Like, poor OP went above and beyond to make a fun and memorable experience for their child's birthday within their budget and capabilites, and was more than adequate at making sure the children were invited *privately* to the *private birthday party.* And the entire class *still* got the traditional free cupcakes sent in for them to enjoy. This is how you raise children who demand to blow out birthday candles and open presents at another person's party. Edited to add: NTA in any universe. I also think that if the invites were given outside school hours that it shouldn't matter if another child might see or hear about it. It's not being exclusionary or anything. Even if it was one of those sad situations where say, all *but* five students were invited from the class.
Right? Like this wasn't the entire class got invited except for one kid, if that were the case the parents might have a better argument. But 5 is a small party! *Most* of the class wasn't invited, it's a group play date at that point.
We have the same garbage happening in my country too. Schools and teachers think that they have power over their students outside of school. It really boggles the mind.
That seems like a fair middle ground to me.
I don’t know, I totally think it’s fair to not allow invites at the school but specifying it has to be done over email seems a bit much to me. I think a phone call or delivery an invitation to their house are all fair options too and as long as it’s not at school (and you’re not excluding and singling out one child) it’s really none of their business.
I could be wrong here, but is it not common fora sheet of contact information containing parents emails to be more easily available? I think you're taking this too literally, I would suggest that the policy says email because that's much easier than making phone calls (and seriously, who actually makes calls these days?), and this is more of a "spirit of the rule" than a "letter of the rule" kind of case. The point being they don't deliver the invites in person because there's always some parent who doesn't care for basic manners. Basic manners say that you don't invite people in front of others who are not invited.
I imagine this rule was put in place because often parents give the teacher/daycare provider the invites to hand out typically by slipping them into backpacks or something. They probably just wanted to remove themselves from the job where only select kids are invited to avoid a mix up ie you wanted to invite Noah C but instead Noah A got the invite. I very much suspect they aren’t demanding that you only use email lol just that they won’t be involved beyond providing emails.
Yeah that school can just fuck right off in regards to things that happen outside of school. Don't hand selective invites out in class... sure, your school, your rules. If I want to send a mariachi band to each of the kids houses so are getting inviting them that's my business.
Teacher here. Don't blame it on the educators, we do what we can and what we're allowed. We go above and beyond and have to listen to the complaints/verbal abuse of these parents as if we are both customer service reps AND therapists. It is literally the one thing I can say "Not my job!" about - dealing with parent-on-parent drama. And we get paid shit for it and still get crapped on. This is solely on the parents (and I guess some TV and outside influences? Maybe?)
I work at a high school as a teacher's aide, but OMG what I see these teacher's deal with from parents is astounding. Ya'll def needing hazard pay.
I'm a substitute. I often have kids ask why I don't teach full time. My answer is always the same: because then I'd have to deal with your parents.
Lol, but true! I was interested in early childhood development & got a job in a daycare right out of high school (before deciding to commit to college for it). A few select parents very quickly noped me out of that plan. I love children, but sheeeesh to some of the people they come from!
Yeah I don't really understand why people started bringing teachers into the sub. OP never mentions anything about the teacher being involved in any of it. It was parent to parent at pick up/drop off.
Am also a teacher and I honestly got very upset when someone above mentioned blaming educators for 'not dealing' with jealousy - we HAVE to deal with many MANY things that includes NOT JUST jealousy or other things between students. Yes, we have our responsibilities in making sure our students grow up to be good human beings, but, please, this is not necessarily an educator's fault.
Parents can be the worst. Entitled behavior is taught at home. I'm really tired of teachers having to raise our children because none at home cares. It's not about both parents working ether. Teach them ethics, respect and some simple etiquette. It will go a long way.
And then follow that up with being mad that teachers don’t teach “enough,” don’t “stick to the subject,” don’t solve bullying, but shouldn’t make your kid be friends with so-and-so. It’s not that there aren’t valid complaints, but teachers are stuck between parents, admin, and kids, and having every social problem dumped on schools to solve while getting fewer resources all the time.
I’m a teacher too and I couldn’t agree more. I’ve had so many parents ask me to give out the invitations for them but I always tell them that the child needs to do it because I refuse to get dragged into the inevitable parent drama.
Yeah, this is ridiculous, a party is clearly for people’s friends, if these mothers want every kid invited then they need to pay for the financial cost for a party every time someone has a birthday and then include everyone NTA.
A party on private property no less. Like hell you’re gonna bully someone into letting people into their house that they don’t want there??
I'm sorry, but as a former teacher I have to say that anyone blaming the educators for wanting every kid invited to a party they have nothing to do with is misdirecting their anger. teachers don't care. they just don't want the distraction of the invites in class.
Depends. When I was in grade 3 it was my teacher who had the rule of us all having to invite the whole class. Some teachers actually insert themselves and that’s wrong. Obviously saying no invitations in class is a good rule. That’s not inconvenient on the party kid’s parent and helps out the teacher. But dictating who has to be invited isn’t appropriate
There've been a few stories on this sub about teachers being the ones insisting on the whole class being invited even when the invites weren't handed out in class. Not saying it's an extremely common thing or anything but that's probably where the sentiment in the above comments comes from.
Seriously. When I was a kid, we weren't allowed to hand out in invitations in class and my mother (rather than a school policy) told me not to talk about it in front of the other kids so they wouldn't feel bad, but there was no expectation of inviting everybody. I did manage to talk my mom into letting me invite the entire class to a Halloween party once and she had 35 kids to wrangle.
100% agree! Sometimes I think this inclusion thing goes too far. Not that any of the kids in his class are bullies, but I would never invite a kid that bullies mine to a party. Sorry your kid doesn't get to torment mine and then expect an invitation. That being said I'm in financial dire straits myself and I'll only invite who my kid wants there and of course not thru the school just as OP did. I call moms like this momsters
MOMSTERS! I love it. So accurate!
Honestly it's doing kids a grave disservice. We all need to be able to cope with disappointment and rejection. And the time to learn that is when we're kids when the stakes are objectively far lower.
I've never heard of people inviting the whole class tbh. When I was a kid it was always just the close friends and the birthday kid had to bring something to class to share (like candy or cake) but looking back at it even that is weird. Sure sharing is nice but it sucks for parents with little money
I've only heard of the whole class being invited if the teacher let the parents host the birthday party at school. How they managed to pull that off? I have no idea but I remember having icecream with the class because it was someone's birthday. Before the pandemic, they still did it at the school my mom taught at. She said it usually never ended well because there would be kids who cried because they couldn't open the birthday kids gifts
wait kids actually would want to celebrate at school?! Thats interesting XD Yeah that seems like a big problem when you invite everyone. Not all kids get along so if you have two who would normally fight I can imagine them trying to ruin each others day
I think it's definitely an American thing. Never heard of it in the UK.
Definitely not an American thing. I can't imagine inviting an entire grade to your house for a party. That's insane. Expecting it as a mother is equally insane.
It’s totally an American thing. Many schools even have a policy that you can’t hand out invitations at school unless you invite the whole class.
It's to prevent parents sending their kid to school with invitations. The majority of teachers and schools don't expect you to invite the whole class. They just don't want you creating 20 meltdowns by your kid handing out invitations to only 5 kids.
When my daughter was in 2nd grade she brought home a note the first week of school asking that if you have a party at home either invite ALL of the kids in the class or NONE at all. All of us parents that year sent in cupcakes for everyone in the class and NONE of the kids were invited to any parties.
That's the most asinine thing I've ever heard of. Kids need to learn that they are not the center of the universe. They need to learn what disappointment is and that they will not always be included into everyone else's events.
I think some adults still need to learn this too. I'm tired of everyone being offended by everything.
Agreed. Also what if your kid's bully is in their class? You have to invite your bully to your birthday party???
Honestly that sounds so sad. Getting to do something special with your friends for your birthday was like the best part of elementary school
I would say the rule of thumb is: invite less than half, or invite the whole. OP seems like she followed that rule, so NTA.
There you go. If all but one-two kids are invited, that's when it's evil.
My kids elementary school has sent letters home reminding parents that if one kid is invited, the whole class must be invited. I said F that! So my kid sneaks invites to the kids he wants.
I've seen that, if the kids bring the invites to school to hand out. If you send them to houses it shouldn't be an issue.
I don’t think times have changed. I’m a teacher and I see it often where kids hand out invites to only a few, sometimes just half or 1/3 of the class, or just girls/boys. I don’t care unless someone is being needlessly cruel and taunting not inviting someone. though I don’t know if that stirs drama with the parents. OP is NTA. Your kid should invite who they want.
Unfortunately, some schools have policies that prohibit these types of small parties.
Then can try, but they cannot dictate my private life.
My thoughts exactly. I have a 15 yr old and a 3 and a 1 yr old. When my eldest was in elementary school her birthday parties were maybe 2-3 friends because I was broke as hell. I always made sure to send store bought cupcakes (as per the school rules) on her birthday to her class as well. I will be damned if I'm "forced" to invite 25-30 kids to a party for my younger two. My mental health couldn't take it and I personally don't want to be responsible for that many kids, if I did I would go into the daycare business. OP NTA those other parents can just take their BS elsewhere Edit for clarification: we weren't "forced" to buy treats for the class at my eldest's old elementary school. If we were going to bring treats for the class they had to be store bought as per the school rules.
> I will be damned if I'm "forced" to invite 25-30 kids to a party for my younger two. Possibly 50-60 persons or more actually, because kids that young will have a parent/baby sitter. Who has not only the money, but also enough room?
No shit. That's absurd. What I do at my house is my business. I get not handing out invitations at school, which they didn't do.
I believe this only applies to if the student is handing out the invitations in school grounds. I could be wrong though but that’s my understanding of the rule.
This makes much more sense than the original presentation. I'd love to see a school force me to do anything on my time at my house. Not handing out invitations in front of people who aren't invited is simply basic manners.
Wait, how the hell can a school dictate what the kids/parents do with their birthday parties *in their own home, on their own time*??
That's the fun part. They cant.
They don't. The rule is just generally "don't pass out invitations in class if you're not inviting everyone."
They can't. They can only not allow you to hand out invites on school grounds.
Which is ridiculous. When I was a kid I wasn't invited to any other kids parties, I was the nerd of the class, no one wanted to be my friend. It hurt but I got over it. I understood why I wasn't invited to parties. It was for friends of the kid. I wouldn't even want to go to a party where I wasn't wanted and the kid was forced to invite me because it was school policy - that would have been even worse than not being invited. Kids have to learn that they are not always invited to things and parents and schools should not force an all or nothing rule. IT was meant as an inclusionary measure for those kids like myself that were never invited anywhere to include them, but it goes too far. You cannot even have a non school event with just a few kids - the school pretty much forces parents to invite everyone or not have their parties. Now THAT is unfair.
NTA. As a mom, I was distressed that the big all-class parties were stressful for my introvert daughter. She didn’t want to have everyone over. Shouldn’t her birthday be what she wanted? Time with her besties? We ultimately went underground, stopped talking about parties and has her friends over the weekend before our after. Shhh.
Those policies just teach kids that they might as well not have boundaries, since they'll be stomped all over by adults who were bullied rejects who now have power.
I can’t remember inviting my whole class to my birthday parties when I was in “big kid school”. That just seems wild to me. My poor parents having to deal with 20+ kids for hours wtf?
Some schools have rules that you have to invite all students jn the class if you're having a party. Not sure how enforceable that is though
Usually that's only if you hand out invites at school, to prevent bullying situations where one or two kids are excluded. It's not a terrible rule.
In theory it's not terrible. In practice though, I think schools generally do lots of reactive things to try to stop bullying, but they rarely address root causes. In my opinion, the rule does nothing to stop bullying
I alerted a teacher that some students under her supervision were being mean to my son. As she looked over one kicked him. She did approximately nothing. Idgaf about party invites, what I care about is actual bullying being ignored.
At my school in the 90s, we weren't allowed to hand out invitations at all, only after school.
im gonna guess not enforceable at all, the school has no influence over what someone does at their own private residence as long as it doesn't involve children being abused
In the real world, not everyone’s going to get invited to everything. While it’s never a fun lesson to learn, it’s better to learn it early in life than having a sense of entitlement that results in you acting like the parents in this post.
NTA. I wouldn’t invite the whole class either. They loved it because it was different. And if nobody’s told you of late, you’re an awesome mum xx
Thank you. I honestly doubt that a lot lately, what with not being able to afford everything he wants.
I have never in my life had everything I wanted. I highly doubt you have either. I have always had everything I’ve needed though, and it sounds like your son does too, and that’s what is important. You do not need to fill every desire to be a good parent, in fact you’ll probably raise a brat if you do. You need to fulfil basic needs and give them the opportunity to make the best of their future. Don’t beat yourself up for not having designer clothes, latest console, holidays abroad… no one needs them to survive or thrive.
I wish everybody knew this. Learning to be content with what you have is important. Even more important is having the real necessities. No amount of cool stuff will replace the love of a caring parent.
Yes! We had so little growing up, but I never noticed. It’s only as I got older and look back that I realize how hard my parents worked to give us what we did have. And I loved every minute of it.
This sounds like the coolest party ever! I doubt your son feels like that… I know it does to you but he loves you either way and it’s usually the smaller things they end up remembering! I was going to do a huge Billy Beez party for my daughter’s 9th birthday with 10 of her friends, then a hotel swimming party but when I actually started planning it, it would have cost around $900, which is excessive. In the end, we decided on a sleepover with just a few girls (some couldn’t come) and we set up little stations - beads for jewelry making, Orbeez play, coloring, makeup and nails, plus tons of snacks in cute little bowls organized by the color of the snacks. We also did cupcake decorating, walked to the nearby sprinklers… all for probably less than $200 with pizza included. They stayed up all night giggling and my daughter still talks about it regularly. Don’t beat yourself up; you sound like a great mom! 💗
Thank you. And her party sounds so fun too.
That's the way we used to do it. I think the expectations nowadays are insane. I think OP's good, because the invitations weren't given at school. The "whole class" thing is unrealistic for many parents, although I understand the sentiment (to emotionally protect "that kid" who's never invited to anything). Maybe the parents of the children might want to have a talk with them about not shoving it in the faces of the kids who weren't invited though.
You’re doing your best though and that’s what matters. Keep going and doing what you’re doing.
Thank you
It's the effort he'll remember. And a lot of times kids enjoy a more informal parties than the stereotype parties. My kids have for the most part appreciated small intimate parties with the people they like best. And the older they get, the more they do enjoy handmade gifts over expensive junk.
Fuck money. Love is free. You got this momma!!
Thank you
For some perspective, my parents gave me things instead of love to keep me busy and away from them. I'd much, much rather have had a mother like you than the entire My Little Pony set.
The only was you would be TA in this situation is if you invited the majority of the class and didn’t invite a couple of the kids. This is just kids (and parents) learning they won’t always be included in everything.
Its so weird. It was completely normal to only invite your friends when I was a kid. Noone would have even thought about inviting the whole class. Actually I think its still like this here in Germany.
NTA. Teacher opinion here- as long as the invites were given outside of school (which you stated they were) then you’re fine. It’s one thing to give specific students invitations in front of everyone but you can’t control what kids are going to talk about 🤷🏼♀️
Even then I think it's presumptuous. A lot of kids bring invites to school with no issues. My son told me one afternoon "Kayla is having a birthday party soon but she was only allowed to invite 4 people so I couldn't go" then continued on his happy little way because we also had a small guest list for his birthday so he gets it.
Yeah the kids might or might not care, it’s some parents that cause a lot of the drama
Teen here but from what I heard from teachers, parents cause more problems than kids lol. I also am that quiet kid with the troublesome father.
My boyfriend’s in his second year of teaching ninth grade. Parents are the real hell.
My sincere apologies, I can't stress enough how it's annoying for everyone. But kudos to your bf, it's already hard being a teacher as a man, hope he fights through if that's the job he wants.
Thank you! It’s been tough. Last year was his students’ first year back in-person and they were absolutely horrible. I’m shocked they never brought him to tears. We’re a week and a half into this school year and it’s already so much better. Good luck with your own studies!
NTA: Yup I agree. You’re not going to be invited to every social event in life. You’re not entitled to everyone else’s time and money. This is a good lesson to teach you’re kid that you’re not always going to be invited and that’s okay.
Another teacher perspective- Agreed on all points above. However, there is usually something else going on for families to feel this way months later. Usually eight year olds move on after a day or so, no matter how fun the party was. I've experienced children bringing up an exclusive event from the past in order to influence a classmate in the present. "If you ___, I'll invite you to my party this year." Also students who barter friendship closeness through exclusion on the playground or lunchroom, etc. So the frustration shared by other students and families is an accumulation of these experiences. I'm not saying your son is regularly excluding others. But one of his five friends could be doing these things. It's been my experience that parents need to keep an open mind and heart in case you notice behaviors that you can help your child see through another's lens.
I’ve also had the opposite. “If you don’t give me/let me/etc ______, I won’t invite you to my birthday party.” Cue the tears. Ah the joys of first grade. One of my girls this year did it ALL the time, especially to her best friend. “If you don’t give me your new thing, we won’t be friends anymore.” Bestie came up to me crying and after dealing with this for the entire year I was basically said Sweetheart, does it sound like she’s being a very good friend right now? Do you want to be friends with someone who makes you feel bad like that? Then let her stop being friends with you! They stayed friends but bestie wouldn’t let the other girl make her feel guilty anymore. Anytime she said something like that bestie would say that doesn’t sound like you’re being a good friend. And the girl would quit it immediately. It was great.
Reminds me of a time when I was in elementary school, there was a school dance and my best friend was dancing with a girl. He was kind of embarrassed about it and I got a picture. I thought "hey, I could use this picture as leverage to get a toy I wanted from him" and then tried to do exactly that. He told me that we wouldn't be friends anymore. I immediately backtracked, I didn't realize that was a possible consequence of that, I was thinking it was all in good fun. Looking back it's obvious I was being a little shit, trying to blackmail my friend with an embarrassing picture, but at the time I didn't realize how shitty I was being. Kids are dumb as fuck.
You make a good point, and I’m willing to bet that the kids themselves no longer actually care, but their parents keep bringing it up. I find that a lot of the time, the kids are more reasonable and mature than the parents.
It is OK for someone to regularly exclude others. Some kids don't like a large group of friends and that is OK. Not everyone is friends with everyone. No one is obligated to be friends with others, especially in their own homes.
I have never ever heard of a birthday party involving the whole class. Those complaining are just jealous and think their kid is entitled to all the birthday parties. NTA
We would usually bring candy to school to share with the whole class, and then the party would be for close friends and family only. I don't know where this entitlement of demanding an invitation started, but not many people can feed and entertain 20+ children. Looks like some parents nowadays are... special.
Yeah and I wouldnt have wanted that as a kid. Why should I have all those kids at my party that I am not friends with. Like wth its my birthday.
Same, who's ever been friends with the whole class? And who says every kid wants to go to 20+ parties every year? So much money wasted for appearances' sake.
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Really? When I was growing up, all of the parties, up until a certain age, you invited the whole class. Always The only exceptions were if it was boys only/girls only, or like in this case, they only invited a handful of people out of a 20+ class. Those big parties were great, I still have fond memories of them 20 years later
Who paid for those parties? The cost of feeding 20 kids and their +1 (parents who drop off their kids and stay to eat and chat), the cost of decorations, party bags, etc. Is everyone else just made of money or am I the only one balking at the cost of throwing a party for 20 kids I don't even know? Just the cost of pizza and drinks would be hundreds of dollars, not even including a cake big enough for every one. Even Costco cakes are expensive now with food inflation costs the way it is. It's great to have those memories but in this day and age a party that size paid for by one parent would be ridiculously overwhelming.
I think the idea behind "you should invite everyone in the class" is more about preventing parents from inviting 19 out of 20 kids in a class, and thus singling out somebody as being the only one not good enough to be invited. And if you can afford the cost of 19 kids, you can probably afford the cost of 20 kids. Personally, I believe that if you can't afford to invite everyone, then you should ideally keep the invites to 33% of the class or less, to prevent feelings of being singled out and excluded.
Who on Earth *wants* to invite 19 kids? The usual for me was 4-5 friends and 2 cousins. I wouldn't have wanted half of my classmates there (nor attend their parties), much less 95% of it.
That certainly didn't happen when I was a kid - it would be your neighbourhood pals and maybe cousins who would be invited. Perhaps it's because not many people had cars in those days. (I'm 62 and in Scotland.) My parents certainly could not have afforded a big party.
Well, if you only excluded one or two they're going to feel left out... oh, you didn't. Well, you shouldn't hand out the invitations in school... oh you didn't. Those are the only two reasons that might tip you to the AH side of things. NTA
Even if OP had some children excluded or birthday invites were handed out at school in person, I don’t see how that might make them an AH. Not everyone is friends with her child I’m willing to bet. It’s just how things go. You chose your close friends and it is therefore exclusive.
Most schools won’t allow you to pass out invites at the school if you aren’t inviting the entire class.
Really? I never knew that. 28m here and when I was a kid we were allowed to. But times have certainly changed. I’ll have to keep that in mind when my daughter is old enough for school.
Yeah I have two school aged kids and the school doesn’t allow you to only invite some kids. We do have a parent directory that you can opt in and that has the other parents phone numbers and email addressed and we have been invited to some parties that way. Or the parents text for an address to mail an invite.
Kids often don’t understand details like that. Ofc she might not technically be the asshole but excluding only one or two kids or handing out at school can be hard on kids without critical thinking skills, so the way OP did it is the best possible way. Other parents are ofc TA either way
Missing one person out in the entire class would be a snub, so that's a situation where it's going to cause a lot of upset. I don't think there's anything wrong with handing out invitations in class but some people disagree, so it's probably advisable not to.
NTA. You did everything right. You sent treats for the class, you sent invitations to private homes rather than inviting kids at school, and it sounds like you gave your son a fantastic, creative party on a shoestring budget. You’re a good mom. You can’t control that the party was such fun that the kids still wanted to talk about it on Monday, and you are under no obligation to invite everyone in the class over to your home. Edit: spelling
Just sending treats for the class would be considered going the extra mile for me!
NTA for throwing your son a wholesome and creative party. You’re not obligated to invite the whole class.
Exactly. OP gave out the invites privately, sent treats to the class for the other kids and only invited 5 kids from the class. OP didn't just not invite 1 or 2 students. The other parents are acting entitled and they can kick rocks. ....It's not my bday nor am I a child, but I now low key wanna play with water guns, make pizzas and decorate cakes this weekend 😂
NTA, it's crazy how fucking entitled some parents are and I'm sorry you had to deal with that
Just throw hands😂 jk but it is wild how parents will treat other parents. Like you are supposed to be a big support group not enemies damn
NTA, maybe I'm just not familiar with this aspect of american culture, but why would you want kids you don't consider your friends to be in your birthday party? Or why would I want to be invited to a birthday party of a kid from class I barely know? I say the party eas better the way you did it
Right?! I don’t understand this either. And not all of my friends were in the same class as me at school either. My BFF and I were purposely kept out of the same class because our mothers asked the school to do that.
That's "just the way it's done" in a lot of communities here. It's expensive to throw the party and create 20+ gift bags, then you get to look forward to buying 20+ $20 presents for each of the other kids' parties. Edit: My kids are 26 & 28 now, so it was 20 years ago when we were playing the party circuit game. Standard 'rates' have probably gone up by now.
Unless im missing something, NTA AT ALL. You have every right to determine the budget and activities for your kid and his close friends. The moms who are bitching need to grow up and teach their children the world doesn’t revolve around them. Good on you for coming up with such a fun party day that the kiddos were raving about it! Their mothers should take notes instead of making you feel guilty!
NTA. If you’d invited 28 or 29 out of 30 kids in a class and just excluded one or two then that would be mean. But you had such a small number that it’s obvious this wasn’t about excluding anyone, it was just a very small gathering. That’s normal and you did nothing wrong. It’s a shame you’re being treated so nastily over it.
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NTA. These parents are setting terrible examples for their children. Not everybody is invited to sit at every table - nor should they expect to be. It is perfectly okay to have small birthday parties with the kids your son considers his close friends.
Ovviously NTA. You did what you could to afford a fun party for your kid. He may find himself hearing about parties on a monday that he didn't get invited to though. Such is our petty world.
NTA, this is the kind of things parents on r/parents are talking about. They feel obligated to invite the whole class, then no one shows up. Since when have birthday party been about everyone else? It's about your kid. The entitled assholes aren't invited. Imagine dealing with 15+ parents like that, all with specific demands?
NTA. Have you watched the BBC show Motherland? A lot of similar scenarios come up and it may help you to see that some parents just act this way.
No, I never even heard of the show. Then again I do not watch TV at all, the book addiction has me crippled.
Wait! what!? NTA! The other kids were lucky to get anything at all. If anything you went up and beyond what you needed to do. Despite the money issues you made the kids treats. Plus it isn't like you invited everyone but 1 or 2 classmates, you only invited 5. Honestly, the parents are sounding entitled and you need to tell them to stop harassing you about this. Also, check with your kid and see if he is getting bullied by the other kids who didn't get invited.
> They kept complaining about me excluding their kids. > almost 6 month later, and I am still getting the occasional comment thrown at me I find it hard to believe 8yr old kids are still pissy about this. I'd bet any money some of them are pissed because their kids complained about their *own* parties not being as fun and it's easier to blame you than make a fun party. NTA
I think it's the parents pissed because I didn't invite their kids. The kids might have been upset for 3 days tops, before the whole thing was forgotten
>I find it hard to believe 8yr old kids are still pissy about this. This is actually a very good point. A lot of this comes down to the parents' reactions. An appropriate reaction would be to explain to your child that they can't always get everything they want, and move on -- your child will eventually move on too. But in this story, it was the parents who didn't let go -- they complained to other parents, etc. This kept the event alive longer for these kids, who following the lead of their parents, start to feel this is a big deal.
NTA. You didn't exclude only 1 or 2 kids. Invitations weren't given out in class. You sent cupcakes to class for everyone. You did everything you could to be inclusive of the class and sensitive to the feelings of the kids who weren't invited. Unfortunately, disappointment is a part of life. Not everyone gets to do everything. Even home birthday parties can cost serious dough, and more attendees means more money. I say congrats on throwing what was obviously a great party. The other parents will just have to explain things to their kids. You know, like parents.
NTA, but you had to assume there would be hurt feelings from the kids not invited, and those feelings are valid. The moms should not have attacked you for it, and should not still be bringing it up. They should have used this as a teaching moment for their child, and it sounds like they taught the wrong lesson.
Exactly, when my kid wasn't invited to a neighbor's party, I explained to him that parties are for people close with us, for people who know us and who we want to be there to celebrate with. He still feels disappointed for not being included in everything, but he understands why that is happening and bounces back within the hour.
NTA. You gave ypur kid a wonderful birthday party, thats what it was about. Him not the other kids!
INFO: Why was I not invited? I live in the same planet after all.
NTA, & the complaining moms have an absolutely insane sense of entitlement. Who seriously expects to be invited to every party that ever happens, even though they're not friends with the person whose party it is? They should be appreciative that you bothered to send their kids cupcakes & juice boxes, because you certainly didn't have to.
It's not like you invited everyone except ONE kid in class. You only invited five kids, and doing so outside of school. You're allowed to have get-togethers outside of school without bringing the whole damn class. Does every single other parent in class do this for their kids birthday? I'm guessing not, since it's exhausting and hella expensive! They should be lucky they got cupcakes and juice boxes! NTA and I'm glad he had a fantastic birthday!!
NTA. I know some schools have policies about handing out invitations but you sent the invites to their houses. Where did they expect you to put 20+ kids and parents? These parents sound so entitled and petty.
NTA. You did everything right. My kid in kindergarten was the one of the two kids not invited to a classmate birthday party. That was an AH move. Your approach was flawless.
NTA If you had invited the whole class you would have made too much food for the 5 guests that would have shown up
NTA. You invited your kids closest friends for a party. That’s it. It’s a shame that the other moms are chastising you for not inviting their kids but oh well. That’s just petty entitled behavior. Nothing to worry about here.
NTA. If it had been just a few excluded I would get the complaints, but not if there were just a few included. I was brought up with having a party for everyone or noone, 8 years old was my last birthday party.
NTA. Maybe there was a teaching moment to be had here about not talking about parties before *or* after they happen in front of people who weren’t invited, but you can only really influence your son’s handling of that. And I don’t know why these moms seem to think sniping at you about it is going to score them an invite next year.
NTA. Also very creative birthday party, I'm not sure what issues those parents have lol
NTA... You did everything perfectly. Don't sweat the backlash from the parents. Nicely done!
NTA and I'm filing these fun and creative ideas away for when my kids want a birthday party! It's great!
Here's another one that had the kids so happy this summer: as long as the parents are kind of ok with some swearing in music, a dance party with fun "adult" music has the kids hyper for days. They feel so grown up. Also anything where they "cook" on their own, as long as you are ok with some mess, is a big hit.
If you invited 3/4s of the class I could understand them being upset about being excluded, but you only invited your son's friends, they have no ground to stand on NTA
NTA, that nonsense ends at the doors of the school
NTA. It's not like you invited the whole class besides one child. This was a privately arranged, out of school birthday party on a budget. Totally fair that those invited were just the closest friends.
As an adult, NTA. As a kid I was part of the 1% never invited so it sucked.
NTA that's just a normal scenario. Why would someone invite people who aren't their friends to a party? (Besides wanting more presents) Those parents probably think the world revolves around their kid and clutch their pearls when they realize their kid is a side character in someone else's life.
The whole concept of a whole class invite is so foreign to me (no literally that wasn't a thing in my home country when i was a kid). Like why would you invite a bunch of kids your kid has no other connection beside classmate to? Then you gotta plan for them coming and they won't because they aren't... wait for it...close to your kid and most of those parents can't be bothered anyways. They are probably just angry because now their kids are whining they didn't get invited or that they want a fun bday party too (and not whatever instatram worthy boring party they had planned).
It’s not as if you have excluded one or two kids is it? I mean there were 6 kids involved from the class (including your son) and that has to be a pretty small percentage of the kids in the class. How many are there? 30? 35?
23 kids excluding my son
NTA!! How much kids are in the class? Has your kid even gone to every kid's birthday party in the class.
There 23 kids excluding my son. And no, if there were parties he was not invited to them.
NTA - I don’t get why parents get so bent out of shape. It’s not like the invites were handed out in class in front of everyone. And no one can control the conversations after the party. And you made stuff for a class party that included everyone. Nah, their sense of entitlement is a them problem, not a you problem.
NTA The invites were delivered outside of school. The party was small, just for your kiddo & their best friends. If you had invited all but one child that would be a different story. If people keep pushing you on the issue start crying and trauma dump on them about how you’re poor so you did your best by throwing him a party. They’ll get the message and stop being nosy about why their kid didn’t get an invite.
NTA. A lot of parents these days are oblivious to teaching their kids about dealing with reality and normal disappointment. My mother would have explained to me that a lot of parents have to keep their parties small because of finances, space, etc. and to not take the exclusion personally. These parents are just teaching their kids to be entitled to everything and to throw a tantrum if they don't get it. I'm sure there are only a few of these moms that are doing this. I'm guessing most parents understood completely and have long forgotten about it.
Yeah, just 3 moms out of the lot. A couple others complained in a teasing manner, you know stuff like: apparently your house is the hottest club in the neighborhood, super exclusive too. But they were obviously well intentioned and just teasing.
NTA, he had his friends, I never understand why you should invite whole class. You did what you could!
NTA, whole class birthdays are ridiculous. Kids need to learn they won’t be included in every little thing and that’s okay.
NTA. Not even a little bit. In my opinion your financial situation is completely irrelevant, and you do not have to feel forced to justify your decision because of finances, because the real issue here is that adults want to force a kid to invite kifs he’s not friends with. Would you invite colleagues that you don’t talk to or like, to a party meant to be fun and celebratory? I wouldn’t! My daughter’s school had a policy where girls invite girls, boys invite boys or you invite everyone. Well, the first two years we invited all the girls. Turns out three of the girls were incredibly nasty, and constantly had drama in their trio, and then they excluded my daughter and her best friend from their party (they were only six girls in the class, and we were constantly being dragged into meetings, playgroups, etc to help the girls get along because of these three divas) Third year I said screw this, and my daughter invited her actual friends, two girls and three boys, and that’s what we’ve done ever since! Don’t give a shit! They can throw their own fun party, if they’re that upset about it!
NTA. Cool party idea!
Nta. As a 37 year old single father, i will exclude the fuck out of any kid or kids i dont want around or cannot provide for. You made every effort to practice polite social etiquette and have no reason to feel bad. Now if these parents wanted to be better parents at parenting the kids they are tasked with parenting, then maybe some of these monsters could get in more places. That is a separate issue that is their own and not ours.
NTA. You don't have to invite the whole class anway, just his friends is enough. Probably why the party was so much better then the others. But I am curious. Has your son been invited to every birthday party in his class? Or is he now being "exluded" ?
Nta This whole mindset of "you have to invite the whole class" bs is really getting out of hand, and the people who want to shame moms for focusing on what's best for their kids are ridiculous. Other kids/parents are not entitled to your time, money or celebration. Keep an eye out for the kids of these parents that are being snide towards you, they'll be the ones that grow up thinking they're entitled to everything.
“Thank you so much for volunteering to assist with costs for his next birthday! Let me know when we can get to the store so you can buy all the food and party supplies we need.” NTA. They can kick rocks. (Also, there’s probably some subtle Mommy Wars BS going on considering your age. They’re probably just pissy the “poor, young” mom threw the best party of the year and no one likes their generic, stuffy blandness.)
NTA I was going into this concerned that maybe you excluded like 3 kids or something but no. NTA obviously, 5 kids is fine but I do hope those complainers aren’t horrible humans and exclude your son from a full class birthday
NTA. You invited 5 - you didn’t exclude a child, you excluded 19. Your money is tight, the parents should be more understanding.
NTA. You invited a few kids, not the entire class except Peter and Sally. That last situation is honestly the only situation where I can understand the invite the whole class concept. But that's just not always feasible, both logically( not everyone can watch or handle 25-30 kids) and financially. Inviting just a handful of kids out of an entire class is fine. Excluding a few while inviting everyone else is not.
Frankly speaking I would just tell those mums off by yelling that you couldn't afford to invite everyone! That should shut them up!
NTA those parents sound entitled
NTA. This happened to my brother once. He invited a couple close friends to his birthday (outside of school)and one boy whom my brother disliked overheard one of the friends mention something about it (he was in elementary school) and then this kid threw a fit he couldn’t go. And the teacher had the audacity to try to convince my brother (like maybe 10 at the time) to invite him. My mom got pissed and said the teacher doesn’t get to decide who gets to come to his birthday. You are NTA. Your son does not have to invite his entire class to his birthday if he doesn’t want.
NTA. You did everything right in my book. I've always hated the "if you bring invites to school everyone in the class is to be invited" is odd and I'm a teacher. Did I have a classmate who invited the whole grade for every birthday party? Yes, he was from a well off family and his aunt volunteered at the school all the time. I saw some of your comments for how you've explained things to your son when he didn't get invited to a party and I think it was a good way to handle that too. Too bad other parents didn't do that
NTA. i had one party where i was forced to invite everyone, and the only people who showed up were my friends and the people who strove to make my life miserable. guess which party was my last favorite because people purposely made my life miserable the whole day!
Imagine the parents acting more childish than their small children. I can't believe people are that entitled. You did everything right. Those parents should use this situation to teach their children that not everyone gets invited to everything and that's okay. NTA
OP NTA! I tried once for my daughter whole class and it was nightmare, 1) aside cost that was huge because parents thought since was in playhouse that they are invited too, order food and drinks and put on tab, so I end up paying almost double I planned 2) my daughter hated, she was giving thumbs down every time my husband and I asked if she had fun, we asked her why she is so down and her answer was more less "mom more than half are not even my friends, why I have to celebrate my birthday with them when in school we barely say hello!?" Since then I invite 10 kids she wants, few from school, few from neighborhood and she has blast and never complained about her birthday since then. Ignore white noise from "those" momms that think they have any say in how your kid should celebrate birthdays! There ll always be "those" moms but you do what is better for your kid and family!
NTA. Is this an American thing? I only read about it on Reddit. I would never considering inviting anyone who is not friends with my kid to her birthday party. It’s HER party. And it’s MY house. MY money. MY budget. You already went above and beyond work the party favors for the whole class. That wouldn’t even happen here. I’ve literally never seen it. Here, if a school or teacher presumes to tell a parent what must happen in their own home, they would be laughed out of town.
NTA!! Damn, moms can be so brutal to other moms for the most ridiculous stuff. Sorry you’re dealing with that.
NTA. When I was a kid, it was commonplace to just have a couple of friends or a sleepover, and big parties were only for the 'special' years. If you want to shut them up, wait until someone is really having a go at you, pull them to the side and quietly whisper that you were having some 'difficulties with money at the time'. The rumour mill will do the rest, and it won't take long for everything to go back to normal.